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This programme contains
strong language.

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♪ Oh, Mandy, well, you came
and you gave without taking

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♪ But I sent you away, oh, Mandy

4
00:00:12,400 --> 00:00:17,079
♪ Well, you kissed me and
stopped me from shaking

5
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♪ And I need you today

6
00:00:19,760 --> 00:00:21,400
♪ Oh, Mandy... ♪

7
00:00:22,560 --> 00:00:27,079
Well, well, well. Mandy Carter.
Wonderful to see you again.

8
00:00:27,080 --> 00:00:28,919
So you did get my invitation?

9
00:00:28,920 --> 00:00:32,799
Invitation? It's hardly a cheese
and fucking wine evening, is it?

10
00:00:32,800 --> 00:00:35,039
It's not what I
call an invitation!

11
00:00:35,040 --> 00:00:37,319
There's no RSV-fucking-P.

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It's a brown envelope with the words
"Important, do not throw away" on it

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and a letter that says I
have to attend an interview

14
00:00:43,080 --> 00:00:45,839
or my benefits might be
affected, in big black letters!

15
00:00:45,840 --> 00:00:48,999
Not exactly an invite to the
Governor's fucking Ball, is it?!

16
00:00:49,000 --> 00:00:51,359
But yet here I am.

17
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Have I missed the vol-au-vents, or
is the butler bringing those round?

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OK, Mandy, as you know,
I have a statutory duty

19
00:00:58,680 --> 00:01:01,239
to check on the status of
long-term benefits claimants

20
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to see if there's something
that is preventing them

21
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from achieving success in
the national job marketplace.

22
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-Or whether they're just taking the mickey.
-And... No.

23
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And whether we need to devise a
get-back-to-work plan for them.

24
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Yeah, yeah, I've got a
get-back-to-work plan for YOU!

25
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Why don't YOU get back to work

26
00:01:17,160 --> 00:01:19,599
instead of calling me in
here every week and making me

27
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-Miss Bridge Of Lies with Ross Kemp?
-I don't know what that is.

28
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I just don't see why we
have to keep up this fiasco.

29
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Unless...

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-What?
-Unless you like me coming in here.

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-Oh, God. - Is that it?
-No. - No? - No.

32
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Do you think you might stand a
chance with little old Mandy Carter,

33
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-yeah, is that it?
-No, Mandy, that's... That's not a thing.

34
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-Isn't it?
-No.

35
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Isn't it?

36
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-No.
-Sometimes it's like I can feel those little beady eyes

37
00:01:53,560 --> 00:01:55,600
of yours burning into me...

38
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...mentally undressing me.

39
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-You're doing it now.
-No. I'm not.

40
00:02:01,480 --> 00:02:04,439
And that's a very serious
accusation, actually, Mandy.

41
00:02:04,440 --> 00:02:06,999
And it's legally incumbent
upon me to ask whether or not

42
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-you'd like to register a formal complaint.
-Nah.

43
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I mean, you're only
human, aren't you?

44
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And I can't be bothered
with all the forms.

45
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But it all goes in up 'ere,
for when the time is right

46
00:02:17,240 --> 00:02:20,159
and BBC News want to get out of the
house and investigate some perverts

47
00:02:20,160 --> 00:02:22,719
who don't work in the building.

48
00:02:22,720 --> 00:02:25,559
Come on, then, let's
get this over with.

49
00:02:25,560 --> 00:02:29,919
Right. OK, well, looking at your
recent employment history, Mandy...

50
00:02:29,920 --> 00:02:32,279
I mean, what happened
with the waitressing job?

51
00:02:32,280 --> 00:02:33,559
That was an
up-market restaurant.

52
00:02:33,560 --> 00:02:35,799
I had to pull a lot of
strings to get you that.

53
00:02:35,800 --> 00:02:38,719
And you lasted all
of... 23 minutes.

54
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Apparently there was an incident
with a bottle of champagne.

55
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CORK POPS

56
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Agh!

57
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I've only ever seen
champagne in the Formula 1.

58
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-I thought that was how you served it.
-One man lost an eye.

59
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I mean, this is serious, Mandy.

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Not to mention the
dry-cleaning bill

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had to be paid for
out of your earnings,

62
00:03:00,440 --> 00:03:03,719
meaning that, incredibly, you
actually have less money now

63
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than when you started the job.
I mean, what's it going to take

64
00:03:06,440 --> 00:03:09,080
for you to find something that
you can actually stick with?

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Can you drive?

66
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-Why?
-Why? Because it would increase the amount of jobs

67
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-you can apply for, wouldn't it?
-Oh...

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00:03:19,520 --> 00:03:22,759
-So can you drive?
-Oh, um... a bit.

69
00:03:22,760 --> 00:03:25,759
-What does that mean?
-Well, I've had a few lessons a few years back,

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but my instructors were all
absolute tools, the lot of them.

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-But you did have some lessons?
-Yeah. 200 or 300.

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-200 or 300?
-Yeah.

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Not one of life's
natural drivers.

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-Right. OK. So, do you have a licence?
-No.

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Right. Well, that rules out a
lot of jobs, then, doesn't it?

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-Well, like what?
-Like... Like... Think about it.

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Like a delivery driver.
Like taxi driver.

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Driver. Mobile library.

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-There's an ice-cream van job going.
-Ice cream?

80
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Why didn't you just say that
straight off? I'll get my licence.

81
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Oh, OK. Good. There's a really
good place I can recommend, local.

82
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They can get anyone passed
within three weeks, they claim.

83
00:04:01,000 --> 00:04:03,999
-Three weeks? -Yeah.
-That job might be gone by then.

84
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-It probably will.
-Oh!

85
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Leave it with me.

86
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SHOP BELL JANGLES

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Mandy? What are you doing?
We don't want books in here.

88
00:04:19,920 --> 00:04:22,719
They are totally at odds
with the happy-go-lucky vibe

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-I'm trying to create.
-Been to the library.

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Got out all the books they had
on how to pass your driving test.

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00:04:27,640 --> 00:04:29,919
Highway Code, How To
Pass Your Driving Test,

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Driving Test For Dummies,
Driving Miss Daisy,

93
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Confessions Of A
Driving Instructor.

94
00:04:34,120 --> 00:04:36,119
You are really going
to learn to drive?

95
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Complete idiots do it.
How hard can it be?

96
00:04:39,080 --> 00:04:41,119
What is that on
your arm? Tattoos?

97
00:04:41,120 --> 00:04:44,159
Oh, no. It's, uh, braking
distances. I've got my theory later.

98
00:04:44,160 --> 00:04:45,999
Good luck, Mandy!

99
00:04:46,000 --> 00:04:49,120
-Would you like me to test you on road signs?
-No need.

100
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Got 'em all up my legs.

101
00:04:52,520 --> 00:04:54,879
Could do with a lift to
the test centre, though.

102
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Could be the last lift
you ever have to give me.

103
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-Name?
-Mandy Carter.

104
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-Is there anywhere I can get a cuppa soup while I wait?
-I'm afraid not.

105
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-Have you got anything to put in a locker?
-Locker?

106
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Why do I need a locker?
I'm here for a test,

107
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not 20 lengths of breast stroke.

108
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You have to put your
things into a locker

109
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just to make sure
you can't cheat.

110
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-I've got nothing.
-OK, well, great. Then you just need to be checked.

111
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-Checked? - Let me have a little look at your ears, please.
-Ears? Why?

112
00:05:25,920 --> 00:05:31,159
Some people try to put earpieces
in so that a friend can help them.

113
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-Dirty cheats.
-Yes.

114
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Yeah, people like that should
be banned from the roads.

115
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Ears.

116
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Now just roll up your
sleeves and trousers, please.

117
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SHE GULPS

118
00:05:44,920 --> 00:05:47,079
Sleeves and... Why?

119
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You're not going to believe
this, but some people actually

120
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try and write the answers
up their arms and legs.

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ALL LAUGH

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Uh-oh, Mandy!

123
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-How are you feeling?
-Not too great, actually.

124
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-Think I better go home.
-Oh, God, that's a crying shame.

125
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-You're going to have to get booked in for another time.
-Yeah.

126
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OK, well, no rush. You just leave
whenever you're feeling better.

127
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I'm going to head
back to reception.

128
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Oh, hang on. Um, cos
I just wanted to ask,

129
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um... how long does the
test... actually... take?

130
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Really good question.
It's about an hour.

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-About an hour? - Mm.
-Right. So, what, that's, like, 60...

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-...minutes... - Yeah.
-..then? - Yeah.

133
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-Yeah, it's about that.
-Yeah, all right, thanks for the tea, bye.

134
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Congratulations, Mandy. I'm pleased
to say you passed your theory.

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That's good, cos I've already
put in for my main test.

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-It's tomorrow. Hope the examiner's not too pernickety.
-Uh-huh.

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-Mandy Carter, ready for your test?
-Yeah. -Follow me, please.

138
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Well, you passed
the eyesight test.

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Yeah, seeing's no problem. Got
these big eyes like boiled eggs.

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Please pull away when
it is safe to do so.

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What are you writing?

142
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When you went to pull away, you
didn't look all the way around.

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I did.

144
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-Not all the way.
-I'm not a fucking owl, am I?

145
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-What are you writing now?
-None of your business.

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Well, it is my fucking business.

147
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"Very rude"?! You're
very fucking rude!

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That's it! I'm
terminating the test!

149
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Oh, no, please! Please! I'm sorry,
I overreacted. I'm sorry. I'm...

150
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I'm, uh... perimenopausal

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and I've got ADHD.

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OK, I understand. I'll
give you one last chance.

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Let's start again. Please pull
away when it is safe to do so.

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155
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On to the first
section of the test.

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Let's try an emergency
stop when I...

157
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Oh!

158
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-Not yet!
-You said "emergency stop"!

159
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Not yet. When I bang my
clipboard on the dashboard.

160
00:08:24,040 --> 00:08:26,480
Well, you did bang your
clipboard on the dashboard!

161
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Please pull away when
it is safe to do so.

162
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And we're off.

163
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I'd forgotten how much
fun driving can be.

164
00:08:42,240 --> 00:08:43,839
Is this a 50mph zone?

165
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20, Miss Carter. Slow down.

166
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TYRES SQUEAL

167
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What is wrong with you? I said
you need to go much slower.

168
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All right, keep your hair on!

169
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-Oh! You're an idiot!
-How fucking dare you?!

170
00:09:00,080 --> 00:09:02,399
I told you, you
need too slow down.

171
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All right! I mixed up the
brake with the accelerator!

172
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I beg your fucking pardon!
It's my first test!

173
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I'm not Nigel Mansell or
the fucking Stig, am I?!

174
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Keep your eyes on the road!

175
00:09:12,640 --> 00:09:15,640
-What are you doing?
-You were drifting! -I'll drift you!

176
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Turn those off!

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MUSIC PLAYS

178
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-That's the radio.
-Yeah, well, I can see that now, can't I?

179
00:09:23,120 --> 00:09:26,079
-Keep your eyes on the road!
-Don't you fucking touch me!

180
00:09:26,080 --> 00:09:28,479
-You are going to kill us!
-Get off!

181
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Stop the car! Stop the car!

182
00:09:33,160 --> 00:09:36,040
Right. Get out! I'll
drive from here.

183
00:09:39,520 --> 00:09:40,839
Good riddance.

184
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Ah...! Stop! My coat!

185
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SHE YELLS

186
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MUSIC DROWNS OUT YELLING

187
00:09:49,400 --> 00:09:51,559
Help! Somebody!

188
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SHE YELLS

189
00:09:53,200 --> 00:09:57,679
MUSIC DROWNS OUT YELLING

190
00:09:57,680 --> 00:10:00,800
Please, please, please,
please, I'm begging you!

191
00:10:06,920 --> 00:10:08,919
MUSIC OFF

192
00:10:08,920 --> 00:10:11,399
Oh, fucking hell.
What's happened to you?

193
00:10:11,400 --> 00:10:15,159
-You look awful.
-You tried to kill me.

194
00:10:15,160 --> 00:10:17,880
Sorry about that.
Let's start again.

195
00:10:23,160 --> 00:10:24,519
You're getting
blood on the seat.

196
00:10:24,520 --> 00:10:27,159
I think there's some
wet wipes in there.

197
00:10:27,160 --> 00:10:28,519
You are a lunatic!

198
00:10:28,520 --> 00:10:30,479
Argh! Get off!

199
00:10:30,480 --> 00:10:32,160
Get off!

200
00:10:34,040 --> 00:10:37,079
You fucking idiot! Get back!

201
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SHE SCREAMS

202
00:10:44,160 --> 00:10:45,319
Get back!

203
00:10:45,320 --> 00:10:46,640
I can't breathe!

204
00:10:48,200 --> 00:10:50,159
Get off!

205
00:10:50,160 --> 00:10:51,319
Oh!

206
00:10:51,320 --> 00:10:53,039
CAR ALARM WAILS

207
00:10:53,040 --> 00:10:56,040
Is that the end of the
test? Have I passed?

208
00:10:57,960 --> 00:11:03,239
I never want to
see you ever again.

209
00:11:03,240 --> 00:11:06,720
So... congratulations,
Mandy Carter!

210
00:11:08,120 --> 00:11:09,359
Yes!

211
00:11:09,360 --> 00:11:12,360
MUSICAL JINGLE PLAYS

212
00:11:29,960 --> 00:11:32,999
Hello? Hello? Is anyone there?

213
00:11:33,000 --> 00:11:34,920
Oh, fuck me. What now?

214
00:11:36,360 --> 00:11:38,319
Oh! What?

215
00:11:38,320 --> 00:11:40,799
-Can I have a 99?
-Please!

216
00:11:40,800 --> 00:11:43,960
-Can I have a 99, please?
-That's better.

217
00:11:48,120 --> 00:11:49,320
Oh...

218
00:11:52,040 --> 00:11:54,599
Run out of ice cream. Do
you still want the flake?

219
00:11:54,600 --> 00:11:56,360
Yes, please.

220
00:11:57,680 --> 00:11:59,959
Run out of flakes. Do
you still want the cone?

221
00:11:59,960 --> 00:12:02,719
-Yes, please.
-There you go.

222
00:12:02,720 --> 00:12:05,080
There's no ice cream in this.

223
00:12:15,640 --> 00:12:17,400
That's £1.50, please.

224
00:12:18,480 --> 00:12:20,520
MUSICAL JINGLE PLAYS

224
00:12:21,305 --> 00:13:21,571
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