1 00:00:05,255 --> 00:00:15,974 And now, this is the moment you've all been waiting for. 2 00:00:18,602 --> 00:00:26,860 It's time fighting out of New York City. 3 00:00:27,444 --> 00:00:39,206 He is the reigning, defending, undisputed heavyweight champion of the world. 4 00:00:39,456 --> 00:00:49,049 The one, the only, the infamous Andrew Schulz! 5 00:00:51,000 --> 00:00:57,074 6 00:01:30,465 --> 00:01:33,218 That's how you start a fucking show right there, bud. 7 00:01:36,430 --> 00:01:37,431 All right. 8 00:01:37,681 --> 00:01:39,725 Let's see what we're working with. What's up, y'all? 9 00:01:42,311 --> 00:01:43,604 Is that yours right there, bro? 10 00:01:44,605 --> 00:01:45,606 Latina? 11 00:01:45,898 --> 00:01:46,899 Okay. 12 00:01:47,858 --> 00:01:49,026 You gotta be careful with her. 13 00:01:49,067 --> 00:01:51,528 You on birth control? 14 00:01:51,570 --> 00:01:53,989 Maybe, maybe not. 15 00:01:54,031 --> 00:01:56,074 Now, you need certified yes from them, okay? 16 00:01:57,075 --> 00:01:59,328 Don't fuck with that pull-out method with Latinas. 17 00:02:00,454 --> 00:02:04,333 You come on a Latin girl's stomach, her belly button just opens up and takes that shit in, dawg. 18 00:02:04,833 --> 00:02:07,127 Like fucking hungry, hungry hippos in there, dawg. 19 00:02:08,670 --> 00:02:09,922 You gotta come on her back. 20 00:02:10,005 --> 00:02:11,131 That's why they call them wetbacks. 21 00:02:11,173 --> 00:02:13,133 Now, guys. Guys. 22 00:02:13,217 --> 00:02:14,968 Everybody. Everybody. 23 00:02:15,552 --> 00:02:17,429 We're just getting started, guys. 24 00:02:17,679 --> 00:02:19,723 We're just getting started, okay? 25 00:02:23,977 --> 00:02:24,978 What's up, white boys? 26 00:02:26,647 --> 00:02:28,023 How was storming the Capitol? 27 00:02:28,440 --> 00:02:29,441 Good? 28 00:02:31,276 --> 00:02:33,278 You know they were there early, too, huh? 29 00:02:34,071 --> 00:02:35,948 Day early, just tailgating and shit. 30 00:02:41,245 --> 00:02:42,538 I'm not gonna lie, y'all. 31 00:02:48,126 --> 00:02:49,586 I miss Trump, man. 32 00:02:53,006 --> 00:02:54,007 Not like that. 33 00:02:54,049 --> 00:02:55,050 Calm down, QAnon. 34 00:02:55,133 --> 00:02:56,134 Fucking... 35 00:02:56,426 --> 00:02:59,096 It's a comedy special, not a Cracker Barrel. Relax, lady. 36 00:02:59,263 --> 00:03:00,264 Fucking... 37 00:03:01,265 --> 00:03:03,183 I'm not talking about the politics, okay? 38 00:03:03,308 --> 00:03:04,309 But the entertainment? 39 00:03:04,643 --> 00:03:06,019 Was that you, Indian girl? 40 00:03:06,770 --> 00:03:07,771 Oh, shit. 41 00:03:07,813 --> 00:03:08,814 I was about to say. 42 00:03:09,314 --> 00:03:12,150 You putting a non in QAnon for sure, right there. 43 00:03:15,904 --> 00:03:17,281 Can we just be honest? 44 00:03:17,322 --> 00:03:18,574 It was entertaining as fuck? 45 00:03:19,867 --> 00:03:20,868 Right? 46 00:03:20,909 --> 00:03:23,203 Like, for four years, he had our group chats on fire. 47 00:03:23,370 --> 00:03:24,371 It was unbelievable. 48 00:03:25,205 --> 00:03:28,542 You don't miss those texts, like, in the middle of the night from your boy, like, yo, turn on the news. 49 00:03:28,584 --> 00:03:31,211 He's making fun of cripple people. You're like, there's no fucking way. 50 00:03:31,253 --> 00:03:32,254 There's no fucking way. 51 00:03:32,337 --> 00:03:33,839 He's the president of the United States of America. 52 00:03:33,881 --> 00:03:35,048 It's not me watching Breaking Bad. 53 00:03:35,090 --> 00:03:38,343 There's no way he's making fun of cripple people. 54 00:03:38,927 --> 00:03:41,096 You turn on the news. Dang! 55 00:03:43,473 --> 00:03:44,766 Full T-Rex, dog. 56 00:03:45,309 --> 00:03:46,310 You know what? 57 00:03:46,518 --> 00:03:48,103 Cocked his shit. Dropped it. 58 00:03:48,187 --> 00:03:50,272 Beating his chest like Matthew McConaughey, bro. 59 00:03:52,107 --> 00:03:53,442 It was every week. 60 00:03:54,359 --> 00:03:56,028 You remember that shit? Yo, turn on the news. 61 00:03:56,069 --> 00:03:57,446 He's shooting paper towels at Puerto Ricans. 62 00:03:57,487 --> 00:03:58,864 You're like, there's no fucking way. 63 00:03:58,906 --> 00:04:00,115 There's no fucking way. 64 00:04:00,490 --> 00:04:02,326 This is impossible. Okay? 65 00:04:02,367 --> 00:04:04,369 They just had a hurricane. They're sitting in four feet of water. 66 00:04:04,411 --> 00:04:09,458 There's no way he went down there and shot the paper towels at these poor Puerto Ricans. 67 00:04:09,500 --> 00:04:11,168 You turn on the news. Jab step. 68 00:04:11,376 --> 00:04:12,377 Fade away! 69 00:04:18,008 --> 00:04:19,635 I don't care what your politics is. 70 00:04:19,676 --> 00:04:21,261 But it was an unbelievable time. 71 00:04:21,386 --> 00:04:22,387 Can we agree on that? 72 00:04:23,472 --> 00:04:24,806 It was an unbelievable time. 73 00:04:26,183 --> 00:04:27,726 And now we got Biden. 74 00:04:28,477 --> 00:04:29,478 And... 75 00:04:31,688 --> 00:04:34,316 What a fucking snooze fest this guy is, dude. 76 00:04:35,275 --> 00:04:36,276 He's boring. 77 00:04:36,318 --> 00:04:38,320 I'm sure he's a nice guy, but he's fucking boring. 78 00:04:38,403 --> 00:04:40,113 Okay? Be honest. 79 00:04:40,280 --> 00:04:42,574 Is there anybody here who loves Joe Biden? 80 00:04:42,699 --> 00:04:43,825 We have any Taliban in here? 81 00:04:43,909 --> 00:04:44,910 Is there anybody? 82 00:04:47,579 --> 00:04:48,580 You're a Taliban? 83 00:04:49,706 --> 00:04:50,791 Go home, bro. 84 00:04:50,874 --> 00:04:51,875 You're free. 85 00:04:51,917 --> 00:04:53,293 You got your country back. 86 00:04:55,003 --> 00:04:56,255 You're not really Taliban. 87 00:04:56,338 --> 00:04:59,424 You're just Afghani. You're from Pakistan. 88 00:04:59,466 --> 00:05:01,677 That's not even the same shit, you racist motherfucker. 89 00:05:03,136 --> 00:05:07,349 Who is this black dude cosigning everything you're doing? 90 00:05:10,352 --> 00:05:12,104 What the fuck is going on up there? 91 00:05:13,480 --> 00:05:14,606 Wait a minute. Are you black? 92 00:05:14,648 --> 00:05:15,732 Or are you where he's from? 93 00:05:17,025 --> 00:05:18,068 You're from Somalia. 94 00:05:18,235 --> 00:05:19,236 Hey! 95 00:05:19,486 --> 00:05:21,572 Hey! 96 00:05:21,613 --> 00:05:23,824 I just changed up once you got over here. That's a fact. 97 00:05:25,450 --> 00:05:26,493 You got them braces. 98 00:05:26,660 --> 00:05:27,995 You are not the captain now! 99 00:05:28,120 --> 00:05:29,538 You fucking... 100 00:05:30,289 --> 00:05:33,876 That motherfucker was Captain Crunch. 101 00:05:34,042 --> 00:05:35,794 Did you see the teeth in that fucker's face? 102 00:05:43,802 --> 00:05:45,304 I'm just saying he's fucking boring. 103 00:05:45,429 --> 00:05:46,805 Like, be honest with me right now. 104 00:05:46,847 --> 00:05:50,100 Do any of you love Joe Biden? 105 00:05:51,018 --> 00:05:52,019 No. 106 00:05:52,728 --> 00:05:53,729 Why? 107 00:05:53,770 --> 00:05:54,938 Biden ain't got no merch. 108 00:05:55,480 --> 00:05:56,481 Like, why? 109 00:06:00,110 --> 00:06:01,653 That's how I judge presidents now. 110 00:06:01,820 --> 00:06:03,864 Bro, can you move merch or can you not? 111 00:06:05,240 --> 00:06:06,867 Because Trump had merch, bro. 112 00:06:06,950 --> 00:06:08,076 That MAGA hat was iconic. 113 00:06:09,536 --> 00:06:11,246 Bro, that was white people's teardrop tattoo. 114 00:06:11,288 --> 00:06:12,289 That's what that was. 115 00:06:14,082 --> 00:06:18,545 You saw a white dude with that hat, you were like, YAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA! 116 00:06:18,962 --> 00:06:20,380 HE DON'T GIVE A FUCK! 117 00:06:26,678 --> 00:06:29,681 That hat is the last thing you put on your body before you leave the house. 118 00:06:30,516 --> 00:06:32,226 It's so easy not to wear it. 119 00:06:32,935 --> 00:06:36,772 But some people look at that hat like, how difficult do I want my day to be? 120 00:06:38,857 --> 00:06:40,692 Fuck it, I choose violence today. 121 00:06:44,780 --> 00:06:47,115 I used to love seeing that hat in the wild, bro. 122 00:06:47,950 --> 00:06:50,035 Because I'm from New York, nobody ever has that hat. 123 00:06:50,077 --> 00:06:51,411 You never see a MAGA hat in New York. 124 00:06:51,453 --> 00:06:53,413 So when I'm on the road, I'm just waiting for it. 125 00:06:54,414 --> 00:06:57,876 Because the energy around the hat was amazing. Right? 126 00:06:57,918 --> 00:07:03,841 Because the people that wear the MAGA hat, I don't know if you noticed this, but they're always in the best mood, smiling ear to ear, just dancing. 127 00:07:03,882 --> 00:07:04,883 Just cheesed up. 128 00:07:06,468 --> 00:07:11,473 Because the hat does all the shit talk. Right? 129 00:07:11,682 --> 00:07:13,600 They just walk around like, hey Hector, how you doing? 130 00:07:13,642 --> 00:07:15,978 But the hat's like, we're building a fucking wall, Hector! 131 00:07:16,979 --> 00:07:18,897 We're building a fucking wall, bro! MAGA! 132 00:07:18,939 --> 00:07:20,315 Make amigos go away, Hector! 133 00:07:20,399 --> 00:07:21,400 You know what this is! 134 00:07:28,282 --> 00:07:32,077 I remember the first time I saw a MAGA hat confrontation. 135 00:07:34,413 --> 00:07:35,414 And these are the best. 136 00:07:37,040 --> 00:07:38,125 I'm talking about in real life. 137 00:07:38,167 --> 00:07:39,168 I'm not talking about on Twitter. 138 00:07:39,209 --> 00:07:41,670 I'm talking about real life MAGA hat confrontation. 139 00:07:42,671 --> 00:07:44,298 I was in Minneapolis, Minnesota. 140 00:07:45,174 --> 00:07:46,300 And I saw... 141 00:07:46,800 --> 00:07:47,801 Okay. 142 00:07:48,760 --> 00:07:50,137 I'm in Minneapolis, Minnesota. 143 00:07:50,179 --> 00:07:51,388 Actually, you know, I'm lying. 144 00:07:51,471 --> 00:07:52,848 I was actually in East St. Paul. 145 00:07:53,473 --> 00:07:55,475 But nobody knows what that is. 146 00:07:56,643 --> 00:07:57,728 So I said Minneapolis. 147 00:07:57,936 --> 00:07:59,646 But I had to be honest with you right now. 148 00:08:00,272 --> 00:08:02,149 Even though this is a fucking special taping. 149 00:08:02,191 --> 00:08:04,151 Now we gotta edit around the whole goddamn thing. 150 00:08:05,527 --> 00:08:06,653 Fucking leave it in! 151 00:08:07,237 --> 00:08:08,280 Leave it in! 152 00:08:08,322 --> 00:08:09,907 There's a piece of shit in the balcony. 153 00:08:10,574 --> 00:08:12,284 I had to say, yeah, Minnesota. 154 00:08:13,535 --> 00:08:15,495 And I can't lie to you people. 155 00:08:16,079 --> 00:08:17,080 Okay? 156 00:08:17,122 --> 00:08:19,249 I was in fucking New Brunswick, New Jersey. 157 00:08:22,711 --> 00:08:24,254 I'm in Minneapolis, Minnesota. 158 00:08:25,047 --> 00:08:26,048 Okay? 159 00:08:29,009 --> 00:08:31,470 And I'm at a Baskin-Robbins. Okay? 160 00:08:31,762 --> 00:08:33,722 And I saw a dude wearing a MAGA hat. 161 00:08:34,014 --> 00:08:37,809 And the fun thing about it was... He wasn't ordering ice cream. 162 00:08:37,976 --> 00:08:40,395 He was working at Baskin-Robbins. 163 00:08:41,980 --> 00:08:42,981 Okay? 164 00:08:43,398 --> 00:08:45,776 And he wasn't a GM. He wasn't Baskin. 165 00:08:45,817 --> 00:08:46,818 He wasn't Robbins. 166 00:08:48,237 --> 00:08:53,116 He's just a regular minimum wage employee serving up ice cream MAGA, bro. 167 00:08:54,117 --> 00:08:55,577 Just staring at people. 168 00:08:55,702 --> 00:08:57,037 Vanilla only today! 169 00:08:57,496 --> 00:08:58,497 Just... 170 00:09:00,541 --> 00:09:02,709 Ain't gonna be no rainbow, no chocolate. 171 00:09:02,793 --> 00:09:03,794 Nothing! 172 00:09:04,837 --> 00:09:08,090 Just pure Christian vanilla ice cream. 173 00:09:09,007 --> 00:09:12,845 The way God intended ice cream and countries to be made. 174 00:09:17,224 --> 00:09:18,350 So I'm staring at this dude. 175 00:09:18,392 --> 00:09:19,935 I'm like, yeah, this is going down. This is the guy. 176 00:09:19,977 --> 00:09:21,812 Something's gonna happen. Right? 177 00:09:22,521 --> 00:09:25,190 All of a sudden, this couple walks into the Baskin-Robbins. 178 00:09:25,274 --> 00:09:28,485 And the couple is wearing matching Vikings outfits. 179 00:09:28,610 --> 00:09:29,611 Head-to-toe Vikings. 180 00:09:29,695 --> 00:09:30,696 Okay? 181 00:09:31,321 --> 00:09:32,322 It's July. 182 00:09:34,157 --> 00:09:35,242 It's not even pre-season. 183 00:09:35,284 --> 00:09:36,285 These are bonafide lunatics. 184 00:09:36,326 --> 00:09:37,870 These people just walking around town. 185 00:09:38,829 --> 00:09:40,330 Full Vikings outfits. Right? 186 00:09:40,622 --> 00:09:41,748 The couple walks in. 187 00:09:41,790 --> 00:09:45,961 The girl in the Viking couple starts to get a little upset when she sees the MAGA hat. 188 00:09:46,044 --> 00:09:48,714 I don't know what she's saying, but I know it's white woman rage. 189 00:09:48,922 --> 00:09:49,923 I know what it is. 190 00:09:50,257 --> 00:09:51,675 I got a white fiancé. 191 00:09:51,717 --> 00:09:53,093 I know about this stuff. Okay? 192 00:09:53,635 --> 00:09:55,345 There's a problem that has nothing to do with me. 193 00:09:55,387 --> 00:09:56,430 I need to solve it. Right? 194 00:09:56,513 --> 00:09:57,514 It's just... 195 00:09:58,891 --> 00:10:00,100 You're offended. I'm bored. 196 00:10:00,142 --> 00:10:01,310 Let's do something about it. 197 00:10:02,769 --> 00:10:05,105 I need to stand up for my black friends I don't have. 198 00:10:05,272 --> 00:10:06,273 No. 199 00:10:10,986 --> 00:10:11,987 So... 200 00:10:12,988 --> 00:10:19,703 All of a sudden, the girl Viking breaks away from her boyfriend, beelines it for the MAGA hat. 201 00:10:19,828 --> 00:10:26,001 Dude walks right up to him and goes, How the fuck could you wear that hat? 202 00:10:27,294 --> 00:10:29,254 Immediately, I'm like, he's shooting this bitch. 203 00:10:29,338 --> 00:10:31,131 This bitch is dead. 204 00:10:31,298 --> 00:10:33,091 She don't even know it. That's Second Amendment. 205 00:10:33,133 --> 00:10:34,134 She is fucking dead. 206 00:10:34,259 --> 00:10:35,636 I got my phone out landscape. 207 00:10:35,886 --> 00:10:37,304 I'm ready. 208 00:10:37,387 --> 00:10:39,640 You think I'm missing this? 209 00:10:40,015 --> 00:10:42,768 I zoomed out .5. 210 00:10:43,644 --> 00:10:47,981 Some of y'all got Android phones, YouTube port even understand what that is. Okay? 211 00:10:48,065 --> 00:10:49,483 Get a real phone like an adult. 212 00:10:49,650 --> 00:10:50,651 All right? 213 00:10:50,734 --> 00:10:52,819 Stop fucking up the group chat with your green text. 214 00:10:53,028 --> 00:10:54,029 We don't appreciate. 215 00:10:54,655 --> 00:10:57,032 WhatsApp, we don't care about your little third world group chats. 216 00:10:57,074 --> 00:10:58,075 Okay? 217 00:10:59,326 --> 00:11:00,536 What you discussin' over there? 218 00:11:00,577 --> 00:11:01,995 They build a well in your hometown? 219 00:11:07,876 --> 00:11:09,211 I'm fucking ready to go. 220 00:11:09,294 --> 00:11:15,175 I'm so wide, I'm gonna get the bullet leaving the gun and entering her forehead. 221 00:11:15,384 --> 00:11:16,927 I'm posting it. I'm viral. 222 00:11:17,135 --> 00:11:18,929 It's over. It's a wrap. 223 00:11:20,264 --> 00:11:22,349 This chick keeps on laying in on this dude. 224 00:11:22,474 --> 00:11:23,892 She's fucking screaming at him. 225 00:11:23,976 --> 00:11:25,143 You know what those hats stand for? 226 00:11:25,185 --> 00:11:27,062 For the disrespect of women. 227 00:11:28,313 --> 00:11:29,815 You know what those hats stand for? 228 00:11:29,857 --> 00:11:31,525 For the mistreatment of women. 229 00:11:31,567 --> 00:11:34,486 You know what those hats stand for? 230 00:11:34,528 --> 00:11:36,071 For the abuse of women. 231 00:11:38,240 --> 00:11:40,284 And I'm just looking at this chick like... 232 00:11:41,034 --> 00:11:43,036 You're wearing a Viking outfit. 233 00:11:49,835 --> 00:11:52,129 I don't know if you're familiar with Viking history. 234 00:11:53,422 --> 00:11:56,049 But they were the first grab-em-by-the-pussy people. 235 00:11:58,385 --> 00:12:02,431 Literally all they did for thousands of years was just sail around the world grabbing pussies. 236 00:12:02,556 --> 00:12:05,642 And we're so crazy, we named a football team after them. 237 00:12:06,643 --> 00:12:09,354 We would never have a team called the Colorado Cosbys. 238 00:12:09,479 --> 00:12:10,480 You know, that's... 239 00:12:15,611 --> 00:12:18,030 I'm not gonna lie, that'd be a fun game to announce, though. 240 00:12:19,323 --> 00:12:22,242 Looks like another come-from-behind victory for the Cosbys this weekend. 241 00:12:24,494 --> 00:12:26,121 It's like every time they catch him sleeping. 242 00:12:26,163 --> 00:12:27,164 Jim, do you notice this? 243 00:12:27,539 --> 00:12:28,999 Just keep catching him sleeping. 244 00:12:31,043 --> 00:12:33,462 It's good to see him spike in end zones, not cocktails, though. 245 00:12:33,504 --> 00:12:35,422 I will say that's an improvement for the Cosbys. 246 00:12:40,135 --> 00:12:43,847 So I'm looking at this chick like... I'm looking at this Viking twat, and I'm just like... 247 00:12:44,097 --> 00:12:46,517 I should be hating her, okay? 248 00:12:46,725 --> 00:12:48,977 But I'm actually so jealous. 249 00:12:49,561 --> 00:12:56,485 Because I'm like, I wish I could walk around that oblivious toward a complete hypocrite I am. 250 00:12:57,110 --> 00:12:58,904 I know I'm a hypocrite. 251 00:12:59,154 --> 00:13:01,406 I gotta deal with that shit every day. 252 00:13:02,533 --> 00:13:03,534 That's taxing. 253 00:13:03,951 --> 00:13:07,204 Michael Jackson comes on, and I gotta settle that debt. 254 00:13:08,705 --> 00:13:12,459 I love the music, but he touches toddlers, right? 255 00:13:13,752 --> 00:13:15,420 Like, we know he does it. 256 00:13:17,923 --> 00:13:19,508 Wait a minute, do some of y'all think... 257 00:13:21,301 --> 00:13:24,096 How many of y'all think Michael Jackson did not touch those kids? 258 00:13:25,806 --> 00:13:27,516 Be honest. I'd rather you be honest. 259 00:13:27,599 --> 00:13:29,393 We got another one? Okay, okay. 260 00:13:29,685 --> 00:13:33,105 I wish... I wish I could be you. 261 00:13:34,606 --> 00:13:37,150 Every time Mike comes on, you get to listen to King of Pop. 262 00:13:37,192 --> 00:13:38,986 While I'm listening to King of Pop and Cherries. 263 00:13:39,027 --> 00:13:40,445 You know how fucking lucky you are? 264 00:13:40,487 --> 00:13:41,947 You know how lucky you are? 265 00:13:42,155 --> 00:13:43,156 You get to do that? 266 00:13:44,867 --> 00:13:47,035 I have to be honest with my feelings, okay? 267 00:13:47,244 --> 00:13:48,245 Here's the reality, okay? 268 00:13:48,453 --> 00:13:51,582 I feel like Michael Jackson touched those kids. 269 00:13:52,583 --> 00:13:57,045 But I also feel like he didn't touch enough kids for me to stop listening to his music. 270 00:13:57,129 --> 00:13:59,173 I do feel that way. 271 00:13:59,339 --> 00:14:01,717 I'm not proud of that, but that is the way I feel, okay? 272 00:14:02,092 --> 00:14:05,429 You could probably feed him 10, 12 more, and I'm gonna keep listening to that shit. 273 00:14:05,470 --> 00:14:06,847 Every single time it comes on. 274 00:14:07,181 --> 00:14:08,182 Do you remember? 275 00:14:08,307 --> 00:14:09,308 No, I don't. 276 00:14:09,766 --> 00:14:10,767 Not at all. 277 00:14:10,851 --> 00:14:11,852 Keep on going, Mike. 278 00:14:11,894 --> 00:14:13,187 Do your fucking thing, okay? 279 00:14:16,356 --> 00:14:18,650 I know I'm wrong to have these feelings, by the way. 280 00:14:19,484 --> 00:14:21,528 I've tried to change these feelings, okay? 281 00:14:21,612 --> 00:14:23,822 I watched that documentary about them snitching ass kids. 282 00:14:23,864 --> 00:14:25,532 I watched it. I did watch it. 283 00:14:26,033 --> 00:14:27,034 I watched it, okay? 284 00:14:27,117 --> 00:14:28,493 I'm starting with the man in the mirror, alright? 285 00:14:28,535 --> 00:14:29,745 I'm trying to change his ways. 286 00:14:31,079 --> 00:14:32,080 I watched him. 287 00:14:32,122 --> 00:14:34,166 I watched him fucking crying the whole documentary. 288 00:14:36,210 --> 00:14:38,504 I was molested by my hero. 289 00:14:40,339 --> 00:14:42,424 You lucky son of a bitch. 290 00:14:44,718 --> 00:14:45,719 Your hero? 291 00:14:45,761 --> 00:14:47,930 That's a best-case scenario molest, is it not? 292 00:14:49,348 --> 00:14:52,100 Most people getting diddled by their bus driver, not their hero. 293 00:14:53,268 --> 00:14:54,269 Your hero. 294 00:14:54,686 --> 00:14:56,688 My hero growing up was Michael Jordan. 295 00:15:06,782 --> 00:15:09,159 If Michael Jordan molested me... 296 00:15:10,244 --> 00:15:11,703 I could walk it off. 297 00:15:14,998 --> 00:15:17,709 Probably in the freshest Jordans you ever seen in your life. 298 00:15:19,920 --> 00:15:21,588 Hey, bro, where you get them shits, man? 299 00:15:21,630 --> 00:15:22,631 You too old for these, dawg. 300 00:15:22,673 --> 00:15:23,715 Don't even worry about it. 301 00:15:24,842 --> 00:15:26,927 They only got decent youth sizes, homie. 302 00:15:34,059 --> 00:15:40,065 But I said to myself, I'm watching this documentary up until I find out what Mike did to those kids. 303 00:15:40,148 --> 00:15:42,526 Because once I find out what he did to the kids, that's it. 304 00:15:42,943 --> 00:15:44,278 I can't like him anymore. 305 00:15:44,403 --> 00:15:45,487 I can't even listen to music anymore. 306 00:15:45,529 --> 00:15:48,407 Once I find out what he did to the kids, and then I will move on. 307 00:15:48,448 --> 00:15:49,449 I'm done with Mike. 308 00:15:50,284 --> 00:15:54,830 I got to the point, and basically they said that Michael Jackson licked their asshole. 309 00:16:06,675 --> 00:16:09,094 And what I found out about me is... 310 00:16:16,518 --> 00:16:17,519 that's not enough. 311 00:16:21,231 --> 00:16:22,524 A licked asshole? 312 00:16:23,483 --> 00:16:24,484 That's cleaning. 313 00:16:24,526 --> 00:16:25,736 Can we be honest here? 314 00:16:25,986 --> 00:16:27,070 That right there? 315 00:16:27,487 --> 00:16:30,407 You got your ass cleaned by Michael Jackson. 316 00:16:30,657 --> 00:16:33,452 That's a Billie Jean bidet, you ungrateful bastard. 317 00:16:34,411 --> 00:16:38,457 You got your asshole licked by the greatest asshole licker in history. 318 00:16:39,625 --> 00:16:45,923 Michael Jackson literally shaved down his nose, so he could get deeper in those boys' asses. 319 00:16:47,925 --> 00:16:50,427 Do you remember MJ by the time he died? 320 00:16:50,469 --> 00:16:52,095 He looked like Voldemort, okay? 321 00:16:52,763 --> 00:16:55,974 Just flat face with three holes in it like a bowling ball. 322 00:16:56,058 --> 00:16:57,518 Just head banging boy booties. 323 00:17:01,813 --> 00:17:04,024 I'm just saying, we have to put things in perspective. 324 00:17:05,192 --> 00:17:06,985 A licked asshole from your hero. 325 00:17:18,080 --> 00:17:19,540 If Michael Jordan... 326 00:17:28,340 --> 00:17:30,592 If Michael Jeffrey Jordan... 327 00:17:31,969 --> 00:17:34,513 took that glorious tongue of his... 328 00:17:35,389 --> 00:17:36,431 You know the tongue. 329 00:17:43,438 --> 00:17:47,943 If he took that tongue and attacked my rim the way he attacked rims in the league... 330 00:17:50,279 --> 00:17:53,490 If he grabbed my hips and shattered my backboard... 331 00:17:55,158 --> 00:17:56,285 Are you kidding me? 332 00:17:56,326 --> 00:17:57,411 I'd be honored. 333 00:17:58,412 --> 00:17:59,997 That's not even gay, he's the GOAT. 334 00:18:00,038 --> 00:18:02,249 That's bestiality. I'm still proud of it. 335 00:18:03,584 --> 00:18:06,628 That would be the crowning achievement of my childhood. 336 00:18:07,921 --> 00:18:10,257 Michael Jordan licked my asshole. 337 00:18:11,675 --> 00:18:14,219 Played that night and dropped 39 points. 338 00:18:16,305 --> 00:18:18,140 I'm the reason he had the flu. 339 00:18:25,898 --> 00:18:27,774 Oh, you had some bad pizza, Mike? 340 00:18:27,816 --> 00:18:29,026 Yeah, pizza this ass. 341 00:18:29,318 --> 00:18:31,320 Why don't you be honest with the people, okay? 342 00:18:32,029 --> 00:18:33,363 We filmed it and everything. 343 00:18:33,488 --> 00:18:34,573 We're calling it Face Jam. 344 00:18:34,740 --> 00:18:37,534 Tell the truth about what happened that night. 345 00:18:43,540 --> 00:18:44,791 How you guys doing? 346 00:18:45,876 --> 00:18:46,877 Good. 347 00:18:46,919 --> 00:18:47,920 What's up, Bill? 348 00:18:47,961 --> 00:18:49,755 - Hi. - Hi. 349 00:18:51,590 --> 00:18:53,175 Just saying hi, you know? 350 00:18:53,717 --> 00:18:55,010 How long you guys been together? 351 00:18:55,761 --> 00:18:57,429 - Almost three years. - Almost three years? 352 00:18:57,596 --> 00:18:58,597 Good shit. 353 00:18:58,764 --> 00:18:59,765 He said almost. 354 00:19:02,643 --> 00:19:04,311 What were you doing in the beginning, yo? 355 00:19:05,771 --> 00:19:07,439 You throwing that coochie around Austin? 356 00:19:07,523 --> 00:19:08,524 What's going on here? 357 00:19:10,400 --> 00:19:11,818 Oh, you're engaged and everything. 358 00:19:12,528 --> 00:19:13,529 Oh, congratulations. 359 00:19:14,279 --> 00:19:16,990 You get married, you guys move in together, you learn a lot of shit. 360 00:19:17,032 --> 00:19:19,576 I learned a lot of shit about my girl when we moved in together. 361 00:19:19,743 --> 00:19:21,620 I learned she's a fucking psychopath. 362 00:19:23,205 --> 00:19:25,541 Just based on her Netflix queue, that's it. 363 00:19:25,874 --> 00:19:30,546 I turn on her Netflix, it's just every type of serial killer documentary you could imagine. 364 00:19:30,963 --> 00:19:35,801 There's a guy who kills nuns, guy who kills hookers, guy who kills kids, cooking show. 365 00:19:35,968 --> 00:19:41,765 Who watches six hours of serial killers and then British Bake Off to wash it down? 366 00:19:43,600 --> 00:19:46,895 How many of you ladies in here enjoy serial killer shows? 367 00:19:49,398 --> 00:19:51,900 This is why you don't like sports, I just want to let you know. 368 00:19:53,318 --> 00:19:55,028 Sports aren't violent enough for you. 369 00:19:56,488 --> 00:20:01,326 You'll be watching football, you see someone unconscious on the ground and you're like, okay, but why is no one raping him? 370 00:20:01,368 --> 00:20:03,287 What's going on? What's going on here? 371 00:20:03,453 --> 00:20:06,832 I mean, you already have a mask and gloves on, no one's gonna know it's you. 372 00:20:06,915 --> 00:20:08,375 Put a dick in that fucking man. 373 00:20:08,834 --> 00:20:10,377 Make this entertaining, please. 374 00:20:14,381 --> 00:20:15,382 It's unbelievable. 375 00:20:15,924 --> 00:20:17,926 And you know the craziest thing about it? 376 00:20:17,968 --> 00:20:24,558 You ladies will watch serial killers and fucking rapists all the time and it won't change your behavior at all. 377 00:20:25,559 --> 00:20:26,560 This is some real shit. 378 00:20:26,602 --> 00:20:30,856 She watches a documentary about this dude who would rape women who were jogging in a park at night, right? 379 00:20:32,107 --> 00:20:33,442 Horrifying, tragic, right? 380 00:20:34,735 --> 00:20:39,907 After watching the documentary, she went for a jog in a fucking park. 381 00:20:43,076 --> 00:20:44,786 Bro, women are way braver than men. 382 00:20:44,870 --> 00:20:46,538 It's not even close to... 383 00:20:46,580 --> 00:20:53,420 ...If a single man in history was jogging in the park and got raped? 384 00:20:55,339 --> 00:20:58,050 We're not even jogging on treadmills no more after that. 385 00:20:59,259 --> 00:21:00,761 Cardio's out the fucking equation. 386 00:21:01,720 --> 00:21:06,266 You pull up to the gym, you see your boy in the elliptical, you're like, Fam, get the fuck off that shit! 387 00:21:06,475 --> 00:21:08,268 They raping dudes these days! 388 00:21:09,269 --> 00:21:11,271 Find a bench where your asshole's protected! 389 00:21:12,940 --> 00:21:16,860 Definitely don't go on that rowing machine, you're just teasing them on that rowing machine. 390 00:21:21,240 --> 00:21:22,991 And that's a fucked up headline, too. 391 00:21:23,075 --> 00:21:24,117 Nobody ever talks about that. 392 00:21:24,159 --> 00:21:25,327 But jogger rape? 393 00:21:26,203 --> 00:21:27,871 That's a fucked up headline, yo. 394 00:21:28,247 --> 00:21:29,915 Don't ever let that be a headline with me. 395 00:21:29,957 --> 00:21:31,750 Schultz was raped jogging in a park at night. 396 00:21:32,751 --> 00:21:34,670 Schultz was raped jogging in a park at night. 397 00:21:35,587 --> 00:21:36,839 Motherfucker, rest assured... 398 00:21:38,257 --> 00:21:40,217 I was running as fast as I could. 399 00:21:44,930 --> 00:21:45,931 Who's jogging, yo? 400 00:21:47,099 --> 00:21:48,433 You don't think I'm hitting the high knees? 401 00:21:48,475 --> 00:21:49,726 I got a rapist behind me, bro! 402 00:21:50,435 --> 00:21:53,689 There's a butt-naked man with running shoes chasing me in a motherfucking park! 403 00:21:54,147 --> 00:21:57,109 I can hear his feet hitting the ground, dick slapping against his stomach! 404 00:22:00,320 --> 00:22:02,406 You don't think I'm tapping turbo a couple times? 405 00:22:03,949 --> 00:22:06,702 Schultz was running as fast as humanly possible... 406 00:22:07,286 --> 00:22:09,329 when an Olympic rapist... 407 00:22:10,539 --> 00:22:12,666 a gold medalist from the Rape Olympics... 408 00:22:12,708 --> 00:22:15,377 ...he's probably Jamaican, they the fastest anyway... 409 00:22:15,419 --> 00:22:22,467 ...a Jamaican gold medalist from the Rape Olympics hawked him down and took that ass against his will even though he fought valiantly! 410 00:22:23,468 --> 00:22:24,469 That's your headline. 411 00:22:24,511 --> 00:22:25,971 You print the whole shit or nothing at all. 412 00:22:26,013 --> 00:22:27,681 My fucking family reads the newspaper. 413 00:22:29,016 --> 00:22:31,602 How am I supposed to go to Thanksgiving and my whole family look at me like... 414 00:22:31,643 --> 00:22:34,188 ...yo, don't pass him the stuff and he already had enough stuff. 415 00:22:35,439 --> 00:22:38,400 I gotta bring the Jamaican rapist to dinner to clear my name, yo. 416 00:22:39,193 --> 00:22:41,570 Donovan, tell them what really happened in the park, yo. They don't believe me. 417 00:22:41,612 --> 00:22:43,322 Tell them what really fucking happened in the park. 418 00:22:43,363 --> 00:22:44,364 Please, tell them! 419 00:22:46,450 --> 00:22:49,745 My mom was running as fast as humanly possible. 420 00:22:51,330 --> 00:22:54,082 Some might even say it was cooler running in that park. 421 00:22:55,125 --> 00:22:56,960 But I made them feel the rhythm. 422 00:22:58,295 --> 00:22:59,421 Feel the ride. 423 00:23:00,339 --> 00:23:02,716 I got you white boy, it's buttfuck time. 424 00:23:08,639 --> 00:23:09,848 Y'all are cool, man. 425 00:23:13,310 --> 00:23:14,436 Y'all are cool. 426 00:23:19,107 --> 00:23:20,734 It is a weird thing though, man. 427 00:23:20,817 --> 00:23:22,319 Ladies, why are you so obsessed with the series? 428 00:23:22,361 --> 00:23:23,362 Serial killer shit. 429 00:23:24,947 --> 00:23:26,114 Oh, cause the guy's hot. 430 00:23:26,740 --> 00:23:27,741 Ted Bundy. 431 00:23:29,660 --> 00:23:30,994 This is good that you said that. 432 00:23:32,663 --> 00:23:37,918 I'm really glad you brought up Ted Bundy cause I asked my girl to play a serial killer thing and we watched two together. 433 00:23:37,960 --> 00:23:42,256 The first one we watched I turned off cause it was the female serial killer, Eileen Wuornos, you know her? 434 00:23:42,506 --> 00:23:45,259 Killed three people, which is like some affirmative action bullshit. 435 00:23:47,135 --> 00:23:48,637 Three people, you're not a serial killer. 436 00:23:48,679 --> 00:23:49,680 That's a DUI, sweetheart. 437 00:23:49,847 --> 00:23:51,181 Give it a rest. Okay? 438 00:23:51,515 --> 00:23:52,850 That's a recall on broccoli. 439 00:23:52,975 --> 00:23:53,976 Three people. 440 00:23:54,601 --> 00:23:56,854 Mother Teresa killed more than three people. Okay? 441 00:23:57,104 --> 00:23:58,105 Sit down. 442 00:24:00,858 --> 00:24:02,526 Next one she put on was Ted Bundy. 443 00:24:04,236 --> 00:24:05,237 And... 444 00:24:05,529 --> 00:24:09,491 He's the GOAT. 445 00:24:09,533 --> 00:24:11,910 He's the greatest serial killer of all time. It's undeniable. 446 00:24:11,952 --> 00:24:12,953 And I'll tell you why. 447 00:24:13,036 --> 00:24:14,371 It's not cause he killed 50 women. 448 00:24:14,413 --> 00:24:15,747 That's easy. Anybody could do that. 449 00:24:15,789 --> 00:24:16,790 That's... 450 00:24:17,916 --> 00:24:20,085 I could kill 50 women with a pair of Lululemon pants. 451 00:24:20,335 --> 00:24:21,336 That's light work. 452 00:24:22,421 --> 00:24:24,339 Hey, they're giving out free Lulu's in the alley. 453 00:24:24,381 --> 00:24:25,924 Yeah, yeah. Let's fuck it. 454 00:24:27,968 --> 00:24:30,470 I play Whack-a-Megan for 30 minutes. I got 50 bodies. 455 00:24:30,554 --> 00:24:32,097 That's light. 456 00:24:32,181 --> 00:24:33,974 Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on. 457 00:24:35,267 --> 00:24:39,980 The reason he's so prolific is cause he killed 50 women driving a tan Volkswagen Beetle. 458 00:24:41,481 --> 00:24:42,482 I'm gonna say that again. 459 00:24:43,400 --> 00:24:44,401 Cause that is impressive. 460 00:24:45,152 --> 00:24:49,990 He killed 50 women driving a tan Volkswagen Beetle. Okay? 461 00:24:50,282 --> 00:24:51,700 Some of y'all drive Teslas. 462 00:24:51,742 --> 00:24:53,118 Can't get no pussy, dorks. 463 00:24:55,245 --> 00:24:56,705 The doors open by themselves. 464 00:24:56,914 --> 00:24:58,415 Never a woman's legs, huh, you losers? 465 00:25:00,542 --> 00:25:01,668 My car is electric. 466 00:25:01,877 --> 00:25:03,295 So is your fleshlight, virgin. 467 00:25:03,420 --> 00:25:04,630 Shut the fuck up about it. 468 00:25:08,592 --> 00:25:09,801 I'm watching this documentary. 469 00:25:09,843 --> 00:25:12,638 I'm like, yo, thank God this motherfucker didn't drive a Porsche, bro. 470 00:25:13,639 --> 00:25:16,767 We might not have any women left in America if he was driving a Porsche. 471 00:25:16,808 --> 00:25:18,685 A Porsche? Are you kidding me? 472 00:25:18,727 --> 00:25:24,858 Only reason I finished the documentary is cause I need to know the pickup line he was using to get these women into a tan Volkswagen Beetle. 473 00:25:25,192 --> 00:25:26,235 That's a valuable line. 474 00:25:26,318 --> 00:25:29,404 I might have a son one day and I'm gonna give him that shit instead of a car. 475 00:25:31,949 --> 00:25:34,409 I get to the point in the documentary where they share the line. 476 00:25:34,451 --> 00:25:39,665 I will tell you guys the line tonight if you want me to tell y'all. Okay. 477 00:25:39,748 --> 00:25:40,749 On one condition. 478 00:25:41,166 --> 00:25:44,461 Ladies, please control your pussies when I say this shit. Please. 479 00:25:44,837 --> 00:25:46,588 I know how powerful this line is. 480 00:25:46,713 --> 00:25:47,714 Do a Kegel. 481 00:25:47,756 --> 00:25:49,424 Just lock your shit up. Okay? 482 00:25:49,883 --> 00:25:52,719 Cause I don't want y'all soaking up and sliding off your fucking seats. 483 00:25:55,347 --> 00:25:56,473 Okay, this is a problem. 484 00:25:56,598 --> 00:25:57,599 Alright? 485 00:25:59,184 --> 00:26:01,103 He would walk out of the worst car ever made. 486 00:26:03,272 --> 00:26:05,566 Walk up to a woman he's never met in his life. 487 00:26:06,108 --> 00:26:07,526 And he'd go, excuse me, miss. 488 00:26:08,318 --> 00:26:09,361 My car broke down. 489 00:26:10,863 --> 00:26:12,531 Do you think you could help me fix it? 490 00:26:21,707 --> 00:26:24,668 What I said to my girl was, this is disgusting. 491 00:26:25,335 --> 00:26:28,672 The way he's taking advantage of their kindness and goodwill. 492 00:26:30,007 --> 00:26:35,345 What I felt burning inside of me was, these chicks deserve to die. 493 00:26:35,554 --> 00:26:36,555 Okay? 494 00:26:37,139 --> 00:26:38,473 They had it coming. 495 00:26:38,515 --> 00:26:39,808 Can you fix my car? 496 00:26:40,934 --> 00:26:42,769 Ladies, you can't fix a car. 497 00:26:44,104 --> 00:26:45,647 You can't park a car. 498 00:26:45,689 --> 00:26:47,232 How the fuck are you gonna fix the car? 499 00:26:48,025 --> 00:26:49,109 It's 1970. 500 00:26:49,359 --> 00:26:50,944 I don't even think you were working yet. 501 00:26:50,986 --> 00:26:52,321 You definitely weren't mechanics. 502 00:26:57,367 --> 00:27:00,245 Craziest part of that whole documentary they barely even touched on. 503 00:27:00,370 --> 00:27:09,588 And that is, of all the women that Bundy fucked and killed, there was actually one woman that he fucked, didn't kill, kept fucking. 504 00:27:11,048 --> 00:27:13,675 And this chick gotta be walking around now like, damn. 505 00:27:16,178 --> 00:27:18,138 This pussy amazing, y'all. 506 00:27:18,180 --> 00:27:19,181 This shit, wow. 507 00:27:19,598 --> 00:27:21,099 Aha. 508 00:27:22,434 --> 00:27:24,436 He killed you bitches? That's crazy. 509 00:27:24,520 --> 00:27:27,189 That's so different. That's so different. 510 00:27:27,272 --> 00:27:29,274 - He made me breakfast. - He made you dead, bitch? 511 00:27:30,734 --> 00:27:32,444 You better check your pH, sweetheart. 512 00:27:32,569 --> 00:27:33,695 Your shit was woofing. 513 00:27:34,905 --> 00:27:36,406 You had that woof, baby. 514 00:27:36,532 --> 00:27:38,534 - I got that whop. - Get it together. 515 00:27:45,415 --> 00:27:46,959 Ugh. That's all. Nothing else. 516 00:27:47,084 --> 00:27:50,170 I just wanna make someone feel good for a second. 517 00:27:50,254 --> 00:27:51,380 Can I just make him feel good? 518 00:27:51,421 --> 00:27:52,506 Who's that guy next to you? 519 00:27:53,382 --> 00:27:54,925 Don't know him? Okay. 520 00:27:55,133 --> 00:27:56,593 Which GameStop do you manage? 521 00:28:04,226 --> 00:28:05,227 That's fucked up. 522 00:28:05,269 --> 00:28:07,646 Shit just pops in our head, and we can't say it. 523 00:28:08,438 --> 00:28:12,776 You ever have a thought so fucked up, you're like, damn, bro, I didn't even know I was capable of that shit. 524 00:28:14,069 --> 00:28:20,993 Bro, the other day, my girl, uh, my girl said we need to get an ottoman, which is like the most fucking fiance thing to do. 525 00:28:21,034 --> 00:28:22,703 We need, we need to get an ottoman. 526 00:28:23,370 --> 00:28:26,331 God forbid we sit on a couch with our feet on the ground like peasants. 527 00:28:26,415 --> 00:28:27,958 God forbid. Right? 528 00:28:28,000 --> 00:28:29,001 We need an ottoman. 529 00:28:29,042 --> 00:28:31,962 So when I wake up to piss in the night, I have someone to slam my shins into. 530 00:28:32,004 --> 00:28:33,005 We need the ottoman. 531 00:28:34,715 --> 00:28:36,300 So we're at Cranberry, right? 532 00:28:36,550 --> 00:28:37,759 I'm just wandering around. 533 00:28:37,885 --> 00:28:39,136 I look over my left shoulder. 534 00:28:39,261 --> 00:28:41,555 I see this Middle Eastern dude standing on this carpet. 535 00:28:41,972 --> 00:28:42,973 Now... 536 00:28:47,978 --> 00:28:49,605 I don't say anything, okay? 537 00:28:50,147 --> 00:28:51,940 I'm not gonna say a single fucking thing. 538 00:28:52,024 --> 00:28:54,610 I just looked over and went, that's the best I could do. 539 00:28:55,027 --> 00:28:56,612 That's knee-jerk. That's a reflex. 540 00:28:56,945 --> 00:28:58,572 I see a Middle Eastern dude on a carpet? 541 00:28:58,697 --> 00:29:00,073 I'm gonna chuckle, dude. I'm sorry. 542 00:29:00,324 --> 00:29:03,368 I gave it a huh-huh and I shut it down real quick. Okay? 543 00:29:03,952 --> 00:29:06,580 Because that guy is there just so he could furnish his apartment. 544 00:29:06,622 --> 00:29:10,584 It doesn't matter that I think he's about to take off on that fucking thing. Okay? 545 00:29:10,876 --> 00:29:12,294 I was 100% certain. 546 00:29:12,419 --> 00:29:16,423 At one point in time, he bends over to check the price and curls the front of the carpet. 547 00:29:16,757 --> 00:29:19,134 I was like, oh, he is outta here! 548 00:29:21,094 --> 00:29:22,971 What the hell's the security guard gonna do? 549 00:29:23,055 --> 00:29:24,223 He don't got a chance, bro. 550 00:29:24,765 --> 00:29:26,016 He went under the hood. 551 00:29:26,058 --> 00:29:28,769 It's about to be Fast and the Furious, Arabian Nights in this bitch. 552 00:29:29,478 --> 00:29:30,479 He is gone! 553 00:29:31,939 --> 00:29:33,023 But I didn't say anything. 554 00:29:33,106 --> 00:29:34,441 I kept it in here. Okay? 555 00:29:34,566 --> 00:29:37,027 Because it's not life or death. Okay? 556 00:29:37,069 --> 00:29:39,738 If it's not a life or death situation, you keep that shit in here. 557 00:29:40,447 --> 00:29:51,875 Now, don't get me wrong, if we're on the edge of a cliff and it's me, a carpet, and a Middle Eastern dude, and a pack of hyenas is closing in on us, there might be some words exchanged. 558 00:29:51,917 --> 00:29:52,918 Okay? 559 00:29:52,960 --> 00:29:54,378 I'm not gonna be too direct about it. 560 00:29:54,419 --> 00:29:58,257 I'll probably be like, what do you think we should do to get out of this predicament? 561 00:29:58,340 --> 00:30:00,342 Middle Eastern guy? Next to the carpet? 562 00:30:01,051 --> 00:30:02,678 He's looking at me like, the fuck you want me to do? 563 00:30:02,719 --> 00:30:04,972 There's a whole pack of hyenas. I'm like, motherfucker, there's a whole new world. 564 00:30:05,013 --> 00:30:07,975 If we just get on this goddamn carpet and go to safety. 565 00:30:08,183 --> 00:30:09,643 Show me the world. Okay? 566 00:30:10,310 --> 00:30:11,436 You've seen the movie too. 567 00:30:11,520 --> 00:30:13,063 It's a two-seater. We can fit on this bitch. 568 00:30:13,105 --> 00:30:14,231 Show me the goddamn world. 569 00:30:16,441 --> 00:30:19,027 Life or death, you can say it. Okay? 570 00:30:19,361 --> 00:30:21,405 Life or death, your prejudices start to come out. 571 00:30:21,446 --> 00:30:23,574 I'm not even talking about racial either. You know what I mean? 572 00:30:23,615 --> 00:30:25,325 Like, I won't have a doctor with an underbite. 573 00:30:25,367 --> 00:30:26,368 That's a prejudice I got. 574 00:30:27,703 --> 00:30:28,704 Not gonna happen. 575 00:30:29,371 --> 00:30:31,415 I don't care if there's no correlation between the two. 576 00:30:31,456 --> 00:30:34,459 You're not gonna walk into my surgery like, okay, what are we fixing today? 577 00:30:35,836 --> 00:30:37,921 How about your jaw, you fucking bulldog? 578 00:30:38,046 --> 00:30:39,047 How dare you? 579 00:30:39,256 --> 00:30:42,050 You're gonna walk into my surgery looking like a cash register? 580 00:30:42,301 --> 00:30:43,302 Cha-ching! 581 00:30:43,343 --> 00:30:45,429 Let's put that thing back where it's supposed to be. 582 00:30:45,929 --> 00:30:48,265 Should we walk outside and collect some rainwater, asshole? 583 00:30:48,307 --> 00:30:49,975 How dare you? 584 00:30:55,314 --> 00:30:56,481 That's all I'm trying to say. 585 00:30:57,566 --> 00:31:05,782 Is sometimes life or death makes even the most offensive situation tolerable. Okay? 586 00:31:05,991 --> 00:31:07,159 Even racist situations. 587 00:31:07,618 --> 00:31:10,370 Like, for example, blackface is wrong. 588 00:31:10,537 --> 00:31:11,538 Racist, cannot do it. 589 00:31:11,580 --> 00:31:13,540 - We agree? - We agree. 590 00:31:13,916 --> 00:31:14,917 Okay, good. 591 00:31:17,586 --> 00:31:18,587 Blackface is wrong. 592 00:31:18,670 --> 00:31:19,671 Can't do it. 593 00:31:19,713 --> 00:31:20,714 Good. 594 00:31:20,881 --> 00:31:21,882 Cannot do it. 595 00:31:22,424 --> 00:31:23,425 Blackface is wrong. 596 00:31:28,597 --> 00:31:30,098 Well, I have to ask the blackfaces. 597 00:31:30,140 --> 00:31:31,642 I can't ask the fucking rest of y'all. 598 00:31:32,976 --> 00:31:34,770 Your opinions don't matter. It's up to them. 599 00:31:34,811 --> 00:31:35,812 They make the rules. 600 00:31:37,773 --> 00:31:39,441 Blackface is wrong. It's racist. 601 00:31:39,608 --> 00:31:41,360 You cannot do it. Okay? 602 00:31:41,652 --> 00:31:42,694 Under no circumstances. 603 00:31:43,570 --> 00:31:44,571 Cannot do it. 604 00:31:45,489 --> 00:31:47,115 Then you see them Navy Seals commercials. 605 00:31:47,324 --> 00:31:48,700 You're like, all right, well, kind of. 606 00:31:48,742 --> 00:31:51,161 Sometimes you could do it. Right? 607 00:31:51,578 --> 00:31:56,041 The whole Navy Seals commercial is like, look how cool blackface is on a helicopter. 608 00:31:57,668 --> 00:31:59,670 Look how cool blackface is on a boat. 609 00:32:00,838 --> 00:32:01,839 Blackface in the water. 610 00:32:01,922 --> 00:32:02,923 They can swim. 611 00:32:02,965 --> 00:32:04,842 I don't know if they say that. 612 00:32:04,883 --> 00:32:08,011 I might have added that part. 613 00:32:08,053 --> 00:32:09,054 That's on me. 614 00:32:09,888 --> 00:32:12,558 But I'm just saying life or death situation is changing the stakes. 615 00:32:13,141 --> 00:32:19,356 Let's say, for example, me and you, we're going on a mission to save America from high gas prices. 616 00:32:22,609 --> 00:32:25,487 When gas is like $1.50, America is very progressive. Right? 617 00:32:25,612 --> 00:32:28,073 We're like, you have to respect all the cultures of the world. 618 00:32:28,866 --> 00:32:30,617 Gas gets to $5, we're like, yo! 619 00:32:32,452 --> 00:32:35,164 They might need some democracy out there in the Middle East, Biden. 620 00:32:35,747 --> 00:32:36,748 See this $5? 621 00:32:37,249 --> 00:32:40,085 How they make women dress like that when gas is $5, Biden? 622 00:32:40,711 --> 00:32:43,463 They just throwing gay people off buildings when gas is $5? 623 00:32:45,048 --> 00:32:46,049 Liberate those people. 624 00:32:49,178 --> 00:32:53,765 So let's say, for example, you and I are going on a mission to save America. 625 00:32:55,392 --> 00:32:57,978 The mission takes place at 1 a.m. 626 00:33:01,440 --> 00:33:03,525 That is an important piece of the information. 627 00:33:04,735 --> 00:33:06,195 We're going to be on the call sheet. 628 00:33:08,906 --> 00:33:10,532 You have your complexion. 629 00:33:13,410 --> 00:33:16,747 I have the complexion of an iPhone flashlight. 630 00:33:19,374 --> 00:33:21,418 If you don't give me blackface, we're fucking dead. 631 00:33:22,753 --> 00:33:24,087 I'm a disco ball in the desert. 632 00:33:24,213 --> 00:33:25,589 They're going to see us from a mile away. 633 00:33:25,631 --> 00:33:27,257 It's head shots for the both of us. 634 00:33:27,382 --> 00:33:30,260 You want to see her again, you got to paint me the fuck up, bro. 635 00:33:30,677 --> 00:33:31,678 Full thing. 636 00:33:31,720 --> 00:33:33,138 You don't have to do the lips and the tap shoes. 637 00:33:33,180 --> 00:33:35,974 That's a little bit much, but you got to paint me up. 638 00:33:36,058 --> 00:33:39,144 You got to paint me the fuck up if you want to survive. 639 00:33:39,394 --> 00:33:43,190 You're not going to let me go on that mission with you without putting on blackface for your safety. 640 00:33:43,232 --> 00:33:44,858 Just like I'm not going to let you smile. 641 00:33:44,942 --> 00:33:50,364 There's certain things, guys, there's certain things that we have to do so we get home. 642 00:33:50,447 --> 00:33:52,991 Those beautiful white teeth lighting up the night. 643 00:33:53,075 --> 00:33:54,076 I can't take that risk. 644 00:33:56,245 --> 00:34:00,374 I can see white people in the crowd looking for black people to see if it's okay to laugh at this joke. 645 00:34:01,542 --> 00:34:06,171 And the fact that you're having trouble finding them is exactly the point that I'm trying to make. Okay? 646 00:34:06,630 --> 00:34:08,966 It's about privilege. All right? 647 00:34:09,007 --> 00:34:11,343 I understand I have white privilege. Okay? 648 00:34:11,510 --> 00:34:14,847 But you have night privilege and we need to bring those together. 649 00:34:17,641 --> 00:34:18,642 Don't get me wrong. 650 00:34:18,684 --> 00:34:22,020 We get pulled over on a ride home, that's where I take care of business. 651 00:34:26,400 --> 00:34:27,484 I'm sorry, officer. 652 00:34:27,651 --> 00:34:28,652 Was there a problem? 653 00:34:29,736 --> 00:34:30,737 Speeding. 654 00:34:30,779 --> 00:34:31,822 Must have been my black foot. 655 00:34:31,864 --> 00:34:32,865 I'll take care of that. 656 00:34:37,703 --> 00:34:38,745 Is it fucked up? 657 00:34:38,787 --> 00:34:39,788 Yeah, I guess. 658 00:34:41,331 --> 00:34:42,332 It is. 659 00:34:42,499 --> 00:34:43,959 Is that your girlfriend right there? 660 00:34:44,042 --> 00:34:46,211 - How long you guys been together? - Eight years. 661 00:34:46,253 --> 00:34:47,671 Eight years? Amazing. 662 00:34:47,713 --> 00:34:48,714 Are you on birth control? 663 00:34:51,967 --> 00:34:53,093 What type are you on? 664 00:34:58,432 --> 00:34:59,433 You don't know. 665 00:35:01,435 --> 00:35:03,520 Does he just push you down the stairs once a month? 666 00:35:03,562 --> 00:35:04,688 Is that what happens to him? 667 00:35:08,734 --> 00:35:11,069 What's your birth control called? Tumble? 668 00:35:15,574 --> 00:35:17,993 He just gives you some vitamins every morning, that's it. 669 00:35:18,076 --> 00:35:19,995 You don't know what the fuck you're taking, huh? 670 00:35:21,747 --> 00:35:22,748 Is it a pill? 671 00:35:22,831 --> 00:35:23,999 Is it like a ring? 672 00:35:24,082 --> 00:35:25,083 It's a pill. 673 00:35:25,125 --> 00:35:26,668 Okay, you went old school. You got the pill. 674 00:35:26,710 --> 00:35:29,671 That's what's up. Because there's a lot of birth controls out there. 675 00:35:29,713 --> 00:35:31,715 What do you think the best birth control is, ladies? 676 00:35:31,757 --> 00:35:32,966 - Plan B. - Plan B? 677 00:35:33,133 --> 00:35:34,134 That's a good one. 678 00:35:36,261 --> 00:35:37,554 That's a good one right there. 679 00:35:39,056 --> 00:35:42,351 Guaranteed she got HPV 100%. Guaranteed. 680 00:35:42,392 --> 00:35:43,894 But it's all good. Most of us do. 681 00:35:43,936 --> 00:35:45,604 It is what it is. You know what I mean? 682 00:35:45,646 --> 00:35:46,980 That's chicken pox at this point. 683 00:35:52,027 --> 00:35:53,946 You're a real one for that. Plan B. 684 00:35:53,987 --> 00:35:56,698 Just gobbling them shits up like fucking Flintstone vitamins. 685 00:35:56,990 --> 00:35:58,200 That's what I'm talking about. 686 00:35:58,367 --> 00:35:59,701 That's a soldier right there. 687 00:36:02,079 --> 00:36:03,080 Fuck it. Leave it in. 688 00:36:03,121 --> 00:36:04,790 I got some extra on the bedside table. 689 00:36:10,504 --> 00:36:12,089 What else? What else, ladies? 690 00:36:12,172 --> 00:36:13,173 What else? 691 00:36:13,382 --> 00:36:14,383 IUD. 692 00:36:14,800 --> 00:36:15,801 IUD? 693 00:36:16,009 --> 00:36:17,344 IUD is an interesting one. 694 00:36:17,511 --> 00:36:21,181 IUD is basically like a, there's birth control USB. 695 00:36:21,515 --> 00:36:26,395 The girls insert in their pussy and they just leave it there. 696 00:36:26,520 --> 00:36:28,397 They just stuff it in there and leave it there. 697 00:36:28,564 --> 00:36:31,567 And then they just hope they don't fuck a black guy to knock that shit out. 698 00:36:32,734 --> 00:36:34,111 You're basically rolling the dice. 699 00:36:34,194 --> 00:36:36,572 Black dude get deep in there, he comes out a Prince Albert. 700 00:36:36,697 --> 00:36:38,824 So you got to be very careful. Okay? 701 00:36:38,907 --> 00:36:42,911 You got jewelry on your dick after fucking these IUD chicks. 702 00:36:46,498 --> 00:36:47,666 What else? 703 00:36:47,708 --> 00:36:48,834 One more. 704 00:36:49,376 --> 00:36:50,377 Vasectomy. 705 00:36:50,419 --> 00:36:52,171 Oh, is that, did you get that? 706 00:36:53,589 --> 00:36:56,675 Bro, you look like they left Val Kilmer in a bathtub, man. 707 00:37:02,556 --> 00:37:04,516 That's a beautiful head of hair though, for sure. 708 00:37:04,808 --> 00:37:06,810 Is that yours or do you guys buy wigs together? 709 00:37:07,144 --> 00:37:08,145 Guys. 710 00:37:08,729 --> 00:37:10,981 Guys. 711 00:37:21,116 --> 00:37:22,367 She hates me now. 712 00:37:22,451 --> 00:37:23,452 Don't beat me up. 713 00:37:24,620 --> 00:37:25,621 Don't beat me up. 714 00:37:26,538 --> 00:37:29,458 I'm a good sweet boy. Okay. 715 00:37:29,541 --> 00:37:30,959 You didn't like that one that much. 716 00:37:33,170 --> 00:37:34,379 Was it wrong though? 717 00:37:34,880 --> 00:37:35,881 No. 718 00:37:42,387 --> 00:37:43,722 How long you guys been together? 719 00:37:44,515 --> 00:37:45,516 Four years. 720 00:37:45,557 --> 00:37:46,558 Okay, bro. 721 00:37:47,351 --> 00:37:48,602 Is he a big dick white? 722 00:37:53,941 --> 00:37:55,359 You look big dick, bro. 723 00:37:57,528 --> 00:38:01,573 You look big dick because you're the black girl and you don't even have cool sneakers on. 724 00:38:01,615 --> 00:38:04,159 So you definitely, you got something, dude. 725 00:38:04,201 --> 00:38:05,869 You're packing something there, man. 726 00:38:07,496 --> 00:38:08,705 Unbelievable, that guy, right? 727 00:38:09,998 --> 00:38:11,708 Four years, man. God bless. 728 00:38:12,000 --> 00:38:14,795 And you guys, a little marriage thing popping off or what? 729 00:38:15,462 --> 00:38:16,547 Oh, you're already married. 730 00:38:17,005 --> 00:38:18,173 Congratulations, kids. 731 00:38:19,216 --> 00:38:20,217 Kids. 732 00:38:20,259 --> 00:38:21,593 Oh, you made him get cut? 733 00:38:21,885 --> 00:38:23,679 Oh, that's some good pussy right there, bro. 734 00:38:25,430 --> 00:38:26,682 Nah, that happens, man. 735 00:38:27,015 --> 00:38:29,476 Come fast too many times, you gotta do something. 736 00:38:31,395 --> 00:38:33,438 That's really why birth control exists, man. 737 00:38:33,480 --> 00:38:36,692 It's not for y'all to get pregnant so that we can get those last two pumps. 738 00:38:40,237 --> 00:38:44,491 Like, how many times has your girl been like very close and you're like, oh, fuck. 739 00:38:45,284 --> 00:38:48,036 She's like, don't come to... 740 00:38:48,078 --> 00:38:51,874 ...You know who Antonio Cromartie is? 741 00:38:53,876 --> 00:38:54,877 She knows. 742 00:38:56,211 --> 00:38:59,256 Antonio Cromartie is this football player who has 17 kids. 743 00:38:59,965 --> 00:39:02,092 After his 15th kid, he got a vasectomy. 744 00:39:02,467 --> 00:39:04,094 Now, I don't know if you guys know what a vasectomy is. 745 00:39:04,136 --> 00:39:05,554 Basically, they cut the vas deferens. 746 00:39:05,596 --> 00:39:07,431 That's the highway from your balls to your penis hole. 747 00:39:07,472 --> 00:39:08,515 Right? 748 00:39:08,557 --> 00:39:11,518 And it takes the sperm from balls, but they just cut that shit. 749 00:39:11,560 --> 00:39:14,646 And Antonio Cromartie had two more kids after the vasectomy. 750 00:39:15,230 --> 00:39:17,441 That's how athletic that motherfucker was, bro. 751 00:39:18,442 --> 00:39:20,527 His sperm were in there like Mario Kart Rainbow. 752 00:39:20,569 --> 00:39:23,197 Road, just hopping over to the next side. 753 00:39:27,701 --> 00:39:29,369 What else? One more. 754 00:39:29,953 --> 00:39:31,079 You said to swallow? 755 00:39:31,663 --> 00:39:32,664 She's a keeper, dog. 756 00:39:32,748 --> 00:39:33,749 There it is. 757 00:39:36,543 --> 00:39:38,212 She's a keeper, bro. That's crazy. 758 00:39:38,337 --> 00:39:40,756 Usually, the people with the man bun swallow, but it's cool. 759 00:39:41,215 --> 00:39:42,216 It's cool. 760 00:39:42,257 --> 00:39:46,345 Like, it's cool that you guys have that relationship where it's equal. 761 00:39:46,512 --> 00:39:47,513 You know what I mean? 762 00:39:48,013 --> 00:39:49,640 Does sometimes he ask for a little? 763 00:39:49,681 --> 00:39:51,391 He's like, just spit a little in my mouth. 764 00:39:57,397 --> 00:39:59,274 You got to feed him like a baby bird. 765 00:39:59,399 --> 00:40:00,400 Just hep, hep, hep. 766 00:40:10,452 --> 00:40:11,453 Texas. 767 00:40:16,625 --> 00:40:17,626 Oh, Texas. 768 00:40:17,668 --> 00:40:21,713 We didn't talk about how they're taking away your Scoop Scoops, ladies. 769 00:40:26,552 --> 00:40:27,553 Ain't that fucked up? 770 00:40:27,594 --> 00:40:29,304 They trying to take away your Scoop Scoops? 771 00:40:31,056 --> 00:40:32,057 It's unbelievable. 772 00:40:32,099 --> 00:40:35,018 I just want to let y'all know right now, ladies, I am with you. 773 00:40:35,060 --> 00:40:36,520 I think it's your body, your choice. 774 00:40:36,562 --> 00:40:37,646 I agree with you on that. 775 00:40:40,107 --> 00:40:41,233 I agree with you. 776 00:40:41,316 --> 00:40:46,864 When you say that men should have no say in the decisions you make with your bodies, those are your decisions to make and yours alone. 777 00:40:47,322 --> 00:40:52,744 And I feel that way because at the end of the day, when we all go up to heaven and God's like, why are we all killing babies? 778 00:40:52,786 --> 00:40:53,996 We're going to be like, y'all. 779 00:41:01,378 --> 00:41:03,839 I think they were very clear whose decision this was, guys. 780 00:41:06,133 --> 00:41:08,093 Looks like you need to pay for your sins, babe. 781 00:41:10,220 --> 00:41:11,680 Even though I paid for your sins. 782 00:41:17,227 --> 00:41:18,228 Come on, y'all. 783 00:41:18,270 --> 00:41:20,522 Chivalry ain't dead to that baby, as you know the rules. 784 00:41:28,530 --> 00:41:29,531 Oh, man. 785 00:41:29,740 --> 00:41:30,741 Yeah, abortion. 786 00:41:33,118 --> 00:41:34,786 Abortion, abortion, abortion, man. 787 00:41:34,828 --> 00:41:35,829 It's a tricky one. 788 00:41:35,913 --> 00:41:40,209 When I was living in my old place in New York, I lived down the block from an abortion clinic. 789 00:41:40,792 --> 00:41:41,793 And, uh... 790 00:41:42,794 --> 00:41:44,087 Location, location, location. 791 00:41:46,673 --> 00:41:49,051 And no bullshit, that's the wildest place in New York. 792 00:41:49,134 --> 00:41:51,678 Like, it's a fucking carnival outside of there every single day. 793 00:41:51,887 --> 00:41:55,265 Like, people come to New York and they go to, like, Broadway plays and shit. 794 00:41:55,390 --> 00:42:02,314 They'll literally spend thousands of dollars to watch Harry Potter, the musical, when they could just stand outside the clinic and watch something really disappear. 795 00:42:09,404 --> 00:42:10,405 Fetus deleters! 796 00:42:17,830 --> 00:42:24,753 I remember one time I was walking by the clinic and I saw a father and his daughter outside and his daughter looked like she was 10 years old. 797 00:42:25,796 --> 00:42:30,300 Now, I don't want to divide the crowd politically here, uh, but for me, 798 00:42:31,593 --> 00:42:32,594 that's a little late. 799 00:42:36,890 --> 00:42:37,933 This is just me. 800 00:42:38,016 --> 00:42:39,434 I'm not putting my views on you. 801 00:42:40,227 --> 00:42:43,981 But personally, I think a fetus becomes a life around the third grade. 802 00:42:44,439 --> 00:42:46,191 That's... I think that's a life. 803 00:42:46,316 --> 00:42:47,860 I do believe that's a life. Okay? 804 00:42:48,152 --> 00:42:50,195 Maybe we could roll it back a few years from there. 805 00:42:50,237 --> 00:42:52,656 But definitely, if you could spell abortion, we don't abort you. 806 00:42:52,698 --> 00:42:54,825 That's just the rule that I have in my book. 807 00:42:54,950 --> 00:42:55,951 Okay? 808 00:42:56,910 --> 00:42:59,246 So naturally, I'm like, yo, I gotta save this girl's life. 809 00:43:00,831 --> 00:43:02,541 I walk over, I get a little closer. 810 00:43:02,624 --> 00:43:05,210 Turns out, he wasn't aborting his daughter. 811 00:43:05,335 --> 00:43:06,336 Thank God. 812 00:43:07,087 --> 00:43:11,508 Uh, what he was actually doing was protesting the abortion clinic. 813 00:43:11,633 --> 00:43:14,219 And I'd never seen this shit before in real life. It was crazy. 814 00:43:14,261 --> 00:43:16,555 Like, he's, like, heckling these girls as they go in. 815 00:43:16,847 --> 00:43:19,516 You know, he's just screaming up there, you're gonna burn in hell. 816 00:43:19,808 --> 00:43:21,643 And these girls were so New York about it. 817 00:43:21,685 --> 00:43:23,562 They're like, I just have chlamydia, you pussy. 818 00:43:26,607 --> 00:43:28,108 - Burn in hell. - I'm burning now. 819 00:43:28,275 --> 00:43:29,985 That's why I'm going to the fucking clinic. 820 00:43:33,405 --> 00:43:35,449 So I'm watching this go down, and I'm torn, right? 821 00:43:35,491 --> 00:43:37,784 Because naturally, as a man, I want to protect these women, right? 822 00:43:37,826 --> 00:43:40,245 But as a comic, I love a rose, right? 823 00:43:40,329 --> 00:43:43,248 So I'm like, how do I fit in this shit? 824 00:43:43,373 --> 00:43:47,628 And then all of a sudden, this UPS employee walks into the clinic, and I had to. 825 00:43:48,253 --> 00:43:49,254 I had to. 826 00:43:49,963 --> 00:43:51,590 At least someone wants to deliver. 827 00:43:51,882 --> 00:43:53,258 It was the right thing to say. 828 00:43:54,009 --> 00:43:55,010 Guys. 829 00:43:55,719 --> 00:43:57,429 He got in on it. He was like, same day. 830 00:43:57,513 --> 00:43:58,680 It was unbelievable, brother. 831 00:43:59,389 --> 00:44:01,391 Chemistry was there. 832 00:44:02,726 --> 00:44:07,564 So I'm standing outside a clinic, right next to this dude who was, like, very passionate about abortion. 833 00:44:07,606 --> 00:44:09,191 I realized I'd never spoken to one of these guys before. 834 00:44:09,233 --> 00:44:10,567 So I'm like, I just gotta talk to him. 835 00:44:10,609 --> 00:44:14,238 So I went up to him, and I was like, hey, man, I don't wanna interrupt your whole take your daughter to work day. 836 00:44:14,279 --> 00:44:15,280 I think... 837 00:44:16,114 --> 00:44:17,199 I think it's great. 838 00:44:17,282 --> 00:44:18,700 You wanna spend time with your family. 839 00:44:18,742 --> 00:44:20,285 Obviously not everybody here gets that. 840 00:44:25,541 --> 00:44:28,335 I go, buddy, I just gotta know, why are you so against abortion? 841 00:44:28,710 --> 00:44:31,213 And the guy looks at me, he goes, I'll tell you what changed it all for me. 842 00:44:31,255 --> 00:44:32,589 It's these new sonograms. 843 00:44:34,550 --> 00:44:36,343 Thank God a few of you guys said, what? 844 00:44:37,094 --> 00:44:38,095 We're idiots. 845 00:44:38,136 --> 00:44:40,013 I didn't even know they upgraded the sonograms. 846 00:44:40,222 --> 00:44:42,224 They completely changed the sonograms. 847 00:44:42,266 --> 00:44:45,561 It's not like the back in the day shit to look at you and pay your cable. 848 00:44:45,644 --> 00:44:46,645 Remember those? 849 00:44:46,979 --> 00:44:49,189 Remember the black paper with the gray clouds on it? 850 00:44:49,773 --> 00:44:50,858 Those were abortable. 851 00:44:50,941 --> 00:44:52,025 Let's just be honest. Right? 852 00:44:52,067 --> 00:44:55,070 Like, doctor hands you that shit like an Etch-a-Sketch. 853 00:44:55,154 --> 00:44:56,155 You're like, not today. 854 00:44:57,781 --> 00:44:59,283 See you later, kiddo. 855 00:45:00,868 --> 00:45:06,790 But the new ones are HD, 4D, not 3D. 856 00:45:07,749 --> 00:45:08,750 4D. 857 00:45:08,792 --> 00:45:11,420 You can hear the baby like, keep me. 858 00:45:12,921 --> 00:45:13,922 You know what I mean? 859 00:45:17,968 --> 00:45:19,469 That's not where you hang a shirt. 860 00:45:31,982 --> 00:45:34,026 So I'm looking at these images, right? 861 00:45:34,193 --> 00:45:35,819 And I'm like, man, this is visceral. 862 00:45:35,944 --> 00:45:37,988 This is hard to, this is hard to disagree with. 863 00:45:38,489 --> 00:45:41,867 And then I noticed all the images he's showing me are from much later on in the pregnancy. 864 00:45:41,909 --> 00:45:43,952 So I was like, hold up, hold up, hold up. What about early on? 865 00:45:43,994 --> 00:45:44,995 He goes, I don't care. 866 00:45:45,120 --> 00:45:46,371 It's killing a baby. 867 00:45:47,122 --> 00:45:49,082 I'm like, but bro, it's not even a baby yet. 868 00:45:49,166 --> 00:45:51,084 He goes, yeah, but if you leave it there, 869 00:45:54,546 --> 00:45:56,048 it's gonna grow into a baby. 870 00:45:56,173 --> 00:45:57,174 So it's a baby. 871 00:45:57,674 --> 00:45:58,967 And I was like, you know what? 872 00:45:59,843 --> 00:46:01,887 Your daughter's fucking hot, bro. 873 00:46:04,139 --> 00:46:05,933 This guy loses his fucking mind. 874 00:46:06,642 --> 00:46:08,101 The fuck you mean my daughter's hot? 875 00:46:08,143 --> 00:46:09,895 She's 10 years old. What the hell is wrong with you? 876 00:46:09,937 --> 00:46:11,605 I'm like, yeah, but if we leave her there, 877 00:46:18,028 --> 00:46:19,738 she's gonna grow into a woman, pops. 878 00:46:21,740 --> 00:46:22,950 We pedophiles are pro-life. 879 00:46:22,991 --> 00:46:23,992 You decide. 880 00:46:27,788 --> 00:46:29,373 How are we gonna get on the same page? 881 00:46:30,249 --> 00:46:32,334 Ladies, how are we gonna get on the same page? 882 00:46:32,376 --> 00:46:34,169 We agree on most shit, right? 883 00:46:34,962 --> 00:46:36,797 You think that we disagree on a lot, sweetheart? 884 00:46:36,839 --> 00:46:38,340 Like what? 885 00:46:40,342 --> 00:46:41,343 Really? 886 00:46:41,593 --> 00:46:44,263 I went to one of them women's marches and we had a lot in common. 887 00:46:45,806 --> 00:46:47,933 I saw those girls screaming, free the nipple. 888 00:46:53,689 --> 00:46:54,940 That sounds pretty good. 889 00:46:56,733 --> 00:46:57,734 Right? 890 00:46:58,193 --> 00:47:01,405 They were screaming, we should be able to have sex with as many guys as we want. 891 00:47:01,446 --> 00:47:02,447 Yes, you should. 892 00:47:03,615 --> 00:47:05,659 If we get pregnant, we should be able to abort it. 893 00:47:05,701 --> 00:47:06,702 Hopefully. 894 00:47:07,661 --> 00:47:09,746 And we need to work so we can pay our half. 895 00:47:09,830 --> 00:47:10,831 Hallelujah. 896 00:47:11,748 --> 00:47:12,875 Fellas, get down here. 897 00:47:13,417 --> 00:47:14,418 It's happening. 898 00:47:14,459 --> 00:47:15,711 We've reached common ground. 899 00:47:17,629 --> 00:47:18,630 It was unbelievable. 900 00:47:19,047 --> 00:47:22,217 These women were fighting for the right to become the men they've always hated. 901 00:47:23,510 --> 00:47:27,764 Just walk around with their shirts off, fucking whoever, not worried about the kid. 902 00:47:27,890 --> 00:47:29,766 I'm like, are y'all feminists or fuckboys? 903 00:47:29,892 --> 00:47:30,893 What is this shit? 904 00:47:36,482 --> 00:47:38,484 I'm just saying, man, we're on the same team. 905 00:47:38,692 --> 00:47:39,693 You know what I mean? 906 00:47:39,902 --> 00:47:41,862 And that's good because this is as good as it gets. 907 00:47:41,904 --> 00:47:44,656 Ladies, y'all can't move anywhere else and it gets better for y'all. 908 00:47:48,368 --> 00:47:50,787 You gotta deal with us being sexist. That's a fact. 909 00:47:50,954 --> 00:47:52,164 We are fucking sexist. 910 00:47:52,247 --> 00:47:55,125 We say stupid shit like, women can't drive. 911 00:47:57,127 --> 00:47:58,295 Women can't drive. 912 00:47:59,838 --> 00:48:02,174 But in the Middle East, they're like, no, seriously, women can't drive. 913 00:48:02,216 --> 00:48:04,259 So we don't play that shit out here. 914 00:48:04,760 --> 00:48:05,802 Are there women driving? 915 00:48:05,928 --> 00:48:07,137 Ahmed, give me the fucking stones. 916 00:48:07,179 --> 00:48:08,430 These bitches out here driving. 917 00:48:09,097 --> 00:48:10,682 I gotta teach them a lesson with stones. 918 00:48:13,393 --> 00:48:15,562 I'm not saying there aren't things that y 'all gotta go through. 919 00:48:15,604 --> 00:48:17,648 Obviously, you know, like... 920 00:48:17,689 --> 00:48:24,029 ...You might have a daughter that has low self-esteem because she's comparing herself to these unrealistic images every single day and that's really fucked up. 921 00:48:25,155 --> 00:48:30,077 But in China, you can't have a daughter. 922 00:48:30,369 --> 00:48:34,540 So, yeah, you have a daughter, they just mash it into an iPhone. 923 00:48:34,748 --> 00:48:35,749 That's the policy. 924 00:48:36,083 --> 00:48:38,418 Enjoy your FaceTime. 925 00:48:38,460 --> 00:48:41,171 There's a little Chinese girl inside every one of your iPhones. 926 00:48:41,880 --> 00:48:44,424 Why do you think when your phone breaks they say, put in a bag of rice? 927 00:48:44,466 --> 00:48:47,427 You think that's a coincidence? 928 00:48:48,011 --> 00:48:49,847 It's to soak up her tears, okay? 929 00:48:50,389 --> 00:48:51,390 Have some respect. 930 00:48:53,976 --> 00:48:55,310 We love y'all, okay? 931 00:48:55,477 --> 00:48:56,728 And we wanna make you happy. 932 00:48:56,854 --> 00:48:59,148 I think most guys wanna make you happy. Especially sexually. 933 00:48:59,189 --> 00:49:01,525 There's this rumor like we don't care about satisfying you. 934 00:49:01,567 --> 00:49:02,568 That's not true at all. 935 00:49:02,985 --> 00:49:05,612 We feel pathetic if we don't satisfy you. 936 00:49:06,238 --> 00:49:07,656 That shit is just mad difficult. 937 00:49:09,116 --> 00:49:11,201 If we're gonna keep it a buck, it's tricky, yo. 938 00:49:11,869 --> 00:49:13,787 The clit? I don't know exactly where it is. 939 00:49:13,829 --> 00:49:17,416 I still do Ash Wednesday every time I'm down there, dog. Right? 940 00:49:18,041 --> 00:49:19,751 Longitude, latitude, you bump into it. 941 00:49:20,502 --> 00:49:22,462 Father, Son, Holy Ghost, Father, Son, Holy Ghost. 942 00:49:23,589 --> 00:49:25,340 You do that enough times, you get baptized. 943 00:49:31,847 --> 00:49:32,848 Pussies are tricky. 944 00:49:32,890 --> 00:49:36,059 Nobody ever stared down a barrel of a pussy and was like, that's how I would've designed it. 945 00:49:36,101 --> 00:49:37,102 Just like that. 946 00:49:37,978 --> 00:49:39,354 Two lips, why stop at two? 947 00:49:39,396 --> 00:49:40,397 Four, double down. 948 00:49:40,439 --> 00:49:41,815 Double down on two. Always. 949 00:49:41,940 --> 00:49:42,983 Out of hood. 950 00:49:43,108 --> 00:49:44,318 I want that pussy looking emo. 951 00:49:46,111 --> 00:49:48,030 I want that pussy looking like a school shooter. 952 00:49:49,281 --> 00:49:51,658 Because once a month, it's a massacre down there. 953 00:49:56,121 --> 00:49:58,457 There's a lot of things you ladies have harder in life. 954 00:49:58,790 --> 00:50:01,460 But satisfying the opposite sex is not one of them. 955 00:50:02,085 --> 00:50:03,086 Let's be honest. 956 00:50:03,128 --> 00:50:04,379 It's easy to make a dude cum. 957 00:50:05,339 --> 00:50:06,340 You agree, right? 958 00:50:06,965 --> 00:50:08,133 That's not an accomplishment. 959 00:50:09,801 --> 00:50:10,928 It is easy. 960 00:50:11,094 --> 00:50:12,221 We have pre-cum. 961 00:50:14,765 --> 00:50:19,019 That means before we cum, we cum. 962 00:50:21,396 --> 00:50:22,606 We're never not cumming. 963 00:50:23,607 --> 00:50:26,068 We turn 13 and just leak for the rest of our lives. 964 00:50:28,445 --> 00:50:30,113 You don't ever have to ask us, ladies. 965 00:50:30,155 --> 00:50:31,698 Sometimes girls are like, did you cum already? 966 00:50:31,740 --> 00:50:32,825 Four hours ago, sweetheart. 967 00:50:33,742 --> 00:50:37,246 You touch my knee at dinner, a few of my sperm are like, fuck it, I'm outta here. 968 00:50:39,206 --> 00:50:41,500 You just didn't notice because pre-cum doesn't shoot out. 969 00:50:42,084 --> 00:50:47,589 It just climbs to the top and then chills there like it's in a jacuzzi at a ski resort. 970 00:50:49,341 --> 00:50:50,884 I'm not getting out with a towel, bro. 971 00:50:50,926 --> 00:50:52,386 It looks fucking freezing out there. 972 00:50:56,139 --> 00:50:57,182 It's just easier. 973 00:50:57,432 --> 00:50:58,475 It has to be easier. 974 00:50:58,809 --> 00:51:01,353 I'll be honest. I never sucked dick, but I could do it. 975 00:51:01,395 --> 00:51:03,147 I know that. I could do it. 976 00:51:03,438 --> 00:51:05,941 It's positive feedback built into the dick, okay? 977 00:51:06,275 --> 00:51:07,568 You sucking a dick good? 978 00:51:07,818 --> 00:51:08,819 Hard. 979 00:51:09,403 --> 00:51:10,404 Sucking a dick bad? 980 00:51:10,696 --> 00:51:11,697 Shoelace. 981 00:51:12,948 --> 00:51:16,577 You could be the best at eating pussy in the world or the worst at eating pussy in the world. 982 00:51:16,618 --> 00:51:19,204 Pussy still stares at you like Stephen Hawking. 983 00:51:26,587 --> 00:51:28,088 Just motionless drooling. 984 00:51:36,805 --> 00:51:42,561 If someone kidnapped my mom and they were like, yo, Schultz, we're gonna kill your mom. 985 00:51:42,769 --> 00:51:46,523 Unless you either make Ted cum or Rebecca cum. 986 00:52:10,047 --> 00:52:12,674 Becca, why don't you grab us some seltzers or something, okay? 987 00:52:13,884 --> 00:52:15,719 Ted and I got a life to save. 988 00:52:16,762 --> 00:52:19,097 I go in there with Ted, it's light work, okay? 989 00:52:19,389 --> 00:52:22,392 I go in there, he's like, listen, we're not like, shut the fuck up, Ted. 990 00:52:22,935 --> 00:52:25,771 Sit down, get your dick sucked like a man. 991 00:52:28,023 --> 00:52:30,150 I go in there with Becca, we are rolling the dice. 992 00:52:30,984 --> 00:52:32,653 I'm down there, I'm giving it everything. 993 00:52:33,862 --> 00:52:37,407 She's up there like, I feel like you're just doing this to save your mom. 994 00:52:37,699 --> 00:52:38,700 Like... 995 00:52:52,089 --> 00:52:53,173 So it's easier. 996 00:52:53,340 --> 00:52:54,466 We can all acknowledge that. 997 00:52:54,633 --> 00:52:56,301 But that doesn't mean that we don't wanna make you cum. 998 00:52:56,343 --> 00:52:59,471 We do wanna make you cum and we feel pathetic if we don't make you cum. 999 00:52:59,513 --> 00:53:01,348 And here's the most fucked up part of it all. 1000 00:53:01,890 --> 00:53:06,562 We never know if you actually do cum. Right? 1001 00:53:06,854 --> 00:53:07,813 There's no sign. 1002 00:53:07,896 --> 00:53:09,273 It's not like your titties light up or nothing. 1003 00:53:09,314 --> 00:53:11,567 There's nothing. Right? 1004 00:53:11,650 --> 00:53:17,322 The closest we have is sometimes during sex, you be looking all beautiful and then out of nowhere you just go... 1005 00:53:22,119 --> 00:53:28,250 I don't know what the fuck that shit is, but if you turn into Big Ed from 90 Day Fiancé out of nowhere, you just... 1006 00:53:31,420 --> 00:53:35,841 I'm trying to stuff as much dick in you as I possibly can. Okay? 1007 00:53:35,883 --> 00:53:36,884 I squeeze my butt cheeks. 1008 00:53:36,967 --> 00:53:37,968 I pump and squeeze. 1009 00:53:38,677 --> 00:53:40,846 I think I got extra centimeter dick in my butt cheeks. 1010 00:53:40,929 --> 00:53:41,930 I ain't gonna lie. 1011 00:53:42,139 --> 00:53:45,309 I squeeze my butt cheeks, I might pop your head right out your fucking shoulders. 1012 00:53:45,350 --> 00:53:47,352 Fuck around with me when I squeeze my butt cheeks. 1013 00:53:53,358 --> 00:53:55,486 We just want validation too. Okay? 1014 00:53:55,736 --> 00:53:59,990 And since we never know if you orgasm, we gotta settle for the side effects of sex. All right? 1015 00:54:00,115 --> 00:54:01,575 That's why we're into the weird shit. 1016 00:54:01,617 --> 00:54:04,453 You queef, we get excited. Okay? 1017 00:54:04,495 --> 00:54:08,457 That same exact sound comes out of your butthole, repulsed for 48 hours. 1018 00:54:09,166 --> 00:54:12,753 How could you destroy the fabric of our relationship by farting in front of me like that? 1019 00:54:12,794 --> 00:54:13,795 That's disgusting. 1020 00:54:14,463 --> 00:54:20,052 That sound comes out of your pussy after sex, I got my hand to my ear like Hulk Hogan, like, let her rip, baby! 1021 00:54:21,929 --> 00:54:23,096 I'm waiting for it. 1022 00:54:23,138 --> 00:54:27,392 When my girl gets off the bed after sex, I'm waiting for that propeller to start spinning. 1023 00:54:28,352 --> 00:54:34,483 She takes two steps and just, Oh, babe, you taking a flight? 1024 00:54:36,527 --> 00:54:38,195 You going to the Bahamas or something? 1025 00:54:38,946 --> 00:54:41,824 I know you're not going to the Virgin Islands after what I did to you. 1026 00:54:45,244 --> 00:54:46,662 It's the same thing with squirting. 1027 00:54:46,787 --> 00:54:47,996 We know it's pee, ladies. 1028 00:54:48,288 --> 00:54:49,289 We're not stupid. 1029 00:54:50,582 --> 00:54:51,583 Obviously. It's pee. 1030 00:54:51,625 --> 00:54:53,252 You don't have water balloons inside you. 1031 00:54:54,670 --> 00:54:56,588 But here's the thing. We don't give a fuck. 1032 00:54:57,297 --> 00:54:58,715 Because we made you pee. 1033 00:55:01,760 --> 00:55:03,470 We love it. We talking shit. 1034 00:55:03,554 --> 00:55:05,806 Look at your sheets, you see how stupid your sheets look? 1035 00:55:05,848 --> 00:55:09,810 Ah, I got crop circles on your fucking sheets. 1036 00:55:09,852 --> 00:55:10,853 You see that shit? 1037 00:55:10,894 --> 00:55:11,895 Hey, hey, hey. 1038 00:55:12,521 --> 00:55:14,690 I might not make you cum, I'll make you do laundry. 1039 00:55:14,857 --> 00:55:15,858 That's a fact. 1040 00:55:17,276 --> 00:55:18,902 I do alone, you do alone. 1041 00:55:19,069 --> 00:55:20,904 That's how things work around here! 1042 00:55:20,988 --> 00:55:23,198 I'm kinda like, Guys, thank y'all so much, man. 1043 00:55:24,366 --> 00:55:25,367 Thank y'all so much. 1044 00:55:43,093 --> 00:55:45,179 I know exactly how all of this goes. 1045 00:55:45,262 --> 00:55:47,097 So real for the cameras, I don't like to pose. 1046 00:55:47,264 --> 00:55:48,932 When I go out a few weeks on the road. 1047 00:55:49,141 --> 00:55:50,934 One million, two million, three million fold. 1048 00:55:51,018 --> 00:55:53,228 Think that I'm stopping, you got me confused a little bit. 1049 00:55:53,270 --> 00:55:54,480 Who are you to say shit to me? 1050 00:55:54,688 --> 00:55:56,190 You seen that slope, it gets slippery. 1051 00:55:56,648 --> 00:55:57,941 Y'all type in riches and riches. 1052 00:55:57,983 --> 00:56:01,778 Every baby, daily baby, I ain't scared of heights no more. 1053 00:56:01,904 --> 00:56:05,574 Got me saying Russ, I got it, you don't gotta fight no more. 1054 00:56:07,701 --> 00:56:10,412 Okay, okay, okay. 1055 00:56:28,013 --> 00:56:29,014 Yeah. 1056 00:56:30,305 --> 00:57:30,906 Do you want subtitles for any video? -=[ ai.OpenSubtitles.com ]=-