1
00:00:06,000 --> 00:00:12,074
-== [ www.OpenSubtitles.com ] ==-

2
00:00:32,908 --> 00:00:34,576
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)

3
00:00:36,203 --> 00:00:37,955
(PANTING)

4
00:00:40,958 --> 00:00:41,959
(GUN COCKS)

5
00:00:42,793 --> 00:00:44,670
(MUFFLED GUNSHOTS)

6
00:01:11,113 --> 00:01:12,322
(GLASS SHATTERS)

7
00:01:30,007 --> 00:01:31,133
(BONE CRACKING)

8
00:01:52,029 --> 00:01:53,030
Sting!

9
00:01:53,113 --> 00:01:55,157
Sting, open up! It's Bieber!

10
00:01:56,033 --> 00:01:58,243
Sting! Come on! Sting!

11
00:01:58,327 --> 00:02:00,537
It's Bieber, bro! Open the door!

12
00:02:00,662 --> 00:02:02,456
(PANTING) Oh, fudge!

13
00:02:16,136 --> 00:02:17,638
You can't kill us all.

14
00:02:17,721 --> 00:02:19,598
We will protect the Chosen One.

15
00:02:21,058 --> 00:02:22,684
(RAPID GUNFIRE)

16
00:03:21,118 --> 00:03:22,327
(SHUTTER CLICKS)

17
00:03:30,961 --> 00:03:32,421
(GRUNTING) Uh-huh.

18
00:03:40,178 --> 00:03:41,680
Peace out, world.

19
00:03:41,763 --> 00:03:42,764
Peace out.

20
00:03:44,641 --> 00:03:46,059
(GASPS)

21
00:04:02,033 --> 00:04:05,412
Valentina, he was pronounced
dead 13 minutes ago.

22
00:04:05,495 --> 00:04:06,830
I can't believe it.

23
00:04:07,247 --> 00:04:08,582
Justin Bieber?

24
00:04:08,999 --> 00:04:10,083
No.

25
00:04:12,294 --> 00:04:15,172
The sixth pop star to die in the last year.

26
00:04:17,883 --> 00:04:20,051
And all with that look.

27
00:04:21,595 --> 00:04:23,930
FILIPPO: As if they were
trying to tell us something.

28
00:04:24,681 --> 00:04:26,183
That look.

29
00:04:28,894 --> 00:04:30,979
There's only one person on Earth

30
00:04:31,062 --> 00:04:33,190
who would know
how to interpret this look.

31
00:04:33,774 --> 00:04:35,108
It's a dead end, Valentina.

32
00:04:35,192 --> 00:04:37,068
No one has seen that man in years.

33
00:04:38,779 --> 00:04:40,864
Then God help us all.

34
00:04:54,795 --> 00:04:56,171
{\an8}Shocking. Stupefying.

35
00:04:56,254 --> 00:04:59,049
{\an8}Something out of a Hollywood
disaster movie.

36
00:04:59,424 --> 00:05:01,593
{\an8}Just a few of the ways
New Yorkers described

37
00:05:01,676 --> 00:05:04,387
{\an8}what happened today
as Derek Zoolander's

38
00:05:04,471 --> 00:05:06,097
{\an8}<i>Center for Kids Who Can't Read Good</i>

39
00:05:06,181 --> 00:05:09,017
{\an8}<i>and Who Wanna Learn to Do
Other Stuff Good, Too</i>

40
00:05:09,100 --> 00:05:11,686
{\an8}<i>literally collapsed into the East River</i>

41
00:05:11,770 --> 00:05:14,439
{\an8}<i>only two days after its official opening.</i>

42
00:05:14,815 --> 00:05:16,775
{\an8}Students and teachers were evacuated.

43
00:05:17,067 --> 00:05:20,946
<i>And while Zoolander and his son,
Derek Jr., were unharmed,</i>

44
00:05:21,029 --> 00:05:23,990
<i>sadly, his wife,
Matilda Jeffries-Zoolander,</i>

45
00:05:24,074 --> 00:05:25,784
{\an8}<i>has reportedly died.</i>

46
00:05:26,743 --> 00:05:28,411
(DEREK COUGHING)

47
00:05:28,537 --> 00:05:31,331
I just feel lucky no one
from my family was hurt!

48
00:05:32,958 --> 00:05:34,751
She was crushed by the book?

49
00:05:36,753 --> 00:05:38,353
JIM LEHRER:
<i>A vigil is being held tonight</i>

50
00:05:38,380 --> 00:05:41,675
{\an8}for the other chisel-cheeked
lion of the modeling kingdom,

51
00:05:41,758 --> 00:05:44,052
{\an8}Hansel, who is reported
to have sustained

52
00:05:44,135 --> 00:05:47,013
{\an8}permanent injury to his breathtaking face

53
00:05:47,097 --> 00:05:49,850
{\an8}<i>after being trapped
beneath a burning beam.</i>

54
00:05:49,933 --> 00:05:52,411
{\an8}CHRISTIANE AMANPOUR: <i>Although
authorities are still investigating,</i>

55
00:05:52,435 --> 00:05:54,729
{\an8}the cause of the disaster
is believed to be

56
00:05:54,813 --> 00:05:57,357
{\an8}Zoolander's mind-boggling decision

57
00:05:57,440 --> 00:05:59,442
{\an8}<i>to build the reading center</i>

58
00:05:59,526 --> 00:06:02,612
{\an8}out of the actual materials
that were used to construct

59
00:06:02,696 --> 00:06:05,323
{\an8}<i>the original architectural model.</i>

60
00:06:05,949 --> 00:06:07,951
{\an8}JANE PAULEY: <i>Clothing designer
Jacob Moogberg,</i>

61
00:06:08,076 --> 00:06:09,995
AKA Jacobim Mugatu

62
00:06:10,078 --> 00:06:12,747
was sentenced today
to two consecutive life terms

63
00:06:12,831 --> 00:06:15,584
in a maximum security fashion prison

64
00:06:15,667 --> 00:06:17,711
{\an8}for his role in
the attempted assassination

65
00:06:17,794 --> 00:06:19,379
{\an8}<i>of the Malaysian Prime Minister.</i>

66
00:06:19,462 --> 00:06:21,274
{\an8}JOE SCARBOROUGH:
<i>His co-conspirator, modeling agent</i>

67
00:06:21,298 --> 00:06:23,592
{\an8}Maury Ballstein, turned state's witness...

68
00:06:23,675 --> 00:06:26,511
{\an8}I'll give you anything
you want on that <i>fakakta</i> fink.

69
00:06:26,595 --> 00:06:30,348
{\an8}...in exchange for relocation in the
Witness Protection Program.

70
00:06:30,891 --> 00:06:34,603
Back in the news tonight,
former model, negligent builder,

71
00:06:34,686 --> 00:06:37,397
now unfit parent, Derek Zoolander.

72
00:06:37,606 --> 00:06:39,357
{\an8}This footage was taken by a neighbor

73
00:06:39,441 --> 00:06:42,027
{\an8}across from Zoolander's SoHo loft.

74
00:06:42,152 --> 00:06:44,821
{\an8}D.J., how did Mommy make it soft?

75
00:06:45,155 --> 00:06:46,281
{\an8}(GRUNTS)

76
00:06:46,364 --> 00:06:47,949
{\an8}DON LEMON:
<i>The Child Protection Agency</i>

77
00:06:48,033 --> 00:06:50,118
{\an8}<i>removed Zoolander's son, Derek Jr.</i>

78
00:06:50,201 --> 00:06:52,370
{\an8}late last night in a daring midnight raid

79
00:06:52,454 --> 00:06:54,789
placing him in the custody of the state.

80
00:06:56,499 --> 00:06:57,751
Which is why it pains me to say

81
00:06:57,834 --> 00:07:00,754
that effective immediately,
I will retire from modeling

82
00:07:01,379 --> 00:07:04,758
and live alone as a hermit crab.

83
00:07:05,342 --> 00:07:08,470
{\an8}I will now be anonymous
and known only as...

84
00:07:09,220 --> 00:07:10,347
{\an8}Eric...

85
00:07:11,222 --> 00:07:12,307
Toolander.

86
00:07:14,351 --> 00:07:15,620
MATT LAUER: <i>And finally tonight,</i>

87
00:07:15,644 --> 00:07:17,687
here's something to make you feel old.

88
00:07:17,771 --> 00:07:19,230
Incredible as it may sound,

89
00:07:19,314 --> 00:07:23,151
of the over 3.7 million
high school graduates this year

90
00:07:23,234 --> 00:07:26,655
less than 2% could tell you
what a fax machine is,

91
00:07:26,738 --> 00:07:28,698
name a Caucasian President,

92
00:07:28,782 --> 00:07:31,660
or know who Derek Zoolander was.

93
00:07:31,993 --> 00:07:34,663
(ECHOING) <i>Was... Was... Was...</i>

94
00:07:41,544 --> 00:07:43,338
(WIND HOWLING)

95
00:07:51,221 --> 00:07:53,014
(WHISTLING)

96
00:08:02,315 --> 00:08:03,900
(CABIN FLOOR CREAKS)

97
00:08:09,280 --> 00:08:10,657
(KNOCK ON DOOR)

98
00:08:13,284 --> 00:08:14,911
Go away.

99
00:08:15,578 --> 00:08:17,664
MAN: Derek! Open up, it's me.

100
00:08:17,747 --> 00:08:19,749
I'm sorry, traveler,
you must have lost your way.

101
00:08:19,833 --> 00:08:21,668
No one lives here by that name.

102
00:08:21,751 --> 00:08:24,254
MAN: Right. Sorry. I mean, Eric.

103
00:08:24,337 --> 00:08:25,630
I've got your mail.

104
00:08:37,767 --> 00:08:41,062
Billy Zane. It's been years.

105
00:08:41,771 --> 00:08:44,024
Where's my regular mailperson, Ingvar?

106
00:08:44,274 --> 00:08:45,525
He couldn't make it.

107
00:08:45,608 --> 00:08:48,069
I was in the neighborhood,
I thought I'd stop by.

108
00:08:49,279 --> 00:08:50,780
Got your Netflix.

109
00:08:52,449 --> 00:08:54,117
Whoa, <i>Jack Ryan...</i>

110
00:08:54,784 --> 00:08:56,286
...and <i>Jack Reacher.</i>

111
00:08:56,369 --> 00:08:58,288
Tonight's gonna be a total Jack-off.

112
00:08:59,456 --> 00:09:01,082
You have something else here.

113
00:09:03,793 --> 00:09:04,794
What is it?

114
00:09:05,128 --> 00:09:06,463
Open it.

115
00:09:18,850 --> 00:09:20,143
(CHIMES)

116
00:09:21,811 --> 00:09:24,773
Gryootings, Derek Zoolownder.

117
00:09:25,315 --> 00:09:27,317
Are you a Boxtroll?

118
00:09:27,817 --> 00:09:29,402
That's Alexanya Atoz,

119
00:09:29,486 --> 00:09:32,072
owner of the largest fashion
empire in the world.

120
00:09:32,155 --> 00:09:37,160
Because you are one of the
world's true fishion icons,

121
00:09:37,494 --> 00:09:42,499
I have personal selected you
to come to Rome...

122
00:09:43,249 --> 00:09:45,668
The Eturnanal Cyootee...

123
00:09:45,752 --> 00:09:48,505
To muddel my nyouest colleeauction

124
00:09:48,588 --> 00:09:51,591
by my hoottest now designer...

125
00:09:52,050 --> 00:09:54,385
Doon Atari.

126
00:09:55,095 --> 00:09:56,262
Who?

127
00:09:56,346 --> 00:09:58,056
Don Atari.

128
00:09:58,139 --> 00:09:59,766
He's "it" in fashion right now.

129
00:09:59,849 --> 00:10:01,601
People would die to be in his show.

130
00:10:02,018 --> 00:10:03,394
(WHISPERS) I can't.

131
00:10:03,937 --> 00:10:05,772
I'm a hermit crab now.

132
00:10:06,022 --> 00:10:07,482
Gryootings, Derek Zoolownder.

133
00:10:07,565 --> 00:10:08,942
I already told you!

134
00:10:09,025 --> 00:10:11,027
It's like you're not even listening to me!

135
00:10:17,367 --> 00:10:19,160
Derek, uh...

136
00:10:19,619 --> 00:10:20,954
Eric.

137
00:10:21,538 --> 00:10:25,250
Maybe it's time to engage
with the world again.

138
00:10:26,000 --> 00:10:28,294
Think about it, man.
This could be a sign.

139
00:10:28,378 --> 00:10:30,880
And what if it's a stop sign, Billy?

140
00:10:31,381 --> 00:10:35,385
I used to be a successful
model/fashion icon.

141
00:10:36,386 --> 00:10:38,930
Now, I'm just a model/failure.

142
00:10:39,806 --> 00:10:43,143
Slash-guy who is still a model/father.

143
00:10:43,643 --> 00:10:45,311
Slash-guy who killed his wife

144
00:10:45,395 --> 00:10:48,064
using cheap building materials
that collapsed on her.

145
00:10:48,940 --> 00:10:53,319
Slash-guy who has got
to stop beating himself up about that!

146
00:10:53,862 --> 00:10:55,822
Slash-guy who couldn't
make spaghetti soft

147
00:10:55,905 --> 00:10:56,990
so they took away his son,

148
00:10:57,073 --> 00:10:59,576
so-slash-now he's alone
and hiding from the world.

149
00:11:01,202 --> 00:11:02,370
Slash.

150
00:11:04,080 --> 00:11:07,917
Slash-have you ever even tried
to get your son back?

151
00:11:11,212 --> 00:11:12,672
You can do that?

152
00:11:12,755 --> 00:11:14,841
Yeah. You'd hire a litigator,

153
00:11:14,924 --> 00:11:16,402
he files the appropriate paperwork...

154
00:11:16,426 --> 00:11:18,511
But I don't even know where he is.

155
00:11:19,095 --> 00:11:20,430
First things first.

156
00:11:21,472 --> 00:11:24,976
If you take this job
that Alexanya's offering you,

157
00:11:25,059 --> 00:11:26,686
you could prove to Child Services

158
00:11:26,769 --> 00:11:29,522
that you're a productive
member of society again.

159
00:11:31,649 --> 00:11:32,817
Go to Rome.

160
00:11:34,068 --> 00:11:35,486
Find yourself.

161
00:11:36,362 --> 00:11:39,032
Become the father you were meant to be

162
00:11:39,782 --> 00:11:42,076
and get your boy back.

163
00:11:54,464 --> 00:11:56,132
Safe journey, my friend!

164
00:11:57,967 --> 00:11:59,469
Thanks, Billy!

165
00:12:13,399 --> 00:12:14,651
(CAR BEEPING)

166
00:12:27,997 --> 00:12:29,499
(SCREECHING)

167
00:12:49,143 --> 00:12:50,478
What have you got?

168
00:12:57,902 --> 00:13:00,905
(SIGHS) Ball and chain not happy.

169
00:13:10,456 --> 00:13:11,624
(GROANS)

170
00:13:11,708 --> 00:13:13,084
Sorry I'm late!

171
00:13:13,167 --> 00:13:14,335
Oh, my gosh.

172
00:13:14,961 --> 00:13:16,629
I was finishing up Shavasana

173
00:13:16,713 --> 00:13:19,549
and this sandstorm
kicked up out of nowhere.

174
00:13:19,841 --> 00:13:21,342
I'm okay, though.

175
00:13:21,676 --> 00:13:23,720
Ah, Natalka, you look beautiful.

176
00:13:24,637 --> 00:13:25,722
(SCOFFS) Really?

177
00:13:26,389 --> 00:13:27,724
Yes, really.

178
00:13:28,725 --> 00:13:30,310
Dinner is ruined!

179
00:13:32,562 --> 00:13:34,939
Guys, I told you
not to wait for me, didn't I?

180
00:13:35,023 --> 00:13:36,607
Remember, we talked about this.

181
00:13:37,191 --> 00:13:38,943
Can't we just take it slow?

182
00:13:39,152 --> 00:13:40,504
When I met you guys two years ago,

183
00:13:40,528 --> 00:13:42,780
it was the best orgy of my life.

184
00:13:43,489 --> 00:13:45,450
Let's get back to that feeling.

185
00:13:45,533 --> 00:13:46,617
It's there.

186
00:13:46,701 --> 00:13:47,702
(BLEATS)

187
00:13:48,619 --> 00:13:49,954
MAN: Hansel.

188
00:13:51,956 --> 00:13:54,625
Every relationship has to evolve.

189
00:13:55,335 --> 00:13:58,338
And somehow, you've managed
to stay the same.

190
00:13:59,255 --> 00:14:01,841
But you're gonna
have to change, my man.

191
00:14:01,924 --> 00:14:03,760
'Cause change, she is a-comin'.

192
00:14:04,552 --> 00:14:05,595
What?

193
00:14:13,436 --> 00:14:14,812
Natalka.

194
00:14:20,818 --> 00:14:22,153
All of you?

195
00:14:26,282 --> 00:14:27,700
(SHUDDERS)

196
00:14:27,784 --> 00:14:29,786
How is this even possible?

197
00:14:30,036 --> 00:14:31,788
We thought you'd be happy.

198
00:14:32,330 --> 00:14:34,499
(STUTTERING) Well, I am happy.

199
00:14:34,582 --> 00:14:35,917
That, uh...

200
00:14:36,000 --> 00:14:39,462
It's just a lot to process,
and that's what I'm doing.

201
00:14:40,129 --> 00:14:41,214
To be honest,

202
00:14:41,297 --> 00:14:43,758
I've never seen myself
in this role, you know, as a...

203
00:14:44,092 --> 00:14:45,426
You mean a father?

204
00:14:45,843 --> 00:14:48,304
Well... Uh... I...

205
00:14:49,639 --> 00:14:50,879
Let me... I want to check on...

206
00:14:50,932 --> 00:14:52,600
On the camel here!

207
00:14:57,271 --> 00:14:58,564
(PANTING)

208
00:15:01,818 --> 00:15:03,528
Who am I?

209
00:15:06,614 --> 00:15:08,282
Who am I?

210
00:15:08,908 --> 00:15:10,243
BILLY: Hey, Hansel!

211
00:15:13,704 --> 00:15:15,123
Billy Zane?

212
00:15:16,290 --> 00:15:17,625
Got your Netflix.

213
00:15:18,960 --> 00:15:20,294
And this.

214
00:15:42,525 --> 00:15:44,169
DEREK: Thanks very much.
HANSEL: No, it's my bag.

215
00:15:44,193 --> 00:15:45,337
DEREK: Excuse me, I think that's...

216
00:15:45,361 --> 00:15:47,613
No, trust me, this is my bag.

217
00:15:47,697 --> 00:15:50,032
- Just look at the ticket right here.
- Hansel.

218
00:15:50,116 --> 00:15:51,701
Never heard of him, honcho.

219
00:15:51,784 --> 00:15:54,370
Look right here at the ticket
and you can see that...

220
00:15:56,164 --> 00:15:57,999
Derek Zoolander.

221
00:15:58,291 --> 00:15:59,750
(SIGHS)

222
00:16:00,126 --> 00:16:02,962
Hi. It's been a long time.

223
00:16:03,504 --> 00:16:05,548
Yeah. Not long enough.

224
00:16:06,841 --> 00:16:09,886
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I think I should peace.

225
00:16:10,136 --> 00:16:11,721
Wait a minute!

226
00:16:11,804 --> 00:16:13,157
We haven't seen each other since...

227
00:16:13,181 --> 00:16:14,408
Since the building you designed

228
00:16:14,432 --> 00:16:16,184
fell on my face and ruined my career?

229
00:16:16,267 --> 00:16:17,810
Yeah, it's been a while.

230
00:16:17,977 --> 00:16:19,854
It was an accident. I didn't mean to...

231
00:16:19,937 --> 00:16:23,065
You didn't mean to build
the support beams out of popsicle sticks

232
00:16:23,149 --> 00:16:25,109
and highly-flammable rubber cement?

233
00:16:25,193 --> 00:16:26,486
That was just a little accident?

234
00:16:26,569 --> 00:16:27,570
Yeah.

235
00:16:28,571 --> 00:16:30,865
This is it. Forever.

236
00:16:31,240 --> 00:16:32,492
Because I promise you,

237
00:16:32,575 --> 00:16:35,828
this is the last time
we will ever see each other.

238
00:16:35,912 --> 00:16:37,497
Right here, this moment.

239
00:16:37,747 --> 00:16:39,707
Good-bye forever.

240
00:16:40,166 --> 00:16:41,751
Works for me.

241
00:16:50,760 --> 00:16:52,470
(REPORTERS CLAMORING)

242
00:16:54,639 --> 00:16:55,848
Hope you're not an epiplectic,

243
00:16:55,932 --> 00:16:57,475
because we're about to get blinded.

244
00:16:57,600 --> 00:16:59,101
Yep. Here we go.

245
00:17:01,938 --> 00:17:03,814
REPORTER: Susan Boyle, right here!

246
00:17:05,274 --> 00:17:06,859
Take a picture of that!

247
00:17:06,943 --> 00:17:08,277
Vultures!

248
00:17:10,821 --> 00:17:13,115
I guess with my beard
and your disgusting face,

249
00:17:13,199 --> 00:17:14,534
they don't know who we are.

250
00:17:14,617 --> 00:17:16,285
VIP: Derek! Hansel!

251
00:17:17,286 --> 00:17:18,621
Hey, boys. I'm Vip.

252
00:17:20,331 --> 00:17:22,041
- Vip?
- Yeah.

253
00:17:22,124 --> 00:17:24,293
I'm in charge of social media
for Don Atari.

254
00:17:24,377 --> 00:17:26,087
I've been working for him since I was 10.

255
00:17:26,170 --> 00:17:27,505
How old are you now?

256
00:17:27,922 --> 00:17:28,922
Eleven.

257
00:17:28,965 --> 00:17:30,216
Should we go to the hotel?

258
00:17:45,147 --> 00:17:47,233
Pretty strange, you and I
both getting called back

259
00:17:47,316 --> 00:17:49,235
to the big stage like this.

260
00:17:49,527 --> 00:17:52,655
A gig's a gig.
I'm just doing this to get my son back.

261
00:17:53,155 --> 00:17:56,742
Explain how doing a fashion show's
gonna accomplish that.

262
00:17:56,826 --> 00:17:59,870
Simple. Child Services hears
I'm working again,

263
00:18:00,162 --> 00:18:02,331
KKK, a responsible parent,

264
00:18:02,415 --> 00:18:04,125
and they give me my son back.

265
00:18:04,208 --> 00:18:06,043
(SCOFFS) Responsible parent?

266
00:18:06,586 --> 00:18:07,938
What? You don't think I could be one?

267
00:18:07,962 --> 00:18:10,798
No, it just brings up
some junk from the past.

268
00:18:10,881 --> 00:18:11,924
I didn't have a father.

269
00:18:12,008 --> 00:18:13,968
It's kind of my big issue right now.

270
00:18:14,427 --> 00:18:16,554
- You didn't have a father?
- Nah.

271
00:18:16,637 --> 00:18:20,141
All my mom ever told me
was my dad was a beat cop.

272
00:18:20,516 --> 00:18:22,852
(CHUCKLES) Always on the road.

273
00:18:23,227 --> 00:18:25,521
The road away from little Hansel.

274
00:18:34,196 --> 00:18:37,366
Valentina. You're going to
want to see this.

275
00:18:40,745 --> 00:18:42,747
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

276
00:18:44,707 --> 00:18:47,335
Check out Mr. Disco Barry Gibb.

277
00:18:50,630 --> 00:18:52,381
Zoolander is in Rome?

278
00:19:03,392 --> 00:19:05,227
Welcome to the Palazzo D'Caca.

279
00:19:05,311 --> 00:19:07,063
The entire hotel is biodegradable

280
00:19:07,146 --> 00:19:08,898
and made from reclaimed human waste.

281
00:19:09,940 --> 00:19:12,526
This is the ultra-exclusive, fully-toxic,

282
00:19:12,610 --> 00:19:13,903
Zero-Footprint Suite.

283
00:19:14,445 --> 00:19:16,447
The masseuses at the spa
are all homeless.

284
00:19:16,530 --> 00:19:19,200
And the hotel
has complimentary farm-to-table Wi-Fi.

285
00:19:19,950 --> 00:19:21,285
Wait... We're rooming together?

286
00:19:21,452 --> 00:19:22,453
Mmm-hmm.

287
00:19:22,578 --> 00:19:24,372
There must be some mistake.

288
00:19:24,455 --> 00:19:25,581
I'll call Billy Zane.

289
00:19:25,665 --> 00:19:26,707
Good idea.

290
00:19:27,166 --> 00:19:28,417
(BEEPING)

291
00:19:28,751 --> 00:19:30,920
Look, tiny phone! That is so retro.

292
00:19:31,003 --> 00:19:32,397
I'm gonna take a picture of it
with my phone.

293
00:19:32,421 --> 00:19:33,464
(SHUTTER CLICKS)

294
00:19:33,547 --> 00:19:35,427
BILLY: <i>This is Billy Zane.
I'm not here right...</i>

295
00:19:35,466 --> 00:19:38,094
Well, Don Atari
is waiting for you down in the lobby.

296
00:19:38,219 --> 00:19:40,680
Oh, and don't drink the water
or you'll die.

297
00:19:44,725 --> 00:19:46,102
I just have one question.

298
00:19:46,185 --> 00:19:47,228
Yeah?

299
00:19:48,270 --> 00:19:51,107
What in the world is farm-to-table Wi-Fi?

300
00:19:51,357 --> 00:19:52,525
(CHUCKLES) You're asking me?

301
00:19:52,608 --> 00:19:54,860
<i>Muchacho,</i> I have no idea.

302
00:19:54,944 --> 00:19:56,570
- For serious?
- No!

303
00:19:56,654 --> 00:19:58,840
Because when Vip said that,
you had this look on your face, like,

304
00:19:58,864 --> 00:20:00,658
"I totally know
what farm-to-table Wi-Fi is!"

305
00:20:00,741 --> 00:20:03,035
I was acting cool
'cause I thought you knew.

306
00:20:03,119 --> 00:20:04,495
I thought you knew!

307
00:20:04,578 --> 00:20:07,915
No, I just didn't want Vip
to think I was uncool! (LAUGHS)

308
00:20:09,458 --> 00:20:11,627
I miss not knowing things with you.

309
00:20:11,877 --> 00:20:13,713
Yeah. Me, too.

310
00:20:13,796 --> 00:20:15,381
Why didn't we do this sooner?

311
00:20:15,631 --> 00:20:16,951
Because we've both been in hiding

312
00:20:17,007 --> 00:20:18,110
since the day I killed my wife

313
00:20:18,134 --> 00:20:19,468
and permanently disfigured you.

314
00:20:19,760 --> 00:20:21,595
Oh, yeah, that's probably it.

315
00:20:23,639 --> 00:20:25,516
That was the day I lost the fire.

316
00:20:25,599 --> 00:20:26,976
The fire?

317
00:20:27,518 --> 00:20:29,353
The fire in my face.

318
00:20:30,312 --> 00:20:33,023
It's kind of my big issue right now.

319
00:20:33,107 --> 00:20:36,026
You still got it, D-Zone.
You're Derek Zoolander.

320
00:20:36,110 --> 00:20:39,196
You stopped a Chinese throwing star
in mid-air with a look.

321
00:20:42,324 --> 00:20:43,617
<i>I was there.</i>

322
00:20:45,119 --> 00:20:46,620
(SOFTLY) That's not me anymore.

323
00:20:46,704 --> 00:20:47,997
Yes, it is.

324
00:20:48,080 --> 00:20:50,750
Hey, flash me that beautiful look.

325
00:20:51,167 --> 00:20:53,085
Give me that incredible Magnum.

326
00:20:53,169 --> 00:20:54,170
No!

327
00:20:54,962 --> 00:20:56,172
Think fast. Magnum.

328
00:20:56,255 --> 00:20:57,381
Wait, no!

329
00:20:57,465 --> 00:20:58,632
Magnum! Now!

330
00:20:59,008 --> 00:21:00,593
- (GRUNTS)
- Oh!

331
00:21:01,010 --> 00:21:02,803
Come on! You got this,
but you got to focus!

332
00:21:03,345 --> 00:21:04,555
(GROANS)

333
00:21:04,638 --> 00:21:06,390
- Come on!
- Hansel, stop!

334
00:21:06,474 --> 00:21:08,225
- You got this! Yeah!
- (GROANING)

335
00:21:08,309 --> 00:21:09,935
Maybe we could try a wash cloth?

336
00:21:10,019 --> 00:21:11,687
- Tequila!
- Hansel, no!

337
00:21:11,854 --> 00:21:12,938
(GROANING)

338
00:21:13,022 --> 00:21:15,357
No! It's not working!

339
00:21:15,983 --> 00:21:17,735
(SIGHS) Ah, you're right.

340
00:21:18,235 --> 00:21:19,236
(EXHALES)

341
00:21:20,821 --> 00:21:22,031
(SIGHS)

342
00:21:22,531 --> 00:21:24,658
What happened to us?

343
00:21:26,410 --> 00:21:28,621
You mean me. (BREATHING HEAVILY)

344
00:21:29,955 --> 00:21:31,290
You still have it.

345
00:21:31,373 --> 00:21:32,666
No, I don't.

346
00:21:32,750 --> 00:21:35,252
Look at this face. It's a horror show.

347
00:21:39,882 --> 00:21:42,802
Come on, Hansel. It can't be that bad.

348
00:21:42,885 --> 00:21:44,220
It is.

349
00:21:44,845 --> 00:21:46,388
- Take off your mask.
- No.

350
00:21:46,514 --> 00:21:47,640
No way.

351
00:21:47,723 --> 00:21:50,226
No one's ever seen me
without this mask.

352
00:21:50,351 --> 00:21:51,711
(WHISPERING) And no one ever will.

353
00:21:53,229 --> 00:21:55,064
I think I know the real you.

354
00:21:55,731 --> 00:21:58,234
And it has nothing to do
with the way you look.

355
00:21:59,068 --> 00:22:00,528
You mean that?

356
00:22:00,611 --> 00:22:02,112
Of course, I do.

357
00:22:02,446 --> 00:22:03,531
Okay.

358
00:22:07,576 --> 00:22:08,994
(SCREAMS) No!

359
00:22:09,078 --> 00:22:10,621
It's disgusting! Put it back!

360
00:22:10,704 --> 00:22:12,724
I was wrong, please,
put the mask back on! It's so gross!

361
00:22:12,748 --> 00:22:15,042
I can't be friends with you
if you look like that! Please!

362
00:22:15,125 --> 00:22:17,670
(GAGS) It is so disgusting!
Please, put it back!

363
00:22:17,753 --> 00:22:19,421
Please, Hansel, put it back, I was wrong!

364
00:22:19,505 --> 00:22:21,924
No. This feels good.

365
00:22:22,466 --> 00:22:23,860
Could you please put the mask back on

366
00:22:23,884 --> 00:22:25,487
so I can concentrate on
what you're saying?

367
00:22:25,511 --> 00:22:27,930
No! I'm done hiding.

368
00:22:28,430 --> 00:22:31,475
Look, there's only one way
for us to find ourselves.

369
00:22:31,600 --> 00:22:32,768
Know what that is?

370
00:22:33,227 --> 00:22:35,813
Look inward and connect
with our authentic truth?

371
00:22:36,105 --> 00:22:38,482
No. I was gonna say
become the two biggest,

372
00:22:38,566 --> 00:22:40,234
hottest models in the world again.

373
00:22:40,317 --> 00:22:41,443
Okay.

374
00:22:41,527 --> 00:22:44,113
Okay. So what say
we get you cleaned up,

375
00:22:44,196 --> 00:22:45,823
shave that billy goat beard,

376
00:22:45,906 --> 00:22:49,702
go downstairs and show these punks
what real fashion looks like?

377
00:22:50,452 --> 00:22:52,204
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

378
00:23:28,324 --> 00:23:29,450
(GASPS)

379
00:23:29,533 --> 00:23:31,952
Oh, my God. Yes, dude!

380
00:23:32,036 --> 00:23:35,623
Yes! You guys look so lame.
I love it, dude.

381
00:23:35,706 --> 00:23:37,517
You ninjas dressed up
all old-school just to meet me.

382
00:23:37,541 --> 00:23:38,542
So Jedi.

383
00:23:38,667 --> 00:23:40,210
You guys suck. Both of you guys suck.

384
00:23:40,294 --> 00:23:41,712
You look great. (GRUNTS)

385
00:23:42,296 --> 00:23:43,505
Thanks.

386
00:23:43,881 --> 00:23:45,799
I'm Don Atari. What up?

387
00:23:46,800 --> 00:23:48,010
What up, Hansel?

388
00:23:48,093 --> 00:23:50,137
(LAUGHS) Yeah. That's sick.

389
00:23:50,512 --> 00:23:52,640
Wait a minute. "I'll call Billy...".

390
00:23:53,057 --> 00:23:54,391
I just said that!

391
00:23:55,017 --> 00:23:56,977
I know. Like, 15 minutes ago, right?

392
00:23:57,061 --> 00:23:58,701
Vip told me, so I made these retro shirts

393
00:23:58,771 --> 00:24:00,522
with your old catchphrase on it.

394
00:24:01,357 --> 00:24:02,524
Cool.

395
00:24:02,733 --> 00:24:04,169
Hey, let me introduce
my collective, dude.

396
00:24:04,193 --> 00:24:05,712
They're all losers, I hate these guys.

397
00:24:05,736 --> 00:24:07,738
We got TRS-80, KITT...

398
00:24:08,155 --> 00:24:09,823
Rubik, my man Gleek.

399
00:24:10,032 --> 00:24:13,035
Eh, this guy gives
the best shitty tattoos ever.

400
00:24:13,118 --> 00:24:15,204
He's a genius. His tattoos are so stupid.

401
00:24:15,287 --> 00:24:16,914
He's the one who did
my Colonel Sanders.

402
00:24:16,997 --> 00:24:18,224
Look at that, pretty epic, huh?

403
00:24:18,248 --> 00:24:19,625
It sucks, I don't like it, dude.

404
00:24:20,876 --> 00:24:23,295
Why would I do this to myself?
I never wanted this on me.

405
00:24:23,379 --> 00:24:25,379
I love it, dude. I got it
when my grandfather died.

406
00:24:26,090 --> 00:24:27,132
That's really cool.

407
00:24:27,216 --> 00:24:28,968
So, uh, what's the deal with the show?

408
00:24:29,426 --> 00:24:31,971
Yeah, where do you want us
to fire up this chainsaw?

409
00:24:32,054 --> 00:24:35,391
Colosseum? Trevi Fountain?
Spanish Steps?

410
00:24:35,474 --> 00:24:36,517
(LAUGHS)

411
00:24:36,600 --> 00:24:37,810
What? No way, dude.

412
00:24:37,893 --> 00:24:39,687
Those places are gnar-gnar bo-bo.

413
00:24:40,062 --> 00:24:42,207
We're holding it
in an abandoned medical waste facility

414
00:24:42,231 --> 00:24:44,149
on top of an industrial trash heap.

415
00:24:44,233 --> 00:24:46,402
It's totally toxic, but super chill.

416
00:24:46,735 --> 00:24:48,487
Cool! Sounds dope.

417
00:24:48,570 --> 00:24:49,655
Yeah, fresh.

418
00:24:49,780 --> 00:24:51,156
Oh, what?

419
00:24:51,240 --> 00:24:53,742
You guys are like,
"Sounds dope!" "Fresh!"

420
00:24:54,702 --> 00:24:56,870
They're doing the voices and everything!

421
00:24:56,954 --> 00:24:59,373
I didn't think you guys
would do the voices. That's sick!

422
00:24:59,456 --> 00:25:01,750
"Sounds dope! Sounds fresh!"

423
00:25:02,626 --> 00:25:05,462
I don't like you guys.
It's an honor to have you.

424
00:25:21,979 --> 00:25:23,105
Hey, retreads!

425
00:25:23,814 --> 00:25:25,482
I want to introduce you all to my muse

426
00:25:25,566 --> 00:25:27,246
and basically, like,
the biggest supermodel

427
00:25:27,276 --> 00:25:28,819
in the whole world right now, dude.

428
00:25:28,902 --> 00:25:30,404
This is All.

429
00:25:31,196 --> 00:25:32,406
All what?

430
00:25:32,489 --> 00:25:33,824
We are All.

431
00:25:34,533 --> 00:25:38,203
So, are you like a male model
or a female model?

432
00:25:38,412 --> 00:25:41,081
All is not defined by binary constructs.

433
00:25:41,665 --> 00:25:44,001
That's cool. I don't like labels, either.

434
00:25:44,084 --> 00:25:46,879
But I think he's asking,
do you have a hot dog or a bun?

435
00:25:48,756 --> 00:25:50,466
Do you have a wiener or vergiener?

436
00:25:51,258 --> 00:25:54,094
All is all to all.

437
00:25:56,096 --> 00:25:58,932
By the way, All just
married hermself, dude.

438
00:25:59,016 --> 00:26:00,934
Monomarriage is finally legal in Italy.

439
00:26:01,310 --> 00:26:02,853
I support that.

440
00:26:02,936 --> 00:26:04,605
Derek, that's pretty good, right?

441
00:26:08,108 --> 00:26:10,069
Uh, I'm sorry, are you not comfortable

442
00:26:10,152 --> 00:26:12,152
with people like All
in the workplace or something?

443
00:26:12,446 --> 00:26:14,239
No. Of course, I am.

444
00:26:14,323 --> 00:26:16,217
I mean, like, if your son or
whatever came to you and said,

445
00:26:16,241 --> 00:26:17,801
"Hey, Dad, I really want to marry All,"

446
00:26:17,826 --> 00:26:19,429
like, wouldn't you be so stoked for that?

447
00:26:19,453 --> 00:26:21,288
Isn't that, like, exactly what you want?

448
00:26:21,371 --> 00:26:23,123
Imagine All walking in, being like,

449
00:26:23,207 --> 00:26:24,958
"We'll finally be together."

450
00:26:25,042 --> 00:26:27,336
You'd be like hella stoked for that, right?

451
00:26:28,045 --> 00:26:29,213
Yeah.

452
00:26:29,713 --> 00:26:31,548
I'd be, like, totally stoked.

453
00:26:32,591 --> 00:26:34,593
All is done here. Atari.

454
00:26:35,219 --> 00:26:36,512
See you, fools.

455
00:26:36,595 --> 00:26:39,306
Guys, Alexanya Atoz is here!

456
00:26:39,389 --> 00:26:40,849
The show must begin now!

457
00:26:43,060 --> 00:26:45,813
Wow. Alexanya Atoz.

458
00:26:45,896 --> 00:26:48,899
They say she doesn't walk.
She just floats.

459
00:26:52,277 --> 00:26:54,154
She looks even better in person.

460
00:26:56,657 --> 00:26:58,742
(ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING)

461
00:27:02,996 --> 00:27:05,582
Ah, I got those juices flowing again.

462
00:27:10,838 --> 00:27:13,841
Just put us out there. Let us do our thing.

463
00:27:16,927 --> 00:27:18,011
Come on! Come on!

464
00:27:18,554 --> 00:27:21,348
Chop, chop! Lay down, lay down!

465
00:27:21,431 --> 00:27:23,809
Get in, get in. Take off your robes.

466
00:27:25,435 --> 00:27:27,104
Go! Go! Go!

467
00:27:28,856 --> 00:27:32,568
Derek! I have a really
good feeling about this.

468
00:27:32,943 --> 00:27:35,279
I know. I feel so alive!

469
00:27:35,863 --> 00:27:36,864
(RUMBLING)

470
00:27:39,867 --> 00:27:41,243
(SCARY ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING)

471
00:27:41,702 --> 00:27:43,245
- Oh!
- (GROANS)

472
00:27:44,913 --> 00:27:46,415
(CROWD GASPS)

473
00:27:47,166 --> 00:27:48,167
(GRUNTING)

474
00:27:54,798 --> 00:27:56,049
"Old"?

475
00:27:58,010 --> 00:27:59,344
"Lamé"?

476
00:28:03,056 --> 00:28:04,057
(ALL GASP)

477
00:28:07,352 --> 00:28:09,271
- Ha! Yah!
- (BOTH GROANING)

478
00:28:10,606 --> 00:28:12,524
(YELLING)

479
00:28:13,525 --> 00:28:14,651
Quit it, All!

480
00:28:14,735 --> 00:28:15,736
(GRUNTS)

481
00:28:15,819 --> 00:28:18,447
HANSEL: Hot dog!
It's definitely a hot dog!

482
00:28:18,906 --> 00:28:19,948
All is done.

483
00:28:28,665 --> 00:28:29,708
"Prunes"?

484
00:28:32,377 --> 00:28:33,712
(ALL GASP)

485
00:28:36,131 --> 00:28:38,258
(SCREAMING)

486
00:28:47,601 --> 00:28:49,436
So let me tell you what I think worked.

487
00:28:49,519 --> 00:28:52,064
I think we got to shake off
some of the rust.

488
00:28:52,147 --> 00:28:53,458
I was trying out a few new looks,

489
00:28:53,482 --> 00:28:54,792
although it might have been hard to see

490
00:28:54,816 --> 00:28:57,361
through all the dates, or,
was it, you know, prunes?

491
00:28:57,444 --> 00:28:59,404
Hansel, are you insane?

492
00:28:59,488 --> 00:29:00,948
We were a joke out there.

493
00:29:01,156 --> 00:29:02,324
A total laughing stick.

494
00:29:03,200 --> 00:29:04,928
What do you want me to say?
I mean, I know...

495
00:29:04,952 --> 00:29:06,203
I know we looked like idiots,

496
00:29:06,286 --> 00:29:07,639
but I'm trying to make the best of it!

497
00:29:07,663 --> 00:29:08,705
ALEXANYA: Knuck, knuck!

498
00:29:08,789 --> 00:29:09,998
Not now! We...

499
00:29:14,378 --> 00:29:15,712
You...

500
00:29:16,129 --> 00:29:17,464
...two...

501
00:29:17,714 --> 00:29:19,508
...vere amowzing.

502
00:29:20,801 --> 00:29:21,927
Deeryuck.

503
00:29:22,010 --> 00:29:24,680
Your fece so hundsome.

504
00:29:24,763 --> 00:29:27,182
Und, Hansel, so stemmy.

505
00:29:28,725 --> 00:29:31,853
Ridowkulously stemmy and hyot.

506
00:29:33,063 --> 00:29:35,649
I'm sorry. I can't understand
a word that you're saying.

507
00:29:36,483 --> 00:29:39,278
I want to invite you to be my gyuests

508
00:29:39,361 --> 00:29:43,490
at the most elite
fishion event in housetory.

509
00:29:44,700 --> 00:29:46,326
The IncrediBall.

510
00:29:47,160 --> 00:29:48,495
Oh, what!

511
00:29:49,204 --> 00:29:50,539
The IncrediBall?

512
00:29:50,664 --> 00:29:52,040
Is that like the Met Ball?

513
00:29:52,416 --> 00:29:53,875
(LAUGHS)

514
00:29:55,419 --> 00:29:58,088
No, sveet, stupid Deryuck.

515
00:29:58,755 --> 00:30:02,592
For the first time
in the housetory of fishion,

516
00:30:02,676 --> 00:30:06,221
all of the most important
designers will come together

517
00:30:06,305 --> 00:30:08,140
under one rureff.

518
00:30:09,182 --> 00:30:11,852
I trust you will be dere

519
00:30:12,269 --> 00:30:15,939
with your hyot and stemmy feces.

520
00:30:21,403 --> 00:30:23,447
Dudes. Holy Shazbot! What!

521
00:30:24,323 --> 00:30:26,867
You're guys are gonna be
the center-pizzle of IncrediBall!

522
00:30:26,950 --> 00:30:28,076
What does that mean?

523
00:30:28,577 --> 00:30:31,288
(INDISTINCTLY)
The center-pizzle of IncrediBall.

524
00:30:33,081 --> 00:30:35,083
That was bananas, Johnny.

525
00:30:39,087 --> 00:30:40,172
I'm done.

526
00:30:40,255 --> 00:30:42,299
What? Derek, what are you
talking about?

527
00:30:42,382 --> 00:30:43,609
Did you not hear what they just said?

528
00:30:43,633 --> 00:30:45,552
We're going to be the center
of the IncrediBall.

529
00:30:45,635 --> 00:30:48,597
I can only pray that nobody from
Child Services attended the show

530
00:30:48,680 --> 00:30:50,599
or I'll never get little Derek back.

531
00:30:51,058 --> 00:30:52,160
What about all the attention?

532
00:30:52,184 --> 00:30:54,102
This is exactly
what we were talking about!

533
00:30:54,644 --> 00:30:57,481
No, Hansel. It's exactly
what you were talking about.

534
00:30:57,856 --> 00:30:59,107
We don't fit in anymore.

535
00:30:59,191 --> 00:31:02,778
Don Atari and All
and that creepy little Vip!

536
00:31:02,861 --> 00:31:04,446
- I don't want any part of it!
- Derek.

537
00:31:05,364 --> 00:31:06,531
Derek!

538
00:31:07,240 --> 00:31:09,534
Derek! D-rock!

539
00:31:10,410 --> 00:31:12,287
(ENGINE THROTTLING)

540
00:31:14,289 --> 00:31:15,665
(TIRES SQUEALING)

541
00:31:34,643 --> 00:31:36,311
Derek Zoolander?

542
00:31:36,395 --> 00:31:37,562
Yes.

543
00:31:38,146 --> 00:31:39,898
Valentina Valencia.

544
00:31:39,981 --> 00:31:42,317
Interpol, Global Fashion Division.

545
00:31:42,401 --> 00:31:45,737
Fashion Police? We're clean, lady.
Go harass somebody else.

546
00:31:46,071 --> 00:31:48,323
Besides, I'm out of fashion.

547
00:31:48,865 --> 00:31:50,158
I need to talk to you.

548
00:31:51,159 --> 00:31:53,245
It has to do with
the death of Justin Bieber.

549
00:31:53,328 --> 00:31:55,163
His death is not my problem.

550
00:31:55,247 --> 00:31:59,000
Look, I'm trying to find out
who's killing the pop stars of the world.

551
00:31:59,084 --> 00:32:01,169
And I think you're my only chance.

552
00:32:02,087 --> 00:32:05,257
What part of "not my problem"
did you not understand?

553
00:32:05,340 --> 00:32:06,341
None of it.

554
00:32:08,969 --> 00:32:11,322
So you did understand
the part about it not being my problem,

555
00:32:11,346 --> 00:32:14,683
or you didn't understand any part of it
not being a part of my problem?

556
00:32:15,767 --> 00:32:17,018
No, no, no, Derek.

557
00:32:17,102 --> 00:32:19,705
I think what she's saying is that
she understands what you're saying,

558
00:32:19,729 --> 00:32:20,897
but she doesn't accept it.

559
00:32:20,981 --> 00:32:23,024
Hansel! It's all too confusing.

560
00:32:23,817 --> 00:32:25,735
I thought coming here
would help me find myself,

561
00:32:25,819 --> 00:32:27,612
and possibly my son.

562
00:32:27,696 --> 00:32:29,781
But this is more than I bargained for.

563
00:32:31,032 --> 00:32:34,494
This hermit crab
is crawling back into his planetarium.

564
00:32:36,288 --> 00:32:40,041
I can use the database at Interpol
to help you find your son.

565
00:32:42,711 --> 00:32:44,379
If you help me.

566
00:32:46,548 --> 00:32:48,300
I think we got to play ball with her.

567
00:32:48,383 --> 00:32:50,010
She's got some kind of database

568
00:32:50,093 --> 00:32:52,012
or something that she says

569
00:32:52,095 --> 00:32:53,763
will help us find little Derek.

570
00:32:57,684 --> 00:32:58,977
And she's hot.

571
00:32:59,060 --> 00:33:00,187
I trust her.

572
00:33:01,980 --> 00:33:03,940
(TIRES SQUEALING)

573
00:33:11,573 --> 00:33:13,116
(MOUTHING INAUDIBLY)

574
00:33:13,200 --> 00:33:15,076
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

575
00:33:28,590 --> 00:33:31,259
VALENTINA: So, before Bieber died,
he Twitpic'd this look.

576
00:33:31,927 --> 00:33:34,846
He posted it to the blogspot
for his summer concert tour.

577
00:33:35,597 --> 00:33:37,599
He was trying to send a message.

578
00:33:40,227 --> 00:33:42,229
It's Blue Steel, right?

579
00:33:43,939 --> 00:33:45,899
What are you, a fucking idiot?

580
00:33:47,984 --> 00:33:49,277
Yeah, that's Blue Steel.

581
00:33:49,402 --> 00:33:50,654
(LAUGHS)

582
00:33:50,737 --> 00:33:53,281
My question is,
is Interpol one of those socialist things

583
00:33:53,365 --> 00:33:55,617
where they hire
mentally-impaired people?

584
00:33:55,700 --> 00:33:57,619
- I... I know.
- (SCOFFING)

585
00:33:58,286 --> 00:33:59,454
That's right.

586
00:33:59,538 --> 00:34:01,081
I heard your mother worked here.

587
00:34:02,040 --> 00:34:03,792
(LAUGHS) Oh, snap!

588
00:34:04,334 --> 00:34:05,335
(HISSES)

589
00:34:06,503 --> 00:34:08,213
My mother doesn't work here.

590
00:34:09,923 --> 00:34:11,508
No more games, okay?

591
00:34:11,591 --> 00:34:13,593
Is this Blue Steel or not?

592
00:34:13,969 --> 00:34:15,303
Not even close.

593
00:34:15,804 --> 00:34:17,681
I knew what it was the moment I saw it.

594
00:34:18,181 --> 00:34:19,558
It's an old one... From the 90s.

595
00:34:19,641 --> 00:34:21,685
It was for a body lotion campaign I did.

596
00:34:22,102 --> 00:34:23,812
I called it "Aqua Vitae".

597
00:34:24,229 --> 00:34:25,230
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

598
00:34:26,356 --> 00:34:28,149
(KEYS CLACKING)

599
00:34:30,360 --> 00:34:32,153
{\an8}(MUSIC PLAYING)

600
00:35:05,020 --> 00:35:06,688
Young forever.

601
00:35:07,188 --> 00:35:09,357
Moo!

602
00:35:11,568 --> 00:35:13,862
(WOMAN READING)

603
00:35:14,738 --> 00:35:16,364
Still holds up.

604
00:35:17,198 --> 00:35:19,159
DEREK: Notice the curvature
of my right eyebrow.

605
00:35:19,242 --> 00:35:20,952
It's night and day from Blue Steel.

606
00:35:21,620 --> 00:35:22,662
He's right.

607
00:35:22,746 --> 00:35:26,583
When I overlay them, there are over
14,000 different facial anomalies.

608
00:35:26,958 --> 00:35:28,043
Wow.

609
00:35:28,126 --> 00:35:31,379
I had no idea there was
so much subtlety involved.

610
00:35:33,214 --> 00:35:35,550
Please accept my apologies, Derek.

611
00:35:35,842 --> 00:35:37,344
None taken.

612
00:35:46,186 --> 00:35:47,896
(SOFTLY) Whoa!

613
00:35:48,355 --> 00:35:51,232
Filippo, we need to find
everything there is on Aqua Vitae.

614
00:35:51,316 --> 00:35:52,400
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

615
00:35:54,277 --> 00:35:56,780
Hold on a second, lady. A deal's a deal.

616
00:35:57,989 --> 00:35:59,824
Now, you help me find my son.

617
00:35:59,949 --> 00:36:01,326
Sure.

618
00:36:01,409 --> 00:36:03,244
His name is Derek Jr.?

619
00:36:03,328 --> 00:36:04,329
Yes.

620
00:36:04,412 --> 00:36:06,247
Have you ever Facebooked him?

621
00:36:06,706 --> 00:36:09,376
No, thanks. Matilda facebooked...

622
00:36:09,876 --> 00:36:11,378
...and it killed her.

623
00:36:12,045 --> 00:36:13,046
Found him.

624
00:36:13,129 --> 00:36:15,882
He's at the Orphanage
Del Piccolo Cletusi.

625
00:36:17,384 --> 00:36:18,843
Here.

626
00:36:18,927 --> 00:36:19,928
In Rome.

627
00:36:20,595 --> 00:36:21,888
Wait. What?

628
00:36:22,764 --> 00:36:23,890
He's in Rome.

629
00:36:23,973 --> 00:36:27,102
That's convenient. So we can
hit that party at the IncrediBall.

630
00:36:27,769 --> 00:36:29,854
A little too convenient.

631
00:36:30,689 --> 00:36:32,857
Someone wants you here, guys.

632
00:36:32,941 --> 00:36:33,942
But who?

633
00:36:34,943 --> 00:36:35,944
Listen to me.

634
00:36:36,194 --> 00:36:37,821
(WHISPERS) Be careful
at the orphanage.

635
00:36:37,904 --> 00:36:39,989
And trust no one at House of Atoz.

636
00:36:40,740 --> 00:36:42,450
I'll see what I can find.

637
00:37:10,645 --> 00:37:13,732
Thanks for coming with me.
I feel kind of nervous.

638
00:37:13,815 --> 00:37:16,776
Hey. You're showing up. Feel good.

639
00:37:30,331 --> 00:37:31,374
That must be him.

640
00:37:31,458 --> 00:37:32,500
Where?

641
00:37:39,257 --> 00:37:41,801
He's even more gorgeous
than I imagined.

642
00:37:43,511 --> 00:37:45,513
You're a lucky man.

643
00:37:46,848 --> 00:37:48,183
You there. Boy.

644
00:37:50,435 --> 00:37:52,437
- What's his name?
- Who?

645
00:37:53,271 --> 00:37:54,272
Him?

646
00:37:54,355 --> 00:37:55,440
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

647
00:37:55,523 --> 00:37:57,192
That's Fabrizio.

648
00:37:57,567 --> 00:37:58,902
Fabrizio.

649
00:37:59,694 --> 00:38:01,404
What a beautiful name.

650
00:38:02,155 --> 00:38:04,365
He used to be called Derek Jr.

651
00:38:04,783 --> 00:38:07,368
Really? That's strange,
'cause that's my name.

652
00:38:09,746 --> 00:38:13,041
{\an8}(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

653
00:38:14,209 --> 00:38:15,335
(ALL LAUGHING)

654
00:38:15,877 --> 00:38:17,128
(GASPS)

655
00:38:17,420 --> 00:38:18,755
Bye, mister.

656
00:38:19,964 --> 00:38:21,257
- Let's go.
- What?

657
00:38:21,341 --> 00:38:22,801
- Let's go.
- Why?

658
00:38:22,884 --> 00:38:24,052
I can't do this.

659
00:38:24,135 --> 00:38:25,220
Why not?

660
00:38:25,303 --> 00:38:28,389
He's fat! The fat one is Derek Jr.

661
00:38:28,807 --> 00:38:31,142
No, that chubby kid's name is Fatlander.

662
00:38:31,226 --> 00:38:32,393
I heard them call him that.

663
00:38:32,477 --> 00:38:34,813
Don't you get it?
He switched the "Zoo" part with "Fat".

664
00:38:34,896 --> 00:38:37,899
That's how he came up with "Fatlander".
Fat equals Zoo!

665
00:38:38,233 --> 00:38:41,194
So wait. You're saying that
just because your son is fat

666
00:38:41,277 --> 00:38:43,696
that makes him some sort
of terrible person?

667
00:38:44,656 --> 00:38:46,074
(SIGHS) Maybe you're right.

668
00:38:46,157 --> 00:38:47,283
No, I'm asking.

669
00:38:47,367 --> 00:38:50,161
Does being fat
make someone a terrible person?

670
00:38:50,245 --> 00:38:51,287
And I'm agreeing with you.

671
00:38:51,371 --> 00:38:54,707
I seriously think my fat son
might be a terrible person.

672
00:38:58,253 --> 00:39:00,147
And it doesn't make him
a good person, I know that.

673
00:39:00,171 --> 00:39:01,331
But I don't know what to say.

674
00:39:01,381 --> 00:39:03,424
I think you better puddle-talk it out.

675
00:39:06,052 --> 00:39:07,095
(SIGHS)

676
00:39:16,354 --> 00:39:18,648
So I guess I have a lot to ponder.

677
00:39:19,858 --> 00:39:21,401
You sure do.

678
00:39:21,484 --> 00:39:23,820
WOMAN: Derek.

679
00:39:24,320 --> 00:39:26,197
What? Who's that?

680
00:39:26,281 --> 00:39:27,574
I don't know. It wasn't me.

681
00:39:28,324 --> 00:39:29,826
WOMAN: Derek.

682
00:39:30,159 --> 00:39:31,953
Derek.

683
00:39:32,954 --> 00:39:35,623
Ghost of Matilda? Is that really you?

684
00:39:35,957 --> 00:39:37,333
Yes, Derek.

685
00:39:37,417 --> 00:39:41,838
I'm sorry I haven't
been in touch, but I've just been so dead.

686
00:39:42,338 --> 00:39:43,339
Listen.

687
00:39:43,798 --> 00:39:45,925
You must love our son.

688
00:39:46,217 --> 00:39:47,969
He needs you.

689
00:39:48,386 --> 00:39:51,139
But beware of the Headmaster.

690
00:39:52,056 --> 00:39:53,391
What's happening to you?

691
00:39:53,725 --> 00:39:55,560
Love our son.

692
00:39:56,060 --> 00:39:59,147
- Ew!
- And beware the Headmaster.

693
00:39:59,230 --> 00:40:00,231
(SCREAMS)

694
00:40:00,732 --> 00:40:01,900
Hello.

695
00:40:01,983 --> 00:40:02,984
(SCREAMS)

696
00:40:03,234 --> 00:40:04,569
I'm the Headmaster.

697
00:40:05,194 --> 00:40:07,196
Derek Zoolander...

698
00:40:07,739 --> 00:40:09,240
...I'm assuming.

699
00:40:09,324 --> 00:40:11,993
Because I've never met you ever.

700
00:40:12,744 --> 00:40:16,247
Mr. Hansel informs me
that you'd like to see your son.

701
00:40:16,831 --> 00:40:19,083
Easily arranged. Come.

702
00:40:23,546 --> 00:40:27,216
I should tell you,
your son is incredibly gifted.

703
00:40:27,717 --> 00:40:29,427
- (PHONE RINGS)
- Hello.

704
00:40:29,510 --> 00:40:32,347
DISTORTED VOICE: <i>If you want
to find the Spirits in the Material World,</i>

705
00:40:32,430 --> 00:40:35,558
<i>you need to talk
to the Ghost in the Machine.</i>

706
00:40:35,642 --> 00:40:37,143
What? Who is this?

707
00:40:37,226 --> 00:40:39,354
<i>I have a Message in a Bottle for you,</i>

708
00:40:39,437 --> 00:40:42,231
<i>so don't go to The Police.</i>

709
00:40:42,857 --> 00:40:46,861
Okay, don't go to the police
'cause there's a message in a bottle.

710
00:40:46,945 --> 00:40:48,947
(CHUCKLES) Okay, I got it.

711
00:40:49,405 --> 00:40:51,908
Now go prank call someone else, idiot.

712
00:40:52,367 --> 00:40:53,868
Here they are now.

713
00:41:00,083 --> 00:41:02,085
Hey, there, sport.

714
00:41:03,336 --> 00:41:05,630
I hear someone's a fat little smartypants.

715
00:41:09,425 --> 00:41:11,010
I'll leave you to it, then.

716
00:41:11,886 --> 00:41:13,137
I'm gonna let you two catch up

717
00:41:13,221 --> 00:41:15,098
and maybe hit the spa back at the Caca.

718
00:41:17,976 --> 00:41:20,979
Look, I know you have
a lot of unresolved feelings,

719
00:41:21,062 --> 00:41:22,438
but I'm still your father.

720
00:41:22,897 --> 00:41:25,650
You're not my father. You weren't there.

721
00:41:25,733 --> 00:41:29,195
That wasn't my choice.
I was there when you were little.

722
00:41:29,278 --> 00:41:31,781
Most kids play catch with their father.

723
00:41:32,240 --> 00:41:34,784
They don't go with them
to a thong shoot.

724
00:41:35,368 --> 00:41:37,128
There are lots of
starving children in Africa

725
00:41:37,203 --> 00:41:39,372
who would die to go to a thong shoot.

726
00:41:39,747 --> 00:41:40,748
What?

727
00:41:41,499 --> 00:41:43,209
Look, let me make it up to you.

728
00:41:43,292 --> 00:41:44,961
Let's go play ball-catching now.

729
00:41:45,294 --> 00:41:46,504
Ball-catching?

730
00:41:46,587 --> 00:41:48,881
So how's the family reunion going?

731
00:41:49,549 --> 00:41:51,342
Great. I'd like to check him out

732
00:41:51,426 --> 00:41:53,177
for a few hours, if that's okay.

733
00:41:53,261 --> 00:41:56,431
Sure. As long as he's back by sundown.

734
00:41:57,765 --> 00:41:59,434
He seems like a nice guy.

735
00:41:59,809 --> 00:42:01,477
You seem like an idiot.

736
00:42:02,562 --> 00:42:04,981
Okay, I think I know
what would help right now.

737
00:42:05,440 --> 00:42:06,441
What?

738
00:42:07,483 --> 00:42:09,819
Frozen <i>chocolata gelato!</i>

739
00:42:12,280 --> 00:42:14,115
(POP MUSIC PLAYING)

740
00:42:22,123 --> 00:42:23,207
<i>Ciao!</i>

741
00:42:30,214 --> 00:42:32,341
(BOTH SCREAMING)

742
00:42:38,014 --> 00:42:39,891
DEREK JR.: (CRYING) Oh, my God!

743
00:42:47,148 --> 00:42:48,608
(EXHALES)

744
00:42:50,651 --> 00:42:52,487
Hashtag, oops.

745
00:42:55,156 --> 00:42:58,951
You know, sometimes it takes an
extremely traumatic experience

746
00:42:59,035 --> 00:43:01,287
to make you appreciate
a good makeover.

747
00:43:01,370 --> 00:43:02,747
Am I right?

748
00:43:04,457 --> 00:43:05,625
Derek?

749
00:43:08,086 --> 00:43:09,629
Derek Jr.!

750
00:43:16,010 --> 00:43:18,387
{\an8}- Are you mentally insane?
- What?

751
00:43:18,471 --> 00:43:21,641
What are you reading? <i>I Am Malalalala?</i>

752
00:43:21,974 --> 00:43:24,060
No books! Think of your mother.

753
00:43:25,478 --> 00:43:28,022
What's the big deal?
Mom read tons of books.

754
00:43:28,356 --> 00:43:30,733
And a one-ton book killed her.

755
00:43:31,692 --> 00:43:34,112
The book didn't kill Mom. You did.

756
00:43:34,403 --> 00:43:36,364
And you nearly killed me, too.

757
00:43:37,198 --> 00:43:40,535
Come on. Look at us.
We look ridiculous.

758
00:43:40,952 --> 00:43:43,162
What, okay,
maybe your pants are a little loose.

759
00:43:43,246 --> 00:43:45,081
- Are you serious right now?
- What?

760
00:43:45,414 --> 00:43:48,167
I don't want to be anything like you!

761
00:43:48,251 --> 00:43:49,377
You're a has-been!

762
00:43:50,002 --> 00:43:52,672
And you are the most narcissistic,

763
00:43:52,797 --> 00:43:55,466
self-involved person I've ever met!

764
00:43:56,467 --> 00:43:58,469
But that's not how I think of me.

765
00:43:59,303 --> 00:44:00,638
I'm going back to school.

766
00:44:01,848 --> 00:44:03,975
Little Derek, come back here!

767
00:44:04,058 --> 00:44:06,227
I thought we were gonna
give each other facials!

768
00:44:06,310 --> 00:44:07,895
- (WHISTLES)
- (ENGINE RUNNING)

769
00:44:08,229 --> 00:44:10,815
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

770
00:44:12,775 --> 00:44:13,776
Wait.

771
00:44:15,069 --> 00:44:16,737
How did you learn to speak Italian?

772
00:44:16,821 --> 00:44:18,072
Because I'm smart!

773
00:44:19,407 --> 00:44:21,200
Mom was smart, too.

774
00:44:21,284 --> 00:44:23,411
The only stupid thing she ever did

775
00:44:23,494 --> 00:44:25,079
was fall in love with you.

776
00:44:26,581 --> 00:44:30,042
I don't even have the words
to express what a burn that is.

777
00:44:31,627 --> 00:44:33,754
(SIGHS) I don't know what to say.

778
00:44:34,422 --> 00:44:37,466
No, I mean I literally
don't have the vocabulary to respond.

779
00:44:37,800 --> 00:44:40,136
You're like a walking Tyrannosaurus.

780
00:44:40,887 --> 00:44:43,222
You mean "walking thesaurus".

781
00:44:44,390 --> 00:44:45,808
I don't know.

782
00:44:46,851 --> 00:44:50,104
I guess it's nice
that you want to reconnect or whatever.

783
00:44:50,188 --> 00:44:51,689
But we're too different.

784
00:44:51,772 --> 00:44:53,191
And it's too late.

785
00:44:54,942 --> 00:44:56,569
Thanks for the gelato.

786
00:45:01,199 --> 00:45:02,575
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

787
00:45:15,004 --> 00:45:16,339
Orgy.

788
00:45:19,091 --> 00:45:21,177
{\an8}WOMAN: Hi there, Hansel.

789
00:45:28,351 --> 00:45:30,853
I heard you

790
00:45:31,437 --> 00:45:32,855
are on the rebound.

791
00:45:32,939 --> 00:45:35,608
No, no. I'm still... Still committed.

792
00:45:35,691 --> 00:45:38,194
We're just taking a little time
to kind of...

793
00:45:38,736 --> 00:45:41,739
Doesn't mean we can't enjoy
each other's bodies.

794
00:45:42,156 --> 00:45:44,033
(WHISPERS) Oh, damn it.

795
00:45:44,992 --> 00:45:46,327
MAN: Hansel.

796
00:45:47,161 --> 00:45:50,831
Meaningless sex always makes me
feel better about myself.

797
00:45:54,210 --> 00:45:55,878
Come on.

798
00:46:01,842 --> 00:46:03,177
Ooh.

799
00:46:04,637 --> 00:46:06,847
(EXHALES AND SIGHS)

800
00:46:16,107 --> 00:46:17,775
(POUNDING)

801
00:46:17,900 --> 00:46:19,110
(SHUSHING)

802
00:46:19,235 --> 00:46:20,403
KIEFER: Hansel!

803
00:46:20,528 --> 00:46:21,737
(POUNDING)

804
00:46:21,821 --> 00:46:22,989
We know you're in there!

805
00:46:23,072 --> 00:46:24,156
Stay here. Stay here.

806
00:46:25,324 --> 00:46:27,868
Hansel, let us in! We want to apologize!

807
00:46:28,953 --> 00:46:31,247
Come back to the pigpile, Hansel.

808
00:46:31,330 --> 00:46:34,792
Touch-a, touch-a, touch me.
I want to be dirty.

809
00:46:34,875 --> 00:46:36,961
That's it. I've had enough.
Everybody, back up.

810
00:46:37,044 --> 00:46:39,046
Back! Back!

811
00:46:39,213 --> 00:46:40,214
(YELLS)

812
00:46:43,217 --> 00:46:44,719
Hello! Hello!

813
00:46:44,802 --> 00:46:45,803
Ah.

814
00:46:46,053 --> 00:46:47,263
My gosh.

815
00:46:47,346 --> 00:46:49,348
God... Ow!

816
00:46:51,350 --> 00:46:52,810
(CLUCKING)

817
00:46:55,730 --> 00:46:57,481
(GRUNTING)

818
00:47:01,360 --> 00:47:02,528
Oh, Hansel.

819
00:47:02,778 --> 00:47:05,156
Okay. You guys have a talk.
I'm going to a bar.

820
00:47:05,239 --> 00:47:07,116
That's a good idea. Yeah, go.

821
00:47:07,199 --> 00:47:08,409
Hey...

822
00:47:08,617 --> 00:47:10,494
You are a basic bitch.

823
00:47:11,412 --> 00:47:14,415
Come on, let's go. Come on. Out.

824
00:47:14,790 --> 00:47:16,167
I can kill you.

825
00:47:18,627 --> 00:47:20,755
Please. Let me just explain.

826
00:47:20,838 --> 00:47:23,758
Guys, you didn't
even give me a chance to explain!

827
00:47:24,133 --> 00:47:26,844
Hansel, how can you expect
to love 11 people

828
00:47:27,428 --> 00:47:29,555
when you don't even love yourself?

829
00:47:32,975 --> 00:47:34,977
I hope they were worth it.

830
00:47:36,354 --> 00:47:37,772
That's not fair.

831
00:47:38,022 --> 00:47:39,273
Kiefer!

832
00:47:39,857 --> 00:47:41,192
Kiefer!

833
00:47:41,275 --> 00:47:42,526
(TOILET FLUSHING)

834
00:47:44,904 --> 00:47:48,115
Hey, where did everybody go?
I wasn't done with that hippo.

835
00:47:48,616 --> 00:47:49,784
(GROANS)

836
00:47:52,036 --> 00:47:53,454
(PANTING)

837
00:47:53,704 --> 00:47:56,040
Who am I?

838
00:47:58,626 --> 00:48:00,127
DEREK: Who am I?

839
00:48:03,172 --> 00:48:05,216
- Derek?
- Hey, Hansel.

840
00:48:05,299 --> 00:48:07,426
Are you trying to figure out
who you are, also?

841
00:48:07,510 --> 00:48:08,594
Yep.

842
00:48:09,470 --> 00:48:12,848
<i>Who am I?</i>

843
00:48:14,475 --> 00:48:15,810
DEREK: Hey, Katy!

844
00:48:16,143 --> 00:48:19,730
Yeah, it's like,
when will we find out who we really are?

845
00:48:20,106 --> 00:48:21,148
I know, right?

846
00:48:21,440 --> 00:48:22,775
Who am I?

847
00:48:23,401 --> 00:48:25,444
Neil deGrasse Tyson.

848
00:48:25,528 --> 00:48:27,071
Even you don't know who you are?

849
00:48:27,655 --> 00:48:29,615
In an ever-expanding universe,

850
00:48:29,698 --> 00:48:33,035
slowly pulling itself apart
into nothingness,

851
00:48:33,494 --> 00:48:37,998
what use does the question
"Who am I?" even have?

852
00:48:39,166 --> 00:48:43,129
Neil, I got to say,
you're totally blowing my mind right now.

853
00:48:43,671 --> 00:48:45,172
That's what I do.

854
00:48:45,256 --> 00:48:48,050
I'm Neil deGrasse Tyson, bitch.

855
00:48:48,467 --> 00:48:49,468
Whoo!

856
00:48:49,760 --> 00:48:53,013
Hansel! Derek!
You have to come to Interpol!

857
00:48:53,139 --> 00:48:54,807
I have incredible news!

858
00:48:55,349 --> 00:48:58,185
VALENTINA: We did
a full diagnostic on your Aqua Vitae look,

859
00:48:58,269 --> 00:49:00,646
and a linguistics analysis
on its etymology.

860
00:49:01,105 --> 00:49:03,566
The direct translation is "Water of Life."

861
00:49:03,649 --> 00:49:06,277
But many have
interpreted it another way.

862
00:49:07,903 --> 00:49:09,864
"The Fountain of Youth".

863
00:49:10,698 --> 00:49:13,033
Okay, look, I only
worked there for a summer.

864
00:49:13,117 --> 00:49:15,703
And, no, they don't give happy endings.

865
00:49:15,953 --> 00:49:18,831
No, Derek. The actual Fountain of Youth.

866
00:49:20,583 --> 00:49:25,296
Can you imagine if the Fountain of
Youth indeed does exist...

867
00:49:26,046 --> 00:49:29,717
And if Alexanya Atoz
could market such a liquid...

868
00:49:30,551 --> 00:49:32,344
<i>Do you ever get that feeling</i>

869
00:49:32,428 --> 00:49:36,182
<i>when you see
beautiful teenager girl with perfect skin</i>

870
00:49:36,265 --> 00:49:39,602
<i>and you want to kill her
and take her skin</i>

871
00:49:39,727 --> 00:49:41,604
<i>and put it on your skin?</i>

872
00:49:41,687 --> 00:49:43,522
<i>We bottled that feeling.</i>

873
00:49:43,606 --> 00:49:46,233
<i>House of Atoz Yowth Milk.</i>

874
00:49:47,234 --> 00:49:48,903
...she would make billions.

875
00:49:49,570 --> 00:49:50,571
(PHONE RINGING)

876
00:49:50,905 --> 00:49:51,989
(SOFTLY) Excuse me.

877
00:49:54,325 --> 00:49:55,326
Orgy?

878
00:49:55,409 --> 00:49:57,089
DISTORTED VOICE:
<i>You are in serious danger.</i>

879
00:49:57,870 --> 00:49:59,997
<i>Don't Stand So Close To Me.</i>

880
00:50:00,122 --> 00:50:02,291
Come on. It's this prank caller again.

881
00:50:02,458 --> 00:50:03,834
- Put it on speaker.
- What... Why?

882
00:50:03,918 --> 00:50:05,586
Just put it on speaker!

883
00:50:06,128 --> 00:50:07,338
Who is this?

884
00:50:07,546 --> 00:50:09,507
<i>I am your King of Pain.</i>

885
00:50:09,924 --> 00:50:13,427
Every breath this guy takes, I'm like,
"What are you talking about?"

886
00:50:14,011 --> 00:50:15,012
<i>Oh, Jesus.</i>

887
00:50:15,095 --> 00:50:17,765
<i>Just meet me
at Saint Peter's Basilica at midnight.</i>

888
00:50:20,059 --> 00:50:21,852
Sounds like this guy's really into Sting.

889
00:50:23,103 --> 00:50:24,939
I model my life after Sting.

890
00:50:25,397 --> 00:50:27,983
And Bieber was killed
in front of Sting's villa.

891
00:50:29,109 --> 00:50:30,277
What?

892
00:50:35,908 --> 00:50:37,785
(CHANTING)

893
00:51:15,447 --> 00:51:16,675
(WHISPERING) Forgive me, Father.

894
00:51:16,699 --> 00:51:18,784
I have many sins
that I would like to confess.

895
00:51:19,952 --> 00:51:22,997
One of my sins has to do with
the death of Justin Bieber.

896
00:51:32,131 --> 00:51:33,382
No way.

897
00:51:34,675 --> 00:51:35,843
Hey, Derek.

898
00:51:36,302 --> 00:51:37,428
Hey, Sting.

899
00:51:38,178 --> 00:51:40,180
And hello, sweet Hansel.

900
00:51:40,931 --> 00:51:42,266
Hi.

901
00:51:42,850 --> 00:51:44,351
You two know each other?

902
00:51:44,977 --> 00:51:46,604
Sadly, we've never met.

903
00:51:46,770 --> 00:51:48,939
And yet I feel like I've known you...

904
00:51:49,398 --> 00:51:51,567
BOTH: ...my entire life.

905
00:51:53,819 --> 00:51:55,029
STING: Tell me.

906
00:51:55,821 --> 00:51:57,948
Have you heard of
the Fountain of Youth?

907
00:51:58,365 --> 00:52:01,827
Yes. Why does everybody
keep asking me that?

908
00:52:02,036 --> 00:52:04,830
No, Derek, not the hand job
joint you worked at in SoHo.

909
00:52:04,913 --> 00:52:06,373
The real Fountain of Youth.

910
00:52:07,291 --> 00:52:10,210
It dates back some 6,000 years.

911
00:52:10,711 --> 00:52:15,424
Its original location is thought to have
been the Garden of Eden.

912
00:52:16,091 --> 00:52:20,262
You mean the Turkish bathhouse
I used to work at in Tribeca?

913
00:52:21,972 --> 00:52:24,975
No, Derek. The Garden of Eden.

914
00:52:26,894 --> 00:52:29,396
<i>The birthplace of Adam and Eve</i>

915
00:52:30,522 --> 00:52:32,191
<i>and Steve.</i>

916
00:52:35,152 --> 00:52:37,071
Steve? Who's Steve?

917
00:52:38,238 --> 00:52:40,491
Steve is the original supermodel.

918
00:52:40,574 --> 00:52:42,326
The first of the purebloods.

919
00:52:42,576 --> 00:52:44,370
He was said to be so beautiful,

920
00:52:44,453 --> 00:52:46,080
with a look so powerful...

921
00:52:46,246 --> 00:52:48,457
<i>...that even
the pools of water he gazed upon</i>

922
00:52:48,666 --> 00:52:50,376
<i>could not reflect his beauty back to him.</i>

923
00:52:52,211 --> 00:52:53,212
<i>That look...</i>

924
00:52:53,921 --> 00:52:57,257
That look was called <i>"El Niño".</i>

925
00:52:58,634 --> 00:53:02,054
But, honestly, I've never heard of Steve.

926
00:53:02,805 --> 00:53:04,640
Countless lives throughout history

927
00:53:04,807 --> 00:53:06,266
have been lost to make sure of that.

928
00:53:06,934 --> 00:53:11,021
Evil forces have hunted
his offspring for centuries.

929
00:53:12,439 --> 00:53:14,274
<i>For the legend states</i>

930
00:53:14,441 --> 00:53:16,985
<i>that if you wrench the still-beating heart</i>

931
00:53:17,111 --> 00:53:20,322
<i>from the gorgeous body
of a true descendent of Steve</i>

932
00:53:20,406 --> 00:53:22,282
<i>and drink its blood,</i>

933
00:53:22,366 --> 00:53:25,703
<i>you will obtain eternal beauty.</i>

934
00:53:27,204 --> 00:53:29,915
So the Fountain of Youth
is not a fountain at all.

935
00:53:30,624 --> 00:53:32,126
The Fountain of Youth is...

936
00:53:32,209 --> 00:53:33,252
A person.

937
00:53:33,335 --> 00:53:34,628
And not just anyone.

938
00:53:35,212 --> 00:53:37,172
A direct descendent of Steve.

939
00:53:37,631 --> 00:53:38,799
The Chosen One.

940
00:53:39,633 --> 00:53:41,093
How do you know all this?

941
00:53:41,260 --> 00:53:45,305
Because I, and many rock stars
like me, are his protectors.

942
00:53:46,473 --> 00:53:48,183
You see, there are only a few genes

943
00:53:48,308 --> 00:53:52,646
that separate the greatest rock
stars in history from male models.

944
00:53:52,813 --> 00:53:54,690
Which genes are those?

945
00:53:54,898 --> 00:53:57,317
The ones for talent and intelligence.

946
00:53:57,651 --> 00:53:58,861
Of course.

947
00:53:59,194 --> 00:54:01,739
We were entrusted
to protect the Chosen Ones.

948
00:54:02,740 --> 00:54:04,241
But who is the Chosen One?

949
00:54:04,491 --> 00:54:07,202
We believe it is your son.

950
00:54:08,370 --> 00:54:10,372
And that he is in grave danger.

951
00:54:11,457 --> 00:54:12,577
But he's back at the school!

952
00:54:12,624 --> 00:54:14,978
We have to get to him before something
terrible happens to him!

953
00:54:15,002 --> 00:54:18,172
No. Wait. Hansel. Look into my eyes.

954
00:54:19,548 --> 00:54:21,508
Is there anything you want to ask me?

955
00:54:21,592 --> 00:54:23,093
Anything at all?

956
00:54:25,721 --> 00:54:28,390
Do you really have sex for ten hours?

957
00:54:29,641 --> 00:54:30,809
(SIGHS)

958
00:54:30,893 --> 00:54:32,019
No comment.

959
00:54:32,644 --> 00:54:33,896
(WHISPERS) Fifteen.

960
00:54:36,523 --> 00:54:38,025
Farewell, my handsome boy.

961
00:54:38,442 --> 00:54:40,903
- Farewell.
- Good-bye, Sting.

962
00:54:44,656 --> 00:54:45,866
(SIRENS BLARING)

963
00:54:54,792 --> 00:54:56,376
(SPEAKING ITALIAN) Bolt cutters!

964
00:55:07,012 --> 00:55:08,680
He's gone!

965
00:55:10,724 --> 00:55:13,060
HANSEL: It's like no one was ever here.

966
00:55:15,395 --> 00:55:16,480
It was a wig.

967
00:55:16,563 --> 00:55:17,648
What?

968
00:55:17,731 --> 00:55:19,650
It was a wig the whole time.

969
00:55:19,733 --> 00:55:20,901
That was a wig?

970
00:55:21,235 --> 00:55:24,071
That Headmaster
wasn't a good guy at all!

971
00:55:24,154 --> 00:55:25,155
No!

972
00:55:25,656 --> 00:55:28,700
No! No! No!

973
00:55:28,784 --> 00:55:29,993
Derek!

974
00:55:30,077 --> 00:55:31,620
Derek, relax!

975
00:55:34,998 --> 00:55:36,416
(HEAVY BREATHING)

976
00:55:37,876 --> 00:55:39,211
Don't do it.

977
00:55:40,045 --> 00:55:42,047
When you want to go to it.

978
00:55:44,842 --> 00:55:46,927
(SIREN WAILING)

979
00:55:48,929 --> 00:55:50,055
- Filippo.
<i>- Si.</i>

980
00:55:50,138 --> 00:55:51,849
I need you to pull up everything you have

981
00:55:51,932 --> 00:55:54,142
on the man who was arrested
back in 2001

982
00:55:54,226 --> 00:55:55,602
for brainwashing Zoolander.

983
00:55:55,769 --> 00:55:57,437
Facial scans to be cross-referenced

984
00:55:57,521 --> 00:56:00,232
with security footage
of the headmaster of the orphanage.

985
00:56:01,942 --> 00:56:03,110
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

986
00:56:03,569 --> 00:56:05,571
<i>It's a positive I.D.</i>

987
00:56:06,655 --> 00:56:09,283
{\an8}<i>The Headmaster
didn't have a name or papers.</i>

988
00:56:09,491 --> 00:56:10,576
{\an8}Oh, my God.

989
00:56:10,659 --> 00:56:12,494
{\an8}It's the evil breakdancing DJ.

990
00:56:12,744 --> 00:56:16,415
{\an8}<i>He was arrested with Mugatu
and his accomplice back in 2001.</i>

991
00:56:17,207 --> 00:56:19,877
(GASPS) It's Katinka
Ingaborgovinananananana.

992
00:56:20,210 --> 00:56:21,253
Where are they now?

993
00:56:21,336 --> 00:56:23,964
<i>Ingaborgovinanananana
disappeared off the grid.</i>

994
00:56:24,339 --> 00:56:26,800
<i>It looks like the Evil DJ
came through the Swiss border</i>

995
00:56:26,884 --> 00:56:29,553
<i>with forged papers
about three weeks ago.</i>

996
00:56:30,345 --> 00:56:32,180
<i>I suppose they could have...</i>

997
00:56:32,598 --> 00:56:35,434
Driven to Rome
and kidnapped Derek's son.

998
00:56:35,642 --> 00:56:36,685
<i>Exactly!</i>

999
00:56:36,810 --> 00:56:39,771
Which means the person
behind all of this is...

1000
00:56:49,156 --> 00:56:50,490
Who?

1001
00:56:52,743 --> 00:56:53,994
Who?

1002
00:56:54,620 --> 00:56:56,288
Who are we talking about?

1003
00:57:08,926 --> 00:57:10,677
{\an8}VALENTINA: <i>Mugatu's in there.</i>

1004
00:57:11,511 --> 00:57:13,388
For ten years,
there has only been one name

1005
00:57:13,472 --> 00:57:16,141
on the list of visitors that he will allow.

1006
00:57:18,852 --> 00:57:20,187
Thank you.

1007
00:57:21,605 --> 00:57:22,689
For what?

1008
00:57:23,023 --> 00:57:24,358
For helping us.

1009
00:57:28,111 --> 00:57:31,740
When I was a little girl
growing up in Albacete,

1010
00:57:31,865 --> 00:57:36,036
my room was covered
in pictures of Derek Zoolander.

1011
00:57:38,538 --> 00:57:41,750
The most amazing model alive.

1012
00:57:45,087 --> 00:57:47,255
Except I'm not one anymore.

1013
00:57:48,131 --> 00:57:50,092
My son called me a has-been.

1014
00:57:52,511 --> 00:57:54,012
I'm a has-been.

1015
00:57:55,472 --> 00:57:57,099
What kind of has-been were you?

1016
00:58:01,687 --> 00:58:03,730
I was a swimsuit model.

1017
00:58:04,272 --> 00:58:06,191
- I'm so sorry.
- My heart goes out to you.

1018
00:58:07,317 --> 00:58:11,822
I was never able
to transition to print or runway.

1019
00:58:12,531 --> 00:58:14,866
To your world of high fashion.

1020
00:58:15,742 --> 00:58:17,244
Because of these.

1021
00:58:18,412 --> 00:58:22,624
These intrusive, oversized naturals.

1022
00:58:23,250 --> 00:58:24,418
(SIGHS)

1023
00:58:25,085 --> 00:58:28,463
These things could never fit
into a sample size.

1024
00:58:29,631 --> 00:58:30,966
Gross.

1025
00:58:36,430 --> 00:58:38,265
(WHISPERING)
You need to go for this now...

1026
00:58:38,390 --> 00:58:40,100
Not later. Now.

1027
00:58:40,475 --> 00:58:42,102
- Hansel, are you serious?
- Yes.

1028
00:58:42,227 --> 00:58:44,062
While Matilda lies warm in her grave?

1029
00:58:44,563 --> 00:58:47,441
Matilda's been dead for years.
You need to move on.

1030
00:58:47,524 --> 00:58:50,193
Honestly, by now
she's just a couple of teeth.

1031
00:58:50,277 --> 00:58:51,486
A piece of spine.

1032
00:58:51,570 --> 00:58:55,198
Maybe a little skull fragment,
like that guy from <i>Tales from the Crypt.</i>

1033
00:58:55,282 --> 00:58:56,992
The Crypt Keeper. (GRUNTING)

1034
00:58:57,159 --> 00:58:59,953
Hansel, stop it! I'm not ready.

1035
00:59:17,095 --> 00:59:20,974
VALENTINA: The world's most
notorious fashion criminals are in there.

1036
00:59:21,975 --> 00:59:26,021
Be careful, Derek.
He'll try to get inside your head.

1037
00:59:26,146 --> 00:59:29,816
Don't worry. It's closed for business.

1038
00:59:37,407 --> 00:59:39,409
Give 'em hell, Derek.

1039
00:59:53,673 --> 00:59:54,966
(CACKLING)

1040
00:59:55,550 --> 00:59:57,110
MC HAMMER:
You're goin' down, Zoolander!

1041
00:59:57,135 --> 00:59:58,470
You're goin' down, listen to me!

1042
00:59:58,553 --> 01:00:01,807
You better listen to the Hammer!
Can't touch this!

1043
01:00:02,015 --> 01:00:05,852
No! No! Zoolander
can't touch Mugatu! No!

1044
01:00:06,728 --> 01:00:08,563
SKIP TAYLOR: Shut up, Hammer!

1045
01:00:09,314 --> 01:00:12,692
Members Only. Members Only.

1046
01:00:13,527 --> 01:00:15,987
Epaulettes are not a crime.

1047
01:00:16,530 --> 01:00:19,533
Smart casual. Smart casual.

1048
01:00:19,950 --> 01:00:21,535
MC HAMMER: You can't touch him!

1049
01:00:21,827 --> 01:00:24,830
SKIP TAYLOR: Mr. Hammer is wrong!

1050
01:00:49,146 --> 01:00:52,065
Derek Zoolander.

1051
01:00:54,651 --> 01:00:56,653
I've been expecting you.

1052
01:01:03,160 --> 01:01:05,245
What have you done with my son?

1053
01:01:06,371 --> 01:01:07,873
Hands.

1054
01:01:08,123 --> 01:01:10,584
Our most overrated appendage.

1055
01:01:11,751 --> 01:01:14,212
When not allowed the use of them,

1056
01:01:14,296 --> 01:01:15,630
you'd be surprised how quickly

1057
01:01:15,797 --> 01:01:18,383
feet can be trained to do
the exact same thing.

1058
01:01:19,968 --> 01:01:21,428
(CLATTERING)

1059
01:01:27,893 --> 01:01:30,729
Your son is doing wonderfully.

1060
01:01:31,813 --> 01:01:35,317
From what the school tells
my offshore accountant...

1061
01:01:35,525 --> 01:01:37,360
He's incredibly smart.

1062
01:01:37,819 --> 01:01:39,529
Your accountant?

1063
01:01:39,613 --> 01:01:42,490
Who do you think paid
for that fancy orphanage?

1064
01:01:42,574 --> 01:01:43,801
When he was taken away from you,

1065
01:01:43,825 --> 01:01:46,745
someone had to make sure
he got his eight square meals a day.

1066
01:01:47,120 --> 01:01:49,789
Eight? You bastard!

1067
01:01:54,628 --> 01:01:57,631
I'm sorry. I'd love
to keep talking about this,

1068
01:01:57,881 --> 01:02:00,467
but I seem to have developed
a nasty itch.

1069
01:02:02,719 --> 01:02:04,179
I'd ask you to scratch it for me,

1070
01:02:04,346 --> 01:02:07,807
but no doubt you'd think
I was just trying to trick you.

1071
01:02:12,145 --> 01:02:15,815
Or you're trying to make me
think I shouldn't help you.

1072
01:02:16,107 --> 01:02:21,738
In which case, I should do the
opposite of that and help you.

1073
01:02:22,656 --> 01:02:24,574
Or don't help me.

1074
01:02:24,658 --> 01:02:26,785
I think that's even a better option.

1075
01:02:29,829 --> 01:02:32,958
You're trying to switch it around on
me, but I won't take the bait.

1076
01:02:33,708 --> 01:02:35,210
Sorry, Mugatu.

1077
01:02:35,293 --> 01:02:36,878
I'm going with my first instinct.

1078
01:02:37,003 --> 01:02:38,255
And helping you.

1079
01:02:42,217 --> 01:02:43,885
I really wish you wouldn't.

1080
01:02:44,010 --> 01:02:46,846
Too late. The die is cast.

1081
01:02:46,930 --> 01:02:48,265
I'd prefer that you didn't.

1082
01:02:48,348 --> 01:02:49,557
I'm going to do it.

1083
01:02:49,641 --> 01:02:50,892
Please don't.

1084
01:02:52,769 --> 01:02:53,770
(SCREAMING)

1085
01:02:55,772 --> 01:02:57,565
(BOTH SCREAMING)

1086
01:02:59,526 --> 01:03:00,777
Let me go!

1087
01:03:01,319 --> 01:03:05,240
Not until you untie my straitjacket
and put it on, okay?

1088
01:03:06,408 --> 01:03:08,576
If I do, will you let me go?

1089
01:03:09,411 --> 01:03:10,745
No!

1090
01:03:11,871 --> 01:03:13,957
Which means you will let me go.

1091
01:03:14,040 --> 01:03:15,500
So I'll do it.

1092
01:03:16,042 --> 01:03:17,294
Oh, my gosh.

1093
01:03:17,377 --> 01:03:18,545
Okay!

1094
01:03:20,213 --> 01:03:23,174
Check and mate, Mugatu.

1095
01:03:24,134 --> 01:03:25,635
Your move.

1096
01:03:27,804 --> 01:03:30,056
You really are an idiot, aren't you?

1097
01:03:30,515 --> 01:03:36,021
Like, super, super white hot,
blazingly stupid.

1098
01:03:38,064 --> 01:03:40,942
For ten long years...

1099
01:03:41,067 --> 01:03:45,238
I've been plotting my escape
from this dreadful place.

1100
01:03:45,363 --> 01:03:48,325
<i>For ten long years. For ten long years.</i>

1101
01:03:48,616 --> 01:03:53,413
Ten years spent creating some of the
most realistic and lifelike masks...

1102
01:03:54,080 --> 01:03:55,415
<i>...ever made.</i>

1103
01:03:57,208 --> 01:03:58,543
One for you.

1104
01:04:01,755 --> 01:04:03,590
And one for me.

1105
01:04:06,426 --> 01:04:07,552
All so that today...

1106
01:04:08,595 --> 01:04:10,972
...you can become me!

1107
01:04:13,433 --> 01:04:15,268
And I can become...

1108
01:04:16,519 --> 01:04:17,687
...you!

1109
01:04:23,777 --> 01:04:25,445
That's it?

1110
01:04:25,528 --> 01:04:27,238
You'll never get away with this.

1111
01:04:29,449 --> 01:04:32,160
MUGATU: All of the guards
here are former male models.

1112
01:04:32,243 --> 01:04:34,788
Somehow I don't think
it's gonna be a problem.

1113
01:04:34,913 --> 01:04:37,123
Guard! Guard!

1114
01:04:37,749 --> 01:04:39,834
GUARD: Will that be all, Mr. Zoolander?

1115
01:04:39,918 --> 01:04:41,419
That will be all.

1116
01:04:42,128 --> 01:04:43,463
DEREK: No!

1117
01:04:43,880 --> 01:04:45,131
DEREK: No!

1118
01:04:46,424 --> 01:04:48,385
Come back here, Mugatu!

1119
01:04:48,468 --> 01:04:49,886
Mugatu!

1120
01:05:18,998 --> 01:05:20,667
(HELICOPTER BLADE WHIRRING)

1121
01:05:30,593 --> 01:05:31,594
Go get Derek!

1122
01:05:31,678 --> 01:05:32,720
What?

1123
01:05:32,804 --> 01:05:34,097
Go get Derek!

1124
01:05:34,180 --> 01:05:36,433
And tell my orgy I love them!

1125
01:05:42,230 --> 01:05:43,356
Todd!

1126
01:05:45,567 --> 01:05:48,194
Where's my goddamn latte?

1127
01:05:55,410 --> 01:05:56,953
(SCREAMING)

1128
01:05:57,954 --> 01:05:59,789
(WHIMPERING)

1129
01:06:13,261 --> 01:06:16,264
Oh, and, um, here.

1130
01:06:18,725 --> 01:06:19,893
(SIGHS)

1131
01:06:20,727 --> 01:06:21,811
(SNARLING)

1132
01:06:21,895 --> 01:06:23,021
What's that?

1133
01:06:23,104 --> 01:06:24,314
I missed you, too.

1134
01:06:24,439 --> 01:06:25,648
(TODD WHIMPERS)

1135
01:07:07,273 --> 01:07:08,942
Alexanya!

1136
01:07:10,777 --> 01:07:12,028
Moo-Moo!

1137
01:07:16,032 --> 01:07:18,451
(BOTH GASPING)

1138
01:07:21,746 --> 01:07:23,456
(MOANING)

1139
01:07:26,668 --> 01:07:29,546
(BOTH SCREAMING)

1140
01:07:38,096 --> 01:07:39,264
ATARI: Alexanya!

1141
01:07:39,764 --> 01:07:41,558
Oh, no. Hey, sorry to interrupt.

1142
01:07:41,641 --> 01:07:42,850
What? (GIGGLES)

1143
01:07:43,601 --> 01:07:45,895
Don Atari, what are you doing here?

1144
01:07:45,979 --> 01:07:47,146
Don't you knuck?

1145
01:07:47,647 --> 01:07:51,317
Mugatu? What? No way, dude.

1146
01:07:51,401 --> 01:07:53,528
I thought you were
supposed to be in jail, dude.

1147
01:07:53,903 --> 01:07:55,738
You're like some dangerous criminal

1148
01:07:55,905 --> 01:07:57,299
that tried to assassinate
a world leader, dude.

1149
01:07:57,323 --> 01:08:00,243
That was some crazy retro-Bond shit.

1150
01:08:00,326 --> 01:08:02,245
So corny. I loved it.

1151
01:08:03,663 --> 01:08:05,331
Who are you?

1152
01:08:05,498 --> 01:08:09,002
Uh, hello! I know you been
all Shawshanked out,

1153
01:08:09,168 --> 01:08:12,088
but, like, seriously, I'm the new stupid
king of fashion, whatever.

1154
01:08:12,171 --> 01:08:13,548
Don Atari, baby.

1155
01:08:14,132 --> 01:08:15,466
What!

1156
01:08:15,967 --> 01:08:18,595
So you know who I am, right?

1157
01:08:19,304 --> 01:08:20,847
Derelicte was the dumbest, dude.

1158
01:08:20,930 --> 01:08:24,809
You and SpongeBob are, honestly, like,
my biggest influences ever, dude.

1159
01:08:25,059 --> 01:08:26,769
And did you just escape from prison

1160
01:08:26,853 --> 01:08:28,771
in the most ingenious way possible?

1161
01:08:30,106 --> 01:08:31,441
Uh, what?

1162
01:08:31,733 --> 01:08:33,526
And did you engineer the abduction

1163
01:08:33,610 --> 01:08:35,528
and fattening of the son of Zoolander,

1164
01:08:35,612 --> 01:08:38,781
and delivery
of the Chosen One for ritual sacrifice

1165
01:08:38,865 --> 01:08:40,950
as the key to the Fountain of Youth?

1166
01:08:41,367 --> 01:08:42,535
Did you?

1167
01:08:43,578 --> 01:08:45,371
Did you? Did you do that?

1168
01:08:45,455 --> 01:08:46,706
- Naw.
- Naw?

1169
01:08:47,332 --> 01:08:48,416
Naw.

1170
01:08:48,666 --> 01:08:49,959
- Naw?
- Naw.

1171
01:08:50,084 --> 01:08:51,294
Did you say "naw"?

1172
01:08:51,377 --> 01:08:54,297
I... I said..."naw".

1173
01:08:55,006 --> 01:08:58,176
So, I just want to ask you again.

1174
01:08:58,676 --> 01:09:02,555
Do you know

1175
01:09:03,222 --> 01:09:06,809
who I am?

1176
01:09:08,478 --> 01:09:09,812
Whatever, you're...

1177
01:09:10,897 --> 01:09:11,981
(STUTTERING)

1178
01:09:12,065 --> 01:09:13,733
I'm Jaca-boo-who?

1179
01:09:14,192 --> 01:09:15,443
Jacobim Mugatu.

1180
01:09:15,610 --> 01:09:16,819
That's right!

1181
01:09:16,903 --> 01:09:18,488
I'm Jacobim Mugatu!

1182
01:09:18,571 --> 01:09:20,323
Fashion genius.

1183
01:09:20,406 --> 01:09:21,741
And you...

1184
01:09:22,241 --> 01:09:24,035
You are no one!

1185
01:09:24,243 --> 01:09:25,745
Do you understand me?

1186
01:09:26,454 --> 01:09:27,789
No one!

1187
01:09:28,247 --> 01:09:30,249
I'm the Mamba Bajamba!

1188
01:09:31,084 --> 01:09:33,252
I'm the Mamba Bajamba!

1189
01:09:34,420 --> 01:09:35,588
Todd!

1190
01:09:40,176 --> 01:09:42,679
You'll take my name into death!

1191
01:09:43,054 --> 01:09:44,406
You should know, I actually
care about everybody

1192
01:09:44,430 --> 01:09:45,765
and everything very truly...

1193
01:09:45,848 --> 01:09:47,392
- (GRUNTS)
- (THUDS)

1194
01:09:47,558 --> 01:09:50,728
That's right!
I just killed a little hipster!

1195
01:09:50,937 --> 01:09:52,105
Yeah!

1196
01:09:52,188 --> 01:09:54,273
Prison changed me deeply!

1197
01:09:54,691 --> 01:09:56,609
It affected me psychologically.

1198
01:09:56,693 --> 01:09:58,444
I'm a psycho!

1199
01:09:59,362 --> 01:10:02,281
This is just the beginning. Watch out!

1200
01:10:02,657 --> 01:10:04,659
Buyer beware!

1201
01:10:04,992 --> 01:10:07,578
Now where is that
chubby little blood fountain?

1202
01:10:08,329 --> 01:10:10,123
(CELL PHONE RINGING)

1203
01:10:10,623 --> 01:10:11,666
Hansel!

1204
01:10:11,874 --> 01:10:13,835
(WHISPERING) Guys,
Mugatz just killed Atari.

1205
01:10:14,085 --> 01:10:15,420
DEREK: <i>For serious?</i>

1206
01:10:15,503 --> 01:10:17,547
Also, they're going
to kill your son tonight.

1207
01:10:17,922 --> 01:10:19,257
What?

1208
01:10:19,590 --> 01:10:22,260
Hang on. I'm gonna try
and get more intel.

1209
01:10:23,219 --> 01:10:24,387
(INHALES DEEPLY)

1210
01:10:31,477 --> 01:10:32,729
What's going on?

1211
01:10:32,812 --> 01:10:33,813
Why did you kidnap me?

1212
01:10:33,980 --> 01:10:36,733
I didn't kidnap you.
Don't be a silly-billy.

1213
01:10:37,275 --> 01:10:41,487
I'm just a fun,
non-threatening clown, that's what I am.

1214
01:10:42,405 --> 01:10:45,366
Who wants to massively
increase your caloric intake.

1215
01:10:45,742 --> 01:10:46,743
Look.

1216
01:10:47,118 --> 01:10:48,286
Come here.

1217
01:10:48,369 --> 01:10:50,830
There's an all-you-can-eat pasta bar.

1218
01:10:51,205 --> 01:10:52,206
(DISPENSING)

1219
01:10:52,874 --> 01:10:55,126
(CHUCKLES) <i>Abbondanza!</i>

1220
01:10:55,626 --> 01:10:59,172
Spicy hot <i>pasta puttanesca.</i>

1221
01:10:59,297 --> 01:11:01,174
Which means "whore's pasta"!

1222
01:11:01,382 --> 01:11:04,677
As in a whore, who made this pasta.

1223
01:11:06,554 --> 01:11:08,222
Doesn't that look delicious?

1224
01:11:08,431 --> 01:11:12,435
Next, an all-you-can-eat lard bar.

1225
01:11:13,686 --> 01:11:15,438
- Squirt, piggy, squirt!
- (OINKING)

1226
01:11:15,521 --> 01:11:17,440
Squirt it! Squirt!

1227
01:11:18,274 --> 01:11:20,443
(LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY)

1228
01:11:24,363 --> 01:11:26,324
All the lard you want!

1229
01:11:26,491 --> 01:11:28,868
Fill your little tummy full of lard!

1230
01:11:29,243 --> 01:11:30,495
Hansel, where is he now?

1231
01:11:30,578 --> 01:11:31,579
<i>He's okay.</i>

1232
01:11:31,954 --> 01:11:33,164
It's actually kind of nice.

1233
01:11:33,247 --> 01:11:34,558
Mugatu's hooked him up
with some snacks.

1234
01:11:34,582 --> 01:11:37,960
He's got like a lard bar
and some cheesecake and stuff.

1235
01:11:38,085 --> 01:11:39,420
<i>Oh, and pasta, too.</i>

1236
01:11:39,587 --> 01:11:40,713
No!

1237
01:11:40,880 --> 01:11:44,133
Oh, no. You're right.
He's fattening him for the slaughter.

1238
01:11:44,509 --> 01:11:46,052
You can drop this stupid act.

1239
01:11:46,552 --> 01:11:49,597
I know who you are.
You're Jacob Moogberg.

1240
01:11:49,889 --> 01:11:51,849
And you're supposed to be in jail.

1241
01:11:52,183 --> 01:11:56,479
Hey! Jacob Moogberg died
the day I put ebony and ivory

1242
01:11:56,562 --> 01:11:57,939
on skinny satin neckwear!

1243
01:11:58,022 --> 01:11:59,190
You hear me?

1244
01:11:59,690 --> 01:12:01,692
Okay. I got to make my move. Later.

1245
01:12:01,901 --> 01:12:04,570
You listen to me, Biggie Smalls.

1246
01:12:04,695 --> 01:12:06,155
I went to prison!

1247
01:12:06,239 --> 01:12:09,033
You better scarf down that
last bowl of whore pasta!

1248
01:12:09,283 --> 01:12:10,409
We roll in two!

1249
01:12:21,295 --> 01:12:22,964
You okay in there, little fella?

1250
01:12:23,256 --> 01:12:24,715
We should call the police boat!

1251
01:12:24,799 --> 01:12:26,384
They'll never get here in time.

1252
01:12:26,926 --> 01:12:29,762
Who says swimsuit models are useless?

1253
01:12:29,929 --> 01:12:31,264
Wait. What are you doing?

1254
01:12:31,764 --> 01:12:33,099
(INHALES IN SUCCESSION)

1255
01:12:33,224 --> 01:12:35,309
How long can you hold your breath?

1256
01:12:35,434 --> 01:12:37,770
- What?
- Take me from behind, Derek.

1257
01:12:38,437 --> 01:12:40,690
And grab me like your life depends on it.

1258
01:12:41,774 --> 01:12:43,234
Not like this.

1259
01:12:43,359 --> 01:12:44,694
Like this!

1260
01:12:44,777 --> 01:12:47,113
For safety. And buoyancy.

1261
01:12:47,238 --> 01:12:48,364
Wait. What?

1262
01:12:48,489 --> 01:12:50,366
We are swimming back to Rome.

1263
01:12:50,449 --> 01:12:51,784
Oh, okay.

1264
01:12:52,451 --> 01:12:53,911
(VALENTINA GASPS)

1265
01:12:56,998 --> 01:12:58,457
I just talked to your dad.

1266
01:12:58,541 --> 01:13:00,293
And we've got to get you
out of here pronto.

1267
01:13:00,835 --> 01:13:02,795
I never want to see him again.

1268
01:13:02,962 --> 01:13:04,964
What're you talking about?
Your dad's a great guy.

1269
01:13:05,089 --> 01:13:06,757
He loves you like you're his own.

1270
01:13:07,008 --> 01:13:08,426
I am his own!

1271
01:13:08,634 --> 01:13:10,761
He's literally the worst father ever!

1272
01:13:11,387 --> 01:13:13,139
Do you know
it would break your mom's heart

1273
01:13:13,222 --> 01:13:15,474
to hear you bugging out
on your dad like this?

1274
01:13:16,350 --> 01:13:17,768
You knew my mom?

1275
01:13:18,436 --> 01:13:21,981
Oh, yeah. One of the most
amazing women I ever met.

1276
01:13:22,690 --> 01:13:23,858
Really?

1277
01:13:24,150 --> 01:13:26,068
You didn't want to cross her in the sack.

1278
01:13:26,444 --> 01:13:29,906
Those hips of hers would put a love
lock on you to beat the band.

1279
01:13:31,449 --> 01:13:32,867
Wait, what?

1280
01:13:32,992 --> 01:13:34,660
I remember there was one night,

1281
01:13:34,827 --> 01:13:38,664
she had me and your dad
absolutely twisted in knots.

1282
01:13:38,998 --> 01:13:40,374
I was driving the freight train,

1283
01:13:40,458 --> 01:13:42,418
your dad's tearing tickets in the caboose.

1284
01:13:42,960 --> 01:13:43,961
Oh...

1285
01:13:44,045 --> 01:13:45,838
She had a mouth
like Chinese fingercuffs.

1286
01:13:45,922 --> 01:13:50,051
You know where you, like, try to pull it
out but it just keeps getting tighter...

1287
01:13:50,134 --> 01:13:52,303
Stop it! God.

1288
01:13:52,428 --> 01:13:54,096
Look... I'm not going.

1289
01:13:54,221 --> 01:13:56,891
Well, Mugatu's planning
to crack your chest open,

1290
01:13:57,016 --> 01:13:59,435
cut your heart out with a knife,
and drink your blood!

1291
01:13:59,560 --> 01:14:00,561
What?

1292
01:14:00,645 --> 01:14:02,521
Here he comes.
Everything's gonna be okay.

1293
01:14:03,981 --> 01:14:05,274
It's okay, it's okay.

1294
01:14:05,358 --> 01:14:07,193
(STUTTERS) I was exaggerating.

1295
01:14:14,951 --> 01:14:17,119
It's D-Day, little dumpling.

1296
01:14:21,207 --> 01:14:22,792
(WHIRRING)

1297
01:14:26,128 --> 01:14:27,338
(BOTH GRUNTING)

1298
01:14:27,421 --> 01:14:28,839
(BOTH COUGHING)

1299
01:14:29,048 --> 01:14:31,050
- (GASPS AND SWALLOWS)
- (COUGHS)

1300
01:14:31,133 --> 01:14:32,718
- You're an amazing swimmer.
- (PANTING)

1301
01:14:36,764 --> 01:14:38,808
(MUFFLED) Why are you doing this?

1302
01:14:38,891 --> 01:14:41,227
Don't talk with your mouth full.

1303
01:14:44,814 --> 01:14:46,607
(PEOPLE CHEERING)

1304
01:15:23,811 --> 01:15:25,771
(SPEAKING SPANISH)

1305
01:15:26,188 --> 01:15:27,648
It's soaking wet! It's ruined!

1306
01:15:27,732 --> 01:15:28,932
How are we gonna reach Hansel?

1307
01:15:28,983 --> 01:15:29,984
We need a phone.

1308
01:15:30,067 --> 01:15:31,235
Wait a minute.

1309
01:15:33,362 --> 01:15:34,905
(GRUNTS AND PANTS)

1310
01:15:35,322 --> 01:15:36,824
Like this one?

1311
01:15:38,617 --> 01:15:39,660
(CELL PHONE VIBRATING)

1312
01:15:44,915 --> 01:15:46,042
(WHISPERS) Derek.

1313
01:15:46,125 --> 01:15:47,209
Hansel, where are you?

1314
01:15:47,293 --> 01:15:48,395
I don't know. Some kind of tunnel.

1315
01:15:48,419 --> 01:15:50,588
<i>I think we're underneath the IncrediBall.</i>

1316
01:15:50,671 --> 01:15:52,631
<i>It smells like the ruins
of an ancient bathhouse.</i>

1317
01:15:52,965 --> 01:15:54,467
It's at the Caracalla Baths.

1318
01:15:54,759 --> 01:15:56,028
I'll drop a pin or a needle or whatever

1319
01:15:56,052 --> 01:15:57,372
and you can track my coordinates.

1320
01:15:57,636 --> 01:15:58,679
Cool.

1321
01:15:58,763 --> 01:16:00,890
They'll never let us in looking like this.

1322
01:16:06,020 --> 01:16:07,646
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

1323
01:16:07,730 --> 01:16:09,815
Interpol Fashion Division!

1324
01:16:10,066 --> 01:16:12,193
We need your vehicle
and your clothes. Now!

1325
01:16:24,330 --> 01:16:26,791
(PEOPLE TALKING AND
LAUGHING INDISTINCTLY)

1326
01:16:28,250 --> 01:16:30,252
(CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING)

1327
01:16:44,183 --> 01:16:47,520
Why is Anna Wintour walking
away from the red carpet?

1328
01:17:04,912 --> 01:17:06,914
(WHISPERING) We have to get in there.

1329
01:17:07,873 --> 01:17:11,210
Every bathhouse I've ever worked
at always had a rear entrance.

1330
01:17:11,377 --> 01:17:13,546
I'm sure this one's no different.
Come on.

1331
01:17:21,470 --> 01:17:22,805
This is definitely it.

1332
01:17:23,556 --> 01:17:24,974
If I feel around here long enough,

1333
01:17:25,057 --> 01:17:27,393
I should be able to find the hole...

1334
01:17:27,768 --> 01:17:29,061
(GRINDING)

1335
01:17:36,569 --> 01:17:37,903
- (PANTING)
- (CLATTERS)

1336
01:17:39,029 --> 01:17:40,197
Derek!

1337
01:17:41,031 --> 01:17:42,199
Hansel!

1338
01:17:43,367 --> 01:17:45,161
Boy, am I glad to see you guys.

1339
01:17:45,286 --> 01:17:47,746
Hansel, my son is going
to die hating me.

1340
01:17:48,205 --> 01:17:49,915
Hating you? The last time I saw him,

1341
01:17:49,999 --> 01:17:51,726
he couldn't stop talking about
how much he loves you.

1342
01:17:51,750 --> 01:17:52,835
- Really?
- Yes.

1343
01:17:52,918 --> 01:17:53,961
He said that?

1344
01:17:54,044 --> 01:17:55,754
Yes. I mean, I'm kind of paraphrasing,

1345
01:17:55,838 --> 01:17:57,423
and you had to read between the lines,

1346
01:17:57,506 --> 01:17:59,008
but, basically.

1347
01:17:59,091 --> 01:18:01,093
Shut up! Can we talk about this later?

1348
01:18:01,177 --> 01:18:02,636
HANSEL: Yeah, come on. Let's go!

1349
01:18:02,761 --> 01:18:03,762
This way.

1350
01:18:26,493 --> 01:18:28,120
(WHISPERING) That's Alexander Wang.

1351
01:18:28,204 --> 01:18:29,872
And Vera Wang.

1352
01:18:30,331 --> 01:18:31,999
BOTH: Both Wangs.

1353
01:18:33,792 --> 01:18:35,461
DEREK: Marc Jacobs.

1354
01:18:36,003 --> 01:18:37,671
Tommy Hilfiger.

1355
01:18:37,880 --> 01:18:40,466
VALENTINA:
They are all here for the sacrifice.

1356
01:18:42,801 --> 01:18:44,136
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

1357
01:18:57,149 --> 01:18:59,818
MUGATU: In the beginning of time,

1358
01:19:00,027 --> 01:19:04,323
God created Adam and Eve...

1359
01:19:04,448 --> 01:19:06,784
...and Steve!

1360
01:19:07,785 --> 01:19:09,453
ALL: (CHANTING) Mugatu!

1361
01:19:09,912 --> 01:19:11,580
Mugatu!

1362
01:19:12,206 --> 01:19:13,874
Mugatu!

1363
01:19:14,124 --> 01:19:15,751
Mugatu!

1364
01:19:16,168 --> 01:19:17,419
Mugatu!

1365
01:19:17,503 --> 01:19:18,629
(CLANGING)

1366
01:19:18,754 --> 01:19:19,880
(CHANTING CONTINUES)

1367
01:19:30,516 --> 01:19:32,601
- (WHIMPERS)
- (ALL CHEERING)

1368
01:19:33,477 --> 01:19:35,020
- D.J.
- Wait.

1369
01:19:35,104 --> 01:19:36,647
We don't have backup yet.

1370
01:19:40,067 --> 01:19:43,529
- Jacobeem Mugowto has deliver us...
- (DEREK JR WHIMPERS)

1371
01:19:43,612 --> 01:19:44,947
...the Choosen Why-yun.

1372
01:19:45,406 --> 01:19:46,949
(ALL CHEERING)

1373
01:19:48,117 --> 01:19:50,119
And behold,

1374
01:19:50,244 --> 01:19:52,371
God expunged Steve from the Garden,

1375
01:19:52,454 --> 01:19:54,832
only to redeem us with eternal youth...

1376
01:19:54,915 --> 01:19:55,916
No.

1377
01:19:56,000 --> 01:19:59,211
...bathed in the blood
of the fat little Chosen One!

1378
01:19:59,503 --> 01:20:00,671
(SCREAMS)

1379
01:20:00,838 --> 01:20:02,131
- Derek!
- Derek, don't.

1380
01:20:02,214 --> 01:20:03,215
No!

1381
01:20:03,757 --> 01:20:05,217
- (GASPS)
- (DEREK GRUNTS)

1382
01:20:05,592 --> 01:20:07,428
(SCREAMS AND GROANS)

1383
01:20:10,347 --> 01:20:12,391
I don't care
if you're fat anymore, Derek Jr.

1384
01:20:12,474 --> 01:20:13,600
I love you.

1385
01:20:13,726 --> 01:20:16,228
Look, I have made
a lot of mistakes in my life,

1386
01:20:16,312 --> 01:20:18,022
but you are by far the best one.

1387
01:20:18,105 --> 01:20:19,440
I was a mistake?

1388
01:20:19,565 --> 01:20:20,565
I think so.

1389
01:20:20,607 --> 01:20:22,877
To tell you the truth, we were having
so much sex, I can't remember.

1390
01:20:22,901 --> 01:20:24,737
Tell me about it, <i>muchacho.</i>

1391
01:20:24,903 --> 01:20:25,904
Ugh!

1392
01:20:25,988 --> 01:20:29,575
You're beautiful. You have the fire.
You just need to believe it.

1393
01:20:29,742 --> 01:20:30,784
The fire?

1394
01:20:30,868 --> 01:20:32,328
The fire in your face.

1395
01:20:32,828 --> 01:20:35,122
I lost it the day I killed your mom.

1396
01:20:35,622 --> 01:20:39,293
Oh, look. It's a sad, scared little boy

1397
01:20:39,376 --> 01:20:42,796
talking to his fat son
about their feelings.

1398
01:20:43,756 --> 01:20:45,758
You are responsible for all this!

1399
01:20:45,841 --> 01:20:48,177
You lured me to Italy
so you could escape from prison.

1400
01:20:48,260 --> 01:20:50,929
You made Don Atari
and Alexanya hire me to set this trap.

1401
01:20:51,472 --> 01:20:52,723
But enough is enough!

1402
01:20:53,182 --> 01:20:54,641
Enough is enough!

1403
01:20:54,767 --> 01:20:56,518
Eat my blade, Junior!

1404
01:20:56,935 --> 01:20:59,355
Time to die, Chubby Checker!

1405
01:21:03,400 --> 01:21:04,777
Magnum, buddy. Now.

1406
01:21:06,695 --> 01:21:08,113
I can do this.

1407
01:21:16,538 --> 01:21:18,123
(SCREAMS)

1408
01:21:20,167 --> 01:21:21,168
Oh.

1409
01:21:22,336 --> 01:21:24,671
That did not work at all.

1410
01:21:24,963 --> 01:21:26,048
(GROANS)

1411
01:21:26,256 --> 01:21:28,592
It just doesn't hold up, does it?

1412
01:21:28,967 --> 01:21:30,969
You sleuthed the whole thing out, Derek,

1413
01:21:31,053 --> 01:21:34,390
but failed to de-sleuth
the most important piece of the puzzle.

1414
01:21:34,473 --> 01:21:36,308
I owned the construction company

1415
01:21:36,392 --> 01:21:38,894
that built the Center for
Kids Who Can't Read Good.

1416
01:21:40,771 --> 01:21:42,981
<i>I personally made sure they cut corners.</i>

1417
01:21:43,148 --> 01:21:44,316
Literally!

1418
01:21:44,775 --> 01:21:45,901
(GROANS)

1419
01:21:45,984 --> 01:21:46,984
But that means that...

1420
01:21:47,027 --> 01:21:50,447
That's right, JuJu Bean.
That's <i>How I Killed Your Mother!</i>

1421
01:21:51,281 --> 01:21:54,743
On CBS, right after <i>Two Broke Girls.</i>

1422
01:21:55,452 --> 01:21:57,079
Dad, it wasn't you!

1423
01:21:57,162 --> 01:21:58,288
It wasn't...

1424
01:21:58,497 --> 01:22:01,333
Wait. You called me "Dad".

1425
01:22:01,959 --> 01:22:03,544
Oh, I guess I did.

1426
01:22:04,211 --> 01:22:06,255
Now you don't have the ceremonial knife!

1427
01:22:06,338 --> 01:22:08,924
Which means, no Fountain of Youth!

1428
01:22:09,508 --> 01:22:11,885
Come on, Derek! We need the blood!

1429
01:22:12,261 --> 01:22:14,346
Stop being so emotional, Derek.

1430
01:22:14,430 --> 01:22:16,306
Just give him the goddamn knife.

1431
01:22:16,515 --> 01:22:18,225
Derek, we need the blood!

1432
01:22:18,308 --> 01:22:21,019
(CHANTING) Blood of Steve!
Blood of Steve!

1433
01:22:21,103 --> 01:22:24,273
ALL: Blood of Steve! Blood of Steve!

1434
01:22:24,648 --> 01:22:27,401
Blood of Steve!
Give him back the knife, Derek.

1435
01:22:27,651 --> 01:22:29,570
ALL: Blood of Steve! Blood of Steve!

1436
01:22:30,154 --> 01:22:31,738
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

1437
01:22:32,364 --> 01:22:34,533
Shut up, Valentino!

1438
01:22:35,367 --> 01:22:37,953
Just shut up! Everyone shut up!

1439
01:22:38,036 --> 01:22:40,539
There is no Fountain of Youth!

1440
01:22:41,248 --> 01:22:42,332
What?

1441
01:22:42,791 --> 01:22:46,462
I mean, Adam and Eve and Steve?

1442
01:22:46,545 --> 01:22:49,298
Are you serious?
You actually believed that crap?

1443
01:22:49,798 --> 01:22:50,966
What?

1444
01:22:51,341 --> 01:22:55,137
It's literally the stupidest thing
I've ever heard!

1445
01:22:55,471 --> 01:22:59,433
I get it if Alexander Wang believes it,
but the rest of you, come on!

1446
01:22:59,558 --> 01:23:00,684
Oh, please.

1447
01:23:00,767 --> 01:23:03,812
Without me, you'd still
be cutting patterns at Men's Wearhouse.

1448
01:23:04,146 --> 01:23:06,732
Oh, look,
it's the White Witch from Narnia!

1449
01:23:08,233 --> 01:23:10,652
Oh, no, I'm sorry it's just Anna Wintour.

1450
01:23:10,736 --> 01:23:11,945
I'll knock your teeth out!

1451
01:23:12,070 --> 01:23:14,323
I'll rip your goddamn tongue out!

1452
01:23:14,531 --> 01:23:16,825
Check out the new
spring collection from Hilfiger.

1453
01:23:16,909 --> 01:23:18,452
Brought to you by white privilege!

1454
01:23:18,952 --> 01:23:21,663
You couldn't make a down jacket
to save your life!

1455
01:23:22,039 --> 01:23:23,415
Asshole.

1456
01:23:23,499 --> 01:23:26,102
MARC JACOBS: I don't understand.
You're saying the legend isn't true?

1457
01:23:26,126 --> 01:23:28,378
Why are you doing all of this, then?

1458
01:23:28,629 --> 01:23:31,465
Because Marc, by Marc Jacobs...

1459
01:23:32,424 --> 01:23:35,093
...I knew there'd only be
one thing that would gather

1460
01:23:35,177 --> 01:23:40,682
the entire idiotic fashion
world into one place with no exit!

1461
01:23:40,766 --> 01:23:42,059
Todd! Doors!

1462
01:23:43,185 --> 01:23:45,229
(WHIRRING AND CLANGING)

1463
01:23:47,147 --> 01:23:48,524
Todd! Silks!

1464
01:23:48,607 --> 01:23:49,650
(WHIRRS)

1465
01:23:52,110 --> 01:23:53,111
Huh?

1466
01:23:53,779 --> 01:23:58,116
For years you all left me
to die in a stinking cell!

1467
01:23:58,283 --> 01:24:00,786
Well, now it's my turn!

1468
01:24:04,540 --> 01:24:06,458
I was living a peaceful life of reclusion.

1469
01:24:07,251 --> 01:24:08,794
Why drag me into this?

1470
01:24:09,127 --> 01:24:10,212
(GRUNTS)

1471
01:24:10,295 --> 01:24:12,422
Because my big issue is...

1472
01:24:12,506 --> 01:24:15,592
...I hate you, Derek Zoolander!

1473
01:24:17,135 --> 01:24:19,137
Then why kill all those pop stars?

1474
01:24:19,221 --> 01:24:20,806
Why kill Justin Bieber?

1475
01:24:21,723 --> 01:24:25,310
Really? You're asking me
why I killed Justin Bieber?

1476
01:24:29,481 --> 01:24:30,816
Todd! Pooch!

1477
01:24:35,404 --> 01:24:36,405
(WHIRRING)

1478
01:24:38,240 --> 01:24:39,366
It's a bomb!

1479
01:24:39,658 --> 01:24:41,326
MUGATU: Not just any bomb.

1480
01:24:41,493 --> 01:24:44,746
A device, designed by Philippe Starck

1481
01:24:44,830 --> 01:24:46,665
in collaboration with Al-Qaeda

1482
01:24:46,790 --> 01:24:49,501
for their new spring explosive collection.

1483
01:24:49,918 --> 01:24:51,753
Todd! Floor!

1484
01:24:54,840 --> 01:24:57,843
When I throw this
into this ancient pool of lava,

1485
01:24:58,010 --> 01:25:00,429
it will overflow,
killing everyone in fashion.

1486
01:25:01,471 --> 01:25:03,140
Leaving only me.

1487
01:25:03,515 --> 01:25:04,933
You can't kill fashion!

1488
01:25:05,017 --> 01:25:07,436
I'm afraid fashion already killed itself.

1489
01:25:08,395 --> 01:25:11,064
Mugatu! I'm coming across!

1490
01:25:13,525 --> 01:25:14,693
HANSEL: Derek!

1491
01:25:15,235 --> 01:25:17,696
Heat is a temporal construct of the mind.

1492
01:25:17,779 --> 01:25:18,780
Yes.

1493
01:25:18,905 --> 01:25:20,907
It doesn't exist.

1494
01:25:23,910 --> 01:25:24,911
- (SCREAMING)
- Whoa!

1495
01:25:24,995 --> 01:25:27,581
It's so hot! It's hot!

1496
01:25:28,290 --> 01:25:29,291
(SCREAMING)

1497
01:25:29,499 --> 01:25:30,500
(GROANS)

1498
01:25:30,584 --> 01:25:31,793
(SCREAMS)

1499
01:25:32,544 --> 01:25:33,545
(GASPS)

1500
01:25:33,795 --> 01:25:34,796
Jesus!

1501
01:25:34,880 --> 01:25:36,715
Stop it, Hansel! Stop it!

1502
01:25:37,007 --> 01:25:38,091
(SCREAMING)

1503
01:25:38,383 --> 01:25:39,843
Derek, toss me the knife.

1504
01:25:40,052 --> 01:25:41,219
You got it!

1505
01:25:42,596 --> 01:25:45,223
(SCREAMING)

1506
01:25:45,724 --> 01:25:47,851
(BOTH GROANING)

1507
01:25:48,894 --> 01:25:49,978
Sorry.

1508
01:25:50,228 --> 01:25:51,688
(BOTH GROANING)

1509
01:25:52,314 --> 01:25:53,690
So stupid.

1510
01:25:53,940 --> 01:25:56,735
- What the hell is your problem?
- (SCREAMS)

1511
01:25:56,902 --> 01:25:59,237
You guys are the absolute worst.

1512
01:25:59,446 --> 01:26:01,114
Put the bomb down, Mugatu!

1513
01:26:02,658 --> 01:26:06,161
Oh, you're the bubble-butted Playboy
model trying to take me down.

1514
01:26:06,244 --> 01:26:07,371
Swimsuit model!

1515
01:26:07,454 --> 01:26:10,666
<i>Sports Illustrated</i> cover,
three years in a row!

1516
01:26:10,749 --> 01:26:11,958
(SHRIEKING)

1517
01:26:13,377 --> 01:26:14,378
Ah!

1518
01:26:14,753 --> 01:26:15,754
(GRUNTING)

1519
01:26:16,713 --> 01:26:18,173
(SCREAMS)

1520
01:26:20,008 --> 01:26:21,009
(GROANS)

1521
01:26:28,975 --> 01:26:30,018
Katinka...

1522
01:26:30,102 --> 01:26:31,436
...Ingaborgovinanananana!

1523
01:26:32,104 --> 01:26:33,772
- (GRUNTS)
- (GROANS)

1524
01:26:34,648 --> 01:26:37,776
Game on, my sexy sister.

1525
01:26:39,736 --> 01:26:40,904
(KATINKA LAUGHS)

1526
01:26:41,196 --> 01:26:42,197
(GRUNTS)

1527
01:26:42,781 --> 01:26:44,157
(BOTH GRUNTING)

1528
01:26:45,909 --> 01:26:48,078
Look! They're sexy fighting!

1529
01:26:50,163 --> 01:26:52,290
(BOTH MOANING)

1530
01:26:52,624 --> 01:26:53,959
(LATEX SQUEAKING)

1531
01:26:59,631 --> 01:27:01,425
Awesome.

1532
01:27:02,592 --> 01:27:04,010
(BOTH MOANING)

1533
01:27:04,302 --> 01:27:06,138
Tommy likee.

1534
01:27:06,263 --> 01:27:08,181
(MOANING CONTINUES)

1535
01:27:09,224 --> 01:27:12,060
Hey, idiots!
Maybe this will get your attention!

1536
01:27:12,144 --> 01:27:14,604
I've got a bomb in my hand
and it's armed!

1537
01:27:14,813 --> 01:27:16,356
- (BEEPING)
- (BOTH GASPING)

1538
01:27:20,569 --> 01:27:22,362
Derek, now! Magnum! Do it!

1539
01:27:22,446 --> 01:27:24,156
Fly, baby, fly!

1540
01:27:25,657 --> 01:27:26,992
Bust it out!

1541
01:27:34,666 --> 01:27:36,334
Yes! I knew it.

1542
01:27:40,839 --> 01:27:41,840
(GASPS)

1543
01:27:42,007 --> 01:27:43,425
(CHUCKLES)

1544
01:27:48,346 --> 01:27:50,015
Hansel, I need your help.

1545
01:27:50,557 --> 01:27:51,725
Here, let me try!

1546
01:27:51,933 --> 01:27:52,934
(INHALES DEEPLY)

1547
01:27:54,144 --> 01:27:57,105
It's not working! Derek, it's not working!

1548
01:27:57,355 --> 01:27:59,858
I can't hold it, Hansel! I don't have it!

1549
01:28:00,025 --> 01:28:02,360
You've got your son! I've got nothing.

1550
01:28:03,487 --> 01:28:04,529
(EXHALES)

1551
01:28:04,613 --> 01:28:05,989
Not anymore, Hansel.

1552
01:28:07,532 --> 01:28:08,825
Who's your daddy now?

1553
01:28:09,242 --> 01:28:11,328
I don't know who my daddy is!

1554
01:28:11,411 --> 01:28:12,746
That's the whole point!

1555
01:28:12,954 --> 01:28:14,790
- Hansel.
- What?

1556
01:28:16,666 --> 01:28:18,335
I am your father.

1557
01:28:19,628 --> 01:28:21,755
Holy shit. Sting?

1558
01:28:21,838 --> 01:28:23,381
Let's do this now.

1559
01:28:23,924 --> 01:28:25,592
Synchronicity.

1560
01:28:44,236 --> 01:28:47,572
Nice try, but that looks about
as powerful as your fat son's...

1561
01:28:47,739 --> 01:28:49,908
I'm not fat!

1562
01:28:51,493 --> 01:28:53,662
He's plus size.

1563
01:28:55,205 --> 01:28:56,957
And I've got the fire.

1564
01:29:02,838 --> 01:29:05,841
<i>El Niño!</i> It's real.

1565
01:29:08,760 --> 01:29:10,929
It's so beautiful.

1566
01:29:12,013 --> 01:29:13,598
<i>Bellissima.</i>

1567
01:29:18,979 --> 01:29:20,981
The prophecy was true.

1568
01:29:22,732 --> 01:29:24,901
He is the Chosen One.

1569
01:29:27,362 --> 01:29:28,363
(GRUNTING)

1570
01:29:29,489 --> 01:29:30,490
(GASPING)

1571
01:29:31,616 --> 01:29:35,954
Hansel. He's still so hot right now.

1572
01:29:36,121 --> 01:29:37,122
(EXPLOSION)

1573
01:29:46,172 --> 01:29:49,342
No way! It's a glitter bomb!

1574
01:29:59,978 --> 01:30:00,979
(LAUGHING)

1575
01:30:02,272 --> 01:30:03,648
Looks like you still have it.

1576
01:30:03,982 --> 01:30:05,066
I guess I do.

1577
01:30:05,150 --> 01:30:07,402
- Well, we do.
- Mmm.

1578
01:30:09,154 --> 01:30:10,155
Ah!

1579
01:30:11,573 --> 01:30:12,616
Your face!

1580
01:30:12,991 --> 01:30:14,409
How bad is it?

1581
01:30:14,910 --> 01:30:16,745
Welcome to my world, bro.

1582
01:30:16,995 --> 01:30:18,580
- NATALKA: Hansel!
- MAN: Hansel!

1583
01:30:18,663 --> 01:30:20,540
- Orgy!
- Hansel!

1584
01:30:21,166 --> 01:30:22,876
(TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

1585
01:30:24,336 --> 01:30:26,379
What are they doing here?

1586
01:30:26,546 --> 01:30:28,340
I knew how much they meant to you,

1587
01:30:28,465 --> 01:30:30,258
so I called them on the way over.

1588
01:30:30,342 --> 01:30:31,843
You did that for me?

1589
01:30:32,385 --> 01:30:36,389
You're the best friend anyone could
ever ask for, Derek Zoolander.

1590
01:30:37,766 --> 01:30:39,225
(ALL CHEERING)

1591
01:30:40,268 --> 01:30:42,729
You look so beautiful. Oh.

1592
01:30:43,438 --> 01:30:44,773
We missed you so much.

1593
01:30:44,856 --> 01:30:46,274
And I've missed you, too.

1594
01:30:46,358 --> 01:30:49,361
And I'm ready to be a father.
To all our children.

1595
01:30:51,279 --> 01:30:52,948
Minus one.

1596
01:30:54,491 --> 01:30:55,492
What?

1597
01:30:55,951 --> 01:30:57,619
I lost my baby.

1598
01:30:58,161 --> 01:30:59,329
No.

1599
01:30:59,788 --> 01:31:02,791
I guess kicking the door
down wasn't such a good idea.

1600
01:31:03,792 --> 01:31:06,461
We're going to be a family,
that's all that matters.

1601
01:31:06,878 --> 01:31:07,879
(LAUGHING)

1602
01:31:14,511 --> 01:31:17,263
Wait. Are you sure?

1603
01:31:17,973 --> 01:31:20,475
You're right. We shouldn't.

1604
01:31:21,685 --> 01:31:26,022
Hey. It's okay, Dad.
I don't think Mom would mind.

1605
01:31:33,238 --> 01:31:34,406
Matilda.

1606
01:31:35,156 --> 01:31:36,700
Go to her, Derek.

1607
01:31:37,575 --> 01:31:38,994
You're cool with it?

1608
01:31:39,160 --> 01:31:41,162
I'm totally cool with it.

1609
01:31:41,413 --> 01:31:42,664
I'm dead.

1610
01:31:42,747 --> 01:31:45,083
Literally nothing bothers me anymore.

1611
01:31:46,209 --> 01:31:47,311
MATILDA: Oh, and guess what?

1612
01:31:47,335 --> 01:31:49,004
Mugatu live-streamed all of this

1613
01:31:49,087 --> 01:31:51,172
to every fashion blog on the planet.

1614
01:31:51,589 --> 01:31:53,842
Everybody loves you guys again.

1615
01:31:54,342 --> 01:31:55,427
Did you hear that?

1616
01:31:55,510 --> 01:31:57,387
We did it. We're back.

1617
01:31:57,470 --> 01:31:59,931
And famous. And totally self-realized.

1618
01:32:00,473 --> 01:32:02,267
Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

1619
01:32:02,934 --> 01:32:04,269
If you're thinking...

1620
01:32:04,436 --> 01:32:06,938
BOTH: Lava pool party!

1621
01:32:08,773 --> 01:32:10,316
BOTH: No!

1622
01:32:13,778 --> 01:32:14,821
{\an8}They're back!

1623
01:32:14,904 --> 01:32:17,073
{\an8}After six weeks in the burn ward,

1624
01:32:17,157 --> 01:32:19,325
their disgusting facial scars healed

1625
01:32:19,409 --> 01:32:21,703
by a miraculous hot lava treatment

1626
01:32:21,786 --> 01:32:24,998
<i>Derek Zoolander and Hansel
owning the runway once again</i>

1627
01:32:25,123 --> 01:32:27,709
<i>after exposing fashion's top designers</i>

1628
01:32:27,792 --> 01:32:30,420
{\an8}<i>in yet another human sacrifice scandal.</i>

1629
01:32:30,503 --> 01:32:34,507
{\an8}This time with the aid
of Interpol agent Valentina Valencia,

1630
01:32:34,591 --> 01:32:36,468
<i>now Zoolander's wife.</i>

1631
01:32:37,010 --> 01:32:38,470
<i>The two recently broke ground</i>

1632
01:32:38,553 --> 01:32:40,930
<i>for the Valentina Valencia
Center For Swimsuit Models</i>

1633
01:32:41,014 --> 01:32:42,390
<i>Who Want To Be Taken Seriously</i>

1634
01:32:42,474 --> 01:32:45,143
{\an8}<i>And Maybe Transition
Into Law Enforcement Too.</i>

1635
01:32:45,226 --> 01:32:48,980
Hansel, definitely back
and fully self-realized.

1636
01:32:49,064 --> 01:32:51,775
<i>Now a model parent. And father of ten.</i>

1637
01:32:51,858 --> 01:32:53,777
As crowds at Paris Fashion Week

1638
01:32:53,860 --> 01:32:56,362
go cray-cray for Derek Zoolander, Jr.,

1639
01:32:56,446 --> 01:32:58,948
<i>the world's hottest
plus size model-slash-</i>

1640
01:32:59,032 --> 01:33:00,408
<i>National Book Award winner-</i>

1641
01:33:00,492 --> 01:33:03,620
<i>slash-one-half of celebrity
couple Zoolala.</i>

1642
01:33:03,703 --> 01:33:06,081
MALE NEWSCASTER:
<i>Yes, these three are totally on fleek...</i>

1643
01:33:06,372 --> 01:33:09,334
<i>Redefining what it means
to be really, really,</i>

1644
01:33:09,501 --> 01:33:12,003
<i>ridiculously good-looking.</i>

1645
01:33:13,338 --> 01:33:14,923
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

1646
01:33:15,882 --> 01:33:17,383
<i>Pumped up with the sex appeal</i>

1647
01:33:17,509 --> 01:33:19,195
<i>'Bout to cop another feel
Then I foot the bill</i>

1648
01:33:19,219 --> 01:33:20,970
<i>I got bang bang with the looks that kill</i>

1649
01:33:21,054 --> 01:33:22,847
<i>Sashay, Shante, then hit the blue steel</i>

1650
01:33:22,931 --> 01:33:24,766
{\an8}<i>Trying to take a ride in the cool mobile</i>

1651
01:33:24,891 --> 01:33:26,811
{\an8}<i>You wanna keep me on the line
'Cause my culo real</i>

1652
01:33:26,935 --> 01:33:28,728
<i>Rockstar shit with the Goose on the chill</i>

1653
01:33:28,853 --> 01:33:30,897
<i>My pockets so fat, got a sumo deal</i>

1654
01:33:31,022 --> 01:33:32,524
<i>I'm a star, so the camera flicker</i>

1655
01:33:32,607 --> 01:33:34,692
<i>Look at her go, blame it on the liquor</i>

1656
01:33:34,776 --> 01:33:36,236
<i>Doing it big, my selfie two figures</i>

1657
01:33:36,361 --> 01:33:38,196
<i>Could give it up, but I ain't a quitter</i>

1658
01:33:38,279 --> 01:33:41,908
<i>Ooh, I be flyer than you
World domination, I'm so Mugatu</i>

1659
01:33:42,033 --> 01:33:43,868
<i>Yes, I be smashin', plenty of fashion</i>

1660
01:33:43,952 --> 01:33:46,037
<i>Doing my anthem,
Now give 'em the Magnum</i>

1661
01:33:46,121 --> 01:33:49,082
<i>Relax, don't do it
When you wanna go to it</i>

1662
01:33:49,165 --> 01:33:51,084
<i>Relax, don't do it</i>

1663
01:33:53,086 --> 01:33:56,631
<i>Relax, don't do it
When we got the club moving</i>

1664
01:33:56,714 --> 01:33:58,591
<i>Relax, don't do it</i>

1665
01:33:58,716 --> 01:34:02,554
<i>When you wanna come</i>

1666
01:34:16,025 --> 01:34:19,779
<i>Pack it up, old lames
You just irrelevant to us</i>

1667
01:34:19,863 --> 01:34:23,533
<i>Old as the presidents
Your style is like the republican twos</i>

1668
01:34:23,616 --> 01:34:26,744
<i>That's a definite
Give grief to all your relatives</i>

1669
01:34:26,828 --> 01:34:30,248
<i>And next of kin and
Gave 'em D-attention, no decificit</i>

1670
01:34:30,456 --> 01:34:33,251
<i>When I say ancient relics,
Hansel and Derek,</i>

1671
01:34:33,334 --> 01:34:34,752
<i>I'm handsome, you jealous</i>

1672
01:34:34,836 --> 01:34:39,257
<i>I can tell it from your facial expressions
Or I take it, you smell it</i>

1673
01:34:39,424 --> 01:34:44,971
<i>I'm sorry, Don Atari, but Donatella
suggested Valentino for the party</i>

1674
01:34:45,597 --> 01:34:48,975
<i>Shoot it in the right direction</i>

1675
01:34:49,225 --> 01:34:52,478
<i>Make it your intention</i>

1676
01:34:53,271 --> 01:34:54,772
<i>Live those dreams</i>

1677
01:34:54,939 --> 01:34:56,482
<i>Scheme those schemes</i>

1678
01:34:57,025 --> 01:34:58,818
<i>You gotta hit me</i>

1679
01:34:58,902 --> 01:35:00,945
<i>Hit me with those laser beams</i>

1680
01:35:01,029 --> 01:35:04,240
<i>Relax, don't do it
When you wanna go to it</i>

1681
01:35:04,324 --> 01:35:07,827
<i>Relax, don't do it
When you wanna come</i>

1682
01:35:08,077 --> 01:35:09,871
<i>Relax, don't do it</i>

1683
01:35:09,996 --> 01:35:11,748
<i>When we got the club moving</i>

1684
01:35:11,831 --> 01:35:13,541
<i>Relax, don't do it</i>

1685
01:35:13,625 --> 01:35:16,961
<i>When you wanna come</i>

1686
01:35:18,755 --> 01:35:21,799
<i>When you wanna come</i>

1687
01:35:30,516 --> 01:35:31,976
<i>Relax</i>

1687
01:35:32,305 --> 01:36:32,228