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This programme contains some
strong language from the start.

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♪ Oh, Mandy, well, you came
and you gave without taking

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♪ But I sent you away, oh, Mandy

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♪ Well, you kissed me and
stopped me from shaking

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♪ And I need you today

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♪ Oh, Mandy... ♪

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Well, you managed to
last all of 40 minutes

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in your latest job as a dog food
taster. That's a new record.

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-They wanted me to eat dog food!
-You're a taster.

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How else are they going to
know what it tastes like?

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Get dogs to taste it.

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OK, Mandy, this is only the
latest in a series of jobs

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that we've found for you, which
you've not been able to hold down.

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OK? So I'm afraid I'm
only left with one option.

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Since you now qualify
as long-term unemployed,

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I'm afraid I'm going to have to
send you on a restart scheme.

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-Oh, fucking hell, no!
-Please.

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The scheme is aimed to
break down the barriers

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that are holding you back
from gainful employment.

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OK? If you do not attend, it
will affect your benefits.

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The only valid reason not to
attend is a serious health issue.

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And you don't seem to have
anything wrong with you.

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I mean, not...
physically, anyway.

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I'll do anything rather
than the restart scheme.

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-I'll go back to the dog food place.
-No, they won't have you back.

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They say you stole 17 tins of
Gammon And Tripe For Senior Dogs.

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Not denying that, then?

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Right, it's 9am on
Monday morning. OK?

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I'll email you the details.
Is your email address still

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MandyFarter2@Tesco.net?

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I couldn't get
Carter, it were taken.

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Someone else beat
me to MandyFarter1.

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-But you definitely wanted Farter?
-Yes. -Yes.

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OK, well, you might want to
think about changing that

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to something a bit
more... professional.

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OK? And, in fact, while
you're making changes,

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you might want to think
about the image you project

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to prospective employers.

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Dress for the job you want, Mandy.
I'll see you on Monday, Mandy.

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-You're doing the restart scheme?
-I am.

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Oh, just when I thought my life
couldn't get any sodding worse.

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Dress for the job you want,
Mandy. Dress for the job you want.

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MUSIC: Oh, Pretty
Woman by Roy Orbison

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♪ Pretty woman... ♪

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MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY

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47
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Are you looking for
anything in particular?

48
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Er, yeah. How much
is this jacket?

49
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I'm not sure you'll be
able to afford that.

50
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How do you know
what I can afford?!

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That jacket's £700.
Can you afford that?

52
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-No, I can't, no.
-No, you see, I didn't think you could,

53
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because of what you're
currently wearing.

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This is our bargain bin. You
might find something here,

55
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but we don't actually
cater for prostitutes.

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I'm not a prozzie,
you cheeky cow!

57
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Oh, sorry! I just assumed
you were a prostitute.

58
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You nasty bitch!

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I were going to spend
thousands in here!

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SHE SOBS

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OK.

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OK, well, um, look, thank you to
those of you who... who made...

63
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-Oh, you're in 'ere.
-Yeah.

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-I'll sit here, shall I?
-Quick as you can, please.

65
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OK, well,

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welcome, everyone.
Thanks for coming along.

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-So, my name is Jason.
-Jason!

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SHE LAUGHS

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Who knew?

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I'll be helping you to navigate
job-hunting in the 21st century.

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Um, first of all, let's all get
to know each other a little bit.

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Um, so what I'd like you to
do is introduce yourselves,

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tell us your name, and then tell us
one interesting fact about yourself.

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Who'd like to go first?

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My name's Raymond. And, uh...

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-One interesting fact about yourself.
-Um...

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Um...

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Anything.

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Um...

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Um...

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-Anything at all would be...
-Um...

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-You ever won anything?
-Um...

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-No, I can't think.
-Nothing?

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-No? - Can't think.
-OK. Um, yeah, next.

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Uh, my name is Leonard Cosgrave,

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and I just got divorced.

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OK. And one interesting
fact about yourself.

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-There was the interesting fact.
-The divorce.

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-Next. -Paul.
-Yeah.

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I did eight years in the nick
for killing my geography teacher.

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-OK.
-Shanked him.

92
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In! Twist! And out!

93
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-Right.
-Never knew what hit him.

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Last time he banged
on about oxbow lakes.

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Worth every year of chokey.

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And I'd do it again
in a heartbeat

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if some jumped-up prick tried to
tell me what to do with myself.

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-Is that the sort of thing you're after?
-Yeah, that's perfect, Paul.

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Um... OK, who's next?

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-Graham.
-Yep.

101
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I came up with the
phrase "so near, so SPAR"

102
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-for SPAR supermarket. -Oh.
-I didn't see a penny in royalties.

103
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Oh, that's a shame, Graham,

104
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but well done for coming up with
that phrase. That can't have been...

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...easy, thinking of
a phrase. Um, next.

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My name is Mei Suzuki, and
I once met Luther Vandross.

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Oh, yes, that's... Now,
that is an interesting fact.

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He's great, isn't he? Never Too
Much is probably my favourite,

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if I had to pick one.

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JASON CHUCKLES

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OK. Uh, yes. Next.

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CLOCK TICKS

113
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Well, we'll... OK, we'll come
back... We'll come back to you.

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And, yeah, last but not least.

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-You know who I am.
-For the group, Mandy. -Oh!

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My name's Mandy Carter and I
once unblocked a drain by myself.

117
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-OK.
-Saved myself 200 quid.

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Watched a load of YouTube videos
on how to do it. Turns out

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you just need a really long stick
and a cloth soaked in thick bleach.

120
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Professional drain unblockers
don't want you to know this.

121
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OK. Thank you, Mandy. So, um...

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Look, can't you just mark
me down and I can clear off?

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-It's such a waste of time.
-You know that I can't, Mandy.

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The only valid excuse for not
attending is a serious health issue.

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OK, so now we're all introduced
a little bit, let's crack on.

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So, first up, we're going
to be learning about

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preparing for a job interview,

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00:06:49,640 --> 00:06:52,839
how to create a positive
first impression.

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00:06:52,840 --> 00:06:55,799
-Now, what do you think I mean by...
-Eh? Eh?

130
00:06:55,800 --> 00:06:59,119
-This is a bit like One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest, innit?
-Sh, hey.

131
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Sh-sh-sh.

132
00:07:02,080 --> 00:07:03,439
Actually, do you
know what, Mandy?

133
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-Maybe you'd like to be first up for the role play.
-Role play?

134
00:07:06,040 --> 00:07:09,520
Oh, you mucky bugger! Are you
going to be Nurse Ratched?

135
00:07:11,840 --> 00:07:14,159
Actually, Mandy, in the
email inviting you here,

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you were asked to dress

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as though you were attending
an important job interview.

138
00:07:18,960 --> 00:07:22,440
-Yeah.
-You did receive that email? -Yeah.

139
00:07:23,880 --> 00:07:27,679
So this is what you would wear to
an important job interview, is it?

140
00:07:27,680 --> 00:07:32,359
-Yeah.
-OK. So who can help me tell Mandy what she might be doing wrong,

141
00:07:32,360 --> 00:07:34,719
what kind of first
impression she's creating?

142
00:07:34,720 --> 00:07:37,839
-Um... -Yeah.
-She look like a prostitute.

143
00:07:37,840 --> 00:07:40,559
-Yeah. -You fucking bitch!
-Hey, whoa! Mandy!

144
00:07:40,560 --> 00:07:43,479
Now, I know it can
be quite exposing

145
00:07:43,480 --> 00:07:47,719
hearing what we could do better.
But it's also how we learn.

146
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So... prostitute.

147
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Very good. Anyone else?

148
00:07:51,760 --> 00:07:54,559
-She looks cheap.
-Cheap? Yeah. Excellent.

149
00:07:54,560 --> 00:07:55,959
Um, anyone else?

150
00:07:55,960 --> 00:07:58,719
-Yeah. Well rough.
-Say again, sorry, Graham.

151
00:07:58,720 --> 00:08:01,839
-Well rough.
-Well rough. Absolutely.

152
00:08:01,840 --> 00:08:04,439
Looks like she just
isn't bothered.

153
00:08:04,440 --> 00:08:07,399
Yeah, absolutely right. Like she
hasn't bothered. Anyone else?

154
00:08:07,400 --> 00:08:09,999
-Disrespectful, innit? - Yeah.
-To the company. - Yeah.

155
00:08:10,000 --> 00:08:11,719
And you know what
they're going to do

156
00:08:11,720 --> 00:08:14,120
if they don't get the
respect they deserve!

157
00:08:19,880 --> 00:08:22,199
No, but it is disrespectful,
Paul, that's right.

158
00:08:22,200 --> 00:08:26,199
It suggests that Mandy couldn't
care less about the job interview,

159
00:08:26,200 --> 00:08:28,319
let alone her personal hygiene.

160
00:08:28,320 --> 00:08:29,959
Anyone else?

161
00:08:29,960 --> 00:08:31,480
Looks dirty.

162
00:08:33,200 --> 00:08:35,079
Yeah, I'll just
put dirty, I think.

163
00:08:35,080 --> 00:08:38,639
But this is all really good stuff.
Anyone else got any more to add

164
00:08:38,640 --> 00:08:41,400
-on how Mandy looks?
-I'm just going to go to the loo!

165
00:08:48,120 --> 00:08:51,319
MUMBLING: Everyone thinks
I look like a prostitute!

166
00:08:51,320 --> 00:08:54,959
-A what? -A prostitute!
-Oh! A prostitute.

167
00:08:54,960 --> 00:08:58,159
Dear, dear Mandy, don't worry.

168
00:08:58,160 --> 00:09:00,999
Some prostitutes are
actually very beautiful.

169
00:09:01,000 --> 00:09:02,639
The high-class ones.

170
00:09:02,640 --> 00:09:04,519
Maybe they think
you're one of those.

171
00:09:04,520 --> 00:09:06,199
MANDY WAILS

172
00:09:06,200 --> 00:09:07,919
Maybe.

173
00:09:07,920 --> 00:09:10,319
Course they don't, Lola.

174
00:09:10,320 --> 00:09:12,959
I don't even look like
a successful prostitute!

175
00:09:12,960 --> 00:09:16,159
Oh, dear, dear. Don't cry.

176
00:09:16,160 --> 00:09:19,879
If you were a prostitute, I'm
sure you would be very successful.

177
00:09:19,880 --> 00:09:23,400
-Thanks, Lola. That makes me feel better.
-Mm.

178
00:09:24,800 --> 00:09:28,479
Hey, how's it going with
the old injectables?

179
00:09:28,480 --> 00:09:32,439
Oh, fantastic. I'm fully booked
up for the next couple of months.

180
00:09:32,440 --> 00:09:35,839
I am so happy I did that
half-hour online course in Botox

181
00:09:35,840 --> 00:09:39,519
-from the University of North Korea.
-It's really paid off, hasn't it?

182
00:09:39,520 --> 00:09:41,839
Actually, Mandy, you
couldn't do me a favour?

183
00:09:41,840 --> 00:09:44,119
I need to pick up a new
batch of injectables

184
00:09:44,120 --> 00:09:47,799
but I don't want to leave the
salon in case I miss new bookings.

185
00:09:47,800 --> 00:09:49,959
Please can you man the
desk? I won't be long.

186
00:09:49,960 --> 00:09:52,679
-Yeah, no worries.
-Thank you, Mandy.

187
00:09:52,680 --> 00:09:55,400
-What a responsibility.
-I won't be long.

188
00:09:57,720 --> 00:10:03,639
SOMBRE MUSIC FROM THE APPRENTICE

189
00:10:03,640 --> 00:10:06,720
I need 2,000 pallets of
acrylic nails sent ASAP.

190
00:10:08,920 --> 00:10:13,039
Actually, make that 4,000 and as
much Minty Pig as you can carry.

191
00:10:13,040 --> 00:10:14,879
SHOP BELL JANGLES

192
00:10:14,880 --> 00:10:18,879
-Hello! - Oh, hello.
-I was just passing and I saw you do injectables.

193
00:10:18,880 --> 00:10:20,919
I was wondering if
you could fit me in.

194
00:10:20,920 --> 00:10:24,959
Uh, no. Sorry. We're fully booked
for the next couple of months.

195
00:10:24,960 --> 00:10:28,599
Oh, that's a shame. I just
wanted to look a bit fresher.

196
00:10:28,600 --> 00:10:30,759
I've got a wedding this weekend.

197
00:10:30,760 --> 00:10:32,960
You look dead familiar.
Do we know each other?

198
00:10:38,520 --> 00:10:42,559
-Mandy, Mandy Carter.
-Janice Brogan.

199
00:10:42,560 --> 00:10:44,479
Haven't seen you since
secondary school.

200
00:10:44,480 --> 00:10:46,639
It's been a long time.
What you been up to?

201
00:10:46,640 --> 00:10:51,039
Well... obviously, I run
a successful business now.

202
00:10:51,040 --> 00:10:53,599
-It's yours?
-Yeah.

203
00:10:53,600 --> 00:10:57,039
-Been here 20 years.
-Why's it called Lola's?

204
00:10:57,040 --> 00:11:01,159
Because the woman who owned
it before me was called Lola,

205
00:11:01,160 --> 00:11:05,039
and I haven't got round
to changing the sign yet.

206
00:11:05,040 --> 00:11:09,199
-Must have been very busy.
-Yes, I have. I have, actually.

207
00:11:09,200 --> 00:11:11,559
Well, I'm amazed.

208
00:11:11,560 --> 00:11:14,199
We always thought you were
a right dickhead in school.

209
00:11:14,200 --> 00:11:17,519
Yeah, you made that very clear.
You made my life a living hell.

210
00:11:17,520 --> 00:11:19,759
Oh, don't be ridiculous.
It was just banter.

211
00:11:19,760 --> 00:11:23,719
-I've got mental health cos of you.
-Oh, shush. It was a long time ago.

212
00:11:23,720 --> 00:11:26,999
LAUGHING: - I mean, I can
barely even remember it!

213
00:11:27,000 --> 00:11:28,279
What do you do now?

214
00:11:28,280 --> 00:11:32,159
Oh, I'm head of Apple UK.

215
00:11:32,160 --> 00:11:34,639
-Never heard of 'em.
-Well, it's a shame you can't fit me in.

216
00:11:34,640 --> 00:11:37,919
-I'm just going...
-Oh, no, listen, um, as you're an old friend

217
00:11:37,920 --> 00:11:40,839
and I have got a few minutes
before my next client,

218
00:11:40,840 --> 00:11:44,679
I could fit you in for some
Botox. Take ten years off you.

219
00:11:44,680 --> 00:11:48,279
-Oh, that's fantastic.
-Yeah. Mate's rates, 300 quid.

220
00:11:48,280 --> 00:11:51,799
But my card machine's up the spout,
so it's cash only, I'm afraid.

221
00:11:51,800 --> 00:11:54,440
You're very lucky, I always
carry some loose change with me.

222
00:11:56,120 --> 00:11:58,400
-Take a seat over there.
-Thank you.

223
00:12:16,640 --> 00:12:18,479
Ooh!

224
00:12:18,480 --> 00:12:20,199
Right, just relax.

225
00:12:20,200 --> 00:12:22,759
Now, you might feel
a bit of a prick.

226
00:12:22,760 --> 00:12:23,920
Ah!

227
00:12:25,320 --> 00:12:27,599
-Is it meant to burn?
-Yeah.

228
00:12:27,600 --> 00:12:29,920
SHE WHIMPERS

229
00:12:39,400 --> 00:12:41,439
-Back again.
-Fuck off!

230
00:12:41,440 --> 00:12:44,679
Have you been saving up your
pennies for that jacket?

231
00:12:44,680 --> 00:12:46,919
I've got the money. Don't
you worry about that.

232
00:12:46,920 --> 00:12:49,440
-I'd like these, please.
-Oh.

233
00:12:51,200 --> 00:12:55,359
That's £1,320.

234
00:12:55,360 --> 00:12:58,639
That's a lot. What if I want
to bring something back?

235
00:12:58,640 --> 00:13:00,399
No refunds, I'm afraid.

236
00:13:00,400 --> 00:13:04,959
-What, not even if a button comes off?
-No refunds. That's our policy.

237
00:13:04,960 --> 00:13:06,279
SHE EXHALES

238
00:13:06,280 --> 00:13:09,039
Whoa, hold your
horses there a moment.

239
00:13:09,040 --> 00:13:10,919
Under the Consumer
Rights Act 2015,

240
00:13:10,920 --> 00:13:13,359
if an item is faulty and
it's returned within 30 days

241
00:13:13,360 --> 00:13:15,239
with valid proof of purchase,

242
00:13:15,240 --> 00:13:19,039
you LEGALLY have to
give a full refund.

243
00:13:19,040 --> 00:13:23,519
I see. Well, can I take an
email address for the receipt?

244
00:13:23,520 --> 00:13:26,279
Just give me a paper
receipt, you dirty wet wipe.

245
00:13:26,280 --> 00:13:29,799
Yeah, just give her a paper
receipt - you dirty wet wipe!

246
00:13:29,800 --> 00:13:32,319
Mandy Carter!

247
00:13:32,320 --> 00:13:34,319
You messed up my
face with your Botox!

248
00:13:34,320 --> 00:13:36,079
I look like Dr fucking Spock!

249
00:13:36,080 --> 00:13:38,199
-They'll come down!
-You're a moron.

250
00:13:38,200 --> 00:13:40,559
I want that 300 quid back I
gave you for the treatment.

251
00:13:40,560 --> 00:13:42,239
Well, you can't have
it. I've just spent it.

252
00:13:42,240 --> 00:13:44,879
-Ooh, do you have a receipt?
-No! I paid cash!

253
00:13:44,880 --> 00:13:46,879
Without a receipt, it's
going to be quite difficult

254
00:13:46,880 --> 00:13:49,199
for you to prove you've got
any legitimate consumer rights.

255
00:13:49,200 --> 00:13:52,400
-There's not much you can do.
-Well, there's one thing I can do, Martin.

256
00:13:53,680 --> 00:13:55,560
BELL DINGS

257
00:13:56,680 --> 00:13:59,839
...and that's why, Paul, it
probably would be a setback

258
00:13:59,840 --> 00:14:02,599
to employment prospects if you
took a knife into the interview,

259
00:14:02,600 --> 00:14:06,079
particularly a second interview.
That goes for all of you.

260
00:14:06,080 --> 00:14:07,559
DOOR CREAKS

261
00:14:07,560 --> 00:14:09,559
MUSIC: Oh, Pretty
Woman by Roy Orbison

262
00:14:09,560 --> 00:14:12,519
Ah, look who's
back. Mandy Carter.

263
00:14:12,520 --> 00:14:14,799
Well, I'm glad you've
returned because, as you know,

264
00:14:14,800 --> 00:14:17,239
the only valid excuse for
non-attendance is, of course...

265
00:14:17,240 --> 00:14:19,519
Serious health issues.

266
00:14:19,520 --> 00:14:21,600
Don't look like a
prozzie now, do I?

267
00:14:24,080 --> 00:14:26,480
I mean, she does look
a bit like a prozzie.

268
00:14:27,480 --> 00:14:29,359
♪ Pretty woman

269
00:14:29,360 --> 00:14:31,159
♪ Walking down the street

270
00:14:31,160 --> 00:14:32,999
♪ Pretty woman

271
00:14:33,000 --> 00:14:35,039
♪ The kind I'd like to meet

272
00:14:35,040 --> 00:14:37,559
♪ Pretty woman

273
00:14:37,560 --> 00:14:41,359
♪ I don't believe you
You're not the truth

274
00:14:41,360 --> 00:14:45,920
♪ No-one could
look as good as you

275
00:14:47,680 --> 00:14:49,000
♪ Mercy!

276
00:14:53,000 --> 00:14:56,799
♪ Pretty woman,
won't you pardon me?

277
00:14:56,800 --> 00:14:58,319
♪ Pretty woman

278
00:14:58,320 --> 00:15:00,519
♪ I couldn't help but see

279
00:15:00,520 --> 00:15:01,960
♪ Pretty woman

280
00:15:03,120 --> 00:15:07,159
♪ That you look lovely as can be

281
00:15:07,160 --> 00:15:09,960
♪ Are you lonely just like me? ♪

281
00:15:10,305 --> 00:16:10,200
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