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Watch Online Movies and Series for FREE
www.osdb.link/lm
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Tired of the same old you?
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Tired of being out of shape
and out of luck with the opposite sex?
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Tired of being overweight
and under-attractive?
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Yeah! Oh. Hello!
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I'm White Goodman...
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owner, operator and founder
of Globo Gym America Corp...
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and I'm here to tell ya that you don't
have to be stuck with what ya got.
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Hey, Rory. Looking good.
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Here at Globo Gym,
we understand that...
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"ugliness" and "fatness"
are genetic disorders...
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00:00:58,851 --> 00:01:01,229
much like baldness
or necrophilia...
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00:01:01,312 --> 00:01:05,358
and it's only your fault if you don't
hate yourself enough to do something about it.
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And that's where we come in.
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Globo Gym employs
a highly-trained...
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quasi-cultural staff of
personal alteration specialists.
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And with our competitively-priced
on-site cosmetic surgery...
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we can turn that Frankenstein
you see in the mirror every morning...
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into a Franken-fine!
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Of course, you'll still be you
in a legal sense...
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but think of it as a thinner,
more attractive, better you...
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than you could ever become
without us.
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How do I know? Well, I'm not only
the founder of Globo Gym.
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I'm also a client.
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{\an8}That's me six years
and 600 pounds ago...
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before I knew
how much I hated myself.
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That all changed once I founded Globo Gym.
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But don't just take
my word for it.
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Listen to these Globo Gymers
tell you how it is.
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Mmm.
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That feels good.
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Oh, that tickle machine.
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Crash, no!
Crash, out! Bad dog!
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No grundle.
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Come on down and join the winning team.
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Because here at Globo Gym,
we're better than you...
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and we know it!
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Spare me.
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Mr. La Fleur, this is Doris
from the Department of Water and Power.
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We've been trying to reach you for some
time now, but your phone was disconnected.
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I'm calling to inform you that we'll be
shutting off your water and power...
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at 5:00 p.m. today due to
an eight-month-overdue account.
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Thank you, and have a nice day.
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This is Seth from Videorama.
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The following DVDs
are now overdue:
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Drunken Hussies 3, Backdoor Patrol 5
and Mona Lisa Smile.
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Thank you.
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Come on, baby. Be there. Be there.
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It's gonna be a good day.
I'm proud of you.
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We're just around the corner.
My gym's right here.
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{\an8}I promise.
We're almost there.
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{\an8}Here we go.
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{\an8}You guys are lifesavers.
I appreciate the effort.
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Don't pull a hammy over it.
Perfect.
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Give me that garbage.
Shouldn't you be on the treadmill?
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- Buenas días, O.
- Hey, Peter.
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- How's my little tax shelter this morning?
- Everything's shipshape.
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{\an8}Don't hold out on me.
What's happening?
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{\an8}Well, it's just...
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- I'm trying this new voice mail
dating thing, you know.
- Right.
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And, like, no one's even left me a message,
and it's been almost two months.
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Well, keep your chin up.
There's someone out there for everybody.
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- You think?
- Absolutely.
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You know, in some cases, there's two
somebodies for one person.
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I like to call that the jackpot.
See ya later, dater.
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{\an8}- Hey, Peter!
- Hey, Gordon.
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Hey, buddy. I'm really wailin'
on my glutes this morning.
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{\an8}- Sounds great, Gord.
- Yeah, I'm gonna shock the biceps later.
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{\an8}Finish up with some cardio. You know,
change it up, keep the body guessing.
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- That's always been my approach.
I like to keep my body guessing.
- Sure. That's right.
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Hey, I wanted to ask you something.
You catch the game last night?
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- Can I say yes to you?
- Amateur Curling Championships on ESPN 8.
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- I had no idea.
- You missed a doozy. Really great stuff.
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I feel dumb for asking this, but how
do you hear about these things?
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- O.S.Q. Obscure Sports Quarterly.
- Of course, the O.S.Q.
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- Started reading it in college,
you know, for the chicks.
- Glad that worked out for you.
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- Thanks very much. Bye-bye.
- My pleasure.
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- Love the orange and love the headphones.
- Thank you very much, Pete.
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- When I come back, I wanna
see you on a different machine.
- You got it, buddy!
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{\an8}Get this— Ow! Ow!
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{\an8}- You need a spot?
- I'm cool, Pete. Hey.
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Okay, come on.
Let's get this out of here.
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You okay? You're like a human
Chinese puzzle.
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- Here. And we're not gonna get hurt.
- Thanks, Pete.
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What are you doin' with all
that weight anyway? It's dangerous.
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It'll be worth it when I
make the cheerleading squad this time...
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prove to Amber and everyone else
that I'm not a loser.
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Okay, hang on a second.
You wanna become a cheerleader...
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to prove to a girl that
you are not a loser?
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Yeah. What?
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Nothing. Just high school's changed
a little bit since I was a kid.
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Plus, all anyone
ever remembers...
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is what happened
at last year's tryouts.
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I'm the laughingstock
of the school.
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I'm sure it's not that big of a deal.
What happened at last year's tryouts?
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Justin Redman,
ready and super-psyched!
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00:06:01,237 --> 00:06:04,865
- Hey, Amber.
- Hi, Justin. Good luck.
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Uh, good luck to you
making, uh, your judgments.
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And from the girls' line,
we need girl number...
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double zero,
Martha Johnstone.
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- Whoo!
- Aah!
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Whoo!
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Whoo!
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Toss to hands,
liberty and cradle out, okay?
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I'm not wearing
any panties.
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Ready?
One, two.
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Liberty, ready?
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Dude!
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- Wow.
- Yeah.
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- It was the worst.
- Look, Justin.
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Don't worry so much about this Amber situation.
It'll all work itself out in the end.
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- Thanks, Pete.
- You'll laugh at this one day. I'm laughing already.
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Go at your own pace.
That's what it's there for.
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Ow!
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- Who goes there?
- It's me. It's Peter. It's Peter.
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- Oi, Peter.
- Yeah.
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Oh!
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{\an8}'Tis about the matter
of payment for me membership.
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Steve be a touch short
this month.
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That's all right, Steve.
Just pay me when you get the money.
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The dread pirate Steve
be in no man's debt.
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I'll make a barter with you
true as the North Star.
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- Right.
- In exchange for your kindness...
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I'll be splittin'
me buried treasure with you.
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Once I find it, that be.
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That's not gonna be necessary.
I'm flattered by the gesture...
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but honestly just, you know, a couple bucks
here and there, I think we'll be fine.
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- Thanks, Peter. I'll be on the StairMaster.
- Okay, Steve.
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Next time, maybe just
say hello, that's all.
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Okay.
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{\an8}- Hello.
- Oh.
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00:08:07,613 --> 00:08:10,991
It's actually not my birthday
till next month, but terrific.
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I'm so sorry. Hi. I'm Katherine Veatch
with Hawthorne Stone.
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Oh.
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00:08:16,955 --> 00:08:20,459
- Your bank.
- Right. My bank.
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Well, you are very attractive
for a banker.
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- Thank you. I'm not a banker. I'm a lawyer.
- Really?
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And what kind of law
are you involved in, pretty eyes?
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Sexual harassment, mostly.
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00:08:30,094 --> 00:08:32,221
- Oh.
- But I also handle...
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real estate and tax law,
which is why I'm here.
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- Hang on a second. You're saying
this place here is in default?
- No. You're in foreclosure.
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You were in default during the six months
we sent you delinquency notices.
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- I thought that those were just warnings.
- They were warnings.
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Well, no one warned me.
So what happens now?
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I just pretty much make my payments
out to somebody else?
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It means you have 30 days to pay off
the balance of your mortgage...
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00:08:52,950 --> 00:08:55,035
or you lose your gym.
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Perfect. What's the damage?
What do I owe you?
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Fifty thousand dollars.
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00:09:01,709 --> 00:09:04,795
Personal check gonna be okay? Might
have to wait till the end of the month...
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00:09:04,878 --> 00:09:08,215
to go ahead and cash her, because I do
have to switch some funds around.
153
00:09:08,298 --> 00:09:10,777
Unfortunately, the charity I like
to work with is gonna take a hit.
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Mr. La Fleur, I can assure you
this is a very serious situation.
155
00:09:14,638 --> 00:09:18,225
Yeah. No, I— This is extremely serious,
Mrs., uh, Veatch.
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00:09:18,308 --> 00:09:21,353
It's Ms. I'm gonna need to review
all of your financial statements...
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00:09:21,437 --> 00:09:24,898
- and assess any tax liabilities there may be.
- Absolutely.
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00:09:24,982 --> 00:09:26,793
I don't know how you say Ms. for a Mr.,
'cause it's just Mr...
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00:09:26,817 --> 00:09:29,403
but if there was a Ms. Mr.,
I'm a— I'm a Ms. as well.
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00:09:29,486 --> 00:09:32,364
You do keep financial records,
don't you?
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00:09:32,448 --> 00:09:34,992
- Invoices, revenue reports, taxable income?
- You kidding me?
162
00:09:35,075 --> 00:09:36,744
- I got a whole closet full.
- Here?
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00:09:36,827 --> 00:09:38,954
Yeah. I call 'em keepers.
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Problem is that
I've never really filed them.
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No kidding.
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Just out of curiosity, who would
wanna buy this place anyway?
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00:09:50,090 --> 00:09:52,760
Come on. Come on. Squeeze it. Squeeze it.
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00:09:52,843 --> 00:09:57,097
Squeeze it. Yeah. Come on. Come on.
Get it up. Get it up, get it up, get it up.
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Come on. One more, bitch!
One more, bitch!
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Yeah, bitch! Yeah!
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00:10:02,352 --> 00:10:04,897
- Yeah!
- Now you're my bitch!
172
00:10:04,980 --> 00:10:07,107
Yeah!
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00:10:07,191 --> 00:10:09,610
Whoo!
Yeah, baby!
174
00:10:09,693 --> 00:10:15,240
Involuntary spasm. Look at—
Look at the show! Enjoy the show!
175
00:10:15,324 --> 00:10:18,619
- Whoo!
- Is this a bad time? I could always come back.
176
00:10:18,702 --> 00:10:20,954
Looks like some real
dude sweat going on.
177
00:10:21,038 --> 00:10:23,433
Add three pounds to the scales in the women's
locker room before you go home.
178
00:10:23,457 --> 00:10:26,210
- Yes, sir.
- Refreshment?
179
00:10:26,293 --> 00:10:30,047
I've got protein paste,
carb laxative.
180
00:10:30,130 --> 00:10:32,132
Oh!
Suffocated kumquat, perhaps?
181
00:10:32,216 --> 00:10:34,510
No, thank you. I'm actually
trying to cut down on those.
182
00:10:34,593 --> 00:10:38,263
- They're good. They are good.
- I know what you mean. Walk with me.
183
00:10:42,601 --> 00:10:45,979
- Hey, Briana. Cellulite seminar tomorrow, 0600.
- Sounds great.
184
00:10:46,063 --> 00:10:50,359
Nice job, Suzie.
You call that a sit-up?
185
00:10:50,442 --> 00:10:52,778
Don't slack, Trevor.
I'm watching you.
186
00:10:52,861 --> 00:10:54,863
There's a good energy
in the gym.
187
00:10:54,947 --> 00:10:56,949
Let me guess
why you're here, Pete.
188
00:10:57,032 --> 00:10:59,827
You're here because I bought
out the second mortgage on your gym...
189
00:10:59,910 --> 00:11:02,663
and you've got 30 days
to make $50,000...
190
00:11:02,746 --> 00:11:04,873
or your gym
becomes my gym.
191
00:11:04,957 --> 00:11:07,268
Look, White, I know that
we've had our differences in the past—
192
00:11:07,292 --> 00:11:11,129
Differences? Is that what you call
sleeping with three of my female trainers?
193
00:11:11,213 --> 00:11:13,525
- It was one night.
- Or how about that strip-o-gram you sent me...
194
00:11:13,549 --> 00:11:15,759
for the Globo Gym
one-year anniversary?
195
00:11:15,843 --> 00:11:19,221
- The stripper was meant to be congratulatory.
- It was also a man.
196
00:11:19,304 --> 00:11:21,473
Let's not get hung up
on details here, okay?
197
00:11:21,557 --> 00:11:24,226
- Look, we're both professionals.
- Oh, really? Professionals?
198
00:11:24,309 --> 00:11:27,396
Last I heard, my gym makes money.
Yours doesn't.
199
00:11:27,479 --> 00:11:31,316
My gym's worth over four million dollars.
Your gym isn't worth four.
200
00:11:31,400 --> 00:11:35,779
I have shareholders.
You haven't even got... cup holders.
201
00:11:35,863 --> 00:11:38,198
- Why would I want cup holders?
- The point is...
202
00:11:38,282 --> 00:11:41,326
Globo Gym is a beacon
of human physical perfection.
203
00:11:41,410 --> 00:11:43,495
A benchmark
in the fitness community.
204
00:11:43,579 --> 00:11:48,542
Your gym is a skid mark
on the underpants of society.
205
00:11:48,625 --> 00:11:53,297
You see, Peter, I wasn't born
expecting the world to do me any favors.
206
00:11:53,380 --> 00:11:56,508
I earned this body
and I built this temple...
207
00:11:56,592 --> 00:12:00,387
out of nothing more than a little
"can do" attitude and some elbow grease.
208
00:12:00,470 --> 00:12:03,223
And, yes, a large inheritance
from my father, Earl Goodman.
209
00:12:03,307 --> 00:12:05,601
So if I choose
to level Average Joe's...
210
00:12:05,684 --> 00:12:09,438
to build a new auxiliary parking structure
for my members, so be it.
211
00:12:09,521 --> 00:12:12,024
There's nothing
you can do about it.
212
00:12:12,107 --> 00:12:14,610
In 30 days, I'll be bulldozing
that shit heap you call a gym...
213
00:12:14,693 --> 00:12:16,945
into permanent nothingness.
214
00:12:17,029 --> 00:12:20,574
And I can only hope that
you and the mongrel race...
215
00:12:20,657 --> 00:12:23,827
that comprise your membership
are inside it when I do.
216
00:12:25,203 --> 00:12:28,081
Show Mr. La Fleur out.
217
00:12:28,165 --> 00:12:30,417
Turn it up high, Reggie.
218
00:12:31,752 --> 00:12:34,630
I wanna burn!
219
00:12:34,713 --> 00:12:36,715
So that's the deal.
220
00:12:36,798 --> 00:12:40,469
We got 30 days to raise $50,000,
or Average Joe's is history.
221
00:12:40,552 --> 00:12:43,055
Now, I got 10 minutes.
I'll open it up to some "Q" and "A."
222
00:12:43,138 --> 00:12:46,600
You don't have to raise your hands.
It's more of an open forum.
223
00:12:46,683 --> 00:12:49,519
- But, yeah, okay, Owen. Kick us off.
- Uh, yes, Peter.
224
00:12:49,603 --> 00:12:52,356
And I'm just spitballin' here...
225
00:12:52,439 --> 00:12:56,068
but why don't we pay it off in Canadian
dollars and save ourselves some money?
226
00:12:56,151 --> 00:12:58,028
All right, just so you know...
227
00:12:58,111 --> 00:13:00,298
if that's a route that you're interested
in traveling...
228
00:13:00,322 --> 00:13:04,576
it's $50,000 American, it would be 70,000
roughly Canadian dollars.
229
00:13:04,660 --> 00:13:07,287
How are we gonna
come up with $120,000?
230
00:13:07,371 --> 00:13:09,623
Owen, no, no.
You don't add 'em together.
231
00:13:09,706 --> 00:13:14,044
And technically, Peter, I'm sorry
to say this, but it's more like $73,313.
232
00:13:14,127 --> 00:13:17,089
Look, it doesn't matter.
We can't come up with $50,000.
233
00:13:17,172 --> 00:13:19,758
- We're screwed.
- Garr!
234
00:13:19,841 --> 00:13:21,843
It seems to me an insurmountable
amount of money.
235
00:13:21,927 --> 00:13:25,263
No, it's not insurmountable.
Come on. Come on.
236
00:13:25,347 --> 00:13:28,266
We can't just sit back and
let Globo Gym take us over.
237
00:13:28,350 --> 00:13:31,520
Average Joe's
is too important.
238
00:13:31,603 --> 00:13:33,843
Gordon, where do you go
when your wife changes the locks?
239
00:13:33,897 --> 00:13:36,400
- Average Joe's.
- Right.
240
00:13:36,483 --> 00:13:38,878
Dwight, Owen, what are you guys
gonna do if Joe's goes under?
241
00:13:38,902 --> 00:13:41,530
- Work at the airport again?
- I ain't workin' no airport again.
242
00:13:41,613 --> 00:13:44,866
No, 'cause you hated it.
243
00:13:44,950 --> 00:13:48,120
And, Steve, where do you go to do
whatever is it that you do?
244
00:13:48,203 --> 00:13:51,373
Garr. Joe's be
the only place for Steve.
245
00:13:51,456 --> 00:13:54,543
Garr! You're right!
Do you see?
246
00:13:54,626 --> 00:13:57,879
And I'll tell you, there's no way I can go
back to working out at my high school.
247
00:13:57,963 --> 00:14:00,108
It's just they'd laugh at me there,
lock me in lockers...
248
00:14:00,132 --> 00:14:02,134
make me eat clay.
249
00:14:02,217 --> 00:14:04,720
But not here.
Not at Joe's.
250
00:14:04,803 --> 00:14:07,931
I need this place.
You guys need this place.
251
00:14:08,015 --> 00:14:10,976
Come on!
252
00:14:11,059 --> 00:14:14,980
I got it! I know how
we can raise the money.
253
00:14:15,063 --> 00:14:17,649
- How?
- Car wash!
254
00:14:17,733 --> 00:14:19,526
Ha-ha-ha!
255
00:14:19,609 --> 00:14:22,195
♪ My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard ♪
256
00:14:22,279 --> 00:14:24,364
♪ And they're like
it's better than yours ♪
257
00:14:24,448 --> 00:14:26,366
♪ Damn right
It's better than yours ♪
258
00:14:26,450 --> 00:14:28,577
♪ I could teach you
But I have to charge ♪
259
00:14:28,660 --> 00:14:30,620
♪ My milkshake brings
all the boys to the yard ♪♪
260
00:14:33,665 --> 00:14:37,753
I mean, what are the chances?
Same day, right across the street?
261
00:14:37,836 --> 00:14:39,755
Come on. The girls
beat us fair and square.
262
00:14:39,838 --> 00:14:43,050
Now, I for one am gonna be
a gentleman about it and go over there...
263
00:14:43,133 --> 00:14:45,293
and congratulate each
and every one of them personally.
264
00:14:45,343 --> 00:14:47,054
- Hi, purple.
- Uh, guys?
265
00:14:47,137 --> 00:14:49,806
Guys? Uh, not to be
a naysayer or anything...
266
00:14:49,890 --> 00:14:53,685
but the only customer we've had is that weird
guy who keeps paying Justin to wash his truck.
267
00:14:59,316 --> 00:15:01,359
That's it, boy.
268
00:15:01,443 --> 00:15:05,113
Get in there nice and deep-like.
269
00:15:05,197 --> 00:15:08,742
Yeah, that's not good.
270
00:15:08,825 --> 00:15:10,494
Garr, this sucks!
271
00:15:22,172 --> 00:15:25,717
Relax, Justin.
It's just a cutout.
272
00:15:25,801 --> 00:15:29,179
At Globo Gym we're better than you,
and we know it.
273
00:15:29,262 --> 00:15:32,224
Sign up now.
274
00:15:32,307 --> 00:15:34,559
Do you smell that fitness?
I do.
275
00:15:34,643 --> 00:15:37,104
Rock it and shock it, baby.
276
00:15:37,187 --> 00:15:40,107
- You gotta burn it to earn it!
- What's in the envelope?
277
00:15:40,190 --> 00:15:43,276
Free 30-day trial memberships
to Globo Gym.
278
00:15:43,360 --> 00:15:47,197
- Cool.
- It's a joke, Owen. He sent it to us as an insult.
279
00:15:47,280 --> 00:15:51,284
Maybe we could sell 'em for cash,
'cause the car wash actually cost us money.
280
00:15:51,368 --> 00:15:54,287
- So we're further away from saving this place?
- Afraid so.
281
00:15:54,371 --> 00:15:56,665
- We're never gonna raise enough money.
- This blows.
282
00:15:56,748 --> 00:15:58,959
Guys, I know
this is tough to take...
283
00:15:59,042 --> 00:16:03,380
but if an impromptu car wash doesn't raise us
the $50,000 we need to save this place...
284
00:16:03,463 --> 00:16:05,090
then I guess
it just isn't in the cards.
285
00:16:05,173 --> 00:16:06,800
Trust me here.
286
00:16:06,883 --> 00:16:08,927
If there was any way,
any way in the world...
287
00:16:09,010 --> 00:16:13,431
we could've raised $50,000 in 30 days
short of robbing a bank, I'd do it.
288
00:16:13,515 --> 00:16:15,475
We could sell blood and semen.
289
00:16:15,559 --> 00:16:18,311
- Garr!
- What? Not mixed together.
290
00:16:18,395 --> 00:16:22,232
Look, guys, I love the enthusiasm.
I love the energy here.
291
00:16:22,315 --> 00:16:24,252
But we're looking at
this thing here the wrong way.
292
00:16:24,276 --> 00:16:27,362
Let's start to celebrate
the good times that was Joe's.
293
00:16:27,445 --> 00:16:30,407
We gotta start looking at this
Irish-wake style.
294
00:16:33,243 --> 00:16:37,497
Let me be the first to say good-bye
to Average Joe's.
295
00:16:37,581 --> 00:16:41,585
We gave it a hell of a run, guys.
Now, let's try to have some fun.
296
00:16:41,668 --> 00:16:44,671
I'm gonna go put on "The Thong Song,"
and we'll tear this place apart.
297
00:16:44,754 --> 00:16:48,133
Wait! Wait!
Peter! Peter!
298
00:16:48,216 --> 00:16:50,468
We could play dodgeball.
299
00:16:50,552 --> 00:16:53,180
That's very nice, Gordon,
but I just think everyone's tired.
300
00:16:53,263 --> 00:16:55,223
I really don't think
playing a game's gonna help.
301
00:16:55,307 --> 00:16:57,475
No, no, we—
we could play dodgeball.
302
00:16:57,559 --> 00:17:01,104
There's a tournament in Las Vegas.
I feel so dumb I didn't think about it before.
303
00:17:01,188 --> 00:17:03,648
I read about the Las Vegas
International Dodgeball Open...
304
00:17:03,732 --> 00:17:06,443
every single year
in Obscure Sports Quarterly.
305
00:17:06,526 --> 00:17:09,088
Of course. I mean, that's a very-very
common, totally common thing.
306
00:17:09,112 --> 00:17:13,491
And the best part, it's open to any team
that wins a regional qualifying match.
307
00:17:13,575 --> 00:17:17,579
How the hell is dodgeball gonna get us
the $50,000 we need to save this place?
308
00:17:17,662 --> 00:17:19,932
- 'Cause they have a cash prize
for the first-place winner.
- How much?
309
00:17:19,956 --> 00:17:22,459
$50,000!
310
00:17:22,542 --> 00:17:25,670
Guys, we are not gonna get
$50,000 for playing dodgeball.
311
00:17:25,754 --> 00:17:28,965
- Why not?
- First of all, none of us even
know how to play dodgeball.
312
00:17:29,049 --> 00:17:31,551
I do. Yeah, we played it
in P.E. last year.
313
00:17:31,635 --> 00:17:33,637
They showed us this film
about it and everything.
314
00:17:33,720 --> 00:17:37,057
- Can you get your hands on that film?
- Sure, I guess.
315
00:17:37,140 --> 00:17:39,809
Guys, can we please try to be
serious here for just one second?
316
00:17:39,893 --> 00:17:42,187
You said anything we could do
to raise the money, right?
317
00:17:42,270 --> 00:17:45,232
Well, this is that anything.
This is it right here!
318
00:17:45,315 --> 00:17:48,693
Come on, guys. Show of hands.
Who wants to play dodgeball?
319
00:17:48,777 --> 00:17:51,821
Come on!
320
00:17:54,032 --> 00:17:57,869
Come on, Pete.
321
00:17:57,953 --> 00:18:01,164
You guys had me
at blood and semen. Come here.
322
00:18:04,793 --> 00:18:07,963
You want it, don't you,
fat boy?
323
00:18:08,046 --> 00:18:12,842
You want that doughnut.
Go ahead and have a bite.
324
00:18:12,926 --> 00:18:16,846
Just a little bite.
One little bite won't hurt you.
325
00:18:22,060 --> 00:18:24,604
Oh, mama!
326
00:18:24,688 --> 00:18:26,690
Sir, Katherine Veatch
is here to see you.
327
00:18:26,773 --> 00:18:29,776
Give me 30 seconds, then send her in.
328
00:18:29,859 --> 00:18:31,361
Yes, sir.
329
00:18:47,252 --> 00:18:48,878
Thank you.
330
00:18:54,092 --> 00:18:56,136
Oh. Hello, Katherine.
331
00:18:56,219 --> 00:18:58,388
Good to see you.
I didn't know you were dropping by.
332
00:18:58,471 --> 00:19:00,390
You asked me to come over.
333
00:19:00,473 --> 00:19:03,143
Did I?
334
00:19:03,226 --> 00:19:06,062
Are you reading the dictionary?
335
00:19:07,856 --> 00:19:09,816
You caught me.
I like to break a mental sweat too.
336
00:19:09,899 --> 00:19:14,487
Grab a chair. So, I trust
everything's going swimmingly...
337
00:19:14,571 --> 00:19:17,699
with our acquisition
of Average Joe's?
338
00:19:17,782 --> 00:19:21,369
So far, yeah.
I mean, there's a lot...
339
00:19:21,453 --> 00:19:23,496
to do over there,
so I should probably get back.
340
00:19:23,580 --> 00:19:25,623
That is a really
interesting painting.
341
00:19:25,707 --> 00:19:30,545
Oh. Thank you. Yeah, that's, uh—
that's me taking the bull by the horns.
342
00:19:30,628 --> 00:19:34,382
That's how I handle my business.
It's a metaphor.
343
00:19:34,466 --> 00:19:37,594
- I get it.
- But that actually happened, though.
344
00:19:37,677 --> 00:19:41,681
Anyway, we're a pretty
tight-knit tribe here...
345
00:19:41,765 --> 00:19:44,684
but there's always room
for one more squaw.
346
00:19:44,768 --> 00:19:48,104
So please, whatever you do,
don't think of me as your boss.
347
00:19:48,188 --> 00:19:50,857
- Oh, I don't.
- I just don't wanna get into a formal thing here.
348
00:19:50,940 --> 00:19:54,903
I'm White, you know?
I'm White. W-H-I-T...
349
00:19:56,237 --> 00:19:58,365
E.
350
00:19:58,448 --> 00:20:01,368
Thanks, Mr. Goodman,
but I'm contracted by the bank.
351
00:20:01,451 --> 00:20:03,429
I mean, they just assigned me
to your account, that's all.
352
00:20:03,453 --> 00:20:06,414
Right. Well, you work for the bank,
bank works for me...
353
00:20:06,498 --> 00:20:09,459
so, ipso facto, I'm your boss.
354
00:20:09,542 --> 00:20:12,545
Point is,
I would love to see...
355
00:20:12,629 --> 00:20:15,215
that pretty little bone structure
of yours around here some more.
356
00:20:15,298 --> 00:20:18,176
I mean, there's no reason
we need to be shackled...
357
00:20:18,259 --> 00:20:22,430
by the strictures of the employee-employer
relationship.
358
00:20:22,514 --> 00:20:24,557
Unless, of course,
you're into that sort of thing.
359
00:20:24,641 --> 00:20:26,935
In which case,
I got some shackles in the back.
360
00:20:27,018 --> 00:20:31,731
I'm just kidding. But seriously, I've got 'em.
361
00:20:31,815 --> 00:20:35,693
I'm just doing my job,
Mr. Goodman. In fact...
362
00:20:35,777 --> 00:20:38,071
I actually...
363
00:20:38,154 --> 00:20:41,032
- prefer it over there.
- Really?
364
00:20:41,116 --> 00:20:43,952
You like it with those freaks
over there in Loser Town, huh?
365
00:20:44,035 --> 00:20:47,247
Freaks? They're not freaks.
They're people, just like you and me.
366
00:20:47,330 --> 00:20:50,083
People!
367
00:20:50,166 --> 00:20:52,544
People just like you and me.
368
00:20:52,627 --> 00:20:57,424
Oh, man. That is what I love about you,
Kate. You've got a personality.
369
00:20:57,507 --> 00:20:59,759
Ah! That is rich.
370
00:20:59,843 --> 00:21:02,971
A real sauciness that I find...
371
00:21:03,054 --> 00:21:06,349
extremely attractive.
372
00:21:07,684 --> 00:21:10,645
- We should mate.
- What?
373
00:21:10,728 --> 00:21:13,982
Date. I said we should date sometime.
You know, socially.
374
00:21:14,065 --> 00:21:16,860
Go out and kick it.
375
00:21:16,943 --> 00:21:19,279
- Are you okay?
- I'm fine.
376
00:21:19,362 --> 00:21:22,323
I just, uh, threw up
in my mouth a little bit.
377
00:21:22,407 --> 00:21:26,911
Yeah, you know, in some cultures,
they only eat vomit.
378
00:21:26,995 --> 00:21:30,790
I never been there,
but I read about it in a book.
379
00:21:30,874 --> 00:21:34,586
I'm sorry, Mr. Goodman.
I don't date clients.
380
00:21:36,337 --> 00:21:41,759
I get it. Don't crap where you eat.
I understand.
381
00:21:41,843 --> 00:21:46,556
Me'Shell! Please escort
Miss Veatch out.
382
00:21:46,639 --> 00:21:49,184
Oh, and Katherine.
383
00:21:49,267 --> 00:21:51,644
Make sure my acquisition
of that gym goes smoothly.
384
00:21:51,728 --> 00:21:54,898
They're up to something
over there. I can smell it.
385
00:22:01,738 --> 00:22:04,365
{\an8}Über-American Instructional Films...
386
00:22:04,449 --> 00:22:08,203
{\an8}teaching America's youth
since 1938.
387
00:22:14,792 --> 00:22:16,878
Hey, there, Timmy!
388
00:22:16,961 --> 00:22:21,007
Holy mackerel, mister.
You scared the jeepers out of me.
389
00:22:21,090 --> 00:22:24,511
How would you like to take a break
from that fine lead-based paint...
390
00:22:24,594 --> 00:22:27,972
- and learn about dodgeball?
- Boy, would I!
391
00:22:30,308 --> 00:22:33,311
Wow! Where am I, mister?
392
00:22:33,394 --> 00:22:35,396
You're in a Chinese opium den, Timmy.
393
00:22:35,480 --> 00:22:38,858
This is where the sport of dodgeball
was invented in the 15th century...
394
00:22:38,942 --> 00:22:41,277
by opium-addicted Chinamen.
395
00:22:41,361 --> 00:22:45,573
But back then, the Chinamen threw
severed human heads at each other...
396
00:22:45,657 --> 00:22:48,284
instead of the A.D.A.A.-approved
balls we use today.
397
00:22:50,662 --> 00:22:52,413
A.D.A.A.?
398
00:22:52,497 --> 00:22:55,833
{\an8}That's the American Dodgeball
Association of America.
399
00:22:55,917 --> 00:22:59,045
Dodgeball is played with
six players on each team...
400
00:22:59,128 --> 00:23:01,464
and six rubber balls.
401
00:23:01,548 --> 00:23:05,051
The object of the game is to eliminate
the opposing players.
402
00:23:05,134 --> 00:23:07,679
Once all the players
on one team are eliminated...
403
00:23:07,762 --> 00:23:10,348
- the opposing team wins!
- Wow!
404
00:23:10,431 --> 00:23:13,685
I can't wait to get
the fellas together and play!
405
00:23:13,768 --> 00:23:18,398
Whoa, whoa!
Hang on a second there, sport.
406
00:23:18,481 --> 00:23:21,609
- Patches O'Houlihan?
- That's right, Timmy.
407
00:23:21,693 --> 00:23:25,280
Patches O'Houlihan,
the seven-time A.D.A.A. all-star...
408
00:23:25,363 --> 00:23:27,865
is here to take you
the rest of the way.
409
00:23:27,949 --> 00:23:31,452
- Jeepers! Really?
- You betcha, champ.
410
00:23:31,536 --> 00:23:36,791
If you catch a ball that's thrown at you
before it hits the ground...
411
00:23:36,874 --> 00:23:39,460
then the player who threw that ball
is out, not you.
412
00:23:39,544 --> 00:23:45,174
Plus, another player from your team gets
to come back into the game!
413
00:23:45,258 --> 00:23:48,303
- It's a two-player swing.
- Gee, thanks, Patches.
414
00:23:48,386 --> 00:23:50,972
I can't wait to start
my own team at school.
415
00:23:51,055 --> 00:23:54,225
That-a-boy, tiger.
But remember...
416
00:23:54,309 --> 00:23:58,938
dodgeball is a sport of violence,
exclusion and degradation.
417
00:23:59,022 --> 00:24:02,150
So, when you're picking players
in gym class...
418
00:24:02,233 --> 00:24:06,404
remember to pick the bigger,
stronger kids for your team.
419
00:24:06,487 --> 00:24:10,408
That way, you can all gang up
on the weaker ones...
420
00:24:10,491 --> 00:24:12,869
like Winston here.
421
00:24:17,123 --> 00:24:20,043
Nice one, son.
You'll be an all-star yet.
422
00:24:20,126 --> 00:24:23,963
Just remember
the five "D"s of dodgeball:
423
00:24:24,047 --> 00:24:28,301
dodge, duck, dip,
dive and... dodge.
424
00:24:28,384 --> 00:24:31,429
Till next time, this is
Patches O'Houlihan...
425
00:24:31,512 --> 00:24:33,806
saying take care of your balls...
426
00:24:33,890 --> 00:24:36,351
and they'll take care of you.
427
00:24:37,560 --> 00:24:39,604
Okay, guys, any questions?
428
00:24:39,687 --> 00:24:42,774
Great. And, uh,
just for your information...
429
00:24:42,857 --> 00:24:45,753
I signed us up for the sub-regional qualifier
tomorrow at the Waldorf Rec Center.
430
00:24:45,777 --> 00:24:47,737
But we haven't even
practiced yet.
431
00:24:47,820 --> 00:24:51,616
We have to qualify for the Vegas Open,
and tomorrow's regional's our last chance.
432
00:24:51,699 --> 00:24:53,761
All right, everyone, just relax.
I've always found...
433
00:24:53,785 --> 00:24:57,205
the best way to learn a sport
is by playing it anyway.
434
00:24:57,288 --> 00:25:00,667
Anyone needs me, I'll be
in my office doing Mad Libs.
435
00:25:00,750 --> 00:25:04,420
Okay, thanks, Peter. Appreciate that a lot.
Okay, I think everybody knows—
436
00:25:07,924 --> 00:25:10,385
Don't you have
an office of your own?
437
00:25:10,468 --> 00:25:12,512
Yes, I do have
an office of my own.
438
00:25:12,595 --> 00:25:14,972
I have a very nice office with
a view and air conditioning.
439
00:25:15,056 --> 00:25:18,393
- Rub it in.
- What I don't have in my office is a closet...
440
00:25:18,476 --> 00:25:21,187
overflowing with 30 years
of financial transactions...
441
00:25:21,270 --> 00:25:23,439
devoid of any discernible
filing system known to man.
442
00:25:23,523 --> 00:25:27,485
Hard to believe I only got a semester
of junior college under my belt.
443
00:25:27,568 --> 00:25:33,116
For instance, do you realize you haven't
collected any membership fees in 13 months?
444
00:25:33,199 --> 00:25:36,661
I'm curious. Is it strictly apathy,
or do you really not have a goal in life?
445
00:25:36,744 --> 00:25:40,498
I found that if you have a goal
that you might not reach it.
446
00:25:40,581 --> 00:25:44,335
But if you don't have one,
then you are never disappointed.
447
00:25:44,419 --> 00:25:48,840
And I gotta tell ya,
it feels phenomenal.
448
00:25:48,923 --> 00:25:53,010
- Well, I guess that makes sense in a really sad way.
- Sad?
449
00:25:53,094 --> 00:25:55,054
You wanna know what's sad?
450
00:25:55,138 --> 00:25:57,974
Six grown men playing dodgeball.
451
00:25:58,057 --> 00:26:00,893
Okay, since I'm here, I'm gonna go ahead
and probably do some abs.
452
00:26:00,977 --> 00:26:03,688
Gonna shock it up.
Gonna let it go.
453
00:26:03,771 --> 00:26:06,458
You know, I like to work out all the time
for this kind of sporting event.
454
00:26:06,482 --> 00:26:09,503
I gotta stretch it out. Gotta be limber
and loose. That's the only way to play.
455
00:26:09,527 --> 00:26:13,990
Hey, you guys take vitamins?
I take vitamins all the time.
456
00:26:15,324 --> 00:26:18,828
Hmm. Dodgeball, eh?
457
00:26:18,911 --> 00:26:23,958
Well, if Peter La Fleur thinks a few
red rubber balls can save his sorry gym...
458
00:26:24,041 --> 00:26:27,003
well, he's in
for quite a surprise.
459
00:26:35,178 --> 00:26:38,139
- Sorry I'm late, guys.
- Hey, Pete.
460
00:26:38,222 --> 00:26:41,851
- Bad morning, boss?
- They usually follow good nights, Dwight.
461
00:26:41,934 --> 00:26:44,103
Hey, Gordon, your family's here.
462
00:26:44,187 --> 00:26:47,148
- Where?
- Right over there.
- Great!
463
00:26:47,231 --> 00:26:49,233
She knows I don't like it
when she watches me.
464
00:26:49,317 --> 00:26:51,486
- I get all nervous.
- The kids take after you, Gord.
465
00:26:51,569 --> 00:26:53,613
Yeah. Well, she's their stepmother.
466
00:26:53,696 --> 00:26:56,816
I remarried three years ago. You know,
one of those Internet mail-order things.
467
00:26:56,866 --> 00:26:59,786
- How's that working out for you?
- Really great.
468
00:26:59,869 --> 00:27:02,580
- Good.
- Really great. Hey, honey.
469
00:27:04,332 --> 00:27:07,460
"L" for love. Good times.
470
00:27:07,543 --> 00:27:09,504
"L" for love?
That doesn't mean love, Gordon.
471
00:27:09,587 --> 00:27:12,423
No, it's— People have different
translations for different things.
472
00:27:12,507 --> 00:27:16,761
That's a special bond you have with
your mail-order wife. I think that's nice. It's fine.
473
00:27:16,844 --> 00:27:19,847
- How many teams are in this qualifier?
- Uh, two.
474
00:27:19,931 --> 00:27:22,034
All we have to is beat this team
and we're in the Vegas Open, right?
475
00:27:22,058 --> 00:27:24,644
- Yeah, yeah.
- That seems pretty simple.
- Who's the other team?
476
00:27:24,727 --> 00:27:26,687
Uh, I have it right here.
Just a sec.
477
00:27:26,771 --> 00:27:30,024
Uh... Troop 417.
478
00:27:30,107 --> 00:27:33,361
Christ. We're playing Boy Scouts.
479
00:27:33,444 --> 00:27:35,238
Not quite.
480
00:27:43,913 --> 00:27:45,456
Bollocks!
481
00:27:50,753 --> 00:27:54,966
Troop 417, ready? Average Joe's, ready?
482
00:27:56,801 --> 00:27:58,469
Set? Dodgeball!
483
00:28:10,189 --> 00:28:12,441
You're out!
484
00:28:15,152 --> 00:28:18,072
You're out!
485
00:28:26,998 --> 00:28:29,417
I'm gonna send ya to hell!
486
00:28:30,543 --> 00:28:33,170
Come on, Pete!
487
00:28:37,049 --> 00:28:40,887
- Ow!
- I'm really sorry. Are you all right?
488
00:28:40,970 --> 00:28:44,390
Why would you hit a girl? Why?
489
00:28:44,473 --> 00:28:46,517
I am so sorry. Are you okay?
490
00:28:48,936 --> 00:28:51,272
Winner: Troop 417!
491
00:28:51,355 --> 00:28:53,441
Face! In your face!
492
00:28:53,524 --> 00:28:55,610
You're adopted. Your parents
don't even love you.
493
00:29:00,323 --> 00:29:02,241
And now,
without further ado...
494
00:29:02,325 --> 00:29:06,329
it gives me great pleasure
to award first—
495
00:29:07,997 --> 00:29:12,251
Uh, I'm sorry. We—
We have a bit of a problem here.
496
00:29:12,335 --> 00:29:16,422
Unfortunately for Troop 417...
497
00:29:16,505 --> 00:29:20,384
during the A.D.A.A.
required random drug screening...
498
00:29:20,468 --> 00:29:23,137
one of your player's urine
tested positive for...
499
00:29:23,220 --> 00:29:25,890
three separate types
of anabolic steroids...
500
00:29:25,973 --> 00:29:29,894
and a low-grade
beaver tranquilizer.
501
00:29:29,977 --> 00:29:34,607
I'm afraid by rule
your team must be disqualified.
502
00:29:34,690 --> 00:29:36,984
Goddamn you, Bernice!
Ooh!
503
00:29:37,068 --> 00:29:39,362
By the power vested in me...
504
00:29:39,445 --> 00:29:43,783
I declare the winner of this year's dodgeball
regional qualifying tournament...
505
00:29:43,866 --> 00:29:46,786
and grammar jamboree to be...
506
00:29:46,869 --> 00:29:48,663
Average Joe's Gym.
507
00:29:51,540 --> 00:29:53,334
God!
508
00:30:00,216 --> 00:30:03,135
All I'm saying to you, Kate,
is that you can admit...
509
00:30:03,219 --> 00:30:05,346
the real reason
why you showed up today.
510
00:30:05,429 --> 00:30:07,974
- It's okay.
- Like I said, I was in the neighborhood...
511
00:30:08,057 --> 00:30:10,685
and I just thought you guys could
probably use a cheering section.
512
00:30:10,768 --> 00:30:14,146
Kate, if you wanna join the team,
all you have to do is ask.
513
00:30:14,230 --> 00:30:17,525
Thank you, Peter.
I don't.
514
00:30:17,608 --> 00:30:19,610
Then it's obvious that you dig me.
515
00:30:19,694 --> 00:30:22,488
- You're hooked on La Fleur.
- Oh, God.
516
00:30:22,571 --> 00:30:24,740
I've been through this
many times. I'm sorry.
517
00:30:24,824 --> 00:30:27,576
You can't stay away from me.
I'm so stupid.
518
00:30:27,660 --> 00:30:30,121
All right, no, I'll admit
that in spite of yourself...
519
00:30:30,204 --> 00:30:33,833
you have brief moments
where you're not completely—
520
00:30:33,916 --> 00:30:36,877
What?
521
00:30:36,961 --> 00:30:40,089
- Where I'm not completely what?
- Pathetic.
522
00:30:41,382 --> 00:30:43,426
Oh, hey, White.
523
00:30:43,509 --> 00:30:45,553
I didn't think that
Nazi camp got out until 8:00.
524
00:30:45,636 --> 00:30:47,680
Did you decide
to skip arts and crafts?
525
00:30:47,763 --> 00:30:51,017
Yes, I did.
Oh, hello, Kate.
526
00:30:51,100 --> 00:30:53,894
I wasn't aware
I was paying you to socialize.
527
00:30:53,978 --> 00:30:55,688
You're not. I'm off the clock.
528
00:30:55,771 --> 00:30:58,357
Well, isn't that convenient for you...
529
00:30:58,441 --> 00:31:00,776
and the clock?
530
00:31:00,860 --> 00:31:02,903
I just thought I'd drop by
and congratulate you...
531
00:31:02,987 --> 00:31:04,989
on your victory
by disqualification today...
532
00:31:05,072 --> 00:31:07,533
and introduce you to the team
that will be winning...
533
00:31:07,616 --> 00:31:11,829
the Las Vegas International
Dodgeball Open— my team.
534
00:31:11,912 --> 00:31:14,707
Allow me the pleasure
of introducing you to...
535
00:31:14,790 --> 00:31:17,710
Blade...
536
00:31:17,793 --> 00:31:23,716
Laser, Blazer.
537
00:31:23,799 --> 00:31:26,761
I believe you've met
my fitness consigliere, Me'Shell.
538
00:31:26,844 --> 00:31:29,138
- We've met.
- Oh, and I almost forgot.
539
00:31:29,221 --> 00:31:31,515
Our last player.
540
00:31:31,599 --> 00:31:36,645
Meet Fran
Stalinofskivitchdavitovichsky.
541
00:31:39,273 --> 00:31:41,525
Oh!
542
00:31:41,609 --> 00:31:45,029
♪ Lady in red ♪
543
00:31:46,614 --> 00:31:48,491
In her home country
of Romanovia...
544
00:31:48,574 --> 00:31:50,910
dodgeball is the national sport...
545
00:31:50,993 --> 00:31:54,705
and her nuclear power plant's team
won the championship five years running...
546
00:31:54,789 --> 00:32:00,419
which makes her the deadliest woman
on Earth with a dodgeball.
547
00:32:00,503 --> 00:32:02,463
Ball me, Blazer.
548
00:32:02,546 --> 00:32:06,133
Show them, Fran.
549
00:32:09,345 --> 00:32:12,431
And that's just
her changeup.
550
00:32:12,515 --> 00:32:14,642
End of demo.
551
00:32:14,725 --> 00:32:19,063
We are the Globo Gym
Purple Cobras, and we will—
552
00:32:19,146 --> 00:32:22,108
we will rock you!
553
00:32:25,111 --> 00:32:28,697
I think that guy
might really be dead.
554
00:32:30,407 --> 00:32:32,368
Wait a minute.
Wait-Wait-Wait a minute.
555
00:32:32,451 --> 00:32:34,703
How can you be entered
in the Las Vegas Open?
556
00:32:34,787 --> 00:32:37,081
You didn't even win
a regional qualifying match.
557
00:32:37,164 --> 00:32:40,501
Oh, my God! We never even won
a regional qualifying match!
558
00:32:40,584 --> 00:32:42,795
Oh, yeah, now I remember.
559
00:32:42,878 --> 00:32:46,507
The dodgeball chancellor's
an extremely personal friend of mine...
560
00:32:46,590 --> 00:32:49,844
and I helped him shed some unwanted
poundage before beach season.
561
00:32:49,927 --> 00:32:53,430
So you can close your little rule book
on that one, Poindexter.
562
00:32:53,514 --> 00:32:57,309
Look, White, we didn't come here to rumble.
We came here to celebrate as a team.
563
00:32:57,393 --> 00:32:59,436
So if you don't mind,
there's plenty of bar here...
564
00:32:59,520 --> 00:33:02,439
- for you and the Globo-nauts.
- Team?
565
00:33:02,523 --> 00:33:06,527
What team? Your best player
thinks he's a pirate.
566
00:33:06,610 --> 00:33:08,445
Ahoy! That's it!
567
00:33:08,529 --> 00:33:10,698
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Okay, first of all...
568
00:33:10,781 --> 00:33:13,868
he is way more of a pirate
than you will ever be.
569
00:33:13,951 --> 00:33:17,371
And secondly, we don't know
who our best player is yet.
570
00:33:17,454 --> 00:33:20,666
We've only had one game.
It could be any one of us at this point.
571
00:33:20,749 --> 00:33:22,793
That's great.
Go ahead, make your jokes...
572
00:33:22,877 --> 00:33:26,172
Mr. Jokey Joke-maker.
573
00:33:26,255 --> 00:33:28,299
But let me hit you
with some knowledge.
574
00:33:28,382 --> 00:33:30,801
You should quit now and save yourself
the embarrassment...
575
00:33:30,885 --> 00:33:34,305
of losing with these losers
in Las Vegas, La Fleur.
576
00:33:34,388 --> 00:33:37,600
Alliteration aside, I think I'll take
my chances in the tournament.
577
00:33:37,683 --> 00:33:39,310
Yeah, you will take
your chances.
578
00:33:39,393 --> 00:33:42,271
I know. I just said that.
579
00:33:42,354 --> 00:33:46,275
- I know you just said that.
- Okay, I'm not sure where you're going with this.
580
00:33:46,358 --> 00:33:49,129
- Well, I'm not sure where you're going with this.
- That's what I just said.
581
00:33:49,153 --> 00:33:51,989
- That's what I'm saying to you.
- All right.
582
00:33:53,115 --> 00:33:55,117
Touché.
583
00:33:57,119 --> 00:33:59,496
Me and my squad are gonna split.
584
00:33:59,580 --> 00:34:01,957
But we'll see you at the tournament.
Oh, and La Fleur...
585
00:34:02,041 --> 00:34:04,043
best bring your bib...
586
00:34:04,126 --> 00:34:06,545
'cause it's gonna get messy!
587
00:34:09,840 --> 00:34:12,760
Are you all right? You okay?
588
00:34:14,553 --> 00:34:17,139
Let's bounce. Cobras!
589
00:34:18,599 --> 00:34:21,518
Garr!
590
00:34:21,602 --> 00:34:26,649
Okay, guys, let's just get ourselves cleaned up
and head on home, all right?
591
00:34:33,030 --> 00:34:37,243
Hey, you. That was the worst
damned display of dodgeball...
592
00:34:37,326 --> 00:34:39,370
I've seen in 40 years.
593
00:34:39,453 --> 00:34:42,748
If you wanna have dodgeball victory,
you gotta grab it by its haunches...
594
00:34:42,831 --> 00:34:45,084
and you gotta
hump it into submission.
595
00:34:45,167 --> 00:34:48,420
- That's the only way.
- Okay, crazy guy.
596
00:34:48,504 --> 00:34:50,547
I'm-I'm gonna go home now.
597
00:34:50,631 --> 00:34:53,008
I ain't crazy, and I ain't a guy.
598
00:34:54,218 --> 00:34:57,263
The name's Patches O'Houlihan.
599
00:34:57,346 --> 00:35:01,684
- I'm your new coach.
- Patches O'Houlihan?
600
00:35:01,767 --> 00:35:04,728
- The guy from the dodgeball film?
- Yeah, he said he wants to coach us.
601
00:35:04,812 --> 00:35:07,648
- And you said yes?
- Look, I figured having the steady hand...
602
00:35:07,731 --> 00:35:10,150
of a seasoned dodgeball coach
could only benefit us, Dwight.
603
00:35:10,234 --> 00:35:13,445
All right, all right.
But he's not weird or anything, is he?
604
00:35:13,529 --> 00:35:17,366
No! No, he's totally normal.
605
00:35:26,750 --> 00:35:29,920
Ahh! I love the smell
of queef in the morning.
606
00:35:30,004 --> 00:35:32,881
I mean, you know,
normal for us.
607
00:35:32,965 --> 00:35:36,802
- Line up, ladies!
- What does he mean, line up?
608
00:35:36,885 --> 00:35:40,764
- Now!
- Aah!
609
00:35:40,848 --> 00:35:44,852
If you're gonna learn
to be true dodgeballers...
610
00:35:44,935 --> 00:35:48,647
then you've got to learn
the five "D"s of dodgeball:
611
00:35:48,731 --> 00:35:51,942
dodge, duck, dip, dive and dodge.
612
00:35:52,026 --> 00:35:57,906
If you master the five "D"s,
no amount of balls on Earth can hit you.
613
00:35:59,158 --> 00:36:02,661
- Queer bait, go ahead.
- Me, or—
614
00:36:02,745 --> 00:36:04,663
Yeah, um, shouldn't we, like...
615
00:36:04,747 --> 00:36:07,416
learn by dodging balls
that are thrown at us, or—
616
00:36:07,499 --> 00:36:10,878
That's what this sack
of wrenches is for.
617
00:36:16,008 --> 00:36:18,844
If you can dodge a wrench,
you can dodge a ball.
618
00:36:18,927 --> 00:36:21,013
What?
619
00:36:30,773 --> 00:36:32,608
Any other questions?
620
00:36:32,691 --> 00:36:34,902
Oh, my God!
621
00:36:34,985 --> 00:36:37,571
Yeah. Uh, Patches, are you sure...
622
00:36:37,654 --> 00:36:40,115
that this is completely necessary?
623
00:36:40,199 --> 00:36:43,202
Necessary?
624
00:36:43,285 --> 00:36:45,913
Is it necessary for me
to drink my own urine?
625
00:36:45,996 --> 00:36:48,082
- Probably not.
- No!
626
00:36:48,165 --> 00:36:52,169
But I do it anyway, because it's sterile
and I like the taste.
627
00:36:52,252 --> 00:36:55,923
- Okay.
- And if you're going to lead this squad, La Fleur...
628
00:36:56,006 --> 00:36:59,343
you got to learn to do
the dance in the dark.
629
00:36:59,426 --> 00:37:02,054
Here, put that on.
630
00:37:02,137 --> 00:37:04,556
All right, ladies, buckle up!
631
00:37:04,640 --> 00:37:06,183
It's showtime!
632
00:37:08,102 --> 00:37:11,480
Dodge! Duck! Dip!
Dive!
633
00:37:11,563 --> 00:37:13,649
Duck!
634
00:37:13,732 --> 00:37:15,442
- Aah!
- Dive!
635
00:37:15,526 --> 00:37:18,320
- Aah!
- Dip! Dive!
636
00:37:18,404 --> 00:37:20,697
- Dive!
- Aah!
637
00:37:20,781 --> 00:37:25,494
I've got three weeks to whip you suck-ass
failure junkies into shape!
638
00:37:25,577 --> 00:37:29,164
Come on! I get better runs
in my shorts!
639
00:37:29,248 --> 00:37:32,084
Catch a ball,
one of their guys goes out...
640
00:37:32,167 --> 00:37:34,962
one of our guys comes back in.
641
00:37:35,045 --> 00:37:38,298
That's the way you hurt 'em.
That's the way you win.
642
00:37:40,759 --> 00:37:42,886
Let's go!
A little hustle here!
643
00:37:56,108 --> 00:38:00,195
Come on!
Only 19 miles to go.
644
00:38:00,279 --> 00:38:02,197
Ha-ha!
645
00:38:03,615 --> 00:38:06,618
- Attaboy!
- Aah!
646
00:38:06,702 --> 00:38:08,745
Next man!
647
00:38:08,829 --> 00:38:11,015
Uh, good luck to you, Gordon.
I want you to remember now...
648
00:38:11,039 --> 00:38:13,876
- that it's 90% mental.
- Okey dokey.
649
00:38:13,959 --> 00:38:17,421
If you can dodge traffic, you can dodge a ball.
650
00:38:21,091 --> 00:38:24,511
You got it, Gordon.
651
00:38:24,595 --> 00:38:26,930
Ooh, God!
652
00:38:27,014 --> 00:38:30,142
I'm fine!
I'm okay!
653
00:38:30,225 --> 00:38:32,478
- Okay.
- I'm fine.
654
00:38:32,561 --> 00:38:35,272
Ooh!
655
00:38:37,107 --> 00:38:40,027
- Ow, man!
- Wake up, Smithy!
656
00:38:45,324 --> 00:38:50,370
Holy hell, son, you're about as useful
as a cock-flavored lollipop.
657
00:38:50,454 --> 00:38:53,499
Quick feet!
Fast hands!
658
00:38:53,582 --> 00:38:55,542
Catch it and throw!
659
00:38:55,626 --> 00:38:58,921
Pick up the pace!
All right!
660
00:38:59,004 --> 00:39:02,090
What a bunch of females!
661
00:39:04,176 --> 00:39:07,596
Jesus! Give me that.
662
00:39:09,223 --> 00:39:12,059
You couldn't hit water
if you fell out of a boat.
663
00:39:12,142 --> 00:39:15,187
Where's your killer instinct, son?
You gotta get angry!
664
00:39:15,270 --> 00:39:18,857
You gotta get mean!
That's the only way you can play.
665
00:39:18,941 --> 00:39:22,277
Well, I guess I'm not
really an angry person.
666
00:39:22,361 --> 00:39:25,322
Aah! Ow!
667
00:39:25,405 --> 00:39:27,783
- Ooh!
- Are you angry now?
668
00:39:29,368 --> 00:39:31,328
- Breathe it out. You all right?
- Come on!
669
00:39:31,411 --> 00:39:34,456
- Let's get going here!
- I'm okay.
670
00:39:41,255 --> 00:39:43,799
Little help?
671
00:39:52,432 --> 00:39:55,811
What?
Eight years of softball.
672
00:39:55,894 --> 00:39:59,690
- Man, she gotta be a lesbian.
- She is not a lesbian.
673
00:39:59,773 --> 00:40:03,610
All I know is, that dyke can play.
674
00:40:13,996 --> 00:40:16,248
Come on. Come on!
675
00:40:16,331 --> 00:40:18,417
- Please?
- We need you.
676
00:40:18,500 --> 00:40:21,062
- You're really good.
- Yeah. Owen will be team manager if you play.
677
00:40:21,086 --> 00:40:23,672
- I will?
- Shut up.
678
00:40:23,755 --> 00:40:26,592
Look, guys, I find White Goodman
creepy just like you do.
679
00:40:26,675 --> 00:40:29,428
- All the more reason for you to join us.
- Come on, Kate.
680
00:40:29,511 --> 00:40:31,597
Time to put your mouth
where our balls are.
681
00:40:31,680 --> 00:40:35,976
Sorry, I can't. I'm under contract.
It would be a conflict of interest.
682
00:40:36,059 --> 00:40:38,186
Suit yourself.
683
00:40:38,270 --> 00:40:40,981
All right, guys, you heard Billie Jean King.
684
00:40:41,064 --> 00:40:44,901
No crying in the breast milk.
We got plenty of work to do. Let's go.
685
00:40:44,985 --> 00:40:48,280
Ah, man!
686
00:40:48,363 --> 00:40:50,782
Now we've punched the pizza dough down...
687
00:40:50,866 --> 00:40:52,909
and it's time to sauce it up.
688
00:40:52,993 --> 00:40:54,953
Oh, boy, is my mouth watering.
689
00:40:55,037 --> 00:40:57,140
You're gonna wanna put
a big dollop of that tangy red...
690
00:40:57,164 --> 00:41:00,375
dead center on the dough, then
use the cheese to shove it to the edge.
691
00:41:00,459 --> 00:41:03,337
- Oh, yeah.
- Sir, I think you should take a look at— Whoa!
692
00:41:03,420 --> 00:41:06,715
Uh— What— What—
693
00:41:08,216 --> 00:41:10,177
What have I said
about knocking? Hmm?
694
00:41:10,260 --> 00:41:12,679
- Always knock!
- Whoa! Sorry, sir.
695
00:41:12,763 --> 00:41:15,307
What is so important
that you need to...
696
00:41:15,390 --> 00:41:18,185
interrupt me during
my private reflection period?
697
00:41:18,268 --> 00:41:20,729
These.
698
00:41:24,900 --> 00:41:29,529
- They're getting better.
- Yes, I can see that, Me'Shell.
699
00:41:29,613 --> 00:41:31,823
I'm through playing games.
700
00:41:31,907 --> 00:41:34,076
It's time to end this square dance
once and for all.
701
00:41:34,159 --> 00:41:36,328
What about the girl?
She can throw.
702
00:41:36,411 --> 00:41:40,832
Well, I'll simply have to woo Kate
a bit sooner than nature intended.
703
00:41:40,916 --> 00:41:43,502
But rest assured, Me'Shell...
704
00:41:43,585 --> 00:41:49,091
there's no resistin' when White Goodman
puts on his shiny shoes.
705
00:41:53,136 --> 00:41:55,639
♪ Tonto, jump on it
Jump on it ♪
706
00:41:55,722 --> 00:41:57,891
♪ Jump on it ♪
707
00:42:01,561 --> 00:42:04,189
♪ Apache, jump on it
Jump on it ♪
708
00:42:08,777 --> 00:42:10,737
♪♪ Who is it?
709
00:42:10,821 --> 00:42:14,199
It's White.
710
00:42:14,282 --> 00:42:17,869
- Surprise.
- White.
711
00:42:17,953 --> 00:42:22,332
Uh, what— what are you—
what are you doing here?
712
00:42:22,416 --> 00:42:24,543
How do you, uh,
know where I live?
713
00:42:24,626 --> 00:42:27,003
It's called the Freedom
of Information Act, Kate.
714
00:42:27,087 --> 00:42:29,047
The hippies finally
got something right.
715
00:42:29,131 --> 00:42:31,258
Just kiddin', but not really.
716
00:42:31,341 --> 00:42:34,594
Hey, I got some great news.
Sit down.
717
00:42:34,678 --> 00:42:39,599
- What is it?
- You're fired.
718
00:42:39,683 --> 00:42:42,519
- I'm what?
- You're fired. I called up the bank...
719
00:42:42,602 --> 00:42:45,498
and told 'em that you were stealing and
drinking on the job, and they bought it.
720
00:42:45,522 --> 00:42:48,692
Can you believe it? They assigned some
other Johnny Pencil-pusher to my account.
721
00:42:48,775 --> 00:42:50,986
Why would you do that?
722
00:42:51,069 --> 00:42:53,655
I'm here to begin
my courtship with you, Kate.
723
00:42:53,739 --> 00:42:56,283
You fired me so I'd date you?
724
00:42:56,366 --> 00:42:58,535
Uh-huh.
725
00:42:58,618 --> 00:43:01,329
- You are a crazy little man.
- Come on, Kate.
726
00:43:01,413 --> 00:43:03,224
I know you've been hiding
some feelings for me.
727
00:43:03,248 --> 00:43:05,584
Oh. Yeah, nausea!
728
00:43:05,667 --> 00:43:08,938
If you don't get off my porch in two seconds,
you're gonna know exactly how that feels.
729
00:43:08,962 --> 00:43:13,508
Ooh-hoo! You like the freaky stuff, huh?
That's cool.
730
00:43:14,926 --> 00:43:17,888
Well, I can be naughty too.
731
00:43:17,971 --> 00:43:21,933
Real freaky naughty.
Ooh.
732
00:43:22,017 --> 00:43:25,479
- You a naughty freak?
- You need some help leaving, White?
733
00:43:25,562 --> 00:43:27,898
This doesn't concern you, La Fleur.
734
00:43:27,981 --> 00:43:30,066
Not nearly as much
as your hair does.
735
00:43:30,150 --> 00:43:34,196
That's for sure. But, uh, I believe
she asked you to leave.
736
00:43:37,199 --> 00:43:39,284
I get it.
737
00:43:39,367 --> 00:43:41,912
You caught the scent
of a lesser stag in your nostrils.
738
00:43:41,995 --> 00:43:44,581
Pity.
739
00:43:44,664 --> 00:43:46,583
I'll let you have your little moment,
La Fleur.
740
00:43:46,666 --> 00:43:49,294
'Cause after this tournament,
your gym...
741
00:43:49,377 --> 00:43:54,049
your life and your gal
are gonna be mine.
742
00:43:54,132 --> 00:43:56,259
All mine.
743
00:43:56,343 --> 00:43:59,095
To be continued—
Aah! Oh!
744
00:43:59,179 --> 00:44:01,848
You don't get
to touch me ever!
745
00:44:01,932 --> 00:44:04,392
Okay, Romeo,
let me help you up.
746
00:44:04,476 --> 00:44:08,063
- Get off of me! Don't you touch me!
- Whoa!
747
00:44:10,273 --> 00:44:13,235
It is over
between us, Kate.
748
00:44:13,318 --> 00:44:17,239
Nobody makes me bleed
my own blood. Nobody!
749
00:44:30,627 --> 00:44:32,671
Well, at least
that wasn't weird.
750
00:44:32,754 --> 00:44:35,924
- Yeah.
- Do I smell cookies?
751
00:44:36,007 --> 00:44:39,928
- Hey!
- Dear Barbara.
752
00:44:48,270 --> 00:44:50,188
I like unicorns.
753
00:44:50,272 --> 00:44:52,524
Wow.
754
00:44:52,607 --> 00:44:55,193
Look, I know you said no
to joining the team...
755
00:44:55,277 --> 00:44:58,864
but I'd like you to reconsider
as a personal favor to me.
756
00:44:58,947 --> 00:45:00,907
- Look, Peter—
- Look, before you answer...
757
00:45:00,991 --> 00:45:03,636
I think it's important for you to know
you'd have your own changing room.
758
00:45:03,660 --> 00:45:05,871
- Really?
- Sort of.
759
00:45:05,954 --> 00:45:09,374
- Mmm.
- Oh, and, uh, there's also this.
760
00:45:09,457 --> 00:45:12,419
- Oh. Okay, what's this?
- I overdid.
761
00:45:14,963 --> 00:45:17,090
Oh, look at you.
762
00:45:17,173 --> 00:45:20,385
Two expired movie passes,
and a coupon...
763
00:45:20,468 --> 00:45:23,847
for one free back rub
from Peter La Fleur.
764
00:45:23,930 --> 00:45:25,700
Play your cards right,
that could turn into a full-body.
765
00:45:25,724 --> 00:45:28,018
Okay, will you just stop,
please?
766
00:45:28,101 --> 00:45:32,397
I don't want your perk package.
I don't want your back rub.
767
00:45:32,480 --> 00:45:35,901
I just wanna see the look on White Goodman's
face when we win that tournament.
768
00:45:35,984 --> 00:45:39,613
- You're in?
- I'm in.
769
00:45:43,033 --> 00:45:45,410
Las Vegas. A city built of hot sand...
770
00:45:45,493 --> 00:45:48,121
broken dreams
and five-dollar lobster.
771
00:45:48,204 --> 00:45:51,875
A city where you can get a happy ending,
but only if you pay a little extra.
772
00:45:51,958 --> 00:45:54,961
A city home to a sporting event
greater than the World Cup...
773
00:45:55,045 --> 00:45:58,798
World Series
and World War II combined.
774
00:45:58,882 --> 00:46:01,217
Live from Las Vegas...
775
00:46:01,301 --> 00:46:03,887
it's the Las Vegas
International Dodgeball Open...
776
00:46:03,970 --> 00:46:06,765
here on ESPN 8, the Ocho....
777
00:46:06,848 --> 00:46:11,728
bringing you the finest in seldom-seen sports
from around the globe since 1999.
778
00:46:11,811 --> 00:46:15,273
If it's almost a sport,
we've got it here.
779
00:46:15,357 --> 00:46:18,610
{\an8}Hello, everybody and welcome
to this year's annual...
780
00:46:18,693 --> 00:46:20,946
{\an8}Las Vegas International
Dodgeball Open...
781
00:46:21,029 --> 00:46:24,324
{\an8}brought to you exclusively
here on ESPN 8, the Ocho.
782
00:46:24,407 --> 00:46:28,161
We're coming to you live from the Las Vegas
University Learning Annex.
783
00:46:28,244 --> 00:46:31,081
{\an8}My name is Cotton McKnight,
and with me as always...
784
00:46:31,164 --> 00:46:33,833
{\an8}is my partner in crime,
Pepper Brooks.
785
00:46:33,917 --> 00:46:36,002
- Pep.
- Yeah, Cotton. Hey.
786
00:46:36,086 --> 00:46:38,463
{\an8}Everybody,
32 teams in play.
787
00:46:38,546 --> 00:46:41,466
{\an8}That means four wins
is gonna get you in the final match...
788
00:46:41,549 --> 00:46:45,261
with that fifth win gettin' you the 50-K
that everyone's chasin'.
789
00:46:45,345 --> 00:46:48,848
- Cotton!
- Well, there's an electricity in the air, folks.
790
00:46:48,932 --> 00:46:51,810
A palpable hue of anticipation.
791
00:46:51,893 --> 00:46:55,355
Immortality
five simple victories away.
792
00:46:55,438 --> 00:46:58,692
They've come from all over the globe,
from Kathmandu to Timbuktu...
793
00:46:58,775 --> 00:47:04,447
and all points in between to compete
in the one true human test— dodgeball.
794
00:47:16,001 --> 00:47:18,878
Hasselhoff!
795
00:47:29,264 --> 00:47:31,850
- Hey.
- Hey. What's in the box?
796
00:47:31,933 --> 00:47:36,521
Guys, I figured a real dodgeball team
needs real dodgeball uniforms.
797
00:47:36,604 --> 00:47:40,692
And so I threw out those old ratty ones
and designed these myself.
798
00:47:40,775 --> 00:47:44,112
All right! Now we get our thing going on.
Maybe we start smacking each other.
799
00:47:44,195 --> 00:47:47,282
I hope everything fits.
800
00:47:48,783 --> 00:47:51,578
- Wait.
- Nice.
801
00:47:51,661 --> 00:47:53,913
This isn't right.
802
00:47:54,831 --> 00:47:57,000
This isn't what I ordered!
803
00:47:57,083 --> 00:47:59,502
♪ I might like you better
if we slept together ♪
804
00:47:59,586 --> 00:48:01,522
- ♪ I might like you better
if we slept together ♪
- What's this?
805
00:48:01,546 --> 00:48:04,549
What the hell is that?
This is screwed up!
806
00:48:04,632 --> 00:48:06,676
This is great! What are
we supposed to do now?
807
00:48:06,760 --> 00:48:09,179
Don't worry. We'll play in
what we've got on, right?
808
00:48:09,262 --> 00:48:12,974
No, we can't. A.D.A.A. rules require
we wear matching uniforms.
809
00:48:13,058 --> 00:48:15,351
Well, I don't think they require...
810
00:48:15,435 --> 00:48:19,189
- ass-less chaps, okay?
- Look, everyone, can we
calm down here for a second?
811
00:48:19,272 --> 00:48:22,001
We're gonna have plenty of time to find
other uniforms before we have to play.
812
00:48:22,025 --> 00:48:26,154
Ladies, ladies, we gotta get on the court
or we're gonna forfeit the game!
813
00:48:26,237 --> 00:48:30,116
Come on! Let's go! Let's see
some movement! Chop-chop!
814
00:48:30,200 --> 00:48:32,243
I don't see any movement!
Let's go!
815
00:48:32,327 --> 00:48:34,579
♪ I like the way you're movin' ♪
816
00:48:34,662 --> 00:48:37,165
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
817
00:48:37,248 --> 00:48:39,959
♪ I just get into the groove thing ♪
818
00:48:40,043 --> 00:48:43,088
♪ There's something about you ♪
819
00:48:43,171 --> 00:48:45,799
How about those
dodgeball dancers, folks?
820
00:48:45,882 --> 00:48:49,803
- That is some good, clean
family fun there, eh, Cot?
- Right you are.
821
00:48:49,886 --> 00:48:52,097
Here comes Germany's Team Blitzkrieg.
822
00:48:52,180 --> 00:48:55,767
The reigning European champ hopes
to extend their empire here on American soil.
823
00:48:55,850 --> 00:48:57,811
Appeasement be damned!
824
00:48:57,894 --> 00:49:01,481
And here comes the relatively
unknown challengers...
825
00:49:01,564 --> 00:49:06,820
a regional qualifying team,
Average Joe's Gymnasium.
826
00:49:15,370 --> 00:49:18,581
Oh, my sweet Jesus.
827
00:49:18,665 --> 00:49:20,125
That's rad.
828
00:49:20,208 --> 00:49:23,586
Hey, asshole, you guys suck!
829
00:49:23,670 --> 00:49:27,507
Thank you. Nice-Nice
to be in Vegas. Uh, hi.
830
00:49:27,590 --> 00:49:31,386
We're all here and, um,
we are ready to play.
831
00:49:34,222 --> 00:49:37,642
- Okay.
- Okay.
832
00:49:37,725 --> 00:49:41,020
And we get our first glimpse
of the Average Joe's squad...
833
00:49:41,104 --> 00:49:43,731
sporting some unwieldy uniforms.
834
00:49:43,815 --> 00:49:45,835
I feel like I'm watching a Cher video, Cotton.
835
00:49:45,859 --> 00:49:47,861
- Average Joe's ready?
- Garr!
836
00:49:47,944 --> 00:49:49,904
Blitzkrieg ready?
837
00:49:49,988 --> 00:49:52,073
Dodgeball!
838
00:49:52,157 --> 00:49:56,327
And we're underway! Average Joe's
versus the heavily-favored German team.
839
00:49:56,411 --> 00:49:58,913
Of course, S&M gear
first made popular...
840
00:49:58,997 --> 00:50:03,793
- by the lyric poet Sappho
from the island of Lesbos.
- Clean hit! You're out!
841
00:50:03,877 --> 00:50:08,339
Leather and latex belong in
the bedroom, not on the dodgeball court, Cotton.
842
00:50:08,423 --> 00:50:13,761
Where's that training?
Dodge, duck, dip, dive, dodge!
843
00:50:13,845 --> 00:50:16,556
Oh! Captain Peter La Fleur gets eliminated...
844
00:50:16,639 --> 00:50:19,517
and Coach O'Houlihan
is not happy.
845
00:50:25,356 --> 00:50:27,775
Ooh! I'll tell you what.
846
00:50:27,859 --> 00:50:30,129
This Average Joe's team doesn't look up to snuff.
847
00:50:30,153 --> 00:50:33,531
Mid-line infraction! You stepped
over the line! You're out!
848
00:50:33,615 --> 00:50:36,075
Dan, the Average Joe's
catches a break there.
849
00:50:36,159 --> 00:50:39,746
But the Germans still dominating
this Maginot Line-like defense.
850
00:50:39,829 --> 00:50:41,974
- Good toss by the submissive out there.
- You're out!
851
00:50:41,998 --> 00:50:46,669
Just two players left for— Oh!
Check that. Make it one.
852
00:50:46,753 --> 00:50:49,631
Looks like Average Joe's
might be heading home early.
853
00:50:49,714 --> 00:50:54,928
It's all up to the only player without
a "Y" chromosome— Kate Veatch.
854
00:50:55,011 --> 00:50:57,597
Oh! What a throw!
855
00:50:57,680 --> 00:51:01,267
- Hold your phone. She's got a cannon.
- Yes!
856
00:51:01,351 --> 00:51:05,563
- Come on! Come on, Kate!
- You're the only man out there!
Give it to 'em, baby!
857
00:51:05,688 --> 00:51:08,775
The Germans have a two-one advantage.
Oh! Great catch!
858
00:51:08,858 --> 00:51:10,985
And Peter La Fleur's back in the game.
859
00:51:11,069 --> 00:51:13,071
How about that?
It's a two-on-one switcheroo.
860
00:51:13,154 --> 00:51:15,448
And now Joe's
has the upper hand.
861
00:51:15,531 --> 00:51:17,700
- Great deflection.
- Take it to him!
862
00:51:17,784 --> 00:51:22,538
- He's ball-less now!
- He doesn't have any balls, Cotton!
863
00:51:22,622 --> 00:51:25,500
Winner: Average Joe's!
864
00:51:25,583 --> 00:51:30,838
Oh, my sweet dick!
It's magic! All right!
865
00:51:30,922 --> 00:51:33,341
Oh, my, the Germans losing in the first round.
866
00:51:33,424 --> 00:51:36,719
And Average Joe's wins
in a shocking upset.
867
00:51:36,803 --> 00:51:39,430
I feel shocked.
868
00:51:39,514 --> 00:51:42,100
- Yeah!
- We won!
869
00:51:47,605 --> 00:51:50,191
Losers!
870
00:52:00,368 --> 00:52:04,414
You must be Daddy.
871
00:52:04,497 --> 00:52:08,126
Average Joe's has shocked
the dodgeball pundits...
872
00:52:08,209 --> 00:52:11,587
and made it to tomorrow's round, where
we'll separate the wheat from the chaff...
873
00:52:11,671 --> 00:52:13,548
the men from the boys...
874
00:52:13,631 --> 00:52:15,800
and the awkwardly feminine
from the possibly Canadian.
875
00:52:15,883 --> 00:52:19,554
So don't go anywhere, folks.
It's just getting exciting.
876
00:52:22,724 --> 00:52:24,892
What the hell?
877
00:52:24,976 --> 00:52:27,562
That guy's a dickhead.
878
00:52:33,401 --> 00:52:36,821
You wanted to see me,
Patches?
879
00:52:36,904 --> 00:52:38,990
You did good out there.
Real good.
880
00:52:39,073 --> 00:52:40,783
You're a natural leader,
La Fleur.
881
00:52:40,867 --> 00:52:43,536
Those men and that muff-diver
in there believe in you.
882
00:52:43,619 --> 00:52:47,081
- Kate's not a muff-diver—
- Ahh, no.
883
00:52:48,458 --> 00:52:50,585
Hey. That's for you.
884
00:52:51,836 --> 00:52:53,880
I can't accept this, Patches.
885
00:52:53,963 --> 00:52:56,257
You're a hell of a player, Peter.
You earned it.
886
00:52:57,717 --> 00:52:59,635
I got some hookers
in my room.
887
00:52:59,719 --> 00:53:02,597
What do you say we go celebrate?
My treat.
888
00:53:02,680 --> 00:53:05,933
No, thanks. I-I think I'll just stick
with the scarf here, but thank you.
889
00:53:06,017 --> 00:53:08,227
Suit yourself, queer.
890
00:53:18,196 --> 00:53:20,198
- I'm sorry.
- Justin?
891
00:53:20,281 --> 00:53:22,992
Amber. Jeez, Louise,
what are you doin' here?
892
00:53:23,076 --> 00:53:25,411
We're here for the National
Cheerleading Championships.
893
00:53:25,495 --> 00:53:27,955
Oh! Yeah, no doi, the N.C.C.'s.
That's so awesome.
894
00:53:28,039 --> 00:53:30,792
We're in the finals tomorrow.
What are you doing here?
895
00:53:30,875 --> 00:53:33,252
I'm in the dodgeball tournament.
896
00:53:33,336 --> 00:53:35,713
Yeah, these are my teammates Dwight,
Ms. Veatch, and, uh—
897
00:53:35,797 --> 00:53:39,467
- Gordon.
- Yeah. This is Amber, so—
898
00:53:39,550 --> 00:53:41,719
Come on, babe. I want to
ride the roller coaster.
899
00:53:41,803 --> 00:53:43,805
Uh, hey, Derek.
Sweet 'do, man.
900
00:53:43,888 --> 00:53:46,891
Get bent, helmet.
Let's go, Amber.
901
00:53:46,974 --> 00:53:49,727
- It was nice to see you. And good luck tomorrow!
- And I'll see you.
902
00:53:49,811 --> 00:53:52,397
You look... healthy.
Uh, good.
903
00:53:52,480 --> 00:53:55,149
What?
904
00:53:55,233 --> 00:53:57,944
Don't worry about that guy, Justin.
He's a total jerk.
905
00:53:58,027 --> 00:54:01,489
Yeah. He'll probably fall off the roller coaster
and break every bone in his body.
906
00:54:01,572 --> 00:54:04,283
- Nice, Dwight.
- I'm just sayin', it happens.
907
00:54:04,367 --> 00:54:08,287
- My cousin Ray-Ray? Boop! Dead.
- Thanks, man.
908
00:54:11,207 --> 00:54:14,627
{\an8}Let's huddle up here! We got some work to do.
909
00:54:14,710 --> 00:54:18,005
We got lucky
in the first round.
910
00:54:18,089 --> 00:54:20,299
We caught those
dirty Krauts napping.
911
00:54:20,383 --> 00:54:23,886
But that ain't gonna happen again,
so blow out the horse hockey...
912
00:54:23,970 --> 00:54:27,682
and remember what I taught you:
blockers in the center, funneling;
913
00:54:27,765 --> 00:54:32,687
aim low; and will someone
catch a goddamn ball?
914
00:54:32,770 --> 00:54:37,483
It's like watching a bunch of retards
trying to fuck a doorknob out there.
915
00:54:37,567 --> 00:54:41,404
Get it together!
Let's play some dodgeball.
916
00:54:41,487 --> 00:54:45,533
- Hands in. One, two, three, Joe's!
- Joe's!
917
00:54:47,243 --> 00:54:49,495
- Average Joe's ready?
- Yes!
918
00:54:49,579 --> 00:54:51,747
Lumberjacks ready?
919
00:54:51,831 --> 00:54:54,226
- Dodgeball!
- Average Joe's has their work cut out...
920
00:54:54,250 --> 00:54:56,544
for them, facing these
Lumberjacks in the second round.
921
00:54:56,627 --> 00:55:00,214
These woodsmen probably haven't even
smelled a woman in eight months. Ooh!
922
00:55:00,298 --> 00:55:02,383
They must masturbate a lot, Cotton.
923
00:55:02,467 --> 00:55:04,385
Clean hit! You're out!
924
00:55:04,469 --> 00:55:08,097
Got him in the beer gut.
And Average Joe's looking tough.
925
00:55:08,181 --> 00:55:09,974
Yes!
926
00:55:10,057 --> 00:55:12,977
Yah!
927
00:55:13,060 --> 00:55:15,897
Oh, now there's a souvenir
for a lucky fan.
928
00:55:18,191 --> 00:55:22,278
Boom! Timber!
Peter La Fleur nails him.
929
00:55:22,361 --> 00:55:26,532
That's all she wrote, folks. And Average Joe's
does some clear-cutting of their own...
930
00:55:26,616 --> 00:55:28,743
and moves on
to the quarter-final.
931
00:55:30,453 --> 00:55:33,331
Globo Gym hoping to drop
an A-bomb here on the Kamikazes.
932
00:55:33,414 --> 00:55:36,143
I don't know how they can
play in diapers, Cotton. I never could.
933
00:55:36,167 --> 00:55:38,211
Peek-a-boo!
934
00:55:38,294 --> 00:55:42,340
Oh, White Goodman, employing
his patented peek-a-boo style attack...
935
00:55:42,423 --> 00:55:45,051
tells Suzuki Toyota Oshinawa,
"This is my dojo."
936
00:55:45,134 --> 00:55:48,221
- Ooh!
- Is he gonna feel that tomorrow or what, Cotton?
937
00:55:48,304 --> 00:55:52,975
- Right in his beak!
- A relentless Globo Gym attack, led by...
938
00:55:53,059 --> 00:55:54,977
their Lilliputian leader,
White Goodman.
939
00:55:55,061 --> 00:55:58,272
It's gotta be the hair,
Cotton. It's beautiful.
940
00:55:58,356 --> 00:56:01,776
Feathered and lethal.
You just don't see it nowadays.
941
00:56:01,859 --> 00:56:07,865
Whoa-ho! And Globo Gym says,
"Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto"...
942
00:56:07,949 --> 00:56:10,034
and breezes into the semi-final.
943
00:56:11,953 --> 00:56:14,997
Skillz That Killz, ready? Average Joe's ready?
944
00:56:15,081 --> 00:56:19,335
- Dodgeball!
- Average Joe is plannin' to
playa-hate Skillz That Killz...
945
00:56:19,418 --> 00:56:22,547
the inner-city champ
for five years straight.
946
00:56:22,630 --> 00:56:26,634
Skillz might be looking past Average Joe's,
doing a little more dancing than dodgeballing.
947
00:56:26,717 --> 00:56:30,304
They better chickity-check
themselves before they wreck themselves, Cotton.
948
00:56:30,388 --> 00:56:32,390
Right you are, partner. Great catch!
949
00:56:32,473 --> 00:56:36,352
La Fleur wheels and fires! Got him!
950
00:56:36,435 --> 00:56:39,146
Winner! Average Joe's!
951
00:56:39,230 --> 00:56:41,983
And Average Joe's, not blinded by the bling-bling...
952
00:56:42,066 --> 00:56:44,277
advances to the semi-final!
953
00:56:46,946 --> 00:56:51,158
Globo Gym's making mincemeat of
the Las Vegas Police Department.
954
00:56:51,242 --> 00:56:54,662
Oh! That's gotta hurt.
955
00:56:54,745 --> 00:56:57,164
Bu-Bu-Bu-Bull's-Eye!
956
00:56:57,248 --> 00:56:59,584
Winner! Globo Gym!
957
00:56:59,667 --> 00:57:03,713
Sportsmanship be darned! Globo Gym
hands the Las Vegas Police Department...
958
00:57:03,796 --> 00:57:06,882
- a "187", and they're goin' to the finals!
- Cobra, Cobra, Cobra, yes!
959
00:57:10,011 --> 00:57:14,223
{\an8}The Poughkeepsie State Flying Cougars
are all over Average Joe's today.
960
00:57:14,307 --> 00:57:16,493
It just doesn't look good for them.
The winner of this match...
961
00:57:16,517 --> 00:57:20,313
goes on to face Globo Gym
in the finals, and right now it's all— Oh!
962
00:57:20,396 --> 00:57:24,483
- Right in the testicles.
- Ouch Town. Population: you, bro.
963
00:57:24,567 --> 00:57:28,738
- Average Joe's down to their
final two players.
- Come on!
964
00:57:28,821 --> 00:57:31,240
- Peter La Fleur can't hold on!
- Clean hit! You're out!
965
00:57:31,324 --> 00:57:34,285
- Time out! Gordy!
- Time out! Time out!
966
00:57:34,368 --> 00:57:36,829
Time! Time is out!
967
00:57:36,912 --> 00:57:39,349
It looks like the clock
is about to strike midnight...
968
00:57:39,373 --> 00:57:43,252
on this Cinderella story, turning
Average Joe's into the proverbial pumpkin.
969
00:57:43,336 --> 00:57:47,173
I sure do like pumpkins, Cotton.
970
00:57:47,256 --> 00:57:50,801
You ain't gonna be able to hit 'em.
They're too good, and you suck something awful.
971
00:57:50,885 --> 00:57:54,597
- Yes, sir. I sure do.
- Our only shot is for you to get angry!
972
00:57:54,680 --> 00:57:58,476
- Roger that. Okay.
- All right. Hands in.
973
00:57:58,559 --> 00:58:00,811
- One, two, three— Hit 'em!
- Joe's!
974
00:58:00,895 --> 00:58:04,398
You've gotta get angry! Get angry now!
975
00:58:04,482 --> 00:58:07,443
Gordon Pibb, alone facing five Cougars.
976
00:58:07,526 --> 00:58:10,363
- Oh, boy.
- It's all but the crying. Sayonara...
977
00:58:10,446 --> 00:58:13,407
auf Wiedersehen,
and good-bye.
978
00:58:25,628 --> 00:58:29,882
- Dodgeball!
- And let the dodgeball slaughter begin.
979
00:58:29,965 --> 00:58:34,637
Good deflection there.
Hanging on, and another one.
980
00:58:34,720 --> 00:58:36,722
Three balls at once!
Who knew?
981
00:58:36,806 --> 00:58:40,017
Now it's four on one.
Pibb is not going down without a fight!
982
00:58:40,101 --> 00:58:43,521
- That's it!
- You're kidding me!
983
00:58:43,604 --> 00:58:45,648
He's calling them out!
984
00:58:45,731 --> 00:58:48,693
Now it's two on one!
Who would have thunk it?
985
00:58:48,776 --> 00:58:51,445
Go, you crazy son of a bitch!
986
00:58:51,529 --> 00:58:53,656
He's on the warpath!
987
00:58:55,825 --> 00:58:58,452
Incredible! It's one on one!
988
00:58:58,536 --> 00:59:02,373
- I can't believe it!
- It's just not believable, Cotton.
989
00:59:10,631 --> 00:59:15,261
- Winner!
- Average Joe's wins!
990
00:59:15,344 --> 00:59:19,890
They are going to the finals
to play Globo Gym for $50,000!
991
00:59:19,974 --> 00:59:22,727
That'll buy you one heck of a blumpkin.
992
00:59:22,810 --> 00:59:25,247
Right you are, Pep. To be honest, folks...
993
00:59:25,271 --> 00:59:29,358
I never would have dreamed it possible,
but with seven-time A.D.A.A. all-star...
994
00:59:29,442 --> 00:59:34,488
Patches O'Houlihan at the helm,
I guess it must be the luck of the Irish.
995
00:59:38,659 --> 00:59:42,621
Tomorrow, we're gonna pecker-slap
those Globo Gym bastards!
996
00:59:42,705 --> 00:59:44,933
- Yeah!
- You really think we can beat Globo Gym, Pete?
997
00:59:44,957 --> 00:59:47,168
As long as we got Patches,
we got a shot.
998
00:59:52,423 --> 00:59:57,219
Oh, my God.
999
00:59:57,303 --> 01:00:00,431
Well, it's probably the way
he would have wanted to go.
1000
01:00:00,514 --> 01:00:02,558
- What?
- Guys!
1001
01:00:02,641 --> 01:00:04,810
What are we gonna do
without Patches?
1002
01:00:04,894 --> 01:00:07,062
We gonna get our taints
handed to us, that's what!
1003
01:00:07,146 --> 01:00:10,191
- What's a taint?
- I don't know. Sounds bad.
1004
01:00:11,692 --> 01:00:14,653
Maybe you should go
say something to the guys.
1005
01:00:14,737 --> 01:00:17,239
Yeah. They don't really make a...
1006
01:00:17,323 --> 01:00:21,952
"Sorry your dodgeball coach just got
crushed by two tons of irony" Hallmark card.
1007
01:00:24,163 --> 01:00:26,248
I'll be right back.
1008
01:00:33,631 --> 01:00:37,468
¿Donde está la biblioteca,
Pedro?
1009
01:00:37,551 --> 01:00:41,180
- White?
- We're opening a new Globo Gym in Mexico City.
1010
01:00:41,263 --> 01:00:46,435
I been boning up on my Spanish.
1011
01:00:46,519 --> 01:00:49,980
Me'Shell was having some digestive problems.
I hope you don't mind.
1012
01:00:50,064 --> 01:00:52,358
Will you shut that?
1013
01:00:52,441 --> 01:00:55,069
For all of us, babe.
1014
01:00:57,947 --> 01:01:01,659
So that's the deal.
I give you $100,000...
1015
01:01:01,742 --> 01:01:03,744
you sign over the deed
to your gym.
1016
01:01:03,828 --> 01:01:07,289
Period.
End o' story.
1017
01:01:07,373 --> 01:01:10,668
You really think you can come in here
and buy me out, White?
1018
01:01:10,751 --> 01:01:13,212
- You're a lot dumber than I thought.
- Hmph.
1019
01:01:13,295 --> 01:01:17,758
I don't think I'm a lot dumber than you
thought that I think that I thought I was once.
1020
01:01:19,260 --> 01:01:22,263
Look, Peter.
I know what it's like!
1021
01:01:22,346 --> 01:01:24,640
Really! I mean, for all our
blustering back and forth...
1022
01:01:24,723 --> 01:01:26,851
we're really pretty much
the same guy.
1023
01:01:26,934 --> 01:01:30,604
We're both leaders. And I like what you've
done with the gym over there. Really!
1024
01:01:30,688 --> 01:01:35,860
I love the, "I'm not okay, you're not okay,
but that's okay" thing you got goin'.
1025
01:01:35,943 --> 01:01:39,071
"You can be fat, as long as you're happy
on the inside." It's great! It works.
1026
01:01:39,154 --> 01:01:42,616
And they love you.
Whoo, do they love you.
1027
01:01:42,700 --> 01:01:45,995
You're their Fonzie, Pete.
Hey!
1028
01:01:46,078 --> 01:01:48,289
Right?
1029
01:01:48,372 --> 01:01:52,543
But do you really think it's fair for them
to put all that pressure on you?
1030
01:01:52,626 --> 01:01:54,712
All the time?
Hmm?
1031
01:01:54,795 --> 01:01:58,382
Looking to you to solve
their every problem?
1032
01:01:58,465 --> 01:02:02,887
I mean, come on.
I know you.
1033
01:02:02,970 --> 01:02:05,097
You know you.
1034
01:02:05,180 --> 01:02:07,266
And I know you know
that I know you.
1035
01:02:07,349 --> 01:02:10,728
You're heading
for a fall, Pete.
1036
01:02:10,811 --> 01:02:12,938
Sooner or later,
Average Joe's is gonna close.
1037
01:02:14,398 --> 01:02:16,400
And when it does...
1038
01:02:16,483 --> 01:02:18,527
they're gonna blame you.
1039
01:02:18,611 --> 01:02:22,281
I don't know if you've ever seen $100,000...
1040
01:02:22,364 --> 01:02:24,116
except maybe in the movies.
1041
01:02:24,199 --> 01:02:28,162
But I assure you,
something gets lost in the translation.
1042
01:02:30,456 --> 01:02:34,043
Money. $100,000.
1043
01:02:34,126 --> 01:02:37,087
Dodgeball game.
1044
01:02:37,171 --> 01:02:41,508
Take the money.
Invest it in something.
1045
01:02:41,592 --> 01:02:44,011
Give it to charity.
I don't care.
1046
01:02:51,435 --> 01:02:53,520
Just sign the contract.
1047
01:02:58,984 --> 01:03:02,029
Come on, guys.
We got Peter.
1048
01:03:02,112 --> 01:03:06,450
And they got guys named "Laser"
and "Blazer" and "Taser" and all kinds of "-asers."
1049
01:03:06,533 --> 01:03:09,828
Garr. Steve's gotta go
drain the sea monster.
1050
01:03:09,912 --> 01:03:13,165
Here you go, guys.
Justin, your virgin daiquiri.
1051
01:03:13,248 --> 01:03:15,459
- Thanks, Ms. Veatch.
- Gordon?
- Nothin' for me.
1052
01:03:15,542 --> 01:03:18,712
Dwight says we're gonna get killed
out there. What do you think, Peter?
1053
01:03:18,796 --> 01:03:21,423
- Let's not talk about tomorrow.
- What are we gonna do, Pete?
1054
01:03:21,507 --> 01:03:23,788
I don't know, Justin.
It's a little complicated, isn't it?
1055
01:03:23,842 --> 01:03:26,029
- But what do you think we should do?
- Yeah, come on. Tell us.
1056
01:03:26,053 --> 01:03:28,347
- Come on, boss.
- What's the plan?
- Yeah.
1057
01:03:28,430 --> 01:03:31,684
What do you guys want from me here?
I don't have a plan for ya.
1058
01:03:31,767 --> 01:03:34,853
We're gonna play Globo Gym tomorrow,
and we're probably gonna lose.
1059
01:03:36,063 --> 01:03:38,524
It's the truth.
1060
01:03:38,607 --> 01:03:42,047
The sooner you guys get that through your head,
the easier this whole thing's gonna be.
1061
01:03:43,112 --> 01:03:45,698
Jesus Christ.
1062
01:03:45,781 --> 01:03:47,825
He didn't mean that.
1063
01:03:47,908 --> 01:03:49,994
- Is he being serious?
- Mm-mm.
1064
01:03:50,077 --> 01:03:52,705
Oh, he's probably just stressed out.
1065
01:03:52,788 --> 01:03:55,624
I've never seen him
like that.
1066
01:03:57,084 --> 01:04:01,714
Garr, matey. Where are you headed?
Peter!
1067
01:04:01,797 --> 01:04:04,466
You are not a pirate.
1068
01:04:11,932 --> 01:04:15,019
Okay, guys. Let's get out of here
and get some rest for tomorrow.
1069
01:04:23,193 --> 01:04:26,155
Hey, Dwight.
Uh—
1070
01:04:26,238 --> 01:04:29,491
I'm gonna catch up with you guys later.
I'm gonna go have a bathroom—
1071
01:04:29,575 --> 01:04:32,536
Go to the drink...
in the bathroom.
1072
01:04:32,619 --> 01:04:34,621
Whatever you do,
wash your hands.
1073
01:04:40,127 --> 01:04:44,423
♪ Never seen you looking so
lovely as you did tonight ♪
1074
01:04:44,506 --> 01:04:47,134
- ♪ I've never seen you shine so bright ♪
- Excuse me, miss.
1075
01:04:47,217 --> 01:04:51,555
- I was wondering if—
- You are the one who stares at me.
1076
01:04:51,638 --> 01:04:57,144
- Why is this?
- Because I think you're the most
beautiful thing I've ever seen.
1077
01:05:04,651 --> 01:05:06,737
Watch it, freak.
1078
01:05:18,415 --> 01:05:22,086
Go back to Treasure Island!
1079
01:05:22,169 --> 01:05:25,172
Fag! Whoo!
1080
01:05:25,255 --> 01:05:28,175
Screw you!
1081
01:05:39,853 --> 01:05:41,973
Katie bar the door,
ladies and gentlemen...
1082
01:05:42,022 --> 01:05:46,568
because it's time for the championship
match here on ESPN 8, the Ocho.
1083
01:05:46,652 --> 01:05:50,489
{\an8}We've seen it all here, folks..grit,
determination, incontinence.
1084
01:05:50,572 --> 01:05:52,825
{\an8}And it's all come down to this..
a Cinderella story.
1085
01:05:52,908 --> 01:05:56,411
{\an8}Average Joe's Gymnasium hopes
to drive their vorpal blade...
1086
01:05:56,495 --> 01:05:59,915
{\an8}snicker-snack deep into the heart
of the dodgeball Jabberwocky...
1087
01:05:59,998 --> 01:06:01,625
{\an8}that is the Globo Gym
Purple Cobras...
1088
01:06:01,708 --> 01:06:05,796
{\an8}and walk away with $50,000
in stone-cold cash.
1089
01:06:05,879 --> 01:06:09,967
{\an8}Hello, everybody, and welcome
to what you've all been waiting for:
1090
01:06:10,050 --> 01:06:13,971
a David and Goliath story
truer than the Bible itself.
1091
01:06:14,054 --> 01:06:18,058
The championship dodgeball match
here on ESPN Eight, the Ocho.
1092
01:06:20,519 --> 01:06:22,521
Peter?
1093
01:06:24,898 --> 01:06:27,734
Peter? Hello?
1094
01:06:29,278 --> 01:06:32,072
Peter. Come on.
Everybody headed down—
1095
01:06:43,000 --> 01:06:45,043
So, what happens
on a double fault?
1096
01:06:45,127 --> 01:06:47,963
Oh, on any double fault,
you go to sudden-death elimination.
1097
01:06:48,046 --> 01:06:50,465
It's continuation rule
113-D.
1098
01:06:50,549 --> 01:06:53,218
- Whatever.
- Hey, guys, wait up!
1099
01:06:56,889 --> 01:07:00,726
Justin! Oh, I've been
looking for you everywhere.
1100
01:07:00,809 --> 01:07:02,895
Really? I mean, why?
What's up?
1101
01:07:02,978 --> 01:07:06,023
Derek fell off the roller coaster
and broke every bone in his body.
1102
01:07:06,106 --> 01:07:08,692
- He can't compete!
- Oh, my God. That's awful.
1103
01:07:08,775 --> 01:07:12,362
He was the center Kewpie with me. Without
the center Kewpie, we can't do our routine.
1104
01:07:12,446 --> 01:07:15,490
- Oh, no. I'm sorry.
- You gotta do it.
1105
01:07:15,574 --> 01:07:17,910
What?
N-N-N-N-No.
1106
01:07:17,993 --> 01:07:22,664
- I— I can't!
- Please! You're the only one in
Las Vegas who knows our routine.
1107
01:07:22,748 --> 01:07:25,626
I can't! I mean, I have the dodgeball
championships at noon!
1108
01:07:25,709 --> 01:07:29,046
Oh, you'll be back in time!
I promise!
1109
01:07:29,129 --> 01:07:32,883
All right. I'll do it.
1110
01:07:32,966 --> 01:07:34,843
- Yes! Okay!
- I gotta tell the guys.
1111
01:07:34,927 --> 01:07:37,679
- No! No time. No time!
- I gotta tell the guys.
1112
01:07:40,265 --> 01:07:42,684
Average Joe's are a 50-to-1 underdog here today.
1113
01:07:42,768 --> 01:07:45,729
No one is giving them much of a chance.
What do you think, Pep?
1114
01:07:45,812 --> 01:07:48,899
Cotton? Hey. I spoke with White Goodman
before today's match...
1115
01:07:48,982 --> 01:07:52,569
and he told me that his team
really wants to win this one.
1116
01:07:52,653 --> 01:07:55,864
Right you are.
And the stage is set...
1117
01:07:55,948 --> 01:07:58,951
for Darwin's cruelest play to unfold,
so don't go anywhere, folks.
1118
01:07:59,034 --> 01:08:01,370
The schadenfreude
is about to begin.
1119
01:08:01,453 --> 01:08:04,081
I don't understand.
Why would Peter leave?
1120
01:08:04,164 --> 01:08:06,142
'Cause he knows we're gonna get killed
out there, that's why.
1121
01:08:06,166 --> 01:08:09,378
Hey, that's not true.
I don't know why Peter left...
1122
01:08:09,461 --> 01:08:11,463
but we can do this
without him.
1123
01:08:11,546 --> 01:08:14,466
We're just gonna have to figure it out.
Owen, you'll have to play.
1124
01:08:14,549 --> 01:08:16,301
Okay, yeah.
1125
01:08:16,385 --> 01:08:19,137
Great, but we'll still be
two players short.
1126
01:08:19,221 --> 01:08:22,140
We're still missin' the teenage love puppy
and Steve the Pirate.
1127
01:08:22,224 --> 01:08:24,935
Who's "Steve the Pirate"?
1128
01:08:25,018 --> 01:08:28,772
The only guy on our team
who dresses like a pirate.
1129
01:08:28,855 --> 01:08:34,027
Wait. There's a guy on our team
dressed like a pirate?
1130
01:08:34,111 --> 01:08:36,613
And now, let's hear it for...
1131
01:08:36,697 --> 01:08:41,952
the West Davenport High School
Charging Donkeys!
1132
01:08:42,035 --> 01:08:46,039
Donkeys! Whoo!
1133
01:08:47,207 --> 01:08:49,209
Donkeys!
1134
01:08:51,753 --> 01:08:54,172
♪♪ ♪ Yo, yo, better listen up ♪
1135
01:09:03,932 --> 01:09:06,935
- ♪ Whee ♪
- ♪ Around and around we go ♪
1136
01:09:09,062 --> 01:09:12,482
♪ Yo, be donkeys ♪♪
1137
01:09:12,566 --> 01:09:15,193
- Wow! We did it!
- Holy cow!
1138
01:09:16,528 --> 01:09:18,739
Oh, it was perfect.
You were perfect.
1139
01:09:18,822 --> 01:09:21,950
- Oh, God! I gotta go!
- Wait, wait, wait. Aren't you
gonna stay for the trophy?
1140
01:09:22,034 --> 01:09:25,245
I'm sorry, Amber.
I got my own trophy to win.
1141
01:09:41,595 --> 01:09:43,555
Now I'm goin'.
1142
01:09:49,686 --> 01:09:53,732
And here come the Globo Gym
Purple Cobras, led by White Goodman, all business.
1143
01:09:53,815 --> 01:09:56,068
We haven't seen Average Joe's yet.
1144
01:09:56,151 --> 01:10:00,155
They still haven't made it to the court.
It could be a psychological ploy—
1145
01:10:00,238 --> 01:10:03,593
- or perhaps something worse.
- They're definitely not on the court, Cotton.
1146
01:10:03,617 --> 01:10:05,994
- Their absence is noticeable.
- Thank you.
1147
01:10:06,078 --> 01:10:08,839
And we'll be right back after
these words from our sponsor.
1148
01:10:12,584 --> 01:10:15,962
Can I get a bottle of water?
1149
01:10:17,631 --> 01:10:20,926
Aren't you Peter La Fleur?
1150
01:10:21,009 --> 01:10:24,054
- Lance Armstrong?
- Yeah, that's me. But I'm a big fan of yours.
1151
01:10:24,179 --> 01:10:27,766
- Really?
- Yeah. I've been watchin' the dodgeball
tournament on the Ocho.
1152
01:10:27,849 --> 01:10:30,185
ESPN 8. I just can't get enough of it.
1153
01:10:30,268 --> 01:10:33,664
But good luck on the tournament. I'm pullin'
for you against those jerks from Globo Gym.
1154
01:10:33,688 --> 01:10:36,149
I think you better hurry up,
or you're gonna be late.
1155
01:10:36,233 --> 01:10:41,238
Uh— Actually, I decided to quit,
Lance.
1156
01:10:41,321 --> 01:10:44,408
Quit? You know, once I was thinkin'
about quittin'...
1157
01:10:44,491 --> 01:10:47,035
when I was diagnosed with brain,
lung and testicular cancer...
1158
01:10:47,119 --> 01:10:49,204
all at the same time.
1159
01:10:49,287 --> 01:10:52,749
But with the love and support of my
friends and family, I got back on the bike...
1160
01:10:52,833 --> 01:10:55,710
and I won the Tour de France
five times in a row.
1161
01:10:55,794 --> 01:10:57,838
But I'm sure you have
a good reason to quit.
1162
01:11:00,132 --> 01:11:02,568
So what are you dyin' from
that's keepin' you from the finals?
1163
01:11:02,592 --> 01:11:06,596
Right now, it feels a little bit like...
shame.
1164
01:11:06,680 --> 01:11:10,267
Well, I guess if a person never
quit when the going got tough...
1165
01:11:10,350 --> 01:11:13,728
they wouldn't have anything
to regret for the rest of their life.
1166
01:11:13,812 --> 01:11:16,982
But good luck to you, Peter. I'm sure
this decision won't haunt you forever.
1167
01:11:25,073 --> 01:11:29,161
Steve? Steve the Pirate.
"Scurvy!"
1168
01:11:29,244 --> 01:11:31,830
No. Not ringin' any bells.
1169
01:11:31,913 --> 01:11:35,125
- Forget it, man.
- Please. We'll play with four people.
1170
01:11:35,208 --> 01:11:37,836
It's not an advantage!
Can't you bend the rules just this once?
1171
01:11:37,919 --> 01:11:41,131
There's nothing I can do!
Rules are rules.
1172
01:11:41,214 --> 01:11:44,634
You don't have enough players. Inform
the committee and Mr. Goodman...
1173
01:11:44,718 --> 01:11:47,971
- about Average Joe's forfeit.
- Yes, sir.
1174
01:11:48,054 --> 01:11:50,182
Better luck next year.
1175
01:11:51,475 --> 01:11:53,810
Excuse me!
Sorry I'm late.
1176
01:11:53,894 --> 01:11:55,896
You won't believe what just happened
to me, though.
1177
01:11:55,979 --> 01:11:59,024
- Hey, guys. What's up?
- You're just in time to help us forfeit.
1178
01:11:59,107 --> 01:12:03,445
Forfeit? Why?
1179
01:12:03,528 --> 01:12:06,740
Well, I-I don't know
what to tell you, but—
1180
01:12:06,823 --> 01:12:10,952
yes— no— I'm being told that Average Joe's
does not have enough players...
1181
01:12:11,036 --> 01:12:13,663
and will be forfeiting
the championship match.
1182
01:12:13,747 --> 01:12:17,167
It's a bold strategy, Cotton.
Let's see if it pays off for them.
1183
01:12:17,250 --> 01:12:21,546
To the tournament floor we go for the scepter
presentation from the dodgeball chancellor.
1184
01:12:22,964 --> 01:12:25,175
Ladies and gentlemen!
1185
01:12:25,258 --> 01:12:28,345
By the power vested in me
by our governing body...
1186
01:12:28,428 --> 01:12:32,098
the American Dodgeball
Association of America...
1187
01:12:32,182 --> 01:12:34,684
and in concordance
with our sponsors...
1188
01:12:34,768 --> 01:12:36,895
Lumber Liquidators
and Omaha Steaks...
1189
01:12:36,978 --> 01:12:41,191
it gives me great pleasure
to declare the winner of this year's...
1190
01:12:41,274 --> 01:12:44,319
Las Vegas International
Tournament to be—
1191
01:12:44,402 --> 01:12:46,446
Wait! He's here!
1192
01:12:51,284 --> 01:12:53,745
Hey, guys.
Sorry I'm late.
1193
01:12:53,828 --> 01:12:57,207
- I'm ready to play, Your Honor.
- Too late, La Fleur.
1194
01:12:57,290 --> 01:12:59,376
Your lovable band of
losers already forfeited.
1195
01:12:59,459 --> 01:13:01,419
- The trophy and the money are mine.
- He's right.
1196
01:13:01,461 --> 01:13:03,481
Your team has already forfeited.
There's nothing you can do.
1197
01:13:03,505 --> 01:13:07,300
Facial, La Fleur! Total facial!
1198
01:13:07,384 --> 01:13:10,262
Actually, that's not true.
1199
01:13:10,345 --> 01:13:13,723
The Tournament Committee can overturn
the chancellor's decision— that's you, sir—
1200
01:13:13,807 --> 01:13:15,887
- by a two-thirds vote.
- No, he's right. He's right.
1201
01:13:15,934 --> 01:13:18,311
- What?
- Yeah. So it's a bylaw. It's a— Give it—
1202
01:13:18,395 --> 01:13:20,647
Will you— It's a bylaw!
1203
01:13:20,730 --> 01:13:25,110
- What's a "bylaw?"
- Hang on a second here, folks.
1204
01:13:25,193 --> 01:13:30,031
- Let them play!
- We might just have a championship game yet!
1205
01:13:30,115 --> 01:13:34,369
Listen to this crowd!
1206
01:13:34,452 --> 01:13:38,707
Unbelievable! Well, Pepper, it's clear
what the crowd here wants.
1207
01:13:38,790 --> 01:13:41,543
But the committee members
have the final say.
1208
01:13:41,626 --> 01:13:43,670
And it looks like
they've come to a decision.
1209
01:13:43,753 --> 01:13:46,631
{\an8}- Let them play! Let them play!
- Joe's needs two yes votes to play—
1210
01:13:46,715 --> 01:13:48,758
{\an8}There's one thumbs-up.
1211
01:13:48,842 --> 01:13:51,177
- Good news for Joe's.
- Oh! Oh, please.
1212
01:13:51,261 --> 01:13:53,555
Let's see how our
second judge votes.
1213
01:13:53,638 --> 01:13:57,267
- Thank you for a little sanity.
- Oh, tough sledding! It's all even.
1214
01:13:57,350 --> 01:14:01,771
Their fate hangs on the thumb
of our final judge.
1215
01:14:01,855 --> 01:14:05,442
Thumbs up!
Average Joe's can play!
1216
01:14:05,525 --> 01:14:08,695
That is pure poppycock!
You're gonna let them do that?
1217
01:14:08,778 --> 01:14:12,240
- Thank you, Chuck Norris.
- Thank you, Peter.
1218
01:14:14,075 --> 01:14:17,162
All right, captains. Shake hands,
and let's have a clean match!
1219
01:14:17,245 --> 01:14:19,873
Good luck, White.
1220
01:14:20,957 --> 01:14:24,628
Cram it up your cramhole,
La Fleur.
1221
01:14:24,711 --> 01:14:28,173
Prepare to be humiliated
on cable television.
1222
01:14:28,256 --> 01:14:30,383
Whatever.
1223
01:14:32,302 --> 01:14:35,639
- Nice of you to show up.
- Yeah, I thought so too.
1224
01:14:35,722 --> 01:14:38,516
What? I got a plan.
1225
01:14:40,435 --> 01:14:43,647
Okay, guys. Let's play smart.
Wait for your two-on-ones.
1226
01:14:43,730 --> 01:14:46,650
Cover closely for your pickups.
What's our team motto?
1227
01:14:46,733 --> 01:14:48,985
- Aim low?
- That's right.
1228
01:14:49,069 --> 01:14:51,946
All I'm asking is that
your give it your best for Patches.
1229
01:14:52,030 --> 01:14:56,326
I say we go out there, we let it all hang loose,
try to have some fun.
1230
01:14:56,409 --> 01:14:59,162
I mean, it's only dodgeball, right?
1231
01:14:59,245 --> 01:15:03,083
- Put 'em in. One, two, three—
- Joe's!
1232
01:15:26,606 --> 01:15:28,608
Globo Gym ready!
1233
01:15:28,692 --> 01:15:30,777
Average Joe's ready!
1234
01:15:33,571 --> 01:15:37,325
- Dodgeball!
- The championship match is underway.
1235
01:15:37,409 --> 01:15:40,328
Average Joe's versus
the Globo Gym goliath.
1236
01:15:40,412 --> 01:15:45,875
Ooh! Quick elimination there for Kate Veatch.
1237
01:15:45,959 --> 01:15:49,879
White Goodman's hit!
The ball goes up for grabs, and...
1238
01:15:49,963 --> 01:15:53,842
- it's caught!
- That's a catch!
- You're out, La Fleur!
1239
01:15:53,925 --> 01:15:58,888
Peter La Fleur has got to sit out, and
Joe's has lost their two best players early.
1240
01:15:58,972 --> 01:16:03,935
Dwight Baumgarten still playing hard
Hits Me'Shell Jones right on the dome!
1241
01:16:04,018 --> 01:16:07,272
You're mine next time!
1242
01:16:07,355 --> 01:16:10,692
- Hyah!
- Oh! Right in the tokhes.
1243
01:16:10,775 --> 01:16:14,320
Two-one, ese,
and Globo Gym is dominating.
1244
01:16:18,366 --> 01:16:20,827
- Hi.
- Hey.
1245
01:16:23,037 --> 01:16:25,558
- You're out! You're out!
- I don't know what that was all about.
1246
01:16:25,582 --> 01:16:28,334
But it leaves Joe's on the wrong side
of a 4-2 advantage.
1247
01:16:30,462 --> 01:16:33,506
Joe's gets an elimination.
It's two on three.
1248
01:16:33,590 --> 01:16:36,092
- Get out!
- Gordo!
1249
01:16:36,176 --> 01:16:39,846
Lose your temper, Gordo. Get mad!
1250
01:16:39,929 --> 01:16:42,950
White Goodman with a catch! Gordon Pibb
goes out, Me'Shell Jones comes back in.
1251
01:16:42,974 --> 01:16:45,685
Whoo! You're out, four-eyes!
1252
01:16:45,769 --> 01:16:48,855
It's all up to Average Joe's
youngest member.
1253
01:16:48,938 --> 01:16:51,566
- He's gotta make a play here, Pepper.
- Yeah, word, Cotton.
1254
01:16:51,649 --> 01:16:54,402
Four Cobras and one Joe.
1255
01:16:54,486 --> 01:16:58,406
Even a rabid mongoose wouldn't have
a chance now— Oh! Nice dodge!
1256
01:16:58,490 --> 01:17:00,450
- Stay alive! Stay alive! Stay alive!
- Catch one!
1257
01:17:02,744 --> 01:17:04,829
They're just toying
with the young man now.
1258
01:17:04,913 --> 01:17:06,974
He's got to avoid getting hit here, Cotton.
1259
01:17:06,998 --> 01:17:09,751
- That's the key.
- Justin, let's go, let's go.
1260
01:17:09,834 --> 01:17:13,505
Oh! That's a great catch! And another!
1261
01:17:13,588 --> 01:17:16,007
Peter La Fleur comes back
into the game!
1262
01:17:16,090 --> 01:17:18,551
Just like that,
a three-player swing.
1263
01:17:18,635 --> 01:17:21,846
- Joe's isn't done yet.
- Justin!
1264
01:17:21,930 --> 01:17:25,558
- I love you!
- I love you t—
1265
01:17:25,642 --> 01:17:29,270
Joanie Loves Chachi!
1266
01:17:29,354 --> 01:17:31,731
Two players left on each side.
What a match.
1267
01:17:31,815 --> 01:17:36,736
What a sport! Throw out the rule book,
folks. It's down and dirty now.
1268
01:17:36,820 --> 01:17:39,405
Street dodgeball.
1269
01:17:41,491 --> 01:17:44,953
Look out! La Fleur goes down.
He's a sitting duck!
1270
01:17:45,036 --> 01:17:49,999
Noooo!
1271
01:17:50,083 --> 01:17:53,962
How about that, folks? Kate Veatch
takes the dodgeball bullet for Peter La Fleur.
1272
01:17:54,045 --> 01:17:56,256
Now, that's sacrifice!
1273
01:17:56,339 --> 01:17:59,425
As touching a moment as we've seen
on the dodgeball court all tournament.
1274
01:18:01,386 --> 01:18:04,264
- Hey!
- Oh, a blatant cheap shot from White Goodman.
1275
01:18:04,347 --> 01:18:07,559
That's court misconduct! That's a warning!
1276
01:18:07,642 --> 01:18:09,561
Oh, come on!
Gimme a break!
1277
01:18:10,770 --> 01:18:13,314
- You okay? Jesus.
- Yeah. I'm fine.
1278
01:18:13,398 --> 01:18:15,292
- Are you sure?
- Yeah. I'm all right. I'm all right.
1279
01:18:15,316 --> 01:18:18,361
- It was an accident! Come on!
I thought she was in play.
- Not a chance.
1280
01:18:18,444 --> 01:18:21,698
We're sweating like greased monkeys
out here! I can't hold on to a ball.
1281
01:18:21,781 --> 01:18:24,993
- Sorry, miss, but you're out.
You got to get off the court.
- Right.
1282
01:18:25,076 --> 01:18:27,370
- Watch him, man! Come on.
- Hey, Peter!
1283
01:18:27,453 --> 01:18:30,665
- Yeah?
- Kick his ass.
1284
01:18:30,748 --> 01:18:34,460
- Here comes the in-game restart.
- Players, to your positions!
1285
01:18:34,544 --> 01:18:39,048
Looks like it's gonna be a two-on-one,
a ménage à trois of pain.
1286
01:18:39,132 --> 01:18:41,801
Usually you pay double
for that kind of action, Cotton.
1287
01:18:44,971 --> 01:18:48,600
You're playing ready dodgeball.
Balls are at your feet.
1288
01:18:48,683 --> 01:18:51,019
Ready? Dodgeball!
1289
01:18:51,102 --> 01:18:54,397
It's a cat-and-mouse game,
folks. Peter La Fleur...
1290
01:18:54,480 --> 01:18:57,150
has got to wait for his shot.
1291
01:18:58,902 --> 01:19:03,364
He gets the elimination!
1292
01:19:03,448 --> 01:19:09,203
Oh, my! Globo Gym wins.
A Cinderella story cast asunder.
1293
01:19:09,287 --> 01:19:11,915
Average Joe's has
come all this way for nothing.
1294
01:19:11,998 --> 01:19:15,460
- Absolutely nothing.
- They're not gonna get anything, Cotton.
1295
01:19:15,543 --> 01:19:19,297
No elimination! Double fault!
1296
01:19:19,380 --> 01:19:21,549
Double fault! You stepped
over the line on the throw!
1297
01:19:21,633 --> 01:19:23,468
- Double fault!
- What?
1298
01:19:23,551 --> 01:19:25,988
You out of your mind?
That is the worst call I have ever seen!
1299
01:19:26,012 --> 01:19:29,033
I'm out here bustin' my butt, and you
come in here with a bush-league call like that?
1300
01:19:29,057 --> 01:19:33,603
- That is total bullcrap!
- A.D.A.A. continuation rule 113-D, sir.
1301
01:19:33,686 --> 01:19:36,814
- Sudden death!
- All right! Bring it!
1302
01:19:36,898 --> 01:19:40,360
I don't believe it, folks. Sudden death!
1303
01:19:40,443 --> 01:19:44,697
Well, let me tell ya.
A double-fault final play elimination...
1304
01:19:44,781 --> 01:19:48,284
hasn't occurred since
the Helsinki episode of 1919.
1305
01:19:48,368 --> 01:19:51,120
And I think we all remember
how that turned out.
1306
01:19:51,204 --> 01:19:55,333
Ladies and gentlemen, prepare to witness
the greatest happening in sport.
1307
01:19:55,416 --> 01:19:57,710
Sudden-death dodgeball.
1308
01:19:57,794 --> 01:20:00,254
- Pepper needs new shorts!
- Oh!
1309
01:20:02,215 --> 01:20:05,426
White, Peter—
this is sudden death.
1310
01:20:05,510 --> 01:20:09,347
Only striking an opposing
player eliminates him.
1311
01:20:09,430 --> 01:20:11,641
Catching the ball does nothing.
1312
01:20:11,724 --> 01:20:15,770
Both feet must remain
in the triangle at all times.
1313
01:20:15,853 --> 01:20:18,106
You may throw anytime
after my call.
1314
01:20:18,189 --> 01:20:21,484
Understood?
1315
01:20:21,567 --> 01:20:25,113
Okay. Let's have a clean match.
Good luck, gentlemen.
1316
01:20:25,196 --> 01:20:28,574
This is it, "La Loser."
1317
01:20:30,034 --> 01:20:34,831
You ready for the—
whoo— hurricane?
1318
01:20:34,914 --> 01:20:38,584
Just don't go cryin' to mama when I spank you
in front of all these people, White.
1319
01:20:39,919 --> 01:20:42,005
You don't go cryin'
to your daddy...
1320
01:20:42,088 --> 01:20:44,882
after I wipe it up
with your face.
1321
01:20:46,384 --> 01:20:48,594
- Uh, White?
- Yeah?
1322
01:20:48,678 --> 01:20:51,305
You look awful fat
in those pants.
1323
01:20:51,389 --> 01:20:53,683
Players to your positions!
1324
01:20:53,766 --> 01:20:57,061
Sudden death is all about
gamesmanship, folks. Throw too early...
1325
01:20:57,145 --> 01:21:00,523
and you're defenseless;
throw too late and you're eliminated.
1326
01:21:00,606 --> 01:21:04,110
Dilemma,
thy name is dodgeball.
1327
01:21:04,193 --> 01:21:07,321
This sport doesn't build character,
it reveals it.
1328
01:21:07,405 --> 01:21:10,450
"F"-in' "A", Cotton.
"F"-in' "A"!
1329
01:21:12,285 --> 01:21:14,412
Come on, talk to me.
1330
01:21:16,122 --> 01:21:18,249
Listen up, crotch stain.
1331
01:21:18,332 --> 01:21:22,879
Remember your training,
and trust your instincts.
1332
01:21:22,962 --> 01:21:25,590
You can do it!
I believe in you.
1333
01:21:27,633 --> 01:21:30,303
Bye-bye.
1334
01:21:30,386 --> 01:21:34,432
- Right.
- Players turn, and step in.
1335
01:21:50,198 --> 01:21:54,202
- What the hell's he doin'?
- I don't know.
1336
01:21:57,080 --> 01:22:01,626
- Get a load of this guy.
- In 23 years of broadcasting...
1337
01:22:01,709 --> 01:22:03,812
I thought I'd seen it all,
folks, but it looks like...
1338
01:22:03,836 --> 01:22:06,756
Peter La Fleur has
actually blindfolded himself.
1339
01:22:06,839 --> 01:22:09,634
Yeah, he will not be able
to see very well, Cotton.
1340
01:22:18,643 --> 01:22:21,729
Ready?
1341
01:22:25,900 --> 01:22:29,904
Dodgeball!
1342
01:22:35,034 --> 01:22:39,372
Good-bye, Peter.
I always knew you were weak.
1343
01:22:43,417 --> 01:22:46,546
Air Goodman, comin' at ya!
1344
01:22:54,387 --> 01:22:57,515
Down goes Goodman!
Down goes Goodman!
1345
01:22:57,598 --> 01:23:00,518
Winner! Average Joe's!
1346
01:23:04,355 --> 01:23:08,693
- Wow!
- Do you believe in unlikelihoods?
1347
01:23:08,776 --> 01:23:13,489
Average Joe's shocking the dodgeball world
and upsetting Globo Gym...
1348
01:23:13,573 --> 01:23:15,741
in the championship match.
1349
01:23:15,825 --> 01:23:20,329
- Unbelievable!
- Ladies and gentlemen, I have
been to the Great Wall of China.
1350
01:23:20,413 --> 01:23:24,333
I have seen the pyramids of Egypt. I've
even witnessed a grown man satisfy a camel.
1351
01:23:24,417 --> 01:23:26,878
But never, in all my years
as a sportscaster...
1352
01:23:26,961 --> 01:23:32,008
have I witnessed something as improbable—
as impossible— as what we've witnessed today.
1353
01:23:32,091 --> 01:23:35,178
The little team that could—
Average Joe's Gymnasium...
1354
01:23:35,261 --> 01:23:38,764
underdogs throughout—
stand before us aglow...
1355
01:23:38,848 --> 01:23:41,976
As true dodgeball champions.
1356
01:23:42,059 --> 01:23:46,731
On behalf of the American Dodgeball
Association of America...
1357
01:23:46,814 --> 01:23:51,194
it is my honor to present to you
this check of $50,000!
1358
01:23:57,867 --> 01:24:00,703
What are you so happy about, La Fleur?
None of this matters.
1359
01:24:00,786 --> 01:24:03,372
You signed your gym
over to me last night. Remember?
1360
01:24:03,456 --> 01:24:07,460
You lost. I won.
Suck failure, freaks.
1361
01:24:07,543 --> 01:24:10,922
Peter, is that true?
1362
01:24:11,005 --> 01:24:16,552
Yeah, it's true. It's true I sold
Average Joe's to White.
1363
01:24:16,636 --> 01:24:19,222
It's true that
every man has his price.
1364
01:24:19,305 --> 01:24:23,976
And it's also true that money won
is a lot sweeter than money earned.
1365
01:24:24,060 --> 01:24:27,647
- Now he's a "philosophizer".
- Excuse us. Step aside, please.
1366
01:24:29,607 --> 01:24:31,984
Here are your winnings,
Mr. La Fleur. Congratulations.
1367
01:24:32,068 --> 01:24:34,671
- Right on time. I appreciate it. Thank you, boys.
- What is that? Who is that?
1368
01:24:34,695 --> 01:24:37,448
- Wh-What winnings? What is that?
- Gosh, I forgot to tell you.
1369
01:24:37,531 --> 01:24:42,286
I took the $100,000 bribe that you gave me
last night and I put it on us to win.
1370
01:24:42,370 --> 01:24:47,625
We were goin' off at 50-to-1. Anyone? Top
of your head? What's 50 times $100,000?
1371
01:24:47,708 --> 01:24:53,089
- $50,000?
- Five million dollars! Peter, are you kidding me?
1372
01:24:53,172 --> 01:24:55,466
Surprise!
1373
01:24:58,469 --> 01:25:01,764
Stick it in your ear, La Fleur.
I wouldn't sell you your gym back...
1374
01:25:01,847 --> 01:25:03,891
for all of King Midas's silver.
1375
01:25:03,975 --> 01:25:05,977
The gym is mine!
So you can take your band...
1376
01:25:06,060 --> 01:25:08,854
of yellow-bellied losers
and crawl out of here.
1377
01:25:08,938 --> 01:25:12,733
You're right. I can't make you sell
Average Joe's back to me, so...
1378
01:25:12,817 --> 01:25:16,070
I guess I'll just take your advice
and invest in something.
1379
01:25:16,153 --> 01:25:18,572
Say, uh, the controlling
stake of Globo Gym.
1380
01:25:18,656 --> 01:25:20,283
That's preposterous! I'd never allow it.
1381
01:25:20,366 --> 01:25:23,995
Globo Gym is a publicly-traded company,
there is nothing you can do about it.
1382
01:25:24,078 --> 01:25:29,792
So, I would control Globo Gym
and everything that Globo Gym owns...
1383
01:25:29,875 --> 01:25:33,838
which, as of last night,
is Average Joe's Gym!
1384
01:25:35,423 --> 01:25:37,758
- I'm your new boss, White.
- You can't be my boss!
1385
01:25:37,842 --> 01:25:40,177
Nobody's my boss. I'm my own boss!
I created myself!
1386
01:25:40,261 --> 01:25:43,431
- You're fired, pal.
- You can't do anything to me!
1387
01:25:43,514 --> 01:25:47,018
You're goin' down, La Fleur.
You're going down like a sweet muffin!
1388
01:25:47,101 --> 01:25:50,771
- Another time. Another time.
- You suck, La Fleur!
1389
01:25:52,606 --> 01:25:54,734
Give me that!
1390
01:25:57,653 --> 01:26:00,865
- I mean, the blindfold was crazy.
- Hey, hey.
1391
01:26:00,948 --> 01:26:04,368
Peter.
1392
01:26:04,452 --> 01:26:06,912
Look, it's Steve the Pirate.
1393
01:26:09,498 --> 01:26:12,710
- Wow.
- I just wanted to tell you...
1394
01:26:12,793 --> 01:26:14,962
that I thought about
what you said...
1395
01:26:15,046 --> 01:26:19,342
and...
I guess you're right.
1396
01:26:19,425 --> 01:26:21,761
I'm not really a pirate.
1397
01:26:23,262 --> 01:26:25,848
I don't know, Steve.
1398
01:26:25,931 --> 01:26:30,811
I mean, if you're not a pirate, who the hell
am I gonna split all that buried treasure with?
1399
01:26:33,314 --> 01:26:36,317
Garr.
1400
01:26:36,400 --> 01:26:39,987
- Peter—
- Garr, Steve.
1401
01:26:40,071 --> 01:26:44,408
It's beautiful.
Hyah-hah!
1402
01:26:45,951 --> 01:26:47,995
We missed you.
1403
01:26:51,123 --> 01:26:54,919
- Hey, you.
- Hey, you.
1404
01:26:56,629 --> 01:26:58,631
- Joyce?
- Kate!
1405
01:26:58,714 --> 01:27:02,051
- What are you doing here?
I thought you were in Guam.
- I caught an earlier flight.
1406
01:27:02,134 --> 01:27:05,638
- I wouldn't have missed this for the world.
- You are amazing.
1407
01:27:09,642 --> 01:27:14,188
- I told you she was a lesbian.
- Wow. Good call.
1408
01:27:14,271 --> 01:27:17,858
Hey! I'm not a lesbian.
1409
01:27:17,942 --> 01:27:19,610
You're not?
1410
01:27:19,693 --> 01:27:22,696
No. I'm bisexual.
1411
01:27:25,116 --> 01:27:27,284
Oh! Snap!
1412
01:27:27,368 --> 01:27:31,455
All right. Everybody?
Smile big.
1413
01:27:36,419 --> 01:27:40,339
Hi, I'm Peter La Fleur, owner
and operator of Average Joe's Gym.
1414
01:27:40,423 --> 01:27:44,135
And I'm here to tell ya,
you're perfect just the way you are.
1415
01:27:44,218 --> 01:27:47,138
But if you feel like losin' a few pounds,
gettin' healthier...
1416
01:27:47,221 --> 01:27:49,598
and makin' some good friends
in the process...
1417
01:27:49,682 --> 01:27:51,684
then Joe's is the place for you.
1418
01:27:51,767 --> 01:27:55,438
Don't forget that youth dodgeball classes
are forming right now.
1419
01:27:55,521 --> 01:27:57,565
So come on down
and learn a great game...
1420
01:27:57,648 --> 01:27:59,650
the way it's supposed
to be played.
1421
01:27:59,733 --> 01:28:01,819
- Right, kids?
- Right!
1422
01:28:11,996 --> 01:28:13,998
Spare me.
1423
01:28:14,081 --> 01:28:16,459
I won that tournament.
1424
01:28:19,462 --> 01:28:22,089
Fuckin' Chuck Norris.
1425
01:28:27,845 --> 01:28:31,682
{\an8}♪ You and I travel to the beat
of a different drum ♪
1426
01:28:31,765 --> 01:28:35,060
{\an8}♪ Oh, can't you tell
by the way I run ♪
1427
01:28:35,144 --> 01:28:37,813
{\an8}♪ Every time you make eyes at me ♪
1428
01:28:37,897 --> 01:28:40,649
{\an8}♪ Whoa-oh
You cry ♪
1429
01:28:40,733 --> 01:28:43,694
{\an8}♪ And moan and say
it'll work out ♪
1430
01:28:43,777 --> 01:28:46,572
{\an8}♪ But honey child
I've got my doubts ♪
1431
01:28:46,655 --> 01:28:50,534
{\an8}♪ You can't see the forest
for the trees ♪
1432
01:28:50,618 --> 01:28:53,787
{\an8}♪ So, don't get me wrong
It's not that I knock it ♪
1433
01:28:53,871 --> 01:28:58,250
{\an8}♪ It's just that I am not in the market
for a boy who wants ♪
1434
01:28:58,334 --> 01:29:02,505
{\an8}♪ To love only me, yeah ♪
1435
01:29:02,588 --> 01:29:05,799
{\an8}♪ Yeah, and I ain't sayin'
you ain't pretty ♪
1436
01:29:05,883 --> 01:29:08,677
{\an8}♪ All I'm sayin' is I'm not ready ♪
1437
01:29:08,761 --> 01:29:11,722
{\an8}♪ For any person place or thing ♪
1438
01:29:11,805 --> 01:29:16,018
{\an8}♪ To try to pull the reins
in on me ♪
1439
01:29:16,101 --> 01:29:18,270
{\an8}♪ That's all ♪
1440
01:29:23,609 --> 01:29:25,528
{\an8}♪ Yeah ♪
1441
01:29:25,611 --> 01:29:30,115
{\an8}♪ Whoo! All right
Yeah ♪
1442
01:31:27,608 --> 01:31:30,903
Yeah. Hope you're
all happy now.
1443
01:31:30,986 --> 01:31:33,447
Good guy wins, bad guy loses.
1444
01:31:33,530 --> 01:31:37,284
Big friggin' surprise.
1445
01:31:37,368 --> 01:31:40,204
I love happy endings.
1446
01:31:42,289 --> 01:31:44,500
You know, that's
the problem with...
1447
01:31:44,583 --> 01:31:46,710
the American cinema.
1448
01:31:46,794 --> 01:31:49,254
Can't handle any complexity in it.
You know?
1449
01:31:49,338 --> 01:31:52,049
"Don't make me think.
I just want to be entertained."
1450
01:31:53,717 --> 01:31:55,719
All right, fine.
1451
01:31:55,803 --> 01:31:59,390
Want a little somethin'-somethin'
for the ride home?
1452
01:31:59,473 --> 01:32:01,517
Check these boots out for size.
1453
01:32:03,811 --> 01:32:06,081
♪ My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard ♪
1454
01:32:06,105 --> 01:32:07,981
♪ And they're like
It's better than yours ♪
1455
01:32:08,065 --> 01:32:10,150
♪ Damn right
It's better than yours ♪
1456
01:32:10,234 --> 01:32:12,319
♪ I could teach you
But I'd have to charge ♪
1457
01:32:12,403 --> 01:32:18,909
♪ You want it
What the boys go crazy for ♪
1458
01:32:18,992 --> 01:32:23,080
♪ They lose their mind
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard ♪
1459
01:32:23,163 --> 01:32:24,957
♪ Damn right
It's better than yours ♪
1460
01:32:25,040 --> 01:32:28,877
♪ I could teach you
but I'd have to charge ♪♪
1461
01:32:28,961 --> 01:32:31,213
You happy?
1462
01:32:31,296 --> 01:32:33,382
Fatty make a funny?
1462
01:32:34,305 --> 01:33:34,891
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