Vir Das: Fool Volume

1 00:00:06,000 --> 00:00:12,074 2 00:00:12,360 --> 00:00:16,120 Nocturne, nocturne 3 00:00:16,200 --> 00:00:18,840 Once again the night 4 00:00:19,520 --> 00:00:21,160 Is coming on… 5 00:00:24,520 --> 00:00:26,760 Hey, London, what's up? Hello. 6 00:00:26,840 --> 00:00:28,840 Let's start. All rise. 7 00:00:31,120 --> 00:00:32,680 You actually did it. Sit the fuck down. 8 00:00:39,520 --> 00:00:41,520 I've always wanted to do that shit, man. 9 00:00:43,840 --> 00:00:45,040 Jesus Christ! 10 00:00:47,720 --> 00:00:49,720 He's not here. He's not here! 11 00:00:50,760 --> 00:00:51,840 He sent me. 12 00:00:52,640 --> 00:00:53,600 Nocturne… 13 00:00:53,680 --> 00:00:55,320 What's up, Mumbai? Hello. 14 00:00:58,000 --> 00:01:00,000 I have good news, and I have bad news. 15 00:01:00,080 --> 00:01:02,720 -Which one would you like to hear first? -Bad news. 16 00:01:02,800 --> 00:01:06,280 Most Indian answer ever. 17 00:01:06,360 --> 00:01:08,800 Because in India, someone else's bad news… 18 00:01:13,400 --> 00:01:15,120 The bad news is this. 19 00:01:15,680 --> 00:01:17,560 I'm really happy. 20 00:01:17,640 --> 00:01:18,920 -Whoa! -Yeah. 21 00:01:19,000 --> 00:01:22,760 But the good news is I'll talk about it and hopefully, it'll just go away. 22 00:01:23,360 --> 00:01:24,760 'Cause when we talk about our happiness, 23 00:01:24,840 --> 00:01:28,800 Indian people violate a rule that we've been taught since the British Raj, 24 00:01:28,880 --> 00:01:30,400 "Happiness is silence." 25 00:01:31,000 --> 00:01:33,760 Right? This is why if you ask any Indian, "Are you happy?" 26 00:01:33,840 --> 00:01:35,080 we'll be like… 27 00:01:37,880 --> 00:01:39,960 Now, don't be confused. This is not a confirmation. 28 00:01:40,040 --> 00:01:42,040 This is not a denial. This is a misdirection. 29 00:01:43,600 --> 00:01:44,920 This is not us going, "I don't know." 30 00:01:45,000 --> 00:01:46,840 This is us going, "I don't want you to know. 31 00:01:46,920 --> 00:01:48,480 I only want God to know." 32 00:01:50,600 --> 00:01:52,840 'Cause you got to be honest with God, right, guys? 33 00:01:52,920 --> 00:01:54,560 God talks to us, yes? 34 00:01:54,640 --> 00:01:57,680 God says things like, "I love you. Be strong. Vote for me." 35 00:02:00,160 --> 00:02:02,760 Streets clear up Phones… 36 00:02:02,840 --> 00:02:05,600 -What's up, New York? You're good? -Yeah! 37 00:02:06,120 --> 00:02:08,360 All right, let me tell you a story. Well, a backstory. 38 00:02:08,440 --> 00:02:10,560 I just shot my new Netflix Special, man. 39 00:02:10,640 --> 00:02:14,000 It cuts between London and Mumbai, 40 00:02:14,080 --> 00:02:17,040 and it's a show I wrote in silence. 41 00:02:17,560 --> 00:02:18,640 Well, rewrote. 42 00:02:19,200 --> 00:02:20,840 And the silence is my fault by the way. 43 00:02:20,920 --> 00:02:24,080 Because the… I don't know. Things were going well. 44 00:02:24,720 --> 00:02:28,400 And… I think I got a little arrogant. 45 00:02:29,200 --> 00:02:31,360 And I think the universe can sense arrogance. 46 00:02:31,880 --> 00:02:33,880 Uh, I was in a hotel room in London. 47 00:02:36,440 --> 00:02:40,520 Six weeks before I was supposed to take my new Netflix Special 48 00:02:40,600 --> 00:02:42,920 in a church in London and a stadium in Mumbai, 49 00:02:43,000 --> 00:02:46,000 something in the Universe went… 50 00:02:46,880 --> 00:02:48,040 And I woke up without a voice. 51 00:02:48,120 --> 00:02:49,880 Hmm… 52 00:02:51,280 --> 00:02:54,040 Biggest show of my career, six weeks to go. 53 00:02:54,680 --> 00:02:56,840 My voice wasn't sore, it was just gone. 54 00:02:56,920 --> 00:02:58,160 Broken, silent. 55 00:02:58,240 --> 00:03:00,200 It's like the government in my body had changed. 56 00:03:02,080 --> 00:03:05,080 And my family was like, "You've been sharing too much good news." 57 00:03:07,200 --> 00:03:09,200 You've activated the evil eye. 58 00:03:09,280 --> 00:03:12,200 I'll explain, American people. The evil eye is ill-wishers. 59 00:03:12,280 --> 00:03:15,880 But they do not do ill to you. They just casually wish ill upon you. 60 00:03:17,680 --> 00:03:19,640 They've combined evil with delegation. 61 00:03:21,040 --> 00:03:22,800 They wish, right? They'll just blow an eyelash 62 00:03:22,880 --> 00:03:24,840 and be like, "Give him erectile dysfunction." 63 00:03:26,440 --> 00:03:28,640 Which I don't mean to mock. I'm sure it's quite hard. 64 00:03:28,720 --> 00:03:30,920 But, uh… 65 00:03:32,320 --> 00:03:33,720 But the evil eye's a powerful force. 66 00:03:33,800 --> 00:03:36,320 Right? And in India, we call the evil eye… 67 00:03:36,920 --> 00:03:37,880 Nazar. 68 00:03:37,960 --> 00:03:39,520 Family, that's right. Yes. 69 00:03:46,000 --> 00:03:46,880 Speaking of family, 70 00:03:46,960 --> 00:03:49,400 it is so fucking good to be home. What's up, Mumbai? 71 00:03:49,480 --> 00:03:51,120 What's up, London? What's up, New York? 72 00:03:51,200 --> 00:03:52,560 Good to see you guys. 73 00:04:06,520 --> 00:04:09,480 The minute you share good news the evil eye is activated. 74 00:04:09,560 --> 00:04:11,480 Observe. I will share some good news. Ready? 75 00:04:12,000 --> 00:04:16,000 So, uh, I won a tiny Emmy Award, all right? And, uh… 76 00:04:16,080 --> 00:04:18,400 Thank you, thank you. 77 00:04:18,920 --> 00:04:20,280 Thank you for supporting my comedy, 78 00:04:20,360 --> 00:04:22,680 and, uh, my family thanks you as well. 79 00:04:22,760 --> 00:04:26,240 Guys, the artist you're watching is nowcritically acclaimed. 80 00:04:26,760 --> 00:04:29,600 Except the acclaim comes from white people, so nobody gives a fuck. 81 00:04:30,720 --> 00:04:32,840 White validation is brown kryptonite. 82 00:04:34,320 --> 00:04:36,520 Everybody is like, "He has betrayed his country." 83 00:04:36,600 --> 00:04:38,600 I know what you're thinking. "Vir, kryptonite is green." 84 00:04:38,680 --> 00:04:41,040 No, that's white money, which is a brown magnet, 85 00:04:41,120 --> 00:04:43,720 which is why you live here, and you have betrayed your country. 86 00:04:45,640 --> 00:04:47,560 Evil eye. 87 00:04:47,640 --> 00:04:50,280 No, I get it. A lot of people were conflicted when I won the award, 88 00:04:50,360 --> 00:04:52,840 because I'm an English comedian in India. 89 00:04:53,360 --> 00:04:56,360 And we have this post-colonial resentment of the English language. 90 00:04:56,440 --> 00:04:58,680 We equate English with privilege. Correct? 91 00:04:59,480 --> 00:05:00,480 Falsely so, by the way. 92 00:05:00,560 --> 00:05:03,440 There are many countries in the world where people speak great English, 93 00:05:03,520 --> 00:05:04,720 who are dirt poor. 94 00:05:04,800 --> 00:05:06,720 For instance, the country of England. 95 00:05:10,360 --> 00:05:12,800 If you speak good English, they're like, "Vir Das is not relatable. 96 00:05:12,880 --> 00:05:13,760 Not relatable." 97 00:05:13,840 --> 00:05:15,720 Yeah, neither wasOppenheimer. 98 00:05:17,320 --> 00:05:18,720 You watched that shit, no? 99 00:05:18,800 --> 00:05:19,720 Why're you so insecure? 100 00:05:19,800 --> 00:05:22,400 Why do you need to be "related to" all the fucking time? 101 00:05:22,480 --> 00:05:26,000 Did you watchOppenheimerlike, "I just don't see myself in the mushroom cloud." 102 00:05:27,680 --> 00:05:29,120 Although give Putin five years… 103 00:05:30,960 --> 00:05:32,360 But in India, there's a spectrum. 104 00:05:32,440 --> 00:05:34,840 If your English is very bad, we will judge you. 105 00:05:35,360 --> 00:05:36,840 But if your English is very good… 106 00:05:36,920 --> 00:05:38,760 -Judge you. -…we will judge you, right? 107 00:05:38,840 --> 00:05:41,880 It's this… this Appu - Vivek Ramaswamy spectrum. 108 00:05:44,480 --> 00:05:47,640 Right? This… This Mowgli - Rishi Sunak spectrum. 109 00:05:49,680 --> 00:05:51,440 This Kangana - Tharoor spectrum. 110 00:05:51,520 --> 00:05:54,840 Right? They were also-- 111 00:05:56,320 --> 00:05:58,880 The night that I won my Emmy Award, two Indian critics, 112 00:05:58,960 --> 00:06:00,840 mainstream critics got on TV. 113 00:06:00,920 --> 00:06:02,800 And one of them was like, "I don't like Vir Das." 114 00:06:03,320 --> 00:06:05,920 And she was like, "Why?" She said, "His English is too good." 115 00:06:06,440 --> 00:06:09,720 You… you can't be mad at people because they enunciate. 116 00:06:10,760 --> 00:06:13,800 I'm sorry, Mumbai, to enunciate means that you, uh… 117 00:06:16,640 --> 00:06:18,120 We're not the best, right guys? 118 00:06:18,640 --> 00:06:20,160 This first girl I hooked up in Mumbai… 119 00:06:20,240 --> 00:06:23,000 Every time we'd hook up, she'll be like, "Ey,suno, let's bang, no, men?" 120 00:06:24,680 --> 00:06:27,960 "Ey,suno, let's bang no men" 121 00:06:28,040 --> 00:06:31,400 Then we would have consensual sex while assaulting two languages. 122 00:06:33,240 --> 00:06:34,280 You get judged, man. 123 00:06:34,360 --> 00:06:35,400 Like I remember once, 124 00:06:35,480 --> 00:06:38,120 one of India's top Hindi comedians came up to me and he was like, 125 00:06:38,200 --> 00:06:39,760 "Vir, you're too global. 126 00:06:39,840 --> 00:06:41,600 Indian stand-up is not global. 127 00:06:41,680 --> 00:06:45,560 You sound privileged. You have to sound relatable, like us." 128 00:06:45,640 --> 00:06:47,440 And then he left in a Range Rover. 129 00:06:49,760 --> 00:06:52,200 And that's when you realize the most privileged people in the world 130 00:06:52,280 --> 00:06:54,240 don't speak English, don't need English. 131 00:06:54,320 --> 00:06:55,160 Think about it. 132 00:06:55,240 --> 00:06:56,760 Jack Ma - Mandarin. 133 00:06:56,840 --> 00:06:58,560 Mukesh Ambani - Gujarati. 134 00:06:58,640 --> 00:07:00,000 Elon Musk - X. 135 00:07:00,080 --> 00:07:02,880 No English is required. 136 00:07:02,960 --> 00:07:05,520 Then I got taken to England's top vocal doctor. 137 00:07:05,600 --> 00:07:06,520 And he informed me 138 00:07:06,600 --> 00:07:09,520 that I had massive vocals cysts on both of my vocal cords. 139 00:07:10,760 --> 00:07:11,840 And he said, "Mr. Das, 140 00:07:11,920 --> 00:07:14,280 it could be seven months before you speak properly again. 141 00:07:14,360 --> 00:07:15,920 But you know, look at Djokovic. 142 00:07:16,600 --> 00:07:18,200 Injured, out for six months. 143 00:07:18,280 --> 00:07:21,280 Does so much physio…," "…back in five weeks. 144 00:07:21,360 --> 00:07:23,520 You just gotta find a Djokovic inside you." 145 00:07:26,000 --> 00:07:27,320 Do you know how patronizing it is 146 00:07:27,400 --> 00:07:29,760 to compare a comedian to a professional athlete? 147 00:07:30,320 --> 00:07:32,040 That's equivalent to like, if his patient dies, 148 00:07:32,120 --> 00:07:34,160 and I'm like, "I know it's sad but look at Jesus." 149 00:07:37,000 --> 00:07:39,560 "Crucified, out for eternity, does so much physio…" 150 00:07:42,120 --> 00:07:44,040 "Back in three days!" 151 00:07:44,120 --> 00:07:47,200 "You just gotta find a Jesus inside you." 152 00:07:47,720 --> 00:07:51,160 Can you imagine a brown man with a beard telling a white man to find Jesus? 153 00:07:53,080 --> 00:07:54,760 The last guy who did that was Jesus. 154 00:07:58,800 --> 00:07:59,800 But I'm training. 155 00:07:59,880 --> 00:08:03,200 I just fired my American trainer. I got a proper Indian trainer, right? 156 00:08:03,280 --> 00:08:05,200 Speaks Hindi, has a paunch. 157 00:08:06,880 --> 00:08:08,600 'Cause this western guy kept saying 158 00:08:08,680 --> 00:08:11,000 all this privileged shit I didn't understand. 159 00:08:11,080 --> 00:08:13,880 He said, "Mr. Das, if you wanna get really lean, 160 00:08:13,960 --> 00:08:16,120 we gotta feed and fast, feed and fast. 161 00:08:16,200 --> 00:08:18,280 We gotta surprise your body." 162 00:08:18,360 --> 00:08:20,560 I was like, "Bro, I live in Mumbai. 163 00:08:21,080 --> 00:08:24,240 If I wanna surprise mybody, I will cross the road." 164 00:08:26,760 --> 00:08:29,760 "I will be much leaner when there is an SUV on top of my body." 165 00:08:30,440 --> 00:08:33,600 Random privileged shit. "Mr. Das, are you having any antioxidants?" 166 00:08:33,680 --> 00:08:36,120 I'm like, "The AQI is 599 right now. 167 00:08:36,800 --> 00:08:39,240 What oxygen are you referring to in Mumbai?" 168 00:08:39,320 --> 00:08:42,440 At this point, my body converts monoxide into dioxide. 169 00:08:42,520 --> 00:08:44,040 I am an antioxidant. 170 00:08:45,120 --> 00:08:48,560 We have lost half the crowd, by the way. Half the crowd is gone, right? 171 00:08:48,640 --> 00:08:50,600 They're like, "Why's he teaching science? 172 00:08:51,240 --> 00:08:53,200 Did not come here to learn about oxygen!" 173 00:08:53,280 --> 00:08:56,400 "Just make me laugh, bro. Don't make me think!" 174 00:08:56,480 --> 00:08:57,680 This is you! 175 00:08:57,760 --> 00:09:00,120 In the comments, "Just make me laugh, bro! 176 00:09:00,200 --> 00:09:01,440 Don't make me think." 177 00:09:01,520 --> 00:09:04,120 Get someone to tickle you, you basic bitch, all right? 178 00:09:11,080 --> 00:09:12,120 Random privileged shit. 179 00:09:12,200 --> 00:09:14,400 "Uh, Mr. Das, what're your thoughts on probiotics?" 180 00:09:14,480 --> 00:09:16,160 Do you guys know about probiotics here? 181 00:09:16,240 --> 00:09:18,000 "Your thoughts on probiotics?" 182 00:09:18,080 --> 00:09:20,680 And I was like, "I believe in a woman's right to choose." 183 00:09:22,640 --> 00:09:24,760 "I am probiotic." 184 00:09:24,840 --> 00:09:26,800 He was like, "Mr. Das, you're making a mistake." 185 00:09:26,880 --> 00:09:29,840 And I said, "I shouldn't have to live with that mistake for the rest of my life." 186 00:09:31,080 --> 00:09:34,400 This trainer… it was so hard not to sound like him 187 00:09:34,480 --> 00:09:35,880 when I was talking to him. 188 00:09:37,160 --> 00:09:40,720 Indian people… we have a horrible habit. 189 00:09:40,800 --> 00:09:43,680 When we talk to somebody with a foreign accent, 190 00:09:44,200 --> 00:09:46,400 like a dementor, we inhale their accent. 191 00:09:50,720 --> 00:09:52,720 And do their accent back to their face. 192 00:09:54,920 --> 00:09:57,600 Like, a sweet French guy will come over to your house for dinner. 193 00:09:57,680 --> 00:09:59,360 He'll be like, "This ismagnifique. 194 00:09:59,440 --> 00:10:01,280 Could I have some more chickentikka, please?" 195 00:10:01,360 --> 00:10:03,520 You will walk into your own kitchen, 196 00:10:04,440 --> 00:10:05,560 look at your Indian mother 197 00:10:05,640 --> 00:10:08,440 and be like, "He would like some more chickentikka." 198 00:10:11,280 --> 00:10:14,000 Your mother will come, look at the French guy and be like, 199 00:10:14,080 --> 00:10:16,640 "Beta, would you like some more…" 200 00:10:18,120 --> 00:10:20,920 Now the French guy is fucking terrified, right? 201 00:10:21,000 --> 00:10:23,800 He's like, "Uh, Aunty, I would like some more…" 202 00:10:28,800 --> 00:10:32,160 Now, you're just three racists surrounding a cold piece of chicken tikka. 203 00:10:32,640 --> 00:10:36,760 To get rid of the evil eye, six pundits, six priests were sent over to my house, 204 00:10:36,840 --> 00:10:38,480 and they did an 8-hour worship ritual, 205 00:10:38,560 --> 00:10:41,680 where they built ashivling out of milk and ghee and ice 206 00:10:41,760 --> 00:10:44,200 that stood by itself six feet into the air. 207 00:10:44,280 --> 00:10:46,160 One of the most beautiful things I've ever seen. 208 00:10:46,240 --> 00:10:49,320 I was like, "Can you complete the bridges in Mumbai, please?" 209 00:10:52,720 --> 00:10:55,240 And the pundit was like, "Now, you need to pray every night." 210 00:10:55,320 --> 00:10:57,840 I couldn't talk to the pundit, and I was like, "Well, that's 211 00:10:57,920 --> 00:10:59,680 kind of why I hired you." 212 00:11:01,680 --> 00:11:03,400 And he was like, "Oh, we don't pray for you. 213 00:11:03,480 --> 00:11:05,880 We just make sure that your prayer is heard first." 214 00:11:07,680 --> 00:11:10,520 I was like, "So, you are like the TSA precheck…" 215 00:11:12,680 --> 00:11:13,640 "…of God?" 216 00:11:14,160 --> 00:11:15,880 And he was like, "Yeah, take your shoes off." 217 00:11:18,240 --> 00:11:19,920 I don't pray that much, right? 218 00:11:20,000 --> 00:11:23,960 Like, I casually take God's name during orgasms and deadlifts, right? 219 00:11:26,120 --> 00:11:29,120 Which, for me, are very similar experiences, guys. 220 00:11:30,080 --> 00:11:33,080 You know, my knees don't cooperate. 221 00:11:33,160 --> 00:11:35,680 Looking in a mirror… You know, the very… 222 00:11:37,920 --> 00:11:39,040 But, like… 223 00:11:39,120 --> 00:11:43,160 Like, I talk to God. Like the other day, I was praying because I lost my passport. 224 00:11:43,680 --> 00:11:46,520 Like, you, sir, can get a new passport in 24 hours 225 00:11:46,600 --> 00:11:48,480 if you have contacts in the government. 226 00:11:48,560 --> 00:11:52,000 Except for me, contact with the government is why I need my passport. 227 00:11:54,400 --> 00:11:57,200 So, if I lose my passport, I haven't lost my passport. 228 00:11:57,280 --> 00:11:59,040 God has taken my passport. 229 00:11:59,800 --> 00:12:01,040 And I just find religion… 230 00:12:01,120 --> 00:12:03,680 You know, when I'm desperate, I laugh, right? 231 00:12:03,760 --> 00:12:06,400 So, I was like, "God, listen, I cannot 232 00:12:06,480 --> 00:12:09,200 tell jokes to a world I do not get to see." 233 00:12:09,280 --> 00:12:12,120 And then all of a sudden, a file in front of me flew open. 234 00:12:12,200 --> 00:12:15,320 I heard a noise, which was like… 235 00:12:15,400 --> 00:12:19,120 And my passport, I swear to God, was five feet away, inside that file, 236 00:12:19,200 --> 00:12:21,840 like, hidden under this paper where some jokes were written. 237 00:12:22,360 --> 00:12:26,240 And I was so happy I cried happy tears over a piece of paper. 238 00:12:26,760 --> 00:12:29,240 The last time I did that a pregnancy test came negative. 239 00:12:30,720 --> 00:12:33,280 I needed my passport because I went to Australia. 240 00:12:33,360 --> 00:12:35,520 Uh… 241 00:12:35,600 --> 00:12:38,160 I'm sorry, any Australians in the audience? Make some noise. 242 00:12:38,240 --> 00:12:40,680 -Whoa! -Good to see you. I like your country. 243 00:12:40,760 --> 00:12:43,800 I mean, you guys are,na, you're like, England's Bangladesh. 244 00:12:46,640 --> 00:12:47,760 Is that a… ? 245 00:12:47,840 --> 00:12:49,840 Sorry, I apologise. 246 00:12:49,920 --> 00:12:51,520 I apologise, I'm sorry. 247 00:12:52,160 --> 00:12:56,600 You're New Zealand's Pakistan. 248 00:13:01,000 --> 00:13:04,720 Here's what happened. I follow rules when I'm at airports abroad. 249 00:13:05,440 --> 00:13:08,560 I never wanna embarrass India abroad unless it's at a large theatre. 250 00:13:10,000 --> 00:13:12,240 And this old Aussie lady 251 00:13:13,200 --> 00:13:14,560 picked me out of line. 252 00:13:14,640 --> 00:13:16,560 Full of white people and she was like, "You sir, 253 00:13:16,640 --> 00:13:18,000 you're gonna check your bag in." 254 00:13:18,520 --> 00:13:21,920 I was like, "Madam it's under 9 kilos, only one item." 255 00:13:22,000 --> 00:13:24,400 She was like, "No! you're gonna check your bag in." 256 00:13:24,480 --> 00:13:26,200 I was pissed off. Would you be pissed off? 257 00:13:26,280 --> 00:13:27,120 Yes. 258 00:13:27,200 --> 00:13:29,800 I was like, "Are you gonna check any of the white people?" 259 00:13:29,880 --> 00:13:32,840 All white people were like, "Fuck! Now she's gonna check the white people!" 260 00:13:34,160 --> 00:13:37,760 She just pointed at me and she was like, "No, just you!" 261 00:13:38,560 --> 00:13:41,000 I was delighted. I was. I was like, "Oh, my God! 262 00:13:41,080 --> 00:13:42,600 It's an OG racist." 263 00:13:44,920 --> 00:13:46,440 It's like seeing the Northern Lights. 264 00:13:46,520 --> 00:13:48,880 You're like, "I've seen in books and movies, 265 00:13:48,960 --> 00:13:51,160 but it's so much more impressive in person." 266 00:13:51,920 --> 00:13:54,680 You never see an OG racist in a modern setting. 267 00:13:54,760 --> 00:13:56,440 It fucks with your brain, right? 268 00:13:56,520 --> 00:13:58,480 It's like seeing a Nazi drink Boba tea. 269 00:14:01,000 --> 00:14:04,160 Which I would pay good money to see, yo! 270 00:14:04,240 --> 00:14:06,280 Full SS uniforms… 271 00:14:06,800 --> 00:14:07,640 He… 272 00:14:07,720 --> 00:14:09,680 He… heil… 273 00:14:09,760 --> 00:14:12,000 Heil Hitler! 274 00:14:12,800 --> 00:14:16,680 I really do feel racists are a marginalized community. 275 00:14:19,600 --> 00:14:21,680 Have you considered the struggle of being a racist? 276 00:14:21,760 --> 00:14:23,760 To identify as a bigot 277 00:14:23,840 --> 00:14:26,360 but to be trapped inside an intelligent person's body. 278 00:14:27,680 --> 00:14:30,880 Racists have no public platforms. It's just 80% of American podcast. 279 00:14:30,960 --> 00:14:32,600 That's it, right? 280 00:14:32,680 --> 00:14:34,640 All of their good ideas have been stolen, 281 00:14:34,720 --> 00:14:36,560 culturally appropriated from racists. 282 00:14:36,640 --> 00:14:39,320 Racists came up with the N-word, Hip Hop… took it. 283 00:14:40,320 --> 00:14:43,440 Racists came up with segregation, pickleball… took it. 284 00:14:44,840 --> 00:14:47,480 Racists came up with slavery, Apple… took it. 285 00:14:49,800 --> 00:14:52,120 All their good ideas are gone. Then what is the life of a racist? 286 00:14:52,200 --> 00:14:55,200 You make a tiny Paki like me check his luggage. 287 00:14:55,280 --> 00:14:57,200 Then you go home and have quiet missionary sex 288 00:14:57,280 --> 00:14:58,680 under a picture of Churchill. 289 00:15:01,720 --> 00:15:02,640 What's… 290 00:15:04,360 --> 00:15:06,880 Picture of Winston Churchill… it's got to be missionary. 291 00:15:07,920 --> 00:15:09,920 You can't do anal under Churchill. 292 00:15:11,680 --> 00:15:13,280 Churchill has never seen, uh… 293 00:15:14,640 --> 00:15:15,720 …"colon"isation. 294 00:15:18,160 --> 00:15:21,400 I… 295 00:15:24,480 --> 00:15:26,160 I'm walking into first class. 296 00:15:26,240 --> 00:15:28,480 She keeps smiling at me with victory in her eyes. 297 00:15:28,560 --> 00:15:29,920 Something in me snapped. 298 00:15:30,000 --> 00:15:32,520 Usually, Indian people, we shut up and take it, right? 299 00:15:33,040 --> 00:15:36,320 I was like, "Madam, I hope an Indian marries your daughter." 300 00:15:38,160 --> 00:15:40,400 I hope her daughter comes home with a beautiful Indian man. 301 00:15:40,480 --> 00:15:42,880 Fucking Dev Patel's face… 302 00:15:42,960 --> 00:15:45,520 …with Sadhguru's mustache… 303 00:15:45,600 --> 00:15:46,920 …on, like, my body. 304 00:15:47,960 --> 00:15:49,360 They have to sleep in the next room 305 00:15:49,440 --> 00:15:53,360 and listen to weird Indian-Aussie mix sex coming through the wall all night long. 306 00:15:53,440 --> 00:15:55,400 Yes, "Aussie! Aussie! Aussie!" "Oye! Hoye! Hoye!" 307 00:15:57,560 --> 00:16:00,480 Just… 308 00:16:02,880 --> 00:16:04,880 Just… Hah! Tu! 309 00:16:06,840 --> 00:16:08,720 Guys, she was 65. 310 00:16:08,800 --> 00:16:10,040 You gotta have empathy. 311 00:16:10,120 --> 00:16:12,680 It is possible to love an old racist, right? 312 00:16:12,760 --> 00:16:15,080 Indians, go to your family WhatsApp group right now. 313 00:16:16,400 --> 00:16:20,800 Fun fact, if you cannot find a racist in your family WhatsApp group, 314 00:16:20,880 --> 00:16:21,920 you're the fucking racist. 315 00:16:24,520 --> 00:16:25,600 Don't be… don't be ashamed. 316 00:16:25,680 --> 00:16:28,440 One of my grand aunts, legendary Islamophobe. 317 00:16:28,520 --> 00:16:29,880 Legendary! 318 00:16:29,960 --> 00:16:31,960 Platinum member frequent flyer bigot. 319 00:16:34,600 --> 00:16:37,280 Every time she saw me do stand-up, she'll be like, "Hai Allah!" 320 00:16:38,280 --> 00:16:41,160 I was like, "Don't you…" "…hate Muslims?" 321 00:16:41,240 --> 00:16:44,040 She'll be like, "Yeah, but when I'm disappointed, I invoke their god." 322 00:16:47,040 --> 00:16:48,920 Why bother our own? 323 00:16:49,000 --> 00:16:51,680 Then I got taken to Adele's speech therapist. 324 00:16:53,400 --> 00:16:55,640 She has the same problem as me, same level of talent. 325 00:16:55,720 --> 00:16:58,680 And, uh… 326 00:16:58,760 --> 00:17:01,320 It's this tiny Jewish lady who charges a lot of money, 327 00:17:01,400 --> 00:17:02,840 and she gave me this. 328 00:17:03,400 --> 00:17:04,880 This is a kazoo. 329 00:17:04,960 --> 00:17:08,760 She was like, "When you can play, 'happy birthday' on the kazoo, 330 00:17:08,840 --> 00:17:11,680 you're ready for theatrical performances again." 331 00:17:11,760 --> 00:17:15,680 And I was like, "When you can do burpees on a marshmallow carpet, 332 00:17:15,760 --> 00:17:19,120 you're ready for an appendectomy, because I thought we were playing a game 333 00:17:19,200 --> 00:17:21,640 where we said fucking nonsense sentences to each other." 334 00:17:24,280 --> 00:17:26,360 This is impossible to make a noise out of. 335 00:17:27,400 --> 00:17:29,600 Doesn't happen. The noise has to come from within. 336 00:17:29,680 --> 00:17:35,360 Every day, 20 times a day, I was like… 337 00:17:35,440 --> 00:17:37,480 Do you know how many ducks have shown up to my house… 338 00:17:41,080 --> 00:17:43,760 …looking for action… 339 00:17:43,840 --> 00:17:44,880 …and received it… 340 00:17:47,560 --> 00:17:49,560 …because we are speaking the same language? 341 00:17:51,520 --> 00:17:52,560 Duck shows up, I'm like… 342 00:18:10,880 --> 00:18:12,960 You got your money's worth, right? Musical performance. 343 00:18:14,240 --> 00:18:16,720 But she was like, "Mr. Das, you've been using your voice wrong 344 00:18:16,800 --> 00:18:17,800 for 20 years." 345 00:18:17,880 --> 00:18:19,880 And I was like, "How left-wing intellectual of you." 346 00:18:21,400 --> 00:18:24,680 This is why I like the younger generation. Anybody here, 18 to 25? Make some noise. 347 00:18:24,760 --> 00:18:26,560 I like you guys. 348 00:18:26,640 --> 00:18:28,720 'Cause you're outspoken, you're not silent, you share. 349 00:18:28,800 --> 00:18:30,880 You're brave. You put yourself out there. 350 00:18:30,960 --> 00:18:32,960 We give you feedback, you get triggered, we laugh. 351 00:18:33,040 --> 00:18:35,760 That's the system. 352 00:18:35,840 --> 00:18:37,840 That's great! That's… 353 00:18:39,040 --> 00:18:41,400 That's why we… 354 00:18:41,480 --> 00:18:43,880 That's why we let you believe you have your own truth. 355 00:18:45,200 --> 00:18:48,160 Your truth is our content. 356 00:18:48,240 --> 00:18:51,160 Hi, I have two nephews. They are the generation below Gen Z. 357 00:18:51,240 --> 00:18:52,600 What are they called? 358 00:18:52,680 --> 00:18:55,400 Morons? I… 359 00:18:55,480 --> 00:18:58,040 My nephews are 14. I took them to a museum. 360 00:18:58,760 --> 00:19:00,040 My nephew is super pissed off 361 00:19:00,120 --> 00:19:03,920 that a massive European painting will not fit into his phone this way. 362 00:19:06,080 --> 00:19:08,400 And I was like, "Fucker! Just turn your phone." 363 00:19:09,400 --> 00:19:11,040 And he's like, "Virmama, you don't understand. 364 00:19:11,120 --> 00:19:12,200 The world has changed. 365 00:19:12,280 --> 00:19:13,760 Life is vertical." 366 00:19:16,600 --> 00:19:18,520 I was like, "I'm gonna change my will now." 367 00:19:20,160 --> 00:19:22,480 "I'm not gonna cut you off. I will leave you everything I have 368 00:19:22,560 --> 00:19:24,040 if you cremate me vertical." 369 00:19:27,080 --> 00:19:30,320 "With these eyes open, I wanna look down at the family while I burn, all right? 370 00:19:31,120 --> 00:19:34,000 And I want a DJ playing, like, techno music behind me, right? 371 00:19:34,080 --> 00:19:36,680 I want it to be like, sunburn meetssati, all right? And…" 372 00:19:38,440 --> 00:19:40,920 "And like, grief meets Glastonbury, all right? Like… 373 00:19:41,480 --> 00:19:43,480 Like burning man meets burning man." 374 00:19:45,320 --> 00:19:46,600 "And I want you to…" 375 00:19:47,120 --> 00:19:50,200 "…film the entire thing and upload it to Instagram, 376 00:19:50,280 --> 00:19:52,560 and just caption it, 'Vir mama! Lit!'" 377 00:19:59,960 --> 00:20:02,880 Which is almost the perfect caption for a cremation, right? 378 00:20:03,680 --> 00:20:07,200 So easily manipulated because you commodify distraction. 379 00:20:07,280 --> 00:20:08,800 All you wanna do is have the drop. 380 00:20:08,880 --> 00:20:11,600 You can do one-hour show for Gen Z with one punchline. 381 00:20:11,680 --> 00:20:12,800 "Just delay the drop!" 382 00:20:14,560 --> 00:20:17,040 "Virmama, the world has changed. Life is vertical." 383 00:20:17,760 --> 00:20:19,160 The world has changed 384 00:20:19,240 --> 00:20:23,200 The world has changed, Changed, changed, changed, Vir Mama 385 00:20:23,280 --> 00:20:26,160 Changed, changed, changed, Changed, changed, changed, Vir Mama 386 00:20:26,240 --> 00:20:28,960 Life, life, life, life, Life, life , life, life 387 00:20:29,040 --> 00:20:31,400 Life, life, life, life, life 388 00:20:31,480 --> 00:20:34,080 Is vertical 389 00:20:34,160 --> 00:20:35,400 Life is vertical 390 00:20:43,280 --> 00:20:46,000 Look at your stupid faces, right? 391 00:20:46,080 --> 00:20:48,360 All the adults are like, "What is happening?" 392 00:20:48,880 --> 00:20:50,880 "I want a refund." 393 00:20:51,480 --> 00:20:53,280 Gen Z is like, "Let him cook, bro!" 394 00:20:57,560 --> 00:21:00,480 And that is a perfect caption for a cremation. 395 00:21:03,560 --> 00:21:06,720 Then four weeks before the stadium show, I tried homeopathy. 396 00:21:06,800 --> 00:21:09,320 Anybody doesn't know what homeopathy is make some noise. 397 00:21:09,400 --> 00:21:11,080 Yeah, I'll explain. 398 00:21:11,160 --> 00:21:14,960 So, sir, a homeopath is a lonely virgin man… 399 00:21:17,240 --> 00:21:20,000 …who sits in a two-foot by two-foot room 400 00:21:20,080 --> 00:21:21,800 surrounded by white powder, all right? 401 00:21:21,880 --> 00:21:25,080 It's… It's like a closet at a Diddy party. 402 00:21:27,080 --> 00:21:29,640 And he gave me white powder to put in my fucking face. 403 00:21:29,720 --> 00:21:32,040 I was like, "What is this?" and he was like, "Doesn't matter." 404 00:21:33,400 --> 00:21:36,960 So now, eight times a day, I put white powder into my fucking face. 405 00:21:37,040 --> 00:21:39,320 I don't even do stand-up anymore. I work in finance. 406 00:21:42,200 --> 00:21:43,040 I'm an addict. 407 00:21:45,040 --> 00:21:46,640 Here's the problem with your generation. 408 00:21:46,720 --> 00:21:48,320 Um… 409 00:21:48,400 --> 00:21:50,240 You got addicted to performative validation 410 00:21:50,320 --> 00:21:51,400 on dopamine devices. 411 00:21:51,480 --> 00:21:53,400 You guys are obsessed with identity. 412 00:21:53,480 --> 00:21:54,360 Not personality. 413 00:21:54,440 --> 00:21:57,760 So, when you put yourself out there, it's what you are, not who you are. 414 00:21:57,840 --> 00:22:00,040 So, you're trying to gather and broadcast labels 415 00:22:00,120 --> 00:22:02,360 'cause they all represent shots of dopamine. 416 00:22:02,440 --> 00:22:04,480 from the internet that you're addicted to. 417 00:22:04,560 --> 00:22:06,360 So you're not justahuman being. 418 00:22:06,440 --> 00:22:09,800 You're a polyamorous, ADHD, vegan, juggler, who's religiously agnostic, 419 00:22:09,880 --> 00:22:11,400 but Avengers Adjacent, right? 420 00:22:12,000 --> 00:22:14,280 And… listen, I… I don't wanna patronize you, 421 00:22:14,360 --> 00:22:16,280 but as you get older, 422 00:22:16,360 --> 00:22:19,720 you discover that the world is really fucking basic. Right, grownups? 423 00:22:21,240 --> 00:22:24,160 Amulya, there are only two types of people in the entire world. 424 00:22:24,240 --> 00:22:25,440 There are assholes 425 00:22:26,320 --> 00:22:27,960 and there are people who deal with assholes. 426 00:22:28,040 --> 00:22:31,520 That's it. That's the entire world. 427 00:22:33,880 --> 00:22:36,880 Let's not be unevolved, there are intersectional assholes in the world. 428 00:22:37,400 --> 00:22:40,360 There are black assholes, white assholes, straight assholes, gay assholes, 429 00:22:40,440 --> 00:22:41,400 trans assholes. 430 00:22:41,480 --> 00:22:43,840 On the flipside, some vegans are nice people. 431 00:22:45,520 --> 00:22:46,440 People are nuanced. 432 00:22:46,520 --> 00:22:48,160 They're complex. Right, London? 433 00:22:48,680 --> 00:22:51,600 I'm just saying even Adolf Hitler was a dog lover. 434 00:22:51,680 --> 00:22:52,560 Remember? 435 00:22:53,040 --> 00:22:56,360 Side note. How confused do you think Hitler's dog was? 436 00:22:58,360 --> 00:23:00,600 Dog only understands visuals, not politics, right? 437 00:23:00,680 --> 00:23:02,600 If you're Hitler's dog, 438 00:23:02,680 --> 00:23:04,680 every time your dad is outside, your dad is like… 439 00:23:08,440 --> 00:23:09,800 Never throws a ball. 440 00:23:16,440 --> 00:23:18,320 Then when you're silent, what you discover is 441 00:23:18,400 --> 00:23:21,600 you make up your own sign language that nobody understands but you. 442 00:23:22,120 --> 00:23:24,400 I looked at my assistant. I wanted a decaf black and I was like… 443 00:23:24,480 --> 00:23:26,480 "I would like a decaf black." 444 00:23:30,920 --> 00:23:34,360 He was like, "What?" I'm like, "a decaf black." 445 00:23:36,200 --> 00:23:37,400 "What?" 446 00:23:38,320 --> 00:23:40,320 I was like, "Your mother is a whore." 447 00:23:42,440 --> 00:23:44,120 "You wanna a decaf black?" 448 00:23:46,480 --> 00:23:48,680 Everybody around you gets quiet as well. 449 00:23:48,760 --> 00:23:52,120 Everybody is like, "Oh, my God!" "You've lost your voice!" 450 00:23:52,640 --> 00:23:55,160 "That's so sad." 451 00:23:55,240 --> 00:23:57,200 "Would you like a decaf black?" 452 00:23:58,360 --> 00:23:59,760 "Yes!" 453 00:24:03,320 --> 00:24:06,640 And you discover that when one person breaks silence is contagious. 454 00:24:07,720 --> 00:24:08,880 And I get it because 455 00:24:08,960 --> 00:24:12,480 if you ever land into controversy by choice or not by choice, 456 00:24:12,560 --> 00:24:13,720 you become a story. 457 00:24:14,280 --> 00:24:16,920 And the problem of becoming a story is, uh… 458 00:24:17,000 --> 00:24:19,440 you're milked for attention no matter where you go. 459 00:24:19,520 --> 00:24:21,520 Every time I was in New York, 460 00:24:21,600 --> 00:24:24,680 or somewhere in the UK, a white journalist would show up and they'll be like, 461 00:24:24,760 --> 00:24:25,960 "Oh my God! 462 00:24:26,040 --> 00:24:31,400 Can we do like a 9000-word exclusive on how you're being silent on your plight?" 463 00:24:35,280 --> 00:24:36,640 "I'm sorry, my plight? 464 00:24:37,160 --> 00:24:40,440 Forgive me, madam. It feels like you need some sort of eastern-oppression story 465 00:24:40,520 --> 00:24:42,960 to feel better about where you live. All right?" 466 00:24:43,040 --> 00:24:44,920 Listen, somebody's-- 467 00:24:45,000 --> 00:24:47,560 Somebody's plight is like their erection. 468 00:24:47,640 --> 00:24:48,480 All right? 469 00:24:48,560 --> 00:24:50,960 I know it's hard to look at, but it's rude to point it out. 470 00:24:52,000 --> 00:24:54,360 And she's like, "You don't understand. Our audience is huge 471 00:24:54,440 --> 00:24:55,560 and they're gonna sympathise." 472 00:24:55,640 --> 00:24:58,920 I'm like, "My audience is small, but they're going to empathise, alright?" 473 00:24:59,000 --> 00:25:01,800 Sympathy… 474 00:25:03,080 --> 00:25:05,240 Sympathy is a porn video that you watch for pleasure. 475 00:25:05,320 --> 00:25:08,040 Empathy is an orgy. We're all getting fucked together. 476 00:25:09,600 --> 00:25:12,680 Now, listen, about 30% of you responded to that joke. 477 00:25:14,000 --> 00:25:16,000 And I need you to stay back after the show. 478 00:25:17,520 --> 00:25:18,600 That was… 479 00:25:19,080 --> 00:25:20,120 not a metaphor. 480 00:25:21,760 --> 00:25:24,040 "How's the Vir Das show?" "He does a lot of crowd work. 481 00:25:24,120 --> 00:25:27,000 It's really intense." 482 00:25:28,000 --> 00:25:32,000 I genuinely think that if you don't put them on the spot, 483 00:25:32,080 --> 00:25:33,640 if you give them a safe space, 484 00:25:33,720 --> 00:25:35,240 if you give them anonymity, 485 00:25:35,320 --> 00:25:37,880 most people will have an honest conversation. 486 00:25:37,960 --> 00:25:40,880 Tell the truth and they know right from wrong. Would you agree? 487 00:25:41,480 --> 00:25:42,960 Right? I think so. 488 00:25:44,520 --> 00:25:46,160 Let's find out. Turn the lights out, Shastri. 489 00:25:47,680 --> 00:25:49,000 Kavi, put the lights out. 490 00:25:54,560 --> 00:25:56,560 Yeah, so the Christmas tree doesn't go off. 491 00:26:02,920 --> 00:26:06,600 I have five electricians on my crew, nobody could fucking figure this out. 492 00:26:08,200 --> 00:26:10,760 And this Special is gonna come out in the summer,behenchods! 493 00:26:10,840 --> 00:26:12,800 So-- 494 00:26:19,840 --> 00:26:22,320 British people, so we be honest with each other, shall we? 495 00:26:24,520 --> 00:26:27,840 Every time something happens in your country, 496 00:26:28,360 --> 00:26:31,080 80% of the world has zero sympathy for you. 497 00:26:34,760 --> 00:26:37,560 I'm sorry. It's just not been long enough. 498 00:26:39,200 --> 00:26:41,600 You fucked around and found out for so long 499 00:26:41,680 --> 00:26:43,440 with so many countries, 500 00:26:43,520 --> 00:26:47,240 and now you have the gall to complain about too much diversity in England. 501 00:26:48,960 --> 00:26:52,200 At this point, we don't even want reparations anymore. Do we, Indian people? 502 00:26:52,720 --> 00:26:55,280 At this point, I don't want your monarch to return the Kohinoor. 503 00:26:55,360 --> 00:26:56,720 I want him to swallow it. 504 00:27:07,040 --> 00:27:09,040 Let's see if God really can save the King. 505 00:27:11,160 --> 00:27:14,000 Let's have an honest conversation right now. Do you wanna try? 506 00:27:14,080 --> 00:27:15,840 Yes! 507 00:27:15,920 --> 00:27:18,400 If we are being honest with each other, you know 508 00:27:18,480 --> 00:27:22,040 that since 2019, we've all felt monitored and monetised. 509 00:27:22,120 --> 00:27:25,640 That we are fed this story of good vs evil, 510 00:27:25,720 --> 00:27:29,440 but with every passing year it just makes less and less sense 511 00:27:29,520 --> 00:27:31,680 that we are worshiping false heroes 512 00:27:31,760 --> 00:27:33,440 and celebrating a lack of intelligence 513 00:27:33,520 --> 00:27:35,960 because of a morally bankrupt middle class 514 00:27:36,040 --> 00:27:38,480 that is obsessed with consumption and a cult of power. 515 00:27:42,800 --> 00:27:47,000 Every single Indian person here 516 00:27:47,080 --> 00:27:50,200 knows that since 2019, 517 00:27:50,800 --> 00:27:55,480 there has not been a single good Marvel movie and you know it, all right? 518 00:27:55,560 --> 00:27:58,640 These are bullshit heroes… 519 00:27:58,720 --> 00:28:00,760 …these are false stories. 520 00:28:02,040 --> 00:28:04,000 Wait, what did you guys think I was talking about? 521 00:28:06,360 --> 00:28:08,360 Guys, that's just a joke about the MCU. 522 00:28:10,200 --> 00:28:12,720 Speaking of which, right now, nobody can see you. 523 00:28:14,400 --> 00:28:15,920 Nobody. You're safe. 524 00:28:16,000 --> 00:28:17,880 Not the people above you, who ignore you. 525 00:28:17,960 --> 00:28:20,080 Not the people below you, who you ignore. 526 00:28:22,160 --> 00:28:24,200 But they can hear you. 527 00:28:24,280 --> 00:28:27,440 Just make the noise you want to be remembered for. 528 00:28:45,960 --> 00:28:48,160 As an outsider, humbly, I just wanna say, 529 00:28:48,240 --> 00:28:50,800 "I think your empire is ending." 530 00:28:53,600 --> 00:28:54,800 It feels that way. 531 00:28:55,440 --> 00:28:58,240 On the outside, you're kind of like the hot girl from high school, 532 00:28:58,320 --> 00:28:59,680 who's back at the reunion… 533 00:29:01,520 --> 00:29:04,120 …and now she's mad that everybody else is hot too. 534 00:29:05,920 --> 00:29:07,800 And China is the principal and… 535 00:29:10,240 --> 00:29:11,520 And I think I know, like, 536 00:29:11,600 --> 00:29:14,040 it's because all the smart people in your country 537 00:29:14,120 --> 00:29:16,960 behave like such corrupt assholes, you stop listening to them. 538 00:29:17,040 --> 00:29:20,280 You started listening to stupid people, who were slightly smarter than you are, 539 00:29:20,360 --> 00:29:22,920 and convinced yourself that those were the smart people. 540 00:29:23,440 --> 00:29:27,600 And now the entire world kind of looks at you the way you looked at Joe Biden. 541 00:29:34,160 --> 00:29:36,080 It's kind of like, "Ooh!" 542 00:29:38,040 --> 00:29:39,880 "He doesn't know where he is anymore." 543 00:29:42,800 --> 00:29:45,680 Let's just stay in this darkness for a second. 544 00:29:46,800 --> 00:29:50,200 In case someone has a gun. 545 00:29:52,960 --> 00:29:54,600 All right, on the lights! 546 00:30:01,200 --> 00:30:03,080 I don't think America will ever get rid of guns. 547 00:30:03,160 --> 00:30:04,280 Guns are your cricket. 548 00:30:06,000 --> 00:30:07,760 And I firmly believe that every American 549 00:30:07,840 --> 00:30:10,880 should be allowed to buy a gun at any age without an ID. 550 00:30:10,960 --> 00:30:12,280 Hang on. 551 00:30:12,360 --> 00:30:14,360 But I think you need to change your gun technology. 552 00:30:14,440 --> 00:30:16,640 I think you need to voice activate your guns. 553 00:30:17,320 --> 00:30:20,040 Every time you wanna fire a bullet, the gun will not fire 554 00:30:20,120 --> 00:30:24,320 until you say something completely and perfectly into the gun in your voice. 555 00:30:24,400 --> 00:30:27,920 And I think what you have to say is the entire 2nd Amendment. 556 00:30:29,760 --> 00:30:32,120 So, it will change gun violence forever, man. 557 00:30:32,880 --> 00:30:35,080 Americans will be like, "I'm a fucking kill you 558 00:30:35,160 --> 00:30:37,240 after I study for two weeks." 559 00:30:40,960 --> 00:30:42,480 Two weeks later, he's like, 560 00:30:42,560 --> 00:30:45,120 "In the United States of America…" 561 00:30:45,200 --> 00:30:48,320 "…a well-trained militia for the security of the state, 562 00:30:48,400 --> 00:30:50,880 the right to bear arms shall never be infringed." 563 00:30:50,960 --> 00:30:53,520 Think about how many people can run away in that much time. 564 00:30:55,640 --> 00:30:57,520 If you make Apple handle your guns, 565 00:30:57,600 --> 00:31:00,000 you will solve foreign terrorism forever. 566 00:31:00,640 --> 00:31:01,920 With Siri? 567 00:31:03,480 --> 00:31:05,640 If I show up with my accent… "Siri!" 568 00:31:07,160 --> 00:31:08,720 "…a well-trained militia for the security of the state, 569 00:31:08,800 --> 00:31:10,800 right to buy arms shall never be infringed." 570 00:31:11,520 --> 00:31:13,840 "There are five Starbucks in your area." 571 00:31:21,280 --> 00:31:24,000 Oat milk cappuccino! 572 00:31:24,080 --> 00:31:25,400 "Shoot all Filipinos?" 573 00:31:25,480 --> 00:31:26,800 "No! Hey!" 574 00:31:33,840 --> 00:31:36,200 Guys, it's a tourist visa. I'm not afraid of you. 575 00:31:36,280 --> 00:31:37,880 Do you understand? 576 00:31:42,600 --> 00:31:44,320 I'm in therapy. 577 00:31:44,400 --> 00:31:47,280 My therapist is this woman who holds a cup of chamomile tea 578 00:31:47,360 --> 00:31:50,200 two centimetres away from her face the entire session 579 00:31:50,280 --> 00:31:51,800 and never fucking sips it. 580 00:31:53,160 --> 00:31:56,160 And her taking a sip is now the only hope I have in therapy. 581 00:31:58,440 --> 00:31:59,960 Fucking Jedi! 582 00:32:00,600 --> 00:32:01,880 The other day, she's like, "Mr. Das, 583 00:32:01,960 --> 00:32:04,440 a lot of comedians have cruelty in their childhood. 584 00:32:04,520 --> 00:32:07,840 So their definition of love becomes withholding." 585 00:32:07,920 --> 00:32:11,520 And I was like, "Did you know that a lion only fucks for 30 seconds?" 586 00:32:12,280 --> 00:32:15,160 And she's like, "I didn't know." And I was like, "Good! 'Cause that means 587 00:32:15,240 --> 00:32:18,160 one of us is bringingnewinformation into this conversation." 588 00:32:21,720 --> 00:32:24,520 "Mr. Das, I'm just trying to see if you have any childhood trauma." 589 00:32:24,600 --> 00:32:27,080 I'm like, "Bitch! I grew up in India and Africa. 590 00:32:27,160 --> 00:32:30,280 My trauma has childhood." 591 00:32:32,240 --> 00:32:33,520 These are my childhood traumas. 592 00:32:33,600 --> 00:32:36,680 When I was 12 years old, a bully kicked me in my teeth so hard 593 00:32:36,760 --> 00:32:38,280 I swallowed my own tooth, 594 00:32:39,320 --> 00:32:42,760 and I was hospitalized and made to hydrate so I would poop out my own tooth, 595 00:32:42,840 --> 00:32:43,800 and I never did. 596 00:32:44,520 --> 00:32:46,280 And I'm afraid it's still in there. 597 00:32:46,920 --> 00:32:48,440 And one day, I would get an x-ray, 598 00:32:48,520 --> 00:32:52,000 and in the stomach of an adult male, they will find a 12-year-old boy's tooth. 599 00:32:54,960 --> 00:32:56,320 And they'll be like, "Mr. Das, 600 00:32:56,400 --> 00:32:58,400 what did you have for breakfast this morning?" 601 00:32:58,920 --> 00:33:00,280 I'll be like, "No, it's childhood trauma." 602 00:33:00,360 --> 00:33:02,600 and they'll be like, "Yeah, for the child you fuckin' ate." 603 00:33:03,600 --> 00:33:06,160 Listen, my parents knew about mental health problems, 604 00:33:06,240 --> 00:33:08,800 but they gave me Indian solutions. 605 00:33:09,320 --> 00:33:11,800 I'll be like, "Papa, I have crippling anxiety." 606 00:33:11,880 --> 00:33:15,400 '"Huh huh,you do jumping jacks." 607 00:33:17,040 --> 00:33:18,880 "Anxiety will jump out of your body. 608 00:33:20,040 --> 00:33:22,040 Then you take turmeric for acid reflux." 609 00:33:23,600 --> 00:33:26,680 Before the stadium show, I tried something called myofascial release. 610 00:33:26,760 --> 00:33:27,640 Has anybody tried it? 611 00:33:27,720 --> 00:33:28,880 Yeah! Yes! 612 00:33:28,960 --> 00:33:30,160 Let me tell you about this. 613 00:33:30,240 --> 00:33:31,640 I was in Copenhagen, 614 00:33:32,160 --> 00:33:36,040 and this muscular 6′ 4″, beautiful German man 615 00:33:36,120 --> 00:33:38,800 with blonde hair and blue eyes walked into my hotel room. 616 00:33:38,880 --> 00:33:41,120 I was like, "If there's more of you, you deserve a Ryke." 617 00:33:44,880 --> 00:33:46,240 And then he took his elbow, 618 00:33:46,320 --> 00:33:49,240 which was the only non-muscular part of his body, 619 00:33:49,320 --> 00:33:52,200 and shoved into my buttock and started to move it around. 620 00:33:52,720 --> 00:33:54,720 And he started to stroke my hair. 621 00:33:54,800 --> 00:33:57,840 And he was like, "You have a sadness deep inside you." 622 00:33:58,760 --> 00:34:01,680 And I was like, "No, I have a German deep inside me." 623 00:34:04,960 --> 00:34:07,960 And he was like, "Your throat chakra is fully blocked." 624 00:34:08,040 --> 00:34:12,240 And I'm like, "That's 'cause you've shoved my small intestine upwards inside it." 625 00:34:13,720 --> 00:34:15,640 And he's like, "You must let go." 626 00:34:15,720 --> 00:34:18,040 And I was like, "I feel the same about you." 627 00:34:19,160 --> 00:34:21,760 And he was like, "Release! Surrender." 628 00:34:21,840 --> 00:34:25,600 And I surrendered to these beautiful, strong German arms. 629 00:34:25,680 --> 00:34:27,200 I felt like France. 630 00:34:31,160 --> 00:34:32,560 And then, New York… 631 00:34:33,680 --> 00:34:36,320 I had this beautiful emotional release. 632 00:34:36,400 --> 00:34:38,640 It was just shattering. I… 633 00:34:38,720 --> 00:34:41,080 I didn't cry. I farted for 42 seconds. 634 00:34:43,080 --> 00:34:46,520 And then his throat chakra was blocked. 635 00:34:47,400 --> 00:34:49,760 There's just coriander everywhere in the room. 636 00:34:49,840 --> 00:34:52,920 I was mortified, right? 637 00:34:54,120 --> 00:34:58,080 So I did the one thing every Indian does when we're embarrassed abroad, right? 638 00:34:58,720 --> 00:35:01,920 I was like, "Sir, I'm from Pakistan." 639 00:35:05,520 --> 00:35:08,200 It's fine! 640 00:35:09,280 --> 00:35:11,320 Can I tell you why I went to therapy? 641 00:35:11,400 --> 00:35:14,160 -Yeah. -So I left and I did 186 shows abroad. 642 00:35:14,240 --> 00:35:15,360 Burnt myself out. 643 00:35:15,440 --> 00:35:17,320 My final show was in Singapore. 644 00:35:17,400 --> 00:35:18,880 I was flying home, first class. 645 00:35:18,960 --> 00:35:21,240 And… 646 00:35:21,320 --> 00:35:23,160 I woke up, the pursur was there and I was like, 647 00:35:23,240 --> 00:35:25,560 "How long till we land in Mumbai?" 648 00:35:26,200 --> 00:35:29,360 And he was like, "Oh, Mr. Das, this flight is to London. 649 00:35:29,440 --> 00:35:31,440 It's 10 hours to LHR." 650 00:35:33,240 --> 00:35:34,360 Fuck you! 651 00:35:35,840 --> 00:35:38,520 "Not London, Mumbai." "We are flying to Mumbai!" 652 00:35:38,600 --> 00:35:40,360 He's like, "Mr. Das, calm down right now." 653 00:35:40,440 --> 00:35:42,320 Because you know, when a brown man with a beard 654 00:35:42,400 --> 00:35:44,680 starts yelling a new destination for the plane… 655 00:35:48,720 --> 00:35:50,880 He was like, "Situation! Situation!" 656 00:35:54,640 --> 00:35:58,000 I had put a show on sale in London last minute. It had sold out. 657 00:35:58,560 --> 00:36:00,560 Right? I had bought a ticket, boarded a flight. 658 00:36:00,640 --> 00:36:03,200 Seventy-two hours of my life blacked out. 659 00:36:03,800 --> 00:36:05,080 Just gone. 660 00:36:06,040 --> 00:36:08,840 And then I got disoriented, and I started to cry 661 00:36:08,920 --> 00:36:10,160 in first class. 662 00:36:11,800 --> 00:36:12,840 It's tragic, guys. 663 00:36:14,080 --> 00:36:16,480 I cried and I drank Dom Pérignon champagne, 664 00:36:16,560 --> 00:36:17,640 and then… 665 00:36:18,800 --> 00:36:21,720 Then I whimpered and I put caviar on melba toast. 666 00:36:23,240 --> 00:36:27,000 I cried all the way to England, wishing I was India. 667 00:36:27,080 --> 00:36:28,800 I felt like Lady Mountbatten. 668 00:36:32,440 --> 00:36:34,040 A lot of you did not get that joke. 669 00:36:35,920 --> 00:36:37,720 Shall I explain? I'll explain, all right. 670 00:36:37,800 --> 00:36:40,920 So guys, caviar is fish eggs. Uh… 671 00:36:42,160 --> 00:36:44,880 Study your own history,behenchod! 672 00:36:44,960 --> 00:36:46,960 All right. Sorry, white people… 673 00:36:47,040 --> 00:36:48,360 Uh… 674 00:36:49,280 --> 00:36:52,000 Behenchod, uh… 675 00:36:52,080 --> 00:36:56,160 When you're happy,behenchodis kind of what the N-word is amongst black people. 676 00:36:56,880 --> 00:36:58,880 Right? Fair? Say, "What up,behenchod?" 677 00:36:59,800 --> 00:37:01,720 "Hey! He's mybehenchod, right?" 678 00:37:02,520 --> 00:37:06,440 But when you're unhappy,behenchod is like the N-word amongst white people. 679 00:37:09,040 --> 00:37:11,200 Look at that,behenchod. Uh… 680 00:37:11,280 --> 00:37:14,440 And I went to my therapist, and I'm like, "I'm blocking out entire days." 681 00:37:14,520 --> 00:37:15,960 "Am I crazy?" 682 00:37:16,040 --> 00:37:19,200 And she's like, "Mr. Das, it's 2024. We don't use that word anymore." 683 00:37:19,280 --> 00:37:22,080 I'm like, "I don't use dental floss. That doesn't mean it doesn't exist." 684 00:37:23,760 --> 00:37:27,440 She's like, "Mr. Das, you have a problem sitting quietly with your emotions. 685 00:37:27,520 --> 00:37:30,280 Have you ever been quiet and happy at the same time? 686 00:37:30,360 --> 00:37:32,800 Why don't you tell me a story?" 687 00:37:33,360 --> 00:37:36,080 I'm like, "I cannot believe I'm paying for storytelling." 688 00:37:37,240 --> 00:37:41,040 And then I paid her the money to tell her the story I just charged you for. 689 00:37:42,920 --> 00:37:44,400 This fuck all business model. 690 00:37:45,000 --> 00:37:46,680 Two weeks before the stadium show I broke. 691 00:37:47,840 --> 00:37:48,840 You just cry. 692 00:37:49,560 --> 00:37:51,920 And the thought that breaks you is… 693 00:37:52,520 --> 00:37:53,680 I'm a storyteller. 694 00:37:54,800 --> 00:37:56,160 What if I don't get to… 695 00:37:57,600 --> 00:37:59,280 Or what if I do and it's not as… 696 00:38:00,200 --> 00:38:02,200 You just cry silently. 697 00:38:02,760 --> 00:38:05,720 Which looks pathetic on a man. It looks like an orgasm on mute. 698 00:38:10,640 --> 00:38:12,960 It's the noise that lets you know which one it is, guys. 699 00:38:17,240 --> 00:38:20,000 I was like, "I know you can't hear me, but can you see me?" 700 00:38:20,080 --> 00:38:21,800 When I was 24 years old, 701 00:38:21,880 --> 00:38:24,320 I was an illegal immigrant in Chicago. 702 00:38:24,400 --> 00:38:25,640 I'd overstayed my visa. 703 00:38:25,720 --> 00:38:27,880 I worked in a kitchen with Mexican cooks. 704 00:38:27,960 --> 00:38:29,000 Brutal people! 705 00:38:29,600 --> 00:38:31,560 They called me, "Los plastos Kollega." 706 00:38:32,680 --> 00:38:34,680 Sometimes, I'd sleep on the train. 707 00:38:34,760 --> 00:38:37,400 My working hours were 8 a.m. to 3 a.m. and you'd freeze. 708 00:38:37,480 --> 00:38:39,440 And this guy called Sirquet taught me this trick. 709 00:38:39,520 --> 00:38:41,040 He's like, "Hey,Kollega, come here!" 710 00:38:45,280 --> 00:38:48,360 If your nipples are warm, your body will be warm. 711 00:38:48,880 --> 00:38:51,960 Then he put hot soup from the restaurant into ziplock bags, 712 00:38:52,040 --> 00:38:54,640 put every ziplock bag into a black garbage bag, 713 00:38:54,720 --> 00:38:56,280 tied them together behind my neck 714 00:38:56,360 --> 00:38:58,280 so that the soup hung over here. 715 00:38:58,360 --> 00:39:01,960 I wore a jacket and I was insulated and warm all night long. 716 00:39:02,560 --> 00:39:04,720 Everybody left me alone on the train 717 00:39:04,800 --> 00:39:07,360 because I was a brown man with gigantic tits. 718 00:39:10,960 --> 00:39:14,320 And you know, this was a couple of years before the trans conversation. 719 00:39:14,840 --> 00:39:16,240 But a couple of years after 9/11. 720 00:39:16,320 --> 00:39:18,880 So, you know, even the Mexicans were like, 721 00:39:18,960 --> 00:39:21,320 "Maybekollega…" "…terrorista." 722 00:39:22,000 --> 00:39:24,840 "Maybe… " 723 00:39:27,000 --> 00:39:28,400 "Really massive, tasty black tits." 724 00:39:28,480 --> 00:39:30,120 And… 725 00:39:30,200 --> 00:39:32,040 Some nights you wake up on the train, man. 726 00:39:32,120 --> 00:39:34,400 It's fucking beautiful. It is. 727 00:39:34,480 --> 00:39:35,440 You know. 728 00:39:35,520 --> 00:39:37,520 You've got Coldplay in your ears, 729 00:39:38,120 --> 00:39:39,680 warm soup on your nipples. 730 00:39:41,520 --> 00:39:42,840 Your head's on the window. 731 00:39:43,760 --> 00:39:45,120 You come out of a tunnel… 732 00:39:46,440 --> 00:39:48,720 you feel sunlight on your cheeks, they get warm. 733 00:39:50,640 --> 00:39:54,280 Your eyes go into this non-religious shade of orange… 734 00:40:03,880 --> 00:40:05,880 …and there's golden light on your face. 735 00:40:06,920 --> 00:40:08,040 You feel seen. 736 00:40:09,720 --> 00:40:11,640 And you can't move because there's a… 737 00:40:12,400 --> 00:40:15,280 massive homeless man sleeping on top of you. 738 00:40:18,720 --> 00:40:21,000 Now, Indian women, some of you know this… 739 00:40:24,720 --> 00:40:27,560 …having been compressed under a heavyset man. 740 00:40:28,200 --> 00:40:30,920 Don't look at him, eyes front, eyes front. Look at me right now. 741 00:40:31,640 --> 00:40:34,240 The only thing that will move that man is food, right? 742 00:40:34,320 --> 00:40:36,080 So, I put this man in the window seat. 743 00:40:36,160 --> 00:40:37,280 His name was Eugène. 744 00:40:37,360 --> 00:40:40,080 I fucking put him under the sun, and I pulled out soup. 745 00:40:40,160 --> 00:40:41,920 He laughed his ass off. 746 00:40:42,000 --> 00:40:44,320 He was like, "Hey man, what else you got in them titties?" 747 00:40:47,720 --> 00:40:50,240 And I was like, "More soup." 748 00:40:50,320 --> 00:40:51,840 And then his friends surrounded me. 749 00:40:51,920 --> 00:40:53,920 Like five black guys. I gave them all soup. 750 00:40:54,000 --> 00:40:57,240 And they all called me "a little soup titty N-word" for five hours. 751 00:40:57,960 --> 00:40:59,800 "Hey, man, look at this soup titty N-word." 752 00:40:59,880 --> 00:41:03,320 I have had Shah Rukh Khan tell me he was proud of me. 753 00:41:03,400 --> 00:41:05,560 I've had a woman call me the love of her life. 754 00:41:05,640 --> 00:41:09,120 Nothing comes close to five black guys calling you the N-word. 755 00:41:10,640 --> 00:41:13,800 It's also the most maternal I've ever felt in my life. 756 00:41:14,680 --> 00:41:16,920 You know, to pull your tit out and nourish somebody. 757 00:41:18,800 --> 00:41:21,720 Ladies, I get why you do it. 758 00:41:21,800 --> 00:41:23,600 And I told this story to my therapist, 759 00:41:23,680 --> 00:41:27,200 and my therapist was like, "Mr. Das, that was not a quiet story at all, 760 00:41:27,720 --> 00:41:29,440 and they're happier than you are," and I'm like, "Madam, 761 00:41:29,520 --> 00:41:31,840 you don't understand what I fucking do, do you?" 762 00:41:32,520 --> 00:41:36,920 Look, happiness watched is greater than happiness lived, alright? 763 00:41:37,000 --> 00:41:39,280 Do you know what every crowd has in common? 764 00:41:39,360 --> 00:41:41,560 They look different. They sound the same. 765 00:41:42,920 --> 00:41:45,280 Because happiness is a universal noise. 766 00:41:45,360 --> 00:41:47,400 A human being is just a noise. 767 00:41:47,480 --> 00:41:49,320 We die when we're silent. 768 00:41:49,400 --> 00:41:51,920 If I could take every audience member and put them in a suitcase, 769 00:41:52,000 --> 00:41:54,480 and put them up on stage with me and take them around the world, 770 00:41:54,560 --> 00:41:56,280 so that they see it like I see it, 771 00:41:56,360 --> 00:41:59,960 and feel it like I feel it, you would understand why people like stand-up. 772 00:42:00,040 --> 00:42:04,120 Nobody is watching the comedian. They're listening to the audience, 773 00:42:04,200 --> 00:42:05,640 to happiness leave their body. 774 00:42:05,720 --> 00:42:07,840 Because happiness, when yelled, 775 00:42:07,920 --> 00:42:12,360 Joy, when not protected, but joy projected is hope. 776 00:42:12,440 --> 00:42:13,760 It is strength. 777 00:42:13,840 --> 00:42:15,840 People with power understand that. 778 00:42:15,920 --> 00:42:19,800 The scariest thing to them is not the words that come out of my mouth, 779 00:42:19,880 --> 00:42:21,880 it is the noise that comes out of theirs. 780 00:42:22,400 --> 00:42:25,640 Comedians just say words, the audience tells the truth. 781 00:42:26,760 --> 00:42:28,480 And this is what I don't understand. 782 00:42:29,080 --> 00:42:32,440 Why is no one arresting the audience? 783 00:42:40,840 --> 00:42:41,920 They are the problem. 784 00:42:43,560 --> 00:42:45,200 Look at them. They're so stupid. 785 00:42:46,360 --> 00:42:49,080 So easily motivated by some eloquent flattery. 786 00:42:49,160 --> 00:42:50,600 And my therapist was like, "Mr. Das, 787 00:42:50,680 --> 00:42:53,160 you have an aggressive dis-associative disorder. 788 00:42:54,080 --> 00:42:55,960 that is motivated by extreme PTSD." 789 00:42:56,040 --> 00:42:58,600 And I was like, "You have passive-aggressive tongue twisters 790 00:42:58,680 --> 00:43:00,680 that are motivated by chamomile tea." 791 00:43:03,760 --> 00:43:06,160 She's like, "Mr. Das, your anxiety is out of control. 792 00:43:06,240 --> 00:43:07,800 I need to put you on medication. 793 00:43:07,880 --> 00:43:09,560 What're your thoughts on beta-blockers?" 794 00:43:09,640 --> 00:43:12,200 And I was like, "I believe in a woman's right to choose." 795 00:43:14,720 --> 00:43:16,960 That joke gets better if you think about it in Hindi. 796 00:43:18,160 --> 00:43:20,760 "Also, I have an addictive personality. I'm not gonna take pills." 797 00:43:20,840 --> 00:43:23,800 She's like, "All right. Then you need to work out seven days a week. 798 00:43:23,880 --> 00:43:26,560 The endorphins will carry you through your depression." 799 00:43:27,120 --> 00:43:30,560 "So I should do jumping jacks." 800 00:43:37,600 --> 00:43:41,320 She's like, "No, also take turmeric for acid reflux." 801 00:43:43,000 --> 00:43:44,480 Ladies and gentlemen… 802 00:43:47,960 --> 00:43:49,080 We're on a train. 803 00:43:49,840 --> 00:43:52,040 That's all this life is. It's a train in a fucking circle. 804 00:43:52,120 --> 00:43:55,280 And one step on that train, one stop is unhappiness 805 00:43:55,360 --> 00:43:58,520 and utter despair and sorrow and an ass whooping. 806 00:43:58,600 --> 00:44:01,160 Whether you're quiet or whether you're happy, 807 00:44:01,240 --> 00:44:04,080 or whether you're careful or whether you're reckless, 808 00:44:04,160 --> 00:44:07,720 the train will stop at that station once in your life, I promise you. 809 00:44:07,800 --> 00:44:09,760 Stick your tits out and share your soup, all right? 810 00:44:09,840 --> 00:44:11,320 That's all I'm gonna say. 811 00:44:12,000 --> 00:44:13,800 You could play every card in the book right 812 00:44:13,880 --> 00:44:16,680 and one day, for no reason, your voice will just 813 00:44:16,760 --> 00:44:17,840 go the fuck away. 814 00:44:18,680 --> 00:44:20,960 And then, one day, for no reason, it will… 815 00:44:21,040 --> 00:44:25,120 Ten days before my stadium show, something freed. 816 00:44:27,040 --> 00:44:28,400 I don't know why this happened. 817 00:44:28,480 --> 00:44:30,400 But… 818 00:44:30,480 --> 00:44:32,200 Do you know what I think freedom is? 819 00:44:32,760 --> 00:44:36,160 When you're not constantly thinking about whether you can speak, 820 00:44:36,680 --> 00:44:37,720 you can speak. 821 00:44:38,840 --> 00:44:42,080 Like, my voice came back not for doctors, or for healers. 822 00:44:42,160 --> 00:44:44,120 It came back for a food delivery guy. 823 00:44:47,960 --> 00:44:49,360 He handed me a package of food, 824 00:44:49,440 --> 00:44:53,160 and instinctively, without thinking, I was like, "Thank you,bhaisaab." 825 00:44:55,160 --> 00:44:56,200 It just came out. 826 00:44:56,880 --> 00:44:59,880 And I… I just fucking… I held him, and I… I wept. 827 00:44:59,960 --> 00:45:02,880 For 20 minutes straight, I just wept in his arms. 828 00:45:02,960 --> 00:45:05,760 And he was like, "You're very passionate about kung pao chicken." 829 00:45:10,280 --> 00:45:13,720 And I was like, "Your back is very tight. You have a sadness deep inside." 830 00:45:17,760 --> 00:45:20,160 Don't think about what you say, and it will get you into trouble. 831 00:45:20,240 --> 00:45:22,640 And when you're in trouble, do not think about what you say, 832 00:45:22,720 --> 00:45:24,160 and it will get you out of trouble. 833 00:45:24,240 --> 00:45:26,560 Here are three quick stories to end my show that prove that. 834 00:45:26,640 --> 00:45:27,480 Are you ready? 835 00:45:28,480 --> 00:45:31,040 Number one. I was 18 years old in the city of New Delhi 836 00:45:31,120 --> 00:45:32,480 on the back of a motorcycle. 837 00:45:32,560 --> 00:45:36,080 My friend Shusheel is driving us home from a Delhi party at a farmhouse 838 00:45:36,160 --> 00:45:38,120 where we have both dropped acid. 839 00:45:38,200 --> 00:45:40,920 If you've ever driven in Delhi at night, you know this, 840 00:45:41,000 --> 00:45:42,480 you do not need the acid. 841 00:45:44,840 --> 00:45:47,120 There are preexisting illusions like safety. 842 00:45:49,160 --> 00:45:50,600 We get up to a red light. 843 00:45:50,680 --> 00:45:53,400 While we're getting up to the red light, a cat crosses the road. 844 00:45:53,480 --> 00:45:55,000 It fucks with my brain. 845 00:45:55,080 --> 00:45:56,240 All of a sudden, at the red light, 846 00:45:56,320 --> 00:46:00,280 I see standing a 20-foot-tall pussycat with one eye. 847 00:46:00,360 --> 00:46:02,960 And there was light shooting out of the cat's eye. 848 00:46:03,040 --> 00:46:06,440 And the cat was morphing and dancing and changing 849 00:46:06,520 --> 00:46:10,320 and as we got closer, the cat morphed into a Delhi policeman… 850 00:46:13,040 --> 00:46:14,360 …with a torch in his hand. 851 00:46:14,880 --> 00:46:17,800 The Delhi police will shine a torch in your eyes, we know this. 852 00:46:17,880 --> 00:46:20,160 They're like, "On the off chance you haven't had an accident yet…" 853 00:46:25,360 --> 00:46:28,320 We get up to this policeman, who is 6'4", a sardar, 854 00:46:28,400 --> 00:46:30,880 and I swear to God, his name was Hunta Singh. 855 00:46:32,480 --> 00:46:35,040 And as we start to flee, he tries to flag us down. 856 00:46:35,120 --> 00:46:39,360 I'm told, 18-years old, high on acid, I make direct eye contact and go… 857 00:46:45,960 --> 00:46:49,440 If you think running away from a Delhi policeman pisses them off, 858 00:46:49,520 --> 00:46:50,680 try meowing at them. 859 00:46:52,160 --> 00:46:53,320 They go insane. 860 00:46:53,400 --> 00:46:55,440 He followed us for 3 kilometres. 861 00:46:55,520 --> 00:46:57,880 We get to another red light, and I still do not know why 862 00:46:57,960 --> 00:47:00,840 this is when my bastard friend starts following traffic laws. 863 00:47:02,920 --> 00:47:04,000 He stops. 864 00:47:04,880 --> 00:47:07,560 Hunta Singh got off and beat me with my helmet on. 865 00:47:07,640 --> 00:47:10,120 It still hurt. I was like, "What is this helmet for?" 866 00:47:10,640 --> 00:47:12,560 Then he beat me with my helmet, 867 00:47:12,640 --> 00:47:14,640 and I understood what the helmet was for. 868 00:47:15,240 --> 00:47:17,160 Then he started hitting me with his torch, 869 00:47:17,240 --> 00:47:20,320 which I thought was a magical light and kept catching with my face… 870 00:47:21,640 --> 00:47:22,760 …to taste his rainbow. 871 00:47:24,240 --> 00:47:27,720 Then, he looked at my friend, and he was like, "Show me your license." 872 00:47:27,800 --> 00:47:30,400 And my friend Susheel pulled out a learner's license. 873 00:47:31,720 --> 00:47:35,040 I don't mean to stop the show, but does that… does that joke work here? 874 00:47:35,760 --> 00:47:37,040 Yeah, let me explain, 875 00:47:37,120 --> 00:47:39,400 So, uh, guys, in India, 876 00:47:39,480 --> 00:47:42,880 on a learner's license, you're not allowed to do acid. 877 00:47:46,920 --> 00:47:49,480 Same? I see this license go past my face 878 00:47:49,560 --> 00:47:52,760 and it's got like colours and an aura and energy. 879 00:47:52,840 --> 00:47:54,040 I have an idea! 880 00:47:54,120 --> 00:47:56,120 I also pull out my learner's license. 881 00:47:57,720 --> 00:47:59,360 I'm like, "Inspector Hunta Singh, 882 00:47:59,880 --> 00:48:01,520 if we combine…" 883 00:48:06,800 --> 00:48:09,240 "…the power of two learner's licenses…" 884 00:48:10,240 --> 00:48:12,000 "…they will become a full license, sir. 885 00:48:12,960 --> 00:48:14,800 Which is like saying, if two college kids fuck each other, 886 00:48:14,880 --> 00:48:16,280 they will become a professor, sir." 887 00:48:17,760 --> 00:48:21,040 And he laughed so much, he let me go. 888 00:48:21,120 --> 00:48:23,120 Second story. 889 00:48:23,200 --> 00:48:24,680 I was 35 years old. 890 00:48:24,760 --> 00:48:26,720 I was in a nightclub in Mumbai. 891 00:48:26,800 --> 00:48:30,640 Thirty-five is old enough to know how absurd the Indian fighting ritual is. 892 00:48:31,880 --> 00:48:35,000 I bumped up against this alpha male when I was dancing, right? 893 00:48:35,080 --> 00:48:36,040 Bro got angry. 894 00:48:36,120 --> 00:48:38,240 He was like, "Bro! Are you okay?" 895 00:48:40,240 --> 00:48:42,040 I was really smashed. 896 00:48:42,120 --> 00:48:44,120 I was like, "Yeah, it's really soft." 897 00:48:45,640 --> 00:48:46,680 Bro went insane. 898 00:48:47,200 --> 00:48:50,120 He was like, "Fucker! Meet me outside after this song." 899 00:48:54,080 --> 00:48:55,240 After this song? Then… 900 00:48:55,320 --> 00:48:57,920 Then for four minutes, we just awkwardly danced… 901 00:48:59,440 --> 00:49:00,880 …while making eye contact 902 00:49:01,440 --> 00:49:03,200 until "Tunak Tunak Tuun" finished, 903 00:49:04,200 --> 00:49:06,240 which is the longest song in the world. 904 00:49:06,320 --> 00:49:07,560 Legit, yo. 905 00:49:07,640 --> 00:49:11,600 This is one out of five choruses of Daler Mehndi's masterpiece. 906 00:49:11,680 --> 00:49:14,080 Tunak tunak tuun, tunak tunak tuun Tunak tunak tuun 907 00:49:14,160 --> 00:49:16,640 Tunak tunak tuun, tunak tunak tuun Tunak tunak tuun 908 00:49:16,720 --> 00:49:18,880 Tunak tunak tuun, tunak tunak tuun Tunak tunak tuun 909 00:49:18,960 --> 00:49:22,360 Fucking tunak tunak tuun, Tunak tunak tuun tunak tunak tuun 910 00:49:22,440 --> 00:49:24,040 Then it goes higher. 911 00:49:24,120 --> 00:49:26,680 Tunak tunak tuun, Tunak tunak tuun tunak tunak tuun 912 00:49:26,760 --> 00:49:28,720 Tunak tunak tuun, Tunak tunak tuun tunak tunak tuun 913 00:49:28,800 --> 00:49:31,760 Tunak tunak tuun, Tunak tunak tuun tunak tunak tuun 914 00:49:31,840 --> 00:49:34,440 Tunak tunak tuun, Tunak tunak tuun tunak tunak tuun 915 00:49:34,520 --> 00:49:35,720 Then it goes lower. 916 00:49:35,800 --> 00:49:38,480 Tunak tunak tuun, Tunak tunak tuun tunak tunak tuun 917 00:49:38,560 --> 00:49:40,920 Tunak tunak tuun, Tunak tunak tuun tunak tunak tuun 918 00:49:41,000 --> 00:49:43,760 Last one.Tunak tunak tuun, Tunak tunak tuun tunak tunak tuun 919 00:49:43,840 --> 00:49:46,920 I lied.Tunak tunak tuun, Tunak tunak tuun tunak tunak tuun 920 00:49:47,000 --> 00:49:48,040 Fuck the song! 921 00:49:48,120 --> 00:49:51,160 Think about the emotional journey we just went through right now. 922 00:49:51,680 --> 00:49:52,720 So they don't fight first. 923 00:49:52,800 --> 00:49:54,800 First, they will stand around in a circle 924 00:49:54,880 --> 00:49:57,760 and tell you how many people in your family they will fuck. 925 00:49:58,920 --> 00:50:01,960 I'll fuck your mother, your sister, your brother. 926 00:50:02,480 --> 00:50:04,560 I will fuck your mother, father, gardener, 927 00:50:04,640 --> 00:50:06,000 your executive assistant. 928 00:50:06,840 --> 00:50:10,920 I'm like, "Am I needed for this?" 929 00:50:11,000 --> 00:50:12,960 "You have a concrete plan, bro!" 930 00:50:14,480 --> 00:50:15,760 "I feel like…" 931 00:50:16,560 --> 00:50:19,240 "I feel like we're just gathering to abuse a family." 932 00:50:19,840 --> 00:50:21,400 The fight began, right? 933 00:50:21,480 --> 00:50:22,920 Fucking, I thought I'd land a punch. 934 00:50:23,000 --> 00:50:25,600 This Punjabi guy stuck his chest against my chest 935 00:50:25,680 --> 00:50:28,000 and started rubbing his chest against my chest. 936 00:50:28,760 --> 00:50:29,920 I was like, "Sir!" 937 00:50:31,480 --> 00:50:33,680 My nipples do not know the difference 938 00:50:34,320 --> 00:50:36,720 between sensual friction and aggressive friction. 939 00:50:37,920 --> 00:50:41,400 He got both of them equally perky like a cathode-anode situation. 940 00:50:43,120 --> 00:50:45,120 Then he stuck his fucking face to my face. 941 00:50:45,200 --> 00:50:47,360 His pupil touched my pupil, 942 00:50:47,440 --> 00:50:49,200 and he saw my memories, all right? 943 00:50:50,120 --> 00:50:52,000 He was like, "Is there a tooth in your stomach?" 944 00:50:58,280 --> 00:51:00,480 Then he fucking started breathing hot air into my mouth. 945 00:51:00,560 --> 00:51:02,880 I started breathing hot air into his, 946 00:51:02,960 --> 00:51:04,480 just becoming the thing I despise, 947 00:51:04,560 --> 00:51:06,720 which is how I feel about elections in India. 948 00:51:07,680 --> 00:51:09,800 Then he was like, "What will you do? Will you do something? 949 00:51:09,880 --> 00:51:12,280 Do it, fucker! I want you to do it!" 950 00:51:12,360 --> 00:51:14,680 Which translates to, "Do it! I want you to do it! 951 00:51:14,760 --> 00:51:16,680 Please do it. Do something. Do it! Do it now!" 952 00:51:21,960 --> 00:51:23,160 So I licked his ear. 953 00:51:26,320 --> 00:51:27,840 It was right there. 954 00:51:28,840 --> 00:51:32,040 I was like, "This is not confrontation. This is consent." 955 00:51:32,640 --> 00:51:34,480 Oh, don't you judge my palate, all right? 956 00:51:34,560 --> 00:51:37,840 You have Bombay sandwiches from Mithibai. That's ball-scratching bread, all right? 957 00:51:42,360 --> 00:51:45,360 And a wave of confusion went over that man's face. 958 00:51:45,440 --> 00:51:48,920 You just saw him realise, "I don't know if we are fucking or fighting!" 959 00:51:49,000 --> 00:51:51,000 Which is how I feel about elections in India. 960 00:51:52,640 --> 00:51:55,440 And he went to his friends and he's like, "But he isthat." 961 00:51:56,880 --> 00:51:59,200 Translation, "But he is that." 962 00:51:59,280 --> 00:52:02,720 You've ever been so confused, your grammar deserts your homophobia? 963 00:52:03,760 --> 00:52:05,000 And then we didn't even fight. 964 00:52:05,080 --> 00:52:07,480 We just went inside and danced for four more hours. 965 00:52:07,560 --> 00:52:09,840 Fuck me. 966 00:52:11,120 --> 00:52:14,280 I just wanna take you in. There are four minutes left in the show right now. 967 00:52:15,000 --> 00:52:16,160 You know, I… 968 00:52:16,240 --> 00:52:18,240 I came to Mumbai with a suitcase 969 00:52:18,320 --> 00:52:21,640 and no contacts, no money, no comedy scene, 970 00:52:21,720 --> 00:52:24,920 and there's a stadium here today. 971 00:52:28,120 --> 00:52:29,120 And then, 972 00:52:30,000 --> 00:52:31,000 you have a voice again. 973 00:52:31,080 --> 00:52:32,960 I did both shows. 974 00:52:33,680 --> 00:52:36,200 Right before the show, you're standing backstage at a church, 975 00:52:36,280 --> 00:52:39,720 you're putting your foot up on the stadium and 976 00:52:40,640 --> 00:52:42,000 your voice is different. 977 00:52:42,600 --> 00:52:47,240 And when I say your voice is different, I mean your voice is different. 978 00:52:47,760 --> 00:52:49,920 Six weeks ago, I didn't know if I was gonna be here on stage. 979 00:52:50,000 --> 00:52:53,840 This is insane, you know the-- 980 00:52:58,800 --> 00:53:02,000 I was watching that… you know, you remember Freddie Mercury inLive Aid, 981 00:53:02,080 --> 00:53:04,880 where he had no voice and he's like… 982 00:53:04,960 --> 00:53:07,200 Oh shit! 983 00:53:09,920 --> 00:53:10,880 It's not the same. 984 00:53:13,000 --> 00:53:17,760 And there's this whole other Special that Netflix paid you lot of money to do, 985 00:53:17,840 --> 00:53:20,720 where you thought about everything that you wanted to say, 986 00:53:21,440 --> 00:53:25,080 and you just don't feel like thinking that much. 987 00:53:25,960 --> 00:53:27,080 All you can think is just… 988 00:53:27,160 --> 00:53:29,960 -Behenchod! -Behenchod! 989 00:53:30,040 --> 00:53:32,240 -Behenchod! -Behenchod! 990 00:53:32,320 --> 00:53:35,320 Behenchod! Behenchod! 991 00:53:35,400 --> 00:53:36,800 -Behenchod! -Behenchod! 992 00:53:36,880 --> 00:53:38,160 -Behenchod! -Behenchod! 993 00:53:38,240 --> 00:53:45,240 Behenchod! 994 00:53:46,040 --> 00:53:51,560 Behenchod! 995 00:53:51,640 --> 00:53:53,520 I was summoned by the Mumbai police. 996 00:53:56,680 --> 00:53:59,200 I was accused of stealing a joke from myself. 997 00:53:59,280 --> 00:54:01,360 This is very confusing. 998 00:54:01,440 --> 00:54:03,080 I wrote two shows about India, 999 00:54:03,160 --> 00:54:05,880 and they both had one common topic with different jokes. 1000 00:54:05,960 --> 00:54:10,000 Right? So I had to go and explain joke structure to the Mumbai police. 1001 00:54:10,520 --> 00:54:12,880 Which I'm about to explain to you now. Are you ready, yeah? 1002 00:54:13,400 --> 00:54:15,320 Mumbai, every joke has three parts. 1003 00:54:15,400 --> 00:54:18,000 Number one, undeniable factual information. 1004 00:54:18,080 --> 00:54:21,000 Number two, a premise. Number three, a punchline. Observe. 1005 00:54:21,640 --> 00:54:23,520 Undeniable factual information. 1006 00:54:23,600 --> 00:54:26,320 Not all nipples are the same size. 1007 00:54:27,400 --> 00:54:28,760 Right? Here's a premise. 1008 00:54:28,840 --> 00:54:31,720 My nipples are like India and Pakistan. 1009 00:54:33,040 --> 00:54:34,280 Punchline. 1010 00:54:34,800 --> 00:54:38,480 They used to be a lot close, but over the years, they just grew apart. 1011 00:54:39,040 --> 00:54:41,040 It's an okay joke. I'm just illustrating… 1012 00:54:41,120 --> 00:54:42,600 By the way, any Pakistani people here? 1013 00:54:42,680 --> 00:54:43,720 Yes! 1014 00:54:43,800 --> 00:54:47,080 Listen, I love you guys. You're always welcome in my show, alright? 1015 00:54:47,600 --> 00:54:49,200 Don't put this on social media. 1016 00:54:54,160 --> 00:54:56,040 What's your name, buddy from Pakistan? 1017 00:54:56,120 --> 00:54:57,040 Shehzaad. 1018 00:54:57,120 --> 00:55:00,160 Shehzaad, I do believe that one day our countries will be friends. 1019 00:55:00,240 --> 00:55:01,960 I do believe that. Genuinely. Yeah. 1020 00:55:02,040 --> 00:55:04,560 Uh-- 1021 00:55:04,640 --> 00:55:05,640 I don't know. I just… 1022 00:55:07,600 --> 00:55:10,640 We just gotta find some common… enemy. 1023 00:55:14,240 --> 00:55:16,240 Let's go blow up the Maldives together, huh? 1024 00:55:17,240 --> 00:55:18,520 Fuck the Maldives. 1025 00:55:18,600 --> 00:55:21,160 Fucking, both our navies together, Shehzaad. Let's do it, alright? 1026 00:55:21,240 --> 00:55:23,520 Sixty-five of our ships, two of your jet skis… 1027 00:55:31,120 --> 00:55:33,600 Even Shehzaad is like, "Two jet skis, huh?" 1028 00:55:35,520 --> 00:55:36,600 The point… 1029 00:55:36,680 --> 00:55:38,680 The point I'm trying to make is in a different joke, 1030 00:55:38,760 --> 00:55:40,160 part one never changes. 1031 00:55:40,240 --> 00:55:41,960 Observe, Mumbai, here's a different joke. 1032 00:55:42,040 --> 00:55:45,520 Undeniable factual information, "Not all nipples…" 1033 00:55:45,600 --> 00:55:46,880 "…are the same." 1034 00:55:46,960 --> 00:55:50,680 Here's a different premise. My nipples are like politics in India. 1035 00:55:51,960 --> 00:55:54,040 Punchline. 1036 00:55:54,120 --> 00:55:56,680 For as long as I can remember, 1037 00:55:56,760 --> 00:55:58,760 the right is way more sensitive. 1038 00:55:59,800 --> 00:56:01,840 Now, that-- 1039 00:56:07,480 --> 00:56:10,720 That joke is very easy to explain to a comedy crowd in a stadium. 1040 00:56:10,800 --> 00:56:13,800 Very tough to explain to the Mumbai police at 8 o'clock in the morning. 1041 00:56:14,320 --> 00:56:16,240 My lawyer and I are getting our files together 1042 00:56:16,320 --> 00:56:19,240 in front of this Mumbai policeman called Inspector Tapse. 1043 00:56:20,080 --> 00:56:22,000 He wants to get our attention. He's like, "Hey!" 1044 00:56:26,040 --> 00:56:29,400 Immediately, every molecule in my body just goes, "Daddy!" 1045 00:56:31,600 --> 00:56:34,000 And he looks at me and he's like, "These jokes you do… 1046 00:56:34,600 --> 00:56:35,680 Are they funny?" 1047 00:56:45,560 --> 00:56:48,720 "Inspector Tapse, it's like, not all nipples…" I do the entire routine. 1048 00:56:49,280 --> 00:56:52,600 I look at my lawyer who looks like she wants to quit the profession of law 1049 00:56:53,120 --> 00:56:56,160 because her client is pinching his nipples in a police station. 1050 00:56:56,240 --> 00:56:57,200 Zero response. 1051 00:56:57,280 --> 00:57:00,200 Now, when a joke's not going well, a comedian turns the gun on themselves. 1052 00:57:00,280 --> 00:57:01,600 That's how you get the crowd. 1053 00:57:01,680 --> 00:57:05,640 So I'm like, "Inspector Tapse, why am I actually going to jail for jokes? 1054 00:57:05,720 --> 00:57:08,480 Please just give me two months to commit a real crime." 1055 00:57:10,560 --> 00:57:13,160 "And grow a real beard because I am too tiny 1056 00:57:13,240 --> 00:57:14,640 and too pretty for jail, sir. 1057 00:57:14,720 --> 00:57:16,480 I will be humped in 15 minutes." 1058 00:57:17,920 --> 00:57:20,480 Finally, this man laughs. I get the laugh. 1059 00:57:20,560 --> 00:57:23,040 He's like, "You? You will be humped in one minute." 1060 00:57:26,000 --> 00:57:29,440 "Wait. I will be humpedinone minute, or I will be humpedforone minute?" 1061 00:57:29,520 --> 00:57:32,400 And he said, "Both." 1062 00:57:33,120 --> 00:57:36,120 "But listen, you cannot copyright topics in India. 1063 00:57:36,200 --> 00:57:39,680 I'm gonna take your statement. Tell me everything you said in Marathi." 1064 00:57:42,160 --> 00:57:43,120 I don't… 1065 00:57:44,480 --> 00:57:45,440 So I'm like, 1066 00:57:50,680 --> 00:57:53,160 My chest testicles… 1067 00:57:57,440 --> 00:57:59,840 My chest testicles are different… 1068 00:57:59,920 --> 00:58:02,280 …heavy. 1069 00:58:02,360 --> 00:58:04,120 He's like, "Okay." 1070 00:58:04,880 --> 00:58:06,840 "West Mumbai and East Mumbai…" 1071 00:58:11,000 --> 00:58:13,000 "Coke studio, tunak tunak. 1072 00:58:14,440 --> 00:58:18,080 Me, man, man, man… 1073 00:58:18,160 --> 00:58:20,600 testies spread, spread, spread." 1074 00:58:22,600 --> 00:58:25,200 He's like, "You should do that on stage. It's very relatable." 1075 00:58:26,920 --> 00:58:28,640 I'm like, "Yeah, but it's not really global." 1076 00:58:28,720 --> 00:58:31,040 He said, "Don't be silly. Indian comedy is not global." 1077 00:58:32,400 --> 00:58:34,000 He writes it all down. 1078 00:58:34,080 --> 00:58:36,320 Every word. 1079 00:58:36,400 --> 00:58:39,360 He's like, "Now I need to confiscate your passport. Hand it over." 1080 00:58:40,200 --> 00:58:41,160 I hand it over. 1081 00:58:41,680 --> 00:58:44,440 He puts it five feet away, inside a file, 1082 00:58:45,240 --> 00:58:47,480 under this paper where some jokes are written. 1083 00:58:50,000 --> 00:58:53,840 "You lose your passport. God has taken your passport, man." 1084 00:58:54,520 --> 00:58:55,520 I prayed 1085 00:58:56,120 --> 00:58:57,280 in that police station. 1086 00:58:58,080 --> 00:59:00,600 And when I'm laughing… When I'm desperate, I laugh. 1087 00:59:00,680 --> 00:59:02,520 And he's like, "Is something funny?" 1088 00:59:03,480 --> 00:59:05,360 I'm like, "Inspector Tapse, 1089 00:59:05,440 --> 00:59:09,320 you're writing my joke down word for word in your file. 1090 00:59:10,960 --> 00:59:12,080 Technically…" 1091 00:59:18,440 --> 00:59:20,080 "…that's copyright infringement." 1092 00:59:28,680 --> 00:59:30,240 And he laughs. 1093 00:59:30,800 --> 00:59:32,560 He's like, "You'll write a joke about anything, huh?" 1094 00:59:32,640 --> 00:59:35,200 I'm like, "Sir, if you let me." 1095 00:59:35,840 --> 00:59:38,120 "Sir, I don't know, but I promise you when I write the joke, 1096 00:59:38,200 --> 00:59:39,600 I will be the punchline." 1097 00:59:40,160 --> 00:59:42,680 -"And what about me?" -"Sir, you will be an undeniable fact." 1098 00:59:42,760 --> 00:59:43,960 I promise you. 1099 00:59:46,040 --> 00:59:48,920 "Sir, please, I just need--" 1100 00:59:55,680 --> 00:59:57,040 "I will never forget this. 1101 00:59:57,800 --> 00:59:58,680 Thank you." 1102 01:00:01,320 --> 01:00:02,960 "You make me look good." 1103 01:00:09,800 --> 01:00:13,200 "I'm gonna make you look like a God." 1104 01:00:31,440 --> 01:00:32,560 "Go now. 1105 01:00:33,800 --> 01:00:34,760 Are you happy?" 1106 01:00:46,240 --> 01:00:48,160 I wanted to do this before we leave, because, you know, 1107 01:00:48,240 --> 01:00:50,360 um, I was told I have to. 1108 01:01:27,160 --> 01:01:31,280 Life, life, life, life, Life, life, life is vertical 1109 01:01:33,160 --> 01:01:34,880 Life, life, life is, life is 1110 01:01:36,080 --> 01:01:38,200 Vir mama, Vir mama, life is 1111 01:01:39,600 --> 01:01:41,320 Life, life, life is, life is 1112 01:01:42,400 --> 01:01:44,120 Life, life is, life is vertical 1113 01:01:44,200 --> 01:01:47,280 Life, life, life, life, life The world is changing 1114 01:01:47,360 --> 01:01:50,480 Life, life, life, life, life, life Vir mama, Vir mama 1115 01:01:50,560 --> 01:01:52,280 Life, life, life, life World is changing 1116 01:01:52,360 --> 01:01:53,720 Life, life, life, The world is changing 1117 01:01:53,800 --> 01:01:55,280 Life, life, life, life, life 1118 01:01:55,360 --> 01:01:57,360 The world is changing Life is vertical 1119 01:01:58,840 --> 01:02:00,680 Life, life, life, life is, life is 1120 01:02:01,800 --> 01:02:03,840 Vir mama, Vir mama, life is 1121 01:02:05,240 --> 01:02:07,160 Life, life, life, life is , life is 1122 01:02:08,240 --> 01:02:09,800 Life is, life, life is vertical 1123 01:02:09,880 --> 01:02:13,000 Life, life, life, life, life The world is changing 1124 01:02:13,080 --> 01:02:16,160 Life, life, life, life, life, life Vir mama, Vir mama 1125 01:02:16,240 --> 01:02:19,400 Life, life, life, life The world is changing 1126 01:02:19,480 --> 01:02:21,760 Life, life, life, life The world is changing 1127 01:02:21,840 --> 01:02:22,960 Life is vertical 1128 01:02:24,480 --> 01:02:26,320 Life, life, life, life is, life is 1129 01:02:27,480 --> 01:02:29,320 Vir mama, Vir mama, life is 1130 01:02:30,920 --> 01:02:32,640 Life, life, life, life is, life is 1131 01:02:33,880 --> 01:02:35,520 Life is, life is, life is vertical 1132 01:02:35,600 --> 01:02:38,680 Life, life, life, life, life The world is changing 1133 01:02:38,760 --> 01:02:41,840 Life, life, life, life, life, life Vir mama, Vir mama 1134 01:02:41,920 --> 01:02:45,040 Life, life, life, life, life The world is changing 1135 01:02:45,120 --> 01:02:47,440 Life, life, life, life The world is changing 1136 01:02:47,520 --> 01:02:48,480 Life is vertical 1137 01:02:50,160 --> 01:02:52,000 Life, life, life, life is, life is 1138 01:02:53,120 --> 01:02:54,840 Vir mama, Vir mama, life is 1139 01:02:56,560 --> 01:02:58,400 Life, life, life, life is, life is 1140 01:02:59,520 --> 01:03:01,080 Life is, life is, life is vertical 1141 01:03:01,160 --> 01:03:04,440 Life, life, life, life, life The world is changing 1142 01:03:04,520 --> 01:03:07,520 Life, life, life, life, life, life Vir mama, Vir mama 1143 01:03:07,600 --> 01:03:10,760 Life, life, life, life, life The world is changing 1144 01:03:10,840 --> 01:03:14,000 Life, life, life, life, life, life The world is changing, Vir mama 1145 01:03:14,080 --> 01:03:17,120 Life, life, life, life, life The world is changing 1146 01:03:17,200 --> 01:03:19,480 Life, life, life, life, life The world is changing 1147 01:03:19,560 --> 01:03:20,960 Life is vertical 1148 01:03:21,305 --> 01:04:21,704