Vir Das: Fool Volume

1 00:00:06,000 --> 00:00:12,074 Watch Online Movies and Series for FREE www.osdb.link/lm 2 00:00:12,360 --> 00:00:16,120 ♪ Nocturne, nocturne ♪ 3 00:00:16,200 --> 00:00:18,840 ♪ Once again the night ♪ 4 00:00:19,520 --> 00:00:21,160 ♪ Is coming on… ♪ 5 00:00:21,240 --> 00:00:24,440 [audience cheering loudly] 6 00:00:24,520 --> 00:00:26,760 Hey, London, what's up? Hello. 7 00:00:26,840 --> 00:00:28,840 Let's start. All rise. 8 00:00:31,120 --> 00:00:32,680 You actually did it. Sit the fuck down. 9 00:00:32,760 --> 00:00:34,320 [audience laughing] 10 00:00:37,120 --> 00:00:38,200 [chuckles raucously] 11 00:00:39,520 --> 00:00:41,520 I've always wanted to do that shit, man. 12 00:00:41,600 --> 00:00:43,760 -[audience laughing] -[chuckles] 13 00:00:43,840 --> 00:00:45,040 Jesus Christ! 14 00:00:45,640 --> 00:00:47,640 [audience laughing] 15 00:00:47,720 --> 00:00:49,720 He's not here. He's not here! 16 00:00:50,760 --> 00:00:51,840 He sent me. 17 00:00:52,640 --> 00:00:53,600 ♪ Nocturne… ♪ 18 00:00:53,680 --> 00:00:55,320 [Vir] What's up, Mumbai? Hello. 19 00:00:55,400 --> 00:00:57,920 [audience cheering loudly] 20 00:00:58,000 --> 00:01:00,000 I have good news, and I have bad news. 21 00:01:00,080 --> 00:01:02,720 -Which one would you like to hear first? -[audience] Bad news. 22 00:01:02,800 --> 00:01:06,280 -Most Indian answer ever. -[audience laughing] 23 00:01:06,360 --> 00:01:08,800 Because in India, someone else's bad news… 24 00:01:08,880 --> 00:01:12,560 [audience muttering indistinctly, chuckling] 25 00:01:13,400 --> 00:01:15,120 The bad news is this. 26 00:01:15,680 --> 00:01:17,560 I'm really happy. [snaps fingers] 27 00:01:17,640 --> 00:01:18,920 -[man 1] Whoa! -Yeah. 28 00:01:19,000 --> 00:01:22,760 But the good news is I'll talk about it and hopefully, it'll just go away. 29 00:01:23,360 --> 00:01:24,760 'Cause when we talk about our happiness, 30 00:01:24,840 --> 00:01:28,800 Indian people violate a rule that we've been taught since the British Raj, 31 00:01:28,880 --> 00:01:30,400 "Happiness is silence." 32 00:01:31,000 --> 00:01:33,760 Right? This is why if you ask any Indian, "Are you happy?" 33 00:01:33,840 --> 00:01:35,080 we'll be like… [grunts softly] 34 00:01:35,160 --> 00:01:37,160 -[audience laughing] -[grunts] 35 00:01:37,880 --> 00:01:39,960 Now, don't be confused. This is not a confirmation. 36 00:01:40,040 --> 00:01:42,040 This is not a denial. This is a misdirection. 37 00:01:42,120 --> 00:01:43,520 [audience laughing] 38 00:01:43,600 --> 00:01:44,920 This is not us going, "I don't know." 39 00:01:45,000 --> 00:01:46,840 This is us going, "I don't want you to know. 40 00:01:46,920 --> 00:01:48,480 I only want God to know." 41 00:01:48,560 --> 00:01:50,000 [audience laughing] 42 00:01:50,600 --> 00:01:52,840 'Cause you got to be honest with God, right, guys? 43 00:01:52,920 --> 00:01:54,560 God talks to us, yes? 44 00:01:54,640 --> 00:01:57,680 God says things like, "I love you. Be strong. Vote for me." 45 00:01:57,760 --> 00:02:00,080 [audience laughing loudly] 46 00:02:00,160 --> 00:02:02,760 ♪ Streets clear up Phones… ♪ 47 00:02:02,840 --> 00:02:05,600 -[Vir] What's up, New York? You're good? -[audience] Yeah! 48 00:02:06,120 --> 00:02:08,360 All right, let me tell you a story. Well, a backstory. 49 00:02:08,440 --> 00:02:10,560 I just shot my new Netflix Special, man. 50 00:02:10,640 --> 00:02:14,000 It cuts between London and Mumbai, 51 00:02:14,080 --> 00:02:17,040 and it's a show I wrote in silence. 52 00:02:17,560 --> 00:02:18,640 Well, rewrote. 53 00:02:19,200 --> 00:02:20,840 And the silence is my fault by the way. 54 00:02:20,920 --> 00:02:24,080 Because the… I don't know. Things were going well. 55 00:02:24,720 --> 00:02:28,400 And… I think I got a little arrogant. 56 00:02:29,200 --> 00:02:31,360 And I think the universe can sense arrogance. 57 00:02:31,880 --> 00:02:33,880 Uh, I was in a hotel room in London. 58 00:02:33,960 --> 00:02:36,360 [laboured breathing] 59 00:02:36,440 --> 00:02:40,520 Six weeks before I was supposed to take my new Netflix Special 60 00:02:40,600 --> 00:02:42,920 in a church in London and a stadium in Mumbai, 61 00:02:43,000 --> 00:02:46,000 something in the Universe went… [laboured, drawn-out wheezing] 62 00:02:46,880 --> 00:02:48,040 And I woke up without a voice. 63 00:02:48,120 --> 00:02:49,880 [inhales] Hmm… 64 00:02:51,280 --> 00:02:54,040 Biggest show of my career, six weeks to go. 65 00:02:54,680 --> 00:02:56,840 My voice wasn't sore, it was just gone. 66 00:02:56,920 --> 00:02:58,160 Broken, silent. 67 00:02:58,240 --> 00:03:00,200 It's like the government in my body had changed. 68 00:03:00,280 --> 00:03:02,000 [audience laughing] 69 00:03:02,080 --> 00:03:05,080 And my family was like, "You've been sharing too much good news." 70 00:03:05,160 --> 00:03:07,120 [audience chuckles] 71 00:03:07,200 --> 00:03:09,200 You've activated the evil eye. 72 00:03:09,280 --> 00:03:12,200 I'll explain, American people. The evil eye is ill-wishers. 73 00:03:12,280 --> 00:03:15,880 But they do not do ill to you. They just casually wish ill upon you. 74 00:03:15,960 --> 00:03:17,600 [audience chuckles] 75 00:03:17,680 --> 00:03:19,640 They've combined evil with delegation. 76 00:03:19,720 --> 00:03:20,960 [audience chuckling] 77 00:03:21,040 --> 00:03:22,800 They wish, right? They'll just blow an eyelash 78 00:03:22,880 --> 00:03:24,840 and be like, "Give him erectile dysfunction." [blows] 79 00:03:24,920 --> 00:03:26,360 [audience laughing] 80 00:03:26,440 --> 00:03:28,640 Which I don't mean to mock. I'm sure it's quite hard. 81 00:03:28,720 --> 00:03:30,920 -But, uh… -[audience laughing] 82 00:03:31,000 --> 00:03:32,240 [scattered chuckles] 83 00:03:32,320 --> 00:03:33,720 But the evil eye's a powerful force. 84 00:03:33,800 --> 00:03:36,320 Right? And in India, we call the evil eye… 85 00:03:36,920 --> 00:03:37,880 [audience] Nazar. 86 00:03:37,960 --> 00:03:39,520 Family, that's right. Yes. 87 00:03:39,600 --> 00:03:41,600 [audience laughing, applauding] 88 00:03:46,000 --> 00:03:46,880 Speaking of family, 89 00:03:46,960 --> 00:03:49,400 it is so fucking good to be home. What's up, Mumbai? 90 00:03:49,480 --> 00:03:51,120 What's up, London? What's up, New York? 91 00:03:51,200 --> 00:03:52,560 Good to see you guys. 92 00:03:52,640 --> 00:03:55,720 [audience applauding and cheering loudly] 93 00:03:55,800 --> 00:03:57,160 [Vir speaks indistinctly] 94 00:03:57,240 --> 00:03:58,640 [audience continues cheering] 95 00:03:58,720 --> 00:04:00,720 ["Nocturne" playing faintly] 96 00:04:00,800 --> 00:04:02,520 [audience continues cheering] 97 00:04:06,520 --> 00:04:09,480 The minute you share good news the evil eye is activated. 98 00:04:09,560 --> 00:04:11,480 Observe. I will share some good news. Ready? 99 00:04:12,000 --> 00:04:16,000 So, uh, I won a tiny Emmy Award, all right? And, uh… 100 00:04:16,080 --> 00:04:18,400 -[audience cheering loudly] -Thank you, thank you. 101 00:04:18,920 --> 00:04:20,280 Thank you for supporting my comedy, 102 00:04:20,360 --> 00:04:22,680 and, uh, my family thanks you as well. 103 00:04:22,760 --> 00:04:26,240 Guys, the artist you're watching is now critically acclaimed. [chuckles] 104 00:04:26,760 --> 00:04:29,600 Except the acclaim comes from white people, so nobody gives a fuck. 105 00:04:29,680 --> 00:04:30,640 [scattered laughter] 106 00:04:30,720 --> 00:04:32,840 White validation is brown kryptonite. 107 00:04:32,920 --> 00:04:34,240 [scattered laughter continues] 108 00:04:34,320 --> 00:04:36,520 Everybody is like, "He has betrayed his country." 109 00:04:36,600 --> 00:04:38,600 I know what you're thinking. "Vir, kryptonite is green." 110 00:04:38,680 --> 00:04:41,040 No, that's white money, which is a brown magnet, 111 00:04:41,120 --> 00:04:43,720 which is why you live here, and you have betrayed your country. 112 00:04:43,800 --> 00:04:45,560 [audience laughing] 113 00:04:45,640 --> 00:04:47,560 -[Vir] Evil eye. -[scattered laughter] 114 00:04:47,640 --> 00:04:50,280 No, I get it. A lot of people were conflicted when I won the award, 115 00:04:50,360 --> 00:04:52,840 because I'm an English comedian in India. 116 00:04:53,360 --> 00:04:56,360 And we have this post-colonial resentment of the English language. 117 00:04:56,440 --> 00:04:58,680 We equate English with privilege. Correct? 118 00:04:59,480 --> 00:05:00,480 Falsely so, by the way. 119 00:05:00,560 --> 00:05:03,440 There are many countries in the world where people speak great English, 120 00:05:03,520 --> 00:05:04,720 who are dirt poor. 121 00:05:04,800 --> 00:05:06,720 For instance, the country of England. 122 00:05:06,800 --> 00:05:08,200 [audience chuckling] 123 00:05:10,360 --> 00:05:12,800 If you speak good English, they're like, "Vir Das is not relatable. 124 00:05:12,880 --> 00:05:13,760 Not relatable." 125 00:05:13,840 --> 00:05:15,720 Yeah, neither was Oppenheimer. 126 00:05:15,800 --> 00:05:17,240 [audience laughing] 127 00:05:17,320 --> 00:05:18,720 You watched that shit, no? 128 00:05:18,800 --> 00:05:19,720 Why're you so insecure? 129 00:05:19,800 --> 00:05:22,400 Why do you need to be "related to" all the fucking time? 130 00:05:22,480 --> 00:05:26,000 Did you watch Oppenheimer like, "I just don't see myself in the mushroom cloud." 131 00:05:26,080 --> 00:05:27,600 [audience laughing] 132 00:05:27,680 --> 00:05:29,120 Although give Putin five years… 133 00:05:29,200 --> 00:05:30,880 [scattered laughter] 134 00:05:30,960 --> 00:05:32,360 But in India, there's a spectrum. 135 00:05:32,440 --> 00:05:34,840 If your English is very bad, we will judge you. 136 00:05:35,360 --> 00:05:36,840 But if your English is very good… 137 00:05:36,920 --> 00:05:38,760 -[audience] Judge you. -…we will judge you, right? 138 00:05:38,840 --> 00:05:41,880 It's this… this Appu - Vivek Ramaswamy spectrum. 139 00:05:41,960 --> 00:05:43,960 [audience laughing and applauding] 140 00:05:44,480 --> 00:05:47,640 Right? This… This Mowgli - Rishi Sunak spectrum. 141 00:05:47,720 --> 00:05:49,600 [audience laughing] 142 00:05:49,680 --> 00:05:51,440 This Kangana - Tharoor spectrum. 143 00:05:51,520 --> 00:05:54,840 -Right? They were also-- -[audience cheering and applauding loudly] 144 00:05:56,320 --> 00:05:58,880 The night that I won my Emmy Award, two Indian critics, 145 00:05:58,960 --> 00:06:00,840 mainstream critics got on TV. 146 00:06:00,920 --> 00:06:02,800 And one of them was like, "I don't like Vir Das." 147 00:06:03,320 --> 00:06:05,920 And she was like, "Why?" She said, "His English is too good." 148 00:06:06,440 --> 00:06:09,720 You… you can't be mad at people because they enunciate. 149 00:06:10,760 --> 00:06:13,800 I'm sorry, Mumbai, to enunciate means that you, uh… 150 00:06:13,880 --> 00:06:16,560 [audience laughing and cheering] 151 00:06:16,640 --> 00:06:18,120 We're not the best, right guys? 152 00:06:18,640 --> 00:06:20,160 This first girl I hooked up in Mumbai… 153 00:06:20,240 --> 00:06:23,000 Every time we'd hook up, she'll be like, "Ey, suno, let's bang, no, men?" 154 00:06:23,080 --> 00:06:24,600 [audience laughing] 155 00:06:24,680 --> 00:06:27,960 -"Ey, suno, let's bang no men" -[audience chuckles] 156 00:06:28,040 --> 00:06:31,400 Then we would have consensual sex while assaulting two languages. 157 00:06:31,480 --> 00:06:33,160 [audience laughing] 158 00:06:33,240 --> 00:06:34,280 You get judged, man. 159 00:06:34,360 --> 00:06:35,400 Like I remember once, 160 00:06:35,480 --> 00:06:38,120 one of India's top Hindi comedians came up to me and he was like, 161 00:06:38,200 --> 00:06:39,760 "Vir, you're too global. 162 00:06:39,840 --> 00:06:41,600 Indian stand-up is not global. 163 00:06:41,680 --> 00:06:45,560 You sound privileged. You have to sound relatable, like us." 164 00:06:45,640 --> 00:06:47,440 And then he left in a Range Rover. 165 00:06:47,520 --> 00:06:49,680 [audience laughs] 166 00:06:49,760 --> 00:06:52,200 And that's when you realize the most privileged people in the world 167 00:06:52,280 --> 00:06:54,240 don't speak English, don't need English. 168 00:06:54,320 --> 00:06:55,160 Think about it. 169 00:06:55,240 --> 00:06:56,760 Jack Ma - Mandarin. 170 00:06:56,840 --> 00:06:58,560 Mukesh Ambani - Gujarati. 171 00:06:58,640 --> 00:07:00,000 Elon Musk - X. 172 00:07:00,080 --> 00:07:02,880 -No English is required. -[audience laughing] 173 00:07:02,960 --> 00:07:05,520 Then I got taken to England's top vocal doctor. 174 00:07:05,600 --> 00:07:06,520 And he informed me 175 00:07:06,600 --> 00:07:09,520 that I had massive vocals cysts on both of my vocal cords. 176 00:07:09,600 --> 00:07:10,680 [man speaks indistinctly] 177 00:07:10,760 --> 00:07:11,840 And he said, "Mr. Das, 178 00:07:11,920 --> 00:07:14,280 it could be seven months before you speak properly again. 179 00:07:14,360 --> 00:07:15,920 But you know, look at Djokovic. 180 00:07:16,600 --> 00:07:18,200 Injured, out for six months. 181 00:07:18,280 --> 00:07:21,280 Does so much physio…," [snaps fingers] "…back in five weeks. 182 00:07:21,360 --> 00:07:23,520 You just gotta find a Djokovic inside you." 183 00:07:23,600 --> 00:07:25,920 [scattered laughter] 184 00:07:26,000 --> 00:07:27,320 Do you know how patronizing it is 185 00:07:27,400 --> 00:07:29,760 to compare a comedian to a professional athlete? 186 00:07:30,320 --> 00:07:32,040 That's equivalent to like, if his patient dies, 187 00:07:32,120 --> 00:07:34,160 and I'm like, "I know it's sad but look at Jesus." 188 00:07:34,240 --> 00:07:36,240 [audience chuckling] 189 00:07:37,000 --> 00:07:39,560 "Crucified, out for eternity, does so much physio…" 190 00:07:39,640 --> 00:07:42,040 -[snaps fingers] -[audience chuckling] 191 00:07:42,120 --> 00:07:44,040 -"Back in three days!" -[audience chuckling] 192 00:07:44,120 --> 00:07:47,200 -"You just gotta find a Jesus inside you." -[audience chuckling] 193 00:07:47,720 --> 00:07:51,160 Can you imagine a brown man with a beard telling a white man to find Jesus? 194 00:07:51,240 --> 00:07:53,000 [audience chuckles] 195 00:07:53,080 --> 00:07:54,760 The last guy who did that was Jesus. 196 00:07:54,840 --> 00:07:56,760 [audience chuckling] 197 00:07:56,840 --> 00:07:58,720 [scattered applause] 198 00:07:58,800 --> 00:07:59,800 But I'm training. 199 00:07:59,880 --> 00:08:03,200 I just fired my American trainer. I got a proper Indian trainer, right? 200 00:08:03,280 --> 00:08:05,200 Speaks Hindi, has a paunch. 201 00:08:05,280 --> 00:08:06,800 [audience chuckling] 202 00:08:06,880 --> 00:08:08,600 'Cause this western guy kept saying 203 00:08:08,680 --> 00:08:11,000 all this privileged shit I didn't understand. 204 00:08:11,080 --> 00:08:13,880 He said, [in American accent] "Mr. Das, if you wanna get really lean, 205 00:08:13,960 --> 00:08:16,120 we gotta feed and fast, feed and fast. 206 00:08:16,200 --> 00:08:18,280 We gotta surprise your body." 207 00:08:18,360 --> 00:08:20,560 [in Indian accent] I was like, "Bro, I live in Mumbai. 208 00:08:21,080 --> 00:08:24,240 If I wanna surprise my body, I will cross the road." 209 00:08:24,320 --> 00:08:26,680 [audience laughing and cheering] 210 00:08:26,760 --> 00:08:29,760 "I will be much leaner when there is an SUV on top of my body." 211 00:08:30,440 --> 00:08:33,600 Random privileged shit. "Mr. Das, are you having any antioxidants?" 212 00:08:33,680 --> 00:08:36,120 I'm like, "The AQI is 599 right now. 213 00:08:36,800 --> 00:08:39,240 What oxygen are you referring to in Mumbai?" 214 00:08:39,320 --> 00:08:42,440 At this point, my body converts monoxide into dioxide. 215 00:08:42,520 --> 00:08:44,040 I am an antioxidant. 216 00:08:45,120 --> 00:08:48,560 We have lost half the crowd, by the way. Half the crowd is gone, right? 217 00:08:48,640 --> 00:08:50,600 They're like, "Why's he teaching science? 218 00:08:51,240 --> 00:08:53,200 Did not come here to learn about oxygen!" 219 00:08:53,280 --> 00:08:56,400 [chuckles] "Just make me laugh, bro. Don't make me think!" 220 00:08:56,480 --> 00:08:57,680 This is you! 221 00:08:57,760 --> 00:09:00,120 In the comments, "Just make me laugh, bro! 222 00:09:00,200 --> 00:09:01,440 Don't make me think." 223 00:09:01,520 --> 00:09:04,120 Get someone to tickle you, you basic bitch, all right? 224 00:09:04,200 --> 00:09:07,400 [audience laughing, cheering, applauding] 225 00:09:11,080 --> 00:09:12,120 Random privileged shit. 226 00:09:12,200 --> 00:09:14,400 "Uh, Mr. Das, what're your thoughts on probiotics?" 227 00:09:14,480 --> 00:09:16,160 Do you guys know about probiotics here? 228 00:09:16,240 --> 00:09:18,000 "Your thoughts on probiotics?" 229 00:09:18,080 --> 00:09:20,680 And I was like, "I believe in a woman's right to choose." 230 00:09:20,760 --> 00:09:22,560 [audience chuckling] 231 00:09:22,640 --> 00:09:24,760 -"I am probiotic." -[scattered chuckles] 232 00:09:24,840 --> 00:09:26,800 He was like, "Mr. Das, you're making a mistake." 233 00:09:26,880 --> 00:09:29,840 And I said, "I shouldn't have to live with that mistake for the rest of my life." 234 00:09:29,920 --> 00:09:31,000 [audience laughing] 235 00:09:31,080 --> 00:09:34,400 This trainer… it was so hard not to sound like him 236 00:09:34,480 --> 00:09:35,880 when I was talking to him. 237 00:09:37,160 --> 00:09:40,720 -Indian people… we have a horrible habit. -[audience chuckles] 238 00:09:40,800 --> 00:09:43,680 When we talk to somebody with a foreign accent, 239 00:09:44,200 --> 00:09:46,400 like a dementor, we inhale their accent. 240 00:09:46,480 --> 00:09:48,480 -[inhales deeply] -[audience laughing] 241 00:09:48,560 --> 00:09:50,640 [scattered, amused chuckles] 242 00:09:50,720 --> 00:09:52,720 And do their accent back to their face. 243 00:09:52,800 --> 00:09:54,840 [audience chuckles] 244 00:09:54,920 --> 00:09:57,600 Like, a sweet French guy will come over to your house for dinner. 245 00:09:57,680 --> 00:09:59,360 He'll be like, [in French accent] "This is magnifique. 246 00:09:59,440 --> 00:10:01,280 Could I have some more chicken tikka, please?" 247 00:10:01,360 --> 00:10:03,520 [in normal voice] You will walk into your own kitchen, 248 00:10:04,440 --> 00:10:05,560 look at your Indian mother 249 00:10:05,640 --> 00:10:08,440 and be like, [in French accent] "He would like some more chicken tikka." 250 00:10:08,520 --> 00:10:11,200 [audience laughing and applauding] 251 00:10:11,280 --> 00:10:14,000 [in normal voice] Your mother will come, look at the French guy and be like, 252 00:10:14,080 --> 00:10:16,640 [in French accent] "Beta, would you like some more…" 253 00:10:16,720 --> 00:10:18,040 [audience laughing] 254 00:10:18,120 --> 00:10:20,920 [in normal voice] Now the French guy is fucking terrified, right? 255 00:10:21,000 --> 00:10:23,800 He's like, [in Indian accent] "Uh, Aunty, I would like some more…" 256 00:10:23,880 --> 00:10:25,040 [audience laughing] 257 00:10:25,120 --> 00:10:28,160 [cheering and applauding continues] 258 00:10:28,800 --> 00:10:32,160 Now, you're just three racists surrounding a cold piece of chicken tikka. 259 00:10:32,640 --> 00:10:36,760 To get rid of the evil eye, six pundits, six priests were sent over to my house, 260 00:10:36,840 --> 00:10:38,480 and they did an 8-hour worship ritual, 261 00:10:38,560 --> 00:10:41,680 where they built a shivling out of milk and ghee and ice 262 00:10:41,760 --> 00:10:44,200 that stood by itself six feet into the air. 263 00:10:44,280 --> 00:10:46,160 One of the most beautiful things I've ever seen. 264 00:10:46,240 --> 00:10:49,320 I was like, "Can you complete the bridges in Mumbai, please?" 265 00:10:49,400 --> 00:10:52,640 [audience chuckling] 266 00:10:52,720 --> 00:10:55,240 And the pundit was like, "Now, you need to pray every night." 267 00:10:55,320 --> 00:10:57,840 I couldn't talk to the pundit, and I was like, "Well, that's 268 00:10:57,920 --> 00:10:59,680 kind of why I hired you." 269 00:10:59,760 --> 00:11:01,600 [scattered chuckles] 270 00:11:01,680 --> 00:11:03,400 And he was like, "Oh, we don't pray for you. 271 00:11:03,480 --> 00:11:05,880 We just make sure that your prayer is heard first." 272 00:11:05,960 --> 00:11:07,600 [scattered chuckles] 273 00:11:07,680 --> 00:11:10,520 I was like, "So, you are like the TSA precheck…" 274 00:11:10,600 --> 00:11:12,600 [audience chuckling] 275 00:11:12,680 --> 00:11:13,640 -"…of God?" 276 00:11:14,160 --> 00:11:15,880 And he was like, "Yeah, take your shoes off." 277 00:11:15,960 --> 00:11:18,160 [audience laughing] 278 00:11:18,240 --> 00:11:19,920 I don't pray that much, right? 279 00:11:20,000 --> 00:11:23,960 Like, I casually take God's name during orgasms and deadlifts, right? 280 00:11:24,040 --> 00:11:26,040 [audience laughing] 281 00:11:26,120 --> 00:11:29,120 Which, for me, are very similar experiences, guys. 282 00:11:30,080 --> 00:11:33,080 -You know, my knees don't cooperate. -[audience chuckling] 283 00:11:33,160 --> 00:11:35,680 [moaning] Looking in a mirror… You know, the very… 284 00:11:35,760 --> 00:11:37,320 [audience chuckling] 285 00:11:37,920 --> 00:11:39,040 [chuckles] But, like… 286 00:11:39,120 --> 00:11:43,160 Like, I talk to God. Like the other day, I was praying because I lost my passport. 287 00:11:43,680 --> 00:11:46,520 Like, you, sir, can get a new passport in 24 hours 288 00:11:46,600 --> 00:11:48,480 if you have contacts in the government. 289 00:11:48,560 --> 00:11:52,000 Except for me, contact with the government is why I need my passport. 290 00:11:52,080 --> 00:11:54,320 [audience laughing] 291 00:11:54,400 --> 00:11:57,200 So, if I lose my passport, I haven't lost my passport. 292 00:11:57,280 --> 00:11:59,040 God has taken my passport. 293 00:11:59,800 --> 00:12:01,040 And I just find religion… 294 00:12:01,120 --> 00:12:03,680 You know, when I'm desperate, I laugh, right? 295 00:12:03,760 --> 00:12:06,400 So, I was like, [chuckles] "God, listen, I cannot 296 00:12:06,480 --> 00:12:09,200 tell jokes to a world I do not get to see." 297 00:12:09,280 --> 00:12:12,120 And then all of a sudden, a file in front of me flew open. 298 00:12:12,200 --> 00:12:15,320 I heard a noise, which was like… [mimics wind blowing explosively] 299 00:12:15,400 --> 00:12:19,120 And my passport, I swear to God, was five feet away, inside that file, 300 00:12:19,200 --> 00:12:21,840 like, hidden under this paper where some jokes were written. 301 00:12:22,360 --> 00:12:26,240 And I was so happy I cried happy tears over a piece of paper. 302 00:12:26,760 --> 00:12:29,240 The last time I did that a pregnancy test came negative. 303 00:12:29,320 --> 00:12:30,640 [audience laughing] 304 00:12:30,720 --> 00:12:33,280 I needed my passport because I went to Australia. 305 00:12:33,360 --> 00:12:35,520 -Uh… -[scattered chuckles] 306 00:12:35,600 --> 00:12:38,160 I'm sorry, any Australians in the audience? Make some noise. 307 00:12:38,240 --> 00:12:40,680 -[scattered] Whoa! -Good to see you. I like your country. 308 00:12:40,760 --> 00:12:43,800 I mean, you guys are, na, you're like, England's Bangladesh. 309 00:12:43,880 --> 00:12:46,560 [audience laughing and cheering] 310 00:12:46,640 --> 00:12:47,760 Is that a… ? 311 00:12:47,840 --> 00:12:49,840 -[audience continues laughing] -Sorry, I apologise. 312 00:12:49,920 --> 00:12:51,520 I apologise, I'm sorry. 313 00:12:52,160 --> 00:12:56,600 -You're New Zealand's Pakistan. -[audience continues laughing loudly] 314 00:12:56,680 --> 00:12:59,760 [audience applauding and whistling] 315 00:13:01,000 --> 00:13:04,720 Here's what happened. I follow rules when I'm at airports abroad. 316 00:13:05,440 --> 00:13:08,560 I never wanna embarrass India abroad unless it's at a large theatre. 317 00:13:08,640 --> 00:13:09,920 [audience chuckles] 318 00:13:10,000 --> 00:13:12,240 And this old Aussie lady 319 00:13:13,200 --> 00:13:14,560 picked me out of line. 320 00:13:14,640 --> 00:13:16,560 Full of white people and she was like, "You sir, 321 00:13:16,640 --> 00:13:18,000 you're gonna check your bag in." 322 00:13:18,520 --> 00:13:21,920 I was like, "Madam it's under 9 kilos, only one item." 323 00:13:22,000 --> 00:13:24,400 She was like, "No! you're gonna check your bag in." 324 00:13:24,480 --> 00:13:26,200 I was pissed off. Would you be pissed off? 325 00:13:26,280 --> 00:13:27,120 [audience] Yes. 326 00:13:27,200 --> 00:13:29,800 I was like, "Are you gonna check any of the white people?" 327 00:13:29,880 --> 00:13:32,840 All white people were like, "Fuck! Now she's gonna check the white people!" 328 00:13:32,920 --> 00:13:34,080 -[audience laughs] -[chuckles] 329 00:13:34,160 --> 00:13:37,760 She just pointed at me and she was like, "No, just you!" 330 00:13:38,560 --> 00:13:41,000 I was delighted. I was. I was like, "Oh, my God! 331 00:13:41,080 --> 00:13:42,600 It's an OG racist." 332 00:13:42,680 --> 00:13:44,840 [audience chuckling] 333 00:13:44,920 --> 00:13:46,440 It's like seeing the Northern Lights. 334 00:13:46,520 --> 00:13:48,880 You're like, "I've seen in books and movies, 335 00:13:48,960 --> 00:13:51,160 but it's so much more impressive in person." 336 00:13:51,920 --> 00:13:54,680 You never see an OG racist in a modern setting. 337 00:13:54,760 --> 00:13:56,440 It fucks with your brain, right? 338 00:13:56,520 --> 00:13:58,480 It's like seeing a Nazi drink Boba tea. 339 00:13:58,960 --> 00:14:00,920 [audience laughing] 340 00:14:01,000 --> 00:14:04,160 Which I would pay good money to see, yo! [chuckles] 341 00:14:04,240 --> 00:14:06,280 Full SS uniforms… [mimics slurping noisily] 342 00:14:06,800 --> 00:14:07,640 He… 343 00:14:07,720 --> 00:14:09,680 He… heil… 344 00:14:09,760 --> 00:14:12,000 -Heil Hitler! -[scattered chuckles] 345 00:14:12,800 --> 00:14:16,680 I really do feel racists are a marginalized community. 346 00:14:16,760 --> 00:14:19,520 [audience chuckling] 347 00:14:19,600 --> 00:14:21,680 Have you considered the struggle of being a racist? 348 00:14:21,760 --> 00:14:23,760 To identify as a bigot 349 00:14:23,840 --> 00:14:26,360 but to be trapped inside an intelligent person's body. 350 00:14:26,440 --> 00:14:27,600 [audience laughing] 351 00:14:27,680 --> 00:14:30,880 Racists have no public platforms. It's just 80% of American podcast. 352 00:14:30,960 --> 00:14:32,600 -That's it, right? -[audience chuckling] 353 00:14:32,680 --> 00:14:34,640 All of their good ideas have been stolen, 354 00:14:34,720 --> 00:14:36,560 culturally appropriated from racists. 355 00:14:36,640 --> 00:14:39,320 Racists came up with the N-word, Hip Hop… [mimics swishing] took it. 356 00:14:39,400 --> 00:14:40,240 [audience cheering] 357 00:14:40,320 --> 00:14:43,440 Racists came up with segregation, pickleball… [mimics swishing] took it. 358 00:14:43,520 --> 00:14:44,760 [audience chuckles] 359 00:14:44,840 --> 00:14:47,480 Racists came up with slavery, Apple… [mimics swishing] took it. 360 00:14:47,560 --> 00:14:49,720 [audience laughing loudly] 361 00:14:49,800 --> 00:14:52,120 All their good ideas are gone. Then what is the life of a racist? 362 00:14:52,200 --> 00:14:55,200 You make a tiny Paki like me check his luggage. 363 00:14:55,280 --> 00:14:57,200 Then you go home and have quiet missionary sex 364 00:14:57,280 --> 00:14:58,680 under a picture of Churchill. 365 00:14:58,760 --> 00:15:00,760 [audience laughing] 366 00:15:01,720 --> 00:15:02,640 What's… 367 00:15:02,720 --> 00:15:04,280 [laughing continues] 368 00:15:04,360 --> 00:15:06,880 Picture of Winston Churchill… it's got to be missionary. 369 00:15:06,960 --> 00:15:07,840 [audience chuckling] 370 00:15:07,920 --> 00:15:09,920 You can't do anal under Churchill. 371 00:15:10,000 --> 00:15:11,600 [audience laughing] 372 00:15:11,680 --> 00:15:13,280 Churchill has never seen, uh… 373 00:15:13,360 --> 00:15:14,560 [audience chuckling] 374 00:15:14,640 --> 00:15:15,720 …"colon"isation. 375 00:15:15,800 --> 00:15:18,080 [audience laughing, cheering and applauding] 376 00:15:18,160 --> 00:15:21,400 -I… -[audience applauding and cheering] 377 00:15:24,480 --> 00:15:26,160 I'm walking into first class. 378 00:15:26,240 --> 00:15:28,480 She keeps smiling at me with victory in her eyes. 379 00:15:28,560 --> 00:15:29,920 Something in me snapped. 380 00:15:30,000 --> 00:15:32,520 Usually, Indian people, we shut up and take it, right? 381 00:15:33,040 --> 00:15:36,320 I was like, "Madam, I hope an Indian marries your daughter." 382 00:15:36,400 --> 00:15:38,080 [audience laughing loudly] 383 00:15:38,160 --> 00:15:40,400 I hope her daughter comes home with a beautiful Indian man. 384 00:15:40,480 --> 00:15:42,880 -Fucking Dev Patel's face… -[audience chuckles] 385 00:15:42,960 --> 00:15:45,520 -…with Sadhguru's mustache… [chuckles] -[audience chuckles] 386 00:15:45,600 --> 00:15:46,920 …on, like, my body. 387 00:15:47,960 --> 00:15:49,360 They have to sleep in the next room 388 00:15:49,440 --> 00:15:53,360 and listen to weird Indian-Aussie mix sex coming through the wall all night long. 389 00:15:53,440 --> 00:15:55,400 Yes, "Aussie! Aussie! Aussie!" "Oye! Hoye! Hoye!" 390 00:15:55,480 --> 00:15:57,480 [audience laughing loudly] 391 00:15:57,560 --> 00:16:00,480 -[audience cheering and applauding] -[chuckles] Just… 392 00:16:02,880 --> 00:16:04,880 Just… Hah! Tu! [mimics engine revving] 393 00:16:04,960 --> 00:16:06,760 [audience laughing hysterically] 394 00:16:06,840 --> 00:16:08,720 Guys, she was 65. 395 00:16:08,800 --> 00:16:10,040 You gotta have empathy. 396 00:16:10,120 --> 00:16:12,680 It is possible to love an old racist, right? 397 00:16:12,760 --> 00:16:15,080 Indians, go to your family WhatsApp group right now. 398 00:16:15,160 --> 00:16:16,320 [audience chuckling] 399 00:16:16,400 --> 00:16:20,800 Fun fact, if you cannot find a racist in your family WhatsApp group, 400 00:16:20,880 --> 00:16:21,920 you're the fucking racist. 401 00:16:22,000 --> 00:16:24,440 [audience laughing] 402 00:16:24,520 --> 00:16:25,600 Don't be… don't be ashamed. 403 00:16:25,680 --> 00:16:28,440 One of my grand aunts, legendary Islamophobe. 404 00:16:28,520 --> 00:16:29,880 -[audience chuckling] -Legendary! 405 00:16:29,960 --> 00:16:31,960 Platinum member frequent flyer bigot. 406 00:16:32,040 --> 00:16:34,040 [audience laughing] 407 00:16:34,600 --> 00:16:37,280 Every time she saw me do stand-up, she'll be like, "Hai Allah!" 408 00:16:37,360 --> 00:16:38,200 [audience chuckles] 409 00:16:38,280 --> 00:16:41,160 I was like, "Don't you…" [chuckles] "…hate Muslims?" 410 00:16:41,240 --> 00:16:44,040 She'll be like, "Yeah, but when I'm disappointed, I invoke their god." 411 00:16:44,120 --> 00:16:46,960 [audience laughing and cheering] 412 00:16:47,040 --> 00:16:48,920 Why bother our own? 413 00:16:49,000 --> 00:16:51,680 Then I got taken to Adele's speech therapist. 414 00:16:51,760 --> 00:16:52,880 [hums and blows] 415 00:16:53,400 --> 00:16:55,640 She has the same problem as me, same level of talent. 416 00:16:55,720 --> 00:16:58,680 -And, uh… [chuckles] -[audience chuckling and cheering loudly] 417 00:16:58,760 --> 00:17:01,320 It's this tiny Jewish lady who charges a lot of money, 418 00:17:01,400 --> 00:17:02,840 and she gave me this. 419 00:17:03,400 --> 00:17:04,880 -This is a kazoo. -[scattered laughter] 420 00:17:04,960 --> 00:17:08,760 She was like, [in Jewish accent] "When you can play, 'happy birthday' on the kazoo, 421 00:17:08,840 --> 00:17:11,680 you're ready for theatrical performances again." 422 00:17:11,760 --> 00:17:15,680 And I was like, "When you can do burpees on a marshmallow carpet, 423 00:17:15,760 --> 00:17:19,120 you're ready for an appendectomy, because I thought we were playing a game 424 00:17:19,200 --> 00:17:21,640 where we said fucking nonsense sentences to each other." 425 00:17:21,720 --> 00:17:23,760 [audience chuckling] 426 00:17:24,280 --> 00:17:26,360 This is impossible to make a noise out of. 427 00:17:26,440 --> 00:17:27,320 [blowing] 428 00:17:27,400 --> 00:17:29,600 Doesn't happen. The noise has to come from within. 429 00:17:29,680 --> 00:17:35,360 Every day, 20 times a day, I was like… [blows shrill quacks] 430 00:17:35,440 --> 00:17:37,480 Do you know how many ducks have shown up to my house… 431 00:17:37,560 --> 00:17:41,000 [audience laughing and applauding] 432 00:17:41,080 --> 00:17:43,760 -…looking for action… [chuckles] -[audience chuckles] 433 00:17:43,840 --> 00:17:44,880 …and received it… 434 00:17:44,960 --> 00:17:47,480 [audience laughing loudly] 435 00:17:47,560 --> 00:17:49,560 …because we are speaking the same language? 436 00:17:49,640 --> 00:17:51,440 -[audience chuckling] -[chuckles] 437 00:17:51,520 --> 00:17:52,560 Duck shows up, I'm like… 438 00:17:52,640 --> 00:17:55,600 [plays sultry music on kazoo ] 439 00:17:55,680 --> 00:17:59,720 [audience cheering and applauding] 440 00:17:59,800 --> 00:18:03,480 [continues playing sultry music on kazoo] 441 00:18:03,560 --> 00:18:05,400 [audience cheering loudly] 442 00:18:05,480 --> 00:18:08,520 [audience applauding] 443 00:18:10,880 --> 00:18:12,960 You got your money's worth, right? Musical performance. 444 00:18:13,040 --> 00:18:14,160 [scattered laughter] 445 00:18:14,240 --> 00:18:16,720 But she was like, "Mr. Das, you've been using your voice wrong 446 00:18:16,800 --> 00:18:17,800 for 20 years." 447 00:18:17,880 --> 00:18:19,880 And I was like, "How left-wing intellectual of you." 448 00:18:19,960 --> 00:18:21,320 [audience chuckling] 449 00:18:21,400 --> 00:18:24,680 This is why I like the younger generation. Anybody here, 18 to 25? Make some noise. 450 00:18:24,760 --> 00:18:26,560 -[audience squealing] -I like you guys. 451 00:18:26,640 --> 00:18:28,720 'Cause you're outspoken, you're not silent, you share. 452 00:18:28,800 --> 00:18:30,880 You're brave. You put yourself out there. 453 00:18:30,960 --> 00:18:32,960 We give you feedback, you get triggered, we laugh. 454 00:18:33,040 --> 00:18:35,760 -That's the system. -[audience laughing and applauding] 455 00:18:35,840 --> 00:18:37,840 [Vir] That's great! That's… 456 00:18:39,040 --> 00:18:41,400 That's why we… [chuckles] 457 00:18:41,480 --> 00:18:43,880 That's why we let you believe you have your own truth. 458 00:18:43,960 --> 00:18:45,120 [audience chuckles] 459 00:18:45,200 --> 00:18:48,160 -Your truth is our content. -[audience laughing] 460 00:18:48,240 --> 00:18:51,160 Hi, I have two nephews. They are the generation below Gen Z. 461 00:18:51,240 --> 00:18:52,600 What are they called? 462 00:18:52,680 --> 00:18:55,400 -Morons? I… -[audience laughing] 463 00:18:55,480 --> 00:18:58,040 My nephews are 14. I took them to a museum. 464 00:18:58,760 --> 00:19:00,040 My nephew is super pissed off 465 00:19:00,120 --> 00:19:03,920 that a massive European painting will not fit into his phone this way. 466 00:19:04,000 --> 00:19:06,000 [audience chuckling] 467 00:19:06,080 --> 00:19:08,400 And I was like, "Fucker! Just turn your phone." 468 00:19:09,400 --> 00:19:11,040 And he's like, "Vir mama, you don't understand. 469 00:19:11,120 --> 00:19:12,200 The world has changed. 470 00:19:12,280 --> 00:19:13,760 Life is vertical." 471 00:19:13,840 --> 00:19:15,840 [audience laughing] 472 00:19:16,600 --> 00:19:18,520 I was like, "I'm gonna change my will now." 473 00:19:18,600 --> 00:19:20,080 [audience laughing] 474 00:19:20,160 --> 00:19:22,480 "I'm not gonna cut you off. I will leave you everything I have 475 00:19:22,560 --> 00:19:24,040 if you cremate me vertical." 476 00:19:24,120 --> 00:19:26,080 [audience laughing] 477 00:19:27,080 --> 00:19:30,320 "With these eyes open, I wanna look down at the family while I burn, all right? 478 00:19:31,120 --> 00:19:34,000 And I want a DJ playing, like, techno music behind me, right? 479 00:19:34,080 --> 00:19:36,680 I want it to be like, sunburn meets sati, all right? And…" 480 00:19:36,760 --> 00:19:38,360 [audience laughing] 481 00:19:38,440 --> 00:19:40,920 "And like, grief meets Glastonbury, all right? Like… 482 00:19:41,480 --> 00:19:43,480 Like burning man meets burning man." 483 00:19:43,560 --> 00:19:44,720 [audience laughing] 484 00:19:45,320 --> 00:19:46,600 "And I want you to…" [chuckles] 485 00:19:47,120 --> 00:19:50,200 "…film the entire thing and upload it to Instagram, 486 00:19:50,280 --> 00:19:52,560 and just caption it, 'Vir mama! Lit!'" 487 00:19:52,640 --> 00:19:54,640 [audience laughing] 488 00:19:57,040 --> 00:19:59,040 [audience cheering and applauding] 489 00:19:59,960 --> 00:20:02,880 Which is almost the perfect caption for a cremation, right? 490 00:20:03,680 --> 00:20:07,200 So easily manipulated because you commodify distraction. 491 00:20:07,280 --> 00:20:08,800 All you wanna do is have the drop. 492 00:20:08,880 --> 00:20:11,600 You can do one-hour show for Gen Z with one punchline. 493 00:20:11,680 --> 00:20:12,800 "Just delay the drop!" 494 00:20:12,880 --> 00:20:14,480 [scattered laughter] 495 00:20:14,560 --> 00:20:17,040 "Vir mama, the world has changed. Life is vertical." 496 00:20:17,760 --> 00:20:19,160 [raps] ♪ The world has changed ♪ 497 00:20:19,240 --> 00:20:23,200 ♪ The world has changed, Changed, changed, changed, Vir Mama ♪ 498 00:20:23,280 --> 00:20:26,160 ♪ Changed, changed, changed, Changed, changed, changed, Vir Mama ♪ 499 00:20:26,240 --> 00:20:28,960 ♪ Life, life, life, life, Life, life , life, life ♪ 500 00:20:29,040 --> 00:20:31,400 ♪ Life, life, life, life, life ♪ 501 00:20:31,480 --> 00:20:34,080 ♪ Is vertical ♪ [rapid vocalizations] 502 00:20:34,160 --> 00:20:35,400 ♪ Life is vertical ♪ 503 00:20:35,480 --> 00:20:37,480 [audience cheering and applauding] 504 00:20:39,800 --> 00:20:43,200 [cheering, whistling and applauding continues] 505 00:20:43,280 --> 00:20:46,000 -Look at your stupid faces, right? -[audience chuckling] 506 00:20:46,080 --> 00:20:48,360 All the adults are like, "What is happening?" 507 00:20:48,880 --> 00:20:50,880 [chuckles] "I want a refund." 508 00:20:51,480 --> 00:20:53,280 Gen Z is like, "Let him cook, bro!" 509 00:20:53,360 --> 00:20:55,360 [audience laughing] 510 00:20:57,560 --> 00:21:00,480 And that is a perfect caption for a cremation. 511 00:21:00,560 --> 00:21:03,480 [audience laughing] 512 00:21:03,560 --> 00:21:06,720 Then four weeks before the stadium show, I tried homeopathy. 513 00:21:06,800 --> 00:21:09,320 Anybody doesn't know what homeopathy is make some noise. 514 00:21:09,400 --> 00:21:11,080 -[scattered clapping] -Yeah, I'll explain. 515 00:21:11,160 --> 00:21:14,960 So, sir, a homeopath is a lonely virgin man… 516 00:21:15,040 --> 00:21:17,160 [audience chuckling] 517 00:21:17,240 --> 00:21:20,000 …who sits in a two-foot by two-foot room 518 00:21:20,080 --> 00:21:21,800 surrounded by white powder, all right? 519 00:21:21,880 --> 00:21:25,080 It's… It's like a closet at a Diddy party. 520 00:21:25,160 --> 00:21:27,000 -[splutters] -[audience chuckles] 521 00:21:27,080 --> 00:21:29,640 And he gave me white powder to put in my fucking face. 522 00:21:29,720 --> 00:21:32,040 I was like, "What is this?" and he was like, "Doesn't matter." 523 00:21:32,120 --> 00:21:33,320 [audience chuckles] 524 00:21:33,400 --> 00:21:36,960 So now, eight times a day, I put white powder into my fucking face. 525 00:21:37,040 --> 00:21:39,320 I don't even do stand-up anymore. I work in finance. 526 00:21:39,400 --> 00:21:41,400 [audience laughing] 527 00:21:42,200 --> 00:21:43,040 I'm an addict. 528 00:21:43,120 --> 00:21:44,960 [scattered cheers and laughter] 529 00:21:45,040 --> 00:21:46,640 Here's the problem with your generation. 530 00:21:46,720 --> 00:21:48,320 -Um… -[audience laughing] 531 00:21:48,400 --> 00:21:50,240 You got addicted to performative validation 532 00:21:50,320 --> 00:21:51,400 on dopamine devices. 533 00:21:51,480 --> 00:21:53,400 You guys are obsessed with identity. 534 00:21:53,480 --> 00:21:54,360 Not personality. 535 00:21:54,440 --> 00:21:57,760 So, when you put yourself out there, it's what you are, not who you are. 536 00:21:57,840 --> 00:22:00,040 So, you're trying to gather and broadcast labels 537 00:22:00,120 --> 00:22:02,360 'cause they all represent shots of dopamine. 538 00:22:02,440 --> 00:22:04,480 from the internet that you're addicted to. 539 00:22:04,560 --> 00:22:06,360 So you're not just a human being. 540 00:22:06,440 --> 00:22:09,800 You're a polyamorous, ADHD, vegan, juggler, who's religiously agnostic, 541 00:22:09,880 --> 00:22:11,400 but Avengers Adjacent, right? 542 00:22:12,000 --> 00:22:14,280 And… listen, I… I don't wanna patronize you, 543 00:22:14,360 --> 00:22:16,280 but as you get older, 544 00:22:16,360 --> 00:22:19,720 you discover that the world is really fucking basic. Right, grownups? 545 00:22:19,800 --> 00:22:21,160 [murmured ascent] 546 00:22:21,240 --> 00:22:24,160 Amulya, there are only two types of people in the entire world. 547 00:22:24,240 --> 00:22:25,440 There are assholes 548 00:22:26,320 --> 00:22:27,960 and there are people who deal with assholes. 549 00:22:28,040 --> 00:22:31,520 -That's it. That's the entire world. -[audience applauding and cheering] 550 00:22:33,880 --> 00:22:36,880 Let's not be unevolved, there are intersectional assholes in the world. 551 00:22:37,400 --> 00:22:40,360 There are black assholes, white assholes, straight assholes, gay assholes, 552 00:22:40,440 --> 00:22:41,400 trans assholes. 553 00:22:41,480 --> 00:22:43,840 On the flipside, some vegans are nice people. 554 00:22:43,920 --> 00:22:45,440 [audience laughing] 555 00:22:45,520 --> 00:22:46,440 People are nuanced. 556 00:22:46,520 --> 00:22:48,160 They're complex. Right, London? 557 00:22:48,680 --> 00:22:51,600 I'm just saying even Adolf Hitler was a dog lover. 558 00:22:51,680 --> 00:22:52,560 Remember? 559 00:22:53,040 --> 00:22:56,360 Side note. How confused do you think Hitler's dog was? 560 00:22:56,440 --> 00:22:57,640 [audience laughing] 561 00:22:58,360 --> 00:23:00,600 Dog only understands visuals, not politics, right? 562 00:23:00,680 --> 00:23:02,600 If you're Hitler's dog, 563 00:23:02,680 --> 00:23:04,680 every time your dad is outside, your dad is like… 564 00:23:04,760 --> 00:23:08,360 [mimics Hitler's fiery speech in German] 565 00:23:08,440 --> 00:23:09,800 Never throws a ball. 566 00:23:09,880 --> 00:23:11,880 [audience laughing] 567 00:23:13,440 --> 00:23:15,440 [audience applauding and cheering] 568 00:23:16,440 --> 00:23:18,320 Then when you're silent, what you discover is 569 00:23:18,400 --> 00:23:21,600 you make up your own sign language that nobody understands but you. 570 00:23:22,120 --> 00:23:24,400 I looked at my assistant. I wanted a decaf black and I was like… 571 00:23:24,480 --> 00:23:26,480 [whispers] "I would like a decaf black." 572 00:23:26,560 --> 00:23:28,360 [audience chuckles] 573 00:23:30,920 --> 00:23:34,360 [in normal voice] He was like, "What?" I'm like, [whispers] "a decaf black." 574 00:23:36,200 --> 00:23:37,400 "What?" [chuckles] 575 00:23:38,320 --> 00:23:40,320 I was like, [whispers] "Your mother is a whore." 576 00:23:40,400 --> 00:23:42,360 [audience laughing] 577 00:23:42,440 --> 00:23:44,120 [in normal voice] "You wanna a decaf black?" 578 00:23:44,200 --> 00:23:46,400 [audience laughing] 579 00:23:46,480 --> 00:23:48,680 Everybody around you gets quiet as well. 580 00:23:48,760 --> 00:23:52,120 Everybody is like, "Oh, my God!" [whispers] "You've lost your voice!" 581 00:23:52,640 --> 00:23:55,160 -[voice fades] "That's so sad." -[audience chuckles] 582 00:23:55,240 --> 00:23:57,200 [whispers] "Would you like a decaf black?" 583 00:23:57,280 --> 00:23:58,280 [audience chuckles] 584 00:23:58,360 --> 00:23:59,760 [mouths] "Yes!" 585 00:23:59,840 --> 00:24:01,920 [scattered laughter] 586 00:24:03,320 --> 00:24:06,640 And you discover that when one person breaks silence is contagious. 587 00:24:07,720 --> 00:24:08,880 And I get it because 588 00:24:08,960 --> 00:24:12,480 if you ever land into controversy by choice or not by choice, 589 00:24:12,560 --> 00:24:13,720 you become a story. 590 00:24:14,280 --> 00:24:16,920 And the problem of becoming a story is, uh… 591 00:24:17,000 --> 00:24:19,440 you're milked for attention no matter where you go. 592 00:24:19,520 --> 00:24:21,520 Every time I was in New York, 593 00:24:21,600 --> 00:24:24,680 or somewhere in the UK, a white journalist would show up and they'll be like, 594 00:24:24,760 --> 00:24:25,960 [accented] "Oh my God! 595 00:24:26,040 --> 00:24:31,400 Can we do like a 9000-word exclusive on how you're being silent on your plight?" 596 00:24:33,480 --> 00:24:35,200 [subdued laughter] 597 00:24:35,280 --> 00:24:36,640 "I'm sorry, my plight? 598 00:24:37,160 --> 00:24:40,440 Forgive me, madam. It feels like you need some sort of eastern-oppression story 599 00:24:40,520 --> 00:24:42,960 to feel better about where you live. All right?" 600 00:24:43,040 --> 00:24:44,920 -Listen, somebody's-- -[audience cheering] 601 00:24:45,000 --> 00:24:47,560 Somebody's plight is like their erection. 602 00:24:47,640 --> 00:24:48,480 All right? 603 00:24:48,560 --> 00:24:50,960 I know it's hard to look at, but it's rude to point it out. 604 00:24:51,040 --> 00:24:51,920 [audience laughing] 605 00:24:52,000 --> 00:24:54,360 And she's like, "You don't understand. Our audience is huge 606 00:24:54,440 --> 00:24:55,560 and they're gonna sympathise." 607 00:24:55,640 --> 00:24:58,920 I'm like, "My audience is small, but they're going to empathise, alright?" 608 00:24:59,000 --> 00:25:01,800 -Sympathy… -[audience cheering and applauding loudly] 609 00:25:03,080 --> 00:25:05,240 Sympathy is a porn video that you watch for pleasure. 610 00:25:05,320 --> 00:25:08,040 Empathy is an orgy. We're all getting fucked together. 611 00:25:08,120 --> 00:25:09,520 [scattered laughter] 612 00:25:09,600 --> 00:25:12,680 Now, listen, about 30% of you responded to that joke. 613 00:25:12,760 --> 00:25:13,920 [scattered laughter] 614 00:25:14,000 --> 00:25:16,000 And I need you to stay back after the show. 615 00:25:16,080 --> 00:25:17,440 [audience laughing heartily] 616 00:25:17,520 --> 00:25:18,600 [chuckles] That was… 617 00:25:19,080 --> 00:25:20,120 not a metaphor. 618 00:25:20,200 --> 00:25:21,680 [audience chuckles] 619 00:25:21,760 --> 00:25:24,040 "How's the Vir Das show?" "He does a lot of crowd work. 620 00:25:24,120 --> 00:25:27,000 -It's really intense." -[audience laughing] 621 00:25:28,000 --> 00:25:32,000 I genuinely think that if you don't put them on the spot, 622 00:25:32,080 --> 00:25:33,640 if you give them a safe space, 623 00:25:33,720 --> 00:25:35,240 if you give them anonymity, 624 00:25:35,320 --> 00:25:37,880 most people will have an honest conversation. 625 00:25:37,960 --> 00:25:40,880 Tell the truth and they know right from wrong. Would you agree? 626 00:25:41,480 --> 00:25:42,960 Right? I think so. 627 00:25:44,520 --> 00:25:46,160 Let's find out. Turn the lights out, Shastri. 628 00:25:46,240 --> 00:25:47,600 [scattered chuckles] 629 00:25:47,680 --> 00:25:49,000 Kavi, put the lights out. 630 00:25:49,080 --> 00:25:50,400 [scattered chuckles] 631 00:25:50,480 --> 00:25:52,240 [people whooping and cheering] 632 00:25:52,320 --> 00:25:54,480 [audience continues cheering] 633 00:25:54,560 --> 00:25:56,560 [Vir] Yeah, so the Christmas tree doesn't go off. 634 00:25:56,640 --> 00:25:58,640 [audience laughing loudly] 635 00:26:02,920 --> 00:26:06,600 I have five electricians on my crew, nobody could fucking figure this out. 636 00:26:06,680 --> 00:26:08,120 [audience chuckling] 637 00:26:08,200 --> 00:26:10,760 And this Special is gonna come out in the summer, behenchods! 638 00:26:10,840 --> 00:26:12,800 -So-- -[audience laughing hysterically] 639 00:26:12,880 --> 00:26:15,280 [audience cheering and applauding] 640 00:26:19,840 --> 00:26:22,320 British people, so we be honest with each other, shall we? 641 00:26:22,400 --> 00:26:24,440 -[man 2 whoops] -[Vir chuckles] 642 00:26:24,520 --> 00:26:27,840 Every time something happens in your country, 643 00:26:28,360 --> 00:26:31,080 80% of the world has zero sympathy for you. 644 00:26:31,160 --> 00:26:33,560 [audience laughing] 645 00:26:34,760 --> 00:26:37,560 [Vir] I'm sorry. It's just not been long enough. 646 00:26:37,640 --> 00:26:39,120 [audience chuckles] 647 00:26:39,200 --> 00:26:41,600 [Vir] You fucked around and found out for so long 648 00:26:41,680 --> 00:26:43,440 with so many countries, 649 00:26:43,520 --> 00:26:47,240 and now you have the gall to complain about too much diversity in England. 650 00:26:47,320 --> 00:26:48,880 [scattered laughter] 651 00:26:48,960 --> 00:26:52,200 [Vir] At this point, we don't even want reparations anymore. Do we, Indian people? 652 00:26:52,720 --> 00:26:55,280 At this point, I don't want your monarch to return the Kohinoor. 653 00:26:55,360 --> 00:26:56,720 I want him to swallow it. 654 00:26:56,800 --> 00:26:59,520 [audience applauding and cheering] 655 00:27:02,960 --> 00:27:04,960 [cheering continues] 656 00:27:07,040 --> 00:27:09,040 [Vir] Let's see if God really can save the King. 657 00:27:09,120 --> 00:27:11,080 [audience chuckling] 658 00:27:11,160 --> 00:27:14,000 Let's have an honest conversation right now. Do you wanna try? 659 00:27:14,080 --> 00:27:15,840 [scattered] Yes! 660 00:27:15,920 --> 00:27:18,400 If we are being honest with each other, you know 661 00:27:18,480 --> 00:27:22,040 that since 2019, we've all felt monitored and monetised. 662 00:27:22,120 --> 00:27:25,640 That we are fed this story of good vs evil, 663 00:27:25,720 --> 00:27:29,440 but with every passing year it just makes less and less sense 664 00:27:29,520 --> 00:27:31,680 that we are worshiping false heroes 665 00:27:31,760 --> 00:27:33,440 and celebrating a lack of intelligence 666 00:27:33,520 --> 00:27:35,960 because of a morally bankrupt middle class 667 00:27:36,040 --> 00:27:38,480 that is obsessed with consumption and a cult of power. 668 00:27:38,560 --> 00:27:40,560 [audience cheering and applauding] 669 00:27:42,800 --> 00:27:47,000 [Vir] Every single Indian person here 670 00:27:47,080 --> 00:27:50,200 knows that since 2019, 671 00:27:50,800 --> 00:27:55,480 there has not been a single good Marvel movie and you know it, all right? 672 00:27:55,560 --> 00:27:58,640 -These are bullshit heroes… -[audience cheering loudly] 673 00:27:58,720 --> 00:28:00,760 [Vir] …these are false stories. 674 00:28:02,040 --> 00:28:04,000 Wait, what did you guys think I was talking about? 675 00:28:04,080 --> 00:28:06,280 [audience laughing] 676 00:28:06,360 --> 00:28:08,360 Guys, that's just a joke about the MCU. 677 00:28:10,200 --> 00:28:12,720 Speaking of which, right now, nobody can see you. 678 00:28:12,800 --> 00:28:14,320 [scattered laughter] 679 00:28:14,400 --> 00:28:15,920 Nobody. You're safe. 680 00:28:16,000 --> 00:28:17,880 Not the people above you, who ignore you. 681 00:28:17,960 --> 00:28:20,080 Not the people below you, who you ignore. 682 00:28:20,160 --> 00:28:21,640 [audience chuckling] 683 00:28:22,160 --> 00:28:24,200 [Vir] But they can hear you. 684 00:28:24,280 --> 00:28:27,440 Just make the noise you want to be remembered for. 685 00:28:29,040 --> 00:28:31,280 [subdued laughter] 686 00:28:31,360 --> 00:28:34,400 [audience cheering and applauding loudly] 687 00:28:38,240 --> 00:28:40,240 [cheering and applauding continues] 688 00:28:42,400 --> 00:28:44,600 -[man 4 chants "Ganapati Bappa"] -[laughs] 689 00:28:44,680 --> 00:28:45,880 [audience laughs] 690 00:28:45,960 --> 00:28:48,160 [Vir] As an outsider, humbly, I just wanna say, 691 00:28:48,240 --> 00:28:50,800 "I think your empire is ending." 692 00:28:50,880 --> 00:28:53,520 [scattered laughter] 693 00:28:53,600 --> 00:28:54,800 [Vir] It feels that way. 694 00:28:55,440 --> 00:28:58,240 On the outside, you're kind of like the hot girl from high school, 695 00:28:58,320 --> 00:28:59,680 who's back at the reunion… 696 00:28:59,760 --> 00:29:01,440 [scattered laughter] 697 00:29:01,520 --> 00:29:04,120 …and now she's mad that everybody else is hot too. 698 00:29:04,200 --> 00:29:05,840 [audience laughing] 699 00:29:05,920 --> 00:29:07,800 [Vir] And China is the principal and… 700 00:29:07,880 --> 00:29:10,160 [audience whooping and cheering] 701 00:29:10,240 --> 00:29:11,520 And I think I know, like, 702 00:29:11,600 --> 00:29:14,040 it's because all the smart people in your country 703 00:29:14,120 --> 00:29:16,960 behave like such corrupt assholes, you stop listening to them. 704 00:29:17,040 --> 00:29:20,280 You started listening to stupid people, who were slightly smarter than you are, 705 00:29:20,360 --> 00:29:22,920 and convinced yourself that those were the smart people. 706 00:29:23,440 --> 00:29:27,600 And now the entire world kind of looks at you the way you looked at Joe Biden. 707 00:29:27,680 --> 00:29:30,360 [audience laughing and whooping] 708 00:29:34,160 --> 00:29:36,080 [Vir] It's kind of like, [drawn-out] "Ooh!" 709 00:29:36,160 --> 00:29:37,960 [audience laughing] 710 00:29:38,040 --> 00:29:39,880 [Vir] "He doesn't know where he is anymore." 711 00:29:39,960 --> 00:29:41,960 [audience laughing] 712 00:29:42,800 --> 00:29:45,680 [Vir] Let's just stay in this darkness for a second. [chuckles] 713 00:29:45,760 --> 00:29:46,720 [audience laughing] 714 00:29:46,800 --> 00:29:50,200 -[Vir] In case someone has a gun. -[audience laughing loudly] 715 00:29:52,960 --> 00:29:54,600 [Vir] All right, on the lights! 716 00:29:54,680 --> 00:29:57,760 [audience cheering and applauding loudly] 717 00:30:01,200 --> 00:30:03,080 I don't think America will ever get rid of guns. 718 00:30:03,160 --> 00:30:04,280 Guns are your cricket. 719 00:30:04,360 --> 00:30:05,920 [audience chuckling] 720 00:30:06,000 --> 00:30:07,760 And I firmly believe that every American 721 00:30:07,840 --> 00:30:10,880 should be allowed to buy a gun at any age without an ID. 722 00:30:10,960 --> 00:30:12,280 -[scattered laughter] -Hang on. 723 00:30:12,360 --> 00:30:14,360 But I think you need to change your gun technology. 724 00:30:14,440 --> 00:30:16,640 I think you need to voice activate your guns. 725 00:30:17,320 --> 00:30:20,040 Every time you wanna fire a bullet, the gun will not fire 726 00:30:20,120 --> 00:30:24,320 until you say something completely and perfectly into the gun in your voice. 727 00:30:24,400 --> 00:30:27,920 And I think what you have to say is the entire 2nd Amendment. 728 00:30:28,000 --> 00:30:29,680 [audience chuckling] 729 00:30:29,760 --> 00:30:32,120 So, it will change gun violence forever, man. 730 00:30:32,880 --> 00:30:35,080 Americans will be like, "I'm a fucking kill you 731 00:30:35,160 --> 00:30:37,240 after I study for two weeks." 732 00:30:37,320 --> 00:30:39,320 [audience laughing] 733 00:30:40,960 --> 00:30:42,480 Two weeks later, he's like, 734 00:30:42,560 --> 00:30:45,120 "In the United States of America…" 735 00:30:45,200 --> 00:30:48,320 [splutters] "…a well-trained militia for the security of the state, 736 00:30:48,400 --> 00:30:50,880 the right to bear arms shall never be infringed." 737 00:30:50,960 --> 00:30:53,520 Think about how many people can run away in that much time. 738 00:30:53,600 --> 00:30:55,560 [audience chuckling] 739 00:30:55,640 --> 00:30:57,520 If you make Apple handle your guns, 740 00:30:57,600 --> 00:31:00,000 you will solve foreign terrorism forever. 741 00:31:00,640 --> 00:31:01,920 With Siri? 742 00:31:02,000 --> 00:31:03,400 [audience laughing] 743 00:31:03,480 --> 00:31:05,640 If I show up with my accent… [in Indian accent] "Siri!" 744 00:31:05,720 --> 00:31:07,080 [audience laughing] 745 00:31:07,160 --> 00:31:08,720 "…a well-trained militia for the security of the state, 746 00:31:08,800 --> 00:31:10,800 right to buy arms shall never be infringed." 747 00:31:11,520 --> 00:31:13,840 [in American accent] "There are five Starbucks in your area." 748 00:31:13,920 --> 00:31:15,920 [audience laughing and applauding] 749 00:31:16,000 --> 00:31:18,000 [audience whooping] 750 00:31:21,280 --> 00:31:24,000 -Oat milk cappuccino! [chuckles] -[audience laughing] 751 00:31:24,080 --> 00:31:25,400 [in American accent] "Shoot all Filipinos?" 752 00:31:25,480 --> 00:31:26,800 [in Indian accent] "No! Hey!" 753 00:31:26,880 --> 00:31:28,880 [audience laughing] 754 00:31:30,720 --> 00:31:31,720 [Vir chuckles] 755 00:31:33,840 --> 00:31:36,200 Guys, it's a tourist visa. I'm not afraid of you. 756 00:31:36,280 --> 00:31:37,880 -Do you understand? -[audience chuckling] 757 00:31:37,960 --> 00:31:40,480 [audience applauding and cheering] 758 00:31:42,600 --> 00:31:44,320 [inhales deeply] I'm in therapy. 759 00:31:44,400 --> 00:31:47,280 My therapist is this woman who holds a cup of chamomile tea 760 00:31:47,360 --> 00:31:50,200 two centimetres away from her face the entire session 761 00:31:50,280 --> 00:31:51,800 and never fucking sips it. 762 00:31:51,880 --> 00:31:53,080 [audience laughing] 763 00:31:53,160 --> 00:31:56,160 And her taking a sip is now the only hope I have in therapy. 764 00:31:56,240 --> 00:31:58,360 [audience laughing] 765 00:31:58,440 --> 00:31:59,960 Fucking Jedi! [chuckles] 766 00:32:00,600 --> 00:32:01,880 The other day, she's like, "Mr. Das, 767 00:32:01,960 --> 00:32:04,440 a lot of comedians have cruelty in their childhood. 768 00:32:04,520 --> 00:32:07,840 So their definition of love becomes withholding." 769 00:32:07,920 --> 00:32:11,520 And I was like, "Did you know that a lion only fucks for 30 seconds?" 770 00:32:12,280 --> 00:32:15,160 And she's like, "I didn't know." And I was like, "Good! 'Cause that means 771 00:32:15,240 --> 00:32:18,160 one of us is bringing new information into this conversation." 772 00:32:18,240 --> 00:32:20,240 [audience laughing] 773 00:32:21,720 --> 00:32:24,520 "Mr. Das, I'm just trying to see if you have any childhood trauma." 774 00:32:24,600 --> 00:32:27,080 I'm like, "Bitch! I grew up in India and Africa. 775 00:32:27,160 --> 00:32:30,280 -My trauma has childhood." -[audience laughing] 776 00:32:32,240 --> 00:32:33,520 These are my childhood traumas. 777 00:32:33,600 --> 00:32:36,680 When I was 12 years old, a bully kicked me in my teeth so hard 778 00:32:36,760 --> 00:32:38,280 I swallowed my own tooth, 779 00:32:39,320 --> 00:32:42,760 and I was hospitalized and made to hydrate so I would poop out my own tooth, 780 00:32:42,840 --> 00:32:43,800 and I never did. 781 00:32:44,520 --> 00:32:46,280 And I'm afraid it's still in there. 782 00:32:46,920 --> 00:32:48,440 And one day, I would get an x-ray, 783 00:32:48,520 --> 00:32:52,000 and in the stomach of an adult male, they will find a 12-year-old boy's tooth. 784 00:32:52,080 --> 00:32:54,080 [audience laughing] 785 00:32:54,960 --> 00:32:56,320 And they'll be like, "Mr. Das, 786 00:32:56,400 --> 00:32:58,400 what did you have for breakfast this morning?" 787 00:32:58,920 --> 00:33:00,280 I'll be like, "No, it's childhood trauma." 788 00:33:00,360 --> 00:33:02,600 and they'll be like, "Yeah, for the child you fuckin' ate." 789 00:33:03,600 --> 00:33:06,160 Listen, my parents knew about mental health problems, 790 00:33:06,240 --> 00:33:08,800 but they gave me Indian solutions. [chuckles] 791 00:33:09,320 --> 00:33:11,800 I'll be like, "Papa, I have crippling anxiety." 792 00:33:11,880 --> 00:33:15,400 '"Huh huh, you do jumping jacks." -[audience laughing] 793 00:33:17,040 --> 00:33:18,880 "Anxiety will jump out of your body. 794 00:33:20,040 --> 00:33:22,040 Then you take turmeric for acid reflux." 795 00:33:22,120 --> 00:33:23,520 [audience chuckling] 796 00:33:23,600 --> 00:33:26,680 Before the stadium show, I tried something called myofascial release. 797 00:33:26,760 --> 00:33:27,640 Has anybody tried it? 798 00:33:27,720 --> 00:33:28,880 [scattered] Yeah! Yes! 799 00:33:28,960 --> 00:33:30,160 Let me tell you about this. 800 00:33:30,240 --> 00:33:31,640 I was in Copenhagen, 801 00:33:32,160 --> 00:33:36,040 and this muscular 6′ 4″, beautiful German man 802 00:33:36,120 --> 00:33:38,800 with blonde hair and blue eyes walked into my hotel room. 803 00:33:38,880 --> 00:33:41,120 I was like, "If there's more of you, you deserve a Ryke." 804 00:33:41,200 --> 00:33:43,080 [audience chuckling] 805 00:33:44,880 --> 00:33:46,240 And then he took his elbow, 806 00:33:46,320 --> 00:33:49,240 which was the only non-muscular part of his body, 807 00:33:49,320 --> 00:33:52,200 and shoved into my buttock and started to move it around. 808 00:33:52,720 --> 00:33:54,720 And he started to stroke my hair. 809 00:33:54,800 --> 00:33:57,840 And he was like, [accented] "You have a sadness deep inside you." 810 00:33:58,760 --> 00:34:01,680 [in normal voice] And I was like, "No, I have a German deep inside me." 811 00:34:01,760 --> 00:34:03,760 [audience laughing hysterically] 812 00:34:04,960 --> 00:34:07,960 And he was like, "Your throat chakra is fully blocked." 813 00:34:08,040 --> 00:34:12,240 And I'm like, "That's 'cause you've shoved my small intestine upwards inside it." 814 00:34:12,320 --> 00:34:13,640 [audience laughing] 815 00:34:13,720 --> 00:34:15,640 And he's like, "You must let go." 816 00:34:15,720 --> 00:34:18,040 [whimpers] And I was like, "I feel the same about you." 817 00:34:18,120 --> 00:34:19,080 [audience laughing] 818 00:34:19,160 --> 00:34:21,760 And he was like, "Release! Surrender." 819 00:34:21,840 --> 00:34:25,600 And I surrendered to these beautiful, strong German arms. 820 00:34:25,680 --> 00:34:27,200 I felt like France. 821 00:34:27,280 --> 00:34:29,280 [audience cheering] 822 00:34:31,160 --> 00:34:32,560 And then, New York… [chuckles] 823 00:34:33,680 --> 00:34:36,320 I had this beautiful emotional release. 824 00:34:36,400 --> 00:34:38,640 It was just shattering. I… 825 00:34:38,720 --> 00:34:41,080 I didn't cry. I farted for 42 seconds. 826 00:34:41,160 --> 00:34:43,000 [audience chuckling] 827 00:34:43,080 --> 00:34:46,520 -And then his throat chakra was blocked. -[audience chuckling] 828 00:34:47,400 --> 00:34:49,760 There's just coriander everywhere in the room. 829 00:34:49,840 --> 00:34:52,920 -[chuckles] I was mortified, right? -[audience chuckles] 830 00:34:54,120 --> 00:34:58,080 So I did the one thing every Indian does when we're embarrassed abroad, right? 831 00:34:58,720 --> 00:35:01,920 -I was like, "Sir, I'm from Pakistan." -[audience chuckling and cheering] 832 00:35:02,000 --> 00:35:04,000 [audience applauding] 833 00:35:05,520 --> 00:35:08,200 -[loudly] It's fine! -[audience laughing and cheering] 834 00:35:09,280 --> 00:35:11,320 Can I tell you why I went to therapy? 835 00:35:11,400 --> 00:35:14,160 -[scattered] Yeah. -So I left and I did 186 shows abroad. 836 00:35:14,240 --> 00:35:15,360 Burnt myself out. 837 00:35:15,440 --> 00:35:17,320 My final show was in Singapore. 838 00:35:17,400 --> 00:35:18,880 I was flying home, first class. 839 00:35:18,960 --> 00:35:21,240 -And… -[audience laughing] 840 00:35:21,320 --> 00:35:23,160 I woke up, the pursur was there and I was like, 841 00:35:23,240 --> 00:35:25,560 "How long till we land in Mumbai?" 842 00:35:26,200 --> 00:35:29,360 And he was like, "Oh, Mr. Das, this flight is to London. 843 00:35:29,440 --> 00:35:31,440 It's 10 hours to LHR." 844 00:35:33,240 --> 00:35:34,360 Fuck you! 845 00:35:35,840 --> 00:35:38,520 "Not London, Mumbai." [loudly] "We are flying to Mumbai!" 846 00:35:38,600 --> 00:35:40,360 He's like, "Mr. Das, calm down right now." 847 00:35:40,440 --> 00:35:42,320 Because you know, when a brown man with a beard 848 00:35:42,400 --> 00:35:44,680 starts yelling a new destination for the plane… 849 00:35:44,760 --> 00:35:48,120 [audience laughing and applauding] 850 00:35:48,720 --> 00:35:50,880 [Vir] He was like, "Situation! Situation!" 851 00:35:52,800 --> 00:35:53,640 [chuckles] 852 00:35:54,640 --> 00:35:58,000 I had put a show on sale in London last minute. It had sold out. 853 00:35:58,560 --> 00:36:00,560 Right? I had bought a ticket, boarded a flight. 854 00:36:00,640 --> 00:36:03,200 Seventy-two hours of my life blacked out. 855 00:36:03,800 --> 00:36:05,080 Just gone. 856 00:36:06,040 --> 00:36:08,840 And then I got disoriented, and I started to cry 857 00:36:08,920 --> 00:36:10,160 in first class. 858 00:36:10,240 --> 00:36:11,720 [audience chuckling] 859 00:36:11,800 --> 00:36:12,840 It's tragic, guys. 860 00:36:14,080 --> 00:36:16,480 I cried and I drank Dom Pérignon champagne, 861 00:36:16,560 --> 00:36:17,640 and then… 862 00:36:18,800 --> 00:36:21,720 Then I whimpered and I put caviar on melba toast. [chomps noisily] 863 00:36:21,800 --> 00:36:23,160 [audience laughing] 864 00:36:23,240 --> 00:36:27,000 I cried all the way to England, wishing I was India. 865 00:36:27,080 --> 00:36:28,800 I felt like Lady Mountbatten. 866 00:36:28,880 --> 00:36:30,880 [audience laughing] 867 00:36:32,440 --> 00:36:34,040 A lot of you did not get that joke. 868 00:36:34,120 --> 00:36:35,840 [audience chuckling] 869 00:36:35,920 --> 00:36:37,720 Shall I explain? I'll explain, all right. 870 00:36:37,800 --> 00:36:40,920 -So guys, caviar is fish eggs. Uh… -[audience laughing loudly] 871 00:36:41,000 --> 00:36:42,080 [audience applauding] 872 00:36:42,160 --> 00:36:44,880 -Study your own history, behenchod! -[audience chuckling] 873 00:36:44,960 --> 00:36:46,960 All right. Sorry, white people… 874 00:36:47,040 --> 00:36:48,360 -Uh… -[audience laughing] 875 00:36:49,280 --> 00:36:52,000 -Behenchod, uh… -[audience laughing] 876 00:36:52,080 --> 00:36:56,160 When you're happy, behenchod is kind of what the N-word is amongst black people. 877 00:36:56,880 --> 00:36:58,880 Right? Fair? Say, "What up, behenchod?" 878 00:36:59,800 --> 00:37:01,720 "Hey! He's my behenchod, right?" 879 00:37:02,520 --> 00:37:06,440 But when you're unhappy, behenchod is like the N-word amongst white people. 880 00:37:06,520 --> 00:37:08,520 [audience laughing] 881 00:37:09,040 --> 00:37:11,200 -Look at that, behenchod. Uh… -[audience laughing] 882 00:37:11,280 --> 00:37:14,440 And I went to my therapist, and I'm like, "I'm blocking out entire days." 883 00:37:14,520 --> 00:37:15,960 [splutters] "Am I crazy?" 884 00:37:16,040 --> 00:37:19,200 And she's like, "Mr. Das, it's 2024. We don't use that word anymore." 885 00:37:19,280 --> 00:37:22,080 I'm like, "I don't use dental floss. That doesn't mean it doesn't exist." 886 00:37:22,160 --> 00:37:23,680 [audience laughing] 887 00:37:23,760 --> 00:37:27,440 She's like, "Mr. Das, you have a problem sitting quietly with your emotions. 888 00:37:27,520 --> 00:37:30,280 Have you ever been quiet and happy at the same time? 889 00:37:30,360 --> 00:37:32,800 Why don't you tell me a story?" [chuckles] 890 00:37:33,360 --> 00:37:36,080 I'm like, "I cannot believe I'm paying for storytelling." 891 00:37:36,160 --> 00:37:37,160 [audience laughing] 892 00:37:37,240 --> 00:37:41,040 And then I paid her the money to tell her the story I just charged you for. 893 00:37:41,120 --> 00:37:42,840 [audience laughing] 894 00:37:42,920 --> 00:37:44,400 This fuck all business model. 895 00:37:45,000 --> 00:37:46,680 Two weeks before the stadium show I broke. 896 00:37:46,760 --> 00:37:47,760 [muttering indistinctly] 897 00:37:47,840 --> 00:37:48,840 You just cry. 898 00:37:49,560 --> 00:37:51,920 And the thought that breaks you is… 899 00:37:52,520 --> 00:37:53,680 I'm a storyteller. 900 00:37:54,800 --> 00:37:56,160 What if I don't get to… 901 00:37:57,600 --> 00:37:59,280 Or what if I do and it's not as… 902 00:38:00,200 --> 00:38:02,200 You just cry silently. 903 00:38:02,760 --> 00:38:05,720 Which looks pathetic on a man. It looks like an orgasm on mute. 904 00:38:05,800 --> 00:38:06,920 [audience chuckles] 905 00:38:07,880 --> 00:38:09,880 [audience laughing loudly] 906 00:38:10,640 --> 00:38:12,960 It's the noise that lets you know which one it is, guys. 907 00:38:13,040 --> 00:38:15,040 [scattered laughter] 908 00:38:17,240 --> 00:38:20,000 I was like, "I know you can't hear me, but can you see me?" 909 00:38:20,080 --> 00:38:21,800 When I was 24 years old, 910 00:38:21,880 --> 00:38:24,320 I was an illegal immigrant in Chicago. 911 00:38:24,400 --> 00:38:25,640 I'd overstayed my visa. 912 00:38:25,720 --> 00:38:27,880 I worked in a kitchen with Mexican cooks. 913 00:38:27,960 --> 00:38:29,000 Brutal people! 914 00:38:29,600 --> 00:38:31,560 They called me, "Los plastos Kollega." 915 00:38:32,680 --> 00:38:34,680 Sometimes, I'd sleep on the train. 916 00:38:34,760 --> 00:38:37,400 My working hours were 8 a.m. to 3 a.m. and you'd freeze. 917 00:38:37,480 --> 00:38:39,440 And this guy called Sirquet taught me this trick. 918 00:38:39,520 --> 00:38:41,040 He's like, "Hey, Kollega, come here!" 919 00:38:41,600 --> 00:38:45,200 [speaks Mexican] 920 00:38:45,280 --> 00:38:48,360 [in English] If your nipples are warm, your body will be warm. 921 00:38:48,880 --> 00:38:51,960 Then he put hot soup from the restaurant into ziplock bags, 922 00:38:52,040 --> 00:38:54,640 put every ziplock bag into a black garbage bag, 923 00:38:54,720 --> 00:38:56,280 tied them together behind my neck 924 00:38:56,360 --> 00:38:58,280 so that the soup hung over here. 925 00:38:58,360 --> 00:39:01,960 I wore a jacket and I was insulated and warm all night long. 926 00:39:02,560 --> 00:39:04,720 Everybody left me alone on the train 927 00:39:04,800 --> 00:39:07,360 because I was a brown man with gigantic tits. 928 00:39:07,440 --> 00:39:09,800 [audience laughing] 929 00:39:10,960 --> 00:39:14,320 And you know, this was a couple of years before the trans conversation. [chuckles] 930 00:39:14,840 --> 00:39:16,240 But a couple of years after 9/11. 931 00:39:16,320 --> 00:39:18,880 So, you know, even the Mexicans were like, 932 00:39:18,960 --> 00:39:21,320 "Maybe kollega…" [drawn-out] "…terrorista." 933 00:39:22,000 --> 00:39:24,840 "Maybe… " [speaks Mexican] 934 00:39:24,920 --> 00:39:26,920 [audience chuckles] 935 00:39:27,000 --> 00:39:28,400 [n English] "Really massive, tasty black tits." 936 00:39:28,480 --> 00:39:30,120 -And… -[audience laughing] 937 00:39:30,200 --> 00:39:32,040 Some nights you wake up on the train, man. 938 00:39:32,120 --> 00:39:34,400 It's fucking beautiful. It is. 939 00:39:34,480 --> 00:39:35,440 You know. 940 00:39:35,520 --> 00:39:37,520 You've got Coldplay in your ears, 941 00:39:38,120 --> 00:39:39,680 warm soup on your nipples. 942 00:39:39,760 --> 00:39:41,440 [subdued laughter] 943 00:39:41,520 --> 00:39:42,840 Your head's on the window. 944 00:39:43,760 --> 00:39:45,120 You come out of a tunnel… 945 00:39:46,440 --> 00:39:48,720 you feel sunlight on your cheeks, they get warm. 946 00:39:50,640 --> 00:39:54,280 Your eyes go into this non-religious shade of orange… 947 00:39:54,360 --> 00:39:57,480 [audience laughing and applauding] 948 00:40:03,880 --> 00:40:05,880 …and there's golden light on your face. 949 00:40:06,920 --> 00:40:08,040 You feel seen. 950 00:40:09,720 --> 00:40:11,640 And you can't move because there's a… 951 00:40:12,400 --> 00:40:15,280 massive homeless man sleeping on top of you. 952 00:40:15,360 --> 00:40:17,360 [audience laughing] 953 00:40:18,720 --> 00:40:21,000 Now, Indian women, some of you know this… 954 00:40:21,080 --> 00:40:23,920 [audience laughing] 955 00:40:24,720 --> 00:40:27,560 [breathlessly] …having been compressed under a heavyset man. 956 00:40:28,200 --> 00:40:30,920 Don't look at him, eyes front, eyes front. Look at me right now. 957 00:40:31,640 --> 00:40:34,240 The only thing that will move that man is food, right? 958 00:40:34,320 --> 00:40:36,080 So, I put this man in the window seat. 959 00:40:36,160 --> 00:40:37,280 His name was Eugène. 960 00:40:37,360 --> 00:40:40,080 I fucking put him under the sun, and I pulled out soup. 961 00:40:40,160 --> 00:40:41,920 -[audience laughing] -He laughed his ass off. 962 00:40:42,000 --> 00:40:44,320 He was like, "Hey man, what else you got in them titties?" 963 00:40:44,400 --> 00:40:47,640 -[audience laughing] -[Vir chuckles] 964 00:40:47,720 --> 00:40:50,240 -And I was like, "More soup." -[audience laughing] 965 00:40:50,320 --> 00:40:51,840 And then his friends surrounded me. 966 00:40:51,920 --> 00:40:53,920 Like five black guys. I gave them all soup. 967 00:40:54,000 --> 00:40:57,240 And they all called me "a little soup titty N-word" for five hours. 968 00:40:57,960 --> 00:40:59,800 "Hey, man, look at this soup titty N-word." 969 00:40:59,880 --> 00:41:03,320 I have had Shah Rukh Khan tell me he was proud of me. 970 00:41:03,400 --> 00:41:05,560 I've had a woman call me the love of her life. 971 00:41:05,640 --> 00:41:09,120 Nothing comes close to five black guys calling you the N-word. 972 00:41:09,200 --> 00:41:10,560 [audience laughing and whooping] 973 00:41:10,640 --> 00:41:13,800 It's also the most maternal I've ever felt in my life. 974 00:41:14,680 --> 00:41:16,920 You know, to pull your tit out and nourish somebody. 975 00:41:17,000 --> 00:41:18,720 [audience laughing] 976 00:41:18,800 --> 00:41:21,720 -Ladies, I get why you do it. [chuckles] -[scattered laughter] 977 00:41:21,800 --> 00:41:23,600 And I told this story to my therapist, 978 00:41:23,680 --> 00:41:27,200 and my therapist was like, "Mr. Das, that was not a quiet story at all, 979 00:41:27,720 --> 00:41:29,440 and they're happier than you are," and I'm like, "Madam, 980 00:41:29,520 --> 00:41:31,840 you don't understand what I fucking do, do you?" 981 00:41:32,520 --> 00:41:36,920 Look, happiness watched is greater than happiness lived, alright? 982 00:41:37,000 --> 00:41:39,280 Do you know what every crowd has in common? 983 00:41:39,360 --> 00:41:41,560 They look different. They sound the same. 984 00:41:42,920 --> 00:41:45,280 Because happiness is a universal noise. 985 00:41:45,360 --> 00:41:47,400 A human being is just a noise. 986 00:41:47,480 --> 00:41:49,320 We die when we're silent. 987 00:41:49,400 --> 00:41:51,920 If I could take every audience member and put them in a suitcase, 988 00:41:52,000 --> 00:41:54,480 and put them up on stage with me and take them around the world, 989 00:41:54,560 --> 00:41:56,280 so that they see it like I see it, 990 00:41:56,360 --> 00:41:59,960 and feel it like I feel it, you would understand why people like stand-up. 991 00:42:00,040 --> 00:42:04,120 Nobody is watching the comedian. They're listening to the audience, 992 00:42:04,200 --> 00:42:05,640 to happiness leave their body. 993 00:42:05,720 --> 00:42:07,840 Because happiness, when yelled, 994 00:42:07,920 --> 00:42:12,360 Joy, when not protected, but joy projected is hope. 995 00:42:12,440 --> 00:42:13,760 It is strength. 996 00:42:13,840 --> 00:42:15,840 People with power understand that. 997 00:42:15,920 --> 00:42:19,800 The scariest thing to them is not the words that come out of my mouth, 998 00:42:19,880 --> 00:42:21,880 it is the noise that comes out of theirs. 999 00:42:22,400 --> 00:42:25,640 Comedians just say words, the audience tells the truth. 1000 00:42:26,760 --> 00:42:28,480 And this is what I don't understand. 1001 00:42:29,080 --> 00:42:32,440 Why is no one arresting the audience? 1002 00:42:32,520 --> 00:42:34,760 [audience laughing and applauding] 1003 00:42:36,080 --> 00:42:37,240 [audience cheering] 1004 00:42:40,840 --> 00:42:41,920 They are the problem. 1005 00:42:43,560 --> 00:42:45,200 Look at them. They're so stupid. 1006 00:42:45,280 --> 00:42:46,280 [audience chuckles] 1007 00:42:46,360 --> 00:42:49,080 So easily motivated by some eloquent flattery. [chuckles] 1008 00:42:49,160 --> 00:42:50,600 And my therapist was like, "Mr. Das, 1009 00:42:50,680 --> 00:42:53,160 you have an aggressive dis-associative disorder. 1010 00:42:54,080 --> 00:42:55,960 that is motivated by extreme PTSD." 1011 00:42:56,040 --> 00:42:58,600 And I was like, "You have passive-aggressive tongue twisters 1012 00:42:58,680 --> 00:43:00,680 that are motivated by chamomile tea." 1013 00:43:00,760 --> 00:43:02,720 [audience laughing] 1014 00:43:03,760 --> 00:43:06,160 She's like, "Mr. Das, your anxiety is out of control. 1015 00:43:06,240 --> 00:43:07,800 I need to put you on medication. 1016 00:43:07,880 --> 00:43:09,560 What're your thoughts on beta-blockers?" 1017 00:43:09,640 --> 00:43:12,200 And I was like, "I believe in a woman's right to choose." 1018 00:43:12,280 --> 00:43:14,640 [audience laughing] 1019 00:43:14,720 --> 00:43:16,960 That joke gets better if you think about it in Hindi. 1020 00:43:17,040 --> 00:43:18,080 [audience laughing] 1021 00:43:18,160 --> 00:43:20,760 "Also, I have an addictive personality. I'm not gonna take pills." 1022 00:43:20,840 --> 00:43:23,800 She's like, "All right. Then you need to work out seven days a week. 1023 00:43:23,880 --> 00:43:26,560 The endorphins will carry you through your depression." 1024 00:43:27,120 --> 00:43:30,560 -"So I should do jumping jacks." -[audience laughing] 1025 00:43:32,880 --> 00:43:34,880 [audience cheering and applauding] 1026 00:43:37,600 --> 00:43:41,320 She's like, "No, also take turmeric for acid reflux." [chuckles] 1027 00:43:41,400 --> 00:43:42,920 [audience laughing] 1028 00:43:43,000 --> 00:43:44,480 Ladies and gentlemen… 1029 00:43:47,960 --> 00:43:49,080 We're on a train. 1030 00:43:49,840 --> 00:43:52,040 That's all this life is. It's a train in a fucking circle. 1031 00:43:52,120 --> 00:43:55,280 And one step on that train, one stop is unhappiness 1032 00:43:55,360 --> 00:43:58,520 and utter despair and sorrow and an ass whooping. 1033 00:43:58,600 --> 00:44:01,160 Whether you're quiet or whether you're happy, 1034 00:44:01,240 --> 00:44:04,080 or whether you're careful or whether you're reckless, 1035 00:44:04,160 --> 00:44:07,720 the train will stop at that station once in your life, I promise you. 1036 00:44:07,800 --> 00:44:09,760 Stick your tits out and share your soup, all right? 1037 00:44:09,840 --> 00:44:11,320 That's all I'm gonna say. 1038 00:44:12,000 --> 00:44:13,800 You could play every card in the book right 1039 00:44:13,880 --> 00:44:16,680 and one day, for no reason, your voice will just [snaps fingers] 1040 00:44:16,760 --> 00:44:17,840 go the fuck away. 1041 00:44:18,680 --> 00:44:20,960 And then, one day, for no reason, it will… [snaps fingers] 1042 00:44:21,040 --> 00:44:25,120 Ten days before my stadium show, something freed. 1043 00:44:27,040 --> 00:44:28,400 I don't know why this happened. 1044 00:44:28,480 --> 00:44:30,400 [splutters] But… [sighs] 1045 00:44:30,480 --> 00:44:32,200 Do you know what I think freedom is? 1046 00:44:32,760 --> 00:44:36,160 When you're not constantly thinking about whether you can speak, 1047 00:44:36,680 --> 00:44:37,720 you can speak. 1048 00:44:38,840 --> 00:44:42,080 Like, my voice came back not for doctors, or for healers. 1049 00:44:42,160 --> 00:44:44,120 It came back for a food delivery guy. 1050 00:44:44,200 --> 00:44:46,320 [scattered laughter] 1051 00:44:46,400 --> 00:44:47,880 [audience chuckles] 1052 00:44:47,960 --> 00:44:49,360 He handed me a package of food, 1053 00:44:49,440 --> 00:44:53,160 and instinctively, without thinking, I was like, "Thank you, bhaisaab." 1054 00:44:53,240 --> 00:44:55,080 [audience laughing] 1055 00:44:55,160 --> 00:44:56,200 It just came out. 1056 00:44:56,880 --> 00:44:59,880 And I… I just fucking… I held him, and I… I wept. 1057 00:44:59,960 --> 00:45:02,880 For 20 minutes straight, I just wept in his arms. 1058 00:45:02,960 --> 00:45:05,760 And he was like, "You're very passionate about kung pao chicken." 1059 00:45:05,840 --> 00:45:07,840 [audience laughing] 1060 00:45:10,280 --> 00:45:13,720 And I was like, "Your back is very tight. You have a sadness deep inside." 1061 00:45:13,800 --> 00:45:15,800 [audience laughing] 1062 00:45:17,760 --> 00:45:20,160 Don't think about what you say, and it will get you into trouble. 1063 00:45:20,240 --> 00:45:22,640 And when you're in trouble, do not think about what you say, 1064 00:45:22,720 --> 00:45:24,160 and it will get you out of trouble. 1065 00:45:24,240 --> 00:45:26,560 Here are three quick stories to end my show that prove that. 1066 00:45:26,640 --> 00:45:27,480 Are you ready? 1067 00:45:27,560 --> 00:45:28,400 [indistinct chatter] 1068 00:45:28,480 --> 00:45:31,040 Number one. I was 18 years old in the city of New Delhi 1069 00:45:31,120 --> 00:45:32,480 on the back of a motorcycle. 1070 00:45:32,560 --> 00:45:36,080 My friend Shusheel is driving us home from a Delhi party at a farmhouse 1071 00:45:36,160 --> 00:45:38,120 where we have both dropped acid. 1072 00:45:38,200 --> 00:45:40,920 If you've ever driven in Delhi at night, you know this, 1073 00:45:41,000 --> 00:45:42,480 you do not need the acid. 1074 00:45:42,560 --> 00:45:44,760 [audience laughing] 1075 00:45:44,840 --> 00:45:47,120 There are preexisting illusions like safety. 1076 00:45:47,200 --> 00:45:49,080 [audience laughing] 1077 00:45:49,160 --> 00:45:50,600 We get up to a red light. 1078 00:45:50,680 --> 00:45:53,400 While we're getting up to the red light, a cat crosses the road. 1079 00:45:53,480 --> 00:45:55,000 It fucks with my brain. 1080 00:45:55,080 --> 00:45:56,240 All of a sudden, at the red light, 1081 00:45:56,320 --> 00:46:00,280 I see standing a 20-foot-tall pussycat with one eye. 1082 00:46:00,360 --> 00:46:02,960 And there was light shooting out of the cat's eye. 1083 00:46:03,040 --> 00:46:06,440 And the cat was morphing and dancing and changing 1084 00:46:06,520 --> 00:46:10,320 and as we got closer, the cat morphed into a Delhi policeman… 1085 00:46:10,400 --> 00:46:12,960 [audience laughing] 1086 00:46:13,040 --> 00:46:14,360 …with a torch in his hand. 1087 00:46:14,880 --> 00:46:17,800 The Delhi police will shine a torch in your eyes, we know this. 1088 00:46:17,880 --> 00:46:20,160 They're like, "On the off chance you haven't had an accident yet…" 1089 00:46:20,240 --> 00:46:23,200 -[mimics taunting laughter] -[audience laughing] 1090 00:46:25,360 --> 00:46:28,320 We get up to this policeman, who is 6'4", a sardar, 1091 00:46:28,400 --> 00:46:30,880 and I swear to God, his name was Hunta Singh. 1092 00:46:30,960 --> 00:46:32,400 [audience laughing] 1093 00:46:32,480 --> 00:46:35,040 And as we start to flee, he tries to flag us down. 1094 00:46:35,120 --> 00:46:39,360 I'm told, 18-years old, high on acid, I make direct eye contact and go… 1095 00:46:39,440 --> 00:46:40,680 [meows shrilly] 1096 00:46:40,760 --> 00:46:42,760 [audience laughing] 1097 00:46:45,960 --> 00:46:49,440 If you think running away from a Delhi policeman pisses them off, 1098 00:46:49,520 --> 00:46:50,680 try meowing at them. 1099 00:46:50,760 --> 00:46:52,080 [audience laughing] 1100 00:46:52,160 --> 00:46:53,320 They go insane. 1101 00:46:53,400 --> 00:46:55,440 He followed us for 3 kilometres. 1102 00:46:55,520 --> 00:46:57,880 We get to another red light, and I still do not know why 1103 00:46:57,960 --> 00:47:00,840 this is when my bastard friend starts following traffic laws. 1104 00:47:00,920 --> 00:47:02,840 [audience laughing] 1105 00:47:02,920 --> 00:47:04,000 He stops. 1106 00:47:04,880 --> 00:47:07,560 Hunta Singh got off and beat me with my helmet on. 1107 00:47:07,640 --> 00:47:10,120 It still hurt. I was like, "What is this helmet for?" 1108 00:47:10,640 --> 00:47:12,560 Then he beat me with my helmet, 1109 00:47:12,640 --> 00:47:14,640 and I understood what the helmet was for. 1110 00:47:15,240 --> 00:47:17,160 Then he started hitting me with his torch, 1111 00:47:17,240 --> 00:47:20,320 which I thought was a magical light and kept catching with my face… 1112 00:47:20,400 --> 00:47:21,560 [audience laughing] 1113 00:47:21,640 --> 00:47:22,760 …to taste his rainbow. 1114 00:47:22,840 --> 00:47:24,160 [scattered laughter] 1115 00:47:24,240 --> 00:47:27,720 [chuckles] Then, he looked at my friend, and he was like, "Show me your license." 1116 00:47:27,800 --> 00:47:30,400 And my friend Susheel pulled out a learner's license. 1117 00:47:30,480 --> 00:47:31,640 [audience laughing] 1118 00:47:31,720 --> 00:47:35,040 I don't mean to stop the show, but does that… does that joke work here? 1119 00:47:35,760 --> 00:47:37,040 Yeah, let me explain, 1120 00:47:37,120 --> 00:47:39,400 So, uh, guys, in India, 1121 00:47:39,480 --> 00:47:42,880 on a learner's license, you're not allowed to do acid. 1122 00:47:42,960 --> 00:47:45,360 [audience laughing loudly] 1123 00:47:46,920 --> 00:47:49,480 Same? I see this license go past my face 1124 00:47:49,560 --> 00:47:52,760 and it's got like colours and an aura and energy. 1125 00:47:52,840 --> 00:47:54,040 I have an idea! 1126 00:47:54,120 --> 00:47:56,120 I also pull out my learner's license. 1127 00:47:56,200 --> 00:47:57,640 [audience laughing] 1128 00:47:57,720 --> 00:47:59,360 I'm like, "Inspector Hunta Singh, 1129 00:47:59,880 --> 00:48:01,520 if we combine…" 1130 00:48:01,600 --> 00:48:04,480 [audience laughing loudly and applauding] 1131 00:48:06,800 --> 00:48:09,240 "…the power of two learner's licenses…" 1132 00:48:09,320 --> 00:48:10,160 [audience chuckles] 1133 00:48:10,240 --> 00:48:12,000 "…they will become a full license, sir. 1134 00:48:12,960 --> 00:48:14,800 Which is like saying, if two college kids fuck each other, 1135 00:48:14,880 --> 00:48:16,280 they will become a professor, sir." 1136 00:48:16,360 --> 00:48:17,680 [audience laughing] 1137 00:48:17,760 --> 00:48:21,040 And he laughed so much, he let me go. 1138 00:48:21,120 --> 00:48:23,120 -[audience laughing] -Second story. 1139 00:48:23,200 --> 00:48:24,680 I was 35 years old. 1140 00:48:24,760 --> 00:48:26,720 I was in a nightclub in Mumbai. 1141 00:48:26,800 --> 00:48:30,640 Thirty-five is old enough to know how absurd the Indian fighting ritual is. 1142 00:48:31,880 --> 00:48:35,000 I bumped up against this alpha male when I was dancing, right? 1143 00:48:35,080 --> 00:48:36,040 Bro got angry. 1144 00:48:36,120 --> 00:48:38,240 He was like, [loudly] "Bro! Are you okay?" 1145 00:48:38,320 --> 00:48:40,160 [scattered laughter] 1146 00:48:40,240 --> 00:48:42,040 I was really smashed. 1147 00:48:42,120 --> 00:48:44,120 I was like, "Yeah, it's really soft." 1148 00:48:45,640 --> 00:48:46,680 Bro went insane. 1149 00:48:47,200 --> 00:48:50,120 He was like, "Fucker! Meet me outside after this song." 1150 00:48:50,200 --> 00:48:52,200 [audience laughing] 1151 00:48:54,080 --> 00:48:55,240 After this song? Then… 1152 00:48:55,320 --> 00:48:57,920 Then for four minutes, we just awkwardly danced… 1153 00:48:58,000 --> 00:48:59,360 [audience laughing] 1154 00:48:59,440 --> 00:49:00,880 …while making eye contact 1155 00:49:01,440 --> 00:49:03,200 until "Tunak Tunak Tuun" finished, 1156 00:49:04,200 --> 00:49:06,240 which is the longest song in the world. 1157 00:49:06,320 --> 00:49:07,560 Legit, yo. 1158 00:49:07,640 --> 00:49:11,600 This is one out of five choruses of Daler Mehndi's masterpiece. 1159 00:49:11,680 --> 00:49:14,080 ♪ Tunak tunak tuun, tunak tunak tuun Tunak tunak tuun ♪ 1160 00:49:14,160 --> 00:49:16,640 ♪ Tunak tunak tuun, tunak tunak tuun Tunak tunak tuun ♪ 1161 00:49:16,720 --> 00:49:18,880 ♪ Tunak tunak tuun, tunak tunak tuun Tunak tunak tuun ♪ 1162 00:49:18,960 --> 00:49:22,360 ♪ Fucking tunak tunak tuun, Tunak tunak tuun tunak tunak tuun ♪ 1163 00:49:22,440 --> 00:49:24,040 [scoffs] Then it goes higher. 1164 00:49:24,120 --> 00:49:26,680 [in high pitch] ♪ Tunak tunak tuun, Tunak tunak tuun tunak tunak tuun ♪ 1165 00:49:26,760 --> 00:49:28,720 ♪ Tunak tunak tuun, Tunak tunak tuun tunak tunak tuun ♪ 1166 00:49:28,800 --> 00:49:31,760 ♪ Tunak tunak tuun, Tunak tunak tuun tunak tunak tuun ♪ 1167 00:49:31,840 --> 00:49:34,440 ♪ Tunak tunak tuun, Tunak tunak tuun tunak tunak tuun ♪ 1168 00:49:34,520 --> 00:49:35,720 [panting] Then it goes lower. 1169 00:49:35,800 --> 00:49:38,480 [in low pitch] ♪ Tunak tunak tuun, Tunak tunak tuun tunak tunak tuun ♪ 1170 00:49:38,560 --> 00:49:40,920 ♪ Tunak tunak tuun, Tunak tunak tuun tunak tunak tuun ♪ 1171 00:49:41,000 --> 00:49:43,760 Last one. ♪ Tunak tunak tuun, Tunak tunak tuun tunak tunak tuun ♪ 1172 00:49:43,840 --> 00:49:46,920 I lied. ♪ Tunak tunak tuun, Tunak tunak tuun tunak tunak tuun ♪ 1173 00:49:47,000 --> 00:49:48,040 Fuck the song! 1174 00:49:48,120 --> 00:49:51,160 Think about the emotional journey we just went through right now. 1175 00:49:51,680 --> 00:49:52,720 So they don't fight first. 1176 00:49:52,800 --> 00:49:54,800 First, they will stand around in a circle 1177 00:49:54,880 --> 00:49:57,760 and tell you how many people in your family they will fuck. 1178 00:49:57,840 --> 00:49:58,840 [audience chuckling] 1179 00:49:58,920 --> 00:50:01,960 [in Hindi] I'll fuck your mother, your sister, your brother. 1180 00:50:02,480 --> 00:50:04,560 [in English] I will fuck your mother, father, gardener, 1181 00:50:04,640 --> 00:50:06,000 your executive assistant. 1182 00:50:06,840 --> 00:50:10,920 -I'm like, "Am I needed for this?" -[audience laughing] 1183 00:50:11,000 --> 00:50:12,960 "You have a concrete plan, bro!" 1184 00:50:13,040 --> 00:50:14,400 [audience laughing and cheering] 1185 00:50:14,480 --> 00:50:15,760 "I feel like…" [chuckles] 1186 00:50:16,560 --> 00:50:19,240 "I feel like we're just gathering to abuse a family." 1187 00:50:19,840 --> 00:50:21,400 The fight began, right? 1188 00:50:21,480 --> 00:50:22,920 Fucking, I thought I'd land a punch. 1189 00:50:23,000 --> 00:50:25,600 This Punjabi guy stuck his chest against my chest 1190 00:50:25,680 --> 00:50:28,000 and started rubbing his chest against my chest. 1191 00:50:28,760 --> 00:50:29,920 I was like, "Sir!" 1192 00:50:30,000 --> 00:50:31,400 [audience laughing] 1193 00:50:31,480 --> 00:50:33,680 My nipples do not know the difference 1194 00:50:34,320 --> 00:50:36,720 between sensual friction and aggressive friction. 1195 00:50:37,920 --> 00:50:41,400 He got both of them equally perky like a cathode-anode situation. 1196 00:50:41,480 --> 00:50:43,040 [audience laughing] 1197 00:50:43,120 --> 00:50:45,120 Then he stuck his fucking face to my face. 1198 00:50:45,200 --> 00:50:47,360 His pupil touched my pupil, 1199 00:50:47,440 --> 00:50:49,200 and he saw my memories, all right? 1200 00:50:50,120 --> 00:50:52,000 He was like, "Is there a tooth in your stomach?" 1201 00:50:52,080 --> 00:50:53,560 [audience laughing] 1202 00:50:53,640 --> 00:50:55,960 [applauding and cheering continues] 1203 00:50:56,040 --> 00:50:57,160 [Vir speaks indistinctly] 1204 00:50:58,280 --> 00:51:00,480 Then he fucking started breathing hot air into my mouth. 1205 00:51:00,560 --> 00:51:02,880 [mimics rhythmic breathing] I started breathing hot air into his, 1206 00:51:02,960 --> 00:51:04,480 just becoming the thing I despise, 1207 00:51:04,560 --> 00:51:06,720 which is how I feel about elections in India. 1208 00:51:07,680 --> 00:51:09,800 Then he was like, [in Hindi] "What will you do? Will you do something? 1209 00:51:09,880 --> 00:51:12,280 Do it, fucker! I want you to do it!" 1210 00:51:12,360 --> 00:51:14,680 [in English] Which translates to, "Do it! I want you to do it! 1211 00:51:14,760 --> 00:51:16,680 Please do it. Do something. Do it! Do it now!" 1212 00:51:19,640 --> 00:51:21,880 [scattered laughter] 1213 00:51:21,960 --> 00:51:23,160 So I licked his ear. 1214 00:51:23,240 --> 00:51:25,240 [audience laughing] 1215 00:51:26,320 --> 00:51:27,840 It was right there. [chuckles] 1216 00:51:28,840 --> 00:51:32,040 I was like, "This is not confrontation. This is consent." [slurps noisily] 1217 00:51:32,640 --> 00:51:34,480 Oh, don't you judge my palate, all right? 1218 00:51:34,560 --> 00:51:37,840 You have Bombay sandwiches from Mithibai. That's ball-scratching bread, all right? 1219 00:51:37,920 --> 00:51:39,920 [audience cheering and applauding] 1220 00:51:42,360 --> 00:51:45,360 And a wave of confusion went over that man's face. 1221 00:51:45,440 --> 00:51:48,920 You just saw him realise, "I don't know if we are fucking or fighting!" 1222 00:51:49,000 --> 00:51:51,000 Which is how I feel about elections in India. 1223 00:51:51,080 --> 00:51:52,560 [audience laughing] 1224 00:51:52,640 --> 00:51:55,440 And he went to his friends and he's like, [in Hindi] "But he is that." 1225 00:51:55,520 --> 00:51:56,800 [audience chuckling] 1226 00:51:56,880 --> 00:51:59,200 [in English] Translation, "But he is that." 1227 00:51:59,280 --> 00:52:02,720 You've ever been so confused, your grammar deserts your homophobia? 1228 00:52:03,760 --> 00:52:05,000 And then we didn't even fight. 1229 00:52:05,080 --> 00:52:07,480 We just went inside and danced for four more hours. 1230 00:52:07,560 --> 00:52:09,840 -[audience cheering] -Fuck me. 1231 00:52:11,120 --> 00:52:14,280 I just wanna take you in. There are four minutes left in the show right now. 1232 00:52:15,000 --> 00:52:16,160 You know, I… 1233 00:52:16,240 --> 00:52:18,240 I came to Mumbai with a suitcase 1234 00:52:18,320 --> 00:52:21,640 and no contacts, no money, no comedy scene, 1235 00:52:21,720 --> 00:52:24,920 -and there's a stadium here today. -[audience cheering loudly] 1236 00:52:26,040 --> 00:52:28,040 [cheering continues] 1237 00:52:28,120 --> 00:52:29,120 And then, 1238 00:52:30,000 --> 00:52:31,000 you have a voice again. 1239 00:52:31,080 --> 00:52:32,960 -[man 5 whoops] -I did both shows. 1240 00:52:33,680 --> 00:52:36,200 Right before the show, you're standing backstage at a church, 1241 00:52:36,280 --> 00:52:39,720 you're putting your foot up on the stadium and 1242 00:52:40,640 --> 00:52:42,000 your voice is different. 1243 00:52:42,600 --> 00:52:47,240 And when I say your voice is different, I mean your voice is different. 1244 00:52:47,760 --> 00:52:49,920 Six weeks ago, I didn't know if I was gonna be here on stage. 1245 00:52:50,000 --> 00:52:53,840 -This is insane, you know the-- -[audience cheering] 1246 00:52:58,800 --> 00:53:02,000 I was watching that… you know, you remember Freddie Mercury in Live Aid, 1247 00:53:02,080 --> 00:53:04,880 where he had no voice and he's like… [mimics high-pitched vocalization] 1248 00:53:04,960 --> 00:53:07,200 -[audience mimics Vir's vocalizing] -Oh shit! [chuckles] 1249 00:53:07,280 --> 00:53:08,920 [audience laughing] 1250 00:53:09,920 --> 00:53:10,880 It's not the same. 1251 00:53:13,000 --> 00:53:17,760 And there's this whole other Special that Netflix paid you lot of money to do, 1252 00:53:17,840 --> 00:53:20,720 where you thought about everything that you wanted to say, 1253 00:53:21,440 --> 00:53:25,080 and you just don't feel like thinking that much. 1254 00:53:25,960 --> 00:53:27,080 All you can think is just… 1255 00:53:27,160 --> 00:53:29,960 -[mimics Freddy's tune] ♪ Behenchod! ♪ -[audience mimics Vir] ♪ Behenchod! ♪ 1256 00:53:30,040 --> 00:53:32,240 -♪ Behenchod! ♪ -[audience] ♪ Behenchod! ♪ 1257 00:53:32,320 --> 00:53:35,320 ♪ [in Hindustani classical] Behenchod! ♪ [audience mimics Vir] ♪ Behenchod! ♪ 1258 00:53:35,400 --> 00:53:36,800 -♪ Behenchod! ♪ -[audience] ♪ Behenchod! ♪ 1259 00:53:36,880 --> 00:53:38,160 -♪ Behenchod! ♪ -[audience] ♪ Behenchod! ♪ 1260 00:53:38,240 --> 00:53:45,240 -[drawn-out] ♪ Behenchod! ♪ -[audience cheering, applauding] 1261 00:53:46,040 --> 00:53:51,560 [audience, drawn-out] ♪ Behenchod! ♪ 1262 00:53:51,640 --> 00:53:53,520 I was summoned by the Mumbai police. 1263 00:53:53,600 --> 00:53:56,600 -[audience chuckles] -[chortles] 1264 00:53:56,680 --> 00:53:59,200 I was accused of stealing a joke from myself. 1265 00:53:59,280 --> 00:54:01,360 [audience chuckles] This is very confusing. 1266 00:54:01,440 --> 00:54:03,080 I wrote two shows about India, 1267 00:54:03,160 --> 00:54:05,880 and they both had one common topic with different jokes. 1268 00:54:05,960 --> 00:54:10,000 Right? So I had to go and explain joke structure to the Mumbai police. 1269 00:54:10,520 --> 00:54:12,880 Which I'm about to explain to you now. Are you ready, yeah? 1270 00:54:13,400 --> 00:54:15,320 Mumbai, every joke has three parts. 1271 00:54:15,400 --> 00:54:18,000 Number one, undeniable factual information. 1272 00:54:18,080 --> 00:54:21,000 Number two, a premise. Number three, a punchline. Observe. 1273 00:54:21,640 --> 00:54:23,520 Undeniable factual information. 1274 00:54:23,600 --> 00:54:26,320 Not all nipples are the same size. 1275 00:54:27,400 --> 00:54:28,760 Right? Here's a premise. 1276 00:54:28,840 --> 00:54:31,720 My nipples are like India and Pakistan. 1277 00:54:33,040 --> 00:54:34,280 Punchline. 1278 00:54:34,800 --> 00:54:38,480 They used to be a lot close, but over the years, they just grew apart. 1279 00:54:39,040 --> 00:54:41,040 It's an okay joke. I'm just illustrating… 1280 00:54:41,120 --> 00:54:42,600 By the way, any Pakistani people here? 1281 00:54:42,680 --> 00:54:43,720 [scattered responses] Yes! 1282 00:54:43,800 --> 00:54:47,080 Listen, I love you guys. You're always welcome in my show, alright? 1283 00:54:47,600 --> 00:54:49,200 Don't put this on social media. 1284 00:54:49,280 --> 00:54:52,240 [audience chuckling] 1285 00:54:54,160 --> 00:54:56,040 [chuckles] What's your name, buddy from Pakistan? 1286 00:54:56,120 --> 00:54:57,040 [man 4] Shehzaad. 1287 00:54:57,120 --> 00:55:00,160 Shehzaad, I do believe that one day our countries will be friends. 1288 00:55:00,240 --> 00:55:01,960 I do believe that. Genuinely. Yeah. 1289 00:55:02,040 --> 00:55:04,560 -Uh-- -[audience cheering and applauding] 1290 00:55:04,640 --> 00:55:05,640 I don't know. I just… 1291 00:55:05,720 --> 00:55:07,520 [applauding continues] 1292 00:55:07,600 --> 00:55:10,640 We just gotta find some common… enemy. 1293 00:55:10,720 --> 00:55:13,320 [audience laughing] 1294 00:55:14,240 --> 00:55:16,240 Let's go blow up the Maldives together, huh? 1295 00:55:16,320 --> 00:55:17,160 [audience chuckles] 1296 00:55:17,240 --> 00:55:18,520 Fuck the Maldives. 1297 00:55:18,600 --> 00:55:21,160 Fucking, both our navies together, Shehzaad. Let's do it, alright? 1298 00:55:21,240 --> 00:55:23,520 Sixty-five of our ships, two of your jet skis… 1299 00:55:23,600 --> 00:55:25,080 [audience laughing] 1300 00:55:31,120 --> 00:55:33,600 Even Shehzaad is like, "Two jet skis, huh?" 1301 00:55:33,680 --> 00:55:35,440 [audience laughing] 1302 00:55:35,520 --> 00:55:36,600 [chuckles] The point… 1303 00:55:36,680 --> 00:55:38,680 The point I'm trying to make is in a different joke, 1304 00:55:38,760 --> 00:55:40,160 part one never changes. 1305 00:55:40,240 --> 00:55:41,960 Observe, Mumbai, here's a different joke. 1306 00:55:42,040 --> 00:55:45,520 Undeniable factual information, "Not all nipples…" 1307 00:55:45,600 --> 00:55:46,880 [audience] "…are the same." 1308 00:55:46,960 --> 00:55:50,680 Here's a different premise. My nipples are like politics in India. 1309 00:55:51,960 --> 00:55:54,040 -Punchline. [chuckles] -[audience chuckles] 1310 00:55:54,120 --> 00:55:56,680 For as long as I can remember, 1311 00:55:56,760 --> 00:55:58,760 the right is way more sensitive. 1312 00:55:58,840 --> 00:55:59,720 [audience chuckling] 1313 00:55:59,800 --> 00:56:01,840 -Now, that-- -[audience cheering and applauding] 1314 00:56:02,800 --> 00:56:05,440 [cheering and applauding continues] 1315 00:56:07,480 --> 00:56:10,720 That joke is very easy to explain to a comedy crowd in a stadium. 1316 00:56:10,800 --> 00:56:13,800 Very tough to explain to the Mumbai police at 8 o'clock in the morning. 1317 00:56:14,320 --> 00:56:16,240 My lawyer and I are getting our files together 1318 00:56:16,320 --> 00:56:19,240 in front of this Mumbai policeman called Inspector Tapse. 1319 00:56:20,080 --> 00:56:22,000 He wants to get our attention. He's like, "Hey!" 1320 00:56:22,080 --> 00:56:24,880 -[smacks lips lewdly] -[audience laughing] 1321 00:56:26,040 --> 00:56:29,400 Immediately, every molecule in my body just goes, "Daddy!" 1322 00:56:29,480 --> 00:56:31,520 [audience laughing] 1323 00:56:31,600 --> 00:56:34,000 And he looks at me and he's like, "These jokes you do… 1324 00:56:34,600 --> 00:56:35,680 Are they funny?" 1325 00:56:37,160 --> 00:56:39,800 [audience laughing] 1326 00:56:42,880 --> 00:56:44,880 -[sighs softly] -[scattered chuckles] 1327 00:56:45,560 --> 00:56:48,720 "Inspector Tapse, it's like, not all nipples…" I do the entire routine. 1328 00:56:49,280 --> 00:56:52,600 I look at my lawyer who looks like she wants to quit the profession of law 1329 00:56:53,120 --> 00:56:56,160 because her client is pinching his nipples in a police station. 1330 00:56:56,240 --> 00:56:57,200 Zero response. 1331 00:56:57,280 --> 00:57:00,200 Now, when a joke's not going well, a comedian turns the gun on themselves. 1332 00:57:00,280 --> 00:57:01,600 That's how you get the crowd. 1333 00:57:01,680 --> 00:57:05,640 [splutters] So I'm like, "Inspector Tapse, why am I actually going to jail for jokes? 1334 00:57:05,720 --> 00:57:08,480 Please just give me two months to commit a real crime." 1335 00:57:08,560 --> 00:57:10,480 [audience laughing] 1336 00:57:10,560 --> 00:57:13,160 "And grow a real beard because I am too tiny 1337 00:57:13,240 --> 00:57:14,640 and too pretty for jail, sir. 1338 00:57:14,720 --> 00:57:16,480 I will be humped in 15 minutes." 1339 00:57:16,560 --> 00:57:17,840 [audience laughing] 1340 00:57:17,920 --> 00:57:20,480 Finally, this man laughs. I get the laugh. 1341 00:57:20,560 --> 00:57:23,040 He's like, "You? You will be humped in one minute." 1342 00:57:23,120 --> 00:57:25,920 [audience laughing and applauding] 1343 00:57:26,000 --> 00:57:29,440 "Wait. I will be humped in one minute, or I will be humped for one minute?" 1344 00:57:29,520 --> 00:57:32,400 -And he said, "Both." -[audience laughing] 1345 00:57:33,120 --> 00:57:36,120 "But listen, you cannot copyright topics in India. 1346 00:57:36,200 --> 00:57:39,680 I'm gonna take your statement. Tell me everything you said in Marathi." 1347 00:57:39,760 --> 00:57:42,080 [audience laughing] 1348 00:57:42,160 --> 00:57:43,120 I don't… 1349 00:57:44,480 --> 00:57:45,440 So I'm like, 1350 00:57:46,040 --> 00:57:49,320 -[speaking Marathi falteringly] -[audience laughing] 1351 00:57:50,680 --> 00:57:53,160 [in faltering Marathi] My chest testicles… 1352 00:57:53,240 --> 00:57:54,880 [audience laughing] 1353 00:57:57,440 --> 00:57:59,840 My chest testicles are different… 1354 00:57:59,920 --> 00:58:02,280 -[audience laughing] -…heavy. 1355 00:58:02,360 --> 00:58:04,120 [in English] He's like, [in Marathi] "Okay." 1356 00:58:04,880 --> 00:58:06,840 "West Mumbai and East Mumbai…" 1357 00:58:06,920 --> 00:58:08,920 [audience laughing hysterically] 1358 00:58:11,000 --> 00:58:13,000 "Coke studio, tunak tunak. 1359 00:58:14,440 --> 00:58:18,080 Me, man, man, man… 1360 00:58:18,160 --> 00:58:20,600 testies spread, spread, spread." 1361 00:58:22,600 --> 00:58:25,200 [in English] He's like, "You should do that on stage. It's very relatable." 1362 00:58:25,280 --> 00:58:26,840 [audience chuckling] 1363 00:58:26,920 --> 00:58:28,640 I'm like, "Yeah, but it's not really global." 1364 00:58:28,720 --> 00:58:31,040 He said, "Don't be silly. Indian comedy is not global." 1365 00:58:31,120 --> 00:58:32,320 [audience laughing] 1366 00:58:32,400 --> 00:58:34,000 He writes it all down. [chuckles] 1367 00:58:34,080 --> 00:58:36,320 -[audience chuckles] -Every word. 1368 00:58:36,400 --> 00:58:39,360 He's like, "Now I need to confiscate your passport. Hand it over." 1369 00:58:40,200 --> 00:58:41,160 I hand it over. 1370 00:58:41,680 --> 00:58:44,440 He puts it five feet away, inside a file, 1371 00:58:45,240 --> 00:58:47,480 under this paper where some jokes are written. 1372 00:58:47,560 --> 00:58:49,480 [audience chuckles] 1373 00:58:50,000 --> 00:58:53,840 "You lose your passport. God has taken your passport, man." 1374 00:58:54,520 --> 00:58:55,520 I prayed 1375 00:58:56,120 --> 00:58:57,280 in that police station. 1376 00:58:58,080 --> 00:59:00,600 And when I'm laughing… When I'm desperate, I laugh. 1377 00:59:00,680 --> 00:59:02,520 And he's like, "Is something funny?" 1378 00:59:03,480 --> 00:59:05,360 I'm like, "Inspector Tapse, 1379 00:59:05,440 --> 00:59:09,320 you're writing my joke down word for word in your file. 1380 00:59:10,960 --> 00:59:12,080 Technically…" 1381 00:59:12,160 --> 00:59:14,160 [audience chuckling] 1382 00:59:18,440 --> 00:59:20,080 "…that's copyright infringement." 1383 00:59:20,160 --> 00:59:22,120 [audience laughing and applauding] 1384 00:59:27,320 --> 00:59:28,600 [applause continues] 1385 00:59:28,680 --> 00:59:30,240 And he laughs. 1386 00:59:30,800 --> 00:59:32,560 He's like, "You'll write a joke about anything, huh?" 1387 00:59:32,640 --> 00:59:35,200 -I'm like, "Sir, if you let me." -[audience chuckling] 1388 00:59:35,840 --> 00:59:38,120 "Sir, I don't know, but I promise you when I write the joke, 1389 00:59:38,200 --> 00:59:39,600 I will be the punchline." 1390 00:59:40,160 --> 00:59:42,680 -"And what about me?" -"Sir, you will be an undeniable fact." 1391 00:59:42,760 --> 00:59:43,960 I promise you. 1392 00:59:46,040 --> 00:59:48,920 "Sir, please, I just need--" [mimics shushing] 1393 00:59:55,680 --> 00:59:57,040 "I will never forget this. 1394 00:59:57,800 --> 00:59:58,680 Thank you." 1395 01:00:01,320 --> 01:00:02,960 "You make me look good." 1396 01:00:03,040 --> 01:00:05,040 [audience laughing] 1397 01:00:08,000 --> 01:00:08,960 [chuckles softly] 1398 01:00:09,800 --> 01:00:13,200 -"I'm gonna make you look like a God." -[audience chuckles] 1399 01:00:14,000 --> 01:00:16,360 [audience cheering and applauding] 1400 01:00:23,800 --> 01:00:26,400 [cheering and applauding continues] 1401 01:00:31,440 --> 01:00:32,560 "Go now. 1402 01:00:33,800 --> 01:00:34,760 Are you happy?" 1403 01:00:36,560 --> 01:00:39,720 [audience cheering] 1404 01:00:39,800 --> 01:00:40,680 [grunts softly] 1405 01:00:40,760 --> 01:00:44,080 [cheering and applauding continues] 1406 01:00:46,240 --> 01:00:48,160 I wanted to do this before we leave, because, you know, 1407 01:00:48,240 --> 01:00:50,360 um, I was told I have to. 1408 01:00:51,280 --> 01:00:55,680 [plays "Happy Birthday to you" on kazoo] 1409 01:00:55,760 --> 01:00:57,880 [audience cheering and applauding] 1410 01:01:03,680 --> 01:01:07,920 -[kazoo continues playing] -[upbeat music playing] 1411 01:01:10,400 --> 01:01:12,360 [audience continues cheering and applauding] 1412 01:01:25,960 --> 01:01:27,080 [kazoo music fades] 1413 01:01:27,160 --> 01:01:31,280 ♪ Life, life, life, life, Life, life, life is vertical ♪ 1414 01:01:31,360 --> 01:01:33,080 [fast-paced music playing] 1415 01:01:33,160 --> 01:01:34,880 ♪ Life, life, life is, life is ♪ 1416 01:01:36,080 --> 01:01:38,200 ♪ Vir mama, Vir mama, life is ♪ 1417 01:01:39,600 --> 01:01:41,320 ♪ Life, life, life is, life is ♪ 1418 01:01:42,400 --> 01:01:44,120 ♪ Life, life is, life is vertical ♪ 1419 01:01:44,200 --> 01:01:47,280 ♪ Life, life, life, life, life ♪ ♪ The world is changing ♪ 1420 01:01:47,360 --> 01:01:50,480 ♪ Life, life, life, life, life, life ♪ ♪ Vir mama, Vir mama ♪ 1421 01:01:50,560 --> 01:01:52,280 ♪ Life, life, life, life ♪ ♪ World is changing ♪ 1422 01:01:52,360 --> 01:01:53,720 ♪ Life, life, life, ♪ ♪ The world is changing ♪ 1423 01:01:53,800 --> 01:01:55,280 ♪ Life, life, life, life, life ♪ 1424 01:01:55,360 --> 01:01:57,360 ♪ The world is changing ♪ ♪ Life is vertical ♪ 1425 01:01:58,840 --> 01:02:00,680 ♪ Life, life, life, life is, life is ♪ 1426 01:02:01,800 --> 01:02:03,840 ♪ Vir mama, Vir mama, life is ♪ 1427 01:02:05,240 --> 01:02:07,160 ♪ Life, life, life, life is , life is ♪ 1428 01:02:08,240 --> 01:02:09,800 ♪ Life is, life, life is vertical ♪ 1429 01:02:09,880 --> 01:02:13,000 ♪ Life, life, life, life, life ♪ ♪ The world is changing ♪ 1430 01:02:13,080 --> 01:02:16,160 ♪ Life, life, life, life, life, life ♪ ♪ Vir mama, Vir mama ♪ 1431 01:02:16,240 --> 01:02:19,400 ♪ Life, life, life, life ♪ ♪ The world is changing ♪ 1432 01:02:19,480 --> 01:02:21,760 ♪ Life, life, life, life ♪ ♪ The world is changing ♪ 1433 01:02:21,840 --> 01:02:22,960 ♪ Life is vertical ♪ 1434 01:02:24,480 --> 01:02:26,320 ♪ Life, life, life, life is, life is ♪ 1435 01:02:27,480 --> 01:02:29,320 ♪ Vir mama, Vir mama, life is ♪ 1436 01:02:30,920 --> 01:02:32,640 ♪ Life, life, life, life is, life is ♪ 1437 01:02:33,880 --> 01:02:35,520 ♪ Life is, life is, life is vertical ♪ 1438 01:02:35,600 --> 01:02:38,680 ♪ Life, life, life, life, life ♪ ♪ The world is changing ♪ 1439 01:02:38,760 --> 01:02:41,840 ♪ Life, life, life, life, life, life ♪ ♪ Vir mama, Vir mama ♪ 1440 01:02:41,920 --> 01:02:45,040 ♪ Life, life, life, life, life ♪ ♪ The world is changing ♪ 1441 01:02:45,120 --> 01:02:47,440 ♪ Life, life, life, life ♪ ♪ The world is changing ♪ 1442 01:02:47,520 --> 01:02:48,480 ♪ Life is vertical ♪ 1443 01:02:50,160 --> 01:02:52,000 ♪ Life, life, life, life is, life is ♪ 1444 01:02:53,120 --> 01:02:54,840 ♪ Vir mama, Vir mama, life is ♪ 1445 01:02:56,560 --> 01:02:58,400 ♪ Life, life, life, life is, life is ♪ 1446 01:02:59,520 --> 01:03:01,080 ♪ Life is, life is, life is vertical ♪ 1447 01:03:01,160 --> 01:03:04,440 ♪ Life, life, life, life, life ♪ ♪ The world is changing ♪ 1448 01:03:04,520 --> 01:03:07,520 ♪ Life, life, life, life, life, life ♪ ♪ Vir mama, Vir mama ♪ 1449 01:03:07,600 --> 01:03:10,760 ♪ Life, life, life, life, life ♪ ♪ The world is changing ♪ 1450 01:03:10,840 --> 01:03:14,000 ♪ Life, life, life, life, life, life ♪ ♪ The world is changing, Vir mama ♪ 1451 01:03:14,080 --> 01:03:17,120 ♪ Life, life, life, life, life ♪ ♪ The world is changing ♪ 1452 01:03:17,200 --> 01:03:19,480 ♪ Life, life, life, life, life ♪ ♪ The world is changing ♪ 1453 01:03:19,560 --> 01:03:20,960 ♪ Life is vertical ♪ 1454 01:03:27,200 --> 01:03:28,120 [barks] 1455 01:03:29,305 --> 01:04:29,379