"Family Guy" Twain's World

1 00:00:01,001 --> 00:00:04,713 -[♪ Theme music playing] -♪ It seems today that all you see ♪ 2 00:00:04,796 --> 00:00:08,175 ♪ Is violence in movies And sex on TV ♪ 3 00:00:08,258 --> 00:00:11,970 ♪ But where are those Good old-fashioned values ♪ 4 00:00:12,054 --> 00:00:14,389 [all] ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪ 5 00:00:15,057 --> 00:00:18,310 ♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪ 6 00:00:18,393 --> 00:00:21,522 ♪ Lucky there's a man who Positively can do ♪ 7 00:00:21,605 --> 00:00:23,106 ♪ All the things That make us ♪ 8 00:00:23,190 --> 00:00:24,942 ♪ Laugh and cry ♪ 9 00:00:25,025 --> 00:00:28,987 [all] ♪ He's a family guy! ♪ 10 00:00:34,076 --> 00:00:39,122 So that's how I wound up smoking opium with Erma Bombeck. 11 00:00:39,206 --> 00:00:40,707 But, enough of my stories, 12 00:00:40,791 --> 00:00:42,417 we're here to tell yours. 13 00:00:42,501 --> 00:00:44,044 Brian Griffin, you're up. 14 00:00:44,127 --> 00:00:45,504 Sorry, I'm not quite ready. 15 00:00:45,587 --> 00:00:47,798 I guess the "me" ate my homework. 16 00:00:49,675 --> 00:00:51,718 Do you even have an idea? 17 00:00:51,802 --> 00:00:55,514 Okay, a dog who's in a writing class 18 00:00:55,597 --> 00:00:59,476 desperately needs an idea at 2:43 p.m. 19 00:00:59,560 --> 00:01:01,478 No, that's not an idea, 20 00:01:01,562 --> 00:01:03,689 you're just describing what's happening. 21 00:01:03,814 --> 00:01:07,359 Right. What about "The Boy with the Dragon Tattoo?" 22 00:01:07,484 --> 00:01:10,028 You want to be a writer, Brian, yeah? 23 00:01:10,112 --> 00:01:14,032 I need an idea that tears your heart out of your chest. 24 00:01:14,116 --> 00:01:16,410 Something so real and true, 25 00:01:16,493 --> 00:01:19,204 if you can't express it, you'll die. 26 00:01:19,288 --> 00:01:20,873 Okay, I got it. 27 00:01:20,956 --> 00:01:22,875 The "Karate Adult." 28 00:01:22,958 --> 00:01:26,837 Brian, writing isn't just words or lazy references 29 00:01:26,920 --> 00:01:30,257 or marrying Noah Baumbach and having him do everything for you. 30 00:01:30,340 --> 00:01:34,553 It's adventure, love, intrigue, life! 31 00:01:34,636 --> 00:01:37,598 And until you live it, you have no business here. 32 00:01:37,681 --> 00:01:39,725 Please turn in your scarf and leave. 33 00:01:42,060 --> 00:01:44,313 Okay, next up, Joe Swanson. 34 00:01:44,396 --> 00:01:46,231 "A dedication for Bonnie." 35 00:01:46,940 --> 00:01:48,942 Bonnie lay dead in a pool of blood. 36 00:01:49,026 --> 00:01:53,488 "Detective Bo Bonsen held the gun and whispered, 'Who can't walk now?'" 37 00:01:53,572 --> 00:01:55,699 Now that's writing. 38 00:01:55,824 --> 00:01:57,451 [♪ Upbeat music playing] 39 00:02:00,037 --> 00:02:03,332 Hi, I'm the C.E.O. of Bud Light, here to apologize. 40 00:02:03,415 --> 00:02:07,836 We violated your trust when we gave five cans of beer to a trans woman last year. 41 00:02:07,920 --> 00:02:10,172 You protested and we learned. 42 00:02:10,255 --> 00:02:13,425 Light beer is the cornerstone of your heterosexual identity. 43 00:02:13,509 --> 00:02:16,887 Counting calories and watching our figures, it's what guys do. 44 00:02:16,970 --> 00:02:19,473 So we have a simple plan to win you back. 45 00:02:19,556 --> 00:02:23,477 Prove to us you've always had a penis and we'll give you free beer. 46 00:02:23,560 --> 00:02:26,688 Just bring a naked baby picture to wherever Bud Light is sold 47 00:02:26,772 --> 00:02:28,398 and flash your current genitals. 48 00:02:28,482 --> 00:02:32,152 If they're both penises, you get a six pack, on us. 49 00:02:32,236 --> 00:02:33,654 [announcer] Bud Light. Wow. 50 00:02:33,737 --> 00:02:35,197 How did we get here? 51 00:02:36,323 --> 00:02:39,576 Hey, Brian, were you able to invent an entire novel on the spot? 52 00:02:39,660 --> 00:02:41,161 No, I totally blanked. 53 00:02:41,245 --> 00:02:42,246 What am I missing? 54 00:02:42,329 --> 00:02:45,541 How did all these great writers from the past get their ideas? 55 00:02:45,624 --> 00:02:47,084 When did we get a bookcase? 56 00:02:47,167 --> 00:02:48,877 I have something amazing to say, 57 00:02:48,961 --> 00:02:50,170 but don't know what it is. 58 00:02:50,254 --> 00:02:52,673 It kinda sounds like you don't have anything to say. 59 00:02:52,756 --> 00:02:53,882 What do you think it is? 60 00:02:53,966 --> 00:02:55,801 What do I think you have to say? 61 00:02:55,884 --> 00:02:57,511 I could get over my writer's block 62 00:02:57,594 --> 00:02:59,555 if I could just step away from all the noise 63 00:02:59,638 --> 00:03:01,765 and get inside the minds of the greats. 64 00:03:01,849 --> 00:03:03,725 Dostoyevsky, Hemingway, Twain... 65 00:03:03,809 --> 00:03:05,978 -Are you gonna name a woman? -Jules Verne. 66 00:03:06,061 --> 00:03:07,271 That's a guy, you turd. 67 00:03:07,354 --> 00:03:10,315 It is? God, it must've been so tough to date back then. 68 00:03:11,608 --> 00:03:13,277 -Jules? -Ashley? 69 00:03:13,360 --> 00:03:15,404 Well, this was a waste of a nosegay. 70 00:03:15,487 --> 00:03:18,907 [announcer] The 19th century: most gay stuff was accidental. 71 00:03:18,991 --> 00:03:20,868 [♪ Upbeat music playing] 72 00:03:22,494 --> 00:03:25,747 I'll tell you what. How about I take you back in the time machine, 73 00:03:25,831 --> 00:03:28,917 we meet some of the greats and they help get your writing on track? 74 00:03:29,001 --> 00:03:30,002 You'd do that for me? 75 00:03:30,085 --> 00:03:31,795 Of course I would, old friend. 76 00:03:31,962 --> 00:03:33,338 [whirring] 77 00:03:33,922 --> 00:03:36,049 I'm bringing a nosegay for Ashley. 78 00:03:36,133 --> 00:03:37,217 She sounds so hot. 79 00:03:39,386 --> 00:03:40,679 [♪ Dramatic music playing] 80 00:03:48,854 --> 00:03:52,357 This guy wrote a gospel, and the Bible is the most popular book of all time, 81 00:03:52,482 --> 00:03:54,234 so he's got to have some good advice. 82 00:03:54,318 --> 00:03:55,777 Luke can see you now. 83 00:03:55,861 --> 00:03:57,529 Welcome, gentlemen. 84 00:03:57,613 --> 00:03:59,031 If I knew you guys were coming, 85 00:03:59,114 --> 00:04:00,908 I'd have taken a shower four months ago. 86 00:04:00,991 --> 00:04:02,659 So Bathsheba said you're a writer? 87 00:04:02,743 --> 00:04:04,369 Yeah, I'd love to know your secrets. 88 00:04:04,453 --> 00:04:07,414 Just take big swings, man. Don't be afraid. 89 00:04:07,497 --> 00:04:10,501 Like right now. I'm working on this sci fi thing about a guy, 90 00:04:10,584 --> 00:04:12,294 mom's a whore, friends betray him, 91 00:04:12,377 --> 00:04:14,796 he gets whacked. Three days later, he's back to life, 92 00:04:14,880 --> 00:04:16,507 running around like a zombie hippie. 93 00:04:16,590 --> 00:04:18,592 No offense. It sounds like a bit of a mess. 94 00:04:18,675 --> 00:04:22,888 Who cares? The entire audience is just staring at their sundials anyway. 95 00:04:23,055 --> 00:04:25,349 [♪ Jaunty music playing] 96 00:04:26,475 --> 00:04:28,060 How was I able to focus 97 00:04:28,143 --> 00:04:31,897 to write David Copperfield, A Tale of Two Cities and Oliver Twist? 98 00:04:31,980 --> 00:04:34,483 Well, writing is the only distraction 99 00:04:34,566 --> 00:04:37,528 from how literally everything in London reeks of feces. 100 00:04:37,611 --> 00:04:39,613 You should simply stool on your desk. 101 00:04:39,696 --> 00:04:42,908 Then you'll have no choice but to write to avoid the stench. 102 00:04:43,825 --> 00:04:45,827 You're not going to remember that? 103 00:04:48,497 --> 00:04:50,457 [gunshot] 104 00:04:51,083 --> 00:04:53,794 If you or someone you know is struggling with depression... 105 00:04:53,877 --> 00:04:55,712 Someone's not gonna kill themselves 106 00:04:55,796 --> 00:04:58,048 because a cartoon dog said don't. 107 00:04:58,131 --> 00:05:00,133 [♪ Jaunty music playing] 108 00:05:03,470 --> 00:05:07,266 If you want to be a writer, I always say, "Never put off till tomorrow" 109 00:05:07,349 --> 00:05:09,810 what you can do the day after tomorrow.", 110 00:05:09,893 --> 00:05:12,312 So good. Just dead on, man. 111 00:05:12,396 --> 00:05:15,274 Feels like a wine mom apron to me. But what do I know? 112 00:05:15,357 --> 00:05:17,109 Suppose you were an idiot. 113 00:05:17,192 --> 00:05:19,945 Now, suppose you were a member of Congress. 114 00:05:20,028 --> 00:05:21,697 But I repeat myself. 115 00:05:21,864 --> 00:05:24,908 [laughing] Oh, man, we are both on fire right now. 116 00:05:24,992 --> 00:05:25,993 Both? 117 00:05:26,076 --> 00:05:29,413 Well, Mr. Twain, we have to go back... to the future. 118 00:05:29,746 --> 00:05:31,331 He's not gonna know that one. 119 00:05:31,415 --> 00:05:35,294 I must confess, I'm not surprised to meet time travelers. 120 00:05:35,377 --> 00:05:38,380 I'm actually working on a story about a Connecticut Yankee 121 00:05:38,463 --> 00:05:41,842 being magically transported into King Arthur's Court. 122 00:05:41,925 --> 00:05:42,926 Oh, word? 123 00:05:43,010 --> 00:05:47,806 It's a searing takedown of Merlin the Wizard. Just tears Merlin to shreds. 124 00:05:47,890 --> 00:05:52,394 I don't know how Merlin ever recovers after being hit by the "Twain train". 125 00:05:52,477 --> 00:05:54,062 Feels like we're winding down here. 126 00:05:54,146 --> 00:05:58,275 Before you leave, may I cadge another one of those wondrous cigarettes? 127 00:05:59,610 --> 00:06:01,904 You know, giving up smoking is easy. 128 00:06:01,987 --> 00:06:03,739 I've done it hundreds of times. 129 00:06:03,822 --> 00:06:08,702 I have likewise too been addicted, perchance, forsooth and such. 130 00:06:08,785 --> 00:06:11,872 Yes, you've made a real ash of yourself. 131 00:06:11,955 --> 00:06:13,624 [laughing] 132 00:06:14,917 --> 00:06:18,587 I guess that makes me a bum bumming butts from an ash. 133 00:06:18,712 --> 00:06:21,006 -Oh, we did it again. -He did it again. 134 00:06:21,089 --> 00:06:22,799 I know, I'm setting him up perfectly. 135 00:06:22,883 --> 00:06:27,596 Mr. Twain, would you like to come back to our time and write with me? 136 00:06:27,679 --> 00:06:29,640 Interesting proposal. 137 00:06:29,723 --> 00:06:31,934 I suppose I should be hesitant 138 00:06:32,017 --> 00:06:35,646 but worrying is like paying a debt you might not even owe. 139 00:06:35,729 --> 00:06:36,980 Mark Twain. 140 00:06:37,064 --> 00:06:38,815 Did you just quote yourself? 141 00:06:38,899 --> 00:06:40,901 Yes, Mark Twain. 142 00:06:40,984 --> 00:06:43,529 -So you'll do it? -I'd love to see the future, 143 00:06:43,612 --> 00:06:46,532 and it'll give me a chance to proofread my new novel, 144 00:06:46,615 --> 00:06:49,117 "The Adventures of Hankenberry Flan". 145 00:06:49,201 --> 00:06:50,619 You mean Huckleberry Finn? 146 00:06:50,702 --> 00:06:52,663 See, that's already better. 147 00:06:52,746 --> 00:06:54,498 I'll go fetch the manuscript. 148 00:06:55,290 --> 00:06:56,667 Brian, this is a terrible idea. 149 00:06:56,750 --> 00:06:58,460 We could change the course of history. 150 00:06:58,544 --> 00:07:01,296 You always say that but doesn't history pretty much suck? 151 00:07:01,380 --> 00:07:03,173 I mean, the Crusades, Hitler... 152 00:07:03,257 --> 00:07:05,217 Prince Harry marrying Meghan Markle. 153 00:07:05,300 --> 00:07:09,721 Again? Oh, like all of your wives are so much better. 154 00:07:12,140 --> 00:07:14,017 [♪ Jaunty music playing] 155 00:07:16,353 --> 00:07:18,397 So what do you think we should write about? 156 00:07:18,480 --> 00:07:21,275 Well, the best stories are all about a man and a boy 157 00:07:21,358 --> 00:07:23,527 going on an unsupervised journey. 158 00:07:23,610 --> 00:07:26,947 For reasons too long to state here, we're gonna table that for a second. 159 00:07:27,072 --> 00:07:28,407 What if Merlin... 160 00:07:28,490 --> 00:07:29,992 We're gonna put a pin in Merlin. 161 00:07:30,075 --> 00:07:31,577 It's your grave, pal. 162 00:07:31,660 --> 00:07:34,413 Can you please focus? We need to write something spectacular. 163 00:07:34,496 --> 00:07:38,208 Fine. A character should say, "If you don't like the weather 164 00:07:38,292 --> 00:07:41,170 in New England, wait a minute. It'll change." 165 00:07:42,379 --> 00:07:44,089 Well that normally gets a huge laugh. 166 00:07:44,173 --> 00:07:45,799 Let's build the book around that. 167 00:07:45,883 --> 00:07:48,302 No, it's got to be real and compelling 168 00:07:48,385 --> 00:07:50,053 and ripped from the headlines. 169 00:07:50,137 --> 00:07:52,097 Maybe something about a murdered woman. 170 00:07:52,181 --> 00:07:54,474 Why would anyone care if a woman died? 171 00:07:54,558 --> 00:07:57,227 Okay, the world's changed a lot in the past 150 years. 172 00:07:57,311 --> 00:07:59,688 We should catch you up on everything you've missed. 173 00:07:59,771 --> 00:08:03,400 In 1915, the first transcontinental telephone line was laid... 174 00:08:03,483 --> 00:08:06,862 Soon after the United States entered something called World War I... 175 00:08:06,945 --> 00:08:10,073 Then Germany was back at it again for something called World War II... 176 00:08:10,157 --> 00:08:13,410 And so Neil Armstrong, became the first man to walk on the moon... 177 00:08:13,493 --> 00:08:15,454 Taylor Swift started dating Travis Kelce... 178 00:08:15,537 --> 00:08:18,498 Trump was reelected, and now we can say, "Merry Christmas" again. 179 00:08:18,582 --> 00:08:19,958 So that's it. That's history. 180 00:08:20,042 --> 00:08:22,586 My goodness gracious. Wow. 181 00:08:22,669 --> 00:08:25,672 So can you tell me about that flesh flashlight again? 182 00:08:25,756 --> 00:08:29,051 From duct taped prototype to the CAD-engineered vibratory 183 00:08:29,134 --> 00:08:30,385 wonder of today, 184 00:08:30,469 --> 00:08:34,932 the story of the tug tube is really the story of America itself. 185 00:08:35,015 --> 00:08:36,850 I don't know why we invited Chris. 186 00:08:36,934 --> 00:08:38,852 [♪ Upbeat music playing] 187 00:08:41,438 --> 00:08:42,981 Okay, what about a murder mystery? 188 00:08:43,065 --> 00:08:46,193 But instead of a "Who-done-it" it's a "When-done-it?" 189 00:08:46,276 --> 00:08:48,153 -I hate that. -A "Where-done-it?" 190 00:08:48,237 --> 00:08:49,655 I wish you had dysentery, 191 00:08:49,738 --> 00:08:52,741 because at least then it would be coming out of the right hole. 192 00:08:52,824 --> 00:08:55,202 A mislead could be it's Cheyenne, Wyoming. 193 00:08:55,285 --> 00:08:57,913 Well, if it's in Wyoming, there needs to be an Injun. 194 00:08:57,996 --> 00:08:59,164 We don't say that anymore. 195 00:08:59,248 --> 00:09:02,459 A big, murderous Injun, who's a liar and a thief. 196 00:09:02,543 --> 00:09:03,794 He robs graves. 197 00:09:03,877 --> 00:09:05,671 I think more details just make it worse. 198 00:09:05,754 --> 00:09:08,924 And a slave who takes vacations with teenage boys. 199 00:09:09,007 --> 00:09:12,970 Okay, new thought. What if a QAnon terrorist steals the world's Ethereum, 200 00:09:13,053 --> 00:09:15,097 then gets murdered by an NFT? 201 00:09:15,180 --> 00:09:17,474 I have no idea what any of that is. 202 00:09:17,558 --> 00:09:20,477 Here, look it up. Does it have to be Ethereum? 203 00:09:20,561 --> 00:09:22,229 Could it be Dogecoin? 204 00:09:22,312 --> 00:09:25,065 Some of these women are powerful attractive. 205 00:09:25,148 --> 00:09:28,569 -What women? -On this hub, this hub of pornographs. 206 00:09:28,652 --> 00:09:30,946 I need to use this outhouse for a moment. 207 00:09:32,447 --> 00:09:33,949 [Twain] What is a Latina? 208 00:09:34,032 --> 00:09:36,535 It's like a regular woman, but different. 209 00:09:36,618 --> 00:09:37,786 I think I like it. 210 00:09:38,287 --> 00:09:40,205 [♪ Jaunty music playing] 211 00:09:42,124 --> 00:09:45,419 Okay, imagine if the only fisherman in Phoenix, Arizona, 212 00:09:45,502 --> 00:09:47,004 falls in love with a vegan. 213 00:09:47,087 --> 00:09:49,923 And for some reason she has to eat fish to save his life? 214 00:09:50,007 --> 00:09:51,008 [cell phone pings] 215 00:09:51,091 --> 00:09:52,551 Hang on. Stewie's texting me. 216 00:09:57,181 --> 00:10:00,309 Give me your phone. I want to look at stuff. 217 00:10:00,392 --> 00:10:02,936 We've gotta work. And I know what you do with my phone. 218 00:10:03,020 --> 00:10:05,063 I always say, find a job 219 00:10:05,147 --> 00:10:08,734 you enjoy doing and you will never work a day in your life. 220 00:10:08,817 --> 00:10:11,570 And my job is looking at oily bazoombas. 221 00:10:11,653 --> 00:10:14,907 I brought you here to help me write a great novel, not masturbate. 222 00:10:15,741 --> 00:10:18,410 Novels are stupid and meaningless. 223 00:10:18,493 --> 00:10:19,620 I've been here a month 224 00:10:19,745 --> 00:10:22,497 and haven't seen anyone reading a book this entire time. 225 00:10:22,581 --> 00:10:26,001 The only thing that matters in this world is pornography. 226 00:10:26,084 --> 00:10:28,504 It makes everyone feel alive. 227 00:10:28,587 --> 00:10:30,464 No, literature is important. 228 00:10:30,547 --> 00:10:33,175 Your work convinced me to dedicate my life to writing. 229 00:10:33,300 --> 00:10:36,970 Brian, I lived at a time when you went to bed at sunset, 230 00:10:37,054 --> 00:10:42,351 lost your teeth at 19, and the highlight of your life was maybe tasting cinnamon. 231 00:10:42,434 --> 00:10:44,394 That's how all our great art was created. 232 00:10:44,478 --> 00:10:47,231 By undistracted people who could cultivate genius. 233 00:10:47,314 --> 00:10:48,815 We were all idiots. 234 00:10:48,899 --> 00:10:49,983 I'd seen nothing. 235 00:10:50,067 --> 00:10:51,902 I thought Hartford was amazing. 236 00:10:51,985 --> 00:10:53,946 And now I wanna see it all. 237 00:10:54,029 --> 00:11:00,452 A woman with a penis, a man with a vagina. And other curios, oddities and wonders. 238 00:11:00,536 --> 00:11:03,664 [announcer] That last line was not brought to you by Bud Light. 239 00:11:03,747 --> 00:11:07,417 Bud Light: we're making this way more complicated than it needs to be. 240 00:11:07,501 --> 00:11:08,836 Please keep your voice down. 241 00:11:08,919 --> 00:11:12,339 Why? These good people would assuredly agree with me. 242 00:11:12,422 --> 00:11:14,424 Raise your hand if you like novels. 243 00:11:15,551 --> 00:11:20,639 Now raise your hand if you like Latinos with giant, shiny derrieres. 244 00:11:20,806 --> 00:11:22,140 [all agreeing] 245 00:11:22,224 --> 00:11:25,936 See? The worst masturbation is better than the best book. 246 00:11:26,019 --> 00:11:31,692 Brian, all I need in this world is a penis, a phone and a place to stand. 247 00:11:31,775 --> 00:11:33,485 And I have two of the three. 248 00:11:33,569 --> 00:11:35,654 -Give me your phone. -No. 249 00:11:35,737 --> 00:11:37,406 Brian as your friend, 250 00:11:37,489 --> 00:11:40,617 I'm demanding that you let me paddle my wheel. 251 00:11:40,701 --> 00:11:43,829 Absolutely not. The Mark Twain I know is better than this. 252 00:11:43,912 --> 00:11:46,123 Then you've left me no choice. 253 00:11:46,331 --> 00:11:47,875 [grunting and groaning] 254 00:11:50,210 --> 00:11:52,296 My scones! My cake pops! 255 00:11:52,379 --> 00:11:56,550 My model egg sandwich to show everyone what an egg sandwich looks like! 256 00:11:59,178 --> 00:12:00,596 I love porn. 257 00:12:00,679 --> 00:12:02,806 I want to make porn. 258 00:12:02,890 --> 00:12:05,225 I want to be porn! 259 00:12:05,475 --> 00:12:07,102 [Brian groaning] 260 00:12:07,186 --> 00:12:09,646 Hi, I'm thinking of ordering an egg sandwich, 261 00:12:09,730 --> 00:12:11,899 but I have no idea what it looks like. 262 00:12:13,984 --> 00:12:15,527 [♪ Upbeat music playing] 263 00:12:16,987 --> 00:12:18,697 You turned one of the greatest writers 264 00:12:18,780 --> 00:12:21,617 in history into a porn addict. And now he's God knows where. 265 00:12:21,700 --> 00:12:24,244 -I know it's a real "Where-done-it." -What? 266 00:12:24,328 --> 00:12:27,497 Nothing, it's an idea Mark Twain was really high on before he left. 267 00:12:27,581 --> 00:12:29,791 Brian, you've now thrown history off course. 268 00:12:29,875 --> 00:12:32,544 This is a bigger disaster than when Mount Vesuvius erupted. 269 00:12:32,628 --> 00:12:35,714 Honey, I'm so glad you agreed to do Pilates with me today. 270 00:12:35,797 --> 00:12:38,008 Yeah, as long as no one ever finds out. 271 00:12:38,091 --> 00:12:39,176 It's just one class. 272 00:12:39,259 --> 00:12:41,345 It's not like you're gonna be here forever. 273 00:12:41,887 --> 00:12:43,430 [mountain rumbling] 274 00:12:43,889 --> 00:12:45,140 Mark Twain will be fine. 275 00:12:45,265 --> 00:12:48,477 Brian, he has yet to fall asleep without a lit cigar in his hand. 276 00:12:48,560 --> 00:12:51,021 Mark Twain, the man isn't important to history. 277 00:12:51,104 --> 00:12:53,315 His work is. And we aren't gonna lose that. 278 00:12:53,398 --> 00:12:56,151 -What do you mean? -He left the manuscript for Huck Finn. 279 00:12:56,235 --> 00:12:57,861 I handed it in to my professor. 280 00:12:57,945 --> 00:12:59,196 The quality is undeniable. 281 00:12:59,279 --> 00:13:01,114 He'll pass it on to his publisher. 282 00:13:01,198 --> 00:13:04,660 And Huck Finn by Brian Twain-Griffin will be as renowned as it ever was. 283 00:13:04,743 --> 00:13:07,120 You gave someone Huck Finn in this era? 284 00:13:07,204 --> 00:13:08,247 Smart, right? 285 00:13:08,330 --> 00:13:10,666 Did you make any changes before you gave it to him? 286 00:13:10,749 --> 00:13:12,835 To Mark Twain's masterwork? Of course not. 287 00:13:12,918 --> 00:13:14,795 Brian, Have you ever read Huck Finn? 288 00:13:14,878 --> 00:13:16,129 Actually, no. Why? 289 00:13:16,213 --> 00:13:18,715 I was more offended than I've ever been in my life. 290 00:13:18,799 --> 00:13:20,384 And then I read your book. 291 00:13:20,467 --> 00:13:23,053 You portrayed violence and didn't have a trigger warning. 292 00:13:23,136 --> 00:13:25,514 You said "trigger warning" without a trigger warning. 293 00:13:25,597 --> 00:13:27,099 I'm afraid of trigger warnings. 294 00:13:27,182 --> 00:13:30,727 The whole thing is just dripping with white privilege. 295 00:13:30,811 --> 00:13:33,105 I'm not white. My skin is like, cow pattern. 296 00:13:33,188 --> 00:13:35,566 And it takes place on stolen land. 297 00:13:35,649 --> 00:13:36,984 Where are you sitting now? 298 00:13:37,067 --> 00:13:38,235 Huck lives with two women 299 00:13:38,318 --> 00:13:40,779 but you made them sisters instead of lesbian lovers. 300 00:13:40,863 --> 00:13:42,197 Why do you hate women? 301 00:13:42,281 --> 00:13:46,243 You had a grown man traveling with and clearly grooming a young boy. 302 00:13:46,326 --> 00:13:47,536 They were on an adventure. 303 00:13:47,619 --> 00:13:50,497 You're always hanging out with that baby. Are you grooming him? 304 00:13:50,581 --> 00:13:52,875 -No! -Plus putting them on a raft, 305 00:13:52,958 --> 00:13:54,251 that's able-ist. Brian. 306 00:13:54,334 --> 00:13:56,170 We all want to take the ride. 307 00:13:56,253 --> 00:13:58,130 The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn 308 00:13:58,213 --> 00:14:01,258 is one of the finest novels ever written. It's a masterwork. 309 00:14:01,341 --> 00:14:03,510 Oh, there it is, the word master. 310 00:14:03,594 --> 00:14:05,721 You're worse than the school shooter last year. 311 00:14:05,804 --> 00:14:07,681 At least he knew everyone's pronouns. 312 00:14:07,764 --> 00:14:10,475 -I know you're a they. -I'm a whom, you pig. 313 00:14:10,559 --> 00:14:11,768 There's whom's now? 314 00:14:11,852 --> 00:14:13,770 Yeah, we're winning all the swimming races, 315 00:14:13,854 --> 00:14:17,774 so everyone's really mad about it. Amateur swimming is super important. 316 00:14:17,858 --> 00:14:19,109 What do you think? 317 00:14:19,193 --> 00:14:21,111 Am I crazy, or is Huck Finn good? 318 00:14:21,195 --> 00:14:23,739 It's awful, Brian, and you're a disgrace. 319 00:14:23,822 --> 00:14:28,952 And not like Joe's flawed but ultimately redeemable anti-hero Bo Bonsen. 320 00:14:29,036 --> 00:14:31,330 No, consider yourself canceled, expelled 321 00:14:31,413 --> 00:14:35,292 and, worst of all, banned from my webinars. 322 00:14:35,375 --> 00:14:36,919 Fine. I'll get out of your hair. 323 00:14:37,503 --> 00:14:40,005 Professor, can I take five for mental health? 324 00:14:40,088 --> 00:14:41,673 Legally, I can't say no. 325 00:14:41,757 --> 00:14:46,512 So anyone who wants to take five for mental health, please feel free. 326 00:14:46,720 --> 00:14:48,597 [all chattering] 327 00:14:50,807 --> 00:14:52,601 [♪ Upbeat music playing] 328 00:14:53,810 --> 00:14:56,021 It's just a dumb community college, Brian. 329 00:14:56,104 --> 00:14:57,773 How bad can it hurt your reputation? 330 00:14:57,856 --> 00:14:59,608 Just watch some TV and relax. 331 00:14:59,691 --> 00:15:03,070 [announcer] And now for the sound of Saturday Night Live's opening credits 332 00:15:03,153 --> 00:15:06,615 once you hit 40. Flabadoo Marmaduke! 333 00:15:06,740 --> 00:15:11,203 T.J. Sambona! Mr. Scarlett Johansson! 334 00:15:11,787 --> 00:15:14,039 Jonathan Jonathan! 335 00:15:14,122 --> 00:15:16,750 Fee-fi-fo-fum Feldstein! 336 00:15:17,000 --> 00:15:20,587 Joran Vandersloot! Blue Cookieman! 337 00:15:21,630 --> 00:15:23,215 Dildonna Wam-Wam! 338 00:15:23,882 --> 00:15:25,592 Kenan's still here? 339 00:15:25,676 --> 00:15:28,262 -Who are these people? -Finally a cast for my generation. 340 00:15:28,345 --> 00:15:29,972 Thanks. I feel a little better. 341 00:15:30,055 --> 00:15:32,724 [Tom Tucker] We interrupt Peacock to bring you this report. 342 00:15:32,808 --> 00:15:33,809 We can do that now. 343 00:15:33,892 --> 00:15:36,812 Hi, I'm Tom Tucker here with a new "Cancelation Corner," 344 00:15:36,895 --> 00:15:38,438 brought to you by Bud Light. 345 00:15:38,522 --> 00:15:41,316 Bud Light: screw it, we're touching the hot stove again. 346 00:15:43,235 --> 00:15:47,823 Local canine writer, Brian Griffin, had a rough day when he proudly handed in 347 00:15:47,906 --> 00:15:50,784 a racist, sexist screed to his writing class. 348 00:15:50,868 --> 00:15:53,412 Brian's cancelation knocks Casey Anthony off the list, 349 00:15:53,495 --> 00:15:54,830 so I have a call to make. 350 00:15:54,913 --> 00:15:56,290 I can't believe this. 351 00:15:56,373 --> 00:15:59,042 If Mark Twain was a better writer, I'd be a famous author. 352 00:15:59,126 --> 00:16:01,086 -Now I'm ruined. -That's your takeaway? 353 00:16:01,170 --> 00:16:02,588 You tried to steal his book. 354 00:16:02,671 --> 00:16:04,173 You think you're the victim here? 355 00:16:04,256 --> 00:16:07,593 Oh, come on. The one time Huck Finn doesn't work is when my name is on it. 356 00:16:07,676 --> 00:16:09,970 People are so anti dog, it's insane. 357 00:16:10,053 --> 00:16:12,181 Guys, we have a bigger problem here. 358 00:16:12,264 --> 00:16:14,641 Your little stunt ruined porn. 359 00:16:14,725 --> 00:16:15,976 What are you talking about? 360 00:16:16,059 --> 00:16:20,355 Every movie is now just people saying stupid Mark Twain quips. 361 00:16:21,440 --> 00:16:25,277 It's better to keep your legs closed and let people think you're a fool 362 00:16:25,360 --> 00:16:28,405 than to open them and remove all doubt. 363 00:16:29,156 --> 00:16:33,202 The coldest winter I ever spent, was a summer in your mud room. 364 00:16:33,911 --> 00:16:36,413 I'm not gonna buy my kids an encyclopedia. 365 00:16:36,496 --> 00:16:38,415 Let them walk to school like I did. 366 00:16:38,498 --> 00:16:40,042 That's not even Twain. 367 00:16:40,125 --> 00:16:41,835 He stole it from Yogi Berra! 368 00:16:41,919 --> 00:16:43,962 That's it. We've got to bring Mark Twain 369 00:16:44,046 --> 00:16:46,131 back into the past and undo this whole thing. 370 00:16:46,215 --> 00:16:47,633 Fine. How are we gonna find him? 371 00:16:47,716 --> 00:16:51,345 He's on the 1,500 block of Balboa Avenue in Van Nuys, California. 372 00:16:52,721 --> 00:16:55,390 I have a condition called Datassbergers. 373 00:16:55,474 --> 00:16:58,519 It allows me to immediately identify where dat ass at. 374 00:16:58,644 --> 00:17:00,979 How the hell are we supposed to get to California? 375 00:17:01,063 --> 00:17:04,316 Well, a pretty smart guy told me the best stories are about a man 376 00:17:04,399 --> 00:17:07,069 and a boy making an unsupervised journey. 377 00:17:07,194 --> 00:17:08,362 [♪ Upbeat music playing] 378 00:17:08,570 --> 00:17:12,074 ♪ A man and a boy on an adventure ♪ 379 00:17:12,157 --> 00:17:15,827 ♪ Just like Mark Twain wrote about in Huck Finn ♪ 380 00:17:15,953 --> 00:17:17,621 ♪ Is that his dad? ♪ 381 00:17:17,704 --> 00:17:19,248 ♪ No, that's a stranger ♪ 382 00:17:19,331 --> 00:17:20,999 ♪ I guess that was normal ♪ 383 00:17:21,083 --> 00:17:22,417 ♪ The time they were in ♪ 384 00:17:23,544 --> 00:17:26,880 ♪ People now just assume there'd be molestation ♪ 385 00:17:27,840 --> 00:17:30,300 ♪ With a man and a boy ♪ 386 00:17:30,384 --> 00:17:32,386 ♪ That's a sad reflection ♪ 387 00:17:32,469 --> 00:17:34,471 ♪ Where we are as a nation ♪ 388 00:17:34,972 --> 00:17:37,641 ♪ It's just a man and a boy ♪ 389 00:17:37,850 --> 00:17:41,436 ♪ In the olden days that's just what happened ♪ 390 00:17:42,271 --> 00:17:44,147 ♪ It was all men with boys ♪ 391 00:17:44,231 --> 00:17:47,526 ♪ Don't call the police or worry the least ♪ 392 00:17:47,609 --> 00:17:52,865 ♪ 'Cause I talked to the man and he told me that he's not a priest ♪ 393 00:17:52,948 --> 00:17:56,243 ♪ If he was, that's a whole different story ♪ 394 00:17:56,326 --> 00:17:59,913 ♪ A man and a boy A man and a boy ♪ 395 00:17:59,997 --> 00:18:01,790 ♪ It's a man and a boy ♪ 396 00:18:01,874 --> 00:18:03,625 ♪ Just a man and a boy ♪ 397 00:18:03,709 --> 00:18:07,337 ♪ A man and a boy A man and a boy ♪ 398 00:18:07,421 --> 00:18:09,047 ♪ Let's not ask questions ♪ 399 00:18:09,131 --> 00:18:10,841 ♪ Let's all just enjoy ♪ 400 00:18:11,008 --> 00:18:12,634 ♪ The man with the boy ♪ 401 00:18:16,597 --> 00:18:18,932 That whole time, we just went 30 miles? 402 00:18:19,016 --> 00:18:21,268 Yeah, we'll take a plane the rest of the way. 403 00:18:21,435 --> 00:18:22,769 [♪ Mellow music playing] 404 00:18:24,563 --> 00:18:26,106 Mark? 405 00:18:27,024 --> 00:18:28,025 What happened? 406 00:18:28,108 --> 00:18:31,069 This industry chewed me up and spit me out. 407 00:18:31,153 --> 00:18:35,824 Two weeks ago, I was scarcely aware of my own hindquarters, 408 00:18:35,908 --> 00:18:41,496 and now they've been stretched hither, thither and, worst of all, yon. 409 00:18:41,580 --> 00:18:46,376 Oh, man, I can't help but think this is maybe in some small way, my fault. 410 00:18:46,502 --> 00:18:47,794 -[thud] -Ow! 411 00:18:47,920 --> 00:18:52,090 I wish I could talk, but I'm due on set at 11:00 o'clock. 412 00:18:52,174 --> 00:18:58,597 And 11:08, 11:19, 11:21, 11:27... 413 00:18:58,680 --> 00:19:00,933 Brian, this is one of our great writers, 414 00:19:01,016 --> 00:19:03,227 and now he's being used as a human Kleenex. 415 00:19:04,561 --> 00:19:06,396 Wait! Mister Twain, 416 00:19:06,480 --> 00:19:09,775 my failures as a writer are my responsibility, not yours. 417 00:19:09,858 --> 00:19:11,318 I don't wanna ruin your life too. 418 00:19:11,401 --> 00:19:15,197 Anyone can make pornography, but only you can write your great books. 419 00:19:15,280 --> 00:19:17,157 Please let us bring you home. 420 00:19:17,241 --> 00:19:19,826 Do you think I've gotten enough revenge on my father? 421 00:19:19,910 --> 00:19:22,246 Yeah, all that slutty stuff. You really showed him. 422 00:19:22,329 --> 00:19:25,082 Well, then I'll go. Thanks for saving me. 423 00:19:25,165 --> 00:19:26,458 You're good men. 424 00:19:28,669 --> 00:19:31,255 No, ew, ew. No, no, don't touch me. 425 00:19:31,338 --> 00:19:32,923 You'll land in 1870. 426 00:19:33,006 --> 00:19:35,300 Just step off and it's programmed to return here. 427 00:19:35,384 --> 00:19:39,888 Hmm. I guess you could say, if you don't like the time you're in, wait a minute, 428 00:19:39,972 --> 00:19:41,348 it'll change. 429 00:19:42,057 --> 00:19:45,644 I maintain my deep conviction that that is hilarious. 430 00:19:45,853 --> 00:19:48,522 -[whirring] -[loud bang] 431 00:19:49,648 --> 00:19:51,149 Did he just grab a tug tube? 432 00:19:51,233 --> 00:19:53,861 [announcer] Family Guy is brought to you by Bud Light! 433 00:19:53,944 --> 00:19:57,990 Bringing Mark Twain to the future to get him addicted to porn was our idea! 434 00:19:58,073 --> 00:20:01,076 Bud Light: we can't stop doing sex stuff. 435 00:20:03,412 --> 00:20:06,081 [♪ Jaunty music playing] 436 00:20:06,164 --> 00:20:09,668 Well, Brian, these dopes will never know we saved literary history. 437 00:20:09,751 --> 00:20:12,171 Yep. Thanks to us, quasi-offensive high school 438 00:20:12,254 --> 00:20:14,214 reading remains completely unchanged. 439 00:20:14,298 --> 00:20:18,427 [Twain] Hi, I'm Mark Twain the Fifth, here for the Twain Tube Emporium. 440 00:20:18,552 --> 00:20:21,346 -[Brian] Uh-oh. -We've got the largest selection anywhere, 441 00:20:21,430 --> 00:20:25,893 and we're conveniently located just 801 feet from most schools. 442 00:20:25,976 --> 00:20:28,103 We pay cash for our new tubes, 443 00:20:28,228 --> 00:20:31,940 saving thousands of dollars a month in wholesale finance charges. 444 00:20:32,024 --> 00:20:35,652 And we have the largest selection of used tubes on the East Coast. 445 00:20:35,736 --> 00:20:40,782 I can sell you new or used for far less because our costs are less. 446 00:20:40,866 --> 00:20:42,367 But don't take my word for it. 447 00:20:42,451 --> 00:20:45,120 Ask NASCAR legend, Cooter Duncan. 448 00:20:45,204 --> 00:20:47,080 I demand peak performance. 449 00:20:47,164 --> 00:20:50,751 So when I've gotta reach the finish line, I make it a Twain. 450 00:20:50,834 --> 00:20:52,836 You can trust Twain Tubes, 451 00:20:52,920 --> 00:20:56,006 man and boy operated since 1878. 452 00:20:56,089 --> 00:20:57,674 That's gonna be hard to undo. 453 00:20:57,758 --> 00:21:00,427 [Chris] Who took my Twain out of the dishwasher? 454 00:21:00,511 --> 00:21:02,513 [♪ Closing theme music playing]