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==Captions made by super_sp1022
on opensubtites.org==
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- Good evening,
and welcome to The Daily Show.
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Uh, we are back.
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This is our first show
since, uh, the tragedy
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in New York City. And, uh...
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There's no other way, really,
to start this show than to ask,
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uh, you at home the question that
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we asked the
audience here tonight
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and that we asked
everybody that we know
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here in New York since,
uh, September 11th.
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And that is, "Are you okay?"
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And we pray that you are,
and your family is.
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Uh, I'm sorry to do this to you.
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To... [stammers]
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It's another entertainment show
beginning with, uh...
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an overwrought speech
of a shaken host.
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And, uh, television is nothing
if not redundant.
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So, uh...
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I apologize for that. It's
something that, unfortunately,
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we do for ourselves
so that we can...
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drain whatever abscess
is in our hearts
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and move on, to, uh...
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to the business of
making you laugh.
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Which we haven't been able to
do very effectively lately.
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Everyone's checked in already.
I know we're late.
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Uh, I'm sure we're getting
in right under the wire
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before the cast of Survivor
offers their insight...
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[audience chuckles]
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into, uh...
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what to do in these situations.
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They said to get back to work.
And, uh...
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there were no jobs available for
a man in the fetal position
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under his desk crying.
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[audience laughs]
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Which I gladly would've taken.
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So, I come back here. And, uh...
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Tonight's show is not,
obviously, a regular show.
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We looked through the vault.
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We found some clips we thought
might make you smile.
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Uh, which is really what's
necessary, I think, uh...
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right about now. And a lot
of folks have asked me,
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"What are you gonna do
when you get back?
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"What are you gonna say? I mean,
jeez, what a terrible thing,
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uh, to have to do."
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And, I don't see it
as a burden, at all.
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I... I see it as a privilege.
And...
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[chuckles]
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I just... I see it as a privilege
and everyone here does
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see it that way.
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And...
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the show in general,
we feel like, is a privilege.
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Just-- even the idea
that we can...
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sit in the back of the country
and make wisecracks,
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which is really what we do,
we sit in the back and we
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throw spitballs.
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[audience chuckles]
And, uh...
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But never forgetting
the fact that
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it is a luxury in this country
that allows us to do that.
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That is, a country that allows
for open satire.
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And I know that sounds basic.
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And it sounds as though...
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it goes without saying,
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but that's really what this
whole situation is about.
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It's the difference between
closed and open.
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It's the difference between
free and... [stammering]
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and burdened.
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And we don't take that
for granted here,
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by any stretch of the
imagination.
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And our show has changed.
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I don't doubt that.
What it's become, I don't know.
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"Subliminable" is not
a punchline anymore.
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Uh, one day it will
become that again.
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And... Lord willing,
it will become that again.
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Because it means we have
ridden out the storm.
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But the main reason that
I wanted to speak tonight
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is-- is-- uh...
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not to tell you what this
show's going to be,
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not to tell you about
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all the incredibly brave
people that are here
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in New York, and in Washington,
and around the country.
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But...
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we've had an
unenduring pain here.
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An unendurable pain.
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And...
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I just-- I wanted to
tell you why I grieve...
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but why I don't despair.
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[sniffles]
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I'm sorry.
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Luckily, we can edit this.
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[audience laughs]
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[chuckles]
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One of my first memories is
of Martin Luther King being shot.
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[sniffles] Uh...
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I was five.
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And if you wonder if
this feeling will pass...
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When I was five and he was shot,
here's what I remember about it.
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Uh, I was in a school in Trenton.
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And they shut the lights off and
we got to sit under our desks.
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And we thought
that was really cool.
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And they gave us cottage cheese.
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[audience laughs]
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Which was a cold lunch,
because there was rioting.
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But we didn't know this.
We just thought,
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"My God, we get to sit under our
desks and eat cottage cheese."
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[audience laughs]
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And-- and... what a--
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And that's what I
remember about it.
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And that was a tremendous test
of this country's fabric. And...
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[sniffles]
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And this country's had many tests
before that, and after that.
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And...
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the reason I don't despair
is because...
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this attack happened.
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It's not a dream.
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But, the aftermath of it...
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the recovery,
is a dream realized.
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(voice breaking) And that is
Martin Luther King's dream.
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Whatever barriers we put up
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are gone.
Even if it's just momentary.
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And...
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(voice breaking) We're
judging people by...
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not the color of their skin, but
the content of their character.
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And... [sniffles]
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you know, all this talk about,
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"These guys are
criminal masterminds.
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"They've got together
and they have
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their extraordinary guile,
and their wit and their skill."
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It's... it's a lie.
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Any fool can blow something up.
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Any fool can destroy.
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But to see these guys,
these firefighters,
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these policeman, and people
from all over the country
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literally with buckets,
rebuilding...
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that-- that is...
that's extraordinary.
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And... and that's why
we've already won.
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They can't... it's-- it's light.
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It's democracy.
It's-- we've already won.
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(voice breaking) It can't
shut that down.
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[sniffles] They live in chaos.
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And chaos,
it can't sustain itself.
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It never could.
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It's too easy and
it's too unsatisfying.
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The view from my apartment...
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was the World Trade Center.
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[sniffles]
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And now it's gone.
And they attacked it.
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This symbol of American ingenuity
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and strength, and labor,
and imagination, and commerce,
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and it is gone.
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(voice breakng) But you know
what the view is now?
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The Statue of Liberty.
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The view from the
south of Manhattan
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is now the Statue of Liberty.
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You can't beat that.
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So, we're gonna take a break
and I'm gonna
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stop slobbering myself
on the desk.
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And, uh...
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we're gonna get back to this.
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And it's gonna be fun and funny
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and it's gonna be the same as it
was, and I thank you.
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We'll be right back.
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[audience applauds]
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[upbeat country music]
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♪ ♪
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Hey, welcome back.
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[groans]
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[audience laughs]
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You know what's nice? A good cry.
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[audience laughs]
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I feel like Robin Williams
in the Millennium Man.
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You know? I'm in the
back room going,
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(robotic) "Ah,
I can't feel love."
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[audience laughs]
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(normal) Anyway, I thank you
for your indulgence.
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And, now we move on.
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We wanted to show you
some stuff that I think,
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I pray, will make you smile.
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During our election coverage,
we met all kinds of people,
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uh, that we just
sort of fell in love with.
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And one man in particular
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epitomized to me this sort of
frontier American spirit
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of a man who believed
in all things being possible.
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And his name is Charles R. Doty.
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And I think you'll enjoy
seeing his story.
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So...
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[crackling]
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- Ah, I'm Charles R. Doty.
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It's morning in America again.
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Vance: Following unsuccesful
presedential bids in 1984,
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'88, '92, and '96,
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all eyes are on Oklahoma
political powerhouse
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Charles Doty, as he considers yet
another unsuccessful run
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for the presidency.
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- This is the moment and time
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that I am officially
announcing my candidacy
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as a Democrat for the
President of the United States.
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[patriotic music]
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♪ ♪
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Vance: And already,
the Doty express
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is taking on mythic proportions.
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Any question out-of-bounds?
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- No, no, not with me.
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My life's an open book.
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- Does your wife travel with you?
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- She did one time.
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- Did she like it?
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- No.
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- Besides having
no money, no strategy,
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no volunteers, no ads, no
bumper stickers, no yard signs,
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and a wife who hates
your guts for running,
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what stands between
you and the White House?
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[audience chuckles]
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Hi, listen, Charles Doty
is running for president.
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- I'm not really interested.
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00:11:10,624 --> 00:11:12,319
- I spoke to you.
I spoke with you.
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- Yeah. Actually,
I have an appointment
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00:11:14,096 --> 00:11:15,622
that I'm almost late for.
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- Who do you know that
is going to vote for you?
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00:11:20,400 --> 00:11:22,633
- Rest assured,
I'm gonna vote for me.
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- That's one.
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- Okay. Uh...
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[audience laughs]
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Vance: And that's not even
counting special interest groups.
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00:11:34,546 --> 00:11:36,994
- Well, I do know what
the Indians are like.
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00:11:37,839 --> 00:11:40,699
(laughing) Don't forget,
the cowboys always whips Indians.
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00:11:40,724 --> 00:11:41,919
Joke.
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00:11:42,593 --> 00:11:44,999
- Mister Doty, let's talk
hot-button issues.
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00:11:45,024 --> 00:11:46,911
Just say "for" or "against".
- Okay.
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- The metric system.
- Against.
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00:11:49,309 --> 00:11:50,804
- The United Nations.
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00:11:50,829 --> 00:11:51,877
- Against.
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00:11:51,902 --> 00:11:53,797
- UFO research.
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00:11:53,822 --> 00:11:55,164
- [sighs]
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Uh, for.
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- Kissing on the first date.
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00:12:00,484 --> 00:12:01,784
- Against.
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Oh...
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00:12:03,310 --> 00:12:05,413
[audience laughs]
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00:12:05,439 --> 00:12:06,639
[sighs]
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No, I'd say for.
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00:12:13,959 --> 00:12:15,111
- Mister Doty, do you think
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00:12:15,135 --> 00:12:16,633
you're a viable
candidate this year?
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00:12:16,658 --> 00:12:18,514
- Alright,
no more questions about that.
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We're getting ready for a
rally over here.
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I do want to thank you for
coming out to my rally.
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- Heavy petting
on the first date.
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00:12:25,450 --> 00:12:26,483
- Heavy what?
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00:12:26,508 --> 00:12:28,210
- Heavy petting
on the first date.
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00:12:31,559 --> 00:12:33,180
- [grunts]
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00:12:38,799 --> 00:12:40,223
[sighs]
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Against.
- Against.
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00:12:46,404 --> 00:12:49,712
For this candidate,
big tobacco is not an issue.
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I understand there's no
smoking in the white house.
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- Well, I suppose, for the good
I can do as president
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00:12:58,323 --> 00:13:01,965
far outweight wether or not
I had a cigarette or not.
256
00:13:01,990 --> 00:13:04,487
Yeah, I'd go out sad.
257
00:13:04,512 --> 00:13:06,815
Vance: And once the smoke
clears, don't be surprised
258
00:13:06,840 --> 00:13:09,809
if Charles R. Doty is still
in the running.
259
00:13:10,479 --> 00:13:13,025
- So, come November,
the fourth or fifth.
260
00:13:13,050 --> 00:13:17,219
I don't remember the exact date,
but it's the general election.
261
00:13:17,244 --> 00:13:20,322
Remember, you have
a friend in Doty.
262
00:13:23,606 --> 00:13:25,219
- Ah.
[audience applauds]
263
00:13:25,244 --> 00:13:28,379
We have a friend indeed.
And he has a friend in us.
264
00:13:28,404 --> 00:13:29,560
We'll be right back.
265
00:13:29,585 --> 00:13:32,507
[somber guitar music]
266
00:13:32,532 --> 00:13:35,540
♪ ♪
267
00:13:39,079 --> 00:13:41,893
[upbeat rock music]
268
00:13:41,918 --> 00:13:44,386
♪ ♪
269
00:13:46,430 --> 00:13:50,356
Ah, the band,
ladies and gentlemen.
270
00:13:50,381 --> 00:13:52,993
Welcome back to the show.
Uh...
271
00:13:53,018 --> 00:13:55,241
Like most of you, I've been
watching a lot of TV lately.
272
00:13:55,266 --> 00:13:57,141
And I've been, actually,
very impressed
273
00:13:57,166 --> 00:14:00,506
by the exercise of
judgement and restraint
274
00:14:00,531 --> 00:14:01,899
on the part of the news media.
275
00:14:01,924 --> 00:14:05,285
I know they have
far more graphic images
276
00:14:05,310 --> 00:14:06,904
that they will not run.
277
00:14:06,929 --> 00:14:09,844
And it reminded me that
I once spent the day with someone
278
00:14:09,869 --> 00:14:12,110
who I think has really
exemplified
279
00:14:12,135 --> 00:14:15,409
everything that a journalist
should be in these times.
280
00:14:15,434 --> 00:14:18,481
Peter Jennings.
And, uh, well our day
281
00:14:18,506 --> 00:14:20,448
was not a very conventional one.
282
00:14:20,473 --> 00:14:22,228
It meant a lot to me.
283
00:14:22,253 --> 00:14:24,497
And I'd like you to
take a look at it.
284
00:14:25,544 --> 00:14:28,231
[dramatic music]
285
00:14:28,256 --> 00:14:31,056
♪ ♪
286
00:14:33,000 --> 00:14:39,074
Do you want subtitles for any video?
-=[ ai.OpenSubtitles.com ]=-
287
00:14:43,619 --> 00:14:44,765
man: Can I help you?
288
00:14:44,790 --> 00:14:47,658
[trumpet fanfare]
289
00:14:47,683 --> 00:14:49,619
[fanfare stops]
[dings]
290
00:14:49,644 --> 00:14:53,070
Jon: It was my hero.
Peter Jennings.
291
00:14:53,095 --> 00:14:55,284
He could've thrown me out.
292
00:14:55,309 --> 00:14:59,369
But instead, he took me
on a journey of discovery.
293
00:14:59,394 --> 00:15:01,439
- Well, why'd you come
to the convention?
294
00:15:02,512 --> 00:15:03,779
I mean, I come for two reasons.
295
00:15:03,804 --> 00:15:05,852
I come for the food,
I come to wear makeup.
296
00:15:05,877 --> 00:15:09,079
- Uh, I came here for one reason,
really, and one reason only.
297
00:15:09,104 --> 00:15:11,500
I thought Van Halen was
playing in the spectrum.
298
00:15:11,525 --> 00:15:13,673
You ever talked to Clinton,
or Bush, or anything?
299
00:15:13,698 --> 00:15:14,824
- Yeah, I talked to Clinton.
300
00:15:14,849 --> 00:15:17,364
I talked to George W. Bush in
Austin, Texas just the other day.
301
00:15:17,389 --> 00:15:19,151
What were you doing?
302
00:15:19,176 --> 00:15:21,383
- We were-- we were
talking to, uh--
303
00:15:21,408 --> 00:15:24,469
Are you familiar with Urkel?
Do you know Urkel?
304
00:15:24,494 --> 00:15:27,190
(mockingly) My name is
Sam Donnets and I have a website.
305
00:15:27,215 --> 00:15:29,674
Doo-dee-doo-doo-doo,
I'm in the inter--
306
00:15:30,749 --> 00:15:31,763
I'm in the--
307
00:15:33,243 --> 00:15:34,969
[audience laughs]
308
00:15:41,819 --> 00:15:43,459
(normal) So this is
stress relief?
309
00:15:44,055 --> 00:15:46,275
- It helps, I have to say to you.
310
00:15:46,300 --> 00:15:49,031
- And that's not working.
It just helps.
311
00:15:49,056 --> 00:15:50,424
- Yeah.
312
00:15:50,449 --> 00:15:52,664
Does someone's head
always have to be in it?
313
00:15:52,689 --> 00:15:55,050
- It helps.
314
00:15:55,075 --> 00:15:56,223
It helps.
315
00:15:57,590 --> 00:15:59,924
Jon: Oh, my God.
316
00:15:59,949 --> 00:16:01,797
The convention floor.
317
00:16:03,204 --> 00:16:06,057
- I have such faith in you,
my fellow Americans.
318
00:16:06,692 --> 00:16:09,438
- Does Senator McCain understand
that there's no one here?
319
00:16:09,463 --> 00:16:11,785
Because he seems to be
giving a speech.
320
00:16:12,492 --> 00:16:14,538
But there's no one here.
321
00:16:14,563 --> 00:16:17,029
We kicked back in the green room.
322
00:16:17,054 --> 00:16:19,075
(wheezing) Oh, my God.
323
00:16:20,155 --> 00:16:22,249
- It's not polite to laugh,
but...
324
00:16:22,274 --> 00:16:23,815
- It's like it was written
by a child.
325
00:16:23,840 --> 00:16:25,895
[audience laughs]
326
00:16:27,996 --> 00:16:29,950
(wheezing) Oh, my God.
327
00:16:29,975 --> 00:16:33,876
Then, it was off
to the grand prize.
328
00:16:33,901 --> 00:16:37,842
The ABC Network news desk.
329
00:16:38,629 --> 00:16:40,069
Oh, wow.
330
00:16:40,094 --> 00:16:41,622
- Morning.
- Come and sit in.
331
00:16:41,647 --> 00:16:43,039
- What's this button right here?
332
00:16:43,064 --> 00:16:45,286
- It's the button I push
if I decide
333
00:16:45,311 --> 00:16:47,232
that I want to break
into regular programming
334
00:16:47,257 --> 00:16:48,732
with an urgent bulleting.
335
00:16:51,071 --> 00:16:52,698
- Could I try?
336
00:16:52,723 --> 00:16:55,281
- Here it is.
A one-million-dollar question.
337
00:16:55,306 --> 00:16:56,450
We rarely see this here.
338
00:16:56,475 --> 00:16:59,136
[trumpet fanfare]
339
00:16:59,161 --> 00:17:01,303
narrator: From ABC News...
340
00:17:01,328 --> 00:17:02,671
- Did we do it?
341
00:17:03,304 --> 00:17:04,751
[fanfare fades out]
342
00:17:04,776 --> 00:17:07,584
This just in, this is awesome.
343
00:17:07,609 --> 00:17:08,884
[audience laughs]
344
00:17:08,909 --> 00:17:12,785
Sadly, my network journey
had come to an end.
345
00:17:12,810 --> 00:17:15,907
Peter, thank you so much.
We very much appreciate it.
346
00:17:15,932 --> 00:17:17,827
Goodnight, dude.
- You're not as bad as I heard.
347
00:17:17,852 --> 00:17:19,388
- I appreciate that.
348
00:17:26,878 --> 00:17:28,005
- Just one more thing.
349
00:17:28,791 --> 00:17:31,491
For all of us at ABC News,
goodnight, Jon.
350
00:17:31,516 --> 00:17:33,931
[trumpet fanfare]
351
00:17:33,956 --> 00:17:36,593
- (quietly) Yes! Yes! Yes!
352
00:17:37,579 --> 00:17:39,126
Ah.
353
00:17:39,526 --> 00:17:40,893
We'll be right back.
Stay with us.
354
00:17:40,918 --> 00:17:43,777
[audience applauds]
355
00:17:43,802 --> 00:17:46,431
[slow country music]
356
00:17:46,456 --> 00:17:49,084
♪ ♪
357
00:17:55,850 --> 00:17:58,690
[acoustic guitar music]
358
00:17:58,715 --> 00:18:01,171
♪ ♪
359
00:18:06,414 --> 00:18:08,741
That's about the grooviest tune
I've heard in a long time.
360
00:18:08,766 --> 00:18:10,448
Uh, welcome back to the show.
361
00:18:10,473 --> 00:18:13,788
I have absolutely no reason to
show you this next piece.
362
00:18:13,813 --> 00:18:16,179
I-- uh, it's just pure goofy.
363
00:18:16,204 --> 00:18:17,273
Enjoy.
364
00:18:17,298 --> 00:18:20,059
[whimsical music]
365
00:18:20,084 --> 00:18:22,924
♪ ♪
366
00:18:24,801 --> 00:18:27,421
- Advertising's main function
is to sell products.
367
00:18:27,446 --> 00:18:30,081
But sometimes, it fullfills
a higher purpose.
368
00:18:30,106 --> 00:18:31,739
For instance, what better way
369
00:18:31,764 --> 00:18:34,379
to make the the public aware of
of amazing scientific
370
00:18:34,404 --> 00:18:36,945
advancements in personal hygiene?
371
00:18:36,970 --> 00:18:39,162
narrator: Imagine a
fast, easy, no heat,
372
00:18:39,186 --> 00:18:40,870
all-natural hair removal gel.
373
00:18:41,543 --> 00:18:44,710
- Hmm, no, I can't imagine
something like that.
374
00:18:44,735 --> 00:18:45,785
How would it work?
375
00:18:45,810 --> 00:18:47,811
woman: Go over
firmly three times.
376
00:18:47,836 --> 00:18:51,596
Now, hold the skin taut and pull
it off in the opposite direction.
377
00:18:51,621 --> 00:18:54,456
- Sounds great. Can I use it
anywhere on the body?
378
00:18:54,481 --> 00:18:56,841
narrator: Use anywhere
on the body. Eyebrows.
379
00:18:56,866 --> 00:18:58,628
- Wow.
- narrator: Face.
380
00:18:58,653 --> 00:19:00,941
- Uh-huh.
- narrator: Back.
381
00:19:00,966 --> 00:19:02,636
- Ew.
- narrator: Underarms.
382
00:19:02,661 --> 00:19:04,303
- Oh. [sucks in air]
383
00:19:04,328 --> 00:19:06,629
Well, the product
certainly seems to work.
384
00:19:06,654 --> 00:19:08,513
But it doesn't matter
what you're selling.
385
00:19:08,538 --> 00:19:11,653
You'll never sell any of it
without a catchy name.
386
00:19:11,678 --> 00:19:13,347
narrator 2: Introducing Nad's,
387
00:19:13,371 --> 00:19:15,712
the hottest no-heat product
on the market.
388
00:19:15,737 --> 00:19:18,245
And how the Aussies
have gone mad for Nad's.
389
00:19:18,270 --> 00:19:21,141
It's so successful that
three out of four people
390
00:19:21,166 --> 00:19:23,508
choose Nad's
over the competition.
391
00:19:23,533 --> 00:19:26,118
- Nad's, great name.
392
00:19:26,143 --> 00:19:28,034
The best thing about Nad's is
393
00:19:28,059 --> 00:19:30,774
it sounds like you've
heard it somewhere before.
394
00:19:30,799 --> 00:19:32,566
[audience laughs]
395
00:19:33,259 --> 00:19:34,959
I guess, all I need
to know now is
396
00:19:34,984 --> 00:19:37,533
how do I get my hands
on some Nad's?
397
00:19:37,558 --> 00:19:39,952
narrator 2: Call now to get your
very own supply of Nad's
398
00:19:39,977 --> 00:19:42,032
all-natural hair removal gel.
399
00:19:42,057 --> 00:19:43,412
- Simple enough.
400
00:19:43,437 --> 00:19:44,979
But one thing you
don't want to do
401
00:19:45,004 --> 00:19:47,919
is leave the consumer with
too many questions.
402
00:19:47,944 --> 00:19:51,061
Would my Nad's lose
potency over time?
403
00:19:51,086 --> 00:19:53,608
Can I share my Nad's
with a friend?
404
00:19:53,633 --> 00:19:56,028
Are Nad's harmful if swallowed?
405
00:19:56,053 --> 00:19:58,113
narrator 2: Call now and recieve,
absolutely free,
406
00:19:58,138 --> 00:20:01,938
Sue's special video, "How To Get
Great Results With Nad's".
407
00:20:01,963 --> 00:20:03,785
- Well, I'll tell you,
I'm convinced.
408
00:20:03,810 --> 00:20:07,438
I just wish I knew about Nad's
in time for bikini season.
409
00:20:07,463 --> 00:20:08,658
[audience groans]
410
00:20:08,683 --> 00:20:09,825
Jon?
411
00:20:09,850 --> 00:20:10,895
[audience laughs]
412
00:20:10,920 --> 00:20:12,902
- See? We're back.
413
00:20:14,249 --> 00:20:16,042
Uh, that's our show for tonight.
414
00:20:16,067 --> 00:20:18,074
Uh... Join us
next week at eleven.
415
00:20:18,099 --> 00:20:20,447
We'll try and figure out what
the hell we're gonna do then.
416
00:20:20,472 --> 00:20:23,683
We do hope you got a smile
out of tonight's show.
417
00:20:23,708 --> 00:20:26,152
And if you didn't, I'm about
to introduce your moment of zen.
418
00:20:26,177 --> 00:20:29,732
Normally, our moment of zen
is a piece of disqueting footage,
419
00:20:29,757 --> 00:20:33,199
uh, something eccentric,
or quirky, and...
420
00:20:33,732 --> 00:20:35,097
in keeping with
tonight's theme of
421
00:20:35,121 --> 00:20:36,485
hoping to get a smile out of you,
422
00:20:36,510 --> 00:20:39,807
I now say, here it is,
your moment of zen.
423
00:20:40,233 --> 00:20:42,160
A puppy.
- audience: Aw.
424
00:20:42,185 --> 00:20:43,787
[audience clapping]
425
00:20:43,812 --> 00:20:46,308
- It's your moment of zen.
426
00:20:46,333 --> 00:20:48,135
Oh, don't be scared.
427
00:20:48,160 --> 00:20:49,568
Oh.
428
00:20:49,593 --> 00:20:52,278
[calming guitar music]
429
00:20:52,303 --> 00:20:55,112
♪ ♪
430
00:20:55,137 --> 00:21:00,083
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430
00:21:01,305 --> 00:22:01,266
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