Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story

1 00:00:06,000 --> 00:00:12,074 Watch Online Movies and Series for FREE www.osdb.link/lm 2 00:00:24,358 --> 00:00:26,986 <i>♪♪ [ Rock ]</i> 3 00:00:27,069 --> 00:00:29,322 <i>[ Male Announcer ] Tired of the same old you?</i> 4 00:00:29,405 --> 00:00:34,327 <i>Tired of being out of shape and out of luck with the opposite sex?</i> 5 00:00:34,410 --> 00:00:37,163 <i>Tired of being overweight and under-attractive?</i> 6 00:00:37,246 --> 00:00:40,041 Yeah! Oh. Hello! 7 00:00:40,124 --> 00:00:42,335 I'm White Goodman... 8 00:00:42,418 --> 00:00:46,339 owner, operator and founder of Globo Gym America Corp... 9 00:00:46,422 --> 00:00:50,509 and I'm here to tell ya that you don't have to be stuck with what ya got. 10 00:00:50,593 --> 00:00:53,137 - Hey, Rory. Looking good. - [ Grunts ] 11 00:00:53,221 --> 00:00:55,431 Here at Globo Gym, we understand that... 12 00:00:55,514 --> 00:00:58,768 "ugliness" and "fatness" are genetic disorders... 13 00:00:58,851 --> 00:01:01,229 much like baldness or necrophilia... 14 00:01:01,312 --> 00:01:05,358 and it's only your fault if you don't hate yourself enough to do something about it. 15 00:01:05,441 --> 00:01:07,652 [ Grunts ] And that's where we come in. 16 00:01:07,735 --> 00:01:09,153 [ Laughing Sinisterly ] 17 00:01:09,237 --> 00:01:11,364 Globo Gym employs a highly-trained... 18 00:01:11,447 --> 00:01:15,534 quasi-cultural staff of personal alteration specialists. 19 00:01:15,618 --> 00:01:18,621 And with our competitively-priced on-site cosmetic surgery... 20 00:01:18,704 --> 00:01:22,208 we can turn that Frankenstein you see in the mirror every morning... 21 00:01:22,291 --> 00:01:24,794 into a Franken-fine! 22 00:01:24,877 --> 00:01:27,088 Of course, you'll still be you in a legal sense... 23 00:01:27,171 --> 00:01:29,882 but think of it as a thinner, more attractive, better you... 24 00:01:29,966 --> 00:01:32,009 than you could ever become without us. 25 00:01:32,093 --> 00:01:36,013 How do I know? Well, I'm not only the founder of Globo Gym. 26 00:01:36,097 --> 00:01:38,057 I'm also a client. 27 00:01:40,476 --> 00:01:43,312 {\an8}<i>That's me six years and 600 pounds ago...</i> 28 00:01:43,396 --> 00:01:45,481 <i>before I knew how much I hated myself.</i> 29 00:01:45,564 --> 00:01:48,442 <i>[ Continues On TV ] That all changed once I founded Globo Gym.</i> 30 00:01:48,526 --> 00:01:50,528 <i>But don't just take my word for it.</i> 31 00:01:50,611 --> 00:01:53,489 <i>Listen to these Globo Gymers tell you how it is.</i> 32 00:01:53,572 --> 00:01:56,951 <i>- [ Woman On TV, Indistinct ]</i> - Mmm. 33 00:01:58,661 --> 00:02:01,372 That feels good. 34 00:02:01,455 --> 00:02:04,834 Oh, that tickle machine. [ Chuckles ] 35 00:02:06,460 --> 00:02:10,047 Crash, no! Crash, out! Bad dog! 36 00:02:10,131 --> 00:02:13,968 - [ Barks ] - No grundle. 37 00:02:14,051 --> 00:02:16,262 <i>[ White ] Come on down and join the winning team.</i> 38 00:02:16,345 --> 00:02:19,598 Because here at Globo Gym, we're better than you... 39 00:02:19,682 --> 00:02:21,892 and we know it! 40 00:02:21,976 --> 00:02:24,895 - Spare me. <i>- [ TV Shuts Off ]</i> 41 00:02:30,109 --> 00:02:32,445 [ Beeps ] 42 00:02:32,528 --> 00:02:35,865 <i>[ Woman ] Mr. La Fleur, this is Doris from the Department of Water and Power.</i> 43 00:02:35,948 --> 00:02:39,535 <i>We've been trying to reach you for some time now, but your phone was disconnected.</i> 44 00:02:39,618 --> 00:02:42,597 <i>I'm calling to inform you that we'll be shutting off your water and power...</i> 45 00:02:42,621 --> 00:02:45,291 <i>at 5:00 p.m. today due to an eight-month-overdue account.</i> 46 00:02:45,374 --> 00:02:48,544 <i>- Thank you, and have a nice day. - [ Beeps ]</i> 47 00:02:48,627 --> 00:02:50,629 <i>[ Man ] This is Seth from Videorama.</i> 48 00:02:50,713 --> 00:02:52,965 <i>The following DVDs are now overdue:</i> 49 00:02:53,049 --> 00:02:57,887 Drunken Hussies 3, Backdoor Patrol 5 <i>and</i> Mona Lisa Smile. 50 00:02:57,970 --> 00:03:00,222 <i>- Thank you. - [ Beeps ]</i> 51 00:03:10,316 --> 00:03:14,445 ♪♪ [ Humming ] 52 00:03:14,528 --> 00:03:17,448 - Come on, baby. Be there. Be there. - [ Starter Grinding ] 53 00:03:17,531 --> 00:03:20,826 [ Engine Sputtering, Starts ] 54 00:03:24,080 --> 00:03:27,666 It's gonna be a good day. I'm proud of you. 55 00:03:38,302 --> 00:03:40,489 <i>[ Peter ] We're just around the corner. My gym's right here.</i> 56 00:03:40,513 --> 00:03:42,515 {\an8}I promise. We're almost there. 57 00:03:42,598 --> 00:03:44,600 {\an8}Here we go. 58 00:03:44,683 --> 00:03:47,019 {\an8}You guys are lifesavers. I appreciate the effort. 59 00:03:47,103 --> 00:03:49,480 Don't pull a hammy over it. Perfect. 60 00:03:54,944 --> 00:03:58,406 Give me that garbage. Shouldn't you be on the treadmill? 61 00:04:00,533 --> 00:04:03,327 <i>- Buenas días, O.</i> - Hey, Peter. 62 00:04:03,411 --> 00:04:07,123 - How's my little tax shelter this morning? - Everything's shipshape. 63 00:04:07,206 --> 00:04:10,334 {\an8}Don't hold out on me. What's happening? 64 00:04:10,418 --> 00:04:12,920 {\an8}Well, it's just... 65 00:04:13,003 --> 00:04:15,840 - I'm trying this new voice mail dating thing, you know. - Right. 66 00:04:15,923 --> 00:04:20,219 And, like, no one's even left me a message, and it's been almost two months. 67 00:04:20,302 --> 00:04:22,930 Well, keep your chin up. There's someone out there for everybody. 68 00:04:23,013 --> 00:04:24,682 - You think? - Absolutely. 69 00:04:24,765 --> 00:04:27,245 You know, in some cases, there's two somebodies for one person. 70 00:04:27,309 --> 00:04:31,021 I like to call that the jackpot. See ya later, dater. 71 00:04:33,566 --> 00:04:35,192 {\an8}<i>- Hey, Peter!</i> - Hey, Gordon. 72 00:04:35,276 --> 00:04:37,504 Hey, buddy. I'm really wailin' on my glutes this morning. 73 00:04:37,528 --> 00:04:39,756 {\an8}- Sounds great, Gord. - Yeah, I'm gonna shock the biceps later. 74 00:04:39,780 --> 00:04:42,551 {\an8}Finish up with some cardio. You know, change it up, keep the body guessing. 75 00:04:42,575 --> 00:04:45,178 - That's always been my approach. I like to keep my body guessing. - Sure. That's right. 76 00:04:45,202 --> 00:04:48,456 Hey, I wanted to ask you something. You catch the game last night? 77 00:04:48,539 --> 00:04:52,251 - Can I say yes to you? - Amateur Curling Championships on ESPN 8. 78 00:04:52,334 --> 00:04:55,921 - I had no idea. - You missed a doozy. Really great stuff. 79 00:04:56,005 --> 00:04:59,216 I feel dumb for asking this, but how do you hear about these things? 80 00:04:59,300 --> 00:05:03,596 <i>- O.S.Q. Obscure Sports Quarterly.</i> - Of course, the <i>O.S.Q.</i> 81 00:05:03,679 --> 00:05:06,950 - Started reading it in college, you know, for the chicks. - Glad that worked out for you. 82 00:05:06,974 --> 00:05:09,268 - Thanks very much. Bye-bye. - My pleasure. 83 00:05:09,351 --> 00:05:11,496 - Love the orange and love the headphones. - Thank you very much, Pete. 84 00:05:11,520 --> 00:05:13,665 - When I come back, I wanna see you on a different machine. - You got it, buddy! 85 00:05:13,689 --> 00:05:18,319 {\an8}Get this— Ow! Ow! 86 00:05:18,402 --> 00:05:21,655 {\an8}- You need a spot? - I'm cool, Pete. Hey. 87 00:05:21,739 --> 00:05:23,782 Okay, come on. Let's get this out of here. 88 00:05:23,866 --> 00:05:26,327 You okay? You're like a human Chinese puzzle. 89 00:05:26,410 --> 00:05:29,079 - Here. And we're not gonna get hurt. - Thanks, Pete. 90 00:05:29,163 --> 00:05:31,558 What are you doin' with all that weight anyway? It's dangerous. 91 00:05:31,582 --> 00:05:34,102 It'll be worth it when I make the cheerleading squad this time... 92 00:05:34,126 --> 00:05:36,188 prove to Amber and everyone else that I'm not a loser. 93 00:05:36,212 --> 00:05:38,631 Okay, hang on a second. You wanna become a cheerleader... 94 00:05:38,714 --> 00:05:41,008 to prove to a girl that you are <i>not</i> a loser? 95 00:05:41,091 --> 00:05:43,594 Yeah. What? 96 00:05:43,677 --> 00:05:46,472 Nothing. Just high school's changed a little bit since I was a kid. 97 00:05:46,555 --> 00:05:48,599 Plus, all anyone ever remembers... 98 00:05:48,682 --> 00:05:50,684 is what happened at last year's tryouts. 99 00:05:50,768 --> 00:05:52,770 I'm the laughingstock of the school. 100 00:05:52,853 --> 00:05:56,273 I'm sure it's not that big of a deal. What happened at last year's tryouts? 101 00:05:58,067 --> 00:06:01,153 Justin Redman, ready and super-psyched! 102 00:06:01,237 --> 00:06:04,865 - Hey, Amber. - Hi, Justin. Good luck. 103 00:06:04,949 --> 00:06:09,495 Uh, good luck to you making, uh, your judgments. 104 00:06:09,578 --> 00:06:12,498 And from the girls' line, we need girl number... 105 00:06:12,581 --> 00:06:15,125 double zero, Martha Johnstone. 106 00:06:15,209 --> 00:06:18,128 - Whoo! - Aah! 107 00:06:18,212 --> 00:06:20,631 Whoo! 108 00:06:20,714 --> 00:06:22,550 Whoo! 109 00:06:22,633 --> 00:06:25,135 <i>Toss to hands, liberty and cradle out, okay?</i> 110 00:06:26,262 --> 00:06:28,597 I'm not wearing any panties. 111 00:06:28,681 --> 00:06:30,933 - [ Clicks Tongue ] - [ Groans ] 112 00:06:31,016 --> 00:06:33,227 Ready? One, two. 113 00:06:33,310 --> 00:06:37,064 - [ Grunting ] <i>- [ Man ] Liberty, ready?</i> 114 00:06:39,692 --> 00:06:41,986 [ Screams ] 115 00:06:42,069 --> 00:06:45,698 <i>[ Crowd Gasping ]</i> 116 00:06:45,781 --> 00:06:48,284 - [ Justin Groaning ] - [ Gasps ] 117 00:06:48,367 --> 00:06:51,161 - [ Justin Speaking, Muffled ] - Dude! 118 00:06:54,290 --> 00:06:57,626 [ Gasps, Exhales ] 119 00:06:59,211 --> 00:07:01,213 - Wow. - Yeah. 120 00:07:01,297 --> 00:07:03,799 - It was the worst. - Look, Justin. 121 00:07:03,882 --> 00:07:07,595 Don't worry so much about this Amber situation. It'll all work itself out in the end. 122 00:07:07,678 --> 00:07:11,473 - Thanks, Pete. - You'll laugh at this one day. I'm laughing already. 123 00:07:11,557 --> 00:07:14,518 Go at your own pace. That's what it's there for. 124 00:07:14,602 --> 00:07:16,687 - [ Yelling ] - Ow! 125 00:07:16,770 --> 00:07:19,315 - Who goes there? - It's me. It's Peter. It's Peter. 126 00:07:19,398 --> 00:07:21,567 - Oi, Peter. - Yeah. 127 00:07:21,650 --> 00:07:23,736 Oh! 128 00:07:25,362 --> 00:07:28,157 {\an8}'Tis about the matter of payment for me membership. 129 00:07:28,240 --> 00:07:30,242 Steve be a touch short this month. 130 00:07:30,326 --> 00:07:32,554 That's all right, Steve. Just pay me when you get the money. 131 00:07:32,578 --> 00:07:34,913 The dread pirate Steve be in no man's debt. 132 00:07:34,997 --> 00:07:36,999 I'll make a barter with you true as the North Star. 133 00:07:37,082 --> 00:07:39,001 - Right. - In exchange for your kindness... 134 00:07:39,084 --> 00:07:41,920 I'll be splittin' me buried treasure with you. 135 00:07:42,004 --> 00:07:45,215 [ Chuckles ] Once I find it, that be. 136 00:07:45,299 --> 00:07:47,569 That's not gonna be necessary. I'm flattered by the gesture... 137 00:07:47,593 --> 00:07:50,572 but honestly just, you know, a couple bucks here and there, I think we'll be fine. 138 00:07:50,596 --> 00:07:55,392 - Thanks, Peter. I'll be on the StairMaster. - Okay, Steve. 139 00:07:55,476 --> 00:07:57,561 Next time, maybe just say hello, that's all. 140 00:07:57,645 --> 00:08:00,689 <i>- [ Laughs ]</i> - Okay. 141 00:08:05,402 --> 00:08:07,529 {\an8}- Hello. - Oh. 142 00:08:07,613 --> 00:08:10,991 It's actually not my birthday till next month, but terrific. 143 00:08:11,075 --> 00:08:15,120 I'm so sorry. Hi. I'm Katherine Veatch with Hawthorne Stone. 144 00:08:15,204 --> 00:08:16,872 Oh. 145 00:08:16,955 --> 00:08:20,459 - Your bank. - Right. My bank. 146 00:08:20,542 --> 00:08:23,295 Well, you are very attractive for a banker. 147 00:08:23,379 --> 00:08:25,839 - Thank you. I'm not a banker. I'm a lawyer. - Really? 148 00:08:25,923 --> 00:08:28,342 And what kind of law are you involved in, pretty eyes? 149 00:08:28,425 --> 00:08:30,010 Sexual harassment, mostly. 150 00:08:30,094 --> 00:08:32,221 - Oh. - But I also handle... 151 00:08:32,304 --> 00:08:35,265 real estate and tax law, which is why I'm here. 152 00:08:35,349 --> 00:08:38,912 - Hang on a second. You're saying this place here is in default? - No. You're in foreclosure. 153 00:08:38,936 --> 00:08:41,939 You were in default during the six months we sent you delinquency notices. 154 00:08:42,022 --> 00:08:45,192 - I thought that those were just warnings. - They were warnings. 155 00:08:45,275 --> 00:08:48,153 Well, no one warned me. So what happens now? 156 00:08:48,237 --> 00:08:50,256 I just pretty much make my payments out to somebody else? 157 00:08:50,280 --> 00:08:52,926 It means you have 30 days to pay off the balance of your mortgage... 158 00:08:52,950 --> 00:08:55,035 or you lose your gym. 159 00:08:55,119 --> 00:08:57,663 Perfect. What's the damage? What do I owe you? 160 00:08:57,746 --> 00:08:59,498 Fifty thousand dollars. 161 00:09:01,709 --> 00:09:04,795 Personal check gonna be okay? Might have to wait till the end of the month... 162 00:09:04,878 --> 00:09:08,215 to go ahead and cash her, because I do have to switch some funds around. 163 00:09:08,298 --> 00:09:10,777 Unfortunately, the charity I like to work with is gonna take a hit. 164 00:09:10,801 --> 00:09:14,555 Mr. La Fleur, I can assure you this is a very serious situation. 165 00:09:14,638 --> 00:09:18,225 Yeah. No, I— This is extremely serious, Mrs., uh, Veatch. 166 00:09:18,308 --> 00:09:21,353 It's Ms. I'm gonna need to review all of your financial statements... 167 00:09:21,437 --> 00:09:24,898 - and assess any tax liabilities there may be. <i>- Absolutely.</i> 168 00:09:24,982 --> 00:09:26,793 I don't know how you say Ms. for a Mr., 'cause it's just Mr... 169 00:09:26,817 --> 00:09:29,403 but if there was a Ms. Mr., I'm a— I'm a Ms. as well. 170 00:09:29,486 --> 00:09:32,364 You do keep financial records, don't you? 171 00:09:32,448 --> 00:09:34,992 - Invoices, revenue reports, taxable income? <i>- You kidding me?</i> 172 00:09:35,075 --> 00:09:36,744 - I got a whole closet full. <i>- Here?</i> 173 00:09:36,827 --> 00:09:38,954 Yeah. I call 'em keepers. 174 00:09:42,624 --> 00:09:44,668 <i>Problem is that I've never really filed them.</i> 175 00:09:44,752 --> 00:09:46,503 No kidding. 176 00:09:46,587 --> 00:09:50,007 Just out of curiosity, who would wanna buy this place anyway? 177 00:09:50,090 --> 00:09:52,760 - [ Grunting ] - Come on. Come on. Squeeze it. Squeeze it. 178 00:09:52,843 --> 00:09:57,097 Squeeze it. Yeah. Come on. Come on. Get it up. Get it up, get it up, get it up. 179 00:09:57,181 --> 00:09:59,224 Come on. One more, bitch! One more, bitch! 180 00:09:59,308 --> 00:10:02,269 - [ Yelling ] - Yeah, bitch! Yeah! 181 00:10:02,352 --> 00:10:04,897 - Yeah! - Now you're my bitch! 182 00:10:04,980 --> 00:10:07,107 Yeah! [ Grunts ] 183 00:10:07,191 --> 00:10:09,610 Whoo! Yeah, baby! 184 00:10:09,693 --> 00:10:15,240 Involuntary spasm. Look at— Look at the show! Enjoy the show! 185 00:10:15,324 --> 00:10:18,619 <i>- Whoo!</i> - Is this a bad time? I could always come back. 186 00:10:18,702 --> 00:10:20,954 <i>Looks like some real dude sweat going on.</i> 187 00:10:21,038 --> 00:10:23,433 Add three pounds to the scales in the women's locker room before you go home. 188 00:10:23,457 --> 00:10:26,210 - Yes, sir. - Refreshment? 189 00:10:26,293 --> 00:10:30,047 I've got protein paste, carb laxative. 190 00:10:30,130 --> 00:10:32,132 Oh! Suffocated kumquat, perhaps? 191 00:10:32,216 --> 00:10:34,510 No, thank you. I'm actually trying to cut down on those. 192 00:10:34,593 --> 00:10:38,263 - They're good. They are good. - I know what you mean. Walk with me. 193 00:10:42,601 --> 00:10:45,979 - Hey, Briana. Cellulite seminar tomorrow, 0600. - Sounds great. 194 00:10:46,063 --> 00:10:50,359 Nice job, Suzie. You call that a sit-up? 195 00:10:50,442 --> 00:10:52,778 Don't slack, Trevor. I'm watching you. 196 00:10:52,861 --> 00:10:54,863 There's a good energy in the gym. 197 00:10:54,947 --> 00:10:56,949 <i>Let me guess why you're here, Pete.</i> 198 00:10:57,032 --> 00:10:59,827 You're here because I bought out the second mortgage on your gym... 199 00:10:59,910 --> 00:11:02,663 and you've got 30 days to make $50,000... 200 00:11:02,746 --> 00:11:04,873 or your gym becomes my gym. 201 00:11:04,957 --> 00:11:07,268 Look, White, I know that we've had our differences in the past— 202 00:11:07,292 --> 00:11:11,129 Differences? Is that what you call sleeping with three of my female trainers? 203 00:11:11,213 --> 00:11:13,525 - It was one night. - Or how about that strip-o-gram you sent me... 204 00:11:13,549 --> 00:11:15,759 for the Globo Gym one-year anniversary? 205 00:11:15,843 --> 00:11:19,221 - The stripper was meant to be congratulatory. - It was also a man. 206 00:11:19,304 --> 00:11:21,473 Let's not get hung up on details here, okay? 207 00:11:21,557 --> 00:11:24,226 - Look, we're both professionals. - Oh, really? Professionals? 208 00:11:24,309 --> 00:11:27,396 Last I heard, my gym makes money. Yours doesn't. 209 00:11:27,479 --> 00:11:31,316 My gym's worth over four million dollars. Your gym isn't worth four. 210 00:11:31,400 --> 00:11:35,779 I have shareholders. You haven't even got... cup holders. 211 00:11:35,863 --> 00:11:38,198 - Why would I want cup holders? - The point is... 212 00:11:38,282 --> 00:11:41,326 Globo Gym is a beacon of human physical perfection. 213 00:11:41,410 --> 00:11:43,495 A benchmark in the fitness community. 214 00:11:43,579 --> 00:11:48,542 Your <i>gym</i> is a skid mark on the underpants of society. 215 00:11:48,625 --> 00:11:53,297 You see, Peter, I wasn't born expecting the world to do me any favors. 216 00:11:53,380 --> 00:11:56,508 I earned this body and I built this temple... 217 00:11:56,592 --> 00:12:00,387 <i>out of nothing more than a little "can do" attitude and some elbow grease.</i> 218 00:12:00,470 --> 00:12:03,223 And, yes, a large inheritance from my father, Earl Goodman. 219 00:12:03,307 --> 00:12:05,601 So if I choose to level Average Joe's... 220 00:12:05,684 --> 00:12:09,438 to build a new auxiliary parking structure for my members, so be it. 221 00:12:09,521 --> 00:12:12,024 There's nothing you can do about it. 222 00:12:12,107 --> 00:12:14,610 In 30 days, I'll be bulldozing that shit heap you call a gym... 223 00:12:14,693 --> 00:12:16,945 into permanent nothingness. 224 00:12:17,029 --> 00:12:20,574 And I can only hope that you and the mongrel race... 225 00:12:20,657 --> 00:12:23,827 that comprise your membership are inside it when I do. 226 00:12:25,203 --> 00:12:28,081 Show Mr. La Fleur out. 227 00:12:28,165 --> 00:12:30,417 Turn it up high, Reggie. 228 00:12:31,752 --> 00:12:34,630 I wanna burn! 229 00:12:34,713 --> 00:12:36,715 So that's the deal. 230 00:12:36,798 --> 00:12:40,469 We got 30 days to raise $50,000, or Average Joe's is history. 231 00:12:40,552 --> 00:12:43,055 Now, I got 10 minutes. I'll open it up to some "Q" and "A." 232 00:12:43,138 --> 00:12:46,600 <i>You don't have to raise your hands. It's more of an open forum.</i> 233 00:12:46,683 --> 00:12:49,519 - But, yeah, okay, Owen. Kick us off. - Uh, yes, Peter. 234 00:12:49,603 --> 00:12:52,356 And I'm just spitballin' here... 235 00:12:52,439 --> 00:12:56,068 but why don't we pay it off in Canadian dollars and save ourselves some money? 236 00:12:56,151 --> 00:12:58,028 <i>[ Peter ] All right, just so you know...</i> 237 00:12:58,111 --> 00:13:00,298 if that's a route that you're interested in traveling... 238 00:13:00,322 --> 00:13:04,576 it's $50,000 American, it would be 70,000 roughly Canadian dollars. 239 00:13:04,660 --> 00:13:07,287 How are we gonna come up with $120,000? 240 00:13:07,371 --> 00:13:09,623 <i>Owen, no, no. You don't add 'em together.</i> 241 00:13:09,706 --> 00:13:14,044 And technically, Peter, I'm sorry to say this, but it's more like $73,313. 242 00:13:14,127 --> 00:13:17,089 Look, it doesn't matter. We can't come up with $50,000. 243 00:13:17,172 --> 00:13:19,758 <i>- We're screwed.</i> - Garr! 244 00:13:19,841 --> 00:13:21,843 It seems to me an insurmountable amount of money. 245 00:13:21,927 --> 00:13:25,263 No, it's not insurmountable. Come on. Come on. 246 00:13:25,347 --> 00:13:28,266 We can't just sit back and let Globo Gym take us over. 247 00:13:28,350 --> 00:13:31,520 Average Joe's is too important. 248 00:13:31,603 --> 00:13:33,843 Gordon, where do you go when your wife changes the locks? 249 00:13:33,897 --> 00:13:36,400 - Average Joe's. - Right. 250 00:13:36,483 --> 00:13:38,878 Dwight, Owen, what are you guys gonna do if Joe's goes under? 251 00:13:38,902 --> 00:13:41,530 - Work at the airport again? - I ain't workin' no airport again. 252 00:13:41,613 --> 00:13:44,866 <i>[ Justin ] No, 'cause you hated it.</i> 253 00:13:44,950 --> 00:13:48,120 And, Steve, where do you go to do whatever is it that you do? 254 00:13:48,203 --> 00:13:51,373 <i>Garr. Joe's be the only place for Steve.</i> 255 00:13:51,456 --> 00:13:54,543 Garr! You're right! Do you see? 256 00:13:54,626 --> 00:13:57,879 And I'll tell you, there's no way I can go back to working out at my high school. 257 00:13:57,963 --> 00:14:00,108 It's just they'd laugh at me there, lock me in lockers... 258 00:14:00,132 --> 00:14:02,134 make me eat clay. 259 00:14:02,217 --> 00:14:04,720 But not here. Not at Joe's. 260 00:14:04,803 --> 00:14:07,931 <i>I need this place. You guys need this place.</i> 261 00:14:08,015 --> 00:14:10,976 Come on! 262 00:14:11,059 --> 00:14:14,980 I got it! I know how we can raise the money. 263 00:14:15,063 --> 00:14:17,649 - How? - Car wash! 264 00:14:17,733 --> 00:14:19,526 Ha-ha-ha! 265 00:14:19,609 --> 00:14:22,195 <i>[ Woman ] ♪ My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard ♪</i> 266 00:14:22,279 --> 00:14:24,364 <i>♪ And they're like it's better than yours ♪</i> 267 00:14:24,448 --> 00:14:26,366 <i>♪ Damn right It's better than yours ♪</i> 268 00:14:26,450 --> 00:14:28,577 <i>♪ I could teach you But I have to charge ♪</i> 269 00:14:28,660 --> 00:14:30,620 <i>♪ My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard ♪♪</i> 270 00:14:33,665 --> 00:14:37,753 I mean, what are the chances? Same day, right across the street? 271 00:14:37,836 --> 00:14:39,755 Come on. The girls beat us fair and square. 272 00:14:39,838 --> 00:14:43,050 Now, I for one am gonna be a gentleman about it and go over there... 273 00:14:43,133 --> 00:14:45,293 and congratulate each and every one of them personally. 274 00:14:45,343 --> 00:14:47,054 - Hi, purple. - Uh, guys? 275 00:14:47,137 --> 00:14:49,806 Guys? Uh, not to be a naysayer or anything... 276 00:14:49,890 --> 00:14:53,685 but the only customer we've had is that weird guy who keeps paying Justin to wash his truck. 277 00:14:59,316 --> 00:15:01,359 - That's it, boy. - [ Growling ] 278 00:15:01,443 --> 00:15:05,113 Get in there nice and deep-like. 279 00:15:05,197 --> 00:15:08,742 - [ Barking ] - Yeah, that's not good. 280 00:15:08,825 --> 00:15:10,494 Garr, this sucks! 281 00:15:18,126 --> 00:15:20,879 [ Screams ] 282 00:15:22,172 --> 00:15:25,717 Relax, Justin. It's just a cutout. 283 00:15:25,801 --> 00:15:29,179 At Globo Gym we're better than you, and we know it. 284 00:15:29,262 --> 00:15:32,224 Sign up now. 285 00:15:32,307 --> 00:15:34,559 Do you smell that fitness? I do. 286 00:15:34,643 --> 00:15:37,104 <i>Rock it and shock it, baby.</i> 287 00:15:37,187 --> 00:15:40,107 - You gotta burn it to earn it! - What's in the envelope? 288 00:15:40,190 --> 00:15:43,276 Free 30-day trial memberships to Globo Gym. 289 00:15:43,360 --> 00:15:47,197 - Cool. - It's a joke, Owen. He sent it to us as an insult. 290 00:15:47,280 --> 00:15:51,284 Maybe we could sell 'em for cash, 'cause the car wash actually cost us money. 291 00:15:51,368 --> 00:15:54,287 - So we're further away from saving this place? - Afraid so. 292 00:15:54,371 --> 00:15:56,665 - We're never gonna raise enough money. <i>- This blows.</i> 293 00:15:56,748 --> 00:15:58,959 Guys, I know this is tough to take... 294 00:15:59,042 --> 00:16:03,380 but if an impromptu car wash doesn't raise us the $50,000 we need to save this place... 295 00:16:03,463 --> 00:16:05,090 then I guess it just isn't in the cards. 296 00:16:05,173 --> 00:16:06,800 <i>Trust me here.</i> 297 00:16:06,883 --> 00:16:08,927 If there was any way, any way in the world... 298 00:16:09,010 --> 00:16:13,431 we could've raised $50,000 in 30 days short of robbing a bank, I'd do it. 299 00:16:13,515 --> 00:16:15,475 We could sell blood and semen. 300 00:16:15,559 --> 00:16:18,311 - Garr! - What? Not mixed together. 301 00:16:18,395 --> 00:16:22,232 Look, guys, I love the enthusiasm. I love the energy here. 302 00:16:22,315 --> 00:16:24,252 But we're looking at this thing here the wrong way. 303 00:16:24,276 --> 00:16:27,362 Let's start to celebrate the good times that was Joe's. 304 00:16:27,445 --> 00:16:30,407 We gotta start looking at this Irish-wake style. 305 00:16:30,490 --> 00:16:33,160 [ Groans ] 306 00:16:33,243 --> 00:16:37,497 <i>Let me be the first to say good-bye to Average Joe's.</i> 307 00:16:37,581 --> 00:16:41,585 We gave it a hell of a run, guys. Now, let's try to have some fun. 308 00:16:41,668 --> 00:16:44,671 I'm gonna go put on "The Thong Song," and we'll tear this place apart. 309 00:16:44,754 --> 00:16:48,133 Wait! Wait! Peter! Peter! 310 00:16:48,216 --> 00:16:50,468 We could play dodgeball. 311 00:16:50,552 --> 00:16:53,180 That's very nice, Gordon, but I just think everyone's tired. 312 00:16:53,263 --> 00:16:55,223 I really don't think playing a game's gonna help. 313 00:16:55,307 --> 00:16:57,475 No, no, we— we could play dodgeball. 314 00:16:57,559 --> 00:17:01,104 There's a tournament in Las Vegas. I feel so dumb I didn't think about it before. 315 00:17:01,188 --> 00:17:03,648 <i>I read about the Las Vegas International Dodgeball Open...</i> 316 00:17:03,732 --> 00:17:06,443 every single year in <i>Obscure Sports Quarterly.</i> 317 00:17:06,526 --> 00:17:09,088 Of course. I mean, that's a very-very common, totally common thing. 318 00:17:09,112 --> 00:17:13,491 <i>And the best part, it's open to any team that wins a regional qualifying match.</i> 319 00:17:13,575 --> 00:17:17,579 How the hell is dodgeball gonna get us the $50,000 we need to save this place? 320 00:17:17,662 --> 00:17:19,932 - 'Cause they have a cash prize for the first-place winner. - How much? 321 00:17:19,956 --> 00:17:22,459 $50,000! 322 00:17:22,542 --> 00:17:25,670 <i>Guys, we are not gonna get $50,000 for playing dodgeball.</i> 323 00:17:25,754 --> 00:17:28,965 - Why not? - First of all, none of us even know how to play dodgeball. 324 00:17:29,049 --> 00:17:31,551 I do. Yeah, we played it in P.E. last year. 325 00:17:31,635 --> 00:17:33,637 They showed us this film about it and everything. 326 00:17:33,720 --> 00:17:37,057 - Can you get your hands on that film? - Sure, I guess. 327 00:17:37,140 --> 00:17:39,809 <i>Guys, can we please try to be serious here for just one second?</i> 328 00:17:39,893 --> 00:17:42,187 You said anything we could do to raise the money, right? 329 00:17:42,270 --> 00:17:45,232 Well, this is that anything. This is it right here! 330 00:17:45,315 --> 00:17:48,693 Come on, guys. Show of hands. Who wants to play dodgeball? 331 00:17:48,777 --> 00:17:51,821 Come on! 332 00:17:54,032 --> 00:17:57,869 - Come on, Pete. - [ Sighs ] 333 00:17:57,953 --> 00:18:01,164 You guys had me at blood and semen. Come here. 334 00:18:04,793 --> 00:18:07,963 You want it, don't you, fat boy? 335 00:18:08,046 --> 00:18:12,842 You want that doughnut. Go ahead and have a bite. 336 00:18:12,926 --> 00:18:16,846 Just a little bite. One little bite won't hurt you. 337 00:18:16,930 --> 00:18:19,683 - [ Electrical Crackling ] - [ Screaming ] 338 00:18:22,060 --> 00:18:24,604 <i>Oh, mama!</i> 339 00:18:24,688 --> 00:18:26,690 Sir, Katherine Veatch is here to see you. 340 00:18:26,773 --> 00:18:29,776 [ Panting ] Give me 30 seconds, then send her in. 341 00:18:29,859 --> 00:18:31,361 Yes, sir. 342 00:18:47,252 --> 00:18:48,878 Thank you. 343 00:18:54,092 --> 00:18:56,136 Oh. Hello, Katherine. 344 00:18:56,219 --> 00:18:58,388 Good to see you. I didn't know you were dropping by. 345 00:18:58,471 --> 00:19:00,390 You asked me to come over. 346 00:19:00,473 --> 00:19:03,143 Did I? 347 00:19:03,226 --> 00:19:06,062 <i>Are you reading the dictionary?</i> 348 00:19:07,856 --> 00:19:09,816 You caught me. I like to break a mental sweat too. 349 00:19:09,899 --> 00:19:14,487 <i>Grab a chair. So, I trust everything's going swimmingly...</i> 350 00:19:14,571 --> 00:19:17,699 <i>with our acquisition of Average Joe's?</i> 351 00:19:17,782 --> 00:19:21,369 So far, yeah. I mean, there's a lot... 352 00:19:21,453 --> 00:19:23,496 to do over there, so I should probably get back. 353 00:19:23,580 --> 00:19:25,623 <i>That is a really interesting painting.</i> 354 00:19:25,707 --> 00:19:30,545 Oh. Thank you. Yeah, that's, uh— that's me taking the bull by the horns. 355 00:19:30,628 --> 00:19:34,382 <i>That's how I handle my business. It's a metaphor.</i> 356 00:19:34,466 --> 00:19:37,594 - I get it. - But that actually happened, though. 357 00:19:37,677 --> 00:19:41,681 <i>Anyway, we're a pretty tight-knit tribe here...</i> 358 00:19:41,765 --> 00:19:44,684 but there's always room for one more squaw. 359 00:19:44,768 --> 00:19:48,104 So please, whatever you do, don't think of me as your <i>boss.</i> 360 00:19:48,188 --> 00:19:50,857 - Oh, I don't. - I just don't wanna get into a formal thing here. 361 00:19:50,940 --> 00:19:54,903 I'm White, you know? I'm White. W-H-I-T... 362 00:19:56,237 --> 00:19:58,365 E. 363 00:19:58,448 --> 00:20:01,368 <i>Thanks, Mr. Goodman, but I'm contracted by the bank.</i> 364 00:20:01,451 --> 00:20:03,429 I mean, they just assigned me to your account, that's all. 365 00:20:03,453 --> 00:20:06,414 Right. Well, you work for the bank, bank works for me... 366 00:20:06,498 --> 00:20:09,459 so, ipso facto, I'm your boss. 367 00:20:09,542 --> 00:20:12,545 <i>Point is, I would love to see...</i> 368 00:20:12,629 --> 00:20:15,215 that pretty little bone structure of yours around here some more. 369 00:20:15,298 --> 00:20:18,176 I mean, there's no reason we need to be shackled... 370 00:20:18,259 --> 00:20:22,430 by the strictures of the employee-employer relationship. 371 00:20:22,514 --> 00:20:24,557 Unless, of course, you're into that sort of thing. 372 00:20:24,641 --> 00:20:26,935 <i>In which case, I got some shackles in the back.</i> 373 00:20:27,018 --> 00:20:31,731 [ Chuckles ] I'm just kidding. But seriously, I've got 'em. 374 00:20:31,815 --> 00:20:35,693 I'm just doing my job, Mr. Goodman. In fact... 375 00:20:35,777 --> 00:20:38,071 I actually... 376 00:20:38,154 --> 00:20:41,032 - prefer it over there. <i>- Really?</i> 377 00:20:41,116 --> 00:20:43,952 You like it with those freaks over there in Loser Town, huh? 378 00:20:44,035 --> 00:20:47,247 Freaks? They're not freaks. They're people, just like you and me. 379 00:20:47,330 --> 00:20:50,083 [ Chuckling ] People! 380 00:20:50,166 --> 00:20:52,544 People just like you and me. 381 00:20:52,627 --> 00:20:57,424 <i>Oh, man. That is what I love about you, Kate. You've got a personality.</i> 382 00:20:57,507 --> 00:20:59,759 Ah! That is rich. 383 00:20:59,843 --> 00:21:02,971 A real sauciness that I find... 384 00:21:03,054 --> 00:21:06,349 extremely attractive. 385 00:21:07,684 --> 00:21:10,645 - We should mate. - What? 386 00:21:10,728 --> 00:21:13,982 Date. I said we should date sometime. You know, socially. 387 00:21:14,065 --> 00:21:16,860 - Go out and kick it. - [ Gulps ] 388 00:21:16,943 --> 00:21:19,279 - Are you okay? - I'm fine. 389 00:21:19,362 --> 00:21:22,323 I just, uh, threw up in my mouth a little bit. 390 00:21:22,407 --> 00:21:26,911 Yeah, you know, in some cultures, they only eat vomit. 391 00:21:26,995 --> 00:21:30,790 I never been there, but I read about it in a book. 392 00:21:30,874 --> 00:21:34,586 I'm sorry, Mr. Goodman. I don't date clients. 393 00:21:36,337 --> 00:21:41,759 I get it. Don't crap where you eat. I understand. 394 00:21:41,843 --> 00:21:46,556 Me'Shell! Please escort Miss Veatch out. 395 00:21:46,639 --> 00:21:49,184 Oh, and Katherine. 396 00:21:49,267 --> 00:21:51,644 Make sure my acquisition of that gym goes smoothly. 397 00:21:51,728 --> 00:21:54,898 They're up to something over there. I can smell it. 398 00:21:57,859 --> 00:22:01,654 <i>[ Crotch Deflating ]</i> 399 00:22:01,738 --> 00:22:04,365 {\an8}[ Male Narrator ] Über-American Instructional Films... 400 00:22:04,449 --> 00:22:08,203 {\an8}teaching America's youth since 1938. 401 00:22:14,792 --> 00:22:16,878 <i>- [ Narrator ] Hey, there, Timmy!</i> - [ Gasps ] 402 00:22:16,961 --> 00:22:21,007 Holy mackerel, mister. You scared the jeepers out of me. 403 00:22:21,090 --> 00:22:24,511 <i>How would you like to take a break from that fine lead-based paint...</i> 404 00:22:24,594 --> 00:22:27,972 <i>- and learn about dodgeball?</i> - Boy, would I! 405 00:22:30,308 --> 00:22:33,311 Wow! Where am I, mister? 406 00:22:33,394 --> 00:22:35,396 <i>You're in a Chinese opium den, Timmy.</i> 407 00:22:35,480 --> 00:22:38,858 <i>This is where the sport of dodgeball was invented in the 15th century...</i> 408 00:22:38,942 --> 00:22:41,277 <i>by opium-addicted Chinamen.</i> 409 00:22:41,361 --> 00:22:45,573 <i>But back then, the Chinamen threw severed human heads at each other...</i> 410 00:22:45,657 --> 00:22:48,284 <i>instead of the A.D.A.A.-approved balls we use today.</i> 411 00:22:50,662 --> 00:22:52,413 A.D.A.A.? 412 00:22:52,497 --> 00:22:55,833 {\an8}<i>That's the American Dodgeball Association of America.</i> 413 00:22:55,917 --> 00:22:59,045 <i>Dodgeball is played with six players on each team...</i> 414 00:22:59,128 --> 00:23:01,464 <i>and six rubber balls.</i> 415 00:23:01,548 --> 00:23:05,051 <i>The object of the game is to eliminate the opposing players.</i> 416 00:23:05,134 --> 00:23:07,679 <i>Once all the players on one team are eliminated...</i> 417 00:23:07,762 --> 00:23:10,348 <i>- the opposing team wins! - Wow!</i> 418 00:23:10,431 --> 00:23:13,685 I can't wait to get the fellas together and play! 419 00:23:13,768 --> 00:23:18,398 <i>Whoa, whoa! Hang on a second there, sport.</i> 420 00:23:18,481 --> 00:23:21,609 - Patches O'Houlihan? <i>- [ Narrator ] That's right, Timmy.</i> 421 00:23:21,693 --> 00:23:25,280 <i>Patches O'Houlihan, the seven-time A.D.A.A. all-star...</i> 422 00:23:25,363 --> 00:23:27,865 <i>is here to take you the rest of the way.</i> 423 00:23:27,949 --> 00:23:31,452 - Jeepers! Really? - You betcha, champ. 424 00:23:31,536 --> 00:23:36,791 If you catch a ball that's thrown at you before it hits the ground... 425 00:23:36,874 --> 00:23:39,460 <i>then the player who threw that ball is out, not you.</i> 426 00:23:39,544 --> 00:23:45,174 Plus, another player from your team gets to come back into the game! 427 00:23:45,258 --> 00:23:48,303 - It's a two-player swing. - Gee, thanks, Patches. 428 00:23:48,386 --> 00:23:50,972 I can't wait to start my own team at school. 429 00:23:51,055 --> 00:23:54,225 That-a-boy, tiger. But remember... 430 00:23:54,309 --> 00:23:58,938 dodgeball is a sport of violence, exclusion and degradation. 431 00:23:59,022 --> 00:24:02,150 So, when you're picking players in gym class... 432 00:24:02,233 --> 00:24:06,404 <i>remember to pick the bigger, stronger kids for your team.</i> 433 00:24:06,487 --> 00:24:10,408 That way, you can all gang up on the weaker ones... 434 00:24:10,491 --> 00:24:12,869 like Winston here. 435 00:24:14,912 --> 00:24:17,040 [ Laughing ] 436 00:24:17,123 --> 00:24:20,043 Nice one, son. You'll be an all-star yet. 437 00:24:20,126 --> 00:24:23,963 Just remember the five "D"s of dodgeball: 438 00:24:24,047 --> 00:24:28,301 dodge, duck, dip, dive and... dodge. 439 00:24:28,384 --> 00:24:31,429 Till next time, this is Patches O'Houlihan... 440 00:24:31,512 --> 00:24:33,806 saying take care of your balls... 441 00:24:33,890 --> 00:24:36,351 and they'll take care of you. 442 00:24:37,560 --> 00:24:39,604 Okay, guys, any questions? 443 00:24:39,687 --> 00:24:42,774 <i>Great. And, uh, just for your information...</i> 444 00:24:42,857 --> 00:24:45,753 I signed us up for the sub-regional qualifier tomorrow at the Waldorf Rec Center. 445 00:24:45,777 --> 00:24:47,737 But we haven't even practiced yet. 446 00:24:47,820 --> 00:24:51,616 We have to qualify for the Vegas Open, and tomorrow's regional's our last chance. 447 00:24:51,699 --> 00:24:53,761 All right, everyone, just relax. I've always found... 448 00:24:53,785 --> 00:24:57,205 the best way to learn a sport is by playing it anyway. 449 00:24:57,288 --> 00:25:00,667 Anyone needs me, I'll be in my office doing Mad Libs. 450 00:25:00,750 --> 00:25:04,420 Okay, thanks, Peter. Appreciate that a lot. Okay, I think everybody knows— 451 00:25:07,924 --> 00:25:10,385 Don't you have an office of your own? 452 00:25:10,468 --> 00:25:12,512 Yes, I do have an office of my own. 453 00:25:12,595 --> 00:25:14,972 I have a very nice office with a view and air conditioning. 454 00:25:15,056 --> 00:25:18,393 - Rub it in. - What I don't have in my office is a closet... 455 00:25:18,476 --> 00:25:21,187 <i>overflowing with 30 years of financial transactions...</i> 456 00:25:21,270 --> 00:25:23,439 devoid of any discernible filing system known to man. 457 00:25:23,523 --> 00:25:27,485 Hard to believe I only got a semester of junior college under my belt. 458 00:25:27,568 --> 00:25:33,116 For instance, do you realize you haven't collected any membership fees in 13 months? 459 00:25:33,199 --> 00:25:36,661 I'm curious. Is it strictly apathy, or do you really not have a goal in life? 460 00:25:36,744 --> 00:25:40,498 I found that if you have a goal that you might not reach it. 461 00:25:40,581 --> 00:25:44,335 <i>But if you don't have one, then you are never disappointed.</i> 462 00:25:44,419 --> 00:25:48,840 And I gotta tell ya, it feels phenomenal. 463 00:25:48,923 --> 00:25:53,010 - Well, I guess that makes sense in a really sad way. <i>- Sad?</i> 464 00:25:53,094 --> 00:25:55,054 You wanna know what's sad? 465 00:25:55,138 --> 00:25:57,974 - Six grown men playing dodgeball. <i>- [ Steve Laughing ]</i> 466 00:25:58,057 --> 00:26:00,893 <i>Okay, since I'm here, I'm gonna go ahead and probably do some abs.</i> 467 00:26:00,977 --> 00:26:03,688 Gonna shock it up. Gonna let it go. 468 00:26:03,771 --> 00:26:06,458 <i>You know, I like to work out all the time for this kind of sporting event.</i> 469 00:26:06,482 --> 00:26:09,503 <i>I gotta stretch it out. Gotta be limber and loose. That's the only way to play.</i> 470 00:26:09,527 --> 00:26:13,990 <i>Hey, you guys take vitamins? I take vitamins all the time. [ Continues, Indistinct ]</i> 471 00:26:15,324 --> 00:26:18,828 Hmm. Dodgeball, eh? 472 00:26:18,911 --> 00:26:23,958 Well, if Peter La Fleur thinks a few red rubber balls can save his sorry gym... 473 00:26:24,041 --> 00:26:27,003 well, he's in for quite a surprise. 474 00:26:35,178 --> 00:26:38,139 - Sorry I'm late, guys. - Hey, Pete. 475 00:26:38,222 --> 00:26:41,851 - Bad morning, boss? - They usually follow good nights, Dwight. 476 00:26:41,934 --> 00:26:44,103 Hey, Gordon, your family's here. 477 00:26:44,187 --> 00:26:47,148 - Where? - Right over there. <i>- Great!</i> 478 00:26:47,231 --> 00:26:49,233 <i>She knows I don't like it when she watches me.</i> 479 00:26:49,317 --> 00:26:51,486 - I get all nervous. - The kids take after you, Gord. 480 00:26:51,569 --> 00:26:53,613 Yeah. Well, she's their stepmother. 481 00:26:53,696 --> 00:26:56,816 <i>I remarried three years ago. You know, one of those Internet mail-order things.</i> 482 00:26:56,866 --> 00:26:59,786 - How's that working out for you? - Really great. 483 00:26:59,869 --> 00:27:02,580 - Good. - Really great. Hey, honey. 484 00:27:04,332 --> 00:27:07,460 "L" for love. Good times. 485 00:27:07,543 --> 00:27:09,504 "L" for love? That doesn't mean love, Gordon. 486 00:27:09,587 --> 00:27:12,423 No, it's— People have different translations for different things. 487 00:27:12,507 --> 00:27:16,761 That's a special bond you have with your mail-order wife. I think that's nice. It's fine. 488 00:27:16,844 --> 00:27:19,847 - How many teams are in this qualifier? - Uh, two. 489 00:27:19,931 --> 00:27:22,034 All we have to is beat this team and we're in the Vegas Open, right? 490 00:27:22,058 --> 00:27:24,644 - Yeah, yeah. - That seems pretty simple. - Who's the other team? 491 00:27:24,727 --> 00:27:26,687 Uh, I have it right here. Just a sec. 492 00:27:26,771 --> 00:27:30,024 Uh... Troop 417. 493 00:27:30,107 --> 00:27:33,361 Christ. We're playing Boy Scouts. 494 00:27:33,444 --> 00:27:35,238 Not quite. 495 00:27:43,913 --> 00:27:45,456 Bollocks! 496 00:27:50,753 --> 00:27:54,966 <i>[ Man ] Troop 417, ready? Average Joe's, ready?</i> 497 00:27:56,801 --> 00:27:58,469 <i>Set? Dodgeball!</i> 498 00:27:58,553 --> 00:28:01,389 [ Girls Screaming ] 499 00:28:05,184 --> 00:28:07,270 <i>♪♪ [ Woman Singing, Indistinct ]</i> 500 00:28:10,189 --> 00:28:12,441 <i>- [ Man ] You're out!</i> - [ Laughing ] 501 00:28:15,152 --> 00:28:18,072 - [ Groaning ] <i>- You're out!</i> 502 00:28:26,998 --> 00:28:29,417 I'm gonna send ya to hell! 503 00:28:30,543 --> 00:28:33,170 Come on, Pete! 504 00:28:37,049 --> 00:28:40,887 - Ow! - I'm really sorry. Are you all right? 505 00:28:40,970 --> 00:28:44,390 Why would you hit a girl? Why? 506 00:28:44,473 --> 00:28:46,517 I am so sorry. Are you okay? 507 00:28:46,601 --> 00:28:48,853 <i>[ Whistle Blowing ]</i> 508 00:28:48,936 --> 00:28:51,272 <i>Winner: Troop 417!</i> 509 00:28:51,355 --> 00:28:53,441 - Face! In your face! - [ Cheering, Shouting ] 510 00:28:53,524 --> 00:28:55,610 You're adopted. Your parents don't even love you. 511 00:29:00,323 --> 00:29:02,241 And now, without further ado... 512 00:29:02,325 --> 00:29:06,329 <i>it gives me great pleasure to award first—</i> 513 00:29:07,997 --> 00:29:12,251 Uh, I'm sorry. We— We have a bit of a problem here. 514 00:29:12,335 --> 00:29:16,422 Unfortunately for Troop 417... 515 00:29:16,505 --> 00:29:20,384 during the A.D.A.A. required random drug screening... 516 00:29:20,468 --> 00:29:23,137 <i>one of your player's urine tested positive for...</i> 517 00:29:23,220 --> 00:29:25,890 three separate types of anabolic steroids... 518 00:29:25,973 --> 00:29:29,894 <i>and a low-grade beaver tranquilizer.</i> 519 00:29:29,977 --> 00:29:34,607 <i>I'm afraid by rule your team must be disqualified.</i> 520 00:29:34,690 --> 00:29:36,984 Goddamn you, Bernice! Ooh! 521 00:29:37,068 --> 00:29:39,362 - [ Sobbing ] <i>- By the power vested in me...</i> 522 00:29:39,445 --> 00:29:43,783 I declare the winner of this year's dodgeball regional qualifying tournament... 523 00:29:43,866 --> 00:29:46,786 and grammar jamboree to be... 524 00:29:46,869 --> 00:29:48,663 <i>Average Joe's Gym.</i> 525 00:29:48,746 --> 00:29:51,457 [ Cheering ] 526 00:29:51,540 --> 00:29:53,334 - God! - [ Sobbing ] 527 00:30:00,216 --> 00:30:03,135 <i>All I'm saying to you, Kate, is that you can admit...</i> 528 00:30:03,219 --> 00:30:05,346 the real reason why you showed up today. 529 00:30:05,429 --> 00:30:07,974 <i>- It's okay.</i> - Like I said, I was in the neighborhood... 530 00:30:08,057 --> 00:30:10,685 and I just thought you guys could probably use a cheering section. 531 00:30:10,768 --> 00:30:14,146 Kate, if you wanna join the team, all you have to do is ask. 532 00:30:14,230 --> 00:30:17,525 Thank you, Peter. I don't. 533 00:30:17,608 --> 00:30:19,610 Then it's obvious that you dig me. 534 00:30:19,694 --> 00:30:22,488 <i>- You're hooked on La Fleur.</i> - Oh, God. 535 00:30:22,571 --> 00:30:24,740 <i>I've been through this many times. I'm sorry.</i> 536 00:30:24,824 --> 00:30:27,576 You can't stay away from me. I'm so stupid. 537 00:30:27,660 --> 00:30:30,121 All right, no, I'll admit that in spite of yourself... 538 00:30:30,204 --> 00:30:33,833 you have brief moments where you're not completely— 539 00:30:33,916 --> 00:30:36,877 <i>[ Peter ] What?</i> 540 00:30:36,961 --> 00:30:40,089 - Where I'm not completely what? <i>- [ White ] Pathetic.</i> 541 00:30:41,382 --> 00:30:43,426 <i>Oh, hey, White.</i> 542 00:30:43,509 --> 00:30:45,553 I didn't think that Nazi camp got out until 8:00. 543 00:30:45,636 --> 00:30:47,680 Did you decide to skip arts and crafts? 544 00:30:47,763 --> 00:30:51,017 Yes, I did. Oh, hello, Kate. 545 00:30:51,100 --> 00:30:53,894 I wasn't aware I was paying you to socialize. 546 00:30:53,978 --> 00:30:55,688 You're not. I'm off the clock. 547 00:30:55,771 --> 00:30:58,357 Well, isn't that convenient for you... 548 00:30:58,441 --> 00:31:00,776 <i>and the clock?</i> 549 00:31:00,860 --> 00:31:02,903 I just thought I'd drop by and congratulate you... 550 00:31:02,987 --> 00:31:04,989 on your victory by disqualification today... 551 00:31:05,072 --> 00:31:07,533 <i>and introduce you to the team that will be winning...</i> 552 00:31:07,616 --> 00:31:11,829 the Las Vegas International Dodgeball Open— my team. 553 00:31:11,912 --> 00:31:14,707 Allow me the pleasure of introducing you to... 554 00:31:14,790 --> 00:31:17,710 Blade... 555 00:31:17,793 --> 00:31:23,716 Laser, Blazer. 556 00:31:23,799 --> 00:31:26,761 I believe you've met my fitness consigliere, Me'Shell. 557 00:31:26,844 --> 00:31:29,138 - We've met. <i>- Oh, and I almost forgot.</i> 558 00:31:29,221 --> 00:31:31,515 Our last player. 559 00:31:31,599 --> 00:31:36,645 Meet Fran Stalinofskivitchdavitovichsky. 560 00:31:39,273 --> 00:31:41,525 Oh! 561 00:31:41,609 --> 00:31:45,029 <i>♪ Lady in red ♪</i> 562 00:31:46,614 --> 00:31:48,491 <i>In her home country of Romanovia...</i> 563 00:31:48,574 --> 00:31:50,910 dodgeball is the national sport... 564 00:31:50,993 --> 00:31:54,705 and her nuclear power plant's team won the championship five years running... 565 00:31:54,789 --> 00:32:00,419 <i>which makes her the deadliest woman on Earth with a dodgeball.</i> 566 00:32:00,503 --> 00:32:02,463 Ball me, Blazer. 567 00:32:02,546 --> 00:32:06,133 - Show them, Fran. - [ Yells ] 568 00:32:06,217 --> 00:32:09,261 ♪♪ [ Rock ] 569 00:32:09,345 --> 00:32:12,431 <i>And that's just her changeup.</i> 570 00:32:12,515 --> 00:32:14,642 <i>End of demo.</i> 571 00:32:14,725 --> 00:32:19,063 We are the Globo Gym Purple Cobras, and we will— 572 00:32:19,146 --> 00:32:22,108 we will rock you! 573 00:32:22,191 --> 00:32:25,027 [ All Hissing ] 574 00:32:25,111 --> 00:32:28,697 I think that guy might really be dead. 575 00:32:30,407 --> 00:32:32,368 Wait a minute. Wait-Wait-Wait a minute. 576 00:32:32,451 --> 00:32:34,703 How can you be entered in the Las Vegas Open? 577 00:32:34,787 --> 00:32:37,081 You didn't even win a regional qualifying match. 578 00:32:37,164 --> 00:32:40,501 Oh, my God! We never even won a regional qualifying match! 579 00:32:40,584 --> 00:32:42,795 Oh, yeah, now I remember. 580 00:32:42,878 --> 00:32:46,507 The dodgeball chancellor's an extremely personal friend of mine... 581 00:32:46,590 --> 00:32:49,844 and I helped him shed some unwanted poundage before beach season. 582 00:32:49,927 --> 00:32:53,430 <i>So you can close your little rule book on that one, Poindexter.</i> 583 00:32:53,514 --> 00:32:57,309 Look, White, we didn't come here to rumble. We came here to celebrate as a team. 584 00:32:57,393 --> 00:32:59,436 So if you don't mind, there's plenty of bar here... 585 00:32:59,520 --> 00:33:02,439 - for you and the Globo-nauts. - Team? [ Chuckles ] 586 00:33:02,523 --> 00:33:06,527 What team? Your best player thinks he's a pirate. 587 00:33:06,610 --> 00:33:08,445 Ahoy! That's it! 588 00:33:08,529 --> 00:33:10,698 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Okay, first of all... 589 00:33:10,781 --> 00:33:13,868 he is way more of a pirate than you will ever be. 590 00:33:13,951 --> 00:33:17,371 And secondly, we don't know who our best player is yet. 591 00:33:17,454 --> 00:33:20,666 We've only had one game. It could be any one of us at this point. 592 00:33:20,749 --> 00:33:22,793 That's great. Go ahead, make your jokes... 593 00:33:22,877 --> 00:33:26,172 Mr. Jokey Joke-maker. 594 00:33:26,255 --> 00:33:28,299 But let me hit you with some knowledge. 595 00:33:28,382 --> 00:33:30,801 You should quit now and save yourself the embarrassment... 596 00:33:30,885 --> 00:33:34,305 of losing with these losers in Las Vegas, La Fleur. 597 00:33:34,388 --> 00:33:37,600 Alliteration aside, I think I'll take my chances in the tournament. 598 00:33:37,683 --> 00:33:39,310 Yeah, you will take your chances. 599 00:33:39,393 --> 00:33:42,271 I know. I just said that. 600 00:33:42,354 --> 00:33:46,275 - I know you just said that. - Okay, I'm not sure where you're going with this. 601 00:33:46,358 --> 00:33:49,129 - Well, I'm not sure where you're going with this. - That's what I just said. 602 00:33:49,153 --> 00:33:51,989 - That's what I'm saying to you. - All right. 603 00:33:53,115 --> 00:33:55,117 Touché. 604 00:33:57,119 --> 00:33:59,496 Me and my squad are gonna split. 605 00:33:59,580 --> 00:34:01,957 <i>But we'll see you at the tournament. Oh, and La Fleur...</i> 606 00:34:02,041 --> 00:34:04,043 best bring your bib... 607 00:34:04,126 --> 00:34:06,545 'cause it's gonna get messy! 608 00:34:06,629 --> 00:34:09,757 [ All Shouting ] 609 00:34:09,840 --> 00:34:12,760 <i>Are you all right? You okay?</i> 610 00:34:14,553 --> 00:34:17,139 Let's bounce. Cobras! 611 00:34:18,599 --> 00:34:21,518 Garr! 612 00:34:21,602 --> 00:34:26,649 Okay, guys, let's just get ourselves cleaned up and head on home, all right? 613 00:34:33,030 --> 00:34:37,243 Hey, you. That was the worst damned display of dodgeball... 614 00:34:37,326 --> 00:34:39,370 I've seen in 40 years. 615 00:34:39,453 --> 00:34:42,748 If you wanna have dodgeball victory, you gotta grab it by its haunches... 616 00:34:42,831 --> 00:34:45,084 and you gotta hump it into submission. 617 00:34:45,167 --> 00:34:48,420 - That's the only way. - Okay, crazy guy. 618 00:34:48,504 --> 00:34:50,547 I'm-I'm gonna go home now. 619 00:34:50,631 --> 00:34:53,008 I ain't crazy, and I ain't a guy. 620 00:34:54,218 --> 00:34:57,263 The name's Patches O'Houlihan. 621 00:34:57,346 --> 00:35:01,684 - I'm your new coach. <i>- [ Dwight ] Patches O'Houlihan?</i> 622 00:35:01,767 --> 00:35:04,728 - The guy from the dodgeball film? - Yeah, he said he wants to coach us. 623 00:35:04,812 --> 00:35:07,648 - And you said yes? - Look, I figured having the steady hand... 624 00:35:07,731 --> 00:35:10,150 of a seasoned dodgeball coach could only benefit us, Dwight. 625 00:35:10,234 --> 00:35:13,445 All right, all right. But he's not weird or anything, is he? 626 00:35:13,529 --> 00:35:17,366 - No! No, he's totally normal. <i>- [ Door Opens ]</i> 627 00:35:26,750 --> 00:35:29,920 Ahh! I love the smell of queef in the morning. 628 00:35:30,004 --> 00:35:32,881 I mean, you know, normal for us. 629 00:35:32,965 --> 00:35:36,802 - Line up, ladies! - What does he mean, line up? 630 00:35:36,885 --> 00:35:40,764 - Now! - Aah! 631 00:35:40,848 --> 00:35:44,852 If you're gonna learn to be true dodgeballers... 632 00:35:44,935 --> 00:35:48,647 then you've got to learn the five "D"s of dodgeball: 633 00:35:48,731 --> 00:35:51,942 <i>dodge, duck, dip, dive and dodge.</i> 634 00:35:52,026 --> 00:35:57,906 <i>If you master the five "D"s, no amount of balls on Earth can hit you.</i> 635 00:35:59,158 --> 00:36:02,661 - Queer bait, go ahead. - Me, or— 636 00:36:02,745 --> 00:36:04,663 Yeah, um, shouldn't we, like... 637 00:36:04,747 --> 00:36:07,416 learn by dodging balls that are thrown at us, or— 638 00:36:07,499 --> 00:36:10,878 That's what this sack of wrenches is for. 639 00:36:16,008 --> 00:36:18,844 <i>If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball.</i> 640 00:36:18,927 --> 00:36:21,013 What? 641 00:36:21,096 --> 00:36:23,390 [ Groans ] 642 00:36:26,894 --> 00:36:30,689 <i>[ Groaning Loudly ]</i> 643 00:36:30,773 --> 00:36:32,608 Any other questions? 644 00:36:32,691 --> 00:36:34,902 Oh, my God! 645 00:36:34,985 --> 00:36:37,571 Yeah. Uh, Patches, are you sure... 646 00:36:37,654 --> 00:36:40,115 that this is completely necessary? 647 00:36:40,199 --> 00:36:43,202 Necessary? 648 00:36:43,285 --> 00:36:45,913 Is it necessary for me to drink my own urine? 649 00:36:45,996 --> 00:36:48,082 - Probably not. <i>- No!</i> 650 00:36:48,165 --> 00:36:52,169 But I do it anyway, because it's sterile and I like the taste. 651 00:36:52,252 --> 00:36:55,923 - Okay. <i>- And if you're going to lead this squad, La Fleur...</i> 652 00:36:56,006 --> 00:36:59,343 you got to learn to do the dance in the dark. 653 00:36:59,426 --> 00:37:02,054 Here, put that on. 654 00:37:02,137 --> 00:37:04,556 All right, ladies, buckle up! 655 00:37:04,640 --> 00:37:06,183 It's showtime! 656 00:37:06,266 --> 00:37:08,018 <i>♪♪ [ Rock ]</i> 657 00:37:08,102 --> 00:37:11,480 Dodge! Duck! Dip! Dive! 658 00:37:11,563 --> 00:37:13,649 - [ Groans ] - Duck! 659 00:37:13,732 --> 00:37:15,442 - Aah! - Dive! 660 00:37:15,526 --> 00:37:18,320 - Aah! <i>- Dip! Dive!</i> 661 00:37:18,404 --> 00:37:20,697 - Dive! - Aah! 662 00:37:20,781 --> 00:37:25,494 <i>I've got three weeks to whip you suck-ass failure junkies into shape!</i> 663 00:37:25,577 --> 00:37:29,164 Come on! I get better runs in my shorts! 664 00:37:29,248 --> 00:37:32,084 Catch a ball, one of their guys goes out... 665 00:37:32,167 --> 00:37:34,962 one of our guys comes back in. 666 00:37:35,045 --> 00:37:38,298 <i>That's the way you hurt 'em. That's the way you win.</i> 667 00:37:40,759 --> 00:37:42,886 Let's go! A little hustle here! 668 00:37:42,970 --> 00:37:44,721 [ Blowing Whistle ] 669 00:37:49,435 --> 00:37:51,353 [ Chattering, Indistinct ] 670 00:37:56,108 --> 00:38:00,195 <i>Come on! Only 19 miles to go.</i> 671 00:38:00,279 --> 00:38:02,197 Ha-ha! 672 00:38:03,615 --> 00:38:06,618 - Attaboy! - Aah! 673 00:38:06,702 --> 00:38:08,745 - Next man! - [ Air Horn Blows ] 674 00:38:08,829 --> 00:38:11,015 Uh, good luck to you, Gordon. I want you to remember now... 675 00:38:11,039 --> 00:38:13,876 - that it's 90% mental. - Okey dokey. 676 00:38:13,959 --> 00:38:17,421 <i>[ Patches ] If you can dodge traffic, you can dodge a ball.</i> 677 00:38:17,504 --> 00:38:21,008 [ Horns Honking ] 678 00:38:21,091 --> 00:38:24,511 - You got it, Gordon. - [ Yelling ] 679 00:38:24,595 --> 00:38:26,930 Ooh, God! 680 00:38:27,014 --> 00:38:30,142 I'm fine! I'm okay! 681 00:38:30,225 --> 00:38:32,478 - Okay. - I'm fine. 682 00:38:32,561 --> 00:38:35,272 Ooh! 683 00:38:37,107 --> 00:38:40,027 - Ow, man! - Wake up, Smithy! 684 00:38:40,110 --> 00:38:42,404 <i>[ Whistle Blowing ]</i> 685 00:38:45,324 --> 00:38:50,370 <i>Holy hell, son, you're about as useful as a cock-flavored lollipop.</i> 686 00:38:50,454 --> 00:38:53,499 <i>Quick feet! Fast hands!</i> 687 00:38:53,582 --> 00:38:55,542 <i>Catch it and throw!</i> 688 00:38:55,626 --> 00:38:58,921 <i>Pick up the pace! All right!</i> 689 00:38:59,004 --> 00:39:02,090 <i>What a bunch of females!</i> 690 00:39:04,176 --> 00:39:07,596 <i>Jesus! Give me that.</i> 691 00:39:09,223 --> 00:39:12,059 You couldn't hit water if you fell out of a boat. 692 00:39:12,142 --> 00:39:15,187 Where's your killer instinct, son? You gotta get angry! 693 00:39:15,270 --> 00:39:18,857 You gotta get mean! That's the only way you can play. 694 00:39:18,941 --> 00:39:22,277 Well, I guess I'm not really an angry person. 695 00:39:22,361 --> 00:39:25,322 Aah! Ow! 696 00:39:25,405 --> 00:39:27,783 - Ooh! - Are you angry now? 697 00:39:29,368 --> 00:39:31,328 - Breathe it out. You all right? <i>- Come on!</i> 698 00:39:31,411 --> 00:39:34,456 - Let's get going here! <i>- I'm okay.</i> 699 00:39:41,255 --> 00:39:43,799 Little help? 700 00:39:52,432 --> 00:39:55,811 What? Eight years of softball. 701 00:39:55,894 --> 00:39:59,690 - Man, she gotta be a lesbian. - She is not a lesbian. 702 00:39:59,773 --> 00:40:03,610 All I know is, that dyke can play. 703 00:40:13,996 --> 00:40:16,248 Come on. Come on! 704 00:40:16,331 --> 00:40:18,417 - Please? - We need you. 705 00:40:18,500 --> 00:40:21,062 - You're really good. - Yeah. Owen will be team manager if you play. 706 00:40:21,086 --> 00:40:23,672 - I will? - Shut up. 707 00:40:23,755 --> 00:40:26,592 Look, guys, I find White Goodman creepy just like you do. 708 00:40:26,675 --> 00:40:29,428 - All the more reason for you to join us. <i>- [ Peter ] Come on, Kate.</i> 709 00:40:29,511 --> 00:40:31,597 Time to put your mouth where our balls are. 710 00:40:31,680 --> 00:40:35,976 Sorry, I can't. I'm under contract. It would be a conflict of interest. 711 00:40:36,059 --> 00:40:38,186 Suit yourself. 712 00:40:38,270 --> 00:40:40,981 <i>[ Patches ] All right, guys, you heard Billie Jean King.</i> 713 00:40:41,064 --> 00:40:44,901 No crying in the breast milk. We got plenty of work to do. Let's go. 714 00:40:44,985 --> 00:40:48,280 <i>[ Owen ] Ah, man!</i> 715 00:40:48,363 --> 00:40:50,782 [ Man ] Now we've punched the pizza dough down... 716 00:40:50,866 --> 00:40:52,909 and it's time to sauce it up. 717 00:40:52,993 --> 00:40:54,953 - Oh, boy, is my mouth watering. - [ Sniffing ] 718 00:40:55,037 --> 00:40:57,140 You're gonna wanna put a big dollop of that tangy red... 719 00:40:57,164 --> 00:41:00,375 dead center on the dough, then use the cheese to shove it to the edge. 720 00:41:00,459 --> 00:41:03,337 <i>- [ White ] Oh, yeah.</i> - Sir, I think you should take a look at— Whoa! 721 00:41:03,420 --> 00:41:06,715 Uh— What— What— 722 00:41:08,216 --> 00:41:10,177 What have I said about knocking? Hmm? 723 00:41:10,260 --> 00:41:12,679 <i>- Always knock!</i> - Whoa! Sorry, sir. 724 00:41:12,763 --> 00:41:15,307 What is so important that you need to... 725 00:41:15,390 --> 00:41:18,185 interrupt me during my private reflection period? 726 00:41:18,268 --> 00:41:20,729 These. 727 00:41:24,900 --> 00:41:29,529 - They're getting better. - Yes, I can see that, Me'Shell. 728 00:41:29,613 --> 00:41:31,823 I'm through playing games. 729 00:41:31,907 --> 00:41:34,076 It's time to end this square dance once and for all. 730 00:41:34,159 --> 00:41:36,328 What about the girl? She can throw. 731 00:41:36,411 --> 00:41:40,832 Well, I'll simply have to woo Kate a bit sooner than nature intended. 732 00:41:40,916 --> 00:41:43,502 But rest assured, Me'Shell... 733 00:41:43,585 --> 00:41:49,091 there's no resistin' when White Goodman puts on his shiny shoes. 734 00:41:53,136 --> 00:41:55,639 <i>♪ Tonto, jump on it Jump on it ♪</i> 735 00:41:55,722 --> 00:41:57,891 <i>♪ Jump on it ♪</i> 736 00:42:01,561 --> 00:42:04,189 <i>♪ Apache, jump on it Jump on it ♪</i> 737 00:42:04,272 --> 00:42:06,608 <i>[ Whooping ]</i> 738 00:42:08,777 --> 00:42:10,737 <i>- ♪♪ [ Ends ] - [ Katherine ] Who is it?</i> 739 00:42:10,821 --> 00:42:14,199 It's White. 740 00:42:14,282 --> 00:42:17,869 - Surprise. - White. 741 00:42:17,953 --> 00:42:22,332 Uh, what— what are you— what are you doing here? 742 00:42:22,416 --> 00:42:24,543 How do you, uh, know where I live? 743 00:42:24,626 --> 00:42:27,003 It's called the Freedom of Information Act, Kate. 744 00:42:27,087 --> 00:42:29,047 The hippies finally got something right. 745 00:42:29,131 --> 00:42:31,258 [ Chuckles ] Just kiddin', but not really. 746 00:42:31,341 --> 00:42:34,594 Hey, I got some great news. Sit down. 747 00:42:34,678 --> 00:42:39,599 - [ Sighs ] What is it? - You're fired. 748 00:42:39,683 --> 00:42:42,519 - I'm what? - You're fired. I called up the bank... 749 00:42:42,602 --> 00:42:45,498 and told 'em that you were stealing and drinking on the job, and they bought it. 750 00:42:45,522 --> 00:42:48,692 Can you believe it? They assigned some other Johnny Pencil-pusher to my account. 751 00:42:48,775 --> 00:42:50,986 Why would you do that? 752 00:42:51,069 --> 00:42:53,655 I'm here to begin my courtship with you, Kate. 753 00:42:53,739 --> 00:42:56,283 You fired me so I'd date you? 754 00:42:56,366 --> 00:42:58,535 Uh-huh. 755 00:42:58,618 --> 00:43:01,329 - You are a crazy little man. - Come on, Kate. 756 00:43:01,413 --> 00:43:03,224 I know you've been hiding some feelings for me. 757 00:43:03,248 --> 00:43:05,584 Oh. Yeah, nausea! 758 00:43:05,667 --> 00:43:08,938 If you don't get off my porch in two seconds, you're gonna know exactly how that feels. 759 00:43:08,962 --> 00:43:13,508 Ooh-hoo! You like the freaky stuff, huh? That's cool. 760 00:43:14,926 --> 00:43:17,888 Well, I can be naughty too. 761 00:43:17,971 --> 00:43:21,933 Real freaky naughty. Ooh. 762 00:43:22,017 --> 00:43:25,479 - You a naughty freak? - You need some help leaving, White? 763 00:43:25,562 --> 00:43:27,898 This doesn't concern you, La Fleur. 764 00:43:27,981 --> 00:43:30,066 Not nearly as much as your hair does. 765 00:43:30,150 --> 00:43:34,196 That's for sure. But, uh, I believe she asked you to leave. 766 00:43:37,199 --> 00:43:39,284 I get it. 767 00:43:39,367 --> 00:43:41,912 You caught the scent of a lesser stag in your nostrils. 768 00:43:41,995 --> 00:43:44,581 <i>Pity.</i> 769 00:43:44,664 --> 00:43:46,583 I'll let you have your little moment, La Fleur. 770 00:43:46,666 --> 00:43:49,294 'Cause after this tournament, your gym... 771 00:43:49,377 --> 00:43:54,049 your life and your gal are gonna be mine. 772 00:43:54,132 --> 00:43:56,259 All mine. 773 00:43:56,343 --> 00:43:59,095 To be continued— Aah! Oh! 774 00:43:59,179 --> 00:44:01,848 You don't get to touch me ever! 775 00:44:01,932 --> 00:44:04,392 Okay, Romeo, let me help you up. 776 00:44:04,476 --> 00:44:08,063 - Get off of me! Don't you touch me! - Whoa! 777 00:44:10,273 --> 00:44:13,235 It is over between us, Kate. 778 00:44:13,318 --> 00:44:17,239 Nobody makes me bleed my own blood. Nobody! 779 00:44:30,627 --> 00:44:32,671 Well, at least that wasn't weird. 780 00:44:32,754 --> 00:44:35,924 - Yeah. - Do I smell cookies? 781 00:44:36,007 --> 00:44:39,928 <i>- Hey!</i> - Dear Barbara. 782 00:44:48,270 --> 00:44:50,188 I like unicorns. 783 00:44:50,272 --> 00:44:52,524 Wow. 784 00:44:52,607 --> 00:44:55,193 Look, I know you said no to joining the team... 785 00:44:55,277 --> 00:44:58,864 but I'd like you to reconsider as a personal favor to me. 786 00:44:58,947 --> 00:45:00,907 - Look, Peter— - Look, before you answer... 787 00:45:00,991 --> 00:45:03,636 I think it's important for you to know you'd have your own changing room. 788 00:45:03,660 --> 00:45:05,871 - Really? - Sort of. 789 00:45:05,954 --> 00:45:09,374 - Mmm. - Oh, and, uh, there's also this. 790 00:45:09,457 --> 00:45:12,419 - Oh. Okay, what's this? - I overdid. 791 00:45:14,963 --> 00:45:17,090 Oh, look at you. 792 00:45:17,173 --> 00:45:20,385 Two expired movie passes, and a coupon... 793 00:45:20,468 --> 00:45:23,847 for one free back rub from Peter La Fleur. 794 00:45:23,930 --> 00:45:25,700 Play your cards right, that could turn into a full-body. 795 00:45:25,724 --> 00:45:28,018 Okay, will you just stop, please? 796 00:45:28,101 --> 00:45:32,397 I don't want your perk package. I don't want your back rub. 797 00:45:32,480 --> 00:45:35,901 I just wanna see the look on White Goodman's face when we win that tournament. 798 00:45:35,984 --> 00:45:39,613 - You're in? - I'm in. 799 00:45:43,033 --> 00:45:45,410 <i>[ Male Announcer ] Las Vegas. A city built of hot sand...</i> 800 00:45:45,493 --> 00:45:48,121 <i>broken dreams and five-dollar lobster.</i> 801 00:45:48,204 --> 00:45:51,875 <i>A city where you can get a happy ending, but only if you pay a little extra.</i> 802 00:45:51,958 --> 00:45:54,961 <i>A city home to a sporting event greater than the World Cup...</i> 803 00:45:55,045 --> 00:45:58,798 <i>World Series and World War II combined.</i> 804 00:45:58,882 --> 00:46:01,217 - [ Roaring ] <i>- Live from Las Vegas...</i> 805 00:46:01,301 --> 00:46:03,887 <i>it's the Las Vegas International Dodgeball Open...</i> 806 00:46:03,970 --> 00:46:06,765 <i>here on ESPN 8, the</i> Ocho.... 807 00:46:06,848 --> 00:46:11,728 <i>bringing you the finest in seldom-seen sports from around the globe since 1999.</i> 808 00:46:11,811 --> 00:46:15,273 <i>If it's almost a sport, we've got it here.</i> 809 00:46:15,357 --> 00:46:18,610 {\an8}<i>Hello, everybody and welcome to this year's annual...</i> 810 00:46:18,693 --> 00:46:20,946 {\an8}<i>Las Vegas International Dodgeball Open...</i> 811 00:46:21,029 --> 00:46:24,324 {\an8}<i>brought to you exclusively here on ESPN 8, the</i> Ocho. 812 00:46:24,407 --> 00:46:28,161 We're coming to you live from the Las Vegas University Learning Annex. 813 00:46:28,244 --> 00:46:31,081 {\an8}My name is Cotton McKnight, and with me as always... 814 00:46:31,164 --> 00:46:33,833 {\an8}is my partner in crime, Pepper Brooks. 815 00:46:33,917 --> 00:46:36,002 - Pep. - Yeah, Cotton. Hey. 816 00:46:36,086 --> 00:46:38,463 {\an8}Everybody, 32 teams in play. 817 00:46:38,546 --> 00:46:41,466 {\an8}That means four wins is gonna get you in the final match... 818 00:46:41,549 --> 00:46:45,261 with that fifth win gettin' you the 50-K that everyone's chasin'. 819 00:46:45,345 --> 00:46:48,848 - Cotton! - Well, there's an electricity in the air, folks. 820 00:46:48,932 --> 00:46:51,810 A palpable hue of anticipation. 821 00:46:51,893 --> 00:46:55,355 Immortality five simple victories away. 822 00:46:55,438 --> 00:46:58,692 <i>They've come from all over the globe, from Kathmandu to Timbuktu...</i> 823 00:46:58,775 --> 00:47:04,447 <i>and all points in between to compete in the one true human test— dodgeball.</i> 824 00:47:13,957 --> 00:47:15,917 [ Speaking German ] 825 00:47:16,001 --> 00:47:18,878 [ All ] Hasselhoff! 826 00:47:18,962 --> 00:47:21,965 <i>- [ Blows Landing ] - [ Man Groaning ]</i> 827 00:47:29,264 --> 00:47:31,850 - Hey. - Hey. What's in the box? 828 00:47:31,933 --> 00:47:36,521 Guys, I figured a real dodgeball team needs real dodgeball uniforms. 829 00:47:36,604 --> 00:47:40,692 And so I threw out those old ratty ones and designed these myself. 830 00:47:40,775 --> 00:47:44,112 All right! Now we get our thing going on. Maybe we start smacking each other. 831 00:47:44,195 --> 00:47:47,282 I hope everything fits. 832 00:47:48,783 --> 00:47:51,578 - Wait. - Nice. 833 00:47:51,661 --> 00:47:53,913 This isn't right. 834 00:47:54,831 --> 00:47:57,000 This isn't what I ordered! 835 00:47:57,083 --> 00:47:59,502 <i>♪ I might like you better if we slept together ♪</i> 836 00:47:59,586 --> 00:48:01,522 <i>- ♪ I might like you better if we slept together ♪</i> - What's this? 837 00:48:01,546 --> 00:48:04,549 What the hell is that? This is screwed up! 838 00:48:04,632 --> 00:48:06,676 This is great! What are we supposed to do now? 839 00:48:06,760 --> 00:48:09,179 Don't worry. We'll play in what we've got on, right? 840 00:48:09,262 --> 00:48:12,974 No, we can't. A.D.A.A. rules require we wear matching uniforms. 841 00:48:13,058 --> 00:48:15,351 Well, I don't think they require... 842 00:48:15,435 --> 00:48:19,189 - ass-less chaps, okay? - Look, everyone, can we calm down here for a second? 843 00:48:19,272 --> 00:48:22,001 We're gonna have plenty of time to find other uniforms before we have to play. 844 00:48:22,025 --> 00:48:26,154 <i>Ladies, ladies, we gotta get on the court or we're gonna forfeit the game!</i> 845 00:48:26,237 --> 00:48:30,116 <i>Come on! Let's go! Let's see some movement! Chop-chop!</i> 846 00:48:30,200 --> 00:48:32,243 I don't see any movement! Let's go! 847 00:48:32,327 --> 00:48:34,579 <i>♪ I like the way you're movin' ♪</i> 848 00:48:34,662 --> 00:48:37,165 <i>♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪</i> 849 00:48:37,248 --> 00:48:39,959 <i>♪ I just get into the groove thing ♪</i> 850 00:48:40,043 --> 00:48:43,088 <i>♪ There's something about you ♪</i> 851 00:48:43,171 --> 00:48:45,799 <i>How about those dodgeball dancers, folks?</i> 852 00:48:45,882 --> 00:48:49,803 - That is some good, clean family fun there, eh, Cot? - Right you are. 853 00:48:49,886 --> 00:48:52,097 - Here comes Germany's Team Blitzkrieg. <i>- ♪♪ [ Rock ]</i> 854 00:48:52,180 --> 00:48:55,767 <i>The reigning European champ hopes to extend their empire here on American soil.</i> 855 00:48:55,850 --> 00:48:57,811 <i>Appeasement be damned!</i> 856 00:48:57,894 --> 00:49:01,481 <i>And here comes the relatively unknown challengers...</i> 857 00:49:01,564 --> 00:49:06,820 a regional qualifying team, Average Joe's Gymnasium. 858 00:49:06,903 --> 00:49:08,863 <i>♪♪ [ Stops ]</i> 859 00:49:08,947 --> 00:49:11,574 <i>[ Cheering Stops ]</i> 860 00:49:15,370 --> 00:49:18,581 Oh, my sweet Jesus. 861 00:49:18,665 --> 00:49:20,125 That's rad. 862 00:49:20,208 --> 00:49:23,586 <i>Hey, asshole, you guys suck!</i> 863 00:49:23,670 --> 00:49:27,507 Thank you. Nice-Nice to be in Vegas. Uh, hi. 864 00:49:27,590 --> 00:49:31,386 <i>We're all here and, um, we are ready to play.</i> 865 00:49:34,222 --> 00:49:37,642 - Okay. - Okay. 866 00:49:37,725 --> 00:49:41,020 <i>[ Cotton ] And we get our first glimpse of the Average Joe's squad...</i> 867 00:49:41,104 --> 00:49:43,731 <i>sporting some unwieldy uniforms.</i> 868 00:49:43,815 --> 00:49:45,835 <i>[ Pepper ] I feel like I'm watching a Cher video, Cotton.</i> 869 00:49:45,859 --> 00:49:47,861 - Average Joe's ready? - Garr! 870 00:49:47,944 --> 00:49:49,904 - Blitzkrieg ready? - [ All Shout In German ] 871 00:49:49,988 --> 00:49:52,073 Dodgeball! 872 00:49:52,157 --> 00:49:56,327 <i>And we're underway! Average Joe's versus the heavily-favored German team.</i> 873 00:49:56,411 --> 00:49:58,913 <i>Of course, S&M gear first made popular...</i> 874 00:49:58,997 --> 00:50:03,793 <i>- by the lyric poet Sappho from the island of Lesbos.</i> - Clean hit! You're out! 875 00:50:03,877 --> 00:50:08,339 <i>[ Pepper ] Leather and latex belong in the bedroom, not on the dodgeball court, Cotton.</i> 876 00:50:08,423 --> 00:50:13,761 Where's that training? Dodge, duck, dip, dive, dodge! 877 00:50:13,845 --> 00:50:16,556 <i>[ Cotton ] Oh! Captain Peter La Fleur gets eliminated...</i> 878 00:50:16,639 --> 00:50:19,517 <i>and Coach O'Houlihan is not happy.</i> 879 00:50:19,601 --> 00:50:21,060 [ Yells ] 880 00:50:25,356 --> 00:50:27,775 <i>[ Pepper ] Ooh! I'll tell you what.</i> 881 00:50:27,859 --> 00:50:30,129 <i>- This Average Joe's team doesn't look up to snuff. - [ Whistle Blows ]</i> 882 00:50:30,153 --> 00:50:33,531 Mid-line infraction! You stepped over the line! You're out! 883 00:50:33,615 --> 00:50:36,075 Dan, the Average Joe's catches a break there. 884 00:50:36,159 --> 00:50:39,746 <i>But the Germans still dominating this Maginot Line-like defense.</i> 885 00:50:39,829 --> 00:50:41,974 <i>- [ Pepper ] Good toss by the submissive out there.</i> - You're out! 886 00:50:41,998 --> 00:50:46,669 <i>[ Cotton ] Just two players left for— Oh! Check that. Make it one.</i> 887 00:50:46,753 --> 00:50:49,631 Looks like Average Joe's might be heading home early. 888 00:50:49,714 --> 00:50:54,928 <i>It's all up to the only player without a "Y" chromosome— Kate Veatch.</i> 889 00:50:55,011 --> 00:50:57,597 <i>Oh! What a throw!</i> 890 00:50:57,680 --> 00:51:01,267 - Hold your phone. She's got a cannon. - Yes! 891 00:51:01,351 --> 00:51:05,563 - Come on! Come on, Kate! - You're the only man out there! Give it to 'em, baby! 892 00:51:05,688 --> 00:51:08,775 <i>[ Cotton ] The Germans have a two-one advantage. Oh! Great catch!</i> 893 00:51:08,858 --> 00:51:10,985 <i>And Peter La Fleur's back in the game.</i> 894 00:51:11,069 --> 00:51:13,071 How about that? It's a two-on-one switcheroo. 895 00:51:13,154 --> 00:51:15,448 <i>And now Joe's has the upper hand.</i> 896 00:51:15,531 --> 00:51:17,700 <i>- Great deflection.</i> - Take it to him! 897 00:51:17,784 --> 00:51:22,538 <i>- [ Cotton ] He's ball-less now! - [ Pepper ] He doesn't have any balls, Cotton!</i> 898 00:51:22,622 --> 00:51:25,500 Winner: Average Joe's! 899 00:51:25,583 --> 00:51:30,838 <i>Oh, my sweet dick! It's magic! All right!</i> 900 00:51:30,922 --> 00:51:33,341 <i>[ Cotton ] Oh, my, the Germans losing in the first round.</i> 901 00:51:33,424 --> 00:51:36,719 And Average Joe's wins in a shocking upset. 902 00:51:36,803 --> 00:51:39,430 I feel shocked. 903 00:51:39,514 --> 00:51:42,100 - Yeah! - We won! 904 00:51:42,183 --> 00:51:45,144 {\an8}[ Shouting In German ] 905 00:51:47,605 --> 00:51:50,191 Losers! 906 00:52:00,368 --> 00:52:04,414 You must be Daddy. 907 00:52:04,497 --> 00:52:08,126 <i>[ Cotton ] Average Joe's has shocked the dodgeball pundits...</i> 908 00:52:08,209 --> 00:52:11,587 <i>and made it to tomorrow's round, where we'll separate the wheat from the chaff...</i> 909 00:52:11,671 --> 00:52:13,548 <i>the men from the boys...</i> 910 00:52:13,631 --> 00:52:15,800 <i>and the awkwardly feminine from the possibly Canadian.</i> 911 00:52:15,883 --> 00:52:19,554 <i>So don't go anywhere, folks. It's just getting exciting.</i> 912 00:52:22,724 --> 00:52:24,892 - [ Grunts ] - What the hell? 913 00:52:24,976 --> 00:52:27,562 That guy's a dickhead. 914 00:52:33,401 --> 00:52:36,821 You wanted to see me, Patches? 915 00:52:36,904 --> 00:52:38,990 You did good out there. Real good. 916 00:52:39,073 --> 00:52:40,783 <i>You're a natural leader, La Fleur.</i> 917 00:52:40,867 --> 00:52:43,536 Those men and that muff-diver in there believe in you. 918 00:52:43,619 --> 00:52:47,081 - Kate's not a muff-diver— - Ahh, no. 919 00:52:48,458 --> 00:52:50,585 Hey. That's for you. 920 00:52:51,836 --> 00:52:53,880 I can't accept this, Patches. 921 00:52:53,963 --> 00:52:56,257 <i>You're a hell of a player, Peter. You earned it.</i> 922 00:52:57,717 --> 00:52:59,635 I got some hookers in my room. 923 00:52:59,719 --> 00:53:02,597 <i>What do you say we go celebrate? My treat.</i> 924 00:53:02,680 --> 00:53:05,933 No, thanks. I-I think I'll just stick with the scarf here, but thank you. 925 00:53:06,017 --> 00:53:08,227 Suit yourself, queer. 926 00:53:14,192 --> 00:53:18,112 [ Chattering ] 927 00:53:18,196 --> 00:53:20,198 - I'm sorry. - Justin? 928 00:53:20,281 --> 00:53:22,992 Amber. Jeez, Louise, what are you doin' here? 929 00:53:23,076 --> 00:53:25,411 We're here for the National Cheerleading Championships. 930 00:53:25,495 --> 00:53:27,955 Oh! Yeah, no doi, the N.C.C.'s. That's so awesome. 931 00:53:28,039 --> 00:53:30,792 We're in the finals tomorrow. What are you doing here? 932 00:53:30,875 --> 00:53:33,252 I'm in the dodgeball tournament. 933 00:53:33,336 --> 00:53:35,713 <i>Yeah, these are my teammates Dwight, Ms. Veatch, and, uh—</i> 934 00:53:35,797 --> 00:53:39,467 - Gordon. - Yeah. This is Amber, so— 935 00:53:39,550 --> 00:53:41,719 Come on, babe. I want to ride the roller coaster. 936 00:53:41,803 --> 00:53:43,805 Uh, hey, Derek. Sweet 'do, man. 937 00:53:43,888 --> 00:53:46,891 Get bent, helmet. Let's go, Amber. 938 00:53:46,974 --> 00:53:49,727 - It was nice to see you. And good luck tomorrow! - And I'll see you. 939 00:53:49,811 --> 00:53:52,397 You look... healthy. Uh, good. 940 00:53:52,480 --> 00:53:55,149 <i>- What? - [ Elevator Dings ]</i> 941 00:53:55,233 --> 00:53:57,944 Don't worry about that guy, Justin. He's a total jerk. 942 00:53:58,027 --> 00:54:01,489 Yeah. He'll probably fall off the roller coaster and break every bone in his body. 943 00:54:01,572 --> 00:54:04,283 - Nice, Dwight. - I'm just sayin', it happens. 944 00:54:04,367 --> 00:54:08,287 - My cousin Ray-Ray? Boop! Dead. - Thanks, man. 945 00:54:11,207 --> 00:54:14,627 {\an8}<i>- [ Blows Whistle ]</i> - Let's huddle up here! We got some work to do. 946 00:54:14,710 --> 00:54:18,005 <i>We got lucky in the first round.</i> 947 00:54:18,089 --> 00:54:20,299 We caught those dirty Krauts napping. 948 00:54:20,383 --> 00:54:23,886 <i>But that ain't gonna happen again, so blow out the horse hockey...</i> 949 00:54:23,970 --> 00:54:27,682 and remember what I taught you: blockers in the center, funneling; 950 00:54:27,765 --> 00:54:32,687 aim low; and will someone catch a goddamn ball? 951 00:54:32,770 --> 00:54:37,483 It's like watching a bunch of retards trying to fuck a doorknob out there. 952 00:54:37,567 --> 00:54:41,404 <i>Get it together! Let's play some dodgeball.</i> 953 00:54:41,487 --> 00:54:45,533 - Hands in. One, two, three, Joe's! - [ Together ] Joe's! 954 00:54:47,243 --> 00:54:49,495 - Average Joe's ready? - Yes! 955 00:54:49,579 --> 00:54:51,747 - Lumberjacks ready? - [ Imitate Starting Chainsaws ] 956 00:54:51,831 --> 00:54:54,226 - Dodgeball! <i>- [ Cotton ] Average Joe's has their work cut out...</i> 957 00:54:54,250 --> 00:54:56,544 <i>for them, facing these Lumberjacks in the second round.</i> 958 00:54:56,627 --> 00:55:00,214 <i>These woodsmen probably haven't even smelled a woman in eight months. Ooh!</i> 959 00:55:00,298 --> 00:55:02,383 <i>[ Pepper ] They must masturbate a lot, Cotton.</i> 960 00:55:02,467 --> 00:55:04,385 - [ Grunts ] - Clean hit! You're out! 961 00:55:04,469 --> 00:55:08,097 <i>[ Cotton ] Got him in the beer gut. And Average Joe's looking tough.</i> 962 00:55:08,181 --> 00:55:09,974 - Yes! - [ Laughing ] 963 00:55:10,057 --> 00:55:12,977 Yah! 964 00:55:13,060 --> 00:55:15,897 <i>Oh, now there's a souvenir for a lucky fan.</i> 965 00:55:18,191 --> 00:55:22,278 <i>Boom! Timber! Peter La Fleur nails him.</i> 966 00:55:22,361 --> 00:55:26,532 That's all she wrote, folks. And Average Joe's does some clear-cutting of their own... 967 00:55:26,616 --> 00:55:28,743 <i>and moves on to the quarter-final.</i> 968 00:55:30,453 --> 00:55:33,331 <i>Globo Gym hoping to drop an A-bomb here on the Kamikazes.</i> 969 00:55:33,414 --> 00:55:36,143 <i>[ Pepper ] I don't know how they can play in diapers, Cotton. I never could.</i> 970 00:55:36,167 --> 00:55:38,211 - [ Grunts ] - Peek-a-boo! 971 00:55:38,294 --> 00:55:42,340 <i>[ Cotton ] Oh, White Goodman, employing his patented peek-a-boo style attack...</i> 972 00:55:42,423 --> 00:55:45,051 <i>tells Suzuki Toyota Oshinawa, "This is my dojo."</i> 973 00:55:45,134 --> 00:55:48,221 <i>- Ooh!</i> - Is he gonna feel that tomorrow or what, Cotton? 974 00:55:48,304 --> 00:55:52,975 - Right in his beak! <i>- A relentless Globo Gym attack, led by...</i> 975 00:55:53,059 --> 00:55:54,977 <i>their Lilliputian leader, White Goodman.</i> 976 00:55:55,061 --> 00:55:58,272 <i>It's gotta be the hair, Cotton. It's beautiful.</i> 977 00:55:58,356 --> 00:56:01,776 <i>Feathered and lethal. You just don't see it nowadays.</i> 978 00:56:01,859 --> 00:56:07,865 - [ Grunts ] <i>- Whoa-ho! And Globo Gym says,</i> "Domo arigato, <i>Mr. Roboto</i>"... 979 00:56:07,949 --> 00:56:10,034 <i>and breezes into the semi-final.</i> 980 00:56:11,953 --> 00:56:14,997 <i>[ Referee ] Skillz That Killz, ready? Average Joe's ready?</i> 981 00:56:15,081 --> 00:56:19,335 - Dodgeball! <i>- Average Joe is plannin' to playa-hate Skillz That Killz...</i> 982 00:56:19,418 --> 00:56:22,547 <i>the inner-city champ for five years straight.</i> 983 00:56:22,630 --> 00:56:26,634 <i>Skillz might be looking past Average Joe's, doing a little more dancing than dodgeballing.</i> 984 00:56:26,717 --> 00:56:30,304 <i>[ Pepper ] They better chickity-check themselves before they wreck themselves, Cotton.</i> 985 00:56:30,388 --> 00:56:32,390 <i>[ Cotton ] Right you are, partner. Great catch!</i> 986 00:56:32,473 --> 00:56:36,352 <i>- La Fleur wheels and fires! Got him!</i> - [ Clanking ] 987 00:56:36,435 --> 00:56:39,146 Winner! Average Joe's! 988 00:56:39,230 --> 00:56:41,983 <i>[ Cotton ] And Average Joe's, not blinded by the bling-bling...</i> 989 00:56:42,066 --> 00:56:44,277 <i>advances to the semi-final!</i> 990 00:56:46,946 --> 00:56:51,158 <i>Globo Gym's making mincemeat of the Las Vegas Police Department.</i> 991 00:56:51,242 --> 00:56:54,662 - Oh! That's gotta hurt. - [ Screaming ] 992 00:56:54,745 --> 00:56:57,164 <i>[ Pepper ] Bu-Bu-Bu-Bull's-Eye!</i> 993 00:56:57,248 --> 00:56:59,584 <i>Winner! Globo Gym!</i> 994 00:56:59,667 --> 00:57:03,713 <i>[ Cotton ] Sportsmanship be darned! Globo Gym hands the Las Vegas Police Department...</i> 995 00:57:03,796 --> 00:57:06,882 <i>- a "187", and they're goin' to the finals!</i> - Cobra, Cobra, Cobra, yes! 996 00:57:10,011 --> 00:57:14,223 {\an8}<i>The Poughkeepsie State Flying Cougars are all over Average Joe's today.</i> 997 00:57:14,307 --> 00:57:16,493 <i>It just doesn't look good for them. The winner of this match...</i> 998 00:57:16,517 --> 00:57:20,313 <i>goes on to face Globo Gym in the finals, and right now it's all— Oh!</i> 999 00:57:20,396 --> 00:57:24,483 <i>- Right in the testicles.</i> - Ouch Town. Population: you, bro. 1000 00:57:24,567 --> 00:57:28,738 <i>- Average Joe's down to their final two players.</i> - Come on! 1001 00:57:28,821 --> 00:57:31,240 <i>- Peter La Fleur can't hold on!</i> - Clean hit! You're out! 1002 00:57:31,324 --> 00:57:34,285 - Time out! Gordy! - Time out! Time out! 1003 00:57:34,368 --> 00:57:36,829 - [ Whistles ] - Time! Time is out! 1004 00:57:36,912 --> 00:57:39,349 <i>[ Cotton ] It looks like the clock is about to strike midnight...</i> 1005 00:57:39,373 --> 00:57:43,252 <i>on this Cinderella story, turning Average Joe's into the proverbial pumpkin.</i> 1006 00:57:43,336 --> 00:57:47,173 I sure do like pumpkins, Cotton. 1007 00:57:47,256 --> 00:57:50,801 You ain't gonna be able to hit 'em. They're too good, and you suck something awful. 1008 00:57:50,885 --> 00:57:54,597 - Yes, sir. I sure do. - Our only shot is for you to get angry! 1009 00:57:54,680 --> 00:57:58,476 - Roger that. Okay. - All right. Hands in. 1010 00:57:58,559 --> 00:58:00,811 - One, two, three— Hit 'em! - [ All ] Joe's! 1011 00:58:00,895 --> 00:58:04,398 <i>[ Patches' Voice ] You've gotta get angry! Get angry now!</i> 1012 00:58:04,482 --> 00:58:07,443 <i>[ Cotton ] Gordon Pibb, alone facing five Cougars.</i> 1013 00:58:07,526 --> 00:58:10,363 - Oh, boy. <i>- It's all but the crying. Sayonara...</i> 1014 00:58:10,446 --> 00:58:13,407 <i>auf Wiedersehen, and good-bye.</i> 1015 00:58:14,450 --> 00:58:17,453 [ Laughing ] 1016 00:58:20,122 --> 00:58:23,376 [ Growling ] 1017 00:58:23,459 --> 00:58:25,544 [ Screaming ] 1018 00:58:25,628 --> 00:58:29,882 - Dodgeball! <i>- [ Cotton ] And let the dodgeball slaughter begin.</i> 1019 00:58:29,965 --> 00:58:34,637 <i>Good deflection there. Hanging on, and another one.</i> 1020 00:58:34,720 --> 00:58:36,722 <i>Three balls at once! Who knew?</i> 1021 00:58:36,806 --> 00:58:40,017 <i>Now it's four on one. Pibb is not going down without a fight!</i> 1022 00:58:40,101 --> 00:58:43,521 - That's it! <i>- You're kidding me!</i> 1023 00:58:43,604 --> 00:58:45,648 <i>[ Pepper ] He's calling them out!</i> 1024 00:58:45,731 --> 00:58:48,693 <i>[ Cotton ] Now it's two on one! Who would have thunk it?</i> 1025 00:58:48,776 --> 00:58:51,445 Go, you crazy son of a bitch! 1026 00:58:51,529 --> 00:58:53,656 <i>[ Cotton ] He's on the warpath!</i> 1027 00:58:55,825 --> 00:58:58,452 - [ Squeals ] <i>- Incredible! It's one on one!</i> 1028 00:58:58,536 --> 00:59:02,373 <i>- I can't believe it! - [ Pepper ] It's just not believable, Cotton.</i> 1029 00:59:02,456 --> 00:59:05,918 [ Screams ] 1030 00:59:10,631 --> 00:59:15,261 <i>- [ Referee ] Winner! - [ Cotton ] Average Joe's wins!</i> 1031 00:59:15,344 --> 00:59:19,890 <i>They are going to the finals to play Globo Gym for $50,000!</i> 1032 00:59:19,974 --> 00:59:22,727 <i>[ Pepper ] That'll buy you one heck of a blumpkin.</i> 1033 00:59:22,810 --> 00:59:25,247 <i>[ Cotton, Chuckling ] Right you are, Pep. To be honest, folks...</i> 1034 00:59:25,271 --> 00:59:29,358 <i>I never would have dreamed it possible, but with seven-time A.D.A.A. all-star...</i> 1035 00:59:29,442 --> 00:59:34,488 Patches O'Houlihan at the helm, I guess it must be the luck of the Irish. 1036 00:59:38,659 --> 00:59:42,621 Tomorrow, we're gonna pecker-slap those Globo Gym bastards! 1037 00:59:42,705 --> 00:59:44,933 - [ Laughing, Screaming ] Yeah! - You really think we can beat Globo Gym, Pete? 1038 00:59:44,957 --> 00:59:47,168 As long as we got Patches, we got a shot. 1039 00:59:52,423 --> 00:59:57,219 <i>- [ Electrical Buzzing ]</i> - [ Softly ] Oh, my God. 1040 00:59:57,303 --> 01:00:00,431 Well, it's probably the way he would have wanted to go. 1041 01:00:00,514 --> 01:00:02,558 - What? <i>- Guys!</i> 1042 01:00:02,641 --> 01:00:04,810 What are we gonna do without Patches? 1043 01:00:04,894 --> 01:00:07,062 We gonna get our taints handed to us, that's what! 1044 01:00:07,146 --> 01:00:10,191 - What's a taint? - I don't know. Sounds bad. 1045 01:00:11,692 --> 01:00:14,653 Maybe you should go say something to the guys. 1046 01:00:14,737 --> 01:00:17,239 Yeah. They don't really make a... 1047 01:00:17,323 --> 01:00:21,952 "Sorry your dodgeball coach just got crushed by two tons of irony" Hallmark card. 1048 01:00:24,163 --> 01:00:26,248 I'll be right back. 1049 01:00:33,631 --> 01:00:37,468 <i>¿Donde está la biblioteca, Pedro?</i> 1050 01:00:37,551 --> 01:00:41,180 - White? - We're opening a new Globo Gym in Mexico City. 1051 01:00:41,263 --> 01:00:46,435 - I been boning up on my Spanish. <i>- [ Toilet Flushing ]</i> 1052 01:00:46,519 --> 01:00:49,980 Me'Shell was having some digestive problems. I hope you don't mind. 1053 01:00:50,064 --> 01:00:52,358 Will you shut that? 1054 01:00:52,441 --> 01:00:55,069 For all of us, babe. 1055 01:00:57,947 --> 01:01:01,659 So that's the deal. I give you $100,000... 1056 01:01:01,742 --> 01:01:03,744 you sign over the deed to your gym. 1057 01:01:03,828 --> 01:01:07,289 Period. End o' story. 1058 01:01:07,373 --> 01:01:10,668 You really think you can come in here and buy me out, White? 1059 01:01:10,751 --> 01:01:13,212 - You're a lot dumber than I thought. - Hmph. 1060 01:01:13,295 --> 01:01:17,758 I don't think I'm a lot dumber than you thought that I think that I thought I was once. 1061 01:01:19,260 --> 01:01:22,263 Look, Peter. I know what it's like! 1062 01:01:22,346 --> 01:01:24,640 Really! I mean, for all our blustering back and forth... 1063 01:01:24,723 --> 01:01:26,851 we're really pretty much the same guy. 1064 01:01:26,934 --> 01:01:30,604 We're both leaders. And I like what you've done with the gym over there. Really! 1065 01:01:30,688 --> 01:01:35,860 I love the, "I'm not okay, you're not okay, but that's okay" thing you got goin'. 1066 01:01:35,943 --> 01:01:39,071 "You can be fat, as long as you're happy on the inside." It's great! It works. 1067 01:01:39,154 --> 01:01:42,616 And they love <i>you. Whoo,</i> do they love you. 1068 01:01:42,700 --> 01:01:45,995 You're their Fonzie, Pete. [ Imitating Fonzie ] Hey! 1069 01:01:46,078 --> 01:01:48,289 [ Chuckles ] Right? 1070 01:01:48,372 --> 01:01:52,543 But do you really think it's fair for them to put all that pressure on you? 1071 01:01:52,626 --> 01:01:54,712 <i>All</i> the time? Hmm? 1072 01:01:54,795 --> 01:01:58,382 <i>Looking to you to solve their every problem?</i> 1073 01:01:58,465 --> 01:02:02,887 I mean, come on. I know you. 1074 01:02:02,970 --> 01:02:05,097 You know you. 1075 01:02:05,180 --> 01:02:07,266 And I know you know that I know you. 1076 01:02:07,349 --> 01:02:10,728 <i>You're heading for a fall, Pete.</i> 1077 01:02:10,811 --> 01:02:12,938 Sooner or later, Average Joe's is gonna close. 1078 01:02:14,398 --> 01:02:16,400 And when it does... 1079 01:02:16,483 --> 01:02:18,527 they're gonna blame you. 1080 01:02:18,611 --> 01:02:22,281 [ Snaps Fingers ] I don't know if you've ever seen $100,000... 1081 01:02:22,364 --> 01:02:24,116 except maybe in the movies. 1082 01:02:24,199 --> 01:02:28,162 But I assure you, something gets lost in the translation. 1083 01:02:30,456 --> 01:02:34,043 <i>Money. $100,000.</i> 1084 01:02:34,126 --> 01:02:37,087 Dodgeball game. 1085 01:02:37,171 --> 01:02:41,508 Take the money. Invest it in something. 1086 01:02:41,592 --> 01:02:44,011 Give it to charity. I don't care. 1087 01:02:51,435 --> 01:02:53,520 Just sign the contract. 1088 01:02:58,984 --> 01:03:02,029 Come on, guys. We got Peter. 1089 01:03:02,112 --> 01:03:06,450 And they got guys named "Laser" and "Blazer" and "Taser" and all kinds of "-asers." 1090 01:03:06,533 --> 01:03:09,828 Garr. Steve's gotta go drain the sea monster. 1091 01:03:09,912 --> 01:03:13,165 Here you go, guys. Justin, your virgin daiquiri. 1092 01:03:13,248 --> 01:03:15,459 - Thanks, Ms. Veatch. <i>- Gordon?</i> - Nothin' for me. 1093 01:03:15,542 --> 01:03:18,712 <i>Dwight says we're gonna get killed out there. What do you think, Peter?</i> 1094 01:03:18,796 --> 01:03:21,423 - Let's not talk about tomorrow. - What are we gonna do, Pete? 1095 01:03:21,507 --> 01:03:23,788 I don't know, Justin. It's a little complicated, isn't it? 1096 01:03:23,842 --> 01:03:26,029 - But what do you think we should do? - Yeah, come on. Tell us. 1097 01:03:26,053 --> 01:03:28,347 - Come on, boss. - What's the plan? - Yeah. 1098 01:03:28,430 --> 01:03:31,684 What do you guys want from me here? I don't have a plan for ya. 1099 01:03:31,767 --> 01:03:34,853 We're gonna play Globo Gym tomorrow, and we're probably gonna lose. 1100 01:03:36,063 --> 01:03:38,524 It's the truth. 1101 01:03:38,607 --> 01:03:42,047 The sooner you guys get that through your head, the easier this whole thing's gonna be. 1102 01:03:43,112 --> 01:03:45,698 [ Softly ] Jesus Christ. 1103 01:03:45,781 --> 01:03:47,825 He didn't mean that. 1104 01:03:47,908 --> 01:03:49,994 - Is he being serious? - Mm-mm. 1105 01:03:50,077 --> 01:03:52,705 <i>[ Owen ] Oh, he's probably just stressed out.</i> 1106 01:03:52,788 --> 01:03:55,624 I've never seen him like that. 1107 01:03:57,084 --> 01:04:01,714 Garr, matey. Where are you headed? Peter! 1108 01:04:01,797 --> 01:04:04,466 You are not a pirate. 1109 01:04:09,722 --> 01:04:11,849 [ Pants ] 1110 01:04:11,932 --> 01:04:15,019 Okay, guys. Let's get out of here and get some rest for tomorrow. 1111 01:04:23,193 --> 01:04:26,155 Hey, Dwight. Uh— 1112 01:04:26,238 --> 01:04:29,491 I'm gonna catch up with you guys later. I'm gonna go have a bathroom— 1113 01:04:29,575 --> 01:04:32,536 Go to the drink... in the bathroom. 1114 01:04:32,619 --> 01:04:34,621 Whatever you do, wash your hands. 1115 01:04:38,375 --> 01:04:40,044 [ Hair Squeaking ] 1116 01:04:40,127 --> 01:04:44,423 <i>♪ Never seen you looking so lovely as you did tonight ♪</i> 1117 01:04:44,506 --> 01:04:47,134 <i>- ♪ I've never seen you shine so bright ♪</i> - Excuse me, miss. 1118 01:04:47,217 --> 01:04:51,555 - I was wondering if— - You are the one who stares at me. 1119 01:04:51,638 --> 01:04:57,144 - Why is this? - Because I think you're the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. 1120 01:05:04,651 --> 01:05:06,737 - [ Grunts ] - Watch it, freak. 1121 01:05:18,415 --> 01:05:22,086 <i>- [ Brakes Screeching, Horn Honking ] - Go back to Treasure Island!</i> 1122 01:05:22,169 --> 01:05:25,172 - [ Grunts ] <i>- Fag! Whoo!</i> 1123 01:05:25,255 --> 01:05:28,175 - Screw you! - [ Sighs ] 1124 01:05:39,853 --> 01:05:41,973 <i>[ Cotton ] Katie bar the door, ladies and gentlemen...</i> 1125 01:05:42,022 --> 01:05:46,568 <i>because it's time for the championship match here on ESPN 8, the</i> Ocho. 1126 01:05:46,652 --> 01:05:50,489 {\an8}<i>We've seen it all here, folks..grit, determination, incontinence.</i> 1127 01:05:50,572 --> 01:05:52,825 {\an8}<i>And it's all come down to this.. a Cinderella story.</i> 1128 01:05:52,908 --> 01:05:56,411 {\an8}<i>Average Joe's Gymnasium hopes to drive their vorpal blade...</i> 1129 01:05:56,495 --> 01:05:59,915 {\an8}<i>snicker-snack deep into the heart of the dodgeball Jabberwocky...</i> 1130 01:05:59,998 --> 01:06:01,625 {\an8}<i>that is the Globo Gym Purple Cobras...</i> 1131 01:06:01,708 --> 01:06:05,796 {\an8}<i>and walk away with $50,000 in stone-cold cash.</i> 1132 01:06:05,879 --> 01:06:09,967 {\an8}Hello, everybody, and welcome to what you've all been waiting for: 1133 01:06:10,050 --> 01:06:13,971 a David and Goliath story truer than the Bible itself. 1134 01:06:14,054 --> 01:06:18,058 The championship dodgeball match here on ESPN Eight, the <i>Ocho.</i> 1135 01:06:18,142 --> 01:06:20,435 <i>[ Elevator Dings ]</i> 1136 01:06:20,519 --> 01:06:22,521 Peter? 1137 01:06:24,898 --> 01:06:27,734 Peter? Hello? 1138 01:06:29,278 --> 01:06:32,072 Peter. Come on. Everybody headed down— 1139 01:06:40,873 --> 01:06:42,916 [ Sighs ] 1140 01:06:43,000 --> 01:06:45,043 So, what happens on a double fault? 1141 01:06:45,127 --> 01:06:47,963 Oh, on any double fault, you go to sudden-death elimination. 1142 01:06:48,046 --> 01:06:50,465 It's continuation rule 113-D. 1143 01:06:50,549 --> 01:06:53,218 - Whatever. - Hey, guys, wait up! 1144 01:06:56,889 --> 01:07:00,726 Justin! Oh, I've been looking for you everywhere. 1145 01:07:00,809 --> 01:07:02,895 Really? I mean, why? What's up? 1146 01:07:02,978 --> 01:07:06,023 Derek fell off the roller coaster and broke every bone in his body. 1147 01:07:06,106 --> 01:07:08,692 - He can't compete! - Oh, my God. That's awful. 1148 01:07:08,775 --> 01:07:12,362 He was the center Kewpie with me. Without the center Kewpie, we can't do our routine. 1149 01:07:12,446 --> 01:07:15,490 - Oh, no. I'm sorry. - You gotta do it. 1150 01:07:15,574 --> 01:07:17,910 What? N-N-N-N-No. 1151 01:07:17,993 --> 01:07:22,664 - I— I can't! - Please! You're the only one in Las Vegas who knows our routine. 1152 01:07:22,748 --> 01:07:25,626 I can't! I mean, I have the dodgeball championships at noon! 1153 01:07:25,709 --> 01:07:29,046 Oh, you'll be back in time! I promise! 1154 01:07:29,129 --> 01:07:32,883 - [ Mouthing "Please" ] - All right. I'll do it. 1155 01:07:32,966 --> 01:07:34,843 - Yes! Okay! - I gotta tell the guys. 1156 01:07:34,927 --> 01:07:37,679 - No! No time. No time! - I gotta tell the guys. 1157 01:07:40,265 --> 01:07:42,684 <i>[ Cotton ] Average Joe's are a 50-to-1 underdog here today.</i> 1158 01:07:42,768 --> 01:07:45,729 <i>No one is giving them much of a chance. What do you think, Pep?</i> 1159 01:07:45,812 --> 01:07:48,899 Cotton? Hey. I spoke with White Goodman before today's match... 1160 01:07:48,982 --> 01:07:52,569 and he told me that his team really wants to win this one. 1161 01:07:52,653 --> 01:07:55,864 Right you are. And the stage is set... 1162 01:07:55,948 --> 01:07:58,951 <i>for Darwin's cruelest play to unfold, so don't go anywhere, folks.</i> 1163 01:07:59,034 --> 01:08:01,370 <i>The</i> schadenfreude <i>is about to begin.</i> 1164 01:08:01,453 --> 01:08:04,081 I don't understand. Why would Peter leave? 1165 01:08:04,164 --> 01:08:06,142 'Cause he knows we're gonna get killed out there, that's why. 1166 01:08:06,166 --> 01:08:09,378 <i>Hey, that's not true. I don't know why Peter left...</i> 1167 01:08:09,461 --> 01:08:11,463 but we can do this without him. 1168 01:08:11,546 --> 01:08:14,466 We're just gonna have to figure it out. Owen, you'll have to play. 1169 01:08:14,549 --> 01:08:16,301 Okay, yeah. 1170 01:08:16,385 --> 01:08:19,137 Great, but we'll still be two players short. 1171 01:08:19,221 --> 01:08:22,140 We're still missin' the teenage love puppy and Steve the Pirate. 1172 01:08:22,224 --> 01:08:24,935 Who's "Steve the Pirate"? 1173 01:08:25,018 --> 01:08:28,772 The only guy on our team who dresses like a pirate. 1174 01:08:28,855 --> 01:08:34,027 Wait. There's a guy on our team dressed like a pirate? 1175 01:08:34,111 --> 01:08:36,613 <i>[ Announcer On P.A. ] And now, let's hear it for...</i> 1176 01:08:36,697 --> 01:08:41,952 <i>the West Davenport High School Charging Donkeys!</i> 1177 01:08:42,035 --> 01:08:46,039 [ Amber ] Donkeys! Whoo! 1178 01:08:47,207 --> 01:08:49,209 <i>Donkeys!</i> 1179 01:08:51,753 --> 01:08:54,172 <i>♪♪ [ Rap ] ♪ Yo, yo, better listen up ♪</i> 1180 01:08:54,256 --> 01:08:57,551 <i>♪♪ [ Rap Continues ]</i> 1181 01:09:03,932 --> 01:09:06,935 <i>- ♪ Whee ♪ - [ Girls ] ♪ Around and around we go ♪</i> 1182 01:09:09,062 --> 01:09:12,482 ♪ Yo, be donkeys ♪♪ 1183 01:09:12,566 --> 01:09:15,193 - Wow! We did it! - Holy cow! 1184 01:09:16,528 --> 01:09:18,739 Oh, it was perfect. You were perfect. 1185 01:09:18,822 --> 01:09:21,950 - Oh, God! I gotta go! - Wait, wait, wait. Aren't you gonna stay for the trophy? 1186 01:09:22,034 --> 01:09:25,245 I'm sorry, Amber. I got my own trophy to win. 1187 01:09:41,595 --> 01:09:43,555 Now I'm goin'. 1188 01:09:43,638 --> 01:09:49,603 <i>[ Rhythmic Clapping ]</i> 1189 01:09:49,686 --> 01:09:53,732 <i>[ Cotton ] And here come the Globo Gym Purple Cobras, led by White Goodman, all business.</i> 1190 01:09:53,815 --> 01:09:56,068 - [ Grunting ] <i>- We haven't seen Average Joe's yet.</i> 1191 01:09:56,151 --> 01:10:00,155 They still haven't made it to the court. It could be a psychological ploy— 1192 01:10:00,238 --> 01:10:03,593 - or perhaps something worse. - [ Pepper ] They're definitely not on the court, Cotton. 1193 01:10:03,617 --> 01:10:05,994 <i>- Their absence is noticeable.</i> - Thank you. 1194 01:10:06,078 --> 01:10:08,839 <i>[ Cotton ] And we'll be right back after these words from our sponsor.</i> 1195 01:10:12,584 --> 01:10:15,962 - Can I get a bottle of water? - [ Grunts ] 1196 01:10:17,631 --> 01:10:20,926 Aren't you Peter La Fleur? 1197 01:10:21,009 --> 01:10:24,054 - Lance Armstrong? - Yeah, that's me. But I'm a big fan of yours. 1198 01:10:24,179 --> 01:10:27,766 - Really? - Yeah. I've been watchin' the dodgeball tournament on the <i>Ocho.</i> 1199 01:10:27,849 --> 01:10:30,185 ESPN 8. I just can't get enough of it. 1200 01:10:30,268 --> 01:10:33,664 But good luck on the tournament. I'm pullin' for you against those jerks from Globo Gym. 1201 01:10:33,688 --> 01:10:36,149 I think you better hurry up, or you're gonna be late. 1202 01:10:36,233 --> 01:10:41,238 Uh— Actually, I decided to quit, Lance. 1203 01:10:41,321 --> 01:10:44,408 Quit? You know, once I was thinkin' about quittin'... 1204 01:10:44,491 --> 01:10:47,035 when I was diagnosed with brain, lung and testicular cancer... 1205 01:10:47,119 --> 01:10:49,204 all at the same time. 1206 01:10:49,287 --> 01:10:52,749 But with the love and support of my friends and family, I got back on the bike... 1207 01:10:52,833 --> 01:10:55,710 and I won the Tour de France five times in a row. 1208 01:10:55,794 --> 01:10:57,838 But I'm sure you have a good reason to quit. 1209 01:11:00,132 --> 01:11:02,568 So what are you dyin' from that's keepin' you from the finals? 1210 01:11:02,592 --> 01:11:06,596 Right now, it feels a little bit like... shame. 1211 01:11:06,680 --> 01:11:10,267 - [ Chuckles ] - Well, I guess if a person never quit when the going got tough... 1212 01:11:10,350 --> 01:11:13,728 they wouldn't have anything to regret for the rest of their life. 1213 01:11:13,812 --> 01:11:16,982 But good luck to you, Peter. I'm sure this decision won't haunt you forever. 1214 01:11:25,073 --> 01:11:29,161 Steve? Steve the Pirate. "Scurvy!" 1215 01:11:29,244 --> 01:11:31,830 No. Not ringin' any bells. 1216 01:11:31,913 --> 01:11:35,125 - Forget it, man. - Please. We'll play with four people. 1217 01:11:35,208 --> 01:11:37,836 It's not an advantage! Can't you bend the rules just this once? 1218 01:11:37,919 --> 01:11:41,131 There's nothing I can do! Rules are rules. 1219 01:11:41,214 --> 01:11:44,634 You don't have enough players. Inform the committee and Mr. Goodman... 1220 01:11:44,718 --> 01:11:47,971 - about Average Joe's forfeit. - Yes, sir. 1221 01:11:48,054 --> 01:11:50,182 Better luck next year. 1222 01:11:51,475 --> 01:11:53,810 Excuse me! Sorry I'm late. 1223 01:11:53,894 --> 01:11:55,896 You won't believe what just happened to me, though. 1224 01:11:55,979 --> 01:11:59,024 <i>- Hey, guys. What's up?</i> - You're just in time to help us forfeit. 1225 01:11:59,107 --> 01:12:03,445 - Forfeit? Why? - [ Sighs ] 1226 01:12:03,528 --> 01:12:06,740 Well, I-I don't know what to tell you, but— 1227 01:12:06,823 --> 01:12:10,952 <i>yes— no— I'm being told that Average Joe's does not have enough players...</i> 1228 01:12:11,036 --> 01:12:13,663 <i>and will be forfeiting the championship match.</i> 1229 01:12:13,747 --> 01:12:17,167 It's a bold strategy, Cotton. Let's see if it pays off for them. 1230 01:12:17,250 --> 01:12:21,546 To the tournament floor we go for the scepter presentation from the dodgeball chancellor. 1231 01:12:22,964 --> 01:12:25,175 [ Echoing ] Ladies and gentlemen! 1232 01:12:25,258 --> 01:12:28,345 By the power vested in me by our governing body... 1233 01:12:28,428 --> 01:12:32,098 the American Dodgeball Association of America... 1234 01:12:32,182 --> 01:12:34,684 <i>and in concordance with our sponsors...</i> 1235 01:12:34,768 --> 01:12:36,895 <i>Lumber Liquidators and Omaha Steaks...</i> 1236 01:12:36,978 --> 01:12:41,191 it gives me great pleasure to declare the winner of this year's... 1237 01:12:41,274 --> 01:12:44,319 Las Vegas International Tournament to be— 1238 01:12:44,402 --> 01:12:46,446 <i>Wait! He's here!</i> 1239 01:12:48,114 --> 01:12:51,201 <i>[ Crowd Murmurs, Cheers ]</i> 1240 01:12:51,284 --> 01:12:53,745 Hey, guys. Sorry I'm late. 1241 01:12:53,828 --> 01:12:57,207 - I'm ready to play, Your Honor. - Too late, La Fleur. 1242 01:12:57,290 --> 01:12:59,376 Your lovable band of losers already forfeited. 1243 01:12:59,459 --> 01:13:01,419 - The trophy and the money are mine. - He's right. 1244 01:13:01,461 --> 01:13:03,481 Your team has already forfeited. There's nothing you can do. 1245 01:13:03,505 --> 01:13:07,300 <i>[ Hoots ] Facial, La Fleur! Total facial!</i> 1246 01:13:07,384 --> 01:13:10,262 <i>- [ Screams, Laughs ] - Actually, that's not true.</i> 1247 01:13:10,345 --> 01:13:13,723 The Tournament Committee can overturn the chancellor's decision— that's you, sir— 1248 01:13:13,807 --> 01:13:15,887 - by a two-thirds vote. - No, he's right. He's right. 1249 01:13:15,934 --> 01:13:18,311 - What? - Yeah. So it's a bylaw. It's a— Give it— 1250 01:13:18,395 --> 01:13:20,647 Will you— It's a bylaw! 1251 01:13:20,730 --> 01:13:25,110 - What's a "bylaw?" <i>- [ Cotton ] Hang on a second here, folks.</i> 1252 01:13:25,193 --> 01:13:30,031 - [ Chanting ] Let them play! <i>- We might just have a championship game yet!</i> 1253 01:13:30,115 --> 01:13:34,369 <i>- Listen to this crowd!</i> - [ Chanting Continues ] 1254 01:13:34,452 --> 01:13:38,707 <i>Unbelievable! Well, Pepper, it's clear what the crowd here wants.</i> 1255 01:13:38,790 --> 01:13:41,543 But the committee members have the final say. 1256 01:13:41,626 --> 01:13:43,670 And it looks like they've come to a decision. 1257 01:13:43,753 --> 01:13:46,631 {\an8}- Let them play! Let them play! <i>- Joe's needs two yes votes to play—</i> 1258 01:13:46,715 --> 01:13:48,758 {\an8}<i>- [ Cheering ] - There's one thumbs-up.</i> 1259 01:13:48,842 --> 01:13:51,177 <i>- Good news for Joe's.</i> - Oh! Oh, please. 1260 01:13:51,261 --> 01:13:53,555 <i>Let's see how our second judge votes.</i> 1261 01:13:53,638 --> 01:13:57,267 - Thank you for a little sanity. <i>- Oh, tough sledding! It's all even.</i> 1262 01:13:57,350 --> 01:14:01,771 <i>Their fate hangs on the thumb of our final judge.</i> 1263 01:14:01,855 --> 01:14:05,442 <i>Thumbs up! Average Joe's can play!</i> 1264 01:14:05,525 --> 01:14:08,695 That is pure poppycock! You're gonna let them do that? 1265 01:14:08,778 --> 01:14:12,240 - Thank you, Chuck Norris. - Thank you, Peter. 1266 01:14:14,075 --> 01:14:17,162 All right, captains. Shake hands, and let's have a clean match! 1267 01:14:17,245 --> 01:14:19,873 Good luck, White. 1268 01:14:20,957 --> 01:14:24,628 Cram it up your cramhole, La Fleur. 1269 01:14:24,711 --> 01:14:28,173 Prepare to be humiliated on cable television. 1270 01:14:28,256 --> 01:14:30,383 Whatever. 1271 01:14:32,302 --> 01:14:35,639 - Nice of you to show up. - Yeah, I thought so too. 1272 01:14:35,722 --> 01:14:38,516 What? I got a plan. 1273 01:14:40,435 --> 01:14:43,647 Okay, guys. Let's play smart. Wait for your two-on-ones. 1274 01:14:43,730 --> 01:14:46,650 Cover closely for your pickups. What's our team motto? 1275 01:14:46,733 --> 01:14:48,985 - Aim low? [ Scoffs ] - That's right. 1276 01:14:49,069 --> 01:14:51,946 All I'm asking is that your give it your best for Patches. 1277 01:14:52,030 --> 01:14:56,326 I say we go out there, we let it all hang loose, try to have some fun. 1278 01:14:56,409 --> 01:14:59,162 - I mean, it's only dodgeball, right? - [ Chuckling ] 1279 01:14:59,245 --> 01:15:03,083 - Put 'em in. One, two, three— - [ Together ] Joe's! 1280 01:15:03,166 --> 01:15:05,710 <i>♪♪ [ Heavy Metal ]</i> 1281 01:15:26,606 --> 01:15:28,608 [ Referee ] Globo Gym ready! 1282 01:15:28,692 --> 01:15:30,777 <i>Average Joe's ready!</i> 1283 01:15:33,571 --> 01:15:37,325 - Dodgeball! <i>- [ Cotton ] The championship match is underway.</i> 1284 01:15:37,409 --> 01:15:40,328 <i>Average Joe's versus the Globo Gym goliath.</i> 1285 01:15:40,412 --> 01:15:45,875 - [ Grunts ] <i>- Ooh! Quick elimination there for Kate Veatch.</i> 1286 01:15:45,959 --> 01:15:49,879 <i>White Goodman's hit! The ball goes up for grabs, and...</i> 1287 01:15:49,963 --> 01:15:53,842 <i>- it's caught!</i> - That's a catch! - You're out, La Fleur! 1288 01:15:53,925 --> 01:15:58,888 <i>Peter La Fleur has got to sit out, and Joe's has lost their two best players early.</i> 1289 01:15:58,972 --> 01:16:03,935 <i>Dwight Baumgarten still playing hard Hits Me'Shell Jones right on the dome!</i> 1290 01:16:04,018 --> 01:16:07,272 You're mine next time! 1291 01:16:07,355 --> 01:16:10,692 - Hyah! - <i>Oh! Right in the</i> tokhes. 1292 01:16:10,775 --> 01:16:14,320 <i>Two-one,</i> ese, <i>and Globo Gym is dominating.</i> 1293 01:16:18,366 --> 01:16:20,827 - Hi. [ Chuckles ] - Hey. 1294 01:16:23,037 --> 01:16:25,558 - You're out! You're out! <i>- I don't know what that was all about.</i> 1295 01:16:25,582 --> 01:16:28,334 <i>But it leaves Joe's on the wrong side of a 4-2 advantage.</i> 1296 01:16:30,462 --> 01:16:33,506 <i>Joe's gets an elimination. It's two on three.</i> 1297 01:16:33,590 --> 01:16:36,092 - Get out! <i>- Gordo!</i> 1298 01:16:36,176 --> 01:16:39,846 - Lose your temper, Gordo. Get mad! - [ Yelling ] 1299 01:16:39,929 --> 01:16:42,950 <i>White Goodman with a catch! Gordon Pibb goes out, Me'Shell Jones comes back in.</i> 1300 01:16:42,974 --> 01:16:45,685 Whoo! You're out, four-eyes! 1301 01:16:45,769 --> 01:16:48,855 <i>It's all up to Average Joe's youngest member.</i> 1302 01:16:48,938 --> 01:16:51,566 - He's gotta make a play here, Pepper. - Yeah, word, Cotton. 1303 01:16:51,649 --> 01:16:54,402 <i>[ Cotton ] Four Cobras and one Joe.</i> 1304 01:16:54,486 --> 01:16:58,406 <i>Even a rabid mongoose wouldn't have a chance now— Oh! Nice dodge!</i> 1305 01:16:58,490 --> 01:17:00,450 - Stay alive! Stay alive! Stay alive! - Catch one! 1306 01:17:02,744 --> 01:17:04,829 <i>They're just toying with the young man now.</i> 1307 01:17:04,913 --> 01:17:06,974 <i>[ Pepper ] He's got to avoid getting hit here, Cotton.</i> 1308 01:17:06,998 --> 01:17:09,751 <i>- That's the key.</i> - Justin, let's go, let's go. 1309 01:17:09,834 --> 01:17:13,505 <i>[ Cotton ] Oh! That's a great catch! And another!</i> 1310 01:17:13,588 --> 01:17:16,007 <i>Peter La Fleur comes back into the game!</i> 1311 01:17:16,090 --> 01:17:18,551 Just like that, a three-player swing. 1312 01:17:18,635 --> 01:17:21,846 - Joe's isn't done yet. - [ Amber ] Justin! 1313 01:17:21,930 --> 01:17:25,558 - I love you! - I love you t— 1314 01:17:25,642 --> 01:17:29,270 <i>- [ Crowd Groans ] - Joanie Loves Chachi!</i> 1315 01:17:29,354 --> 01:17:31,731 Two players left on each side. What a match. 1316 01:17:31,815 --> 01:17:36,736 What a sport! Throw out the rule book, folks. It's down and dirty now. 1317 01:17:36,820 --> 01:17:39,405 <i>Street dodgeball.</i> 1318 01:17:41,491 --> 01:17:44,953 <i>Look out! La Fleur goes down. He's a sitting duck!</i> 1319 01:17:45,036 --> 01:17:49,999 Noooo! 1320 01:17:50,083 --> 01:17:53,962 <i>How about that, folks? Kate Veatch takes the dodgeball bullet for Peter La Fleur.</i> 1321 01:17:54,045 --> 01:17:56,256 <i>Now, that's sacrifice!</i> 1322 01:17:56,339 --> 01:17:59,425 <i>As touching a moment as we've seen on the dodgeball court all tournament.</i> 1323 01:18:01,386 --> 01:18:04,264 - Hey! <i>- Oh, a blatant cheap shot from White Goodman.</i> 1324 01:18:04,347 --> 01:18:07,559 - [ Whistles ] - That's court misconduct! That's a warning! 1325 01:18:07,642 --> 01:18:09,561 Oh, come on! Gimme a break! 1326 01:18:10,770 --> 01:18:13,314 - You okay? Jesus. - Yeah. I'm fine. 1327 01:18:13,398 --> 01:18:15,292 - Are you sure? - Yeah. I'm all right. I'm all right. 1328 01:18:15,316 --> 01:18:18,361 - It was an accident! Come on! I thought she was in play. - Not a chance. 1329 01:18:18,444 --> 01:18:21,698 We're sweating like greased monkeys out here! I can't hold on to a ball. 1330 01:18:21,781 --> 01:18:24,993 <i>- Sorry, miss, but you're out. You got to get off the court.</i> - Right. 1331 01:18:25,076 --> 01:18:27,370 - Watch him, man! Come on. - Hey, Peter! 1332 01:18:27,453 --> 01:18:30,665 - Yeah? - Kick his ass. 1333 01:18:30,748 --> 01:18:34,460 <i>- [ Cotton ] Here comes the in-game restart.</i> - Players, to your positions! 1334 01:18:34,544 --> 01:18:39,048 <i>Looks like it's gonna be a two-on-one, a ménage à trois of pain.</i> 1335 01:18:39,132 --> 01:18:41,801 Usually you pay double for that kind of action, Cotton. 1336 01:18:44,971 --> 01:18:48,600 <i>[ Referee ] You're playing ready dodgeball. Balls are at your feet.</i> 1337 01:18:48,683 --> 01:18:51,019 Ready? Dodgeball! 1338 01:18:51,102 --> 01:18:54,397 [ Cotton ] It's a cat-and-mouse game, folks. Peter La Fleur... 1339 01:18:54,480 --> 01:18:57,150 <i>- has got to wait for his shot.</i> - [ Yelling ] 1340 01:18:58,902 --> 01:19:03,364 <i>He gets the elimination!</i> 1341 01:19:03,448 --> 01:19:09,203 <i>Oh, my! Globo Gym wins. A Cinderella story cast asunder.</i> 1342 01:19:09,287 --> 01:19:11,915 <i>Average Joe's has come all this way for nothing.</i> 1343 01:19:11,998 --> 01:19:15,460 <i>- Absolutely nothing. - [ Pepper ] They're not gonna get anything, Cotton.</i> 1344 01:19:15,543 --> 01:19:19,297 - [ Whistling ] <i>- No elimination! Double fault!</i> 1345 01:19:19,380 --> 01:19:21,549 Double fault! You stepped over the line on the throw! 1346 01:19:21,633 --> 01:19:23,468 <i>- Double fault!</i> - What? 1347 01:19:23,551 --> 01:19:25,988 You out of your mind? That is the worst call I have ever seen! 1348 01:19:26,012 --> 01:19:29,033 I'm out here bustin' my butt, and you come in here with a bush-league call like that? 1349 01:19:29,057 --> 01:19:33,603 - That is total bullcrap! - A.D.A.A. continuation rule 113-D, sir. 1350 01:19:33,686 --> 01:19:36,814 - Sudden death! - All right! Bring it! 1351 01:19:36,898 --> 01:19:40,360 <i>[ Cotton ] I don't believe it, folks. Sudden death!</i> 1352 01:19:40,443 --> 01:19:44,697 Well, let me tell ya. A double-fault final play elimination... 1353 01:19:44,781 --> 01:19:48,284 hasn't occurred since the Helsinki episode of 1919. 1354 01:19:48,368 --> 01:19:51,120 And I think we all remember how that turned out. 1355 01:19:51,204 --> 01:19:55,333 Ladies and gentlemen, prepare to witness the greatest happening in sport. 1356 01:19:55,416 --> 01:19:57,710 Sudden-death dodgeball. 1357 01:19:57,794 --> 01:20:00,254 - Pepper needs new shorts! - Oh! 1358 01:20:02,215 --> 01:20:05,426 <i>White, Peter— this is sudden death.</i> 1359 01:20:05,510 --> 01:20:09,347 Only striking an opposing player eliminates him. 1360 01:20:09,430 --> 01:20:11,641 Catching the ball does nothing. 1361 01:20:11,724 --> 01:20:15,770 Both feet must remain in the triangle at all times. 1362 01:20:15,853 --> 01:20:18,106 You may throw anytime after my call. 1363 01:20:18,189 --> 01:20:21,484 <i>Understood?</i> 1364 01:20:21,567 --> 01:20:25,113 <i>Okay. Let's have a clean match. Good luck, gentlemen.</i> 1365 01:20:25,196 --> 01:20:28,574 This is it, "La Loser." 1366 01:20:30,034 --> 01:20:34,831 You ready for the— whoo— hurricane? 1367 01:20:34,914 --> 01:20:38,584 Just don't go cryin' to mama when I spank you in front of all these people, White. 1368 01:20:39,919 --> 01:20:42,005 You don't go cryin' to your daddy... 1369 01:20:42,088 --> 01:20:44,882 after I wipe it up with your face. 1370 01:20:46,384 --> 01:20:48,594 - Uh, White? - Yeah? 1371 01:20:48,678 --> 01:20:51,305 You look awful fat in those pants. 1372 01:20:51,389 --> 01:20:53,683 <i>[ Referee ] Players to your positions!</i> 1373 01:20:53,766 --> 01:20:57,061 <i>[ Cotton ] Sudden death is all about gamesmanship, folks. Throw too early...</i> 1374 01:20:57,145 --> 01:21:00,523 <i>and you're defenseless; throw too late and you're eliminated.</i> 1375 01:21:00,606 --> 01:21:04,110 <i>Dilemma, thy name is dodgeball.</i> 1376 01:21:04,193 --> 01:21:07,321 This sport doesn't build character, it reveals it. 1377 01:21:07,405 --> 01:21:10,450 "F"-in' "A", Cotton. "F"-in' "A"! 1378 01:21:12,285 --> 01:21:14,412 Come on, talk to me. 1379 01:21:16,122 --> 01:21:18,249 Listen up, crotch stain. 1380 01:21:18,332 --> 01:21:22,879 Remember your training, and trust your instincts. 1381 01:21:22,962 --> 01:21:25,590 You can do it! I believe in you. 1382 01:21:27,633 --> 01:21:30,303 Bye-bye. 1383 01:21:30,386 --> 01:21:34,432 - Right. <i>- [ Referee ] Players turn, and step in.</i> 1384 01:21:50,198 --> 01:21:54,202 - What the hell's he doin'? - I don't know. 1385 01:21:57,080 --> 01:22:01,626 - Get a load of this guy. <i>- In 23 years of broadcasting...</i> 1386 01:22:01,709 --> 01:22:03,812 I thought I'd seen it all, folks, but it looks like... 1387 01:22:03,836 --> 01:22:06,756 Peter La Fleur has actually blindfolded himself. 1388 01:22:06,839 --> 01:22:09,634 Yeah, he will not be able to see very well, Cotton. 1389 01:22:18,643 --> 01:22:21,729 Ready? 1390 01:22:25,900 --> 01:22:29,904 - Dodgeball! - [ All Gasping ] 1391 01:22:31,906 --> 01:22:34,951 <i>- [ White, Laughing ]</i> - [ Sighing ] 1392 01:22:35,034 --> 01:22:39,372 Good-bye, Peter. I always knew you were weak. 1393 01:22:43,417 --> 01:22:46,546 Air Goodman, comin' at ya! [ Yells ] 1394 01:22:54,387 --> 01:22:57,515 <i>[ Cotton ] Down goes Goodman! Down goes Goodman!</i> 1395 01:22:57,598 --> 01:23:00,518 Winner! Average Joe's! 1396 01:23:04,355 --> 01:23:08,693 - Wow! <i>- [ Cotton ] Do you believe in unlikelihoods?</i> 1397 01:23:08,776 --> 01:23:13,489 <i>Average Joe's shocking the dodgeball world and upsetting Globo Gym...</i> 1398 01:23:13,573 --> 01:23:15,741 <i>in the championship match.</i> 1399 01:23:15,825 --> 01:23:20,329 - Unbelievable! - Ladies and gentlemen, I have been to the Great Wall of China. 1400 01:23:20,413 --> 01:23:24,333 I have seen the pyramids of Egypt. I've even witnessed a grown man satisfy a camel. 1401 01:23:24,417 --> 01:23:26,878 But never, in all my years as a sportscaster... 1402 01:23:26,961 --> 01:23:32,008 <i>have I witnessed something as improbable— as impossible— as what we've witnessed today.</i> 1403 01:23:32,091 --> 01:23:35,178 <i>The little team that could— Average Joe's Gymnasium...</i> 1404 01:23:35,261 --> 01:23:38,764 <i>underdogs throughout— stand before us aglow...</i> 1405 01:23:38,848 --> 01:23:41,976 As true dodgeball champions. 1406 01:23:42,059 --> 01:23:46,731 <i>On behalf of the American Dodgeball Association of America...</i> 1407 01:23:46,814 --> 01:23:51,194 it is my honor to present to you this check of $50,000! 1408 01:23:57,867 --> 01:24:00,703 What are you so happy about, La Fleur? None of this matters. 1409 01:24:00,786 --> 01:24:03,372 <i>You signed your gym over to me last night. Remember?</i> 1410 01:24:03,456 --> 01:24:07,460 <i>You lost. I won. Suck failure, freaks.</i> 1411 01:24:07,543 --> 01:24:10,922 Peter, is that true? 1412 01:24:11,005 --> 01:24:16,552 Yeah, it's true. It's true I sold Average Joe's to White. 1413 01:24:16,636 --> 01:24:19,222 It's true that every man has his price. 1414 01:24:19,305 --> 01:24:23,976 <i>And it's also true that money won is a lot sweeter than money earned.</i> 1415 01:24:24,060 --> 01:24:27,647 - Now he's a "philosophizer". - Excuse us. Step aside, please. 1416 01:24:29,607 --> 01:24:31,984 Here are your winnings, Mr. La Fleur. Congratulations. 1417 01:24:32,068 --> 01:24:34,671 - Right on time. I appreciate it. Thank you, boys. - What is that? Who is that? 1418 01:24:34,695 --> 01:24:37,448 - Wh-What winnings? What is that? <i>- Gosh, I forgot to tell you.</i> 1419 01:24:37,531 --> 01:24:42,286 I took the $100,000 bribe that you gave me last night and I put it on us to win. 1420 01:24:42,370 --> 01:24:47,625 We were goin' off at 50-to-1. Anyone? Top of your head? What's 50 times $100,000? 1421 01:24:47,708 --> 01:24:53,089 - $50,000? - Five million dollars! Peter, are you kidding me? 1422 01:24:53,172 --> 01:24:55,466 Surprise! 1423 01:24:58,469 --> 01:25:01,764 Stick it in your ear, La Fleur. I wouldn't sell you your gym back... 1424 01:25:01,847 --> 01:25:03,891 for all of King Midas's silver. 1425 01:25:03,975 --> 01:25:05,977 The gym is mine! So you can take your band... 1426 01:25:06,060 --> 01:25:08,854 of yellow-bellied losers and crawl out of here. 1427 01:25:08,938 --> 01:25:12,733 You're right. I can't make you sell Average Joe's back to me, so... 1428 01:25:12,817 --> 01:25:16,070 I guess I'll just take your advice and invest in something. 1429 01:25:16,153 --> 01:25:18,572 Say, uh, the controlling stake of Globo Gym. 1430 01:25:18,656 --> 01:25:20,283 That's preposterous! I'd never allow it. 1431 01:25:20,366 --> 01:25:23,995 <i>Globo Gym is a publicly-traded company, there is nothing you can do about it.</i> 1432 01:25:24,078 --> 01:25:29,792 <i>So, I would control Globo Gym and everything that Globo Gym owns...</i> 1433 01:25:29,875 --> 01:25:33,838 which, as of last night, is Average Joe's Gym! 1434 01:25:35,423 --> 01:25:37,758 - I'm your new boss, White. - You can't be my boss! 1435 01:25:37,842 --> 01:25:40,177 Nobody's my boss. I'm my own boss! I created myself! 1436 01:25:40,261 --> 01:25:43,431 - You're fired, pal. - You can't do anything to me! 1437 01:25:43,514 --> 01:25:47,018 You're goin' down, La Fleur. You're going down like a sweet muffin! 1438 01:25:47,101 --> 01:25:50,771 - Another time. Another time. <i>- You suck, La Fleur!</i> 1439 01:25:52,606 --> 01:25:54,734 - Give me that! - [ Whimpers ] 1440 01:25:57,653 --> 01:26:00,865 - I mean, the blindfold was crazy. <i>- Hey, hey.</i> 1441 01:26:00,948 --> 01:26:04,368 Peter. 1442 01:26:04,452 --> 01:26:06,912 Look, it's Steve the Pirate. 1443 01:26:09,498 --> 01:26:12,710 - Wow. - I just wanted to tell you... 1444 01:26:12,793 --> 01:26:14,962 that I thought about what you said... 1445 01:26:15,046 --> 01:26:19,342 and... I guess you're right. 1446 01:26:19,425 --> 01:26:21,761 I'm not really a pirate. 1447 01:26:23,262 --> 01:26:25,848 I don't know, Steve. 1448 01:26:25,931 --> 01:26:30,811 I mean, if you're not a pirate, who the hell am I gonna split all that buried treasure with? 1449 01:26:33,314 --> 01:26:36,317 Garr. 1450 01:26:36,400 --> 01:26:39,987 - Peter— - Garr, Steve. 1451 01:26:40,071 --> 01:26:44,408 It's beautiful. Hyah-hah! 1452 01:26:45,951 --> 01:26:47,995 We missed you. 1453 01:26:51,123 --> 01:26:54,919 - Hey, you. - Hey, you. 1454 01:26:56,629 --> 01:26:58,631 - Joyce? - Kate! 1455 01:26:58,714 --> 01:27:02,051 - What are you doing here? I thought you were in Guam. - I caught an earlier flight. 1456 01:27:02,134 --> 01:27:05,638 - I wouldn't have missed this for the world. - You are amazing. 1457 01:27:09,642 --> 01:27:14,188 - I told you she was a lesbian. - Wow. Good call. 1458 01:27:14,271 --> 01:27:17,858 Hey! I'm not a lesbian. 1459 01:27:17,942 --> 01:27:19,610 You're not? 1460 01:27:19,693 --> 01:27:22,696 No. I'm bisexual. 1461 01:27:25,116 --> 01:27:27,284 Oh! Snap! 1462 01:27:27,368 --> 01:27:31,455 All right. Everybody? Smile big. 1463 01:27:36,419 --> 01:27:40,339 Hi, I'm Peter La Fleur, owner and operator of Average Joe's Gym. 1464 01:27:40,423 --> 01:27:44,135 And I'm here to tell ya, you're perfect just the way you are. 1465 01:27:44,218 --> 01:27:47,138 But if you feel like losin' a few pounds, gettin' healthier... 1466 01:27:47,221 --> 01:27:49,598 and makin' some good friends in the process... 1467 01:27:49,682 --> 01:27:51,684 then Joe's is the place for you. 1468 01:27:51,767 --> 01:27:55,438 Don't forget that youth dodgeball classes are forming right now. 1469 01:27:55,521 --> 01:27:57,565 So come on down and learn a great game... 1470 01:27:57,648 --> 01:27:59,650 the way it's supposed to be played. 1471 01:27:59,733 --> 01:28:01,819 - Right, kids? - [ Kids ] Right! 1472 01:28:08,367 --> 01:28:10,619 - [ Mocking Laughter ] - [ Clicks Off ] 1473 01:28:11,996 --> 01:28:13,998 Spare me. 1474 01:28:14,081 --> 01:28:16,459 I won that tournament. 1475 01:28:19,462 --> 01:28:22,089 Fuckin' Chuck Norris. 1476 01:28:22,173 --> 01:28:25,217 {\an8}<i>♪♪ [ Rock ]</i> 1477 01:28:27,845 --> 01:28:31,682 {\an8}<i>♪ You and I travel to the beat of a different drum ♪</i> 1478 01:28:31,765 --> 01:28:35,060 {\an8}<i>♪ Oh, can't you tell by the way I run ♪</i> 1479 01:28:35,144 --> 01:28:37,813 {\an8}<i>♪ Every time you make eyes at me ♪</i> 1480 01:28:37,897 --> 01:28:40,649 {\an8}<i>♪ Whoa-oh You cry ♪</i> 1481 01:28:40,733 --> 01:28:43,694 {\an8}<i>♪ And moan and say it'll work out ♪</i> 1482 01:28:43,777 --> 01:28:46,572 {\an8}<i>♪ But honey child I've got my doubts ♪</i> 1483 01:28:46,655 --> 01:28:50,534 {\an8}<i>♪ You can't see the forest for the trees ♪</i> 1484 01:28:50,618 --> 01:28:53,787 {\an8}<i>♪ So, don't get me wrong It's not that I knock it ♪</i> 1485 01:28:53,871 --> 01:28:58,250 {\an8}<i>♪ It's just that I am not in the market for a boy who wants ♪</i> 1486 01:28:58,334 --> 01:29:02,505 {\an8}<i>♪ To love only me, yeah ♪</i> 1487 01:29:02,588 --> 01:29:05,799 {\an8}<i>♪ Yeah, and I ain't sayin' you ain't pretty ♪</i> 1488 01:29:05,883 --> 01:29:08,677 {\an8}<i>♪ All I'm sayin' is I'm not ready ♪</i> 1489 01:29:08,761 --> 01:29:11,722 {\an8}<i>♪ For any person place or thing ♪</i> 1490 01:29:11,805 --> 01:29:16,018 {\an8}<i>♪ To try to pull the reins in on me ♪</i> 1491 01:29:16,101 --> 01:29:18,270 {\an8}<i>♪ That's all ♪</i> 1492 01:29:23,609 --> 01:29:25,528 {\an8}<i>♪ Yeah ♪</i> 1493 01:29:25,611 --> 01:29:30,115 {\an8}<i>♪ Whoo! All right Yeah ♪</i> 1494 01:29:30,199 --> 01:29:32,910 {\an8}<i>♪♪ [ Whistling ]</i> 1495 01:29:38,582 --> 01:29:42,294 {\an8}<i>♪♪ [ Man Singing, Indistinct ]</i> 1496 01:31:27,608 --> 01:31:30,903 Yeah. Hope you're all happy now. 1497 01:31:30,986 --> 01:31:33,447 Good guy wins, bad guy loses. 1498 01:31:33,530 --> 01:31:37,284 Big friggin' surprise. 1499 01:31:37,368 --> 01:31:40,204 I love happy endings. 1500 01:31:42,289 --> 01:31:44,500 You know, that's the problem with... 1501 01:31:44,583 --> 01:31:46,710 the American cinema. 1502 01:31:46,794 --> 01:31:49,254 Can't handle any complexity in it. You know? 1503 01:31:49,338 --> 01:31:52,049 "Don't make me think. I just want to be entertained." 1504 01:31:53,717 --> 01:31:55,719 All right, fine. 1505 01:31:55,803 --> 01:31:59,390 Want a little somethin'-somethin' for the ride home? 1506 01:31:59,473 --> 01:32:01,517 Check these boots out for size. 1507 01:32:01,600 --> 01:32:03,727 <i>♪♪ [ Funky Intro ]</i> 1508 01:32:03,811 --> 01:32:06,081 [ Singing Along ] ♪ My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard ♪ 1509 01:32:06,105 --> 01:32:07,981 ♪ And they're like It's better than yours ♪ 1510 01:32:08,065 --> 01:32:10,150 ♪ Damn right It's better than yours ♪ 1511 01:32:10,234 --> 01:32:12,319 ♪ I could teach you But I'd have to charge ♪ 1512 01:32:12,403 --> 01:32:18,909 ♪ You want it What the boys go crazy for ♪ 1513 01:32:18,992 --> 01:32:23,080 ♪ They lose their mind My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard ♪ 1514 01:32:23,163 --> 01:32:24,957 ♪ Damn right It's better than yours ♪ 1515 01:32:25,040 --> 01:32:28,877 ♪ I could teach you but I'd have to charge ♪♪ 1516 01:32:28,961 --> 01:32:31,213 [ Sighs ] You happy? 1517 01:32:31,296 --> 01:32:33,382 Fatty make a funny? 1517 01:32:34,305 --> 01:33:34,891 Do you want subtitles for any video? -=[ ai.OpenSubtitles.com ]=-