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Watch Online Movies and Series for FREE
www.osdb.link/lm

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Thank you.

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Thank you.
Thank you.

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Thank you.

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So, uh, I'm great.
Um...

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everything is great.

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You know,
I was a skeptic at first

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when he said he was gonna make
everything great again,

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but, wow, I had no idea just
how great it was gonna be.

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I mean, every day it's like,
how much greater can this get?

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It's just gonna
keep getting greater

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with this sociopathic huckster

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clown king and his buddies,

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the autistic billionaire
techno fascist.

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And somehow or another,

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he managed to find
an actual Jewish Nazi

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for deputy chief of staff.

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Guy's really got
an eye for talent.

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And his supporters.

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I mean,
just this army of shills

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and stooges and grifters,
collaborators,

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unfuckable hate nerds.

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White nationalists,
crypto dorks,

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wackjob Christian fascists.

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Yeah, you know, and then
there's just about,

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like, 50 million people
who decided,

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I just like the guy!

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And I actually hate them
more than the rest of them,

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to be honest with you.

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I don't like the single issue
Republican voters either,

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you know, 'cause I figure

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in for a penny,
in for a reichsmark, you know?

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And I have peers, you know,
people in my business

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who were single issue
Republican voters,

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and their issue was,
you know, twofold.

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I mean, they were anti-woke,
you know,

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against any policy or language

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that could help the vulnerable
get a leg up,

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and God knows
that makes sense.

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So but they also were
very worried

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about their free speech.

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They didn't want
their free speech to be

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infringed upon,
which it never was.

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I mean, they'd say things,

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and there'd be
cultural pushback,

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and they were like,
"That shouldn't be allowed."

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But, ultimately,
all they really wanted

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was to be able to say
the R word with impunity.

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That was why they voted.

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But along with that,
you know, comes the collapse

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of the federal government,
the destabilization

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of the global economy,
tens of thousands

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of people being
deported to places

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they might not have
even come from,

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the actual
suppression of speech

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and rights of LGBTQ people
and women,

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and the rise of
authoritarianism,

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and sometimes I feel
like asking them,

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"Was it worth it,
you fucking retard?"

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And I guess some of them
would be like,

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"Yeah, it was, 'cause
now on our podcast,

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we can bravely speak power
to truth."

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Now that truth can no
longer defend itself.

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We have to deal with
the shittiest Kennedy.

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I mean, arguably,

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all the Kennedys
have been flawed,

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but this guy is definitely
the shittiest Kennedy.

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And now we're gonna
hear questions

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we haven't heard
in a long time like,

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"Oh, shit, bro,
you got polio?"

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That sucks, dog.

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Well, you know Tesla is
making an iron lung now.

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They're a little
clunky looking,

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but they're bulletproof,

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and they come
with a trailer hitch

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so you can still
go out with us.

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'Cause we're not wearing
masks in the car, dog.

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Other questions
we'll probably hear.

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Maybe something like,
"Hey, how was Paris?"

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I don't know, I think it was
better before it was Russia.

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Really long baguette lines.

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And look, I don't know
what to do really.

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I have no solutions,

84
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but, I mean,
so much is happening,

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it's hard to even know
what to protest against.

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I guess you could
just make a sign

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that says, "Please just stop.
This is crazy."

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And maybe you can bold,
like, stop and crazy

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and then do your
little artwork around it.

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You know, make it your own.
It'll work.

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I don't know what to do.

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I've asked people, you know,
"What should we do?"

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And I had a friend of mine say,
"Well, you just have to be

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"a decent person,

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"treat other people
with respect,

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and live your life
with purpose and meaning."

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And then I'm like,
"No, fuck, uh..."

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What gives my life meaning?

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Well, I guess errands.
You know, errands.

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Like, if I got a few
good errands a day,

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I'm pretty good with
the purpose and meaning.

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Some people are
boycotting Target.

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They're boycotting Tesla.
They're boycotting Amazon.

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Yeah, good luck with that one.

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Try to run an errand
if you're boycotting Amazon.

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Out there in the brick
and mortar world,

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that could take weeks.

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You might have to go
all the way to China

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for your air fryer.

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I was out there in that world,

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and I decided to go out
and, you know, buy a vacuum,

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you know,
with purpose and meaning.

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I bought one,
and I brought it home,

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and I just--
right on the side of it,

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I etched,
"This vacuum kills fascists."

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So I'm doing my part.

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I think some of you
didn't get that reference,

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and also
some of you are probably

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kind of still
not over the fact that

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I actually said the R word.

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I know my audience.

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I'll get, like, probably
two emails tomorrow.

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I know you think it's OK
to say that word in satire,

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but it's still a hurtful word.

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Yeah, I get it.
I understand.

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Progressives have really got
to figure out how to deal

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with this buzzkill problem.

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I know these are
important issues,

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but you do realize we annoyed

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the average American
into fascism.

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You do realize that.

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No one can ruin a barbecue
quicker than a liberal.

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So you want something
from the grill?

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What about the genocide?

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Well, this cookout
is a benefit

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for the victims
of the genocide.

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OK, do you have veggie burgers?

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No, we don't.

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Do you want a hamburger?
I can't eat murder.

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OK, so go over to
the salad table,

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have some hummus.

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I don't know.
It's hard to--

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it's interesting,

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though, about, you know,

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being lefty or progressive
or whatever.

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You know,
we're all good people,

147
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and we lock into these things.
There's no real unity.

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There's never been
an actual American left

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that functioned
in a unified way.

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You just lock into
these little issues

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that you put
your whole life into,

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and it makes you feel better,
and it's not nothing.

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You know, it's proactive.
I'm not saying it isn't.

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But I--look, I know what the
sort of liberal conundrum is.

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'Cause, OK, so recently

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I started using this soy milk.
OK?

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And it's kind of retro,
you know, soy milk,

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but, you know,
I'm plant-based now,

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and, you know,
I need it for protein.

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So I locked into
some old-school soy milk,

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you know,
the Edensoy in the box.

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And I was so excited about,
you know, getting that stuff.

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I'm like, "It's well-sourced."
I'm very--

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I'm enjoying Edensoy soy milk.

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And I talk about this
on the show,

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and the next day, you know,
of course, I get an email,

167
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and it says, "You might
want to rethink Edensoy."

168
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And there's a link,
and that can go anywhere.

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A link on an--you know,
from an email you don't know,

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that could either bankrupt you
or you lose your identity,

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or you could go down
a rabbit hole

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that will make you crazy
for the rest of your life.

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But I'm like--
I fucking opened it, so...

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So I opened it,
and there was an article

175
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and it basically says
that, you know, Edensoy,

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you know, it's an old company.

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It's a well-sourced company,
but they're kind of religious.

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They're pro-life.

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So now I'm in
that situation where

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it's sort of
the liberal conundrum of,

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like, oh, fuck.

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You know, like, I really
like this stuff, you know?

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And then you kind of
keep going with it like,

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"Well, is it really gonna
make a difference

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if I don't use it?"
You know?

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And that went on
for a few hours,

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but, uh--

188
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but I'm still using it.

189
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But I don't enjoy it anymore,

190
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and I think that's really
a progressive victory.

191
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And, look, I know,
you know, we're, you know,

192
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sensitive and angry people
and a bit self-righteous.

193
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We're flawed.
We're frankly broken.

194
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And--

195
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but we broke left, you know?

196
00:10:32,715 --> 00:10:36,092
So at least we're not
hateful douchebags.

197
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It's a room full
of empathy whores.

198
00:10:38,638 --> 00:10:41,514
You know?
Like, can I help?

199
00:10:41,515 --> 00:10:42,891
Is there anything
I can do to help?

200
00:10:42,892 --> 00:10:44,768
No, we're good.
But I want to help.

201
00:10:44,769 --> 00:10:46,854
Just let me help.

202
00:10:50,024 --> 00:10:51,816
I have other issues.
We all have issues.

203
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And, you know, I have,
you know, mental things,

204
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problems that
I should deal with,

205
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and I don't know
really what to deal with.

206
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'Cause, people, my brain's
just going all the time,

207
00:11:00,117 --> 00:11:01,910
and people say, "Well,
you have to rest your mind."

208
00:11:01,911 --> 00:11:04,704
And I'm like, "I don't even
understand what you just said.

209
00:11:04,705 --> 00:11:06,498
I don't even know
what that means."

210
00:11:06,499 --> 00:11:08,917
If my brain rests
for even three seconds,

211
00:11:08,918 --> 00:11:10,126
some other part
of my brain goes,

212
00:11:10,127 --> 00:11:13,296
"You want me to open
the worry folder?

213
00:11:13,297 --> 00:11:15,799
"Got a big list here.
Let's do it.

214
00:11:15,800 --> 00:11:18,760
What do you want to think
about all day long?"

215
00:11:18,761 --> 00:11:20,720
I have intrusive
catastrophic thinking.

216
00:11:20,721 --> 00:11:22,138
That's my problem.

217
00:11:22,139 --> 00:11:23,139
But I'm not sure
it's a problem.

218
00:11:23,140 --> 00:11:24,516
I'm not sure
it's not reasonable.

219
00:11:24,517 --> 00:11:26,059
But I have, like--

220
00:11:26,060 --> 00:11:28,061
there's an argument to be made
that if you think

221
00:11:28,062 --> 00:11:29,354
the worst is gonna happen,

222
00:11:29,355 --> 00:11:31,648
anything shy of that
is a victory.

223
00:11:31,649 --> 00:11:33,733
But to what end?

224
00:11:33,734 --> 00:11:34,818
You know?
I'm exhausted.

225
00:11:34,819 --> 00:11:36,695
I'm tired of it.
I can't control it anymore.

226
00:11:36,696 --> 00:11:38,113
Like, here's a good example.

227
00:11:38,114 --> 00:11:40,365
Like, I could right now,
if you gave me 30 seconds,

228
00:11:40,366 --> 00:11:42,492
think, like, oh,
did I leave the drawstring down

229
00:11:42,493 --> 00:11:45,538
for my blinds so my cat Charlie
can hang himself?

230
00:11:48,082 --> 00:11:49,541
I'm thinking about it
right now.

231
00:11:49,542 --> 00:11:50,834
Right now it's happening.

232
00:11:50,835 --> 00:11:53,169
And I can lock
into that for hours.

233
00:11:53,170 --> 00:11:54,796
If my girlfriend
doesn't text me back,

234
00:11:54,797 --> 00:11:56,756
like, within 15 minutes
of me texting,

235
00:11:56,757 --> 00:11:59,884
I'm like, "Well,
she's dead in a car.

236
00:11:59,885 --> 00:12:02,595
Now what am I gonna do
with her dog?"

237
00:12:02,596 --> 00:12:04,682
All right, so...

238
00:12:07,768 --> 00:12:10,061
I think it's some sort of
survival mechanism.

239
00:12:10,062 --> 00:12:12,272
'Cause when the world is
really as frightening as it is

240
00:12:12,273 --> 00:12:14,816
on all levels, I think
my brain is like, "Well,

241
00:12:14,817 --> 00:12:17,777
"if we use our imagination,
we can make your life

242
00:12:17,778 --> 00:12:19,863
pretty scary and miserable.
Why don't we do that?"

243
00:12:19,864 --> 00:12:23,450
That'll counter it.
Good idea.

244
00:12:23,451 --> 00:12:25,827
I've gotten into this habit
where I get on an airplane.

245
00:12:25,828 --> 00:12:28,538
I get on an airplane, and I'm
relatively afraid of flying,

246
00:12:28,539 --> 00:12:29,998
but I have to do it a lot,
but now it's kind of

247
00:12:29,999 --> 00:12:33,168
even more scary because they
fired all the controllers now.

248
00:12:33,169 --> 00:12:34,919
So now when
you get on a plane,

249
00:12:34,920 --> 00:12:36,546
you just picture one guy
in there going,

250
00:12:36,547 --> 00:12:39,758
"I can't do this myself.

251
00:12:39,759 --> 00:12:42,510
"This is crazy.
Where is everybody?

252
00:12:42,511 --> 00:12:43,845
"Get me a coffee.

253
00:12:43,846 --> 00:12:45,430
"I can't take my eyes
off the screen.

254
00:12:45,431 --> 00:12:47,516
It's busy.
It's very busy."

255
00:12:51,479 --> 00:12:53,271
But for some reason,
I've gotten into this habit

256
00:12:53,272 --> 00:12:56,065
where I'll get on a plane
and I'll just look around

257
00:12:56,066 --> 00:12:57,233
at the people
sitting around me,

258
00:12:57,234 --> 00:12:59,903
and then I picture the plane
falling out of the sky,

259
00:12:59,904 --> 00:13:02,405
just spiraling down.
You know, people are crying.

260
00:13:02,406 --> 00:13:04,532
They're throwing up.
Some people are praying.

261
00:13:04,533 --> 00:13:06,201
The masks are dangling.

262
00:13:06,202 --> 00:13:08,953
Blue water from the toilet
is swirling around everywhere.

263
00:13:08,954 --> 00:13:10,538
And once I get through that,
I'm like,

264
00:13:10,539 --> 00:13:13,166
"OK, I'm ready to take off."
You know, I get--

265
00:13:13,167 --> 00:13:14,501
But what am I preparing for?

266
00:13:14,502 --> 00:13:16,252
I mean, what if the worst
did happen

267
00:13:16,253 --> 00:13:17,754
and it was crashing?

268
00:13:17,755 --> 00:13:21,257
Would I be like,
"I kind of saw this coming,

269
00:13:21,258 --> 00:13:23,092
"and I knew you'd be
the crying guy.

270
00:13:23,093 --> 00:13:25,012
I knew you'd be
the crying guy."

271
00:13:28,808 --> 00:13:30,934
And I don't know
if it's normal.

272
00:13:30,935 --> 00:13:31,935
I don't.

273
00:13:31,936 --> 00:13:33,311
My problem with having
the kind of brain

274
00:13:33,312 --> 00:13:35,647
I have is that,
like, I don't know

275
00:13:35,648 --> 00:13:38,316
if that's where
all my creativity comes from.

276
00:13:38,317 --> 00:13:40,193
I don't know if all
I'm doing is mining

277
00:13:40,194 --> 00:13:41,861
for gold in a river of panic.

278
00:13:41,862 --> 00:13:45,573
I don't know if that's
the nature of my creativity.

279
00:13:45,574 --> 00:13:47,033
'Cause I'm sort of
exhausted by it all,

280
00:13:47,034 --> 00:13:49,494
and I decided I would,
you know, see a psychiatrist,

281
00:13:49,495 --> 00:13:50,829
and I went in
for the full treatment.

282
00:13:50,830 --> 00:13:52,247
I didn't do it on Zoom.

283
00:13:52,248 --> 00:13:54,791
I wanted to be on a couch
with a guy in a chair

284
00:13:54,792 --> 00:13:58,336
that I could judge for an hour.

285
00:13:58,337 --> 00:14:00,004
And I'm a little weird
about medication.

286
00:14:00,005 --> 00:14:02,006
There's something
about taking, you know,

287
00:14:02,007 --> 00:14:04,217
an SSRI that
kind of bothers me.

288
00:14:04,218 --> 00:14:05,635
Now, I know
they work for people,

289
00:14:05,636 --> 00:14:06,761
and people always tell me,
you know,

290
00:14:06,762 --> 00:14:09,764
"Don't put down SSRIs."
I'm not.

291
00:14:09,765 --> 00:14:13,142
I'm just talking about me.
Am I--it's a weird--

292
00:14:13,143 --> 00:14:15,186
here's an analogy
about how I feel

293
00:14:15,187 --> 00:14:16,521
about those kind
of medications.

294
00:14:16,522 --> 00:14:20,149
So I have a cat, Charlie,
and Charlie's got problems.

295
00:14:20,150 --> 00:14:22,735
When I go away,
Charlie will shit

296
00:14:22,736 --> 00:14:26,990
all over the house,
I believe at me,

297
00:14:26,991 --> 00:14:28,324
and he'll beat up
on the other cats.

298
00:14:28,325 --> 00:14:29,659
It's not just shit.
I mean, he--

299
00:14:29,660 --> 00:14:32,328
diarrhea all over
the house when I leave.

300
00:14:32,329 --> 00:14:34,956
So coming home,
it's an actual shit show.

301
00:14:34,957 --> 00:14:37,667
And all the other cats
are hissing at each other.

302
00:14:37,668 --> 00:14:39,794
It's a nightmare.

303
00:14:39,795 --> 00:14:43,131
So I finally called the vet,
and I was like,

304
00:14:43,132 --> 00:14:44,507
"You know, he's shitting
all over the house.

305
00:14:44,508 --> 00:14:46,050
He's beating up on
the other cats when I'm gone."

306
00:14:46,051 --> 00:14:48,511
And she goes, "Well,
he has separation anxiety,

307
00:14:48,512 --> 00:14:52,432
and that's separation anxiety
induced colitis."

308
00:14:52,433 --> 00:14:55,476
And I'm like,
"OK, so what do I do?"

309
00:14:55,477 --> 00:14:58,479
And she goes, "Well, generally
we'll prescribe Prozac

310
00:14:58,480 --> 00:15:02,609
for cats that have that."
And I said, "I don't know.

311
00:15:02,610 --> 00:15:05,069
I don't know if
I'm comfortable with that."

312
00:15:05,070 --> 00:15:06,696
She's like,
"What are you talking about?

313
00:15:06,697 --> 00:15:11,701
"He's shitting
all over the house,

314
00:15:11,702 --> 00:15:13,745
and he's beating up
on the other cats."

315
00:15:13,746 --> 00:15:16,748
And I'm like, "Yeah, but I want
him to be his authentic self.

316
00:15:16,749 --> 00:15:20,043
"You know, like, I don't want

317
00:15:20,044 --> 00:15:23,421
to diminish his personality."

318
00:15:23,422 --> 00:15:25,256
So needless to say,
I'm looking forward

319
00:15:25,257 --> 00:15:27,134
to getting home tomorrow.

320
00:15:29,219 --> 00:15:31,930
But I did go
to the psychiatrist,

321
00:15:31,931 --> 00:15:33,598
and I did tell him
what was going on,

322
00:15:33,599 --> 00:15:35,475
and he said, "Well,
you're not depressed."

323
00:15:35,476 --> 00:15:36,976
I'm like, "I know that."

324
00:15:36,977 --> 00:15:39,145
And he says, "You have
obsessional anxiety."

325
00:15:39,146 --> 00:15:41,314
And the weird thing about
anxiety and depression

326
00:15:41,315 --> 00:15:43,650
is I thought I was
depressed in my life,

327
00:15:43,651 --> 00:15:45,443
but then I realized
that if you're

328
00:15:45,444 --> 00:15:48,321
really anxious, eventually
there's an arc to it.

329
00:15:48,322 --> 00:15:51,282
Your anxiety will exhaust you,
and your brain

330
00:15:51,283 --> 00:15:52,993
will be like, "Well,
let's just be sad."

331
00:15:54,912 --> 00:15:59,415
That's like the comfort zone at
the end of the arc of anxiety.

332
00:15:59,416 --> 00:16:01,376
But he says I have
obsessional anxiety.

333
00:16:01,377 --> 00:16:03,127
I told him I didn't want
to be on an SSRI.

334
00:16:03,128 --> 00:16:05,296
He goes, "Well, there's
another medication they have,

335
00:16:05,297 --> 00:16:07,633
but it generally
doesn't work for people."

336
00:16:09,843 --> 00:16:11,427
And I said,
"That sounds perfect for me.

337
00:16:11,428 --> 00:16:12,804
"That's really--

338
00:16:12,805 --> 00:16:15,223
That sounds like the medicine
I need to be on."

339
00:16:15,224 --> 00:16:19,478
And just to report in,
it's not working.

340
00:16:21,146 --> 00:16:22,981
Now, look, I know
the world we're living in,

341
00:16:22,982 --> 00:16:25,525
and I know it's difficult
and it's scary

342
00:16:25,526 --> 00:16:28,695
to those of us who are
reasonable and rational,

343
00:16:28,696 --> 00:16:30,613
and there's part of me,
and this was kind of

344
00:16:30,614 --> 00:16:33,700
a revelation
I had a few weeks ago.

345
00:16:33,701 --> 00:16:35,326
I said to myself, "Marc,
why don't you just

346
00:16:35,327 --> 00:16:38,454
be entertaining?
People need entertainment."

347
00:16:38,455 --> 00:16:40,915
And this was new to me.

348
00:16:40,916 --> 00:16:46,421
I don't think that I ever got
into this to be entertaining.

349
00:16:46,422 --> 00:16:48,965
I just don't think
that was my plan.

350
00:16:48,966 --> 00:16:51,342
I think I had things
I wanted to say,

351
00:16:51,343 --> 00:16:53,678
and if I said them here,
people would laugh at them

352
00:16:53,679 --> 00:16:55,847
and I'd realize,
OK, I'm not alone,

353
00:16:55,848 --> 00:16:58,182
and it's working out.

354
00:16:58,183 --> 00:16:59,475
But then I realized,
like, well, you know,

355
00:16:59,476 --> 00:17:00,601
you've been doing this
a long time.

356
00:17:00,602 --> 00:17:02,437
Why don't you just, you know,
try to be entertaining?

357
00:17:02,438 --> 00:17:05,440
People at this time
could use some entertainment.

358
00:17:05,441 --> 00:17:08,401
OK.
Now, look, you know me.

359
00:17:08,402 --> 00:17:11,529
I'm not an arena act.

360
00:17:11,530 --> 00:17:15,283
I turn them down all the time.

361
00:17:15,284 --> 00:17:17,452
I think I could do
one arena if it were

362
00:17:17,453 --> 00:17:20,079
centrally located
somewhere in the country,

363
00:17:20,080 --> 00:17:22,373
and I could just bus
my fans in.

364
00:17:22,374 --> 00:17:25,293
You know, buses for Maron show,
leaving out of Whole Foods

365
00:17:25,294 --> 00:17:27,838
parking lots in these cities.

366
00:17:30,382 --> 00:17:33,509
I'm not a casino act
because I don't go to casinos.

367
00:17:33,510 --> 00:17:36,054
I find them, you know,
disgusting and annoying.

368
00:17:36,055 --> 00:17:38,473
It's a job I could do.
It's available to me.

369
00:17:38,474 --> 00:17:40,349
But I don't think
any of my fans

370
00:17:40,350 --> 00:17:42,728
would be in Vegas on purpose.

371
00:17:48,150 --> 00:17:50,693
I think if you're my fan
and you're in Vegas,

372
00:17:50,694 --> 00:17:53,362
you're probably walking around
saying something like,

373
00:17:53,363 --> 00:17:55,239
"Why the fuck did Jenny
have to have it here?"

374
00:17:55,240 --> 00:17:56,950
You know?

375
00:18:00,704 --> 00:18:02,455
And I think if you
were my biggest fan

376
00:18:02,456 --> 00:18:04,832
and you saw a poster of me
in the casino in Vegas,

377
00:18:04,833 --> 00:18:06,375
"Marc Maron tonight
in the showroom,"

378
00:18:06,376 --> 00:18:08,211
even if you were
my biggest fan,

379
00:18:08,212 --> 00:18:12,256
you'd say, "Oh, that's a lot.

380
00:18:12,257 --> 00:18:13,466
"You know, I love him,
but I think

381
00:18:13,467 --> 00:18:14,884
"he's coming to that place
near us.

382
00:18:14,885 --> 00:18:16,094
"You know, we're just starting
to get the hang

383
00:18:16,095 --> 00:18:17,470
of Vegas, you know?"

384
00:18:17,471 --> 00:18:19,388
And I understand.
I understand.

385
00:18:19,389 --> 00:18:22,975
But the entertainment thing,
I really believe

386
00:18:22,976 --> 00:18:24,936
that we do need entertainment.

387
00:18:24,937 --> 00:18:26,854
And I think it can be,
you know,

388
00:18:26,855 --> 00:18:28,564
lighthearted and fun,

389
00:18:28,565 --> 00:18:31,485
and so I'm gonna try
to do that now.

390
00:18:36,657 --> 00:18:38,575
Yeah.

391
00:18:43,831 --> 00:18:49,294
OK, so we had these big fires
in Los Angeles.

392
00:18:52,673 --> 00:18:55,174
They were big.
They were a scary time.

393
00:18:55,175 --> 00:18:56,717
Big fires, like huge ones.

394
00:18:56,718 --> 00:18:59,053
Two big ones and a lot
of little ones popping up.

395
00:18:59,054 --> 00:19:01,055
It was a traumatic,
fucked up time.

396
00:19:01,056 --> 00:19:04,767
And everybody got this app.
I think it's called Watch Duty.

397
00:19:04,768 --> 00:19:06,227
And it was this app
where you could see

398
00:19:06,228 --> 00:19:07,937
fires popping up in real time.

399
00:19:07,938 --> 00:19:10,481
So everybody in the Los Angeles
area was refreshing

400
00:19:10,482 --> 00:19:11,941
the app every three minutes,

401
00:19:11,942 --> 00:19:13,192
and you just see
these little fires.

402
00:19:13,193 --> 00:19:14,610
None of them were controllable.

403
00:19:14,611 --> 00:19:16,279
It was fucking crazy.

404
00:19:16,280 --> 00:19:17,864
And I didn't really
understand the app.

405
00:19:17,865 --> 00:19:19,031
There was a lot of colors,

406
00:19:19,032 --> 00:19:21,200
a lot of different shades
of colors.

407
00:19:21,201 --> 00:19:23,286
There was like
a red that was fire,

408
00:19:23,287 --> 00:19:26,539
a red that was almost fire,
a red that meant

409
00:19:26,540 --> 00:19:28,166
it's thinking about fire.

410
00:19:28,167 --> 00:19:30,418
And then there
was other colors.

411
00:19:30,419 --> 00:19:32,003
One meant, like, you know,
you got to leave.

412
00:19:32,004 --> 00:19:34,005
The other meant
you think about leaving.

413
00:19:34,006 --> 00:19:36,757
And then there was the rest,
like, just be ready to go.

414
00:19:36,758 --> 00:19:39,677
So I did not understand
the app.

415
00:19:39,678 --> 00:19:41,929
There were
mandatory evacuations.

416
00:19:41,930 --> 00:19:44,390
It was fucking crazy.
All right.

417
00:19:44,391 --> 00:19:49,520
So in the middle of this fire,
two fires, three fires,

418
00:19:49,521 --> 00:19:52,148
several fires,
I was supposed to get,

419
00:19:52,149 --> 00:19:53,649
like, my--it was morning,

420
00:19:53,650 --> 00:19:55,526
and I was supposed
to get my kitchen painted.

421
00:19:55,527 --> 00:19:56,736
The ceiling had leaked.

422
00:19:56,737 --> 00:19:58,279
So I was having a guy
come over at, like, 7:30

423
00:19:58,280 --> 00:20:00,198
in the morning to paint
the ceiling in my kitchen.

424
00:20:00,199 --> 00:20:02,074
And I looked at my app,

425
00:20:02,075 --> 00:20:04,660
and I was pretty sure
I was in trouble.

426
00:20:04,661 --> 00:20:06,120
So I was like, "Fuck."

427
00:20:06,121 --> 00:20:08,956
And then the guy shows up
with his paints at 7:30.

428
00:20:08,957 --> 00:20:10,249
He's like, "Can I paint?"

429
00:20:10,250 --> 00:20:14,086
And I'm like,
"What about the fires?"

430
00:20:14,087 --> 00:20:16,047
And the guy said,
"No, no, they're far away."

431
00:20:16,048 --> 00:20:17,506
I'm like, "Are you sure, dude?"

432
00:20:17,507 --> 00:20:19,175
He goes, "Yeah,
they're far away."

433
00:20:19,176 --> 00:20:21,595
I'm like, "All right,
then fucking paint."

434
00:20:28,227 --> 00:20:29,227
So then we go out to his truck

435
00:20:29,228 --> 00:20:30,394
to get more stuff
out of the truck,

436
00:20:30,395 --> 00:20:32,146
and as we're standing
in the street,

437
00:20:32,147 --> 00:20:34,899
this cloud of black smoke
just starts

438
00:20:34,900 --> 00:20:36,651
enveloping the neighborhood,

439
00:20:36,652 --> 00:20:38,110
and we're both
looking up at it,

440
00:20:38,111 --> 00:20:39,612
and now
the once confident painter

441
00:20:39,613 --> 00:20:41,490
says, "Oh, you better go."

442
00:20:43,367 --> 00:20:45,409
And packs up his truck
and leaves.

443
00:20:45,410 --> 00:20:47,203
So I'm like, "Oh shit,
we're doing this."

444
00:20:47,204 --> 00:20:49,914
I'm full of panic.
I go into the house.

445
00:20:49,915 --> 00:20:52,875
Now, I've got three cats
and one carrier.

446
00:20:52,876 --> 00:20:56,087
That's not a porno movie.

447
00:20:56,088 --> 00:20:59,590
It's my life.
Three cats, one carrier.

448
00:20:59,591 --> 00:21:01,259
Now, people that
don't understand cats

449
00:21:01,260 --> 00:21:03,302
say, like, "Can't you just
put them all in one carrier?"

450
00:21:03,303 --> 00:21:05,430
I'm like, "Are you out
of your fucking mind?"

451
00:21:07,516 --> 00:21:10,434
I'll be lucky if I get
one cat into a carrier.

452
00:21:10,435 --> 00:21:12,478
I have one cat carrier
because I only take

453
00:21:12,479 --> 00:21:14,188
one cat to the vet at a time,

454
00:21:14,189 --> 00:21:15,982
and when I got to take
a cat to the vet,

455
00:21:15,983 --> 00:21:19,235
I have to mentally prepare
the night before

456
00:21:19,236 --> 00:21:21,904
and maybe leave the carrier
open somewhere in the house,

457
00:21:21,905 --> 00:21:25,825
because I got one shot at
getting that idiot in there.

458
00:21:25,826 --> 00:21:27,410
And if I don't get
that cat in the box,

459
00:21:27,411 --> 00:21:28,619
we're not gonna find out why

460
00:21:28,620 --> 00:21:30,913
he's shitting
all over the house.

461
00:21:30,914 --> 00:21:33,582
So now I'm in the house,
and I'm filled with adrenaline,

462
00:21:33,583 --> 00:21:35,459
and they say that, you know,
you can lift a car

463
00:21:35,460 --> 00:21:36,919
if you're filled
with adrenaline.

464
00:21:36,920 --> 00:21:39,005
So I'm, like, focused,
I'm locked down,

465
00:21:39,006 --> 00:21:40,923
and I get Charlie
into that carrier

466
00:21:40,924 --> 00:21:43,801
in, like, a second.
I'm like, "Go fuck yourself."

467
00:21:43,802 --> 00:21:45,887
And I shut the door.

468
00:21:50,642 --> 00:21:53,144
But I still got dumb
Sammy and Buster.

469
00:21:53,145 --> 00:21:54,687
And I'm like, "What am I
gonna do with these idiots?"

470
00:21:54,688 --> 00:21:57,440
And then I realized,
on the porch,

471
00:21:57,441 --> 00:21:59,317
I have an un-run errand
in the form of

472
00:21:59,318 --> 00:22:02,320
a wicker hamper that
I was gonna bring to Goodwill.

473
00:22:02,321 --> 00:22:04,030
And I'm like,
"Sammy's going in that."

474
00:22:04,031 --> 00:22:05,364
So I bring that into the house.

475
00:22:05,365 --> 00:22:07,950
I shove Sammy into the bag,
I poke a hole in the top,

476
00:22:07,951 --> 00:22:09,618
and I wire him in.

477
00:22:09,619 --> 00:22:11,662
And now Buster's just sitting
there like, "What's up?"

478
00:22:11,663 --> 00:22:14,458
And I'm like,
"That Amazon box buddy."

479
00:22:16,335 --> 00:22:18,627
So I shoved Buster
into the Amazon box,

480
00:22:18,628 --> 00:22:22,381
and I tape him in like
I'm gonna send him somewhere,

481
00:22:22,382 --> 00:22:25,343
and I just poke holes
in the top with a pen.

482
00:22:25,344 --> 00:22:26,510
And I'm, like, amazed.

483
00:22:26,511 --> 00:22:29,805
I'm like, "I did it.
Look at this."

484
00:22:29,806 --> 00:22:31,640
And then I'm thinking,
like, all right, what now?

485
00:22:31,641 --> 00:22:34,143
And then I realize, like,
well, you got to get a go bag.

486
00:22:34,144 --> 00:22:35,811
Everyone talks
about this go bag.

487
00:22:35,812 --> 00:22:37,229
That's the bag
you got to get ready.

488
00:22:37,230 --> 00:22:39,523
You got to have it ready
for when shit happens.

489
00:22:39,524 --> 00:22:41,025
So I didn't know
what a go bag was really.

490
00:22:41,026 --> 00:22:43,402
I googled go bag,
and the one on Google,

491
00:22:43,403 --> 00:22:45,321
definitely
a post-apocalyptic go bag.

492
00:22:45,322 --> 00:22:47,281
Like, you need
a hand-crank radio.

493
00:22:47,282 --> 00:22:50,534
You need, like, kerosene lamps.
You need dried food.

494
00:22:50,535 --> 00:22:53,204
I'm like, "I'm just going
over the hill to Hollywood."

495
00:22:53,205 --> 00:22:55,706
So in my go bag, I just
put two pairs of underwear,

496
00:22:55,707 --> 00:22:58,626
a hoodie, and just all
the cash I had in the house.

497
00:22:58,627 --> 00:23:00,336
I don't know why
I brought the cash.

498
00:23:00,337 --> 00:23:01,670
I guess somewhere
in my head I'm like,

499
00:23:01,671 --> 00:23:03,422
"There might be checkpoints,
you know,

500
00:23:03,423 --> 00:23:05,925
and you got to grease
those guys."

501
00:23:05,926 --> 00:23:09,261
I've seen the movies.

502
00:23:09,262 --> 00:23:10,930
So I'm loading all this stuff
in the car,

503
00:23:10,931 --> 00:23:12,556
the cats in their boxes,

504
00:23:12,557 --> 00:23:14,058
and I put the go bag
in the car,

505
00:23:14,059 --> 00:23:15,726
and then I look at my house

506
00:23:15,727 --> 00:23:17,186
for what I think might be
the last time

507
00:23:17,187 --> 00:23:19,063
'cause it's gonna burn down.

508
00:23:19,064 --> 00:23:21,316
And part of me was like,
"Oh, finally."

509
00:23:23,693 --> 00:23:25,069
Because there's a lot
of stuff in that house

510
00:23:25,070 --> 00:23:28,489
I haven't been able to
throw away for 40 years.

511
00:23:28,490 --> 00:23:31,117
Like, I could start
with a clean slate.

512
00:23:31,118 --> 00:23:32,993
I mean, I still have books
from college

513
00:23:32,994 --> 00:23:35,579
I think I'm gonna read.

514
00:23:35,580 --> 00:23:37,373
Like, some part of me
thinks, like, I'm gonna

515
00:23:37,374 --> 00:23:38,707
get through
the collected works of

516
00:23:38,708 --> 00:23:41,377
Alexander Pope at some point.

517
00:23:41,378 --> 00:23:43,963
He's a very important
satirist of his day,

518
00:23:43,964 --> 00:23:47,425
and I should know that stuff.

519
00:23:47,426 --> 00:23:49,593
So I say goodbye to my house.
I get into my car.

520
00:23:49,594 --> 00:23:50,803
I have no plan.

521
00:23:50,804 --> 00:23:53,347
I'm just gonna drive
away from the smoke.

522
00:23:53,348 --> 00:23:56,892
And within five minutes,
every cat evacuated its bowels

523
00:23:56,893 --> 00:24:02,022
and emptied its bladder into
their respective containers.

524
00:24:02,023 --> 00:24:05,776
So now my car smells like
a poorly run shelter,

525
00:24:05,777 --> 00:24:07,945
and my only thought is,
"Fuck, I'm gonna have

526
00:24:07,946 --> 00:24:12,199
"to throw this car away

527
00:24:12,200 --> 00:24:16,203
"'cause whatever is
leaking out of Buster's box

528
00:24:16,204 --> 00:24:20,207
is never gonna come
out of that seat."

529
00:24:20,208 --> 00:24:21,876
So I don't really know
where I'm going.

530
00:24:21,877 --> 00:24:23,169
And I decide, well,
maybe you should get

531
00:24:23,170 --> 00:24:25,754
some real carriers
for the other two cats.

532
00:24:25,755 --> 00:24:27,631
You know, and I was gonna go
to Petco

533
00:24:27,632 --> 00:24:30,092
and, you know, get the stuff,

534
00:24:30,093 --> 00:24:32,052
and I thought Petco
opened at 9:00,

535
00:24:32,053 --> 00:24:33,053
but it opened at 10:00.

536
00:24:33,054 --> 00:24:35,848
So now I'm in
the parking of a Petco

537
00:24:35,849 --> 00:24:38,684
in a Toyota
that smells like shit

538
00:24:38,685 --> 00:24:40,270
with three cats going...

539
00:24:42,731 --> 00:24:44,398
And it was kind of
a profound moment

540
00:24:44,399 --> 00:24:46,150
'cause I realized
this is who I am

541
00:24:46,151 --> 00:24:48,236
at the end of the world.

542
00:24:50,780 --> 00:24:52,782
This is where I end up.

543
00:24:55,952 --> 00:24:58,829
So I go in,
I buy two carriers

544
00:24:58,830 --> 00:24:59,997
I got to assemble,

545
00:24:59,998 --> 00:25:02,583
and I buy litter,
litter boxes, and cat food.

546
00:25:02,584 --> 00:25:06,170
All this shit
I had 15 minutes away,

547
00:25:06,171 --> 00:25:09,173
but I did not think
to pack a cat go bag.

548
00:25:09,174 --> 00:25:12,134
Guess I'm selfish.

549
00:25:12,135 --> 00:25:14,303
So now I'm driving, and I still
don't really have a plan.

550
00:25:14,304 --> 00:25:16,639
And people are like, "Well,
don't you have friend's house

551
00:25:16,640 --> 00:25:17,765
that you could stay at?"

552
00:25:17,766 --> 00:25:19,475
And I'm like,
"Why would I do that?"

553
00:25:19,476 --> 00:25:21,435
Why would I stay at a
friend's house for any reason?

554
00:25:21,436 --> 00:25:24,480
I don't stay at people's houses
if they invite me on vacation.

555
00:25:24,481 --> 00:25:27,233
Why would you stay
at a friend's house

556
00:25:27,234 --> 00:25:28,901
if you can afford a hotel?

557
00:25:28,902 --> 00:25:31,278
Why would you put yourself
through that?

558
00:25:31,279 --> 00:25:32,988
Just being up at night
wondering, like,

559
00:25:32,989 --> 00:25:34,406
can I use this towel?

560
00:25:34,407 --> 00:25:38,869
Like, why would you do that?

561
00:25:38,870 --> 00:25:41,205
And then you wake up,
and they're all downstairs.

562
00:25:41,206 --> 00:25:43,040
We made breakfast.
You want a pancake?

563
00:25:43,041 --> 00:25:45,209
I'm like, "No,
I don't want a pancake.

564
00:25:45,210 --> 00:25:48,003
"I want a hotel.
Is there a hotel around here?

565
00:25:48,004 --> 00:25:51,090
"I don't want to be rude,
but I just need my space,

566
00:25:51,091 --> 00:25:56,887
"and I jerked off
in that towel upstairs,

567
00:25:56,888 --> 00:25:59,975
Which is OK to do at a hotel."

568
00:26:02,394 --> 00:26:06,522
So I find a Hampton Inn
in Hollywood, and I pull in,

569
00:26:06,523 --> 00:26:08,816
and there's a lot of
other people there

570
00:26:08,817 --> 00:26:11,235
who were evacuating.
It's kind of tense.

571
00:26:11,236 --> 00:26:13,988
And I go up to the front desk
there and I go,

572
00:26:13,989 --> 00:26:14,989
"Do you have a room?"

573
00:26:14,990 --> 00:26:16,323
And the woman goes,
"We do have a room."

574
00:26:16,324 --> 00:26:17,575
And I'm like,
"Do you take pets?"

575
00:26:17,576 --> 00:26:19,285
And she says,
"We'll take a pet."

576
00:26:19,286 --> 00:26:21,412
And I'm like, "OK, OK."

577
00:26:21,413 --> 00:26:23,539
'Cause, well, I knew
I just had one pet

578
00:26:23,540 --> 00:26:25,207
that looked like a pet.
I had the one carrier, right?

579
00:26:25,208 --> 00:26:27,334
So I'm gonna put on a show
for this woman, you know?

580
00:26:27,335 --> 00:26:30,421
Which is ridiculous,
'cause she doesn't give a shit.

581
00:26:30,422 --> 00:26:32,256
You know, people always say
service industry people,

582
00:26:32,257 --> 00:26:33,841
they don't care about
their jobs anymore.

583
00:26:33,842 --> 00:26:36,510
And I'm like, "Yeah, but
there's a good side to that.

584
00:26:36,511 --> 00:26:39,805
They don't care about
their jobs anymore."

585
00:26:39,806 --> 00:26:41,849
So I still put on a show.
I got the carrier.

586
00:26:41,850 --> 00:26:43,309
I'm like, "This is my pet."

587
00:26:43,310 --> 00:26:46,186
You know, and I take
Charlie up to the room.

588
00:26:46,187 --> 00:26:49,273
And then I get the rolly thing
and I put the hamper,

589
00:26:49,274 --> 00:26:52,818
the box,
I put the go bag on it,

590
00:26:52,819 --> 00:26:54,653
and I'm just like,
"This is my stuff."

591
00:26:54,654 --> 00:26:56,822
You know?

592
00:26:56,823 --> 00:26:58,658
And then out of the hamper,
Sammy goes...

593
00:26:59,743 --> 00:27:00,868
And I'm like,
"I don't know what that is.

594
00:27:00,869 --> 00:27:02,494
"That's crazy.

595
00:27:02,495 --> 00:27:04,163
"I'll figure it out
when I get to the room.

596
00:27:04,164 --> 00:27:06,082
I don't know.
It's crazy."

597
00:27:08,126 --> 00:27:10,544
So I get all the cats
up to the room.

598
00:27:10,545 --> 00:27:12,463
And now, you know,
I put together the carriers.

599
00:27:12,464 --> 00:27:13,714
I get them all
in real carriers,

600
00:27:13,715 --> 00:27:16,216
and I'm just sitting on a bed.
It's 10:30 in the morning.

601
00:27:16,217 --> 00:27:17,718
I'm sitting on a bed
with three cats

602
00:27:17,719 --> 00:27:19,804
and carriers and cash.

603
00:27:21,598 --> 00:27:25,184
Like some dirty cat deal
is gonna go down.

604
00:27:25,185 --> 00:27:26,477
You know, like,
where are those Armenians

605
00:27:26,478 --> 00:27:29,897
with their cats?

606
00:27:29,898 --> 00:27:32,650
Let's get this going.

607
00:27:32,651 --> 00:27:34,026
And then I realized
I'm gonna have to,

608
00:27:34,027 --> 00:27:35,444
you know, let them out,

609
00:27:35,445 --> 00:27:37,404
'cause they're gonna have
to eat and go to the bathroom,

610
00:27:37,405 --> 00:27:38,405
and it's weird
when you have cats

611
00:27:38,406 --> 00:27:40,282
and you let them out
into an alien environment

612
00:27:40,283 --> 00:27:41,575
because it's kind of panicky.

613
00:27:41,576 --> 00:27:43,160
I knew it was enclosed,

614
00:27:43,161 --> 00:27:44,536
but you don't know
what's gonna happen.

615
00:27:44,537 --> 00:27:47,247
I was afraid that Buster would
wedge himself under the bed

616
00:27:47,248 --> 00:27:48,874
and I wouldn't be able
to get him out,

617
00:27:48,875 --> 00:27:49,875
but I had to do it.

618
00:27:49,876 --> 00:27:51,377
So I let him out,
and Sam gets out

619
00:27:51,378 --> 00:27:53,754
and he's like, "I don't
know what's happening."

620
00:27:53,755 --> 00:27:55,172
Charlie gets out,
bounces around

621
00:27:55,173 --> 00:27:56,173
for like five minutes.

622
00:27:56,174 --> 00:27:57,299
He's like,
"Do we live here now?

623
00:27:57,300 --> 00:27:58,676
I can live here."

624
00:27:58,677 --> 00:28:02,221
And Buster wedged himself
under the bed, so...

625
00:28:02,222 --> 00:28:04,098
so now I got the cats out,
and I'm feeling,

626
00:28:04,099 --> 00:28:06,558
like, you know, exhausted.
I'm a little nervous.

627
00:28:06,559 --> 00:28:07,851
I'm frightened.

628
00:28:07,852 --> 00:28:09,311
You know, there's fires
all over the place.

629
00:28:09,312 --> 00:28:12,064
But I'm in a hotel,
but I feel kind of freaked out,

630
00:28:12,065 --> 00:28:13,357
so I figure
I'll call my girlfriend,

631
00:28:13,358 --> 00:28:15,943
who doesn't really like me,
I don't think.

632
00:28:15,944 --> 00:28:17,736
I don't know why I date women
who don't really like me.

633
00:28:17,737 --> 00:28:20,739
I guess I think I deserve it.
But, you know, she's all right.

634
00:28:20,740 --> 00:28:22,991
She's scrappy,
you know, Chicago.

635
00:28:22,992 --> 00:28:28,539
And I call her up and I'm like,
"Hey, baby, look, I'm OK.

636
00:28:28,540 --> 00:28:30,416
"You know,
I feel a little scared,

637
00:28:30,417 --> 00:28:32,710
but, you know,
I'm in a hotel room."

638
00:28:32,711 --> 00:28:35,839
And she says, "Well, good.
You did what you had to do."

639
00:28:38,133 --> 00:28:39,800
And I'm like, "Yeah, yeah,
I just was calling

640
00:28:39,801 --> 00:28:43,554
to tell you I'm OK."
She goes, "OK, good."

641
00:28:43,555 --> 00:28:45,639
And I'm like, "Yeah, I'm gonna
call some other people,

642
00:28:45,640 --> 00:28:47,726
I think."

643
00:28:50,770 --> 00:28:53,397
So I call everyone I know in LA
to see how they're doing.

644
00:28:53,398 --> 00:28:55,023
And, you know,
I kind of settle down,

645
00:28:55,024 --> 00:28:57,317
and, you know, I'm feeling OK,

646
00:28:57,318 --> 00:28:59,027
and night is starting to fall,

647
00:28:59,028 --> 00:29:02,281
and I'm finally feeling
relatively relaxed.

648
00:29:02,282 --> 00:29:04,616
And I'm looking out the window,
which is four stories up

649
00:29:04,617 --> 00:29:06,326
and it's facing
the Hollywood Hills.

650
00:29:06,327 --> 00:29:07,828
And right when
I felt comfortable,

651
00:29:07,829 --> 00:29:11,290
an entire hillside
just explodes in flame.

652
00:29:11,291 --> 00:29:12,916
And I immediately
take it personal

653
00:29:12,917 --> 00:29:14,710
and I'm like, "Why the fuck
is this happening to me?"

654
00:29:14,711 --> 00:29:16,754
And--

655
00:29:16,755 --> 00:29:18,380
but it was a real moment
as a cat owner,

656
00:29:18,381 --> 00:29:20,299
you know,
in terms of what do I do?

657
00:29:20,300 --> 00:29:21,550
'Cause I really thought,
like, I don't know

658
00:29:21,551 --> 00:29:23,218
if I got it in me
to get these cats

659
00:29:23,219 --> 00:29:24,386
into these cages again.

660
00:29:24,387 --> 00:29:26,513
So if this is how
we're gonna die,

661
00:29:26,514 --> 00:29:30,142
we're gonna die together,
and it's gonna be OK.

662
00:29:30,143 --> 00:29:32,102
But I pulled up
a news site on my phone,

663
00:29:32,103 --> 00:29:34,229
and I'm watching them put out
the fire that I'm watching

664
00:29:34,230 --> 00:29:35,481
a mile away, out the window,

665
00:29:35,482 --> 00:29:37,232
and they get it out
pretty quickly.

666
00:29:37,233 --> 00:29:41,236
So finally, I relax enough
to get some sleep,

667
00:29:41,237 --> 00:29:43,530
and I wake up in the morning
and I'm like,

668
00:29:43,531 --> 00:29:46,116
"All right,
so now what do I do?"

669
00:29:46,117 --> 00:29:48,660
I don't know
if I made it clear that

670
00:29:48,661 --> 00:29:52,623
this was not
a mandatory evacuation.

671
00:29:52,624 --> 00:29:55,918
I just freaked out.
I--the--

672
00:29:55,919 --> 00:29:58,462
my house was never
in danger in any way.

673
00:29:58,463 --> 00:30:01,549
I just didn't know
how to read the app, so...

674
00:30:05,428 --> 00:30:07,638
So standing here, I'm like,
"I guess we'll just go

675
00:30:07,639 --> 00:30:11,017
back to the house, you guys."

676
00:30:15,063 --> 00:30:18,690
So we drove back to the house,

677
00:30:18,691 --> 00:30:21,860
and I'm getting the cats
out of the car,

678
00:30:21,861 --> 00:30:24,113
and I see my neighbors.
They're going to work.

679
00:30:27,325 --> 00:30:30,744
And I was like, "How'd you guys
make out last night?"

680
00:30:30,745 --> 00:30:34,414
And they said,
"What are you talking about?"

681
00:30:34,415 --> 00:30:39,294
And I said, "Well,
I evacuated for the night."

682
00:30:39,295 --> 00:30:42,840
And they said,
"Why'd you do that?"

683
00:30:42,841 --> 00:30:47,344
And I said, "The painter--
I don't know. I don't know.

684
00:30:47,345 --> 00:30:48,762
"I don't know why.

685
00:30:48,763 --> 00:30:50,556
"I think I'll be
asking myself that

686
00:30:50,557 --> 00:30:53,517
for probably a few months."

687
00:30:53,518 --> 00:30:55,519
And then I did sort of
have to ask myself, "Well,

688
00:30:55,520 --> 00:30:57,729
what did you get out of this?
What did you learn?"

689
00:30:57,730 --> 00:30:59,565
And, well, I learned
I can get, you know,

690
00:30:59,566 --> 00:31:01,776
any cat into any box
pretty quickly.

691
00:31:06,990 --> 00:31:11,994
And I learned that--
well, I also picked up

692
00:31:11,995 --> 00:31:13,787
a couple new carriers,

693
00:31:13,788 --> 00:31:18,417
and I left the shitty hamper
at the hotel,

694
00:31:18,418 --> 00:31:22,797
so I can check that errand
off the list.

695
00:31:26,301 --> 00:31:28,302
I was happy to be home,
you know, 'cause primarily

696
00:31:28,303 --> 00:31:32,222
because I just had
my house sealed for rats.

697
00:31:32,223 --> 00:31:34,308
This is something you can do.

698
00:31:34,309 --> 00:31:35,851
Yeah, I know you got rats
in New York.

699
00:31:35,852 --> 00:31:37,227
OK, you never--
it's weird.

700
00:31:37,228 --> 00:31:38,896
The rats in LA,
you never know they're there,

701
00:31:38,897 --> 00:31:40,397
and when you see one,
you're like, "Oh, my God."

702
00:31:40,398 --> 00:31:44,359
You know, there's an excitement
but a dread, but--

703
00:31:44,360 --> 00:31:47,362
I live in an old house, and
there's a crawlspace under it.

704
00:31:47,363 --> 00:31:49,823
It's basically a basement.
Not much down there.

705
00:31:49,824 --> 00:31:51,867
There's a sofa,
boxes of books, some tools,

706
00:31:51,868 --> 00:31:54,828
but I've gotten rats here
and there down there before,

707
00:31:54,829 --> 00:31:58,498
and I generally trap them
in kill traps,

708
00:31:58,499 --> 00:31:59,917
and I know there's probably
a couple people

709
00:31:59,918 --> 00:32:01,293
in here that are thinking,
like, well,

710
00:32:01,294 --> 00:32:04,755
you know,
there are humane traps.

711
00:32:04,756 --> 00:32:09,385
And I'm not gonna drive
a rat anywhere.

712
00:32:19,479 --> 00:32:25,276
I'm not gonna be in a car
with a rat...

713
00:32:27,195 --> 00:32:29,655
Wondering how far
I got to drive it

714
00:32:29,656 --> 00:32:33,743
until it doesn't know how
to get to my house anymore.

715
00:32:35,828 --> 00:32:37,329
And there's also
the outside chance

716
00:32:37,330 --> 00:32:42,209
that midway through the drive,
I'll get attached to it,

717
00:32:42,210 --> 00:32:46,046
and I'll negotiate something
like you can live at the house.

718
00:32:46,047 --> 00:32:48,048
As long as you don't bring
your buddies over,

719
00:32:48,049 --> 00:32:50,217
it'll be cool.

720
00:32:50,218 --> 00:32:53,136
But the reason I'm talking
about these rats

721
00:32:53,137 --> 00:32:55,222
is that I was in Vancouver

722
00:32:55,223 --> 00:32:59,518
for a few months, and,
you know, I came back,

723
00:32:59,519 --> 00:33:02,020
and I had not been down in the
crawl space in three months,

724
00:33:02,021 --> 00:33:04,648
and I went down there,
and there was more rat shit

725
00:33:04,649 --> 00:33:06,650
there than I've ever seen
in my life.

726
00:33:06,651 --> 00:33:08,610
Now, picture a lot of rat shit.

727
00:33:08,611 --> 00:33:11,697
Now picture the most
you've ever seen in your life.

728
00:33:11,698 --> 00:33:12,864
It was crazy.

729
00:33:12,865 --> 00:33:15,909
And I was like,
"What is happening?"

730
00:33:15,910 --> 00:33:21,081
So I go upstairs and I Google,
"How much can one rat shit?"

731
00:33:21,082 --> 00:33:23,291
It's a lot.
It's a lot more than you think.

732
00:33:23,292 --> 00:33:25,794
But even for
a digestively challenged rat,

733
00:33:25,795 --> 00:33:27,879
this seemed, like,
pretty prolific.

734
00:33:27,880 --> 00:33:31,133
So I assumed there was
100 rats down there.

735
00:33:31,134 --> 00:33:34,886
So I vacuum up all the rat shit
with my Shop-Vac,

736
00:33:34,887 --> 00:33:36,638
and, of course, I get
an email the next day

737
00:33:36,639 --> 00:33:37,639
from a listener who's like,

738
00:33:37,640 --> 00:33:39,766
"Hope you wore a mask
with that.

739
00:33:39,767 --> 00:33:42,310
Lot of hantavirus out there."

740
00:33:42,311 --> 00:33:46,565
So now I got to be like,
"Oh, fuck you."

741
00:33:46,566 --> 00:33:48,942
Now I got to walk around
for weeks going, "Ahem,

742
00:33:48,943 --> 00:33:50,528
oh, fuck."

743
00:33:53,573 --> 00:33:56,616
I didn't get hantavirus,
but I put like ten traps out

744
00:33:56,617 --> 00:33:59,036
in the basement, like,
all over the place,

745
00:33:59,037 --> 00:34:02,122
and I came down a week later.
No rats trapped.

746
00:34:02,123 --> 00:34:04,207
More shit, no rats trapped.

747
00:34:04,208 --> 00:34:05,584
So I'm like,
"What is happening?"

748
00:34:05,585 --> 00:34:07,711
And then I wait another week.
More shit.

749
00:34:07,712 --> 00:34:09,087
No rats trapped.

750
00:34:09,088 --> 00:34:10,422
So now I'm starting to
freak out a little bit.

751
00:34:10,423 --> 00:34:12,340
So I figure I got
to call a rat guy.

752
00:34:12,341 --> 00:34:14,718
So I Google rat guy.

753
00:34:14,719 --> 00:34:16,636
There's a rat guy
in my neighborhood,

754
00:34:16,637 --> 00:34:19,389
not a corporate affiliated.
He runs his own rat shop.

755
00:34:19,390 --> 00:34:21,850
And when you call him,

756
00:34:21,851 --> 00:34:23,685
you get that rat guy
on the phone.

757
00:34:23,686 --> 00:34:24,686
I tell him what's up.

758
00:34:24,687 --> 00:34:25,812
He goes, "We can have
a team over there.

759
00:34:25,813 --> 00:34:26,813
"I'll bring a team over.

760
00:34:26,814 --> 00:34:29,274
"We'll seal
the whole house for rats,

761
00:34:29,275 --> 00:34:31,735
and you'll get
a year warranty on it."

762
00:34:31,736 --> 00:34:33,195
And I'm like,
"That sounds great."

763
00:34:33,196 --> 00:34:35,655
So he comes over, and he's
looking around the crawl space,

764
00:34:35,656 --> 00:34:36,865
and he sees some holes.

765
00:34:36,866 --> 00:34:38,617
And he's like, "Yeah,
we got to seal those holes."

766
00:34:38,618 --> 00:34:39,743
And then he says to me,
"You know,

767
00:34:39,744 --> 00:34:42,120
"rats can get through a hole
the size of a pencil."

768
00:34:42,121 --> 00:34:44,207
And I say, "No, they can't."

769
00:34:51,172 --> 00:34:53,048
And I say,
"Make it a nickel size,

770
00:34:53,049 --> 00:34:56,010
and I'll believe ya."

771
00:35:00,014 --> 00:35:03,100
So he spends four hours
with a team of people

772
00:35:03,101 --> 00:35:04,684
sealing the house up,

773
00:35:04,685 --> 00:35:07,062
and I'm downstairs
with him after they're done,

774
00:35:07,063 --> 00:35:08,814
and I say to him, like, I say,

775
00:35:08,815 --> 00:35:10,107
"Look, I got
a question for you.

776
00:35:10,108 --> 00:35:11,358
"Can they live in the walls?

777
00:35:11,359 --> 00:35:13,568
'Cause I think
I hear them in the walls."

778
00:35:13,569 --> 00:35:16,363
And he says,
"They don't live in walls,

779
00:35:16,364 --> 00:35:18,449
but they hang out in there."

780
00:35:26,999 --> 00:35:28,458
And I said,
"What do you mean?"

781
00:35:28,459 --> 00:35:30,252
He goes, "Well,
they move through the walls.

782
00:35:30,253 --> 00:35:31,670
"They'll spend time
in the walls,

783
00:35:31,671 --> 00:35:32,712
"but they don't live there.

784
00:35:32,713 --> 00:35:35,048
They're just going from
one place to the other."

785
00:35:35,049 --> 00:35:36,508
And I'm like,
"Well, I had all traps,

786
00:35:36,509 --> 00:35:37,801
and they were still--"

787
00:35:37,802 --> 00:35:40,303
and I had this
horrible realization,

788
00:35:40,304 --> 00:35:43,682
this moment of, like--
I think it was probably shame.

789
00:35:43,683 --> 00:35:47,770
And I said, "Wait, are they
just coming here to shit?"

790
00:35:55,111 --> 00:35:59,239
And the guy says,
"Yeah, I think they are."

791
00:35:59,240 --> 00:36:00,699
And then I'm like,
"Why my house?

792
00:36:00,700 --> 00:36:03,660
"Why is my house
the rat rest area

793
00:36:03,661 --> 00:36:06,204
for the entire neighborhood?"

794
00:36:06,205 --> 00:36:07,914
And he goes, "I don't know,

795
00:36:07,915 --> 00:36:10,750
but I found some pretty old
rat shit down here."

796
00:36:10,751 --> 00:36:12,752
And my house was built in 1907.

797
00:36:12,753 --> 00:36:14,004
So I'm like, "How old?"

798
00:36:14,005 --> 00:36:18,758
He goes, "Well, we don't have
carbon dating, but pretty old."

799
00:36:18,759 --> 00:36:20,135
So then I'm thinking,
like, man,

800
00:36:20,136 --> 00:36:23,388
word must be out
on the rat street.

801
00:36:23,389 --> 00:36:25,182
Like, if there's a rat
within two or three miles

802
00:36:25,183 --> 00:36:26,850
from my house and they're
hanging out with other rats,

803
00:36:26,851 --> 00:36:29,728
and one of them has to
take a dump, they're like,

804
00:36:29,729 --> 00:36:32,898
"You ever been to Maron's?
You got to go to Maron's.

805
00:36:32,899 --> 00:36:35,317
"He's got a couch down there.

806
00:36:35,318 --> 00:36:36,943
"I'm halfway through
the collected works

807
00:36:36,944 --> 00:36:40,031
of Alexander Pope."

808
00:36:42,909 --> 00:36:45,912
My family's been going there
for generations.

809
00:36:51,292 --> 00:36:53,294
I'm not happy.

810
00:36:55,046 --> 00:36:57,130
Are you?
I mean...

811
00:36:57,131 --> 00:36:59,049
I don't even know
if I can identify happiness.

812
00:36:59,050 --> 00:37:01,509
I don't even know if I know
what the experience feels like.

813
00:37:01,510 --> 00:37:03,595
I don't know if I know
the difference between

814
00:37:03,596 --> 00:37:06,056
I'm happy and,
fuck, this is good coffee.

815
00:37:06,057 --> 00:37:08,433
I don't know.

816
00:37:08,434 --> 00:37:10,227
I don't know if I can
identify happiness.

817
00:37:10,228 --> 00:37:13,271
And something happened recently
that kind of illustrated that.

818
00:37:13,272 --> 00:37:15,357
Not long ago,
I was changing my cats' water.

819
00:37:15,358 --> 00:37:16,650
I'm not bragging.

820
00:37:16,651 --> 00:37:19,194
But I was changing
my cats' water,

821
00:37:19,195 --> 00:37:20,528
and one of my AirPods

822
00:37:20,529 --> 00:37:23,114
fell out of my head
into the water.

823
00:37:23,115 --> 00:37:24,741
So I had the same reaction
anybody would,

824
00:37:24,742 --> 00:37:27,953
which was,
"Oh, fuck, God damn it.

825
00:37:27,954 --> 00:37:29,287
Not today."

826
00:37:29,288 --> 00:37:32,582
Any day.
Any day.

827
00:37:32,583 --> 00:37:33,750
But I fished it out.

828
00:37:33,751 --> 00:37:35,168
I'm like...

829
00:37:35,169 --> 00:37:37,421
"Fuck, God damn it."

830
00:37:39,757 --> 00:37:44,010
And I put it back in my ear,
and it worked,

831
00:37:44,011 --> 00:37:45,929
and I don't think
I've ever experienced

832
00:37:45,930 --> 00:37:48,641
that kind of happiness before.

833
00:37:50,059 --> 00:37:54,771
I was like, "Oh, my God,
everything is turning around.

834
00:37:54,772 --> 00:37:57,440
"Maybe fascism won't work out.

835
00:37:57,441 --> 00:37:59,442
"Maybe the Earth
will cool down.

836
00:37:59,443 --> 00:38:00,902
"This is a big day.

837
00:38:00,903 --> 00:38:05,782
I can hear Pink Floyd
in both of my old ears."

838
00:38:05,783 --> 00:38:06,825
My ears are old.

839
00:38:06,826 --> 00:38:08,451
The whole vessel
is getting older.

840
00:38:08,452 --> 00:38:10,495
61 years old.
That's crazy.

841
00:38:10,496 --> 00:38:12,123
I know.

842
00:38:15,209 --> 00:38:18,253
I didn't think
I'd make it to 61,

843
00:38:18,254 --> 00:38:20,547
and I'm not thrilled
that I did.

844
00:38:20,548 --> 00:38:22,382
I had a lot of opportunities
to get out.

845
00:38:22,383 --> 00:38:24,718
None of them were on purpose,
but they didn't work out.

846
00:38:24,719 --> 00:38:26,803
So here I stand before you.

847
00:38:26,804 --> 00:38:28,013
And as I'm getting older,

848
00:38:28,014 --> 00:38:29,723
I've become very obsessed
with my posture.

849
00:38:29,724 --> 00:38:31,975
Like, I feel like, you know,
I have to be up,

850
00:38:31,976 --> 00:38:34,311
like, around here, right?

851
00:38:34,312 --> 00:38:36,563
Because I see guys
that are just a few years older

852
00:38:36,564 --> 00:38:38,732
than me, and it's just
a slight shift in angle

853
00:38:38,733 --> 00:38:42,527
you know, from here
to it's over.

854
00:38:42,528 --> 00:38:43,862
And then it's just
the beginning

855
00:38:43,863 --> 00:38:49,617
of the slow descent into
the hole that you prepaid for.

856
00:38:49,618 --> 00:38:51,077
My dad's around here right now,

857
00:38:51,078 --> 00:38:52,454
and I'm sort of like,
"Just get in, man.

858
00:38:52,455 --> 00:38:54,372
"Just get in.

859
00:38:54,373 --> 00:38:55,999
"Come on.
Enough is enough.

860
00:38:56,000 --> 00:38:57,292
"You don't even
make sense anymore.

861
00:38:57,293 --> 00:38:59,378
Let's do this."

862
00:39:01,964 --> 00:39:03,548
I don't even know
if I want to be buried.

863
00:39:03,549 --> 00:39:05,842
I think it's kind of morbid,
and I don't know who it's for.

864
00:39:05,843 --> 00:39:07,927
It's definitely not
for the person you bury.

865
00:39:07,928 --> 00:39:11,806
I think burial is primarily
just so generations of people

866
00:39:11,807 --> 00:39:15,018
can drive by a cemetery in the
distance, and an adult will go,

867
00:39:15,019 --> 00:39:17,896
"Your grandfather
is buried up there."

868
00:39:17,897 --> 00:39:19,814
And a kid will go,
"Can we go up there?"

869
00:39:19,815 --> 00:39:22,443
And the adult will say,
"No, not today."

870
00:39:24,487 --> 00:39:27,405
Cremation is also an option,
because then people get to ask,

871
00:39:27,406 --> 00:39:29,074
"Well, what'd they do
with Marc's ashes?"

872
00:39:29,075 --> 00:39:30,575
And I imagine
the answer would be,

873
00:39:30,576 --> 00:39:32,535
"I think they mixed them in
with the wet food

874
00:39:32,536 --> 00:39:36,374
in small increments..."

875
00:39:38,167 --> 00:39:39,501
"Over several months."

876
00:39:39,502 --> 00:39:40,752
And then someone will go,

877
00:39:40,753 --> 00:39:44,255
"Ah, that sounds right
for Maron."

878
00:39:44,256 --> 00:39:46,424
Then I read about green burial.
This is interesting.

879
00:39:46,425 --> 00:39:48,134
It's kind of eco-friendly, progressive.

880
00:39:48,135 --> 00:39:50,220
This is where there's
an allotted section

881
00:39:50,221 --> 00:39:52,847
of forest with no headstones,

882
00:39:52,848 --> 00:39:56,017
and I guess they just put you
in a biodegradable bag

883
00:39:56,018 --> 00:39:58,728
and they just bury you
under a tree out there.

884
00:39:58,729 --> 00:40:01,189
But my brain thinks, like,
well, that land's not gonna be

885
00:40:01,190 --> 00:40:02,440
allotted for that forever.

886
00:40:02,441 --> 00:40:05,276
They're gonna develop it
at some point,

887
00:40:05,277 --> 00:40:07,028
which means
at some point in the future,

888
00:40:07,029 --> 00:40:10,532
some kid could just be digging
around behind his house

889
00:40:10,533 --> 00:40:13,868
and be like, "I found a head."

890
00:40:13,869 --> 00:40:15,453
Some other kid
at another tree says,

891
00:40:15,454 --> 00:40:18,581
"There's one over here too!"

892
00:40:18,582 --> 00:40:22,669
But I think that's
what I'm gonna go with.

893
00:40:22,670 --> 00:40:24,129
Because how many opportunities

894
00:40:24,130 --> 00:40:27,216
do you get to really
change a kid's life?

895
00:40:29,468 --> 00:40:33,930
And that's a big day,
the day you find a head.

896
00:40:33,931 --> 00:40:35,640
That's probably
the biggest day of your life.

897
00:40:35,641 --> 00:40:36,724
That's the most fucked up thing

898
00:40:36,725 --> 00:40:38,852
that's gonna happen
to you your whole life,

899
00:40:38,853 --> 00:40:40,061
no matter how old you get.

900
00:40:40,062 --> 00:40:41,354
If someone goes,
"What's the most fucked up

901
00:40:41,355 --> 00:40:42,355
thing that ever
happened to you?"

902
00:40:42,356 --> 00:40:48,069
When I was eight, dude,
we found heads.

903
00:40:48,070 --> 00:40:49,612
Wow.
What'd you do with them?

904
00:40:49,613 --> 00:40:52,241
We put them in a bag
and took them to school.

905
00:40:54,702 --> 00:40:57,329
What else do you do with heads?

906
00:41:01,459 --> 00:41:03,585
I mentioned my dad
was still alive.

907
00:41:03,586 --> 00:41:07,630
He's 86 and
pretty newly demented.

908
00:41:07,631 --> 00:41:10,633
Um, I like to say it that way,

909
00:41:10,634 --> 00:41:13,011
as opposed to has dementia
'cause that's sad.

910
00:41:13,012 --> 00:41:14,679
You know, newly demented.

911
00:41:14,680 --> 00:41:15,972
It's like,
what's gonna happen?

912
00:41:15,973 --> 00:41:17,683
You know?

913
00:41:19,018 --> 00:41:22,270
'Cause it's gonna get weird
before it gets sad,

914
00:41:22,271 --> 00:41:24,981
and it does.
It gets weird.

915
00:41:24,982 --> 00:41:26,608
But it's engaging.
It's interesting.

916
00:41:26,609 --> 00:41:27,942
If you can let go
of who they were

917
00:41:27,943 --> 00:41:29,277
and just deal with what is,

918
00:41:29,278 --> 00:41:32,655
there's a lot
to be gained from it.

919
00:41:32,656 --> 00:41:34,949
Because eventually
the filter goes away.

920
00:41:34,950 --> 00:41:37,327
The statute of limitations
on what they should

921
00:41:37,328 --> 00:41:40,622
or shouldn't tell their kid,
that's gone.

922
00:41:40,623 --> 00:41:43,333
So if you have unresolved
issues or questions,

923
00:41:43,334 --> 00:41:48,421
just reach into
that bingo cage of memories

924
00:41:48,422 --> 00:41:50,632
and see if you can pull out
that missing

925
00:41:50,633 --> 00:41:52,676
piece that'll make you
a whole person.

926
00:41:57,723 --> 00:41:58,890
'Cause we don't know
our parents.

927
00:41:58,891 --> 00:42:00,350
You don't really know them.

928
00:42:00,351 --> 00:42:01,893
And you don't know
yourself sometimes.

929
00:42:01,894 --> 00:42:04,437
I mean, we all have issues
that we don't really know

930
00:42:04,438 --> 00:42:06,022
where they come from
necessarily.

931
00:42:06,023 --> 00:42:08,900
Like, for instance, I'm not
great with relationships.

932
00:42:08,901 --> 00:42:10,318
And over the years,
I've figured out

933
00:42:10,319 --> 00:42:13,112
it's for
a pretty specific reason.

934
00:42:13,113 --> 00:42:15,949
I tend to put a premium,
or I make--

935
00:42:15,950 --> 00:42:17,659
I make sex the priority.

936
00:42:17,660 --> 00:42:19,744
In my brain,
there's nothing better

937
00:42:19,745 --> 00:42:21,621
or more important than fucking.

938
00:42:21,622 --> 00:42:24,249
Now, yeah, well, I'm not
saying it's not important,

939
00:42:24,250 --> 00:42:25,500
but as you get older,
people are like,

940
00:42:25,501 --> 00:42:27,126
"Well, what about,
you know, companionship

941
00:42:27,127 --> 00:42:28,753
and trust and intimacy?"

942
00:42:28,754 --> 00:42:31,214
I'm like, "Eh, I don't know."

943
00:42:31,215 --> 00:42:32,549
I find if you're focused,

944
00:42:32,550 --> 00:42:35,636
you can fuck
right through intimacy.

945
00:42:41,392 --> 00:42:43,810
But as I get older, I realize
it's not a great way to be.

946
00:42:43,811 --> 00:42:46,522
So, anyway,
I'm having lunch with my dad.

947
00:42:50,109 --> 00:42:51,484
I visit him in Albuquerque,

948
00:42:51,485 --> 00:42:52,569
and we go to
this Chinese place.

949
00:42:52,570 --> 00:42:53,903
And we're sitting there,

950
00:42:53,904 --> 00:42:55,613
and the waitress
had put the soup down,

951
00:42:55,614 --> 00:42:57,156
and she's walking away,

952
00:42:57,157 --> 00:43:02,704
and my dad says, "Did you
ever like the Orientals?"

953
00:43:02,705 --> 00:43:04,122
Yeah, we're not fixing that,
all right?

954
00:43:04,123 --> 00:43:07,083
It's not even worth
having that conversation.

955
00:43:07,084 --> 00:43:10,378
That ship has sailed.
That's not what it's about.

956
00:43:10,379 --> 00:43:13,047
But for some reason,
I saw an opportunity here,

957
00:43:13,048 --> 00:43:16,050
and I said, "Yes,
I've dated Asian women before."

958
00:43:16,051 --> 00:43:18,636
And then for some reason,
I look at my dad, and I said,

959
00:43:18,637 --> 00:43:23,600
"Is there anything better or
more important than fucking?"

960
00:43:23,601 --> 00:43:27,271
And my dad, mid soup,
goes, "Nope."

961
00:43:32,651 --> 00:43:34,235
And then you can have
that moment where

962
00:43:34,236 --> 00:43:35,695
you're like,
"That's where I get it.

963
00:43:35,696 --> 00:43:38,824
I get it--
I get it from my dad."

964
00:43:43,162 --> 00:43:45,371
But I guess the liability
of that,

965
00:43:45,372 --> 00:43:48,374
of continuing to be who I am

966
00:43:48,375 --> 00:43:51,336
and not really being able
to develop real partnerships,

967
00:43:51,337 --> 00:43:54,464
the liability of that mindset
is that I'm just--

968
00:43:54,465 --> 00:43:55,965
you're gonna end up alone.
You know?

969
00:43:55,966 --> 00:44:00,887
I'm just gonna end up alone,
just me and my dick

970
00:44:00,888 --> 00:44:04,932
sitting at home
like, "No, we did it.

971
00:44:04,933 --> 00:44:06,893
"Good job.
We've been through some stuff.

972
00:44:06,894 --> 00:44:08,728
Good job."

973
00:44:08,729 --> 00:44:10,188
But I guess if I get
what my dad gets,

974
00:44:10,189 --> 00:44:12,399
it'll be more like,
"You're not my dick."

975
00:44:15,027 --> 00:44:17,904
"Where's my dick?
Whose dick is this?

976
00:44:17,905 --> 00:44:21,575
Who took my dick?"

977
00:44:26,747 --> 00:44:28,873
But he actually
is not in that situation.

978
00:44:28,874 --> 00:44:34,504
He's got a wife that
he took hostage years ago,

979
00:44:34,505 --> 00:44:36,422
and she's taking care of him.

980
00:44:36,423 --> 00:44:38,299
He's got this wife,
and she's about

981
00:44:38,300 --> 00:44:39,676
15 years younger than him,

982
00:44:39,677 --> 00:44:42,387
and she's a born-again
Christian Latina woman

983
00:44:42,388 --> 00:44:46,766
who's kind of Trumpy.
Yeah, but who cares?

984
00:44:46,767 --> 00:44:50,561
She's taking care of him.

985
00:44:50,562 --> 00:44:52,648
I don't want to do it.

986
00:44:54,942 --> 00:44:56,984
I don't believe in Jesus,
but I thank Jesus

987
00:44:56,985 --> 00:44:59,697
every day for Rosie.

988
00:45:03,742 --> 00:45:04,909
My brother and I
don't really have

989
00:45:04,910 --> 00:45:08,121
an aftercare plan in place,
and we might not need one,

990
00:45:08,122 --> 00:45:10,498
because Mexicans generally
move the hospital bed

991
00:45:10,499 --> 00:45:12,792
right into the living room,
and then they can just have

992
00:45:12,793 --> 00:45:17,130
Christmas around the dying Jew.

993
00:45:17,131 --> 00:45:20,759
I think there's a certain
poetic symmetry to that, but--

994
00:45:26,849 --> 00:45:29,016
But we do not have
an aftercare plan in place.

995
00:45:29,017 --> 00:45:31,102
I know my brother and I
have to put one in place,

996
00:45:31,103 --> 00:45:32,520
'cause you have to put
these people

997
00:45:32,521 --> 00:45:34,188
somewhere eventually, right?

998
00:45:34,189 --> 00:45:38,277
Some sort of facility
for like-minded people...

999
00:45:40,404 --> 00:45:42,739
Where they can all hang out
and reintroduce themselves

1000
00:45:42,740 --> 00:45:45,992
to each other all day long
and be just as excited

1001
00:45:45,993 --> 00:45:49,328
every time they meet
the same person again that day.

1002
00:45:49,329 --> 00:45:50,496
And that's not nothing.

1003
00:45:50,497 --> 00:45:53,459
I mean, how fun is your life,
you know?

1004
00:45:55,711 --> 00:45:57,044
A little backstory on my dad.

1005
00:45:57,045 --> 00:45:59,380
About 20 years ago,
he had a business partner

1006
00:45:59,381 --> 00:46:01,591
that screwed him
out of $200,000.

1007
00:46:01,592 --> 00:46:03,176
A long time ago.

1008
00:46:03,177 --> 00:46:07,264
But right now, all my dad talks
about is killing that guy.

1009
00:46:13,437 --> 00:46:15,855
And we're just so happy
he's having a recurring memory

1010
00:46:15,856 --> 00:46:20,485
with some consistency, even if
it's a vengeful murder fantasy.

1011
00:46:20,486 --> 00:46:22,779
If that's what's keeping him
tethered to reality,

1012
00:46:22,780 --> 00:46:23,946
we'll take it.
All right?

1013
00:46:23,947 --> 00:46:27,784
It's a blessing.
It's a blessing.

1014
00:46:27,785 --> 00:46:29,285
The plot thickens a little bit.

1015
00:46:29,286 --> 00:46:31,078
Not too long ago,
my brother calls me.

1016
00:46:31,079 --> 00:46:33,289
He's in Florida.
I'm in Los Angeles.

1017
00:46:33,290 --> 00:46:34,832
My dad's in Albuquerque.
My brother calls.

1018
00:46:34,833 --> 00:46:36,292
He's all worked up.
He's like--

1019
00:46:36,293 --> 00:46:37,502
I'm like, "What's going on?"

1020
00:46:37,503 --> 00:46:39,712
He's like,
"Well, Rosie just called

1021
00:46:39,713 --> 00:46:41,339
and dad's yelling at her."

1022
00:46:41,340 --> 00:46:42,965
And I'm like,
"All right, well, just relax.

1023
00:46:42,966 --> 00:46:44,592
What's he yelling
at her about?"

1024
00:46:44,593 --> 00:46:48,805
And my brother says, "Well,
he wants bullets for his gun."

1025
00:46:48,806 --> 00:46:50,723
And I said, "Well,
she took the bullets away.

1026
00:46:50,724 --> 00:46:52,892
Should be OK."
He's like, "No, it's not OK.

1027
00:46:52,893 --> 00:46:54,268
"It's not safe,

1028
00:46:54,269 --> 00:46:56,020
"and when you go out there,
you got to try to get

1029
00:46:56,021 --> 00:46:57,355
that gun out of the house."

1030
00:46:57,356 --> 00:46:59,690
So I said, "Well, just hold on.
Let's just talk this through.

1031
00:46:59,691 --> 00:47:04,737
So he probably wants bullets
to kill that guy, right?"

1032
00:47:04,738 --> 00:47:06,447
And my brother says,
"What difference does it make?"

1033
00:47:06,448 --> 00:47:10,035
I'm like, "That guy
is not a great guy."

1034
00:47:12,996 --> 00:47:14,080
Just hear me out.

1035
00:47:14,081 --> 00:47:16,707
Let's say we get dad
the bullets.

1036
00:47:16,708 --> 00:47:18,417
He kills that guy.

1037
00:47:18,418 --> 00:47:21,505
They put him in jail.
That takes a lot off our plate.

1038
00:47:26,218 --> 00:47:28,469
I'm just saying let's not look
a gift horse in the mouth here.

1039
00:47:28,470 --> 00:47:31,931
You know, we can have
the state cover the aftercare,

1040
00:47:31,932 --> 00:47:33,224
and if we time it out right,

1041
00:47:33,225 --> 00:47:34,433
he won't even know
the difference.

1042
00:47:34,434 --> 00:47:37,436
It just seems like
a win-win, bro,

1043
00:47:37,437 --> 00:47:40,439
if you think outside the box.

1044
00:47:40,440 --> 00:47:41,816
Now, as funny as that is,

1045
00:47:41,817 --> 00:47:46,654
which I believe it is,

1046
00:47:46,655 --> 00:47:49,949
my dad really wants
to kill that guy.

1047
00:47:49,950 --> 00:47:52,493
So that means I had
to have a conversation

1048
00:47:52,494 --> 00:47:54,453
with my father about that.

1049
00:47:54,454 --> 00:47:55,955
This is the kind of things
you get to talk about

1050
00:47:55,956 --> 00:47:57,415
with a parent with dementia.

1051
00:47:57,416 --> 00:47:59,584
Conversations you never
thought you would have.

1052
00:47:59,585 --> 00:48:02,587
I had to sit my dad down.
My dad can barely walk.

1053
00:48:02,588 --> 00:48:05,840
And I had to sit my dad down
and talk to him, man to man,

1054
00:48:05,841 --> 00:48:07,216
about this situation.

1055
00:48:07,217 --> 00:48:09,135
And I said,
"So what's going on, Dad?

1056
00:48:09,136 --> 00:48:10,428
You want to kill that guy?"

1057
00:48:10,429 --> 00:48:13,431
And my dad says, "Yeah,
I'm gonna fucking kill him."

1058
00:48:13,432 --> 00:48:15,517
And I'm like,
"Not with that gun."

1059
00:48:18,478 --> 00:48:19,729
I said, "Well, are you
just gonna drive

1060
00:48:19,730 --> 00:48:20,730
over there and kill him?"

1061
00:48:20,731 --> 00:48:22,023
He's like, "Yeah,
I'm gonna drive over there,

1062
00:48:22,024 --> 00:48:24,400
and I'm gonna
fucking kill him."

1063
00:48:24,401 --> 00:48:29,572
And I said, "Dad,
can you even drive anymore?"

1064
00:48:29,573 --> 00:48:32,742
My dad gets indignant.
He goes, "I can drive."

1065
00:48:32,743 --> 00:48:37,955
And then he says, "Nah,
I don't know where I'm going."

1066
00:48:37,956 --> 00:48:41,043
So I think that guy
is safe for now.

1067
00:48:47,049 --> 00:48:49,967
So what do you
want to talk about?

1068
00:48:49,968 --> 00:48:52,054
Hitler...

1069
00:48:56,433 --> 00:48:59,143
Hitler was a fucking dick.

1070
00:48:59,144 --> 00:49:00,603
And I say it that way
for a reason.

1071
00:49:00,604 --> 00:49:02,688
I mean, we all used to be
on the same page with that,

1072
00:49:02,689 --> 00:49:06,651
but now it's not so clear,
but Hitler was a fucking dick.

1073
00:49:06,652 --> 00:49:08,235
And, look, you know, I'm a Jew.

1074
00:49:08,236 --> 00:49:09,445
We were taught our whole lives

1075
00:49:09,446 --> 00:49:11,864
to stay away from Hitler,
you know?

1076
00:49:11,865 --> 00:49:13,324
If you're ever walking
down the street

1077
00:49:13,325 --> 00:49:16,452
and there's Hitler, you know,
try to get off that street.

1078
00:49:16,453 --> 00:49:17,620
If you can't get
off the street,

1079
00:49:17,621 --> 00:49:20,581
don't make eye contact,
move by him quickly.

1080
00:49:20,582 --> 00:49:22,124
But the reason
I'm bringing up Hitler

1081
00:49:22,125 --> 00:49:24,168
is we all know that Hitler
and the Nazis

1082
00:49:24,169 --> 00:49:27,463
were the personification of
pure evil on the planet Earth.

1083
00:49:27,464 --> 00:49:29,215
I mean, we have Nazis now.

1084
00:49:29,216 --> 00:49:32,385
You know,
they're not as well-dressed.

1085
00:49:32,386 --> 00:49:34,804
They're kind of ragtag bunches
of militia guys

1086
00:49:34,805 --> 00:49:37,848
wearing Under Armour and camo
and night vision goggles,

1087
00:49:37,849 --> 00:49:39,433
and they get to choose
their own hats,

1088
00:49:39,434 --> 00:49:42,229
which was unheard of
in the '30s.

1089
00:49:46,149 --> 00:49:47,858
The original Nazis,
they looked sharp.

1090
00:49:47,859 --> 00:49:50,653
You know, Hugo Boss.

1091
00:49:50,654 --> 00:49:52,822
That Hugo Boss designed
a lot of the uniforms

1092
00:49:52,823 --> 00:49:54,240
for the upper echelon Nazis.

1093
00:49:54,241 --> 00:49:56,867
That's crazy 'cause
it's still a brand.

1094
00:49:56,868 --> 00:50:00,413
No one ever talks about that.
People just buy Hugo Boss.

1095
00:50:00,414 --> 00:50:01,789
They don't even give a shit.

1096
00:50:01,790 --> 00:50:04,083
They don't even know
that he designed

1097
00:50:04,084 --> 00:50:05,251
uniforms for the Nazis.

1098
00:50:05,252 --> 00:50:07,336
They're just like,
"Look at my Hugo Boss suit."

1099
00:50:07,337 --> 00:50:09,672
And I'm sitting here
toiling over soy milk.

1100
00:50:09,673 --> 00:50:11,758
So...

1101
00:50:16,763 --> 00:50:18,556
But the thing about
the Nazis and the reason

1102
00:50:18,557 --> 00:50:21,183
I'm bringing it up is, like,
look, we know they're evil,

1103
00:50:21,184 --> 00:50:22,810
but it's almost mythic,
and, you know,

1104
00:50:22,811 --> 00:50:24,228
it's historical,
and a lot of us

1105
00:50:24,229 --> 00:50:26,063
don't have
a personal connection

1106
00:50:26,064 --> 00:50:27,523
to what the Nazis
were really like.

1107
00:50:27,524 --> 00:50:28,899
There's a distance there.

1108
00:50:28,900 --> 00:50:30,443
There's a detachment to it.

1109
00:50:30,444 --> 00:50:32,820
And I just want
to explore this,

1110
00:50:32,821 --> 00:50:35,781
because I recently
thought, like,

1111
00:50:35,782 --> 00:50:37,199
well, I want to check in
with Hitler.

1112
00:50:37,200 --> 00:50:39,577
So I watched this
six hour miniseries,

1113
00:50:39,578 --> 00:50:40,578
six different hours,

1114
00:50:40,579 --> 00:50:42,496
about the Nuremberg trials
and Hitler.

1115
00:50:42,497 --> 00:50:44,457
And you think know
most of that stuff,

1116
00:50:44,458 --> 00:50:47,668
and you might,
but the thing that stunned me

1117
00:50:47,669 --> 00:50:49,545
was there's this
sort of detachment to it.

1118
00:50:49,546 --> 00:50:51,714
So I'm watching each hour,
and I'm kind of--

1119
00:50:51,715 --> 00:50:53,257
you know, I'm like,
"Oh, yeah, sure.

1120
00:50:53,258 --> 00:50:55,176
"The invasion of Europe.
Sure, yep, the Holocaust.

1121
00:50:55,177 --> 00:50:56,177
Yeah, I knew that."

1122
00:50:56,178 --> 00:50:57,470
But I'm kind of
passive about it.

1123
00:50:57,471 --> 00:50:59,013
It's not really landing.

1124
00:50:59,014 --> 00:51:02,016
And then something happens
five and a half hours in.

1125
00:51:02,017 --> 00:51:04,643
Now, I don't want to
spoil it for anybody.

1126
00:51:04,644 --> 00:51:06,187
He does die at the end.

1127
00:51:06,188 --> 00:51:08,856
But five and a half hours in,
it's revealed--

1128
00:51:08,857 --> 00:51:10,232
now I don't know
if you knew this or not,

1129
00:51:10,233 --> 00:51:12,943
but before Hitler
killed himself,

1130
00:51:12,944 --> 00:51:14,904
he killed his dog,

1131
00:51:14,905 --> 00:51:17,239
and after five and a half hours
of watching that thing,

1132
00:51:17,240 --> 00:51:18,949
that's the moment out loud,
I said,

1133
00:51:18,950 --> 00:51:21,953
"What a fucking asshole."

1134
00:51:24,915 --> 00:51:27,750
What kind of monster
kills his dog?

1135
00:51:27,751 --> 00:51:29,293
I mean,
I knew that other stuff,

1136
00:51:29,294 --> 00:51:33,589
but God damn it.
Hitler is a fucking dick.

1137
00:51:33,590 --> 00:51:36,676
Jury's in on Hitler.

1138
00:51:40,889 --> 00:51:42,765
I think if Hitler
were alive today,

1139
00:51:42,766 --> 00:51:45,852
he'd probably appear
on Theo Von's podcast.

1140
00:51:49,856 --> 00:51:51,315
And Theo would be like,

1141
00:51:51,316 --> 00:51:53,192
"So y'all did
a lot of meth, right?

1142
00:51:53,193 --> 00:51:55,653
"I mean, all the Nazis
were all fucked up

1143
00:51:55,654 --> 00:51:57,404
"on meth, right, Hitler?

1144
00:51:57,405 --> 00:52:00,699
"That shit will
make you crazy, dog.

1145
00:52:00,700 --> 00:52:01,951
"I did some meth once.

1146
00:52:01,952 --> 00:52:05,121
"I was up for three days,
and then I ate a live bird.

1147
00:52:05,122 --> 00:52:09,583
"No shit, Hitler.
A live bird, bro.

1148
00:52:09,584 --> 00:52:12,169
"Hey, Hitler, you probably
didn't even hate the Jews.

1149
00:52:12,170 --> 00:52:15,965
"That was just the meth
making you crazy, dog.

1150
00:52:15,966 --> 00:52:19,052
Hey, Hitler..."

1151
00:52:21,555 --> 00:52:23,347
"Do you want to apologize

1152
00:52:23,348 --> 00:52:26,767
"to all the Jews
right now on my show?

1153
00:52:26,768 --> 00:52:29,479
No?
I get it."

1154
00:52:36,570 --> 00:52:38,696
I'd like to think that
these jokes are relevant.

1155
00:52:38,697 --> 00:52:41,949
I don't really know.

1156
00:52:41,950 --> 00:52:46,203
I'd like to think my jokes,
you know, have impact,

1157
00:52:46,204 --> 00:52:49,039
but I don't know
the nature of my relevance.

1158
00:52:49,040 --> 00:52:52,084
You know, I think at best,
let's see, my relevance.

1159
00:52:52,085 --> 00:52:53,752
This is the arc
of my relevance.

1160
00:52:53,753 --> 00:52:56,046
Maybe, like, a week or two
from now,

1161
00:52:56,047 --> 00:52:59,925
maybe a couple of you will be
making coffee or something,

1162
00:52:59,926 --> 00:53:01,051
and under your breath
you'll be like,

1163
00:53:01,052 --> 00:53:03,138
"That was funny
what that guy said."

1164
00:53:07,017 --> 00:53:10,686
That's sort of the full arc,
I think.

1165
00:53:10,687 --> 00:53:12,396
Maybe if you want to take it
a little further,

1166
00:53:12,397 --> 00:53:14,773
you'll be in conversation
a few months from now

1167
00:53:14,774 --> 00:53:17,193
with some people, and
they'll bring up something

1168
00:53:17,194 --> 00:53:19,195
I talked about, and then
you'll be like, "Oh, my God,

1169
00:53:19,196 --> 00:53:22,114
"I just--I saw this comic
talking about the same thing.

1170
00:53:22,115 --> 00:53:23,657
Do you know that comic
Marc Maron?"

1171
00:53:23,658 --> 00:53:25,618
And maybe two out of the four
will be like, "Oh, yeah,

1172
00:53:25,619 --> 00:53:26,952
I think I know that guy."

1173
00:53:26,953 --> 00:53:31,665
And then you'll paraphrase
my joke badly,

1174
00:53:31,666 --> 00:53:33,626
and it won't get any laughs,

1175
00:53:33,627 --> 00:53:35,044
and then you have
that awkward moment,

1176
00:53:35,045 --> 00:53:37,254
and you'll be like,
"Was that even funny?"

1177
00:53:37,255 --> 00:53:40,049
So...

1178
00:53:40,050 --> 00:53:42,134
But I like to think
I'm relevant, but I know--

1179
00:53:42,135 --> 00:53:44,428
you know,
I'm not totally delusional.

1180
00:53:44,429 --> 00:53:46,805
I know there's no joke
that I'm going to do

1181
00:53:46,806 --> 00:53:49,600
that's gonna go viral
and just make

1182
00:53:49,601 --> 00:53:52,102
all these new young Nazis
just be like,

1183
00:53:52,103 --> 00:53:55,190
"Oh, man, I'm just mad
at my dad, I think."

1184
00:53:59,444 --> 00:54:03,364
"I might be gay too.
This is crazy.

1185
00:54:03,365 --> 00:54:07,243
"That Jew's joke really
fucked with my head.

1186
00:54:07,244 --> 00:54:09,955
But that's what Jews do."

1187
00:54:13,375 --> 00:54:15,459
I've learned from doing
that joke that gay men

1188
00:54:15,460 --> 00:54:19,880
don't like it for
a very specific reason.

1189
00:54:19,881 --> 00:54:21,423
They don't like
the association.

1190
00:54:21,424 --> 00:54:24,093
They don't like the idea
that these incels

1191
00:54:24,094 --> 00:54:26,595
and these young Nazis
are the way they are

1192
00:54:26,596 --> 00:54:29,306
because they're closeted
or they're latent homosexuals.

1193
00:54:29,307 --> 00:54:31,475
They don't like
the association.

1194
00:54:31,476 --> 00:54:35,730
And I hear them, and I get it,
but I'm gonna stand by it 100%.

1195
00:54:38,066 --> 00:54:39,316
'Cause they're so gay.

1196
00:54:39,317 --> 00:54:42,027
Have you ever seen footage
of a bunch of young Nazis?

1197
00:54:42,028 --> 00:54:44,113
It's like all that's missing
is, like, dance music

1198
00:54:44,114 --> 00:54:47,574
and a theme of some kind,
which I guess would be...

1199
00:54:47,575 --> 00:54:50,996
Nazis
You know, like--

1200
00:54:53,415 --> 00:54:55,374
An older gay guy came up
to me after a show,

1201
00:54:55,375 --> 00:54:58,420
and he put it this way.
He said, "We don't want 'em."

1202
00:55:02,424 --> 00:55:05,884
And I thought, uh,
you do kind of, though.

1203
00:55:05,885 --> 00:55:07,011
I mean, they're so hot.

1204
00:55:07,012 --> 00:55:09,763
Have you seen some of
those hot young Nazis?

1205
00:55:09,764 --> 00:55:12,475
Come on, who doesn't want
to turn a Nazi?

1206
00:55:15,478 --> 00:55:19,106
Come on, old queen.
You've still got game.

1207
00:55:19,107 --> 00:55:21,608
Do it for America.

1208
00:55:21,609 --> 00:55:26,114
Set them free with your cock.

1209
00:55:32,662 --> 00:55:36,749
All right, so this next bit

1210
00:55:36,750 --> 00:55:39,835
is gonna be difficult for you

1211
00:55:39,836 --> 00:55:42,046
as an audience,

1212
00:55:42,047 --> 00:55:44,631
but I just want you to know
that I'm OK.

1213
00:55:44,632 --> 00:55:45,758
I can handle it.

1214
00:55:45,759 --> 00:55:49,136
I believe that I can get
what I'm about to talk about

1215
00:55:49,137 --> 00:55:51,013
up to the level
where it needs to be.

1216
00:55:51,014 --> 00:55:52,598
I've processed it.
I'm OK.

1217
00:55:52,599 --> 00:55:53,974
So don't worry about me.

1218
00:55:53,975 --> 00:55:55,934
Whatever you do with it,
that's on you.

1219
00:55:55,935 --> 00:56:00,689
But just know heading
into this that I'm OK.

1220
00:56:00,690 --> 00:56:03,442
OK, trauma.

1221
00:56:03,443 --> 00:56:05,527
Now, I believe that
everyone has trauma.

1222
00:56:05,528 --> 00:56:08,614
Everybody is on the spectrum
of PTSD in some way.

1223
00:56:08,615 --> 00:56:11,033
And I'm a big fan of
trauma therapy,

1224
00:56:11,034 --> 00:56:12,284
which is fairly new.
This is--

1225
00:56:12,285 --> 00:56:15,496
the idea of trauma therapy is
where you bring up your trauma

1226
00:56:15,497 --> 00:56:17,748
into the present,
and you process it

1227
00:56:17,749 --> 00:56:20,084
either through EMDR
or talk therapy.

1228
00:56:20,085 --> 00:56:21,835
And the idea is
you sort of disarm it,

1229
00:56:21,836 --> 00:56:23,796
you integrate it
into who you are now,

1230
00:56:23,797 --> 00:56:26,382
so it's no longer repressed
and constantly retriggered.

1231
00:56:26,383 --> 00:56:27,925
I think it's brilliant,

1232
00:56:27,926 --> 00:56:29,468
and I think one of
the benefits of it

1233
00:56:29,469 --> 00:56:31,345
is that after you
process your trauma,

1234
00:56:31,346 --> 00:56:34,598
you can decide which trauma
or traumas

1235
00:56:34,599 --> 00:56:37,518
had the biggest impact
on your life.

1236
00:56:37,519 --> 00:56:39,604
OK, that's the setup.

1237
00:56:45,151 --> 00:56:49,154
All right, so when I was a kid,
my father was in the Air Force.

1238
00:56:49,155 --> 00:56:50,823
He was stationed
up in Anchorage, Alaska,

1239
00:56:50,824 --> 00:56:53,200
for two years.
I think I was six or seven.

1240
00:56:53,201 --> 00:56:55,119
My brother was
probably four or five.

1241
00:56:55,120 --> 00:56:58,080
And during that time,
we had a babysitter

1242
00:56:58,081 --> 00:57:01,625
who was a male babysitter,
a guy,

1243
00:57:01,626 --> 00:57:05,003
and he wanted me and
my brother to suck his dick.

1244
00:57:05,004 --> 00:57:07,548
I'm pretty sure
I didn't do it, all right?

1245
00:57:07,549 --> 00:57:09,258
But as I get older,
I'm like,

1246
00:57:09,259 --> 00:57:13,011
"How could I not have done it?"
All right.

1247
00:57:13,012 --> 00:57:14,805
We told my dad about it.

1248
00:57:14,806 --> 00:57:16,849
And all I remember
my dad saying,

1249
00:57:16,850 --> 00:57:18,183
it must have been
a bigger conversation,

1250
00:57:18,184 --> 00:57:19,768
but all I remember
him saying was,

1251
00:57:19,769 --> 00:57:21,478
"Yeah, his dad's a sergeant."

1252
00:57:21,479 --> 00:57:24,106
Now, I don't know
how that's helpful,

1253
00:57:24,107 --> 00:57:26,275
and I don't know
what it really meant.

1254
00:57:26,276 --> 00:57:28,777
I know it's a lot to take.

1255
00:57:28,778 --> 00:57:30,237
A couple of years later,
we had moved,

1256
00:57:30,238 --> 00:57:32,114
and at this point,
I'm in elementary school.

1257
00:57:32,115 --> 00:57:34,283
And I imagine most of
your moms know how to fold

1258
00:57:34,284 --> 00:57:35,617
a lunch bag.
It's not hard.

1259
00:57:35,618 --> 00:57:37,119
You crease it, fold it,
crease it, fold it,

1260
00:57:37,120 --> 00:57:38,454
crease it again.

1261
00:57:38,455 --> 00:57:39,830
Make a little handle
for your kid to take

1262
00:57:39,831 --> 00:57:41,498
to school on his lunch bag.

1263
00:57:41,499 --> 00:57:43,917
And my mom just
couldn't do that.

1264
00:57:43,918 --> 00:57:47,129
She would just scrunch it up
into this pillar of garbage,

1265
00:57:47,130 --> 00:57:48,964
and she would wrap
my peanut butter and jelly

1266
00:57:48,965 --> 00:57:50,549
sandwiches in tinfoil,
which made them

1267
00:57:50,550 --> 00:57:52,050
this gooey, fucked up mess.

1268
00:57:52,051 --> 00:57:54,261
All these other kids
with their Glad sandwich bags

1269
00:57:54,262 --> 00:57:55,846
and their neatly folded
lunch bags.

1270
00:57:55,847 --> 00:57:59,558
I got my trash sack.

1271
00:57:59,559 --> 00:58:01,268
And my mom thought
I was a fat kid,

1272
00:58:01,269 --> 00:58:04,104
so she'd put a half a diet pill
in my lunch bag.

1273
00:58:04,105 --> 00:58:06,273
Yeah, that went on for years.

1274
00:58:06,274 --> 00:58:07,399
And I'll be honest with you,

1275
00:58:07,400 --> 00:58:11,529
much worse than blowing
the babysitter.

1276
00:58:17,702 --> 00:58:19,328
My mom put me in Cub Scouts.

1277
00:58:19,329 --> 00:58:20,496
Do I seem like
the kind of grown man

1278
00:58:20,497 --> 00:58:23,415
that would be a good candidate
for the scouts

1279
00:58:23,416 --> 00:58:25,083
as the kid you picture?

1280
00:58:25,084 --> 00:58:26,251
I don't even know
why she did it.

1281
00:58:26,252 --> 00:58:27,336
I don't think she cared.

1282
00:58:27,337 --> 00:58:29,796
I think she just wanted
more time to do her macramé

1283
00:58:29,797 --> 00:58:31,548
and smoke and drink Blue Nun.

1284
00:58:31,549 --> 00:58:34,343
Now, there's some
parental responsibility

1285
00:58:34,344 --> 00:58:35,344
involved in Cub Scouts.

1286
00:58:35,345 --> 00:58:36,637
Your mom's got to sew
the patches

1287
00:58:36,638 --> 00:58:39,348
on your little uniform
and get you a little hat,

1288
00:58:39,349 --> 00:58:41,600
and there's a way to do it.
It's in the manual.

1289
00:58:41,601 --> 00:58:43,352
My mom didn't read the manual.

1290
00:58:43,353 --> 00:58:45,187
She just sewed them wherever
she felt like she--

1291
00:58:45,188 --> 00:58:46,188
they looked cool.

1292
00:58:46,189 --> 00:58:47,856
I think there was one
on my pants.

1293
00:58:47,857 --> 00:58:51,068
There's, like, a patch
on the back of my shoulder.

1294
00:58:51,069 --> 00:58:53,571
She didn't get me
a fucking hat.

1295
00:58:57,408 --> 00:59:01,328
My troop failed inspection
because of me.

1296
00:59:01,329 --> 00:59:04,415
So much worse than
blowing a babysitter.

1297
00:59:10,547 --> 00:59:13,131
Now, look, I don't want
to trivialize

1298
00:59:13,132 --> 00:59:15,384
anyone's trauma or abuse,

1299
00:59:15,385 --> 00:59:17,177
and, you know,
it's obviously horrible.

1300
00:59:17,178 --> 00:59:18,887
And who knows?
Maybe in a couple of years,

1301
00:59:18,888 --> 00:59:21,181
I'll figure out that
blowing the babysitter

1302
00:59:21,182 --> 00:59:24,017
is exactly why
I'm the way I am.

1303
00:59:24,018 --> 00:59:27,479
And at that point, I guess
I'll just quit doing stand up

1304
00:59:27,480 --> 00:59:30,567
and probably just do TED Talks.

1305
00:59:32,860 --> 00:59:38,615
Yeah, about blowing babysitters
and related stuff, you know.

1306
00:59:38,616 --> 00:59:43,120
But that's not
what's happening now.

1307
00:59:43,121 --> 00:59:44,413
And sometimes I wonder,
you know,

1308
00:59:44,414 --> 00:59:47,374
what happened to
that babysitter, you know?

1309
00:59:47,375 --> 00:59:49,167
What happened to that guy?

1310
00:59:49,168 --> 00:59:53,046
Is he somewhere up in Alaska

1311
00:59:53,047 --> 00:59:55,257
on stage in some B comedy room

1312
00:59:55,258 --> 00:59:58,344
doing his side of it?

1313
01:00:00,680 --> 01:00:02,180
Is he somewhere just
standing there going,

1314
01:00:02,181 --> 01:00:05,517
"So my dad, the sarge,

1315
01:00:05,518 --> 01:00:08,145
"used to make me babysit
when I was younger.

1316
01:00:08,146 --> 01:00:10,981
"What kind of guy babysits?

1317
01:00:10,982 --> 01:00:15,027
"So I just made
the kids blow me.

1318
01:00:15,028 --> 01:00:16,820
"Oh, what are you too woke
to laugh at that,

1319
01:00:16,821 --> 01:00:19,489
"you fucking babies?

1320
01:00:19,490 --> 01:00:21,575
"Am I gonna get canceled
for my blowing

1321
01:00:21,576 --> 01:00:24,828
"the babysitter bit,
you liberal pussies?

1322
01:00:24,829 --> 01:00:26,873
Fuck you."

1323
01:00:34,255 --> 01:00:39,843
My dad, the sarge,

1324
01:00:39,844 --> 01:00:43,263
taught me how to write my name
in the snow with his dick.

1325
01:00:43,264 --> 01:00:45,390
Where you at, people?
Too dark?

1326
01:00:45,391 --> 01:00:48,478
Is it too dark
for you liberal babies?

1327
01:00:56,110 --> 01:00:57,904
My dad...

1328
01:01:00,615 --> 01:01:06,078
The sarge,
used to say things like,

1329
01:01:06,079 --> 01:01:09,665
"Am I clear for landing,"
before he came on my back.

1330
01:01:09,666 --> 01:01:12,417
Is that the edge?
Is that the edge?

1331
01:01:12,418 --> 01:01:14,878
Too dark
for you little pussies?

1332
01:01:14,879 --> 01:01:17,799
You're gonna cancel me,
you libtard fucks?

1333
01:01:24,180 --> 01:01:25,847
Takes everything I have
not to do a full

1334
01:01:25,848 --> 01:01:28,184
one man show as that guy.

1335
01:01:30,144 --> 01:01:34,272
And, look, I...

1336
01:01:34,273 --> 01:01:36,358
I don't know where he came from

1337
01:01:36,359 --> 01:01:38,527
or why I manifested him.

1338
01:01:38,528 --> 01:01:40,862
I don't know why.

1339
01:01:40,863 --> 01:01:43,615
He's kind of an interesting
character though, right?

1340
01:01:43,616 --> 01:01:45,826
It's challenging.

1341
01:01:45,827 --> 01:01:47,327
Like, at the beginning
of that story,

1342
01:01:47,328 --> 01:01:50,415
you didn't think you'd have
empathy for that guy, did you?

1343
01:01:55,628 --> 01:01:56,878
I'll let you off
the hook a little bit.

1344
01:01:56,879 --> 01:01:59,798
So I was doing a show,

1345
01:01:59,799 --> 01:02:01,216
you know,
leading up to this special.

1346
01:02:01,217 --> 01:02:05,429
I was doing a show in Vegas
at a club, not a casino,

1347
01:02:05,430 --> 01:02:08,432
and, you know, I was
working out that stuff,

1348
01:02:08,433 --> 01:02:10,559
and sometimes
my dad's wife, Rosie,

1349
01:02:10,560 --> 01:02:12,436
drives him hundreds
and hundreds of miles

1350
01:02:12,437 --> 01:02:14,980
to see me perform 'cause
he gets a kick out of it.

1351
01:02:14,981 --> 01:02:17,274
And he came to see me,
and, you know,

1352
01:02:17,275 --> 01:02:20,402
I was working on that bit.

1353
01:02:20,403 --> 01:02:22,988
And after the show,
I was sitting

1354
01:02:22,989 --> 01:02:24,573
in the green room with him,
you know,

1355
01:02:24,574 --> 01:02:28,034
just me and my demented dad,

1356
01:02:28,035 --> 01:02:29,661
and I said to him--I said,
"Do you remember that?

1357
01:02:29,662 --> 01:02:32,122
Do you remember
that babysitter thing?"

1358
01:02:32,123 --> 01:02:34,332
He goes, "I do."

1359
01:02:34,333 --> 01:02:40,046
And I said,
"So did we blow him?"

1360
01:02:40,047 --> 01:02:42,132
And my dad said, "No,
you guys didn't do that.

1361
01:02:42,133 --> 01:02:45,135
And I said, "OK,
well, that's a relief."

1362
01:02:45,136 --> 01:02:47,137
And then we're just sitting
there for like three minutes,

1363
01:02:47,138 --> 01:02:49,097
and I just hear my dad
kind of mumble, like,

1364
01:02:49,098 --> 01:02:52,185
"His dad was a sergeant."

1365
01:02:56,147 --> 01:02:57,647
I still don't know
what that means.

1366
01:02:57,648 --> 01:03:00,901
It was not really
a helpful puzzle piece,

1367
01:03:00,902 --> 01:03:03,029
to be honest with you.

1368
01:03:08,075 --> 01:03:09,951
I know that bit's a lot,

1369
01:03:09,952 --> 01:03:13,623
and I'm not even sure
it's necessary.

1370
01:03:17,794 --> 01:03:21,046
But, you know, you got
to challenge yourself.

1371
01:03:21,047 --> 01:03:23,048
But I can lighten it up.

1372
01:03:23,049 --> 01:03:24,716
Let's cleanse the palate
a little bit.

1373
01:03:24,717 --> 01:03:29,971
So my cat, Charlie,
is kind of an asshole,

1374
01:03:29,972 --> 01:03:31,306
but all cats are assholes.

1375
01:03:31,307 --> 01:03:33,183
That's sort of why
you get a cat.

1376
01:03:33,184 --> 01:03:34,768
You know, those people who
like dogs, they're just--

1377
01:03:34,769 --> 01:03:36,144
you know, they're just needy,

1378
01:03:36,145 --> 01:03:39,022
and, you know, cat people
want a challenge.

1379
01:03:39,023 --> 01:03:40,148
They want to live
with an animal

1380
01:03:40,149 --> 01:03:42,275
that they really don't know
if it likes them at all

1381
01:03:42,276 --> 01:03:44,236
for as long
as that animal lives,

1382
01:03:44,237 --> 01:03:47,781
and I think all cats
are assholes at the beginning,

1383
01:03:47,782 --> 01:03:49,199
but that's--
you know, you like them.

1384
01:03:49,200 --> 01:03:51,743
At first you're sort of like,
"This fucking asshole."

1385
01:03:51,744 --> 01:03:53,370
And then within
like six months,

1386
01:03:53,371 --> 01:03:55,330
you're like,
"Aw, look at the asshole."

1387
01:03:55,331 --> 01:03:58,208
You know, so

1388
01:03:58,209 --> 01:03:59,751
I had kind of a deep moment,

1389
01:03:59,752 --> 01:04:01,628
kind of a life changing moment
with Charlie,

1390
01:04:01,629 --> 01:04:03,588
and I want to share it
with you.

1391
01:04:03,589 --> 01:04:07,092
So I like to play with
the scrunchy ball with Charlie.

1392
01:04:07,093 --> 01:04:08,468
It's a little scrunchy ball,
and I'll throw it,

1393
01:04:08,469 --> 01:04:10,178
and he'll go play with it.
Sometimes he'll fetch it.

1394
01:04:10,179 --> 01:04:11,847
Smart cat.
I enjoy--

1395
01:04:11,848 --> 01:04:14,808
I like to watch Charlie
play with the ball.

1396
01:04:14,809 --> 01:04:16,893
But it doesn't matter
where I play with that ball

1397
01:04:16,894 --> 01:04:18,270
in my house,
upstairs or downstairs.

1398
01:04:18,271 --> 01:04:19,271
Within four minutes,

1399
01:04:19,272 --> 01:04:20,605
it's gonna end up
under the stove.

1400
01:04:20,606 --> 01:04:24,025
I don't see it happen,
but all scrunchy balls

1401
01:04:24,026 --> 01:04:26,611
will end up under the stove.

1402
01:04:26,612 --> 01:04:31,032
So, recently, I was on my knees
with a broom handle

1403
01:04:31,033 --> 01:04:32,617
trying to get
a scrunchy ball out.

1404
01:04:32,618 --> 01:04:34,119
I got my iPhone light.

1405
01:04:34,120 --> 01:04:35,620
I'm trying to get
a scrunchy ball out

1406
01:04:35,621 --> 01:04:36,913
from under the stove,
and I noticed Charlie's

1407
01:04:36,914 --> 01:04:38,957
just sitting there,
and I realized, oh, shit,

1408
01:04:38,958 --> 01:04:42,044
he likes to watch me play
with the ball.

1409
01:04:46,966 --> 01:04:51,137
This whole thing's
been a setup all along.

1410
01:04:54,181 --> 01:04:56,349
OK, I have to set up
a sound cue

1411
01:04:56,350 --> 01:05:00,145
on my phone for this last bit.

1412
01:05:00,146 --> 01:05:01,354
Sound guys are always like,
"You know,

1413
01:05:01,355 --> 01:05:03,106
we can do it from the board."
I'm like, "No, no, no.

1414
01:05:03,107 --> 01:05:06,151
Me and my phone have a thing."

1415
01:05:06,152 --> 01:05:08,445
I think my phone is
my primary emotional partner,

1416
01:05:08,446 --> 01:05:11,072
to be honest with you.
Right?

1417
01:05:11,073 --> 01:05:12,407
'Cause if you scroll
on your phone,

1418
01:05:12,408 --> 01:05:14,826
you get everything you need.
You know?

1419
01:05:14,827 --> 01:05:16,995
You get laughs.
You learn things.

1420
01:05:16,996 --> 01:05:20,957
Sometimes you cry.
Sometimes it's just moving.

1421
01:05:20,958 --> 01:05:24,085
You know, you feel
understood and seen.

1422
01:05:24,086 --> 01:05:25,295
You know, all the things
you should be getting

1423
01:05:25,296 --> 01:05:27,422
from your human partner
who's sitting

1424
01:05:27,423 --> 01:05:31,092
across from you on their phone.

1425
01:05:31,093 --> 01:05:32,427
You check in with them like,

1426
01:05:32,428 --> 01:05:34,763
you know,
"What are you laughing at?"

1427
01:05:34,764 --> 01:05:38,434
And they'll say,
"I'll text it to you."

1428
01:05:43,439 --> 01:05:46,316
So I like to exercise
because there's some part

1429
01:05:46,317 --> 01:05:47,692
of me that wants to live,

1430
01:05:47,693 --> 01:05:52,614
and I was doing
this hike for a while.

1431
01:05:52,615 --> 01:05:54,866
I--It was a pretty hard hike,
and I was doing it, like,

1432
01:05:54,867 --> 01:05:56,618
two or three times a week,

1433
01:05:56,619 --> 01:05:58,453
and it's a straight up hike.

1434
01:05:58,454 --> 01:06:01,873
It's, like, a steep incline
for, like, 50 minutes,

1435
01:06:01,874 --> 01:06:03,166
and then you get to the top,

1436
01:06:03,167 --> 01:06:05,335
and you can kind of, you know,
run or walk down.

1437
01:06:05,336 --> 01:06:08,672
And I did it not too long ago,
and I got to the top,

1438
01:06:08,673 --> 01:06:11,007
and I just passed out.

1439
01:06:11,008 --> 01:06:12,842
I was by myself,
and I passed out.

1440
01:06:12,843 --> 01:06:14,427
It was kind of scary.

1441
01:06:14,428 --> 01:06:18,264
But I'm gonna look at it
as a near-death experience,

1442
01:06:18,265 --> 01:06:20,308
and I'll explain why.

1443
01:06:20,309 --> 01:06:23,103
Now, generally
when I get to the top,

1444
01:06:23,104 --> 01:06:24,479
I do two stretches.

1445
01:06:24,480 --> 01:06:27,273
Like, I'll do like this one,
which I think is called

1446
01:06:27,274 --> 01:06:29,609
the old Asian lady squat.

1447
01:06:29,610 --> 01:06:30,777
I think it's
really called that.

1448
01:06:30,778 --> 01:06:33,279
I'm not making it racial
just because.

1449
01:06:33,280 --> 01:06:36,366
But--and I think if you go
to Chinatown and go to a park,

1450
01:06:36,367 --> 01:06:40,328
you will see at least four
or five 87 to 104-year-old

1451
01:06:40,329 --> 01:06:43,415
Asian women sitting like this.

1452
01:06:43,416 --> 01:06:44,791
And then you'll have a moment
where you're like,

1453
01:06:44,792 --> 01:06:46,877
"Holy shit, Marc is relevant."

1454
01:06:50,464 --> 01:06:52,173
Then from this stretch,
I usually go

1455
01:06:52,174 --> 01:06:56,720
straight up into, like,
a full-body stretch like that.

1456
01:06:56,721 --> 01:06:58,722
And for years in
the middle of that stretch,

1457
01:06:58,723 --> 01:07:00,390
I've said to myself,
"It's amazing

1458
01:07:00,391 --> 01:07:02,476
I haven't passed out."

1459
01:07:04,103 --> 01:07:05,729
But I'm a recovering
drug addict,

1460
01:07:05,730 --> 01:07:06,896
so you get it where you can.

1461
01:07:06,897 --> 01:07:11,109
You know, you find those little
edges in life to push it.

1462
01:07:11,110 --> 01:07:14,070
But I did pass out on
this one particular time.

1463
01:07:14,071 --> 01:07:16,614
And a little backstory.

1464
01:07:16,615 --> 01:07:18,992
Well, a lot of you know
already that several years ago,

1465
01:07:18,993 --> 01:07:22,620
my partner, Lynn, passed away
tragically and very quickly.

1466
01:07:22,621 --> 01:07:24,581
And the interesting thing,
or the sad thing,

1467
01:07:24,582 --> 01:07:27,667
but interesting mostly
about grief

1468
01:07:27,668 --> 01:07:30,628
is that when you're
in it at the beginning,

1469
01:07:30,629 --> 01:07:31,880
it's all consuming.

1470
01:07:31,881 --> 01:07:34,049
It takes over your mind,
your heart, your spirit,

1471
01:07:34,050 --> 01:07:36,593
and you can't stop it,

1472
01:07:36,594 --> 01:07:38,470
and you don't know
if it will ever go away,

1473
01:07:38,471 --> 01:07:40,847
and it's just horrendous.

1474
01:07:40,848 --> 01:07:42,724
And it doesn't go away,
but eventually

1475
01:07:42,725 --> 01:07:44,476
it kind of integrates,
and you live with it.

1476
01:07:44,477 --> 01:07:46,478
I think everybody
lives with grief.

1477
01:07:46,479 --> 01:07:47,687
And the interesting thing
about grief

1478
01:07:47,688 --> 01:07:50,440
is, like, it can be triggered
by, like, a smell

1479
01:07:50,441 --> 01:07:52,567
or a food or, like, a song,

1480
01:07:52,568 --> 01:07:55,361
even if it's not attached
to the person that you lost.

1481
01:07:55,362 --> 01:07:57,614
For some reason, some things
will just trigger the grief.

1482
01:07:57,615 --> 01:08:00,241
And usually when it happens
to me, I'll let it come up,

1483
01:08:00,242 --> 01:08:02,410
because, you know,
why not feel it?

1484
01:08:02,411 --> 01:08:03,828
It reconnects you
with that person,

1485
01:08:03,829 --> 01:08:06,915
and, you know,
it's part of who you are.

1486
01:08:06,916 --> 01:08:10,126
OK, so when I was driving
to this hike

1487
01:08:10,127 --> 01:08:12,253
the day I passed out,
I'm in my car,

1488
01:08:12,254 --> 01:08:13,630
and I'm wondering,
like, you know, like,

1489
01:08:13,631 --> 01:08:16,342
why is Taylor Swift so popular?

1490
01:08:18,594 --> 01:08:19,886
And then part of my brain
is like,

1491
01:08:19,887 --> 01:08:21,346
"Well, just--why don't you
just listen to some?"

1492
01:08:21,347 --> 01:08:22,430
I'm like,
"I'm not doing that."

1493
01:08:22,431 --> 01:08:26,142
You know?
But then I realized, like,

1494
01:08:26,143 --> 01:08:27,602
I'm a, you know,
open-minded guy.

1495
01:08:27,603 --> 01:08:31,314
So I downloaded "Midnights,"
which, yeah,

1496
01:08:31,315 --> 01:08:32,732
which was the album
at the time,

1497
01:08:32,733 --> 01:08:35,235
and so I'm hiking,
you know, I'm just hiking,

1498
01:08:35,236 --> 01:08:39,030
and I'm listening
to Taylor Swift.

1499
01:08:39,031 --> 01:08:40,657
And I'm thinking, like,
well, this is OK.

1500
01:08:40,658 --> 01:08:42,700
I mean, I get it,
it's good pop music.

1501
01:08:42,701 --> 01:08:44,619
I understand
why she's popular.

1502
01:08:44,620 --> 01:08:48,039
You know, it's not for me,
but I get it,

1503
01:08:48,040 --> 01:08:50,500
and I'll probably never listen
to this album again,

1504
01:08:50,501 --> 01:08:55,171
but I'm glad I know why
Taylor Swift is popular.

1505
01:08:55,172 --> 01:08:57,090
And then about halfway up
the mountain,

1506
01:08:57,091 --> 01:08:59,260
this song comes on.
All right, shh, shh, shh.

1507
01:09:01,262 --> 01:09:03,180
Shh.

1508
01:09:06,267 --> 01:09:09,060
<i>No words appear</i>

1509
01:09:09,061 --> 01:09:13,064
<i>Before me in the aftermath</i>

1510
01:09:13,065 --> 01:09:17,735
It's already sad.

1511
01:09:17,736 --> 01:09:20,655
<i>Salt streams out</i>

1512
01:09:20,656 --> 01:09:23,741
<i>My eyes and into my ears</i>

1513
01:09:23,742 --> 01:09:26,452
She's crying, you guys.

1514
01:09:26,453 --> 01:09:28,788
Hold on, hold on.
Listen to this line.

1515
01:09:28,789 --> 01:09:32,083
<i>Every single thing
I touch</i>

1516
01:09:32,084 --> 01:09:35,461
<i>Becomes sick with sadness</i>

1517
01:09:35,462 --> 01:09:39,716
What the fuck?

1518
01:09:39,717 --> 01:09:43,178
<i>- Because it's all over</i>
- It's all over.

1519
01:09:43,179 --> 01:09:46,014
<i>All out to sea</i>

1520
01:09:46,015 --> 01:09:48,224
It's all out to sea.

1521
01:09:48,225 --> 01:09:51,270
Shh, here--oh, here come
the three goodbyes.

1522
01:09:53,022 --> 01:09:55,190
<i>Goodbye,
goodbye, goodbye</i>

1523
01:09:55,191 --> 01:09:57,151
Oh, my God!

1524
01:10:02,323 --> 01:10:05,408
So now I'm crying.
I'm audibly crying.

1525
01:10:05,409 --> 01:10:08,453
I'm hiking up the hill,
and I'm sobbing out loud.

1526
01:10:08,454 --> 01:10:09,746
But I just put it on repeat

1527
01:10:09,747 --> 01:10:12,665
'cause I want
to feel the feels.

1528
01:10:12,666 --> 01:10:14,083
So I'm just hiking,
and I'm going...

1529
01:10:14,084 --> 01:10:16,169
"Oh, God, this is terrible."

1530
01:10:16,170 --> 01:10:18,421
And then I bend down.
I'm like, "Oh, no."

1531
01:10:18,422 --> 01:10:20,506
And then I go up
and I'm like, "Oh, fuck."

1532
01:10:20,507 --> 01:10:22,593
And I just--

1533
01:10:25,179 --> 01:10:27,055
I go down.

1534
01:10:27,056 --> 01:10:28,890
I just black out.

1535
01:10:28,891 --> 01:10:31,100
And I don't know if you've
ever blacked out before,

1536
01:10:31,101 --> 01:10:33,144
but when you do,
nothing is happening.

1537
01:10:33,145 --> 01:10:34,229
Nothing.

1538
01:10:34,230 --> 01:10:36,231
If you didn't wake up,
you wouldn't be the wiser.

1539
01:10:36,232 --> 01:10:38,983
It'd just be gone.
Nothing is happening.

1540
01:10:38,984 --> 01:10:40,026
But I woke up.

1541
01:10:40,027 --> 01:10:41,736
My head--my face was,
like, on the ground.

1542
01:10:41,737 --> 01:10:43,446
Had a little pebble
stuck to my face.

1543
01:10:43,447 --> 01:10:45,156
I was bleeding.
She's going...

1544
01:10:45,157 --> 01:10:47,033
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye

1545
01:10:47,034 --> 01:10:48,160
You know.

1546
01:10:53,666 --> 01:10:55,375
So, you know,
I realized what happened.

1547
01:10:55,376 --> 01:10:57,126
I get it together,
I brush myself off,

1548
01:10:57,127 --> 01:10:58,211
I drink some water.

1549
01:10:58,212 --> 01:11:01,130
I don't exactly know why
I passed out, but I feel OK.

1550
01:11:01,131 --> 01:11:03,383
And I had this
very deep realization,

1551
01:11:03,384 --> 01:11:04,467
this feeling.

1552
01:11:04,468 --> 01:11:06,386
I just thought in that moment,

1553
01:11:06,387 --> 01:11:10,348
like, I'm not afraid
to die anymore

1554
01:11:10,349 --> 01:11:12,016
because there's just nothing.
I'm just--

1555
01:11:12,017 --> 01:11:13,309
you know, I don't think--

1556
01:11:13,310 --> 01:11:16,938
I'm not afraid to die anymore
as long as it happens quickly

1557
01:11:16,939 --> 01:11:19,024
and I have time
to put that song on.

1558
01:11:22,569 --> 01:11:24,488
Thanks a lot.

1559
01:11:25,305 --> 01:12:25,245
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