"Unhappily Ever After" Pilot

1 00:00:06,000 --> 00:00:12,074 2 00:00:50,380 --> 00:00:53,260 I really believe that divorce doesn't have to be ugly. 3 00:00:53,500 --> 00:00:57,140 I mean, we obviously loved each other at one point, and I don't see 4 00:00:57,140 --> 00:00:58,540 why we can't remain friends. 5 00:00:59,060 --> 00:01:01,780 It would be hard not to be friends with a terrific girl like you. 6 00:01:03,220 --> 00:01:04,660 I'll call you later, okay? 7 00:01:09,620 --> 00:01:10,260 Hey, Ma. 8 00:01:10,900 --> 00:01:11,700 What you doing? 9 00:01:12,020 --> 00:01:13,300 Saying goodbye to my lawyer. 10 00:01:19,060 --> 00:01:21,140 Can't you at least have milk with that? 11 00:01:21,700 --> 00:01:22,980 It's mucus forming. 12 00:01:24,500 --> 00:01:26,660 Hey, Ryan, I have something for you. 13 00:01:31,600 --> 00:01:32,000 Turn around. 14 00:01:36,800 --> 00:01:37,600 You like that? 15 00:01:37,840 --> 00:01:40,720 That's how it feels when someone leaves the toilet seat up and you fall 16 00:01:40,720 --> 00:01:41,120 in. 17 00:01:44,000 --> 00:01:46,960 Oh, now come on, kids, you know the rules. 18 00:01:47,600 --> 00:01:49,280 Shut up until you go to sleep. 19 00:01:51,520 --> 00:01:52,960 Oh, that must be your father. 20 00:01:53,360 --> 00:01:54,320 Right on time. 21 00:01:55,040 --> 00:01:56,080 Just one second. 22 00:02:11,730 --> 00:02:13,170 Did the sprinklers go off? 23 00:02:14,770 --> 00:02:15,690 I'm sorry. 24 00:02:15,690 --> 00:02:17,090 But don't worry, it's just water. 25 00:02:17,730 --> 00:02:18,530 That's okay. 26 00:02:18,770 --> 00:02:20,930 Oh, by the way, I picked up your cleaning. 27 00:02:23,010 --> 00:02:24,690 But don't worry, it's just water. 28 00:02:25,010 --> 00:02:25,890 And some mud. 29 00:02:26,190 --> 00:02:27,590 Cause I was surprised by the sprinklers. 30 00:02:27,590 --> 00:02:31,550 I dropped it in a puddle after I took the cellophane off. 31 00:02:31,790 --> 00:02:32,510 Hey, dad. 32 00:02:34,910 --> 00:02:35,710 Where you been? 33 00:02:36,430 --> 00:02:38,190 Your mom kicked me out two weeks ago. 34 00:02:38,350 --> 00:02:39,070 No kidding. 35 00:02:39,550 --> 00:02:40,830 Oh, well, see ya. 36 00:02:42,030 --> 00:02:42,670 Hi, Daddy. 37 00:02:42,670 --> 00:02:43,310 Hi, baby. 38 00:02:43,310 --> 00:02:44,750 You knew I was gone, didn't you? 39 00:02:45,310 --> 00:02:46,790 Daddy, I'm so self absorbed. 40 00:02:46,790 --> 00:02:47,870 I didn't even know you were here. 41 00:02:47,870 --> 00:02:48,190 Now. 42 00:02:53,600 --> 00:02:54,640 You'Re looking kind of good. 43 00:02:54,960 --> 00:02:56,960 Why didn't you ever lose weight and look good for me? 44 00:02:57,280 --> 00:02:58,880 Just didn't seem worth the effort. 45 00:03:00,560 --> 00:03:03,520 I think we should keep working on the details of the divorce. 46 00:03:04,960 --> 00:03:05,680 Hi, guys. 47 00:03:06,640 --> 00:03:07,840 Don't worry, it's just ex. 48 00:03:07,840 --> 00:03:08,400 Daddy. 49 00:03:10,240 --> 00:03:12,440 You know, I do think it was a good idea you had that neither 50 00:03:12,440 --> 00:03:13,600 one of us should get a lawyer. 51 00:03:13,600 --> 00:03:16,560 Oh, getting involved with lawyers, that's just not us. 52 00:03:17,600 --> 00:03:21,000 Now, let's address the specific provisions of the marital settlement agreement 53 00:03:21,000 --> 00:03:25,900 relating to section 44, paragraph G of the California Marital Community Property 54 00:03:25,900 --> 00:03:26,380 Code. 55 00:03:28,540 --> 00:03:31,580 God, if I didn't know any better, I'd think you were sleeping with a 56 00:03:31,580 --> 00:03:31,980 lawyer. 57 00:03:35,260 --> 00:03:36,140 Oh, Jack. 58 00:03:36,140 --> 00:03:38,380 He was an encyclopedia salesman. 59 00:03:42,460 --> 00:03:43,100 Who was? 60 00:03:48,380 --> 00:03:49,340 What are we laughing about? 61 00:03:49,340 --> 00:03:49,940 Oh, God. 62 00:03:49,940 --> 00:03:50,500 I don't know. 63 00:03:50,500 --> 00:03:51,900 We just have fun together. 64 00:03:52,540 --> 00:03:55,420 Now, just sign the divorce agreement. 65 00:03:55,500 --> 00:03:58,800 If it turns out she gave me too much, you know, I'll give it 66 00:03:58,800 --> 00:03:59,480 back to you. 67 00:03:59,640 --> 00:04:02,360 Well, one thing about you, I trust you totally. 68 00:04:02,920 --> 00:04:05,240 How come your dental bills are mixed in with the kids? 69 00:04:07,160 --> 00:04:08,760 Because I was trying to cheat you. 70 00:04:12,920 --> 00:04:14,040 Now I get that one. 71 00:04:15,880 --> 00:04:17,360 Let me figure a couple of things. 72 00:04:17,360 --> 00:04:17,960 Let's see. 73 00:04:19,000 --> 00:04:21,880 I make $40,000 a year. 74 00:04:22,440 --> 00:04:28,670 So you figure mortgage, taxes, the kids, you. 75 00:04:30,670 --> 00:04:34,830 That leaves me with $8,000 a year. 76 00:04:36,110 --> 00:04:38,670 After rent, that's like 40 bucks a week. 77 00:04:39,470 --> 00:04:40,830 That's five bucks a day. 78 00:04:41,390 --> 00:04:45,150 There are guys swimming across the Rio Grande to get away from five bucks 79 00:04:45,150 --> 00:04:45,630 a day. 80 00:04:48,110 --> 00:04:49,070 I need a drink. 81 00:04:49,150 --> 00:04:51,070 Jack, you know that's not the answer. 82 00:04:51,470 --> 00:04:54,830 Jenny, do you know where my purple pills are? 83 00:04:54,990 --> 00:04:55,710 No, Mom. 84 00:04:56,270 --> 00:04:56,830 Oh. 85 00:04:56,830 --> 00:04:59,950 Well, red and blue, that makes purple. 86 00:05:04,030 --> 00:05:04,430 You. 87 00:05:05,470 --> 00:05:06,750 I forgot to tell you. 88 00:05:07,470 --> 00:05:09,910 Mom moved in to help out with the kids and keep me from getting 89 00:05:09,910 --> 00:05:10,590 too bitter. 90 00:05:10,670 --> 00:05:13,990 You unworthy prostate of a man. 91 00:05:13,990 --> 00:05:15,150 I spit on you. 92 00:05:16,270 --> 00:05:17,790 The church spits on you. 93 00:05:17,790 --> 00:05:19,390 The Lord spits on you. 94 00:05:19,390 --> 00:05:20,030 Hi, Mrs. 95 00:05:20,030 --> 00:05:20,670 Slatterene. 96 00:05:21,000 --> 00:05:21,640 It's Mom. 97 00:05:22,360 --> 00:05:24,680 That's another thing I've always hated about you. 98 00:05:25,240 --> 00:05:27,000 You never called me Mom. 99 00:05:27,640 --> 00:05:30,520 I'd like to tear you limb from limb. 100 00:05:30,520 --> 00:05:32,280 Okay, baby, let's go. 101 00:05:32,440 --> 00:05:34,680 I've been waiting for you for a long time. 102 00:05:36,759 --> 00:05:39,960 Maybe you better lie down for 20 minutes and hallucinate while you listen 103 00:05:39,960 --> 00:05:40,760 to the big bands. 104 00:05:43,960 --> 00:05:45,560 This ain't over, punk. 105 00:05:52,180 --> 00:05:53,940 You just can't be nice to her, can you? 106 00:05:55,380 --> 00:05:59,460 Now, you know, she has five doctors and a team of pharmacists working around. 107 00:05:59,460 --> 00:06:02,740 The clock, and still she won't die. 108 00:06:05,780 --> 00:06:08,580 Well, it's certainly no fun trying to cheat you out of money if you're 109 00:06:08,580 --> 00:06:09,700 gonna be in a mood like this. 110 00:06:10,020 --> 00:06:11,620 We'll talk about the divorce tomorrow. 111 00:06:11,620 --> 00:06:13,860 Now, in the meantime, I packed up a few of your things. 112 00:06:14,420 --> 00:06:18,140 Your pillow, your blue quilt, which forced me to have a blue bedroom, which 113 00:06:18,140 --> 00:06:20,660 prevented me from enjoying even one moment in my own home. 114 00:06:22,020 --> 00:06:25,100 A fork, a kn, and your orange juice glass. 115 00:06:25,580 --> 00:06:27,580 I don't want anybody saying I wasn't fair. 116 00:06:28,300 --> 00:06:29,060 I love you. 117 00:06:29,060 --> 00:06:29,500 Bye. 118 00:06:30,620 --> 00:06:31,540 That was habit. 119 00:06:31,540 --> 00:06:31,980 Bye. 120 00:06:35,100 --> 00:06:36,060 Hey, wait a second. 121 00:06:36,540 --> 00:06:37,740 What about my jacket? 122 00:06:38,220 --> 00:06:39,100 What jacket? 123 00:06:39,340 --> 00:06:39,899 Bye. 124 00:06:40,540 --> 00:06:44,260 My leather jacket I've had ever since I was 17 until that night you 125 00:06:44,260 --> 00:06:45,820 got cold and I lent it to you. 126 00:06:45,980 --> 00:06:49,430 Lent it which you then put on your side of the closet and I 127 00:06:49,430 --> 00:06:50,550 was never allowed to wear again. 128 00:06:51,030 --> 00:06:53,190 If I took something of yours, I'd give it back. 129 00:06:53,830 --> 00:06:55,350 What about my virginity? 130 00:06:56,630 --> 00:06:58,310 Check with somebody else, baby. 131 00:07:01,190 --> 00:07:01,910 Daddy. 132 00:07:02,070 --> 00:07:02,430 Hey. 133 00:07:02,430 --> 00:07:03,110 Hey, Russ. 134 00:07:05,190 --> 00:07:07,510 Do you really hate me like Grandma says you do? 135 00:07:09,830 --> 00:07:12,310 Ah, Ross, Grandma just likes to talk. 136 00:07:12,950 --> 00:07:16,710 We both know that she's just a pill popping, whacked out old wheeze bag. 137 00:07:16,710 --> 00:07:18,870 And she doesn't mean any real harm. 138 00:07:20,390 --> 00:07:20,935 Listen, I'm not. 139 00:07:20,935 --> 00:07:22,010 I'm gonna see you tonight. 140 00:07:22,010 --> 00:07:24,050 I want you kids to come over and see my new place. 141 00:07:24,290 --> 00:07:24,770 Cool. 142 00:07:24,930 --> 00:07:25,570 Daddy. 143 00:07:25,570 --> 00:07:27,490 I want you at this so you're not lonely. 144 00:07:27,890 --> 00:07:28,290 Mr. 145 00:07:28,290 --> 00:07:28,930 Floppy. 146 00:07:29,410 --> 00:07:30,450 You want me to have Mr. 147 00:07:30,450 --> 00:07:31,090 Floppy? 148 00:07:31,410 --> 00:07:32,370 Aw, gee. 149 00:07:32,610 --> 00:07:35,010 We had some fine times together, you and me and Mr. 150 00:07:35,010 --> 00:07:35,650 Floppy. 151 00:07:35,890 --> 00:07:37,890 You know he's gonna help me sell some cars. 152 00:07:38,210 --> 00:07:38,770 Yes. 153 00:07:38,770 --> 00:07:40,930 The bunny's gonna turn the odometers back. 154 00:07:42,370 --> 00:07:43,730 Now, that would be illegal. 155 00:07:43,890 --> 00:07:46,130 We got gremlins coming in there at night to do that. 156 00:07:47,010 --> 00:07:48,930 I wanna see the gremlins, Daddy. 157 00:07:49,280 --> 00:07:51,600 Well, son, only Grandma can see the gremlins. 158 00:07:56,720 --> 00:07:57,840 Oh, he's cute. 159 00:07:58,080 --> 00:07:58,640 Yeah. 160 00:07:59,440 --> 00:08:00,400 Oh, go ahead. 161 00:08:00,400 --> 00:08:02,000 You should give him a tumble. 162 00:08:02,720 --> 00:08:03,560 Sex is cool. 163 00:08:03,560 --> 00:08:04,640 All the kids are doing it. 164 00:08:06,560 --> 00:08:07,680 Well, not me. 165 00:08:07,760 --> 00:08:09,600 I'm not caving into peer pressure. 166 00:08:09,600 --> 00:08:13,360 I choose to save my virginity for some wrinkled old wheeze bag with a 167 00:08:13,360 --> 00:08:14,800 ton of money and a month to live. 168 00:08:17,200 --> 00:08:18,400 I'm not giving it away. 169 00:08:18,990 --> 00:08:21,390 There is going to be a major entry fee. 170 00:08:23,710 --> 00:08:25,390 Then why bother dressing like that? 171 00:08:26,190 --> 00:08:27,470 Cause I love the power. 172 00:08:30,430 --> 00:08:31,470 I can't believe this. 173 00:08:32,270 --> 00:08:33,950 No one wants to go out with me. 174 00:08:34,270 --> 00:08:36,110 Is every girl in the school a lesbian? 175 00:08:38,430 --> 00:08:39,150 Katie. 176 00:08:43,230 --> 00:08:43,950 Lisa. 177 00:08:46,760 --> 00:08:47,000 Great. 178 00:08:47,480 --> 00:08:49,560 We're producing a nation of gym teachers. 179 00:08:53,800 --> 00:08:54,520 It's me. 180 00:08:55,320 --> 00:08:55,880 Hello? 181 00:08:56,280 --> 00:08:56,760 Hi. 182 00:08:56,840 --> 00:08:57,480 Okay. 183 00:08:57,800 --> 00:08:58,200 Sure. 184 00:08:58,840 --> 00:09:00,359 Okay, bye. 185 00:09:01,160 --> 00:09:01,960 That was Mom. 186 00:09:01,960 --> 00:09:04,040 She's dropping us off at Dad's new place tonight. 187 00:09:04,280 --> 00:09:05,240 Your dad's place? 188 00:09:05,240 --> 00:09:06,360 Your parents broke up? 189 00:09:08,280 --> 00:09:09,120 Hey, everybody. 190 00:09:09,120 --> 00:09:10,600 The Maloys are breaking up. 191 00:09:10,600 --> 00:09:12,240 All children are divorced parents. 192 00:09:12,240 --> 00:09:13,960 Come on over and welcome two new members. 193 00:09:22,660 --> 00:09:24,820 It's the best thing that can happen to any kid. 194 00:09:24,980 --> 00:09:26,780 Now, your parents have to compete for your love. 195 00:09:26,780 --> 00:09:28,500 And they don't know how to do that. 196 00:09:28,500 --> 00:09:29,940 So that means buying you things. 197 00:09:30,580 --> 00:09:32,700 Or you get two sets of presents for Christmas. 198 00:09:32,700 --> 00:09:33,700 And birthdays and things. 199 00:09:33,780 --> 00:09:36,180 Maybe even four if they each get a boyfriend or girlfriend. 200 00:09:37,060 --> 00:09:40,820 And the best part for you is when you fail, it's not because you're 201 00:09:40,820 --> 00:09:41,380 stupid. 202 00:09:42,040 --> 00:09:43,720 You're the product of a broken home. 203 00:09:45,400 --> 00:09:46,360 Ryan Malloy. 204 00:09:50,920 --> 00:09:53,880 Someone stole a midterm exam off my desk. 205 00:09:53,960 --> 00:09:55,080 I know it was you. 206 00:09:56,120 --> 00:09:56,680 Sorry. 207 00:09:58,280 --> 00:09:59,640 I'm product of a broken home. 208 00:10:00,440 --> 00:10:03,560 Aw, then it's okay. 209 00:10:25,150 --> 00:10:25,790 Nice, huh? 210 00:10:26,750 --> 00:10:27,870 And quiet, too. 211 00:10:28,270 --> 00:10:30,990 Because I heard the immigration department did a sweep yesterday. 212 00:10:34,370 --> 00:10:36,850 So you're gonna be my company here, huh? 213 00:10:37,490 --> 00:10:39,890 Well, that is great. 214 00:10:40,210 --> 00:10:42,370 Hey, I ever tell you I used to box Golden Gloves? 215 00:10:42,450 --> 00:10:43,170 Oh, yeah. 216 00:10:43,650 --> 00:10:44,370 Put them up. 217 00:10:44,370 --> 00:10:45,050 Put them up. 218 00:10:45,050 --> 00:10:45,410 Watch. 219 00:10:45,490 --> 00:10:46,290 Watch the left. 220 00:10:48,610 --> 00:10:49,810 He didn't watch the left. 221 00:10:51,650 --> 00:10:53,090 Oh, man. 222 00:10:53,490 --> 00:10:54,130 Just think. 223 00:10:55,330 --> 00:10:56,850 This is just the middle of my life. 224 00:10:57,730 --> 00:10:59,490 The end should be really good. 225 00:11:02,690 --> 00:11:04,530 Jack, you're a loser. 226 00:11:04,610 --> 00:11:05,170 Huh? 227 00:11:05,970 --> 00:11:07,410 I said a loser. 228 00:11:07,410 --> 00:11:08,930 What part of that didn't you understand? 229 00:11:14,370 --> 00:11:15,490 So you're talking, Mr. 230 00:11:15,490 --> 00:11:16,210 Floppy. 231 00:11:18,450 --> 00:11:20,770 It didn't take me long to lose my mind not to. 232 00:11:30,730 --> 00:11:32,250 You didn't just say something, right? 233 00:11:38,170 --> 00:11:39,130 Don't touch me. 234 00:11:39,130 --> 00:11:40,450 Don't even sit near me. 235 00:11:40,450 --> 00:11:41,370 I like my space. 236 00:11:46,810 --> 00:11:49,050 Okay, okay. 237 00:11:49,050 --> 00:11:50,370 I'm just not going to talk to you. 238 00:11:50,370 --> 00:11:52,090 I think that might be the best way to handle this. 239 00:11:52,730 --> 00:11:53,970 After all, I'm a grown man. 240 00:11:53,970 --> 00:11:55,840 I'm not going to sit here and talk to a bunny. 241 00:12:06,630 --> 00:12:07,990 So why do you think I'm a loser? 242 00:12:09,910 --> 00:12:10,310 Mr. 243 00:12:10,310 --> 00:12:10,950 Floppy? 244 00:12:13,830 --> 00:12:14,550 Thank God. 245 00:12:14,950 --> 00:12:17,190 For a minute, I thought I really was going nuts. 246 00:12:19,750 --> 00:12:21,390 I thought I told you not to touch me. 247 00:12:21,390 --> 00:12:22,790 I thought you stopped talking. 248 00:12:22,870 --> 00:12:23,900 I was screwing with you. 249 00:12:23,900 --> 00:12:24,010 I. 250 00:12:26,880 --> 00:12:27,320 Oh, don't. 251 00:12:27,320 --> 00:12:28,240 I'm very jumpy. 252 00:12:28,560 --> 00:12:28,960 All right. 253 00:12:28,960 --> 00:12:30,480 I think I'm starting to understand this. 254 00:12:30,960 --> 00:12:32,000 You're kind of my. 255 00:12:32,880 --> 00:12:33,920 My alter ego. 256 00:12:34,160 --> 00:12:35,480 Don't get too deep with this. 257 00:12:35,480 --> 00:12:36,880 I'm just a talking bunny. 258 00:12:46,800 --> 00:12:47,520 Hi, guys. 259 00:12:47,600 --> 00:12:48,720 Great to see you. 260 00:12:52,090 --> 00:12:53,290 What time you want the kids home? 261 00:12:53,450 --> 00:12:55,610 You know, you could bring them home a little late tonight. 262 00:12:55,610 --> 00:12:57,530 But, mom, you said we were just coming for a second. 263 00:12:57,850 --> 00:12:59,290 Everybody suffers in a divorce. 264 00:13:00,890 --> 00:13:01,930 Enjoy the kids. 265 00:13:06,010 --> 00:13:07,530 Well, dad, we're here for the night. 266 00:13:07,850 --> 00:13:08,690 What are we gonna do? 267 00:13:08,690 --> 00:13:09,490 Because I'm bored. 268 00:13:09,490 --> 00:13:10,170 I'm bored. 269 00:13:10,250 --> 00:13:10,970 I'm bored. 270 00:13:10,970 --> 00:13:12,170 Well, you won't be for long. 271 00:13:12,170 --> 00:13:13,530 It's like a wonderland here. 272 00:13:15,370 --> 00:13:15,850 Mr. 273 00:13:15,850 --> 00:13:16,730 Floppy. 274 00:13:18,170 --> 00:13:19,210 I missed you. 275 00:13:23,130 --> 00:13:25,370 Ross, maybe we should take a little easy with Mr. 276 00:13:25,370 --> 00:13:26,170 Floppy there. 277 00:13:26,810 --> 00:13:27,850 He loves it. 278 00:13:28,010 --> 00:13:28,810 Listen, Ross. 279 00:13:29,290 --> 00:13:31,050 Remember when you used to tell me how Mr. 280 00:13:31,050 --> 00:13:32,490 Floppy used to talk to you? 281 00:13:33,050 --> 00:13:37,530 Well, he really did talk to you, didn't he? 282 00:13:37,930 --> 00:13:40,890 Uh, no, Dad, I made that up. 283 00:13:41,450 --> 00:13:43,170 He's just a stupid bunny. 284 00:13:43,170 --> 00:13:43,530 Look. 285 00:13:45,770 --> 00:13:46,890 Maybe we gotta put Mr. 286 00:13:46,890 --> 00:13:48,130 Floppy away for a minute. 287 00:13:48,130 --> 00:13:50,090 His head's kinda coming off. 288 00:13:51,290 --> 00:13:52,170 You okay? 289 00:13:52,410 --> 00:13:54,330 I don't need your stinkin sympathy. 290 00:13:58,010 --> 00:13:59,450 So, how's everybody doing? 291 00:13:59,770 --> 00:14:00,570 I'm bored. 292 00:14:00,570 --> 00:14:01,290 I'm bored. 293 00:14:01,290 --> 00:14:02,010 I'm bored. 294 00:14:02,090 --> 00:14:02,770 I'm bored, too. 295 00:14:02,770 --> 00:14:04,810 I've been bored for 20 years and nobody seems to care. 296 00:14:06,010 --> 00:14:07,130 But I'm the dead. 297 00:14:08,890 --> 00:14:10,250 How did I become the dad? 298 00:14:11,220 --> 00:14:12,260 I used to be the kid. 299 00:14:13,060 --> 00:14:15,460 Matter of fact, people used to call me the kid. 300 00:14:16,340 --> 00:14:20,740 Yeah, they called me the Kid right up until you were born. 301 00:14:21,780 --> 00:14:23,860 Now I'm middle aged, I sell used cars. 302 00:14:23,860 --> 00:14:24,740 And you're born. 303 00:14:24,820 --> 00:14:26,180 Well, who cares about you? 304 00:14:26,339 --> 00:14:27,460 I'm dying here. 305 00:14:27,460 --> 00:14:28,420 I am dying. 306 00:14:32,500 --> 00:14:32,980 Sit down. 307 00:14:32,980 --> 00:14:33,540 Come on. 308 00:14:33,620 --> 00:14:34,180 Breathe. 309 00:14:36,430 --> 00:14:36,870 In and out. 310 00:14:36,870 --> 00:14:37,470 In and out. 311 00:14:39,310 --> 00:14:40,110 Okay, okay. 312 00:14:40,110 --> 00:14:40,910 I'm better now. 313 00:14:41,310 --> 00:14:41,710 Good. 314 00:14:42,350 --> 00:14:45,390 Dad, I'm the product of a broken home. 315 00:14:45,470 --> 00:14:46,990 And I want a Jeep Cherokee. 316 00:14:47,870 --> 00:14:50,110 And I want to transfer to a private school in France. 317 00:14:50,590 --> 00:14:52,350 It's only $25,000. 318 00:14:52,750 --> 00:14:53,950 So it's a cheap charity. 319 00:14:53,950 --> 00:14:55,270 I want to go to Disneyland. 320 00:14:55,270 --> 00:14:57,070 That's $25,000 too. 321 00:14:58,270 --> 00:14:59,110 Please, Daddy. 322 00:14:59,110 --> 00:15:00,150 Please, Daddy, I want to go. 323 00:15:00,150 --> 00:15:01,270 Okay, hold it, hold it, hold it. 324 00:15:01,270 --> 00:15:02,190 You want to go to France? 325 00:15:02,660 --> 00:15:03,380 You want a car? 326 00:15:03,860 --> 00:15:05,140 I want Disneyland. 327 00:15:05,140 --> 00:15:05,740 Who cares? 328 00:15:05,740 --> 00:15:06,580 You know what I want? 329 00:15:07,140 --> 00:15:09,060 I want to know how I'm gonna get to work tomorrow. 330 00:15:09,540 --> 00:15:13,420 Your mother's father, my supervisor, for some unknown reason, has decided to take 331 00:15:13,420 --> 00:15:14,420 away my company car. 332 00:15:14,660 --> 00:15:17,300 So now I'm trying to scrape together the down payment on a moped. 333 00:15:19,220 --> 00:15:20,500 Or maybe a lark. 334 00:15:21,140 --> 00:15:24,500 You know, one of those cool motorized chairs that old people go shopping in. 335 00:15:26,740 --> 00:15:27,620 Oh, sure. 336 00:15:28,370 --> 00:15:29,330 So you get what you want. 337 00:15:32,850 --> 00:15:34,530 Don't be so unfeeling. 338 00:15:34,930 --> 00:15:36,090 Our daddy is hurting. 339 00:15:36,090 --> 00:15:37,570 He needs our support right now. 340 00:15:41,490 --> 00:15:41,970 Hello? 341 00:15:42,530 --> 00:15:43,410 Oh, hi, Amber. 342 00:15:43,490 --> 00:15:44,770 Oh, I'm at my dad's place. 343 00:15:45,170 --> 00:15:46,850 Well, he wouldn't want to sit on the toilet here. 344 00:15:47,330 --> 00:15:48,610 I'm gonna play with Mr. 345 00:15:48,610 --> 00:15:53,590 Floppy. 346 00:15:55,580 --> 00:15:57,660 Would now be a bad time to ask about my Cherokee again? 347 00:15:58,460 --> 00:15:59,580 Let's just put it this way. 348 00:15:59,820 --> 00:16:03,180 You will get your Jeep Cherokee before your sister goes to France. 349 00:16:03,340 --> 00:16:03,900 All right? 350 00:16:04,300 --> 00:16:05,060 She's an idiot. 351 00:16:05,060 --> 00:16:06,580 Cause she really believes you're gonna send her. 352 00:16:06,580 --> 00:16:07,020 Yeah. 353 00:16:07,100 --> 00:16:09,180 Yeah, she sure is stupid. 354 00:16:11,260 --> 00:16:15,140 Listen, did you find out where your mom keeps my old leather jacket while 355 00:16:15,140 --> 00:16:15,780 she's out tonight? 356 00:16:15,780 --> 00:16:17,020 I'd kind of like to get it back. 357 00:16:18,060 --> 00:16:19,260 Well, gee, I don't know, Dad. 358 00:16:19,260 --> 00:16:21,920 I mean, if I told you that, it'd kind of be like I was 359 00:16:21,920 --> 00:16:22,720 taking sides. 360 00:16:24,240 --> 00:16:27,040 Oh, well, excuse me, Mr. 361 00:16:27,040 --> 00:16:29,480 Switzerland, Mr. 362 00:16:29,480 --> 00:16:31,340 Neutral, Mr. 363 00:16:31,406 --> 00:16:32,040 Sure, Mr. 364 00:16:32,040 --> 00:16:33,360 Nazi, we'll protect your money. 365 00:16:33,440 --> 00:16:34,000 Fine. 366 00:16:34,080 --> 00:16:36,440 You go put holes in your cheese while the world burns. 367 00:16:36,440 --> 00:16:37,240 You sissy. 368 00:16:37,240 --> 00:16:37,920 You fruit. 369 00:16:37,920 --> 00:16:39,280 Kick you, lady boy. 370 00:16:39,280 --> 00:16:39,760 All right. 371 00:16:41,200 --> 00:16:43,360 I tell you, that's my boy. 372 00:16:53,050 --> 00:16:54,490 You know, I love my jacket. 373 00:16:55,290 --> 00:16:56,330 Still fits, too. 374 00:16:58,250 --> 00:17:00,410 God, you're one deluded schizophrenic. 375 00:17:01,530 --> 00:17:02,730 You want some advice? 376 00:17:03,370 --> 00:17:03,770 Run. 377 00:17:04,570 --> 00:17:08,930 Change your name, move to the Ozarks, sell you sheep, have a daughter and 378 00:17:08,930 --> 00:17:09,490 marry her. 379 00:17:09,490 --> 00:17:11,050 The important part is run. 380 00:17:12,250 --> 00:17:13,930 I never ran from anything in my life. 381 00:17:15,050 --> 00:17:16,730 Except for cops and really big guys. 382 00:17:17,210 --> 00:17:18,570 But never from responsibility. 383 00:17:19,850 --> 00:17:21,690 Except that girl that thought she was pregnant. 384 00:17:23,210 --> 00:17:24,650 Wonder whatever happened to her. 385 00:17:25,210 --> 00:17:26,490 Anyway, I'm not running now. 386 00:17:26,810 --> 00:17:29,290 I'm gonna stay here and take care of my wife and kids. 387 00:17:30,010 --> 00:17:32,410 Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah blah blah. 388 00:17:33,130 --> 00:17:35,290 Save your cheap sentiment for full house. 389 00:17:37,050 --> 00:17:38,370 Your wives are shrew. 390 00:17:38,370 --> 00:17:41,670 And if you think your kids love you, they don't believe me. 391 00:17:41,670 --> 00:17:42,430 I was there. 392 00:17:44,430 --> 00:17:47,630 You know, there's a nice big can down by the bus stop. 393 00:17:47,870 --> 00:17:49,790 It says toys for Honduras. 394 00:17:50,990 --> 00:17:52,510 How'd you like to wake up there? 395 00:17:53,870 --> 00:17:55,470 Do it if you got the guts. 396 00:18:01,070 --> 00:18:02,910 Maybe this divorce was my fault. 397 00:18:02,910 --> 00:18:05,150 I can't even get along with a stuffed bunny. 398 00:18:07,650 --> 00:18:08,290 Who is it? 399 00:18:08,370 --> 00:18:08,770 Me. 400 00:18:11,090 --> 00:18:12,610 Watch me give her a hard time. 401 00:18:13,330 --> 00:18:14,290 Who is me? 402 00:18:14,530 --> 00:18:15,250 Drop dead. 403 00:18:15,250 --> 00:18:15,810 I'm leaving. 404 00:18:15,810 --> 00:18:16,730 Okay, okay. 405 00:18:16,730 --> 00:18:17,490 I'm opening. 406 00:18:18,610 --> 00:18:19,250 Punk. 407 00:18:21,970 --> 00:18:23,090 What are you doing here? 408 00:18:23,650 --> 00:18:26,530 Oh, this place is charming. 409 00:18:27,250 --> 00:18:33,490 The condemned notice outside doesn't begin to describe the Beirut like squalor. 410 00:18:33,490 --> 00:18:35,970 Which is your new home? 411 00:18:36,930 --> 00:18:38,010 Ah, what does it matter? 412 00:18:38,010 --> 00:18:39,630 You're gonna your whole life. 413 00:18:40,190 --> 00:18:40,910 What did you do? 414 00:18:40,910 --> 00:18:42,350 Get your period and rush right over? 415 00:18:47,390 --> 00:18:50,750 It's not due for two days and we both know I don't get pms. 416 00:18:51,470 --> 00:18:52,750 You do know that, don't you? 417 00:18:52,990 --> 00:18:54,790 Besides, it has nothing to do with that. 418 00:18:54,790 --> 00:18:58,630 It's just that every month you just happen to do something real annoying right 419 00:18:58,630 --> 00:18:59,350 before my period. 420 00:18:59,350 --> 00:18:59,590 Night. 421 00:18:59,590 --> 00:19:00,830 You see, you're doing it again. 422 00:19:00,910 --> 00:19:02,230 You're breathing in and out. 423 00:19:02,230 --> 00:19:02,910 In and out. 424 00:19:07,550 --> 00:19:09,310 Do you know what I really hate about you? 425 00:19:11,050 --> 00:19:12,890 That I can't sleep without you. 426 00:19:13,690 --> 00:19:15,290 Oh, so you miss me, huh? 427 00:19:16,330 --> 00:19:17,050 Get real. 428 00:19:17,770 --> 00:19:19,290 I just had a bad date. 429 00:19:20,330 --> 00:19:24,410 He took me out to eat, the check came, he touched my thigh and 430 00:19:24,490 --> 00:19:26,410 said, you had the Big Mac Value meal. 431 00:19:26,410 --> 00:19:27,770 Give me three bucks, we'll call it even. 432 00:19:29,050 --> 00:19:32,050 Then we went back to his place where he wept because his mother used 433 00:19:32,050 --> 00:19:33,370 to beat him when he was 5. 434 00:19:34,570 --> 00:19:35,660 Said he needed a hug. 435 00:19:37,090 --> 00:19:37,890 I hugged him. 436 00:19:38,450 --> 00:19:39,650 Then he started crying. 437 00:19:40,050 --> 00:19:41,490 Hug me, spank me. 438 00:19:41,490 --> 00:19:42,930 Hug me, spank me. 439 00:19:46,610 --> 00:19:48,210 God, he was gross. 440 00:19:49,490 --> 00:19:51,490 I spanked him and got the hell out of there. 441 00:19:55,170 --> 00:19:58,210 Well, as wretched as you are, at least you never cried. 442 00:19:58,450 --> 00:20:00,050 That's cause you never spanked me. 443 00:20:00,130 --> 00:20:02,050 I'd be happy to beat the hell out of you right now. 444 00:20:03,410 --> 00:20:04,370 I'm going to sleep. 445 00:20:04,600 --> 00:20:05,320 Don't touch me. 446 00:20:08,600 --> 00:20:11,400 Well, I guess this is kind of good for me. 447 00:20:11,880 --> 00:20:15,120 Cause if all guys are like that guy, I should do pretty good out 448 00:20:15,120 --> 00:20:15,400 there. 449 00:20:15,800 --> 00:20:16,760 Oh, please. 450 00:20:17,480 --> 00:20:19,720 Don't begin to compare yourself to him. 451 00:20:20,040 --> 00:20:22,920 This man was a mailman with his own car. 452 00:20:28,520 --> 00:20:29,720 What happened to us? 453 00:20:30,130 --> 00:20:31,370 We went on vacation to Hawaii. 454 00:20:31,370 --> 00:20:32,690 Their first one without the kids. 455 00:20:33,490 --> 00:20:36,570 I got to talk to each other and Realized that every single thing you 456 00:20:36,570 --> 00:20:38,930 do or think or say makes me sick. 457 00:20:45,570 --> 00:20:47,650 Didn't you ever like anything about me? 458 00:20:47,810 --> 00:20:49,490 Yeah, your legs. 459 00:20:50,210 --> 00:20:50,850 That's it. 460 00:20:51,570 --> 00:20:52,370 Nothing else? 461 00:20:53,090 --> 00:20:54,450 Nothing about my essence? 462 00:20:54,530 --> 00:20:55,930 Everything that makes me me? 463 00:20:55,930 --> 00:20:57,170 No, just your legs. 464 00:20:58,450 --> 00:20:59,570 Maybe you're tushy. 465 00:21:00,290 --> 00:21:01,250 You're a pig. 466 00:21:04,290 --> 00:21:07,650 But every once in a while, you need a good pig. 467 00:21:10,770 --> 00:21:11,570 Don't do it. 468 00:21:11,570 --> 00:21:12,370 Don't do it. 469 00:21:12,690 --> 00:21:14,210 You want me to make you suffer? 470 00:21:14,610 --> 00:21:16,930 Oh, Daddy, make me cry. 471 00:21:27,160 --> 00:21:27,480 Jack, 472 00:21:35,880 --> 00:21:36,680 you okay? 473 00:21:36,840 --> 00:21:39,000 Stick that in your chest, then ask me. 474 00:21:40,280 --> 00:21:42,440 By the way, I hope it doesn't become a habit. 475 00:21:42,440 --> 00:21:43,800 People pinning notes to me. 476 00:21:43,800 --> 00:21:45,720 Get a bulletin board, for God's sake. 477 00:21:47,480 --> 00:21:48,520 And an Airwick. 478 00:21:48,520 --> 00:21:49,880 And a picture on the wall. 479 00:21:49,880 --> 00:21:51,600 Something tropical, right? 480 00:21:51,600 --> 00:21:53,240 All right, I'll take care of it. 481 00:21:54,030 --> 00:21:54,270 Great. 482 00:21:54,270 --> 00:21:55,870 Now I'm gonna be bunny whipped. 483 00:22:03,790 --> 00:22:08,590 Jack, it was cold, so I took your jacket and two bucks for gas. 484 00:22:08,670 --> 00:22:10,830 Just like you used to squeeze out of me when we were dating. 485 00:22:12,990 --> 00:22:13,790 Ah, well. 486 00:22:14,510 --> 00:22:16,110 Didn't fit me anymore anyhow. 487 00:22:17,230 --> 00:22:18,470 God, you're a loser. 488 00:22:18,470 --> 00:22:21,710 She got the house, the car, your money, and your manhood. 489 00:22:21,950 --> 00:22:23,070 Why are you smiling? 490 00:22:24,590 --> 00:22:25,790 Cause she got the kids. 491 00:22:30,510 --> 00:22:31,470 Don't touch me. 492 00:22:37,630 --> 00:22:41,990 Dear Unhappily Ever after, your show is a cheap rip off of Taming of 493 00:22:41,990 --> 00:22:42,590 the Shrew. 494 00:22:42,750 --> 00:22:43,390 Bill W. 495 00:22:43,390 --> 00:22:44,910 Secaucus, New Jersey. 496 00:22:45,310 --> 00:22:47,150 Bill, you're an idiot. 497 00:22:47,230 --> 00:22:49,390 We bear no resemblance to Shakespeare. 498 00:22:49,790 --> 00:22:50,910 We are in English. 499 00:22:51,150 --> 00:22:54,270 His plays are filled with sexual innuendo and cod pieces. 500 00:22:54,590 --> 00:22:56,030 We have no cod pieces. 501 00:22:56,350 --> 00:22:58,830 Send your retarded letter to pbs, you fool. 502 00:23:00,510 --> 00:23:02,030 Hey, get to work. 503 00:23:03,305 --> 00:24:03,241 Support us and become VIP member to remove all ads from www.OpenSubtitles.org