"Here We Go" Robin's LARP Festival

1 00:00:04,320 --> 00:00:06,000 Whose cat is that? 2 00:00:07,360 --> 00:00:08,840 ♪ Happy birth... ♪ 3 00:00:10,280 --> 00:00:11,640 Who's eaten my mousse? 4 00:00:13,920 --> 00:00:16,317 Now, take another one, Sammy. 5 00:00:16,400 --> 00:00:17,797 I would, just in case. 6 00:00:17,880 --> 00:00:19,637 You've already given me a pack of 12, Granny. 7 00:00:19,720 --> 00:00:21,957 Yeah, they're only going for 36 hours, Mum. 8 00:00:22,040 --> 00:00:24,957 They'll be fine. They're capable young men. 9 00:00:25,040 --> 00:00:26,197 Sort of. Are they? Yeah. 10 00:00:26,280 --> 00:00:28,197 That one's got his stuff in carrier bags. 11 00:00:28,280 --> 00:00:30,440 Oh! Have you not got a backpack, Kai? 12 00:00:31,480 --> 00:00:33,357 Ah, no. I've just got the cazzers. 13 00:00:33,440 --> 00:00:35,077 Aw! Cazzers?! 14 00:00:35,160 --> 00:00:37,597 I can't open the jar, by the way. Oh. 15 00:00:37,680 --> 00:00:40,077 Oh, that's all right. Yeah. Thanks for trying. 16 00:00:40,160 --> 00:00:42,197 OK, so, Sam... Mm-hm... if it does all go Pete Tong, 17 00:00:42,280 --> 00:00:45,677 just keep heading downhill and you will eventually find water. 18 00:00:45,760 --> 00:00:47,157 OK. What? Yep. 19 00:00:47,240 --> 00:00:49,557 Don't tell them to drink water from the ground, Robin. 20 00:00:49,640 --> 00:00:51,397 It'll be full of shit or frogs or whatever. 21 00:00:51,480 --> 00:00:52,477 Don't do that, actually. 22 00:00:52,560 --> 00:00:54,677 I've got two big bottles of Irn-Bru anyway. OK. 23 00:00:54,760 --> 00:00:58,957 Exactly. Now stick to the Bru and shout for help. Yeah. 24 00:00:59,040 --> 00:01:01,317 What? Shout for help, when? 25 00:01:01,400 --> 00:01:02,797 When you need it. 26 00:01:02,880 --> 00:01:06,357 If you need it. Right. Yeah. Scream, scream. 27 00:01:06,440 --> 00:01:09,117 Oh, come on! Don't panic. It's only D of E. 28 00:01:09,200 --> 00:01:11,837 He's not going to war. And he's 16 now. 29 00:01:11,920 --> 00:01:14,117 We can trust him. SAM: Yeah. Thank you, Mum. 30 00:01:14,200 --> 00:01:17,517 OK. That's the exact opposite of what you've been saying all week. 31 00:01:17,600 --> 00:01:19,877 Right. Well, good luck at your nerd festival. 32 00:01:19,960 --> 00:01:21,997 Oh! Did you still want to use my camera, Robin? 33 00:01:22,080 --> 00:01:24,077 Oh! I do actually, yeah. Give it here. 34 00:01:24,160 --> 00:01:27,717 OK, I got it. There he is. Hey! Hey! 35 00:01:27,800 --> 00:01:29,437 Having a baby. Not with you, though, mate. 36 00:01:29,520 --> 00:01:30,877 Yeah. I know, I'm not the dad. Yeah, well, don't. 37 00:01:30,960 --> 00:01:32,997 OK. Goodbye forever. Aw! 38 00:01:33,080 --> 00:01:36,517 Forever! Very funny. Very funny, Sam. 39 00:01:36,600 --> 00:01:38,477 Listen, stay safe, all right? 40 00:01:38,560 --> 00:01:39,837 Safety first! Yeah. 41 00:01:39,920 --> 00:01:41,680 OK. Yes. I love you! 42 00:01:42,640 --> 00:01:43,957 Just Sam, of course. 43 00:01:44,040 --> 00:01:46,597 Bye, boys. Oh. Oh, his Pot Noodle's come out. 44 00:01:46,680 --> 00:01:49,557 Has he dropped his bag. Yeah, he's... What are you doing, Rach? 45 00:01:49,640 --> 00:01:50,997 He's lost his Wotsits. 46 00:01:51,080 --> 00:01:52,197 Rach? 47 00:01:52,280 --> 00:01:53,477 Ah! This one. 48 00:01:53,560 --> 00:01:54,877 I'm already taking a bobble hat. 49 00:01:54,960 --> 00:01:56,637 Yeah, but put this balaclava on top of that, 50 00:01:56,720 --> 00:01:58,997 or probably underneath it, actually, given the bobble. 51 00:01:59,080 --> 00:02:01,157 It's, like, 20 degrees out there. Yeah. 52 00:02:01,240 --> 00:02:02,717 Mum! Big news, Mum! 53 00:02:02,800 --> 00:02:04,877 Do we have any flares? Huh? 54 00:02:04,960 --> 00:02:06,557 For Sam's D of E. 55 00:02:06,640 --> 00:02:08,597 Well, he's not going to be wearing flares, surely. 56 00:02:08,680 --> 00:02:11,117 No. To set off. Did you have any with your boat? 57 00:02:11,200 --> 00:02:12,917 Uh, I don't... Why is he setting off flares? 58 00:02:13,000 --> 00:02:13,997 He's not the Red Arrows. 59 00:02:14,080 --> 00:02:16,077 He's not allowed his phone on a D of E 60 00:02:16,160 --> 00:02:19,557 and, you know, it's in the wild at night, anything could happen. 61 00:02:19,640 --> 00:02:21,597 This is central England, Rachel. There is no "wild". 62 00:02:21,680 --> 00:02:23,237 Exactly. The worst that can happen 63 00:02:23,320 --> 00:02:25,237 is that they get hit by a couple of golf balls, 64 00:02:25,320 --> 00:02:27,077 or they eat in a Harvester. 65 00:02:27,160 --> 00:02:28,437 Maybe you should wear the helmet in that case, 66 00:02:28,520 --> 00:02:30,037 if they're going to be golf balls. What?! 67 00:02:30,120 --> 00:02:32,117 I'm not walking around in a helmet like a toddler. 68 00:02:32,200 --> 00:02:33,957 All right. What's your big news, Dad? 69 00:02:34,040 --> 00:02:35,957 You said, "Big news." Huh? Oh, yeah. 70 00:02:36,040 --> 00:02:37,917 Mum, I'm going to be a mentor, Mum! 71 00:02:38,000 --> 00:02:39,077 What?! 72 00:02:39,160 --> 00:02:40,797 What's that, Paul? 73 00:02:40,880 --> 00:02:42,157 I'm going to be a mentor! 74 00:02:42,240 --> 00:02:44,917 Oh! Yeah! What, like, half man-half horse? 75 00:02:45,000 --> 00:02:47,077 Oh! No. That's a centaur. Yeah, yeah. 76 00:02:47,160 --> 00:02:48,837 I'm not going to be one of them, obviously. 77 00:02:48,920 --> 00:02:51,917 Uh, no, it's... it's like a, like a, like a role model. 78 00:02:52,000 --> 00:02:53,757 A role model?! Yeah. You? Me. 79 00:02:53,840 --> 00:02:55,237 Who for? The police. Yeah. 80 00:02:55,320 --> 00:02:56,677 But you've only been there a few months. 81 00:02:56,760 --> 00:02:58,037 Six months. Oh! Yeah. 82 00:02:58,120 --> 00:03:01,557 So I guess they must be just really impressed with me! Right. 83 00:03:01,640 --> 00:03:06,637 Oh! That's wonderful, Paul. I know, it is. Oh, I know, I know. 84 00:03:06,720 --> 00:03:10,237 Yeah, yeah. No, it's an absolute boon, to be honest, Mum. 85 00:03:10,320 --> 00:03:11,837 Yeah. Because I was really worried 86 00:03:11,920 --> 00:03:14,557 that they weren't so happy with how things were going, so... 87 00:03:14,640 --> 00:03:15,997 Really? Yeah. This is just so reassuring. 88 00:03:16,080 --> 00:03:17,437 So, who are you mentoring, then? 89 00:03:17,520 --> 00:03:20,317 Well, they buddied me up with this young officer called Lee. 90 00:03:20,400 --> 00:03:22,077 Aw! Oh! Yeah, I know, I know. 91 00:03:22,160 --> 00:03:23,717 He's, you know... 92 00:03:23,800 --> 00:03:26,677 He's obviously under performing and he needs my help, 93 00:03:26,760 --> 00:03:28,837 so don't mention that to him when he comes over, 94 00:03:28,920 --> 00:03:31,917 because he's bound to be anxious, the poor lad. 95 00:03:32,000 --> 00:03:34,317 Is he coming here? Tomorrow. OK. Yeah, yeah. 96 00:03:34,400 --> 00:03:36,837 So I just want to keep things super-duper chill, OK? 97 00:03:36,920 --> 00:03:39,517 I don't want him to be too intimidated by me. 98 00:03:39,600 --> 00:03:41,757 So... Hey, what's this? Banitsa. 99 00:03:41,840 --> 00:03:43,877 It's Bulgaria's answer to the cheese to as tie. 100 00:03:43,960 --> 00:03:45,637 If the question is, 101 00:03:45,720 --> 00:03:47,157 "Can you please ruin a cheese to as tie?" 102 00:03:47,240 --> 00:03:49,237 If he's got anxiety, I'm the one that should talk to him. 103 00:03:49,320 --> 00:03:50,957 I'm trying to deal with that. Sort of. 104 00:03:51,040 --> 00:03:52,317 You're worried I'm going to die 105 00:03:52,400 --> 00:03:54,037 if I spend one night in Kempston Wood. 106 00:03:54,120 --> 00:03:56,997 No. I'm worried that you might get lost or abducted. 107 00:03:57,080 --> 00:04:00,477 "Abducted"? Who's going to abduct Sam? He's an absolute lug. 108 00:04:00,560 --> 00:04:01,637 No offence. None taken. 109 00:04:01,720 --> 00:04:04,037 And she won't let me go to Corfu in the summer with Kai? 110 00:04:04,120 --> 00:04:06,677 Yeah. Rightly so. And you're taking his torch, too. 111 00:04:06,760 --> 00:04:09,677 So you've been back to your Bulgarian quarry then, Robin? 112 00:04:09,760 --> 00:04:12,357 Um, yeah. No, actually, I've sold the quarry. 113 00:04:12,440 --> 00:04:14,357 It's full of dogs. Yeah. So, um... 114 00:04:14,440 --> 00:04:16,237 No, I've bought a cooling tower now instead, 115 00:04:16,320 --> 00:04:18,317 so I was checking that out. I wasn't. 116 00:04:18,400 --> 00:04:21,077 No, Chez can't fly when she's just pregnant, in case her legs swell up. 117 00:04:21,160 --> 00:04:24,477 Also, Sue, I got you something from the airport. 118 00:04:24,560 --> 00:04:26,237 ALL: Oh! Eh up! 119 00:04:26,320 --> 00:04:31,037 Oh, here we go. Hey-hey! Oh, you remembered! 120 00:04:31,120 --> 00:04:33,237 Oh! Gross! You and your gherks! 121 00:04:33,320 --> 00:04:35,597 Eugh! You don't have to eat them. 122 00:04:35,680 --> 00:04:37,717 And Bulgarian gherkins are insane. 123 00:04:37,800 --> 00:04:40,597 Honestly, those people can pickle. Can they? Yeah. 124 00:04:40,680 --> 00:04:42,117 Why is it so stiff, Robin? 125 00:04:42,200 --> 00:04:44,237 Oh, ho-ho! Don't. I wasn't going to. 126 00:04:44,320 --> 00:04:46,237 You were going to. That's exactly what you were going to. 127 00:04:46,320 --> 00:04:48,557 I was going to, yeah. Well, I can't open it. 128 00:04:48,640 --> 00:04:50,877 It's as stiff as a guardsman. What?! Let me try. 129 00:04:50,960 --> 00:04:53,277 Never heard that expression before in my life. 130 00:04:53,360 --> 00:04:55,877 I'm absolutely gagging for a holiday, to be honest. 131 00:04:55,960 --> 00:04:57,477 Somewhere like Corfu 132 00:04:57,560 --> 00:04:59,477 or even Bulgaria would do. 133 00:04:59,560 --> 00:05:01,117 What you need to do is you need 134 00:05:01,200 --> 00:05:03,597 to twist the bottom as well as the top. Yeah. All right. 135 00:05:03,680 --> 00:05:05,997 You don't need to mentor me on how to open jars, Dad. 136 00:05:06,080 --> 00:05:08,197 Well, you say that and yet the lid's still on. 137 00:05:08,280 --> 00:05:11,517 Ugh! Right. I'm going to go prep for my sesh. 138 00:05:11,600 --> 00:05:14,597 Where's that book of quotes, guys? I don't know. 139 00:05:14,680 --> 00:05:17,957 You can still have a holiday, Cherry, but within the UK, 140 00:05:18,040 --> 00:05:19,677 you know, a staycation. Yeah. 141 00:05:19,760 --> 00:05:21,837 Oh, grow up! No? That's not a holiday. 142 00:05:21,920 --> 00:05:23,917 What, going to a different branch of WH Smiths 143 00:05:24,000 --> 00:05:25,437 somewhere else it's also raining? 144 00:05:25,520 --> 00:05:28,637 OK. No, no, I want a change of scene. 145 00:05:28,720 --> 00:05:30,877 I'm talking coconuts, flowy dresses. 146 00:05:30,960 --> 00:05:32,277 Do you know what I mean? 147 00:05:32,360 --> 00:05:34,077 Come to LARP Quest with me next weekend then, 148 00:05:34,160 --> 00:05:35,477 babe, you sort of have to wear a flowy dress 149 00:05:35,560 --> 00:05:36,717 if you're going as a human woman. Mm. 150 00:05:36,800 --> 00:05:38,477 Stop suggesting that, Robin. 151 00:05:38,560 --> 00:05:41,677 I do not want to play dress-up and talk about the bloody Hobbit. 152 00:05:41,760 --> 00:05:44,797 You would absolutely love me in my Selwyn LARP cosy. 153 00:05:44,880 --> 00:05:47,477 I swear. I'll be your knight in shining arm our. 154 00:05:47,560 --> 00:05:49,197 Plastic arm our. It'll shine. 155 00:05:49,280 --> 00:05:50,957 You buff anything hard enough and it'll shine. 156 00:05:51,040 --> 00:05:53,037 Fact! And I've got a big sword. 157 00:05:53,120 --> 00:05:54,437 RACHEL: Oh, my God! 158 00:05:54,520 --> 00:05:57,477 I do like a sword. Yeah, well, this baby is the scourge 159 00:05:57,560 --> 00:06:00,357 of LARP Quest. Larp, what, Robin? What's that? 160 00:06:00,440 --> 00:06:01,717 Yeah. LARP Quest, Sue. 161 00:06:01,800 --> 00:06:04,277 So, it's a historical / fantasy thing, 162 00:06:04,360 --> 00:06:05,397 like live-action role play 163 00:06:05,480 --> 00:06:07,997 where everyone goes as different factions. 164 00:06:08,080 --> 00:06:09,997 So human, goblinoid, elvish, dwarf, etc. 165 00:06:10,080 --> 00:06:12,397 Oh, you can go as Elvis! Oh, how funny! 166 00:06:12,480 --> 00:06:14,517 No, Elvish, Granny. As in elves. 167 00:06:14,600 --> 00:06:16,397 Yeah, I can't do that. 168 00:06:16,480 --> 00:06:18,917 Right. Move over, Rover. Let Robin take over. 169 00:06:19,000 --> 00:06:22,597 He Man. See? And you're Winalot after the dog food, 170 00:06:22,680 --> 00:06:24,757 are you, Robin? Yeah, exactly. No. What? 171 00:06:24,840 --> 00:06:28,597 No. It's like Lancelot, but Win-a-lot, because I win a lot. 172 00:06:28,680 --> 00:06:31,277 Oh, dear. I forgot about the dog food, actually. 173 00:06:31,360 --> 00:06:33,077 SAM: So, it's like Dungeons & Dragons, basically. 174 00:06:33,160 --> 00:06:36,157 Yeah. Live action. Yeah. Aargh! So we're talking sword fights, 175 00:06:36,240 --> 00:06:39,157 mead. It is the absolute bomb. Oh, that is as stiff as a duck's ass. 176 00:06:39,240 --> 00:06:40,477 I'm sorry. 177 00:06:40,560 --> 00:06:42,317 Maybe I should invite Maya to that instead. 178 00:06:42,400 --> 00:06:44,597 I mean, it's not exactly Glasto, but at least it's a festival. 179 00:06:44,680 --> 00:06:45,837 Oh. Did you not get tickets? 180 00:06:45,920 --> 00:06:47,197 No. I slept through the alarm. 181 00:06:47,280 --> 00:06:50,157 Oh, God! I missed it. She's in a bit of a mood with me. 182 00:06:50,240 --> 00:06:52,597 Well, yeah. Do you know what? Why don't we all go? 183 00:06:52,680 --> 00:06:54,517 No! No, no. Sorry, 184 00:06:54,600 --> 00:06:56,077 but I can't be around people that nerdy. 185 00:06:56,160 --> 00:06:58,917 It makes me so angry. Thank you. Sorry. All right. Oh, God! 186 00:06:59,000 --> 00:07:02,957 Somebody, one of us must be able to open this jar, surely! 187 00:07:03,040 --> 00:07:05,917 It's like the sword in the stone, isn't it? 188 00:07:06,000 --> 00:07:08,277 SAM: Not really. I'll get Kay's new boyfriend's over. 189 00:07:08,360 --> 00:07:11,557 Yeah, yeah, he's well strong. Oh! 190 00:07:11,640 --> 00:07:13,157 He can tow a car. 191 00:07:13,240 --> 00:07:16,877 With another car? No, no, no, with his hands. 192 00:07:16,960 --> 00:07:19,557 I think. Right? I mean, he is a mechanic. 193 00:07:19,640 --> 00:07:21,197 He can. He can. 194 00:07:21,280 --> 00:07:23,400 "If you can dream it, you can do it." 195 00:07:24,720 --> 00:07:26,117 Walt Disney. 196 00:07:26,200 --> 00:07:27,917 OK, well, I can dream 197 00:07:28,000 --> 00:07:30,037 that I can open this jar, 198 00:07:30,120 --> 00:07:32,517 but I can't do it. So that's not true, is it? 199 00:07:32,600 --> 00:07:35,840 Yeah. "Failure is success in progress." 200 00:07:37,040 --> 00:07:38,757 Einstein. 201 00:07:38,840 --> 00:07:40,837 I might print some of these out, actually, for Lee. 202 00:07:40,920 --> 00:07:42,757 OK, but, well, putting out other people's quotes 203 00:07:42,840 --> 00:07:44,437 is not mentoring, Paul, that's Instagram. 204 00:07:44,520 --> 00:07:46,117 That's very different. Yeah. 205 00:07:46,200 --> 00:07:49,000 "You've got to give something back." 206 00:07:50,040 --> 00:07:52,197 "You can't just sit there." 207 00:07:52,280 --> 00:07:53,757 Prince Harry. 208 00:07:53,840 --> 00:07:56,037 Amen. Completely agree, mate. 209 00:07:56,120 --> 00:07:58,397 PAUL WHISPERS: "Trust plus preparation equals bull's-eye." 210 00:07:58,480 --> 00:08:00,517 Sam? Uh-huh. 211 00:08:00,600 --> 00:08:02,077 Why are you wearing that? 212 00:08:02,160 --> 00:08:04,237 What? Oh, it's for my mentoring. 213 00:08:04,320 --> 00:08:07,717 Yeah, I want to look approachable and clever. 214 00:08:07,800 --> 00:08:10,037 Right. Well, you look like Kevin McCloud. 215 00:08:10,120 --> 00:08:13,237 Great. And I got that scarf out for Sam's D of E. 216 00:08:13,320 --> 00:08:17,277 Yeah, I'm not taking it, or that giant first aid kit. Well... 217 00:08:17,360 --> 00:08:18,477 DOORBELL RINGS Doorbell! 218 00:08:18,560 --> 00:08:20,517 That's him, that's him, that's Lee! 219 00:08:20,600 --> 00:08:22,397 Everyone just give him some space, OK, guys. 220 00:08:22,480 --> 00:08:24,477 It's not that big, Sam. Mum, it's enormous. 221 00:08:24,560 --> 00:08:26,397 It'd be easier to put a doctor on his bag. 222 00:08:26,480 --> 00:08:28,077 Exactly. I can't do that. OK, Lee. 223 00:08:28,160 --> 00:08:29,717 Thanks for coming, champ. 224 00:08:29,800 --> 00:08:32,837 You OK, bud? Yeah. Fine, thanks. I'm sorry I'm late. 225 00:08:32,920 --> 00:08:36,717 I got a bit lost. Well, not any more. Not when I'm around. 226 00:08:36,800 --> 00:08:37,880 Hi. 227 00:08:38,920 --> 00:08:41,357 This is Sam. You don't mind if my son films the sesh, 228 00:08:41,440 --> 00:08:44,637 do you, bud? Uh, no. No. Whatever you want. 229 00:08:44,720 --> 00:08:45,800 Great. 230 00:08:47,040 --> 00:08:49,877 Everyone, this is Lee. 231 00:08:49,960 --> 00:08:51,317 ALL: Hi, Lee. 232 00:08:51,400 --> 00:08:54,477 Hi. Yeah, we're just going to go next door, so... 233 00:08:54,560 --> 00:08:58,197 Would you like a cup of tea, Lee, or a casserole? 234 00:08:58,280 --> 00:09:00,157 Uh, no, I don't think. 235 00:09:00,240 --> 00:09:02,517 Oh, but I would have a gherkin if one's going. 236 00:09:02,600 --> 00:09:05,277 Oh, well. If you can open it, you can. 237 00:09:05,360 --> 00:09:09,517 Yeah. Good luck. It's impossible. Oh, no. 238 00:09:09,600 --> 00:09:12,317 Oh, go for it, Lee. It's really hard. Oh. 239 00:09:12,400 --> 00:09:14,197 No. Stiff as a guardsman, isn't it? 240 00:09:14,280 --> 00:09:16,000 Yeah, that's what I said. 241 00:09:17,560 --> 00:09:19,917 I need to wee. Of course you do. 242 00:09:20,000 --> 00:09:22,437 It's just out there on the right, champ. OK. 243 00:09:22,520 --> 00:09:25,117 Just there. Go get 'em. Oh... 244 00:09:25,200 --> 00:09:27,437 Yeah. Oh! Yeah, watch the... 245 00:09:27,520 --> 00:09:30,117 Watch the... door. OK? Yeah. 246 00:09:30,200 --> 00:09:33,837 Don't set Lee a physical challenge as soon as he comes in, Mum. 247 00:09:33,920 --> 00:09:35,357 He asked for a gherkin. 248 00:09:35,440 --> 00:09:37,317 How's that going to build his confidence, 249 00:09:37,400 --> 00:09:39,757 failing to open a jar? Jeez Louise! 250 00:09:39,840 --> 00:09:41,477 Does he always wear the helmet? RACHEL LAUGHS 251 00:09:41,560 --> 00:09:44,157 No! I mean, I think he cycled here. I mean... 252 00:09:44,240 --> 00:09:46,317 I mean, surely not. He can't... 253 00:09:46,400 --> 00:09:49,037 Don't laugh at Lee! That's... 254 00:09:49,120 --> 00:09:51,517 This is why he needs my help, OK? 255 00:09:51,600 --> 00:09:53,317 In fact, can you just...? Shh-shh! LAUGHING: Yes? 256 00:09:53,400 --> 00:09:55,677 Can you just stall him while, um...? Rachel. 257 00:09:55,760 --> 00:09:58,597 Lee? Yeah? I'm just... I'm just going to finish up next door. 258 00:09:58,680 --> 00:10:01,277 OK, champ? OK. OK, bud. 259 00:10:01,360 --> 00:10:03,317 THEY LAUGH 260 00:10:03,400 --> 00:10:05,397 WHISPERING: Oh, sh, sh. He's coming. 261 00:10:05,480 --> 00:10:07,077 Oh... bugger. 262 00:10:07,160 --> 00:10:09,437 Aw, hey, Lee. How are you doing? 263 00:10:09,520 --> 00:10:11,517 Ah, God, I got some on my trouser. 264 00:10:11,600 --> 00:10:14,677 Oh, that's all right. That can happen to anyone. 265 00:10:14,760 --> 00:10:16,317 Men, mainly. Mm. 266 00:10:16,400 --> 00:10:18,637 So, is this your first time? 267 00:10:18,720 --> 00:10:22,197 Yeah, no. Well, never been a mentor before. Ah. 268 00:10:22,280 --> 00:10:24,437 But I was the youngest ever Akela. 269 00:10:24,520 --> 00:10:27,277 For the 78th Bedford Cub Scout group, 270 00:10:27,360 --> 00:10:30,277 so it's safe to say I know a thing or two about leadership. Oh... 271 00:10:30,360 --> 00:10:31,677 Hang on. 272 00:10:31,760 --> 00:10:33,597 So, you're the mentor? 273 00:10:33,680 --> 00:10:35,357 Yeah. Why? 274 00:10:35,440 --> 00:10:37,837 OK, so before we get into it, champ, 275 00:10:37,920 --> 00:10:41,037 I just want to make a couple of things super clear. Paul. OK? 276 00:10:41,120 --> 00:10:43,037 Number one, you're amazing. 277 00:10:43,120 --> 00:10:45,597 Can I...? Don't you dare doubt that. 278 00:10:45,680 --> 00:10:48,917 OK? Number two, I'm just a guy. I'm just a guy. 279 00:10:49,000 --> 00:10:52,277 Dad... Number three... Shush, Amy. ..the future begins today. 280 00:10:52,360 --> 00:10:54,517 That's true, but... Change is possible. 281 00:10:54,600 --> 00:10:57,277 Number four. Always listen to Paul. 282 00:10:57,360 --> 00:10:59,357 SAM: Dad, Lee's the mentor. 283 00:10:59,440 --> 00:11:00,957 He's mentoring you. 284 00:11:01,040 --> 00:11:04,157 Well... Mm. I mean, no. That... 285 00:11:04,240 --> 00:11:07,117 What? Mm. Yeah. AMY: Yeah. 286 00:11:07,200 --> 00:11:08,957 But you're... How old are you? 287 00:11:09,040 --> 00:11:10,517 I'm 24. 288 00:11:10,600 --> 00:11:12,040 Exactly. So... 289 00:11:15,080 --> 00:11:17,360 I'll check the email. Check the email. 290 00:11:18,440 --> 00:11:22,397 ROBIN: Well, well, well, look who decided to come along after all. 291 00:11:22,480 --> 00:11:24,997 There were a lot of last-minute tickets available, weirdly. 292 00:11:25,080 --> 00:11:27,357 It's just not a cohesive costume, though, is it, Mum? 293 00:11:27,440 --> 00:11:29,797 You've got your cheapo Viking helmet, slung on your furs, 294 00:11:29,880 --> 00:11:31,397 and you're wearing moon boots! 295 00:11:31,480 --> 00:11:33,597 Yeah, what about you? You've got trainers on. 296 00:11:33,680 --> 00:11:35,557 Yeah, and what's with the jar of gherkins? 297 00:11:35,640 --> 00:11:38,437 Is that a Viking thing as well? No, no. No, that's... 298 00:11:38,520 --> 00:11:42,277 I'm just hoping I'll bump into a big orc who can help me open them. 299 00:11:42,360 --> 00:11:44,117 Orcs? 300 00:11:44,200 --> 00:11:46,197 Will there be orcs, Robin? And the rest! 301 00:11:46,280 --> 00:11:47,997 Orcs, pixies, trolls - you name it, babe. 302 00:11:48,080 --> 00:11:50,397 Turns out the Pixies aren't doing Glastonbury this year. 303 00:11:50,480 --> 00:11:51,797 What? Right! Yeah, you see? 304 00:11:51,880 --> 00:11:54,277 This is even better than Glasto. In a way. 305 00:11:54,360 --> 00:11:56,357 Everyone keep an eye out for Lee, all right? 306 00:11:56,440 --> 00:11:58,757 He's going in circles. No, you can't have phones in there, Rach. 307 00:11:58,840 --> 00:12:00,677 No, I know, I know, it's just... It's Sam. 308 00:12:00,760 --> 00:12:03,877 What? What do you mean? He's going in cir... 309 00:12:03,960 --> 00:12:06,357 I put a tracking tile in his bag. 310 00:12:06,440 --> 00:12:08,277 Ah. Rach, you did...? 311 00:12:08,360 --> 00:12:10,837 Ah. I mean, well done, but that's terrible! 312 00:12:10,920 --> 00:12:12,717 Oh, my God, Mum! Does he know? 313 00:12:12,800 --> 00:12:15,117 No, but in my defence, he's only 16, 314 00:12:15,200 --> 00:12:17,357 and he didn't take any of the survival stuff that I got him, 315 00:12:17,440 --> 00:12:19,357 so you know... Fair enough. LEE: Paul! 316 00:12:19,440 --> 00:12:20,877 Oh, hey, Lee. 317 00:12:20,960 --> 00:12:22,757 I love this little dwarf costume. 318 00:12:22,840 --> 00:12:25,397 Oh, no, I'm not a dwarf. I'm just 5'4". 319 00:12:25,480 --> 00:12:27,477 But, no, I am an archer. Yeah! 320 00:12:27,560 --> 00:12:29,437 Yeah, but, er... you said "Lee". Huh? 321 00:12:29,520 --> 00:12:31,797 Don't say Lee - it's Night Claw when I'm here. Oh! Sorry, sorry, sorry. 322 00:12:31,880 --> 00:12:35,277 Yeah, yeah. Er, this is Paul. I'm his mentor. Yep. 323 00:12:35,360 --> 00:12:38,157 Er, everyone, this is Merlin. Merlin is a seer. 324 00:12:38,240 --> 00:12:39,517 Slash LARPing legend. 325 00:12:39,600 --> 00:12:43,717 Ooh! The princess is with child! My child. 326 00:12:43,800 --> 00:12:45,277 I am, yeah. 327 00:12:45,360 --> 00:12:47,357 You don't need to be a seer to see that. 328 00:12:47,440 --> 00:12:49,197 She's nine months pregnant. 329 00:12:49,280 --> 00:12:51,637 Merlin takes it very seriously. RACHEL: OK, sorry. 330 00:12:51,720 --> 00:12:53,477 Yes, I do. Quite right. 331 00:12:53,560 --> 00:12:56,037 So where's the undead faction? 332 00:12:56,120 --> 00:12:58,917 They're all over by the bins, learning "the walk". 333 00:12:59,000 --> 00:13:00,917 Oh, there's a walk? Yeah. Great. 334 00:13:01,000 --> 00:13:02,637 SUE: Where do we go, Night Claw? 335 00:13:02,720 --> 00:13:05,437 Humans, elves, go grab yourself a burger, top up on mead. 336 00:13:05,520 --> 00:13:07,077 I'm an elf. Fantastic! Mead hall! 337 00:13:07,160 --> 00:13:10,880 Er, Paul? Yes? Why don't you stick with me? 338 00:13:11,960 --> 00:13:15,317 I am going to make you my squire. 339 00:13:15,400 --> 00:13:17,037 "Squire"? 340 00:13:17,120 --> 00:13:20,317 Yeah. OK. Yeah, the thing is, Lee. Nightwalk... Horse... 341 00:13:20,400 --> 00:13:21,917 Um... Night Claw. 342 00:13:22,000 --> 00:13:23,677 I did want to be an archer. 343 00:13:23,760 --> 00:13:26,157 You know? I was an Olympic archer, I got the bow, 344 00:13:26,240 --> 00:13:28,157 and I was thinking, for a name... 345 00:13:28,240 --> 00:13:30,320 Yeah... Arrow Man! Er, Squire Paul? Yes? 346 00:13:31,760 --> 00:13:34,200 Fill my horn. Yes, my liege. 347 00:13:35,200 --> 00:13:37,317 What with? Mead. Mead? 348 00:13:37,400 --> 00:13:39,197 No phones inside. Put it away. 349 00:13:39,280 --> 00:13:41,957 I did tell her, Night Claw. I'm sorry. Sorry. 350 00:13:42,040 --> 00:13:43,597 Oh, look. There they are. 351 00:13:43,680 --> 00:13:45,397 It's quite a good walk, actually, innit? 352 00:13:45,480 --> 00:13:47,357 You're on the high street alone. Mm-hm. 353 00:13:47,440 --> 00:13:48,917 A ten-year-old girl comes up to you, 354 00:13:49,000 --> 00:13:51,957 tells you she's being followed by a man with a gun. Mm. 355 00:13:52,040 --> 00:13:53,957 What do you do? Um... 356 00:13:54,040 --> 00:13:55,757 Tail the suspect. 357 00:13:55,840 --> 00:13:58,080 Um, search for, um... 358 00:13:59,080 --> 00:14:00,677 ...small firearms weapons. 359 00:14:00,760 --> 00:14:02,877 He's-he's not holding anything. OK, check the... 360 00:14:02,960 --> 00:14:04,957 Check for bulges, then, in his jacket 361 00:14:05,040 --> 00:14:06,717 or in his groin zone. He's moving towards his car now. 362 00:14:06,800 --> 00:14:08,917 OK, well, then I ask him to halt. He's getting away. 363 00:14:09,000 --> 00:14:10,237 Well, in that case... Quickly! 364 00:14:10,320 --> 00:14:11,997 Er, Taser, Taser, Taser! 365 00:14:12,080 --> 00:14:14,437 Call... for... backup! 366 00:14:14,520 --> 00:14:16,597 Call for backup. UNDER BREATH: All right. 367 00:14:16,680 --> 00:14:18,517 We can't Taser people 368 00:14:18,600 --> 00:14:20,877 based on one unverified report 369 00:14:20,960 --> 00:14:22,000 from a child. 370 00:14:23,000 --> 00:14:23,957 All right. 371 00:14:24,040 --> 00:14:27,757 Being a police officer is all about fellowship, hmm? 372 00:14:27,840 --> 00:14:30,157 Do you think Frodo would have gotten the ring to Mount Doom 373 00:14:30,240 --> 00:14:32,837 if it wasn't for the Fellowship? 374 00:14:32,920 --> 00:14:34,837 No way. No... 375 00:14:34,920 --> 00:14:37,077 He'd have barely made it out of the Mines of Moria. 376 00:14:37,160 --> 00:14:38,960 M-Moron. 377 00:14:40,120 --> 00:14:41,440 Have you even read it yet? 378 00:14:43,080 --> 00:14:44,440 Oh, I will. 379 00:14:45,720 --> 00:14:47,717 I will. It's just very long, innit? 380 00:14:47,800 --> 00:14:48,957 RACHEL: Sam, I got you something. 381 00:14:49,040 --> 00:14:50,997 If it's for my D of E, I'm not taking it. Mm. 382 00:14:51,080 --> 00:14:54,357 What is it? It's a survival shovel. It's essential. 383 00:14:54,440 --> 00:14:56,037 "Essential"? What does it even do? 384 00:14:56,120 --> 00:14:57,357 Well, to be honest, I'm not sure, 385 00:14:57,440 --> 00:14:59,957 but it clearly helps you survive, or they wouldn't call it that. 386 00:15:00,040 --> 00:15:02,917 Mum, just please stop doing this, Mum. OK. You've got to trust me. 387 00:15:03,000 --> 00:15:05,037 I do, I do. Well, maybe... DOORBELL 388 00:15:05,120 --> 00:15:07,277 ...just take the survival blanket? 389 00:15:07,360 --> 00:15:08,717 No? 390 00:15:08,800 --> 00:15:10,557 Doorbell, someone! No? 391 00:15:10,640 --> 00:15:12,557 Two minutes, OK, Paul? Yeah, yeah. 392 00:15:12,640 --> 00:15:13,677 AMY: I'll get it. 393 00:15:13,760 --> 00:15:15,477 Oh, hi, Robin. What's...? Heya. 394 00:15:15,560 --> 00:15:18,757 Yeah, I got myself a specialist for Operation Gherkin Escape. 395 00:15:18,840 --> 00:15:21,517 I got him, Sue! He's here! I hope you're hungry! 396 00:15:21,600 --> 00:15:23,597 Oh! RACHEL GIGGLES 397 00:15:23,680 --> 00:15:26,077 Yes! Oh, well done, Robin. Yes! What's going on? 398 00:15:26,160 --> 00:15:28,717 This is Marcin. He's Kay's new boyfriend. 399 00:15:28,800 --> 00:15:30,880 And, crucially, stacked. Yeah. 400 00:15:31,880 --> 00:15:33,317 Where is jar? 401 00:15:33,400 --> 00:15:35,717 Um, it's this one, Martin. 402 00:15:35,800 --> 00:15:36,877 Marcin. 403 00:15:36,960 --> 00:15:38,237 MARCIN GRUNTS 404 00:15:38,320 --> 00:15:39,637 Ooh. Ooh. Ooh... 405 00:15:39,720 --> 00:15:41,397 Yeah. 406 00:15:41,480 --> 00:15:44,157 Are you finished? No! He's gone for another wee. 407 00:15:44,240 --> 00:15:46,997 How's it going, Paul? It's a waste of time, Mum. 408 00:15:47,080 --> 00:15:49,917 He's mainly summarising segments from the Lord of the rings. 409 00:15:50,000 --> 00:15:51,837 He's 24. 410 00:15:51,920 --> 00:15:53,717 I should be mentoring him, really. 411 00:15:53,800 --> 00:15:56,077 It's tight. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah. We know it's tight. 412 00:15:56,160 --> 00:15:58,557 It's tight all right. Can you not just opt out, Paulo? 413 00:15:58,640 --> 00:16:00,717 Bit of the old "Up yours, Delors," no? 414 00:16:00,800 --> 00:16:02,477 PAUL: No. No, I'm being assessed. 415 00:16:02,560 --> 00:16:03,677 He's assessing me. 416 00:16:03,760 --> 00:16:05,637 I need him to give me a good write-up. 417 00:16:05,720 --> 00:16:07,640 MARCIN STRAINS Yeah. 418 00:16:08,840 --> 00:16:11,717 It's too tight. Ah, well, thanks for trying. 419 00:16:11,800 --> 00:16:13,677 Yeah, what a great effort. Fantastic to watch. 420 00:16:13,760 --> 00:16:16,840 Goodbye. Yep, bye. Cheers, Marcin. Bye, Martin. Nice try, mate. 421 00:16:18,000 --> 00:16:20,717 Aww. Well, he seemed nice. 422 00:16:20,800 --> 00:16:23,077 Did he? Don't feel like I got to know him, really. 423 00:16:23,160 --> 00:16:25,637 Wow. RACHEL LAUGHS 424 00:16:25,720 --> 00:16:26,840 Yeah? Why "wow"? 425 00:16:27,920 --> 00:16:29,157 He didn't open it. 426 00:16:29,240 --> 00:16:31,037 TOILET FLUSHES Mm... 427 00:16:31,120 --> 00:16:33,397 Righty-o, then, Paul. Shall we...? 428 00:16:33,480 --> 00:16:34,597 Ooh! Sir Winalot? 429 00:16:34,680 --> 00:16:37,597 Er... Er... Night Claw?! ROBIN LAUGHS 430 00:16:37,680 --> 00:16:39,437 I didn't recognise you without the black cape. 431 00:16:39,520 --> 00:16:40,877 Oh, well met, cousin. Brother! 432 00:16:40,960 --> 00:16:42,717 THEY LAUGH 433 00:16:42,800 --> 00:16:44,917 You two know each other? Yeah, of course. 434 00:16:45,000 --> 00:16:46,237 Everyone knows Sir Winalot. 435 00:16:46,320 --> 00:16:48,077 He is the bloodiest blade in the Three Kingdoms. 436 00:16:48,160 --> 00:16:49,157 Indeed I am, yes. 437 00:16:49,240 --> 00:16:51,397 We've rubbed scabbards at quite a few LARP festivals now. 438 00:16:51,480 --> 00:16:53,157 You're hitting Kempston Wood this weekend, or...? 439 00:16:53,240 --> 00:16:55,717 Don't be a knave. Bought a new drinking horn, especially. Yeah! 440 00:16:55,800 --> 00:16:57,677 I'm helping organise it. Oh, that is lit! 441 00:16:57,760 --> 00:16:59,317 What's your real name, sorry, Night Claw? 442 00:16:59,400 --> 00:17:00,637 Er, Lee Smithard. Robin Hankey. 443 00:17:00,720 --> 00:17:04,237 The LARP quest thing is at Kempston Wood? It is indeed, milady. 444 00:17:04,320 --> 00:17:05,717 Where the kingdom of men 445 00:17:05,800 --> 00:17:08,117 will finally vanquish those forces of darkness. Yeah! 446 00:17:08,200 --> 00:17:09,397 Why do you wear a cape? 447 00:17:09,480 --> 00:17:11,437 Er, great question. So I'm a scout, 448 00:17:11,520 --> 00:17:13,557 so I patrol the woodland after nightfall, 449 00:17:13,640 --> 00:17:16,477 searching for enemy spies, invaders - that sort of thing. 450 00:17:16,560 --> 00:17:18,437 He found my wallet last time. I did, yeah! 451 00:17:18,520 --> 00:17:20,557 Although that had a GPS tracking tile in it, to be fair. 452 00:17:20,640 --> 00:17:23,077 I would have found it anyway. GPS tile? W-What's that? 453 00:17:23,160 --> 00:17:26,877 So hang on. So hang on. Are you Paul's mentor? 454 00:17:26,960 --> 00:17:27,997 That's right, yeah. 455 00:17:28,080 --> 00:17:29,997 And I've got my work cut out with this one. 456 00:17:30,080 --> 00:17:32,437 ROBIN LAUGHS Oi! 457 00:17:32,520 --> 00:17:33,997 Oh, my God, Paul! 458 00:17:34,080 --> 00:17:36,557 That's what we should do. What? Well, LARPing - 459 00:17:36,640 --> 00:17:39,077 it's taught me so much about teamwork and fellowship. 460 00:17:39,160 --> 00:17:40,637 -Completely. -Oh, no... 461 00:17:40,720 --> 00:17:42,237 Oh, it'll be so good for you. 462 00:17:42,320 --> 00:17:45,197 And actually, as your mentor, I'm going to have to insist. 463 00:17:45,280 --> 00:17:47,797 I completely agree with Lee, Paulo. 464 00:17:47,880 --> 00:17:50,557 Honestly, I was an absolute goon before I started LARPing. 465 00:17:50,640 --> 00:17:53,437 Exactly. Well, yeah, hang on. You can't insist, Lee. All right? 466 00:17:53,520 --> 00:17:55,397 You're my mentor. You're not my dad. What? 467 00:17:55,480 --> 00:17:58,077 And anyway, er... Rachel and I are busy this weekend. Right, Rach? 468 00:17:58,160 --> 00:18:00,477 No, no, we can absolutely go if you want. 469 00:18:00,560 --> 00:18:02,397 I don't want. Well... I don't. Yeah, we can. 470 00:18:02,480 --> 00:18:04,677 And you don't want to go LARPing, do you? Yeah, yeah. Really? 471 00:18:04,760 --> 00:18:07,357 Actually, um, if your boy would film it, 472 00:18:07,440 --> 00:18:09,957 that'd be really handy for me, because I'm trying to put together 473 00:18:10,040 --> 00:18:11,477 an online trailer for the next one. Ooh! 474 00:18:11,560 --> 00:18:13,237 SAM: I can't, sorry. I'll be on my D of E. 475 00:18:13,320 --> 00:18:14,717 Also in Kempston Woods. 476 00:18:14,800 --> 00:18:17,077 Which is the same reason Mum suddenly wants to come... 477 00:18:17,160 --> 00:18:18,557 No, it's not. ..so she can keep tabs on me. 478 00:18:18,640 --> 00:18:19,677 No, it's not. I've just... 479 00:18:19,760 --> 00:18:21,157 And it won't work. The wood's massive. 480 00:18:21,240 --> 00:18:22,277 I've changed my mind. 481 00:18:22,360 --> 00:18:25,197 It sounds like an educational and imaginative wonderland. 482 00:18:25,280 --> 00:18:26,717 Yeah, and I can film it, Night Claw. 483 00:18:26,800 --> 00:18:28,877 If, you know, Sam lends me the camera. 484 00:18:28,960 --> 00:18:30,557 Er... yeah. Go on, then. 485 00:18:30,640 --> 00:18:32,557 I was only going to take my GoPro for D of E anyway. 486 00:18:32,640 --> 00:18:36,277 -Yes! Let's go, Team LARP! Ho-ho! -No, really?! 487 00:18:36,360 --> 00:18:38,237 Oh, how exciting! 488 00:18:38,320 --> 00:18:41,197 I'm going to go as Priscilla Presley. Ahh! 489 00:18:41,280 --> 00:18:42,877 It's got nothing to do with Elvis, Mum! 490 00:18:42,960 --> 00:18:45,157 -She hasn't understood it. -Oh. 491 00:18:45,240 --> 00:18:47,157 SAM: This is definitely the wrong way. 492 00:18:47,240 --> 00:18:48,560 SHEEP BLEAT 493 00:18:50,760 --> 00:18:54,117 Er, which way is it? There's sheep. 494 00:18:54,200 --> 00:18:55,637 Are they meant to be sheep? 495 00:18:55,720 --> 00:18:56,957 Yeah, I don't know. 496 00:18:57,040 --> 00:18:59,037 Oi! Argh! Oof! 497 00:18:59,120 --> 00:19:00,597 THEY PANT 498 00:19:00,680 --> 00:19:02,360 Argh! Argh! 499 00:19:03,480 --> 00:19:04,920 ROBIN: Love that dancing. 500 00:19:07,200 --> 00:19:08,157 Rach, no phones. 501 00:19:08,240 --> 00:19:10,677 Prithee, good elf - a song? 502 00:19:10,760 --> 00:19:13,237 ♪ Mooore... ♪ No, go away. 503 00:19:13,320 --> 00:19:15,437 Squire Paul, fetch my mead. 504 00:19:15,520 --> 00:19:16,680 Yes, my liege. Coming! 505 00:19:18,440 --> 00:19:21,157 Oh, spill it not on the floor, dwarf! 506 00:19:21,240 --> 00:19:24,717 I'm sorry. It's just your drinking horn's very tall and thin. 507 00:19:24,800 --> 00:19:26,277 Well, don't blame the horn. 508 00:19:26,360 --> 00:19:29,797 Hey, Cherry, you all right. Bored. How was the undead bit? 509 00:19:29,880 --> 00:19:34,077 It's, er... It was pretty dead, ironically. Yeah? 510 00:19:34,160 --> 00:19:37,877 Yeah, well, stay with us in the medieval bit. Ah! 511 00:19:37,960 --> 00:19:41,037 Good here, right, babe? Well, the toilets were a bit too medieval, 512 00:19:41,120 --> 00:19:43,037 but the music slaps, yeah. Mega slaps. 513 00:19:43,120 --> 00:19:44,437 Oh, wow. Look at Granny. 514 00:19:44,520 --> 00:19:46,437 It really is like the sword in the stone. 515 00:19:46,520 --> 00:19:49,677 Oh, come on, one of you must be able to open it, surely? 516 00:19:49,760 --> 00:19:51,557 Come forth, the next knight. 517 00:19:51,640 --> 00:19:52,997 Oh, ridiculous. Ha! 518 00:19:53,080 --> 00:19:55,517 He's gone absolutely power mad. Who, Night Claw? 519 00:19:55,600 --> 00:19:58,637 Lee. His name's Lee. He's taking the absolute mick, mate. 520 00:19:58,720 --> 00:20:01,917 How come? He's getting drunk and ordering me about, the prat. Whoa. 521 00:20:02,000 --> 00:20:03,877 And who drinks out of a horn? Ridiculous! 522 00:20:03,960 --> 00:20:05,517 WHINING: I can't put it down anywhere. 523 00:20:05,600 --> 00:20:07,957 Oh, and here come the orcs, look. ROARING 524 00:20:08,040 --> 00:20:10,357 Night Claw! Orc attack! 525 00:20:10,440 --> 00:20:12,677 "ORCS" SNARL AND GROWL 526 00:20:12,760 --> 00:20:14,717 Yes, men of the West! 527 00:20:14,800 --> 00:20:16,837 And... and women of the West. 528 00:20:16,920 --> 00:20:19,317 Die! Suck on that, sunshine. 529 00:20:19,400 --> 00:20:21,517 I'm so glad you're not one of them orcs, Robin. 530 00:20:21,600 --> 00:20:23,357 I won't lie, babe. I was an orc in my 20s. 531 00:20:23,440 --> 00:20:25,757 I went through a orc phase. You remember that, Paulo? 532 00:20:25,840 --> 00:20:27,437 Big time. Yeah. 533 00:20:27,520 --> 00:20:29,437 Whoa! Yes! 534 00:20:29,520 --> 00:20:32,997 Oh, Rach, seriously, put it away. I think he's in trouble. 535 00:20:33,080 --> 00:20:36,157 What? Sam. Really? He hasn't moved for an hour. 536 00:20:36,240 --> 00:20:37,797 AMY: You mean the tracker hasn't? Mm-hm. 537 00:20:37,880 --> 00:20:40,317 Yeah, they're probably just having a nap, Rachel. Stop spying on him. 538 00:20:40,400 --> 00:20:43,437 No, he's inside a house. Is he? What? Really? Let me see. 539 00:20:43,520 --> 00:20:45,357 What? 540 00:20:45,440 --> 00:20:47,037 Oh. There, look. Oh, yeah. 541 00:20:47,120 --> 00:20:48,477 No, that is quite creepy, 542 00:20:48,560 --> 00:20:50,837 because that's, like, the only house in the whole forest. 543 00:20:50,920 --> 00:20:52,757 I'm sure it's fine. Are you? Why? 544 00:20:52,840 --> 00:20:55,317 If Hansel and Gretel had a tracking tile on them, 545 00:20:55,400 --> 00:20:56,637 that's exactly what you'd see. 546 00:20:56,720 --> 00:21:00,517 Oh, my God! They've been abducted! I bloody knew it! 547 00:21:00,600 --> 00:21:03,397 A psychopath has probably got them in his dungeon. Yeah. 548 00:21:03,480 --> 00:21:06,117 Oh. I seriously doubt he's got a dungeon, Rach. 549 00:21:06,200 --> 00:21:08,997 What sorcery is this? Oh, my God. Take a day off, mate. 550 00:21:09,080 --> 00:21:10,677 Squire Paul! Oh... 551 00:21:10,760 --> 00:21:12,917 Why has your wench still got her phone on her? 552 00:21:13,000 --> 00:21:15,317 Wench? Does he mean me? Well, I did tell her. 553 00:21:15,400 --> 00:21:17,317 Right, you need to turn it off. No... 554 00:21:17,400 --> 00:21:19,357 So turn... it... off! Oi! Whoa, hey... 555 00:21:19,440 --> 00:21:21,837 Piss off, Lee! Whoa! Oh, my God. 556 00:21:21,920 --> 00:21:23,597 Don't tell my mentor to piss off, Rach. 557 00:21:23,680 --> 00:21:27,237 My son is in a house in these woods, possibly trapped. 558 00:21:27,320 --> 00:21:28,837 And I don't mean in a make-believe, 559 00:21:28,920 --> 00:21:31,197 "Oh, let's buy costumes off eBay because we hate our jobs" 560 00:21:31,280 --> 00:21:36,237 kind of way. This is real. Our REAL son is in REAL danger. 561 00:21:36,320 --> 00:21:39,357 So I don't have to listen to your nerdy little rules 562 00:21:39,440 --> 00:21:42,157 or-or use your nerdy little names. 563 00:21:42,240 --> 00:21:43,757 Either do something to help us 564 00:21:43,840 --> 00:21:47,437 or get back to your am-dram olde-worlde bullshit! 565 00:21:47,520 --> 00:21:48,560 Ugh... 566 00:21:49,920 --> 00:21:52,120 MERLIN CLEAR HIS THROAT Oh, Rach... 567 00:21:53,800 --> 00:21:56,117 He's in these woods? Yes, three miles away. 568 00:21:56,200 --> 00:21:58,117 And you said he's in trouble? I think so. 569 00:21:58,200 --> 00:22:00,320 We don't know that. Could be. 570 00:22:02,280 --> 00:22:04,277 Men of the West! 571 00:22:04,360 --> 00:22:05,757 SUE: Oh! 572 00:22:05,840 --> 00:22:07,877 Prepare a rescue party! 573 00:22:07,960 --> 00:22:09,077 ALL: Yeah! Love it! 574 00:22:09,160 --> 00:22:10,117 Whoa, really? 575 00:22:10,200 --> 00:22:13,877 One of our number is being held captive some three miles hence! 576 00:22:13,960 --> 00:22:15,877 Er, might be captive. Probably not captive. 577 00:22:15,960 --> 00:22:18,317 But Night Claw, our permit from the council says 578 00:22:18,400 --> 00:22:20,557 that we must stay within the festival compound. 579 00:22:20,640 --> 00:22:23,317 Well, sod the council, obviously. Aye! 580 00:22:23,400 --> 00:22:27,477 Who amongst you will ride out with me? 581 00:22:27,560 --> 00:22:30,917 LARPERS CHEER "Ride out"? As in...? 582 00:22:31,000 --> 00:22:33,077 Running off? OK. Yeah. 583 00:22:33,160 --> 00:22:35,077 Come on, let's go. What? Really? 584 00:22:35,160 --> 00:22:37,397 Can't we just stay here and drink mead? 585 00:22:37,480 --> 00:22:39,597 Oh, no! No! It's... ROBIN: What? What? 586 00:22:39,680 --> 00:22:41,757 It's this way! It's this way! 587 00:22:41,840 --> 00:22:44,197 LARPERS CHEER This way, my lord. 588 00:22:44,280 --> 00:22:45,957 Yes! Follow the girl! 589 00:22:46,040 --> 00:22:47,117 ROBIN: Whoo! 590 00:22:47,200 --> 00:22:48,800 ORC: Oh, yeah! 591 00:22:50,160 --> 00:22:51,357 Babe, you coming? 592 00:22:51,440 --> 00:22:53,317 I'm not running three miles, Robin. 593 00:22:53,400 --> 00:22:55,117 I don't care how abducted Sam is. 594 00:22:55,200 --> 00:22:57,557 We could follow in my Skoda Enyaq! 595 00:22:57,640 --> 00:23:00,557 Oh, good idea, Merlin. I'll just get my gherkins. 596 00:23:00,640 --> 00:23:02,317 Hey-hey! I'll meet you there. 597 00:23:02,400 --> 00:23:05,237 LARPERS CHEER AND SHOUT LEE: On to glory! 598 00:23:05,320 --> 00:23:07,997 Whoo! You can slow down a bit. 599 00:23:08,080 --> 00:23:10,077 THEY PANT 600 00:23:10,160 --> 00:23:12,517 Oh, my God. Oh, my... Whoa. 601 00:23:12,600 --> 00:23:15,157 Ah, there it is. Oh. 602 00:23:15,240 --> 00:23:17,117 Oh... oh, God. AMY: What? 603 00:23:17,200 --> 00:23:18,837 That's definitely got a dungeon in there. Mm. 604 00:23:18,920 --> 00:23:20,397 Squire Paul? My mead. 605 00:23:20,480 --> 00:23:21,640 Yes, my liege. Yeah... 606 00:23:23,960 --> 00:23:26,117 You shouldn't be filling it up from a plastic bottle. 607 00:23:26,200 --> 00:23:28,277 Well, what am I supposed to transport the mead in, eh? 608 00:23:28,360 --> 00:23:29,677 An even bigger horn? 609 00:23:29,760 --> 00:23:31,437 SUE, SHOUTING: Is he still in there, then, Rachel? 610 00:23:31,520 --> 00:23:32,717 THEY ALL SHUSH HER Mum! 611 00:23:32,800 --> 00:23:34,597 He's not moved for ages. 612 00:23:34,680 --> 00:23:38,477 He's probably tied to a... Something awful. 613 00:23:38,560 --> 00:23:41,237 A chair, probably. He's not. So what's the plan, then? 614 00:23:41,320 --> 00:23:42,517 Right. Right. 615 00:23:42,600 --> 00:23:45,797 We're not going to do anything rash, all right? OK. 616 00:23:45,880 --> 00:23:47,797 We're just going to see if anyone's in and then... 617 00:23:47,880 --> 00:23:48,957 ATTACK! Oh, no! 618 00:23:49,040 --> 00:23:50,197 LARPERS ROAR 619 00:23:50,280 --> 00:23:52,517 Lee! Lee! Lee! 620 00:23:52,600 --> 00:23:55,317 Withdraw! Withdraw! 621 00:23:55,400 --> 00:23:57,117 Stop it! It's not our place... Where are you?! 622 00:23:57,200 --> 00:23:58,597 No, no, stop it! LEE ROARS 623 00:23:58,680 --> 00:24:00,197 Oh! Stop hitting the furniture! 624 00:24:00,280 --> 00:24:01,597 Show your face! 625 00:24:01,680 --> 00:24:03,197 Oh, my... He's lost it. Rarr! 626 00:24:03,280 --> 00:24:05,637 Oh, that's the toilet. There might be someone in there! 627 00:24:05,720 --> 00:24:08,797 Cover me! Oh... 628 00:24:08,880 --> 00:24:10,517 Er, OK, I think he's all right. 629 00:24:10,600 --> 00:24:12,197 FARMER ROARS Oh, God... 630 00:24:12,280 --> 00:24:14,437 Get out of my house! 631 00:24:14,520 --> 00:24:16,237 What the hell are you doing?! 632 00:24:16,320 --> 00:24:17,517 I'm so sorry. 633 00:24:17,600 --> 00:24:20,037 Um... we're his parents. 634 00:24:20,120 --> 00:24:23,157 That one, not the other two. SUE: Yeah, I'm his granny. 635 00:24:23,240 --> 00:24:26,277 Hi, Granny. Hi, Sam. Hi. Hello. Hello, darling. Hi, Sam. 636 00:24:26,360 --> 00:24:29,597 BOY: Hi, Mr and Mrs Jessop. Aw, hi, Kai. Hi, Ryan. 637 00:24:29,680 --> 00:24:32,077 We were worried about them, you see? Yeah. Yeah. 638 00:24:32,160 --> 00:24:33,757 He's on his D of E. 639 00:24:33,840 --> 00:24:35,157 Meant to be. 640 00:24:35,240 --> 00:24:36,917 Why are you dressed as a dwarf? 641 00:24:37,000 --> 00:24:38,517 I'm not. Oh, my God! 642 00:24:38,600 --> 00:24:39,837 I am not a dwarf. 643 00:24:39,920 --> 00:24:41,437 I am a human! A short human. 644 00:24:41,520 --> 00:24:44,677 A short human but, nevertheless, I'm an archer! 645 00:24:44,760 --> 00:24:46,477 We're undead. Wizard. 646 00:24:46,560 --> 00:24:48,477 Yeah, we're a LARPing festival down the road. 647 00:24:48,560 --> 00:24:52,917 You can dress up as historical or fantasy characters. Yeah. Yeah. 648 00:24:53,000 --> 00:24:54,077 What? 649 00:24:54,160 --> 00:24:55,517 Why? 650 00:24:55,600 --> 00:24:57,637 Well, you know, nerds gonna nerd. 651 00:24:57,720 --> 00:25:01,117 More to the point, why is our son in your house? Yeah. 652 00:25:01,200 --> 00:25:04,077 He's meant to be hiking to a campsite. 653 00:25:04,160 --> 00:25:06,957 They got lost. Found them bothering the sheep. 654 00:25:07,040 --> 00:25:08,477 Huh. 655 00:25:08,560 --> 00:25:10,637 I was going to give him a lift once they'd eaten something. 656 00:25:10,720 --> 00:25:13,637 Well, I hardly think that's what the Duke of Edinburgh intended 657 00:25:13,720 --> 00:25:15,837 when he established the award. 658 00:25:15,920 --> 00:25:18,237 Well, I think it's OK. I don't think he's going to find out now, is he? 659 00:25:18,320 --> 00:25:21,157 No. No, not now, no. He's dead. Well, yeah, but... I mean... 660 00:25:21,240 --> 00:25:22,597 Well, yeah, er... um... 661 00:25:22,680 --> 00:25:25,717 Well, and, actually, thank you for feeding them. Um... 662 00:25:25,800 --> 00:25:28,437 And sorry for barging into your house like this. So sorry. 663 00:25:28,520 --> 00:25:31,797 SAM: Mum... Mm? ..how did you know I was here? 664 00:25:31,880 --> 00:25:35,520 That's a fair question. How did I know you were here? Rach? 665 00:25:37,600 --> 00:25:39,757 I put a tracking tile in your bag. 666 00:25:39,840 --> 00:25:41,317 What? I did, yeah. 667 00:25:41,400 --> 00:25:43,757 Because you wouldn't take the first-aid kit 668 00:25:43,840 --> 00:25:45,117 or the survival shovel, 669 00:25:45,200 --> 00:25:48,477 so, you know... No, it's because you're a lunatic. 670 00:25:48,560 --> 00:25:51,237 Well, a combination of the two, maybe, but... 671 00:25:51,320 --> 00:25:52,677 OK. Don't. 672 00:25:52,760 --> 00:25:55,597 LEE MOANS 673 00:25:55,680 --> 00:25:56,957 PAUL CHUCKLES 674 00:25:57,040 --> 00:25:58,877 Yeah... Mm. 675 00:25:58,960 --> 00:26:00,437 I'll get him out of here. 676 00:26:00,520 --> 00:26:02,400 I am sorry, Sam. 677 00:26:03,640 --> 00:26:04,837 I really am. 678 00:26:04,920 --> 00:26:06,917 I'm 16 now. Yeah. 679 00:26:07,000 --> 00:26:09,397 You've got to trust me. No, I know. 680 00:26:09,480 --> 00:26:11,557 I mean, obviously to me you're still only about nine, 681 00:26:11,640 --> 00:26:15,997 but I-I will try in future, I promise. 682 00:26:16,080 --> 00:26:22,437 So does that mean me, Ryan and Kai can go to Corfu this summer? 683 00:26:22,520 --> 00:26:24,837 KAI AND RYAN GUFFAW I'm flying! 684 00:26:24,920 --> 00:26:26,917 Fu... 685 00:26:27,000 --> 00:26:28,637 No, of course not. OK. 686 00:26:28,720 --> 00:26:31,397 Sam? Hmm? Where's this campsite, then? 687 00:26:31,480 --> 00:26:35,997 Er, it's about eight miles that way. I think. Why? 688 00:26:36,080 --> 00:26:37,517 I loved D of E back in the day. 689 00:26:37,600 --> 00:26:41,157 Look, we'll take you there. Wait, what? In your car? 690 00:26:41,240 --> 00:26:44,037 No, we'll hike it. I'm absolutely jacked after that. 691 00:26:44,120 --> 00:26:45,837 I need to burn off the adrenaline. 692 00:26:45,920 --> 00:26:48,080 Oh, I'm so happy that you booked this. 693 00:26:49,800 --> 00:26:51,677 LEE: I think I just drank too much mead. 694 00:26:51,760 --> 00:26:53,557 PAUL: I know, I know. 695 00:26:53,640 --> 00:26:56,277 That stuff's so sweet, you forget it's alcoholic. Yeah. 696 00:26:56,360 --> 00:26:57,637 It's the original alcopop. 697 00:26:57,720 --> 00:27:00,077 I should have just listened to you, Paul. 698 00:27:00,160 --> 00:27:02,997 Yes, you should. Yes, you should. 699 00:27:03,080 --> 00:27:06,317 You shouldn't make quick decisions by yourself. 700 00:27:06,400 --> 00:27:08,040 Always call for backup. 701 00:27:09,120 --> 00:27:11,440 A very promising young police officer taught me that. 702 00:27:12,800 --> 00:27:14,517 You. 703 00:27:14,600 --> 00:27:16,037 Oh, God! 704 00:27:16,120 --> 00:27:17,837 ROBIN: Aww. 705 00:27:17,920 --> 00:27:19,397 It's OK. 706 00:27:19,480 --> 00:27:21,717 SUE: Robin? Yo? Robin. Yo? 707 00:27:21,800 --> 00:27:24,717 Have you seen my gherks? Oh, did you leave them inside? 708 00:27:24,800 --> 00:27:27,157 Oh, yeah, I think I did. The kitchen! 709 00:27:27,240 --> 00:27:31,637 Sorry. Excuse me. Hmm? But have you seen my gherkins? My jar of... 710 00:27:31,720 --> 00:27:32,877 What? THEY GASP 711 00:27:32,960 --> 00:27:34,677 No way. 712 00:27:34,760 --> 00:27:37,800 Behold - the chosen one! 713 00:27:39,520 --> 00:27:41,677 Can you get out of my house, please? Yeah, yeah. I'm sorry. 714 00:27:41,760 --> 00:27:43,397 CHERRY: Robin! Yo? 715 00:27:43,480 --> 00:27:45,037 It's happening. "It"? It's happening. 716 00:27:45,120 --> 00:27:46,677 It's, er... What, as in...? 717 00:27:46,760 --> 00:27:49,957 GROWLING: It's happening! Oh, God! Oh, my God! 718 00:27:50,040 --> 00:27:51,397 OK, I'm on it! 719 00:27:51,480 --> 00:27:53,877 Um, is anyone here a doctor?! 720 00:27:53,960 --> 00:27:56,197 What? Why? 721 00:27:56,280 --> 00:27:58,997 GRAVELLY VOICE: Yes, I'm a doctor. 722 00:27:59,080 --> 00:28:01,237 Er... But an orc doctor 723 00:28:01,320 --> 00:28:02,957 or a real doctor? 724 00:28:03,040 --> 00:28:05,277 WELL-SPOKEN: Well, I'm a consultant orthopaedic surgeon 725 00:28:05,360 --> 00:28:08,117 at Milton Keynes University Hospital. Are you?! 726 00:28:08,200 --> 00:28:09,477 Oh, wow, I wasn't expecting that. 727 00:28:09,560 --> 00:28:11,477 Come on, quick! Oh, right! My wife's about to give birth! 728 00:28:11,560 --> 00:28:12,717 Oh, gosh, is she? 729 00:28:12,800 --> 00:28:14,557 Got one, Chez. 730 00:28:14,640 --> 00:28:17,597 No, not an orc! Don't worry, I'm going to look after you. 731 00:28:17,680 --> 00:28:19,757 Everything's going to be tickety boo. 732 00:28:19,840 --> 00:28:21,157 Can you take the face off, please? 733 00:28:21,240 --> 00:28:24,997 Because I do not want my baby being delivered by an orc. 734 00:28:25,080 --> 00:28:26,277 Yeah, mask off, brother. 735 00:28:26,360 --> 00:28:30,357 Of course, of course. Ha-ha! By the way, I'm Sebastian. 736 00:28:30,440 --> 00:28:33,157 Ha-hey, we're having a baby! Whoo! 737 00:28:33,240 --> 00:28:35,637 Do you want me to film the birth, babe, or...? No! OK. 738 00:28:35,720 --> 00:28:38,760 MEDIEVAL MUSIC PLAYS