Tuesday's Trash

1 00:00:02,007 --> 00:00:05,009 ...23,976 fps HD comedy ... 2 00:00:06,006 --> 00:00:08,800 [UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING] 3 00:00:08,900 --> 00:00:09,000 .. 4 00:00:11,000 --> 00:00:17,074 Watch Online Movies and Series for FREE www.osdb.link/lm 5 00:01:53,113 --> 00:01:57,659 HOST:<i> Ladies, gentlemen,</i> <i>non binary people,</i> 6 00:01:57,659 --> 00:02:00,704 <i>and anyone in between,</i> 7 00:02:00,704 --> 00:02:03,373 <i>you've seen her on E!,</i> 8 00:02:03,373 --> 00:02:05,042 <i>VH1,</i> 9 00:02:05,042 --> 00:02:06,752 World of weird, 10 00:02:06,752 --> 00:02:11,173 <i>and at random</i> <i>public park fountains</i> <i>talking to pigeons.</i> 11 00:02:11,173 --> 00:02:14,051 <i>- Let's bring to the stage,</i> <i>the one...</i> - [ALL CHEERING] 12 00:02:14,051 --> 00:02:17,846 <i>the only, the queen</i> <i>of all the freaks,</i> 13 00:02:17,846 --> 00:02:22,601 <i>Miss Tuesday Thomas!</i> 14 00:02:22,601 --> 00:02:25,521 [CHEERING] 15 00:02:25,521 --> 00:02:26,688 All right, all right. 16 00:02:26,688 --> 00:02:27,814 All right. I'm sorry. 17 00:02:27,814 --> 00:02:29,358 I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm late. 18 00:02:29,358 --> 00:02:31,318 I got here just as quickly as I felt like it, okay? 19 00:02:31,318 --> 00:02:32,611 [CROWD LAUGHS] 20 00:02:34,029 --> 00:02:35,447 Oh, my God. 21 00:02:35,447 --> 00:02:37,032 So how are you all doing? 22 00:02:37,032 --> 00:02:38,742 [CROWD CHEERING] 23 00:02:38,742 --> 00:02:41,745 Good, good, because my life is fucking hell! 24 00:02:41,745 --> 00:02:44,039 And I can't take your shit on, too. 25 00:02:44,039 --> 00:02:45,332 I can't do it. 26 00:02:45,332 --> 00:02:46,834 I won't do it. 27 00:02:46,834 --> 00:02:49,044 I've been sober for five years. 28 00:02:49,044 --> 00:02:50,838 [CROWD CHEERING] 29 00:02:50,838 --> 00:02:51,922 That's a fucking lie. 30 00:02:51,922 --> 00:02:53,298 I haven't had sex in that long. 31 00:02:53,298 --> 00:02:54,716 It's just nobody claps for that. 32 00:02:54,716 --> 00:02:57,386 [CROWD LAUGHS] 33 00:02:57,386 --> 00:03:00,347 I got, I got a little too thick for my liking during COVID. 34 00:03:01,014 --> 00:03:02,307 Anybody else? 35 00:03:02,307 --> 00:03:04,184 You know, just trying to lose a little weight? 36 00:03:04,184 --> 00:03:05,853 Get a little COVID 15 off? 37 00:03:05,853 --> 00:03:06,937 I've been doing it. 38 00:03:06,937 --> 00:03:08,522 I think I've done pretty well. 39 00:03:08,522 --> 00:03:11,108 You see? I think I'm doing all right. Thanks. 40 00:03:11,108 --> 00:03:14,987 You know, I mean, everybody likes themselves in a different way. 41 00:03:14,987 --> 00:03:16,822 I just, you know, like myself this way. 42 00:03:16,822 --> 00:03:20,868 But it's weird. It's like... then there's this little spot right here. 43 00:03:20,868 --> 00:03:22,160 Bop! 44 00:03:22,160 --> 00:03:23,120 It's right here. 45 00:03:24,162 --> 00:03:25,205 Bop! 46 00:03:26,164 --> 00:03:28,458 See it? 47 00:03:28,458 --> 00:03:31,128 I don't know what the fuck that is. What is that? 48 00:03:31,128 --> 00:03:32,337 How does that... 49 00:03:32,337 --> 00:03:34,631 I don't... It just won't go away. 50 00:03:34,631 --> 00:03:36,508 I don't... I try to exercise it. 51 00:03:36,508 --> 00:03:40,971 I'm like... That doesn't do shit. 52 00:03:40,971 --> 00:03:43,724 Doing the deep knee bends standing up, that doesn't do anything. 53 00:03:44,808 --> 00:03:47,811 I start slapping it, but I'm too... 54 00:03:47,811 --> 00:03:49,521 Too old. I don't even feel that. 55 00:03:50,522 --> 00:03:51,773 I don't know what. 56 00:03:51,773 --> 00:03:55,277 I don't know what the... bop! 57 00:03:55,277 --> 00:03:58,697 I've had... I'm 58-years-old, and I've had this pussy for 40 years, 58 00:03:58,697 --> 00:04:03,076 and I don't know what... This fucker is doing math. 59 00:04:03,076 --> 00:04:04,703 [CROWD LAUGHS] 60 00:04:04,703 --> 00:04:07,956 Okay. He's kicked his shoes off because he can't count right. 61 00:04:07,956 --> 00:04:09,833 He's like, "58 minus 40, 62 00:04:09,833 --> 00:04:14,630 "carry the one. Oh my God, I hope she doesn't make me show my work. Oh." 63 00:04:14,630 --> 00:04:16,173 Don't worry, honey. I'm showing my work. 64 00:04:16,173 --> 00:04:18,008 You don't have to show yours. Okay? 65 00:04:18,008 --> 00:04:19,635 [CROWD CHEERING] 66 00:04:19,635 --> 00:04:21,845 Thank you. 67 00:04:21,845 --> 00:04:23,805 Um, but, you know, here's the thing. 68 00:04:25,390 --> 00:04:27,643 58-years-old, and this is only 40. 69 00:04:27,643 --> 00:04:31,021 These are only three years old, so stop staring at em', you fucking pedophile. 70 00:04:31,021 --> 00:04:32,439 Okay? 71 00:04:33,357 --> 00:04:35,692 The show is down here. okay? 72 00:04:35,692 --> 00:04:36,777 Freak. 73 00:04:39,696 --> 00:04:41,532 I don't know what's going on. 74 00:04:41,532 --> 00:04:44,159 I've had a lot of plastic surgery, as you can tell. 75 00:04:44,159 --> 00:04:46,328 Since I speak of a lot, I've had a lot. 76 00:04:46,328 --> 00:04:48,330 I don't care. I know my issues. 77 00:04:48,330 --> 00:04:51,708 I think part of life is owning your issues and looking your demons in the face, 78 00:04:51,708 --> 00:04:52,960 and dealing with it. 79 00:04:52,960 --> 00:04:54,253 Okay? I know... 80 00:04:54,253 --> 00:04:55,754 Thank you. I know what I look like. 81 00:04:55,754 --> 00:04:57,381 I know what I got going on here. 82 00:04:57,381 --> 00:05:00,300 I look like a<i> Where's Waldo</i> and Joan Rivers had a hate fuck 83 00:05:00,300 --> 00:05:02,678 - at the gathering of the Juggalos, okay? - [CROWD LAUGHS] 84 00:05:04,471 --> 00:05:06,765 And then let Ted Bundy raise that child. 85 00:05:08,141 --> 00:05:09,935 I know my issues. 86 00:05:09,935 --> 00:05:13,438 What I'm saying is, is if you ordered Jennifer Coolidge off of Wish... 87 00:05:16,483 --> 00:05:18,694 This is what would fucking come, okay? 88 00:05:19,361 --> 00:05:21,029 This right here. 89 00:05:21,029 --> 00:05:23,532 Okay? And it would take me a year to come as well. 90 00:05:25,701 --> 00:05:27,327 He's ordered from Wish before. 91 00:05:27,327 --> 00:05:29,580 So you know that that shit takes forever. 92 00:05:30,414 --> 00:05:31,582 Takes forever. 93 00:05:31,582 --> 00:05:33,375 I was on that show<i> Botched.</i> 94 00:05:33,375 --> 00:05:34,459 You know that<i> Botched?</i> 95 00:05:34,459 --> 00:05:36,295 [CROWD CHEERING] 96 00:05:36,295 --> 00:05:37,337 Here's the thing, um... 97 00:05:38,463 --> 00:05:39,882 I was married, right? 98 00:05:39,882 --> 00:05:42,342 And it was a very bad marriage. It was horrible. 99 00:05:42,342 --> 00:05:45,387 And then I got divorced. It was a horrible fucking divorce. 100 00:05:45,387 --> 00:05:48,098 And when it was all said and done, I learned shit about him 101 00:05:48,098 --> 00:05:49,433 I did not know. 102 00:05:49,433 --> 00:05:52,186 I found out things, like, he did lots of drugs. 103 00:05:52,186 --> 00:05:54,813 Didn't know it. Cheated on me left and right. 104 00:05:54,813 --> 00:05:56,064 Didn't know it. 105 00:05:56,064 --> 00:05:57,691 He was into S&M. 106 00:05:57,691 --> 00:05:59,735 Didn't know it. 107 00:05:59,735 --> 00:06:03,530 I mean, looking back, I wish I had known when we were married, he was into S&M. 108 00:06:03,530 --> 00:06:06,617 Not because I am into S&M, but in retro... retrospective, 109 00:06:06,617 --> 00:06:09,203 it would've been nice to beat the fuck out of him once in a while. 110 00:06:09,203 --> 00:06:11,038 [CROWD LAUGHS] 111 00:06:11,038 --> 00:06:11,997 Fucker. 112 00:06:12,789 --> 00:06:14,833 So I... here's the thing. 113 00:06:14,833 --> 00:06:17,211 I wanted to feel good about myself afterwards. 114 00:06:17,211 --> 00:06:19,630 I wanted to feel more youthful. 115 00:06:19,630 --> 00:06:21,173 I wanted to feel rejuvenated. 116 00:06:21,173 --> 00:06:22,257 I wanted to feel relaxed. 117 00:06:22,257 --> 00:06:23,675 I wanted a vacation. 118 00:06:23,675 --> 00:06:26,011 But I also wanted to, like I said, feel rejuvenated. 119 00:06:26,011 --> 00:06:30,390 So... If you want something, something bad happens to you 120 00:06:30,390 --> 00:06:32,476 and you want to feel rejuvenated, 121 00:06:32,476 --> 00:06:35,437 by all means, go have a little plastic surgery. 122 00:06:35,437 --> 00:06:38,148 Okay? If you want to look surprised all the time, because that's what you think 123 00:06:38,148 --> 00:06:41,401 that's how the young kids look, fucking do it. 124 00:06:41,401 --> 00:06:44,738 You want to go on vacation after some shit happens, go on vacation. 125 00:06:44,738 --> 00:06:46,031 Just trust me, 126 00:06:46,031 --> 00:06:48,659 and don't combine the two and go down to Mexico. 127 00:06:48,659 --> 00:06:50,285 [CROWD LAUGHS] 128 00:06:52,037 --> 00:06:55,457 That's where I fucked up. 129 00:06:55,457 --> 00:06:58,877 I came back and people were walking up to me, going, "Hey, girl, how was... 130 00:06:58,877 --> 00:07:00,087 "oh, tramp!" [GROANS] 131 00:07:00,087 --> 00:07:03,131 "Oh. fuck. Oh, my God. 132 00:07:03,966 --> 00:07:06,468 "Oh, I can't. 133 00:07:06,468 --> 00:07:10,848 "I love you and I want to know, but I don't, literally, can't. Just email me, please." 134 00:07:13,559 --> 00:07:15,519 So I ended up spending 135 00:07:15,519 --> 00:07:17,437 thousands and thousands and thousands of dollars, 136 00:07:17,437 --> 00:07:18,647 had, like, eight or nine surgeries. 137 00:07:18,647 --> 00:07:20,482 And I'm happy I ended up like this. 138 00:07:20,482 --> 00:07:23,527 I'm happy-ish. I've got other issues, but this is not one of them now. 139 00:07:24,152 --> 00:07:26,071 I'm okay. 140 00:07:26,071 --> 00:07:29,241 I mean, no longer do little children walk up to me and go... 141 00:07:29,241 --> 00:07:30,325 [YELLS] 142 00:07:33,036 --> 00:07:37,875 No, what happens now is people walk up to me and they go, 143 00:07:37,875 --> 00:07:42,129 "Oh, my God, you look like that famous person. 144 00:07:42,129 --> 00:07:45,465 "That famous person. What's their name? What's their name?" 145 00:07:45,465 --> 00:07:47,509 I'm like, "Barbara Eden from<i> I Dream of Jeannie?"</i> 146 00:07:47,509 --> 00:07:49,136 [CROWD LAUGHS] 147 00:07:49,136 --> 00:07:52,055 "No, that famous person, that famous person. 148 00:07:52,055 --> 00:07:54,141 "What's her name?" I'm like... 149 00:07:54,141 --> 00:07:56,143 "Stiffler's mom? Jennifer Coolidge?" 150 00:07:56,143 --> 00:07:58,520 "No! That famous person. 151 00:07:58,520 --> 00:08:01,231 "That famous person. What's their name?" 152 00:08:01,231 --> 00:08:02,608 "Gary Busey." 153 00:08:02,608 --> 00:08:04,234 CROWD: Oh! 154 00:08:05,152 --> 00:08:07,321 Don't say, "Oh." I live in L.A. 155 00:08:07,321 --> 00:08:10,365 That's a credit on a resume and a job like that. 156 00:08:10,365 --> 00:08:12,784 [CROWD LAUGHS] 157 00:08:12,784 --> 00:08:15,204 Y'all should know it's not what you got. 158 00:08:15,204 --> 00:08:16,663 It's what you do with it. 159 00:08:18,332 --> 00:08:22,252 Good Lord. People stop me on the street all the time. 160 00:08:22,252 --> 00:08:24,588 And they're like, "Are you a man or a woman?" 161 00:08:24,588 --> 00:08:25,547 I look at them and say, "Yes." 162 00:08:28,509 --> 00:08:30,719 I am. I am. 163 00:08:30,719 --> 00:08:32,304 I always wanted to be on TV growing up. 164 00:08:32,304 --> 00:08:33,805 Here's the thing, I think most of us have. 165 00:08:33,805 --> 00:08:36,225 It's L. A. That's... we're in the industry. 166 00:08:36,225 --> 00:08:40,270 I think I've always wanted to be on TV, but I didn't know it was going to be<i> Botched.</i> 167 00:08:40,938 --> 00:08:42,397 I really didn't. 168 00:08:42,397 --> 00:08:44,942 I thought it'd be something more like, I don't know, 169 00:08:44,942 --> 00:08:47,319 the<i> Real Housewives</i> <i>of the Oakwood Trailer Court.</i> 170 00:08:47,319 --> 00:08:49,321 [CROWD LAUGHS] 171 00:08:50,822 --> 00:08:52,282 <i>American "Ho" Story.</i> 172 00:08:53,992 --> 00:08:55,244 <i>The Deadliest Snatch.</i> 173 00:08:55,244 --> 00:08:57,663 [CROWD LAUGHS] 174 00:08:57,663 --> 00:09:00,582 At this point, I would settle for<i> House hunters:</i> <i>Meth lab edition, </i>okay? 175 00:09:00,582 --> 00:09:02,417 Anything but<i> Botched.</i> 176 00:09:02,417 --> 00:09:05,337 I just can't. Anything but<i> Botched.</i> 177 00:09:05,337 --> 00:09:07,422 I think the hardest part 178 00:09:07,422 --> 00:09:09,299 about having plastic surgery 179 00:09:09,299 --> 00:09:12,010 is people who want to compare stories with you. 180 00:09:12,010 --> 00:09:15,806 Right? Okay, for instance, I was in the store the other day, 181 00:09:15,806 --> 00:09:17,599 and this woman walked up to me and she's like, 182 00:09:22,437 --> 00:09:25,107 "Oh, my God! 183 00:09:27,442 --> 00:09:29,027 "You've had some work done, haven't you? 184 00:09:29,027 --> 00:09:32,781 "Me, too. What a coincidence! 185 00:09:32,781 --> 00:09:35,659 "Oh, my God, I've had my eyebrows lifted 22 times. 186 00:09:35,659 --> 00:09:37,327 "My lower lids done 18 times. 187 00:09:37,327 --> 00:09:39,288 "I've had rhinoplasty. That's a nose job 188 00:09:39,288 --> 00:09:40,914 "if you didn't know, I've had 14 of those. 189 00:09:40,914 --> 00:09:44,084 "I've had eight cheek implants, nine chin... chin implants, 190 00:09:44,084 --> 00:09:47,713 "37 injections to my upper lip, 42 to my lower lip. 191 00:09:47,713 --> 00:09:51,842 "26 breast jobs and 320 ribs removed. Next week, 192 00:09:51,842 --> 00:09:53,594 "I'm gonna go have my asshole bleached." 193 00:09:55,512 --> 00:09:56,680 I was like, "Bitch, 194 00:09:57,556 --> 00:09:58,682 "I'm tired hearing about it." 195 00:09:59,725 --> 00:10:01,435 She said, "What's wrong, honey?" 196 00:10:01,435 --> 00:10:04,146 "Have you never heard of an asshole bleaching?" 197 00:10:04,146 --> 00:10:07,524 I'm, like, "I have. But I can't imagine you as a blonde lady." 198 00:10:07,524 --> 00:10:08,901 [CROWD LAUGHS] 199 00:10:09,985 --> 00:10:10,944 Fuckin' bitch. 200 00:10:13,030 --> 00:10:14,364 I've had so many boob jobs 201 00:10:15,657 --> 00:10:18,785 that these are actually under warranty. 202 00:10:18,785 --> 00:10:23,624 They are. I have two little red cards that have registered them on the Internet with. 203 00:10:23,624 --> 00:10:26,460 I have a warranty for my fucking breast implants. 204 00:10:27,753 --> 00:10:29,004 Yeah. Okay. Thanks. 205 00:10:29,004 --> 00:10:30,797 It's good, but what the fuck do I do with it? 206 00:10:30,797 --> 00:10:33,509 I don't understand how this works. What am I supposed to say? 207 00:10:33,509 --> 00:10:37,054 "Well, doc, this left one's just kind of like looking a little tired, you know? 208 00:10:37,054 --> 00:10:40,098 "It's a little... laying down a little wrong. 209 00:10:40,098 --> 00:10:42,392 "They're looking at each other funny. Can you fix it?" 210 00:10:42,392 --> 00:10:43,769 What do you do with it? 211 00:10:43,769 --> 00:10:45,479 [CROWD LAUGHS] 212 00:10:47,314 --> 00:10:49,441 Because I'm a fucking liberal snowflake. 213 00:10:49,441 --> 00:10:51,068 [CROWD LAUGHS] 214 00:10:53,028 --> 00:10:55,155 Yeah, I think the weirdest thing... 215 00:10:56,532 --> 00:11:00,911 about being trans is... that, okay... 216 00:11:00,911 --> 00:11:04,498 There's nobody else, whether you're Black or white 217 00:11:04,498 --> 00:11:07,751 or Asian or Jewish or Catholic or Muslim, 218 00:11:07,751 --> 00:11:13,590 do you demand to know what that person looks like naked upon first meeting. 219 00:11:13,590 --> 00:11:16,343 - It's true. It's true. - [CROWD CHEERING] 220 00:11:16,343 --> 00:11:20,222 When you're trans, people are just like, "What you got down there? 221 00:11:20,222 --> 00:11:21,890 "You complete? What you got going on down there? 222 00:11:21,890 --> 00:11:24,101 "You have some surgeries? 223 00:11:24,101 --> 00:11:25,477 "Where are you at in the process? 224 00:11:25,477 --> 00:11:26,812 "What's going on? 225 00:11:26,812 --> 00:11:28,814 "You know, I need to know these things, you know. 226 00:11:28,814 --> 00:11:30,482 "It's my constitutional right to know." 227 00:11:30,482 --> 00:11:33,861 I mean, it's not like I can walk up to like some guy, like... 228 00:11:33,861 --> 00:11:38,824 Imagine if I walked up to a American-Asian Pacific Islander, 229 00:11:38,824 --> 00:11:40,742 first off and it was like, 230 00:11:40,742 --> 00:11:41,994 "Hi. Your name's Frank? 231 00:11:41,994 --> 00:11:43,078 "Hey, Frank. 232 00:11:43,078 --> 00:11:44,037 "Is that a dick down there? 233 00:11:45,622 --> 00:11:46,999 "What's... big, little... 234 00:11:48,000 --> 00:11:50,085 "What? Okay. 235 00:11:50,085 --> 00:11:51,336 "Yeah. You got a picture of it? 236 00:11:51,336 --> 00:11:52,838 "What do you got? I kinda need a see. 237 00:11:54,047 --> 00:11:55,132 "So no picture? It's all right. 238 00:11:55,132 --> 00:11:56,758 "You got two balls, though, right? 239 00:11:56,758 --> 00:11:58,218 "Is that what's going on? 240 00:11:58,218 --> 00:11:59,595 "All right, let's have lunch sometime. 241 00:11:59,595 --> 00:12:01,054 "Nice to meet ya." 242 00:12:01,054 --> 00:12:03,640 I mean, what the hell are you supposed to do with that? 243 00:12:03,640 --> 00:12:05,684 It's so weird to me. 244 00:12:05,684 --> 00:12:08,854 It's so strange that everybody wants to know. 245 00:12:08,854 --> 00:12:10,814 They act like we're the perverts. 246 00:12:10,814 --> 00:12:13,066 But all they do is want to know what's down here. 247 00:12:13,066 --> 00:12:16,069 They're the perverts, who are like, "Tell me what it is down there, 248 00:12:16,069 --> 00:12:18,071 "and I'll let you go into that woman's bathroom. 249 00:12:18,071 --> 00:12:20,532 "But you can't be rubbing your shit up against it. 250 00:12:20,532 --> 00:12:21,783 "I know you'd be raping in there." 251 00:12:21,783 --> 00:12:24,828 [CROWD LAUGHS] 252 00:12:24,828 --> 00:12:27,998 "I don't know what it is you're going to be raping with at this point, 253 00:12:27,998 --> 00:12:29,750 "but I know what you're gonna be doing in there. 254 00:12:29,750 --> 00:12:31,418 "So, you know, just cool. 255 00:12:31,418 --> 00:12:33,504 "You just got to go behind that bush over there and pee, 256 00:12:33,504 --> 00:12:35,422 - "'cause I don't know what to tell you." - [CROWD LAUGHS] 257 00:12:35,422 --> 00:12:36,924 "Figure it out yourself. 258 00:12:36,924 --> 00:12:39,218 "I don't know. There ain't no local municipality laws 259 00:12:39,218 --> 00:12:40,636 "for me to figure this one out yet. 260 00:12:40,636 --> 00:12:42,554 "I don't know what's going on." 261 00:12:42,554 --> 00:12:44,681 Gay men are the worst at it. 262 00:12:44,681 --> 00:12:48,894 Gay men who are supposed to be, like, the safest spot in the world, with gay men. 263 00:12:48,894 --> 00:12:51,063 They're actually the worst. They're the ones... 264 00:12:51,063 --> 00:12:52,606 Like, if you're in a room full of gay guys 265 00:12:52,606 --> 00:12:54,858 and straight women and straight guys, 266 00:12:54,858 --> 00:12:56,276 having a good time, 267 00:12:56,276 --> 00:12:57,903 and then you go to leave, 268 00:12:57,903 --> 00:12:59,363 and as you're walking out the door, you hear the gay guy go, 269 00:12:59,363 --> 00:13:01,448 "I know she was real pretty, wasn't she? 270 00:13:01,448 --> 00:13:03,700 "She's real... She's hilarious. I love her. 271 00:13:03,700 --> 00:13:05,702 "Oh, my God, I'm gonna have her at home. 272 00:13:05,702 --> 00:13:07,412 "You know, she was a man. 273 00:13:07,412 --> 00:13:09,540 "I mean, she might not be now... 274 00:13:09,540 --> 00:13:12,000 "I don't know, there could be a dick down there, 275 00:13:12,000 --> 00:13:15,003 "but I don't know if there is, but at one point, there wasn't. 276 00:13:15,003 --> 00:13:16,338 "Or maybe there was. 277 00:13:16,338 --> 00:13:18,966 "I don't... But, you know, that's what's happening. 278 00:13:18,966 --> 00:13:22,761 "Yeah, yeah, it's amazing, isn't it?" 279 00:13:22,761 --> 00:13:25,013 I mean, it's like, what they don't realize, 280 00:13:25,013 --> 00:13:28,392 or maybe they do realize, and as the kids say, "They don't give a fuck." 281 00:13:28,392 --> 00:13:30,185 The D. G. A. F. 282 00:13:30,185 --> 00:13:32,187 But what they don't realize is if they tell a friend, 283 00:13:32,187 --> 00:13:34,773 who that friend's going to tell a friend who's going to tell another friend, 284 00:13:34,773 --> 00:13:37,192 who's going to tell another friend, and before you know it, 285 00:13:37,192 --> 00:13:39,778 some pickup truck with a gun rack 286 00:13:39,778 --> 00:13:42,656 is going to screech to a halt in front of me on the street 287 00:13:42,656 --> 00:13:45,784 and two<i> Duck Dynasty</i> looking motherfuckers are gonna get out going, 288 00:13:47,077 --> 00:13:48,078 "Earl, That's the one. 289 00:13:49,204 --> 00:13:50,539 "See, Earl, look at it. 290 00:13:50,539 --> 00:13:53,166 "It's real. I don't... Look at that, Earl. 291 00:13:53,166 --> 00:13:54,293 "Look at it. 292 00:13:54,293 --> 00:13:56,295 "It is looking like a woman. 293 00:13:56,295 --> 00:13:59,089 "And it's not, okay? It's pissing me off. 294 00:13:59,089 --> 00:14:01,091 "I want to put my dick in it and then kill it. 295 00:14:01,091 --> 00:14:05,053 "And it makes me mad that I want to put my dick in it and then just let's do it. 296 00:14:05,846 --> 00:14:07,431 "What are we doing? 297 00:14:07,431 --> 00:14:09,099 "You know what? Let's just put our dick in it and then kill it. 298 00:14:10,267 --> 00:14:11,768 "Or we could do what you're saying. 299 00:14:11,768 --> 00:14:13,395 "We could kill it and then put our dick in it. 300 00:14:13,395 --> 00:14:14,938 "If it's your turn, I don't care." 301 00:14:14,938 --> 00:14:16,607 [CROWD LAUGHS] 302 00:14:16,607 --> 00:14:19,359 That's the reality of the situation. 303 00:14:19,359 --> 00:14:21,695 That's what fucking happens to us. 304 00:14:21,695 --> 00:14:25,324 I'm one of those people who like... I don't think it's anybody's business 305 00:14:25,324 --> 00:14:27,993 unless I'm going to have sex with you. 306 00:14:27,993 --> 00:14:32,080 Just because you want to have sex with me doesn't mean I'm going to fuck you, okay? 307 00:14:32,831 --> 00:14:35,542 Get over yourself, dude. 308 00:14:35,542 --> 00:14:39,421 But I'm not going to tell you unless we're getting to the point of being intimate. 309 00:14:39,421 --> 00:14:42,299 And it's so weird, because even when I've done that, 310 00:14:42,299 --> 00:14:44,801 There's been guys... like, I told this one guy, he's like... 311 00:14:46,428 --> 00:14:50,224 "That's fucking horrible. Why would you lie like that? 312 00:14:50,224 --> 00:14:54,728 "If you don't want to go out with me, don't make up a horrible lie like that. 313 00:14:54,728 --> 00:14:57,314 "Just tell me you don't want to date me." 314 00:14:57,314 --> 00:14:59,650 And I'm like, "Okay, I don't want to date you." 315 00:14:59,650 --> 00:15:01,235 "Why? What's wrong with me?" 316 00:15:01,235 --> 00:15:03,904 [CROWD LAUGHS] 317 00:15:03,904 --> 00:15:05,739 I'm like, "Nothing. It's on me." And I just left. 318 00:15:07,032 --> 00:15:08,992 Another guy said to me, he said, 319 00:15:08,992 --> 00:15:11,537 "Don't... don't do that. 320 00:15:11,537 --> 00:15:13,539 "Don't, don't, don't change your sex. 321 00:15:13,539 --> 00:15:18,460 "I mean, you cut off that beautiful blonde hair and those beautiful big tits, 322 00:15:18,460 --> 00:15:19,795 "You don't want to cut those off. 323 00:15:19,795 --> 00:15:21,797 "You don't want to change that. 324 00:15:21,797 --> 00:15:25,592 "It cost you way too much money and time and therapy. 325 00:15:25,592 --> 00:15:27,553 "You're just gorgeous the way you are. 326 00:15:27,553 --> 00:15:28,679 "Don't change a thing." 327 00:15:28,679 --> 00:15:29,972 And I went, "Okay, 328 00:15:29,972 --> 00:15:31,265 "I'm not going to. 329 00:15:33,267 --> 00:15:35,978 "I'm not gonna change a fucking thing. 330 00:15:35,978 --> 00:15:38,647 "I'm just gonna not change it over there, Okay?" 331 00:15:40,482 --> 00:15:42,025 Here's the one that always kills me. 332 00:15:42,025 --> 00:15:43,610 Here's the one that I just don't get. 333 00:15:43,610 --> 00:15:45,445 It's so weird to me. 334 00:15:45,445 --> 00:15:47,114 It's like, you know, gotta be like, 335 00:15:47,114 --> 00:15:50,200 "Oh, yeah, I don't have a problem with trans people at all. 336 00:15:50,200 --> 00:15:52,494 "I don't have a problem whatsoever with trans people. 337 00:15:52,494 --> 00:15:54,788 "I think y'all are great. I think you're brave and everything. 338 00:15:54,788 --> 00:15:56,665 "Just, you know, my personal preference, 339 00:15:56,665 --> 00:15:59,585 "I could not date one of you because I don't think 340 00:15:59,585 --> 00:16:02,963 "I could put a square peg in a round hole." 341 00:16:04,464 --> 00:16:07,801 I'm like, "I don't know how many vaginas or assholes 342 00:16:07,801 --> 00:16:11,221 "you've seen in life, dude, but they're all pretty round." 343 00:16:12,890 --> 00:16:15,559 So that leads me to believe you have a condition 344 00:16:15,559 --> 00:16:17,477 you need to go see a doctor about. 345 00:16:20,480 --> 00:16:22,024 How many squares... 346 00:16:22,024 --> 00:16:23,901 Show of hands. How many guys here have a square wiener? 347 00:16:25,444 --> 00:16:26,653 Okay. 348 00:16:26,653 --> 00:16:28,155 All right. Yeah. That's what I thought. 349 00:16:28,155 --> 00:16:29,406 That's what I thought. 350 00:16:29,406 --> 00:16:32,284 I have never once, you know, gone onto Pornhub 351 00:16:32,284 --> 00:16:34,453 and see girlswhosuck squarecocks.com. 352 00:16:34,453 --> 00:16:36,955 [CROWD LAUGHS] 353 00:16:36,955 --> 00:16:39,041 You know, I've never seen the fetish site 354 00:16:39,041 --> 00:16:41,877 for, you know, square pegs in the round hole. 355 00:16:43,212 --> 00:16:44,296 It's just so weird. 356 00:16:44,296 --> 00:16:46,215 It's so fucking strange to me. 357 00:16:46,215 --> 00:16:49,510 I've never even seen a square hot dog at DerWienerschnitzel, 358 00:16:49,510 --> 00:16:51,970 and if anybody would have one, it'd be those bitches. 359 00:16:55,390 --> 00:16:57,601 You know, so that leads me to believe 360 00:16:57,601 --> 00:17:02,314 it's not trans people who need to be shown naked upon first meeting. 361 00:17:02,314 --> 00:17:03,565 It's all you straight men. 362 00:17:03,565 --> 00:17:05,859 Okay? 'Cause you got square dicks out there, 363 00:17:05,859 --> 00:17:06,902 I want to know ahead of time. 364 00:17:08,195 --> 00:17:10,197 It's not me having secrets. 365 00:17:10,197 --> 00:17:12,533 It's you. 366 00:17:12,533 --> 00:17:16,411 I did have a gender confirming surgery or, back in the day when I had it, 367 00:17:16,411 --> 00:17:18,080 it was called a sex change. 368 00:17:18,080 --> 00:17:20,707 And that doesn't give you a right to go and ask any trans person 369 00:17:20,707 --> 00:17:22,417 you meet with what they have done. 370 00:17:22,417 --> 00:17:25,963 I am offering this information of my own free will, okay? 371 00:17:25,963 --> 00:17:31,301 It is not an open invitation for you just to go, "What you got?" 372 00:17:31,301 --> 00:17:32,261 No. 373 00:17:33,095 --> 00:17:35,180 So I had it done 374 00:17:35,180 --> 00:17:38,225 and the weirdest thing was, like the second day afterwards, 375 00:17:38,225 --> 00:17:40,727 the doctor is changing the bandage, 376 00:17:40,727 --> 00:17:42,020 and he touched me in a certain way, 377 00:17:42,020 --> 00:17:43,105 and I was just like... 378 00:17:43,105 --> 00:17:45,941 [BREATH TREMBLING] 379 00:17:45,941 --> 00:17:49,194 I had a fucking orgasm on the second day. 380 00:17:49,194 --> 00:17:51,697 It was just like, I mean, it was incredible, 381 00:17:51,697 --> 00:17:55,409 but it was shocking because, I mean, I always 382 00:17:55,409 --> 00:17:59,496 envisioned my first orgasm as a woman to be done 383 00:17:59,496 --> 00:18:02,916 by a 6-foot-2 Jason Momoa looking motherfucker, 384 00:18:04,626 --> 00:18:09,214 who said to me in a very deep, calming bass voice afterwards, 385 00:18:09,214 --> 00:18:11,049 "That's how you do it, baby. 386 00:18:11,049 --> 00:18:12,009 "That's right." 387 00:18:13,343 --> 00:18:16,680 Not some 5-foot-1 65-year-old Thai doctor 388 00:18:16,680 --> 00:18:19,141 who looked at me and said, "I think you come." [LAUGHS]" 389 00:18:19,141 --> 00:18:21,059 [CROWD LAUGHS] 390 00:18:24,897 --> 00:18:26,732 I guess we take what we can get. 391 00:18:29,443 --> 00:18:31,904 It's working. That's all that matters, isn't it? 392 00:18:32,779 --> 00:18:34,364 In '70s America, 393 00:18:34,364 --> 00:18:36,617 when I grew up, there was only two avenues to go to 394 00:18:36,617 --> 00:18:38,118 if you were different. 395 00:18:38,118 --> 00:18:40,204 If you were, you know, they didn't even have the "trans." 396 00:18:40,204 --> 00:18:42,831 They were like, you know, faggot. 397 00:18:42,831 --> 00:18:46,293 So there's only two avenues to go to, one of them being the church. 398 00:18:46,293 --> 00:18:49,296 And since the age of 12, I was raped by a clergyman, 399 00:18:49,296 --> 00:18:51,048 I couldn't really go there. 400 00:18:51,048 --> 00:18:53,717 It was... Now, it's okay. Don't give me this "aw" look. 401 00:18:53,717 --> 00:18:57,638 It was either, you know, have him diddle me or have the neighborhood guys 402 00:18:57,638 --> 00:18:59,681 beat the fuck out of me every Wednesday, you know? 403 00:18:59,681 --> 00:19:01,808 And at least the priest had refreshments. 404 00:19:01,808 --> 00:19:03,894 [CROWD LAUGHS] 405 00:19:06,730 --> 00:19:10,234 You know? And with the priest, you know, there wasn't blood. 406 00:19:11,318 --> 00:19:12,486 At first. 407 00:19:12,486 --> 00:19:13,946 I mean, there's always a little at first. 408 00:19:13,946 --> 00:19:16,114 After a while, there wasn't. 409 00:19:16,114 --> 00:19:21,078 So I went to the only other avenue you could have, which was drugs. 410 00:19:21,078 --> 00:19:23,288 My mother went through an early menopause 411 00:19:23,288 --> 00:19:28,168 and she had every kind of controlled substance imaginable. 412 00:19:28,168 --> 00:19:34,466 Valium, Librium, Demerol, Daporols, Darvocets, Darvons, Percocets, Percodans, 413 00:19:34,466 --> 00:19:37,010 Hydrocodones, Bang the gong. Give the dog a bone. 414 00:19:37,010 --> 00:19:39,513 I don't know what the fuck she had. She had them all. 415 00:19:39,513 --> 00:19:42,432 All of them, you know, because that was the time 416 00:19:42,432 --> 00:19:44,518 when, you know, you went through an early menopause as a woman, 417 00:19:44,518 --> 00:19:47,062 the doctor was always a man and he'd be like... 418 00:19:47,062 --> 00:19:49,356 [MIMICKING SMOKING] "Bitch is crazy. 419 00:19:51,984 --> 00:19:53,819 "I don't know. 420 00:19:53,819 --> 00:19:55,654 "I don't know nothing about woman's bodies. 421 00:19:55,654 --> 00:19:59,783 "They're just strange and they got a lot of shit going on down there. 422 00:19:59,783 --> 00:20:02,661 "It's a... It's like a cavern with all these crevices. 423 00:20:02,661 --> 00:20:07,291 "I... I don't know how to treat that shit, and we'll just give them drugs. 424 00:20:07,291 --> 00:20:08,667 "Just give her drugs. Calm her down. 425 00:20:08,667 --> 00:20:10,878 "She's insane. She's crazy. 426 00:20:10,878 --> 00:20:12,254 "I mean, I wish she was just a man. 427 00:20:12,254 --> 00:20:15,424 "It would be easier to treat her. 428 00:20:15,424 --> 00:20:18,010 "Yes, I'm smoking. I'm a doctor in the '70s and I smoke." 429 00:20:20,762 --> 00:20:23,307 You could smoke in the hospital, too, back then... 430 00:20:24,433 --> 00:20:26,768 as a patient. 431 00:20:26,768 --> 00:20:28,937 You could. That's when America was great, 432 00:20:28,937 --> 00:20:30,981 you had to pull yourself up by the bootstraps. 433 00:20:33,233 --> 00:20:34,693 I mean, you could tell anyone you wanted 434 00:20:34,693 --> 00:20:36,612 what your problem was, but nobody fucking believed you. 435 00:20:36,612 --> 00:20:38,447 Just, "Get out of here, faggot!" 436 00:20:40,532 --> 00:20:43,243 You know, it's a... 437 00:20:43,243 --> 00:20:47,664 I think I got stoned for the first time when I was 11, 438 00:20:47,664 --> 00:20:52,169 but then at 12 I think, it was by my older brother who was babysitting me. 439 00:20:52,169 --> 00:20:53,837 And he got drunk. 440 00:20:53,837 --> 00:20:56,673 And he didn't want me to tell mom and dad that he was drunk. 441 00:20:56,673 --> 00:20:59,176 Plus, I was being a sissy, so he beat the fuck out of me. 442 00:20:59,176 --> 00:21:01,053 So he got me really stoned. 443 00:21:01,053 --> 00:21:03,180 So I wouldn't tell mom and dad. 444 00:21:03,180 --> 00:21:04,598 And it worked, because by the time 445 00:21:04,598 --> 00:21:07,809 he got me so fucking stoned, I didn't feel no pain. 446 00:21:07,809 --> 00:21:10,604 I didn't know who mom and dad were at that point. 447 00:21:10,604 --> 00:21:13,106 [CROWD CHEERING] 448 00:21:15,526 --> 00:21:17,361 I remember coming home one night 449 00:21:18,403 --> 00:21:19,738 high as a kite. 450 00:21:19,738 --> 00:21:21,532 I think it was like 15. 451 00:21:21,532 --> 00:21:25,953 I was so stoned and I came home and my mother came out of her room 452 00:21:25,953 --> 00:21:29,331 and said, "You've been drinking. 453 00:21:29,331 --> 00:21:31,583 "I can smell that whiskey on you." 454 00:21:31,583 --> 00:21:34,336 I haven't had a drop to drink. 455 00:21:36,922 --> 00:21:38,006 "Don't lie to me. 456 00:21:38,006 --> 00:21:40,384 "Don't you lie to me. 457 00:21:40,384 --> 00:21:42,302 "I know, I can smell the whiskey on you..." 458 00:21:42,302 --> 00:21:44,805 [LAUGHS] 459 00:21:45,806 --> 00:21:48,267 "I swear to God..." [LAUGHS] 460 00:21:51,270 --> 00:21:53,730 "Don't lie to me." "I'm not lying to you." 461 00:21:53,730 --> 00:21:56,024 But she slapped me for lying to her, 462 00:21:56,024 --> 00:21:59,528 which made me laugh harder, which made her slap me harder. 463 00:21:59,528 --> 00:22:01,321 Which made me laugh harder. 464 00:22:01,321 --> 00:22:03,240 And then she went on and on for a while until finally she stopped. 465 00:22:03,240 --> 00:22:06,535 She goes... [GASPS] "Oh, my God, 466 00:22:07,953 --> 00:22:10,038 "you're into that Eminem shit." 467 00:22:11,164 --> 00:22:14,293 And I'm like, "Eminem?" 468 00:22:14,293 --> 00:22:17,296 [LAUGHS] "What are you talking..." 469 00:22:17,296 --> 00:22:21,008 "You know, when people hit each other and they like it sexually." 470 00:22:21,008 --> 00:22:22,259 [ALL LAUGHING] 471 00:22:24,136 --> 00:22:26,680 "I think you mean S&M, mom." 472 00:22:26,680 --> 00:22:29,183 She's like, "See, I told you you're drunk. 473 00:22:29,183 --> 00:22:32,352 "You slurred your words when you said Eminem." 474 00:22:32,352 --> 00:22:35,856 They say a woman is attracted to men who are just like their dads. 475 00:22:35,856 --> 00:22:41,320 I blame a lot, and not all, I blame a lot of my problems 476 00:22:41,320 --> 00:22:44,615 with dating on my bio-father. 477 00:22:44,615 --> 00:22:47,659 Okay, My real father. There's other things that happened, 478 00:22:47,659 --> 00:22:48,952 but I blame the majority on him. 479 00:22:48,952 --> 00:22:51,496 So what... I guess what I want to say is, 480 00:22:51,496 --> 00:22:55,083 If there's any guys out there who got a woman pregnant 481 00:22:55,083 --> 00:22:58,587 and then left that woman and went to another woman 482 00:22:58,587 --> 00:23:01,840 who had two kids of her own, got her pregnant, 483 00:23:01,840 --> 00:23:04,593 And then the night the baby's original baby's mama 484 00:23:04,593 --> 00:23:08,388 was going to get married, went and tried to steal 485 00:23:08,388 --> 00:23:12,726 that first baby with a handgun pointed at the first baby's mama, 486 00:23:12,726 --> 00:23:16,355 but his brother in law went up behind him with a 2x4, hit him over the head, 487 00:23:16,355 --> 00:23:20,943 he passed out cold, but he woke up before the cops came and then he took 488 00:23:20,943 --> 00:23:25,030 and he ran across the country and started another whole family 489 00:23:25,030 --> 00:23:27,199 with the second woman and didn't think about 490 00:23:27,199 --> 00:23:29,493 that child he tried to steal for 30 years... 491 00:23:30,410 --> 00:23:31,703 come see me after the show. 492 00:23:31,703 --> 00:23:33,121 [CROWD LAUGHS] 493 00:23:35,707 --> 00:23:36,667 Tweet me. 494 00:23:39,503 --> 00:23:43,507 I had this one guy once, so weird. 495 00:23:43,507 --> 00:23:46,426 He said to me, he was, like, he's ready to put it in 496 00:23:46,426 --> 00:23:49,721 and he looks at me in the eye, very lovingly, 497 00:23:49,721 --> 00:23:53,600 and he says, "You can be vulnerable with me." 498 00:23:54,810 --> 00:23:56,562 And I just looked up at him 499 00:23:56,562 --> 00:23:59,773 and I looked him in the eye and I said, "Get the fuck out of here. 500 00:23:59,773 --> 00:24:01,608 "That's some serial killer talk right there." 501 00:24:01,608 --> 00:24:03,277 [CROWD LAUGHS] 502 00:24:03,277 --> 00:24:04,987 Fuck that. 503 00:24:04,987 --> 00:24:07,197 Be vulnerable with you? 504 00:24:07,197 --> 00:24:09,241 What am I? How do you answer that? 505 00:24:10,701 --> 00:24:12,119 Really? What do you say to that? 506 00:24:12,119 --> 00:24:14,204 Am I supposed to like after the 7th pump go, 507 00:24:14,204 --> 00:24:17,749 "When I was 12, my uncle put two fingers into my butt." 508 00:24:17,749 --> 00:24:19,585 I can't answer that. 509 00:24:22,129 --> 00:24:24,506 I don't know. 510 00:24:24,506 --> 00:24:26,967 I had this other guy that we went back to my house 511 00:24:26,967 --> 00:24:29,511 because it was the first date, and that's what sluts like me do. 512 00:24:31,346 --> 00:24:33,432 And we did the dirty, and after it was done, 513 00:24:33,432 --> 00:24:36,435 I went to the bathroom, and when I came back, he was still there. 514 00:24:36,435 --> 00:24:40,772 But he had gone into my closet and he decided to wear a complete outfit of mine, 515 00:24:40,772 --> 00:24:42,733 [CROWD LAUGHS] 516 00:24:44,526 --> 00:24:46,445 Wear a complete outfit of mine, 517 00:24:46,445 --> 00:24:50,157 laying in my bed, pitching a tent with my clothes on, 518 00:24:50,157 --> 00:24:51,200 and I'm just like... 519 00:24:52,284 --> 00:24:54,494 [STAMMERS] 520 00:24:57,497 --> 00:24:58,916 "...Stand up. 521 00:24:59,875 --> 00:25:02,085 What are you thinking? 522 00:25:02,085 --> 00:25:03,670 "Those shoes with that skirt and that top. 523 00:25:03,670 --> 00:25:04,630 "Come on, let's pick again." 524 00:25:06,965 --> 00:25:09,426 Okay. What I'm saying is I don't want vulnerability, 525 00:25:09,426 --> 00:25:10,802 but you fuckers better match. 526 00:25:10,802 --> 00:25:11,762 Okay? 527 00:25:12,471 --> 00:25:15,182 Even I have limits. 528 00:25:15,182 --> 00:25:19,811 I dated this man recently and he said to me, he said, "Don't google me..." 529 00:25:20,354 --> 00:25:22,314 [CROWD LAUGHS] 530 00:25:25,275 --> 00:25:26,902 All the women know what's coming. 531 00:25:28,403 --> 00:25:30,155 He said, "Don't google me. 532 00:25:30,155 --> 00:25:31,990 "I want to be the one to tell you the truth." 533 00:25:34,451 --> 00:25:37,871 I know. That's what I thought, too. 534 00:25:37,871 --> 00:25:39,998 Finally, an honest man in this world. 535 00:25:39,998 --> 00:25:41,500 [CROWD LAUGHS] 536 00:25:43,836 --> 00:25:46,338 What he said to me was, he said, "I've been away for a while." 537 00:25:47,464 --> 00:25:48,757 And I'm like, "Florida?" 538 00:25:50,342 --> 00:25:53,762 "No, I've been away for a while." 539 00:25:55,764 --> 00:25:58,684 "Europe." "No. No. 540 00:25:58,684 --> 00:26:02,771 "I was away for 17 years and I had to wear orange." 541 00:26:02,771 --> 00:26:04,982 "What the fuck were you doing in China?" 542 00:26:06,817 --> 00:26:10,737 He said, "What had happened was..." He belonged to a gang, 543 00:26:10,737 --> 00:26:14,449 and he was the strong arm money collector guy, 544 00:26:14,449 --> 00:26:17,911 and he went out to do his job and things went awry. 545 00:26:19,037 --> 00:26:20,414 And he ended up killing somebody. 546 00:26:21,665 --> 00:26:23,876 Yeah, he was away for murder. 547 00:26:23,876 --> 00:26:25,627 True story. And I'm just like, "Tuesday... 548 00:26:26,503 --> 00:26:27,963 "You're such an asshole. 549 00:26:27,963 --> 00:26:29,131 "Why do you always go with these... 550 00:26:29,131 --> 00:26:30,257 "It's because of your father. 551 00:26:30,257 --> 00:26:32,551 "And you need to break that chain, okay? 552 00:26:32,551 --> 00:26:34,344 "You need to change your whole life. 553 00:26:34,344 --> 00:26:36,805 "Stop dating these men that are like your father. 554 00:26:36,805 --> 00:26:38,724 "Change it up, get rid of the bad boys. 555 00:26:38,724 --> 00:26:41,101 "You live in LA, get a life coach." 556 00:26:41,101 --> 00:26:43,061 [CROWD LAUGHS] 557 00:26:43,061 --> 00:26:45,480 "You know, do something. 558 00:26:45,480 --> 00:26:46,982 "There's an Erewhon around the corner. 559 00:26:46,982 --> 00:26:50,485 "Get some kale. Something. Stop this shit." 560 00:26:50,485 --> 00:26:52,571 But then I thought to myself, "You know what? 561 00:26:52,571 --> 00:26:54,615 "The sex is good and you've got to go sometime. 562 00:26:54,615 --> 00:26:56,033 "Let's do this shit." 563 00:26:57,034 --> 00:26:58,577 [GRUNTS ANIMATEDLY] 564 00:26:58,577 --> 00:26:59,661 So I did. 565 00:26:59,661 --> 00:27:01,079 I went out with him for a while 566 00:27:01,079 --> 00:27:03,665 and you know, after a bit, 'cause I'm not an idiot, 567 00:27:03,665 --> 00:27:05,125 I did google him. 568 00:27:05,125 --> 00:27:07,044 And he had lied to me. 569 00:27:07,044 --> 00:27:08,504 He had lied to me. 570 00:27:08,504 --> 00:27:10,839 What had happened was he had kidnapped somebody. 571 00:27:10,839 --> 00:27:14,593 He had held them for ransom, changed his mind, 572 00:27:14,593 --> 00:27:16,011 let them go. 573 00:27:16,011 --> 00:27:17,638 And they turned evidence on him. 574 00:27:18,639 --> 00:27:20,265 That's the real story. 575 00:27:20,265 --> 00:27:22,017 And I'm just, like, when I saw him next, 576 00:27:22,017 --> 00:27:23,560 I was like, "Yeah, Yeah. 577 00:27:24,770 --> 00:27:26,104 "I googled you. 578 00:27:26,104 --> 00:27:28,148 "I did it. I googled you. 579 00:27:28,148 --> 00:27:29,233 "It's done, it's over. 580 00:27:29,233 --> 00:27:30,609 "I'm not going to date you anymore. 581 00:27:30,609 --> 00:27:31,985 "It's over. I can't date you. 582 00:27:31,985 --> 00:27:33,278 "I googled you. I know the truth. 583 00:27:33,278 --> 00:27:34,446 "I know you lied to me." 584 00:27:34,446 --> 00:27:38,033 He looked at me and he said, "Oh my God, 585 00:27:38,033 --> 00:27:40,160 Would you rather I have killed somebody?" 586 00:27:41,870 --> 00:27:45,332 And I'm like, "Fuck, yeah, at least that way I know you could commit 587 00:27:45,332 --> 00:27:47,543 "and follow through with something in life." 588 00:27:47,543 --> 00:27:50,379 [CROWD CHEERING] 589 00:27:50,379 --> 00:27:51,630 Yeah. 590 00:27:51,630 --> 00:27:53,298 The ladies know what I'm talking about. 591 00:27:53,298 --> 00:27:55,008 We need that follow through. 592 00:27:55,801 --> 00:27:57,803 Jesus Christ! 593 00:27:57,803 --> 00:28:00,722 A guy walked up to me on the street and he looked at me right here, he said, 594 00:28:00,722 --> 00:28:03,600 "Are those transplants?" I'm like, "Yeah, I got them off 595 00:28:03,600 --> 00:28:05,644 "a dead hooker down by the docks." 596 00:28:05,644 --> 00:28:09,064 How do you answer these people? 597 00:28:09,064 --> 00:28:12,943 How do you respond to these morons? 598 00:28:12,943 --> 00:28:15,195 It got me thinking how stupid people are. 599 00:28:15,195 --> 00:28:17,447 Mostly, I love... I love men, okay? 600 00:28:17,447 --> 00:28:19,199 But y'all kinda dumb. 601 00:28:19,199 --> 00:28:20,993 Made me think about a few years ago, 602 00:28:20,993 --> 00:28:22,578 how Michael Douglas was. 603 00:28:22,578 --> 00:28:24,371 You remember Michael Douglas, the actor? 604 00:28:24,371 --> 00:28:27,666 And he was like... Remember Catherine Zeta Jones? 605 00:28:27,666 --> 00:28:32,546 He said he got mouth cancer from cunnilungus. Yeah, he did. 606 00:28:32,546 --> 00:28:35,424 Michael Douglas got mouth cancer from eating pussy. 607 00:28:37,342 --> 00:28:40,220 I'm like, "What next? Blowjobs causing Alzheimer's?" 608 00:28:40,220 --> 00:28:42,055 [CROWD LAUGHS] 609 00:28:48,187 --> 00:28:50,939 I'm like, "What next? Blowjobs causing Alzheimer's?" 610 00:28:57,571 --> 00:28:59,239 I'm like, "What next..." No, I'm not... 611 00:28:59,239 --> 00:29:01,033 [CROWD CHEERING] 612 00:29:02,576 --> 00:29:04,328 Got enough mileage out of that puppy. 613 00:29:04,953 --> 00:29:06,121 Out of that puppy. 614 00:29:06,121 --> 00:29:07,581 So it's come to my attention. 615 00:29:07,581 --> 00:29:11,668 Speaking of stupid celebrities, that as a trans woman, 616 00:29:11,668 --> 00:29:13,545 my pussy is not real... 617 00:29:13,545 --> 00:29:15,714 Dave Chappelle. It is not real. 618 00:29:15,714 --> 00:29:18,675 It is like the Impossible Burger. 619 00:29:18,675 --> 00:29:21,845 Okay? Cut me and I bleed beet juice. 620 00:29:23,222 --> 00:29:27,643 Okay? It's a veritable farmer's market down here. 621 00:29:27,643 --> 00:29:32,314 Okay? It's a vegan's delight, if you will, 622 00:29:32,314 --> 00:29:36,818 A plethora of organic vegetables and fruit for all of you who like to partake. 623 00:29:37,569 --> 00:29:39,530 The fuck? 624 00:29:39,530 --> 00:29:41,573 It's so stupid. It's like beyond pussy. 625 00:29:41,573 --> 00:29:44,576 [CROWD LAUGHS] 626 00:29:44,576 --> 00:29:46,620 You know what's nice to know, though, is for somebody 627 00:29:46,620 --> 00:29:50,874 who doesn't like trans people that he thinks I have a more healthier, organic, 628 00:29:50,874 --> 00:29:53,919 fresher, cleaner meal down here than any cis woman. 629 00:29:54,753 --> 00:29:58,382 Okay? Seriously. 630 00:29:58,382 --> 00:30:01,260 "You don't wanna do yoga today? Come eat my puss. 631 00:30:01,260 --> 00:30:03,679 "It's better for you." 632 00:30:03,679 --> 00:30:06,139 Yeah? "Miss your Zumba? Come and lick my clit." 633 00:30:09,268 --> 00:30:10,561 Stupid shit. 634 00:30:10,561 --> 00:30:11,979 I can't do it anymore. 635 00:30:13,564 --> 00:30:15,440 Here's something I really believe in. 636 00:30:15,440 --> 00:30:17,317 I really believe that Black women and trans people 637 00:30:17,317 --> 00:30:19,528 are the strongest people on the face of the earth. 638 00:30:19,528 --> 00:30:21,905 - Sorry. I do believe that. - [CROWD CHEERING] 639 00:30:21,905 --> 00:30:23,490 Black women and trans people 640 00:30:23,490 --> 00:30:25,075 are the strongest people on the face of the earth 641 00:30:25,075 --> 00:30:27,578 because they've been through more than anybody else. 642 00:30:27,578 --> 00:30:29,746 They can get shit done. 643 00:30:29,746 --> 00:30:31,915 Okay? They can get it done. 644 00:30:31,915 --> 00:30:33,750 Why? Okay... 645 00:30:35,002 --> 00:30:38,005 America's a fucking horror movie, right? 646 00:30:38,005 --> 00:30:40,299 Right? It's a fucking horror movie. 647 00:30:40,299 --> 00:30:43,135 It's like a little<i>Night of the Living Dead,</i> 648 00:30:43,135 --> 00:30:46,972 with the Trump supporters, little<i> House of 1000 Corpses</i> 649 00:30:46,972 --> 00:30:48,348 with all the COVID shit going on. 650 00:30:48,348 --> 00:30:50,309 A little bit of<i>Get out </i>and<i> Us </i>and stuff. 651 00:30:50,309 --> 00:30:52,186 You know, it's a fucking horror movie. 652 00:30:52,186 --> 00:30:56,857 But we know who the fucking killer is ahead of time. 653 00:30:56,857 --> 00:30:59,568 It's a orange shaded motherfucker. 654 00:30:59,568 --> 00:31:04,323 We know this, but, yeah, we keep going in that house for dinner. 655 00:31:04,323 --> 00:31:09,745 We keep driving down that detour of the dirt road all by ourselves. 656 00:31:09,745 --> 00:31:15,417 Okay? We we keep going to that wonderful condemned sleepaway camp 657 00:31:15,417 --> 00:31:18,045 on the 35th fucking anniversary of the last slaughter. 658 00:31:18,045 --> 00:31:22,049 We keep going there. It just doesn't make any sense to me. 659 00:31:22,049 --> 00:31:23,258 Now. Here's the thing. 660 00:31:23,258 --> 00:31:24,927 I love Jamie Lee Curtis. 661 00:31:24,927 --> 00:31:26,136 I love her. 662 00:31:26,136 --> 00:31:27,804 I love her. Everything about her. 663 00:31:27,804 --> 00:31:29,223 There's nothing she can do wrong. 664 00:31:29,223 --> 00:31:31,642 I love her when I'm watching her eat Activia, 665 00:31:31,642 --> 00:31:34,061 even though I know five minutes after she eats it, 666 00:31:34,061 --> 00:31:38,273 she's gonna be blowing brown juice out her butt. I still love her. 667 00:31:40,943 --> 00:31:44,196 But she couldn't kill her own mother. 668 00:31:44,196 --> 00:31:48,825 How many years? Now, if that were a Black woman or a trans person, 669 00:31:48,825 --> 00:31:52,120 we would've had that motherfucker duct taped, disemboweled, 670 00:31:52,120 --> 00:31:56,625 dismembered in 18 different garment bags full of Y and acid, 671 00:31:56,625 --> 00:32:00,003 buried in every Trump supporter's lawn across America. 672 00:32:00,003 --> 00:32:01,547 [CROWD CHEERING] 673 00:32:04,508 --> 00:32:06,093 Police will be knocking on our door. 674 00:32:07,886 --> 00:32:09,137 Yeah. "What's up, Copper? 675 00:32:09,805 --> 00:32:11,431 "What you want? 676 00:32:11,431 --> 00:32:15,143 "Michael? Michael who? My brother? Ain't got no brother. 677 00:32:15,811 --> 00:32:17,479 "What you talk...? 678 00:32:17,479 --> 00:32:19,773 "I don't know no Michael, I'm telling you. 679 00:32:19,773 --> 00:32:21,525 "I never... Any Michael in here? 680 00:32:21,525 --> 00:32:25,445 "Anybody? No, we got five James, seven James Jrs., 681 00:32:25,445 --> 00:32:27,906 Theresa, five, two Sarahs, 682 00:32:27,906 --> 00:32:30,158 "a couple Lees... Ain't no Michael here. 683 00:32:30,158 --> 00:32:34,454 "Okay? So get the fuck off my porch, cop, until you come back with a warrant. 684 00:32:34,454 --> 00:32:36,874 "Fuck you." That's what would have been done. 685 00:32:36,874 --> 00:32:38,750 [CROWD CHEERING] 686 00:32:38,750 --> 00:32:40,544 That's exactly what would have been done. 687 00:32:42,004 --> 00:32:43,297 Enough of that. 688 00:32:44,339 --> 00:32:46,383 So what I'm saying is... 689 00:32:47,551 --> 00:32:50,304 I know that the problem right now 690 00:32:50,304 --> 00:32:54,183 is there's a lot of newly transitioned people, 691 00:32:55,434 --> 00:33:00,063 or, as I like to call them, "new hires," 692 00:33:00,063 --> 00:33:02,024 who think that they've been on the job 693 00:33:02,024 --> 00:33:03,483 for a week and they can get everything done, 694 00:33:03,483 --> 00:33:05,068 and they've got it all figured out. 695 00:33:05,068 --> 00:33:06,653 Well, you know what? 696 00:33:06,653 --> 00:33:08,989 Black women, just keep in touch with us older women, okay? 697 00:33:08,989 --> 00:33:10,407 We've got your back. 698 00:33:10,407 --> 00:33:12,367 Just, you know, when you get a memo from the new hire, 699 00:33:12,367 --> 00:33:15,829 just say, "Oh, thank you, you know, and file it in the circular basket." 700 00:33:15,829 --> 00:33:16,997 Who the fuck cares? 701 00:33:16,997 --> 00:33:18,707 They'll get into their jobs soon enough. 702 00:33:18,707 --> 00:33:23,045 So you call us the next time that you're off into somebody's... 703 00:33:23,045 --> 00:33:25,422 you know, let us know that you're about to go down that road. 704 00:33:25,422 --> 00:33:27,341 Let us know you're going to the sleepaway camp. 705 00:33:27,341 --> 00:33:29,051 Because what's the first rule of horror movies? 706 00:33:30,135 --> 00:33:32,179 Black people get killed first. 707 00:33:32,846 --> 00:33:35,057 Right? 708 00:33:35,057 --> 00:33:38,143 Ain't one of you ever seen a trans person in a horror movie. 709 00:33:38,143 --> 00:33:40,145 They ain't even thinking about me. 710 00:33:40,145 --> 00:33:41,647 [CROWD LAUGHS] 711 00:33:41,647 --> 00:33:43,440 They got your ass. 712 00:33:43,440 --> 00:33:47,736 I could sneak up in there and I could be like, "Yo, killer. Guess what? 713 00:33:47,736 --> 00:33:49,571 [IN SING-SONG VOICE] "You don't know what I got below. 714 00:33:49,571 --> 00:33:51,323 "You don't know what I got below." 715 00:33:51,323 --> 00:33:54,952 And then he'd be like, "Oh my God, I don't know what to do with you. 716 00:33:54,952 --> 00:33:56,453 "Wait, let me look. 717 00:33:56,453 --> 00:33:58,080 "Okay, for your last pee break, 718 00:33:58,080 --> 00:33:59,957 "I don't know if you go to the women's room or the men's room. 719 00:33:59,957 --> 00:34:01,708 "I've got to look up the laws. 720 00:34:01,708 --> 00:34:03,252 "And the code. Shit. 721 00:34:03,252 --> 00:34:06,171 "Now I've got to figure out what pronoun to use, 722 00:34:06,171 --> 00:34:08,131 "so I can use the opposite one to torture you 723 00:34:08,131 --> 00:34:10,008 "because I don't know which one you like. 724 00:34:10,008 --> 00:34:13,262 "And the pronoun... Okay, you know, I don't even know how to kill you. 725 00:34:13,262 --> 00:34:15,931 "If I disembowel you, will you enjoy that? 726 00:34:15,931 --> 00:34:18,058 "What is going on here? 727 00:34:18,058 --> 00:34:20,602 "I don't know." So while we've got them all confused, we'll get 728 00:34:20,602 --> 00:34:23,522 the new hires, grab your ass from that car, 729 00:34:23,522 --> 00:34:27,067 and we'll just sail along the way with the new hires to cut his ass up, 730 00:34:27,067 --> 00:34:28,360 put him in the bag and let him go. 731 00:34:28,360 --> 00:34:30,404 Okay, let's get this shit done... 732 00:34:30,404 --> 00:34:32,531 - [CROWD CHEERING] - I'm tired of it. 733 00:34:34,283 --> 00:34:37,411 Michael Myers. 40 years. That bitch. 734 00:34:37,411 --> 00:34:40,038 Forty years. 735 00:34:40,038 --> 00:34:45,043 Oh, my God. Here's the thing, you know, people are like... 736 00:34:45,043 --> 00:34:47,129 Let me just say it like this. 737 00:34:47,129 --> 00:34:49,756 Trans people can't oppress anyone by definition. 738 00:34:50,799 --> 00:34:53,385 We don't have the economic power 739 00:34:53,385 --> 00:34:56,513 nor the political power to oppress anyone. 740 00:34:56,513 --> 00:34:58,557 Just, we can't do it. 741 00:34:58,557 --> 00:35:01,351 They won't let us have fucking money, okay? 742 00:35:02,144 --> 00:35:03,353 Every... 743 00:35:03,353 --> 00:35:06,982 Every little five cents, ten cents we get, 744 00:35:06,982 --> 00:35:08,525 we put away for fucking surgery 745 00:35:08,525 --> 00:35:11,111 because Medicare and Medicaid and nobody will pay for us. 746 00:35:11,820 --> 00:35:13,488 We can't opress... 747 00:35:13,488 --> 00:35:16,450 The only person I can oppress is that gimp that's duct taped 748 00:35:16,450 --> 00:35:18,327 under my bed, and that fucker's paying me. 749 00:35:18,327 --> 00:35:19,745 So I think I should get a pass, okay? 750 00:35:19,745 --> 00:35:21,788 [CROWD LAUGHS] 751 00:35:21,788 --> 00:35:26,919 If trans people ask me to meet with them and talk, don't say, I will talk to you 752 00:35:26,919 --> 00:35:31,173 at a place of my time and my choosing, because, bitch, 753 00:35:31,173 --> 00:35:34,676 that's a "trick who's going to try to murder me" talk. Okay? 754 00:35:34,676 --> 00:35:36,220 I've been through that shit. 755 00:35:36,220 --> 00:35:38,805 I lived in New York in the '90s. 756 00:35:38,805 --> 00:35:41,600 We knew not to go to the hotel for the trick. 757 00:35:41,600 --> 00:35:44,019 We knew not to go do that shit, or we'd get killed. 758 00:35:44,019 --> 00:35:47,105 What we do, is we couple up with another girl, 759 00:35:47,105 --> 00:35:50,567 and we have this one room apartment in New York, 760 00:35:50,567 --> 00:35:54,446 and we alternate the days that we would fuck for work. 761 00:35:54,446 --> 00:35:56,365 Because you can't fuck every day for work. 762 00:35:56,365 --> 00:35:59,159 That's too much. 763 00:35:59,159 --> 00:36:05,791 So the one who wasn't on duty would be there while the trick came over, 764 00:36:05,791 --> 00:36:08,460 and they would like hide under the sink or some shit. 765 00:36:08,460 --> 00:36:10,128 'Cause it's a small apartment, but we like, 766 00:36:10,128 --> 00:36:13,131 make it so they can hide in the cupboard or some shit, okay? 767 00:36:13,131 --> 00:36:17,386 You talk about horror movies, you've never been so scared in your life 768 00:36:17,386 --> 00:36:22,724 until you see a trans woman with two days beard growth 769 00:36:22,724 --> 00:36:26,645 coming out from under the kitchen sink with a butcher knife in her hand, 770 00:36:26,645 --> 00:36:30,607 screaming in a deep bass voice, "Get out! Get out!" 771 00:36:30,607 --> 00:36:32,776 While there's another one standing in the middle of the room going, 772 00:36:32,776 --> 00:36:34,862 "Red lobster. Red lobster" 773 00:36:34,862 --> 00:36:36,905 "Red lobster" 774 00:36:36,905 --> 00:36:38,407 That's fucking frightening. 775 00:36:39,157 --> 00:36:40,367 Don't tell me to come 776 00:36:40,367 --> 00:36:43,245 at a place of your time and your choosing. 777 00:36:43,245 --> 00:36:48,041 That's just... hate speech to us trans people. Don't do it. 778 00:36:48,041 --> 00:36:50,878 You know? I mean, you can only fool me 47 times. 779 00:36:50,878 --> 00:36:51,920 I'm not going to go again. 780 00:36:52,963 --> 00:36:55,632 It's too much. 781 00:36:55,632 --> 00:36:58,343 TERFs. The J. K. Rowling bullshit and the TERFs... 782 00:36:58,343 --> 00:37:00,554 Do you know what TERFs are? If you don't, google it 783 00:37:00,554 --> 00:37:01,638 because it's not my fucking fault 784 00:37:01,638 --> 00:37:03,015 you've been in a coma for 10 years, 785 00:37:03,015 --> 00:37:04,850 or you refuse to live outside your bubble. 786 00:37:04,850 --> 00:37:08,395 Okay? You should know what they are because they want to outlaw me. 787 00:37:08,395 --> 00:37:09,855 They want to outlaw my kind. 788 00:37:09,855 --> 00:37:11,231 They want to get rid of us. They want to kill us. 789 00:37:11,231 --> 00:37:13,275 They don't want us anymore on the face of the earth. 790 00:37:13,275 --> 00:37:16,403 TERFs think that they... the only reason 791 00:37:16,403 --> 00:37:21,700 that trans women exist is to come into a woman's space, 792 00:37:21,700 --> 00:37:24,244 take what's rightfully the woman's and rape the woman. 793 00:37:25,370 --> 00:37:27,372 That's actually what they believe. 794 00:37:27,372 --> 00:37:29,917 So I'm just like, "Yeah, you're right." 795 00:37:29,917 --> 00:37:32,044 When I was 11 years old and I realized 796 00:37:32,044 --> 00:37:34,922 what my sister had down there wasn't the same as what I got, 797 00:37:34,922 --> 00:37:37,841 I thought to myself, I said, "Self, you're going to grow up 798 00:37:37,841 --> 00:37:41,929 "and ostracize everybody who loves you. This is what you're going to do. 799 00:37:41,929 --> 00:37:44,097 "And you're going to grow up and you're not going to be able 800 00:37:44,097 --> 00:37:47,601 to get a job and you're going to grow up and you're going to have 801 00:37:47,601 --> 00:37:51,813 "every little penny that you find, just, you know, scrape together 802 00:37:51,813 --> 00:37:54,316 "to get surgeries to become a woman. 803 00:37:54,316 --> 00:37:57,569 "And when you finally, you know, deal with the rapes 804 00:37:57,569 --> 00:37:59,112 "and the beatings and all that stuff, 805 00:37:59,112 --> 00:38:01,865 "and you get to the point where you're a possible woman, 806 00:38:01,865 --> 00:38:04,409 "you're going to go... I'm going to go to that woman 807 00:38:04,409 --> 00:38:07,496 "with a Y festival in Michigan, and I'm going to find 808 00:38:07,496 --> 00:38:10,207 "a hairy armpitted woman named Corinne, 809 00:38:10,207 --> 00:38:12,584 "And I'm gonna lick her sweaty, hairy pussy 810 00:38:12,584 --> 00:38:16,046 "till she comes while Ani DiFranco plays. That's my plan." 811 00:38:16,046 --> 00:38:18,215 - [CROWD CHEERING] - Yes. 812 00:38:22,386 --> 00:38:24,429 I'm like, "Yeah, lesbian. You wish." 813 00:38:25,180 --> 00:38:27,724 The fuck these people... 814 00:38:27,724 --> 00:38:29,351 I just don't know what's going on. 815 00:38:30,519 --> 00:38:32,271 Okay, so, like, people often say like, 816 00:38:32,271 --> 00:38:34,439 "Your mind is really weird, Tuesday. 817 00:38:34,439 --> 00:38:36,650 "What's a day in your life?" Okay. You want to know a fucking day of my life? 818 00:38:36,650 --> 00:38:38,402 This is a day in my life, okay? 819 00:38:38,402 --> 00:38:41,113 I get up in the morning and I realize I want coffee. 820 00:38:41,113 --> 00:38:43,615 But there's no coffee, and the only coffee I like, 821 00:38:43,615 --> 00:38:44,700 because I hate Starbucks, 822 00:38:44,700 --> 00:38:46,869 is two buses and a transfer away. 823 00:38:46,869 --> 00:38:50,038 So it takes me a while because I have anxiety to finally get it together, 824 00:38:50,038 --> 00:38:52,416 and I finally get on that bus and I go to the coffee shop. 825 00:38:52,416 --> 00:38:55,127 I walk into the coffee shop, and it's just so weird 826 00:38:55,127 --> 00:38:59,339 because it's like beakers and coils and hot, brewed and cold pressed 827 00:38:59,339 --> 00:39:02,676 and all this stuff going on back there, and I stop and I think to myself, 828 00:39:02,676 --> 00:39:06,221 "Oh my God, they're doing this with coffee 829 00:39:06,221 --> 00:39:08,932 "but when my Uncle, Leo, did it with corn mash, 830 00:39:08,932 --> 00:39:11,518 "they called it moonshine, and they put him in fucking jail. 831 00:39:11,518 --> 00:39:12,769 "How can they do this? 832 00:39:12,769 --> 00:39:14,271 "But, okay, whatever." 833 00:39:14,271 --> 00:39:16,106 So I don't know. And then the guy comes up. 834 00:39:16,106 --> 00:39:17,733 I don't know what they call him. What do you call the person? 835 00:39:17,733 --> 00:39:20,694 The counter person? Is it like a, I don't know, bitch? 836 00:39:20,694 --> 00:39:21,820 No. No, that's not the word. 837 00:39:21,820 --> 00:39:23,197 Troll. 838 00:39:23,197 --> 00:39:24,489 Barista. Barista. 839 00:39:24,489 --> 00:39:25,782 So the barista comes up. 840 00:39:25,782 --> 00:39:27,409 It's like, "What can I get for you?" 841 00:39:27,409 --> 00:39:29,036 And I'm like, "I don't know." Because I don't know the lingo. 842 00:39:29,036 --> 00:39:30,829 "I don't know if I want a Vente, 843 00:39:30,829 --> 00:39:35,334 "Uno, cinco, quatro, siete, extra large, double extra large, Small. 844 00:39:35,334 --> 00:39:37,085 I don't know... if I want, 845 00:39:37,085 --> 00:39:40,589 You know, I don't know if I want oat milk, soy milk, 846 00:39:40,589 --> 00:39:42,633 cauliflower milk. I don't fucking know. 847 00:39:42,633 --> 00:39:44,426 It's too much for me to deal with. 848 00:39:44,426 --> 00:39:46,512 And so finally, I'm just, like, exasperated. 849 00:39:46,512 --> 00:39:48,847 So I just point to the wall, and he grabs me 850 00:39:48,847 --> 00:39:52,476 this biggest bag of tea leaves I've ever seen in my life. 851 00:39:52,476 --> 00:39:55,229 They're the size of fucking oak tree leaves from King Arthur's kingdom. 852 00:39:55,229 --> 00:39:57,397 But I'm like, "Whatever. I just want to get the fuck out." 853 00:39:57,397 --> 00:40:00,150 So I pay him, and then I think to myself, 854 00:40:00,150 --> 00:40:01,693 "Oh, my God, I probably should tip him." 855 00:40:01,693 --> 00:40:04,738 Because that's a thing you do. And how much do you tip him 856 00:40:04,738 --> 00:40:06,865 because the world is rough, and there's a lot of people 857 00:40:06,865 --> 00:40:10,160 who would say I hope that if he wanted to get tipped, 858 00:40:10,160 --> 00:40:11,828 he should probably get a better paying job. 859 00:40:11,828 --> 00:40:13,539 But I'm not one of those kind of people. 860 00:40:13,539 --> 00:40:15,749 But still, I don't know what to pay him. 861 00:40:15,749 --> 00:40:18,502 Because if I don't tip him, he will think I am one of those kind of people. 862 00:40:18,502 --> 00:40:21,129 When I finally figured I'd just tip him a dollar, just get it over with, 863 00:40:21,129 --> 00:40:22,714 I'm already at the bus stop. 864 00:40:22,714 --> 00:40:24,967 And now, I think to myself, "Great. 865 00:40:24,967 --> 00:40:28,929 "I don't have to tip him, but I can never show my fucking face in here again." 866 00:40:28,929 --> 00:40:32,474 So I go and I get on the bus and I'm on the bus and I come back to... 867 00:40:32,474 --> 00:40:35,644 I'm trying to get back to my beautiful neighborhood here, 868 00:40:35,644 --> 00:40:37,354 which is the ghetto, but I can't say the ghetto 869 00:40:37,354 --> 00:40:39,398 because if I say the ghetto, that's not PC, 870 00:40:39,398 --> 00:40:41,233 and then they'll take away my Facebook privileges. 871 00:40:41,233 --> 00:40:44,528 And how the fuck will I know what everybody eats for lunch? 872 00:40:44,528 --> 00:40:47,489 So I have to get on the bus and I have to come back 873 00:40:47,489 --> 00:40:50,033 to the newly designated historic district 874 00:40:50,033 --> 00:40:52,035 with lots of character that none of you fucks will care about 875 00:40:52,035 --> 00:40:53,287 until the Trader Joe's moves in. 876 00:40:54,705 --> 00:40:56,498 So I'm on the bus and the bus stops, 877 00:40:56,498 --> 00:40:57,833 and there's a whole line of people that get on, 878 00:40:57,833 --> 00:41:00,043 and I'm just, like, close my eyes and I'm like, 879 00:41:00,043 --> 00:41:01,837 "Don't sit with me. Don't sit with me. 880 00:41:01,837 --> 00:41:04,923 "Don't sit with me. Good." That's three times. When I open my eyes, 881 00:41:04,923 --> 00:41:08,260 and nobody sat with me, and I think what the fuck is wrong with me? 882 00:41:08,260 --> 00:41:09,344 "Nobody wants to sit with me." 883 00:41:09,344 --> 00:41:11,096 [CROWD LAUGHS] 884 00:41:11,096 --> 00:41:12,764 So I finally get over here to the corner, 885 00:41:12,764 --> 00:41:17,227 and I get out of the bus and I come and I go inside the store 886 00:41:17,227 --> 00:41:19,605 underneath because I need toilet paper. 887 00:41:19,605 --> 00:41:21,106 Because the tea makes me shit. 888 00:41:21,106 --> 00:41:22,941 I hate tea. 889 00:41:22,941 --> 00:41:25,444 So... but with coronavirus, they keep the toilet paper 890 00:41:25,444 --> 00:41:26,653 behind the counter, and the counter has, 891 00:41:26,653 --> 00:41:29,323 like the three inch bullerproof glass there, 892 00:41:29,323 --> 00:41:31,491 So, I get down there, where you put the money through and I'm like, 893 00:41:31,491 --> 00:41:33,744 "Hello, anybody back there? 894 00:41:33,744 --> 00:41:35,329 "Hi. I just need toilet paper. 895 00:41:35,329 --> 00:41:36,997 "Please, just one roll. That's all I need. 896 00:41:36,997 --> 00:41:38,957 "They're like loosies on cigarettes now. 897 00:41:38,957 --> 00:41:40,417 "No, just a roll. 898 00:41:40,417 --> 00:41:42,711 "That's it. Give me the roll. Oh, you don't have any? 899 00:41:42,711 --> 00:41:44,129 "No, I think I see em'. I do. 900 00:41:44,880 --> 00:41:46,882 "Over there. 901 00:41:46,882 --> 00:41:50,761 "Yeah. Yeah. On the other side of that 32 ounce bottle of Pepto Bismol. Yeah. 902 00:41:50,761 --> 00:41:53,889 "Near that six pack of Tab. Do they still make that shit? 903 00:41:55,307 --> 00:41:57,142 "I guess not. Those cans are rusty. 904 00:41:57,142 --> 00:41:59,770 "Yeah, right there. Give me the toilet paper." Got the toilet paper, 905 00:41:59,770 --> 00:42:01,730 And then I look up and as I'm checking out, 906 00:42:01,730 --> 00:42:03,482 I see a Magnum condom wrapper 907 00:42:03,482 --> 00:42:06,318 glued to the glass. 908 00:42:06,318 --> 00:42:07,861 And somebody took a Sharpie, 909 00:42:07,861 --> 00:42:11,073 and they wrote "$1" over the top of it with a Sharpie. 910 00:42:11,073 --> 00:42:13,951 And I'm just like, "Oh my God, Magnum Condoms... Magnum Condoms 911 00:42:13,951 --> 00:42:16,662 "for a dollar..." America, it's capitalism. 912 00:42:16,662 --> 00:42:18,372 It's based on supply and demand. 913 00:42:18,372 --> 00:42:21,917 So that means there's a huge demand for a cheap supply 914 00:42:21,917 --> 00:42:23,877 of Magnum condoms in my neighborhood. 915 00:42:23,877 --> 00:42:25,337 And I'm like, "Oh, Great. 916 00:42:25,337 --> 00:42:27,339 "I really did move into the right neighborhood." 917 00:42:27,339 --> 00:42:29,091 [CROWD CHEERING] 918 00:42:29,091 --> 00:42:34,555 So I come out and there's a woman that thinks I'm Zsa Zsa Gabor. 919 00:42:34,555 --> 00:42:38,308 She's on this side of the street and her husband's on the other side of the street. 920 00:42:38,308 --> 00:42:39,434 And she screamed at him. 921 00:42:39,434 --> 00:42:41,228 She screaming, "You better fuck me. 922 00:42:41,228 --> 00:42:42,563 "You better fuck me right now! 923 00:42:42,563 --> 00:42:43,981 "Damn it! I want to get fucked. 924 00:42:43,981 --> 00:42:45,649 "You better fuck me right now. 925 00:42:45,649 --> 00:42:47,442 "Hi, Zsa Zsa. It's my birthday. 926 00:42:47,442 --> 00:42:49,444 "You better fuck me right now. 927 00:42:49,444 --> 00:42:53,407 "Okay? It's my EBT that paid for that 40 in your hand. 928 00:42:53,407 --> 00:42:54,741 "You better fuck me." 929 00:42:54,741 --> 00:42:56,785 And he turns and said, "Why would I fuck you? 930 00:42:56,785 --> 00:42:59,162 "You sound like Godzilla and look like the Grimace." 931 00:43:01,373 --> 00:43:05,252 And I just look at her and I'm like, "Happy birthday, girl." 932 00:43:05,252 --> 00:43:06,920 [CROWD LAUGHS] 933 00:43:08,046 --> 00:43:09,131 "Hope you get laid" 934 00:43:11,341 --> 00:43:13,468 She's like, "Zsa Zsa, you're so goddamn funny. 935 00:43:13,468 --> 00:43:14,845 [IMITATES LAUGHTER] 936 00:43:14,845 --> 00:43:16,972 "I love you, Zsa Zsa. You know what I'm gonna do? 937 00:43:16,972 --> 00:43:19,391 "I'm going to call CBS and I'm going to have them 938 00:43:19,391 --> 00:43:22,853 "put<i> Green Acres </i>back on TV so you get your job back, Zsa, Zsa, 939 00:43:22,853 --> 00:43:26,231 "because you're funny and you deserve the money and you deserve to work." 940 00:43:26,231 --> 00:43:29,776 And I think to myself, "I don't have the heart to tell her that was Eva and not Zsa Zsa 941 00:43:29,776 --> 00:43:31,570 "on<i> Green Acres."</i> 942 00:43:31,570 --> 00:43:36,200 Because I'm just so impressed that she remembered CBS. 943 00:43:36,200 --> 00:43:39,494 But I also... I start to go upstairs, I think, "Jesus, I love this town. 944 00:43:39,494 --> 00:43:40,829 "Now I've got a fucking manager." 945 00:43:43,373 --> 00:43:46,960 So go upstairs and drop off the TP and the tea 946 00:43:46,960 --> 00:43:49,046 and then my phone rings and it's my ex-boyfriend 947 00:43:49,046 --> 00:43:50,506 who ghosted me, like, 6 months ago 948 00:43:50,506 --> 00:43:52,591 because that's the fucking thing that's done nowadays. 949 00:43:52,591 --> 00:43:55,427 Ghosting. So he calls me and he's like, "I really miss you. 950 00:43:55,427 --> 00:43:56,887 "I love you. I decided I liked you. 951 00:43:56,887 --> 00:43:58,764 "You're the one. You're the one. 952 00:43:58,764 --> 00:43:59,932 "My heart belongs to you. 953 00:43:59,932 --> 00:44:01,141 "I want to show you. 954 00:44:01,141 --> 00:44:02,976 "I want I want to make sure you know. 955 00:44:02,976 --> 00:44:05,812 "I want to come over and I want to show you." I hate him so much. 956 00:44:05,812 --> 00:44:08,982 I'm so fucking angry at him that I just grabbed the phone. 957 00:44:08,982 --> 00:44:11,902 And I say to him that any sane woman would say. 958 00:44:11,902 --> 00:44:15,489 I said, "Yeah, come on over, baby. I'm free." 959 00:44:15,489 --> 00:44:18,742 So, in the interim, I'm thinking, "You know, I really am mad. 960 00:44:18,742 --> 00:44:20,410 "I really am mad. I'm really am pissed off." 961 00:44:20,410 --> 00:44:23,539 Okay? I think you know, if I'm going to talk to him, 962 00:44:23,539 --> 00:44:26,333 I think the best thing to do is from the minute he comes in, 963 00:44:26,333 --> 00:44:29,378 like a little hate fuck going on and get that anger out, right? 964 00:44:29,378 --> 00:44:32,339 You know, you know, sometimes you just hate fuck 965 00:44:32,339 --> 00:44:33,966 before you can deal with them. 966 00:44:33,966 --> 00:44:35,175 Hate fuck! 967 00:44:35,175 --> 00:44:37,094 And then you do it and then it's done, 968 00:44:37,094 --> 00:44:38,846 and then you can converse and you can talk. 969 00:44:38,846 --> 00:44:41,932 So I'm like, all over him and I'm just like, 970 00:44:41,932 --> 00:44:45,394 okay, try to get it and he's going, "You know, I really want to show you 971 00:44:45,394 --> 00:44:47,354 "I love you. I want to take it slow." 972 00:44:47,354 --> 00:44:49,022 And I'm just trying to get at it. 973 00:44:49,022 --> 00:44:50,524 And he's like, "No, baby, no, baby. 974 00:44:50,524 --> 00:44:54,778 "I need to prove to you that you're the one. 975 00:44:54,778 --> 00:44:56,947 "I need to prove to you I respect you." 976 00:44:56,947 --> 00:44:58,282 And I'm just trying to get over on him. 977 00:44:58,282 --> 00:45:00,450 He said, "No, go slow." And I just look at him. 978 00:45:00,450 --> 00:45:02,035 And I said, "You better fuck me. 979 00:45:02,035 --> 00:45:03,704 "You better fuck me right now. 980 00:45:03,704 --> 00:45:06,164 "It's my EBT card that paid for that 40 on that night stand." 981 00:45:06,164 --> 00:45:07,332 [CROWD CHEERING] 982 00:45:07,332 --> 00:45:10,335 "You better fuck me right now." 983 00:45:10,335 --> 00:45:14,882 Oh, my God. Well, I just want to say my name is Tuesday Thomas. 984 00:45:14,882 --> 00:45:18,594 If you like me, you can follow me home and fuck me because I am alone. 985 00:45:19,553 --> 00:45:21,305 I'm so damn lonely. 986 00:45:21,889 --> 00:45:24,099 [CROWD CHEERING] 987 00:45:24,099 --> 00:45:28,145 Let me tell you, it's like five construction guys down there doing drywall. 988 00:45:28,145 --> 00:45:31,690 It's just white dust showing up all over the place. 989 00:45:31,690 --> 00:45:33,317 Oh, fuck. 990 00:45:33,317 --> 00:45:35,444 - I think I gotta go now. - [SIREN BLARING] 991 00:45:35,444 --> 00:45:37,196 You guys never saw me here. 992 00:45:37,196 --> 00:45:39,781 [CROWD CHEERING] 993 00:45:48,040 --> 00:45:50,626 [UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING] 994 00:45:51,305 --> 00:46:51,410 Watch Online Movies and Series for FREE www.osdb.link/lm