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Watch Online Movies and Series for FREE
www.osdb.link/lm

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Hello, and welcome
to It's Clarkson On TV.

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Now, if you're anything like me,

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you'll have had to sign up
for thousands of services

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just to watch all the things
you want to see on TV.

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Obviously,
there's the BBC TV licence,

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which is £53 for black and white,
but - call me reckless -

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I decided to splash out.
LAUGHTER

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I went for colour.
LAUGHTER

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£157.50.
LAUGHTER

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And that was just the start,
cos then there's Netflix,

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and Amazon, and BT Sport,

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and Sky, and Sky Movies,
and Sky Sports,

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and PornHub Premium.
LAUGHTER

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And all of this
is costing me £137 a month.

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That's why I'm doing this show
reviewing TV,

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so I can claim it back against tax.
LAUGHTER

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However, I then realised
I'd completely forgotten

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to subscribe
to Icelandic television,

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which meant I wasn't able to see

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this hilariously bad-tempered man
storming off a quiz show.

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THEY SPEAK ICELANDIC

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APPLAUSE

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SMASHING,
PRESENTER YELLS

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GLASS BREAKING,
SHE SPEAKS ICELANDIC

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LAUGHTER

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THEY SPEAK ICELANDIC

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SMASHING AND CRASHING,
LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE
He was brilliant, wasn't he?

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The other thing
I wasn't able to watch,

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because I wasn't spending
£7.99 a month on Disney+,

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was the much talked-about
Mandalorian,

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which, so far as I can tell,
is a marketing exercise

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designed to make you spend
a further £21 on a small green doll.

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LAUGHTER

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I'm gonna start the landing cycle,
you'd better get back in your seat.

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BABY YODA COOS

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Hey, what did I tell you?
Back in your seat.

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Because so many people
were talking about this, however,

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I eventually signed up,
and I wish I hadn't.

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Because I'm sorry, but a bloke in a
costume trying to look after his kid

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has a bit of
a Fathers 4 Justice vibe.

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LAUGHTER

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I genuinely don't get it.
It's just a guy in a mask!

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He might be doing
amazing things in there,

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but what's the point,
when we can't see his face?

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It'd be like putting James Bond
in a wheelie bin!

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Is he happy? Is he sad?
Is he aroused? We don't know.

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LAUGHTER

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And this, of course,
brings me onto The Masked Singer,

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the show where someone comes on
in a silly costume and sings,

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and then you have to guess
who it is.

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Now, the problem I have
with this show

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is that the person in the sausage
and chips outfit could be anyone.

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Could be Moira Stuart,
could be Sebastian Coe,

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could be my postman.
LAUGHTER

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And even if it does eventually
turn out to be a postman,

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the panel of judges
always goes berserk.

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ALL CHANT: Take it off, take it off,
take it off, take it off!

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# Who's that behind the mask? #
CHEERING

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It's Glenn Hoddle!
Yes, it's Glenn Hoddle, everybody!

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It's only Glenn Hoddle!

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England manager, player...
Oh, my God!

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LAUGHTER

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Why were you reacting like that
to Glenn Hoddle?

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You've gone too big too soon.

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Cos what if, next week,
it's Barack Obama?

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LAUGHTER

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It's Barack Obama!

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Or UN weapons inspector Hans Blix?

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LAUGHTER

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I would actually quite like
to see him on Masked Singer.

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Anyway,
inspired by The Masked Singer,

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this is what I've been hearing
in my head

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when I was watching
The Mandalorian.

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"Is it Glenn Hoddle?
Is it Hans Blix?"

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LAUGHTER
Who's behind the mask?

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Take it off, take it off,
take it off, take it off....

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CROWD CHANTS: Take it off, take it
off, take it off, take it off...

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THEY CHANT,
LAUGHTER

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Who are you?
LAUGHTER

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Come on!

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Who is it?
LAUGHTER

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He'll have to take it off
eventually,

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especially if he wants
to go into the Post Office.

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LAUGHTER
There's a sign on the door.

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And when he does take it off,
you'll all go,

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"Oh, look, it's that guy
from Narcos,

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"the one who did
the clever sword dancing thing

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"in Game Of Thrones.
He's brilliant. What a waste."

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LAUGHTER

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Anyway, while I haven't really been
enjoying watching

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a man with a bucket on his head,

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the big American drama
I HAVE been glued to

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is Yellowstone on Amazon Prime,

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which is primarily
an excuse for Kevin Costner

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to stare into the middle distance
while saying something profound.

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LAUGHTER

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When you know it's coming,

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tomorrow stops
factoring into your decisions,

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cos you know
you're never gonna see it.

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And then you...
HE CHUCKLES

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..then you live.

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But Dad, I just said I was going
into town and did you want anything?

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LAUGHTER

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And I know the writers wanted
Kevin to seem full of wisdom,

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but he just sounds like he's
reading out inspirational quotes

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he's seen on Instagram.
LAUGHTER

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All the angels are gone, son.
There's only devils left.

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Well, the whole world's a test, son.

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Don't ever let it trick you
into thinkin' different.

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Every man needs a dream, Dan, but...

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dreams take courage.
LAUGHTER

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I'll show you, genuinely,
how they wrote this show.

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I've got my phone out
while you were watching that, OK?

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And this is inspirational quotes
on Instagram.

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I'm gonna not cheat,
I'll just go along randomly.

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There's one. Ready?

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GRAVELLY VOICE:
"A seed grows with no sound..."

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"but a tree falls
with huge noise."

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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"Destruction has noise,
but creation is quiet."

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LAUGHTER

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"If you don't like where you are...

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"move."

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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Anyway, tragically,
we must now move on...

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to Nigel Havers.

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He's a national treasure.
Nobody hates him,

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apart from his agent,
who, so far as I can tell,

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only ever gets him jobs
that are humiliating and terrible.

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LAUGHTER
I mean, check out this scene

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that he was given
in the ITV drama Finding Alice.

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Oh, no. It's a runny one.

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Oh. Oh, Dudley.
Just get out of the way, would you?

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DOG WHINES

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Oh! Ah....
LAUGHTER

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Have you got any wet wipes?

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No, they're bad. They make fatbergs.

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Ugh...

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AUDIENCE GROANS AND LAUGHS
Imagine Kevin Costner doing that.

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LAUGHTER

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GRAVELLY VOICE: "Son, you only
get out of a dog what you put in."

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LAUGHTER

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But Nigel must have dreamed,
after picking up the faeces,

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that his next job would be
in The Night Manager, in Majorca,

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as the love interest
of Elizabeth Debicki.

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Afraid not.
Instead, his agent called to say,

150
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"Nige, we have got
a great little gig,

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"where you go to a luxury hotel...
and you work there."

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LAUGHTER

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Does this all belong to one person?

154
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Yes, and we need to get these up
as quickly as possible.

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Mr Havers. Yes.
You will be making beds now.

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Oh, great. I'll introduce you, then,
to Vaida...

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Oh, hello, Vaida.

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..who will help you to make beds.
Very nice to meet you.

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But I'm expecting you to make a bed.

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OK. So, I leave you for now. Right.
LAUGHTER

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And I'll come back later.
OK. Thank you very much.

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After this, though,
things looked up.

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They sent him off in the summer

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to go punting on a river
and drive a sports car.

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There are three iconic buildings
in Cambridge,

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but this is probably the most
iconic. King's College.

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HORN MUSIC

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This is what you call motoring.

169
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Now, that all looks great,

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but it was right in the middle
of the pandemic.

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LAUGHTER

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Everyone else was at home,
but not Havers.

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Even though he was nearly 70,

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he was made to go outside
and ingest COVID for a month!

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LAUGHTER
Mind you, that was nothing

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compared to what his evil agent
came up with next.

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A show called The Bidding Room.

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Wouldn't it be great
if there was a place

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where you could bring
all your interesting objects,

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have them valued,
and then sell them?

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Hang on... There is!

182
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Yes, Nigel, eBay.
LAUGHTER

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The poor man was being made
to take on

184
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a multi-billion dollar tech giant,

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armed only with a blazer,
a winning smile,

186
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a cast of weirdos
and some delusional punters,

187
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who arrive at the studio

188
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looking like they've just come from
a fight at a wedding.

189
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Wow, OK. How long
have you had this object for?

190
00:10:02,390 --> 00:10:04,350
Since I was a child.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

191
00:10:04,350 --> 00:10:06,030
It's made of brass.
Is it brass?

192
00:10:06,030 --> 00:10:07,910
It could be brass,
it could be bronze.

193
00:10:07,910 --> 00:10:10,830
And what would you do
with the money if you did sell it?

194
00:10:10,830 --> 00:10:14,310
A mortgage.
LAUGHTER

195
00:10:14,310 --> 00:10:19,070
So, this man believes that he will
be able to pay off his mortgage

196
00:10:19,070 --> 00:10:22,110
by selling
that hideous brass ornament

197
00:10:22,110 --> 00:10:24,750
to one of the panel
of antique experts.

198
00:10:24,750 --> 00:10:27,230
So, let's see how he gets on.

199
00:10:27,230 --> 00:10:30,150
I'm out, but thanks. Ta.

200
00:10:30,150 --> 00:10:33,510
£25.
£30.

201
00:10:33,510 --> 00:10:35,710
That is very far from a mortgage.
HE LAUGHS

202
00:10:35,710 --> 00:10:39,430
All right, I'm back in, then. £35.
Wow!

203
00:10:39,430 --> 00:10:43,190
I don't want to go any higher,
but I'll offer you £40. Right.

204
00:10:44,230 --> 00:10:47,550
Well, that should be enough
to get him on the ladder (!)

205
00:10:47,550 --> 00:10:49,790
Not the property ladder,
just a stepladder.

206
00:10:49,790 --> 00:10:52,470
LAUGHTER
But then it turned out... No!

207
00:10:52,470 --> 00:10:56,150
OK, so, everybody else is out.
What were you hoping to get for it?

208
00:10:56,150 --> 00:10:58,510
I was talking about thousands.

209
00:10:58,510 --> 00:11:00,070
Thousands? Yeah.

210
00:11:00,070 --> 00:11:04,470
Thousands? Yeah, because I thought
it was very old, that's why.

211
00:11:04,470 --> 00:11:07,950
And old means, you know, value.

212
00:11:07,950 --> 00:11:10,790
As we're that far away,
I'm just gonna withdraw my bid

213
00:11:10,790 --> 00:11:12,070
and say I'm out.

214
00:11:12,070 --> 00:11:15,270
That is not how an auction works,
big boy.

215
00:11:15,270 --> 00:11:17,470
You can't put your hand up
and then say,

216
00:11:17,470 --> 00:11:19,390
"Oh, no, I didn't mean it".

217
00:11:19,390 --> 00:11:21,670
Honestly, it's like
the makers of that programme

218
00:11:21,670 --> 00:11:25,750
just saw a photograph of an auction
and then guessed what was going on.

219
00:11:25,750 --> 00:11:27,630
LAUGHTER

220
00:11:27,630 --> 00:11:29,470
I mean, look what happened
in this next clip

221
00:11:29,470 --> 00:11:32,270
when someone turned up
to sell them a shit plate.

222
00:11:32,270 --> 00:11:34,430
LAUGHTER

223
00:11:34,430 --> 00:11:37,510
The Clarice Cliff pottery plate
is a reproduction,

224
00:11:37,510 --> 00:11:40,270
and valued between £5 and £20.

225
00:11:40,270 --> 00:11:43,510
So, can Keeley persuade
any of the dealers to buy?

226
00:11:43,510 --> 00:11:46,750
Unfortunately, I don't buy plates.

227
00:11:46,750 --> 00:11:48,950
What, ever?
LAUGHTER

228
00:11:48,950 --> 00:11:51,870
What do you eat off, the carpet?
LAUGHTER

229
00:11:51,870 --> 00:11:53,910
Anyway, I digress.

230
00:11:53,910 --> 00:11:59,030
So, let's get back to the producer's
weird idea of what an auction is.

231
00:11:59,030 --> 00:12:00,710
Will you accept £20?

232
00:12:00,710 --> 00:12:02,910
Can you go higher?
Cos it is really nice.

233
00:12:02,910 --> 00:12:05,830
I wouldn't pay more than £20
for a plate to put my toast on.

234
00:12:05,830 --> 00:12:09,390
Not 25? Not even 25?
I'm very happy to pay £20 for it.

235
00:12:09,390 --> 00:12:12,310
Lucy, if you give her the 20,
I'll give you the five. Thank you.

236
00:12:12,310 --> 00:12:14,710
Thank you, Moses, that's great,
and we can share it.

237
00:12:14,710 --> 00:12:16,910
Yes. Well, I don't know about
that. It's all yours.

238
00:12:16,910 --> 00:12:18,030
THEY LAUGH
Aw.

239
00:12:18,030 --> 00:12:20,510
Let me just see
if I've got this straight.

240
00:12:20,510 --> 00:12:24,950
If he sees someone buying tomatoes
for a quid in a shop...

241
00:12:24,950 --> 00:12:28,830
Does he then give the shopkeeper
an extra 50p to not have them?

242
00:12:28,830 --> 00:12:30,310
LAUGHTER

243
00:12:30,310 --> 00:12:33,310
Cos I'm not gonna adopt that policy
on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.

244
00:12:33,310 --> 00:12:37,630
"You've won £32,000,
so here's an extra grand from me."

245
00:12:37,630 --> 00:12:40,190
LAUGHTER
Right, let's take a break,

246
00:12:40,190 --> 00:12:42,590
where, undoubtedly,
there will be an advert

247
00:12:42,590 --> 00:12:45,950
in which Nigel Havers
is made to eat a urinal cake.

248
00:12:45,950 --> 00:12:49,790
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

249
00:12:57,780 --> 00:12:59,700
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

250
00:12:59,700 --> 00:13:01,740
Thank you. Welcome back.

251
00:13:01,740 --> 00:13:04,900
Now, I wanna talk about
another national treasure.

252
00:13:04,900 --> 00:13:08,180
The comfortably-trousered Monty Don.

253
00:13:08,180 --> 00:13:11,700
A really important factor
in why this looks so good

254
00:13:11,700 --> 00:13:16,660
is the soil,
because it's very shallow and poor.

255
00:13:16,660 --> 00:13:20,620
And that means that all these plants
are growing hard.

256
00:13:20,620 --> 00:13:23,660
They're nice and upright
and strong,

257
00:13:23,660 --> 00:13:26,620
whereas if they were
in lush, rich soil,

258
00:13:26,620 --> 00:13:29,540
they would be softer,
and when the wind and the rain came

259
00:13:29,540 --> 00:13:31,780
it would smash them down.

260
00:13:31,780 --> 00:13:35,700
And this lovely, textured tapestry

261
00:13:35,700 --> 00:13:39,380
is dependent upon
the toughness of the plants.

262
00:13:39,380 --> 00:13:44,100
Brilliant. A gardener telling us,
with great authority and eloquence,

263
00:13:44,100 --> 00:13:46,540
about gardening.

264
00:13:46,540 --> 00:13:50,380
But a rare thing on television
these days, because in recent years,

265
00:13:50,380 --> 00:13:53,740
the trend is for getting
random celebrities

266
00:13:53,740 --> 00:13:57,780
to front shows on subjects
about which they know nothing.

267
00:13:57,780 --> 00:14:02,020
So, you get a midwifing show
hosted by a model.

268
00:14:02,020 --> 00:14:05,980
A property show
presented by a footballer.

269
00:14:05,980 --> 00:14:09,100
A cookery show fronted
by a car show presenter...

270
00:14:09,100 --> 00:14:10,340
LAUGHTER

271
00:14:10,340 --> 00:14:12,660
And a car show
hosted by a cricketer.

272
00:14:12,660 --> 00:14:15,900
LAUGHTER
And so, against this backdrop,

273
00:14:15,900 --> 00:14:18,900
who better to host a hard-hitting,
insightful documentary

274
00:14:18,900 --> 00:14:22,740
about the catastrophic
nuclear meltdown at Chernobyl

275
00:14:22,740 --> 00:14:25,820
than former Crufts presenter
Ben Fogle?

276
00:14:25,820 --> 00:14:28,460
LAUGHTER
35 years ago, nuclear disaster

277
00:14:28,460 --> 00:14:31,820
rocked Chernobyl and the world.

278
00:14:31,820 --> 00:14:37,140
Now I have unprecedented access to
the most radioactive place on Earth.

279
00:14:37,140 --> 00:14:39,020
GEIGER COUNTER BEEPS

280
00:14:39,020 --> 00:14:41,180
Unprecedented access?

281
00:14:41,180 --> 00:14:44,020
Not really, Ben. I was there
seven years before you, look.

282
00:14:44,020 --> 00:14:46,820
LAUGHTER
Richard Hammond was there in '86,

283
00:14:46,820 --> 00:14:50,580
for a show called
When Pushing Buttons Goes Wrong.

284
00:14:50,580 --> 00:14:52,740
LAUGHTER

285
00:14:52,740 --> 00:14:54,460
Anyway, this whole business

286
00:14:54,460 --> 00:14:58,700
of getting people to host shows
for which they have no qualification

287
00:14:58,700 --> 00:15:01,020
has now got so out of hand

288
00:15:01,020 --> 00:15:05,500
that when they needed to get two
beluga whales from China to Iceland,

289
00:15:05,500 --> 00:15:07,700
who do you think they called?

290
00:15:07,700 --> 00:15:09,620
LAUGHTER
I'm here because we're gonna try

291
00:15:09,620 --> 00:15:12,220
and bring two
captive beluga whales from China

292
00:15:12,220 --> 00:15:17,580
all the way here, to the world's
first ever beluga whale sanctuary.

293
00:15:17,580 --> 00:15:20,100
Nobody has ever tried to do this
before.

294
00:15:20,100 --> 00:15:22,500
BELUGA WHALE SQUEAKS
Yeah. Yeah.

295
00:15:22,500 --> 00:15:24,420
I mean,
what could possibly go wrong?

296
00:15:24,420 --> 00:15:25,740
LAUGHTER

297
00:15:25,740 --> 00:15:28,340
That's right.
A Liverpudlian comedian.

298
00:15:28,340 --> 00:15:30,860
I mean, if I was booking a host
for that show,

299
00:15:30,860 --> 00:15:33,060
I'd have got to John Bishop
in the end,

300
00:15:33,060 --> 00:15:34,580
but only after I'd thought of

301
00:15:34,580 --> 00:15:36,860
literally everyone else
in the world.

302
00:15:36,860 --> 00:15:38,580
LAUGHTER
Ban Ki-moon...

303
00:15:38,580 --> 00:15:41,260
Morten Harket from A-ha...
LAUGHTER

304
00:15:41,260 --> 00:15:44,820
Former West Ham midfielder
Nigel Reo-Coker...

305
00:15:44,820 --> 00:15:46,620
LAUGHTER
Everybody.

306
00:15:46,620 --> 00:15:51,300
Still, as John said in that clip,
what could possibly go wrong?

307
00:15:51,300 --> 00:15:56,220
Two female beluga whales,
Little Grey and Little White,

308
00:15:56,220 --> 00:16:01,100
have been captive in a Chinese pool
for nearly ten years.

309
00:16:01,100 --> 00:16:04,180
Well, that's one thing
that's going to go wrong.

310
00:16:04,180 --> 00:16:07,180
They're two females.
LAUGHTER

311
00:16:07,180 --> 00:16:10,180
So the breeding programme will
be a disaster. But what do I know?

312
00:16:10,180 --> 00:16:13,460
I'm just a military historian
and farmer.

313
00:16:13,460 --> 00:16:14,980
LAUGHTER

314
00:16:14,980 --> 00:16:18,660
Oh, and I should say this wrong host
business isn't just a British thing.

315
00:16:18,660 --> 00:16:20,660
They've got the same problem
in America.

316
00:16:20,660 --> 00:16:23,580
On Netflix, they have a new show
about glass-making

317
00:16:23,580 --> 00:16:25,340
called Blown Away.

318
00:16:25,340 --> 00:16:28,020
Fascinating subject,
with much to be learned.

319
00:16:28,020 --> 00:16:30,020
So, who did they get to host it?

320
00:16:30,020 --> 00:16:33,900
Yes, absolutely right,
an inline skater called Nick Uhas,

321
00:16:33,900 --> 00:16:38,260
who really didn't have any kind
of handle on the subject at all.

322
00:16:38,260 --> 00:16:39,780
LAUGHTER

323
00:16:39,780 --> 00:16:42,940
What, exactly, is glass?
LAUGHTER

324
00:16:42,940 --> 00:16:46,660
HE IMITATES NICK: So, what is glass?
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

325
00:16:46,660 --> 00:16:49,140
Anyway, moving on.

326
00:16:49,140 --> 00:16:53,020
What if you were making a show
that solves disputes about pets?

327
00:16:53,020 --> 00:16:55,500
Who would you hire for that?

328
00:16:55,500 --> 00:16:57,140
Yes, you're right again,

329
00:16:57,140 --> 00:17:00,900
the baddie from
the 1991 surfer movie Point Break.

330
00:17:00,900 --> 00:17:02,220
LAUGHTER

331
00:17:02,220 --> 00:17:06,020
Each year, across the country,
there are thousands of pet disputes.

332
00:17:06,020 --> 00:17:08,860
Those who want their cases
tried by the best

333
00:17:08,860 --> 00:17:13,540
know there's only one man they can
turn to. And he is thirsty for...

334
00:17:13,540 --> 00:17:16,340
Pet justice!
LAUGHTER

335
00:17:16,340 --> 00:17:18,300
Come here, goat!
HE ULULATES

336
00:17:18,300 --> 00:17:19,940
MONKEY SCREECHES,
HE ROARS

337
00:17:19,940 --> 00:17:21,660
I can really swim...
ALL IMITATE ANIMALS

338
00:17:21,660 --> 00:17:24,500
DOG BARKS
Ah! Ooh! Yeah!

339
00:17:25,700 --> 00:17:27,340
That make sense?

340
00:17:27,340 --> 00:17:31,260
No, Gary Busey. Yeah!
LAUGHTER

341
00:17:31,260 --> 00:17:34,180
APPLAUSE

342
00:17:34,180 --> 00:17:37,100
Yes, children,
that's what cocaine looks like.

343
00:17:37,100 --> 00:17:39,060
LAUGHTER

344
00:17:39,060 --> 00:17:42,300
Now, I've actually nicked the system
television executives use

345
00:17:42,300 --> 00:17:44,660
to make this kind of show
these days.

346
00:17:44,660 --> 00:17:46,900
What they have is a bag of darts

347
00:17:46,900 --> 00:17:50,060
with celebrities' names on them, OK?

348
00:17:50,060 --> 00:17:51,660
And then, two dartboards.

349
00:17:51,660 --> 00:17:54,980
On the left, it's where
the celebrity will be going,

350
00:17:54,980 --> 00:17:58,220
and on the right, what they'll be
doing when they get there.

351
00:17:58,220 --> 00:18:01,340
So, ready? This is genuinely
how it all works.

352
00:18:01,340 --> 00:18:04,100
We'll pop one out here.
Who have we got?

353
00:18:04,100 --> 00:18:06,300
Nicholas Witchell,
the BBC's Royal Correspondent.

354
00:18:06,300 --> 00:18:08,700
LAUGHTER
Let's find out where he's going.

355
00:18:08,700 --> 00:18:11,100
He's going "after dark".
LAUGHTER

356
00:18:11,100 --> 00:18:13,460
Let's find out what he's doing
when he gets there.

357
00:18:13,460 --> 00:18:16,100
Oops!
LAUGHTER

358
00:18:16,100 --> 00:18:19,100
He was... I've been in pubs
and people watch me playing darts,

359
00:18:19,100 --> 00:18:21,540
and go, "Oh, no, look,
there's something wrong with him."

360
00:18:21,540 --> 00:18:23,580
LAUGHTER

361
00:18:23,580 --> 00:18:26,260
Gyrocopting!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

362
00:18:26,260 --> 00:18:30,060
Nicholas Witchell, after dark,
gyrocopting. We haven't finished.

363
00:18:30,060 --> 00:18:32,820
We have not finished,
ladies and gentlemen.

364
00:18:32,820 --> 00:18:35,500
That's just, we only have one show,
so let's go here.

365
00:18:35,500 --> 00:18:37,540
Next one... Anthea Turner.
LAUGHTER

366
00:18:37,540 --> 00:18:39,740
Where is Anthea Turner going?

367
00:18:40,740 --> 00:18:42,660
Nowhere.
LAUGHTER

368
00:18:42,660 --> 00:18:45,100
Quite literally, Anthea.
I'm sorry about that,

369
00:18:45,100 --> 00:18:47,700
but you are literally going -
you're out of work.

370
00:18:47,700 --> 00:18:50,060
Oh, no, there we are.
She's going to her nana's house.

371
00:18:50,060 --> 00:18:52,220
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

372
00:18:52,220 --> 00:18:54,740
And when she's
at her nana's house...

373
00:18:57,060 --> 00:18:58,540
LAUGHTER

374
00:18:58,540 --> 00:19:01,940
Wait, wait, wait. Wait.

375
00:19:01,940 --> 00:19:04,220
LAUGHTER,
HE LAUGHS

376
00:19:04,220 --> 00:19:06,460
I can't be that bad,
I simply can't be.

377
00:19:06,460 --> 00:19:09,700
And yet, I am!
LAUGHTER

378
00:19:09,700 --> 00:19:11,020
We've gotta get it in,

379
00:19:11,020 --> 00:19:14,380
because television is waiting
for this next huge show.

380
00:19:14,380 --> 00:19:16,700
Anthea Turner at her nana's house...

381
00:19:16,700 --> 00:19:20,100
Illegal forestry!
CHEERING AND LAUGHTER

382
00:19:20,100 --> 00:19:21,900
So, here we are, we have a show.

383
00:19:21,900 --> 00:19:24,060
It's Anthea Turner,

384
00:19:24,060 --> 00:19:27,060
at her nana's house,
doing illegal forestry!

385
00:19:27,060 --> 00:19:29,660
What do you think of that?!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

386
00:19:29,660 --> 00:19:32,940
That is 180...

387
00:19:32,940 --> 00:19:34,580
viewers.

388
00:19:34,580 --> 00:19:37,060
LAUGHTER

389
00:19:37,060 --> 00:19:39,820
My favourite example
of this phenomenon

390
00:19:39,820 --> 00:19:42,900
is Interior Design Masters
on BBC Two.

391
00:19:42,900 --> 00:19:45,420
Now, to make
this Apprentice-style show,

392
00:19:45,420 --> 00:19:48,420
they found an expert -
an Alan Sugar, if you will -

393
00:19:48,420 --> 00:19:50,820
then they found
a Nick and some Margarets

394
00:19:50,820 --> 00:19:52,500
and some contestants.

395
00:19:52,500 --> 00:19:54,980
But then a TV exec said,

396
00:19:54,980 --> 00:19:58,020
"We need a celebrity
to host this thing."

397
00:19:58,020 --> 00:20:00,620
And that was a problem. Who?

398
00:20:00,620 --> 00:20:02,940
They couldn't use
Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen,

399
00:20:02,940 --> 00:20:05,660
cos he is actually
an interior designer.

400
00:20:05,660 --> 00:20:09,700
Couldn't use Nigel Havers, cos
he was in a wet market in Wuhan...

401
00:20:09,700 --> 00:20:11,620
LAUGHTER
..adopting a pangolin.

402
00:20:11,620 --> 00:20:14,540
John Bishop was busy
swimming back from China

403
00:20:14,540 --> 00:20:16,780
with a couple of dead whales
under each arm.

404
00:20:16,780 --> 00:20:18,220
LAUGHTER

405
00:20:18,220 --> 00:20:21,500
Kevin Costner was approached,
and he wrote back saying,

406
00:20:21,500 --> 00:20:24,020
GRAVELLY VOICE:
"You don't know how strong you are

407
00:20:24,020 --> 00:20:27,420
"until being strong's
the only option you have."

408
00:20:27,420 --> 00:20:29,580
LAUGHTER

409
00:20:29,580 --> 00:20:33,020
They couldn't really understand
what he was on about, so in the end,

410
00:20:33,020 --> 00:20:35,180
they hired Alan Carr,

411
00:20:35,180 --> 00:20:37,500
who has to turn up
at the end of every show,

412
00:20:37,500 --> 00:20:39,060
when the judging is happening,

413
00:20:39,060 --> 00:20:43,300
even though there is literally
nothing for him to do.

414
00:20:48,140 --> 00:20:50,860
Staring immediately
at a colleague all the time,

415
00:20:50,860 --> 00:20:52,300
that was my preference.

416
00:20:52,300 --> 00:20:54,900
Been a really tough decision
this week.

417
00:20:54,900 --> 00:20:56,740
LAUGHTER
I'm sorry, Amy, it's you.

418
00:20:59,380 --> 00:21:02,980
Thank you very much
for the opportunity. You're amazing.

419
00:21:02,980 --> 00:21:05,940
It's been lovely
to show people what I can do.

420
00:21:07,060 --> 00:21:10,700
It is getting harder and harder to
draw a line between these designers.

421
00:21:10,700 --> 00:21:13,580
It's really given me the confidence
to do this, moving forwards,

422
00:21:13,580 --> 00:21:17,820
so thank you. It's been,
it's been amazing. Thanks, Alan.

423
00:21:17,820 --> 00:21:20,380
Siobhan...
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

424
00:21:20,380 --> 00:21:23,100
He really is the hosting equivalent
of a bay leaf.

425
00:21:23,100 --> 00:21:24,380
LAUGHTER

426
00:21:24,380 --> 00:21:26,580
And that's not
where his misery ends,

427
00:21:26,580 --> 00:21:28,780
because then,
to promote the programme,

428
00:21:28,780 --> 00:21:32,540
they made him go on the
endlessly dysfunctional One Show,

429
00:21:32,540 --> 00:21:36,780
where a former Miss India,
on a screen from Los Angeles,

430
00:21:36,780 --> 00:21:40,180
thought that he was
an actual interior designer.

431
00:21:40,180 --> 00:21:42,420
It was the, like, first time
in about 15 years

432
00:21:42,420 --> 00:21:46,140
that I've spent time
picking colours and cushions,

433
00:21:46,140 --> 00:21:48,580
and, you know,
investing in my corner.

434
00:21:48,580 --> 00:21:51,380
So, I think what you do
is such an integral part

435
00:21:51,380 --> 00:21:53,940
of most people's lives.
LAUGHTER

436
00:21:53,940 --> 00:21:55,060
So thank you, really.

437
00:21:55,060 --> 00:21:57,860
Is it - is it true that you...

438
00:21:57,860 --> 00:22:01,780
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

439
00:22:01,780 --> 00:22:05,260
That show is so hopeless.

440
00:22:05,260 --> 00:22:07,540
It didn't even give Alan a chance

441
00:22:07,540 --> 00:22:10,460
to tell
that deluded drivel enthusiast

442
00:22:10,460 --> 00:22:13,220
that he wasn't an interior designer.

443
00:22:13,220 --> 00:22:16,580
In fact, the only thing
that annoys me on TV

444
00:22:16,580 --> 00:22:18,340
more than The One Show

445
00:22:18,340 --> 00:22:20,060
is the way the crowd
at Wimbledon applaud

446
00:22:20,060 --> 00:22:23,900
when a pigeon lands on the pitch
and then takes off again.

447
00:22:23,900 --> 00:22:25,900
HE IMITATES APPLAUSE,
LAUGHTER

448
00:22:25,900 --> 00:22:28,620
The only time you hear
less-deserved applause

449
00:22:28,620 --> 00:22:32,940
is when actors go on chat shows
and do something ordinary,

450
00:22:32,940 --> 00:22:34,860
like, for example...

451
00:22:34,860 --> 00:22:37,660
putting on a hat
and a pair of sunglasses.

452
00:22:37,660 --> 00:22:41,420
Anybody from...
who knows Breaking Bad

453
00:22:41,420 --> 00:22:43,580
will recognise this thing.

454
00:22:43,580 --> 00:22:45,420
Wow.
Oh, wow. Amazing.

455
00:22:45,420 --> 00:22:46,900
And my... And my glasses.

456
00:22:46,900 --> 00:22:49,100
Oh, wow. Oh...
So, it's...

457
00:22:49,100 --> 00:22:50,660
There he is.
Oh...

458
00:22:50,660 --> 00:22:53,980
APPLAUSE
Thank you.

459
00:22:53,980 --> 00:22:56,660
That's amazing.
LAUGHTER

460
00:22:56,660 --> 00:23:02,140
No. That's a 65-year-old man
putting things on his head and face.

461
00:23:02,140 --> 00:23:04,100
LAUGHTER

462
00:23:04,100 --> 00:23:06,460
And everyone bursts
into a spasm of joy!

463
00:23:06,460 --> 00:23:09,420
He hadn't even bothered
going into the studio.

464
00:23:09,420 --> 00:23:12,860
Ooh! And then there was the time
when another elderly man

465
00:23:12,860 --> 00:23:15,060
said he'd once been to a nightclub.

466
00:23:15,060 --> 00:23:17,820
Have you ever been to Studio 54?
Have you been to this place?

467
00:23:17,820 --> 00:23:20,260
No, I never went there, because -
I think it was closed down.

468
00:23:20,260 --> 00:23:22,180
Michael, you might have been there.
SHE GASPS

469
00:23:22,180 --> 00:23:24,380
I have been there, yeah.
Have you been there? No.

470
00:23:24,380 --> 00:23:26,300
I did think you would have.

471
00:23:26,300 --> 00:23:28,500
I'm sorry, but if you're gonna
applaud Michael Palin

472
00:23:28,500 --> 00:23:30,180
every time he says
he's been somewhere,

473
00:23:30,180 --> 00:23:31,660
we're in for a long night.

474
00:23:31,660 --> 00:23:33,020
LAUGHTER

475
00:23:33,020 --> 00:23:36,780
No, don't, because there are
so many other mundane things

476
00:23:36,780 --> 00:23:39,300
to applaud as well.
Just look at this lot.

477
00:23:39,300 --> 00:23:40,380
You posted this photo.

478
00:23:40,380 --> 00:23:44,740
This is you recording
at the iconic Abbey Road Studios.

479
00:23:44,740 --> 00:23:46,500
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

480
00:23:46,500 --> 00:23:49,060
And then we drank a whole bottle
of champagne. OK.

481
00:23:49,060 --> 00:23:50,780
Hey!
LAUGHTER

482
00:23:50,780 --> 00:23:52,580
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Now, that's a fight.

483
00:23:52,580 --> 00:23:53,620
Is this yours?

484
00:23:53,620 --> 00:23:55,380
To add to the thrill of being in

485
00:23:55,380 --> 00:23:58,060
one of the biggest Christmas movies
of all time, Love Actually.

486
00:23:58,060 --> 00:24:01,500
..playing Hugh Grant's...
Were you his private secretary?

487
00:24:01,500 --> 00:24:03,180
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Yeah. Yeah. I was.

488
00:24:03,180 --> 00:24:04,220
There you are.

489
00:24:04,220 --> 00:24:08,260
I mean, any guy can
essentially do this at a wedding.

490
00:24:08,260 --> 00:24:10,820
Oh, wow!
LAUGHTER

491
00:24:10,820 --> 00:24:13,860
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

492
00:24:13,860 --> 00:24:16,540
Goes along, goes along
with any music. Sit down.

493
00:24:16,540 --> 00:24:19,740
This is why
celebrities are all so weird.

494
00:24:19,740 --> 00:24:23,180
They expect to be applauded
every time they make a cup of tea.

495
00:24:23,180 --> 00:24:24,980
LAUGHTER

496
00:24:24,980 --> 00:24:27,340
I mean, Greg Davies,
out of The Inbetweeners,

497
00:24:27,340 --> 00:24:30,340
once got applauded for being tall.

498
00:24:30,340 --> 00:24:33,980
Can I stand next to you?
LAUGHTER

499
00:24:33,980 --> 00:24:36,340
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

500
00:24:39,300 --> 00:24:40,780
And you're not gonna believe this,

501
00:24:40,780 --> 00:24:42,740
but the next time
he went on Norton's show,

502
00:24:42,740 --> 00:24:46,620
he got another round of applause
for still being tall.

503
00:24:46,620 --> 00:24:49,540
LAUGHTER
Oh, look! Oh! Oh!

504
00:24:49,540 --> 00:24:51,460
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

505
00:24:51,460 --> 00:24:54,260
You're taller. You're taller, yeah.

506
00:24:54,260 --> 00:24:57,020
LAUGHTER
Let me try this out, yeah?

507
00:24:58,540 --> 00:25:01,020
I'm six foot five.

508
00:25:01,020 --> 00:25:03,580
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

509
00:25:03,580 --> 00:25:06,580
That's kind of the applause
you get for a cheeky single

510
00:25:06,580 --> 00:25:08,940
at a village cricket match.
LAUGHTER

511
00:25:08,940 --> 00:25:11,100
Let me try the Tom Hanks dance.

512
00:25:11,100 --> 00:25:13,260
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

513
00:25:14,460 --> 00:25:18,700
Thank you! And while we now
sew the audience's arms back on,

514
00:25:18,700 --> 00:25:20,900
you lot go away
and look at some adverts.

515
00:25:20,900 --> 00:25:23,540
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

516
00:25:28,500 --> 00:25:31,230
ROARS

517
00:25:32,110 --> 00:25:35,550
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

518
00:25:35,550 --> 00:25:37,710
Welcome back.

519
00:25:37,710 --> 00:25:40,590
Now, they recently made
a documentary

520
00:25:40,590 --> 00:25:42,350
called The Truffle Hunters,

521
00:25:42,350 --> 00:25:45,590
which examined
Italy's relationship with food.

522
00:25:45,590 --> 00:25:49,830
And it's just about the most
beautiful, mouth-watering thing

523
00:25:49,830 --> 00:25:51,710
you have ever seen.

524
00:25:51,710 --> 00:25:54,590
OPERA MUSIC PLAYS

525
00:26:08,630 --> 00:26:11,590
Right. So, that's the Italians.

526
00:26:11,590 --> 00:26:15,470
Now let's look at a programme about
Britain's relationship with food.

527
00:26:15,470 --> 00:26:17,070
Right.
LAUGHTER

528
00:26:17,070 --> 00:26:18,550
This is the gravy burger, yeah.

529
00:26:18,550 --> 00:26:20,990
There's a lot of gravy to be made,
isn't there?

530
00:26:20,990 --> 00:26:24,710
So if you don't get in front,
you're proper playing catch up.

531
00:26:24,710 --> 00:26:27,470
I'm not gonna run out.

532
00:26:27,470 --> 00:26:29,830
I'm hopeful
that I'm not going to run out.

533
00:26:29,830 --> 00:26:32,870
LAUGHTER

534
00:26:32,870 --> 00:26:35,150
It's like a little saucer,
I feel posh.

535
00:26:35,150 --> 00:26:37,350
LAUGHTER
I couldn't wait for gravy.

536
00:26:37,350 --> 00:26:39,510
So, let's just analyse that.

537
00:26:39,510 --> 00:26:43,430
KFC, Colonel Sanders'
secret recipe, shall we?

538
00:26:43,430 --> 00:26:47,950
Mix the lard and the chemical matter
until it looks like slurry,

539
00:26:47,950 --> 00:26:51,910
pop it in the microwave, and then
serve it in a plastic sample pot

540
00:26:51,910 --> 00:26:56,270
to a woman in a Ford B-MAX
who says it makes her feel posh.

541
00:26:56,270 --> 00:26:58,030
LAUGHTER

542
00:26:58,030 --> 00:26:59,990
I think that clearly demonstrates

543
00:26:59,990 --> 00:27:03,270
that we don't know much about food
in this country.

544
00:27:03,270 --> 00:27:07,510
And yet we have this weird thing
where every single person

545
00:27:07,510 --> 00:27:09,750
who's given something to eat
on television

546
00:27:09,750 --> 00:27:12,390
always, always, always

547
00:27:12,390 --> 00:27:14,950
takes a moment, masticates

548
00:27:14,950 --> 00:27:17,110
and then says...

549
00:27:17,110 --> 00:27:20,430
"Mmm."
LAUGHTER

550
00:27:20,430 --> 00:27:22,390
It's hot and gorgeous.

551
00:27:22,390 --> 00:27:24,670
They're filling, aren't they?
Mmm.

552
00:27:24,670 --> 00:27:26,430
LAUGHTER

553
00:27:26,430 --> 00:27:28,030
Mmm.

554
00:27:31,030 --> 00:27:32,910
Mmm!
LAUGHTER

555
00:27:32,910 --> 00:27:36,550
And it's not just Matt,
because when I say everyone does it,

556
00:27:36,550 --> 00:27:39,630
I do mean EVERYONE.

557
00:27:39,630 --> 00:27:42,830
Mmm...
Mmm... Mmm, God.

558
00:27:42,830 --> 00:27:44,590
Mmm.

559
00:27:44,590 --> 00:27:46,230
Mmm.
Mmm.

560
00:27:46,230 --> 00:27:48,870
Mmm. Mmm.
Mmm.

561
00:27:48,870 --> 00:27:50,710
Mmm.
Mmm.

562
00:27:50,710 --> 00:27:51,990
Mmm...
LAUGHTER

563
00:27:51,990 --> 00:27:53,710
Mmm.
Mmm.

564
00:27:53,710 --> 00:27:55,670
Mmm.

565
00:27:55,670 --> 00:27:58,590
Mmm. Mmm. Mmm.
That is delicious.

566
00:27:58,590 --> 00:28:01,910
Of course, the only time you're
not allowed to make that noise

567
00:28:01,910 --> 00:28:05,470
is when you're trying your own food,
Jamie.

568
00:28:07,070 --> 00:28:12,190
Mmm.

569
00:28:13,510 --> 00:28:15,550
Mmm.
LAUGHTER

570
00:28:15,550 --> 00:28:17,230
Mmm.

571
00:28:18,470 --> 00:28:19,950
Mmm!

572
00:28:19,950 --> 00:28:22,630
Mmm-mmm.

573
00:28:22,630 --> 00:28:24,070
LAUGHTER

574
00:28:24,070 --> 00:28:28,310
But surely, you're thinking
nobody is going to say, "Mmm",

575
00:28:28,310 --> 00:28:30,470
when they fill their mouths

576
00:28:30,470 --> 00:28:33,510
with a bit of Colonel Sanders'
brown ejaculate.

577
00:28:33,510 --> 00:28:35,150
LAUGHTER,
AUDIENCE GROAN

578
00:28:35,150 --> 00:28:36,510
Let's find out, shall we?

579
00:28:41,990 --> 00:28:44,590
Mmm.
LAUGHTER

580
00:28:44,590 --> 00:28:48,430
I think that was probably
an "Mmm..."

581
00:28:48,430 --> 00:28:50,190
as in heart...

582
00:28:50,190 --> 00:28:52,350
mmm-murmur.

583
00:28:52,350 --> 00:28:54,310
LAUGHTER

584
00:28:54,310 --> 00:28:57,030
Mmm-medical emergency.
LAUGHTER

585
00:28:57,030 --> 00:28:58,990
Or the kid in the back.

586
00:28:58,990 --> 00:29:01,470
Mmm-Mum's dead.

587
00:29:01,470 --> 00:29:03,710
LAUGHTER

588
00:29:03,710 --> 00:29:07,310
Would anyone like to see
what KFC's gravy burger

589
00:29:07,310 --> 00:29:10,350
looks like in real life?
AUDIENCE: Yeah.

590
00:29:10,350 --> 00:29:13,110
Well, luckily, a man on the internet
called Burger Lad...

591
00:29:13,110 --> 00:29:14,870
I don't think
that's his real name.

592
00:29:14,870 --> 00:29:16,550
LAUGHTER
..took a photograph

593
00:29:16,550 --> 00:29:17,990
of the one he was served.

594
00:29:17,990 --> 00:29:21,030
LAUGHTER, AUDIENCE GROANS

595
00:29:21,030 --> 00:29:23,230
Apparently,
it's known as the Havers.

596
00:29:23,230 --> 00:29:25,390
LAUGHTER

597
00:29:25,390 --> 00:29:27,990
Actually, that'll be Nigel's
next job, clearing that up.

598
00:29:27,990 --> 00:29:29,190
LAUGHTER

599
00:29:29,190 --> 00:29:31,790
Now, it's probably worth,
at this point,

600
00:29:31,790 --> 00:29:34,830
watching some Italians
in the Truffle Hunters movie

601
00:29:34,830 --> 00:29:37,830
savouring their food nasally.

602
00:29:37,830 --> 00:29:42,510
THEY SNIFF,
SERENE OPERATIC MUSIC

603
00:29:47,990 --> 00:29:50,830
Let's compare and contrast that
to what happens

604
00:29:50,830 --> 00:29:54,670
when people on Gordon Ramsay's
24 Hours To Hell And Back

605
00:29:54,670 --> 00:29:56,190
use their noses.

606
00:29:56,190 --> 00:29:58,550
Can you smell that?

607
00:29:58,550 --> 00:30:00,150
Yeah, I can smell it from here.

608
00:30:00,150 --> 00:30:03,310
Smell that. It's starting to turn.
No, that's not good.

609
00:30:03,310 --> 00:30:06,270
My God. Now, just smell that.

610
00:30:09,270 --> 00:30:11,110
Oh, God!
Yeah.

611
00:30:11,110 --> 00:30:14,830
HE COUGHS AND RETCHES,
AUDIENCE GROANS AND LAUGHS

612
00:30:16,030 --> 00:30:17,750
Oh, my God!

613
00:30:17,750 --> 00:30:20,630
And the Oscar
for best fake vomiting.

614
00:30:20,630 --> 00:30:22,230
The nominations are...

615
00:30:22,230 --> 00:30:25,750
Gordon Ramsay and Gordon Ramsay's
second cameraman.

616
00:30:25,750 --> 00:30:27,910
LAUGHTER

617
00:30:27,910 --> 00:30:31,190
The other extraordinary thing is the
amount of shouting going on there.

618
00:30:31,190 --> 00:30:33,590
They were even louder
than Chris Tarrant.

619
00:30:33,590 --> 00:30:36,590
The inventive engineer and his team
physically hauled the church,

620
00:30:36,590 --> 00:30:40,030
which weighed 9,000 tonnes,
along this path,

621
00:30:40,030 --> 00:30:41,750
across this extremely busy road,

622
00:30:41,750 --> 00:30:44,350
which wasn't even built
at the time,

623
00:30:44,350 --> 00:30:46,990
past these blocks of flats...
LAUGHTER

624
00:30:46,990 --> 00:30:49,230
..and into this small park,
where, as you can see,

625
00:30:49,230 --> 00:30:50,670
it still stands today!

626
00:30:50,670 --> 00:30:52,670
LAUGHTER

627
00:30:52,670 --> 00:30:54,870
Does he not know
how microphones work?

628
00:30:54,870 --> 00:30:57,830
LAUGHTER
Imagine him doing Springwatch.

629
00:30:57,830 --> 00:31:01,390
HE SHOUTS: "Look, a rabbit!
See! Is that a badger?!

630
00:31:01,390 --> 00:31:05,350
"It's running away,
for some reason!"

631
00:31:05,350 --> 00:31:09,110
And it turns out it's not just
Gordon Ramsay and Chris Tarrant.

632
00:31:09,110 --> 00:31:11,670
The milk's good! I knew it!
LAUGHTER

633
00:31:11,670 --> 00:31:14,310
The milk's good, you can unload!
So, they're ready for harvest?!

634
00:31:14,310 --> 00:31:15,510
They're ready for harvest.

635
00:31:15,510 --> 00:31:17,350
Billions and billions of bacteria!
Yeah.

636
00:31:17,350 --> 00:31:18,630
No way!

637
00:31:18,630 --> 00:31:20,670
My apples can go and make cider!

638
00:31:20,670 --> 00:31:24,390
Gregg Wallace there,
screaming like an angry testicle...

639
00:31:24,390 --> 00:31:27,110
LAUGHTER
..over the deafening roar

640
00:31:27,110 --> 00:31:28,950
of apples growing.

641
00:31:28,950 --> 00:31:30,790
And that's all we've got time for,
I'm afraid.

642
00:31:30,790 --> 00:31:32,790
So, until next time,
take care...

643
00:31:32,790 --> 00:31:35,390
HE YELLS: Good night!
LAUGHTER

644
00:31:35,390 --> 00:31:37,110
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

645
00:31:37,110 --> 00:31:39,150
Subtitles by accessibility@itv.com

645
00:31:40,305 --> 00:32:40,388