Inhumanwich!

1 00:00:01,239 --> 00:00:03,822 (upbeat music) 2 00:00:05,000 --> 00:00:11,074 3 00:00:15,605 --> 00:00:18,804 (mysterious music) 4 00:00:18,805 --> 00:00:21,897 [Announcer] This is the story of an American hero, 5 00:00:21,898 --> 00:00:25,143 who became an American monster. 6 00:00:25,144 --> 00:00:27,610 In the not-too-distant future, the United States 7 00:00:27,611 --> 00:00:31,778 will make a celebrated return to capsule-based space travel. 8 00:00:32,318 --> 00:00:36,485 Such a mission requires men of vision, men of strength, 9 00:00:36,565 --> 00:00:37,815 men of courage. 10 00:00:39,445 --> 00:00:43,612 Within this capsule is one such man, Joseph Neumann. 11 00:00:43,614 --> 00:00:45,614 A good ol' American Joe. 12 00:00:47,218 --> 00:00:49,380 This capsule, along with its pilot, 13 00:00:49,381 --> 00:00:53,548 will rocket into space at speeds of over 70 miles an hour. 14 00:00:54,187 --> 00:00:56,745 It will orbit the earth for seven hours, 15 00:00:56,746 --> 00:00:58,419 then if all goes according to plan, 16 00:00:58,420 --> 00:01:02,095 will return safely to the planet's surface. 17 00:01:02,096 --> 00:01:03,999 What Joe does not yet know is 18 00:01:04,000 --> 00:01:06,972 things will not go according to plan. 19 00:01:06,973 --> 00:01:10,722 For Joe Neumann is about to go into outer space as a man, 20 00:01:10,723 --> 00:01:12,889 but he will return as 21 00:01:12,890 --> 00:01:14,030 Inhumanwich! 22 00:01:14,031 --> 00:01:16,781 (dramatic music) 23 00:01:20,910 --> 00:01:25,077 (electronic whirring and warbling) 24 00:01:33,989 --> 00:01:36,977 All right, that's 20 minutes into the launch by my count. 25 00:01:36,978 --> 00:01:37,811 How's he doing? 26 00:01:37,811 --> 00:01:38,694 Orbit is holding steady. 27 00:01:38,695 --> 00:01:40,580 Good speed, plenty of fuel. 28 00:01:40,581 --> 00:01:42,622 He can stay up there for days if he wanted to. 29 00:01:42,623 --> 00:01:44,240 All right, let's not get ahead of ourselves. 30 00:01:44,241 --> 00:01:45,280 How's Joe? 31 00:01:45,281 --> 00:01:46,828 About as healthy as ever. 32 00:01:46,829 --> 00:01:48,282 I don't think I'd have a heartbeat that steady 33 00:01:48,283 --> 00:01:50,695 if I were shot into space by a rusty slingshot. 34 00:01:50,696 --> 00:01:53,363 (phone ringing) 35 00:01:54,682 --> 00:01:56,182 What, right now? 36 00:01:57,154 --> 00:01:58,979 All right gentlemen, listen up. 37 00:01:58,980 --> 00:01:59,954 We're about to get a visit from 38 00:01:59,955 --> 00:02:02,257 the President of the United States. 39 00:02:02,258 --> 00:02:03,739 Not about to, Ed. 40 00:02:03,740 --> 00:02:06,383 You're getting it right now. 41 00:02:06,384 --> 00:02:08,409 Mr. President, Mrs. First Lady, 42 00:02:08,410 --> 00:02:10,032 I'd like to introduce you to Ed Farley, 43 00:02:10,033 --> 00:02:11,610 the Flight Director of the Argo One. 44 00:02:11,611 --> 00:02:13,206 It's an honor to meet you, Mr. President. 45 00:02:13,207 --> 00:02:14,910 Honor's all mine, Farley. 46 00:02:14,911 --> 00:02:17,089 Heck of a place you got here. - Thank you, thank you. 47 00:02:17,090 --> 00:02:19,220 Good to know our tax dollars are going to good use. 48 00:02:19,221 --> 00:02:21,196 Yes sir indeed, it's good to know. 49 00:02:21,197 --> 00:02:23,012 Ed, would you care to give the President a rundown 50 00:02:23,013 --> 00:02:24,719 on where we are with the mission right now? 51 00:02:24,720 --> 00:02:26,063 Absolutely. 52 00:02:26,064 --> 00:02:27,885 Say this basketball is the earth, 53 00:02:27,886 --> 00:02:29,434 and this rubber ducky dressed as a pirate 54 00:02:29,435 --> 00:02:30,771 is the space capsule Argo One. 55 00:02:30,772 --> 00:02:31,611 Okay. 56 00:02:31,612 --> 00:02:34,052 11:45 a.m., Argo One launched from Florida, 57 00:02:34,053 --> 00:02:35,952 quickly achieving orbit about three miles 58 00:02:35,953 --> 00:02:37,018 above earth's surface. 59 00:02:37,019 --> 00:02:38,165 At its current speed and velocity, 60 00:02:38,166 --> 00:02:40,862 it will be able to orbit twice more around the planet, 61 00:02:40,863 --> 00:02:43,803 where it'll land right back here around 8:00 p.m. tonight. 62 00:02:43,804 --> 00:02:45,775 [The President] And this Joe Neumann fellow, 63 00:02:45,776 --> 00:02:47,929 he's the one stuck inside this contraption? 64 00:02:47,930 --> 00:02:49,749 Yes sir, he's the man for the job. 65 00:02:49,750 --> 00:02:51,601 About the damn finest pilot I've ever met. 66 00:02:51,602 --> 00:02:52,928 I can't wait to meet him. 67 00:02:52,929 --> 00:02:54,214 You won't need to wait Mr. President, 68 00:02:54,215 --> 00:02:57,052 it's time for our 12 o'clock video check-in. 69 00:02:57,053 --> 00:02:58,208 You mean, we get a video signal 70 00:02:58,209 --> 00:03:00,028 all the way out into space? 71 00:03:00,029 --> 00:03:02,620 Two-way communication sir, just like a telephone. 72 00:03:02,621 --> 00:03:04,442 But with pictures? 73 00:03:04,443 --> 00:03:05,276 Yes sir. 74 00:03:05,277 --> 00:03:07,209 With pictures. 75 00:03:07,210 --> 00:03:09,508 We're ready to establish the video uplink. 76 00:03:09,509 --> 00:03:11,851 All right, patch it through now. 77 00:03:11,852 --> 00:03:13,340 Mission Control, Argo One. 78 00:03:13,341 --> 00:03:14,966 Mission Control to Argo One. 79 00:03:14,967 --> 00:03:16,404 How you doing up there, Joe? 80 00:03:16,405 --> 00:03:17,873 Couldn't be better. 81 00:03:17,874 --> 00:03:19,446 The launch was pretty wild. 82 00:03:19,447 --> 00:03:21,466 Nothing quite like riding a 10-ton Roman Candle 83 00:03:21,467 --> 00:03:23,178 to the top of the sky. 84 00:03:23,179 --> 00:03:24,686 Good to hear, and we got somebody that would like to say 85 00:03:24,687 --> 00:03:26,330 a few words. 86 00:03:26,331 --> 00:03:27,427 Hello, Joe. 87 00:03:27,428 --> 00:03:28,603 Why hello, Mr. President. 88 00:03:28,604 --> 00:03:30,205 This sure is a big honor. 89 00:03:30,206 --> 00:03:31,652 Although I guess I should tell you, 90 00:03:31,653 --> 00:03:32,994 I voted for the other guy. 91 00:03:32,995 --> 00:03:35,281 Ha ha, I'm just kidding, I don't vote. 92 00:03:35,282 --> 00:03:36,938 (laughing) 93 00:03:36,939 --> 00:03:38,639 Well, just wanted to let you know, 94 00:03:38,640 --> 00:03:41,027 all Americans are mighty proud of what you're doing. 95 00:03:41,028 --> 00:03:43,760 It's another wonderful achievement for the US of A. 96 00:03:43,761 --> 00:03:46,378 Gosh Mr. President, that's really good to hear. 97 00:03:46,379 --> 00:03:47,807 All right Joe, enough small talk. 98 00:03:47,808 --> 00:03:49,364 Let's test out that artificial gravity device 99 00:03:49,365 --> 00:03:51,107 of Dr. Chang's. 100 00:03:51,108 --> 00:03:52,923 Artificial gravity? 101 00:03:52,924 --> 00:03:54,561 Uh yes sir, the lack of gravity in space 102 00:03:54,562 --> 00:03:56,988 makes it difficult for astronauts to endure long flights 103 00:03:56,989 --> 00:03:59,205 and Dr. Chang here has invented a way 104 00:03:59,206 --> 00:04:00,650 we may be able to fix all that. 105 00:04:00,651 --> 00:04:01,605 [Dr. Chang] We're all set. 106 00:04:01,606 --> 00:04:03,675 Whenever you're ready, switch it on. 107 00:04:03,676 --> 00:04:05,641 Okay, here goes nothing. 108 00:04:05,642 --> 00:04:09,809 (electronic whirring and warbling) 109 00:04:17,932 --> 00:04:20,599 All system are holding steady. 110 00:04:22,137 --> 00:04:25,355 Say, this seems to be working just fine. 111 00:04:25,356 --> 00:04:26,510 That's amazing. 112 00:04:26,511 --> 00:04:28,048 How are you doing that, Joe? 113 00:04:28,049 --> 00:04:29,190 I'm afraid I don't understand 114 00:04:29,191 --> 00:04:31,285 all the ins and outs of it myself. 115 00:04:31,286 --> 00:04:33,230 I ought to let Dr. Chang take it from here. 116 00:04:33,231 --> 00:04:34,871 He's the one who designed this whole getup. 117 00:04:34,872 --> 00:04:37,303 Well, now the whole thing's pretty complicated, 118 00:04:37,304 --> 00:04:39,238 and I'm no rocket scientist but, 119 00:04:39,239 --> 00:04:41,356 the basics go something like this. 120 00:04:41,357 --> 00:04:43,150 In order to replicate the complete force 121 00:04:43,151 --> 00:04:44,452 of earth's gravitational pull, 122 00:04:44,453 --> 00:04:46,439 we've placed a large super-powered radioactive iron core 123 00:04:46,440 --> 00:04:48,024 in the bottom section of the space capsule. 124 00:04:48,025 --> 00:04:50,312 Once activated, the iron core's enormous density 125 00:04:50,313 --> 00:04:51,752 creates a great amount of force, 126 00:04:51,753 --> 00:04:54,073 which it would then use to fuel a giant vacuum, 127 00:04:54,074 --> 00:04:56,109 which sucks everything inside the capsule down to the floor, 128 00:04:56,110 --> 00:04:58,428 approximating earth's natural gravity. 129 00:04:58,429 --> 00:05:01,194 A vacuum cleaner in space? 130 00:05:01,195 --> 00:05:02,826 That's just what women need, 131 00:05:02,827 --> 00:05:05,455 another place where they have to do housework. 132 00:05:05,456 --> 00:05:08,123 (both laughing) 133 00:05:24,032 --> 00:05:28,199 So you said this iron watch am a call it is radioactive? 134 00:05:28,588 --> 00:05:30,567 Oh yes, extremely radioactive. 135 00:05:30,568 --> 00:05:32,947 Probably far, far more radioactive than it will 136 00:05:32,948 --> 00:05:35,576 ever need to be in its unimaginably long lifespan. 137 00:05:35,577 --> 00:05:38,114 But, not to worry, we've taken every measure necessary 138 00:05:38,115 --> 00:05:40,864 to ensure the safe handling of both the iron core 139 00:05:40,865 --> 00:05:44,761 and the vat of gallons upon gallons of nuclear waste 140 00:05:44,762 --> 00:05:47,261 produced every minute during the energy process. 141 00:05:47,262 --> 00:05:48,565 Why (chuckles) it would take 142 00:05:48,566 --> 00:05:49,920 quite the frightening catastrophe 143 00:05:49,921 --> 00:05:52,166 for anything to possibly go wrong with any of this 144 00:05:52,167 --> 00:05:54,672 immeasurably radioactive materials. 145 00:05:54,673 --> 00:05:55,997 And we certainly aren't expecting any 146 00:05:55,998 --> 00:05:59,096 frightening catastrophes anytime soon, right doc? 147 00:05:59,097 --> 00:06:01,193 [Dr. Chang] Hmm, indeed. 148 00:06:01,194 --> 00:06:04,247 Well, I can see you have all this under control. 149 00:06:04,248 --> 00:06:05,451 Why, only an absolute fool would even 150 00:06:05,452 --> 00:06:09,619 dare consider the possibility of unexpected danger. 151 00:06:09,792 --> 00:06:13,215 Let me see that baseball trick again, son. 152 00:06:13,216 --> 00:06:14,216 Outstanding! 153 00:06:15,347 --> 00:06:17,094 Sorry to interrupt the fun, but by my schedule, 154 00:06:17,095 --> 00:06:19,092 it's time for Joe's lunch break. 155 00:06:19,093 --> 00:06:20,009 All right, that's enough of the 156 00:06:20,010 --> 00:06:21,349 Rollie Fingers routine, Joe. 157 00:06:21,350 --> 00:06:22,325 Time for lunch. 158 00:06:22,326 --> 00:06:23,960 As long as it's okay with you, Mr. President? 159 00:06:23,961 --> 00:06:25,618 Oh, don't let me get in the way. 160 00:06:25,619 --> 00:06:27,303 Astronauts can't zip around in outer space 161 00:06:27,304 --> 00:06:28,541 on an empty stomach. 162 00:06:28,542 --> 00:06:31,286 Let's see what Lisa packed for me this time. 163 00:06:31,287 --> 00:06:33,290 Lisa's his wife, she's a heck of a cook. 164 00:06:33,291 --> 00:06:34,188 Hot dog! 165 00:06:34,189 --> 00:06:35,723 A sloppy joe. 166 00:06:35,724 --> 00:06:39,431 Oh, Lisa makes the best sloppy Joes! 167 00:06:39,432 --> 00:06:42,115 I wish I could be in earth orbit right now. 168 00:06:42,116 --> 00:06:43,636 You said it. 169 00:06:43,637 --> 00:06:46,016 Ooh, I sure do like a good sloppy joe. 170 00:06:46,017 --> 00:06:47,389 All-American food. 171 00:06:47,390 --> 00:06:51,003 Ground beef, tomato sauce, diced onions. 172 00:06:51,004 --> 00:06:52,960 No onions here, Mr. President. 173 00:06:52,961 --> 00:06:55,427 My wife leaves them out, on account of I'm allergic. 174 00:06:55,428 --> 00:06:58,151 I swell up like a balloon and get very lethargic. 175 00:06:58,152 --> 00:06:59,685 It's like I can't move at all. 176 00:06:59,686 --> 00:07:01,342 I'm sorry to hear that, son. 177 00:07:01,343 --> 00:07:02,176 Don't be. 178 00:07:02,177 --> 00:07:03,992 Besides, there's no real reason for me to be 179 00:07:03,993 --> 00:07:05,622 mentioning it at all. 180 00:07:05,623 --> 00:07:08,015 That Lisa must be some woman. 181 00:07:08,016 --> 00:07:09,815 Not like the ol' ball and chain over here, 182 00:07:09,816 --> 00:07:11,796 if you fellas know what I mean. 183 00:07:11,797 --> 00:07:14,625 Hey Ed, I'm getting some strange readings on the radar. 184 00:07:14,626 --> 00:07:15,495 Yeah, me too. 185 00:07:15,496 --> 00:07:17,557 What do you make of this? 186 00:07:17,558 --> 00:07:18,509 That can't be. 187 00:07:18,510 --> 00:07:20,375 It goes against all of our calculations. 188 00:07:20,376 --> 00:07:21,445 [Mr. President] What is it? 189 00:07:21,446 --> 00:07:22,626 What am I looking at? 190 00:07:22,627 --> 00:07:23,873 Meteors! 191 00:07:23,874 --> 00:07:24,874 Meteors? 192 00:07:25,780 --> 00:07:26,806 Meteors, Mr. President. 193 00:07:26,807 --> 00:07:28,717 Chunks of rock flying around in space, 194 00:07:28,718 --> 00:07:31,034 ranging in size from a baked potato all the way to, 195 00:07:31,035 --> 00:07:32,950 oh say, Wisconsin. 196 00:07:32,951 --> 00:07:35,029 Oftentimes, these meteors get pulled in by earth's gravity 197 00:07:35,030 --> 00:07:37,789 but they burn up while passing through the atmosphere and 198 00:07:37,790 --> 00:07:39,900 land without causing any significant damage. 199 00:07:39,901 --> 00:07:42,371 But the Argo One is flying above the earth's atmosphere, 200 00:07:42,372 --> 00:07:44,994 where they retain their full size and destructive power. 201 00:07:44,995 --> 00:07:47,843 Just how many of these meteors are we talking about? 202 00:07:47,844 --> 00:07:49,690 Thousands, maybe millions. 203 00:07:49,691 --> 00:07:52,488 An entire meteor shower raining down over the Indian Ocean. 204 00:07:52,489 --> 00:07:55,290 This wasn't scheduled to happen until, 205 00:07:55,291 --> 00:07:56,717 oh, yeah, right. 206 00:07:56,718 --> 00:07:57,927 All right, hey Joe, lunch is over. 207 00:07:57,928 --> 00:07:59,993 I need you buckled in and ready for some trick maneuvers. 208 00:07:59,994 --> 00:08:02,029 You'll need to boost thrusters by 18%, 209 00:08:02,030 --> 00:08:05,398 and steer three degrees to your left. 210 00:08:05,399 --> 00:08:06,399 Wait... 211 00:08:08,868 --> 00:08:10,296 Yeah, that's right, your left. 212 00:08:10,297 --> 00:08:11,266 We've got more to worry about. 213 00:08:11,267 --> 00:08:12,644 I'm getting an excessive amount of radiation 214 00:08:12,645 --> 00:08:14,552 from the Argo One's external sensors. 215 00:08:14,553 --> 00:08:15,760 The Hemmler Field! 216 00:08:15,761 --> 00:08:16,914 At this time of day? 217 00:08:16,915 --> 00:08:17,748 But how? 218 00:08:17,749 --> 00:08:19,334 What's the Hemmler Field? 219 00:08:19,335 --> 00:08:21,399 An intense mass of deadly omega particles 220 00:08:21,400 --> 00:08:25,414 sort of locked in space, captured by earth's magnetic field, 221 00:08:25,415 --> 00:08:26,961 hovering high above the atmosphere, 222 00:08:26,962 --> 00:08:29,292 right about where the Argo One is in orbit. 223 00:08:29,293 --> 00:08:31,370 Usually quite harmless but, a few years ago, 224 00:08:31,371 --> 00:08:33,544 Dr. Heinz Hemmler discovered that certain sections 225 00:08:33,545 --> 00:08:35,661 of the particle field could overload and become 226 00:08:35,662 --> 00:08:37,789 all too dangerous during certain times of night. 227 00:08:37,790 --> 00:08:38,875 But it's not night. 228 00:08:38,876 --> 00:08:41,355 We specifically planned this to be a daytime mission. 229 00:08:41,356 --> 00:08:42,794 But we forgot. 230 00:08:42,795 --> 00:08:44,744 You see, in America, it's daytime, 231 00:08:44,745 --> 00:08:47,562 but on the other side of the world, it's night. 232 00:08:47,563 --> 00:08:50,230 (ominous music) 233 00:08:56,023 --> 00:08:57,591 Don't worry boys, I've seen worse. 234 00:08:57,592 --> 00:08:58,855 I flew in two wars, 235 00:08:58,856 --> 00:09:00,455 and shot down hundreds of enemy fighters, 236 00:09:00,456 --> 00:09:04,289 all while dodging artillery heavier than this. 237 00:09:05,390 --> 00:09:06,346 If I can survive all that, 238 00:09:06,347 --> 00:09:07,888 I sure as heck can survive a meteor shower 239 00:09:07,889 --> 00:09:09,889 and a wall of radiation. 240 00:09:12,433 --> 00:09:14,640 Severe damage to the artificial gravity unit. 241 00:09:14,641 --> 00:09:15,972 The whole system's ready to overload. 242 00:09:15,973 --> 00:09:18,640 (alarm beeping) 243 00:09:19,825 --> 00:09:23,242 Damn it Joe, hold it together up there! 244 00:09:27,228 --> 00:09:29,978 He's entered the Hemmler Field. 245 00:09:32,359 --> 00:09:33,359 What the? 246 00:09:35,602 --> 00:09:37,525 The waste from the core is spilling over. 247 00:09:37,526 --> 00:09:39,101 Shut down the artificial gravity unit. 248 00:09:39,102 --> 00:09:41,259 That should contain the leak. 249 00:09:41,260 --> 00:09:42,328 Nothing's happening. 250 00:09:42,329 --> 00:09:44,898 You'll have to switch it off manually, Joe. 251 00:09:44,899 --> 00:09:47,318 (alarm beeping) 252 00:09:47,319 --> 00:09:50,569 (electricity sparking) 253 00:09:51,540 --> 00:09:54,207 (Joe screaming) 254 00:10:09,076 --> 00:10:11,207 That was quite fun. 255 00:10:11,208 --> 00:10:14,047 And I sure did learn a lot too. 256 00:10:14,048 --> 00:10:16,472 What say we three head on out, grab some lunch of our own? 257 00:10:16,473 --> 00:10:17,984 That sounds fantastic. 258 00:10:17,985 --> 00:10:20,637 You know, the cafeteria here makes a mean Salisbury steak. 259 00:10:20,638 --> 00:10:21,975 If we hurry, we can probably grab some 260 00:10:21,976 --> 00:10:23,412 before they run out. 261 00:10:23,413 --> 00:10:26,754 Ed, fellas, you keep up the good work. 262 00:10:26,755 --> 00:10:29,687 Salisbury steak, yes sir. 263 00:10:29,688 --> 00:10:30,938 I like gravy! 264 00:10:34,987 --> 00:10:36,334 (Lisa humming) 265 00:10:36,335 --> 00:10:38,946 (phone ringing) 266 00:10:38,947 --> 00:10:39,855 Hello? 267 00:10:39,856 --> 00:10:41,390 Lisa, it's Ed Farley here. 268 00:10:41,391 --> 00:10:42,974 Well hello, Ed Farley. 269 00:10:42,975 --> 00:10:44,333 It's great to hear your voice. 270 00:10:44,334 --> 00:10:46,550 How are things down at Mission Control? 271 00:10:46,551 --> 00:10:48,953 I've got some bad news, Lisa. 272 00:10:48,954 --> 00:10:49,879 What? 273 00:10:49,880 --> 00:10:51,445 Bad news, what is it? 274 00:10:51,446 --> 00:10:53,243 Are you sitting down? 275 00:10:53,244 --> 00:10:54,285 Am I sitting down? 276 00:10:54,286 --> 00:10:56,461 No, why, what's wrong? 277 00:10:56,462 --> 00:10:59,063 There's been a terrible accident. 278 00:10:59,064 --> 00:11:00,981 There's been a terrible accident? 279 00:11:00,982 --> 00:11:03,779 Oh no, is it Joe, what happened? 280 00:11:03,780 --> 00:11:06,105 Joe's ship, it flew through a radioactive meteor shower, 281 00:11:06,106 --> 00:11:08,075 completely destroying the ship's computers and 282 00:11:08,076 --> 00:11:09,473 causing some kind of malfunction that 283 00:11:09,474 --> 00:11:11,551 could have contaminated Joe. 284 00:11:11,552 --> 00:11:13,636 Right now, the ship is decaying in orbit, 285 00:11:13,637 --> 00:11:16,105 and we highly doubt that he'll survive the impending crash. 286 00:11:16,106 --> 00:11:19,521 Joe's capsule flew through a radioactive meteor storm 287 00:11:19,522 --> 00:11:22,377 and it completely destroyed the ship's computers, 288 00:11:22,378 --> 00:11:25,663 causing a malfunction that seems to have contaminated Joe? 289 00:11:25,664 --> 00:11:27,787 And his ship is now in a decaying orbit, 290 00:11:27,788 --> 00:11:30,997 and you highly doubt he'll survive the impending crash? 291 00:11:30,998 --> 00:11:32,050 That's horrible! 292 00:11:32,051 --> 00:11:33,666 That's absolutely horrible! 293 00:11:33,667 --> 00:11:35,406 Whatever can I do? 294 00:11:35,407 --> 00:11:36,873 Not much at the moment, I'm afraid. 295 00:11:36,874 --> 00:11:38,252 Not much at the moment? 296 00:11:38,253 --> 00:11:39,781 Now you listen, Ed Farley. 297 00:11:39,782 --> 00:11:41,083 As the wife of an astronaut, 298 00:11:41,084 --> 00:11:43,278 I deserve to be involved somehow. 299 00:11:43,279 --> 00:11:45,900 After all, if he dies, I'm obligated to serve 300 00:11:45,901 --> 00:11:48,109 the remainder of his term. 301 00:11:48,110 --> 00:11:49,066 All right Lisa. 302 00:11:49,067 --> 00:11:50,192 - What? - Well listen, Dr. Chang... 303 00:11:50,193 --> 00:11:51,132 - What's that Ed? - Went down to the cafeteria... 304 00:11:51,133 --> 00:11:52,210 - To get some lunch but when... - You say Dr. Chang has gone 305 00:11:52,211 --> 00:11:53,099 - He gets back, we're gonna... - Down to the cafeteria 306 00:11:53,099 --> 00:11:53,932 - Start the calculations... - For lunch? 307 00:11:53,932 --> 00:11:54,765 - Needed to figure out just... - So when he returns... 308 00:11:54,765 --> 00:11:55,598 - Where Joe is going to come... - You'll start the... 309 00:11:55,598 --> 00:11:56,431 - Crashing down in some sort... - Calculations needed... 310 00:11:56,432 --> 00:11:57,625 - Of hellish blaze, smashing... - To figure out where... 311 00:11:57,626 --> 00:11:58,750 - Into the earth's surface... - Joe's ship is going to... 312 00:11:58,751 --> 00:11:59,584 - At speeds so great... - Come crashing down in some... 313 00:11:59,584 --> 00:12:00,417 - No human being could... - Hellish blaze, smashing... 314 00:12:00,418 --> 00:12:02,093 - Possibly survive, or you... - Into the earth's surface... 315 00:12:02,094 --> 00:12:02,971 - Could come down to Mission... - At speeds so great... 316 00:12:02,972 --> 00:12:04,945 - Control to wait things out. - No human being could 317 00:12:04,946 --> 00:12:07,020 - With us. - Possibly survive? 318 00:12:07,021 --> 00:12:08,360 And in the meantime, why don't I come on down 319 00:12:08,361 --> 00:12:10,855 to Mission Control, I can wait things out there? 320 00:12:10,856 --> 00:12:12,547 Is that it, Ed? 321 00:12:12,548 --> 00:12:13,712 Yeah. 322 00:12:13,713 --> 00:12:15,340 Okay, I'll be right there. 323 00:12:15,341 --> 00:12:16,282 Oh hey Lisa, one more thing. 324 00:12:16,283 --> 00:12:17,614 On your way, could you bring... 325 00:12:17,615 --> 00:12:20,423 (ominous music) 326 00:12:20,424 --> 00:12:22,898 [Dr. Chang] Man, this is good Salisbury steak. 327 00:12:22,899 --> 00:12:24,165 Hey, what do they got with it, potatoes? 328 00:12:24,166 --> 00:12:25,981 Mashed potatoes, and I got the carrots. 329 00:12:25,982 --> 00:12:27,556 Yeah see, I'm not a big cooked carrot fan. 330 00:12:27,557 --> 00:12:28,390 That's just an option, 331 00:12:28,391 --> 00:12:30,851 they also have green bean, corn, and some sort of fruit cup. 332 00:12:30,852 --> 00:12:31,934 Now fruit cup, I could go for. 333 00:12:31,935 --> 00:12:33,147 Not a big fan of the fruit cup. 334 00:12:33,148 --> 00:12:34,087 Really? 335 00:12:34,088 --> 00:12:35,508 Yeah, pineapple, it gets everywhere, 336 00:12:35,509 --> 00:12:36,509 everything tastes like pineapple. 337 00:12:36,510 --> 00:12:37,343 You know how it is. 338 00:12:37,344 --> 00:12:39,307 I suppose so, but I really like the pineapple. 339 00:12:39,308 --> 00:12:40,194 Now the fruit cup's your thing. 340 00:12:40,195 --> 00:12:41,224 Fruit cup's my thing. 341 00:12:41,225 --> 00:12:43,749 Dr. Chang, we've been monitoring Joe's radio signal. 342 00:12:43,750 --> 00:12:45,020 Uh, wondering if you wanted an update. 343 00:12:45,021 --> 00:12:46,771 Yes, let's hear it. 344 00:12:47,737 --> 00:12:50,404 (Joe screaming) 345 00:12:51,687 --> 00:12:53,666 Hmm, well, that is to be expected. 346 00:12:53,667 --> 00:12:55,510 After all, won't be long until Joe's crashing down 347 00:12:55,511 --> 00:12:57,640 in some hellish blaze, smashing into the earth's surface 348 00:12:57,641 --> 00:13:00,777 at speeds so great, no human being could possibly survive. 349 00:13:00,778 --> 00:13:03,400 Now let's see this map. 350 00:13:03,401 --> 00:13:05,309 Here are those calculations you requested, doctor. 351 00:13:05,310 --> 00:13:06,738 These are the latest from the Computron? 352 00:13:06,739 --> 00:13:07,572 Yes, doctor. 353 00:13:07,573 --> 00:13:08,860 Hmm, very good. 354 00:13:08,861 --> 00:13:09,861 Let's see. 355 00:13:10,664 --> 00:13:13,414 (dramatic music) 356 00:13:30,230 --> 00:13:32,116 Well, I got here as fast as I could. 357 00:13:32,117 --> 00:13:33,556 Well maybe you should try a little harder next time. 358 00:13:33,557 --> 00:13:34,463 [Lisa] Any word on Joe? 359 00:13:34,463 --> 00:13:35,401 Yeah. 360 00:13:35,401 --> 00:13:36,401 Go ahead. 361 00:13:36,402 --> 00:13:39,068 (Joe screaming) 362 00:13:40,560 --> 00:13:42,656 Oh, my poor, poor Joe. 363 00:13:42,657 --> 00:13:44,902 You can help him, can't you, Ed? 364 00:13:44,903 --> 00:13:46,456 It's all up to Dr. Chang at this point. 365 00:13:46,457 --> 00:13:48,090 Yes, that's it! 366 00:13:48,091 --> 00:13:52,258 The Argo One is due to make landfall right about here. 367 00:13:52,309 --> 00:13:53,719 In about five minutes, I'd say. 368 00:13:53,720 --> 00:13:55,236 [Floyd] Well that's not too far from here. 369 00:13:55,237 --> 00:13:56,786 Yeah, that's Old Man Hampton's farm. 370 00:13:56,787 --> 00:13:58,373 I used to go cow-tipping there when I was a boy. 371 00:13:58,374 --> 00:14:00,017 If we take this old back road here, 372 00:14:00,018 --> 00:14:01,867 we'll be there in no time. 373 00:14:01,868 --> 00:14:04,138 I'll get the medical kit. 374 00:14:04,139 --> 00:14:04,976 What is it? 375 00:14:04,977 --> 00:14:06,373 How recent are these latest readings? 376 00:14:06,374 --> 00:14:07,568 Hot off the presses. 377 00:14:07,569 --> 00:14:09,238 And you're certain about the accuracy? 378 00:14:09,239 --> 00:14:11,058 Oh, you know the Computron's as good as it gets. 379 00:14:11,059 --> 00:14:12,554 There's nothing better on this planet. 380 00:14:12,555 --> 00:14:13,882 Then it's worse than I thought. 381 00:14:13,883 --> 00:14:16,874 The levels of radiation and other toxins inside the Argo One 382 00:14:16,875 --> 00:14:19,962 are, why I've never seen anything quite like it. 383 00:14:19,963 --> 00:14:21,190 The numbers are simply, 384 00:14:21,191 --> 00:14:24,450 for lack of a better word, astronomical. 385 00:14:24,451 --> 00:14:26,128 Well what does that mean for Joe? 386 00:14:26,129 --> 00:14:27,216 I'm not sure. 387 00:14:27,217 --> 00:14:28,345 I'll be able to say with more certainty 388 00:14:28,346 --> 00:14:29,968 once I see the inevitable wreckage. 389 00:14:29,969 --> 00:14:32,226 After all, with the Argo One crashing down 390 00:14:32,227 --> 00:14:35,091 in some hellish blaze, smashing into the earth's surface 391 00:14:35,092 --> 00:14:38,407 at speeds so great, no human being could possibly survive, 392 00:14:38,408 --> 00:14:40,641 I'd say a colossal dose of radioactive materials 393 00:14:40,642 --> 00:14:43,017 would probably be the least of Joe's concerns. 394 00:14:43,018 --> 00:14:45,649 I'd guess that a fiery demise would be sweet, 395 00:14:45,650 --> 00:14:49,401 sweet relief, compared to the unholy agony 396 00:14:49,402 --> 00:14:51,680 that would await him if he were to survive. 397 00:14:51,681 --> 00:14:54,264 (Lisa sobbing) 398 00:14:57,828 --> 00:15:01,078 (Murray clears throat) 399 00:15:07,534 --> 00:15:08,886 But I'm sure he'll be just fine. 400 00:15:08,887 --> 00:15:10,009 Yeah, yeah. 401 00:15:10,010 --> 00:15:10,843 Let's go. 402 00:15:10,844 --> 00:15:12,386 Yeah, yeah. 403 00:15:12,387 --> 00:15:13,820 Ooh, I got shotgun. 404 00:15:13,821 --> 00:15:16,988 (upbeat gentle music) 405 00:15:20,046 --> 00:15:20,879 [Radio Announcer] That's the sort of song 406 00:15:20,880 --> 00:15:22,072 that makes you want to get a little closer 407 00:15:22,073 --> 00:15:23,383 to someone you love. 408 00:15:23,384 --> 00:15:24,871 Yeah, tell me about it. 409 00:15:24,872 --> 00:15:25,705 [Radio Announcer] Now here's a little something 410 00:15:25,706 --> 00:15:26,893 for all the lovebirds out there called 411 00:15:26,894 --> 00:15:29,336 "Raincoats Are For Sailors". 412 00:15:29,337 --> 00:15:32,188 Let's make our own music, baby. 413 00:15:32,189 --> 00:15:33,729 (electronic warbling) 414 00:15:33,730 --> 00:15:35,166 Holy cow! 415 00:15:35,167 --> 00:15:36,194 What do you think that was? 416 00:15:36,195 --> 00:15:37,028 I, I don't know. 417 00:15:37,028 --> 00:15:37,963 Something going that fast, 418 00:15:37,964 --> 00:15:40,013 packing that much of a wallop, 419 00:15:40,014 --> 00:15:41,791 you know, I bet it was that spaceship that crashed 420 00:15:41,792 --> 00:15:42,663 earlier today. 421 00:15:42,664 --> 00:15:43,799 The uh, what's it called? 422 00:15:43,800 --> 00:15:45,024 The Argo One. 423 00:15:45,025 --> 00:15:46,195 The Argo One? 424 00:15:46,196 --> 00:15:47,056 The Argo One. 425 00:15:47,057 --> 00:15:48,642 It was all over the news, didn't you hear? 426 00:15:48,643 --> 00:15:50,410 Something went haywire while it was in orbit. 427 00:15:50,411 --> 00:15:52,531 The authorities figured it was bound to come crashing down 428 00:15:52,532 --> 00:15:53,647 sooner or later. 429 00:15:53,648 --> 00:15:54,631 That's terrible. 430 00:15:54,632 --> 00:15:56,392 Yeah but, the astronauts knew what kind of danger 431 00:15:56,393 --> 00:15:57,406 they were getting into. 432 00:15:57,407 --> 00:15:59,723 And besides, a rescue team will be along soon enough. 433 00:15:59,724 --> 00:16:00,677 Oh. 434 00:16:00,678 --> 00:16:02,427 Now, where were we? 435 00:16:04,630 --> 00:16:07,792 Tom, don't you think we should go see if we can help? 436 00:16:07,793 --> 00:16:09,677 Oh, I don't know about that. 437 00:16:09,678 --> 00:16:11,845 But, there could be an injured man out there. 438 00:16:11,846 --> 00:16:13,404 And with these back roads, who knows how long it would take 439 00:16:13,405 --> 00:16:14,983 for help to arrive? 440 00:16:14,984 --> 00:16:15,878 Yeah, but Betty... 441 00:16:15,879 --> 00:16:17,491 Tom, would you sit here and make out 442 00:16:17,492 --> 00:16:19,860 rather than help somebody? 443 00:16:19,861 --> 00:16:20,861 Yes? 444 00:16:21,633 --> 00:16:22,466 Get my coat. 445 00:16:22,467 --> 00:16:23,996 We're gonna find that spaceship. 446 00:16:23,997 --> 00:16:27,374 Oh okay but, I might need a minute before I can stand up. 447 00:16:27,375 --> 00:16:30,332 (Betty sighs) 448 00:16:30,333 --> 00:16:31,622 I think I see it. 449 00:16:31,623 --> 00:16:33,805 (ominous music) 450 00:16:33,806 --> 00:16:37,056 (electricity sparking) 451 00:16:43,202 --> 00:16:44,202 [Tom] Wow. 452 00:16:45,476 --> 00:16:48,159 Do you think anyone could be alive in there? 453 00:16:48,160 --> 00:16:51,577 I don't know, only one way to find out. 454 00:16:53,268 --> 00:16:55,398 Hey, anyone alive in there? 455 00:16:55,399 --> 00:16:56,694 (Joe groaning) 456 00:16:56,695 --> 00:16:59,612 Don't worry, I'm gonna get you out. 457 00:17:03,466 --> 00:17:04,633 Get him out! 458 00:17:06,141 --> 00:17:07,141 Hurry up! 459 00:17:08,611 --> 00:17:10,029 Up there, there! 460 00:17:10,030 --> 00:17:11,030 Right. 461 00:17:14,325 --> 00:17:15,702 You're gonna have to push. 462 00:17:15,703 --> 00:17:17,933 He wouldn't have to push if you were stronger. 463 00:17:17,934 --> 00:17:19,524 Dr. Chang, you and I better get out now 464 00:17:19,525 --> 00:17:21,534 and make our way to the crash site on foot. 465 00:17:21,535 --> 00:17:23,597 Floyd, Murray, you drive around a little bit more, 466 00:17:23,598 --> 00:17:25,528 see if you can find a closer place to park. 467 00:17:25,529 --> 00:17:27,022 And keep an eye on Lisa. 468 00:17:27,023 --> 00:17:29,292 I don't think she's gonna like what we find. 469 00:17:29,293 --> 00:17:30,648 You got it. 470 00:17:30,649 --> 00:17:33,316 (ominous music) 471 00:17:34,706 --> 00:17:37,456 You're almost there, just push! 472 00:17:39,362 --> 00:17:42,112 (both screaming) 473 00:17:48,678 --> 00:17:50,614 (growling) 474 00:17:50,615 --> 00:17:52,948 (screaming) 475 00:18:13,656 --> 00:18:14,656 No! 476 00:18:20,984 --> 00:18:22,988 (chuckling) 477 00:18:22,989 --> 00:18:26,011 Oh, oh Bugs Meany, you are up to your old tricks. 478 00:18:26,012 --> 00:18:28,286 But you're not gonna get away with it this time. 479 00:18:28,287 --> 00:18:29,314 That's right. 480 00:18:29,315 --> 00:18:32,787 Turn to page 110, and see the end. 481 00:18:32,788 --> 00:18:34,278 Yep, I was right. 482 00:18:34,279 --> 00:18:37,196 (beastly growling) 483 00:18:45,267 --> 00:18:46,767 Oh, damn raccoons. 484 00:18:49,868 --> 00:18:52,865 (Old Man Hampton grumbling) 485 00:18:52,866 --> 00:18:54,632 Okay, who's out here? 486 00:18:54,633 --> 00:18:57,633 (suspenseful music) 487 00:19:01,652 --> 00:19:03,156 I can hear you out there. 488 00:19:03,157 --> 00:19:05,907 (eerie burbling) 489 00:19:17,213 --> 00:19:18,713 Great Santy Claus! 490 00:19:21,860 --> 00:19:24,443 (rifle firing) 491 00:19:33,787 --> 00:19:37,954 (Old Man Hampton screaming) (beastly groaning) 492 00:19:38,394 --> 00:19:39,394 No, no, no! 493 00:19:44,186 --> 00:19:47,391 (monitor clicking) 494 00:19:47,392 --> 00:19:49,599 Oh God, what a mess. 495 00:19:49,600 --> 00:19:50,746 Yeah, there's no way you could survive 496 00:19:50,747 --> 00:19:52,652 an accident like that without suffering a large amount 497 00:19:52,653 --> 00:19:54,025 of horrible mutilation. 498 00:19:54,026 --> 00:19:55,670 You know, I've seen a lot of horrible things in my time 499 00:19:55,671 --> 00:19:57,577 in the space industry, but this takes the cake. 500 00:19:57,578 --> 00:19:58,694 Joe has gotta be walking through 501 00:19:58,695 --> 00:20:00,426 the pearly gates as we speak. 502 00:20:00,427 --> 00:20:02,759 Or dealing with Ol' Pitch downstairs, is more like it. 503 00:20:02,760 --> 00:20:04,742 I mean let's face it, Joe was no saint. 504 00:20:04,743 --> 00:20:06,292 You remember that weekend in Tallahassee 505 00:20:06,293 --> 00:20:07,492 when we bought all that bad ecstasy... 506 00:20:07,493 --> 00:20:08,436 - Oh my God... - And Joe punched that cop 507 00:20:08,437 --> 00:20:09,454 in the face? 508 00:20:09,455 --> 00:20:11,483 And then we hired those triplets for the whole day? 509 00:20:11,484 --> 00:20:13,590 He couldn't walk straight for a week after that. 510 00:20:13,591 --> 00:20:15,393 Then we had to tell his stupid wife it was a... 511 00:20:15,394 --> 00:20:16,871 [Both] Water ski accident! 512 00:20:16,872 --> 00:20:17,705 (both laughing) 513 00:20:17,706 --> 00:20:19,455 God, if I know Joe, he is walking through 514 00:20:19,456 --> 00:20:21,374 the bowels of hell as we speak. 515 00:20:21,375 --> 00:20:24,009 (both laughing) 516 00:20:24,010 --> 00:20:26,851 (Lisa sobbing) 517 00:20:26,852 --> 00:20:30,173 (Murray clears throat) 518 00:20:30,174 --> 00:20:31,150 But I'm sure he's... 519 00:20:31,151 --> 00:20:32,726 [Floyd And Murray] Fine, fine. 520 00:20:32,727 --> 00:20:33,727 Yeah. 521 00:20:34,935 --> 00:20:36,964 (monitor clicking) 522 00:20:36,965 --> 00:20:40,995 Say, what do you make of this right here? 523 00:20:40,996 --> 00:20:43,851 Hmm, this looks like a skeleton. 524 00:20:43,852 --> 00:20:45,110 Could it be Joe? 525 00:20:45,111 --> 00:20:46,199 Doubtful. 526 00:20:46,200 --> 00:20:48,737 This is the remains of a teenage female. 527 00:20:48,738 --> 00:20:50,109 Not a full-grown male. 528 00:20:50,110 --> 00:20:51,634 What do you think happened to her? 529 00:20:51,635 --> 00:20:54,195 Hmm, if I were to hazard a guess I'd say 530 00:20:54,196 --> 00:20:56,752 this girl was absorbed. 531 00:20:56,753 --> 00:20:57,718 Absorbed? 532 00:20:57,719 --> 00:20:59,565 Yes, see this residue here? 533 00:20:59,566 --> 00:21:02,483 This could be traces of, well, mmm. 534 00:21:10,562 --> 00:21:12,185 Mmm. 535 00:21:12,186 --> 00:21:13,082 If I didn't know any better, 536 00:21:13,083 --> 00:21:17,249 I'd say this was a case of meat being consumed by meat. 537 00:21:18,023 --> 00:21:18,856 Meat? 538 00:21:18,857 --> 00:21:20,513 As in the girl's flesh? 539 00:21:20,514 --> 00:21:22,194 What animal could do this to her? 540 00:21:22,195 --> 00:21:24,700 Again, this is mere speculation at this point but, 541 00:21:24,701 --> 00:21:26,799 this was no woodland creature eating this poor girl 542 00:21:26,800 --> 00:21:28,004 to the bone. 543 00:21:28,005 --> 00:21:30,769 This was, well I'd like to take some samples, 544 00:21:30,770 --> 00:21:31,744 and get 'em back to the lab. 545 00:21:31,745 --> 00:21:33,075 I could be more certain then. 546 00:21:33,076 --> 00:21:35,289 It must be Joe, I just know it. 547 00:21:35,290 --> 00:21:37,531 Well actually, Lisa, Joe's body wasn't in the capsule. 548 00:21:37,532 --> 00:21:39,233 We don't really know what happened to him. 549 00:21:39,234 --> 00:21:40,604 [Lisa] Are you sure? 550 00:21:40,605 --> 00:21:42,376 Not entirely, no. 551 00:21:42,377 --> 00:21:44,655 Based on these remains here, it's quite possible Joe escaped 552 00:21:44,656 --> 00:21:47,915 from the Argo One, only to meet with a more gruesome fate 553 00:21:47,916 --> 00:21:49,793 in these very woods. 554 00:21:49,794 --> 00:21:52,377 (Lisa sobbing) 555 00:21:54,394 --> 00:21:55,394 Grow a pair. 556 00:21:56,498 --> 00:21:57,832 Is this Joe's skeleton? 557 00:21:57,833 --> 00:22:00,202 Actually, these are the remains of a teenage girl. 558 00:22:00,203 --> 00:22:01,036 [Murray] What happened? 559 00:22:01,037 --> 00:22:03,205 [Ed] Dr. Chang says that she's been absorbed. 560 00:22:03,206 --> 00:22:04,927 You boys help me gather up some samples but, 561 00:22:04,928 --> 00:22:05,761 be most careful. 562 00:22:05,762 --> 00:22:07,794 We don't want to contaminate any of the specimens. 563 00:22:07,795 --> 00:22:09,801 Yeah, all right. 564 00:22:09,802 --> 00:22:11,438 You all right? 565 00:22:11,439 --> 00:22:13,205 Dr. Chang seems to have a hunch. 566 00:22:13,206 --> 00:22:14,997 And I'd sure like to know if his hunch and my hunch 567 00:22:14,998 --> 00:22:16,581 are the same hunch. 568 00:22:18,194 --> 00:22:19,234 Floyd? - Hmm? 569 00:22:19,235 --> 00:22:21,566 Take Dr. Chang back to the lab, run some test results. 570 00:22:21,567 --> 00:22:22,512 See what you guys figure out. 571 00:22:22,512 --> 00:22:23,345 Right. 572 00:22:23,346 --> 00:22:24,526 Murray, I want you to come with us. 573 00:22:24,527 --> 00:22:25,567 These woods can be dangerous. 574 00:22:25,568 --> 00:22:26,544 All right. 575 00:22:26,545 --> 00:22:28,669 Floyd, go get the car. 576 00:22:28,670 --> 00:22:30,341 Take Dr. Chang back to the lab. 577 00:22:30,342 --> 00:22:32,200 See what you guys can figure out with these specimens. 578 00:22:32,201 --> 00:22:33,034 Got it. 579 00:22:33,035 --> 00:22:34,309 Murray, you're coming with us. 580 00:22:34,310 --> 00:22:35,233 I could use backup. 581 00:22:35,234 --> 00:22:36,536 All right boss. 582 00:22:36,537 --> 00:22:38,627 Floyd, you and Dr. Chang go back to the lab, 583 00:22:38,628 --> 00:22:39,748 see what you find. 584 00:22:39,749 --> 00:22:42,016 And Murray, you're coming with us. 585 00:22:42,017 --> 00:22:43,258 These woods can be dangerous, 586 00:22:43,259 --> 00:22:44,305 and I could use the backup. 587 00:22:44,306 --> 00:22:45,341 All right. 588 00:22:45,342 --> 00:22:47,367 Ed, I'd like to come with you too. 589 00:22:47,368 --> 00:22:50,071 If Joe is out there somewhere, he may need my help. 590 00:22:50,072 --> 00:22:50,970 All right Lisa. 591 00:22:50,971 --> 00:22:52,474 But Murray, you might want to come too, 592 00:22:52,475 --> 00:22:54,279 just in case something goes wrong. 593 00:22:54,280 --> 00:22:55,613 Let's do this. 594 00:23:01,359 --> 00:23:04,109 (Floyd grunting) 595 00:23:18,721 --> 00:23:20,546 These tracks seem to be getting bigger. 596 00:23:20,547 --> 00:23:21,714 Yeah, weird. 597 00:23:32,525 --> 00:23:33,525 Got it. 598 00:23:34,195 --> 00:23:35,338 Ha! 599 00:23:35,339 --> 00:23:38,089 (Lisa screaming) 600 00:23:39,783 --> 00:23:40,950 Is that Joe? 601 00:23:42,786 --> 00:23:45,430 No, I don't think that's Joe. 602 00:23:45,431 --> 00:23:47,488 My instincts tell me Joe is still alive. 603 00:23:47,489 --> 00:23:49,524 You don't think Joe killed those people? 604 00:23:49,525 --> 00:23:50,834 Joe? 605 00:23:50,835 --> 00:23:53,132 He may have been an A-hole but, 606 00:23:53,133 --> 00:23:54,983 I don't think Joe's a killer. 607 00:23:54,984 --> 00:23:56,886 There's no way he could have done this unless he was 608 00:23:56,887 --> 00:23:59,992 really fast and had a lot of knives. 609 00:23:59,993 --> 00:24:02,301 Ed, Lisa, check this out. 610 00:24:02,302 --> 00:24:04,552 Trail keeps going this way. 611 00:24:05,854 --> 00:24:08,229 You think you can still do it? 612 00:24:08,230 --> 00:24:09,230 Good. 613 00:24:10,610 --> 00:24:12,479 Unless he had one of those electric knives, 614 00:24:12,480 --> 00:24:14,230 like at Thanksgiving. 615 00:24:17,868 --> 00:24:20,535 Hey guys, there's another one. 616 00:24:26,000 --> 00:24:29,500 He's stripped clean, just like the others. 617 00:24:31,098 --> 00:24:33,011 How does he do it? 618 00:24:33,012 --> 00:24:35,929 (beastly growling) 619 00:24:38,439 --> 00:24:40,638 Could be raccoons. 620 00:24:40,639 --> 00:24:42,481 Is that you, Joe? 621 00:24:42,482 --> 00:24:45,482 (suspenseful music) 622 00:24:56,471 --> 00:24:57,799 All right, ready? 623 00:24:57,800 --> 00:24:58,737 On three, 624 00:24:58,737 --> 00:24:59,570 one, 625 00:24:59,570 --> 00:25:00,403 two, 626 00:25:00,403 --> 00:25:01,403 three. 627 00:25:02,393 --> 00:25:04,503 (ominous music) 628 00:25:04,504 --> 00:25:08,671 (Lisa screaming) (gun firing) 629 00:25:09,100 --> 00:25:10,517 It's no use, run! 630 00:25:15,267 --> 00:25:16,516 It's worse than I thought. 631 00:25:16,517 --> 00:25:17,709 Was that Joe? 632 00:25:17,710 --> 00:25:19,663 What could have turned Joe into that thing? 633 00:25:19,664 --> 00:25:21,129 That's for Dr. Chang to figure out, 634 00:25:21,130 --> 00:25:22,714 but I'm betting it has something to do with the accident 635 00:25:22,715 --> 00:25:24,145 over the Indian Ocean. 636 00:25:24,146 --> 00:25:25,931 There's gotta be something I can do. 637 00:25:25,932 --> 00:25:27,731 Some way to reason with him. 638 00:25:27,732 --> 00:25:29,921 Lisa, I don't think that thing is capable of reason. 639 00:25:29,922 --> 00:25:32,184 That thing is my husband. 640 00:25:32,185 --> 00:25:33,414 Not anymore. 641 00:25:33,415 --> 00:25:35,264 Joe Neumann as we knew him doesn't exist. 642 00:25:35,265 --> 00:25:37,471 There's gotta be some way we can fight it. 643 00:25:37,472 --> 00:25:40,411 If bullets don't work, I don't know what can. 644 00:25:40,412 --> 00:25:41,289 (gasps) 645 00:25:41,289 --> 00:25:42,251 Look! 646 00:25:42,252 --> 00:25:43,471 Oh, hey! (gun firing) 647 00:25:43,472 --> 00:25:44,472 Listen you! 648 00:25:45,640 --> 00:25:48,557 (Murray screaming) 649 00:25:52,645 --> 00:25:53,645 Come on! 650 00:25:56,713 --> 00:25:59,630 (beastly growling) 651 00:26:00,504 --> 00:26:01,671 [Both] Keys! 652 00:26:05,168 --> 00:26:06,918 - The farmer! - What? 653 00:26:07,993 --> 00:26:08,829 Lisa don't go! 654 00:26:08,829 --> 00:26:09,727 All right! 655 00:26:09,728 --> 00:26:12,644 (Murray screaming) 656 00:26:17,298 --> 00:26:18,131 (Ed chuckling) 657 00:26:18,131 --> 00:26:19,131 Yeah! 658 00:26:26,645 --> 00:26:29,080 (engine chugging) Come on! 659 00:26:29,081 --> 00:26:30,558 Come on! 660 00:26:30,559 --> 00:26:31,759 Yeah! 661 00:26:31,760 --> 00:26:33,085 Go! 662 00:26:33,086 --> 00:26:36,167 (tires squealing) 663 00:26:36,168 --> 00:26:39,085 (beastly growling) 664 00:26:42,011 --> 00:26:43,011 Doctor! 665 00:26:43,938 --> 00:26:45,314 Doctor! 666 00:26:45,315 --> 00:26:46,696 Most fascinating. 667 00:26:46,697 --> 00:26:48,361 The molecular structure is unlike anything 668 00:26:48,362 --> 00:26:50,053 I've ever seen before. 669 00:26:50,054 --> 00:26:51,054 Dr. Chang. 670 00:26:51,930 --> 00:26:53,181 Dr. Chang! 671 00:26:53,182 --> 00:26:54,067 What is it? 672 00:26:54,067 --> 00:26:54,962 We found Joe. 673 00:26:54,963 --> 00:26:57,110 You did, what happened? 674 00:26:57,111 --> 00:26:58,192 I don't know how to describe it. 675 00:26:58,193 --> 00:26:59,611 Then don't. 676 00:26:59,612 --> 00:27:01,142 It was horrible. 677 00:27:01,143 --> 00:27:02,523 Too impossible to believe. 678 00:27:02,524 --> 00:27:03,821 Then I won't. 679 00:27:03,822 --> 00:27:05,437 Let me take a guess. 680 00:27:05,438 --> 00:27:08,369 Joe has mutated into a large, shapeless mass of 681 00:27:08,370 --> 00:27:11,074 loose ground beef and various other ingredients including 682 00:27:11,075 --> 00:27:14,819 tomato sauce and various other spices and seasonings. 683 00:27:14,820 --> 00:27:17,481 This mutated mass is capable of absorbing the flesh 684 00:27:17,482 --> 00:27:19,768 of living creatures and, as it does so, 685 00:27:19,769 --> 00:27:23,936 continues to grow at a rate only limited by its appetite. 686 00:27:24,228 --> 00:27:27,034 Joe Neumann as we know him no longer exists. 687 00:27:27,035 --> 00:27:29,925 His consciousness replaced with a simpler brain, 688 00:27:29,926 --> 00:27:33,392 one that is not capable of love or hate, 689 00:27:33,393 --> 00:27:34,476 good or evil, 690 00:27:35,596 --> 00:27:37,177 only hunger. 691 00:27:37,178 --> 00:27:39,428 Intense, unsatiable hunger. 692 00:27:40,745 --> 00:27:42,851 How do you know all this? 693 00:27:42,852 --> 00:27:44,690 Science, my dear girl. 694 00:27:44,691 --> 00:27:46,019 Science. 695 00:27:46,020 --> 00:27:48,650 A thorough analysis of the samples we took from the crash 696 00:27:48,651 --> 00:27:50,499 last night told me everything there is to know 697 00:27:50,500 --> 00:27:52,110 about Joe's transformation. 698 00:27:52,111 --> 00:27:55,159 For instance, while contact with any part of the meat 699 00:27:55,160 --> 00:27:58,553 while it's connected to the mutated mass that we call Joe 700 00:27:58,554 --> 00:28:02,245 is deadly indeed, any residue remaining in its wake, 701 00:28:02,246 --> 00:28:05,683 disconnected from the mass as part of a trail, 702 00:28:05,684 --> 00:28:08,383 for lack of a better words, is completely harmless. 703 00:28:08,384 --> 00:28:10,409 Delicious too, which is funny 'cause it's usually 704 00:28:10,410 --> 00:28:12,924 the onion that give it that nice, bold flavor, 705 00:28:12,925 --> 00:28:15,536 but seeing as Joe's mutation didn't involve any onion, 706 00:28:15,537 --> 00:28:17,653 I guess it's something else in the recipe. 707 00:28:17,654 --> 00:28:20,446 Well, there's Worcestershire sauce, that could be it. 708 00:28:20,447 --> 00:28:21,528 Or maybe mustard. 709 00:28:21,529 --> 00:28:24,188 The recipe does call for a pinch of mustard. 710 00:28:24,189 --> 00:28:26,056 Could be the mustard. 711 00:28:26,057 --> 00:28:27,222 I mean, it tastes great. 712 00:28:27,223 --> 00:28:28,056 Not that it matters. 713 00:28:28,057 --> 00:28:29,124 I mean, there's no real logical reason 714 00:28:29,125 --> 00:28:30,567 for me saying any of this at all. 715 00:28:30,568 --> 00:28:32,192 (chuckles) 716 00:28:32,193 --> 00:28:34,339 This was one of the few pleasant surprises 717 00:28:34,340 --> 00:28:37,234 I uncovered during my efforts to understand the creature. 718 00:28:37,235 --> 00:28:38,300 Creature? 719 00:28:38,301 --> 00:28:40,933 Yes my dear, creature. 720 00:28:40,934 --> 00:28:44,805 We must no longer consider this entity to be Joe Neumann, 721 00:28:44,806 --> 00:28:45,973 American hero. 722 00:28:46,962 --> 00:28:49,492 We must strike out all notions that within this beast 723 00:28:49,493 --> 00:28:52,475 lies the heart of a caring husband. 724 00:28:52,476 --> 00:28:54,946 We must remained determined in our belief that there is 725 00:28:54,947 --> 00:28:59,114 no hope, no, none at all, for Joe as a human being. 726 00:29:00,813 --> 00:29:01,989 I won't believe it. 727 00:29:01,990 --> 00:29:03,433 I just won't. 728 00:29:03,434 --> 00:29:06,539 Hmm, believe what you will, but this creature 729 00:29:06,540 --> 00:29:08,593 must be destroyed at all costs. 730 00:29:08,594 --> 00:29:10,906 The fate of the country, nay, 731 00:29:10,907 --> 00:29:14,027 the fate of the very world itself depends on it. 732 00:29:14,028 --> 00:29:16,141 Now wait a minute doctor, the fate of the world? 733 00:29:16,142 --> 00:29:16,975 Yes. 734 00:29:16,976 --> 00:29:18,326 The fate of the world. 735 00:29:18,327 --> 00:29:21,621 You see, Joe will continue to grow, 736 00:29:21,622 --> 00:29:25,789 not only with every victim he devours, but with time itself. 737 00:29:26,352 --> 00:29:27,611 Let's see. 738 00:29:27,612 --> 00:29:30,131 The transformation started around 18 hours ago 739 00:29:30,132 --> 00:29:33,568 and began taking full effect during the crash last night. 740 00:29:33,569 --> 00:29:36,007 I'd estimate that, by later tonight, 741 00:29:36,008 --> 00:29:37,613 the creature's mass will have grown large enough 742 00:29:37,614 --> 00:29:41,781 to cover a city the size of, oh, say, Cincinnati. 743 00:29:42,457 --> 00:29:43,605 The Queen City? 744 00:29:43,606 --> 00:29:45,821 Perhaps the whole tri-state area. 745 00:29:45,822 --> 00:29:47,461 You're telling me this thing is gonna keep on growing 746 00:29:47,462 --> 00:29:49,363 until it can devour Cincinnati? 747 00:29:49,364 --> 00:29:51,880 Oh no, it's quite worse than that. 748 00:29:51,881 --> 00:29:54,731 You see, if the creature does envelop that city first, 749 00:29:54,732 --> 00:29:56,488 and I believe that it will, 750 00:29:56,489 --> 00:29:58,943 Cincinnati is the chili capital of the world. 751 00:29:58,944 --> 00:30:01,753 This will ensure that it ingests an usually high amount 752 00:30:01,754 --> 00:30:05,921 of spiced ground beef, thus accelerating its growth rate. 753 00:30:06,213 --> 00:30:08,953 By tomorrow morning, the creature will have grown 754 00:30:08,954 --> 00:30:11,387 large enough to cover the entire Midwest. 755 00:30:11,388 --> 00:30:14,082 By tomorrow night, the entire country. 756 00:30:14,083 --> 00:30:18,250 By this time next week, the entire planet. 757 00:30:18,341 --> 00:30:19,341 Good God! 758 00:30:20,093 --> 00:30:20,989 Yes. 759 00:30:20,990 --> 00:30:24,072 That's just what the Hebrews thought. 760 00:30:26,765 --> 00:30:28,241 Well I for one am not gonna just stand around 761 00:30:28,242 --> 00:30:29,713 and wait for the world to be destroyed 762 00:30:29,714 --> 00:30:32,285 by some mutated astronaut. 763 00:30:32,286 --> 00:30:34,711 Get me General Graham. 764 00:30:34,712 --> 00:30:37,514 What in the Sam Hill's an Argo Eye? 765 00:30:37,515 --> 00:30:39,514 The Argo One, sir. 766 00:30:39,515 --> 00:30:42,120 Humanity's grand return to capsule-based space travel. 767 00:30:42,121 --> 00:30:43,127 Launched into orbit yesterday. 768 00:30:43,128 --> 00:30:45,040 Its mission was to run various tests, 769 00:30:45,041 --> 00:30:47,692 as to the feasibility of expanding the Argo Program, 770 00:30:47,693 --> 00:30:49,699 the manned voyages to the moon, mars, 771 00:30:49,700 --> 00:30:52,625 and one day, the outer planets. 772 00:30:52,626 --> 00:30:54,184 Spaceship, huh? 773 00:30:54,185 --> 00:30:56,408 That's all we need, more poindexters poking around 774 00:30:56,409 --> 00:30:57,656 in outer space. 775 00:30:57,657 --> 00:31:00,043 And that money could go to good ol' defense right here 776 00:31:00,044 --> 00:31:01,216 on planet earth. 777 00:31:01,217 --> 00:31:02,360 Yes sir. 778 00:31:02,361 --> 00:31:03,601 And now that pop bottle crashed 779 00:31:03,602 --> 00:31:05,688 and the pilot's on some sort of rampage? 780 00:31:05,689 --> 00:31:06,529 Yes sir. 781 00:31:06,530 --> 00:31:08,572 The craft went through a heavy field of radiation, 782 00:31:08,573 --> 00:31:09,723 which is common enough. 783 00:31:09,724 --> 00:31:12,211 That's why you never saw John Glenn's legs on TV 784 00:31:12,212 --> 00:31:13,685 after he returned from orbit. 785 00:31:13,686 --> 00:31:16,806 The space radiation turned him into a merman. 786 00:31:16,807 --> 00:31:17,640 The Glenn incident aside, 787 00:31:17,641 --> 00:31:19,759 most of the mutations have minimal effect, 788 00:31:19,760 --> 00:31:21,366 and they're easily kept under wraps. 789 00:31:21,367 --> 00:31:23,586 Uh, Neil Armstrong's third arm, 790 00:31:23,587 --> 00:31:25,116 Jim Lovell's glow in the dark skin, 791 00:31:25,117 --> 00:31:26,612 that sort of thing. 792 00:31:26,613 --> 00:31:27,973 This time however, 793 00:31:27,974 --> 00:31:29,827 the combination of additional catastrophes 794 00:31:29,828 --> 00:31:31,917 exacerbated the mutation, 795 00:31:31,918 --> 00:31:36,085 turning this monster into an unstoppable killing machine. 796 00:31:36,322 --> 00:31:39,107 And now once again, the brainiacs need Uncle Sam's Army 797 00:31:39,108 --> 00:31:40,634 to get them out of a pickle. 798 00:31:40,635 --> 00:31:41,985 Yes sir. 799 00:31:41,986 --> 00:31:44,673 Well corporal, let's go do what we do best. 800 00:31:44,674 --> 00:31:47,341 Let's blow us up a meat monster. 801 00:31:49,463 --> 00:31:51,963 (dog barking) 802 00:31:54,329 --> 00:31:57,246 (beastly growling) 803 00:31:58,823 --> 00:32:01,656 (child screaming) 804 00:32:04,422 --> 00:32:05,816 Looks like Joe's on the move again. 805 00:32:05,817 --> 00:32:08,390 They found three bodies at a house, 227 Bridge Street. 806 00:32:08,391 --> 00:32:10,351 The remains of a dog in the woods. 807 00:32:10,352 --> 00:32:12,267 Oh, that poor dog. 808 00:32:12,268 --> 00:32:13,636 Yeah, and three people. 809 00:32:13,637 --> 00:32:17,804 What a shame to kill a poor, innocent puppy like that. 810 00:32:18,337 --> 00:32:19,368 And three people. 811 00:32:19,369 --> 00:32:21,202 That poor, poor dog. 812 00:32:22,736 --> 00:32:24,056 Floyd, load the car. 813 00:32:24,057 --> 00:32:25,847 A few witnesses said the creature went back into the woods. 814 00:32:25,848 --> 00:32:28,744 We should be able to follow the trail from there. 815 00:32:28,745 --> 00:32:31,236 Get me General Graham. 816 00:32:31,237 --> 00:32:32,237 Again. 817 00:32:35,680 --> 00:32:37,306 That was Ed Farley down in Mission Control. 818 00:32:37,307 --> 00:32:39,453 Said there was reports of a monster sighting 819 00:32:39,454 --> 00:32:43,537 over there on Bridge Street, which is right here. 820 00:32:44,527 --> 00:32:46,805 Says that thing leaves a pretty noticeable trail. 821 00:32:46,806 --> 00:32:48,616 I say we follow that trail as far as it goes, 822 00:32:48,617 --> 00:32:52,784 and send that SOB meat monster right back to hell. 823 00:32:55,564 --> 00:32:56,797 That's a good plan, sir. 824 00:32:56,798 --> 00:32:58,198 Thanks. 825 00:32:58,199 --> 00:33:00,949 (dramatic music) 826 00:33:15,011 --> 00:33:18,511 (dramatic military music) 827 00:33:27,828 --> 00:33:30,161 Come on, come on, come on! 828 00:33:34,605 --> 00:33:37,467 Ed Farley, you old so-and-so, it's good to see you again. 829 00:33:37,468 --> 00:33:39,177 I just wish it was under better circumstances, General. 830 00:33:39,178 --> 00:33:40,135 Let me show you what we're dealing with. 831 00:33:40,136 --> 00:33:41,856 All right. 832 00:33:41,857 --> 00:33:42,705 It's over here? 833 00:33:42,706 --> 00:33:44,125 Just uh, yeah, it's, 834 00:33:44,126 --> 00:33:45,757 you roll, you roll. 835 00:33:45,758 --> 00:33:47,198 One more here, one more. 836 00:33:47,199 --> 00:33:48,032 Oh. 837 00:33:48,033 --> 00:33:50,965 (mumbling) 838 00:33:50,966 --> 00:33:52,648 Dr. Chang, this is General Graham. 839 00:33:52,649 --> 00:33:53,624 Graham, Chang. 840 00:33:53,625 --> 00:33:55,444 (monitor clicking) 841 00:33:55,445 --> 00:33:57,895 There's one more inside, and another around the back. 842 00:33:57,896 --> 00:33:59,194 Not to mention some canine remains 843 00:33:59,195 --> 00:34:00,893 we found in the woods back there. 844 00:34:00,894 --> 00:34:02,538 [Lisa] Oh, that poor dog. 845 00:34:02,539 --> 00:34:04,222 All killed the same way. 846 00:34:04,223 --> 00:34:08,305 Flesh, tissue, internal organs, all stripped clean. 847 00:34:08,306 --> 00:34:10,915 So this uh, this thing really is eating everything 848 00:34:10,916 --> 00:34:11,749 in its path? 849 00:34:11,750 --> 00:34:13,039 Mainly animal matter. 850 00:34:13,040 --> 00:34:14,928 Yeah, and bullets aren't stopping it either. 851 00:34:14,929 --> 00:34:16,254 Well, we'll see about that. 852 00:34:16,255 --> 00:34:19,265 Hey guys come here, I think I found something. 853 00:34:19,266 --> 00:34:20,275 All right look, I think I found this guy, 854 00:34:20,276 --> 00:34:22,938 he might be a witness, he said he saw something. 855 00:34:22,939 --> 00:34:24,290 This gentlemen here, Mr... 856 00:34:24,291 --> 00:34:26,023 James Magrish. 857 00:34:26,024 --> 00:34:28,349 I live across the street, right over there. 858 00:34:28,350 --> 00:34:29,443 Yeah, he found the thing. 859 00:34:29,444 --> 00:34:30,292 He told me, uh, 860 00:34:30,293 --> 00:34:31,636 I'm sorry, how did you describe it? 861 00:34:31,637 --> 00:34:34,781 Well first off, you should know, I'm no snoop. 862 00:34:34,782 --> 00:34:38,307 And I don't make a habit of spying on my neighbors. 863 00:34:38,308 --> 00:34:40,604 And I certainly don't sit in front of the window 864 00:34:40,605 --> 00:34:44,263 for 12 hours every day waiting for the young lady 865 00:34:44,264 --> 00:34:47,156 who lives here to, to put on a white T-shirt 866 00:34:47,157 --> 00:34:48,990 and go out and wash her car. 867 00:34:48,991 --> 00:34:51,912 And no sir, that's just not my style to 868 00:34:51,913 --> 00:34:56,080 set up a camera at the bedroom window and 869 00:34:56,158 --> 00:34:58,796 hoping that, that uh, someone forgets to uh, 870 00:34:58,797 --> 00:35:02,412 close the curtains before getting undressed. 871 00:35:02,413 --> 00:35:04,238 That thought never crossed my mind. 872 00:35:04,239 --> 00:35:06,102 Now, I'm no snoop. 873 00:35:06,103 --> 00:35:07,663 Of course you're not. 874 00:35:07,664 --> 00:35:09,446 Now, about the thing that you say you saw? 875 00:35:09,447 --> 00:35:10,280 Hmm? 876 00:35:10,280 --> 00:35:11,113 Oh yeah. 877 00:35:11,114 --> 00:35:15,280 Well, it's like a, a, a mass that gets bigger and bigger. 878 00:35:16,201 --> 00:35:18,937 It's sort of chocolate brown and lumpy. 879 00:35:18,938 --> 00:35:22,041 Almost meaty but not quite pulled pork though. 880 00:35:22,042 --> 00:35:24,709 More like uh, chili or uh, uh... 881 00:35:25,959 --> 00:35:28,435 A sloppy joe sandwich? 882 00:35:28,436 --> 00:35:30,917 Yeah, like a sloppy joe sandwich. 883 00:35:30,918 --> 00:35:35,085 Anyway, this thing leaps out the front door and 884 00:35:35,467 --> 00:35:38,080 eats a big fellow and, and, 885 00:35:38,081 --> 00:35:40,095 ooh, a terrible way to go, I say. 886 00:35:40,096 --> 00:35:42,392 Yes sir, a terrible way to go. 887 00:35:42,393 --> 00:35:43,226 Then what? 888 00:35:43,227 --> 00:35:46,569 Well it, it, it uh, leaps out the front door, 889 00:35:46,570 --> 00:35:50,640 eats that big fellow and crawls off the front porch 890 00:35:50,641 --> 00:35:54,451 and right around here and, well, it's the darnedest thing. 891 00:35:54,452 --> 00:35:57,975 The, the garage door was closed but, but uh, 892 00:35:57,976 --> 00:36:01,037 must have, must have found a big enough opening because 893 00:36:01,038 --> 00:36:04,736 the next thing I know, it squeezed itself inside. 894 00:36:04,737 --> 00:36:05,851 Haven't seen it since. 895 00:36:05,852 --> 00:36:06,908 We checked around back. 896 00:36:06,909 --> 00:36:08,458 There's a door there, but it's locked. 897 00:36:08,459 --> 00:36:10,036 The only way in and out is the garage. 898 00:36:10,037 --> 00:36:12,129 Well, it's still gotta be in there. 899 00:36:12,130 --> 00:36:14,284 I uh, I watched it all this time, 900 00:36:14,285 --> 00:36:16,229 and didn't see anything leave. 901 00:36:16,230 --> 00:36:17,823 Well thank you very much for your help, Mr. Magrish. 902 00:36:17,824 --> 00:36:18,657 Thank you. 903 00:36:18,658 --> 00:36:21,240 Always want to do what I can. 904 00:36:22,205 --> 00:36:23,782 Looks like we got this thing cornered. 905 00:36:23,783 --> 00:36:24,810 What do you think, corporal? 906 00:36:24,811 --> 00:36:25,973 I think we'll wrap this up quick 907 00:36:25,974 --> 00:36:27,471 and be home in time for dinner, sir. 908 00:36:27,472 --> 00:36:30,639 All right, let's get this door open. 909 00:36:32,438 --> 00:36:33,550 No good, sir. 910 00:36:33,551 --> 00:36:35,454 It's stuck, sir. 911 00:36:35,455 --> 00:36:36,657 [Ed] Let's give 'em a hand. 912 00:36:36,658 --> 00:36:39,241 (all groaning) 913 00:36:43,644 --> 00:36:46,394 (Lisa screaming) 914 00:36:47,826 --> 00:36:49,021 No! 915 00:36:49,022 --> 00:36:49,855 No! 916 00:36:49,855 --> 00:36:50,855 No! 917 00:36:52,165 --> 00:36:54,332 Oh, I did nothing wrong! 918 00:36:57,634 --> 00:36:59,967 (screaming) 919 00:37:02,096 --> 00:37:02,957 Oh my God! 920 00:37:02,957 --> 00:37:03,790 Help me! 921 00:37:03,790 --> 00:37:04,790 Save me! 922 00:37:05,613 --> 00:37:06,755 It's got my legs! 923 00:37:06,756 --> 00:37:08,173 It's got my legs! 924 00:37:09,486 --> 00:37:11,015 Come on, we got you! 925 00:37:11,016 --> 00:37:13,349 (screaming) 926 00:37:16,379 --> 00:37:18,002 (gun cocking) 927 00:37:18,003 --> 00:37:20,394 Now we do things my way. 928 00:37:20,395 --> 00:37:21,965 You still got your femur. 929 00:37:21,966 --> 00:37:23,346 You still got your femur. 930 00:37:23,347 --> 00:37:24,441 Let him have it, boys. 931 00:37:24,442 --> 00:37:26,942 (guns firing) 932 00:37:39,052 --> 00:37:40,194 That ought to do it. 933 00:37:40,195 --> 00:37:42,445 (groaning) 934 00:37:43,920 --> 00:37:47,427 (monitor clicking) 935 00:37:47,428 --> 00:37:48,522 [Ed] Is it dead? 936 00:37:48,523 --> 00:37:50,147 I can't say for certain. 937 00:37:50,148 --> 00:37:50,981 These readings only tell me 938 00:37:50,982 --> 00:37:53,055 there's no living creature inside. 939 00:37:53,056 --> 00:37:53,914 Good enough for me. 940 00:37:53,915 --> 00:37:55,331 Let's open it up. 941 00:38:00,107 --> 00:38:03,357 (garage door creaking) 942 00:38:15,532 --> 00:38:16,365 [Ed] It's gone. 943 00:38:16,366 --> 00:38:17,994 Must have found a way how to unlock that door 944 00:38:17,995 --> 00:38:19,428 from the inside. 945 00:38:19,429 --> 00:38:20,710 Very crafty. 946 00:38:20,711 --> 00:38:21,840 Lieutenant. - Yes sir. 947 00:38:21,841 --> 00:38:23,357 That man needs a medic. 948 00:38:23,358 --> 00:38:24,191 Help him out. 949 00:38:24,192 --> 00:38:27,070 Everyone else, let's go bag us a flesh eating mutant. 950 00:38:27,071 --> 00:38:30,068 (Floyd sobbing) 951 00:38:30,069 --> 00:38:33,069 (suspenseful music) 952 00:38:50,048 --> 00:38:51,931 Get a look at this. 953 00:38:51,932 --> 00:38:54,521 With all this mud, I can't tell where the trail goes. 954 00:38:54,522 --> 00:38:55,962 Clever, very clever. 955 00:38:55,963 --> 00:38:56,982 Lieutenant. - Yes sir. 956 00:38:56,983 --> 00:38:58,074 How's your tracking skills? 957 00:38:58,075 --> 00:38:59,104 Can you sort out this mess? 958 00:38:59,105 --> 00:39:00,907 I can sir. 959 00:39:00,908 --> 00:39:01,975 By the time we find that trail, 960 00:39:01,976 --> 00:39:03,338 the creature could be anywhere. 961 00:39:03,339 --> 00:39:05,786 He might be easier to find than you think. 962 00:39:05,787 --> 00:39:06,891 He's still hungry. 963 00:39:06,892 --> 00:39:08,880 And he's getting hungrier by the minute. 964 00:39:08,881 --> 00:39:11,554 He'll head somewhere where there's a large group of people. 965 00:39:11,555 --> 00:39:14,555 And when he does, God help them all. 966 00:39:16,154 --> 00:39:17,700 Nice day for a picnic, Father. 967 00:39:17,701 --> 00:39:19,065 It most certainly is, Harry. 968 00:39:19,066 --> 00:39:20,662 It most certainly is. 969 00:39:20,663 --> 00:39:21,782 Don't work yourself too hard. 970 00:39:21,783 --> 00:39:24,185 Be sure to come by and get yourself something to drink 971 00:39:24,186 --> 00:39:25,300 when you're done setting up. 972 00:39:25,301 --> 00:39:27,097 I'm gonna. 973 00:39:27,098 --> 00:39:28,761 Sherry, hello. 974 00:39:28,762 --> 00:39:30,660 Beautiful day for a picnic, wouldn't you say? 975 00:39:30,661 --> 00:39:31,728 You bet. 976 00:39:31,729 --> 00:39:33,014 Care for some punch, Father? 977 00:39:33,015 --> 00:39:36,293 I would love some, thank you. 978 00:39:36,294 --> 00:39:37,127 Hi, Sherry. 979 00:39:37,128 --> 00:39:38,505 Hey, Mitch. 980 00:39:38,506 --> 00:39:39,910 You brought your guitar. 981 00:39:39,911 --> 00:39:42,261 Yeah, I thought I might sing a couple of songs. 982 00:39:42,262 --> 00:39:45,189 That is, if Father Corrigan says it's all right. 983 00:39:45,190 --> 00:39:47,103 How about it, Father? 984 00:39:47,104 --> 00:39:48,942 Why, I think that's a terrific idea. 985 00:39:48,943 --> 00:39:50,616 I'd love to hear some of that rock and roll 986 00:39:50,617 --> 00:39:52,478 I've heard so much about. 987 00:39:52,479 --> 00:39:55,094 I might look square, as you kids would say, 988 00:39:55,095 --> 00:39:58,370 but I'd like to think that I'm still in it. 989 00:39:58,371 --> 00:40:00,263 You mean with it, Father. 990 00:40:00,264 --> 00:40:01,372 Oh right. 991 00:40:01,373 --> 00:40:03,956 (all laughing) 992 00:40:07,443 --> 00:40:08,685 What was I thinking? 993 00:40:08,686 --> 00:40:09,769 Oh, Father. 994 00:40:11,995 --> 00:40:14,794 Hey everybody, Mitch is gonna sing a song! 995 00:40:14,795 --> 00:40:17,545 (group cheering) 996 00:40:19,181 --> 00:40:21,296 Okay everybody, this is a very special song 997 00:40:21,297 --> 00:40:23,764 I wrote for a very special gal. 998 00:40:23,765 --> 00:40:27,765 ♫ A-one, a-two, a-one two three 999 00:40:30,120 --> 00:40:34,287 ♫ A-my baby, she's as cute as she can be 1000 00:40:34,435 --> 00:40:38,602 ♫ Well my baby, she's as cute as she can be 1001 00:40:38,831 --> 00:40:40,984 ♫ From her eyes to her knees 1002 00:40:40,985 --> 00:40:43,325 ♫ To her 36C's 1003 00:40:43,326 --> 00:40:47,493 ♫ My baby, she's as cute as she can be 1004 00:40:47,818 --> 00:40:51,985 ♫ A-my baby, she don't love no one but me 1005 00:40:52,064 --> 00:40:56,231 ♫ Well my baby, she don't love no one but me 1006 00:40:56,421 --> 00:40:58,851 ♫ I go over to her place 1007 00:40:58,852 --> 00:41:01,196 ♫ But I can't get to second base 1008 00:41:01,197 --> 00:41:05,364 ♫ A-my baby, she don't love no one but me 1009 00:41:06,157 --> 00:41:07,446 Woo hoo hoo! 1010 00:41:07,447 --> 00:41:09,600 I have worked up an appetite. 1011 00:41:09,601 --> 00:41:11,168 There's plenty of food up here. 1012 00:41:11,169 --> 00:41:12,002 Help yourself. 1013 00:41:12,003 --> 00:41:13,793 I'm going to. 1014 00:41:13,794 --> 00:41:15,651 The ladies have really outdone themselves this year. 1015 00:41:15,652 --> 00:41:18,485 You can say that again, partner. 1016 00:41:23,346 --> 00:41:27,513 ♫ Her daddy, he doesn't care for me 1017 00:41:27,662 --> 00:41:31,829 ♫ No her daddy, he doesn't care for me 1018 00:41:32,218 --> 00:41:34,405 ♫ Well I took her to the dance 1019 00:41:34,406 --> 00:41:37,076 ♫ But I couldn't get in her father's good graces 1020 00:41:37,077 --> 00:41:40,396 ♫ Her daddy, he don't care for me 1021 00:41:40,397 --> 00:41:41,397 What the? 1022 00:41:49,050 --> 00:41:52,043 (spitting) 1023 00:41:52,044 --> 00:41:52,999 Hang on, Harry! 1024 00:41:53,000 --> 00:41:55,666 Everything's gonna be just fine! 1025 00:41:58,808 --> 00:42:01,725 (beastly growling) 1026 00:42:03,334 --> 00:42:04,334 Oh, balls. 1027 00:42:07,111 --> 00:42:08,710 (ominous music) 1028 00:42:08,711 --> 00:42:11,628 (people screaming) 1029 00:42:17,033 --> 00:42:18,644 You hear that? 1030 00:42:18,645 --> 00:42:20,783 It's this way, let's go! 1031 00:42:20,784 --> 00:42:21,778 Get on the horn to headquarters, 1032 00:42:21,779 --> 00:42:24,195 we're gonna need some backup. 1033 00:42:25,041 --> 00:42:27,958 (people screaming) 1034 00:42:31,048 --> 00:42:32,425 What is it? 1035 00:42:32,426 --> 00:42:33,916 I don't know. 1036 00:42:33,917 --> 00:42:36,891 But we better get to safety. 1037 00:42:36,892 --> 00:42:40,059 You go over there, keep your distance. 1038 00:42:42,400 --> 00:42:43,788 Okay, when I give the word, 1039 00:42:43,789 --> 00:42:45,736 you plug this into the shed over there. 1040 00:42:45,737 --> 00:42:46,905 I'm gonna give that thing a sense of what 1041 00:42:46,906 --> 00:42:48,589 120 volts feels like. 1042 00:42:48,590 --> 00:42:49,673 You got it. 1043 00:42:55,418 --> 00:42:57,658 [Brother] Tell mom I love her! 1044 00:42:57,659 --> 00:42:58,923 Sucker! 1045 00:42:58,924 --> 00:43:01,899 (screaming) 1046 00:43:01,900 --> 00:43:04,567 (man screaming) 1047 00:43:12,475 --> 00:43:13,312 Now, why didn't that work? 1048 00:43:13,312 --> 00:43:14,247 (gun firing) 1049 00:43:14,248 --> 00:43:15,668 Aw, who taught you how to shoot? 1050 00:43:15,669 --> 00:43:17,169 You missed it completely. 1051 00:43:17,170 --> 00:43:18,566 Mitch! 1052 00:43:18,567 --> 00:43:22,484 General I'm telling you, bullets are useless. 1053 00:43:24,468 --> 00:43:25,614 - Corporal. - Yes sir. 1054 00:43:25,615 --> 00:43:26,583 How's your throwing arm? 1055 00:43:26,583 --> 00:43:27,468 Top shape, sir. 1056 00:43:27,469 --> 00:43:28,968 Let him have it! 1057 00:43:33,360 --> 00:43:35,443 (grunts) 1058 00:43:38,207 --> 00:43:41,066 (explosion booming) 1059 00:43:41,067 --> 00:43:42,984 Grenades don't kill it. 1060 00:43:43,927 --> 00:43:45,548 Maybe not from the outside. 1061 00:43:45,549 --> 00:43:46,761 It's time for a little thing I picked up in 1062 00:43:46,762 --> 00:43:48,939 Operation Carrot Top. 1063 00:43:48,940 --> 00:43:51,040 Lieutenant, I want you to take this pineapple 1064 00:43:51,041 --> 00:43:52,477 and get inside that creature. 1065 00:43:52,478 --> 00:43:53,659 Now once you're inside that creature, 1066 00:43:53,660 --> 00:43:55,225 you want to pull this little pin here 1067 00:43:55,226 --> 00:43:57,123 and make it out of there tout de suite. 1068 00:43:57,124 --> 00:43:58,458 Now I'm not gonna lie to you, son. 1069 00:43:58,459 --> 00:43:59,805 It's gonna be pretty dangerous. 1070 00:43:59,806 --> 00:44:01,039 And you might not make it back. 1071 00:44:01,040 --> 00:44:03,404 But if you do, they'll give you a medal for sure. 1072 00:44:03,405 --> 00:44:04,579 But I'm gonna tell you right now, 1073 00:44:04,580 --> 00:44:06,357 we don't do this kind of thing for medals, do we? 1074 00:44:06,358 --> 00:44:08,644 No we don't, we do this because we protect our country 1075 00:44:08,645 --> 00:44:09,857 we're sworn to protect. 1076 00:44:09,858 --> 00:44:11,729 Now go out there and show Lady Liberty 1077 00:44:11,730 --> 00:44:13,405 how much you love her! 1078 00:44:13,406 --> 00:44:16,823 (whooping and screaming) 1079 00:44:22,203 --> 00:44:23,858 Look! 1080 00:44:23,859 --> 00:44:24,859 Joe! 1081 00:44:26,308 --> 00:44:27,308 Joe! 1082 00:44:28,399 --> 00:44:29,545 Joe? 1083 00:44:29,546 --> 00:44:31,677 Joe, I know you're still in there. 1084 00:44:31,678 --> 00:44:34,473 I know you still remember what it's like to be human, 1085 00:44:34,474 --> 00:44:36,611 what it's like to love. 1086 00:44:36,612 --> 00:44:38,195 Now's our chance. 1087 00:44:39,074 --> 00:44:41,263 I keep telling them, you're no monster. 1088 00:44:41,264 --> 00:44:43,847 You're Joe Neumann, my husband. 1089 00:44:44,684 --> 00:44:46,241 She'll get killed out there. 1090 00:44:46,242 --> 00:44:47,305 No, let her talk. 1091 00:44:47,306 --> 00:44:49,196 I think she's on to something. 1092 00:44:49,197 --> 00:44:51,994 Joe, you remember that vacation we took? 1093 00:44:51,995 --> 00:44:53,913 When we went to Cleveland? 1094 00:44:53,914 --> 00:44:56,274 We went to that restaurant and we saw Tom Hanks 1095 00:44:56,275 --> 00:44:57,984 and I wanted his autograph, 1096 00:44:57,985 --> 00:44:59,860 but was afraid I'd be a bother. 1097 00:44:59,861 --> 00:45:04,028 And you walked me over to his table and introduced me? 1098 00:45:04,096 --> 00:45:06,656 And you remember how Tom Hanks offered you $100 1099 00:45:06,657 --> 00:45:09,003 if he could have me for the weekend? 1100 00:45:09,004 --> 00:45:13,171 And you told him, "No, my wife's worth at least $150." 1101 00:45:13,446 --> 00:45:14,382 And that's how we got the money 1102 00:45:14,383 --> 00:45:16,611 so you could buy me that fabulous blue dress 1103 00:45:16,612 --> 00:45:19,080 you say matches my eyes? 1104 00:45:19,081 --> 00:45:20,320 Don't you see Joe? 1105 00:45:20,321 --> 00:45:21,823 You're not some man-eating mutant 1106 00:45:21,824 --> 00:45:24,855 that kills everything in its path without prejudice. 1107 00:45:24,856 --> 00:45:26,688 You're Joe Neumann. 1108 00:45:26,689 --> 00:45:29,330 The kind of guy that wouldn't let Tom Hanks molest me 1109 00:45:29,331 --> 00:45:30,914 for less than $150. 1110 00:45:32,291 --> 00:45:34,557 I think she might be getting to him. 1111 00:45:34,558 --> 00:45:36,850 Joe, let's stop all this nonsense. 1112 00:45:36,851 --> 00:45:38,074 Let Ed and Dr. Chang... 1113 00:45:38,075 --> 00:45:40,150 (squelching) 1114 00:45:40,151 --> 00:45:41,659 Called it. 1115 00:45:41,660 --> 00:45:43,099 What do we do now, sir? 1116 00:45:43,100 --> 00:45:45,078 Lieutenant, give me that napalm. 1117 00:45:45,079 --> 00:45:47,419 Wait, we may not need your napalm just yet. 1118 00:45:47,420 --> 00:45:49,506 What was it Joe was saying yesterday? 1119 00:45:49,507 --> 00:45:50,546 You know, before he turned into 1120 00:45:50,547 --> 00:45:52,060 an unstoppable killing machine? 1121 00:45:52,061 --> 00:45:53,703 Something around the time he was having lunch 1122 00:45:53,704 --> 00:45:55,358 in low-earth orbit? 1123 00:45:55,359 --> 00:45:56,759 What was it now? 1124 00:45:56,760 --> 00:45:58,556 Something uh... 1125 00:45:58,557 --> 00:46:00,046 Ah, yes, onions! 1126 00:46:00,047 --> 00:46:01,830 Joe said he was allergic to onions! 1127 00:46:01,831 --> 00:46:03,105 Onions, what good is that gonna do? 1128 00:46:03,106 --> 00:46:04,176 No, no, no, the doctor's right! 1129 00:46:04,177 --> 00:46:05,574 If we can get those onions off that table 1130 00:46:05,575 --> 00:46:08,477 and maybe get them into the monster somehow, then we can uh, 1131 00:46:08,478 --> 00:46:09,428 make the monster all... 1132 00:46:09,429 --> 00:46:11,756 He'd get really lethargic and swell up like a balloon. 1133 00:46:11,757 --> 00:46:12,590 Yeah! 1134 00:46:12,591 --> 00:46:13,706 Yeah, but that thing's enormous. 1135 00:46:13,707 --> 00:46:15,157 Those are just a few small onions. 1136 00:46:15,158 --> 00:46:16,767 It may not be enough to kill it perhaps, 1137 00:46:16,768 --> 00:46:18,147 but it will be enough to slow it down, 1138 00:46:18,148 --> 00:46:19,812 long enough for us to make our escape. 1139 00:46:19,813 --> 00:46:22,882 Lieutenant, never mind the boom juice. 1140 00:46:22,883 --> 00:46:24,285 What you need to do is create a diversion. 1141 00:46:24,286 --> 00:46:26,159 Get the onions off that table. 1142 00:46:26,160 --> 00:46:29,827 Lieutenant, quiet as a mouse, off the table. 1143 00:46:31,584 --> 00:46:34,584 (suspenseful music) 1144 00:46:38,086 --> 00:46:40,669 (all shouting) 1145 00:46:55,711 --> 00:46:58,765 (phone ringing) 1146 00:46:58,766 --> 00:47:00,288 Hey baby? 1147 00:47:00,289 --> 00:47:01,336 Hey, what's up? 1148 00:47:01,337 --> 00:47:02,726 Oh, not much. 1149 00:47:02,727 --> 00:47:03,727 Hey, but here's the plan. 1150 00:47:03,728 --> 00:47:05,613 Um, you put on your hot granny panties, 1151 00:47:05,614 --> 00:47:07,533 I'm gonna get some Smirnoff Ices, 1152 00:47:07,534 --> 00:47:10,047 I'm gonna pick up a copy of The Notebook, Talladega Nights, 1153 00:47:10,048 --> 00:47:11,791 you know, a little love, a little laughs, 1154 00:47:11,792 --> 00:47:14,188 and uh, you know, we'll see what happens, all right? 1155 00:47:14,189 --> 00:47:16,464 (beastly growling) 1156 00:47:16,465 --> 00:47:17,455 Baby, I'm gonna have to hit you back. 1157 00:47:17,455 --> 00:47:18,455 Toodles. 1158 00:47:19,211 --> 00:47:21,878 (ominous music) 1159 00:47:28,866 --> 00:47:30,734 Looks like that little maneuver of yours worked out. 1160 00:47:30,735 --> 00:47:32,680 Yeah, how long do you think it's gonna stay like that? 1161 00:47:32,681 --> 00:47:33,952 Not long I'm afraid. 1162 00:47:33,953 --> 00:47:35,275 Hey, hey, Chang! 1163 00:47:35,276 --> 00:47:38,776 What's that crazy fool think he's doing? 1164 00:47:41,518 --> 00:47:43,411 I needed a sample of living tissue. 1165 00:47:43,412 --> 00:47:45,158 The previous sample was from dead cells, 1166 00:47:45,159 --> 00:47:47,174 and I just couldn't get a thorough analysis of it but, 1167 00:47:47,175 --> 00:47:49,406 but this, this will tell me everything I need to know 1168 00:47:49,407 --> 00:47:50,388 about the creature. 1169 00:47:50,388 --> 00:47:51,221 Is it safe? 1170 00:47:51,222 --> 00:47:52,860 In its current state, yes. 1171 00:47:52,861 --> 00:47:54,403 And if we can get it back to the lab in time, 1172 00:47:54,404 --> 00:47:56,057 I can contain it with some onions I keep on hand 1173 00:47:56,058 --> 00:47:57,395 for just such an emergency. 1174 00:47:57,396 --> 00:47:58,308 But we've got to hurry. 1175 00:47:58,308 --> 00:47:59,308 Yes. 1176 00:48:01,020 --> 00:48:02,285 We've gotta get this back to the lab. 1177 00:48:02,286 --> 00:48:03,119 Right. 1178 00:48:03,120 --> 00:48:05,036 - Yeah, come on. - Okay. 1179 00:48:08,697 --> 00:48:09,697 Okay. 1180 00:48:11,892 --> 00:48:13,450 Oh. 1181 00:48:13,451 --> 00:48:14,451 Okay. 1182 00:48:20,890 --> 00:48:22,195 Excellent. 1183 00:48:22,196 --> 00:48:23,662 Yeah, yeah, I see it now. 1184 00:48:23,663 --> 00:48:25,094 Just keep an eye out and uh, 1185 00:48:25,095 --> 00:48:28,312 let me know when that thing starts moving again. 1186 00:48:28,313 --> 00:48:30,194 Flyboys came through. 1187 00:48:30,195 --> 00:48:32,640 They got a helicopter in the air right now. 1188 00:48:32,641 --> 00:48:35,716 That thing as so much as sneezes, we'll be able to track it. 1189 00:48:35,717 --> 00:48:38,274 Why would a giant meat monster sneeze? 1190 00:48:38,275 --> 00:48:39,595 Where do you think it'll head to next? 1191 00:48:39,596 --> 00:48:41,768 So far, it's followed a fairly straight path. 1192 00:48:41,769 --> 00:48:43,932 I plotted its movement on this map here. 1193 00:48:43,933 --> 00:48:45,561 Based on my estimations, 1194 00:48:45,562 --> 00:48:47,731 the creature's headed right for Cincinnati. 1195 00:48:47,732 --> 00:48:48,897 [Ed] The Queen City? 1196 00:48:48,898 --> 00:48:49,855 The very same. 1197 00:48:49,856 --> 00:48:51,527 These onions won't hold him for long and 1198 00:48:51,528 --> 00:48:52,989 once he regains full strength, 1199 00:48:52,990 --> 00:48:55,224 he'll be in downtown in a matter of hours. 1200 00:48:55,225 --> 00:48:56,095 Great Scott! 1201 00:48:56,096 --> 00:48:57,824 Hundreds of lives could be at risk! 1202 00:48:57,825 --> 00:48:59,049 You heard the man, corporal. 1203 00:48:59,050 --> 00:49:00,882 We gotta get this doc back to the lab. 1204 00:49:00,883 --> 00:49:01,883 Step on it. 1205 00:49:03,968 --> 00:49:06,022 Mayor Van Horn, it's a genuine privilege 1206 00:49:06,023 --> 00:49:08,330 to be here in Cincinnati, or as you call it, 1207 00:49:08,331 --> 00:49:09,613 The Queen City. 1208 00:49:09,614 --> 00:49:10,730 Thank you, Mr. President. 1209 00:49:10,731 --> 00:49:13,256 It's an honor to have you visit our city. 1210 00:49:13,257 --> 00:49:15,273 Okay folks, I think that's quite enough pictures 1211 00:49:15,274 --> 00:49:16,749 for right now. 1212 00:49:16,750 --> 00:49:18,787 The mayor and the President have quite a lot of 1213 00:49:18,788 --> 00:49:20,083 business to discuss. 1214 00:49:20,084 --> 00:49:22,887 In about an hour, the President will be making his way 1215 00:49:22,888 --> 00:49:24,919 down to the chili factory for a tour, 1216 00:49:24,920 --> 00:49:27,310 and then he'll be making a stop by the Pete Rose Memorial. 1217 00:49:27,311 --> 00:49:29,205 And there'll be plenty of time for pictures there. 1218 00:49:29,206 --> 00:49:31,765 In the meantime, if I could have you wait downstairs, 1219 00:49:31,766 --> 00:49:34,366 my assistant will be handing out press kits to you. 1220 00:49:34,367 --> 00:49:35,367 Thank you. 1221 00:49:41,216 --> 00:49:43,268 Honey, why don't you wait outside too? 1222 00:49:43,269 --> 00:49:46,723 Us men have some business to discuss. 1223 00:49:46,724 --> 00:49:47,575 Come on ma'am. 1224 00:49:47,576 --> 00:49:48,944 There's quite a lot to see in this city, 1225 00:49:48,945 --> 00:49:50,439 and I think we have enough time to fit it in. 1226 00:49:50,440 --> 00:49:52,925 I'll take you to see the house where George Clooney 1227 00:49:52,926 --> 00:49:54,152 lost his virginity. 1228 00:49:54,153 --> 00:49:56,809 It's on the National Register of Historical Places. 1229 00:49:56,810 --> 00:49:57,893 Oh, Batman! 1230 00:50:01,586 --> 00:50:02,915 Damn it Mike. 1231 00:50:02,916 --> 00:50:05,417 What are we going to do about these poll numbers of yours? 1232 00:50:05,418 --> 00:50:06,251 If you're serious about 1233 00:50:06,252 --> 00:50:07,826 making a run for the Senate in November, 1234 00:50:07,827 --> 00:50:10,992 you've got to get these numbers up, and fast. 1235 00:50:10,993 --> 00:50:12,374 Well, if you'd ever get around to sending me 1236 00:50:12,375 --> 00:50:13,586 that federal money... - Mike, 1237 00:50:13,587 --> 00:50:15,099 you know its not that easy. 1238 00:50:15,100 --> 00:50:16,100 I've got... 1239 00:50:18,032 --> 00:50:20,086 Sorry to bother you Mr. Mayor, Mr. President. 1240 00:50:20,087 --> 00:50:21,859 Mr. Mayor, I have a General Graham on the phone. 1241 00:50:21,860 --> 00:50:22,979 He says it's very urgent. 1242 00:50:22,980 --> 00:50:25,201 Something about a vicious, unstoppable mutant hell beast 1243 00:50:25,202 --> 00:50:26,631 from outer space laying waste to all 1244 00:50:26,632 --> 00:50:27,850 that dare cross its path. 1245 00:50:27,851 --> 00:50:29,293 Now it's heading straight for the city, 1246 00:50:29,294 --> 00:50:30,721 and the Army will need to start putting up barricades 1247 00:50:30,722 --> 00:50:31,992 as quickly as possible, 1248 00:50:31,993 --> 00:50:33,184 although he's not really sure if that'll do any good 1249 00:50:33,185 --> 00:50:34,759 considering the creature's massive size 1250 00:50:34,760 --> 00:50:36,868 and endless hunger for human flesh. 1251 00:50:36,869 --> 00:50:37,869 Line two. 1252 00:50:43,530 --> 00:50:44,363 Well. 1253 00:50:44,364 --> 00:50:45,549 (sighs) 1254 00:50:45,550 --> 00:50:47,194 I better mosey on out if I'm gonna make it to 1255 00:50:47,195 --> 00:50:49,155 the chili factory by five. 1256 00:50:49,156 --> 00:50:51,232 It's nice talking with you again, Mike. 1257 00:50:51,233 --> 00:50:55,400 You remember what I said about those poll numbers. 1258 00:51:01,904 --> 00:51:03,680 General, Mayor Van Horn. 1259 00:51:03,681 --> 00:51:05,683 What's this about an unstoppable mutant hell beast 1260 00:51:05,684 --> 00:51:07,096 from outer space? 1261 00:51:07,097 --> 00:51:09,847 (dramatic music) 1262 00:51:11,385 --> 00:51:13,274 Good for nothing politician. 1263 00:51:13,275 --> 00:51:15,140 The mayor says he'll evacuate the city but 1264 00:51:15,141 --> 00:51:17,038 he won't make it mandatory. 1265 00:51:17,039 --> 00:51:18,147 'Cause if we're wrong, 1266 00:51:18,148 --> 00:51:20,715 it's gonna hurt him in the upcoming elections. 1267 00:51:20,716 --> 00:51:22,745 So whatever we do, we've gotta do it 1268 00:51:22,746 --> 00:51:25,141 before that thing reaches the city limits. 1269 00:51:25,142 --> 00:51:26,510 What's the update on its movement? 1270 00:51:26,511 --> 00:51:29,539 Helicopter pilot says it's back up to full speed. 1271 00:51:29,540 --> 00:51:31,987 And moving along this path, 1272 00:51:31,988 --> 00:51:33,240 pretty much in a straight, 1273 00:51:33,241 --> 00:51:35,075 going with the contours of the land, 1274 00:51:35,076 --> 00:51:37,768 never more than a half mile in either direction. 1275 00:51:37,769 --> 00:51:41,769 Our only chance for a barricade is right here. 1276 00:51:42,621 --> 00:51:44,792 Corporal! - Yes sir. 1277 00:51:44,793 --> 00:51:46,387 Okay, that barricade's going up. 1278 00:51:46,388 --> 00:51:48,659 How's it coming along, Dr. Chang? 1279 00:51:48,660 --> 00:51:50,011 There's something about this sample 1280 00:51:50,012 --> 00:51:51,859 I just can't quite figure out. 1281 00:51:51,860 --> 00:51:53,536 I'm gonna need more time. 1282 00:51:53,537 --> 00:51:55,825 Time is something we don't have, doc. 1283 00:51:55,826 --> 00:51:57,128 He's right. 1284 00:51:57,129 --> 00:51:58,753 What's say we get down to that barricade? 1285 00:51:58,754 --> 00:52:00,669 Doctor, as soon as you figure out a way to 1286 00:52:00,670 --> 00:52:04,420 stop this thing permanently, you let us know. 1287 00:52:07,964 --> 00:52:11,464 (dramatic military music) 1288 00:52:23,205 --> 00:52:24,395 Right. 1289 00:52:24,396 --> 00:52:25,511 I got more bad news. 1290 00:52:25,512 --> 00:52:26,559 'Cause of the President's visit, 1291 00:52:26,560 --> 00:52:28,240 the chili factory's doubled output today 1292 00:52:28,241 --> 00:52:29,755 for a better photo op. 1293 00:52:29,756 --> 00:52:31,595 Dr. Chang said the city's normal chili output 1294 00:52:31,596 --> 00:52:33,784 will cause the creature's growth to accelerate. 1295 00:52:33,785 --> 00:52:36,421 Yeah, and double the chili means double its fast growth. 1296 00:52:36,422 --> 00:52:37,875 This creature's not gonna be able to devour the country 1297 00:52:37,876 --> 00:52:39,241 by tomorrow evening, 1298 00:52:39,242 --> 00:52:40,589 it's gonna be able to devour the country 1299 00:52:40,590 --> 00:52:42,423 by tomorrow afternoon. 1300 00:52:43,664 --> 00:52:46,414 (dramatic music) 1301 00:52:48,342 --> 00:52:49,520 Who's in charge here? 1302 00:52:49,521 --> 00:52:50,354 You? 1303 00:52:50,355 --> 00:52:51,430 You General Graham? 1304 00:52:51,431 --> 00:52:52,708 You must be Van Horn. 1305 00:52:52,709 --> 00:52:54,716 That's Mr. Mayor to you. 1306 00:52:54,717 --> 00:52:56,529 You want to tell me what this is all about? 1307 00:52:56,530 --> 00:52:59,349 I have constituents calling me up, telling me there's a 1308 00:52:59,350 --> 00:53:01,579 military raid going on in their neighborhood. 1309 00:53:01,580 --> 00:53:03,749 Well Mr. Mayor, if you want us to pack up and go home, 1310 00:53:03,750 --> 00:53:04,777 that's fine. 1311 00:53:04,778 --> 00:53:06,289 But I hope you have some powerful weapons 1312 00:53:06,290 --> 00:53:07,879 in that fancy car of yours. 1313 00:53:07,880 --> 00:53:09,992 Because coming down this very road right now 1314 00:53:09,993 --> 00:53:11,369 is a monster the likes of which you can't 1315 00:53:11,370 --> 00:53:12,813 even begin to imagine. 1316 00:53:12,814 --> 00:53:14,584 And down that road is the chili factory. 1317 00:53:14,585 --> 00:53:17,272 Now I don't know much about science, 1318 00:53:17,273 --> 00:53:19,273 but this fella here, 1319 00:53:19,274 --> 00:53:23,108 here's from Space Command, as in scientific expert. 1320 00:53:23,109 --> 00:53:25,308 And he says if that monster eats that chili factory, 1321 00:53:25,309 --> 00:53:27,907 well, you won't have anyone calling you. 1322 00:53:27,908 --> 00:53:30,371 You're not gonna have a city to run. 1323 00:53:30,372 --> 00:53:31,945 Do you really want that on your conscience? 1324 00:53:31,946 --> 00:53:33,808 I still say you're overreacting. 1325 00:53:33,809 --> 00:53:36,776 A mutated meat monster from outer space? 1326 00:53:36,777 --> 00:53:38,065 That's absurd! 1327 00:53:38,066 --> 00:53:39,638 You wanna take that chance? 1328 00:53:39,639 --> 00:53:41,609 I'm going back to my office. 1329 00:53:41,610 --> 00:53:44,842 I'll keep the evacuation in effect, for now. 1330 00:53:44,843 --> 00:53:48,001 But if this is a hoax, I'm pinning the blame on you. 1331 00:53:48,002 --> 00:53:49,584 (General Graham sighs) 1332 00:53:49,585 --> 00:53:51,418 Let's roll, Bitterman. 1333 00:53:53,812 --> 00:53:56,009 (explosion booming) 1334 00:53:56,010 --> 00:53:57,420 Gah! Damn it! 1335 00:53:57,421 --> 00:54:00,139 Which one of you greenhorns did that? 1336 00:54:00,140 --> 00:54:03,644 Like I said before, this end's for loading, 1337 00:54:03,645 --> 00:54:05,478 this end's for firing. 1338 00:54:13,655 --> 00:54:17,822 Is it me, or is this sample replicating even faster? 1339 00:54:18,905 --> 00:54:20,895 It's almost back to its original growth rate. 1340 00:54:20,896 --> 00:54:22,694 Has this sample been treated with the onions? 1341 00:54:22,695 --> 00:54:23,865 Yeah, four times the amount. 1342 00:54:23,866 --> 00:54:25,420 I keep having to add more. 1343 00:54:25,421 --> 00:54:27,554 It's building up a resistance to the allergen. 1344 00:54:27,555 --> 00:54:29,796 So if we keep forcing the creature to eat onions, 1345 00:54:29,797 --> 00:54:32,604 it's just gonna build up a bigger and bigger tolerance? 1346 00:54:32,605 --> 00:54:34,620 This sample's been treated with onions once. 1347 00:54:34,621 --> 00:54:36,656 A second dosing will still slow it down, 1348 00:54:36,657 --> 00:54:37,720 giving us the advantage, 1349 00:54:37,721 --> 00:54:41,180 allowing us to hold it for about 15, maybe 20 minutes, 1350 00:54:41,181 --> 00:54:44,264 if we're lucky, but it won't kill it. 1351 00:54:45,979 --> 00:54:48,729 (dramatic music) 1352 00:54:50,700 --> 00:54:52,601 It's too quiet. 1353 00:54:52,602 --> 00:54:53,893 Yeah. 1354 00:54:53,894 --> 00:54:55,144 Too, too quiet. 1355 00:54:58,610 --> 00:55:00,323 The doc says to save all the onions. 1356 00:55:00,324 --> 00:55:02,469 Don't toss any until he gives the word, okay? 1357 00:55:02,470 --> 00:55:05,882 Hope you trust that crazy doc... 1358 00:55:05,883 --> 00:55:07,550 Sweet Georgia Brown. 1359 00:55:09,446 --> 00:55:10,279 [Ed] Oh my God. 1360 00:55:10,280 --> 00:55:12,455 It won't be long until the thing's right on top of us. 1361 00:55:12,456 --> 00:55:13,289 (sighs) 1362 00:55:13,290 --> 00:55:14,898 I hope that doctor can work fast. 1363 00:55:14,899 --> 00:55:17,052 All right men, fire at will! 1364 00:55:17,053 --> 00:55:19,553 (guns firing) 1365 00:55:21,954 --> 00:55:23,162 Ugh, it's no use. 1366 00:55:23,163 --> 00:55:24,423 Everything we've tried has failed! 1367 00:55:24,424 --> 00:55:25,854 Don't give in yet, my boy. 1368 00:55:25,855 --> 00:55:27,475 I'm not giving in, it's just, 1369 00:55:27,476 --> 00:55:28,774 we've been at this all day, 1370 00:55:28,775 --> 00:55:30,464 and we're still stuck on square one. 1371 00:55:30,465 --> 00:55:32,033 And honestly, I'm stumped. 1372 00:55:32,034 --> 00:55:33,861 I've been stumped all day. 1373 00:55:33,862 --> 00:55:36,419 I just wish someone would throw us a bone, you know? 1374 00:55:36,420 --> 00:55:37,653 Give us a leg up. 1375 00:55:37,654 --> 00:55:39,655 Just let us hit the ground running 1376 00:55:39,656 --> 00:55:42,156 and put our best foot forward. 1377 00:55:43,396 --> 00:55:44,229 (sighs) 1378 00:55:44,230 --> 00:55:45,479 I miss my legs. 1379 00:55:48,149 --> 00:55:50,649 (guns firing) 1380 00:55:52,357 --> 00:55:54,080 Still no call from Dr. Chang, eh? 1381 00:55:54,081 --> 00:55:55,503 I'm sure he's gonna come through. 1382 00:55:55,504 --> 00:55:57,482 Frankly, I can't take that chance. 1383 00:55:57,483 --> 00:55:58,653 Corporal. - Yes sir. 1384 00:55:58,654 --> 00:55:59,487 Patch me through to the Air Force Base. 1385 00:55:59,487 --> 00:56:00,487 Yes sir. 1386 00:56:01,187 --> 00:56:03,742 You see, while Dr. Chang wastes time with his experiments, 1387 00:56:03,743 --> 00:56:05,037 I'm losing men. 1388 00:56:05,038 --> 00:56:07,058 Not to mention there's millions that lost their lives 1389 00:56:07,059 --> 00:56:10,181 getting wiped out by that thing. 1390 00:56:10,182 --> 00:56:12,030 Mmm, you should really eat something, doctor. 1391 00:56:12,031 --> 00:56:13,332 Keep your strength up. 1392 00:56:13,333 --> 00:56:14,323 In a while. 1393 00:56:14,324 --> 00:56:16,782 First I'd like to, aha! 1394 00:56:16,783 --> 00:56:17,764 Here! 1395 00:56:17,765 --> 00:56:19,979 Take a look at this, hmm? 1396 00:56:19,980 --> 00:56:21,027 Do you see these stars? 1397 00:56:21,028 --> 00:56:23,618 These stars say I'm a General of the United States Army. 1398 00:56:23,619 --> 00:56:25,776 I'm sworn to defend my country. 1399 00:56:25,777 --> 00:56:28,057 Any which way I can. 1400 00:56:28,058 --> 00:56:32,225 The whole country, and that includes the damn Queen City. 1401 00:56:32,584 --> 00:56:34,963 It's no longer stable, what did you do? 1402 00:56:34,964 --> 00:56:36,852 I dosed it with a strong acidic solution of 1403 00:56:36,853 --> 00:56:39,392 sodium chloride and potassium chloride mixed with 1404 00:56:39,393 --> 00:56:41,799 hydrochloric acid and the pepcid enzyme. 1405 00:56:41,800 --> 00:56:43,967 Here, take a look at this. 1406 00:56:47,366 --> 00:56:50,299 I can't run around fighting these damn monsters! 1407 00:56:50,300 --> 00:56:51,325 What are you talking about? 1408 00:56:51,326 --> 00:56:53,996 I am authorized to deploy the nation's full 1409 00:56:53,997 --> 00:56:55,330 atomic weaponry. 1410 00:56:56,628 --> 00:56:57,464 You don't mean? 1411 00:56:57,465 --> 00:56:58,844 Yes I do. 1412 00:56:58,845 --> 00:57:00,944 I'll nuke Cincinnati right off the map. 1413 00:57:00,945 --> 00:57:03,941 Looks like it's barely moving and very sluggish. 1414 00:57:03,942 --> 00:57:05,326 It's still a little bit active though. 1415 00:57:05,327 --> 00:57:06,642 That's the reaction to the onions. 1416 00:57:06,643 --> 00:57:09,060 Now here's the acid solution. 1417 00:57:10,412 --> 00:57:12,383 It's breaking apart, and quickly too. 1418 00:57:12,384 --> 00:57:14,272 Doctor, I think you've done it! 1419 00:57:14,273 --> 00:57:15,667 No, not quite yet. 1420 00:57:15,668 --> 00:57:16,996 It would take hours, no, 1421 00:57:16,997 --> 00:57:18,687 days to create the amount of solution necessary 1422 00:57:18,688 --> 00:57:20,713 to destroy the creature at its current size, 1423 00:57:20,714 --> 00:57:22,966 let alone the size it'll be in a few hours. 1424 00:57:22,967 --> 00:57:25,717 And by then, it will be too late. 1425 00:57:28,883 --> 00:57:30,664 Oh, that's not chili. 1426 00:57:30,665 --> 00:57:31,588 I won't like it. 1427 00:57:31,589 --> 00:57:33,070 Hell, I'll probably feel pretty lousy about it 1428 00:57:33,071 --> 00:57:34,154 for a couple of minutes. 1429 00:57:34,155 --> 00:57:35,509 You don't think about all those people 1430 00:57:35,510 --> 00:57:38,238 that don't get to see who wins the Latin Grammys this year. 1431 00:57:38,239 --> 00:57:40,400 Ed, I think about those other people 1432 00:57:40,401 --> 00:57:42,700 in all those other cities that do get to see 1433 00:57:42,701 --> 00:57:44,001 the Latin Grammys this year. 1434 00:57:44,002 --> 00:57:45,599 And I gotta protect them too. 1435 00:57:45,600 --> 00:57:46,469 You're right. 1436 00:57:46,470 --> 00:57:48,103 You make the call, but you give me five minutes 1437 00:57:48,104 --> 00:57:49,562 to see if Dr. Chang can figure out a way 1438 00:57:49,563 --> 00:57:52,389 to stop this creature without destroying The Queen City. 1439 00:57:52,390 --> 00:57:53,334 Five minutes. 1440 00:57:53,335 --> 00:57:54,608 Five minutes is all I need. 1441 00:57:54,609 --> 00:57:56,935 For your sake, I hope to God you're right. 1442 00:57:56,936 --> 00:57:58,765 I hope so too. 1443 00:57:58,766 --> 00:57:59,933 I hope so too. 1444 00:58:01,976 --> 00:58:03,467 What do I do, what do I do, what do I do? 1445 00:58:03,468 --> 00:58:04,836 (whimpering) 1446 00:58:04,837 --> 00:58:05,950 - Nothing. - What? 1447 00:58:05,951 --> 00:58:06,830 What do you mean, nothing? 1448 00:58:06,831 --> 00:58:08,539 Like I said, nothing. 1449 00:58:08,540 --> 00:58:10,672 Wait, no, not nothing. 1450 00:58:10,673 --> 00:58:11,506 This. 1451 00:58:11,507 --> 00:58:12,638 What? Here, eat this. 1452 00:58:12,639 --> 00:58:13,472 Are you crazy? 1453 00:58:13,472 --> 00:58:14,467 Trust me! 1454 00:58:14,468 --> 00:58:16,717 (groaning) 1455 00:58:20,471 --> 00:58:21,455 I'm okay. 1456 00:58:21,456 --> 00:58:23,123 Why, why am I okay? 1457 00:58:23,124 --> 00:58:24,707 Stomach acids, my boy. 1458 00:58:24,708 --> 00:58:26,317 Stomach acids. 1459 00:58:26,318 --> 00:58:27,194 The solution in that beaker 1460 00:58:27,195 --> 00:58:29,960 is the same chemical makeup of the solution of the acid... 1461 00:58:29,961 --> 00:58:31,485 In my stomach! 1462 00:58:31,486 --> 00:58:32,319 Precisely. 1463 00:58:32,320 --> 00:58:34,428 (chuckles) 1464 00:58:34,429 --> 00:58:36,306 So, we can just eat the monster? 1465 00:58:36,307 --> 00:58:37,216 Not quite. 1466 00:58:37,217 --> 00:58:39,522 You see, if you were too close to bite into it, 1467 00:58:39,523 --> 00:58:42,359 it would be close enough to bite into you. 1468 00:58:42,360 --> 00:58:44,767 But what if we made it more lethargic? 1469 00:58:44,768 --> 00:58:46,892 Maybe by an allergic reaction? 1470 00:58:46,893 --> 00:58:48,726 Now you're thinkin'. 1471 00:58:50,106 --> 00:58:52,208 (guns firing) 1472 00:58:52,209 --> 00:58:55,260 Yeah doc, about 52 feet in diameter, and 13 feet high. 1473 00:58:55,261 --> 00:58:56,988 And how many onions do you have? 1474 00:58:56,989 --> 00:58:58,280 Five pounds even. 1475 00:58:58,281 --> 00:58:59,114 Five pounds. 1476 00:58:59,115 --> 00:59:01,343 I'll explain more once I get down there but for now, 1477 00:59:01,344 --> 00:59:02,668 listen to me very carefully. 1478 00:59:02,669 --> 00:59:04,651 (guns firing) 1479 00:59:04,652 --> 00:59:05,485 Got it. 1480 00:59:05,486 --> 00:59:06,602 So what'd he say? 1481 00:59:06,603 --> 00:59:08,278 He said once we feed the creature the onions, 1482 00:59:08,279 --> 00:59:09,918 it'll be paralyzed for 18 minutes, 1483 00:59:09,919 --> 00:59:11,760 and it'll be safe to eat at that point in time. 1484 00:59:11,761 --> 00:59:14,188 That much food in only 18 minutes? 1485 00:59:14,189 --> 00:59:15,750 That's impossible. 1486 00:59:15,751 --> 00:59:16,640 (sighs) 1487 00:59:16,641 --> 00:59:18,908 A person like that would have to be a competitive eater. 1488 00:59:18,909 --> 00:59:20,035 That's perfect! 1489 00:59:20,036 --> 00:59:21,205 A competitive eater could eat this thing in 1490 00:59:21,206 --> 00:59:24,155 easily 18 minutes, and have plenty of time to spare. 1491 00:59:24,156 --> 00:59:25,524 - Corporal! - Way ahead of you sir. 1492 00:59:25,525 --> 00:59:27,300 I'm patched through to the Pentagon. 1493 00:59:27,301 --> 00:59:29,085 They're checking the files but it's not looking good, 1494 00:59:29,086 --> 00:59:31,766 'cause apparently, not too many competitive eaters bother 1495 00:59:31,767 --> 00:59:34,472 to register with the government, and the ones that do 1496 00:59:34,473 --> 00:59:37,258 don't update their contact information often enough. 1497 00:59:37,259 --> 00:59:38,393 What good's a competitive eater database 1498 00:59:38,394 --> 00:59:41,071 if it's not comprehensive and up to date? 1499 00:59:41,072 --> 00:59:42,249 Stay on the line and keep trying. 1500 00:59:42,250 --> 00:59:43,083 Yes sir. 1501 00:59:43,084 --> 00:59:44,330 I got an idea, wait here guys. 1502 00:59:44,331 --> 00:59:45,621 Hey! 1503 00:59:45,622 --> 00:59:48,122 (guns firing) 1504 00:59:50,963 --> 00:59:52,029 Dr. Chang, you're just in time. 1505 00:59:52,030 --> 00:59:52,863 What's going on here? 1506 00:59:52,864 --> 00:59:53,959 I'm gonna see if there's a competitive eater 1507 00:59:53,960 --> 00:59:54,793 in the crowd. 1508 00:59:54,794 --> 00:59:55,988 You mean you haven't found one yet? 1509 00:59:55,989 --> 00:59:57,081 No but I mean, this many people, 1510 00:59:57,082 --> 00:59:58,198 there's just gotta be someone. 1511 00:59:58,199 --> 01:00:00,008 All right, good luck, I'll let the General know I'm here. 1512 01:00:00,009 --> 01:00:01,782 All right, thank you. 1513 01:00:01,783 --> 01:00:04,810 (Floyd groans) 1514 01:00:04,811 --> 01:00:06,116 Excuse me. 1515 01:00:06,117 --> 01:00:07,507 I think we've figured out a way to stop the creature 1516 01:00:07,508 --> 01:00:09,151 and save this city but to do that, 1517 01:00:09,152 --> 01:00:10,859 we need a competitive eater. 1518 01:00:10,860 --> 01:00:13,196 Even if you haven't competed professionally or, 1519 01:00:13,197 --> 01:00:14,206 you were a competitive eater 1520 01:00:14,207 --> 01:00:15,323 on a high school team or something. 1521 01:00:15,324 --> 01:00:16,442 Anyone? 1522 01:00:16,443 --> 01:00:17,957 Anybody, please. 1523 01:00:17,958 --> 01:00:18,791 The fate of this city, 1524 01:00:18,792 --> 01:00:21,238 the fate of the world depends upon it. 1525 01:00:21,239 --> 01:00:22,989 Just please, help us. 1526 01:00:25,629 --> 01:00:26,571 I can do it. 1527 01:00:26,571 --> 01:00:27,501 Bert, no! 1528 01:00:27,502 --> 01:00:30,385 No honey, it's all right. 1529 01:00:30,386 --> 01:00:32,235 Bert Stevens. 1530 01:00:32,236 --> 01:00:33,773 I can eat this thing. 1531 01:00:33,774 --> 01:00:34,780 You're a competitive eater? 1532 01:00:34,781 --> 01:00:36,549 I used to be. 1533 01:00:36,550 --> 01:00:38,686 That was a long time ago. 1534 01:00:38,687 --> 01:00:40,455 I was the best of the best. 1535 01:00:40,456 --> 01:00:42,109 World champion. 1536 01:00:42,110 --> 01:00:43,496 I had it all. 1537 01:00:43,497 --> 01:00:45,080 Money, fame, women. 1538 01:00:47,405 --> 01:00:51,572 But it all came crashing down one July afternoon. 1539 01:00:51,672 --> 01:00:54,761 Hooters was sponsoring a buffalo wing contest. 1540 01:00:54,762 --> 01:00:57,595 It started like any normal wing contest. 1541 01:00:57,596 --> 01:00:58,596 But then... 1542 01:01:01,322 --> 01:01:02,218 Well, all these years later, 1543 01:01:02,219 --> 01:01:05,492 I've never forgiven myself for what happened next. 1544 01:01:05,493 --> 01:01:09,660 But if the fate of the world depends on it, I can do this. 1545 01:01:11,360 --> 01:01:12,676 Come with me. 1546 01:01:12,677 --> 01:01:15,177 (guns firing) 1547 01:01:17,158 --> 01:01:18,109 Bert Stevens, Alison Stevens, 1548 01:01:18,110 --> 01:01:20,001 this is General Graham and Dr. Chang. 1549 01:01:20,002 --> 01:01:21,916 Bert Stevens was a big competitive eating champion. 1550 01:01:21,917 --> 01:01:22,821 Pleasure to meet you. 1551 01:01:22,822 --> 01:01:25,275 So you're the one who's gonna try to save our necks? 1552 01:01:25,276 --> 01:01:26,752 I'll certainly try. 1553 01:01:26,753 --> 01:01:28,581 You're brave, but you're also no-nonsense. 1554 01:01:28,582 --> 01:01:29,685 I like that. 1555 01:01:29,686 --> 01:01:31,487 It doesn't change the fact that you're going out there 1556 01:01:31,488 --> 01:01:33,214 before we can get that creature under control. 1557 01:01:33,215 --> 01:01:35,320 You sure you want to take that risk? 1558 01:01:35,321 --> 01:01:36,230 I'm sure. 1559 01:01:36,230 --> 01:01:37,194 Bert, no! 1560 01:01:37,195 --> 01:01:38,912 [Bert] No honey, it's all right. 1561 01:01:38,913 --> 01:01:41,229 (Floyd groaning) 1562 01:01:41,230 --> 01:01:42,230 Floyd. 1563 01:01:43,196 --> 01:01:44,029 Hold on. 1564 01:01:44,030 --> 01:01:45,424 You don't know what that thing will do out there. 1565 01:01:45,425 --> 01:01:47,442 Look, I appreciate the concern, 1566 01:01:47,443 --> 01:01:49,151 but I have to know what kind of sloppy joe that is 1567 01:01:49,152 --> 01:01:50,931 if I'm gonna deal with a mountain of meat that size. 1568 01:01:50,932 --> 01:01:53,468 There's over 750 recipes for sloppy joe 1569 01:01:53,469 --> 01:01:54,825 in the United States alone. 1570 01:01:54,826 --> 01:01:56,694 You go worldwide, that number triples. 1571 01:01:56,695 --> 01:01:59,134 I mean, there's like 218 in Finland alone. 1572 01:01:59,135 --> 01:02:02,705 Each one has its own unique flavor, texture, density. 1573 01:02:02,706 --> 01:02:04,543 I'm telling ya, something could go seriously wrong 1574 01:02:04,544 --> 01:02:06,588 if I got into this thing blind. 1575 01:02:06,589 --> 01:02:08,014 Yeah I mean, I know what's at stake. 1576 01:02:08,015 --> 01:02:10,299 And I know what that thing can do to me if I get too close. 1577 01:02:10,300 --> 01:02:12,526 And to be honest, I just one of those poop farts 1578 01:02:12,527 --> 01:02:14,438 and my drawers feel kind of funny right now. 1579 01:02:14,439 --> 01:02:17,471 But if you want me to do what I was brought over here to do, 1580 01:02:17,472 --> 01:02:21,632 then mister, I've gotta get over there and smell that meat. 1581 01:02:21,633 --> 01:02:23,184 Bert, no! 1582 01:02:23,185 --> 01:02:24,365 [Bert] No honey, it's all right. 1583 01:02:24,366 --> 01:02:26,385 Get that man some cover! 1584 01:02:26,386 --> 01:02:29,204 (dramatic music) (guns firing) 1585 01:02:29,205 --> 01:02:31,202 The barricade's not gonna hold much longer! 1586 01:02:31,203 --> 01:02:32,036 Ah! 1587 01:02:32,037 --> 01:02:33,207 It's coming through! 1588 01:02:33,208 --> 01:02:35,541 It's giving out, get back! 1589 01:02:38,202 --> 01:02:40,140 Bert come on, there's no time! 1590 01:02:40,141 --> 01:02:41,861 Just one more minute! 1591 01:02:41,862 --> 01:02:43,362 Oh, stupid fool! 1592 01:02:45,898 --> 01:02:47,923 Well, you saved my life. 1593 01:02:47,924 --> 01:02:48,757 Thanks. 1594 01:02:48,758 --> 01:02:51,120 Don't thank me yet. 1595 01:02:51,121 --> 01:02:53,538 (squelching) 1596 01:02:54,759 --> 01:02:57,676 (people screaming) 1597 01:03:16,486 --> 01:03:17,690 Yes! 1598 01:03:17,691 --> 01:03:19,457 I didn't die first! 1599 01:03:19,458 --> 01:03:21,791 (screaming) 1600 01:03:23,459 --> 01:03:24,709 [Ed] Come on! 1601 01:03:26,212 --> 01:03:29,196 (Floyd groaning) 1602 01:03:29,197 --> 01:03:30,614 In here, quick! 1603 01:03:40,677 --> 01:03:42,218 All right, that's it, no more barricade. 1604 01:03:42,219 --> 01:03:44,036 If that thing makes it past this street, 1605 01:03:44,037 --> 01:03:46,220 it's gonna get to the chili factory. 1606 01:03:46,221 --> 01:03:48,468 Whatever we're gonna do, we gotta do now. 1607 01:03:48,469 --> 01:03:49,621 What do you say, Stevens? 1608 01:03:49,622 --> 01:03:51,201 You learn what you need to learn back there? 1609 01:03:51,202 --> 01:03:53,513 Yeah, it's ground beef, tomato soup, 1610 01:03:53,514 --> 01:03:56,237 Worcestershire sauce, ketchup, maybe a pinch of mustard. 1611 01:03:56,238 --> 01:03:58,625 It's a pretty common recipe in the Atlantic states. 1612 01:03:58,626 --> 01:04:01,173 It's a little tart for my tastes, but it goes down easy. 1613 01:04:01,174 --> 01:04:02,007 Corporal! 1614 01:04:02,007 --> 01:04:02,995 You got those onions? 1615 01:04:02,996 --> 01:04:04,226 Yes sir. 1616 01:04:04,227 --> 01:04:05,443 Wait, onions? 1617 01:04:05,444 --> 01:04:07,041 Five pounds of 'em. 1618 01:04:07,042 --> 01:04:08,684 It's what we need to paralyze the creature long enough 1619 01:04:08,685 --> 01:04:10,083 to make it safe to each. 1620 01:04:10,084 --> 01:04:11,938 Why, what's wrong? 1621 01:04:11,939 --> 01:04:13,858 I'm allergic to onions. 1622 01:04:13,859 --> 01:04:14,913 How allergic? 1623 01:04:14,914 --> 01:04:16,833 I swell up and I get real lethargic. 1624 01:04:16,834 --> 01:04:18,956 Could you eat five pounds of onions? 1625 01:04:18,957 --> 01:04:20,997 Well I don't know, I've always avoided finding out. 1626 01:04:20,998 --> 01:04:22,998 So what's it gonna be? 1627 01:04:26,559 --> 01:04:29,669 (somber music) 1628 01:04:29,670 --> 01:04:31,977 [Bert Voiceover] Don't you die on me, Johnny! 1629 01:04:31,978 --> 01:04:33,400 [Johnny Voiceover] It's all right, little brother, 1630 01:04:33,401 --> 01:04:34,884 it's not your fault. 1631 01:04:34,885 --> 01:04:36,845 But there's something I need you to do for me. 1632 01:04:36,846 --> 01:04:38,960 If you ever get a chance to save a city 1633 01:04:38,961 --> 01:04:41,052 somewhere in the Midwest, you know, 1634 01:04:41,053 --> 01:04:42,962 like Cincinnati or something? 1635 01:04:42,963 --> 01:04:44,940 [Bert Voiceover] The Queen City? 1636 01:04:44,941 --> 01:04:45,933 [Johnny] If you ever get a chance to save 1637 01:04:45,934 --> 01:04:47,475 a place like that from being destroyed 1638 01:04:47,476 --> 01:04:50,563 by a horrible monster, you do it. 1639 01:04:50,564 --> 01:04:53,757 No matter what the risks are buddy, you do it. 1640 01:04:53,758 --> 01:04:55,270 Do it for me. 1641 01:04:55,271 --> 01:04:56,318 [Bert Voiceover] Johnny? 1642 01:04:56,319 --> 01:04:57,832 Johnny? 1643 01:04:57,833 --> 01:04:58,972 Come on! 1644 01:04:58,973 --> 01:05:00,658 Wake up, Johnny! 1645 01:05:00,659 --> 01:05:01,992 Wake up, Johnny! 1646 01:05:06,147 --> 01:05:07,984 Let's go save us a city. 1647 01:05:07,985 --> 01:05:08,818 Bert, no! 1648 01:05:08,819 --> 01:05:10,948 No honey, it's all right. 1649 01:05:10,949 --> 01:05:12,042 So what's the game plan? 1650 01:05:12,043 --> 01:05:13,237 - Corporal. - Yes sir. 1651 01:05:13,238 --> 01:05:14,908 Any windows on the second floor of this place? 1652 01:05:14,909 --> 01:05:16,485 Well yes sir, I believe there are. 1653 01:05:16,486 --> 01:05:18,986 Then get a move on, soldier. 1654 01:05:25,451 --> 01:05:26,284 (sighs) 1655 01:05:26,284 --> 01:05:27,284 Seriously? 1656 01:05:29,410 --> 01:05:30,759 All right, go. 1657 01:05:30,760 --> 01:05:33,177 (squelching) 1658 01:05:35,274 --> 01:05:37,963 The onions, they're not going in! 1659 01:05:37,964 --> 01:05:40,010 (all sighing) 1660 01:05:40,011 --> 01:05:41,160 The creature must have figured out a way 1661 01:05:41,161 --> 01:05:43,708 to resist absorbing something it doesn't wanna eat. 1662 01:05:43,709 --> 01:05:44,614 So what do we do? 1663 01:05:44,615 --> 01:05:45,653 I don't know. 1664 01:05:45,654 --> 01:05:47,937 We've got to find a way. 1665 01:05:47,938 --> 01:05:48,887 Floyd! 1666 01:05:48,887 --> 01:05:49,837 What are you doing? 1667 01:05:49,838 --> 01:05:52,254 It can't eat my legs twice. 1668 01:05:53,564 --> 01:05:55,458 All right, you overgrown entree. 1669 01:05:55,459 --> 01:05:57,822 I got a bone to pick with you. 1670 01:05:57,823 --> 01:05:58,891 Ha ha! 1671 01:05:58,892 --> 01:06:00,475 [Both] Floyd, no! 1672 01:06:08,400 --> 01:06:09,400 No! 1673 01:06:17,584 --> 01:06:18,854 (blows breath) 1674 01:06:18,855 --> 01:06:21,328 I did not think this through. 1675 01:06:21,329 --> 01:06:23,996 (ominous music) 1676 01:06:26,775 --> 01:06:29,609 (beastly groaning) 1677 01:06:29,610 --> 01:06:31,200 It's working! 1678 01:06:31,201 --> 01:06:33,424 Listen up, you magnificent son of a bitch. 1679 01:06:33,425 --> 01:06:35,815 You got 18 minutes, you got it? 1680 01:06:35,816 --> 01:06:37,231 Yeah. 1681 01:06:37,232 --> 01:06:38,236 Bert, no! 1682 01:06:38,237 --> 01:06:39,237 No honey. 1683 01:06:40,999 --> 01:06:42,249 It's all right. 1684 01:06:44,144 --> 01:06:46,894 (dramatic music) 1685 01:07:16,245 --> 01:07:19,162 (beastly groaning) 1686 01:07:29,014 --> 01:07:31,514 (all gasping) 1687 01:07:41,132 --> 01:07:43,061 How much time does he have left? 1688 01:07:43,062 --> 01:07:44,229 A minute 30. 1689 01:07:48,061 --> 01:07:49,185 Get a move on! 1690 01:07:49,186 --> 01:07:52,269 I don't think he can get a move on. 1691 01:07:58,883 --> 01:08:01,861 Gettin' kinda hard to swallow. 1692 01:08:01,862 --> 01:08:02,834 He's not gonna make it! 1693 01:08:02,834 --> 01:08:03,780 He's gonna die out there! 1694 01:08:03,781 --> 01:08:06,328 Not if I can help it. 1695 01:08:06,329 --> 01:08:07,162 All right, come on. 1696 01:08:07,162 --> 01:08:07,995 (groaning) 1697 01:08:07,995 --> 01:08:08,995 What? 1698 01:08:09,820 --> 01:08:11,289 I got something that'll help you. 1699 01:08:11,290 --> 01:08:12,794 What is that, an antihistamine? 1700 01:08:12,795 --> 01:08:13,818 No, it's a muscle relaxant. 1701 01:08:13,819 --> 01:08:16,176 It'll uh, loosen back your throat, control the gag reflex. 1702 01:08:16,177 --> 01:08:17,789 Well, why would you have something like that? 1703 01:08:17,790 --> 01:08:20,236 - There's no time, Bert! - What? 1704 01:08:20,237 --> 01:08:21,320 30 seconds! 1705 01:08:22,888 --> 01:08:24,480 Can you do it? 1706 01:08:24,481 --> 01:08:25,754 For Johnny? 1707 01:08:25,755 --> 01:08:26,922 For America. 1708 01:08:27,883 --> 01:08:29,216 For the world. 1709 01:08:31,663 --> 01:08:34,413 (dramatic music) 1710 01:08:35,259 --> 01:08:36,342 10 seconds! 1711 01:08:38,210 --> 01:08:39,043 Eight, 1712 01:08:39,043 --> 01:08:39,876 seven, 1713 01:08:39,876 --> 01:08:40,709 six, 1714 01:08:40,709 --> 01:08:41,631 five, 1715 01:08:41,631 --> 01:08:42,464 four... 1716 01:08:42,465 --> 01:08:44,297 - Yeah! - Three, two... 1717 01:08:45,681 --> 01:08:46,822 (groans) 1718 01:08:46,823 --> 01:08:47,656 [All] Yeah! 1719 01:08:47,657 --> 01:08:49,852 (gun firing) 1720 01:08:49,853 --> 01:08:50,853 Yeah! 1721 01:08:51,764 --> 01:08:53,310 We did it! 1722 01:08:53,311 --> 01:08:55,158 We saved the world! 1723 01:08:55,159 --> 01:08:56,802 You saved the world. 1724 01:08:56,803 --> 01:08:59,553 (sirens wailing) 1725 01:09:04,006 --> 01:09:05,895 Did we save the world, doctor? 1726 01:09:05,896 --> 01:09:07,233 For now? 1727 01:09:07,234 --> 01:09:08,584 Yes. 1728 01:09:08,585 --> 01:09:12,068 But who knows what dangers we face in the future? 1729 01:09:12,069 --> 01:09:14,532 As long as humanity continues to challenge the limits 1730 01:09:14,533 --> 01:09:17,657 of our knowledge and explore the unseen wonders 1731 01:09:17,658 --> 01:09:19,595 of this vast universe, 1732 01:09:19,596 --> 01:09:21,968 there will always be men like Joe Neumann, 1733 01:09:21,969 --> 01:09:24,823 brave men who take one step too far 1734 01:09:24,824 --> 01:09:27,807 to the places we were not intended to go. 1735 01:09:27,808 --> 01:09:30,914 Is that the price we must pay to advance our species? 1736 01:09:30,915 --> 01:09:32,386 Perhaps. 1737 01:09:32,387 --> 01:09:33,874 We were lucky today. 1738 01:09:33,875 --> 01:09:36,454 Tomorrow, there could be another Joe Neumann, 1739 01:09:36,455 --> 01:09:38,872 another tragic accident. 1740 01:09:38,873 --> 01:09:41,315 Will we be able to save the world then? 1741 01:09:41,316 --> 01:09:44,680 Or will our thirst for knowledge finally prove to be 1742 01:09:44,681 --> 01:09:45,681 our undoing? 1743 01:09:51,899 --> 01:09:52,798 Hey guys. 1744 01:09:52,799 --> 01:09:54,902 Heh, crazy idea. 1745 01:09:54,903 --> 01:09:56,602 Want to get a pizza or something? 1746 01:09:56,603 --> 01:09:58,290 You're actually hungry after all that? 1747 01:09:58,291 --> 01:09:59,124 I know. 1748 01:09:59,124 --> 01:09:59,957 Weird, huh? 1749 01:09:59,958 --> 01:10:02,040 Yeah, I'll get a pizza. 1750 01:10:03,531 --> 01:10:04,654 [Bert] So what are you guys thinkin'? 1751 01:10:04,655 --> 01:10:05,843 A little Rosa's, maybe? 1752 01:10:05,844 --> 01:10:08,615 [Ed] You guys had their Hawaiian pizza yet? 1753 01:10:08,616 --> 01:10:09,816 [Dr. Chang] What's that got on it? 1754 01:10:09,817 --> 01:10:11,266 [Ed] Pineapple. 1755 01:10:11,267 --> 01:10:13,742 [Dr. Chang] You know I don't like pineapple. 1756 01:10:13,743 --> 01:10:16,070 [Bert] I'm actually in the mood for some anchovies. 1757 01:10:16,071 --> 01:10:17,242 [Alison] Bert, no. 1758 01:10:17,243 --> 01:10:19,896 [Bert] No honey, it's all right. 1759 01:10:19,897 --> 01:10:22,480 (gentle music) 1760 01:10:28,321 --> 01:10:29,221 ♫ Look out lips 1761 01:10:29,221 --> 01:10:30,054 ♫ Look out gums 1762 01:10:30,055 --> 01:10:31,580 ♫ Look out esophagus 'cause here it comes 1763 01:10:31,581 --> 01:10:33,584 ♫ Oh yeah 1764 01:10:33,585 --> 01:10:35,185 ♫ All right 1765 01:10:35,610 --> 01:10:37,001 ♫ 'Cause meat is murder 1766 01:10:37,003 --> 01:10:39,628 ♫ and the meat is gonna murder tonight 1767 01:10:40,066 --> 01:10:41,040 ♫ Look out boys 1768 01:10:41,041 --> 01:10:42,118 ♫ Look out girls 1769 01:10:42,119 --> 01:10:43,729 ♫ Look out everybody in the whole wide world 1770 01:10:43,730 --> 01:10:45,550 ♫ All right 1771 01:10:45,551 --> 01:10:47,392 ♫ It's true 1772 01:10:47,884 --> 01:10:49,233 ♫ Well, the meat is murder 1773 01:10:49,234 --> 01:10:51,405 ♫ And the meat is gonna murder you 1774 01:10:51,973 --> 01:10:52,914 ♫ Look out lips 1775 01:10:52,915 --> 01:10:54,109 ♫ Look out gums 1776 01:10:54,110 --> 01:10:55,742 ♫ Look out esophagus 'cause here it comes 1777 01:10:55,743 --> 01:10:57,744 ♫ All right 1778 01:10:57,745 --> 01:10:59,785 ♫ So true 1779 01:10:59,786 --> 01:11:03,861 ♫ Meat is murder and the meat is gonna murder you 1780 01:11:03,862 --> 01:11:07,329 ♫ Meat is murder and the meat is gonna murder you 1781 01:11:08,038 --> 01:11:12,038 ♫ A-one, a-two, a-one two three 1782 01:11:14,308 --> 01:11:18,475 ♫ A-my baby, she's as cute as she can be 1783 01:11:18,552 --> 01:11:22,719 ♫ Well my baby, she's as cute as she can be 1784 01:11:22,948 --> 01:11:25,272 ♫ From her eyes to her knees 1785 01:11:25,273 --> 01:11:27,582 ♫ To her 36C's 1786 01:11:27,583 --> 01:11:31,750 ♫ My baby, she's as cute as she can be 1787 01:11:32,227 --> 01:11:36,325 ♫ Well my baby, she don't love no one but me 1788 01:11:36,326 --> 01:11:40,493 ♫ Oh my baby, she don't love no one but me 1789 01:11:40,715 --> 01:11:42,905 ♫ I go over to her place 1790 01:11:42,906 --> 01:11:45,334 ♫ But I can't get to second base 1791 01:11:45,335 --> 01:11:49,502 ♫ My baby, she don't love no one but me 1792 01:12:07,848 --> 01:12:11,805 ♫ Her daddy, he doesn't care for me 1793 01:12:11,806 --> 01:12:15,973 ♫ No her daddy doesn't care for me 1794 01:12:16,302 --> 01:12:18,622 ♫ Well I took her to a dance 1795 01:12:18,623 --> 01:12:21,437 ♫ But I couldn't get in her father's good graces 1796 01:12:21,438 --> 01:12:25,605 ♫ Her daddy, he don't care for me 1797 01:12:28,450 --> 01:12:31,200 (dramatic music) 1798 01:13:14,685 --> 01:13:15,685 Johnny? 1799 01:13:16,490 --> 01:13:18,308 Johnny, come on! 1800 01:13:18,309 --> 01:13:20,109 Wake up, Johnny! 1801 01:13:20,110 --> 01:13:21,443 Wake up, Johnny! 1802 01:13:22,773 --> 01:13:26,131 (all laughing) 1803 01:13:26,132 --> 01:13:28,049 [Director] And, cut. 1803 01:13:29,305 --> 01:14:29,430 Support us and become VIP member to remove all ads from www.OpenSubtitles.org