Bill Burr: Let It Go

1 00:00:06,000 --> 00:00:12,074 2 00:00:52,820 --> 00:00:55,734 All right...thank you... 3 00:00:55,800 --> 00:00:58,440 Thank you, thank you. Thank you. 4 00:00:58,960 --> 00:01:00,520 Thank you. 5 00:01:01,040 --> 00:01:03,120 Thank you very much. 6 00:01:03,520 --> 00:01:09,660 Thank you for coming out here. Okay. Okay. All right. 7 00:01:13,560 --> 00:01:16,200 Okay, I didn't cure anything. 8 00:01:18,220 --> 00:01:19,500 Jesus Christ. 9 00:01:20,400 --> 00:01:23,260 Fucking Lifetime Achievement Award out here. 10 00:01:27,480 --> 00:01:32,780 I, uh, I have been on the road for the last five months. 11 00:01:32,860 --> 00:01:33,920 I don't know, man. 12 00:01:33,986 --> 00:01:37,080 I just... really thinkin' the worst of people. 13 00:01:38,040 --> 00:01:40,880 Really, yeah. You see some of the animals. 14 00:01:41,560 --> 00:01:44,086 Some of the animals I see. Like, I was in the airport 15 00:01:44,110 --> 00:01:45,160 the other day, right? 16 00:01:45,400 --> 00:01:48,080 I'm sitting there waiting for my flight, just hating my life. 17 00:01:48,146 --> 00:01:52,974 Watching this, watching this lady, she's eating Egg McMuffins, like plural. 18 00:01:53,040 --> 00:01:56,974 And just threw like three of them right down her throat, like a pelican, 19 00:01:57,040 --> 00:01:58,480 just like right down her gullet. 20 00:01:58,480 --> 00:02:02,660 And when she was done, she wiped her face with the bag. 21 00:02:03,160 --> 00:02:09,060 Ahh, with the bag. Not even like a gentleman. Like, no, just do the corners. 22 00:02:09,760 --> 00:02:14,960 She just got a straight razor shave. An absolute animal. 23 00:02:16,480 --> 00:02:19,954 I saw this other dude, he was so out of shape, he was like trying to 24 00:02:20,020 --> 00:02:22,060 itch his back and he couldn't reach it. 25 00:02:22,100 --> 00:02:27,234 So he walked up to a support pole that was holding up an entire floor 26 00:02:27,300 --> 00:02:31,900 of the airport and just walks up and he just starts like rubbing up against it. 27 00:02:32,200 --> 00:02:35,280 Like a grizzly bear. Just sitting there. 28 00:02:37,240 --> 00:02:39,880 Just a fucking animal. 29 00:02:43,760 --> 00:02:47,480 Dude, I am so pro-swine flu. It's, it's like ridiculous. 30 00:02:48,160 --> 00:02:53,860 I want it. We need a plague. I'm telling you, we need a plague. 31 00:02:54,160 --> 00:02:55,854 It's gotta happen. And don't be afraid. 32 00:02:55,920 --> 00:02:58,660 It's only gonna, it's only gonna kill the weak. Ya know? 33 00:02:58,680 --> 00:03:03,194 Seriously, put on a sweater, take some vitamins. 34 00:03:03,260 --> 00:03:04,780 You're going to be fine. 35 00:03:06,460 --> 00:03:08,534 You got to let Mother Nature do her thing, man. 36 00:03:08,600 --> 00:03:12,600 She keeps trying to help us out, and we won't let her do it. 37 00:03:13,920 --> 00:03:17,114 She keeps trying to thin the herd every single time. 38 00:03:17,180 --> 00:03:19,900 We're like, Oh, go down and get your vaccination. 39 00:03:19,940 --> 00:03:21,700 Why? Why? 40 00:03:22,160 --> 00:03:26,640 So Egg McMuffin lady can breed with the back fat guy, ya know. 41 00:03:30,800 --> 00:03:33,360 It's got to happen. You got to let her do it. 42 00:03:33,380 --> 00:03:37,340 Seriously, plague, it's like nature's forest fire, ya know. 43 00:03:37,340 --> 00:03:40,620 Just let it burn out all the dead wood. 44 00:03:43,000 --> 00:03:48,320 No, I swear to God, we're the only, we're the only species that saves the weak. 45 00:03:49,120 --> 00:03:51,820 We really are. Lions don't do that shit, ya know. 46 00:03:52,180 --> 00:03:54,754 Lion gets a little thorn in his paw and everybody's like, Oh, 47 00:03:54,820 --> 00:03:56,514 let's have an intervention. How are you feeling? 48 00:03:56,580 --> 00:03:57,580 Is everything all right? 49 00:03:57,646 --> 00:03:58,700 You need some penicillin? 50 00:03:58,900 --> 00:04:00,020 They're just like, fuck 'em. 51 00:04:02,220 --> 00:04:05,360 That's why there's no traffic on the Serengeti. 52 00:04:06,300 --> 00:04:09,154 Not a bunch of lions just standing there in gridlock. 53 00:04:09,220 --> 00:04:11,140 What the fuck is going on up there? 54 00:04:11,360 --> 00:04:14,520 Dude, go. Just fucking go. 55 00:04:16,280 --> 00:04:20,274 Hour later, you get up there, there's some hyena licking his balls like, 56 00:04:20,340 --> 00:04:21,900 Oh, that was the big holdup, right? 57 00:04:21,980 --> 00:04:23,900 Like you never saw that before. 58 00:04:24,020 --> 00:04:27,620 Oh, by all means, slow down and look at it. 59 00:04:32,400 --> 00:04:35,860 So, I got a girlfriend, man. 60 00:04:35,920 --> 00:04:38,094 I watch a lot of, uh, watch a lot of TV with her. 61 00:04:38,160 --> 00:04:39,640 Ya know. I just annoy the hell out of her. 62 00:04:39,706 --> 00:04:42,680 She loves watching the Oprah Winfrey show, and I love, like, watching her 63 00:04:42,746 --> 00:04:44,620 watch the Oprah Winfrey show. 64 00:04:44,700 --> 00:04:47,834 And I wait for Oprah to say something stupid, and the second she does, I just 65 00:04:47,900 --> 00:04:50,200 take it out on my girl 'cause I'm an asshole. 66 00:04:51,380 --> 00:04:53,000 No, that's what I do. 67 00:04:55,880 --> 00:04:57,620 No, we were watching it the other day. 68 00:04:57,686 --> 00:04:58,700 Ya know, Oprah's on there. 69 00:04:58,766 --> 00:05:00,720 She's interviewing some clam, ya know. 70 00:05:01,440 --> 00:05:05,894 And uh, she's giving her this big ridiculous intro. 71 00:05:05,960 --> 00:05:09,454 Like, she's done this, she's done that, she's done this, and she does 72 00:05:09,520 --> 00:05:11,760 the most difficult job on the planet. 73 00:05:11,840 --> 00:05:14,434 She's a mother and continues on. 74 00:05:14,500 --> 00:05:16,580 And iImmediately I just look at my girlfriend like, 75 00:05:17,200 --> 00:05:18,820 Ya know, like, really? 76 00:05:18,920 --> 00:05:23,420 Being a mother is the most difficult job on the planet. Oh, yeah, 77 00:05:23,486 --> 00:05:26,594 all those mothers who die every year from black lung from inhaling 78 00:05:26,660 --> 00:05:28,320 all that coal dust. 79 00:05:32,460 --> 00:05:36,780 Dude, women are just constantly patting themselves on the back 80 00:05:36,780 --> 00:05:40,434 about how difficult their lives are, and no one corrects them 81 00:05:40,500 --> 00:05:42,030 'cause they want to fuck 'em. 82 00:05:46,200 --> 00:05:47,760 No, that's what it is. 83 00:05:48,460 --> 00:05:51,700 No, there's just this tornado of like misinformation. 84 00:05:51,780 --> 00:05:54,580 I have the most difficult job on the planet. 85 00:05:55,660 --> 00:05:57,234 What would you rather be doing? 86 00:05:57,300 --> 00:06:01,220 Drilling to the center of the Earth, shaking hands with the devil? 87 00:06:01,320 --> 00:06:04,680 Every time there's a rumble in the ground, you wait for the whole thing to collapse 88 00:06:04,746 --> 00:06:09,220 down on top of you so they can write that folk song about you, ya know. 89 00:06:09,400 --> 00:06:13,674 Or would you rather be up in the sunshine, running around with a couple of toddlers 90 00:06:13,740 --> 00:06:15,985 that you can send to bed anytime you want 91 00:06:16,009 --> 00:06:18,654 on some sorta trumped up charges, right? 92 00:06:19,320 --> 00:06:23,300 Because you want to have a drink and watch the Price Is Right? You know what I mean? 93 00:06:24,180 --> 00:06:25,314 I couldn't believe it. 94 00:06:25,380 --> 00:06:29,460 It's the most difficult job on the planet. Oh, yeah. 95 00:06:29,460 --> 00:06:32,274 I thought roofing in the middle of July as a redhead. 96 00:06:32,340 --> 00:06:34,560 I thought that that was difficult. 97 00:06:34,820 --> 00:06:40,874 But these mothers are bending over at the waist, putting DVDs into DVD players. 98 00:06:40,940 --> 00:06:44,880 I don't know how they do it. I don't know how they do it. 99 00:06:47,320 --> 00:06:51,874 Dude, any job that you can do in your pajamas is not a difficult job. 100 00:06:51,940 --> 00:06:53,920 All right? Give me a break. 101 00:06:54,860 --> 00:06:58,674 Jesus Christ. You're 35 years old, playing hide and go seek. 102 00:06:58,740 --> 00:07:02,594 You're living the dream. You're living the dream. 103 00:07:02,660 --> 00:07:06,900 No time card, no taxes. You're off the fucking grid. 104 00:07:08,420 --> 00:07:12,420 You're making popsicle stick houses. I mean, I'm… 105 00:07:14,480 --> 00:07:17,560 It's the most difficult job on the planet. 106 00:07:17,680 --> 00:07:24,440 Oprah's not even a mother. How the fuck would she know? Unbelievable. 107 00:07:30,000 --> 00:07:36,120 Granted, neither am I, but I, ya know think it kinda balances itself out. I don't know. 108 00:07:36,280 --> 00:07:40,574 I'm so full of shit. I really am. I really realized that about myself. 109 00:07:40,640 --> 00:07:42,180 I mean, that's one thing about getting older, 110 00:07:42,204 --> 00:07:44,000 you just realize how full of shit you are. 111 00:07:44,600 --> 00:07:49,180 Ya know, people ask you questions, you just start answering them, ya know. 112 00:07:49,560 --> 00:07:53,080 You get to that point, you're just watching the shit coming out of your mouth. 113 00:07:53,746 --> 00:07:56,900 People sitting there listening, taking notes, ya know? 114 00:07:58,240 --> 00:08:00,311 It's like I flunked everything in high school. 115 00:08:00,335 --> 00:08:02,400 Why would you listen to me, ya know? 116 00:08:04,420 --> 00:08:06,748 I was having lunch with this girl the other day, right? Right in the 117 00:08:06,772 --> 00:08:08,900 middle of lunch, she looked across the table from me and she goes, 118 00:08:08,966 --> 00:08:12,334 um, this is going to seem oddly racist. 119 00:08:12,500 --> 00:08:15,660 And I was like, All right, this is going to be awesome. 120 00:08:17,520 --> 00:08:21,194 41 years old, never heard a conversation started this way. 121 00:08:21,260 --> 00:08:24,040 Let's have it, baby. Let's hear what you got. 122 00:08:24,080 --> 00:08:29,380 She's just like, um, there are a lot of Asians in this restaurant. 123 00:08:30,400 --> 00:08:34,360 I'm like, that's not racist. That's an observation. 124 00:08:34,800 --> 00:08:37,340 There are a lot of Asians in this restaurant. 125 00:08:37,620 --> 00:08:40,586 However, if you were to say, what the fuck are all 126 00:08:40,610 --> 00:08:44,140 these fucking Asians doing in this goddamn restaurant? 127 00:08:44,440 --> 00:08:48,160 Now, that, that would seem oddly racist. 128 00:08:48,160 --> 00:08:52,594 But you still haven't said anything bad about Asians, but you definitely seem 129 00:08:52,660 --> 00:08:57,080 to have a problem with them being in the restaurant, which is odd. 130 00:08:57,280 --> 00:09:00,914 That's odd because I've never heard any bad stereotypes about 131 00:09:00,980 --> 00:09:03,140 Asians in restaurants. You know what I mean? 132 00:09:03,140 --> 00:09:07,580 Like, dude, they come in, they're taking up all the tables. 133 00:09:07,780 --> 00:09:10,680 Ya know, just being all Asian. 134 00:09:13,040 --> 00:09:15,575 What do you hear? All you hear is about they're driving, 135 00:09:15,599 --> 00:09:17,847 right? Even that one's bullshit. It's not that they suck. 136 00:09:17,872 --> 00:09:20,421 There's no happy medium, ya know? 137 00:09:20,800 --> 00:09:23,492 It's either Tokyo Drift, 90 miles an hour, driving 138 00:09:23,516 --> 00:09:28,114 sideways, parallel parking, and breakdancing into the club, right? 139 00:09:28,180 --> 00:09:30,779 You're like, Jesus Christ, is that guy from the future? 140 00:09:30,803 --> 00:09:34,260 How does one man possess all of that talent? 141 00:09:34,880 --> 00:09:38,180 Or they're just stopping in an intersection. 142 00:09:38,760 --> 00:09:43,594 Ya know... They don't even get mad. They don't even get mad. 143 00:09:43,660 --> 00:09:47,470 They're like, I know I suck. I don't know what it is, it's like, it's boring. 144 00:09:47,694 --> 00:09:49,094 It's almost like it's so simple. 145 00:09:49,160 --> 00:09:51,060 I just start daydreaming, and I, ya know... 146 00:09:55,460 --> 00:09:56,540 I don't know. 147 00:09:56,780 --> 00:09:59,914 I find a lot of that, uh, lot of that racial stuff like fascinating. 148 00:10:00,000 --> 00:10:03,755 You know, like, the different rules of like how who gets in trouble, who doesn't. 149 00:10:03,755 --> 00:10:05,481 Like I noticed black people have the genius to put 150 00:10:05,505 --> 00:10:08,440 the curse word after they say the race of the person. 151 00:10:08,700 --> 00:10:10,780 Where white dudes, we always put it in front. 152 00:10:11,080 --> 00:10:15,780 And if we would just make that little adjustment, we could save so many careers. 153 00:10:15,800 --> 00:10:21,760 So many jobs could be saved in the white community if we would just put it after. 154 00:10:22,160 --> 00:10:24,935 You ever notice that in conversation here, a black guy being like, 155 00:10:24,960 --> 00:10:26,960 Man, I was standing there, this Asian motherfucker came in. 156 00:10:26,985 --> 00:10:29,940 He starts talking about... You don't even hear it. 157 00:10:30,460 --> 00:10:33,860 You're just sitting there, Oh, what did this Asian motherfucker do? 158 00:10:34,120 --> 00:10:38,140 I would love to hear the rest of this story, right? 159 00:10:40,020 --> 00:10:42,235 Dude, I would tell the exact same story, right? 160 00:10:42,260 --> 00:10:45,335 I'm standing there, right, this fucking Asian comes in, right? 161 00:10:45,860 --> 00:10:49,940 Everybody's all like, Whoa, whoa, hey, easy, easy, Jesus, dude. 162 00:10:50,020 --> 00:10:51,980 What year is it, ya know? 163 00:10:52,260 --> 00:10:54,708 It's like, Dude, I just said what he said. 164 00:10:54,732 --> 00:10:57,380 I just preempted the fuck. That's all I did. 165 00:10:57,440 --> 00:10:59,975 He suggests that he's hooking up with people's mothers. 166 00:11:00,000 --> 00:11:02,220 I'm not even doing that. It's just a quick... 167 00:11:02,245 --> 00:11:03,595 I got it out of the way. 168 00:11:03,620 --> 00:11:05,000 I got it out of the way. 169 00:11:05,960 --> 00:11:09,960 It's just how I talk. This fucking guy came in, this fucking Asian. 170 00:11:11,160 --> 00:11:14,860 Dude, are you wearing sandals? Jesus Christ. 171 00:11:15,280 --> 00:11:17,420 Oh, my God. Sandals? 172 00:11:19,120 --> 00:11:21,595 Middle of December. Yeah, fuck it. 173 00:11:21,620 --> 00:11:23,860 You're one of those people, Man, my feet don't get cold. 174 00:11:23,940 --> 00:11:25,140 Yeah, they don't get cold. 175 00:11:25,760 --> 00:11:28,695 There's always that one guy, big ski parka in shorts. 176 00:11:28,720 --> 00:11:31,675 Yeah, my legs, my legs don't get cold. My legs don't get cold. 177 00:11:31,700 --> 00:11:34,020 That's like his only hope of hooking up with somebody. 178 00:11:34,040 --> 00:11:36,440 Like, maybe that's interesting to mate with. 179 00:11:37,080 --> 00:11:41,060 That'll make a strong baby. His legs don't get cold. I don't know what it is. 180 00:11:42,360 --> 00:11:45,220 Plenty of blood for the, uh, organs. 181 00:11:47,200 --> 00:11:49,423 That had nothing to do with you. That had to do with me 182 00:11:49,447 --> 00:11:51,980 being on the road for four months. That's all it is. 183 00:11:55,120 --> 00:11:57,095 I, uh, I love this city, man. 184 00:11:57,120 --> 00:11:58,338 This is one of my favorite cities 185 00:11:58,362 --> 00:11:59,580 to come out to, man. I really do. 186 00:12:00,500 --> 00:12:01,340 I do. 187 00:12:02,040 --> 00:12:04,800 I like it. You know why? 188 00:12:05,320 --> 00:12:08,056 Nah, you got enough, there's enough weirdos here. You still got like 189 00:12:08,080 --> 00:12:10,815 a, ya know ,there's enough mom and pop sorta independent run stores. 190 00:12:10,840 --> 00:12:12,060 That's a big thing with me. 191 00:12:12,085 --> 00:12:16,145 Like when I go on the road, like, I can't, ya know, I can't do these, these chains 192 00:12:16,169 --> 00:12:19,629 anymore. You know, I just can't, you know how depressing it is to go to a town 193 00:12:19,653 --> 00:12:22,010 and see like another just hoard of fat people 194 00:12:22,034 --> 00:12:25,735 stumbling out of like a cheesecake factory? Ya know? 195 00:12:27,360 --> 00:12:29,601 Oh, they're horrific. Just pressing their face up 196 00:12:29,625 --> 00:12:33,517 against the glass. Oh, they put cookies in that one. Ya 197 00:12:33,541 --> 00:12:37,940 know, like they're inventing ways to get extra fat, ya know? 198 00:12:40,080 --> 00:12:42,448 You know, you know what I hate about these corporate 199 00:12:42,472 --> 00:12:45,240 chains? You go in there, you're paying for a business. 200 00:12:45,260 --> 00:12:47,700 They make you like do half the job now. 201 00:12:47,740 --> 00:12:49,596 I don't get it. Like, I walk in, Hey, let me get a 202 00:12:49,620 --> 00:12:51,980 turkey sandwich, lettuce, tomato on rye with mayonnaise. 203 00:12:52,040 --> 00:12:55,020 The guy behind the counter is like, Oh, a turkey sandwich, lettuce, tomato on rye. 204 00:12:55,045 --> 00:12:56,120 Yeah, and mayonnaise. 205 00:12:56,240 --> 00:12:58,460 Oh, the mayonnaise is, uh, it's right over there. 206 00:12:58,720 --> 00:13:03,620 Really? Why don't you, uh, fucking go over there and put it on my sandwich. 207 00:13:03,800 --> 00:13:06,660 You get it? I'm on this side of the register. 208 00:13:06,700 --> 00:13:11,140 The guy who orders the sandwich, guy who fucking makes the sandwich. 209 00:13:11,140 --> 00:13:12,220 You get it? 210 00:13:12,260 --> 00:13:15,880 I'm sorry they fired the mayonnaise guy, but I'm not doing it. 211 00:13:16,220 --> 00:13:21,320 I just gave you 100% of the money to make 100% of the sandwich. 212 00:13:21,900 --> 00:13:24,020 This isn't like a relay race. 213 00:13:24,080 --> 00:13:26,775 You make half the sandwich, then you hand it off to me. 214 00:13:26,800 --> 00:13:30,120 I run over, I throw a pickle on it, frisbee it over to my mom. 215 00:13:30,200 --> 00:13:33,140 She sticks an olive with a tooth pick in it. 216 00:13:34,060 --> 00:13:37,400 Do you recognize me? It's because I don't fucking work here. All right? 217 00:13:37,625 --> 00:13:42,200 Just make the sandwich. I'm out. 218 00:13:42,240 --> 00:13:44,040 I'm out. I gave you the money. 219 00:13:44,080 --> 00:13:46,720 I'm out. It's over. That's the end of my part. 220 00:13:47,640 --> 00:13:50,736 No, I asked the guy for a drink. He gave me a cup. 221 00:13:50,760 --> 00:13:53,156 I finally go, You know what? Let me just get this whole thing to go. 222 00:13:53,180 --> 00:13:54,661 and the guy's like, right, the to-go lids, they're 223 00:13:54,685 --> 00:13:56,535 right over there. You just snap the lid on top. 224 00:13:56,560 --> 00:13:59,120 I just wanted to grab this guy by his soul and go, Where is he? 225 00:13:59,140 --> 00:14:04,715 Where is he? Where's who? The guy making me do all this extra shit. Where is he? 226 00:14:04,740 --> 00:14:08,338 I just choke my way up that corporate ladder till I get to that 227 00:14:08,362 --> 00:14:13,060 Eyes Wide Shut party and everybody's sitting there getting blown, right? 228 00:14:14,460 --> 00:14:17,838 When I come, I just kick the door open. The second they see 229 00:14:17,862 --> 00:14:21,747 my angry face and that lid, I don't even have to explain myself. 230 00:14:21,771 --> 00:14:24,540 Just put it over somebody's face and just start... 231 00:14:25,164 --> 00:14:28,020 How big's your fucking yacht got to be. 232 00:14:30,440 --> 00:14:33,060 No, that's the thing. It's like never enough. 233 00:14:33,280 --> 00:14:35,820 It's never enough with those guys. You know why I can't stand now? 234 00:14:35,880 --> 00:14:37,300 Is when you, uh... 235 00:14:37,600 --> 00:14:39,642 Just get that out of the way for the taping. 236 00:14:39,666 --> 00:14:42,660 Cannot have that here for a taping. 237 00:14:42,740 --> 00:14:45,780 Cannot have a bottle cap. Let me put that down there. 238 00:14:46,240 --> 00:14:50,385 What if I slip and fell 17 minutes into my set? Then what 239 00:14:50,409 --> 00:14:55,000 happens? Huh? All goes off the rails. Now it's not a special. 240 00:15:01,440 --> 00:15:04,380 No, you know what I like? Is when when you go into these places, right? 241 00:15:04,405 --> 00:15:07,160 Even when they're getting your money, like, that's not enough 242 00:15:07,184 --> 00:15:10,200 for them. They want to suck, like, more information out of you. 243 00:15:10,280 --> 00:15:12,636 Went in and bought toiletries the other day, they 244 00:15:12,660 --> 00:15:15,416 asked me for like my phone number. I'm ringing it up. 245 00:15:15,440 --> 00:15:16,747 They're like, Can we have 246 00:15:16,771 --> 00:15:17,920 your phone number? No. 247 00:15:18,720 --> 00:15:21,740 Well, sir, we're not going to do anything with it. 248 00:15:21,800 --> 00:15:23,292 Really? You're just collecting 249 00:15:23,316 --> 00:15:25,460 numbers just for the fuck of it, you idiot. 250 00:15:26,360 --> 00:15:27,916 No, you can't have my phone number. 251 00:15:27,940 --> 00:15:29,796 Then they get like all freaked out, right? 252 00:15:29,820 --> 00:15:32,433 Well, sir, I have to put something in. If I don't 253 00:15:32,457 --> 00:15:35,015 If I don't input something in, I can't get to the next... 254 00:15:35,040 --> 00:15:36,429 What, what, what do I do? Well, 255 00:15:36,453 --> 00:15:38,795 fucking lean on the keyboard, sweetheart. 256 00:15:38,820 --> 00:15:40,220 I don't know what to tell you. 257 00:15:40,660 --> 00:15:43,555 Stick your finger on the one. There you go. 258 00:15:43,580 --> 00:15:45,315 That's my phone number. 259 00:15:45,340 --> 00:15:47,155 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9. That's it. 260 00:15:47,180 --> 00:15:51,060 I live in area code 123. Very exclusive neighborhood. 261 00:15:54,040 --> 00:15:55,460 Oh, it's the worst. 262 00:15:55,600 --> 00:15:58,500 You have our little savey-save, fucky-fuck card. 263 00:15:58,580 --> 00:15:59,580 No, no I don't. 264 00:16:00,840 --> 00:16:02,295 Would you like one? 265 00:16:02,320 --> 00:16:04,148 No, I wouldn't. Well, why not? 266 00:16:04,172 --> 00:16:06,000 Because you're up to something. 267 00:16:06,040 --> 00:16:08,335 I don't know what you're up to, but I know you don't want 268 00:16:08,360 --> 00:16:09,520 to make less money, all right? 269 00:16:09,545 --> 00:16:10,775 Stop fucking with me. 270 00:16:10,800 --> 00:16:14,360 Just ring this up and let me get on with my life. 271 00:16:15,320 --> 00:16:19,215 Evidently, what you're doing is you're giving them a free survey on what products 272 00:16:19,240 --> 00:16:22,735 you can't live without so they can jack the price of that up under the guise 273 00:16:22,760 --> 00:16:25,760 of giving you like a nickel off of like bootleg fruit loops. 274 00:16:25,900 --> 00:16:27,460 That's basically it. 275 00:16:28,480 --> 00:16:29,640 I read it on the internet. 276 00:16:29,665 --> 00:16:31,640 It's got to be true, right? It's got to be. 277 00:16:34,120 --> 00:16:37,640 No, I try to read. I can't. It makes me sleepy. 278 00:16:38,720 --> 00:16:40,568 No, it does. It's unreal. I can watch like 18 hours 279 00:16:40,592 --> 00:16:45,140 of TV, ya know, one murder mystery after another, ya know? 280 00:16:45,600 --> 00:16:47,360 Be on YouTube all night long. 281 00:16:48,840 --> 00:16:50,855 Spent four hours the other night just 282 00:16:50,879 --> 00:16:53,400 watching people get bit by poisonous snakes. 283 00:16:54,080 --> 00:16:59,115 Ya know, just having the time of my life. That's what you get you dumb bitch. 284 00:16:59,900 --> 00:17:02,060 Just screaming at my computer. 285 00:17:02,060 --> 00:17:05,460 I don't even know what I meant. It just felt good just to get it out. 286 00:17:07,400 --> 00:17:09,628 You give me a book, I just can't do it. I 287 00:17:09,652 --> 00:17:11,880 get like halfway down, just start nodding off. 288 00:17:14,160 --> 00:17:15,733 I don't know, you know what the worst things are? 289 00:17:15,757 --> 00:17:17,595 Those automated machines. You guys have those out here? 290 00:17:17,620 --> 00:17:19,460 Those automated checkout machines? 291 00:17:19,640 --> 00:17:21,325 Ya know, unbelievable. I couldn't believe it. The 292 00:17:21,349 --> 00:17:23,033 first time I walked into a supermarket and I saw 293 00:17:23,057 --> 00:17:24,815 that, I was like, This is ridiculous. Here it is. 294 00:17:24,840 --> 00:17:28,600 I thought I was a comedian. Evidently, I also work in a grocery store. 295 00:17:29,520 --> 00:17:32,200 Holy shit, I can't believe I forgot my apron. 296 00:17:32,200 --> 00:17:34,335 God damn it. Was I working tonight? 297 00:17:34,360 --> 00:17:36,620 Ahh, I should have checked the schedule. 298 00:17:37,920 --> 00:17:40,820 Dude, do you realize the balls of that? 299 00:17:41,680 --> 00:17:43,988 The balls of that. Yeah, I'm going to have a store. You come 300 00:17:44,012 --> 00:17:46,555 in, you pick out what you want, You bring it up, you ring it up, 301 00:17:46,580 --> 00:17:48,262 you pay me, you put it in a bag, and then 302 00:17:48,286 --> 00:17:50,180 you get the fuck out of my store. All right? 303 00:17:50,680 --> 00:17:54,560 Let's go, people. Step it up. I'm trying to run a business here. 304 00:17:56,580 --> 00:17:58,661 Dude, if that is the future, if there's going to be no 305 00:17:58,685 --> 00:18:01,460 employees at a grocery store, I'm never paying for food again. 306 00:18:01,800 --> 00:18:05,900 I'll be hooking up my friends like rolling hams out the front door. 307 00:18:07,020 --> 00:18:09,540 I want to steal now. I just don't have the nerve. 308 00:18:09,580 --> 00:18:12,915 I just want to fill up a whole grocery cart full of food, right? 309 00:18:12,940 --> 00:18:15,740 Just walk up to one of those automated machines. 310 00:18:16,080 --> 00:18:19,375 You count five Mississippi, eh, guess they don't want to get paid. 311 00:18:19,400 --> 00:18:21,640 Then you just start walking out. 312 00:18:22,240 --> 00:18:25,375 Then when security shows up, you just play dumb. 313 00:18:25,400 --> 00:18:27,676 I was like, What? I didn't know. I didn't 314 00:18:27,700 --> 00:18:30,238 know. Sir, you have to bring that back. No 315 00:18:30,262 --> 00:18:34,500 I don't. What are you going to cut my hours? I don't work here. 316 00:18:34,680 --> 00:18:38,415 I did my job. I picked out what I wanted. I brought it up. 317 00:18:38,440 --> 00:18:42,040 I was going to pay you, but you weren't there, so I fucking left. 318 00:18:43,264 --> 00:18:44,664 Ya know? 319 00:18:49,260 --> 00:18:52,460 What'd you think I was going to do? Arrest myself? 320 00:18:55,240 --> 00:18:59,115 Yeah, God forbid you want help. I'm telling you, I'm done with all these chains. 321 00:18:59,140 --> 00:19:01,315 I'm done with all of them. You can't get any help. 322 00:19:01,340 --> 00:19:02,740 You can never get anybody on the phone. 323 00:19:02,765 --> 00:19:04,971 And if you actually get somebody on the phone, ya know, 324 00:19:04,995 --> 00:19:07,200 nobody can help, but everybody understands. 325 00:19:07,780 --> 00:19:09,826 Ya know, and they're always sorry. Yes, sir. I'm sorry, 326 00:19:09,850 --> 00:19:11,895 sir. Yes, I understand. I understand. Well, I'm sorry. 327 00:19:11,920 --> 00:19:14,175 Well, I don't know why they transferred you to me. I'm sorry. 328 00:19:14,200 --> 00:19:16,200 Well, I would be upset, too, sir. I understand. 329 00:19:16,480 --> 00:19:21,780 I totally understand, and I'm sorry, and there's nothing I can do. Right? 330 00:19:22,800 --> 00:19:27,240 And the whole time, all they're doing is trying to get you to curse so you hang up. 331 00:19:27,260 --> 00:19:29,340 No, so they can hang up on you. That's all they're doing. 332 00:19:29,365 --> 00:19:33,440 They're trying to get you to curse so they can just hang up on you, ya know? 333 00:19:33,560 --> 00:19:35,355 So they, so they, so they gradually... 334 00:19:35,380 --> 00:19:37,520 But if you don't curse, they can't hang up on you. 335 00:19:37,620 --> 00:19:40,180 You can just keep torturing them. Well, why is that? 336 00:19:40,880 --> 00:19:43,820 You just keep it going around and around. 337 00:19:43,860 --> 00:19:46,980 See then, what they do is then they try to suddenly make it your fault. 338 00:19:47,700 --> 00:19:50,620 Well, sir, did you know, did you know your plane was going to be late? 339 00:19:50,620 --> 00:19:52,235 Well, why didn't you call ahead? 340 00:19:52,260 --> 00:19:54,535 Well, I didn't call ahead because I was on a fucking airplane. 341 00:19:54,560 --> 00:19:56,240 Sir, I don't need to listen to that. Click. 342 00:19:56,260 --> 00:19:58,000 Fuck. Right? 343 00:19:58,660 --> 00:20:00,678 Then you got to start all over again. 344 00:20:04,002 --> 00:20:07,920 Do you know how many times a week people say to me, why are you yelling? 345 00:20:09,520 --> 00:20:12,366 And I never feel like I am. Like, this right here is not yelling to me. 346 00:20:12,390 --> 00:20:16,095 It's just, ya know, I'm passionate about my opinions, 347 00:20:16,120 --> 00:20:18,188 and I want you to hear all of them before 348 00:20:18,212 --> 00:20:22,320 you get to talk again. That's basically it. It's not anger. 349 00:20:23,060 --> 00:20:26,320 Why are you yelling? You're... stop yelling. 350 00:20:27,680 --> 00:20:31,668 I'm not yelling. I got another couple of octaves. I can fucking... 351 00:20:34,692 --> 00:20:38,100 No, it's brutal. I don't want to be this guy, ya know? 352 00:20:39,440 --> 00:20:41,637 I'm halfway through my life at this age, ya know? And I've been 353 00:20:41,661 --> 00:20:43,999 an angry son of a bitch, and I got to turn this around, 354 00:20:44,023 --> 00:20:48,775 man, I'm embarrassed with... I don't want to be that guy. You die as the angry guy. 355 00:20:48,800 --> 00:20:50,796 That's the worst dude to die as because people got 356 00:20:50,820 --> 00:20:54,380 to try to think of happy shit to say about you, at your funeral. 357 00:20:54,400 --> 00:20:57,306 They're just sitting there like, he, uh, ya know he always 358 00:20:57,330 --> 00:21:00,020 paid his bills on time, ya know? You got to give him that. 359 00:21:00,180 --> 00:21:03,415 Ya know, goddamn it you gave this guy a bill, he paid it. 360 00:21:03,440 --> 00:21:06,040 This guy was a bill-paying son of a bitch. 361 00:21:06,440 --> 00:21:08,257 Ironed his shirts. I got nothing. I don't 362 00:21:08,281 --> 00:21:10,500 know what else to say about the guy. He's just... 363 00:21:14,140 --> 00:21:17,186 No...No, I noticed, you know when I knew I had 364 00:21:17,210 --> 00:21:19,276 an anger problem was when, uh, just like little 365 00:21:19,300 --> 00:21:21,395 random things. Like, I went to this place another time. 366 00:21:21,420 --> 00:21:24,155 I'm on the road and I'm ordering food, and I was done ordering the food, 367 00:21:24,180 --> 00:21:27,200 and the guy behind the counter asked me if I wanted a cookie, right? 368 00:21:27,880 --> 00:21:29,407 And all of a sudden, I just had this unbelievable urge 369 00:21:29,431 --> 00:21:31,660 just to blast this guy right in the face. 370 00:21:33,840 --> 00:21:36,735 I'm not trying to be paranoid, but my brain was just sitting there going 371 00:21:36,760 --> 00:21:40,000 dude, like, what kind of a man asks another man if he wants a cookie? 372 00:21:40,580 --> 00:21:43,195 This guy thinks you're soft or something. You want a cookie? 373 00:21:43,220 --> 00:21:44,795 Eh, you want a cookie there Cupcake? 374 00:21:44,820 --> 00:21:47,560 Who the fuck is? He doesn't fucking know you like that. 375 00:21:48,720 --> 00:21:52,000 You know what the sad thing was? Was I wanted a cookie. 376 00:21:52,360 --> 00:21:56,940 Ah, I would have loved one. Sit there with a big glass of milk like a four-year-old. 377 00:21:56,960 --> 00:21:59,300 Who doesn't love a cookie, ya know? 378 00:21:59,920 --> 00:22:02,150 But I say it. I say I want a cookie. You don't 379 00:22:02,174 --> 00:22:04,555 fuckin.. I say it. I say I want a cookie. 380 00:22:04,580 --> 00:22:07,540 I bring it up. But if you bring it up, you do it subtle. 381 00:22:07,580 --> 00:22:09,515 You don't just yell it across the restaurant. 382 00:22:09,540 --> 00:22:12,520 You want a cookie? Ya pussy...pussy...pussy... 383 00:22:17,480 --> 00:22:19,960 Ya, so that's what I realized. I got to... 384 00:22:22,880 --> 00:22:26,120 Anybody else's thoughts just wake 'em up in the middle of the night? 385 00:22:26,560 --> 00:22:31,060 You just wake up. I don't think I'm going to make it, ya know. 386 00:22:33,760 --> 00:22:35,515 No, you know what my big move was to... 387 00:22:35,540 --> 00:22:37,967 Actually, I'm a lot happier than I used to be, man. I fuck around 388 00:22:37,991 --> 00:22:40,380 a lot when I'm up here, but I'm definitely a lot more happier. 389 00:22:40,605 --> 00:22:43,900 My big move, ya know, I decided I wasn't going to go home for the holidays. 390 00:22:43,980 --> 00:22:45,023 That was a big thing. I had to. 391 00:22:45,047 --> 00:22:47,475 There you go, one guy, right there, ya. I had to. 392 00:22:47,500 --> 00:22:49,104 I don't know what age you decided not to, 393 00:22:49,128 --> 00:22:51,560 but I went home at 39, not married, no kids. 394 00:22:51,580 --> 00:22:55,295 and I was just like, there is no way I am going home at 40. 395 00:22:55,320 --> 00:22:56,780 There's no way. There's no way. 396 00:22:56,840 --> 00:22:58,789 People are already like asking questions. They just 397 00:22:58,813 --> 00:23:01,295 look at you weird. Just like... 398 00:23:01,596 --> 00:23:08,380 So, you're just... you're just gonna tell jokes, ya know? 399 00:23:08,960 --> 00:23:15,515 Talk about disease and wish it on people and make fun of people who like cake? 400 00:23:15,540 --> 00:23:17,140 Is that what you're going to do? 401 00:23:17,160 --> 00:23:20,975 You don't want to live in a cul-de-sac and have a couple of kids and gradually 402 00:23:21,000 --> 00:23:24,680 resent everyone and then take your own life? You don't want to do that? 403 00:23:27,180 --> 00:23:28,220 Yeah. 404 00:23:29,680 --> 00:23:33,516 No, dude, I would love to be married. Like in my head, it all makes sense. Like, 405 00:23:33,540 --> 00:23:35,974 I, ya know... I don't know what happened, but it just it 406 00:23:35,998 --> 00:23:39,007 scares me when I see married guys. I just get like nervous, 407 00:23:39,031 --> 00:23:42,740 man. I'm just going to be that stereotypical married guy, ya know 408 00:23:42,840 --> 00:23:47,218 just like a shell of my former self...ya know, every weekend up 409 00:23:47,242 --> 00:23:51,220 on that silver ladder, just scooping shit out of the gutters. 410 00:23:52,880 --> 00:23:55,020 My neighbor coming over, ya know. 411 00:23:55,800 --> 00:23:59,480 Hey, Bill, how's it going? I don't know. Pretty good, pretty good. 412 00:24:00,280 --> 00:24:03,725 Yeah, Susan keeps getting bigger, ya know. 413 00:24:03,749 --> 00:24:05,932 Been wearing this shirt for 11 years. I don't 414 00:24:05,956 --> 00:24:08,040 know what happened to my dreams, ya know. 415 00:24:08,065 --> 00:24:10,671 I just like coming up here 'cause it's quiet, ya know. 416 00:24:10,695 --> 00:24:14,301 I just stand up here, think about what might have been, yeah. 417 00:24:15,160 --> 00:24:17,685 My neighbor's not even listening to me. 418 00:24:17,709 --> 00:24:21,520 He's all excited about some garden hose he bought at Brookstone. 419 00:24:22,000 --> 00:24:24,480 He's convinced it was designed by NASA. 420 00:24:24,560 --> 00:24:28,520 Actually, it's got two nozzles, one for the hot and one for the cold. 421 00:24:28,600 --> 00:24:31,100 Really? Is it long enough to go around both our necks 422 00:24:31,124 --> 00:24:33,575 and the chimney so we can tandem jump off of this? 423 00:24:34,100 --> 00:24:38,040 That's all I really care about you and your little garden hose. 424 00:24:42,260 --> 00:24:45,920 Now, I know I just sorta mentioned killing myself there. 425 00:24:48,580 --> 00:24:51,965 I don't want to freak you out, all right? Because I did that 426 00:24:51,989 --> 00:24:54,777 joke when I was down the Bible Belt and, uh, 427 00:24:55,201 --> 00:24:57,655 was down south, and this girl took me really seriously. 428 00:24:57,680 --> 00:24:58,960 She came up to me at the end of the show, 429 00:24:58,985 --> 00:25:02,455 and she's like, you're not really thinking about doing something like that, are you? 430 00:25:02,480 --> 00:25:04,915 You're not really... I was like, No, no, no just joking, I'm just joking. 431 00:25:04,940 --> 00:25:06,808 She goes, Good, because ya know, you can't go 432 00:25:06,832 --> 00:25:09,000 to heaven if, if you do something like that. 433 00:25:09,320 --> 00:25:12,160 I was just like, Yeah, ya know, I really don't give a shit...ya know. 434 00:25:14,020 --> 00:25:16,146 It's not that I don't. I just like freaking out 435 00:25:16,170 --> 00:25:18,396 people that are that religious that 436 00:25:18,420 --> 00:25:21,275 have a whole little checklist of shit. 437 00:25:21,300 --> 00:25:24,260 If you do this, you go here, and if you do that, how do you know that? 438 00:25:24,285 --> 00:25:25,840 You don't know that. Shut up. 439 00:25:27,720 --> 00:25:30,248 I think it's a very normal thought. 440 00:25:30,872 --> 00:25:33,900 I think it's a very normal thought to think about killing yourself, ya know. 441 00:25:34,420 --> 00:25:35,420 I do. 442 00:25:35,920 --> 00:25:37,628 You know what's weird? Anytime I think about 443 00:25:37,652 --> 00:25:39,960 killing myself, it's never over anything big. 444 00:25:40,520 --> 00:25:41,760 It's always little things. 445 00:25:41,920 --> 00:25:45,780 Little things make me want to take myself out. It's bizarre. 446 00:25:46,120 --> 00:25:48,359 Like, if my girlfriend broke up with me, I'm not going 447 00:25:48,383 --> 00:25:50,995 to lie to you, I would be devastated. Devastated. 448 00:25:51,020 --> 00:25:54,172 Laying on the ground crying in the fetal position for like three days, 449 00:25:54,196 --> 00:25:57,700 ya know? But ya know about the fourth day, I'd rub one out, ya know. 450 00:25:58,280 --> 00:26:01,606 Start putting the pieces back together. I know what I gotta do. 451 00:26:01,607 --> 00:26:04,907 Join a gym, lie to myself that I'm going to get the six-pack back. 452 00:26:04,930 --> 00:26:06,756 I know what I gotta do, right? 453 00:26:08,480 --> 00:26:10,420 But little things. 454 00:26:10,980 --> 00:26:13,920 I thought about killing myself like a year ago on Thanksgiving. 455 00:26:14,320 --> 00:26:17,540 You know why I was? It was because I said I was going to make a pie. 456 00:26:19,120 --> 00:26:24,220 That little statement made me think about taking myself out. 457 00:26:24,360 --> 00:26:25,876 This is how it worked. This is basically 458 00:26:25,900 --> 00:26:28,716 the deal, right. My girlfriend's an angel. She absolutely loves the 459 00:26:28,739 --> 00:26:31,915 holidays. So it was like two weeks before Thanksgiving, so she's all excited. 460 00:26:31,940 --> 00:26:34,035 She's like, Oh, my God, Thanksgiving's coming up. 461 00:26:34,060 --> 00:26:35,235 I'm sitting there trying to watch the game. 462 00:26:35,360 --> 00:26:37,480 Thanksgiving. What are you going to do for Thanksgiving? 463 00:26:37,505 --> 00:26:39,015 Alright, and I started freaking out. 464 00:26:39,040 --> 00:26:41,300 Like I didn't think I had to do anything for Thanksgiving, ya know. 465 00:26:41,360 --> 00:26:42,850 Just thought I had to, ya know, not get 466 00:26:42,874 --> 00:26:44,680 drunk and be belligerent around your friends. 467 00:26:44,880 --> 00:26:45,920 I thought I was fine. 468 00:26:46,200 --> 00:26:48,080 She's like, No, I'm going to make a turkey. 469 00:26:48,120 --> 00:26:50,380 I'm going to make stuffing. What are you going to do? 470 00:26:50,405 --> 00:26:52,880 So I panicked. I'm like, I'll fucking make a pie. 471 00:26:54,780 --> 00:26:58,920 I don't know how to make a pie. I was just trying to make her go away, ya know? 472 00:26:59,360 --> 00:27:02,560 You ever do that? You just agree with them, thinking it'll make them leave. 473 00:27:02,585 --> 00:27:06,120 Like, Yeah, awesome. What you said. High five. Fuck off. 474 00:27:06,240 --> 00:27:07,920 And you go back to watching the game. 475 00:27:09,380 --> 00:27:13,360 Yeah. No, and it totally worked. 476 00:27:13,360 --> 00:27:15,988 It totally worked because she walked away completely excited. She 477 00:27:16,012 --> 00:27:17,410 was like, ya know, she went away all excited, 478 00:27:17,434 --> 00:27:19,040 and I totally forgot about it, right? 479 00:27:19,065 --> 00:27:21,715 Two weeks later, Thanksgiving comes up, right. She just wakes up. 480 00:27:21,740 --> 00:27:23,915 She's like, Oh, my God, it's Thanksgiving. It's Thanksgiving. 481 00:27:23,940 --> 00:27:25,195 You're going to make that pie, right? 482 00:27:25,320 --> 00:27:26,560 You said you're going to make a pie. 483 00:27:26,585 --> 00:27:27,760 And I was like, Fuck. 484 00:27:27,960 --> 00:27:29,400 I got to make a pie. 485 00:27:29,780 --> 00:27:32,800 I got to go to the grocery store. I got to buy some flour. 486 00:27:32,960 --> 00:27:35,800 Then I just started thinking, Man, what if I just slam my head right through 487 00:27:35,825 --> 00:27:39,880 this plate glass window and just bled out right down the side of the house, ya know. 488 00:27:40,180 --> 00:27:41,820 I wouldn't have to make the pie. 489 00:27:43,460 --> 00:27:45,238 So, it's not even like I'm suicidal. It's 490 00:27:45,262 --> 00:27:47,640 more like I'm like lazy. You know what I mean? 491 00:27:47,840 --> 00:27:50,228 Like whenever I know the next four hours of 492 00:27:50,252 --> 00:27:53,140 my life is going to suck, I think about it. 493 00:27:53,200 --> 00:27:55,033 God, I got to pay my taxes. 494 00:27:55,357 --> 00:27:57,840 It's a long line at the bank, and then a bus is coming by. 495 00:27:57,865 --> 00:28:01,575 What if I just dove headfirst, right under those double back tires. 496 00:28:02,600 --> 00:28:05,260 Anybody else? You ever think of shit like that? 497 00:28:06,260 --> 00:28:09,140 You know what gets me? Ceiling fans. 498 00:28:09,320 --> 00:28:11,975 Somebody's telling me some stuff I don't want to do. 499 00:28:12,000 --> 00:28:13,415 You're going to need two forms of ID. 500 00:28:13,440 --> 00:28:16,215 We need your birth certificate and a ceiling fan's behind the head. 501 00:28:16,240 --> 00:28:17,540 I'll be, I'll get right on that. 502 00:28:24,465 --> 00:28:27,655 So anyways, so I decided not to go home for the holidays. 503 00:28:27,680 --> 00:28:29,170 That's what I'm really trying to tell you here. 504 00:28:29,200 --> 00:28:31,095 No, I did. I kinda came to this epiphany. 505 00:28:31,120 --> 00:28:32,495 I'm like, Man, I'm 41 years old. 506 00:28:32,520 --> 00:28:34,520 My dad had five kids by the time he's my age. 507 00:28:34,540 --> 00:28:36,020 I got to get on with my life here. 508 00:28:36,460 --> 00:28:37,795 So, I was like going, you know what? 509 00:28:37,820 --> 00:28:39,875 I'm not working Thanksgiving. I'm not working Christmas. 510 00:28:39,900 --> 00:28:42,540 I'm not working New Year's. It was like the middle of October. 511 00:28:42,900 --> 00:28:44,875 I was like, Wait a minute. What about Halloween? 512 00:28:44,900 --> 00:28:46,680 Then my brain was like, You know what? Fuck this. 513 00:28:46,705 --> 00:28:50,915 I'm getting a pumpkin, right? That's how angry my brain is. 514 00:28:50,940 --> 00:28:51,995 It can't be just like, You know what? 515 00:28:52,020 --> 00:28:53,620 Hey, let's get a pumpkin. It's gotta be, You know what? 516 00:28:53,645 --> 00:28:55,115 Fuck this. Let's get a pumpkin. 517 00:28:57,040 --> 00:28:58,808 That's when I started thinking. Carving that 518 00:28:58,832 --> 00:29:01,100 shit, I'm handing out candy to to the kids. 519 00:29:01,880 --> 00:29:03,200 I'm meeting them at the door. 520 00:29:03,225 --> 00:29:05,640 Hey, what are you supposed to be, huh? Oh, yeah. 521 00:29:05,720 --> 00:29:09,415 Full-size Snickers. Bam. Who does that? Who does that? 522 00:29:09,440 --> 00:29:11,095 Nobody. Nobody. 523 00:29:11,120 --> 00:29:13,600 I will break your fucking bag with my candy. 524 00:29:14,560 --> 00:29:18,355 AC/DC pumpkin. You ever seen that before? You haven't, right? 525 00:29:18,380 --> 00:29:20,500 You tell all your friends where you've seen that shit. 526 00:29:21,060 --> 00:29:22,846 Look at you, leanin' to one side. That's heavy. 527 00:29:22,870 --> 00:29:26,580 Here's another candy bar. It'll be like dumbbells. Walk right down the stairs. 528 00:29:28,920 --> 00:29:32,615 This is how much of a maniac I am. D'ya know? This is all true. 529 00:29:32,640 --> 00:29:34,853 It took me four trips to go to the supermarket 530 00:29:34,877 --> 00:29:37,090 to finally be able to buy this goddamn pumpkin. 531 00:29:37,420 --> 00:29:39,308 Because every time I would walk in there to get 532 00:29:39,332 --> 00:29:41,220 it, I would be thinking all these happy thoughts. 533 00:29:41,245 --> 00:29:43,700 This is a great thing. I'm embracing the holidays. 534 00:29:43,780 --> 00:29:45,495 It's going to bring me and my girlfriend together. 535 00:29:45,520 --> 00:29:47,840 This is a very loving thing to do when I reach out and grab it, 536 00:29:48,165 --> 00:29:51,860 and all I hear in the back of my head is, What are you a fag? 537 00:29:52,400 --> 00:29:56,480 Immediately, I had to turn around and walk out. 538 00:29:59,560 --> 00:30:02,771 All right, Let me explain that joke to functional 539 00:30:02,795 --> 00:30:06,520 people in the crowd. Let me explain this. All right. 540 00:30:07,420 --> 00:30:09,480 This is how it works with guys. 541 00:30:09,960 --> 00:30:13,860 Anytime you do anything remotely sensitive, heartwarming, 542 00:30:13,880 --> 00:30:17,120 anything that's going to make you more of a loving, caring individual, 543 00:30:17,160 --> 00:30:21,240 immediately, all your guy friends suggest that maybe, just maybe, 544 00:30:21,320 --> 00:30:26,220 you want to suck a dick. Oh, it's brutal. 545 00:30:26,260 --> 00:30:28,655 Even if you do something smart, right? 546 00:30:28,680 --> 00:30:31,560 like it's raining out, he's got an umbrella. 547 00:30:31,600 --> 00:30:35,540 What a fag. Oh, my God. 548 00:30:35,560 --> 00:30:37,535 What are you afraid of the water? 549 00:30:37,560 --> 00:30:42,420 Put your shoulders up, you fucking homo. Jesus Christ. 550 00:30:42,760 --> 00:30:45,560 What, did you pull that thing out of your ass? 551 00:30:46,060 --> 00:30:47,540 Oh, it's brutal. 552 00:30:48,460 --> 00:30:50,420 It doesn't even have to make sense. 553 00:30:51,020 --> 00:30:53,323 You carved a pumpkin? What do you do next? 554 00:30:53,347 --> 00:30:57,080 Carve some guy's ass with your cock? What a fag. 555 00:30:57,760 --> 00:30:59,920 What are you going to blow a scarecrow? 556 00:31:00,040 --> 00:31:03,160 Dude, get away from me with your gay little pumpkin. 557 00:31:04,300 --> 00:31:05,400 Oh, it's brutal. 558 00:31:05,440 --> 00:31:09,720 Dude, what are you a fag is the reason why guys drop at 55 out of fucking nowhere. 559 00:31:09,800 --> 00:31:14,320 It's literally from five decades of just suppressing the urge to like hug a puppy, 560 00:31:14,460 --> 00:31:17,380 admit a baby's cute, say you want a cookie, 561 00:31:17,460 --> 00:31:19,368 you just got to keep pushing it down like, Fuck 562 00:31:19,392 --> 00:31:22,100 that, I'm not sucking dick. I'm not sucking dick. 563 00:31:22,475 --> 00:31:25,675 Right? Yeah. 564 00:31:28,500 --> 00:31:29,540 No, no, no. 565 00:31:29,580 --> 00:31:33,904 And then one day, one day you're in a Denny's, and if you get to put bananas in 566 00:31:33,928 --> 00:31:37,999 your pancakes, you just have like an aneurysm, and your head slams off 567 00:31:38,023 --> 00:31:42,093 that sticky table. And the last thing you hear before it all goes black 568 00:31:42,117 --> 00:31:45,580 is your friend's going, He got bananas in his pancakes. 569 00:31:45,820 --> 00:31:47,220 What a fag... 570 00:31:47,440 --> 00:31:52,160 Oh, my God, it wasn't sweet enough with the syrup, you fairy. 571 00:31:52,200 --> 00:31:56,300 Hey, bring another one over whole and shove it up his ass, right? 572 00:31:56,420 --> 00:31:59,975 Yeah, because it looks like a dick, right? It looks like a dick. 573 00:32:00,000 --> 00:32:03,020 Yeah, I thought it, then I said it. I'm awesome, yeah. 574 00:32:05,520 --> 00:32:09,640 It's a horrible, horrible way to live your life. 575 00:32:10,220 --> 00:32:13,380 You can't live. You're just dying every day. 576 00:32:14,180 --> 00:32:17,995 Just every dumb thing that you can do as a guy, any stupid thing that's going to 577 00:32:18,020 --> 00:32:20,040 shorten your life makes you more of a man. 578 00:32:20,520 --> 00:32:22,435 Fucking zero degrees out, you don't have a coat on. 579 00:32:22,460 --> 00:32:23,635 Dude, you're cold? Can't admit it. 580 00:32:23,660 --> 00:32:25,160 No, I'm not cold. Dude, I'm not cold. 581 00:32:25,185 --> 00:32:27,600 I'm just thinking of something I really agree with, ya know? 582 00:32:33,720 --> 00:32:37,680 Trying to let go of this ball of hate in my chest. 583 00:32:38,100 --> 00:32:39,820 That's why I don't have any kids. 584 00:32:40,160 --> 00:32:44,500 I don't. I think it's irresponsible to be a complete maniac, not work on yourself, 585 00:32:44,580 --> 00:32:47,435 and then just have a kid, and then just start downloading all your 586 00:32:47,460 --> 00:32:50,480 fucked up thoughts onto their little pristine little hard drive. 587 00:32:50,700 --> 00:32:56,175 Ya know, just send them off to school with your little, your little manifestos. 588 00:32:56,200 --> 00:32:58,340 They're freaking out other kids at school. 589 00:32:58,960 --> 00:33:01,320 Two plus two, Timmy, what did you get? 590 00:33:01,340 --> 00:33:04,380 Daddy keeps cash in the walls because he doesn't trust banks. 591 00:33:09,960 --> 00:33:10,980 Yeah. 592 00:33:11,340 --> 00:33:14,706 No, it's embarrassing to know this little about 593 00:33:14,730 --> 00:33:16,596 yourself at my age, man. I got to get beyond. 594 00:33:16,620 --> 00:33:18,590 Like, do you know I finally ended up getting that pumpkin? 595 00:33:18,620 --> 00:33:20,593 Yeah, I did it. I actually had to bring my girlfriend 596 00:33:20,617 --> 00:33:23,360 down to the supermarket, and I had to walk her 597 00:33:23,420 --> 00:33:26,034 by the pumpkins because I knew the second I did 598 00:33:26,058 --> 00:33:28,215 it, she was going to freak out. And she did. 599 00:33:28,240 --> 00:33:30,680 The second she saw them, she was just like, Oh, my God, a pumpkin. 600 00:33:30,705 --> 00:33:33,315 Halloween's coming up. We should get a pumpkin. 601 00:33:33,340 --> 00:33:34,260 Oh God, let's get a pumpkin. 602 00:33:34,285 --> 00:33:35,733 Starts doing like this little pumpkin damce 603 00:33:35,957 --> 00:33:38,141 and I had this unbelievable urge just to take her 604 00:33:38,165 --> 00:33:41,260 head and just fucking mush it right into the pumpkins. 605 00:33:41,500 --> 00:33:43,340 And really hold it there for a second. 606 00:33:43,365 --> 00:33:45,168 Like, feel the panic in the back of 607 00:33:45,192 --> 00:33:48,460 her head as the air bubbles became like less and less frequent. 608 00:33:48,520 --> 00:33:51,360 She sat there contemplating, Is this how it's going to end? 609 00:33:51,360 --> 00:33:53,375 Pumping seeds up my nose. 610 00:33:53,400 --> 00:33:57,520 I always envisioned being surrounded by loved ones, looking back on achievements. 611 00:33:57,560 --> 00:33:59,300 It's so orange. 612 00:34:01,900 --> 00:34:03,800 No, I resented her. 613 00:34:04,380 --> 00:34:06,760 Resented the fact she gets to be a fag. 614 00:34:07,880 --> 00:34:11,380 She does. She gets to see a pumpkin. Oh, my God! Right? 615 00:34:11,380 --> 00:34:13,700 Sees a little puppy. It's so cute. 616 00:34:13,920 --> 00:34:15,515 Cries at sad movies. 617 00:34:15,540 --> 00:34:18,900 I got to hold on to all of that shit, slowly dying inside. 618 00:34:19,080 --> 00:34:22,375 Go out to go see a sad movie comes to the sad part. 619 00:34:22,400 --> 00:34:23,655 What do I do? She's crying. 620 00:34:23,680 --> 00:34:24,935 I got to think of some funny shit. 621 00:34:24,960 --> 00:34:27,460 What if somebody kicks Sean Penn in the balls right now? 622 00:34:27,485 --> 00:34:28,640 I start laughing. 623 00:34:28,920 --> 00:34:32,200 Then they get mad at How could you laugh during a time like this? 624 00:34:32,225 --> 00:34:33,760 Because I'm fucking allowed. 625 00:34:36,780 --> 00:34:38,915 That's right. Thank you, sir. 626 00:34:38,940 --> 00:34:41,260 I like how you turn this into a town meeting, this guy down here. 627 00:34:41,285 --> 00:34:43,700 That's right. That's exactly it. 628 00:34:46,380 --> 00:34:48,416 I always wanted to cry when I was watching 629 00:34:48,440 --> 00:34:51,420 Lifetime, but ya know, I was never allowed to. 630 00:34:53,880 --> 00:34:55,240 Fucking sick. 631 00:34:56,320 --> 00:34:59,835 Hopped up on Dayquil. I think that's my tribute to The Fillmore. 632 00:34:59,960 --> 00:35:02,620 That's the drug I did before I got on stage. 633 00:35:04,880 --> 00:35:09,460 I had to be a little buzzed, right? My own little pedestrian way. 634 00:35:11,360 --> 00:35:15,022 So anyways, uh, no my last... I just feel myself. I'm starting to change, man. 635 00:35:15,046 --> 00:35:17,249 I'm a happier person, and I think I'm ready, man. I want 636 00:35:17,273 --> 00:35:19,475 to have a kid. It's a big thing. I want to have a kid. 637 00:35:19,500 --> 00:35:22,775 But the only thing I'm worried about, about that, is I like little kids. 638 00:35:22,800 --> 00:35:24,095 I like them when they're little. 639 00:35:24,120 --> 00:35:26,018 I don't like when they get bigger and they start 640 00:35:26,042 --> 00:35:27,840 thinking like they know shit, ya know? 641 00:35:27,980 --> 00:35:31,300 Like, I understand why parents hit their kids. I get it, ya know. 642 00:35:31,340 --> 00:35:34,208 I'm not saying take your day out on them, but definitely, ya know, 643 00:35:34,232 --> 00:35:38,800 they get a little lippy, ya know, throw out a jab, set the tone, ya know? Sorta... 644 00:35:42,480 --> 00:35:44,657 No, when they start thinking they know stuff, 645 00:35:45,381 --> 00:35:48,055 My buddy's got a kid. His kid is at that age, right? 646 00:35:48,080 --> 00:35:49,690 They invited me over to, ya know, come to dinner 647 00:35:49,714 --> 00:35:51,220 the other day because I'm like at that age. 648 00:35:51,245 --> 00:35:53,047 I'm like that weirdo guy. They feel, they 649 00:35:53,071 --> 00:35:55,100 fell sad for us. They got to invite me over. 650 00:35:56,360 --> 00:35:59,380 Yeah, I really have a pathetic existence at this point in my life. 651 00:35:59,620 --> 00:36:02,680 So I'm sitting there, I'm trying to be social with the kid, ya know? 652 00:36:02,760 --> 00:36:04,324 And he's really into space. So I'm like, Hey, look, 653 00:36:04,348 --> 00:36:06,240 the stars are out, huh, the stars are out? 654 00:36:06,465 --> 00:36:08,532 The kid's like, Actually, that's not a star. 655 00:36:08,556 --> 00:36:11,695 That one is Jupiter. Jupiter is the fifth planet. 656 00:36:11,720 --> 00:36:13,935 And I'm like, ehh, wow. Hey. 657 00:36:13,960 --> 00:36:15,770 You got to do that bullshit like you're impressed. 658 00:36:15,800 --> 00:36:17,495 Ahh, that's amazing. Wow. 659 00:36:17,520 --> 00:36:19,880 Really? Is it? Is it? 660 00:36:21,320 --> 00:36:24,075 They won't shut up. They just keep going on. 661 00:36:24,100 --> 00:36:25,740 It's got 17 moons. 662 00:36:25,760 --> 00:36:29,815 And I gotta sit there acting impressed because I'm just waiting for another adult 663 00:36:29,840 --> 00:36:33,120 to come by and just scoop the kid up and just rescue me. 664 00:36:34,360 --> 00:36:36,347 I've gotta sit there and act like I'm amazed with this? 665 00:36:36,371 --> 00:36:38,335 I saw a stripper quit on stage two months ago. 666 00:36:38,360 --> 00:36:41,280 What do you think you're going to tell me that's going to blow my mind? 667 00:36:41,305 --> 00:36:43,680 You're not. Nothing... You got nothing. 668 00:36:45,120 --> 00:36:47,901 So the kid just kept going on, and on, it's got this, 669 00:36:47,925 --> 00:36:49,840 it's got that. And I couldn't take it anymore. 670 00:36:49,865 --> 00:36:53,080 So, you know what I finally did? I poured a little water on him. 671 00:36:55,320 --> 00:36:57,480 Ahhh, he didn't know what to do. It was great. 672 00:36:57,760 --> 00:36:59,860 He just sat and he just froze up. 673 00:37:00,300 --> 00:37:02,938 He didn't have the, he didn't have the social maturity 674 00:37:02,962 --> 00:37:05,600 to be like, Dude, did you just fucking pour water on me? 675 00:37:05,980 --> 00:37:09,260 How old are you? What kind of a person does something like that? 676 00:37:09,300 --> 00:37:12,600 So I'm sitting there, I am laughing my ass off. 677 00:37:13,220 --> 00:37:15,435 I'm dying. I'm like, I cracked the code. 678 00:37:15,460 --> 00:37:18,260 I finally figured out what to do in this situation. 679 00:37:18,280 --> 00:37:19,680 And you know what this little bastard did? 680 00:37:19,705 --> 00:37:21,940 He went in the kitchen, he fucking told on me. 681 00:37:23,000 --> 00:37:24,895 Then my buddy's wife comes running out. 682 00:37:24,920 --> 00:37:29,015 She starts screaming at me like I'm five years old, which technically I am because 683 00:37:29,040 --> 00:37:32,355 I'm pouring water on like, ya know, six-year-olds, right? 684 00:37:32,880 --> 00:37:34,375 We don't do that. We don't do that in this house. 685 00:37:34,375 --> 00:37:36,510 That is a no, no, no, no, no, we don't do that. 686 00:37:36,711 --> 00:37:38,891 That's when my temper came up, and I'd be like, you know what, fuck you, 687 00:37:38,915 --> 00:37:42,095 fuck the kid, fuck Jupiter, I'm outta here. I don't need this, right? 688 00:37:45,996 --> 00:37:47,596 No, but I didn't do it. I just sat there and I was like, 689 00:37:47,620 --> 00:37:50,730 Look, you're pouring water on kids, okay? 690 00:37:51,800 --> 00:37:53,510 I just had an honest moment with myself. 691 00:37:53,605 --> 00:37:56,175 Ya know when you try to debate it in your head to try to make yourself right. 692 00:37:56,200 --> 00:37:58,800 Yeah, but dude, it's bottled water. Like this kid doesn't get rained on. 693 00:37:58,801 --> 00:38:01,516 That acid rain, actually, you were cleansing his brow. 694 00:38:04,620 --> 00:38:06,616 I don't know. But I'm going to have a kid because I 695 00:38:06,640 --> 00:38:08,636 I like when they're little, it's just worth it. 696 00:38:09,260 --> 00:38:12,141 Ya know. I like toddlers, man. That's, that's the best age. 697 00:38:12,165 --> 00:38:15,340 They're hilarious, ya know, They never have a shirt on. 698 00:38:15,340 --> 00:38:18,520 They already got a beer belly, even though they never drank before. 699 00:38:18,740 --> 00:38:21,440 And they're not even self-conscious. They don't try to suck it in. 700 00:38:21,465 --> 00:38:23,740 They just let it hang out over the diaper. 701 00:38:23,740 --> 00:38:27,780 Got like cereal in their hair. They're a mess. They're a mess. 702 00:38:28,100 --> 00:38:32,595 They just see people talking, they just come up, I can't afford an apple jack. 703 00:38:32,620 --> 00:38:34,500 They just start telling a story. 704 00:38:34,560 --> 00:38:36,940 They don't even have the decency to start at the beginning. 705 00:38:36,965 --> 00:38:38,877 They like start in the middle, then they jump 706 00:38:38,901 --> 00:38:41,120 back to the beginning, and then they tell the end. 707 00:38:41,140 --> 00:38:45,140 It's like a Tarantino movie, like Travolta's walking by in the background. 708 00:38:45,180 --> 00:38:46,635 He's Brody Applejack. 709 00:38:46,660 --> 00:38:50,320 It's like, What the fuck is this kid talking about? I love him. 710 00:38:50,420 --> 00:38:52,376 Somebody get him a stool to sit down. He 711 00:38:52,400 --> 00:38:54,760 sounds like he's going to have a heart attack. 712 00:38:55,320 --> 00:38:57,460 He's like drooling all over himself. 713 00:38:57,880 --> 00:39:01,180 Do they make wife beaters for little two-year-olds? They should do it. 714 00:39:01,620 --> 00:39:04,220 Little, little Fisher Price Harley Davidson. 715 00:39:04,880 --> 00:39:07,080 Ahh, I can't take it. They're adorable. 716 00:39:14,480 --> 00:39:16,476 No, but it's a scary time, dude. It's a scary time to 717 00:39:16,500 --> 00:39:18,096 raise a kid. That's the only thing I'm worried about. 718 00:39:18,120 --> 00:39:19,900 It's a really scary time, ya know. 719 00:39:19,900 --> 00:39:22,816 I think, I think they're getting ready to like microchip all of us. 720 00:39:23,540 --> 00:39:25,768 I'm not even joking, dude. Have you seen that new Duracell 721 00:39:25,792 --> 00:39:28,520 commercial where that woman can't find her kid in the park? 722 00:39:29,260 --> 00:39:32,068 Ya know. Dude, what kind of a fucked up way is that to 723 00:39:32,092 --> 00:39:35,800 sell batteries? It's a little hardcore, don't you think? 724 00:39:36,080 --> 00:39:37,895 Don't you remember the old battery commercials? 725 00:39:37,920 --> 00:39:40,000 They show some guy in a rainstorm, right? 726 00:39:40,040 --> 00:39:43,900 Changing a tire, takes out a flashlight, Oh, thank God I had Duracell. 727 00:39:43,980 --> 00:39:46,300 I can see how wet I'm getting. That was it. 728 00:39:47,000 --> 00:39:50,240 Now they're showing this woman she can't find her kid in the park. 729 00:39:50,800 --> 00:39:53,400 She's sitting there going like, Kevin? Kevin? 730 00:39:54,260 --> 00:39:56,020 Has anybody seen Kevin? 731 00:39:56,520 --> 00:39:59,300 Sitting there freaking out then she pulls out this device. 732 00:40:00,720 --> 00:40:02,598 And then all of a sudden, Kevin comes running out of 733 00:40:02,622 --> 00:40:05,700 the woods, and they're just like, Duracell batteries. 734 00:40:06,380 --> 00:40:08,500 It's like, Dude, fuck the batteries. 735 00:40:08,500 --> 00:40:11,120 What was that thing she just took out of her pocket? 736 00:40:12,100 --> 00:40:14,700 How did Kevin know to come out of the woods? 737 00:40:15,220 --> 00:40:18,375 He didn't have an antenna. His sneakers weren't glowing. 738 00:40:18,400 --> 00:40:22,000 What the fuck is in Kevin that is connected to that? 739 00:40:22,160 --> 00:40:25,120 No, don't just show me that like that's normal. 740 00:40:25,240 --> 00:40:27,100 Oh, yeah, remote control kids. 741 00:40:27,160 --> 00:40:28,960 Ahh, let's go see mommy. 742 00:40:29,960 --> 00:40:33,380 Dude, that is some creepy New World Order shit. 743 00:40:34,700 --> 00:40:38,220 Evidently, it's a bracelet, and they just put the microchip in there. 744 00:40:38,340 --> 00:40:39,195 But that's how they're going to do it. 745 00:40:39,220 --> 00:40:41,740 They're going to scare the shit out of you that someone's going to take your kid. 746 00:40:41,765 --> 00:40:42,795 Eh, it's just a bracelet. 747 00:40:42,820 --> 00:40:43,995 But what if they take the bracelet? 748 00:40:44,020 --> 00:40:45,620 Oh, we'll just glue it to the forehead. 749 00:40:45,645 --> 00:40:47,540 Ah, we'll just sorta drill it in there. 750 00:40:48,100 --> 00:40:50,148 I'm telling you, whatever they're doing to dogs, 751 00:40:50,172 --> 00:40:52,720 they're going to be doing to us in like 10 years, right? 752 00:40:52,800 --> 00:40:56,275 They got those things microchipped with their balls cut off. Telling you. 753 00:40:56,705 --> 00:41:00,115 They're going to have us on TV waiting to get rescued like some accountant 754 00:41:00,140 --> 00:41:03,900 looking all fucked up at the TV, right? 755 00:41:06,240 --> 00:41:08,560 That's what you're going to hear in the future. 756 00:41:08,560 --> 00:41:10,220 That's going to be the future. Dude, d'ya hear about Eddie? 757 00:41:10,245 --> 00:41:12,860 Ahh, they turned his chip off, man. 758 00:41:13,200 --> 00:41:16,080 Dude, the guy's fucked. He is fucked. 759 00:41:16,680 --> 00:41:18,708 He made one little joke about the government. 760 00:41:18,732 --> 00:41:20,760 Next thing you know, he had to buy a round. 761 00:41:20,900 --> 00:41:23,720 His head wouldn't go through. They kept scanning it. Nothing. 762 00:41:23,800 --> 00:41:27,480 He's outside screaming up at a satellite, ahh, turn it back on. 763 00:41:27,560 --> 00:41:31,120 They're not turning it back on. The dude's fucked. The dude is fucked. 764 00:41:31,160 --> 00:41:34,120 Dude, I ain't standing next to him. They're going to shut my chip off. 765 00:41:34,145 --> 00:41:35,700 I don't even know that guy. 766 00:41:39,080 --> 00:41:42,775 Ah, dude, bankers, I think they, they run the world. Bankers run the world. 767 00:41:42,800 --> 00:41:45,995 According to my YouTube Wikipedia research. 768 00:41:46,920 --> 00:41:50,160 Don't listen to me, I'm an idiot. But I swear to God, I think they do. 769 00:41:51,080 --> 00:41:53,580 Fucking blowing off the president, ya know? 770 00:41:54,300 --> 00:41:55,700 That's what killed me. Nerds. 771 00:41:55,700 --> 00:41:58,020 Nerds run the fucking world. I couldn't believe it. 772 00:41:58,100 --> 00:41:59,955 I thought it was gonna be somebody big and scary. Nerds. 773 00:41:59,980 --> 00:42:03,040 Remember those kids in fourth grade who would strike out playing kickball? 774 00:42:03,065 --> 00:42:05,800 Which is practically physically impossible. 775 00:42:05,860 --> 00:42:09,835 The ball was like half the size of your body, but somehow they do it. 776 00:42:09,860 --> 00:42:13,620 Big swing and a miss, penny loafer flying down the third baseline. 777 00:42:13,900 --> 00:42:18,860 Those are the guys. Dude... they, they, they... ahh... 778 00:42:19,500 --> 00:42:22,980 Can anybody explain to me the difference between loan sharking and banking? 779 00:42:23,000 --> 00:42:25,940 Is there any, is there any fucking difference at this point? 780 00:42:25,940 --> 00:42:27,876 This one guy was like, Well, dude, I'll tell you, ya know, 781 00:42:27,900 --> 00:42:29,436 the bank won't break your legs. 782 00:42:29,460 --> 00:42:30,960 Well, it doesn't fucking have to. 783 00:42:31,680 --> 00:42:33,914 What its doing is legal. The reason why a loan 784 00:42:33,938 --> 00:42:35,975 shark does it is because what he does is not legal. 785 00:42:36,100 --> 00:42:37,755 So then, What are ya gonna do? Take me to court? 786 00:42:37,780 --> 00:42:40,080 Breaks your leg, Hey, alright, I'll fucking pay you. 787 00:42:42,480 --> 00:42:44,820 No, I know, I'm a maniac. I'm becoming that guy. 788 00:42:44,900 --> 00:42:47,140 That conspiracy theory guy, you know those guys? 789 00:42:47,220 --> 00:42:48,035 You hang out with them. 790 00:42:48,060 --> 00:42:50,755 Everything's cool for like the first 10 minutes you're watching the game. 791 00:42:50,780 --> 00:42:52,315 Then all of a sudden, he just looks at you like, Dude, 792 00:42:52,340 --> 00:42:54,835 there's no gold behind our currency. You realize that, don't you? 793 00:42:54,860 --> 00:42:56,875 Ehh, that's great. Let me grab my drink. 794 00:42:56,900 --> 00:42:59,800 Let me, I think I'm going to walk over here and sit down and get away from 795 00:43:00,000 --> 00:43:02,160 End of days down here. 796 00:43:04,200 --> 00:43:08,156 I got a dog recently, everybody. That's like the big thing. Yes, I did. 797 00:43:08,180 --> 00:43:12,980 I'm psyched. I went down to the pound. I got one of those free dogs. 798 00:43:14,060 --> 00:43:15,958 Free dog. That's how I say it, too. I don't say I 799 00:43:15,982 --> 00:43:18,280 rescued a dog. I hate when people say that stuff. 800 00:43:18,305 --> 00:43:21,000 They say, She's a rescue. I rescued her. 801 00:43:21,080 --> 00:43:24,060 Really? Did you pull her out of a burning building? 802 00:43:24,120 --> 00:43:28,155 Did you jump in a river with your wingtips still on with no concern 803 00:43:28,180 --> 00:43:29,380 for your own safety? 804 00:43:29,460 --> 00:43:33,615 Or did you just go down to the pound and get a free dog ya cheap fuck? 805 00:43:33,640 --> 00:43:35,020 Isn't that what you did? 806 00:43:37,480 --> 00:43:40,255 I actually, I did not want to get a rescue dog. 807 00:43:40,280 --> 00:43:42,400 I did not want to do that. My girl was all about it. 808 00:43:42,600 --> 00:43:45,320 She's like, We should rescue a dog. You want to rescue a dog? 809 00:43:45,360 --> 00:43:47,040 I'm like, No, no, I don't. 810 00:43:47,880 --> 00:43:48,775 She's like, Why not? 811 00:43:48,800 --> 00:43:50,895 I go, Because I think a lot of the dogs down the pound might be 812 00:43:50,920 --> 00:43:53,600 a little fucked in the head. You ever thought about that? 813 00:43:53,880 --> 00:43:59,060 Dude, the shelter is not a pet store. That is like Shawshank for a golden retriever. 814 00:43:59,800 --> 00:44:02,415 Why don't we just go down to the prison and rescue an inmate? 815 00:44:02,440 --> 00:44:05,340 Just roll the dice that maybe the guy was wrongly convicted? 816 00:44:05,340 --> 00:44:08,235 You out of your mind? Fuck that. 817 00:44:08,260 --> 00:44:11,140 I want a brand new 2009 Bulldog, all right? 818 00:44:11,500 --> 00:44:17,540 I don't want some 1995 half a labrador with part of its ear chewed off, ya know? 819 00:44:17,980 --> 00:44:20,180 I got to put together its backstory. 820 00:44:20,400 --> 00:44:25,535 Every time I go to use the toaster, it starts freaking out because his last 821 00:44:25,560 --> 00:44:28,004 owner hung him from the ceiling fan every time the jets 822 00:44:28,028 --> 00:44:30,255 didn't cover the over, ya know. 823 00:44:30,956 --> 00:44:33,500 Dude, that's an animal, man. That thing could kill you. 824 00:44:35,560 --> 00:44:38,295 Dude, a rabid squirrel. How fast a squirrel is? 825 00:44:38,320 --> 00:44:41,160 If I was walking home at night, minding my own business, and all of a sudden, 826 00:44:41,185 --> 00:44:42,960 some squirrel started running at me. 827 00:44:43,040 --> 00:44:46,055 By the time I process, is that a rat? Is that mechanical? 828 00:44:46,080 --> 00:44:48,980 That thing would be up my leg, taking chunks out of the side of my head. 829 00:44:49,005 --> 00:44:51,840 I'd have to tell that story for the rest of my life in a bar. 830 00:44:52,200 --> 00:44:53,800 Dude, what happened to the side of your head? 831 00:44:53,825 --> 00:44:55,400 A fucking squirrel, all right? 832 00:44:56,340 --> 00:44:58,140 Christ, you don't think I'm sensitive? 833 00:44:59,720 --> 00:45:02,640 No, I'm not trying to say all those dogs are bad down there, 834 00:45:02,665 --> 00:45:06,615 but what if I accidentally get one of those kujos or old yellers, right? 835 00:45:06,940 --> 00:45:09,395 I'm telling you, they love dogs down there so much. 836 00:45:09,420 --> 00:45:11,240 You got to watch out what they tell you. 837 00:45:11,480 --> 00:45:12,935 I was down there, there was this one dog. 838 00:45:12,960 --> 00:45:15,160 This thing was staring at me so goddamn hard. 839 00:45:15,720 --> 00:45:18,320 Maniac-looking dog. I'm like, What's up with this dog? 840 00:45:18,345 --> 00:45:22,735 She was just like, Oh, he was chained to a pallet in a junkyard his entire life. 841 00:45:22,760 --> 00:45:24,535 And I'm like, Does it have any issues? 842 00:45:24,560 --> 00:45:26,780 She's like, He's a little aggressive. 843 00:45:27,960 --> 00:45:32,315 It's like, Well, were you going to tell me that shit? You're just going to throw it 844 00:45:32,340 --> 00:45:35,300 in my hatchback, let me figure it out on the ride home? 845 00:45:37,180 --> 00:45:40,880 This thing's pulling out a sharpened toothbrush, to stick in my neck. 846 00:45:42,560 --> 00:45:44,320 No, that's what I'm saying. 847 00:45:45,200 --> 00:45:47,800 What if I accidentally get one of those crazy dogs? 848 00:45:47,840 --> 00:45:51,455 I get up at 2: 00 in the morning to take a leak, and that is the exact moment its 849 00:45:51,480 --> 00:45:54,760 previous owner used to come home, shitfaced, beat the crap out of the dog. 850 00:45:54,840 --> 00:45:56,895 I have no idea what I'm setting off. 851 00:45:56,920 --> 00:45:59,900 I'm sitting there shuffling along in my slippers, tying my robe. 852 00:45:59,980 --> 00:46:02,855 Meanwhile, the dog's getting all amped up like, Fuck this shit, man. 853 00:46:02,880 --> 00:46:05,000 I promised myself I wouldn't let this happen again. 854 00:46:05,025 --> 00:46:07,620 It's time to man up. Let's do this on three. One, two, three. 855 00:46:07,680 --> 00:46:13,420 Comes flying at me. I'm going to be laying on the ground in a pool of my own blood. 856 00:46:13,940 --> 00:46:15,260 What are they gonna do with the dog? 857 00:46:15,285 --> 00:46:18,660 They take him right back down to the pound like some sorta repeat offender. 858 00:46:19,140 --> 00:46:22,995 You're going to see him on the news in like shackles, like shuffling along. 859 00:46:23,020 --> 00:46:25,900 We knew you'd be back. Yeah, get me a milk bone. Go fuck yourself. 860 00:46:26,640 --> 00:46:29,055 You're going to wheel him in like Hannibal Lecter with that 861 00:46:29,080 --> 00:46:31,095 lampshade around his neck. 862 00:46:36,425 --> 00:46:40,861 Yeah, so we had like this stalemate, ya know. I wanted the brand new Bulldog, 863 00:46:40,885 --> 00:46:45,285 ya know. And she kept seeing that Sarah McLachlan commercial, getting all sad, 864 00:46:45,309 --> 00:46:49,200 ya know? Aw, they ought to get sued for false advertisement in that thing. 865 00:46:49,225 --> 00:46:51,335 I swear to God. They handpick those dogs. 866 00:46:51,360 --> 00:46:54,340 The cuteest little fuzzy, I just want to play frisbee. 867 00:46:54,600 --> 00:46:58,520 Those cute little innocent little Dr. Seuss-looking dogs. 868 00:46:58,760 --> 00:46:59,855 Where are the Pitbulls? 869 00:46:59,880 --> 00:47:01,756 Where are the Rottweilers? Where are those maniacs 870 00:47:01,780 --> 00:47:04,400 you see lifting weights down at the shelter? 871 00:47:06,300 --> 00:47:10,620 They got the saddest-looking dogs ever, and she's whining over the top of them. 872 00:47:10,660 --> 00:47:16,435 In the arms of an angel... 873 00:47:17,159 --> 00:47:20,400 Those dogs are looking all sad at the camera. 874 00:47:21,600 --> 00:47:25,140 My last owner wasn't a nice person. 875 00:47:26,000 --> 00:47:29,960 Those ridiculous bandages like they're in Saving Private Ryan. 876 00:47:30,500 --> 00:47:33,475 That three stooges rabbit ear, I have a toothache. 877 00:47:33,500 --> 00:47:35,955 Did Shemp own that dog? What happened? 878 00:47:35,980 --> 00:47:38,515 I love that one. It's all wrapped up like a mummy. 879 00:47:38,540 --> 00:47:39,540 It's like, How? 880 00:47:39,560 --> 00:47:43,680 What? Did it get hit by a cannon ball during a Civil War reenactment? 881 00:47:44,280 --> 00:47:48,040 Did a tyrannosaurus pick it up. Poof, spit it out. 882 00:47:48,940 --> 00:47:52,680 My favorite one's that one-eyed pug. Ahh, there's a great dog. 883 00:47:52,860 --> 00:47:56,380 Yeah, bring that home to the kids. I'm sure that won't freak them out at all. 884 00:47:57,100 --> 00:47:58,780 Mommy, did you get us a dog? 885 00:48:00,400 --> 00:48:02,375 Just let him sniff you. Just let him sniff you. 886 00:48:02,400 --> 00:48:03,575 Do not approach him from the right. 887 00:48:03,600 --> 00:48:05,175 Do not approach him from the right. Just let him sniff you. 888 00:48:05,200 --> 00:48:05,680 Come around. 889 00:48:05,680 --> 00:48:07,920 It becomes an entirely different animal when you do that. 890 00:48:07,945 --> 00:48:10,655 Just know you come from the left. His name is Pookie. 891 00:48:10,680 --> 00:48:12,340 We're going to call him Pookie now. 892 00:48:16,180 --> 00:48:18,460 So she was into that. I wanted to get the Bulldog. 893 00:48:18,540 --> 00:48:20,635 That was my thing. I was like, I want to get the Bulldog. 894 00:48:20,660 --> 00:48:22,420 Then I started researching on the Bulldogs. 895 00:48:22,445 --> 00:48:24,275 They got all these health problems, man. 896 00:48:24,300 --> 00:48:27,060 From day one, they can't even breathe. They come out in the world. 897 00:48:27,085 --> 00:48:31,400 It's like they've been working with asbestos their entire life... ya know? 898 00:48:32,240 --> 00:48:35,535 It's unbelievable. They can't even breathe. 899 00:48:35,560 --> 00:48:38,520 You got to have them sleeping upright in this lazy boy, rubbing Vicks 900 00:48:38,545 --> 00:48:41,680 vapor rub on their chest. They got like sleep apnea. 901 00:48:42,020 --> 00:48:44,075 They die nine times every night. 902 00:48:44,100 --> 00:48:47,540 Why don't I just rescue a retired offensive lineman while I'm at it. 903 00:48:47,900 --> 00:48:49,315 Yeah, this is Jim Jeffcoat. 904 00:48:49,340 --> 00:48:53,380 We're going to call him Larry for the rest of his life for some stupid reason. 905 00:48:55,860 --> 00:48:59,195 So... didn't know what to do. So we were at a stalemate. 906 00:48:59,220 --> 00:49:01,195 So my, my girl did what most females do. 907 00:49:01,220 --> 00:49:03,260 They just figured, I know what's good for him. 908 00:49:03,300 --> 00:49:04,980 I know it's going to make him happy. 909 00:49:05,320 --> 00:49:09,560 I'm going to make a major decision without him, and then he's going to deal with it. 910 00:49:10,300 --> 00:49:13,460 Yeah, that's how I got a dog. I got a dog when I was on the road. 911 00:49:13,920 --> 00:49:16,080 I was on the road and I just had a message on my machine. 912 00:49:16,105 --> 00:49:17,020 It was just, boop 913 00:49:17,420 --> 00:49:23,280 And I just heard she's just like, Um, okay, um, I did something. 914 00:49:23,680 --> 00:49:27,108 Um, kind of involves both of us, but I think you're 915 00:49:27,132 --> 00:49:30,060 going to love it. Just give me a call. Okay, bye. 916 00:49:30,900 --> 00:49:35,075 Now, does that sound like I just signed you up for a 12-15 year commitment? 917 00:49:35,100 --> 00:49:36,495 That doesn't sound like that, right? 918 00:49:36,520 --> 00:49:37,995 That sounds like I bought a new outfit. 919 00:49:38,120 --> 00:49:41,160 And I'm going to drag you to some awful restaurant during a playoff game, right? 920 00:49:41,585 --> 00:49:44,755 That's what it felt like. So I'm ready for that argument. 921 00:49:44,780 --> 00:49:46,595 She tells me she went out and she got a dog. 922 00:49:46,620 --> 00:49:48,795 Now, half of me isn't upset because you got a rescue dog. 923 00:49:49,020 --> 00:49:51,495 Yeah, we have it for a week, and, ya know, if you want to keep it, we can. 924 00:49:51,620 --> 00:49:52,375 So I go, Let me see it. 925 00:49:52,400 --> 00:49:54,135 So we started Skyping, and she pans around. 926 00:49:54,160 --> 00:49:56,160 You know what she got? She got a Pitbull. 927 00:49:57,140 --> 00:49:58,995 Swear to God, I'm like, You got a Pitbull? 928 00:49:59,020 --> 00:50:01,635 Are you out of your fucking mind? You got a Pitbull? 929 00:50:01,660 --> 00:50:05,235 She goes, It's not a Pitbull. It's a mix. Mixed with what? 930 00:50:05,260 --> 00:50:07,605 Another Pitbull? Look at that thing. Looks 931 00:50:07,629 --> 00:50:10,060 like it's been doing pull-ups its entire life. 932 00:50:10,440 --> 00:50:15,180 Front paws were still taped up. It's like shadow boxing in the background. 933 00:50:16,620 --> 00:50:20,875 It's been P90Xing, it's a pitbull. 934 00:50:22,400 --> 00:50:25,038 Jesus Christ. She's just like, No, he's sweet. 935 00:50:25,062 --> 00:50:27,400 She said, No, she's adorable and all this stuff, ah. 936 00:50:27,740 --> 00:50:30,840 This is the worst part. I wasn't getting home for three days, ya know. 937 00:50:30,880 --> 00:50:32,560 And she's all wrapped up in this dog, ya know. 938 00:50:32,640 --> 00:50:33,875 And I'm like, I don't get home for three days. 939 00:50:33,900 --> 00:50:36,080 What happens when I get home on Monday and you have to go to work? 940 00:50:36,105 --> 00:50:39,695 She goes, Well, I just figured I'd drive to work and you could just come home to 941 00:50:39,720 --> 00:50:41,720 the apartment and meet the dog that way. 942 00:50:42,860 --> 00:50:45,400 I'm like, Are you out of your mind? I'm not coming home to that. 943 00:50:45,425 --> 00:50:48,115 That dog is bonding with you. It thinks you guys live there. 944 00:50:48,140 --> 00:50:50,840 I'm going to come walking in and have my calf ripped off because I'm trying 945 00:50:50,865 --> 00:50:52,415 to show my name on the phone bill? 946 00:50:52,440 --> 00:50:54,520 No, it's not going down like that. 947 00:50:57,880 --> 00:51:00,135 So she's like, Well, what do I do? I'll tell you what you do. 948 00:51:00,160 --> 00:51:02,480 You take that hellhound, you put it in the goddamn car, 949 00:51:02,520 --> 00:51:05,640 drive it to work, park in the shade, do whatever you got to do. 950 00:51:05,700 --> 00:51:09,140 I'm coming home to a safe house, and then you drive home with the dog, 951 00:51:09,160 --> 00:51:12,855 call me when you're a half mile away, I'll meet you and Kujo down in the driveway. 952 00:51:12,880 --> 00:51:14,175 We will all walk in together. 953 00:51:14,200 --> 00:51:17,240 I will be in the front to show that I am the pack leader because I watched half 954 00:51:17,265 --> 00:51:19,720 an episode of The Dog Whisperer, and I think that that's 955 00:51:19,745 --> 00:51:21,360 what you're supposed to do. I think. 956 00:51:24,720 --> 00:51:26,200 Oh, it's all true, right? 957 00:51:26,320 --> 00:51:28,735 So I go down to the driveway and I see the dog, it's a beautiful dog. 958 00:51:28,760 --> 00:51:30,118 It's literally like walking like a Marine or 959 00:51:30,142 --> 00:51:31,800 some shit, like it's sneaking into something. 960 00:51:32,240 --> 00:51:33,740 And I'm like, Okay, here we go. 961 00:51:33,765 --> 00:51:36,300 Turning my back on a pitbull that I don't even know. 962 00:51:37,280 --> 00:51:39,200 That turns out they didn't get at the shelter. 963 00:51:39,225 --> 00:51:40,600 They found it by the LA River. 964 00:51:41,160 --> 00:51:43,135 It lived by the LA River for two weeks. 965 00:51:43,160 --> 00:51:46,020 And my girl's response to that was like, Isn't that sad? 966 00:51:46,100 --> 00:51:48,360 No, it's fucking scary. 967 00:51:49,620 --> 00:51:50,795 Why is it scary? 968 00:51:50,820 --> 00:51:54,755 Well, obviously it got enough protein, so it wasn't eating berries out there. 969 00:51:54,780 --> 00:52:01,795 That thing was choking out coyotes, ya know, breaking the necks of squirrels. 970 00:52:01,820 --> 00:52:03,755 I don't know what it was doing, but it definitely was. 971 00:52:03,780 --> 00:52:05,420 You brought a murderer into the house. 972 00:52:05,960 --> 00:52:07,748 Why don't you just rescue an alligator while 973 00:52:07,772 --> 00:52:09,860 you're at it just to add to the excitement. 974 00:52:11,360 --> 00:52:14,955 So we get the dog in the damn house. That's exactly what I thought was going to happen. 975 00:52:14,980 --> 00:52:17,435 The dog's sitting there looking at her, and then it's looking at me and then 976 00:52:17,460 --> 00:52:19,460 looking at her like, Who the hell is the new guy, right? 977 00:52:19,985 --> 00:52:23,560 The new guy is the guy paying the fucking rent, and I was getting no respect. 978 00:52:23,840 --> 00:52:25,255 So I was just like, ah I was just like right there. 979 00:52:25,280 --> 00:52:27,275 I was just like, I know what she's doing. I know what she's doing. 980 00:52:27,300 --> 00:52:29,800 She's bringing this dog home because she thinks I'm going to fall for it. 981 00:52:29,825 --> 00:52:31,235 And then, and then we'll just have the dog. 982 00:52:31,260 --> 00:52:33,740 And it's just like, I love animals, okay? 983 00:52:33,840 --> 00:52:37,180 But I'm not going to live with one that can fucking kill me, ya know? 984 00:52:37,920 --> 00:52:39,015 Rescue a chihuahua. 985 00:52:39,140 --> 00:52:41,920 So when it flips out because I grabbed the remote too quickly, I can flick 986 00:52:41,945 --> 00:52:44,680 it off the goddamn table or something, ya know. 987 00:52:46,120 --> 00:52:47,928 So, that's what I'm saying. We got it for a week. 988 00:52:47,952 --> 00:52:49,460 We got it for a week, and then we made our decision. 989 00:52:49,485 --> 00:52:52,535 So I just shut down, emotionally. I was like, Fuck this dog. 990 00:52:52,560 --> 00:52:54,980 First two days, I didn't give a shit, ya know. 991 00:52:55,080 --> 00:52:57,820 Dog's sitting there looking at me, and I was just like, Jesus Christ. 992 00:52:58,080 --> 00:53:00,180 Like, ya know. Then on Wednesday, I don't know what happened. 993 00:53:00,205 --> 00:53:02,720 I started to like it a little bit, ya know? 994 00:53:03,780 --> 00:53:06,415 Na, I was watching TV, ya know. I always talk to 995 00:53:06,439 --> 00:53:08,960 myself. I'm always home alone. I feel like a maniac. 996 00:53:08,980 --> 00:53:11,440 I finally had somebody to bounce my ideas off. 997 00:53:12,620 --> 00:53:13,980 It's kinda nice. 998 00:53:14,680 --> 00:53:18,360 Sitting there on TV, believe these goddamn bankers, steal a trillion dollars and they 999 00:53:18,385 --> 00:53:20,280 get a bonus, and they get a bonus. 1000 00:53:20,360 --> 00:53:22,140 Dogs sitting there looking at me, ya know. 1001 00:53:23,560 --> 00:53:26,680 And I'm fighting it. God damn it. I think I like this dog a little bit, ya know. 1002 00:53:27,005 --> 00:53:29,035 It's making me want to work out, ya know. 1003 00:53:29,060 --> 00:53:31,675 Ask it a question. How do you get these muscles? 1004 00:53:36,880 --> 00:53:39,055 And then by Thursday, ya know, I'm getting out in the air, 1005 00:53:39,080 --> 00:53:41,168 I'm walking the dog, and I'm like, God damn it, I 1006 00:53:41,192 --> 00:53:43,380 think I love this dog, this is fuckin', ya know. 1007 00:53:43,620 --> 00:53:45,040 I don't know if you ever walked a pitbull. 1008 00:53:45,065 --> 00:53:47,455 You owe it to your life, at some point in your life, 1009 00:53:47,480 --> 00:53:48,855 to walk a Pitbull down the street. 1010 00:53:48,880 --> 00:53:50,900 I'm telling you, it's the greatest experience ever. 1011 00:53:50,925 --> 00:53:54,595 People just get the fuck out of the way. It's unreal. 1012 00:53:54,620 --> 00:53:56,735 Three, four blocks away, they see me coming. 1013 00:53:56,760 --> 00:53:59,840 They just immediately cross the street. It's tremendous. 1014 00:53:59,860 --> 00:54:02,460 I don't know why black people complain about that. 1015 00:54:02,740 --> 00:54:05,555 I love having the whole side of the street to myself. 1016 00:54:05,580 --> 00:54:11,040 It's great. I feel like a king. Oh, it's awesome. It's the greatest thing ever. 1017 00:54:11,560 --> 00:54:14,435 Pitbulls are the shit. It's like a gun you can pet. 1018 00:54:14,460 --> 00:54:16,780 It's the only way to describe it. It's awesome. 1019 00:54:18,240 --> 00:54:21,540 They make you want a P90X or something, just get in better shape. 1020 00:54:21,980 --> 00:54:25,175 So then by Friday, I mean by Friday the dog was literally messing 1021 00:54:25,200 --> 00:54:28,240 up my relationship. My poor girl sitting on the couch by herself. 1022 00:54:28,320 --> 00:54:30,080 I'm sitting there spooning with the dog 1023 00:54:30,505 --> 00:54:32,615 This dog is awesome, dog is awesome. 1024 00:54:32,640 --> 00:54:35,980 Watch me get her leg going. Watch me get her leg going. 1025 00:54:37,220 --> 00:54:38,420 I don't know what happened. 1026 00:54:39,320 --> 00:54:41,908 In four days, I went from, Fuck this dog, to, 1027 00:54:41,932 --> 00:54:44,020 Oh, my God, this thing's going to die someday. 1028 00:54:44,045 --> 00:54:48,000 How am I emotionally going to be able to deal with it? Ahh, I love it. 1029 00:54:48,320 --> 00:54:52,535 Absolutely. I carry it around like a baby. Oh, it's the greatest thing ever. 1030 00:54:52,560 --> 00:54:54,960 You come home, it's shaking its tail. It's all excited. 1031 00:54:54,985 --> 00:54:57,140 Like, Dude, you're fucking awesome, ya know. 1032 00:54:57,760 --> 00:55:02,075 It's like, Dude, you have no idea how much I need that, ya know. It's tremendous. 1033 00:55:02,100 --> 00:55:04,675 And you can't appreciate how awesome a dog is as a kid. 1034 00:55:04,700 --> 00:55:06,060 You can only do it as an adult. 1035 00:55:06,120 --> 00:55:08,880 As a kid, there's like no frame of reference. It's like you're a kid. 1036 00:55:08,905 --> 00:55:11,355 Your whole life is awesome. It's awesome, right? 1037 00:55:11,380 --> 00:55:12,640 You ever think about being a kid? 1038 00:55:12,765 --> 00:55:16,820 You had no money, you had no ID, no cell phone, no nothing, no keys to the house. 1039 00:55:16,960 --> 00:55:20,500 You just ran outside into the woods. You weren't scared of nothing. 1040 00:55:20,560 --> 00:55:22,760 I challenge you to do that as an adult. 1041 00:55:23,120 --> 00:55:26,920 All your ID, all your credit card, just run out of the house, no phone. 1042 00:55:27,000 --> 00:55:29,440 Turn the corner where you can't see your house and not have 1043 00:55:29,465 --> 00:55:31,575 a full-on panic attack, like, Oh, my God! 1044 00:55:31,600 --> 00:55:33,895 What if something happens to me? I'll get locked up. 1045 00:55:33,920 --> 00:55:35,120 No one will know who I am. 1046 00:55:35,145 --> 00:55:36,680 What if I twist my ankle? 1047 00:55:38,000 --> 00:55:40,815 Your whole life is awesome as a kid, right? 1048 00:55:40,840 --> 00:55:44,775 You show up, no money, you just get stuff, real cheese, movie tickets, right? 1049 00:55:44,800 --> 00:55:46,640 Why wouldn't a dog be awesome? 1050 00:55:46,640 --> 00:55:47,840 Everything is awesome. 1051 00:55:47,980 --> 00:55:50,940 It's not until you're an adult that you appreciate it, right? 1052 00:55:50,960 --> 00:55:54,460 Your dreams start dying, somebody cheats on you, right? 1053 00:55:55,040 --> 00:55:57,900 Bankers fuck up your 401k, ya know? 1054 00:55:57,960 --> 00:56:00,360 Then you come home, that dog's looking at you like, Dude, you're awesome. 1055 00:56:00,385 --> 00:56:03,800 It's like, No, dude, you, you are fucking awesome. You are the shit. 1056 00:56:03,800 --> 00:56:05,500 Oh, it's the greatest thing ever. 1057 00:56:06,125 --> 00:56:11,360 Absolutely. No, it's unreal. It's unreal. 1058 00:56:12,700 --> 00:56:15,815 My poor girlfriend, she's sitting there, ya know, Jesus Christ, you love 1059 00:56:15,840 --> 00:56:17,120 the dog more than you love me. 1060 00:56:17,720 --> 00:56:19,075 I was like, Well, sweetie, you're not at the back door 1061 00:56:19,100 --> 00:56:21,200 shaking your ass every time I come home. 1062 00:56:22,580 --> 00:56:25,655 It's really a tough, no matter what time, 4: 00 in the morning drunk, 1063 00:56:25,680 --> 00:56:29,260 the dog doesn't give a shit... Hey...that's awesome....wooooo! 1064 00:56:31,500 --> 00:56:34,855 So, anyways, like I mentioned, I'm 41 years old. 1065 00:56:34,880 --> 00:56:36,035 And if I'm lucky, you know what I realized? 1066 00:56:36,060 --> 00:56:39,000 I'm halfway through my shit right now. I'm halfway through my life. 1067 00:56:39,040 --> 00:56:43,740 So, ya know, I'm getting nervous, ya know, about dying, ya know just growing old, man. 1068 00:56:43,800 --> 00:56:46,215 I was never really nervous about it until I got to this age. 1069 00:56:46,240 --> 00:56:47,588 And, uh, you know. Ya know what it was? I went 1070 00:56:47,612 --> 00:56:49,360 to my grandmother's 100-year birthday party, 1071 00:56:49,760 --> 00:56:55,160 and I quickly realized that women age a lot better towards the end, ya know. 1072 00:56:55,160 --> 00:56:57,655 Guys, we hang with them in the beginning because we're young, 1073 00:56:57,680 --> 00:56:59,860 and then in the middle, they're having kids, so we kinda pass them. 1074 00:56:59,885 --> 00:57:03,555 But that end, that last third, we're like the stock market. 1075 00:57:03,680 --> 00:57:06,720 We just, we just go right down to the ground. It's brutal. 1076 00:57:06,720 --> 00:57:07,575 I went to this party. 1077 00:57:07,600 --> 00:57:09,655 All the old ladies there were unbelievably sharp. 1078 00:57:09,680 --> 00:57:11,740 They were still playing cards. They were right there. 1079 00:57:11,765 --> 00:57:14,400 But some of the old dudes, man, they were brutal. 1080 00:57:15,080 --> 00:57:18,461 Ya know? You ever see a guy like so old he has like that 1081 00:57:18,485 --> 00:57:21,975 permanent look of horror on his face? 1082 00:57:22,000 --> 00:57:25,095 You know what I mean? A couple of guys walk in, they look okay, how are you doing? 1083 00:57:25,320 --> 00:57:28,280 Then there's always that one guy just comes walking in just like... 1084 00:57:32,300 --> 00:57:34,248 Dude, even when they're sitting down meeting 1085 00:57:34,272 --> 00:57:36,220 people, and this is my grandson, Bill. 1086 00:57:39,120 --> 00:57:43,495 It's like, dude, how much pain are you in that you constantly have a look on your 1087 00:57:43,520 --> 00:57:47,615 face like that shit from the ring just crawled out of your TV set. 1088 00:57:48,040 --> 00:57:49,415 Dude, that's got to be… 1089 00:57:49,440 --> 00:57:51,495 You're like so old, like everything hurts. 1090 00:57:51,520 --> 00:57:54,460 You're just standing up, you're like, ahhh, my feet. 1091 00:57:54,640 --> 00:57:56,420 You go to lean on something. 1092 00:57:57,840 --> 00:58:00,455 Even like blinking, like air hurts. 1093 00:58:01,880 --> 00:58:06,060 Dude, fucking kill me. Kill me if I ever end up like that. 1094 00:58:06,200 --> 00:58:09,980 Dude, I'll fucking kill myself. I'll rock myself down a flight of stairs. 1095 00:58:10,220 --> 00:58:13,880 I'll lean back, hit my head on a sink. Whatever I got to do. 1096 00:58:14,400 --> 00:58:17,680 I told you, I already think about killing myself twice a week at this age. 1097 00:58:17,700 --> 00:58:21,435 There is no fucking way I'm going out like that. 1098 00:58:21,460 --> 00:58:25,455 The end of my life, I'm walking around and everyone else has 1099 00:58:25,480 --> 00:58:29,060 that paniced, Oh, fuck, is it going down? Look on their face. 1100 00:58:29,800 --> 00:58:31,715 I don't know how you do it. 1101 00:58:31,740 --> 00:58:34,395 How do you wake up every morning brushing your teeth? 1102 00:58:34,420 --> 00:58:39,320 How do you fight the urge to not just jam that toothbrush right down your throat? 1103 00:58:40,900 --> 00:58:45,060 I'll tell you what kills me was only the old guys had that look on their face. 1104 00:58:45,160 --> 00:58:46,740 None of the old ladies did. 1105 00:58:46,760 --> 00:58:48,573 Some of the old ladies had a look of like mild 1106 00:58:48,597 --> 00:58:50,920 disappointment, ya know, just sitting there like... 1107 00:58:54,080 --> 00:58:57,820 Ya know, like they always wanted to go to Europe, but they never got around to it. 1108 00:59:00,740 --> 00:59:03,360 But only the old guys had like their… 1109 00:59:05,360 --> 00:59:08,680 Dude, it was almost like they wanted to tell you a secret. 1110 00:59:08,820 --> 00:59:14,660 Like, Where's the gold? Can you remember the combination? 1111 00:59:17,860 --> 00:59:19,200 What is that? 1112 00:59:19,940 --> 00:59:23,135 Somebody said it's like a mild form of dementia, or it's, ya know... 1113 00:59:23,160 --> 00:59:24,675 You know what I think it's from? 1114 00:59:24,700 --> 00:59:28,835 I think it's from being married for 60 years, getting nagged every day, 1115 00:59:28,860 --> 00:59:30,900 and never once looking at your wife being like, You know what? 1116 00:59:30,925 --> 00:59:33,220 How about you shut the fuck up? How about that? 1117 00:59:33,960 --> 00:59:35,555 Hey, I got it. You're not happy. 1118 00:59:35,580 --> 00:59:37,140 Well, then fucking leave. 1119 00:59:39,300 --> 00:59:42,155 Is it that or do they like wear you down? I think they wear you down. 1120 00:59:42,180 --> 00:59:45,040 Because I know as a young man, I had a lot more spring in my step. 1121 00:59:45,165 --> 00:59:47,100 Young guys, your girl gives you shit, ya know. 1122 00:59:47,100 --> 00:59:48,540 You can go for a drive. 1123 00:59:49,240 --> 00:59:53,015 Where's this relationship going? This feels weird. We need to talk. 1124 00:59:53,040 --> 00:59:55,100 Ehh, fuck you, lady. You get in the car. 1125 00:59:55,180 --> 00:59:58,300 You go for a drive. Punch the ceiling a couple of times. 1126 00:59:58,740 --> 01:00:03,580 You scream out the window, biiittcchh! Ya know? You get it out. 1127 01:00:04,440 --> 01:00:09,140 You get it out before your face gets all twisted up. Get it out. 1128 01:00:11,260 --> 01:00:14,440 Then what happens? What happens? You stay in the relationship. 1129 01:00:14,440 --> 01:00:17,100 You stay in the relationship, right? You get married. 1130 01:00:17,140 --> 01:00:21,560 15 years later, you got a couple of kids, you got a little gut going, right? 1131 01:00:21,580 --> 01:00:24,595 She starts in on you with that whole laundry list of stuff you got 1132 01:00:24,620 --> 01:00:25,780 to do because you're married. 1133 01:00:25,840 --> 01:00:28,560 Susie has ballet practice. It gets over at two. 1134 01:00:28,600 --> 01:00:30,296 Make sure you're there at two. You were there 1135 01:00:30,320 --> 01:00:32,516 at 2:02 the other day, and she was very upset. 1136 01:00:32,640 --> 01:00:33,695 No, you were, you were. 1137 01:00:33,720 --> 01:00:36,560 I actually documented the record on my Facebook page. 1138 01:00:36,640 --> 01:00:39,755 And you want to give her an uppercut. You want to give her an uppercut. 1139 01:00:39,780 --> 01:00:41,195 Oh, it's a natural thought. 1140 01:00:41,220 --> 01:00:43,115 It's a natural thought. But you don't. 1141 01:00:43,140 --> 01:00:45,595 You never lead with an uppercut. You set it up with a jab. 1142 01:00:45,620 --> 01:00:48,940 You get inside, you come right up through the cleavage, you rock that head back, 1143 01:00:48,965 --> 01:00:53,515 you send her right across the linoleum, take that dirty pistol out, you lay it 1144 01:00:53,540 --> 01:00:57,075 next to 'em, wipe off the door handle. I'm fucking with you. 1145 01:00:57,100 --> 01:01:00,058 No, you don't do that. No, you don't. 1146 01:01:00,082 --> 01:01:02,155 You should never hit a woman. You should never hit a woman. 1147 01:01:02,180 --> 01:01:03,635 You're going to get caught, you're going to go to jail. 1148 01:01:03,660 --> 01:01:04,760 You're going to get raped. It's awful. 1149 01:01:04,785 --> 01:01:07,815 You don't wanna do that, right? But what do you do now? 1150 01:01:07,940 --> 01:01:09,735 What are you going to do now, right? You're married, right? 1151 01:01:09,760 --> 01:01:11,195 You can't yell because your kids are there. 1152 01:01:11,220 --> 01:01:13,640 You can't go for a drive. You don't have a cool car anymore. 1153 01:01:13,965 --> 01:01:16,815 You got like some caravan with those sticky children of the corn, 1154 01:01:16,840 --> 01:01:18,400 handprints all over the windshield. 1155 01:01:18,960 --> 01:01:20,366 So what do you do? You go down in the basement, 1156 01:01:20,490 --> 01:01:22,080 you just do like that whisper yelling. 1157 01:01:27,580 --> 01:01:31,415 And then I think just one day, you're just too old. You're just too old. You're tired. 1158 01:01:31,440 --> 01:01:35,020 You've been married like 60 years. Your body's breaking down. 1159 01:01:35,100 --> 01:01:39,140 You blew your knee out at the Y playing pickup ball like 30 years earlier 1160 01:01:39,220 --> 01:01:43,260 in the 50 and Older League, ya know. And you just want to watch the game. 1161 01:01:43,360 --> 01:01:46,400 And she comes in that one last time, right, just to annoy you. 1162 01:01:46,780 --> 01:01:47,755 Just picking on you. 1163 01:01:47,780 --> 01:01:51,995 You were always mean to my mother, and I always resented you for it. 1164 01:01:52,020 --> 01:01:54,440 Why couldn't you have been more like your brother, right? 1165 01:01:54,880 --> 01:01:56,261 Then you start thinking, You know what, fuck this. I'm 1166 01:01:56,285 --> 01:01:58,340 not listening to this, right, and you go to get up. 1167 01:01:59,420 --> 01:02:01,797 And that's when it hits you. That the day before 1168 01:02:01,821 --> 01:02:03,995 was the last day you had the quad strength 1169 01:02:04,020 --> 01:02:06,220 to get up and out of your favorite chair. 1170 01:02:06,280 --> 01:02:09,000 And that's when the panic sets in. You're like, Oh, shit. 1171 01:02:09,420 --> 01:02:12,860 Dude, I can't get up. Oh, my God. 1172 01:02:13,420 --> 01:02:16,420 I got to listen to this for the rest of my life. 1173 01:02:23,140 --> 01:02:29,300 Na, that's what it is. That's what it is. 1174 01:02:30,920 --> 01:02:35,800 No, a lot of people don't realize those old guys are actually trying to escape. 1175 01:02:35,840 --> 01:02:38,060 That's what they're doing. Like, Is she looking? 1176 01:02:38,120 --> 01:02:42,355 Am I gonna make it? Avenge me. 1177 01:02:42,380 --> 01:02:43,555 Listen, I'm out of time. 1178 01:02:43,580 --> 01:02:46,675 You guys were awesome. Thank you so, so much for coming out. 1179 01:02:46,700 --> 01:02:48,520 I really appreciate it. Thank you. 1180 01:02:49,305 --> 01:03:49,654 Watch Online Movies and Series for FREE www.osdb.link/lm