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...23,976 fps HD comedy ...
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HOST: Ladies, gentlemen,
non binary people,
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and anyone in between,
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you've seen her on E!,
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00:02:03,373 --> 00:02:05,042
VH1,
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00:02:05,042 --> 00:02:06,752
World of weird,
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and at random
public park fountains talking to pigeons.
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- Let's bring to the stage,
the one... - [ALL CHEERING]
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the only, the queen
of all the freaks,
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Miss Tuesday Thomas!
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[CHEERING]
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All right, all right.
16
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All right. I'm sorry.
17
00:02:27,814 --> 00:02:29,358
I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm late.
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I got here just as quickly
as I felt like it, okay?
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[CROWD LAUGHS]
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00:02:34,029 --> 00:02:35,447
Oh, my God.
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00:02:35,447 --> 00:02:37,032
So how are you all doing?
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[CROWD CHEERING]
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Good, good,
because my life is fucking hell!
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00:02:41,745 --> 00:02:44,039
And I can't take
your shit on, too.
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00:02:44,039 --> 00:02:45,332
I can't do it.
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00:02:45,332 --> 00:02:46,834
I won't do it.
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I've been sober for five years.
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00:02:49,044 --> 00:02:50,838
[CROWD CHEERING]
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00:02:50,838 --> 00:02:51,922
That's a fucking lie.
30
00:02:51,922 --> 00:02:53,298
I haven't had sex in that long.
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It's just nobody claps for that.
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00:02:54,716 --> 00:02:57,386
[CROWD LAUGHS]
33
00:02:57,386 --> 00:03:00,347
I got, I got a little too thick
for my liking during COVID.
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00:03:01,014 --> 00:03:02,307
Anybody else?
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00:03:02,307 --> 00:03:04,184
You know, just trying
to lose a little weight?
36
00:03:04,184 --> 00:03:05,853
Get a little COVID 15 off?
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00:03:05,853 --> 00:03:06,937
I've been doing it.
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00:03:06,937 --> 00:03:08,522
I think I've done pretty well.
39
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You see? I think
I'm doing all right. Thanks.
40
00:03:11,108 --> 00:03:14,987
You know, I mean,
everybody likes themselves in a different way.
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00:03:14,987 --> 00:03:16,822
I just, you know,
like myself this way.
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00:03:16,822 --> 00:03:20,868
But it's weird. It's like...
then there's this little spot right here.
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Bop!
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It's right here.
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Bop!
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See it?
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00:03:28,458 --> 00:03:31,128
I don't know what
the fuck that is. What is that?
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00:03:31,128 --> 00:03:32,337
How does that...
49
00:03:32,337 --> 00:03:34,631
I don't...
It just won't go away.
50
00:03:34,631 --> 00:03:36,508
I don't... I try to exercise it.
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I'm like...
That doesn't do shit.
52
00:03:40,971 --> 00:03:43,724
Doing the deep knee bends
standing up, that doesn't do anything.
53
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I start slapping it,
but I'm too...
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Too old. I don't even feel that.
55
00:03:50,522 --> 00:03:51,773
I don't know what.
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00:03:51,773 --> 00:03:55,277
I don't know what the... bop!
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I've had... I'm 58-years-old,
and I've had this pussy for 40 years,
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and I don't know what...
This fucker is doing math.
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00:04:03,076 --> 00:04:04,703
[CROWD LAUGHS]
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00:04:04,703 --> 00:04:07,956
Okay. He's kicked his shoes off
because he can't count right.
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00:04:07,956 --> 00:04:09,833
He's like, "58 minus 40,
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00:04:09,833 --> 00:04:14,630
"carry the one. Oh my God,
I hope she doesn't make me show my work. Oh."
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00:04:14,630 --> 00:04:16,173
Don't worry, honey.
I'm showing my work.
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00:04:16,173 --> 00:04:18,008
You don't have to
show yours. Okay?
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00:04:18,008 --> 00:04:19,635
[CROWD CHEERING]
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00:04:19,635 --> 00:04:21,845
Thank you.
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00:04:21,845 --> 00:04:23,805
Um, but, you know,
here's the thing.
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58-years-old,
and this is only 40.
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00:04:27,643 --> 00:04:31,021
These are only three years old,
so stop staring at em', you fucking pedophile.
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Okay?
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The show is down here. okay?
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Freak.
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00:04:39,696 --> 00:04:41,532
I don't know what's going on.
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00:04:41,532 --> 00:04:44,159
I've had a lot of
plastic surgery, as you can tell.
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00:04:44,159 --> 00:04:46,328
Since I speak of a lot,
I've had a lot.
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00:04:46,328 --> 00:04:48,330
I don't care. I know my issues.
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00:04:48,330 --> 00:04:51,708
I think part of life is owning
your issues and looking your demons in the face,
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and dealing with it.
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00:04:52,960 --> 00:04:54,253
Okay? I know...
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00:04:54,253 --> 00:04:55,754
Thank you.
I know what I look like.
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00:04:55,754 --> 00:04:57,381
I know what I got going on here.
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00:04:57,381 --> 00:05:00,300
I look like a Where's Waldo
and Joan Rivers had a hate fuck
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00:05:00,300 --> 00:05:02,678
- at the gathering
of the Juggalos, okay? - [CROWD LAUGHS]
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00:05:04,471 --> 00:05:06,765
And then let Ted Bundy
raise that child.
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00:05:08,141 --> 00:05:09,935
I know my issues.
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00:05:09,935 --> 00:05:13,438
What I'm saying is,
is if you ordered Jennifer Coolidge off of Wish...
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This is what would
fucking come, okay?
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00:05:19,361 --> 00:05:21,029
This right here.
89
00:05:21,029 --> 00:05:23,532
Okay? And it would take me
a year to come as well.
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00:05:25,701 --> 00:05:27,327
He's ordered from Wish before.
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00:05:27,327 --> 00:05:29,580
So you know that
that shit takes forever.
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00:05:30,414 --> 00:05:31,582
Takes forever.
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00:05:31,582 --> 00:05:33,375
I was on that show Botched.
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You know that Botched?
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00:05:34,459 --> 00:05:36,295
[CROWD CHEERING]
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00:05:36,295 --> 00:05:37,337
Here's the thing, um...
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00:05:38,463 --> 00:05:39,882
I was married, right?
98
00:05:39,882 --> 00:05:42,342
And it was a very bad marriage.
It was horrible.
99
00:05:42,342 --> 00:05:45,387
And then I got divorced.
It was a horrible fucking divorce.
100
00:05:45,387 --> 00:05:48,098
And when it was
all said and done, I learned shit about him
101
00:05:48,098 --> 00:05:49,433
I did not know.
102
00:05:49,433 --> 00:05:52,186
I found out things,
like, he did lots of drugs.
103
00:05:52,186 --> 00:05:54,813
Didn't know it. Cheated
on me left and right.
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00:05:54,813 --> 00:05:56,064
Didn't know it.
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00:05:56,064 --> 00:05:57,691
He was into S&M.
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Didn't know it.
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00:05:59,735 --> 00:06:03,530
I mean, looking back,
I wish I had known when we were married, he was into S&M.
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Not because I am into S&M,
but in retro... retrospective,
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00:06:06,617 --> 00:06:09,203
it would've been nice
to beat the fuck out of him once in a while.
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00:06:09,203 --> 00:06:11,038
[CROWD LAUGHS]
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00:06:11,038 --> 00:06:11,997
Fucker.
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00:06:12,789 --> 00:06:14,833
So I... here's the thing.
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I wanted to feel good
about myself afterwards.
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I wanted to feel more youthful.
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I wanted to feel rejuvenated.
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I wanted to feel relaxed.
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I wanted a vacation.
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But I also wanted to,
like I said, feel rejuvenated.
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So... If you want something,
something bad happens to you
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and you want to
feel rejuvenated,
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by all means, go have
a little plastic surgery.
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00:06:35,437 --> 00:06:38,148
Okay? If you want to look
surprised all the time, because that's what you think
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that's how the young kids look,
fucking do it.
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You want to go on vacation
after some shit happens, go on vacation.
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Just trust me,
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and don't combine the two
and go down to Mexico.
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[CROWD LAUGHS]
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00:06:52,037 --> 00:06:55,457
That's where I fucked up.
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I came back and people
were walking up to me, going, "Hey, girl, how was...
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00:06:58,877 --> 00:07:00,087
"oh, tramp!" [GROANS]
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"Oh. fuck. Oh, my God.
132
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"Oh, I can't.
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00:07:06,468 --> 00:07:10,848
"I love you and I want to know,
but I don't, literally, can't. Just email me, please."
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00:07:13,559 --> 00:07:15,519
So I ended up spending
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00:07:15,519 --> 00:07:17,437
thousands and thousands
and thousands of dollars,
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00:07:17,437 --> 00:07:18,647
had, like, eight
or nine surgeries.
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00:07:18,647 --> 00:07:20,482
And I'm happy
I ended up like this.
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I'm happy-ish.
I've got other issues, but this is not one of them now.
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I'm okay.
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I mean, no longer
do little children walk up to me and go...
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00:07:29,241 --> 00:07:30,325
[YELLS]
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No, what happens now
is people walk up to me and they go,
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"Oh, my God, you look like
that famous person.
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00:07:42,129 --> 00:07:45,465
"That famous person.
What's their name? What's their name?"
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00:07:45,465 --> 00:07:47,509
I'm like, "Barbara Eden
from I Dream of Jeannie?"
146
00:07:47,509 --> 00:07:49,136
[CROWD LAUGHS]
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00:07:49,136 --> 00:07:52,055
"No, that famous person,
that famous person.
148
00:07:52,055 --> 00:07:54,141
"What's her name?"
I'm like...
149
00:07:54,141 --> 00:07:56,143
"Stiffler's mom?
Jennifer Coolidge?"
150
00:07:56,143 --> 00:07:58,520
"No! That famous person.
151
00:07:58,520 --> 00:08:01,231
"That famous person.
What's their name?"
152
00:08:01,231 --> 00:08:02,608
"Gary Busey."
153
00:08:02,608 --> 00:08:04,234
CROWD: Oh!
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00:08:05,152 --> 00:08:07,321
Don't say, "Oh."
I live in L.A.
155
00:08:07,321 --> 00:08:10,365
That's a credit on a resume
and a job like that.
156
00:08:10,365 --> 00:08:12,784
[CROWD LAUGHS]
157
00:08:12,784 --> 00:08:15,204
Y'all should know
it's not what you got.
158
00:08:15,204 --> 00:08:16,663
It's what you do with it.
159
00:08:18,332 --> 00:08:22,252
Good Lord. People stop me
on the street all the time.
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00:08:22,252 --> 00:08:24,588
And they're like,
"Are you a man or a woman?"
161
00:08:24,588 --> 00:08:25,547
I look at them and say,
"Yes."
162
00:08:28,509 --> 00:08:30,719
I am. I am.
163
00:08:30,719 --> 00:08:32,304
I always wanted to be on
TV growing up.
164
00:08:32,304 --> 00:08:33,805
Here's the thing,
I think most of us have.
165
00:08:33,805 --> 00:08:36,225
It's L. A. That's...
we're in the industry.
166
00:08:36,225 --> 00:08:40,270
I think I've always wanted
to be on TV, but I didn't know it was going to be Botched.
167
00:08:40,938 --> 00:08:42,397
I really didn't.
168
00:08:42,397 --> 00:08:44,942
I thought it'd be something more
like, I don't know,
169
00:08:44,942 --> 00:08:47,319
the Real Housewives
of the Oakwood Trailer Court.
170
00:08:47,319 --> 00:08:49,321
[CROWD LAUGHS]
171
00:08:50,822 --> 00:08:52,282
American "Ho" Story.
172
00:08:53,992 --> 00:08:55,244
The Deadliest Snatch.
173
00:08:55,244 --> 00:08:57,663
[CROWD LAUGHS]
174
00:08:57,663 --> 00:09:00,582
At this point, I would settle
for House hunters: Meth lab edition, okay?
175
00:09:00,582 --> 00:09:02,417
Anything but Botched.
176
00:09:02,417 --> 00:09:05,337
I just can't.
Anything but Botched.
177
00:09:05,337 --> 00:09:07,422
I think the hardest part
178
00:09:07,422 --> 00:09:09,299
about having plastic surgery
179
00:09:09,299 --> 00:09:12,010
is people who want to
compare stories with you.
180
00:09:12,010 --> 00:09:15,806
Right? Okay, for instance,
I was in the store the other day,
181
00:09:15,806 --> 00:09:17,599
and this woman walked up
to me and she's like,
182
00:09:22,437 --> 00:09:25,107
"Oh, my God!
183
00:09:27,442 --> 00:09:29,027
"You've had some work done,
haven't you?
184
00:09:29,027 --> 00:09:32,781
"Me, too. What a coincidence!
185
00:09:32,781 --> 00:09:35,659
"Oh, my God,
I've had my eyebrows lifted 22 times.
186
00:09:35,659 --> 00:09:37,327
"My lower lids done 18 times.
187
00:09:37,327 --> 00:09:39,288
"I've had rhinoplasty.
That's a nose job
188
00:09:39,288 --> 00:09:40,914
"if you didn't know,
I've had 14 of those.
189
00:09:40,914 --> 00:09:44,084
"I've had eight cheek implants,
nine chin... chin implants,
190
00:09:44,084 --> 00:09:47,713
"37 injections to my upper lip,
42 to my lower lip.
191
00:09:47,713 --> 00:09:51,842
"26 breast jobs
and 320 ribs removed. Next week,
192
00:09:51,842 --> 00:09:53,594
"I'm gonna go have
my asshole bleached."
193
00:09:55,512 --> 00:09:56,680
I was like, "Bitch,
194
00:09:57,556 --> 00:09:58,682
"I'm tired hearing about it."
195
00:09:59,725 --> 00:10:01,435
She said, "What's wrong, honey?"
196
00:10:01,435 --> 00:10:04,146
"Have you never heard
of an asshole bleaching?"
197
00:10:04,146 --> 00:10:07,524
I'm, like, "I have.
But I can't imagine you as a blonde lady."
198
00:10:07,524 --> 00:10:08,901
[CROWD LAUGHS]
199
00:10:09,985 --> 00:10:10,944
Fuckin' bitch.
200
00:10:13,030 --> 00:10:14,364
I've had so many boob jobs
201
00:10:15,657 --> 00:10:18,785
that these are actually
under warranty.
202
00:10:18,785 --> 00:10:23,624
They are. I have two little
red cards that have registered them on the Internet with.
203
00:10:23,624 --> 00:10:26,460
I have a warranty
for my fucking breast implants.
204
00:10:27,753 --> 00:10:29,004
Yeah. Okay. Thanks.
205
00:10:29,004 --> 00:10:30,797
It's good,
but what the fuck do I do with it?
206
00:10:30,797 --> 00:10:33,509
I don't understand
how this works. What am I supposed to say?
207
00:10:33,509 --> 00:10:37,054
"Well, doc, this left one's
just kind of like looking a little tired, you know?
208
00:10:37,054 --> 00:10:40,098
"It's a little... laying down
a little wrong.
209
00:10:40,098 --> 00:10:42,392
"They're looking at each other
funny. Can you fix it?"
210
00:10:42,392 --> 00:10:43,769
What do you do with it?
211
00:10:43,769 --> 00:10:45,479
[CROWD LAUGHS]
212
00:10:47,314 --> 00:10:49,441
Because I'm a fucking
liberal snowflake.
213
00:10:49,441 --> 00:10:51,068
[CROWD LAUGHS]
214
00:10:53,028 --> 00:10:55,155
Yeah, I think
the weirdest thing...
215
00:10:56,532 --> 00:11:00,911
about being trans is...
that, okay...
216
00:11:00,911 --> 00:11:04,498
There's nobody else,
whether you're Black or white
217
00:11:04,498 --> 00:11:07,751
or Asian or Jewish
or Catholic or Muslim,
218
00:11:07,751 --> 00:11:13,590
do you demand to know
what that person looks like naked upon first meeting.
219
00:11:13,590 --> 00:11:16,343
- It's true. It's true.
- [CROWD CHEERING]
220
00:11:16,343 --> 00:11:20,222
When you're trans,
people are just like, "What you got down there?
221
00:11:20,222 --> 00:11:21,890
"You complete? What you got
going on down there?
222
00:11:21,890 --> 00:11:24,101
"You have some surgeries?
223
00:11:24,101 --> 00:11:25,477
"Where are you at
in the process?
224
00:11:25,477 --> 00:11:26,812
"What's going on?
225
00:11:26,812 --> 00:11:28,814
"You know, I need to know
these things, you know.
226
00:11:28,814 --> 00:11:30,482
"It's my constitutional right
to know."
227
00:11:30,482 --> 00:11:33,861
I mean, it's not like I can
walk up to like some guy, like...
228
00:11:33,861 --> 00:11:38,824
Imagine if I walked up to
a American-Asian Pacific Islander,
229
00:11:38,824 --> 00:11:40,742
first off and it was like,
230
00:11:40,742 --> 00:11:41,994
"Hi. Your name's Frank?
231
00:11:41,994 --> 00:11:43,078
"Hey, Frank.
232
00:11:43,078 --> 00:11:44,037
"Is that a dick down there?
233
00:11:45,622 --> 00:11:46,999
"What's... big, little...
234
00:11:48,000 --> 00:11:50,085
"What? Okay.
235
00:11:50,085 --> 00:11:51,336
"Yeah. You got a picture of it?
236
00:11:51,336 --> 00:11:52,838
"What do you got?
I kinda need a see.
237
00:11:54,047 --> 00:11:55,132
"So no picture? It's all right.
238
00:11:55,132 --> 00:11:56,758
"You got two balls,
though, right?
239
00:11:56,758 --> 00:11:58,218
"Is that what's going on?
240
00:11:58,218 --> 00:11:59,595
"All right, let's have
lunch sometime.
241
00:11:59,595 --> 00:12:01,054
"Nice to meet ya."
242
00:12:01,054 --> 00:12:03,640
I mean, what the hell
are you supposed to do with that?
243
00:12:03,640 --> 00:12:05,684
It's so weird to me.
244
00:12:05,684 --> 00:12:08,854
It's so strange
that everybody wants to know.
245
00:12:08,854 --> 00:12:10,814
They act like
we're the perverts.
246
00:12:10,814 --> 00:12:13,066
But all they do is want
to know what's down here.
247
00:12:13,066 --> 00:12:16,069
They're the perverts, who are
like, "Tell me what it is down there,
248
00:12:16,069 --> 00:12:18,071
"and I'll let you go
into that woman's bathroom.
249
00:12:18,071 --> 00:12:20,532
"But you can't be rubbing
your shit up against it.
250
00:12:20,532 --> 00:12:21,783
"I know you'd be
raping in there."
251
00:12:21,783 --> 00:12:24,828
[CROWD LAUGHS]
252
00:12:24,828 --> 00:12:27,998
"I don't know what it is
you're going to be raping with at this point,
253
00:12:27,998 --> 00:12:29,750
"but I know what
you're gonna be doing in there.
254
00:12:29,750 --> 00:12:31,418
"So, you know, just cool.
255
00:12:31,418 --> 00:12:33,504
"You just got to go behind
that bush over there and pee,
256
00:12:33,504 --> 00:12:35,422
- "'cause I don't know
what to tell you." - [CROWD LAUGHS]
257
00:12:35,422 --> 00:12:36,924
"Figure it out yourself.
258
00:12:36,924 --> 00:12:39,218
"I don't know.
There ain't no local municipality laws
259
00:12:39,218 --> 00:12:40,636
"for me to figure
this one out yet.
260
00:12:40,636 --> 00:12:42,554
"I don't know what's going on."
261
00:12:42,554 --> 00:12:44,681
Gay men are the worst at it.
262
00:12:44,681 --> 00:12:48,894
Gay men who are supposed
to be, like, the safest spot in the world, with gay men.
263
00:12:48,894 --> 00:12:51,063
They're actually the worst.
They're the ones...
264
00:12:51,063 --> 00:12:52,606
Like, if you're in a room
full of gay guys
265
00:12:52,606 --> 00:12:54,858
and straight women
and straight guys,
266
00:12:54,858 --> 00:12:56,276
having a good time,
267
00:12:56,276 --> 00:12:57,903
and then you go to leave,
268
00:12:57,903 --> 00:12:59,363
and as you're
walking out the door, you hear the gay guy go,
269
00:12:59,363 --> 00:13:01,448
"I know she was real pretty,
wasn't she?
270
00:13:01,448 --> 00:13:03,700
"She's real... She's hilarious.
I love her.
271
00:13:03,700 --> 00:13:05,702
"Oh, my God, I'm gonna
have her at home.
272
00:13:05,702 --> 00:13:07,412
"You know, she was a man.
273
00:13:07,412 --> 00:13:09,540
"I mean, she might not be now...
274
00:13:09,540 --> 00:13:12,000
"I don't know, there could be
a dick down there,
275
00:13:12,000 --> 00:13:15,003
"but I don't know if there is,
but at one point, there wasn't.
276
00:13:15,003 --> 00:13:16,338
"Or maybe there was.
277
00:13:16,338 --> 00:13:18,966
"I don't... But, you know,
that's what's happening.
278
00:13:18,966 --> 00:13:22,761
"Yeah, yeah,
it's amazing, isn't it?"
279
00:13:22,761 --> 00:13:25,013
I mean, it's like,
what they don't realize,
280
00:13:25,013 --> 00:13:28,392
or maybe they do realize,
and as the kids say, "They don't give a fuck."
281
00:13:28,392 --> 00:13:30,185
The D. G. A. F.
282
00:13:30,185 --> 00:13:32,187
But what they don't realize
is if they tell a friend,
283
00:13:32,187 --> 00:13:34,773
who that friend's going
to tell a friend who's going to tell another friend,
284
00:13:34,773 --> 00:13:37,192
who's going to tell
another friend, and before you know it,
285
00:13:37,192 --> 00:13:39,778
some pickup truck
with a gun rack
286
00:13:39,778 --> 00:13:42,656
is going to screech to a halt
in front of me on the street
287
00:13:42,656 --> 00:13:45,784
and two Duck Dynasty
looking motherfuckers are gonna get out going,
288
00:13:47,077 --> 00:13:48,078
"Earl, That's the one.
289
00:13:49,204 --> 00:13:50,539
"See, Earl, look at it.
290
00:13:50,539 --> 00:13:53,166
"It's real. I don't...
Look at that, Earl.
291
00:13:53,166 --> 00:13:54,293
"Look at it.
292
00:13:54,293 --> 00:13:56,295
"It is looking like a woman.
293
00:13:56,295 --> 00:13:59,089
"And it's not, okay?
It's pissing me off.
294
00:13:59,089 --> 00:14:01,091
"I want to put my dick in it
and then kill it.
295
00:14:01,091 --> 00:14:05,053
"And it makes me mad
that I want to put my dick in it and then just let's do it.
296
00:14:05,846 --> 00:14:07,431
"What are we doing?
297
00:14:07,431 --> 00:14:09,099
"You know what? Let's just put
our dick in it and then kill it.
298
00:14:10,267 --> 00:14:11,768
"Or we could do
what you're saying.
299
00:14:11,768 --> 00:14:13,395
"We could kill it
and then put our dick in it.
300
00:14:13,395 --> 00:14:14,938
"If it's your turn,
I don't care."
301
00:14:14,938 --> 00:14:16,607
[CROWD LAUGHS]
302
00:14:16,607 --> 00:14:19,359
That's the reality
of the situation.
303
00:14:19,359 --> 00:14:21,695
That's what
fucking happens to us.
304
00:14:21,695 --> 00:14:25,324
I'm one of those people
who like... I don't think it's anybody's business
305
00:14:25,324 --> 00:14:27,993
unless I'm going to
have sex with you.
306
00:14:27,993 --> 00:14:32,080
Just because you want to
have sex with me doesn't mean I'm going to fuck you, okay?
307
00:14:32,831 --> 00:14:35,542
Get over yourself, dude.
308
00:14:35,542 --> 00:14:39,421
But I'm not going to tell you
unless we're getting to the point of being intimate.
309
00:14:39,421 --> 00:14:42,299
And it's so weird, because even
when I've done that,
310
00:14:42,299 --> 00:14:44,801
There's been guys...
like, I told this one guy, he's like...
311
00:14:46,428 --> 00:14:50,224
"That's fucking horrible.
Why would you lie like that?
312
00:14:50,224 --> 00:14:54,728
"If you don't want to go out
with me, don't make up a horrible lie like that.
313
00:14:54,728 --> 00:14:57,314
"Just tell me
you don't want to date me."
314
00:14:57,314 --> 00:14:59,650
And I'm like, "Okay,
I don't want to date you."
315
00:14:59,650 --> 00:15:01,235
"Why? What's wrong with me?"
316
00:15:01,235 --> 00:15:03,904
[CROWD LAUGHS]
317
00:15:03,904 --> 00:15:05,739
I'm like, "Nothing.
It's on me." And I just left.
318
00:15:07,032 --> 00:15:08,992
Another guy said to me,
he said,
319
00:15:08,992 --> 00:15:11,537
"Don't... don't do that.
320
00:15:11,537 --> 00:15:13,539
"Don't, don't,
don't change your sex.
321
00:15:13,539 --> 00:15:18,460
"I mean, you cut off that
beautiful blonde hair and those beautiful big tits,
322
00:15:18,460 --> 00:15:19,795
"You don't want to
cut those off.
323
00:15:19,795 --> 00:15:21,797
"You don't want to change that.
324
00:15:21,797 --> 00:15:25,592
"It cost you way too much money
and time and therapy.
325
00:15:25,592 --> 00:15:27,553
"You're just gorgeous
the way you are.
326
00:15:27,553 --> 00:15:28,679
"Don't change a thing."
327
00:15:28,679 --> 00:15:29,972
And I went, "Okay,
328
00:15:29,972 --> 00:15:31,265
"I'm not going to.
329
00:15:33,267 --> 00:15:35,978
"I'm not gonna change
a fucking thing.
330
00:15:35,978 --> 00:15:38,647
"I'm just gonna not
change it over there, Okay?"
331
00:15:40,482 --> 00:15:42,025
Here's the one
that always kills me.
332
00:15:42,025 --> 00:15:43,610
Here's the one
that I just don't get.
333
00:15:43,610 --> 00:15:45,445
It's so weird to me.
334
00:15:45,445 --> 00:15:47,114
It's like, you know,
gotta be like,
335
00:15:47,114 --> 00:15:50,200
"Oh, yeah,
I don't have a problem with trans people at all.
336
00:15:50,200 --> 00:15:52,494
"I don't have
a problem whatsoever with trans people.
337
00:15:52,494 --> 00:15:54,788
"I think y'all are great.
I think you're brave and everything.
338
00:15:54,788 --> 00:15:56,665
"Just, you know,
my personal preference,
339
00:15:56,665 --> 00:15:59,585
"I could not date one of you
because I don't think
340
00:15:59,585 --> 00:16:02,963
"I could put a square peg
in a round hole."
341
00:16:04,464 --> 00:16:07,801
I'm like, "I don't know
how many vaginas or assholes
342
00:16:07,801 --> 00:16:11,221
"you've seen in life, dude,
but they're all pretty round."
343
00:16:12,890 --> 00:16:15,559
So that leads me to believe
you have a condition
344
00:16:15,559 --> 00:16:17,477
you need to go see
a doctor about.
345
00:16:20,480 --> 00:16:22,024
How many squares...
346
00:16:22,024 --> 00:16:23,901
Show of hands.
How many guys here have a square wiener?
347
00:16:25,444 --> 00:16:26,653
Okay.
348
00:16:26,653 --> 00:16:28,155
All right. Yeah.
That's what I thought.
349
00:16:28,155 --> 00:16:29,406
That's what I thought.
350
00:16:29,406 --> 00:16:32,284
I have never once, you know,
gone onto Pornhub
351
00:16:32,284 --> 00:16:34,453
and see girlswhosuck
squarecocks.com.
352
00:16:34,453 --> 00:16:36,955
[CROWD LAUGHS]
353
00:16:36,955 --> 00:16:39,041
You know, I've never seen
the fetish site
354
00:16:39,041 --> 00:16:41,877
for, you know, square pegs
in the round hole.
355
00:16:43,212 --> 00:16:44,296
It's just so weird.
356
00:16:44,296 --> 00:16:46,215
It's so fucking strange to me.
357
00:16:46,215 --> 00:16:49,510
I've never even seen
a square hot dog at DerWienerschnitzel,
358
00:16:49,510 --> 00:16:51,970
and if anybody would have one,
it'd be those bitches.
359
00:16:55,390 --> 00:16:57,601
You know,
so that leads me to believe
360
00:16:57,601 --> 00:17:02,314
it's not trans people
who need to be shown naked upon first meeting.
361
00:17:02,314 --> 00:17:03,565
It's all you straight men.
362
00:17:03,565 --> 00:17:05,859
Okay? 'Cause you got
square dicks out there,
363
00:17:05,859 --> 00:17:06,902
I want to know ahead of time.
364
00:17:08,195 --> 00:17:10,197
It's not me having secrets.
365
00:17:10,197 --> 00:17:12,533
It's you.
366
00:17:12,533 --> 00:17:16,411
I did have a gender
confirming surgery or, back in the day when I had it,
367
00:17:16,411 --> 00:17:18,080
it was called a sex change.
368
00:17:18,080 --> 00:17:20,707
And that doesn't give you
a right to go and ask any trans person
369
00:17:20,707 --> 00:17:22,417
you meet with
what they have done.
370
00:17:22,417 --> 00:17:25,963
I am offering this information
of my own free will, okay?
371
00:17:25,963 --> 00:17:31,301
It is not an open invitation
for you just to go, "What you got?"
372
00:17:31,301 --> 00:17:32,261
No.
373
00:17:33,095 --> 00:17:35,180
So I had it done
374
00:17:35,180 --> 00:17:38,225
and the weirdest thing was,
like the second day afterwards,
375
00:17:38,225 --> 00:17:40,727
the doctor is changing
the bandage,
376
00:17:40,727 --> 00:17:42,020
and he touched me
in a certain way,
377
00:17:42,020 --> 00:17:43,105
and I was just like...
378
00:17:43,105 --> 00:17:45,941
[BREATH TREMBLING]
379
00:17:45,941 --> 00:17:49,194
I had a fucking orgasm
on the second day.
380
00:17:49,194 --> 00:17:51,697
It was just like, I mean,
it was incredible,
381
00:17:51,697 --> 00:17:55,409
but it was shocking
because, I mean, I always
382
00:17:55,409 --> 00:17:59,496
envisioned my first orgasm
as a woman to be done
383
00:17:59,496 --> 00:18:02,916
by a 6-foot-2 Jason Momoa
looking motherfucker,
384
00:18:04,626 --> 00:18:09,214
who said to me in a very deep,
calming bass voice afterwards,
385
00:18:09,214 --> 00:18:11,049
"That's how you do it, baby.
386
00:18:11,049 --> 00:18:12,009
"That's right."
387
00:18:13,343 --> 00:18:16,680
Not some 5-foot-1
65-year-old Thai doctor
388
00:18:16,680 --> 00:18:19,141
who looked at me
and said, "I think you come." [LAUGHS]"
389
00:18:19,141 --> 00:18:21,059
[CROWD LAUGHS]
390
00:18:24,897 --> 00:18:26,732
I guess we take what we can get.
391
00:18:29,443 --> 00:18:31,904
It's working.
That's all that matters, isn't it?
392
00:18:32,779 --> 00:18:34,364
In '70s America,
393
00:18:34,364 --> 00:18:36,617
when I grew up,
there was only two avenues to go to
394
00:18:36,617 --> 00:18:38,118
if you were different.
395
00:18:38,118 --> 00:18:40,204
If you were, you know,
they didn't even have the "trans."
396
00:18:40,204 --> 00:18:42,831
They were like,
you know, faggot.
397
00:18:42,831 --> 00:18:46,293
So there's only
two avenues to go to, one of them being the church.
398
00:18:46,293 --> 00:18:49,296
And since the age of 12,
I was raped by a clergyman,
399
00:18:49,296 --> 00:18:51,048
I couldn't really go there.
400
00:18:51,048 --> 00:18:53,717
It was... Now,
it's okay. Don't give me this "aw" look.
401
00:18:53,717 --> 00:18:57,638
It was either, you know,
have him diddle me or have the neighborhood guys
402
00:18:57,638 --> 00:18:59,681
beat the fuck out of me
every Wednesday, you know?
403
00:18:59,681 --> 00:19:01,808
And at least the priest
had refreshments.
404
00:19:01,808 --> 00:19:03,894
[CROWD LAUGHS]
405
00:19:06,730 --> 00:19:10,234
You know? And with the priest,
you know, there wasn't blood.
406
00:19:11,318 --> 00:19:12,486
At first.
407
00:19:12,486 --> 00:19:13,946
I mean, there's always
a little at first.
408
00:19:13,946 --> 00:19:16,114
After a while, there wasn't.
409
00:19:16,114 --> 00:19:21,078
So I went to
the only other avenue you could have, which was drugs.
410
00:19:21,078 --> 00:19:23,288
My mother went through
an early menopause
411
00:19:23,288 --> 00:19:28,168
and she had every kind of
controlled substance imaginable.
412
00:19:28,168 --> 00:19:34,466
Valium, Librium, Demerol,
Daporols, Darvocets, Darvons, Percocets, Percodans,
413
00:19:34,466 --> 00:19:37,010
Hydrocodones, Bang the gong.
Give the dog a bone.
414
00:19:37,010 --> 00:19:39,513
I don't know what
the fuck she had. She had them all.
415
00:19:39,513 --> 00:19:42,432
All of them, you know,
because that was the time
416
00:19:42,432 --> 00:19:44,518
when, you know, you went through
an early menopause as a woman,
417
00:19:44,518 --> 00:19:47,062
the doctor was always
a man and he'd be like...
418
00:19:47,062 --> 00:19:49,356
[MIMICKING SMOKING]
"Bitch is crazy.
419
00:19:51,984 --> 00:19:53,819
"I don't know.
420
00:19:53,819 --> 00:19:55,654
"I don't know nothing
about woman's bodies.
421
00:19:55,654 --> 00:19:59,783
"They're just strange
and they got a lot of shit going on down there.
422
00:19:59,783 --> 00:20:02,661
"It's a... It's like a cavern
with all these crevices.
423
00:20:02,661 --> 00:20:07,291
"I... I don't know
how to treat that shit, and we'll just give them drugs.
424
00:20:07,291 --> 00:20:08,667
"Just give her drugs.
Calm her down.
425
00:20:08,667 --> 00:20:10,878
"She's insane. She's crazy.
426
00:20:10,878 --> 00:20:12,254
"I mean,
I wish she was just a man.
427
00:20:12,254 --> 00:20:15,424
"It would be easier
to treat her.
428
00:20:15,424 --> 00:20:18,010
"Yes, I'm smoking.
I'm a doctor in the '70s and I smoke."
429
00:20:20,762 --> 00:20:23,307
You could smoke
in the hospital, too, back then...
430
00:20:24,433 --> 00:20:26,768
as a patient.
431
00:20:26,768 --> 00:20:28,937
You could.
That's when America was great,
432
00:20:28,937 --> 00:20:30,981
you had to pull yourself up
by the bootstraps.
433
00:20:33,233 --> 00:20:34,693
I mean, you could tell
anyone you wanted
434
00:20:34,693 --> 00:20:36,612
what your problem was,
but nobody fucking believed you.
435
00:20:36,612 --> 00:20:38,447
Just, "Get out of here, faggot!"
436
00:20:40,532 --> 00:20:43,243
You know, it's a...
437
00:20:43,243 --> 00:20:47,664
I think I got stoned
for the first time when I was 11,
438
00:20:47,664 --> 00:20:52,169
but then at 12 I think,
it was by my older brother who was babysitting me.
439
00:20:52,169 --> 00:20:53,837
And he got drunk.
440
00:20:53,837 --> 00:20:56,673
And he didn't want me to tell
mom and dad that he was drunk.
441
00:20:56,673 --> 00:20:59,176
Plus, I was being a sissy,
so he beat the fuck out of me.
442
00:20:59,176 --> 00:21:01,053
So he got me really stoned.
443
00:21:01,053 --> 00:21:03,180
So I wouldn't tell mom and dad.
444
00:21:03,180 --> 00:21:04,598
And it worked,
because by the time
445
00:21:04,598 --> 00:21:07,809
he got me so fucking stoned,
I didn't feel no pain.
446
00:21:07,809 --> 00:21:10,604
I didn't know who mom and dad
were at that point.
447
00:21:10,604 --> 00:21:13,106
[CROWD CHEERING]
448
00:21:15,526 --> 00:21:17,361
I remember coming home
one night
449
00:21:18,403 --> 00:21:19,738
high as a kite.
450
00:21:19,738 --> 00:21:21,532
I think it was like 15.
451
00:21:21,532 --> 00:21:25,953
I was so stoned and I came home
and my mother came out of her room
452
00:21:25,953 --> 00:21:29,331
and said,
"You've been drinking.
453
00:21:29,331 --> 00:21:31,583
"I can smell that whiskey
on you."
454
00:21:31,583 --> 00:21:34,336
I haven't had a drop to drink.
455
00:21:36,922 --> 00:21:38,006
"Don't lie to me.
456
00:21:38,006 --> 00:21:40,384
"Don't you lie to me.
457
00:21:40,384 --> 00:21:42,302
"I know, I can smell
the whiskey on you..."
458
00:21:42,302 --> 00:21:44,805
[LAUGHS]
459
00:21:45,806 --> 00:21:48,267
"I swear to God..." [LAUGHS]
460
00:21:51,270 --> 00:21:53,730
"Don't lie to me."
"I'm not lying to you."
461
00:21:53,730 --> 00:21:56,024
But she slapped me
for lying to her,
462
00:21:56,024 --> 00:21:59,528
which made me laugh harder,
which made her slap me harder.
463
00:21:59,528 --> 00:22:01,321
Which made me laugh harder.
464
00:22:01,321 --> 00:22:03,240
And then she went on and on
for a while until finally she stopped.
465
00:22:03,240 --> 00:22:06,535
She goes...
[GASPS] "Oh, my God,
466
00:22:07,953 --> 00:22:10,038
"you're into that Eminem shit."
467
00:22:11,164 --> 00:22:14,293
And I'm like, "Eminem?"
468
00:22:14,293 --> 00:22:17,296
[LAUGHS]
"What are you talking..."
469
00:22:17,296 --> 00:22:21,008
"You know,
when people hit each other and they like it sexually."
470
00:22:21,008 --> 00:22:22,259
[ALL LAUGHING]
471
00:22:24,136 --> 00:22:26,680
"I think you mean
S&M, mom."
472
00:22:26,680 --> 00:22:29,183
She's like, "See, I told you
you're drunk.
473
00:22:29,183 --> 00:22:32,352
"You slurred your words
when you said Eminem."
474
00:22:32,352 --> 00:22:35,856
They say a woman
is attracted to men who are just like their dads.
475
00:22:35,856 --> 00:22:41,320
I blame a lot, and not all,
I blame a lot of my problems
476
00:22:41,320 --> 00:22:44,615
with dating on my bio-father.
477
00:22:44,615 --> 00:22:47,659
Okay, My real father.
There's other things that happened,
478
00:22:47,659 --> 00:22:48,952
but I blame the majority on him.
479
00:22:48,952 --> 00:22:51,496
So what... I guess
what I want to say is,
480
00:22:51,496 --> 00:22:55,083
If there's any guys out there
who got a woman pregnant
481
00:22:55,083 --> 00:22:58,587
and then left that woman
and went to another woman
482
00:22:58,587 --> 00:23:01,840
who had two kids of her own,
got her pregnant,
483
00:23:01,840 --> 00:23:04,593
And then the night
the baby's original baby's mama
484
00:23:04,593 --> 00:23:08,388
was going to get married,
went and tried to steal
485
00:23:08,388 --> 00:23:12,726
that first baby with
a handgun pointed at the first baby's mama,
486
00:23:12,726 --> 00:23:16,355
but his brother in law
went up behind him with a 2x4, hit him over the head,
487
00:23:16,355 --> 00:23:20,943
he passed out cold,
but he woke up before the cops came and then he took
488
00:23:20,943 --> 00:23:25,030
and he ran across the country
and started another whole family
489
00:23:25,030 --> 00:23:27,199
with the second woman
and didn't think about
490
00:23:27,199 --> 00:23:29,493
that child he tried to steal
for 30 years...
491
00:23:30,410 --> 00:23:31,703
come see me after the show.
492
00:23:31,703 --> 00:23:33,121
[CROWD LAUGHS]
493
00:23:35,707 --> 00:23:36,667
Tweet me.
494
00:23:39,503 --> 00:23:43,507
I had this one guy once,
so weird.
495
00:23:43,507 --> 00:23:46,426
He said to me, he was, like,
he's ready to put it in
496
00:23:46,426 --> 00:23:49,721
and he looks at me in the eye,
very lovingly,
497
00:23:49,721 --> 00:23:53,600
and he says, "You can be
vulnerable with me."
498
00:23:54,810 --> 00:23:56,562
And I just looked up at him
499
00:23:56,562 --> 00:23:59,773
and I looked him in the eye
and I said, "Get the fuck out of here.
500
00:23:59,773 --> 00:24:01,608
"That's some serial killer
talk right there."
501
00:24:01,608 --> 00:24:03,277
[CROWD LAUGHS]
502
00:24:03,277 --> 00:24:04,987
Fuck that.
503
00:24:04,987 --> 00:24:07,197
Be vulnerable with you?
504
00:24:07,197 --> 00:24:09,241
What am I?
How do you answer that?
505
00:24:10,701 --> 00:24:12,119
Really? What do you say to that?
506
00:24:12,119 --> 00:24:14,204
Am I supposed to like
after the 7th pump go,
507
00:24:14,204 --> 00:24:17,749
"When I was 12,
my uncle put two fingers into my butt."
508
00:24:17,749 --> 00:24:19,585
I can't answer that.
509
00:24:22,129 --> 00:24:24,506
I don't know.
510
00:24:24,506 --> 00:24:26,967
I had this other guy
that we went back to my house
511
00:24:26,967 --> 00:24:29,511
because it was
the first date, and that's what sluts like me do.
512
00:24:31,346 --> 00:24:33,432
And we did the dirty,
and after it was done,
513
00:24:33,432 --> 00:24:36,435
I went to the bathroom,
and when I came back, he was still there.
514
00:24:36,435 --> 00:24:40,772
But he had gone into my closet
and he decided to wear a complete outfit of mine,
515
00:24:40,772 --> 00:24:42,733
[CROWD LAUGHS]
516
00:24:44,526 --> 00:24:46,445
Wear a complete outfit of mine,
517
00:24:46,445 --> 00:24:50,157
laying in my bed,
pitching a tent with my clothes on,
518
00:24:50,157 --> 00:24:51,200
and I'm just like...
519
00:24:52,284 --> 00:24:54,494
[STAMMERS]
520
00:24:57,497 --> 00:24:58,916
"...Stand up.
521
00:24:59,875 --> 00:25:02,085
What are you thinking?
522
00:25:02,085 --> 00:25:03,670
"Those shoes with that skirt
and that top.
523
00:25:03,670 --> 00:25:04,630
"Come on, let's pick again."
524
00:25:06,965 --> 00:25:09,426
Okay. What I'm saying is
I don't want vulnerability,
525
00:25:09,426 --> 00:25:10,802
but you fuckers better match.
526
00:25:10,802 --> 00:25:11,762
Okay?
527
00:25:12,471 --> 00:25:15,182
Even I have limits.
528
00:25:15,182 --> 00:25:19,811
I dated this man recently
and he said to me, he said, "Don't google me..."
529
00:25:20,354 --> 00:25:22,314
[CROWD LAUGHS]
530
00:25:25,275 --> 00:25:26,902
All the women
know what's coming.
531
00:25:28,403 --> 00:25:30,155
He said, "Don't google me.
532
00:25:30,155 --> 00:25:31,990
"I want to be the one
to tell you the truth."
533
00:25:34,451 --> 00:25:37,871
I know.
That's what I thought, too.
534
00:25:37,871 --> 00:25:39,998
Finally, an honest man
in this world.
535
00:25:39,998 --> 00:25:41,500
[CROWD LAUGHS]
536
00:25:43,836 --> 00:25:46,338
What he said to me was,
he said, "I've been away for a while."
537
00:25:47,464 --> 00:25:48,757
And I'm like, "Florida?"
538
00:25:50,342 --> 00:25:53,762
"No, I've been away
for a while."
539
00:25:55,764 --> 00:25:58,684
"Europe." "No. No.
540
00:25:58,684 --> 00:26:02,771
"I was away for 17 years
and I had to wear orange."
541
00:26:02,771 --> 00:26:04,982
"What the fuck
were you doing in China?"
542
00:26:06,817 --> 00:26:10,737
He said, "What had happened
was..." He belonged to a gang,
543
00:26:10,737 --> 00:26:14,449
and he was the strong arm
money collector guy,
544
00:26:14,449 --> 00:26:17,911
and he went out to do his job
and things went awry.
545
00:26:19,037 --> 00:26:20,414
And he ended up
killing somebody.
546
00:26:21,665 --> 00:26:23,876
Yeah, he was away for murder.
547
00:26:23,876 --> 00:26:25,627
True story.
And I'm just like, "Tuesday...
548
00:26:26,503 --> 00:26:27,963
"You're such an asshole.
549
00:26:27,963 --> 00:26:29,131
"Why do you always go
with these...
550
00:26:29,131 --> 00:26:30,257
"It's because of your father.
551
00:26:30,257 --> 00:26:32,551
"And you need to break
that chain, okay?
552
00:26:32,551 --> 00:26:34,344
"You need to change
your whole life.
553
00:26:34,344 --> 00:26:36,805
"Stop dating these men
that are like your father.
554
00:26:36,805 --> 00:26:38,724
"Change it up,
get rid of the bad boys.
555
00:26:38,724 --> 00:26:41,101
"You live in LA,
get a life coach."
556
00:26:41,101 --> 00:26:43,061
[CROWD LAUGHS]
557
00:26:43,061 --> 00:26:45,480
"You know, do something.
558
00:26:45,480 --> 00:26:46,982
"There's an Erewhon
around the corner.
559
00:26:46,982 --> 00:26:50,485
"Get some kale.
Something. Stop this shit."
560
00:26:50,485 --> 00:26:52,571
But then I thought to myself,
"You know what?
561
00:26:52,571 --> 00:26:54,615
"The sex is good
and you've got to go sometime.
562
00:26:54,615 --> 00:26:56,033
"Let's do this shit."
563
00:26:57,034 --> 00:26:58,577
[GRUNTS ANIMATEDLY]
564
00:26:58,577 --> 00:26:59,661
So I did.
565
00:26:59,661 --> 00:27:01,079
I went out with him for a while
566
00:27:01,079 --> 00:27:03,665
and you know, after a bit,
'cause I'm not an idiot,
567
00:27:03,665 --> 00:27:05,125
I did google him.
568
00:27:05,125 --> 00:27:07,044
And he had lied to me.
569
00:27:07,044 --> 00:27:08,504
He had lied to me.
570
00:27:08,504 --> 00:27:10,839
What had happened was
he had kidnapped somebody.
571
00:27:10,839 --> 00:27:14,593
He had held them for ransom,
changed his mind,
572
00:27:14,593 --> 00:27:16,011
let them go.
573
00:27:16,011 --> 00:27:17,638
And they turned evidence on him.
574
00:27:18,639 --> 00:27:20,265
That's the real story.
575
00:27:20,265 --> 00:27:22,017
And I'm just, like,
when I saw him next,
576
00:27:22,017 --> 00:27:23,560
I was like, "Yeah, Yeah.
577
00:27:24,770 --> 00:27:26,104
"I googled you.
578
00:27:26,104 --> 00:27:28,148
"I did it. I googled you.
579
00:27:28,148 --> 00:27:29,233
"It's done, it's over.
580
00:27:29,233 --> 00:27:30,609
"I'm not going to
date you anymore.
581
00:27:30,609 --> 00:27:31,985
"It's over. I can't date you.
582
00:27:31,985 --> 00:27:33,278
"I googled you.
I know the truth.
583
00:27:33,278 --> 00:27:34,446
"I know you lied to me."
584
00:27:34,446 --> 00:27:38,033
He looked at me and he said,
"Oh my God,
585
00:27:38,033 --> 00:27:40,160
Would you rather
I have killed somebody?"
586
00:27:41,870 --> 00:27:45,332
And I'm like, "Fuck, yeah,
at least that way I know you could commit
587
00:27:45,332 --> 00:27:47,543
"and follow through
with something in life."
588
00:27:47,543 --> 00:27:50,379
[CROWD CHEERING]
589
00:27:50,379 --> 00:27:51,630
Yeah.
590
00:27:51,630 --> 00:27:53,298
The ladies know
what I'm talking about.
591
00:27:53,298 --> 00:27:55,008
We need that follow through.
592
00:27:55,801 --> 00:27:57,803
Jesus Christ!
593
00:27:57,803 --> 00:28:00,722
A guy walked up to me
on the street and he looked at me right here, he said,
594
00:28:00,722 --> 00:28:03,600
"Are those transplants?"
I'm like, "Yeah, I got them off
595
00:28:03,600 --> 00:28:05,644
"a dead hooker down
by the docks."
596
00:28:05,644 --> 00:28:09,064
How do you answer these people?
597
00:28:09,064 --> 00:28:12,943
How do you respond
to these morons?
598
00:28:12,943 --> 00:28:15,195
It got me thinking
how stupid people are.
599
00:28:15,195 --> 00:28:17,447
Mostly, I love...
I love men, okay?
600
00:28:17,447 --> 00:28:19,199
But y'all kinda dumb.
601
00:28:19,199 --> 00:28:20,993
Made me think about
a few years ago,
602
00:28:20,993 --> 00:28:22,578
how Michael Douglas was.
603
00:28:22,578 --> 00:28:24,371
You remember
Michael Douglas, the actor?
604
00:28:24,371 --> 00:28:27,666
And he was like...
Remember Catherine Zeta Jones?
605
00:28:27,666 --> 00:28:32,546
He said he got mouth cancer
from cunnilungus. Yeah, he did.
606
00:28:32,546 --> 00:28:35,424
Michael Douglas got mouth cancer
from eating pussy.
607
00:28:37,342 --> 00:28:40,220
I'm like, "What next? Blowjobs
causing Alzheimer's?"
608
00:28:40,220 --> 00:28:42,055
[CROWD LAUGHS]
609
00:28:48,187 --> 00:28:50,939
I'm like, "What next? Blowjobs
causing Alzheimer's?"
610
00:28:57,571 --> 00:28:59,239
I'm like, "What next..."
No, I'm not...
611
00:28:59,239 --> 00:29:01,033
[CROWD CHEERING]
612
00:29:02,576 --> 00:29:04,328
Got enough mileage
out of that puppy.
613
00:29:04,953 --> 00:29:06,121
Out of that puppy.
614
00:29:06,121 --> 00:29:07,581
So it's come to my attention.
615
00:29:07,581 --> 00:29:11,668
Speaking of stupid celebrities,
that as a trans woman,
616
00:29:11,668 --> 00:29:13,545
my pussy is not real...
617
00:29:13,545 --> 00:29:15,714
Dave Chappelle. It is not real.
618
00:29:15,714 --> 00:29:18,675
It is like
the Impossible Burger.
619
00:29:18,675 --> 00:29:21,845
Okay? Cut me and I bleed
beet juice.
620
00:29:23,222 --> 00:29:27,643
Okay? It's a veritable
farmer's market down here.
621
00:29:27,643 --> 00:29:32,314
Okay? It's a vegan's delight,
if you will,
622
00:29:32,314 --> 00:29:36,818
A plethora of organic vegetables
and fruit for all of you who like to partake.
623
00:29:37,569 --> 00:29:39,530
The fuck?
624
00:29:39,530 --> 00:29:41,573
It's so stupid.
It's like beyond pussy.
625
00:29:41,573 --> 00:29:44,576
[CROWD LAUGHS]
626
00:29:44,576 --> 00:29:46,620
You know
what's nice to know, though, is for somebody
627
00:29:46,620 --> 00:29:50,874
who doesn't like trans people
that he thinks I have a more healthier, organic,
628
00:29:50,874 --> 00:29:53,919
fresher, cleaner meal
down here than any cis woman.
629
00:29:54,753 --> 00:29:58,382
Okay? Seriously.
630
00:29:58,382 --> 00:30:01,260
"You don't wanna do yoga today?
Come eat my puss.
631
00:30:01,260 --> 00:30:03,679
"It's better for you."
632
00:30:03,679 --> 00:30:06,139
Yeah? "Miss your Zumba?
Come and lick my clit."
633
00:30:09,268 --> 00:30:10,561
Stupid shit.
634
00:30:10,561 --> 00:30:11,979
I can't do it anymore.
635
00:30:13,564 --> 00:30:15,440
Here's something
I really believe in.
636
00:30:15,440 --> 00:30:17,317
I really believe
that Black women and trans people
637
00:30:17,317 --> 00:30:19,528
are the strongest people
on the face of the earth.
638
00:30:19,528 --> 00:30:21,905
- Sorry. I do believe that.
- [CROWD CHEERING]
639
00:30:21,905 --> 00:30:23,490
Black women and trans people
640
00:30:23,490 --> 00:30:25,075
are the strongest people
on the face of the earth
641
00:30:25,075 --> 00:30:27,578
because they've been through
more than anybody else.
642
00:30:27,578 --> 00:30:29,746
They can get shit done.
643
00:30:29,746 --> 00:30:31,915
Okay? They can get it done.
644
00:30:31,915 --> 00:30:33,750
Why? Okay...
645
00:30:35,002 --> 00:30:38,005
America's a fucking
horror movie, right?
646
00:30:38,005 --> 00:30:40,299
Right?
It's a fucking horror movie.
647
00:30:40,299 --> 00:30:43,135
It's like a littleNight of the Living Dead,
648
00:30:43,135 --> 00:30:46,972
with the Trump supporters,
little House of 1000 Corpses
649
00:30:46,972 --> 00:30:48,348
with all the COVID shit
going on.
650
00:30:48,348 --> 00:30:50,309
A little bit ofGet out and Us and stuff.
651
00:30:50,309 --> 00:30:52,186
You know,
it's a fucking horror movie.
652
00:30:52,186 --> 00:30:56,857
But we know
who the fucking killer is ahead of time.
653
00:30:56,857 --> 00:30:59,568
It's a orange
shaded motherfucker.
654
00:30:59,568 --> 00:31:04,323
We know this, but, yeah,
we keep going in that house for dinner.
655
00:31:04,323 --> 00:31:09,745
We keep driving down
that detour of the dirt road all by ourselves.
656
00:31:09,745 --> 00:31:15,417
Okay? We we keep going to
that wonderful condemned sleepaway camp
657
00:31:15,417 --> 00:31:18,045
on the 35th fucking anniversary
of the last slaughter.
658
00:31:18,045 --> 00:31:22,049
We keep going there.
It just doesn't make any sense to me.
659
00:31:22,049 --> 00:31:23,258
Now. Here's the thing.
660
00:31:23,258 --> 00:31:24,927
I love Jamie Lee Curtis.
661
00:31:24,927 --> 00:31:26,136
I love her.
662
00:31:26,136 --> 00:31:27,804
I love her.
Everything about her.
663
00:31:27,804 --> 00:31:29,223
There's nothing
she can do wrong.
664
00:31:29,223 --> 00:31:31,642
I love her when
I'm watching her eat Activia,
665
00:31:31,642 --> 00:31:34,061
even though
I know five minutes after she eats it,
666
00:31:34,061 --> 00:31:38,273
she's gonna be
blowing brown juice out her butt. I still love her.
667
00:31:40,943 --> 00:31:44,196
But she couldn't
kill her own mother.
668
00:31:44,196 --> 00:31:48,825
How many years?
Now, if that were a Black woman or a trans person,
669
00:31:48,825 --> 00:31:52,120
we would've had
that motherfucker duct taped, disemboweled,
670
00:31:52,120 --> 00:31:56,625
dismembered
in 18 different garment bags full of Y and acid,
671
00:31:56,625 --> 00:32:00,003
buried in every
Trump supporter's lawn across America.
672
00:32:00,003 --> 00:32:01,547
[CROWD CHEERING]
673
00:32:04,508 --> 00:32:06,093
Police will be
knocking on our door.
674
00:32:07,886 --> 00:32:09,137
Yeah. "What's up, Copper?
675
00:32:09,805 --> 00:32:11,431
"What you want?
676
00:32:11,431 --> 00:32:15,143
"Michael? Michael who?
My brother? Ain't got no brother.
677
00:32:15,811 --> 00:32:17,479
"What you talk...?
678
00:32:17,479 --> 00:32:19,773
"I don't know no Michael,
I'm telling you.
679
00:32:19,773 --> 00:32:21,525
"I never... Any Michael in here?
680
00:32:21,525 --> 00:32:25,445
"Anybody? No, we got five James,
seven James Jrs.,
681
00:32:25,445 --> 00:32:27,906
Theresa, five, two Sarahs,
682
00:32:27,906 --> 00:32:30,158
"a couple Lees...
Ain't no Michael here.
683
00:32:30,158 --> 00:32:34,454
"Okay? So get the fuck off
my porch, cop, until you come back with a warrant.
684
00:32:34,454 --> 00:32:36,874
"Fuck you." That's what
would have been done.
685
00:32:36,874 --> 00:32:38,750
[CROWD CHEERING]
686
00:32:38,750 --> 00:32:40,544
That's exactly
what would have been done.
687
00:32:42,004 --> 00:32:43,297
Enough of that.
688
00:32:44,339 --> 00:32:46,383
So what I'm saying is...
689
00:32:47,551 --> 00:32:50,304
I know that
the problem right now
690
00:32:50,304 --> 00:32:54,183
is there's a lot of newly
transitioned people,
691
00:32:55,434 --> 00:33:00,063
or, as I like to call them,
"new hires,"
692
00:33:00,063 --> 00:33:02,024
who think that
they've been on the job
693
00:33:02,024 --> 00:33:03,483
for a week and they can
get everything done,
694
00:33:03,483 --> 00:33:05,068
and they've got it
all figured out.
695
00:33:05,068 --> 00:33:06,653
Well, you know what?
696
00:33:06,653 --> 00:33:08,989
Black women,
just keep in touch with us older women, okay?
697
00:33:08,989 --> 00:33:10,407
We've got your back.
698
00:33:10,407 --> 00:33:12,367
Just, you know, when you get
a memo from the new hire,
699
00:33:12,367 --> 00:33:15,829
just say, "Oh, thank you,
you know, and file it in the circular basket."
700
00:33:15,829 --> 00:33:16,997
Who the fuck cares?
701
00:33:16,997 --> 00:33:18,707
They'll get into their jobs
soon enough.
702
00:33:18,707 --> 00:33:23,045
So you call us the next time
that you're off into somebody's...
703
00:33:23,045 --> 00:33:25,422
you know, let us know that
you're about to go down that road.
704
00:33:25,422 --> 00:33:27,341
Let us know you're going
to the sleepaway camp.
705
00:33:27,341 --> 00:33:29,051
Because what's the first
rule of horror movies?
706
00:33:30,135 --> 00:33:32,179
Black people get killed first.
707
00:33:32,846 --> 00:33:35,057
Right?
708
00:33:35,057 --> 00:33:38,143
Ain't one of you ever seen
a trans person in a horror movie.
709
00:33:38,143 --> 00:33:40,145
They ain't even
thinking about me.
710
00:33:40,145 --> 00:33:41,647
[CROWD LAUGHS]
711
00:33:41,647 --> 00:33:43,440
They got your ass.
712
00:33:43,440 --> 00:33:47,736
I could sneak up in there
and I could be like, "Yo, killer. Guess what?
713
00:33:47,736 --> 00:33:49,571
[IN SING-SONG VOICE]
"You don't know what I got below.
714
00:33:49,571 --> 00:33:51,323
"You don't know
what I got below."
715
00:33:51,323 --> 00:33:54,952
And then he'd be like,
"Oh my God, I don't know what to do with you.
716
00:33:54,952 --> 00:33:56,453
"Wait, let me look.
717
00:33:56,453 --> 00:33:58,080
"Okay, for your last pee break,
718
00:33:58,080 --> 00:33:59,957
"I don't know if you go to
the women's room or the men's room.
719
00:33:59,957 --> 00:34:01,708
"I've got to look up the laws.
720
00:34:01,708 --> 00:34:03,252
"And the code. Shit.
721
00:34:03,252 --> 00:34:06,171
"Now I've got to figure out
what pronoun to use,
722
00:34:06,171 --> 00:34:08,131
"so I can use the opposite one
to torture you
723
00:34:08,131 --> 00:34:10,008
"because I don't know
which one you like.
724
00:34:10,008 --> 00:34:13,262
"And the pronoun...
Okay, you know, I don't even know how to kill you.
725
00:34:13,262 --> 00:34:15,931
"If I disembowel you,
will you enjoy that?
726
00:34:15,931 --> 00:34:18,058
"What is going on here?
727
00:34:18,058 --> 00:34:20,602
"I don't know."
So while we've got them all confused, we'll get
728
00:34:20,602 --> 00:34:23,522
the new hires, grab your ass
from that car,
729
00:34:23,522 --> 00:34:27,067
and we'll just sail along
the way with the new hires to cut his ass up,
730
00:34:27,067 --> 00:34:28,360
put him in the bag
and let him go.
731
00:34:28,360 --> 00:34:30,404
Okay, let's get
this shit done...
732
00:34:30,404 --> 00:34:32,531
- [CROWD CHEERING]
- I'm tired of it.
733
00:34:34,283 --> 00:34:37,411
Michael Myers.
40 years. That bitch.
734
00:34:37,411 --> 00:34:40,038
Forty years.
735
00:34:40,038 --> 00:34:45,043
Oh, my God. Here's the thing,
you know, people are like...
736
00:34:45,043 --> 00:34:47,129
Let me just say it like this.
737
00:34:47,129 --> 00:34:49,756
Trans people
can't oppress anyone by definition.
738
00:34:50,799 --> 00:34:53,385
We don't have
the economic power
739
00:34:53,385 --> 00:34:56,513
nor the political power
to oppress anyone.
740
00:34:56,513 --> 00:34:58,557
Just, we can't do it.
741
00:34:58,557 --> 00:35:01,351
They won't let us have
fucking money, okay?
742
00:35:02,144 --> 00:35:03,353
Every...
743
00:35:03,353 --> 00:35:06,982
Every little five cents,
ten cents we get,
744
00:35:06,982 --> 00:35:08,525
we put away for fucking surgery
745
00:35:08,525 --> 00:35:11,111
because Medicare and Medicaid
and nobody will pay for us.
746
00:35:11,820 --> 00:35:13,488
We can't opress...
747
00:35:13,488 --> 00:35:16,450
The only person
I can oppress is that gimp that's duct taped
748
00:35:16,450 --> 00:35:18,327
under my bed,
and that fucker's paying me.
749
00:35:18,327 --> 00:35:19,745
So I think I should get
a pass, okay?
750
00:35:19,745 --> 00:35:21,788
[CROWD LAUGHS]
751
00:35:21,788 --> 00:35:26,919
If trans people ask me to meet
with them and talk, don't say, I will talk to you
752
00:35:26,919 --> 00:35:31,173
at a place of my time
and my choosing, because, bitch,
753
00:35:31,173 --> 00:35:34,676
that's a
"trick who's going to try to murder me" talk. Okay?
754
00:35:34,676 --> 00:35:36,220
I've been through that shit.
755
00:35:36,220 --> 00:35:38,805
I lived in New York in the '90s.
756
00:35:38,805 --> 00:35:41,600
We knew not to go
to the hotel for the trick.
757
00:35:41,600 --> 00:35:44,019
We knew not to go do that shit,
or we'd get killed.
758
00:35:44,019 --> 00:35:47,105
What we do, is we couple up
with another girl,
759
00:35:47,105 --> 00:35:50,567
and we have this
one room apartment in New York,
760
00:35:50,567 --> 00:35:54,446
and we alternate the days
that we would fuck for work.
761
00:35:54,446 --> 00:35:56,365
Because you can't fuck
every day for work.
762
00:35:56,365 --> 00:35:59,159
That's too much.
763
00:35:59,159 --> 00:36:05,791
So the one who wasn't on duty
would be there while the trick came over,
764
00:36:05,791 --> 00:36:08,460
and they would like hide
under the sink or some shit.
765
00:36:08,460 --> 00:36:10,128
'Cause it's a small apartment,
but we like,
766
00:36:10,128 --> 00:36:13,131
make it so they can
hide in the cupboard or some shit, okay?
767
00:36:13,131 --> 00:36:17,386
You talk about horror movies,
you've never been so scared in your life
768
00:36:17,386 --> 00:36:22,724
until you see a trans woman
with two days beard growth
769
00:36:22,724 --> 00:36:26,645
coming out from under
the kitchen sink with a butcher knife in her hand,
770
00:36:26,645 --> 00:36:30,607
screaming in a deep bass voice,
"Get out! Get out!"
771
00:36:30,607 --> 00:36:32,776
While there's another one
standing in the middle of the room going,
772
00:36:32,776 --> 00:36:34,862
"Red lobster. Red lobster"
773
00:36:34,862 --> 00:36:36,905
"Red lobster"
774
00:36:36,905 --> 00:36:38,407
That's fucking frightening.
775
00:36:39,157 --> 00:36:40,367
Don't tell me to come
776
00:36:40,367 --> 00:36:43,245
at a place of your time
and your choosing.
777
00:36:43,245 --> 00:36:48,041
That's just... hate speech to us
trans people. Don't do it.
778
00:36:48,041 --> 00:36:50,878
You know? I mean,
you can only fool me 47 times.
779
00:36:50,878 --> 00:36:51,920
I'm not going to go again.
780
00:36:52,963 --> 00:36:55,632
It's too much.
781
00:36:55,632 --> 00:36:58,343
TERFs.
The J. K. Rowling bullshit and the TERFs...
782
00:36:58,343 --> 00:37:00,554
Do you know what TERFs are?
If you don't, google it
783
00:37:00,554 --> 00:37:01,638
because it's not
my fucking fault
784
00:37:01,638 --> 00:37:03,015
you've been in
a coma for 10 years,
785
00:37:03,015 --> 00:37:04,850
or you refuse to live outside
your bubble.
786
00:37:04,850 --> 00:37:08,395
Okay? You should know
what they are because they want to outlaw me.
787
00:37:08,395 --> 00:37:09,855
They want to outlaw my kind.
788
00:37:09,855 --> 00:37:11,231
They want to get rid of us.
They want to kill us.
789
00:37:11,231 --> 00:37:13,275
They don't want us anymore
on the face of the earth.
790
00:37:13,275 --> 00:37:16,403
TERFs think
that they... the only reason
791
00:37:16,403 --> 00:37:21,700
that trans women exist
is to come into a woman's space,
792
00:37:21,700 --> 00:37:24,244
take what's rightfully
the woman's and rape the woman.
793
00:37:25,370 --> 00:37:27,372
That's actually
what they believe.
794
00:37:27,372 --> 00:37:29,917
So I'm just like,
"Yeah, you're right."
795
00:37:29,917 --> 00:37:32,044
When I was 11 years old
and I realized
796
00:37:32,044 --> 00:37:34,922
what my sister had down there
wasn't the same as what I got,
797
00:37:34,922 --> 00:37:37,841
I thought to myself, I said,
"Self, you're going to grow up
798
00:37:37,841 --> 00:37:41,929
"and ostracize everybody
who loves you. This is what you're going to do.
799
00:37:41,929 --> 00:37:44,097
"And you're going to grow up
and you're not going to be able
800
00:37:44,097 --> 00:37:47,601
to get a job
and you're going to grow up and you're going to have
801
00:37:47,601 --> 00:37:51,813
"every little penny
that you find, just, you know, scrape together
802
00:37:51,813 --> 00:37:54,316
"to get surgeries
to become a woman.
803
00:37:54,316 --> 00:37:57,569
"And when you finally,
you know, deal with the rapes
804
00:37:57,569 --> 00:37:59,112
"and the beatings
and all that stuff,
805
00:37:59,112 --> 00:38:01,865
"and you get to the point
where you're a possible woman,
806
00:38:01,865 --> 00:38:04,409
"you're going to go...
I'm going to go to that woman
807
00:38:04,409 --> 00:38:07,496
"with a Y festival in Michigan,
and I'm going to find
808
00:38:07,496 --> 00:38:10,207
"a hairy armpitted woman
named Corinne,
809
00:38:10,207 --> 00:38:12,584
"And I'm gonna lick
her sweaty, hairy pussy
810
00:38:12,584 --> 00:38:16,046
"till she comes
while Ani DiFranco plays. That's my plan."
811
00:38:16,046 --> 00:38:18,215
- [CROWD CHEERING]
- Yes.
812
00:38:22,386 --> 00:38:24,429
I'm like, "Yeah, lesbian.
You wish."
813
00:38:25,180 --> 00:38:27,724
The fuck these people...
814
00:38:27,724 --> 00:38:29,351
I just don't know
what's going on.
815
00:38:30,519 --> 00:38:32,271
Okay, so, like,
people often say like,
816
00:38:32,271 --> 00:38:34,439
"Your mind is
really weird, Tuesday.
817
00:38:34,439 --> 00:38:36,650
"What's a day in your life?"
Okay. You want to know a fucking day of my life?
818
00:38:36,650 --> 00:38:38,402
This is a day in my life, okay?
819
00:38:38,402 --> 00:38:41,113
I get up in the morning
and I realize I want coffee.
820
00:38:41,113 --> 00:38:43,615
But there's no coffee,
and the only coffee I like,
821
00:38:43,615 --> 00:38:44,700
because I hate Starbucks,
822
00:38:44,700 --> 00:38:46,869
is two buses
and a transfer away.
823
00:38:46,869 --> 00:38:50,038
So it takes me a while
because I have anxiety to finally get it together,
824
00:38:50,038 --> 00:38:52,416
and I finally get on that bus
and I go to the coffee shop.
825
00:38:52,416 --> 00:38:55,127
I walk into the coffee shop,
and it's just so weird
826
00:38:55,127 --> 00:38:59,339
because it's like beakers
and coils and hot, brewed and cold pressed
827
00:38:59,339 --> 00:39:02,676
and all this stuff
going on back there, and I stop and I think to myself,
828
00:39:02,676 --> 00:39:06,221
"Oh my God,
they're doing this with coffee
829
00:39:06,221 --> 00:39:08,932
"but when my Uncle, Leo,
did it with corn mash,
830
00:39:08,932 --> 00:39:11,518
"they called it moonshine,
and they put him in fucking jail.
831
00:39:11,518 --> 00:39:12,769
"How can they do this?
832
00:39:12,769 --> 00:39:14,271
"But, okay, whatever."
833
00:39:14,271 --> 00:39:16,106
So I don't know.
And then the guy comes up.
834
00:39:16,106 --> 00:39:17,733
I don't know what they call him.
What do you call the person?
835
00:39:17,733 --> 00:39:20,694
The counter person?
Is it like a, I don't know, bitch?
836
00:39:20,694 --> 00:39:21,820
No. No, that's not the word.
837
00:39:21,820 --> 00:39:23,197
Troll.
838
00:39:23,197 --> 00:39:24,489
Barista. Barista.
839
00:39:24,489 --> 00:39:25,782
So the barista comes up.
840
00:39:25,782 --> 00:39:27,409
It's like,
"What can I get for you?"
841
00:39:27,409 --> 00:39:29,036
And I'm like, "I don't know."
Because I don't know the lingo.
842
00:39:29,036 --> 00:39:30,829
"I don't know if I want a Vente,
843
00:39:30,829 --> 00:39:35,334
"Uno, cinco, quatro, siete,
extra large, double extra large, Small.
844
00:39:35,334 --> 00:39:37,085
I don't know... if I want,
845
00:39:37,085 --> 00:39:40,589
You know, I don't know if I want
oat milk, soy milk,
846
00:39:40,589 --> 00:39:42,633
cauliflower milk.
I don't fucking know.
847
00:39:42,633 --> 00:39:44,426
It's too much for me
to deal with.
848
00:39:44,426 --> 00:39:46,512
And so finally, I'm just,
like, exasperated.
849
00:39:46,512 --> 00:39:48,847
So I just point to the wall,
and he grabs me
850
00:39:48,847 --> 00:39:52,476
this biggest bag of tea leaves
I've ever seen in my life.
851
00:39:52,476 --> 00:39:55,229
They're the size of fucking
oak tree leaves from King Arthur's kingdom.
852
00:39:55,229 --> 00:39:57,397
But I'm like, "Whatever.
I just want to get the fuck out."
853
00:39:57,397 --> 00:40:00,150
So I pay him, and then
I think to myself,
854
00:40:00,150 --> 00:40:01,693
"Oh, my God,
I probably should tip him."
855
00:40:01,693 --> 00:40:04,738
Because that's a thing you do.
And how much do you tip him
856
00:40:04,738 --> 00:40:06,865
because the world is rough,
and there's a lot of people
857
00:40:06,865 --> 00:40:10,160
who would say I hope
that if he wanted to get tipped,
858
00:40:10,160 --> 00:40:11,828
he should probably get
a better paying job.
859
00:40:11,828 --> 00:40:13,539
But I'm not
one of those kind of people.
860
00:40:13,539 --> 00:40:15,749
But still, I don't know
what to pay him.
861
00:40:15,749 --> 00:40:18,502
Because if I don't tip him,
he will think I am one of those kind of people.
862
00:40:18,502 --> 00:40:21,129
When I finally figured
I'd just tip him a dollar, just get it over with,
863
00:40:21,129 --> 00:40:22,714
I'm already at the bus stop.
864
00:40:22,714 --> 00:40:24,967
And now,
I think to myself, "Great.
865
00:40:24,967 --> 00:40:28,929
"I don't have to tip him,
but I can never show my fucking face in here again."
866
00:40:28,929 --> 00:40:32,474
So I go and I get on the bus
and I'm on the bus and I come back to...
867
00:40:32,474 --> 00:40:35,644
I'm trying to get back
to my beautiful neighborhood here,
868
00:40:35,644 --> 00:40:37,354
which is the ghetto,
but I can't say the ghetto
869
00:40:37,354 --> 00:40:39,398
because if I say the ghetto,
that's not PC,
870
00:40:39,398 --> 00:40:41,233
and then they'll take away
my Facebook privileges.
871
00:40:41,233 --> 00:40:44,528
And how the fuck will
I know what everybody eats for lunch?
872
00:40:44,528 --> 00:40:47,489
So I have to get on the bus
and I have to come back
873
00:40:47,489 --> 00:40:50,033
to the newly designated
historic district
874
00:40:50,033 --> 00:40:52,035
with lots of character
that none of you fucks will care about
875
00:40:52,035 --> 00:40:53,287
until the Trader Joe's moves in.
876
00:40:54,705 --> 00:40:56,498
So I'm on the bus
and the bus stops,
877
00:40:56,498 --> 00:40:57,833
and there's a whole line
of people that get on,
878
00:40:57,833 --> 00:41:00,043
and I'm just, like,
close my eyes and I'm like,
879
00:41:00,043 --> 00:41:01,837
"Don't sit with me.
Don't sit with me.
880
00:41:01,837 --> 00:41:04,923
"Don't sit with me. Good."
That's three times. When I open my eyes,
881
00:41:04,923 --> 00:41:08,260
and nobody sat with me,
and I think what the fuck is wrong with me?
882
00:41:08,260 --> 00:41:09,344
"Nobody wants to sit with me."
883
00:41:09,344 --> 00:41:11,096
[CROWD LAUGHS]
884
00:41:11,096 --> 00:41:12,764
So I finally get over here
to the corner,
885
00:41:12,764 --> 00:41:17,227
and I get out of the bus
and I come and I go inside the store
886
00:41:17,227 --> 00:41:19,605
underneath because
I need toilet paper.
887
00:41:19,605 --> 00:41:21,106
Because the tea makes me shit.
888
00:41:21,106 --> 00:41:22,941
I hate tea.
889
00:41:22,941 --> 00:41:25,444
So... but with coronavirus,
they keep the toilet paper
890
00:41:25,444 --> 00:41:26,653
behind the counter,
and the counter has,
891
00:41:26,653 --> 00:41:29,323
like the three inch
bullerproof glass there,
892
00:41:29,323 --> 00:41:31,491
So, I get down there,
where you put the money through and I'm like,
893
00:41:31,491 --> 00:41:33,744
"Hello, anybody back there?
894
00:41:33,744 --> 00:41:35,329
"Hi. I just need toilet paper.
895
00:41:35,329 --> 00:41:36,997
"Please, just one roll.
That's all I need.
896
00:41:36,997 --> 00:41:38,957
"They're like loosies
on cigarettes now.
897
00:41:38,957 --> 00:41:40,417
"No, just a roll.
898
00:41:40,417 --> 00:41:42,711
"That's it. Give me the roll.
Oh, you don't have any?
899
00:41:42,711 --> 00:41:44,129
"No, I think I see em'. I do.
900
00:41:44,880 --> 00:41:46,882
"Over there.
901
00:41:46,882 --> 00:41:50,761
"Yeah. Yeah. On the other side
of that 32 ounce bottle of Pepto Bismol. Yeah.
902
00:41:50,761 --> 00:41:53,889
"Near that six pack of Tab.
Do they still make that shit?
903
00:41:55,307 --> 00:41:57,142
"I guess not.
Those cans are rusty.
904
00:41:57,142 --> 00:41:59,770
"Yeah, right there. Give me
the toilet paper." Got the toilet paper,
905
00:41:59,770 --> 00:42:01,730
And then I look up
and as I'm checking out,
906
00:42:01,730 --> 00:42:03,482
I see a Magnum condom wrapper
907
00:42:03,482 --> 00:42:06,318
glued to the glass.
908
00:42:06,318 --> 00:42:07,861
And somebody took
a Sharpie,
909
00:42:07,861 --> 00:42:11,073
and they wrote "$1"
over the top of it with a Sharpie.
910
00:42:11,073 --> 00:42:13,951
And I'm just like, "Oh my God,
Magnum Condoms... Magnum Condoms
911
00:42:13,951 --> 00:42:16,662
"for a dollar..."
America, it's capitalism.
912
00:42:16,662 --> 00:42:18,372
It's based on supply and demand.
913
00:42:18,372 --> 00:42:21,917
So that means
there's a huge demand for a cheap supply
914
00:42:21,917 --> 00:42:23,877
of Magnum condoms
in my neighborhood.
915
00:42:23,877 --> 00:42:25,337
And I'm like, "Oh, Great.
916
00:42:25,337 --> 00:42:27,339
"I really did move into
the right neighborhood."
917
00:42:27,339 --> 00:42:29,091
[CROWD CHEERING]
918
00:42:29,091 --> 00:42:34,555
So I come out
and there's a woman that thinks I'm Zsa Zsa Gabor.
919
00:42:34,555 --> 00:42:38,308
She's on this side of the street
and her husband's on the other side of the street.
920
00:42:38,308 --> 00:42:39,434
And she screamed at him.
921
00:42:39,434 --> 00:42:41,228
She screaming,
"You better fuck me.
922
00:42:41,228 --> 00:42:42,563
"You better fuck me right now!
923
00:42:42,563 --> 00:42:43,981
"Damn it! I want to get fucked.
924
00:42:43,981 --> 00:42:45,649
"You better fuck me right now.
925
00:42:45,649 --> 00:42:47,442
"Hi, Zsa Zsa. It's my birthday.
926
00:42:47,442 --> 00:42:49,444
"You better fuck me right now.
927
00:42:49,444 --> 00:42:53,407
"Okay? It's my EBT that paid
for that 40 in your hand.
928
00:42:53,407 --> 00:42:54,741
"You better fuck me."
929
00:42:54,741 --> 00:42:56,785
And he turns and said,
"Why would I fuck you?
930
00:42:56,785 --> 00:42:59,162
"You sound like Godzilla
and look like the Grimace."
931
00:43:01,373 --> 00:43:05,252
And I just look at her
and I'm like, "Happy birthday, girl."
932
00:43:05,252 --> 00:43:06,920
[CROWD LAUGHS]
933
00:43:08,046 --> 00:43:09,131
"Hope you get laid"
934
00:43:11,341 --> 00:43:13,468
She's like, "Zsa Zsa,
you're so goddamn funny.
935
00:43:13,468 --> 00:43:14,845
[IMITATES LAUGHTER]
936
00:43:14,845 --> 00:43:16,972
"I love you, Zsa Zsa.
You know what I'm gonna do?
937
00:43:16,972 --> 00:43:19,391
"I'm going to call CBS
and I'm going to have them
938
00:43:19,391 --> 00:43:22,853
"put Green Acres back on TV
so you get your job back, Zsa, Zsa,
939
00:43:22,853 --> 00:43:26,231
"because you're funny
and you deserve the money and you deserve to work."
940
00:43:26,231 --> 00:43:29,776
And I think to myself, "I don't
have the heart to tell her that was Eva and not Zsa Zsa
941
00:43:29,776 --> 00:43:31,570
"on Green Acres."
942
00:43:31,570 --> 00:43:36,200
Because I'm just so impressed
that she remembered CBS.
943
00:43:36,200 --> 00:43:39,494
But I also... I start to
go upstairs, I think, "Jesus, I love this town.
944
00:43:39,494 --> 00:43:40,829
"Now I've got
a fucking manager."
945
00:43:43,373 --> 00:43:46,960
So go upstairs and drop off
the TP and the tea
946
00:43:46,960 --> 00:43:49,046
and then my phone rings
and it's my ex-boyfriend
947
00:43:49,046 --> 00:43:50,506
who ghosted me,
like, 6 months ago
948
00:43:50,506 --> 00:43:52,591
because that's the fucking thing
that's done nowadays.
949
00:43:52,591 --> 00:43:55,427
Ghosting. So he calls me
and he's like, "I really miss you.
950
00:43:55,427 --> 00:43:56,887
"I love you.
I decided I liked you.
951
00:43:56,887 --> 00:43:58,764
"You're the one. You're the one.
952
00:43:58,764 --> 00:43:59,932
"My heart belongs to you.
953
00:43:59,932 --> 00:44:01,141
"I want to show you.
954
00:44:01,141 --> 00:44:02,976
"I want I want to
make sure you know.
955
00:44:02,976 --> 00:44:05,812
"I want to come over
and I want to show you." I hate him so much.
956
00:44:05,812 --> 00:44:08,982
I'm so fucking angry at him
that I just grabbed the phone.
957
00:44:08,982 --> 00:44:11,902
And I say to him that
any sane woman would say.
958
00:44:11,902 --> 00:44:15,489
I said, "Yeah,
come on over, baby. I'm free."
959
00:44:15,489 --> 00:44:18,742
So, in the interim,
I'm thinking, "You know, I really am mad.
960
00:44:18,742 --> 00:44:20,410
"I really am mad.
I'm really am pissed off."
961
00:44:20,410 --> 00:44:23,539
Okay? I think you know,
if I'm going to talk to him,
962
00:44:23,539 --> 00:44:26,333
I think the best thing to do
is from the minute he comes in,
963
00:44:26,333 --> 00:44:29,378
like a little hate fuck going on
and get that anger out, right?
964
00:44:29,378 --> 00:44:32,339
You know, you know,
sometimes you just hate fuck
965
00:44:32,339 --> 00:44:33,966
before you can deal with them.
966
00:44:33,966 --> 00:44:35,175
Hate fuck!
967
00:44:35,175 --> 00:44:37,094
And then you do it
and then it's done,
968
00:44:37,094 --> 00:44:38,846
and then you can converse
and you can talk.
969
00:44:38,846 --> 00:44:41,932
So I'm like, all over him
and I'm just like,
970
00:44:41,932 --> 00:44:45,394
okay, try to get it
and he's going, "You know, I really want to show you
971
00:44:45,394 --> 00:44:47,354
"I love you.
I want to take it slow."
972
00:44:47,354 --> 00:44:49,022
And I'm just trying
to get at it.
973
00:44:49,022 --> 00:44:50,524
And he's like,
"No, baby, no, baby.
974
00:44:50,524 --> 00:44:54,778
"I need to prove to you that
you're the one.
975
00:44:54,778 --> 00:44:56,947
"I need to prove to you
I respect you."
976
00:44:56,947 --> 00:44:58,282
And I'm just trying
to get over on him.
977
00:44:58,282 --> 00:45:00,450
He said, "No, go slow."
And I just look at him.
978
00:45:00,450 --> 00:45:02,035
And I said,
"You better fuck me.
979
00:45:02,035 --> 00:45:03,704
"You better fuck me right now.
980
00:45:03,704 --> 00:45:06,164
"It's my EBT card
that paid for that 40 on that night stand."
981
00:45:06,164 --> 00:45:07,332
[CROWD CHEERING]
982
00:45:07,332 --> 00:45:10,335
"You better fuck me right now."
983
00:45:10,335 --> 00:45:14,882
Oh, my God.
Well, I just want to say my name is Tuesday Thomas.
984
00:45:14,882 --> 00:45:18,594
If you like me,
you can follow me home and fuck me because I am alone.
985
00:45:19,553 --> 00:45:21,305
I'm so damn lonely.
986
00:45:21,889 --> 00:45:24,099
[CROWD CHEERING]
987
00:45:24,099 --> 00:45:28,145
Let me tell you,
it's like five construction guys down there doing drywall.
988
00:45:28,145 --> 00:45:31,690
It's just white dust
showing up all over the place.
989
00:45:31,690 --> 00:45:33,317
Oh, fuck.
990
00:45:33,317 --> 00:45:35,444
- I think I gotta go now.
- [SIREN BLARING]
991
00:45:35,444 --> 00:45:37,196
You guys never saw me here.
992
00:45:37,196 --> 00:45:39,781
[CROWD CHEERING]
993
00:45:48,040 --> 00:45:50,626
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
994
00:45:51,305 --> 00:46:51,410
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