"Here We Go" Granny's Uno Hustle

1 00:00:04,200 --> 00:00:05,880 Of course I can't make you a cortado. 2 00:00:07,160 --> 00:00:08,880 Well done, Robin. 3 00:00:10,440 --> 00:00:12,480 That's on the cusp of going off. 4 00:00:14,080 --> 00:00:16,117 Come on, Mum, Ethel's going to be here any minute. 5 00:00:16,200 --> 00:00:18,117 So, Mum, the code is one cry, 6 00:00:18,200 --> 00:00:21,197 "Waarg!" -yeah, is green. 7 00:00:21,280 --> 00:00:23,597 Two cries, "Waargh, waargh!" -is red. 8 00:00:23,680 --> 00:00:25,917 Three cries, "Waargh, waargh, waargh...!" 9 00:00:26,000 --> 00:00:28,157 We know what the cries sound like, you don't need to keep doing them. 10 00:00:28,240 --> 00:00:30,277 ...is yellow. And four cries... Oh, my God. 11 00:00:30,360 --> 00:00:33,477 "Waargh, waargh, waargh, waargh...!" 12 00:00:33,560 --> 00:00:38,317 All right. I've got tinnitus... is blue. OK? So the code is one, green, 13 00:00:38,400 --> 00:00:40,837 two, red, three, yellow, four, blue. You got that? 14 00:00:40,920 --> 00:00:41,917 We've all got that. 15 00:00:42,000 --> 00:00:44,637 Just, I'm very bad at learning codes is all. 16 00:00:44,720 --> 00:00:48,437 That's why I had to change me PIN to 1111. 17 00:00:48,520 --> 00:00:50,197 Yeah, stop telling people that, Mum. Good to know. 18 00:00:50,280 --> 00:00:54,717 As a rule, do not say any anecdotes that involve you revealing your PIN! 19 00:00:54,800 --> 00:00:56,437 All right, keep your wig on! 20 00:00:56,520 --> 00:00:58,717 And if you're still not sure, or you can't hear anything, 21 00:00:58,800 --> 00:01:01,837 just say, "Is the baby all right?" and I'll do it again. 22 00:01:01,920 --> 00:01:04,037 Is the baby all right? And I'll do it again. 23 00:01:04,120 --> 00:01:06,397 No, I mean, where is the baby? No, yeah, 24 00:01:06,480 --> 00:01:09,477 he's upstairs in his hush-a-bye snoozy baby sleep pod. 25 00:01:09,560 --> 00:01:11,077 What, sleeping? Well, I hope so, 26 00:01:11,160 --> 00:01:13,437 yeah, that is what it's for. Yeah, OK, and, Mum, 27 00:01:13,520 --> 00:01:16,757 Mum, it's really important that you keep a poker face. 28 00:01:16,840 --> 00:01:19,997 Well, UNO face. Exactly. What's an UNO face? 29 00:01:20,080 --> 00:01:22,437 Just don't move your face at all when you're playing, 30 00:01:22,520 --> 00:01:25,837 Sue, so just... Like this. What, like that? Like that. That's fine. 31 00:01:25,920 --> 00:01:28,277 That's good. CHERRY: I've actually got a Botox cream in my bag 32 00:01:28,360 --> 00:01:31,157 that'll do that for you. Well, I think it's probably worth a go. 33 00:01:31,240 --> 00:01:33,557 Mm. It does burn a bit, though, so... 34 00:01:33,640 --> 00:01:36,997 I mean, it really burns. Even so... No, it really burns. 35 00:01:37,080 --> 00:01:39,837 Do not use it on your scrotum, Sue, trust me. 36 00:01:39,920 --> 00:01:42,557 Well, no, I won't. Well, I can't. Yeah. Yeah, fair point. 37 00:01:42,640 --> 00:01:44,237 Why did he put it on his scrotum, Robin? 38 00:01:44,320 --> 00:01:46,997 Well, because it claimed to be anti-wrinkle, didn't it, babe? 39 00:01:47,080 --> 00:01:48,397 So I thought I'd give it a proper challenge. 40 00:01:48,480 --> 00:01:51,597 And it failed. Right. Badly. So did I, in a way. 41 00:01:51,680 --> 00:01:54,917 My God! Well, she won't need any creams. 42 00:01:55,000 --> 00:01:57,317 Just relax, Sue, you know, try to enjoy it, 43 00:01:57,400 --> 00:02:01,277 it might be fun. Fun? Of course it won't! 44 00:02:01,360 --> 00:02:03,957 I mean, I'd feel like I'm on the James Bond show! 45 00:02:04,040 --> 00:02:07,117 On the...? They're films, Mum, they're films, famously. 46 00:02:07,200 --> 00:02:08,637 DOORBELL RINGS 47 00:02:08,720 --> 00:02:10,277 Oh, gosh. There she is. 48 00:02:10,360 --> 00:02:12,597 OK, here we go. Down it, down it, down it! Go easy on the sherry, Mum! 49 00:02:12,680 --> 00:02:16,037 They're tiny glasses, mate, grow up. 50 00:02:16,120 --> 00:02:17,717 SAM: It's all right, it's not Ethel, 51 00:02:17,800 --> 00:02:21,677 it's just Amy and her trophy. OK. 52 00:02:21,760 --> 00:02:23,317 Is everything all right? 53 00:02:23,400 --> 00:02:26,917 This is his dummy here, Sue. Just stick that in his gob 54 00:02:27,000 --> 00:02:29,357 if he gets, like, hungry or annoying or whatever. 55 00:02:29,440 --> 00:02:35,477 Yeah. This is his sensory baby activity sheet. 56 00:02:35,560 --> 00:02:38,197 It's just tinfoil, isn't it? What? It better not be. 57 00:02:38,280 --> 00:02:39,717 That cost me 25 quid. Is it? 58 00:02:39,800 --> 00:02:41,397 This is his monkey here, look. 59 00:02:41,480 --> 00:02:43,517 FRENCH ACCENT: Hey, Madame Coconut. 60 00:02:43,600 --> 00:02:46,117 She has a French accent and loves cheese when I do her. 61 00:02:46,200 --> 00:02:47,397 If you want to do that, or... no? 62 00:02:47,480 --> 00:02:50,717 I'll just sing to him, cos that's what I did last time. 63 00:02:50,800 --> 00:02:52,837 Well, you can go outside if you do that, Mum, I can't be listening 64 00:02:52,920 --> 00:02:56,197 to you singing Wind the Bobbin Up for five hours again. 65 00:02:56,280 --> 00:02:59,677 I love that tune. This is his baby monitor here, look. Muslins. 66 00:02:59,760 --> 00:03:00,757 Keep an eye on him. 67 00:03:00,840 --> 00:03:04,317 You will be back from the gym by three, won't you? 68 00:03:04,400 --> 00:03:07,637 Because I'm going to Mecca later. Oh, not again. 69 00:03:07,720 --> 00:03:11,717 Really? Well, I go with Bren every Tuesday afternoon! 70 00:03:11,800 --> 00:03:13,997 CHERRY: To Mecca? Yeah. Wow! That's... 71 00:03:14,080 --> 00:03:17,357 No, she's talking about Mecca Bingo in Bedford. 72 00:03:17,440 --> 00:03:19,477 Oh. Yeah, I'm sorry, the bingo. SHE LAUGHS 73 00:03:19,560 --> 00:03:21,957 Not the religious hot spot. 74 00:03:22,040 --> 00:03:23,517 That's a lot closer, yeah. 75 00:03:23,600 --> 00:03:26,077 She doesn't do a weekly haj, as far as I know. 76 00:03:26,160 --> 00:03:27,357 She may as well. 77 00:03:27,440 --> 00:03:28,477 She could have gone to Mecca 78 00:03:28,560 --> 00:03:30,757 several times with the money she's lost playing bingo. 79 00:03:30,840 --> 00:03:34,717 Oh, don't be so daft! Gambling is very serious, 80 00:03:34,800 --> 00:03:37,717 Mum, isn't it, Rach? Rachel? Yes? As a counsellor, 81 00:03:37,800 --> 00:03:40,077 can you please say something? Yeah. Just empty it. 82 00:03:40,160 --> 00:03:43,197 Don't just squash it down. But here's loads of space. 83 00:03:43,280 --> 00:03:44,277 This is why we get bin juice, 84 00:03:44,360 --> 00:03:46,837 because you squeeze rubbish like a cider press! 85 00:03:46,920 --> 00:03:48,237 There's more space than you think! 86 00:03:48,320 --> 00:03:50,677 Just empty it! Why won't you just empty it? You'll wake Atlas! 87 00:03:50,760 --> 00:03:52,757 I'll pop him in the garden for you, 88 00:03:52,840 --> 00:03:54,957 Cheryl. Oh, sorry, just before you do, 89 00:03:55,040 --> 00:03:57,917 Sue, I've got a little gift for Sam, under the buggy. 90 00:03:58,000 --> 00:04:00,077 Oh, cool. Cheers, Robin. What is it? 91 00:04:00,160 --> 00:04:02,677 It's a Premier League sticker album plus two free packets. 92 00:04:02,760 --> 00:04:04,477 I thought you might want to start collecting, so... 93 00:04:04,560 --> 00:04:06,397 Oh. Oh, my God, you are unbelievable. 94 00:04:06,480 --> 00:04:07,917 DOORBELL RINGS 95 00:04:08,000 --> 00:04:10,117 What do you mean? RACHEL: Doorbell, someone? You're just trying to get 96 00:04:10,200 --> 00:04:13,837 him into the stickers so that you, Dean and Jelson have someone else 97 00:04:13,920 --> 00:04:14,957 to swap with. What? 98 00:04:15,040 --> 00:04:18,197 That's... no. It's just a bit of fun. 99 00:04:18,280 --> 00:04:20,877 No? I'll go. It's an addiction, 100 00:04:20,960 --> 00:04:23,397 Robin, you are a stick-aholic. 101 00:04:23,480 --> 00:04:26,797 Well, no, cos that would mean he's addicted to sticks. 102 00:04:26,880 --> 00:04:28,917 Amy, hi. Is that for washing? 103 00:04:29,000 --> 00:04:31,557 No, it's my towel and clean undies, 104 00:04:31,640 --> 00:04:34,357 I'm for washing. Why can't you do that at home? 105 00:04:34,440 --> 00:04:35,877 Well, because Maya's always accusing 106 00:04:35,960 --> 00:04:38,037 me of staying in and sitting in the bath all day, so... 107 00:04:38,120 --> 00:04:40,037 OK, so you've gone out to sit in the bath all day? 108 00:04:40,120 --> 00:04:41,917 Well, I'm proving her wrong, yes. 109 00:04:42,000 --> 00:04:43,517 Things feeling a bit rocky between you two, are they? 110 00:04:43,600 --> 00:04:46,557 We fell out about what to name our hamster. Hi, everyone. 111 00:04:46,640 --> 00:04:48,717 Hi, Amy. Oh! Go on, what names have you got? 112 00:04:48,800 --> 00:04:50,637 Well, she wants to call it Mrs Biscuit. 113 00:04:50,720 --> 00:04:51,757 RACHEL LAUGHS 114 00:04:51,840 --> 00:04:53,157 I want to call it Sylvia Plath. 115 00:04:53,240 --> 00:04:56,397 Oh. Two very different ideas there. Well, anyway, we can't decide, 116 00:04:56,480 --> 00:04:58,677 so currently it's called The Hamster. 117 00:04:58,760 --> 00:05:00,117 Like Richard Hammond! Oh, yeah. 118 00:05:00,200 --> 00:05:03,117 In fact, that's a great name for a hamster. It's Richard Hammond. 119 00:05:03,200 --> 00:05:06,157 You two need to try couples therapy, trust me. 120 00:05:06,240 --> 00:05:08,557 We worked through tons of stuff on ours, didn't we, babe? 121 00:05:08,640 --> 00:05:11,237 Yeah, I mean, I didn't actually speak during it, but... 122 00:05:11,320 --> 00:05:14,077 What did you do? I just made notes, you know. 123 00:05:14,160 --> 00:05:16,637 You've had couples therapy? Yeah. Why didn't you...? 124 00:05:16,720 --> 00:05:18,677 I could have given you couples therapy. 125 00:05:18,760 --> 00:05:23,477 I would have done it for free. Well, you get what you pay for, don't you? 126 00:05:23,560 --> 00:05:26,037 And ours was with my therapist mate, 127 00:05:26,120 --> 00:05:28,997 Amber, so I felt very safe. God, I didn't. 128 00:05:29,080 --> 00:05:30,357 She tore me several new ones. 129 00:05:30,440 --> 00:05:32,677 I need real-life case studies as well, 130 00:05:32,760 --> 00:05:34,237 so it's a shame. Well, just talk 131 00:05:34,320 --> 00:05:35,797 to Mum about her bingo addiction, then, 132 00:05:35,880 --> 00:05:38,437 like I've been asking you. Yes. No, I will, I will. OK. 133 00:05:38,520 --> 00:05:41,877 Actually, Amy, it's not a bad idea, you know, couples therapy. 134 00:05:41,960 --> 00:05:44,197 You and Maya do argue quite a lot. Yeah. 135 00:05:44,280 --> 00:05:46,757 It's improved Robin loads. 136 00:05:46,840 --> 00:05:49,637 Dream man. No. Apart from the sticker bit, 137 00:05:49,720 --> 00:05:51,397 he hasn't managed to shake that. 138 00:05:51,480 --> 00:05:53,277 Well, no, they're sticky, so... 139 00:05:53,360 --> 00:05:54,957 Sticky. SHE LAUGHS 140 00:05:55,040 --> 00:05:56,877 We might need to go back to Amber, actually. Well, no, no, 141 00:05:56,960 --> 00:05:58,637 come on, babe, we don't need to go back to Amber. 142 00:05:58,720 --> 00:06:00,277 I'll give up the stickers, I promise, I will. 143 00:06:00,360 --> 00:06:01,677 Don't make me go back to Amber, please. 144 00:06:01,760 --> 00:06:04,357 Come in this way, please, Mum. What's all this? 145 00:06:04,440 --> 00:06:07,397 You'll see. Oh, hi, Amy, love! Hi, Granny. 146 00:06:07,480 --> 00:06:09,677 Hello, hello. Rachel wants to speak to you. 147 00:06:09,760 --> 00:06:12,517 RACHEL: Do I? Yeah, she does. What, now? Yes, now. 148 00:06:12,600 --> 00:06:15,317 Oh, God. Oh, OK. OK. Erm, well... 149 00:06:15,400 --> 00:06:18,277 We're really worried about you, Mum... 150 00:06:18,360 --> 00:06:20,757 Well, we're not really worried... about your gambling. 151 00:06:20,840 --> 00:06:22,757 Don't! So we're staging an intervention. No, that's not 152 00:06:22,840 --> 00:06:23,837 what we're doing, we're not. 153 00:06:23,920 --> 00:06:26,277 Please do not intervene on my intervention, Rachel. 154 00:06:26,360 --> 00:06:27,957 This is not how an intervention is done. 155 00:06:28,040 --> 00:06:29,557 I'm so sorry, Sue. 156 00:06:29,640 --> 00:06:32,357 Am I not going to bingo later on? Of course you are, do what you like. 157 00:06:32,440 --> 00:06:34,397 Because I'll need to tell Bren if not. 158 00:06:34,480 --> 00:06:35,917 I'm saying no to bingo. 159 00:06:36,000 --> 00:06:38,677 You can't forbid her from doing something she wants. 160 00:06:38,760 --> 00:06:43,517 No, all it is, Sue, is that we're worried that going to Mecca Bingo 161 00:06:43,600 --> 00:06:45,877 so often isn't that healthy. 162 00:06:45,960 --> 00:06:47,397 I don't eat there! 163 00:06:47,480 --> 00:06:51,037 No, no, not like that. More... You're spaffing my inheritance, Mum. 164 00:06:51,120 --> 00:06:53,157 No. Well, she is. It's nothing to do... 165 00:06:53,240 --> 00:06:58,477 It's gambling. The high from gambling is highly addictive. 166 00:06:58,560 --> 00:07:00,597 And what we're worried about... 167 00:07:00,680 --> 00:07:03,237 I'm up! I've made more than I've lost. 168 00:07:03,320 --> 00:07:06,157 CHERRY: Have you? Really? How much have you made, then? 169 00:07:06,240 --> 00:07:09,877 Erm, about £140. Oh, that's fine, then! 170 00:07:09,960 --> 00:07:13,477 No, it's not fine, it's not fine. That's not the point. 171 00:07:13,560 --> 00:07:15,637 RACHEL: Well, it is slightly the point! Keep going, I reckon, Sue. 172 00:07:15,720 --> 00:07:18,917 CHERRY: You're making money. Things can go very wrong in gambling, 173 00:07:19,000 --> 00:07:21,277 very fast. RACHEL: Well, yeah, but they haven't gone wrong... Rachel. 174 00:07:21,360 --> 00:07:23,997 Well, I know, but... well, OK. But she's doing... 175 00:07:24,080 --> 00:07:27,877 It's a slippery slope. Yeah. It's a super-slippery slope. Mm-hm. 176 00:07:27,960 --> 00:07:29,437 These bingo halls, they do 177 00:07:29,520 --> 00:07:32,917 everything they can to reel you in and clean you out. 178 00:07:33,000 --> 00:07:34,717 And if you're saving up for a round-the-world trip, 179 00:07:34,800 --> 00:07:37,557 Mum, it's a bad idea. CHERRY: A really bad idea. 180 00:07:37,640 --> 00:07:40,877 Right, yes, well... Relax... there is a lady at Mecca called Ethel... 181 00:07:40,960 --> 00:07:41,957 Cool. 182 00:07:42,040 --> 00:07:44,517 ...and she's always inviting me over to play, erm, 183 00:07:44,600 --> 00:07:46,157 what do you call it? UNO. OK. 184 00:07:46,240 --> 00:07:48,637 AMY: Oh, my God, UNO! That's what I was going to... 185 00:07:48,720 --> 00:07:52,437 Well, yeah, great! Stick to UNO! Where's my UNO trophy? 186 00:07:52,520 --> 00:07:55,397 Erm, they're with your dad's archery ones, I think. Why? 187 00:07:55,480 --> 00:07:57,717 Maya doesn't believe I was the under-sevens champion. 188 00:07:57,800 --> 00:08:00,917 Champion? Champion of what? Oh, a county or something. 189 00:08:01,000 --> 00:08:02,757 Oh, look, here we go. ROBIN: County champion? 190 00:08:02,840 --> 00:08:06,237 "Amy, UNO champ. The best girl in Bedford." Cool! 191 00:08:06,320 --> 00:08:09,517 At least! Wow! Did you win a tournament, then, or something? 192 00:08:09,600 --> 00:08:11,997 I guess. Can't remember. It's going in the flat, though, 193 00:08:12,080 --> 00:08:13,517 in front of Maya's trampolining ones. 194 00:08:13,600 --> 00:08:15,917 RACHEL: Well, don't... See how she likes that... apple. 195 00:08:16,000 --> 00:08:20,437 Yeah, Amy... No, no, no, no, no. No. What? What is it? 196 00:08:20,520 --> 00:08:21,837 DOOR SLAMS 197 00:08:21,920 --> 00:08:24,317 CHERRY: Oh, my God. Did you leave the front door open? 198 00:08:24,400 --> 00:08:26,277 Because it does that if the back door's open, too. 199 00:08:26,360 --> 00:08:28,077 You didn't close it either! Well, no, I know that. 200 00:08:28,160 --> 00:08:29,517 ATLAS CRIES 201 00:08:29,600 --> 00:08:31,957 Oh, God! Now look at what you've done, you dipstick! 202 00:08:32,040 --> 00:08:33,197 I'm coming, Atlas! 203 00:08:33,280 --> 00:08:34,557 ♪ Wind the bobbin up, wind the bobbin up... ♪ 204 00:08:34,640 --> 00:08:36,037 Oh, Mum, no, I can't cope with that. 205 00:08:36,120 --> 00:08:37,477 ♪ Pull, pull... ♪ 206 00:08:37,560 --> 00:08:39,717 Sam, can you shut the door, please? 207 00:08:39,800 --> 00:08:41,277 RACHEL: I just got it out my head. 208 00:08:41,360 --> 00:08:43,557 ♪ Wind the bobbin up, wind the bobbin up... ♪ 209 00:08:43,640 --> 00:08:45,597 Oh, my God! 210 00:08:45,680 --> 00:08:49,317 ♪ Pull, pull, clap, clap, clap... ♪ 211 00:08:49,400 --> 00:08:50,637 HE SIGHS 212 00:08:50,720 --> 00:08:51,917 ♪ Wind the bobbin up... ♪ 213 00:08:52,000 --> 00:08:54,637 I can still hear her! 214 00:08:54,720 --> 00:08:57,517 Oh, no, Amy! Oh, dear! 215 00:08:57,600 --> 00:09:00,157 What's going on? Me and Maya broke up. 216 00:09:00,240 --> 00:09:01,557 SHE SNIFFS 217 00:09:01,640 --> 00:09:04,517 "Maya and I." But, yeah, oh, dear, oh, dear. 218 00:09:04,600 --> 00:09:06,637 What's happened this time, babe? Yeah, well, 219 00:09:06,720 --> 00:09:08,517 Mum gave us couples therapy is what happened. 220 00:09:08,600 --> 00:09:10,477 RACHEL: Oh, hang on, that's not why you... 221 00:09:10,560 --> 00:09:12,597 She told Maya we're not compatible. 222 00:09:12,680 --> 00:09:15,477 Well, no, I ask questions. I certainly didn't tell her anything. 223 00:09:15,560 --> 00:09:17,077 And took her side on everything. 224 00:09:17,160 --> 00:09:19,597 Don't blame your mother. Slagging me off, comparing me to Dad. 225 00:09:19,680 --> 00:09:21,877 Well, they're two different things, aren't they? 226 00:09:21,960 --> 00:09:23,277 You're a menace. 227 00:09:23,360 --> 00:09:25,197 You shouldn't be let anywhere near counselling. 228 00:09:25,280 --> 00:09:28,037 SUE: Oh, it'll blow over. 229 00:09:28,120 --> 00:09:31,117 Maya said I'm feckless. Wow, that's bang out of order, that is, innit? 230 00:09:31,200 --> 00:09:33,317 Yeah. Is it? What does that mean? 231 00:09:33,400 --> 00:09:36,037 Well, it's a smushing together of effing and useless, isn't it? 232 00:09:36,120 --> 00:09:38,317 It's not. Is it not? No. I'll tell you what, 233 00:09:38,400 --> 00:09:40,557 I'll Google it, hang on. SAM: Who's going to keep the hamster? 234 00:09:40,640 --> 00:09:42,317 Who's going to keep the flat, more to the point. 235 00:09:42,400 --> 00:09:44,237 I can't think about that right now. 236 00:09:44,320 --> 00:09:47,317 "Feckless - lacking purpose and strength of character. 237 00:09:47,400 --> 00:09:48,797 "Incompetent." Yeah, I do know this one. 238 00:09:48,880 --> 00:09:50,717 I've been called this before, actually. 239 00:09:50,800 --> 00:09:53,877 Right, you see? You are not feckless, Amy! 240 00:09:53,960 --> 00:09:56,997 No. I mean, you started a band, for one thing. RACHEL: Yeah! Amen. 241 00:09:57,080 --> 00:09:58,957 SUE: I mean, that takes a lot of feck. 242 00:09:59,040 --> 00:10:00,917 RACHEL: And you're certainly not incompetent. 243 00:10:01,000 --> 00:10:02,317 Is this even real? 244 00:10:02,400 --> 00:10:05,197 Did I actually win best girl in Bedford? 245 00:10:05,280 --> 00:10:08,637 I mean, even as I asked that, I realised I definitely didn't. 246 00:10:08,720 --> 00:10:10,637 PAUL: You... You didn't... 247 00:10:10,720 --> 00:10:12,797 ...you didn't get anything at school prize-giving, so... 248 00:10:12,880 --> 00:10:15,997 You gave me a fake trophy? SAM: Oh, my God, that's tragic! 249 00:10:16,080 --> 00:10:18,037 Well, we thought it might cheer you up, you know? 250 00:10:18,120 --> 00:10:19,477 Well, that didn't work, did it, though? 251 00:10:19,560 --> 00:10:21,957 No. Look at me. It worked pretty well at the time, 252 00:10:22,040 --> 00:10:23,677 to be fair. Oh, no, Amy, please... 253 00:10:23,760 --> 00:10:25,037 HE SIGHS 254 00:10:25,120 --> 00:10:27,277 I'll call Maya, I'll try and talk to her. 255 00:10:27,360 --> 00:10:28,917 I think you've done enough, don't you? 256 00:10:29,000 --> 00:10:32,237 Oh, hello. Ethel Ticehurst, here to play UNO. 257 00:10:32,320 --> 00:10:35,877 Yeah. Oh, hello, Ethel. Oh, come in. 258 00:10:35,960 --> 00:10:37,477 SHE LAUGHS 259 00:10:37,560 --> 00:10:38,957 This is my family. Hello. 260 00:10:39,040 --> 00:10:42,077 Ethel Ticehurst. Yeah, you said that. 261 00:10:42,160 --> 00:10:44,597 Oh, can I take your coat, Ethel? No, thank you. 262 00:10:44,680 --> 00:10:47,437 Why is he filming me? Oh, yeah, he will do that. 263 00:10:47,520 --> 00:10:49,757 We can ask him to stop. SAM: And I'll say no, so... 264 00:10:49,840 --> 00:10:51,517 Well, it doesn't matter. 265 00:10:51,600 --> 00:10:53,397 The Government are watching me anyway. 266 00:10:53,480 --> 00:10:56,037 PAUL: Huh? Oh, are they? Why? 267 00:10:56,120 --> 00:10:58,517 They want to know everything I'm up to, don't they? 268 00:10:58,600 --> 00:11:01,717 What are you up to? Nothing. 269 00:11:01,800 --> 00:11:03,397 I'm not sure why they'd be doing that, then. 270 00:11:03,480 --> 00:11:06,477 For control. Right. Hence the "plandemic". 271 00:11:06,560 --> 00:11:08,997 SAM: Ah, she's one of them. So where are we playing, then, 272 00:11:09,080 --> 00:11:12,117 Sue? Oh! Oh, yes. Yes, this way. Go through. This way. 273 00:11:12,200 --> 00:11:13,997 Yeah, there might be 274 00:11:14,080 --> 00:11:19,077 a baby crying now and then on a monitor over there. 275 00:11:19,160 --> 00:11:21,477 Erm, yeah, he's just in the other room, 276 00:11:21,560 --> 00:11:24,037 and he is a very bad sleeper. HE LAUGHS 277 00:11:24,120 --> 00:11:25,117 SAM: OK, Dad. 278 00:11:25,200 --> 00:11:27,917 Would you like a sherry, Ethel? I brought me own, thanks. 279 00:11:28,000 --> 00:11:29,157 Right. 280 00:11:29,240 --> 00:11:32,437 I don't drink from open bottles, in case they've been spiked 281 00:11:32,520 --> 00:11:36,197 with drugs, or poison, or both. 282 00:11:36,280 --> 00:11:38,237 You brought your own glass as well! 283 00:11:38,320 --> 00:11:40,917 And I don't like leaving my DNA, 284 00:11:41,000 --> 00:11:43,517 in case people try to clone me. 285 00:11:43,600 --> 00:11:46,957 Yeah, well, we won't be doing that. Dad, she can't sit there, 286 00:11:47,040 --> 00:11:48,357 that's the wrong chair... 287 00:11:48,440 --> 00:11:51,117 Yeah, sorry, Ethel, yeah, you can't... 288 00:11:51,200 --> 00:11:55,117 This is your chair. Why? Erm, well, 289 00:11:55,200 --> 00:11:57,157 that's my mum's special one - isn't it, Mum? 290 00:11:57,240 --> 00:11:59,637 They're exactly the same! 291 00:11:59,720 --> 00:12:02,597 Oh, yeah, yeah, that's right, sorry. 292 00:12:02,680 --> 00:12:04,677 I love that chair, Ethel. Loves it. 293 00:12:04,760 --> 00:12:06,597 Specifically that one! 294 00:12:06,680 --> 00:12:08,517 THEY CHUCKLE 295 00:12:08,600 --> 00:12:11,077 It's the way it is, innit? Yeah. Chairs. 296 00:12:11,160 --> 00:12:14,397 Relax, Dad. And, erm... 297 00:12:14,480 --> 00:12:16,917 OK. That's set. Good. 298 00:12:17,000 --> 00:12:21,957 Good game, ladies. Dad... I bid you good game. Stop talking, Dad. 299 00:12:22,040 --> 00:12:23,357 Where are the Jammy Dodgers, Mum? 300 00:12:23,440 --> 00:12:26,757 Huh? Oh, I think you ate them. Well, yeah, 301 00:12:26,840 --> 00:12:29,957 but did you buy any more? Oh, no, I must have forgotten, sorry. 302 00:12:30,040 --> 00:12:33,397 Is she coming? It's 1.30. Yeah, I know. 303 00:12:33,480 --> 00:12:36,437 Welcome to my world. She'll be late. She's coming from work. 304 00:12:36,520 --> 00:12:39,357 Oh. Oh, is that for us? Can I have Fanta instead? 305 00:12:39,440 --> 00:12:41,597 That's not the way therapy works, you don't get to choose the drink. 306 00:12:41,680 --> 00:12:45,117 Did you get Fanta, Granny? Oh, no, sorry, love. 307 00:12:45,200 --> 00:12:47,517 Oh! Is everything all right, Mum? Yeah, I just... 308 00:12:47,600 --> 00:12:48,917 KNOCK ON DOOR 309 00:12:49,000 --> 00:12:50,957 Here's Robin and the Merry Men. 310 00:12:51,040 --> 00:12:53,517 I mean, why are all three of them here? 311 00:12:53,600 --> 00:12:56,277 SAM: Oh, God. Hi, guys. Oi, oi. Didn't want to ring 312 00:12:56,360 --> 00:12:58,157 the bell in case the boy wonder was napping. 313 00:12:58,240 --> 00:13:00,197 How's he doing, Sue, all right? Yeah, well, 314 00:13:00,280 --> 00:13:02,517 he downed his bottle, did a poo, and fell asleep. 315 00:13:02,600 --> 00:13:06,237 DEAN: Like father, like son, innit? LAUGHS: Hey! He's pure class. 316 00:13:06,320 --> 00:13:08,077 Sh, the baby. That's fine. 317 00:13:08,160 --> 00:13:09,957 RACHEL: Hi, Robin, and the rest of you. 318 00:13:10,040 --> 00:13:13,237 Not being rude, but why are you all here? Yes. All right, Rachel? 319 00:13:13,320 --> 00:13:15,557 Like the old sexy secretary thing. What? Thank you. 320 00:13:15,640 --> 00:13:17,117 Old-school. 321 00:13:17,200 --> 00:13:19,637 We're not here to hang about, we're just here to, erm... 322 00:13:19,720 --> 00:13:22,797 Come on, then, Sam. What? What do you mean? Let the cat see the flap. 323 00:13:22,880 --> 00:13:25,757 Get your swapsies out, boy. Oh, no, sorry, I haven't been collecting 324 00:13:25,840 --> 00:13:27,877 the stickers. JELSON: What? I thought you gave him an album. 325 00:13:27,960 --> 00:13:29,037 I did, no, I did! 326 00:13:29,120 --> 00:13:31,317 Yeah, that doesn't mean I'm going to spend a fortune filling it in. 327 00:13:31,400 --> 00:13:33,997 I mean... Oh, go on. I've skived off the garden centre for this! 328 00:13:34,080 --> 00:13:35,077 I didn't ask you to do that. 329 00:13:35,160 --> 00:13:36,917 I'm going to get in trouble with Mr Peters! 330 00:13:37,000 --> 00:13:38,717 I can't keep buying packets until I complete the album, lad, 331 00:13:38,800 --> 00:13:40,797 it'll clean me out! Yeah. I've already sold my car. 332 00:13:40,880 --> 00:13:42,757 AMY: Oh, my God, have you? RACHEL: What? 333 00:13:42,840 --> 00:13:44,077 I have, yeah. SAM: I mean, 334 00:13:44,160 --> 00:13:47,237 none of this is my fault. ROBIN: Well... PAUL: I mean, well, 335 00:13:47,320 --> 00:13:49,277 maybe just don't complete the album. Oh, shut up, Paul! 336 00:13:49,360 --> 00:13:50,637 Not an option, not an option. 337 00:13:50,720 --> 00:13:52,597 Have any of your mates at school got them? 338 00:13:52,680 --> 00:13:54,797 I think they've all grown out of that now. RACHEL: Yeah, quite. 339 00:13:54,880 --> 00:13:56,317 Why haven't you three grown out of it? 340 00:13:56,400 --> 00:13:57,757 Oh, that's the thing. You grow out of it, 341 00:13:57,840 --> 00:13:59,437 and then eventually you grow back into it. 342 00:13:59,520 --> 00:14:01,677 And what about Cherry? You told her you were stopping. 343 00:14:01,760 --> 00:14:04,037 I will stop once I've completed the album. 344 00:14:04,120 --> 00:14:05,597 Don't tell her that is the plan. 345 00:14:05,680 --> 00:14:06,677 Please don't tell her. OK. 346 00:14:06,760 --> 00:14:08,717 SAM: I think I've seen some of the junior school kids collecting. 347 00:14:08,800 --> 00:14:11,757 OK, perfect. Perfect? I'm not sure three blokes loitering outside 348 00:14:11,840 --> 00:14:14,677 a junior school approaching little kids is perfect. 349 00:14:14,760 --> 00:14:16,757 Oh, come off it, love. Not all men are nonces. 350 00:14:16,840 --> 00:14:19,037 No, but all nonces are men. 351 00:14:19,120 --> 00:14:21,757 Mm. Hmm. Just trying to get my brain round that. 352 00:14:21,840 --> 00:14:24,237 Oh, it's deep, it's proper deep. DOORBELL RINGS 353 00:14:24,320 --> 00:14:25,917 RACHEL: Ah, that's Maya. OK, 354 00:14:26,000 --> 00:14:29,317 so we're going to be in the lounge, so please do not disturb us. 355 00:14:29,400 --> 00:14:31,197 OK. Paolo, can you shut the back door in case the 356 00:14:31,280 --> 00:14:32,677 front one slams again? Yeah, yeah. OK. This way. 357 00:14:32,760 --> 00:14:33,957 DOOR SHUTS 358 00:14:34,040 --> 00:14:36,357 Here we go. JELSON: So are we doing swaps, or what? 359 00:14:36,440 --> 00:14:38,117 Well, there's no point, is there? 360 00:14:38,200 --> 00:14:40,157 Hi. All right? 361 00:14:40,240 --> 00:14:42,797 Oh, hi, Rachel. Sorry I'm late, I got stuck at the office. 362 00:14:42,880 --> 00:14:45,197 Yeah, Maya works extremely hard, in case you didn't pick up on it. 363 00:14:45,280 --> 00:14:47,357 That's not what I was saying. I've got time to kill. 364 00:14:47,440 --> 00:14:49,797 Ah, stop bickering. Oh, it's her, this is what she does! 365 00:14:49,880 --> 00:14:51,960 I know. You know? You're meant to be impartial. Yeah. 366 00:14:53,400 --> 00:14:55,320 Let's start again. Erm... 367 00:14:56,640 --> 00:14:58,757 OK. SAM: Good luck. 368 00:14:58,840 --> 00:15:00,597 Right, let's get this 369 00:15:00,680 --> 00:15:02,197 sleeping beauty out of here. 370 00:15:02,280 --> 00:15:03,597 I'll bag up Atlas's shit. 371 00:15:03,680 --> 00:15:07,117 Yeah, I've done that, Robin, he's got a new nappy on. 372 00:15:07,200 --> 00:15:09,237 No, sorry, Sue, I mean his, you know, baby gubbins. 373 00:15:09,320 --> 00:15:11,037 Do you fancy collecting the stickers, Sue? 374 00:15:11,120 --> 00:15:14,957 Oh, that's very kind of you, Dean. SAM: I'm not sure it is. 375 00:15:15,040 --> 00:15:18,557 But, no, money's a bit tight at the moment for that. 376 00:15:18,640 --> 00:15:21,677 What? What do you mean, Mum? Where's his monitor, Sue? 377 00:15:21,760 --> 00:15:24,357 Oh, well, the screen's on the table, 378 00:15:24,440 --> 00:15:27,197 but he napped in the lounge, so the camera's in there. 379 00:15:27,280 --> 00:15:29,037 Ah, gotcha, OK. Mum, what's... 380 00:15:29,120 --> 00:15:30,517 SAM: Ooh, Mum's counselling 381 00:15:30,600 --> 00:15:33,117 Amy and Maya in the lounge. Yeah, well, don't listen in, 382 00:15:33,200 --> 00:15:34,677 Sam, it's meant to be private! 383 00:15:34,760 --> 00:15:37,920 SAM: I AM listening. So am I. Definitely. Guys, we can't do it! 384 00:15:39,800 --> 00:15:40,957 Hang about, I'll turn it up. 385 00:15:41,040 --> 00:15:42,557 AMY: She's not even made the bed. 386 00:15:42,640 --> 00:15:45,397 Bed. Oi, oi! MAYA: Yeah, because I'm against making beds on principle. 387 00:15:45,480 --> 00:15:47,757 RACHEL: Oh, OK, yeah. That's handy. We're only going to 388 00:15:47,840 --> 00:15:49,157 get back in there again, there's no point. 389 00:15:49,240 --> 00:15:50,357 Then, what about emptying the bins? 390 00:15:50,440 --> 00:15:52,917 Oh, there's no point in doing that if you just squish it back down. 391 00:15:53,000 --> 00:15:54,957 There's so much more space than you think. 392 00:15:55,040 --> 00:15:56,637 You see, that's exactly like Paul. 393 00:15:56,720 --> 00:15:58,877 PAUL: Oh, don't bring me into it. That's how you get bin juice. 394 00:15:58,960 --> 00:16:00,837 I know! I keep telling him to empty it, 395 00:16:00,920 --> 00:16:03,357 but he just doesn't do it. I will. I said I would, and I will. 396 00:16:03,440 --> 00:16:05,477 SAM: She can't hear you, Dad! Unless you press the talk button here. 397 00:16:05,560 --> 00:16:08,117 Don't do that! I won't! They'll know that we're listening! All right! 398 00:16:08,200 --> 00:16:09,597 MAYA: I can't deal with your apathy. 399 00:16:09,680 --> 00:16:11,157 Apathy. Mum... Yeah. 400 00:16:11,240 --> 00:16:13,717 I can't deal with your judgment all the time. 401 00:16:13,800 --> 00:16:16,517 Yeah, well, when people have different values, 402 00:16:16,600 --> 00:16:18,197 it can put pressure on a relationship. 403 00:16:18,280 --> 00:16:19,277 Values? 404 00:16:19,360 --> 00:16:21,917 Particularly if money's tight, which it will be. 405 00:16:22,000 --> 00:16:24,637 You think we have different values? Well, it might explain 406 00:16:24,720 --> 00:16:25,877 why you keep breaking up. 407 00:16:25,960 --> 00:16:28,357 But we don't want you to explain it, Mum, we want you to fix it. 408 00:16:28,440 --> 00:16:30,357 Yeah, I know, but you can't necessarily fix something 409 00:16:30,440 --> 00:16:33,517 if there's just, you know, basic lack of compatibility. 410 00:16:33,600 --> 00:16:36,477 Oh, my God, what are you doing? Do you want a biscuit? 411 00:16:36,560 --> 00:16:38,037 I'm going to turn it down, this has got... 412 00:16:38,120 --> 00:16:40,597 Well, hang on. This isn't fun any more. It's not fun any more, 413 00:16:40,680 --> 00:16:42,757 it's getting aggie. All right, all right, chill out. 414 00:16:42,840 --> 00:16:45,397 Mum... 415 00:16:45,480 --> 00:16:49,957 ...what were you saying earlier about money being tight? 416 00:16:50,040 --> 00:16:51,320 Has something happened? 417 00:16:53,120 --> 00:16:56,197 Oh, well, promise you won't be angry with me? 418 00:16:56,280 --> 00:16:59,037 Well, it depends what it is. I won't be. 419 00:16:59,120 --> 00:17:01,277 Mm. 420 00:17:01,360 --> 00:17:06,837 I lost £1,500. Oh! "Lost"? How? 421 00:17:06,920 --> 00:17:10,557 Oh, Mum. Did you go back to Mecca? I told you, 422 00:17:10,640 --> 00:17:12,837 it's a super-slippery slope! 423 00:17:12,920 --> 00:17:15,477 No, this is playing UNO with Ethel. 424 00:17:15,560 --> 00:17:17,757 What? You lost £1,500 playing UNO? 425 00:17:17,840 --> 00:17:19,877 Well, how did this even happen? 426 00:17:19,960 --> 00:17:22,237 Ethel kept topping up me sherry and doubling each hand. 427 00:17:22,320 --> 00:17:23,797 JELSON: Classic. 428 00:17:23,880 --> 00:17:27,797 She took £900 off Lyn West, apparently. 429 00:17:27,880 --> 00:17:30,837 I only found out afterwards. You got rolled, Sue, 430 00:17:30,920 --> 00:17:34,757 it does happen. Oh, Mum, what were you thinking? 431 00:17:34,840 --> 00:17:36,797 SAM: You're the one who told her to play UNO. 432 00:17:36,880 --> 00:17:39,277 Yeah, I didn't know there's a gambling version of UNO, Sam! 433 00:17:39,360 --> 00:17:41,597 Oh, yeah! 434 00:17:41,680 --> 00:17:43,117 It's big in India. 435 00:17:43,200 --> 00:17:45,397 Well, I'll never know now. 436 00:17:45,480 --> 00:17:49,477 I can't afford me big trip after this. SOBS: I'm such an idiot! 437 00:17:49,560 --> 00:17:52,640 No, no, Mum. No. 438 00:17:53,800 --> 00:17:56,557 We'll get it back. How do we get it back? 439 00:17:56,640 --> 00:17:59,397 Only one way to do that. How? Double or quits, innit? 440 00:17:59,480 --> 00:18:01,597 It is. Rematch. Yeah, exactly. 441 00:18:01,680 --> 00:18:05,037 The only way to guarantee you don't lose when you gamble, 442 00:18:05,120 --> 00:18:09,277 you keep gambling. Well, that's appalling advice! 443 00:18:09,360 --> 00:18:10,357 Is it? 444 00:18:10,440 --> 00:18:13,557 And this Ethel woman is clearly an UNO, you know, 445 00:18:13,640 --> 00:18:18,397 grandmaster. Mum will just get cleaned out again! 446 00:18:18,480 --> 00:18:21,240 SAM: Well, not necessarily. Hmm? 447 00:18:22,560 --> 00:18:25,477 What do you mean? OK, so what's...? 448 00:18:25,560 --> 00:18:27,997 Ooh, Ethel hasn't got any reds. Sue should play a red. 449 00:18:28,080 --> 00:18:30,840 Sue should play a red. Press the talk button now. 450 00:18:32,080 --> 00:18:35,917 HE IMITATES BABY CRYING 451 00:18:36,000 --> 00:18:37,917 You'd have been a great baby. I was. Were you? 452 00:18:38,000 --> 00:18:41,120 Right, let me just... I'll look next door. 453 00:18:42,560 --> 00:18:45,037 Oh! UNO. 454 00:18:45,120 --> 00:18:48,360 Look, you just got lucky, that's all. It won't last! 455 00:18:53,280 --> 00:18:55,157 And that's 3-0. Ach! 456 00:18:55,240 --> 00:18:59,637 And it goes up to £400 a hand. My deal. Oh! 457 00:18:59,720 --> 00:19:01,517 DOORBELL RINGS 458 00:19:01,600 --> 00:19:04,840 SAM: Oh, I'll get it. No, you won't. OK, cool. 459 00:19:07,480 --> 00:19:11,437 Erm, let's talk. Oh, hi, Maya. In here. 460 00:19:11,520 --> 00:19:13,917 Yeah, good idea, good idea. Not you, Mum. 461 00:19:14,000 --> 00:19:15,080 Oh, my God! 462 00:19:16,200 --> 00:19:19,997 SAM LAUGHS: What's happened? She's snapped her UNO trophy. 463 00:19:20,080 --> 00:19:24,797 Maybe help Robin with his sticker habit instead, Mum? 464 00:19:24,880 --> 00:19:27,597 Sam, I can't keep driving you in like this. 465 00:19:27,680 --> 00:19:29,957 All right. Stop filming. Put the camera down! 466 00:19:30,040 --> 00:19:33,237 I am, I am. Hang on. Is that Robin? 467 00:19:33,320 --> 00:19:35,957 Children, back in class, please! 468 00:19:36,040 --> 00:19:37,477 Oh, my God! Oh, no, no. 469 00:19:37,560 --> 00:19:39,317 Come on, back in class. We're just doing some swapsies. 470 00:19:39,400 --> 00:19:42,397 You guys, you should know better, hanging round outside a school. 471 00:19:42,480 --> 00:19:43,877 He's still got my Phil Foden. 472 00:19:43,960 --> 00:19:47,517 Get away! Aiden! Aiden! Where do you live? 473 00:19:47,600 --> 00:19:49,797 We'll be back at three o'clock. I know what you look like. 474 00:19:49,880 --> 00:19:51,357 Wait, what's your address? Come on, come on. 475 00:19:51,440 --> 00:19:53,797 We can hit up St Helens. It's only down there. 476 00:19:53,880 --> 00:19:55,037 OK, let's go. Get in the car. 477 00:19:55,120 --> 00:19:56,397 See, they'll be on break in about 45 minutes. 478 00:19:56,480 --> 00:19:57,477 Come on, let's run. OK. 479 00:19:57,560 --> 00:19:59,557 HE CHUCKLES 480 00:19:59,640 --> 00:20:01,597 BABY MONITOR: Waargh! 481 00:20:01,680 --> 00:20:03,637 Let's try... 482 00:20:03,720 --> 00:20:04,717 Ah! 483 00:20:04,800 --> 00:20:08,160 BABY MONITOR: Waargh! 484 00:20:09,600 --> 00:20:13,277 On Satan's smelly old bum hole! 485 00:20:13,360 --> 00:20:14,877 BABY MONITOR: Waargh! Now, then. 486 00:20:14,960 --> 00:20:16,517 BABY MONITOR: Wait! 487 00:20:16,600 --> 00:20:21,837 Oh, is the baby all right? Is the baby all right? 488 00:20:21,920 --> 00:20:24,077 Anyone? ROBIN: Just picked up a green. 489 00:20:24,160 --> 00:20:25,437 PAUL: Put the talk back off. 490 00:20:25,520 --> 00:20:29,197 What was that? Oh, they must be in there 491 00:20:29,280 --> 00:20:30,677 just trying to soothe him. 492 00:20:30,760 --> 00:20:36,517 BABY MONITOR: Waargh, waarrgh, waargh, waargh! Blue. 493 00:20:36,600 --> 00:20:41,080 OK, so... UNO. 494 00:20:44,280 --> 00:20:45,557 And game. 495 00:20:45,640 --> 00:20:48,837 Something's off here, I can feel it in me waters. 496 00:20:48,920 --> 00:20:52,997 Oh, that'll be the humbugs, Ethel, they always give me the squits. 497 00:20:53,080 --> 00:20:55,560 We can stop if you like. No. 498 00:20:56,600 --> 00:20:58,277 I'm having a mint fag. 499 00:20:58,360 --> 00:21:00,037 SAM: Wow, that's a big box. 500 00:21:00,120 --> 00:21:02,837 I only trust fags imported from Turkey. 501 00:21:02,920 --> 00:21:06,797 Right. Bill Gates puts nanobots and asbestos in our ones. 502 00:21:06,880 --> 00:21:09,397 I mean, he doesn't, but, whatever. 503 00:21:09,480 --> 00:21:10,877 HE MIMICS BOXER 504 00:21:10,960 --> 00:21:13,717 Anyone who doubts you ever has to go. 505 00:21:13,800 --> 00:21:15,237 Yah, yah, yah, yah! 506 00:21:15,320 --> 00:21:16,757 ROBIN CHUCKLES 507 00:21:16,840 --> 00:21:19,397 So you're beating her, then? 508 00:21:19,480 --> 00:21:22,717 Oh, we are beating her like an... egg. 509 00:21:22,800 --> 00:21:26,077 Yeah. Yeah, we're beating her into stiff, 510 00:21:26,160 --> 00:21:29,917 glossy peaks, the... can I say, "Bitch?" No, absolutely not. 511 00:21:30,000 --> 00:21:31,637 I wasn't going to. 512 00:21:31,720 --> 00:21:33,517 SHE SIGHS 513 00:21:33,600 --> 00:21:35,637 How's Amy? Oh, God, the usual, you know, hates me, 514 00:21:35,720 --> 00:21:38,597 thinks I'm a terrible counsellor/mum. 515 00:21:38,680 --> 00:21:40,677 Maybe she's right, maybe I should pack it in. 516 00:21:40,760 --> 00:21:42,637 What, being her mother? 517 00:21:42,720 --> 00:21:44,797 No, being a counsellor. 518 00:21:44,880 --> 00:21:46,437 Ah! Yeah, yeah, I see. 519 00:21:46,520 --> 00:21:48,600 Well, maybe it's not for me. No. 520 00:21:49,760 --> 00:21:52,757 What do you think? 521 00:21:52,840 --> 00:21:55,437 I mean, maybe you should speak to a counsellor. 522 00:21:55,520 --> 00:21:58,917 Thank you. SAM: Well done, Dad. Ah. ROBIN: Oh, here she is! 523 00:21:59,000 --> 00:22:03,037 Hey, Mum. Oh, yeah! Huh? Well done. Sit down, babe. 524 00:22:03,120 --> 00:22:06,437 How are you feeling? GASPS: I'm absolutely shattered after that. 525 00:22:06,520 --> 00:22:08,037 Oh, well, come here, champ. I got you. 526 00:22:08,120 --> 00:22:09,197 SHE SIGHS 527 00:22:09,280 --> 00:22:10,997 I'm actually happy to stop now, 528 00:22:11,080 --> 00:22:14,437 because I've nearly made the money back that I need 529 00:22:14,520 --> 00:22:18,317 for me round-the-world trip. Wow! Don't you mean "across-the-world"? 530 00:22:18,400 --> 00:22:21,677 You can't go around it, it's flat. 531 00:22:21,760 --> 00:22:24,957 Well, it's not, but, OK. And we're not stopping, thank you. 532 00:22:25,040 --> 00:22:28,160 Whoa. Double or quits. All in. 533 00:22:29,160 --> 00:22:31,677 Wow, that is a serious wad of cash. 534 00:22:31,760 --> 00:22:33,757 That is one cheeky chunk. 535 00:22:33,840 --> 00:22:36,957 I carry all my money at all times in cash, 536 00:22:37,040 --> 00:22:40,037 just to be safe. Safe? That's not safe. 537 00:22:40,120 --> 00:22:42,837 You want to put it in a safe if you want it to be safe, or, 538 00:22:42,920 --> 00:22:45,437 you know, a bank. I don't use banks, thank you. 539 00:22:45,520 --> 00:22:47,117 They're all owned by paedophiles. 540 00:22:47,200 --> 00:22:52,237 Oh, no! Are they? Well, no, Sue, I mean, why would they be? 541 00:22:52,320 --> 00:22:56,837 Banks, politics, Hollywood, Happy Eater, all run by paedos, 542 00:22:56,920 --> 00:22:59,077 they're everywhere. SAM: Happy Eater? 543 00:22:59,160 --> 00:23:01,357 There were some at my nephew's school last week. 544 00:23:01,440 --> 00:23:04,157 What, were there? Three of the sickos were caught 545 00:23:04,240 --> 00:23:05,917 bothering the little 'uns. 546 00:23:06,000 --> 00:23:09,077 Claimed they were trying to swap football stickers, 547 00:23:09,160 --> 00:23:12,840 but they were definitely paedos, apparently, from the look of them. 548 00:23:17,000 --> 00:23:21,637 Oh... my... God. I know. Come on, Sue, one last round. 549 00:23:21,720 --> 00:23:24,837 Three grand, winner takes all. You get her, Mum! 550 00:23:24,920 --> 00:23:26,877 All right. You got this, you got this! 551 00:23:26,960 --> 00:23:29,997 SAM: Go on, Granny. SHE SIGHS 552 00:23:30,080 --> 00:23:33,157 I've so nearly completed the album. It's just... 553 00:23:33,240 --> 00:23:35,637 It's actually gross, it's gross. 554 00:23:35,720 --> 00:23:37,317 You and your weird little friends are gross. 555 00:23:37,400 --> 00:23:39,197 I've got 37 stickers to go, I can't stop now. 556 00:23:39,280 --> 00:23:41,557 I can't stop now, babe. I've had a child with you. 557 00:23:41,640 --> 00:23:43,597 Do you know how embarrassing. That is? It's embarrassing. 558 00:23:43,680 --> 00:23:45,877 I can't. Babe, can we just talk about it at home? 559 00:23:45,960 --> 00:23:49,917 You are not going home tonight, you are sleeping here with Atlas. 560 00:23:50,000 --> 00:23:52,837 And tomorrow I am calling Amber. 561 00:23:52,920 --> 00:23:56,117 Oh, no, please don't make me go back to Amber! Chez...! 562 00:23:56,200 --> 00:23:59,197 We need couples therapy, Robin, 563 00:23:59,280 --> 00:24:01,117 and you're paying for it. Shit. 564 00:24:01,200 --> 00:24:04,600 CRYING FROM BABY MONITOR 565 00:24:09,360 --> 00:24:11,637 Oh, my life! 566 00:24:11,720 --> 00:24:13,077 It's times like this that make me wonder 567 00:24:13,160 --> 00:24:15,397 if collecting football stickers is even worth it at all. 568 00:24:15,480 --> 00:24:17,517 I mean, of course it isn't, Robin. SAM: Hang on, 569 00:24:17,600 --> 00:24:19,717 back door's still open. Yeah, and? 570 00:24:19,800 --> 00:24:21,877 So that means that the front door's going to... 571 00:24:21,960 --> 00:24:23,637 DOOR SLAMS ..do that. Ah! 572 00:24:23,720 --> 00:24:27,797 Oh, what was that? Oh. Oh! Oh, no, that's... 573 00:24:27,880 --> 00:24:29,437 What happened? Argh! Argh! Atlas! 574 00:24:29,520 --> 00:24:33,237 The front door slammed again. Is the baby all right, Paul? 575 00:24:33,320 --> 00:24:36,877 Is the baby all right? He's awake, Sue. The baby's awake. 576 00:24:36,960 --> 00:24:38,477 Yeah, we're sorry, Mum. 577 00:24:38,560 --> 00:24:41,437 We didn't think he'd actually wake up. 578 00:24:41,520 --> 00:24:44,637 What are you talking about? He's been crying all bloody night! 579 00:24:44,720 --> 00:24:47,837 Oh, yeah. Well, can you get him back to sleep, Robin? 580 00:24:47,920 --> 00:24:50,517 Not normally, no. I'll try. 581 00:24:50,600 --> 00:24:54,797 Well, do we stop, or what? No, we're not stopping! 582 00:24:54,880 --> 00:24:57,117 So what do I...? You're just going to have to win, Mum. Oh. 583 00:24:57,200 --> 00:25:01,237 Like you've won every hand so far. 584 00:25:01,320 --> 00:25:02,920 You can do it. SHE SIGHS 585 00:25:09,840 --> 00:25:14,077 Yes. And pick up two! SHE LAUGHS 586 00:25:14,160 --> 00:25:16,477 Put that in your arse and smoke it! SAM: What? 587 00:25:16,560 --> 00:25:20,360 Oh, Maya, are you off? Erm, yeah, I, erm... AMY: Yep. 588 00:25:21,560 --> 00:25:22,517 Bye, Rachel. 589 00:25:22,600 --> 00:25:24,680 But thank you for everything. 590 00:25:26,240 --> 00:25:29,157 Oh. Yes, no worries. 591 00:25:29,240 --> 00:25:31,200 Bye. Bye, Maya. Bye. 592 00:25:37,600 --> 00:25:39,557 Everything OK? 593 00:25:39,640 --> 00:25:42,277 Uh-huh, all good. Oh, phew! SHE LAUGHS 594 00:25:42,360 --> 00:25:44,157 What a relief. I thought I'd ruined everything. 595 00:25:44,240 --> 00:25:45,597 We broke up. OK. 596 00:25:45,680 --> 00:25:47,040 But we had to. 597 00:25:48,360 --> 00:25:49,880 You were right. 598 00:25:51,160 --> 00:25:53,957 You said what we needed to hear. 599 00:25:54,040 --> 00:25:56,517 You're actually quite a good counsellor, it turns out. 600 00:25:56,600 --> 00:25:59,640 ATLAS CRIES IN DISTANCE 601 00:26:02,280 --> 00:26:05,997 LAUGHS: That's wiped the grin off your chops, hasn't it? 602 00:26:06,080 --> 00:26:08,237 How's it going, Sam? This is the last hand. 603 00:26:08,320 --> 00:26:10,997 They're playing for £3,000. Come on, Mum! 604 00:26:11,080 --> 00:26:12,560 RACHEL: Oh, good one. 605 00:26:17,760 --> 00:26:19,640 Come on, Sue. 606 00:26:21,640 --> 00:26:24,277 Miss a go, 607 00:26:24,360 --> 00:26:27,557 and... SAM: Oh, no. 608 00:26:27,640 --> 00:26:31,117 Yes! Eat that! Gobble that up! 609 00:26:31,200 --> 00:26:33,597 No-one beats Ethel Veronica Ticehurst, no-one! 610 00:26:33,680 --> 00:26:36,757 Oh, Mum. I'll be having this. 611 00:26:36,840 --> 00:26:39,317 Hang on. 612 00:26:39,400 --> 00:26:41,757 What? You didn't say "UNO". 613 00:26:41,840 --> 00:26:46,197 I did. She's right, you didn't. That's a two-card penalty. 614 00:26:46,280 --> 00:26:48,917 I did. Of course I did. SAM: You didn't, actually. 615 00:26:49,000 --> 00:26:51,517 And I was filming it all, if you want to check. Ho-ho! 616 00:26:51,600 --> 00:26:54,757 Pick up two, Ethel. Them's the rules. 617 00:26:54,840 --> 00:26:56,357 SHE CHUCKLES 618 00:26:56,440 --> 00:26:58,600 Your go, then, Granny. Come on, Mum. 619 00:27:01,760 --> 00:27:03,397 UNO. 620 00:27:03,480 --> 00:27:05,440 UNO. 621 00:27:07,280 --> 00:27:10,517 Game! THEY CHEER 622 00:27:10,600 --> 00:27:11,677 SAM: Yes, Granny! 623 00:27:11,760 --> 00:27:15,797 You cheated! I don't know how, but you cheated me, 624 00:27:15,880 --> 00:27:17,517 all of you! You're all in on it. 625 00:27:17,600 --> 00:27:20,117 Yeah, all right, another conspiracy theory. 626 00:27:20,200 --> 00:27:21,680 You're paranoid, mate! 627 00:27:22,800 --> 00:27:25,437 Amy, Amy, you saved my bacon! 628 00:27:25,520 --> 00:27:29,077 Yeah, never underestimate the under-sevens champion. 629 00:27:29,160 --> 00:27:32,877 Still the best girl in Bedford. I still know the rules, yeah. 630 00:27:32,960 --> 00:27:35,077 Actually, let's get our trophy. Where's our trophy? 631 00:27:35,160 --> 00:27:38,397 Oh, I put it in the bin. Why did you put it in the bin? 632 00:27:38,480 --> 00:27:42,517 Get that camera out of my face, I feel like Princess Diana here. 633 00:27:42,600 --> 00:27:45,117 Found it! She's still alive, you know, that was fake. 634 00:27:45,200 --> 00:27:46,637 SAM: Cool. Bye. ATLAS CRIES 635 00:27:46,720 --> 00:27:48,757 Oh, the baby's still crying. I should probably... 636 00:27:48,840 --> 00:27:51,917 No. Ta-da! 637 00:27:52,000 --> 00:27:55,397 There you are! Yeah. Ha-ha-ha! 638 00:27:55,480 --> 00:27:56,797 THEY CHEER 639 00:27:56,880 --> 00:27:58,677 Yeah, yeah, now you're pleased I didn't empty the bin. 640 00:27:58,760 --> 00:28:02,517 You're welcome! Don't kiss it, it's covered in salmon. Eurgh. 641 00:28:02,600 --> 00:28:05,277 ♪ Wind the bobbin up, wind the bobbin up 642 00:28:05,360 --> 00:28:08,197 ♪ Pull, pull, clap, clap, clap 643 00:28:08,280 --> 00:28:10,997 ♪ Wind it back again, wind it back again 644 00:28:11,080 --> 00:28:13,677 ♪ Pull, pull, clap, clap, clap 645 00:28:13,760 --> 00:28:16,317 ♪ Point to the ceiling, point to the floor 646 00:28:16,400 --> 00:28:19,637 ♪ Point to the window, point to the door 647 00:28:19,720 --> 00:28:22,597 ♪ Clap your hands together, one, two, three 648 00:28:22,680 --> 00:28:25,120 ♪ Put your hands upon your knee... ♪