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Do you want subtitles for any video?
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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Hello, and welcome

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to It's Clarkson On TV,

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which is a TV show where I review
things that I've seen on television.

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That from time to time

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Now, I should warn you at the outset

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a bit smutty and lavatorial.

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Things do get

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there was a moment
when Meghan seemed,

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how can I put this politely...?

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...to break wind.

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Six, seven months after our wedding?

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FART NOISE

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can we just hear that again?

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Sorry, can we,

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Because it really does sound like

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Piers Morgan had a point.

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Her pants really were on fire.

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The sad thing was, what was that,

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after our wedding?

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Six, seven months

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FART NOISE

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Now, I've had a note here

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from the legal department at ITV.

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They want it to be made plain

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that that was NOT a fart.

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But they want me to make it clear

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I've no idea how they know that,

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that the fart noise
probably came out of Oprah's mouth.

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So we can move on to Bridgerton,

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So, I've done that,

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pulling up outside

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an agreeable house.

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All TV period dramas do this,
it's a sort of coded warning to men

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any of what follows.

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That they will not enjoy

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It's a sign that no-one is going
to point at a radar screen and say,

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IN AMERICAN ACCENT:

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Sir, you're gonna wanna see this.

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Secure the perimeter!

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Got hostiles inbound.

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You know
none of that is going to happen.

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Was different,

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But this Regency drama

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the yellow lines in...

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not just because they left

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Er, no.

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If you thought
there were some strange noises

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in the Meghan interview,

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you should hear some of the sounds
the actors made in Bridgerton,

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once they'd found somewhere
to park the horse.

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I mean, just watch this bit,
OK, with your eyes shut.

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Was that the mixed doubles
at Wimbledon?

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A kidney stone.

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Anyway, while you were watching

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'They're everywhere,
in our shopping centres,

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'our transport stations,
all across the globe.'

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Now, you might think they were using
that Jason Bourne music

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to make an extremely dull topic
seem dramatic, but no.

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Exciting programme I've ever seen.

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This turned out to be the most

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spiralling out of control,

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who know what it's like

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'to be eaten by an escalator.'

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This could happen to anybody,
anywhere in the world.

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From the Anti-obesity Society.

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A subtle message there

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Use the stairs.

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Is Countryfile.

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Now, another show I love

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of ambition that's so endearing.

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I mean, the other week, after

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the rather wonderful Adam Henson

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had casually hit a lamb
with a stick,

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Matt Baker took his super-neat

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side parting into the garden

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Whoa! You little... No, lost him.

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And there you have
your own little watery haven.

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Wildlife will turn up
before you know it.

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What wildlife?!

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With some gravel in it!

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It's a plastic washing-up bowl

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I suspect they were planning

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a rather elaborate lake

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with fountains and waterlilies,

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but yet again, the Countryfile team

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blew the show's entire budget

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on gack and hookers.

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They were famous throughout
the BBC for doing that.

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Note from the legal team at ITV .

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I'm sorry, I've just had another

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from the BBC.

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Don't know what I'm supposed to do

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with that. So, erm...

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Let's stick with Countryfile,
then, shall we?

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That Matt Baker

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doesn't know
what the word "excited" means?

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Because I think
he uses it when he means "boring".

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Colin, this is the chosen site,
then?

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It's very exciting, actually,

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to wander across it,
knowing what it will become.

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Is rip off a load of branches

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So, what we won't don't want to do

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See what happens. Let's go for it.

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You're gonna guide it down.

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Cheers. I'm excited.

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How much will you get involved

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and how much will you leave them be?

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F

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F

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F

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Exciting, isn't it?

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There would have been houses,

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probably grain storage
inside this enclosure.

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Sort of feel something, can't you?

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It's just so... it's so exciting.

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He also has a habit
of describing things

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that aren't fantastic
as "fantastic".

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Fantastic.

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Oh, yes. I'll have a bit of that.

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This looks fantastic fun.

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What's going on, you two?

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Fantastic.

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Fantastic.

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Fantastic!

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What Matt says most of all though,

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is the Low Church, granny-friendly

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expression, "Oh, my word".

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He means to say is, "Just shoot me".

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Really?! Oh, my word.

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The Roman farmstead. Oh, my word.

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F

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Is he really? Wow.

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F

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Oh, my word.

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Oh, my word. You can get these...
I've just seen it!

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That is absolutely huge!

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In Grampy Rupert's Windsor chair.

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Oh, can I?

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Oh, my word.

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Just shoot me.

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Anyway, now that we can
speak "Matt Baker",

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let's have a look at him in his last
ever appearance on The One Show.

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But we have commissioned
The One Show's resident artist,

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who I know you love,
I know you love him, Adebanji,

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to paint a lovely picture.

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Now, here it is.

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It's you and I on the sofa.

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Oh, my word. Look at that!

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Isn't it lovely!

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Like the mirror he holds up to me.

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And that's the problem, I don't

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And what is The One Show
doing with a resident artist?

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Who had a resident artist

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was Louis XIV.

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The comfort zone of Matt Baker

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on breakfast television

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between the hosts
and the weather people.

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Chilly outside
and it's going to get colder

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as well. Why are you here, Carol?

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Because some of that was right,
Naga...

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F

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Oh, that's stunning.

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£

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Carol, if you just move
out the way,

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it'll improve the picture

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a hell of a lot.

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Well, you should too, Nana... Nana!
Naga! Sorry...

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Get it right, Carol. Come on.

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I'm not talking to her any more.

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At first,

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I thought this was just banter,

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the body language is pure...

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but in this clip

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...Piers and Alex.

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F

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I'lljust go, shall I?

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Jolly weather woman, this happened.

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Then, after a gentle jibe from the

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Do you know what,

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Naga... Charlie, never.

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É

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£

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é

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What's the point? What is the point?

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Is all the rage at the moment.

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Version of it.

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Even wanna do this interview,

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at what it says

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because I don't even wanna look

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at the bottom of that screen,

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so I'm just gonna switch off,

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BEN SHEPHARD: Huge apologies.
We didn't...

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It wasn't our intention

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to upset you.

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With whoever that was,

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because imagine being labelled
a "wellness guru".

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At the bottom of the screen,

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Mind you, when it comes to captions

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it could be worse.

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Margaret Bates, for example.

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She's a visiting professor

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but this is what they called her
on Panorama.

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A "fly-tipping expert".

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Perhaps that's
what she does at weekends,

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lobs old fridges over hedges.

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Is a chap called Adam Linsell,

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and a committed charity worker.

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Who is an athlete

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by the BBC.

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And here's how he was billed

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How long, I wonder,
will it be before we see this?

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"Hat expert".

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On British television

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The only magazine programme

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that's presented in what appears
to be a foreign language.

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Er, it's got a quad-core processor,

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one gig of RAM,

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seven-inch LCD screen,
so it's not HD,

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which is expandable to 32.

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Android 8.1 Go edition,

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the tech spec, is so low,

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er, and because the spec,

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when you turn the subtitles on,

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Now, the funny thing is,

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it transpires those are
the actual words they're using.

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Fest every week for two reasons.

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But I find myself drawn to this tech

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One, it's hosted in part

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by a chap called Jon Bentley,

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in television,

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they give away in their competition.

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And two, because of the prizes

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Cuddly toy? Barbecue set?

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No! We are WAY beyond that here.

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Is what one person can win.

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Because this, for real,

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é

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F

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F

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£

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F

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And that lot is just

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the tip of the tech iceberg!

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Fancy some top audio gear, too?

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A UE HYPERBOOM Bluetooth speaker,

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noise-cancelling earbuds

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and over-ear headphones,
Spotify Premium for a year,

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plus three Amazon Echo Dots, so
you can listen all over your home,

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with the Samsung Galaxy 521 Ultra

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And stay in style on the go with
a Pure Air Pro electric scooter.

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É

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F

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F

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é

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and an Xbox Series X,

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both with five games,

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with Mario Kart Live,

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and, for a bit of VR gaming,
and Oculus Quest 2 headset.

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It's not just next-gen gaming
we've got you covered for.

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How about this tech
to trick up your pad?

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An Amazon Echo Show 10,
Ring video doorbell

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and five-piece Ring alarm kit,

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00:13:12,520 --> 00:13:14,970
plus a Nest thermostat and Blink 5

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camera home security bundle.

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£

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00:13:19,330 --> 00:13:22,870
é

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F

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00:13:25,710 --> 00:13:27,720
£

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£

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£

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with a pair of techie bikes -

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Hit the open road

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a Giant Advanced road bike,
Eovolt folding electric city bike,

276
00:13:40,220 --> 00:13:40,670
with integrated lights

277
00:13:40,690 --> 00:13:43,370
and a Fitbit Sense
health-tracking smartwatch.

278
00:13:43,390 --> 00:13:47,340
Then kick back on the sofa with
your brand-new home cinema set-up,

279
00:13:47,360 --> 00:13:51,280
including a 75-inch LG 4K TV
with a Sonos Dolby Atmos soundbar,

280
00:13:51,300 --> 00:13:53,700
subwoofer and a pair

281
00:13:53,720 --> 00:13:53,920
of rear wireless speakers.

282
00:13:53,940 --> 00:13:56,190
Plus a 43-inch TV for the bedroom

283
00:13:56,210 --> 00:13:56,970
with an Anker portable projector.

284
00:13:56,990 --> 00:13:59,000
£

285
00:13:59,020 --> 00:13:59,390
é

286
00:13:59,410 --> 00:14:05,660
F

287
00:14:05,680 --> 00:14:07,020
worth over £30,000,

288
00:14:07,040 --> 00:14:09,000
and you'd be simply mad to miss it!

289
00:14:09,020 --> 00:14:11,030
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

290
00:14:11,050 --> 00:14:16,140
You... It is. It is.

291
00:14:19,300 --> 00:14:21,060
Which means it isn't here yet,

292
00:14:21,080 --> 00:14:24,810
so, while new try to access

293
00:14:24,830 --> 00:14:27,510
to see if you can still win

294
00:14:27,530 --> 00:14:32,200
See you in a minute.

295
00:14:35,860 --> 00:14:38,270
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

296
00:14:35,900 --> 00:14:43,900
If you're the curious type,
we've got you.

297
00:14:42,530 --> 00:14:45,150
Ancl apropos of nothing at all,

298
00:14:45,170 --> 00:14:47,620
one of the bands
that competed to represent Sweden

299
00:14:47,640 --> 00:14:50,320
Eurovision Song Contest

300
00:14:50,340 --> 00:14:53,010
claim that
they were singing in Swedish,

301
00:14:53,030 --> 00:14:55,320
but when it gets to the chorus,

302
00:14:55,340 --> 00:15:00,570
I'm not sure they were.

303
00:15:00,590 --> 00:15:06,210
# Hej, halla

304
00:15:08,720 --> 00:15:09,870
# Tanker inte alls ga hem

305
00:15:09,890 --> 00:15:14,540
# Tanker inte alls ga hem... #

306
00:15:14,560 --> 00:15:16,930
THEY HOLD NOTE

307
00:15:19,250 --> 00:15:21,040
# Tanker inte alls ga hem. #

308
00:15:21,060 --> 00:15:26,770
Sadly, they were beaten
into the number two slot by...

309
00:15:26,790 --> 00:15:28,810
the subject of mishearing,

310
00:15:28,830 --> 00:15:31,040
Ooh, actually, while we're on

311
00:15:31,060 --> 00:15:33,520
the current series of the critically

312
00:15:33,540 --> 00:15:35,600
acclaimed Line Of Duty was, for me,

313
00:15:35,620 --> 00:15:39,120
spoiled somewhat
by everyone talking nonstop

314
00:15:39,140 --> 00:15:43,900
about what sounded like "jizz".

315
00:15:43,920 --> 00:15:45,930
Locate your CHIS.

316
00:15:45,950 --> 00:15:46,630
For a start, you could help us

317
00:15:46,650 --> 00:15:51,460
Handler's his contact.
He reckons the CHIS has bottled it.

318
00:15:51,480 --> 00:15:54,670
£

319
00:15:54,690 --> 00:15:55,620
a commercial thing with the CHIS.

320
00:15:55,640 --> 00:15:59,180
...the handler, and fuck the CHIS.

321
00:15:59,200 --> 00:16:02,640
Now, apparently,
they were actually saying "CHIS",

322
00:16:02,660 --> 00:16:05,130
which means "grass" or "snitch".

323
00:16:05,150 --> 00:16:08,720
I've, er, gone to the trouble
of having it translated here,

324
00:16:08,740 --> 00:16:13,570
and it stands for
"Covert Human Intelligence Source".

325
00:16:13,590 --> 00:16:15,740
Basically, then, human source.

326
00:16:17,340 --> 00:16:20,070
So, as we were.

327
00:16:20,090 --> 00:16:22,380
Now, Grand Designs,

328
00:16:22,400 --> 00:16:24,070
a big favourite of mine,

329
00:16:24,090 --> 00:16:29,500
noteworthy episode recently

330
00:16:29,520 --> 00:16:30,270
a self-confessed eco-warrior

331
00:16:30,290 --> 00:16:32,300
underground house

332
00:16:32,320 --> 00:16:33,970
decided to build a state-of-the-art

333
00:16:33,990 --> 00:16:36,320
that would be insulated and heated

334
00:16:36,340 --> 00:16:40,070
by the soil itself.

335
00:16:40,090 --> 00:16:40,940
Always-excellent Kevin McCloud

336
00:16:43,260 --> 00:16:46,270
to become... a little bit bemused.

337
00:16:46,290 --> 00:16:48,300
House, but with a difference.

338
00:16:48,320 --> 00:16:48,720
Essentially, it's an earth-sheltered

339
00:16:48,740 --> 00:16:49,820
It's a self-heating house.

340
00:16:49,840 --> 00:16:52,520
What we're doing

341
00:16:52,540 --> 00:16:55,500
er, transferring that heat

342
00:16:55,520 --> 00:16:57,570
transfer mechanism

343
00:16:57,600 --> 00:16:58,370
with an underfloor

344
00:16:58,400 --> 00:17:00,560
into the earth banks.

345
00:17:00,590 --> 00:17:02,590
The heat from summertime.

346
00:17:02,620 --> 00:17:06,000
Wahey! These earth banks will store

347
00:17:06,030 --> 00:17:10,010
Now, it turned out that the original
design for this underground house

348
00:17:10,040 --> 00:17:12,610
so they had to come up with

349
00:17:12,640 --> 00:17:16,560
an expensive and complicated

350
00:17:16,590 --> 00:17:20,940
but, eventually,

351
00:17:20,970 --> 00:17:21,030
the important eco-work could begin.

352
00:17:21,060 --> 00:17:25,140
What we've got under here is earth.

353
00:17:25,170 --> 00:17:27,060
Then we've got polythene,
and then, finally,

354
00:17:27,090 --> 00:17:30,340
this critical part of it,
which is the polystyrene.

355
00:17:30,370 --> 00:17:36,170
At least the house has started
to disappear... kind of.

356
00:17:36,200 --> 00:17:40,120
Is the ubiquitous,

357
00:17:40,150 --> 00:17:41,450
somewhere, buried under this,

358
00:17:41,480 --> 00:17:43,480
yards and yards of blue plastic.

359
00:17:43,510 --> 00:17:46,000
A house, and that is

360
00:17:46,030 --> 00:17:51,450
Eventually, of course, the house
was finished, and here it is.

361
00:17:51,480 --> 00:17:53,480
And glass and polystyrene,

362
00:17:53,510 --> 00:17:55,970
It's a symphony of wood

363
00:17:56,000 --> 00:18:00,030
shrouding an interior
filled with space-age technology,

364
00:18:00,060 --> 00:18:04,250
Italian ceramics
and even a home cinema.

365
00:18:04,280 --> 00:18:06,280
With Grand Designs,

366
00:18:06,310 --> 00:18:08,920
Then, as is the way

367
00:18:08,950 --> 00:18:11,410
polystyrene enthusiastic

368
00:18:11,440 --> 00:18:11,910
who built it,

369
00:18:11,940 --> 00:18:13,500
and, given that
it's this chap's business

370
00:18:13,530 --> 00:18:17,250
technology to hipsters,

371
00:18:17,280 --> 00:18:19,280
he was going to be honest

372
00:18:19,310 --> 00:18:19,800
I wondered if

373
00:18:19,830 --> 00:18:26,250
about how far over budget he'd gone.

374
00:18:30,450 --> 00:18:30,940
Which got blown almost straight away

375
00:18:30,960 --> 00:18:33,220
with having to go

376
00:18:33,240 --> 00:18:36,270
for the cast concrete approach.

377
00:18:36,290 --> 00:18:39,680
We've just been very careful,

378
00:18:39,700 --> 00:18:41,960
good purchasing decisions,

379
00:18:41,980 --> 00:18:42,910
at about 310.

380
00:18:42,930 --> 00:18:46,630
Right.

381
00:18:46,650 --> 00:18:48,660
That is amazing.

382
00:18:48,680 --> 00:18:48,820
He built that house for £310,000?

383
00:18:48,840 --> 00:18:54,910
But, of course, the big question is,

384
00:18:54,930 --> 00:18:55,640
technology actually work?

385
00:18:55,660 --> 00:18:58,970
Well, here are the couple,
both wearing jumpers,

386
00:18:58,990 --> 00:19:00,330
and what about Kevin?

387
00:19:02,540 --> 00:19:02,630
Yeah, he hasn't taken his coat.

388
00:19:02,650 --> 00:19:04,660
And say the jury's out...

389
00:19:04,680 --> 00:19:06,530
So let's be fair

390
00:19:08,630 --> 00:19:08,770
buying gloves.

391
00:19:08,790 --> 00:19:13,710
Now, the reason why Kevin devoted
a whole show to environmentalism

392
00:19:13,730 --> 00:19:18,270
is that it's compulsory these days.

393
00:19:18,290 --> 00:19:20,300
Everyone is.

394
00:19:20,320 --> 00:19:24,680
I'm talking about it now.

395
00:19:24,700 --> 00:19:25,240
Glaciers, even rain forests

396
00:19:25,260 --> 00:19:29,280
in a bid to raise awareness
of climate change.

397
00:19:29,300 --> 00:19:31,580
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
And by absorbing carbon,

398
00:19:31,600 --> 00:19:33,930
they are our greatest ally

399
00:19:33,950 --> 00:19:36,050
in combating climate change.

400
00:19:36,070 --> 00:19:42,190
F

401
00:19:42,210 --> 00:19:44,220
thanks to global warming.

402
00:19:44,240 --> 00:19:47,320
The animals were now refugees,

403
00:19:48,510 --> 00:19:51,740
Worried about the weather
and the seasons

404
00:19:53,840 --> 00:19:53,880
and all the plastic everywhere.

405
00:19:54,910 --> 00:19:56,410
F

406
00:19:56,430 --> 00:19:58,080
F

407
00:20:00,090 --> 00:20:02,100
things that are important,

408
00:20:02,120 --> 00:20:04,030
It's weird. There are... lots of

409
00:20:04,050 --> 00:20:07,160
so why has television
singled out climate change

410
00:20:07,180 --> 00:20:12,720
as the one thing we must
all talk about all the time?

411
00:20:12,740 --> 00:20:15,050
As the one thing
you can't do on a plane.

412
00:20:15,070 --> 00:20:16,920
There are big signs
and announcements!

413
00:20:16,940 --> 00:20:19,770
And you think, yeah, but
masturbating's not allowed, either.

414
00:20:19,790 --> 00:20:22,050
Or murdering.

415
00:20:22,070 --> 00:20:24,330
We already know that climate change

416
00:20:24,350 --> 00:20:26,740
is the biggest threat to humanity -

417
00:20:26,760 --> 00:20:32,110
after escalators, obviously -
so why do we keep going on about it?

418
00:20:32,130 --> 00:20:34,910
Was being attacked

419
00:20:34,930 --> 00:20:36,940
she and her mates still found time

420
00:20:36,960 --> 00:20:37,910
by some giant space phlegm,

421
00:20:37,930 --> 00:20:41,910
to deliver a short lecture
on the subject.

422
00:20:41,930 --> 00:20:44,300
DREG GRUNTS
"Made in China"?

423
00:20:49,620 --> 00:20:54,360
F

424
00:20:54,380 --> 00:20:55,580
Global warming.
Huh?

425
00:20:55,600 --> 00:20:57,920
The food chain collapses,

426
00:20:57,940 --> 00:21:00,710
mass migration and war.

427
00:21:01,850 --> 00:21:03,860
Are now in on the act.

428
00:21:03,880 --> 00:21:06,190
Even singing competitions

429
00:21:06,210 --> 00:21:09,280
# Please change the story Even
singing competitions are now in on the act.

430
00:21:09,300 --> 00:21:14,350
# Rewind the clocks

431
00:21:14,370 --> 00:21:16,860
# This beautiful Earth

432
00:21:19,160 --> 00:21:20,610
# Cannot be lost

433
00:21:22,930 --> 00:21:24,470
# Stop hurting our planet

434
00:21:24,490 --> 00:21:31,330
# Like you don't care

435
00:21:31,350 --> 00:21:35,850
# For us to share... #

436
00:21:35,870 --> 00:21:38,280
I was watching that, thinking,

437
00:21:38,300 --> 00:21:41,570
"God, it's awful." It really was.

438
00:21:41,590 --> 00:21:45,800
LAUGHTER

439
00:21:45,820 --> 00:21:49,460
just how much plastic there is
in the judges' faces.

440
00:21:51,960 --> 00:21:54,890
The worst thing, though,
were the lyrics.

441
00:21:54,910 --> 00:21:57,220
I've got them here,

442
00:21:57,240 --> 00:21:57,380
I went online and downloaded them.

443
00:21:57,400 --> 00:21:59,410
Take note of this.

444
00:21:59,430 --> 00:22:01,190
Ready? "All the grown-ups

445
00:22:01,210 --> 00:22:04,960
"Wake up and see
that you must make a change."

446
00:22:04,980 --> 00:22:06,990
did kids start lecturing adults

447
00:22:07,010 --> 00:22:08,100
I'm sorry, but since when

448
00:22:09,490 --> 00:22:11,500
yelling at Donald Trump.

449
00:22:11,520 --> 00:22:11,660
I mean, take Thunberg

450
00:22:11,680 --> 00:22:13,530
If I shouted

451
00:22:13,550 --> 00:22:15,820
my dad would have been

452
00:22:15,840 --> 00:22:15,920
furious with me.

453
00:22:15,940 --> 00:22:16,940
LAUGHTER

454
00:22:20,410 --> 00:22:22,330
the audacity to sing,

455
00:22:22,350 --> 00:22:27,170
"Don't listen to the fat cats,"
in front of Simon Cowell.

456
00:22:27,190 --> 00:22:29,940
They were lucky
not to get a clip round the ear.

457
00:22:29,960 --> 00:22:33,180
And it does make me wonder
if you reformed

458
00:22:33,210 --> 00:22:35,570
the St Winifred's School Choir
today,

459
00:22:37,670 --> 00:22:37,790
what would the lyrics be?

460
00:22:37,810 --> 00:22:41,960
Grandma, we love you?
I seriously doubt that.

461
00:22:43,110 --> 00:22:47,040
# Grandma, grandma we hate you

462
00:22:47,060 --> 00:22:55,060
# Burning all the fossil fuels

463
00:22:56,200 --> 00:22:56,510
# Now the birds and bees are gone

464
00:22:56,530 --> 00:23:00,450
# Cos you put your heating on

465
00:23:02,780 --> 00:23:07,960
# Clarkson, Clarkson selfish runt

466
00:23:07,980 --> 00:23:10,290
Whoa! Strong. Too strong.

467
00:23:10,310 --> 00:23:13,400
We're-off-the-air strong.

468
00:23:13,420 --> 00:23:16,700
Stop singing,
and we're gonna take a short break.

469
00:23:16,720 --> 00:23:20,150
Back after this.

470
00:23:24,870 --> 00:23:27,280
APPLAUSE

471
00:23:31,160 --> 00:23:33,170
we covered green issues,

472
00:23:33,190 --> 00:23:34,300
Right. In part two,

473
00:23:34,320 --> 00:23:36,630
which means we must move on

474
00:23:36,650 --> 00:23:37,080
to the other thing

475
00:23:37,100 --> 00:23:40,940
that must now be in
every single show on television.

476
00:23:40,960 --> 00:23:42,720
LAUGHTER

477
00:23:42,740 --> 00:23:45,520
SULTRY MUSIC

478
00:24:02,190 --> 00:24:03,740
Mm.

479
00:24:15,440 --> 00:24:17,460
I don't mean to impose.

480
00:24:17,480 --> 00:24:18,780
Are you going to watch?

481
00:24:18,800 --> 00:24:21,310
If you wish to continue,

482
00:24:21,330 --> 00:24:21,670
I can just sit quietly and wait.

483
00:24:21,690 --> 00:24:23,110
LAUGHTER

484
00:24:23,130 --> 00:24:25,580
Now, obviously,
there are certain shows and movies

485
00:24:25,600 --> 00:24:27,610
to insert an lesbian scene.

486
00:24:27,630 --> 00:24:28,940
Where you would struggle

487
00:24:33,740 --> 00:24:41,740
And certainly, when I sat down
to watch the new remake of Das Boot,

488
00:24:42,980 --> 00:24:46,710
will be able to shoehorn

489
00:24:46,730 --> 00:24:48,080
LAUGHTER

490
00:24:48,100 --> 00:24:49,960
Oh, how wrong I was.

491
00:25:11,010 --> 00:25:14,600
Has unlocked Pandora's Box.

492
00:25:14,620 --> 00:25:16,380
"Where's the male equivalent?"

493
00:25:16,400 --> 00:25:20,580
I mean, take the world of Formula 1.

494
00:25:20,600 --> 00:25:21,850
So statistically,

495
00:25:21,870 --> 00:25:24,170
quite a few of them

496
00:25:24,190 --> 00:25:24,550
are going to be gay.

497
00:25:24,570 --> 00:25:26,580
New series Drive To Survive,

498
00:25:26,600 --> 00:25:27,750
But if you look at Netflix's

499
00:25:27,770 --> 00:25:29,780
there's no evidence of it at all.

500
00:25:29,800 --> 00:25:32,110
Which is very good, by the way,

501
00:25:32,130 --> 00:25:33,490
Oh, yeah.

502
00:25:36,160 --> 00:25:38,000
COALS HISS

503
00:25:46,980 --> 00:25:49,740
Dye it?
Just don't wash it, mate.

504
00:25:49,760 --> 00:25:52,160
You know I should actually...

505
00:25:52,180 --> 00:25:52,830
I'm not just saying that.

506
00:25:52,850 --> 00:25:55,630
No, not really.

507
00:25:55,650 --> 00:25:57,660
No, not really.

508
00:25:57,680 --> 00:25:59,330
F

509
00:25:59,350 --> 00:26:01,770
I haven't seen anything

510
00:26:01,790 --> 00:26:03,350
quite so overtly heterosexual

511
00:26:03,370 --> 00:26:05,270
in Top Gun.

512
00:26:05,290 --> 00:26:07,460
LAUGHTER

513
00:26:07,480 --> 00:26:09,740
Now, have you noticed

514
00:26:09,760 --> 00:26:10,300
how University Challenge

515
00:26:10,320 --> 00:26:12,330
with stupid names?

516
00:26:12,350 --> 00:26:14,580
Seems to attract contestants

517
00:26:14,600 --> 00:26:15,780
BUZZER

518
00:26:15,800 --> 00:26:18,140
é

519
00:26:18,160 --> 00:26:22,190
BUZZER

520
00:26:22,210 --> 00:26:22,390
F

521
00:26:22,410 --> 00:26:24,420
F

522
00:26:24,440 --> 00:26:24,580
BELL

523
00:26:24,600 --> 00:26:26,750
BUZZER

524
00:26:26,770 --> 00:26:26,860
F

525
00:26:26,880 --> 00:26:28,940
BUZZER

526
00:26:28,960 --> 00:26:29,310
F

527
00:26:29,330 --> 00:26:30,960
BELL

528
00:26:30,980 --> 00:26:32,720
BELL

529
00:26:32,740 --> 00:26:36,710
BELL

530
00:26:36,730 --> 00:26:38,890
é

531
00:26:38,910 --> 00:26:40,830
BUZZER

532
00:26:40,850 --> 00:26:42,710
é

533
00:26:42,730 --> 00:26:44,740
Mandate is correct.

534
00:26:44,760 --> 00:26:45,100
Mandate.

535
00:26:45,120 --> 00:26:47,060
APPLAUSE

536
00:26:49,630 --> 00:26:52,610
And that is my favourite there,
Jesus Cashman.

537
00:26:52,630 --> 00:26:56,160
Now, the thing is,
we all know students like a prank.

538
00:26:56,180 --> 00:26:57,780
So how's this for a plan?

539
00:26:57,800 --> 00:26:59,810
Yes, OK?

540
00:26:59,830 --> 00:27:00,190
You've got Randle and Lamb.

541
00:27:00,210 --> 00:27:02,210
And you need two more contestants,

542
00:27:02,230 --> 00:27:06,060
and you're gonna be tempted
to go for people

543
00:27:06,080 --> 00:27:06,880
or physics.

544
00:27:06,900 --> 00:27:13,780
Wrong. Choose them for their names.

545
00:27:13,800 --> 00:27:15,360
And hey presto, you get this.

546
00:27:15,380 --> 00:27:18,560
Woah, Black-Betty, Randle, Lamb.

547
00:27:18,580 --> 00:27:20,480
Brilliant!

548
00:27:20,510 --> 00:27:22,240
I mean, Woah, thick as pig shit,

549
00:27:22,260 --> 00:27:24,500
cos she gave you a laugh.

550
00:27:24,520 --> 00:27:25,940
It's like when you play Scrabble.

551
00:27:25,960 --> 00:27:28,220
Yes, you could get "underpass"

552
00:27:28,240 --> 00:27:29,910
on a... two treble word scores

553
00:27:29,930 --> 00:27:32,190
and that'd get you 179 points,

554
00:27:32,210 --> 00:27:34,110
but that's not playing properly.

555
00:27:34,130 --> 00:27:39,550
The right thing to do
is to settle for four points,

556
00:27:39,570 --> 00:27:40,610
you put down is "arse".

557
00:27:40,630 --> 00:27:42,030
LAUGHTER

558
00:27:42,050 --> 00:27:45,500
to look at some morons

559
00:27:45,520 --> 00:27:48,600
making fools of themselves
on other quiz shows.

560
00:27:48,620 --> 00:27:50,630
That circles which English city?'

561
00:27:50,650 --> 00:27:53,680
'The M25 is an orbital motorway

562
00:27:53,700 --> 00:27:55,710
It's London.

563
00:27:55,730 --> 00:27:58,240
England?

564
00:27:58,260 --> 00:27:59,320
Abbreviated to H P?

565
00:27:59,340 --> 00:28:01,640
Er, Houses of Parliament.

566
00:28:01,660 --> 00:28:01,750
Horsepower.

567
00:28:01,770 --> 00:28:04,100
I need five capital cities

568
00:28:04,120 --> 00:28:04,850
outside of the UK

569
00:28:04,870 --> 00:28:07,780
that are further north than London.

570
00:28:09,340 --> 00:28:11,350
£

571
00:28:11,370 --> 00:28:12,660
Manchester.

572
00:28:14,960 --> 00:28:15,820
Between 1991 and 1999,

573
00:28:15,840 --> 00:28:20,990
Peter Schmeichel was a goalkeeper
for which English football club?

574
00:28:21,010 --> 00:28:21,190
Germany.

575
00:28:22,490 --> 00:28:23,990
Which ENGLISH football club?

576
00:28:24,010 --> 00:28:30,030
The didgeridoo is a traditional

577
00:28:30,050 --> 00:28:30,390
Australia.

578
00:28:30,410 --> 00:28:32,880
"Papillion" is the French word

579
00:28:32,900 --> 00:28:33,440
for which flying insect?

580
00:28:34,770 --> 00:28:36,380
Butterfly.

581
00:28:38,590 --> 00:28:38,680
So let's just get this straight.

582
00:28:38,700 --> 00:28:41,020
One of those contestants

583
00:28:41,040 --> 00:28:43,260
has gone through life

584
00:28:43,280 --> 00:28:44,520
is a flying insect?

585
00:28:44,540 --> 00:28:46,960
So she must know

586
00:28:46,980 --> 00:28:47,710
she's not that bright,

587
00:28:47,730 --> 00:28:50,980
and yet, she still woke up
one morning and thought,

588
00:28:51,000 --> 00:28:53,010
I'll go on a quiz show."

589
00:28:53,030 --> 00:28:53,160
"Yeah, I think

590
00:28:53,180 --> 00:28:54,590
LAUGHTER

591
00:28:54,610 --> 00:29:00,020
she is not the most stupid person

592
00:29:00,040 --> 00:29:02,050
my house will be like a museum

593
00:29:02,070 --> 00:29:04,230
And I think one day, like,

594
00:29:04,250 --> 00:29:06,570
for people when I die.

595
00:29:08,970 --> 00:29:10,930
You can pay to go
and walk round Elvis's house.

596
00:29:10,950 --> 00:29:12,960
In my lifetime.

597
00:29:12,980 --> 00:29:13,160
I think that is gonna happen

598
00:29:14,810 --> 00:29:20,950
Gemma Collins there
thinking that her house

599
00:29:20,970 --> 00:29:22,300
what "lifetime" means.

600
00:29:22,320 --> 00:29:27,130
And then there's Louise Redknapp,

601
00:29:27,150 --> 00:29:29,160
meant by the word "autobiography".

602
00:29:29,180 --> 00:29:30,630
Who it seems is unsure about what's

603
00:29:30,650 --> 00:29:33,540
I think people are describing it
as an autobiography,

604
00:29:33,560 --> 00:29:35,570
if I can explain it,

605
00:29:35,590 --> 00:29:35,930
but it's actually more,

606
00:29:35,950 --> 00:29:38,210
I've really just talked about

607
00:29:38,230 --> 00:29:39,480
certain stages in my life,

608
00:29:39,500 --> 00:29:41,770
right from, you know,
when I was younger

609
00:29:41,790 --> 00:29:45,730
right till now and then
the second part of the chapter

610
00:29:45,750 --> 00:29:47,440
is just kind of

611
00:29:48,840 --> 00:29:50,850
that IS an autobiography.

612
00:29:50,870 --> 00:29:55,230
Yeah, Louise,

613
00:29:55,250 --> 00:29:57,240
that was the best TV could do

614
00:29:57,260 --> 00:29:57,800
And just when you thought

615
00:29:57,820 --> 00:30:00,100
to make your brain collapse

616
00:30:00,120 --> 00:30:02,020
in on itself like an imploding star,

617
00:30:02,040 --> 00:30:06,130
along came a new show called

618
00:30:06,150 --> 00:30:07,320
To Your Hair?

619
00:30:07,340 --> 00:30:09,790
'Would you risk your hair for £500?'

620
00:30:09,810 --> 00:30:12,090
You look like
you've been electrocuted.

621
00:30:12,110 --> 00:30:14,870
'Two friends,
one picks a crazy haircut...'

622
00:30:16,510 --> 00:30:18,520
for cash.

623
00:30:18,540 --> 00:30:19,850
'..The other answers questions

624
00:30:19,870 --> 00:30:23,870
'But one wrong answer
could cost them big.

625
00:30:23,890 --> 00:30:26,240
And keep the cash?'

626
00:30:28,000 --> 00:30:30,010
and get the crazy cut?

627
00:30:30,030 --> 00:30:30,370
'Or lose it all

628
00:30:30,390 --> 00:30:32,940
'This is Darling,

629
00:30:32,960 --> 00:30:37,210
What Have You Done To Your Hair?'

630
00:30:37,230 --> 00:30:39,240
like that gets on television

631
00:30:39,260 --> 00:30:39,650
Now, the reason why inane drivel

632
00:30:39,670 --> 00:30:41,690
believe they need to dumb down,

633
00:30:41,710 --> 00:30:43,740
is that TV producers

634
00:30:43,760 --> 00:30:46,370
because the viewer
can't handle complexity.

635
00:30:46,390 --> 00:30:50,150
However, a few hours
after 40,000 people

636
00:30:50,170 --> 00:30:54,540
watched that idiot
give someone a haircut,

637
00:30:54,560 --> 00:30:56,570
to watch this.

638
00:30:56,590 --> 00:31:01,490
14 million people tuned in

639
00:31:01,510 --> 00:31:01,850
at over 11,000 cases

640
00:31:03,140 --> 00:31:07,370
50 over 55, or 55% protection...

641
00:31:07,390 --> 00:31:13,020
Led to a 72% reduction in the number
of people who developed...

642
00:31:13,040 --> 00:31:17,240
Of those, 86% are people
within groups one to four...

643
00:31:17,260 --> 00:31:21,740
At 21 days, after just one dose
of the vaccine...

644
00:31:21,760 --> 00:31:23,660
The great majority for whom
have now been vaccinated

645
00:31:23,680 --> 00:31:27,900
make up 58% of those people...

646
00:31:27,920 --> 00:31:31,400
to 86% if they had a second dose.

647
00:31:31,420 --> 00:31:33,770
And we all understood

648
00:31:33,800 --> 00:31:34,540
every single word.

649
00:31:34,560 --> 00:31:35,720
LAUGHTER

650
00:31:35,740 --> 00:31:37,790
Honestly,

651
00:31:37,810 --> 00:31:37,950
this is why I love television.

652
00:31:37,970 --> 00:31:41,310
It's got people
who think dogs can fly,

653
00:31:41,330 --> 00:31:44,000
and lesbians
and Matt Baker saying "Oh, my word",

654
00:31:44,020 --> 00:31:46,430
ancl documentaries
about aircraft carriers

655
00:31:46,450 --> 00:31:50,920
and debates on Persian art,
and Chris Whitty and sometimes,

656
00:31:50,940 --> 00:31:56,030
you find a nugget of pure genius,
like this from the BBC's Orla Guerin

657
00:31:56,050 --> 00:32:01,730
on the crisis in Yemen.

658
00:32:01,750 --> 00:32:06,140
Down below it's mathematics,
over here, it's Arabic language.

659
00:32:06,160 --> 00:32:09,230
Has already taught these children

660
00:32:09,250 --> 00:32:10,900
to be resilient.

661
00:32:10,920 --> 00:32:14,000
They say the pupils
rarely miss a day.

662
00:32:14,020 --> 00:32:16,030
They're hungry for education.

663
00:32:16,050 --> 00:32:20,250
Now more than ever,

664
00:32:20,270 --> 00:32:21,310
have been extraordinary.

665
00:32:21,330 --> 00:32:23,760
The story she told about

666
00:32:23,780 --> 00:32:26,650
kids being shot by snipers

667
00:32:26,670 --> 00:32:28,680
It was epic journalism.

668
00:32:28,700 --> 00:32:29,030
Was harrowing beyond belief.

669
00:32:29,050 --> 00:32:31,370
And it was delivered to you

670
00:32:31,390 --> 00:32:33,760
by exactly the same machine

671
00:32:33,780 --> 00:32:35,180
that also brought you this.

672
00:32:35,200 --> 00:32:37,970
Lucas, my vagina is on fire.

673
00:32:37,990 --> 00:32:40,610
I feel like
I'm getting an infection.

674
00:32:41,750 --> 00:32:44,900
AUDIENCE:

675
00:32:44,920 --> 00:32:46,560
It stinks, doesn't it?
LAUGHTER

676
00:32:50,520 --> 00:32:50,950
AUDIENCE GROANS

677
00:32:50,970 --> 00:32:52,900
Oh, my word! Good night.

678
00:32:52,920 --> 00:32:55,520
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

679
00:32:55,540 --> 00:32:57,040
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679
00:32:58,305 --> 00:33:58,268
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