Zoolander

1 00:00:06,000 --> 00:00:12,074 2 00:00:43,877 --> 00:00:44,938 {\an8}NEWSCASTER: Here in Malaysia, 3 00:00:44,962 --> 00:00:47,089 {\an8}there is an almost overwhelming sense of euphoria, 4 00:00:47,172 --> 00:00:49,132 {\an8}as the newly-elected prime minister 5 00:00:49,216 --> 00:00:51,885 {\an8}has given this impoverished nation the gift of hope, 6 00:00:51,969 --> 00:00:54,596 {\an8}promising to raise the substandard minimum wage 7 00:00:54,680 --> 00:00:56,723 {\an8}and end child labor once and for all. 8 00:00:56,807 --> 00:00:58,850 {\an8}Already considered a living saint, 9 00:00:58,934 --> 00:01:01,353 {\an8}he has become this small country's greatest hope, 10 00:01:01,436 --> 00:01:03,313 {\an8}for a thriving future in the new millennium. 11 00:01:06,275 --> 00:01:08,235 MAN: (EXCLAIMS) Get closer, Jaco. 12 00:01:08,694 --> 00:01:11,905 This is disgusting. How could you let this happen? 13 00:01:12,698 --> 00:01:15,909 JACO MUGATU: I have negotiated my butt off, Giorgio. 14 00:01:15,993 --> 00:01:19,746 I've tried bribes, I've tried gifts. I even sent him some pet oxen. 15 00:01:19,830 --> 00:01:24,376 I mean, they love that crap in Malaysia, but he won't budge. 16 00:01:24,459 --> 00:01:26,503 WOMAN: Listen, 50% of my inventory 17 00:01:26,587 --> 00:01:29,423 is manufactured in sweatshops on the Malaysian border. 18 00:01:29,506 --> 00:01:31,258 Something has got to be done. 19 00:01:31,800 --> 00:01:33,885 MAN: If Malaysia goes, what is next? 20 00:01:33,969 --> 00:01:36,930 My entire panty line is made in Vietnam. 21 00:01:37,014 --> 00:01:38,807 We'll all go bankrupt within a year. 22 00:01:39,224 --> 00:01:42,019 The Malaysian must be eliminated, Mugatu. 23 00:01:43,186 --> 00:01:46,523 What? No, I don't have time for this. 24 00:01:46,857 --> 00:01:48,001 WOMAN 2: Perhaps you'd rather go back 25 00:01:48,025 --> 00:01:50,736 to turning out novelty neckties in Hackensack. 26 00:01:50,944 --> 00:01:53,071 But my new fall line is almost due. 27 00:01:53,488 --> 00:01:56,575 And I trust you would like to live to see your spring line, as well? 28 00:01:56,700 --> 00:01:57,868 (WHIMPERS) 29 00:01:57,951 --> 00:02:01,204 The Malaysian prime minister visits New York in 14 days. 30 00:02:01,955 --> 00:02:03,290 Do it then. 31 00:02:03,373 --> 00:02:06,835 Fourteen days? That's Fashion Week. It's impossible! I have a show! 32 00:02:06,918 --> 00:02:09,963 It's perfect. Invite him to be your guest of honor. 33 00:02:10,047 --> 00:02:13,008 That's not enough time. It takes months to train an operative. 34 00:02:13,800 --> 00:02:16,178 What about Fabio? Hmm? 35 00:02:16,511 --> 00:02:21,391 Too smart. This is a rush job. He's got to be extremely dim-witted. 36 00:02:21,725 --> 00:02:25,479 - You know the profile, Jacobim. - WOMAN: A beautiful, self-absorbed, 37 00:02:25,562 --> 00:02:28,857 simpleton who can be manipulated and molded like Jell-O. 38 00:02:29,316 --> 00:02:30,776 Or cookie dough. 39 00:02:31,068 --> 00:02:33,362 - Or Play-Doh. - Any kind of dough. 40 00:02:33,862 --> 00:02:40,243 The point is, we need an empty vessel, a shallow, dumb, vacuous moron. 41 00:02:40,619 --> 00:02:42,996 And when he's finished, we'll dispose of him. 42 00:02:43,288 --> 00:02:44,498 But who? 43 00:02:44,790 --> 00:02:46,833 I mean, where in all of God's green goodness, 44 00:02:46,917 --> 00:02:50,337 am I gonna find someone that beef-headed? 45 00:02:52,714 --> 00:02:55,842 Derek, I just have a few more questions, if that's okay. 46 00:02:55,926 --> 00:02:57,010 DEREK: Cool. 47 00:02:57,094 --> 00:02:59,596 So when did you know you wanted to be a model? 48 00:03:00,222 --> 00:03:01,532 DEREK: I guess it would have to be 49 00:03:01,556 --> 00:03:03,725 the first time I went through the second grade. 50 00:03:03,809 --> 00:03:07,104 I caught my reflection in a spoon while I was eating my cereal, 51 00:03:07,187 --> 00:03:10,273 and I remember thinking, "Wow, you're ridiculously good-looking. 52 00:03:10,691 --> 00:03:13,610 - "Maybe you could do that for a career." - Do what? 53 00:03:13,860 --> 00:03:16,613 - Be professionally good-looking. - Right. 54 00:03:17,072 --> 00:03:19,408 What would you say your trademark is, if you have one? 55 00:03:19,491 --> 00:03:22,828 DEREK: Well, I guess the look I'm best known for is Blue Steel. 56 00:03:22,911 --> 00:03:24,371 What's that look like? 57 00:03:27,958 --> 00:03:29,126 That's impressive. 58 00:03:30,460 --> 00:03:32,921 And then there's Ferrari and Le Tigre. 59 00:03:33,004 --> 00:03:36,258 Le Tigre's a lot softer. It's a bit more of a catalogue look. 60 00:03:36,341 --> 00:03:39,344 - I use it for footwear sometimes. - Can I see that? 61 00:03:43,640 --> 00:03:45,100 (<i>CALL ME</i> PLAYING) 62 00:03:50,856 --> 00:03:52,649 Look, without Derek Zoolander, 63 00:03:52,733 --> 00:03:55,026 male modeling wouldn't be what it is today. 64 00:03:55,110 --> 00:03:56,737 He is a fashion icon. 65 00:03:56,820 --> 00:03:59,156 So, do you spend a lot of time working on these looks, 66 00:03:59,239 --> 00:04:00,615 thinking about them? 67 00:04:00,699 --> 00:04:04,995 Sure. I've been working on Magnum for at least eight or nine years. 68 00:04:05,078 --> 00:04:08,081 "Magnum"? That's intriguing. Can I see that? 69 00:04:08,457 --> 00:04:11,418 Are you kidding? I shouldn't even be talking about it. 70 00:04:11,835 --> 00:04:13,086 It's nowhere near ready. 71 00:04:13,837 --> 00:04:18,258 It's almost like there's a light around him. He exudes beauty. 72 00:04:18,341 --> 00:04:20,421 I think about Derek every time I design a collection. 73 00:04:20,469 --> 00:04:22,387 Derek, I don't know if you're familiar 74 00:04:22,471 --> 00:04:24,556 with the belief that some aboriginal tribes hold. 75 00:04:24,639 --> 00:04:28,602 It's the concept that a photo might steal a part of your soul. 76 00:04:28,685 --> 00:04:29,871 What are your thoughts on that, 77 00:04:29,895 --> 00:04:32,564 as someone who gets his picture taken for a living? 78 00:04:32,647 --> 00:04:37,194 MAN: <i>That Blue Steel look he does? Oh, my gosh! The style and the hair.</i> 79 00:04:37,944 --> 00:04:41,615 You know, it's almost like the new afro for the white man, but it's beautiful. 80 00:04:41,698 --> 00:04:45,035 Well, I guess I would have to answer your question with another question. 81 00:04:46,203 --> 00:04:48,955 How many "abo-digitals" do you see modeling? 82 00:04:50,207 --> 00:04:51,392 REPORTER: Ladies and gentlemen, 83 00:04:51,416 --> 00:04:52,852 welcome to the fashion industry's biggest night, 84 00:04:52,876 --> 00:04:54,044 the VH1 Fashion Awards. 85 00:04:59,007 --> 00:05:01,468 <i>There he is, three-time Male Model of the Year,</i> 86 00:05:01,551 --> 00:05:03,220 <i>Derek Zoolander.</i> 87 00:05:03,303 --> 00:05:04,638 He's like music. 88 00:05:04,721 --> 00:05:06,157 REPORTER: <i>Proud owner of Blue Steel,</i> 89 00:05:06,181 --> 00:05:08,308 <i>the look that made him the legend he now is.</i> 90 00:05:08,391 --> 00:05:10,352 He's almost too good-looking. 91 00:05:10,435 --> 00:05:11,603 Hey, Paco! 92 00:05:11,728 --> 00:05:17,400 That would be my main deterrent in considering a relationship. 93 00:05:26,785 --> 00:05:27,953 REPORTER: <i>And that's who</i> 94 00:05:28,036 --> 00:05:30,196 <i>Derek Zoolander is defending his title against tonight.</i> 95 00:05:31,081 --> 00:05:32,791 <i>Hansel.</i> 96 00:05:32,874 --> 00:05:35,252 - Hansel, right here! - All right, all right. 97 00:05:35,669 --> 00:05:37,754 <i>The rookie sensation who has burned his way</i> 98 00:05:37,838 --> 00:05:39,923 <i>into the eye sockets of the fashion world,</i> 99 00:05:40,048 --> 00:05:42,259 <i>and left them clawing their faces for more.</i> 100 00:05:43,009 --> 00:05:46,096 Mugatu sucks! Support the prime minister! 101 00:05:46,263 --> 00:05:49,432 Mugatu uses slave labor! 102 00:05:51,518 --> 00:05:52,936 Down with Mugatu! 103 00:05:53,019 --> 00:05:56,064 REPORTER: You hate to see something like that at an event like this. 104 00:05:56,189 --> 00:05:58,984 Ugly protesters bothering beautiful people. 105 00:05:59,067 --> 00:06:02,779 There's no denying Jacobim Mugatu has used cheap Malaysian workers 106 00:06:02,863 --> 00:06:06,199 to make his, and most of the garment industry's, clothes. 107 00:06:06,700 --> 00:06:09,494 - Derek! Derek! - Hey, Steve, how are you doing? 108 00:06:09,578 --> 00:06:12,873 You're going for your fourth straight Male Model of the Year award tonight. 109 00:06:12,956 --> 00:06:14,416 Come on. Are you nervous? 110 00:06:14,499 --> 00:06:16,602 Well, there are couple of little butterflies in my basket, 111 00:06:16,626 --> 00:06:18,128 but I think I'm doing okay. 112 00:06:18,211 --> 00:06:20,891 We also hear you're working on a new look. Can you tell us about it? 113 00:06:21,089 --> 00:06:23,967 Actually, I can't, Steve, because it's not yet perfected. 114 00:06:24,050 --> 00:06:26,011 But I can tell you that it's called Magnum and... 115 00:06:26,094 --> 00:06:27,637 Shut, baby, shut! 116 00:06:27,721 --> 00:06:29,848 If I tell you anything else, this guy's gonna kill me. 117 00:06:29,931 --> 00:06:31,571 Got that right. How are you doing, Steven? 118 00:06:31,641 --> 00:06:34,895 {\an8}- Maury Ballstein, Balls Models. - A man who needs no introduction. 119 00:06:34,978 --> 00:06:38,398 Maury, you've handled every important male model for the last 30 years. 120 00:06:38,481 --> 00:06:40,734 - Derek's chances tonight? - Let me tell you something. 121 00:06:40,817 --> 00:06:43,862 Nobody can touch Derek. Nobody! I gotta get inside. 122 00:06:43,945 --> 00:06:46,990 I'm shvitzing like a shmendrick with all these lights. 123 00:06:55,332 --> 00:06:58,376 Derek! Derek! Are you worried about Hansel? 124 00:06:59,669 --> 00:07:02,047 Not as much as I'm worried about Gretel. 125 00:07:02,464 --> 00:07:05,216 Hey, put that Hansel and Gretel line in your article. 126 00:07:05,300 --> 00:07:07,010 I want people to know how funny I can be. 127 00:07:07,093 --> 00:07:09,804 Oh, believe me, they'll know. It hits newsstands tomorrow. 128 00:07:09,888 --> 00:07:12,933 Excuse me, Mr. Mugatu. Mr. Mugatu, Matilda Jeffries. 129 00:07:13,016 --> 00:07:14,225 <i>Time</i> magazine. 130 00:07:14,309 --> 00:07:16,603 Any comment on Prime Minister Hassan's wage increases 131 00:07:16,686 --> 00:07:18,980 - for Malaysian garment workers? - No, he has no comment. 132 00:07:19,064 --> 00:07:20,499 Why don't you let him speak for himself? 133 00:07:20,523 --> 00:07:23,109 Isn't it true you'd like to see the prime minister out of power 134 00:07:23,193 --> 00:07:25,273 so you can continue exploiting cheap Malaysian labor? 135 00:07:25,320 --> 00:07:29,074 Hey, Mugatu! Screw you and your little dog, too! 136 00:07:29,157 --> 00:07:31,368 - Look out! She's got an egg! - (DOG YELPS) 137 00:07:31,451 --> 00:07:33,578 PROTESTER: Oh, my God! Let go of me! 138 00:07:33,662 --> 00:07:35,080 Yes! 139 00:07:36,206 --> 00:07:37,207 Yes. 140 00:07:37,999 --> 00:07:39,042 Wow. 141 00:07:39,793 --> 00:07:42,295 I just can't tell you how much this means to me, 142 00:07:42,379 --> 00:07:44,881 to be the first recipient of this beautiful award. 143 00:07:44,965 --> 00:07:47,717 We have a serious problem on our hands, Maury. 144 00:07:48,009 --> 00:07:50,553 This Malaysian thing is getting out of hand. 145 00:07:50,637 --> 00:07:51,972 I hear you, Jaco. 146 00:07:52,055 --> 00:07:54,933 What this, the Slashie, mean, 147 00:07:55,016 --> 00:07:58,520 is you consider me the best actor slash model, 148 00:07:59,229 --> 00:08:00,855 and not the other way around. 149 00:08:02,899 --> 00:08:05,652 His proposed wage increase could ruin all of us. 150 00:08:05,735 --> 00:08:08,571 I need it taken care of soon. I have people to answer to. 151 00:08:10,532 --> 00:08:12,051 All right, now to the important stuff. 152 00:08:12,075 --> 00:08:14,536 These ain't no slashes, folks. 153 00:08:14,619 --> 00:08:16,287 These are the pure breeds. 154 00:08:16,746 --> 00:08:20,000 Here are the nominees for Male Model of the Year. 155 00:08:20,750 --> 00:08:23,003 COMMENTATOR: <i>Young, hot, brash.</i> 156 00:08:23,086 --> 00:08:26,881 <i>With more covers in his first year than any rookie model ever</i> 157 00:08:26,965 --> 00:08:30,510 <i>and an attitude that says, "Who cares? It's only fashion."</i> 158 00:08:30,593 --> 00:08:33,221 That Hansel's so hot right now. 159 00:08:34,097 --> 00:08:37,308 HANSEL: <i>I hear a lot of words like "beauty" and "handsomeness,"</i> 160 00:08:37,392 --> 00:08:39,019 <i>and "incredibly chiseled features."</i> 161 00:08:39,102 --> 00:08:41,980 To me, that's like a vanity, a self-absorption, 162 00:08:42,063 --> 00:08:44,232 that I try to steer clear of. 163 00:08:44,315 --> 00:08:47,360 <i>I dig the bungee. For me, it's just the way I live my life.</i> 164 00:08:47,444 --> 00:08:50,030 I grip it and I rip it. I live it with a lot of flair. 165 00:08:50,113 --> 00:08:52,907 <i>I live it on the edge, where I gotta be.</i> 166 00:08:52,991 --> 00:08:57,328 <i>I wasn't like every other kid, who dreams about being an astronaut.</i> 167 00:08:57,454 --> 00:09:02,250 I was always more interested in what bark was made out of on a tree. 168 00:09:03,626 --> 00:09:06,046 Richard Gere's a real hero of mine. Sting. 169 00:09:06,129 --> 00:09:07,881 <i>Sting would be another person who's a hero.</i> 170 00:09:07,964 --> 00:09:09,674 The music that he's created over the years, 171 00:09:09,758 --> 00:09:11,217 I don't really listen to it, 172 00:09:11,301 --> 00:09:13,678 but the fact that he's making it, I respect that. 173 00:09:14,512 --> 00:09:16,222 <i>I care desperately about what I do.</i> 174 00:09:16,306 --> 00:09:20,268 Do I know what product I'm selling? No. Do I know what I'm doing today? No. 175 00:09:20,351 --> 00:09:23,813 But I'm here, and I'm gonna give it my best shot. 176 00:09:23,897 --> 00:09:25,398 {\an8}(COMMENTATOR READS) 177 00:09:31,446 --> 00:09:33,364 <i>Over the past decade,</i> 178 00:09:33,490 --> 00:09:36,951 <i>male modeling has had a shadow cast over it by one man</i> 179 00:09:37,035 --> 00:09:38,620 <i>and five syllables,</i> 180 00:09:38,703 --> 00:09:41,206 <i>Derek Zoolander.</i> 181 00:09:42,832 --> 00:09:45,668 DEREK: <i>Modeling, to me, isn't just about being good-looking,</i> 182 00:09:45,752 --> 00:09:49,339 <i>or having a lot of fun and being really, really good-looking.</i> 183 00:09:49,506 --> 00:09:51,066 {\an8}(ANNOUNCER SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE) 184 00:09:53,676 --> 00:09:55,011 (GRUNTING) 185 00:09:55,345 --> 00:09:56,846 {\an8}DEREK: <i>The calendar was great,</i> 186 00:09:56,930 --> 00:09:59,682 {\an8}<i>because it gave people a chance to see a side of my versatility.</i> 187 00:09:59,766 --> 00:10:03,937 <i>The original Greek word for model means "misshapen ball of clay",</i> 188 00:10:04,020 --> 00:10:06,457 <i>and I try to think about that every time I get in front of a camera.</i> 189 00:10:06,481 --> 00:10:08,942 COMMENTATOR: <i>Three-time Male Model of the Year.</i> 190 00:10:09,400 --> 00:10:10,902 {\an8}(COMMENTATOR READS) 191 00:10:19,452 --> 00:10:21,371 And the award goes to 192 00:10:26,543 --> 00:10:27,877 Hansel. 193 00:10:29,546 --> 00:10:30,839 <i>Hansel.</i> 194 00:10:32,382 --> 00:10:33,842 <i>Hansel.</i> 195 00:10:37,804 --> 00:10:38,805 <i>Hansel.</i> 196 00:10:44,060 --> 00:10:45,770 Thank you, Lenny. 197 00:10:48,231 --> 00:10:49,315 {\an8}Wow! 198 00:10:50,775 --> 00:10:53,903 You know, a lot of people said winning this award 199 00:10:54,112 --> 00:10:56,072 four years in a row couldn't happen. 200 00:10:57,073 --> 00:10:58,658 Well, I guess I showed... 201 00:10:59,159 --> 00:11:00,535 (INAUDIBLE) 202 00:11:01,077 --> 00:11:02,078 Aiy! 203 00:11:14,632 --> 00:11:17,594 I think we've found our solution, Ballstein. 204 00:11:18,469 --> 00:11:20,680 No, not Derek. 205 00:11:20,805 --> 00:11:23,433 He's perfect, and you know it. Now make it happen. 206 00:11:25,435 --> 00:11:28,354 It stings me like a fissure in my ass, but you're right. 207 00:11:28,438 --> 00:11:29,856 He's ready. 208 00:11:50,960 --> 00:11:52,128 Who am I? 209 00:11:53,296 --> 00:11:54,464 I don't know. 210 00:11:55,840 --> 00:11:58,134 I guess I have a lot of things to ponder. 211 00:11:58,551 --> 00:11:59,636 (CAR HONKS) 212 00:11:59,719 --> 00:12:02,263 Hey, the results are in, <i>amigo!</i> 213 00:12:02,472 --> 00:12:04,307 What's left to ponder? Whoo! 214 00:12:07,101 --> 00:12:08,895 Nice comeback! 215 00:12:10,146 --> 00:12:13,107 (<i>I STARTED A JOKE</i> BY THE WALLFLOWERS PLAYING) 216 00:13:23,511 --> 00:13:24,804 (GRUNTS) I can't stand Hansel! 217 00:13:25,138 --> 00:13:26,180 I know, right? 218 00:13:26,264 --> 00:13:28,558 Riding in on that scooter like he's so cool. 219 00:13:28,725 --> 00:13:31,936 - And the way Hansel combs his hair. - Or, like, doesn't. 220 00:13:32,103 --> 00:13:36,357 It's like, "'Ex-squeeze' me, but have you ever heard of styling gel?" 221 00:13:36,691 --> 00:13:39,402 I'm sure Hansel's heard of styling gel. He's a male model. 222 00:13:39,736 --> 00:13:41,654 Earth to Brint. I was making a joke. 223 00:13:41,779 --> 00:13:44,907 Earth to Meekus. Duh, okay? I knew that. 224 00:13:45,241 --> 00:13:47,285 Earth to Brint. I'm not so sure you did 225 00:13:47,368 --> 00:13:50,288 'cause you were all, "Well, I'm sure he's heard of styling gel." 226 00:13:50,371 --> 00:13:52,415 Like you didn't know it was a joke. 227 00:13:53,750 --> 00:13:56,470 BRINT: I knew it was a joke, Meekus. I just didn't get it right away. 228 00:13:56,502 --> 00:13:58,921 - Earth to Brint... - DEREK: Would you guys stop it already! 229 00:14:00,423 --> 00:14:02,675 Did you ever think that maybe there's more to life 230 00:14:02,759 --> 00:14:07,555 than being really, really, really, ridiculously good-looking? 231 00:14:09,599 --> 00:14:11,100 I mean, maybe we should be doing 232 00:14:11,184 --> 00:14:13,227 something more meaningful with our lives. 233 00:14:14,270 --> 00:14:15,646 Like helping people. 234 00:14:17,106 --> 00:14:18,649 Derek, what people? 235 00:14:19,984 --> 00:14:22,862 I don't know. People who need help. 236 00:14:23,821 --> 00:14:27,533 Models help people. They make them feel good about themselves. 237 00:14:27,617 --> 00:14:31,287 They also show them how to dress cool, and wear their hair in interesting ways. 238 00:14:32,080 --> 00:14:33,456 I guess so. 239 00:14:33,790 --> 00:14:36,959 You know what could really help you sort through these important issues? 240 00:14:37,085 --> 00:14:38,127 What? 241 00:14:38,961 --> 00:14:41,714 - Orange mocha frappuccino! - Orange mocha frappuccino! 242 00:14:43,383 --> 00:14:44,759 - Yeah! - Yeah! 243 00:14:45,051 --> 00:14:47,303 Come on, man! Come on! 244 00:14:47,637 --> 00:14:50,181 (<i>WAKE ME UP BEFORE YOU GO-GO</i> PLAYING) 245 00:15:56,539 --> 00:15:59,917 {\an8}"Derek Zoolander. A model idiot." 246 00:16:19,061 --> 00:16:20,521 - Brint! - Huh? 247 00:16:20,605 --> 00:16:21,731 No! 248 00:16:34,410 --> 00:16:38,247 Rufus, Brint and Meekus were like brothers to me. 249 00:16:38,915 --> 00:16:42,668 And when I say brother, I don't mean like an actual brother, 250 00:16:42,752 --> 00:16:45,004 but I mean it like the way black people use it, 251 00:16:46,506 --> 00:16:47,924 which is more meaningful, I think. 252 00:16:48,841 --> 00:16:52,261 If there's anything that this horrible tragedy can teach us, 253 00:16:52,386 --> 00:16:56,182 it's that a male model's life is a precious, precious commodity. 254 00:16:56,724 --> 00:17:01,687 Just because we have chiseled abs, and stunning features, 255 00:17:02,647 --> 00:17:07,401 it doesn't mean that we too can't not die in a freak gasoline fight accident. 256 00:17:08,819 --> 00:17:12,365 So today, ladies and gentlemen, I would like to take this opportunity, 257 00:17:12,448 --> 00:17:15,326 to announce my... 258 00:17:15,451 --> 00:17:17,245 (DANCE MUSIC PLAYING) 259 00:17:23,209 --> 00:17:26,254 Hansel. He's so hot right now. Hansel. 260 00:17:27,129 --> 00:17:28,881 I would like to take this... 261 00:17:28,965 --> 00:17:30,550 (MUSIC CONTINUES) 262 00:17:30,633 --> 00:17:32,051 People! 263 00:17:32,134 --> 00:17:33,278 - (TAPS PULPIT) - (MUSIC STOPS) 264 00:17:33,302 --> 00:17:36,430 I'd like to announce my retirement from the male modeling profession. 265 00:17:38,015 --> 00:17:39,183 What? 266 00:17:40,142 --> 00:17:44,480 I'm pretty sure there's a lot more to life than being really, really good-looking. 267 00:17:44,897 --> 00:17:47,400 And I plan on finding out what that is. Thank you. 268 00:17:47,483 --> 00:17:49,819 Mr. Mugatu! Mr. Mugatu! 269 00:17:49,902 --> 00:17:52,113 If I could just have a moment of your time, please, sir. 270 00:17:52,196 --> 00:17:54,699 Just one minute of your time, please, sir! 271 00:17:56,576 --> 00:17:58,786 Derek? Derek, hey! 272 00:17:58,911 --> 00:18:02,081 - What do you want? - Actually, I'm trying to talk to Mugatu, 273 00:18:02,164 --> 00:18:04,250 but he's tougher to get to than the president. 274 00:18:04,333 --> 00:18:07,253 Oh, I thought you were gonna tell me what a bad "eugoogolizer" I am. 275 00:18:07,336 --> 00:18:08,504 A what? 276 00:18:09,255 --> 00:18:11,924 A "eugoogolizer." One who speaks at funerals. 277 00:18:14,135 --> 00:18:16,846 Or did you think I'd be too stupid to know what a "eugoogoly" was? 278 00:18:17,513 --> 00:18:18,723 (CLEARS THROAT) 279 00:18:18,806 --> 00:18:21,087 How could you have written those terrible things about me? 280 00:18:21,142 --> 00:18:23,978 Look, Derek, my editor put that headline on it, okay? 281 00:18:24,061 --> 00:18:26,856 I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I know it came off kind of harsh. 282 00:18:27,148 --> 00:18:29,468 Yeah, well, fortunately for you, not too many people I know 283 00:18:29,525 --> 00:18:32,403 read your little <i>Time</i> magazine, or whatever it's called. 284 00:18:32,486 --> 00:18:34,614 Look, maybe you could do me a favor. 285 00:18:34,697 --> 00:18:37,992 All I'm trying to do is get some background information on Mugatu. 286 00:18:38,075 --> 00:18:40,036 Mugatu? If you knew anything, 287 00:18:40,119 --> 00:18:42,997 you'd know Mugatu's the one designer who's never hired me. 288 00:18:43,205 --> 00:18:44,373 Come on. There's gotta be... 289 00:18:44,457 --> 00:18:46,584 Sorry, lady. Not interested. 290 00:18:46,667 --> 00:18:49,795 Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got an after funeral party to attend. 291 00:18:50,254 --> 00:18:51,797 (ENGINE STARTS) 292 00:18:54,216 --> 00:18:56,135 MAURY: Go back home? You're overreacting. 293 00:18:56,218 --> 00:18:58,618 DEREK: I want to do something meaningful with my life, Maury. 294 00:18:58,846 --> 00:19:00,973 I have deeper thoughts on my mind. 295 00:19:01,057 --> 00:19:03,225 The other day, I was thinking about volunteering, 296 00:19:03,309 --> 00:19:06,145 to help teach underprivileged children to learn how to read. 297 00:19:06,228 --> 00:19:09,857 Just thinking about it was the most rewarding experience I've ever had. 298 00:19:09,940 --> 00:19:12,002 Derek, I don't think you're cut out for that kind of thing. 299 00:19:12,026 --> 00:19:14,445 I mean, maybe I could even have my own institute. 300 00:19:14,528 --> 00:19:18,949 We could call it the Derek Zoolander Center for Kids Who Can't Read 301 00:19:19,575 --> 00:19:20,660 Good. 302 00:19:20,743 --> 00:19:22,953 What about us? We built this place together. 303 00:19:23,037 --> 00:19:24,747 Look out! Tushy squeeze! 304 00:19:25,122 --> 00:19:26,123 Maury! 305 00:19:26,290 --> 00:19:28,376 Derek, when I met you, you were a junior petite 306 00:19:28,459 --> 00:19:30,378 who couldn't book a goddamn Sears catalogue, 307 00:19:30,461 --> 00:19:32,296 and who couldn't turn left to save his ass. 308 00:19:32,380 --> 00:19:35,424 - Now look at you. - I can turn left! 309 00:19:35,925 --> 00:19:37,134 MAURY: Yeah, right. 310 00:19:37,259 --> 00:19:39,845 Derek, please. Some male models go left at the end of a runway, 311 00:19:39,929 --> 00:19:41,055 others go right. 312 00:19:41,138 --> 00:19:44,225 You got a lot of gifts, but hanging a louie just isn't one of them. 313 00:19:44,308 --> 00:19:45,601 Sit down! 314 00:19:47,269 --> 00:19:49,438 Hey, you want to hear some great news? 315 00:19:49,563 --> 00:19:51,524 (VOCALIZES FANFARE TUNE) 316 00:19:53,776 --> 00:19:56,946 Mugatu wants you for his new campaign. 317 00:19:57,113 --> 00:20:00,199 Didn't you hear me, Maury? I just retired. 318 00:20:00,282 --> 00:20:02,243 But this is Mugatu, Derek. 319 00:20:02,618 --> 00:20:04,620 Right now, this guy is so hot, 320 00:20:04,745 --> 00:20:08,207 he can take a crap, wrap it in tin foil, put a couple of fishhooks on it, 321 00:20:08,290 --> 00:20:10,751 and sell it to Queen Elizabeth as earrings. 322 00:20:13,337 --> 00:20:17,133 {\an8}Derek, you're the laughing stock of the entire fashion world. 323 00:20:19,009 --> 00:20:22,805 What do we do when we fall off the horse? 324 00:20:25,182 --> 00:20:26,517 (MOUTHING) 325 00:20:28,811 --> 00:20:30,771 We get back on. 326 00:20:32,314 --> 00:20:35,192 Sorry, Maury. I'm not a gymnast. 327 00:20:36,026 --> 00:20:39,447 I'm going back home. I need to get in touch with my roots. 328 00:20:39,530 --> 00:20:42,450 Figure out who I am. See you around, Maury. 329 00:20:49,790 --> 00:20:52,001 (<i>HE AIN'T HEAVY, HE'S MY BROTHER</i> PLAYING) 330 00:21:14,607 --> 00:21:15,775 Hey, Pop! 331 00:21:21,989 --> 00:21:23,115 It's me. 332 00:21:25,534 --> 00:21:27,578 Scrappy, Luke, 333 00:21:29,330 --> 00:21:30,790 you remember your brother, right? 334 00:21:31,332 --> 00:21:32,500 What do you want? 335 00:21:33,876 --> 00:21:36,545 I thought maybe I could work the mines with you guys. 336 00:21:36,712 --> 00:21:38,923 You know, all the Zoolander men together again, 337 00:21:39,006 --> 00:21:40,591 like when we were kids. 338 00:21:41,175 --> 00:21:42,343 Times have changed, boy. 339 00:21:42,426 --> 00:21:44,720 You wouldn't last one day down those coal pits. 340 00:21:45,471 --> 00:21:48,349 Can't you even pretend to be happy to see me, Pop? 341 00:21:48,724 --> 00:21:52,728 Damn it, Derek, I'm a coal miner, not a professional film and television actor. 342 00:21:54,188 --> 00:21:56,065 Do us all a favor and 343 00:21:58,108 --> 00:21:59,735 get out of here. 344 00:22:01,570 --> 00:22:03,364 Pop, wait, please! 345 00:22:03,739 --> 00:22:05,074 Give me a chance. 346 00:22:06,659 --> 00:22:08,661 I won't let you down. I promise. 347 00:22:15,251 --> 00:22:20,506 Hold very still. Very still. I'm working right now. This... 348 00:22:21,257 --> 00:22:23,050 - Ouch! - (AGITATED) Oh, I'm sorry. 349 00:22:23,133 --> 00:22:25,386 Did my pin get in the way of your ass? 350 00:22:25,761 --> 00:22:28,556 (SHOUTING) Do me a favor and lose five pounds immediately, 351 00:22:28,639 --> 00:22:30,766 or get out of my building like now! 352 00:22:30,933 --> 00:22:32,268 Get out! 353 00:22:32,768 --> 00:22:35,521 I'm so tired! No, Todd, not now! 354 00:22:35,604 --> 00:22:36,856 It's Maury. 355 00:22:37,481 --> 00:22:38,774 Tell me something good. 356 00:22:38,941 --> 00:22:40,860 You may have to start looking for someone else. 357 00:22:41,235 --> 00:22:44,780 There is no one else. The show is in 10 days, Ballstein. 358 00:22:45,072 --> 00:22:47,199 Jaco, I hear you, but the kid's mixed up. 359 00:22:47,283 --> 00:22:50,119 He went home. He's talking about going off to ponder 360 00:22:50,202 --> 00:22:52,621 and tutoring underprivileged retards or some shit. 361 00:22:52,705 --> 00:22:55,666 I don't care what it takes. Get him back. 362 00:22:55,791 --> 00:22:58,043 We're running out of time. <i>Capisce?</i> 363 00:22:58,127 --> 00:23:01,130 Yeah, I <i>capisce.</i> Now if I could only ca-piss. 364 00:23:01,213 --> 00:23:04,758 My prostate's flaring up like a frickin' tiki torch. 365 00:23:05,426 --> 00:23:09,471 Give me a little pee-pee. Come on, a couple of drops. 366 00:23:09,597 --> 00:23:10,806 (MAURY SIGHS) 367 00:23:11,307 --> 00:23:13,642 That's what I'm talking about! 368 00:23:14,059 --> 00:23:16,312 (<i>WORKING FOR THE WEEKEND</i> PLAYING) 369 00:23:38,000 --> 00:23:39,209 (GRUNTS) 370 00:23:47,509 --> 00:23:48,677 Surprise! 371 00:23:48,844 --> 00:23:50,054 (GASPS) 372 00:23:56,018 --> 00:23:57,645 What the hell's the matter with you? 373 00:24:09,657 --> 00:24:11,533 COMMENTATOR ON TV: <i>Pacheco back to pass.</i> 374 00:24:11,617 --> 00:24:13,369 <i>He's feeling pressure from Pressman.</i> 375 00:24:13,452 --> 00:24:15,597 <i>He's looking for his All-American John DeRosa, the wide receiver.</i> 376 00:24:15,621 --> 00:24:17,474 <i>He's got him wide open in the middle of the field.</i> 377 00:24:17,498 --> 00:24:19,041 <i>Big rush.</i> 378 00:24:19,166 --> 00:24:20,960 Who's winning the match? 379 00:24:21,043 --> 00:24:23,295 <i>Hits Kevin Connolly, the tight end down in there.</i> 380 00:24:23,379 --> 00:24:24,713 State. 381 00:24:24,797 --> 00:24:26,590 (COUGHS PATHETICALLY) 382 00:24:29,468 --> 00:24:32,137 I think I'm getting the black lung, Pop. 383 00:24:32,221 --> 00:24:34,473 It's not very well ventilated down there. 384 00:24:34,556 --> 00:24:36,976 For Christ's sake, Derek, you've been down there one day. 385 00:24:37,059 --> 00:24:39,603 Talk to me in 30 years. 386 00:24:50,155 --> 00:24:53,158 <i>Moisture is the essence of wetness,</i> 387 00:24:56,912 --> 00:25:01,750 <i>and wetness is the essence of beauty.</i> 388 00:25:12,261 --> 00:25:15,597 Why'd you have to come back to this damn town? 389 00:25:16,765 --> 00:25:19,143 I wanted to make a new life for myself. 390 00:25:20,019 --> 00:25:22,646 I'm sorry I was born with this perfect bone structure. 391 00:25:22,771 --> 00:25:25,274 That my hair looks better done up with gel and mousse 392 00:25:25,399 --> 00:25:27,985 than hidden under a stupid hat with a light on it! 393 00:25:29,111 --> 00:25:32,364 All I ever wanted to do was make you proud of me, Pop. 394 00:25:32,906 --> 00:25:35,117 With what? Your male modeling? 395 00:25:35,784 --> 00:25:37,369 Prancing around in your underwear 396 00:25:37,453 --> 00:25:39,830 with your wiener hanging out for everyone to see? 397 00:25:43,959 --> 00:25:45,127 You're dead to me, boy. 398 00:25:47,254 --> 00:25:50,674 You're more dead to me than your dead mother. 399 00:25:52,468 --> 00:25:55,804 I just thank the Lord she didn't live to see her son as a mermaid. 400 00:25:59,641 --> 00:26:00,934 Merman. 401 00:26:02,811 --> 00:26:04,938 (COUGHS PATHETICALLY) 402 00:26:06,065 --> 00:26:07,316 Merman! 403 00:26:17,159 --> 00:26:18,911 Who am I? 404 00:26:19,078 --> 00:26:20,954 (MOBILE PHONE RINGING) 405 00:26:30,380 --> 00:26:33,050 MAURY: <i>Hello? Derek, you hearing me?</i> 406 00:26:33,425 --> 00:26:35,219 - God? <i>- God?</i> 407 00:26:35,344 --> 00:26:38,263 <i>What the shit are you talking about? It's me. Maury.</i> 408 00:26:38,347 --> 00:26:40,027 <i>I hope you're finished touching your roots,</i> 409 00:26:40,099 --> 00:26:42,768 <i>because Mugatu's making you an offer you won't believe.</i> 410 00:26:42,851 --> 00:26:44,603 <i>You gotta get your</i> tuches <i>back here.</i> 411 00:26:49,775 --> 00:26:53,403 Well, to tell you the truth, I was a little hesitant at first, Mr. Mugatu. 412 00:26:53,695 --> 00:26:57,866 I mean, you've never hired me before, and I've been around for... 413 00:26:57,950 --> 00:27:00,369 For ages and ages. You've been around for a long, long time. 414 00:27:00,452 --> 00:27:01,721 I never wanted anything from you. 415 00:27:01,745 --> 00:27:03,914 And now that you're retired, I can't have you. 416 00:27:03,997 --> 00:27:05,637 And it's funny how it switches like that. 417 00:27:06,041 --> 00:27:08,460 But now the forbidden fruit must be tasted. 418 00:27:09,002 --> 00:27:11,713 Well, when Maury told me what you were willing to do, I... 419 00:27:11,797 --> 00:27:13,006 (DOG BARKING) 420 00:27:13,090 --> 00:27:14,174 (GASPS) 421 00:27:15,384 --> 00:27:16,385 Todd! 422 00:27:16,927 --> 00:27:20,556 Are you not aware that I get farty and bloated with a foamy latte? 423 00:27:20,973 --> 00:27:22,808 My mistake, Jacobim. 424 00:27:23,225 --> 00:27:24,393 Your mistake, indeed! 425 00:27:35,779 --> 00:27:36,864 Yes, Derek. 426 00:27:38,407 --> 00:27:41,076 What Maury said I was willing to do for you. 427 00:27:41,410 --> 00:27:44,496 Let's get back to the reason that we're really here. 428 00:27:47,249 --> 00:27:49,877 Without much further ado, I give you 429 00:27:51,420 --> 00:27:53,620 the Derek Zoolander Center for Kids Who Can't Read Good. 430 00:28:05,267 --> 00:28:06,643 (WHISPERING) What is this? 431 00:28:10,981 --> 00:28:13,025 A center for ants? 432 00:28:13,692 --> 00:28:14,776 What? 433 00:28:18,572 --> 00:28:21,867 How can we be expected to teach children to learn how to read, 434 00:28:21,950 --> 00:28:24,953 if they can't even fit inside the building? 435 00:28:26,997 --> 00:28:29,708 - Derek, it's just a small... - I don't want to hear your excuses! 436 00:28:30,125 --> 00:28:32,628 The center has to be at least 437 00:28:34,755 --> 00:28:36,798 three times bigger than this. 438 00:28:39,551 --> 00:28:43,180 - He's absolutely right. - Thank you. 439 00:28:44,264 --> 00:28:45,474 I have a vision. 440 00:28:45,891 --> 00:28:49,186 And so do I. Let me show you mine. 441 00:28:50,103 --> 00:28:52,814 I can't help you, lady. I don't know nothing about Mugatu. 442 00:28:53,106 --> 00:28:55,666 But you've represented every male model in each of his campaigns. 443 00:28:55,692 --> 00:28:57,694 You must have some kind of a relationship with him. 444 00:28:57,778 --> 00:28:59,863 Even if I did, why would I talk to you? 445 00:28:59,988 --> 00:29:03,075 Shame on you how you picked on Derek Zoolander in that story. 446 00:29:03,158 --> 00:29:05,494 He's a sweet simpleton who never hurt a fly. 447 00:29:05,577 --> 00:29:08,121 Please don't change the subject, Mr. Ballstein. 448 00:29:08,205 --> 00:29:11,166 What about Mugatu's exploitation of sweatshop workers in Malaysia? 449 00:29:11,250 --> 00:29:13,690 - Do you have an opinion on that? - You wanna hear an opinion? 450 00:29:13,752 --> 00:29:16,755 With a push-up bra, you could have a nice rack of lamb going on there. 451 00:29:17,422 --> 00:29:20,842 Let me show you the future of fashion. 452 00:29:22,219 --> 00:29:24,012 Let me show you 453 00:29:25,389 --> 00:29:27,057 Derelicte! 454 00:29:27,432 --> 00:29:29,601 It is a fashion, a way of life, 455 00:29:29,685 --> 00:29:32,604 inspired by the very homeless, the vagrants, 456 00:29:32,688 --> 00:29:34,773 the crack whores 457 00:29:34,856 --> 00:29:36,858 that make this wonderful city so unique. 458 00:29:38,193 --> 00:29:41,029 And I want you, Derek, to be the face, 459 00:29:41,113 --> 00:29:45,158 the image, nay, the spirit of Derelicte! 460 00:29:46,451 --> 00:29:48,662 It'll be your glorious comeback. 461 00:29:48,745 --> 00:29:50,372 Sounds cool. 462 00:29:50,455 --> 00:29:55,127 Derek, I'd like you to meet Katinka Ingabogovinanana. 463 00:29:55,711 --> 00:29:58,297 She'll be your day-to-day on the campaign. 464 00:29:59,464 --> 00:30:01,675 Let's get this model on his way! 465 00:30:02,384 --> 00:30:04,636 {\an8}<i>The big show is in eight days, Derek.</i> 466 00:30:05,095 --> 00:30:11,226 {\an8}<i>Like a caterpillar becomes a butterfly, so must you become Derelicte!</i> 467 00:30:11,310 --> 00:30:13,270 DEREK: <i>So you want me to sleep in the gutter?</i> 468 00:30:13,353 --> 00:30:16,273 MUGATU: <i>No. We're sending you to a very exclusive day spa.</i> 469 00:30:16,982 --> 00:30:21,486 <i>So exclusive, no one knows about it. Our little secret, okay?</i> 470 00:30:29,619 --> 00:30:31,830 - Matilda, hey. - Hey, Arch, what's up? 471 00:30:31,913 --> 00:30:33,553 Nothing. I've just been up for a few days, 472 00:30:33,582 --> 00:30:36,501 putting together these background articles on Mugatu you asked for. 473 00:30:36,585 --> 00:30:39,338 Wow! Very thorough, Archie. Thank you. 474 00:30:39,755 --> 00:30:42,674 It's weird. I couldn't get any info on him before 1995. 475 00:30:42,758 --> 00:30:44,068 It's like he just appeared out of the blue. 476 00:30:44,092 --> 00:30:46,345 - Really? That's strange. - Yeah. 477 00:30:46,511 --> 00:30:47,929 (PHONE RINGING) 478 00:30:48,013 --> 00:30:50,724 - Matilda Jeffries. - Keep pulling the sweater. 479 00:30:50,849 --> 00:30:54,436 - Excuse me? - Eventually the thing will unravel. 480 00:30:55,103 --> 00:30:59,232 You mean, if you pull the thread, the whole thing will unravel? 481 00:30:59,566 --> 00:31:02,986 Now you're talking, sister. If you want to know more, go to Pier 12. 482 00:31:03,111 --> 00:31:05,238 Things aren't what they seem. 483 00:31:14,790 --> 00:31:16,958 What kind of spa is this? 484 00:31:18,251 --> 00:31:23,131 It's designed for deep, deep relaxation. Come, let's get you loosened up. 485 00:31:33,475 --> 00:31:36,395 Good boy. Good boy. 486 00:31:36,561 --> 00:31:37,562 Good boy. 487 00:32:05,507 --> 00:32:06,508 Oh! 488 00:32:06,675 --> 00:32:07,926 I'm sorry. 489 00:32:08,510 --> 00:32:09,511 Derek? 490 00:32:11,388 --> 00:32:14,099 Matilda, what are you doing here? 491 00:32:14,516 --> 00:32:15,684 I was... 492 00:32:16,601 --> 00:32:18,687 (STUTTERS) 493 00:32:19,855 --> 00:32:23,108 What are you doing here, Derek? I thought you quit the business. 494 00:32:23,442 --> 00:32:26,695 Haven't you heard? I'm the new face of Mugatu's Derelicte campaign. 495 00:32:31,116 --> 00:32:33,827 What do you mean, Derek? You said Mugatu never hires you. 496 00:32:34,035 --> 00:32:35,579 Well, I guess he changed his mind. 497 00:32:35,871 --> 00:32:38,165 It's only the biggest campaign in the world. Ever. 498 00:32:38,373 --> 00:32:41,084 What is this? Who are you? 499 00:32:41,334 --> 00:32:43,420 This is private property. Nils! 500 00:32:45,130 --> 00:32:46,381 (SCREAMS) 501 00:32:47,257 --> 00:32:51,011 I suggest you and your Kmart Jaclyn Smith Collection outfit, 502 00:32:51,219 --> 00:32:54,514 stay the hell away from Derek Zoolander. 503 00:33:01,521 --> 00:33:03,231 How do you feel, Derek? 504 00:33:05,859 --> 00:33:06,860 Okay. 505 00:33:08,195 --> 00:33:09,779 When's the seaweed wrap? 506 00:33:09,863 --> 00:33:10,906 KATINKA: You shut up now. 507 00:33:11,573 --> 00:33:14,534 I want you to relax 508 00:33:15,202 --> 00:33:18,622 and breathe deeply. 509 00:33:22,000 --> 00:33:23,919 Breathe deeply. 510 00:33:25,587 --> 00:33:27,464 (<i>RELAX</i> PLAYING) 511 00:33:30,675 --> 00:33:33,803 - I like this song. - Of course you do. 512 00:33:36,431 --> 00:33:38,266 <i>Hello, Derek.</i> 513 00:33:38,934 --> 00:33:40,060 Hello. 514 00:33:40,685 --> 00:33:43,021 <i>Welcome to your relaxation time.</i> 515 00:33:43,772 --> 00:33:48,318 <i>Let this wonderful '80s classic soothe you.</i> 516 00:33:48,401 --> 00:33:51,404 <i>Just a nice, warm, happy time.</i> 517 00:33:51,613 --> 00:33:55,617 <i>Happy, happy, happy.</i> 518 00:33:59,079 --> 00:34:01,456 <i>Nothing to worry about at all.</i> 519 00:34:01,957 --> 00:34:04,042 <i>Just relax.</i> 520 00:34:06,002 --> 00:34:08,713 <i>Hey there, Derek. My name is Lil' Kleatus.</i> 521 00:34:09,673 --> 00:34:13,343 <i>I'm just a kid who wants you to know the real truth about child labor laws.</i> 522 00:34:13,468 --> 00:34:15,470 <i>- Okay?</i> - Okay. 523 00:34:15,637 --> 00:34:18,598 <i>They're silly and outdated. In the good old days,</i> 524 00:34:18,682 --> 00:34:21,810 <i>kids as young as five could work as they pleased,</i> 525 00:34:21,893 --> 00:34:24,854 <i>from textile factories to iron smelts.</i> 526 00:34:24,938 --> 00:34:26,940 <i>Yippee! Hooray!</i> 527 00:34:27,440 --> 00:34:31,069 <i>But today, the age-old right of children to work is under attack.</i> 528 00:34:31,820 --> 00:34:35,323 <i>From the Philippines to Bangladesh, in China and India,</i> 529 00:34:35,407 --> 00:34:37,325 <i>and South America, too.</i> 530 00:34:37,450 --> 00:34:38,660 <i>Boo-hoo!</i> 531 00:34:38,952 --> 00:34:41,454 <i>But you can help these children, Derek,</i> 532 00:34:41,538 --> 00:34:44,499 <i>by killing the prime minister of Malaysia.</i> 533 00:34:44,666 --> 00:34:46,668 <i>- He is bad.</i> - What? 534 00:34:47,794 --> 00:34:49,838 <i>You learn martial arts.</i> 535 00:34:49,921 --> 00:34:51,172 (GRUNTS) 536 00:34:51,798 --> 00:34:54,134 <i>Prime minister of Malaysia bad!</i> 537 00:34:54,217 --> 00:34:55,885 <i>Martial arts good!</i> 538 00:34:56,052 --> 00:35:00,515 <i>Kill naughty man! Kill naughty man! Kill naughty man!</i> 539 00:35:01,141 --> 00:35:02,726 <i>Obey my dog!</i> 540 00:35:02,976 --> 00:35:05,645 <i>On the runway, you have one objective.</i> 541 00:35:06,104 --> 00:35:10,275 <i>Do not be distracted by the beautiful celebrities.</i> 542 00:35:12,694 --> 00:35:18,283 <i>Do as you've been trained to do and kill the Malaysian prime minister!</i> 543 00:35:18,366 --> 00:35:22,203 <i>Karate chop! Bad, man! Awful man!</i> 544 00:35:22,287 --> 00:35:25,832 <i>In your little blue suit and your spiky black hair. Kill!</i> 545 00:35:25,915 --> 00:35:28,501 <i>You're a super-hot ninja machine!</i> 546 00:35:28,585 --> 00:35:30,003 (SCREAMING) 547 00:35:35,383 --> 00:35:36,509 (SCREAMS) 548 00:35:36,593 --> 00:35:37,927 - (KNOCK AT DOOR) - Ow! 549 00:35:38,386 --> 00:35:41,056 - MATILDA: Derek, are you in there? - Hold your horses! 550 00:35:41,181 --> 00:35:44,517 - Derek, please open the door! - What a cuckoo dream. 551 00:35:44,601 --> 00:35:45,602 Derek! 552 00:35:47,479 --> 00:35:49,981 - What? - Hey, are you okay? 553 00:35:50,065 --> 00:35:52,067 I've been trying to reach you for a week. 554 00:35:52,150 --> 00:35:54,319 A week? What, are you having a whack attack? 555 00:35:54,402 --> 00:35:56,529 I saw you this afternoon, dum-dum. 556 00:35:56,863 --> 00:35:58,365 That was last Friday. 557 00:35:58,823 --> 00:36:01,368 Earth to Matilda. I was at a day spa. 558 00:36:02,035 --> 00:36:06,373 Day. D-A-I-Y-E. Okay? 559 00:36:06,456 --> 00:36:07,582 (SIGHS) 560 00:36:07,666 --> 00:36:09,185 Look, I think I know what this is about, 561 00:36:09,209 --> 00:36:13,338 and I'm very complimented, but not interested. 562 00:36:14,255 --> 00:36:16,758 - What? - I can't sleep with you, okay? 563 00:36:16,841 --> 00:36:19,552 - My head is killing me and... - What are you talking about? 564 00:36:19,636 --> 00:36:21,716 Okay, if you just want to fool around a little bit... 565 00:36:21,930 --> 00:36:24,265 Hey, I don't want to sleep with you! 566 00:36:24,349 --> 00:36:26,577 I've been trying to tell you you've been missing for a week. 567 00:36:26,601 --> 00:36:27,681 Would you look at the date. 568 00:36:27,727 --> 00:36:30,730 Mugatu's Derelicte show is tomorrow night. 569 00:36:30,814 --> 00:36:32,982 I don't care what the date says. 570 00:36:34,943 --> 00:36:37,612 AUTOMATED VOICE: <i>You have 1,200 messages.</i> 571 00:36:37,737 --> 00:36:39,364 (ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS) 572 00:36:39,447 --> 00:36:40,824 That is a bit above average. 573 00:36:41,199 --> 00:36:44,119 - Derek, what happened in that spa? - I don't know. 574 00:36:44,202 --> 00:36:46,496 A little massage, some aromatherapy. 575 00:36:46,579 --> 00:36:50,333 I mean, look, lady, you can't just come barging into people's lofts, 576 00:36:50,417 --> 00:36:52,419 wanting sex, then changing your mind, 577 00:36:52,502 --> 00:36:54,879 then telling them that they've been in a day spa for a week. 578 00:36:54,963 --> 00:36:57,006 You have been in a day spa for a week. 579 00:36:57,090 --> 00:36:58,633 So what? 580 00:36:58,717 --> 00:37:01,886 Do you understand that the world does not revolve around you, 581 00:37:01,970 --> 00:37:04,973 and your "do whatever it takes, ruin as many people's lives, 582 00:37:05,098 --> 00:37:07,952 "so long as you can make a name for yourself as a investigatory journalist, 583 00:37:07,976 --> 00:37:09,456 "no matter how many friends you lose, 584 00:37:09,519 --> 00:37:12,188 "or people you leave dead and bloodied along the way, 585 00:37:12,272 --> 00:37:14,125 "just so long as you can make a name for yourself 586 00:37:14,149 --> 00:37:15,376 "as an investigatory journalist, 587 00:37:15,400 --> 00:37:17,360 "no matter how many friends you lose, 588 00:37:17,444 --> 00:37:21,156 "or people you leave dead and bloodied and dying along the way"? 589 00:37:22,991 --> 00:37:25,326 Derek, I told you I was sorry about that article. 590 00:37:25,452 --> 00:37:27,912 Enough! My head hurts! 591 00:37:27,996 --> 00:37:29,724 And if it indeed is what day you claim it is, 592 00:37:29,748 --> 00:37:32,709 I have a pre-runway party to attend, if you'll excuse me. 593 00:37:36,171 --> 00:37:38,506 - By the way... - What? 594 00:37:38,840 --> 00:37:40,008 With your complexion, 595 00:37:40,091 --> 00:37:42,651 you really shouldn't be wearing your hair pulled back that tight. 596 00:37:42,761 --> 00:37:44,095 What are you talking about? 597 00:37:44,179 --> 00:37:45,889 It pulls back the skin on your forehead, 598 00:37:45,972 --> 00:37:47,932 creating a tension which clogs the pores. 599 00:37:48,016 --> 00:37:50,643 That's why you have some light pattern dryness around your scalp. 600 00:37:51,978 --> 00:37:53,021 Do you mind? 601 00:38:02,155 --> 00:38:03,448 Cool. 602 00:38:15,043 --> 00:38:19,798 I do not like snoopy reporter with lack of fashion sense. 603 00:38:19,881 --> 00:38:22,383 Not one little bit. 604 00:38:26,387 --> 00:38:28,681 Hey, I just e-mailed you all those NexisLexis searches, 605 00:38:28,765 --> 00:38:31,810 {\an8}on the male models who've appeared in Mugatu campaigns. 606 00:38:31,893 --> 00:38:35,271 {\an8}It's pretty weird. It seems like all of Mr. Mugatu's models 607 00:38:35,355 --> 00:38:38,650 {\an8}have a bad habit of dying young in freak accidents. 608 00:38:38,733 --> 00:38:39,776 {\an8}MATILDA: What? 609 00:38:47,492 --> 00:38:49,494 - Wait a second. - What? 610 00:38:59,921 --> 00:39:02,590 - Oh, shit. I gotta go. - What's going on? 611 00:39:05,802 --> 00:39:07,804 I don't want to hang out, okay? 612 00:39:07,929 --> 00:39:10,390 I just need to speak with Derek Zoolander, please! 613 00:39:10,598 --> 00:39:13,685 I just thought the way you handled losing that award to Hansel, 614 00:39:13,768 --> 00:39:16,479 and then you sort of laid low for a while, 615 00:39:16,563 --> 00:39:18,606 and then made your comeback... 616 00:39:18,690 --> 00:39:20,525 It was so courageous. 617 00:39:21,067 --> 00:39:22,777 Look, I gotta go pee, 618 00:39:22,861 --> 00:39:25,613 but I'd really like to continue talking about this conversation 619 00:39:25,697 --> 00:39:26,823 when I come back. 620 00:39:27,115 --> 00:39:28,157 Yeah. 621 00:39:30,493 --> 00:39:33,288 - Everything cool, Derek? - It's great, Biff. Thank you. 622 00:39:35,290 --> 00:39:37,458 Hey, Derek. You rule. 623 00:39:37,792 --> 00:39:39,919 Thanks, Paris. I appreciate that. 624 00:39:40,253 --> 00:39:43,172 - Hey, Derek. - Hey, Maurice. 625 00:39:43,298 --> 00:39:46,050 - Hey, my man. - What's happening? 626 00:39:47,302 --> 00:39:49,220 Derek, back on top, man. 627 00:39:49,637 --> 00:39:51,389 Thanks, Billy. You rock. 628 00:39:51,681 --> 00:39:54,100 No, you rock. When are you gonna drop Magnum on us, buddy? 629 00:39:54,309 --> 00:39:57,687 Not yet. Gotta tame the beast before you let it out of its cage. 630 00:40:01,482 --> 00:40:04,652 - Excuse me, bra. - You're excused. 631 00:40:09,073 --> 00:40:10,742 And I'm not your bra. 632 00:40:13,036 --> 00:40:17,165 Whatever, dude. Whatever. Peace. God bless. 633 00:40:17,498 --> 00:40:21,502 Hey, Hansel, I'm sorry you didn't get Mugatu's Derelicte campaign. 634 00:40:22,170 --> 00:40:23,379 Maybe next time. 635 00:40:24,505 --> 00:40:25,757 What's that? 636 00:40:26,007 --> 00:40:29,302 Mugatu's Derelicte campaign. Sorry you didn't book it. 637 00:40:29,844 --> 00:40:32,055 Oh, yeah? I've never even heard of it. 638 00:40:32,138 --> 00:40:33,598 Me and my friends have been too busy 639 00:40:33,681 --> 00:40:35,326 bathing off the southern coast of St. Barts, 640 00:40:35,350 --> 00:40:37,030 with spider monkeys for the past two weeks. 641 00:40:37,352 --> 00:40:40,188 Tripping on acid changed our whole perspective on shit. 642 00:40:40,647 --> 00:40:45,360 So I guess you can Dere-lick my balls, <i>cápitan.</i> 643 00:40:48,529 --> 00:40:50,365 Would you hold this for me? 644 00:40:52,200 --> 00:40:55,870 I can Dere-lick my own balls, thank you very much. 645 00:40:59,374 --> 00:41:01,417 You think you're too cool for school. 646 00:41:02,293 --> 00:41:05,213 But I got a news flash for you, Walter Cronkite. 647 00:41:09,884 --> 00:41:11,010 You aren't. 648 00:41:15,473 --> 00:41:18,059 Who are you trying to get crazy with, <i>ese?</i> 649 00:41:19,727 --> 00:41:21,521 Don't you know I'm <i>loco?</i> 650 00:41:23,356 --> 00:41:25,400 Hey, I got a wacky idea. 651 00:41:27,360 --> 00:41:30,571 What say we settle this on the runway? 652 00:41:30,697 --> 00:41:34,117 Han-solo? 653 00:41:34,909 --> 00:41:36,619 (WHOOSHING SOFTLY) 654 00:41:41,666 --> 00:41:43,084 Stop it. 655 00:41:44,460 --> 00:41:46,963 Are you challenging me to a walk-off 656 00:41:47,046 --> 00:41:49,215 Boo-lander? 657 00:41:50,425 --> 00:41:52,343 Don't do this, Derek. 658 00:41:52,468 --> 00:41:54,262 Listen to your friend Billy Zane. 659 00:41:55,596 --> 00:41:59,434 He's a cool dude. He's trying to help you out. 660 00:41:59,809 --> 00:42:03,604 Oh, yeah. That's a walk-off challenge, my friend. 661 00:42:08,276 --> 00:42:11,112 Ten minutes. Old Members Only warehouse. 662 00:42:11,195 --> 00:42:13,322 You oughta remember that. You're a dinosaur. 663 00:42:13,573 --> 00:42:15,116 Let's go. Open up. 664 00:42:19,704 --> 00:42:22,465 I heard some mad stories about this kid. He's limber. He's too limber. 665 00:42:22,498 --> 00:42:24,584 Put a cork in it, Zane! 666 00:42:26,961 --> 00:42:29,589 It's a walk-off. Walk-off. 667 00:42:29,881 --> 00:42:32,800 This is urgent, ma'am. Do you have any... 668 00:42:34,302 --> 00:42:37,430 Derek? Derek! Derek! 669 00:42:37,513 --> 00:42:38,556 Hey, Matilda. 670 00:42:38,639 --> 00:42:40,725 What is this? Where is everyone going? 671 00:42:40,808 --> 00:42:43,061 Good luck, Derek! Kick Hansel's ass! 672 00:42:43,144 --> 00:42:44,771 Thanks, Rico. I'll try. 673 00:42:45,354 --> 00:42:47,234 You want to see the real world of male modeling? 674 00:42:47,315 --> 00:42:50,068 The one they don't show you in magazines or the <i>E!</i> channel? 675 00:42:50,151 --> 00:42:52,570 Yeah, I guess. Derek, please. 676 00:42:52,653 --> 00:42:54,798 I have something really important to talk to you about. 677 00:42:54,822 --> 00:42:56,074 Not now, Matilda. 678 00:42:56,157 --> 00:42:58,868 Han-sell-out is about to have his Han-sell-ass 679 00:42:58,951 --> 00:43:02,371 handed to him on a platter with french-fried potatoes. 680 00:43:02,497 --> 00:43:05,124 Katinka, thought you might want to know, 681 00:43:05,208 --> 00:43:07,418 your boy Zoolander's rolling. 682 00:43:07,502 --> 00:43:08,961 It's a walk-off. 683 00:43:09,462 --> 00:43:11,172 (TECHNO MUSIC PLAYING) 684 00:43:11,672 --> 00:43:13,966 (PEOPLE TALKING INDISTINCTLY) 685 00:43:29,482 --> 00:43:31,025 (GROWLS SOFTLY) 686 00:43:31,859 --> 00:43:33,945 All right, who's gonna call this sucker? 687 00:43:34,028 --> 00:43:35,530 MAN: If nobody has any objections, 688 00:43:37,365 --> 00:43:38,991 I believe I might be of service. 689 00:43:39,075 --> 00:43:41,202 {\an8}(<i>LET'S DANCE</i> INTRO PLAYING) 690 00:43:42,328 --> 00:43:43,996 (CROWD EXCLAIMING) 691 00:43:45,998 --> 00:43:49,377 Now, this'll be a straight walk-off, old school rules. 692 00:43:49,460 --> 00:43:52,338 First model walks, second model duplicates, 693 00:43:52,421 --> 00:43:53,714 then elaborates. 694 00:43:54,382 --> 00:43:56,717 Okay, boys, let's go to work. 695 00:43:57,176 --> 00:43:59,303 Age before beauty, goat cheese. 696 00:43:59,387 --> 00:44:00,721 Whatever. 697 00:44:04,142 --> 00:44:05,143 Right. 698 00:44:10,398 --> 00:44:12,066 (<i>BEAT IT</i> PLAYING) 699 00:44:35,256 --> 00:44:36,757 Playskool, baby. 700 00:45:07,371 --> 00:45:09,540 You got to cut me. I can't see. I'm blind out there. 701 00:45:09,624 --> 00:45:10,625 Evian. Evian. 702 00:45:12,335 --> 00:45:13,628 (SCREAMS) 703 00:45:14,045 --> 00:45:15,671 It's okay. It's okay. 704 00:45:29,185 --> 00:45:30,978 - Where am I? Where am I? - It's okay. 705 00:45:31,854 --> 00:45:34,857 - Kickin', Hoss. - I'm going monk. 706 00:45:36,734 --> 00:45:39,403 I got to go monk. Prayer. Prayer. 707 00:45:39,487 --> 00:45:40,696 Pray to the Great Spirit. 708 00:45:40,821 --> 00:45:42,323 (WHOOSHING SOFTLY) 709 00:45:43,699 --> 00:45:45,618 (MIMICKING BIRD CAWING) 710 00:45:50,081 --> 00:45:51,999 (TECHNO MUSIC PLAYING) 711 00:45:56,837 --> 00:45:59,674 Do it, Hansel. Just do it. Do it, Hansel. 712 00:46:02,176 --> 00:46:04,512 Why is he sticking his hand in his pants? 713 00:46:07,682 --> 00:46:08,683 Do it, Hansel. 714 00:46:28,077 --> 00:46:29,287 That's what I'm talking about. 715 00:46:29,370 --> 00:46:33,708 Derek, you're not a kid anymore. You could hurt yourself out there. 716 00:46:36,377 --> 00:46:38,004 I can do this, Tyson. 717 00:46:46,220 --> 00:46:47,555 (INAUDIBLE) 718 00:46:48,681 --> 00:46:51,058 <i>Thank God I wore underwear today.</i> 719 00:46:59,984 --> 00:47:01,110 He's going for it. 720 00:47:01,694 --> 00:47:03,321 (PEOPLE CHEERING) 721 00:47:22,131 --> 00:47:23,549 - Oh. - WOMAN: Oh, my God. 722 00:47:27,470 --> 00:47:29,055 (GROANS SOFTLY) 723 00:47:34,268 --> 00:47:35,603 Disqualified. 724 00:47:35,811 --> 00:47:37,480 (PEOPLE CHEERING) 725 00:47:42,985 --> 00:47:44,195 Derek, come on. Come on. 726 00:47:44,278 --> 00:47:45,946 Come on. 727 00:47:46,405 --> 00:47:48,032 DEREK: What's going on? 728 00:47:48,115 --> 00:47:50,159 I think Katinka wants to kill you. 729 00:47:50,242 --> 00:47:54,914 Good. I deserve to die if I can't beat Han-suck-ass in a walk-off. 730 00:47:55,748 --> 00:47:57,166 Derek, that's not true. 731 00:47:57,792 --> 00:48:00,586 The guy had to miraculously pull his underwear out of his butt 732 00:48:00,669 --> 00:48:01,921 just to beat you. 733 00:48:04,840 --> 00:48:06,801 And all he had to do was turn left. 734 00:48:09,178 --> 00:48:10,846 What do you mean? 735 00:48:11,389 --> 00:48:12,973 I'm not an ambi-turner. 736 00:48:14,433 --> 00:48:16,644 It's a problem I had since I was a baby. 737 00:48:17,645 --> 00:48:19,021 I can't turn left. 738 00:48:20,147 --> 00:48:22,983 Derek, that's nothing to be ashamed of. 739 00:48:23,234 --> 00:48:26,237 I'm sure there are a lot of people out there who can't turn... 740 00:48:30,074 --> 00:48:32,868 I mean, there have got to be some people out there, 741 00:48:32,952 --> 00:48:35,621 just like you, who can't turn... 742 00:48:36,163 --> 00:48:38,791 Turn left. 743 00:48:39,083 --> 00:48:40,543 (MOBILE PHONE RINGS) 744 00:48:40,876 --> 00:48:41,919 Hello. 745 00:48:42,002 --> 00:48:44,713 MAN: <i>If you want answers, come to Saint Adonis Cemetery now.</i> 746 00:48:44,797 --> 00:48:46,877 - Wait! Wait! Wait! Who are you? - (LINE DISCONNECTS) 747 00:48:47,508 --> 00:48:48,508 Who was that? 748 00:48:48,551 --> 00:48:51,762 I'm not sure. I have to get to Saint Adonis Cemetery. 749 00:48:51,846 --> 00:48:53,323 Listen, I'm gonna take you to my apartment, okay? 750 00:48:53,347 --> 00:48:55,057 You can stay there until I get back. 751 00:48:55,307 --> 00:48:56,809 Can I come with? 752 00:48:57,810 --> 00:48:59,728 I don't want to be alone tonight. 753 00:49:12,032 --> 00:49:13,659 MATILDA: Pedro Scialfa. 754 00:49:15,369 --> 00:49:17,246 {\an8}He died when he was 29. 755 00:49:20,708 --> 00:49:22,418 {\an8}DEREK: Vin Correjo. 756 00:49:24,044 --> 00:49:26,839 {\an8}"Derriere Extraordinaire." 757 00:49:30,885 --> 00:49:33,637 {\an8}92 minus 63. 758 00:49:34,388 --> 00:49:36,390 None of them ever made it past 30. 759 00:49:37,808 --> 00:49:38,809 I did. 760 00:49:38,893 --> 00:49:40,352 (DEREK GASPS) 761 00:49:40,436 --> 00:49:41,479 Who are you? 762 00:49:42,897 --> 00:49:44,148 It's not important. 763 00:49:44,607 --> 00:49:46,066 Are you a ghost? 764 00:49:48,402 --> 00:49:50,196 He called, Derek. 765 00:49:51,113 --> 00:49:52,573 Let's take a walk. 766 00:49:53,407 --> 00:49:57,077 You think Zoolander's in trouble? (CHUCKLES) Think again. 767 00:49:57,453 --> 00:50:00,539 What you've stumbled upon goes way deeper than you could ever fathom. 768 00:50:01,081 --> 00:50:03,125 The fashion industry has been behind, 769 00:50:03,209 --> 00:50:07,421 every major political assassination over the last 200 years. 770 00:50:07,505 --> 00:50:11,926 And behind every hit, a card-carrying male model. 771 00:50:12,301 --> 00:50:13,844 Okay, that's impossible. 772 00:50:13,928 --> 00:50:16,722 Oh, yeah? Listen and learn, sweetness. 773 00:50:16,931 --> 00:50:19,642 Abe Lincoln wanted to abolish slavery, right? 774 00:50:19,725 --> 00:50:21,244 But who do you think made the powdered wigs 775 00:50:21,268 --> 00:50:24,313 and colored leg stockings, worn by our country's early leaders? 776 00:50:26,148 --> 00:50:27,399 Mugatu! 777 00:50:29,443 --> 00:50:30,861 Slaves, Derek. 778 00:50:32,655 --> 00:50:36,450 Without their free labor, prices on such items would have gone up tenfold. 779 00:50:36,617 --> 00:50:39,495 So the powers that be hired John Wilkes Booth, 780 00:50:39,578 --> 00:50:42,957 <i>the original model/actor, to do Mr. Lincoln in.</i> 781 00:50:44,833 --> 00:50:46,085 I'll go on. 782 00:50:46,377 --> 00:50:49,213 Dallas, Texas, 1963. 783 00:50:49,463 --> 00:50:51,882 Kennedy had just put a trade embargo on Cuba, 784 00:50:51,966 --> 00:50:55,636 ostensibly halting the shipment of Cuban-manufactured slacks. 785 00:50:55,761 --> 00:50:57,471 Incredibly popular item at the time. 786 00:50:57,805 --> 00:50:59,974 Lee Harvey Oswald was not a male model. 787 00:51:00,057 --> 00:51:01,159 You're God damn right he wasn't. 788 00:51:01,183 --> 00:51:02,743 But those two lookers who capped Kennedy 789 00:51:02,810 --> 00:51:04,687 from the grassy knoll sure as shit were. 790 00:51:06,397 --> 00:51:07,731 Well, what about you? 791 00:51:07,815 --> 00:51:09,400 How do you fit in to all this? 792 00:51:10,067 --> 00:51:11,986 - This nation was swept... - MATILDA: Oh! 793 00:51:12,236 --> 00:51:13,612 I'll get it, ma'am. 794 00:51:14,613 --> 00:51:16,532 (GRUNTS IN FRUSTRATION) 795 00:51:19,326 --> 00:51:21,495 I can't get over... 796 00:51:21,829 --> 00:51:22,955 Wait a minute. 797 00:51:24,748 --> 00:51:27,001 - No. - I know that hand. 798 00:51:28,919 --> 00:51:32,172 It was in the fall 1973 Bulova watch catalogue. 799 00:51:34,174 --> 00:51:35,426 You're J.P. Prewitt. 800 00:51:37,344 --> 00:51:39,221 The world's greatest hand model. 801 00:51:40,931 --> 00:51:44,685 Once upon a time. But things change. 802 00:51:45,311 --> 00:51:47,229 Thanks to this homemade hyperbaric chamber, 803 00:51:47,313 --> 00:51:49,064 my sweet baby never did. 804 00:51:51,108 --> 00:51:52,985 Let's keep moving. 805 00:51:53,694 --> 00:51:57,281 And that's when I found out I was in line to assassinate Jimmy Carter. 806 00:51:57,364 --> 00:51:58,925 MATILDA: So, how did you manage to escape? 807 00:51:58,949 --> 00:52:00,492 Because I'm a hand model, mama. 808 00:52:01,368 --> 00:52:03,088 A finger jockey. We don't think the same way 809 00:52:03,162 --> 00:52:05,247 as the face and body boys do. 810 00:52:05,331 --> 00:52:08,584 - We're a different breed. - So why male models? 811 00:52:08,917 --> 00:52:10,085 Think about it, Derek. 812 00:52:10,878 --> 00:52:14,173 Male models are genetically constructed to become assassins. 813 00:52:14,590 --> 00:52:16,216 They're in peak physical condition. 814 00:52:19,011 --> 00:52:22,056 They can gain entry to the most secure places in the world. 815 00:52:24,224 --> 00:52:27,728 And most important of all, models don't think for themselves. 816 00:52:27,811 --> 00:52:31,023 - They do as they're told. - That is not true. 817 00:52:31,106 --> 00:52:33,233 - Yes, it is, Derek. - Okay. 818 00:52:34,234 --> 00:52:37,404 Yeah. Think about any photo shoot you've ever been on. 819 00:52:38,656 --> 00:52:40,908 You're a monkey, Derek! You're a monkey. 820 00:52:40,991 --> 00:52:43,911 Dance, monkey, in your little spangly shoes! 821 00:52:43,994 --> 00:52:46,580 Mash your cymbals, chimpy! Dance, Derek, dance! 822 00:52:47,665 --> 00:52:49,124 Good point. 823 00:52:49,208 --> 00:52:51,960 But if this has been going on for so long, Mugatu... 824 00:52:52,044 --> 00:52:53,921 He's just a punk-ass errand boy, 825 00:52:54,004 --> 00:52:56,507 working for an international syndicate of fashion designers. 826 00:52:56,965 --> 00:52:59,718 You do a little background check on your Mr. Mugatu. 827 00:53:00,177 --> 00:53:03,889 You'll find that he sold his soul to the devil for a shot at the big time. 828 00:53:05,015 --> 00:53:06,433 But why male models? 829 00:53:11,230 --> 00:53:14,942 Are you serious? I just... I just told you that a moment ago. 830 00:53:15,651 --> 00:53:16,694 Right. 831 00:53:16,777 --> 00:53:20,114 You're a killing machine, Derek. They've programmed you. 832 00:53:20,197 --> 00:53:22,032 But I won't do it. I won't kill anybody. 833 00:53:22,116 --> 00:53:23,325 It's not up to you. 834 00:53:23,409 --> 00:53:25,244 At the proper moment, they'll trigger you, 835 00:53:25,327 --> 00:53:27,037 usually using some kind of auditory 836 00:53:27,121 --> 00:53:29,248 or visual Pavlovian response mechanism. 837 00:53:29,331 --> 00:53:31,959 - "Audi-what-ey"? - And when it's over... 838 00:53:34,211 --> 00:53:35,212 DEREK: What? 839 00:53:36,714 --> 00:53:38,298 There's an after party? 840 00:53:38,465 --> 00:53:40,050 - (GUNSHOT) - (BOTH SCREAM) 841 00:53:40,134 --> 00:53:41,427 Derek, get down! 842 00:53:44,680 --> 00:53:47,141 (GASPING) You got to get to Maury Ballstein's computer. 843 00:53:47,558 --> 00:53:51,645 He recorded everything in case they ever turned on him. 844 00:53:52,646 --> 00:53:53,647 (DEREK SCREAMS) 845 00:53:53,731 --> 00:53:56,066 Derek, get a grip! Get a grip! 846 00:53:56,150 --> 00:54:00,112 Good luck to you, Derek. I've always been a fan of Blue Steel. 847 00:54:00,195 --> 00:54:01,280 (FIRING CONTINUES) 848 00:54:01,363 --> 00:54:03,699 And I hear Magnum is gonna blow us all away. 849 00:54:04,992 --> 00:54:06,034 Come on! 850 00:54:07,161 --> 00:54:09,788 - Get out of here. - Hang in there, J.P. 851 00:54:09,997 --> 00:54:11,206 (GROANS) 852 00:54:11,874 --> 00:54:13,333 You freakin' idiot! 853 00:54:13,459 --> 00:54:15,127 (FIRING CONTINUES) 854 00:54:17,921 --> 00:54:19,506 DEREK: Man, that was close. 855 00:54:19,590 --> 00:54:21,925 I can't believe Maury's in on it, too. 856 00:54:22,009 --> 00:54:24,344 MATILDA: That she-male Katinka's not messing around. 857 00:54:24,428 --> 00:54:26,054 You're telling me! For a second there, 858 00:54:26,138 --> 00:54:28,390 I thought someone was gonna be reading our "eugoogoly." 859 00:54:28,474 --> 00:54:30,809 Okay, all right, we need a place to hide. 860 00:54:30,893 --> 00:54:33,693 Derek, where's the last place anyone would ever expect to look for you? 861 00:54:34,021 --> 00:54:35,230 I don't know. 862 00:54:35,314 --> 00:54:37,608 Think, okay? This is important! 863 00:54:37,733 --> 00:54:39,026 (HORN BLARING) 864 00:54:43,363 --> 00:54:44,615 DEREK: I hate Hansel! 865 00:54:44,698 --> 00:54:48,035 Hansel, Hansel! Everywhere I look! Hansel! Hansel, Hansel! 866 00:54:56,084 --> 00:54:58,003 (MATILDA CLEARS THROAT) 867 00:54:58,128 --> 00:54:59,755 Were you looking for a rematch? 868 00:55:00,923 --> 00:55:02,003 MATILDA: Excuse me, Hansel. 869 00:55:02,049 --> 00:55:03,967 I don't think there's an easy way to put this, 870 00:55:04,051 --> 00:55:05,677 so I am just gonna lay it out. 871 00:55:06,053 --> 00:55:08,847 Derek has been brainwashed 872 00:55:10,098 --> 00:55:12,476 to kill the prime minister of Malaysia. 873 00:55:13,477 --> 00:55:14,520 And? 874 00:55:15,562 --> 00:55:19,149 And we need a place to hide until we figure this whole thing out. 875 00:55:19,233 --> 00:55:21,026 Derek said this would probably be 876 00:55:21,109 --> 00:55:23,070 the last place anyone would look for him. 877 00:55:24,905 --> 00:55:26,865 Yeah, you're cool to hide here. 878 00:55:27,908 --> 00:55:30,244 But first, me and him got to straighten some shit out. 879 00:55:32,287 --> 00:55:33,372 Fine. 880 00:55:35,082 --> 00:55:37,084 Why you been acting so messed up towards me? 881 00:55:38,961 --> 00:55:41,171 Why you been acting so messed up towards me? 882 00:55:47,386 --> 00:55:48,762 Well, you go first. 883 00:55:50,013 --> 00:55:52,075 I don't know. Maybe I felt a little threatened or something, 884 00:55:52,099 --> 00:55:55,060 'cause your career is, kind of, just blossoming, 885 00:55:55,143 --> 00:55:57,855 and mine's, kind of, winding down or whatever. 886 00:55:57,938 --> 00:56:00,607 And I felt like, "This guy's really hurting me," 887 00:56:01,942 --> 00:56:03,277 and it hurt. 888 00:56:05,612 --> 00:56:08,699 And I felt like when you told me to Dere-lick my balls, 889 00:56:08,782 --> 00:56:10,117 that really hurt. 890 00:56:10,450 --> 00:56:13,829 Maybe I was scared, man. You're Derek Zoolander! 891 00:56:15,581 --> 00:56:17,666 Yeah, you're Derek Zoolander. 892 00:56:17,749 --> 00:56:19,429 You know what it's like to be another model 893 00:56:19,459 --> 00:56:21,920 and be in Derek Zoolander's shadow? 894 00:56:22,462 --> 00:56:23,839 (CHUCKLES) 895 00:56:26,466 --> 00:56:28,093 You want to hear something crazy? 896 00:56:31,305 --> 00:56:33,390 Your work 897 00:56:33,473 --> 00:56:37,144 in the winter '95 International Male catalogue 898 00:56:42,858 --> 00:56:44,818 made me want to be a model. 899 00:56:48,405 --> 00:56:50,657 I freakin' worship you, man. 900 00:56:53,577 --> 00:56:55,078 I'm sorry I was whack. 901 00:56:55,704 --> 00:56:57,164 I was whack. 902 00:56:57,664 --> 00:56:59,082 I was whack. 903 00:57:08,550 --> 00:57:10,052 So welcome to chez Hansel. 904 00:57:10,302 --> 00:57:12,280 You're welcome to hide out here as long as you want. 905 00:57:12,304 --> 00:57:14,824 MATILDA: Well, there isn't much time. The show's tomorrow night. 906 00:57:14,890 --> 00:57:16,642 We have to figure out a plan by then. 907 00:57:18,352 --> 00:57:20,604 HANSEL: I'll round up the troops here. 908 00:57:20,979 --> 00:57:23,941 Hey, what's up, y'all? This is Derek and Matilda. 909 00:57:24,358 --> 00:57:26,318 Derek, you know Natani and Chloe. 910 00:57:26,443 --> 00:57:27,444 Hi! 911 00:57:27,694 --> 00:57:31,031 We got Buzzy Sullivan, big wave surfer from Maverick's. 912 00:57:31,114 --> 00:57:32,115 Hey, bra. 913 00:57:32,199 --> 00:57:34,534 This is this fantastic band, the Little Kings, 914 00:57:34,618 --> 00:57:36,828 I met when I was ice sailing in Finland. 915 00:57:37,454 --> 00:57:39,373 That's my Sherpa, Lapsang. 916 00:57:39,456 --> 00:57:42,042 Okay, so, hey, everybody! Listen up for a second. 917 00:57:43,669 --> 00:57:46,546 Derek and Matilda are in hiding 'cause some dudes brainwashed Derek, 918 00:57:46,630 --> 00:57:48,715 to off the prime minister of Micronesia. 919 00:57:48,799 --> 00:57:50,634 - Malaysia. - Right. 920 00:57:50,717 --> 00:57:53,095 So, they're gonna be hiding here for a little while. 921 00:57:53,178 --> 00:57:54,388 Let's show them a good time. 922 00:57:54,596 --> 00:57:56,932 - Right on! - All right, come on, over here. 923 00:57:57,224 --> 00:57:59,393 Hey, Ennui, will you do me a favor? 924 00:57:59,476 --> 00:58:01,537 Will you get me some of that tea that me and Lapsang got, 925 00:58:01,561 --> 00:58:03,241 when we were free climbing the Mayan ruins? 926 00:58:03,480 --> 00:58:04,564 Okay. 927 00:58:05,941 --> 00:58:08,193 (EASTERN INDIAN MUSIC PLAYING) 928 00:58:08,819 --> 00:58:09,820 Whoo! 929 00:58:09,903 --> 00:58:13,198 This... This is really strong tea. 930 00:58:14,366 --> 00:58:16,159 No, it's just right. Trust me. 931 00:58:16,243 --> 00:58:18,912 What with all the intrigue you guys have been dealing with. 932 00:58:19,663 --> 00:58:23,667 You know, Matilda, I'm surprised you're so worried about "Der-rock." 933 00:58:25,210 --> 00:58:26,962 From that article that I read, it seems like 934 00:58:27,045 --> 00:58:29,756 you don't really care too much about guys in our line of work. 935 00:58:31,008 --> 00:58:33,051 Why do you hate models, Matilda? 936 00:58:34,261 --> 00:58:36,555 - Honestly? - Yes. 937 00:58:38,056 --> 00:58:42,894 I think they're vain, stupid and incredibly self-centered. 938 00:58:43,979 --> 00:58:45,564 I totally agree with you. 939 00:58:47,315 --> 00:58:49,026 But how do you feel about male models? 940 00:58:49,109 --> 00:58:50,193 Ooh! 941 00:58:50,277 --> 00:58:51,486 Sweet. 942 00:58:53,947 --> 00:58:58,118 No, no! Okay, but seriously, Matil. Is it all right if I call you Matil? 943 00:59:00,162 --> 00:59:01,872 What's the deal, yo-yo? 944 00:59:02,497 --> 00:59:04,416 'Cause you're not telling us the whole story. 945 00:59:04,499 --> 00:59:06,460 There's something else, isn't there? 946 00:59:06,793 --> 00:59:08,837 You guys really want to know the truth? 947 00:59:08,962 --> 00:59:12,299 - Yeah. - Okay, then I'm gonna tell you the truth. 948 00:59:14,634 --> 00:59:19,890 When I was in seventh grade, I was the fat kid in my class. 949 00:59:20,223 --> 00:59:21,224 Ew! 950 00:59:24,811 --> 00:59:26,354 All right, forget it. 951 00:59:26,938 --> 00:59:29,357 - No. - Dude, be cool tonight. Come on. 952 00:59:29,441 --> 00:59:31,902 I'm sorry. Please, go ahead. My mistake. 953 00:59:33,236 --> 00:59:35,906 I was the one that all the pretty girls used to make fun of. 954 00:59:35,989 --> 00:59:38,825 It was an awkward phase. 955 00:59:40,077 --> 00:59:41,078 (SIGHS) 956 00:59:41,161 --> 00:59:43,038 Anyway, 957 00:59:43,121 --> 00:59:45,874 every day after school, I would come home and... 958 00:59:46,958 --> 00:59:51,213 You know, I'd flip through the pages of my mom's <i>Vogue</i> and <i>Glamour.</i> 959 00:59:51,296 --> 00:59:54,466 And I just... 960 00:59:54,549 --> 00:59:55,926 I'd look at these women, 961 00:59:56,009 --> 00:59:59,846 these perfect, beautiful, 962 01:00:00,388 --> 01:00:03,475 just unbelievable, skinny women. 963 01:00:03,975 --> 01:00:05,811 I just couldn't... 964 01:00:05,894 --> 01:00:08,855 Oh, I couldn't understand why I didn't look like them. 965 01:00:10,315 --> 01:00:12,901 I... I just didn't get it. So... 966 01:00:15,779 --> 01:00:18,990 So I became... 967 01:00:22,702 --> 01:00:23,703 What? 968 01:00:26,790 --> 01:00:28,166 Bulimic. 969 01:00:30,877 --> 01:00:32,546 (SOFTLY) You can read minds? 970 01:00:40,720 --> 01:00:43,557 It's when you throw up after every meal. 971 01:00:44,391 --> 01:00:45,475 (MATILDA SIGHS) 972 01:00:45,559 --> 01:00:48,562 See, you know what? This is exactly what you models do to people. 973 01:00:48,645 --> 01:00:50,814 You make them feel bad about themselves. 974 01:00:50,897 --> 01:00:51,898 Matilda... 975 01:00:52,858 --> 01:00:54,317 Matilda, it's just... 976 01:00:55,652 --> 01:00:59,406 So what? I throw up after lots of meals. 977 01:00:59,739 --> 01:01:03,243 So do I. It's a great way to lose pounds before a show. 978 01:01:03,869 --> 01:01:07,080 Are you guys insane? Do you understand that it's a disease. 979 01:01:07,164 --> 01:01:10,876 Wow. How did that affect you with guys? Did they not want to get busy with you? 980 01:01:10,959 --> 01:01:13,336 - Good point. - Okay. You know what? 981 01:01:13,420 --> 01:01:18,049 I'm not gonna sit here with both of you and discuss my sex life or... 982 01:01:19,092 --> 01:01:20,135 (MATILDA SIGHS) 983 01:01:20,218 --> 01:01:22,721 Or lack thereof. 984 01:01:23,430 --> 01:01:24,472 Oh! 985 01:01:24,556 --> 01:01:27,142 You mean, like, like you, like you... 986 01:01:27,225 --> 01:01:28,894 - Haven't really... - You haven't... 987 01:01:28,977 --> 01:01:31,771 - Done it... - Done it in a while, yeah. 988 01:01:32,063 --> 01:01:34,608 Okay, what's a while? Like, eight days? 989 01:01:36,985 --> 01:01:38,111 More? 990 01:01:40,113 --> 01:01:43,074 (SIGHING) Try a couple years. 991 01:01:43,158 --> 01:01:45,410 Oh, snap! 992 01:01:45,493 --> 01:01:48,455 How do you live? How do you live? 993 01:01:48,538 --> 01:01:51,291 Seriously. Do you service yourself ten times a day? 994 01:01:52,042 --> 01:01:54,628 - End of discussion! - Easy. Okay, hold on. 995 01:01:54,711 --> 01:01:56,272 - Easy, easy. - I'm not comfortable talking, 996 01:01:56,296 --> 01:01:57,964 - Easy. Easy. - This is... 997 01:01:59,257 --> 01:02:01,301 This has been an emotional day for all of us. 998 01:02:01,468 --> 01:02:02,510 (MOUTHING) 999 01:02:06,139 --> 01:02:08,475 I think we should get naked. 1000 01:02:08,558 --> 01:02:09,559 What? 1001 01:02:09,893 --> 01:02:11,645 (SOFTLY) Don't ask questions. 1002 01:02:12,729 --> 01:02:14,898 Just give in to the power of the tea. 1003 01:02:15,273 --> 01:02:18,109 (<i>LOVE TO LOVE YOU BABY</i> BY NO DOUBT PLAYING) 1004 01:02:48,306 --> 01:02:49,557 (HOWLING) 1005 01:02:58,024 --> 01:02:59,943 HANSEL: So I'm rappelling down Mount Vesuvius, 1006 01:03:00,026 --> 01:03:03,029 when suddenly I slip and I start to fall. 1007 01:03:03,113 --> 01:03:05,031 I mean, I'm about to die. Hot bread, Zeke. 1008 01:03:06,032 --> 01:03:09,494 Just falling. I'll never forget the terror. 1009 01:03:09,619 --> 01:03:13,248 When suddenly I remember, "Holy shit. Hansel, 1010 01:03:13,331 --> 01:03:16,084 "haven't you been smoking peyote for six straight days? 1011 01:03:16,167 --> 01:03:18,962 "And couldn't some of this, maybe, be in your mind?" 1012 01:03:19,045 --> 01:03:20,380 And? 1013 01:03:21,631 --> 01:03:24,134 It was. I was totally fine. 1014 01:03:24,384 --> 01:03:26,344 I've never even been to Mount Vesuvius. 1015 01:03:27,762 --> 01:03:29,264 Cool story, Hansel. 1016 01:03:29,639 --> 01:03:30,724 Thanks, Olaf. 1017 01:03:32,309 --> 01:03:34,644 Dude, how dope was last night? 1018 01:03:34,728 --> 01:03:37,063 I mean, the soil room. Dirt was flying. 1019 01:03:37,147 --> 01:03:39,649 You couldn't see anything. It was like, who's that? 1020 01:03:39,733 --> 01:03:42,652 - Who's this? - I think I'm falling for Matilda, Hansel. 1021 01:03:43,486 --> 01:03:46,072 Dude, I wasn't gonna say anything, 1022 01:03:46,156 --> 01:03:49,409 but it was crazy energy flying back and forth between you guys. 1023 01:03:49,492 --> 01:03:51,077 It was like, look out! 1024 01:03:51,161 --> 01:03:52,787 There was a moment last night, 1025 01:03:52,871 --> 01:03:55,123 when she was sandwiched between the two Finnish dwarves 1026 01:03:55,206 --> 01:03:56,291 and the Maori tribesman... 1027 01:03:57,792 --> 01:03:59,669 - Oh, yeah. - ...where I thought, 1028 01:03:59,753 --> 01:04:04,424 (SOFTLY) "Wow, I could really spend the rest of my life with this woman." 1029 01:04:05,759 --> 01:04:06,760 (WHISPERING) Really? 1030 01:04:07,344 --> 01:04:09,262 What do you call that? 1031 01:04:09,721 --> 01:04:12,057 I think you call that love, D-Bone. 1032 01:04:12,766 --> 01:04:13,767 MATILDA: Hey! 1033 01:04:16,686 --> 01:04:17,687 Hey! 1034 01:04:17,771 --> 01:04:19,439 So what time is it? 1035 01:04:19,773 --> 01:04:22,025 - Almost 5:00. - What? 1036 01:04:22,275 --> 01:04:24,861 Hey, guys, that show is in three hours. 1037 01:04:24,944 --> 01:04:28,073 Derek is dead unless we get that evidence. Do you guys... 1038 01:04:28,156 --> 01:04:32,452 Whoa! Whoa! Easy. How about a "Good afternoon, Derek and Hansel. 1039 01:04:32,994 --> 01:04:35,038 "Thanks for the freak fest last night"? 1040 01:04:35,955 --> 01:04:37,707 (MOBILE PHONE RINGS) 1041 01:04:37,791 --> 01:04:39,793 - Hello? - Hello? 1042 01:04:40,043 --> 01:04:41,044 Oh. 1043 01:04:41,127 --> 01:04:42,337 Hi, Katinka. 1044 01:04:43,380 --> 01:04:45,965 No, I just had a really late party night last night. 1045 01:04:46,049 --> 01:04:48,843 - Derek, hang up the phone now! - Where am I? 1046 01:04:48,927 --> 01:04:49,945 - Look, I have to go! - Hang up! 1047 01:04:49,969 --> 01:04:51,471 But I'll see you at 7:00. Okay, bye. 1048 01:04:51,554 --> 01:04:54,099 Derek, I thought I told you to turn off your phone. 1049 01:04:54,849 --> 01:04:56,476 Turn off my phone? 1050 01:04:56,851 --> 01:04:57,977 Whoo! 1051 01:04:58,311 --> 01:04:59,896 Turn off my phone? 1052 01:04:59,979 --> 01:05:01,898 - Yeah. - Earth to Matilda. 1053 01:05:01,981 --> 01:05:04,692 This phone is as much a part of me as... 1054 01:05:04,776 --> 01:05:08,613 You know what? Can we just cut it out with all the "Earth to's", please? 1055 01:05:08,696 --> 01:05:11,616 We're not actually saying this is the Earth calling you, Matilda. 1056 01:05:11,699 --> 01:05:15,120 Yeah. No, I got that. I understand you don't literally mean... 1057 01:05:15,203 --> 01:05:17,080 No, I don't think you do. 1058 01:05:17,497 --> 01:05:21,084 Listen. It's not like we think that we're actually in a control tower, 1059 01:05:21,167 --> 01:05:24,587 trying to reach outer space aliens or something, okay? 1060 01:05:24,754 --> 01:05:25,797 (MIMICKING ALIEN) Hello. 1061 01:05:27,424 --> 01:05:28,425 Hello. 1062 01:05:29,467 --> 01:05:32,512 - Oh, snap! - HANSEL: A joke. 1063 01:05:33,221 --> 01:05:34,681 Okay, you know what? 1064 01:05:34,764 --> 01:05:38,184 Instead of doing that, I'm gonna try to figure out a way into Maury's, 1065 01:05:38,268 --> 01:05:40,520 before Derek assassinates a world leader. 1066 01:05:43,189 --> 01:05:44,274 Wait a minute. 1067 01:05:45,191 --> 01:05:46,526 I might just have an idea. 1068 01:05:47,902 --> 01:05:50,155 They'll be looking for us at Maury's, right? 1069 01:05:50,989 --> 01:05:52,699 But they won't be looking for... 1070 01:05:54,951 --> 01:05:55,952 Not us. 1071 01:05:56,536 --> 01:05:58,329 Derek, what are you talking about? 1072 01:05:59,497 --> 01:06:01,458 Hansel, do you have a cosmetics case? 1073 01:06:01,541 --> 01:06:04,461 Sure, I mean, just for touch-ups or whatever. 1074 01:06:04,544 --> 01:06:06,045 What are you gonna do with that? 1075 01:06:07,130 --> 01:06:09,466 That'll do. Early in my career, 1076 01:06:09,549 --> 01:06:11,801 I used to do my own makeup styling and tailoring. 1077 01:06:11,885 --> 01:06:14,053 If I can create a basic disguise for us, 1078 01:06:14,137 --> 01:06:16,639 we may just be able to sneak into Maury's, undetected. 1079 01:06:17,891 --> 01:06:21,019 You is talkin' <i>loco</i> and I like it. 1080 01:06:33,573 --> 01:06:35,450 (TECHNO MUSIC PLAYING) 1081 01:06:42,582 --> 01:06:45,043 WOMAN: <i>Welcome to Derelicte.</i> 1082 01:06:45,126 --> 01:06:47,420 <i>Welcome to Derelicte.</i> 1083 01:06:47,504 --> 01:06:49,672 <i>Welcome to Derelicte.</i> 1084 01:06:52,383 --> 01:06:54,063 Hansel calling Matil. Hansel calling Matil. 1085 01:06:54,093 --> 01:06:55,136 We have entry. Repeat. 1086 01:06:55,220 --> 01:06:57,180 <i>- We have entry.</i> - Okay, guys. I hear you. 1087 01:06:57,263 --> 01:07:00,016 Now, once you get the info, I want you to e-mail it to my office 1088 01:07:00,099 --> 01:07:01,351 <i>and I'll download the files,</i> 1089 01:07:01,434 --> 01:07:03,686 we'll rendezvous and take the information to the police. 1090 01:07:03,770 --> 01:07:05,104 We hear you loud and clear. 1091 01:07:07,690 --> 01:07:08,816 Listen, Matil. 1092 01:07:09,442 --> 01:07:11,778 I've been thinking a lot about that bulimia thing. 1093 01:07:12,278 --> 01:07:15,782 And I want you to know I understand where you're coming from. 1094 01:07:16,574 --> 01:07:19,953 I feel really bad that good-looking people like us, 1095 01:07:20,036 --> 01:07:22,205 made you throw up and feel bad about yourself. 1096 01:07:23,122 --> 01:07:24,332 For serious. 1097 01:07:25,875 --> 01:07:28,711 - Thanks, Derek. Now, hurry up. - Okay. 1098 01:07:30,046 --> 01:07:31,422 Hey, I finally got the results 1099 01:07:31,506 --> 01:07:34,384 on the name check you asked for on Jacobim Mugatu. 1100 01:07:34,467 --> 01:07:37,262 - Or should I say Jacob Moogberg. - What? 1101 01:07:37,345 --> 01:07:39,806 He changed his name when he went into the fashion business. 1102 01:07:40,014 --> 01:07:42,684 Apparently, the guy was the original guitar synth player, 1103 01:07:42,767 --> 01:07:44,394 for that band Frankie Goes to Hollywood, 1104 01:07:44,477 --> 01:07:45,996 but he got kicked out, before they hit it big 1105 01:07:46,020 --> 01:07:47,730 with that song <i>Relax.</i> 1106 01:07:47,814 --> 01:07:49,732 After the Frankie folks gave him the heave-ho, 1107 01:07:49,816 --> 01:07:52,068 he held a series of odd jobs until, 1108 01:07:52,151 --> 01:07:56,489 get this, he invented the piano-key necktie in 1985. 1109 01:07:56,948 --> 01:07:58,992 {\an8}The guy's been a fashion designer ever since. 1110 01:08:04,747 --> 01:08:06,165 First obstacle. 1111 01:08:10,128 --> 01:08:11,879 You ever use one of these? 1112 01:08:11,963 --> 01:08:13,381 I don't think so. 1113 01:08:15,216 --> 01:08:18,011 Watch out. Watch... Fix that hem, Jason. 1114 01:08:18,136 --> 01:08:20,305 Please. I need... Katinka! 1115 01:08:21,180 --> 01:08:22,890 He's not here yet, Jacobim. 1116 01:08:22,974 --> 01:08:26,102 - That little toad-face better show. - He will show. 1117 01:08:26,185 --> 01:08:29,105 Good, because I'm a hot little potato right now. 1118 01:08:31,190 --> 01:08:33,401 DEREK: There must be an "on" button somewhere. 1119 01:08:33,776 --> 01:08:35,570 Did you press that apple thing? 1120 01:08:55,340 --> 01:08:57,759 (MAKING AGITATED CHATTERING SOUNDS) 1121 01:09:09,395 --> 01:09:11,522 (BOTH CHATTERING AGITATEDLY) 1122 01:09:22,992 --> 01:09:24,577 Wait! Hansel! 1123 01:09:25,244 --> 01:09:26,579 Let's not lose our cool. 1124 01:09:26,663 --> 01:09:28,183 Then we're no better than the machine. 1125 01:09:30,541 --> 01:09:32,669 It's almost 7:00. I got to go. 1126 01:09:32,752 --> 01:09:35,171 No! Derek. Der, wait. 1127 01:09:35,254 --> 01:09:37,590 If you go, they'll make you kill that Eurasian dude. 1128 01:09:37,674 --> 01:09:40,802 I don't care, Hansel. I've never been late for a show in my life. 1129 01:09:41,177 --> 01:09:42,762 I don't plan on starting now. 1130 01:09:43,388 --> 01:09:44,806 Damn it, you're right. 1131 01:09:45,682 --> 01:09:47,517 Do me a favor. 1132 01:09:47,600 --> 01:09:50,103 If anything happens to me, I want you to give this to Matilda. 1133 01:09:50,395 --> 01:09:53,690 - No. - Please, Hansel. Take it. Please. 1134 01:09:53,773 --> 01:09:55,733 - Ah, man. - Take it. 1135 01:09:58,027 --> 01:10:02,115 (WHISPERING) Let's just say I'll hold on to it till you get back. 1136 01:10:02,865 --> 01:10:04,575 Go! Go! 1137 01:10:05,368 --> 01:10:07,495 <i>We're live at the Derelicte show,</i> 1138 01:10:07,578 --> 01:10:10,039 <i>where controversial designer Jacobim Mugatu,</i> 1139 01:10:10,123 --> 01:10:11,541 <i>has extended the olive branch</i> 1140 01:10:11,624 --> 01:10:13,751 <i>to the Malaysian Prime Minister Hassan,</i> 1141 01:10:13,835 --> 01:10:16,045 <i>making him the guest of honor at tonight's show.</i> 1142 01:10:16,129 --> 01:10:19,841 <i>And starring in that show, veteran supermodel Derek Zoolander.</i> 1143 01:10:23,094 --> 01:10:26,514 MATILDA: <i>Guys, what's happening? Did you find the files?</i> 1144 01:10:26,597 --> 01:10:27,932 <i>Matilda, we've got problems.</i> 1145 01:10:28,141 --> 01:10:29,851 Derek's already left for the show. 1146 01:10:29,934 --> 01:10:32,562 No. No, he can't. We don't even know what the trigger is. 1147 01:10:32,645 --> 01:10:35,189 He just went running out of here. I couldn't stop him. 1148 01:10:35,648 --> 01:10:38,109 - I'll call him on his phone. - He doesn't have it. 1149 01:10:38,192 --> 01:10:40,153 - What? - Yeah, he doesn't have it. 1150 01:10:40,236 --> 01:10:42,405 What are you talking about? He always has it. 1151 01:10:42,488 --> 01:10:45,742 - No, he gave it to me. - Did you find the files? 1152 01:10:45,825 --> 01:10:47,994 I don't even know what they... What do they look like? 1153 01:10:48,077 --> 01:10:49,579 They're in the computer. 1154 01:10:49,662 --> 01:10:51,873 They're in the computer? 1155 01:10:52,206 --> 01:10:55,126 <i>Yeah, they're definitely in there. I just don't know how he labelled them.</i> 1156 01:10:55,168 --> 01:10:57,503 - I got it. <i>- You got to figure it out.</i> 1157 01:10:57,670 --> 01:10:59,130 We're running out of time, Hansel, 1158 01:10:59,213 --> 01:11:01,424 you got to find them and meet me at the show. 1159 01:11:01,507 --> 01:11:02,842 Roger. 1160 01:11:04,010 --> 01:11:05,845 In the computer. 1161 01:11:06,679 --> 01:11:08,347 It's so simple. 1162 01:11:09,182 --> 01:11:12,351 Hey, I just cut up a couple of cantaloupe halves, 1163 01:11:12,435 --> 01:11:14,187 with some cottage cheese, if you're hungry. 1164 01:11:14,270 --> 01:11:16,856 Not the right time. I need to figure out this trigger 1165 01:11:16,939 --> 01:11:19,442 before Derek kills the Malaysian prime minister. 1166 01:11:19,525 --> 01:11:22,278 You just seem a little tense. I was trying to help you relax. 1167 01:11:22,361 --> 01:11:25,573 Relax? The last thing I need to do right now is... 1168 01:11:28,326 --> 01:11:30,119 - That's it. - TODD: <i>Let's go, people!</i> 1169 01:11:30,203 --> 01:11:33,623 Let's go! Vagrants and whores, you're wanted in Makeup! 1170 01:11:33,706 --> 01:11:35,666 Runaways and street hustlers, you're next! 1171 01:11:36,042 --> 01:11:38,753 - You had us worried, Derek. - Everything's cool. 1172 01:11:38,836 --> 01:11:41,756 - I'm really super psyched for the show. - Good. 1173 01:11:42,215 --> 01:11:45,551 Just remember, relax. 1174 01:11:46,344 --> 01:11:47,595 TODD: Two minutes, Derek. 1175 01:11:49,555 --> 01:11:51,057 MAURY: There he is. 1176 01:11:51,724 --> 01:11:54,477 I just want to wish you good luck. 1177 01:11:55,645 --> 01:11:57,480 Don't you mean "Good-bye"? 1178 01:11:58,022 --> 01:11:59,357 What are you talking? 1179 01:12:03,569 --> 01:12:05,530 I know it was you, Maury. 1180 01:12:05,613 --> 01:12:07,198 I know it was you, 1181 01:12:07,573 --> 01:12:08,991 and it breaks my heart. 1182 01:12:09,784 --> 01:12:11,619 Derek, I don't know what you're talking. 1183 01:12:14,539 --> 01:12:17,041 Derek, I'm... 1184 01:12:19,627 --> 01:12:20,920 I'm sorry. 1185 01:12:21,963 --> 01:12:23,089 (TECHNO MUSIC PLAYING) 1186 01:12:28,261 --> 01:12:29,971 - (GASPS) - Glad you could join us, Kmart. 1187 01:12:31,264 --> 01:12:33,391 Lucky for you, there is no dress code. 1188 01:12:35,268 --> 01:12:37,687 MUGATU: <i>I am vile spew</i> 1189 01:12:37,770 --> 01:12:39,605 <i>of the wretched masses.</i> 1190 01:12:39,939 --> 01:12:44,110 <i>I am really, really dirty.</i> 1191 01:12:44,360 --> 01:12:47,154 {\an8}<i>I am Derelicte!</i> 1192 01:13:01,961 --> 01:13:04,005 You make me sick to my stomach, Jaco. 1193 01:13:05,756 --> 01:13:07,592 It'll all be over soon. 1194 01:13:07,675 --> 01:13:10,720 Derek Zoolander will be dead and you'll be fine. 1195 01:13:11,554 --> 01:13:12,972 You always are. 1196 01:13:13,055 --> 01:13:14,181 Come on, Derek. You're on. 1197 01:13:16,934 --> 01:13:18,477 Break a leg, Derek. 1198 01:13:42,168 --> 01:13:43,377 (GASPS) 1199 01:13:50,593 --> 01:13:51,594 Derek... 1200 01:13:52,595 --> 01:13:53,804 It's <i>Relax!</i> 1201 01:13:53,888 --> 01:13:54,931 I hate you. 1202 01:13:55,014 --> 01:13:57,516 I'm fine. I've done this a thousand times. 1203 01:13:58,851 --> 01:14:00,186 The trigger! It's... 1204 01:14:00,728 --> 01:14:01,854 (GROANS) 1205 01:14:09,528 --> 01:14:11,447 (<i>RELAX</i> PLAYING) 1206 01:14:11,948 --> 01:14:14,533 MUGATU: <i>Concentrate, Derelicte.</i> 1207 01:14:15,826 --> 01:14:19,246 <i>Do not be distracted by the beautiful celebrities.</i> 1208 01:14:19,330 --> 01:14:20,998 <i>Celebrities.</i> 1209 01:14:27,380 --> 01:14:31,968 Do what you've been trained to do and kill the Malaysian prime minister! 1210 01:14:33,010 --> 01:14:34,387 (GRUNTING) 1211 01:14:46,107 --> 01:14:47,566 Just do it already! 1212 01:14:48,109 --> 01:14:49,485 (SCREAMING) 1213 01:14:56,075 --> 01:14:57,410 (<i>ROCKIT</i> PLAYING) 1214 01:14:57,493 --> 01:14:58,661 D-Bone, I got your back! 1215 01:14:59,912 --> 01:15:00,913 What? 1216 01:15:01,038 --> 01:15:02,748 (PEOPLE APPLAUDING) 1217 01:15:03,708 --> 01:15:05,084 It's that damn Hansel! 1218 01:15:05,334 --> 01:15:06,752 He's so hot right now! 1219 01:15:08,546 --> 01:15:09,880 Popping and locking, fool! 1220 01:15:12,842 --> 01:15:14,427 They're break-dance fighting. 1221 01:15:19,306 --> 01:15:20,307 (GROANS) 1222 01:15:20,391 --> 01:15:21,934 (<i>RELAX</i> PLAYING) 1223 01:15:28,774 --> 01:15:30,401 (<i>ROCKIT</i> PLAYING) 1224 01:15:36,198 --> 01:15:37,491 (GROANS) 1225 01:15:46,167 --> 01:15:47,710 (<i>RELAX</i> PLAYING) 1226 01:15:58,888 --> 01:16:00,306 (EXCLAIMING) 1227 01:16:02,058 --> 01:16:03,476 (GRUNTING) 1228 01:16:17,156 --> 01:16:18,365 (GASPS) 1229 01:16:19,742 --> 01:16:22,342 Derek Zoolander just tried to kill the prime minister of Malaysia. 1230 01:16:25,122 --> 01:16:27,708 That's bullshit! Listen up, everyone. 1231 01:16:27,792 --> 01:16:29,251 Mugatu's a dick! 1232 01:16:29,835 --> 01:16:32,922 He tried to brainwash Derek to kill the Claymation dude. 1233 01:16:35,091 --> 01:16:38,761 That's a lie! Zoolander snapped because he's over the hill! 1234 01:16:38,844 --> 01:16:40,930 He knew his career was over and he couldn't face it. 1235 01:16:41,013 --> 01:16:42,431 No way, compadre. 1236 01:16:42,890 --> 01:16:46,477 We got 30 years of files right here in this computer! 1237 01:16:46,560 --> 01:16:48,354 They're gonna bring you down! 1238 01:16:48,854 --> 01:16:50,147 Oh, no. 1239 01:16:50,439 --> 01:16:51,482 Down! 1240 01:16:53,025 --> 01:16:54,527 (ALL GASPING) 1241 01:16:55,736 --> 01:16:57,071 Where did all the files go? 1242 01:16:59,240 --> 01:17:00,491 I'm taking you out! 1243 01:17:01,367 --> 01:17:03,828 Yo, taste my pain, bitch! 1244 01:17:08,374 --> 01:17:09,542 Yes! 1245 01:17:10,251 --> 01:17:11,335 Deal with that! 1246 01:17:13,087 --> 01:17:14,630 (BOTH GRUNTING) 1247 01:17:14,964 --> 01:17:17,883 You don't have the guts, Kmart! 1248 01:17:18,259 --> 01:17:20,302 Wanna bet? And by the way, 1249 01:17:20,386 --> 01:17:22,263 you were wrong about my outfit. 1250 01:17:22,346 --> 01:17:25,766 It's the Cheryl Ladd Collection, and I got it at J.C. Penney. 1251 01:17:26,392 --> 01:17:27,893 On sale. 1252 01:17:29,895 --> 01:17:30,980 Ooh. 1253 01:17:32,898 --> 01:17:36,152 MAURY: Jig's up, Mugatu. Everything they're saying is true. 1254 01:17:36,235 --> 01:17:38,529 I've been in on it for 30 years. 1255 01:17:38,612 --> 01:17:40,406 What are you doing, Ballstein? 1256 01:17:40,823 --> 01:17:44,410 I'm done, Jaco. I got a prostate the size of a honeydew, 1257 01:17:44,493 --> 01:17:46,245 and a head full of bad memories. 1258 01:17:46,328 --> 01:17:48,289 It's time to set things straight. 1259 01:17:48,372 --> 01:17:52,543 You have no evidence. Han-stupid destroyed everything. 1260 01:17:52,626 --> 01:17:56,255 I got two words for you, sugar, Zip disk. 1261 01:17:56,505 --> 01:17:59,425 The whole thing is in my den in Long Island. 1262 01:17:59,508 --> 01:18:01,844 I can have that evidence here in 20 minutes. 1263 01:18:01,927 --> 01:18:03,846 - That a boy, Maury. - Hold on a second. 1264 01:18:03,929 --> 01:18:05,347 I'm afraid of the radiation. 1265 01:18:05,431 --> 01:18:06,765 (DIALLING) 1266 01:18:08,767 --> 01:18:11,270 Sheila, honey, it's me. Listen. 1267 01:18:11,353 --> 01:18:14,857 I need you to bring that Zip disk in the den down to the fashion show. 1268 01:18:16,775 --> 01:18:18,861 I don't care what the traffic is like. 1269 01:18:20,196 --> 01:18:22,781 Take the God damn service road and get off before the bridge. 1270 01:18:24,450 --> 01:18:26,702 So put it in one of those Tupperware containers 1271 01:18:26,785 --> 01:18:28,865 and I'll heat it up in the microwave when I get home. 1272 01:18:29,788 --> 01:18:33,542 For Christ's sake, it's a casserole, Sheila! It'll stay! 1273 01:18:35,169 --> 01:18:36,170 Shut up! 1274 01:18:36,253 --> 01:18:38,214 Enough already, Ballstein! 1275 01:18:38,297 --> 01:18:41,217 Who cares about Derek Zoolander, anyway? 1276 01:18:41,300 --> 01:18:44,428 The man has only one look, for Christ's sake! 1277 01:18:44,511 --> 01:18:47,348 Blue Steel, Ferrari, Le Tigre? 1278 01:18:47,598 --> 01:18:49,183 They're the same face! 1279 01:18:50,684 --> 01:18:54,813 Doesn't anyone notice this? I feel like I'm taking crazy pills! 1280 01:18:56,482 --> 01:18:59,568 I invented the piano-key necktie! 1281 01:18:59,652 --> 01:19:01,445 I invented it! 1282 01:19:01,528 --> 01:19:04,323 What have you done, Derek? Nothing! 1283 01:19:04,448 --> 01:19:07,660 You've done nothing! Nothing! 1284 01:19:08,160 --> 01:19:11,789 And I will be a monkey's uncle if I have you ruin this for me! 1285 01:19:11,872 --> 01:19:15,084 Because if you can't get the job done, then I will! 1286 01:19:15,709 --> 01:19:17,836 Die, you wage-hiking scum! 1287 01:19:18,212 --> 01:19:19,463 (GASPS) 1288 01:19:22,216 --> 01:19:23,509 One look? 1289 01:19:24,593 --> 01:19:28,097 One look? I don't think so! 1290 01:19:29,765 --> 01:19:31,225 (ALL GASPING) 1291 01:19:40,651 --> 01:19:42,111 There it is! 1292 01:19:42,194 --> 01:19:43,362 Magnum! 1293 01:19:44,405 --> 01:19:46,198 Holy moly. 1294 01:19:46,282 --> 01:19:49,493 Yeah, baby! That's what I've been waiting for! 1295 01:19:49,868 --> 01:19:53,122 Dear God. It's beautiful. 1296 01:20:04,633 --> 01:20:06,135 (ALL CHEERING) 1297 01:20:07,094 --> 01:20:09,346 Yeah! 1298 01:20:09,722 --> 01:20:11,390 (CAMERAS CLICKING) 1299 01:20:15,769 --> 01:20:19,106 That's my kid. That's my son. 1300 01:20:21,108 --> 01:20:22,901 Whoo-hoo! Yeah! 1301 01:20:25,696 --> 01:20:26,697 Derek! 1302 01:20:27,072 --> 01:20:31,243 I love that kid. Dumb as a stump, but I love him. 1303 01:20:31,327 --> 01:20:33,287 Derek, you did it! That was amazing! 1304 01:20:33,370 --> 01:20:35,539 I know. I turned left! 1305 01:20:36,623 --> 01:20:37,750 Yeah, that too. But, Derek, 1306 01:20:37,833 --> 01:20:39,918 you saved the prime minister of Malaysia! 1307 01:20:40,252 --> 01:20:42,463 Oh, right. Cool. 1308 01:20:43,255 --> 01:20:46,258 Thank you, Derek Zoolander, for saving my life. 1309 01:20:47,051 --> 01:20:49,595 {\an8}(SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE) 1310 01:21:13,410 --> 01:21:17,122 Hi, I'm former male supermodel Derek Zoolander. 1311 01:21:17,206 --> 01:21:18,791 And here at the Derek Zoolander Center 1312 01:21:18,874 --> 01:21:20,292 for Kids Who Can't Read Good, 1313 01:21:20,376 --> 01:21:22,544 and Who Wanna Learn to Do Other Stuff Good, Too, 1314 01:21:22,628 --> 01:21:24,797 we teach students of all ages, 1315 01:21:24,880 --> 01:21:27,966 everything they need to know to learn to be a professional model 1316 01:21:28,050 --> 01:21:30,386 and a professional human being. 1317 01:21:30,469 --> 01:21:33,472 Our diverse faculty includes business management teacher, 1318 01:21:33,555 --> 01:21:36,225 and former model agent Maury Ballstein. 1319 01:21:36,308 --> 01:21:38,268 The designer's got your nuts in a vice, 1320 01:21:38,352 --> 01:21:40,687 offering you ten million plus three percent, 1321 01:21:40,771 --> 01:21:43,065 of every pair of underwear sold. 1322 01:21:43,148 --> 01:21:44,900 What are you gonna do? 1323 01:21:44,983 --> 01:21:48,070 Screw him! Hold out for more! 1324 01:21:48,153 --> 01:21:50,531 That's what I'm talking about! 1325 01:21:50,614 --> 01:21:53,409 So join now, because at the Derek Zoolander Center for Kids 1326 01:21:53,492 --> 01:21:56,412 Who Can't Read Good and Wanna Learn to Do Other Stuff Good, Too, 1327 01:21:56,495 --> 01:21:57,972 we teach you that there's more to life, 1328 01:21:57,996 --> 01:22:00,666 than just being really, really, really good-looking. 1329 01:22:00,749 --> 01:22:02,584 - Right, kids? - Right! 1330 01:22:02,668 --> 01:22:03,919 MAN: And cut! 1331 01:22:04,044 --> 01:22:05,421 (KIDS LAUGHING) 1332 01:22:05,504 --> 01:22:08,132 - Looks great. I think we got it. - All right, Mitch. Thanks. 1333 01:22:08,215 --> 01:22:10,759 - All right, everybody! That's a wrap! - Hey, Hansel. 1334 01:22:10,843 --> 01:22:14,430 Hey, D-Rock, I'm gonna take these kids over to the George Washington Bridge, 1335 01:22:14,513 --> 01:22:16,473 give them a little lesson in base jumping. 1336 01:22:16,557 --> 01:22:18,159 I'll catch you in the teacher's lounge later on? 1337 01:22:18,183 --> 01:22:19,226 All right. 1338 01:22:19,309 --> 01:22:22,029 All right, guys. Last one to the helicopter's a rotten egg. Let's go! 1339 01:22:22,062 --> 01:22:23,814 (CHILDREN CHEERING) 1340 01:22:23,981 --> 01:22:25,107 Hey, Matilda! 1341 01:22:25,190 --> 01:22:28,235 - There's Daddy! Hi. - Hey. 1342 01:22:28,652 --> 01:22:30,154 - How's Derek, Jr.? - He's great. 1343 01:22:30,237 --> 01:22:32,489 Guess what. He made his first look today. 1344 01:22:32,698 --> 01:22:33,699 Really? 1345 01:22:33,782 --> 01:22:35,617 You wanna show Daddy your look, Derek, Jr.? 1346 01:22:37,995 --> 01:22:39,204 (GASPS) 1347 01:22:41,373 --> 01:22:42,374 Wow. 1348 01:22:43,083 --> 01:22:46,462 - Wanna hang out for story hour? - Great. Yeah. Let's go. 1349 01:22:47,087 --> 01:22:49,673 - Hey, who wants to hear a story? - Yeah! 1350 01:22:50,424 --> 01:22:52,968 (<i>WAKE ME UP BEFORE YOU GO-GO</i> PLAYING) 1351 01:23:10,777 --> 01:23:13,071 (<i>RELAX</i> BY POWERMAN 5000 PLAYING) 1352 01:25:02,639 --> 01:25:05,434 (<i>HE AIN'T HEAVY, HE'S MY BROTHER</i> PLAYING) 1352 01:25:06,305 --> 01:26:06,240