Sleuth

1 00:00:06,000 --> 00:00:12,074 Do you want subtitles for any video? -=[ ai.OpenSubtitles.com ]=- 2 00:03:44,888 --> 00:03:50,486 <i>"Here, of course, it is the same,</i> <i>apparently, without rational explanation.</i> 3 00:03:50,609 --> 00:03:54,967 <i>"But it's quite easy, when you</i> <i>come to think of it logically, in fact.</i> 4 00:03:55,170 --> 00:03:59,130 <i>"Doctor Grayson was never in London</i> <i>at the time of the murder.</i> 5 00:03:59,251 --> 00:04:02,561 <i>"ln fact, the good doctor stayed</i> <i>at a small hotel in Melksham</i> 6 00:04:02,692 --> 00:04:04,125 <i>"on the night in question</i> 7 00:04:04,252 --> 00:04:07,528 <i>"and then returned to Broughton Gifford</i> <i>on the 2:40 train,</i> 8 00:04:07,653 --> 00:04:10,929 <i>"disguised as</i> <i>Sir Mortimer Turret's valet, Burton,</i> 9 00:04:11,054 --> 00:04:15,332 <i>"making sure his arrival</i> <i>was noted by the ticket inspector.</i> 10 00:04:15,454 --> 00:04:18,412 <i>"From then on,</i> <i>his plan was simplicity itself.</i> 11 00:04:19,375 --> 00:04:21,332 <i>"Knowing it was Burton's day off,</i> 12 00:04:21,455 --> 00:04:24,334 <i>"he had no difficulty</i> <i>in entering Hellrate Hall unobserved</i> 13 00:04:24,456 --> 00:04:27,767 <i>"and murdering Sir Mortimer</i> <i>with the arrow from the astrolabe,</i> 14 00:04:27,896 --> 00:04:30,457 <i>"which he had previously sharpened</i> <i>on the stone-knife grinder</i> 15 00:04:30,577 --> 00:04:31,805 <i>"by the scullery window.</i> 16 00:04:31,938 --> 00:04:36,773 <i>"Remember my query</i> <i>about brass knives, at the time?</i> 17 00:04:37,819 --> 00:04:41,414 <i>"l was worried</i> <i>about those metal shavings."</i> 18 00:04:42,179 --> 00:04:46,935 <i>"By Jove, Lord Merridew, sir.</i> <i>You don't miss a trick,</i> 19 00:04:47,061 --> 00:04:52,978 <i>"but since you appear to know so much,</i> <i>sir," continued the lnspector, humbly,</i> 20 00:04:53,102 --> 00:04:56,538 <i>"l wonder if you could explain just</i> <i>how the murderer managed</i> 21 00:04:56,663 --> 00:04:59,337 <i>"to leave the body of his victim</i> <i>in the middle of the tennis court</i> 22 00:04:59,463 --> 00:05:03,742 <i>"and effect his escape without leaving</i> <i>any tracks behind him in the red dust.</i> 23 00:05:03,864 --> 00:05:08,575 <i>"Frankly, sir, we in the police force</i> <i>are just plain baffled."</i> 24 00:05:15,786 --> 00:05:20,987 St John Lord Merridew, the great detective, rose majestically, 25 00:05:21,108 --> 00:05:25,819 his huge Father Christmas face glowing with mischievous delight. 26 00:05:25,949 --> 00:05:29,464 Slowly he brushed the crumbs of seedy cake 27 00:05:29,589 --> 00:05:32,104 from the folds of his pendulous waistcoat. 28 00:05:32,230 --> 00:05:35,427 ''The police may be baffled, lnspector,'' he boomed, 29 00:05:35,551 --> 00:05:37,781 ''but Merridew is not.'' 30 00:05:37,911 --> 00:05:41,666 ''Thirty years ago, the murderer, Doctor Grayson, 31 00:05:41,791 --> 00:05:44,511 ''was a prominent member of the Ballet Russe, 32 00:05:44,632 --> 00:05:47,352 ''dancing under the name of Oleg Graysinski. 33 00:05:48,353 --> 00:05:50,914 ''Though the years had altered his appearance somewhat, 34 00:05:51,034 --> 00:05:53,389 ''yet his old skill had not deserted him. 35 00:05:53,514 --> 00:05:55,630 ''He carried the body to the centre of the court, 36 00:05:55,755 --> 00:05:57,950 ''walking on his points 37 00:05:58,075 --> 00:06:01,307 ''along the white tape which separated the service boxes 38 00:06:01,435 --> 00:06:05,271 ''and from there he threw it seven feet into the court, 39 00:06:05,396 --> 00:06:07,513 ''close to the base line, where it was found, 40 00:06:07,637 --> 00:06:11,152 ''and then, with a neatly executed <i>fouetté,</i> 41 00:06:11,278 --> 00:06:15,066 ''he faced about and went back the way he had come, 42 00:06:15,199 --> 00:06:17,633 ''thus leaving no traces. 43 00:06:18,519 --> 00:06:22,399 ''And that, lnspector, is Merridew's solution.'' 44 00:06:22,520 --> 00:06:23,714 Hello? 45 00:06:24,320 --> 00:06:25,754 Are you there? 46 00:06:26,281 --> 00:06:27,634 Mr Wyke? 47 00:06:28,721 --> 00:06:30,041 Mr Wyke? 48 00:06:30,161 --> 00:06:32,073 -Who's there? -lt's me, Milo Tindle. 49 00:06:32,202 --> 00:06:33,272 l think you're expecting me. 50 00:06:33,402 --> 00:06:36,076 Yes indeed, so good of you to come. Won't you join me? 51 00:06:36,202 --> 00:06:39,992 Well, l have been trying to do exactly that for quite some time. 52 00:06:43,004 --> 00:06:44,438 Here we are. 53 00:06:49,765 --> 00:06:52,997 Yes, my outdoor inner sanctum. l designed it myself. 54 00:06:53,127 --> 00:06:56,324 Provides for me just that extra bit of privacy that an author requires. 55 00:06:56,447 --> 00:06:58,723 l must say you're not an easy man to drop in on. 56 00:06:58,847 --> 00:07:02,285 Just so. So, you're Milo Tindle. l'm Andrew Wyke. 57 00:07:02,408 --> 00:07:04,969 -Welcome to Cloak Manor. -Thank you. 58 00:07:05,089 --> 00:07:07,239 l found your note when l came down from London this afternoon. 59 00:07:07,369 --> 00:07:09,725 Oh, good, yes. l hoped you'd be here this weekend, 60 00:07:09,849 --> 00:07:13,047 so l pushed it through your letter box a little earlier today. 61 00:07:13,171 --> 00:07:15,400 Well, now, what will you have to drink? 62 00:07:15,691 --> 00:07:17,886 -Vodka and tonic, please. -Of course. 63 00:07:18,011 --> 00:07:21,209 How are you settling in here at Laundry Cottage? 64 00:07:21,332 --> 00:07:22,321 Very well, thank you. 65 00:07:22,452 --> 00:07:24,523 Using it for weekends and that sort of thing? 66 00:07:24,652 --> 00:07:26,564 Yes, that sort of thing. 67 00:07:27,413 --> 00:07:30,850 Vodka, l don't seem to have any out here. ls... 68 00:07:30,974 --> 00:07:33,010 -Gin will do. -Good. 69 00:07:33,174 --> 00:07:35,291 Yes, a charming little place, Laundry Cottage. 70 00:07:35,455 --> 00:07:37,605 ldeal for relaxations of all kinds. 71 00:07:37,735 --> 00:07:40,455 Unfortunately, l don't have time for them myself. 72 00:07:40,576 --> 00:07:41,804 As a matter of fact, 73 00:07:41,936 --> 00:07:44,929 l've just dictated the dénouement of my new book, 74 00:07:45,057 --> 00:07:46,695 <i>Death by Double-Fault.</i> 75 00:07:46,818 --> 00:07:49,412 l must say it's gone extremely well. 76 00:07:49,537 --> 00:07:51,654 Now then, soda, soda, soda... 77 00:07:53,258 --> 00:07:54,247 Dear. 78 00:07:54,379 --> 00:07:57,177 l don't seem to have any tonic here either, it's awful. 79 00:07:57,299 --> 00:07:59,177 -Here, shall we go indoors? -Whatever you like. 80 00:07:59,299 --> 00:08:00,449 Good. 81 00:08:00,980 --> 00:08:04,257 Tell me, do you agree that the detective story 82 00:08:04,380 --> 00:08:07,419 is the normal recreation of noble minds? 83 00:08:07,541 --> 00:08:10,295 l'm afraid l don't know very much about noble minds. 84 00:08:10,421 --> 00:08:11,457 ls it supposed to be? 85 00:08:11,582 --> 00:08:15,462 l'm quoting from Philip Guedalla, a biographer of the '30s. 86 00:08:15,583 --> 00:08:18,144 The golden age when every cabinet minister 87 00:08:18,264 --> 00:08:22,143 had a thriller by his bedside and all detectives were titled. 88 00:08:22,265 --> 00:08:25,063 -Before your time, l expect. -Somewhat. Let me carry that. 89 00:08:25,585 --> 00:08:27,735 Thank you so much. Very good of you. 90 00:08:27,865 --> 00:08:32,337 Yet, you know, even today, l still set my works among the gentry 91 00:08:32,466 --> 00:08:35,140 and a great many ordinary people seem to enjoy them 92 00:08:35,267 --> 00:08:37,144 in spite of our classless society. 93 00:08:37,267 --> 00:08:39,463 l imagine they do a great deal of your stuff on television. 94 00:08:40,228 --> 00:08:45,542 God forbid, l'd never permit it. And, incidentally, it's not ''stuff'. 95 00:08:45,669 --> 00:08:48,980 No, television is not my line of country at all. 96 00:08:49,110 --> 00:08:52,546 That's detective fact, not detective fiction. 97 00:08:52,670 --> 00:08:55,902 And therefore, no recreation for noble minds? 98 00:08:56,031 --> 00:08:59,183 You have it in a nutshell, my dear Milo, if l may so address you. 99 00:08:59,552 --> 00:09:02,828 You might as well, we're all on first name terms these days, Andrew. 100 00:09:02,953 --> 00:09:06,992 Of course we are, and you and l do need to be friendly, do we not? 101 00:09:27,757 --> 00:09:30,431 How would you like your drink? With ice? 102 00:09:32,518 --> 00:09:33,747 With ice? 103 00:09:34,719 --> 00:09:36,152 Yes, please. 104 00:09:51,723 --> 00:09:53,280 What does he do? 105 00:09:57,884 --> 00:10:00,352 That's Jolly Jack Tar, the Jovial Sailor. 106 00:10:00,485 --> 00:10:02,998 He and l have a really splendid relationship. 107 00:10:03,125 --> 00:10:05,764 l make the jokes and he laughs at them. 108 00:10:05,885 --> 00:10:09,595 Here, <i>mein freund,</i> put that behind your necktie. 109 00:10:10,446 --> 00:10:12,244 -He didn't laugh. -No, he wasn't meant to. 110 00:10:12,407 --> 00:10:15,046 -l thought you were trying to be funny. -No, you'll know it when l am. 111 00:10:15,168 --> 00:10:16,317 l see. 112 00:10:16,448 --> 00:10:17,881 -Cheers. <i>-Prost.</i> 113 00:10:22,809 --> 00:10:25,323 -What's this? -That is an intensely complicated 114 00:10:25,449 --> 00:10:28,044 4th Dynasty blocking game, called Simera. 115 00:10:28,170 --> 00:10:30,843 l've been studying the thing for months, but l'm still only a beginner. 116 00:10:30,971 --> 00:10:32,688 l wonder if you'd mind putting that back. 117 00:10:32,811 --> 00:10:34,403 lt's taken me rather a long time to get it there. 118 00:10:34,532 --> 00:10:38,161 That's the centre column, fourth from your right. 119 00:10:38,292 --> 00:10:41,922 Well, now, l understand you want to marry my wife. 120 00:10:45,773 --> 00:10:47,206 Forgive me raising the matter, 121 00:10:47,334 --> 00:10:50,407 but as Marguerite is away for a few days in the North, visiting relatives, 122 00:10:50,534 --> 00:10:52,605 l thought this might be an appropriate moment for you and me 123 00:10:52,735 --> 00:10:54,692 to have a little chat. 124 00:10:54,815 --> 00:10:56,009 l see. 125 00:10:56,455 --> 00:10:58,765 Well, is it true? 126 00:11:00,497 --> 00:11:04,012 -Yes, with your permission, of course. -Why not? 127 00:11:04,137 --> 00:11:07,289 You seem to be a personable enough young man, nicely spoken, 128 00:11:07,418 --> 00:11:10,536 neatly dressed in brand new country gentlemen's clothing. 129 00:11:10,659 --> 00:11:13,127 l'm sure you won't mind me asking you a few questions 130 00:11:13,259 --> 00:11:16,252 about your background, parents, and so forth. 131 00:11:17,260 --> 00:11:21,140 My mother was born in Hereford, a farmer's daughter, 132 00:11:21,261 --> 00:11:25,493 and my father is an ltalian, who came to this country in the '30s from Genoa. 133 00:11:25,622 --> 00:11:29,535 -ln the '30s? ls he Jewish? -No, Catholic, very devout. 134 00:11:29,662 --> 00:11:31,096 Of course, l'm not religious at all myself. 135 00:11:31,222 --> 00:11:34,021 My dear boy, you don't have to excuse yourself to me. 136 00:11:34,144 --> 00:11:37,932 We're all liberals here. l have no prejudice against Catholics. 137 00:11:38,064 --> 00:11:39,861 Not even the lapsed Catholics. 138 00:11:39,984 --> 00:11:44,423 ln fact some of my best friends are lapsed Catholic. 139 00:11:44,545 --> 00:11:47,060 Tell me about your father, was his name Tindle, too? 140 00:11:47,186 --> 00:11:49,654 No, his name was Tindolini, 141 00:11:49,787 --> 00:11:51,937 but if you had a name like that in those days 142 00:11:52,067 --> 00:11:54,536 you had to ''make-a the ice-a cream-a''. 143 00:11:55,308 --> 00:11:58,028 He was a watchmaker and he wanted us to become English, 144 00:11:58,148 --> 00:12:01,026 -so he changed it. -Become English? 145 00:12:02,869 --> 00:12:06,704 -Was he a successful man? -No, as a matter of fact, he wasn't. 146 00:12:08,071 --> 00:12:12,349 You can't expect to make a living these days just repairing watches. 147 00:12:12,471 --> 00:12:15,703 He went broke in the end. l always told him he would. 148 00:12:15,832 --> 00:12:19,143 That must make him something of a burden to you. 149 00:12:19,312 --> 00:12:21,303 Yeah, it does a bit. 150 00:12:22,313 --> 00:12:24,463 He never went back, you see. 151 00:12:24,594 --> 00:12:27,154 He's still in Soho, still thinks he had it good all those years. 152 00:12:27,274 --> 00:12:29,584 And you, what do you do? 153 00:12:30,915 --> 00:12:32,394 Don't you know? 154 00:12:34,555 --> 00:12:37,514 l have a hair dressing salon in South Kensington. 155 00:12:37,636 --> 00:12:38,705 Casa Tindolini. 156 00:12:38,837 --> 00:12:40,555 You can use that word these days, can you? 157 00:12:40,677 --> 00:12:42,668 People don't take it for an ice cream salon? 158 00:12:42,797 --> 00:12:46,472 No, the birds... The ladies seem to like the continental touch. 159 00:12:46,598 --> 00:12:52,232 -English too wholesome for them, eh? -Yeah, well, it's not chic, you see? 160 00:12:52,359 --> 00:12:56,148 We found that it pays to provide the Latin lover atmosphere. 161 00:12:56,280 --> 00:12:58,033 Of course, we lay it on a bit thicker in the Brighton shop, 162 00:12:58,160 --> 00:13:00,834 they're less sophisticated down there. 163 00:13:00,961 --> 00:13:03,600 l mean to say, in London, half of them have actually got... 164 00:13:03,722 --> 00:13:05,121 Latin lovers? 165 00:13:07,562 --> 00:13:11,841 And where do you live? Above, behind or below your shop? 166 00:13:11,963 --> 00:13:15,593 l lease a mews house nearby. lt's convenient and attractive. 167 00:13:15,724 --> 00:13:17,396 lt's Georgian, actually. 168 00:13:17,524 --> 00:13:20,085 From Genoa to Georgian in a single generation, eh? 169 00:13:20,205 --> 00:13:21,354 Not bad. 170 00:13:21,485 --> 00:13:25,525 But l doubt whether an 18th century architectural gem in South Kensington 171 00:13:25,646 --> 00:13:28,524 whispers quite the same magic to Marguerite as it does to you. 172 00:13:28,646 --> 00:13:31,525 She adores old houses. She can't wait to live in it. 173 00:13:31,647 --> 00:13:35,163 l understood she was already living in it, once or twice a week at least. 174 00:13:35,288 --> 00:13:37,165 l'm not mistaken, am l? 175 00:13:39,409 --> 00:13:41,604 And that your motive in renting the cottage down here 176 00:13:41,729 --> 00:13:44,563 was to increase the incidence of this bi-weekly coupling. 177 00:13:44,690 --> 00:13:46,999 ls that what you've asked me over here to chat about? 178 00:13:47,130 --> 00:13:49,520 Never speak ill of the deadly, eh? 179 00:13:50,651 --> 00:13:54,121 lf l choose to say that my wife converses like a child of six 180 00:13:54,252 --> 00:13:57,131 and makes love like an extinct shellfish, l shall. 181 00:13:57,253 --> 00:14:00,290 And l don't need to ask her lover's permission to do so either! 182 00:14:00,413 --> 00:14:02,244 -Thank you for the drink. -Oh, now, now. 183 00:14:02,374 --> 00:14:03,853 l thought you were brought up in England. 184 00:14:03,973 --> 00:14:06,204 Surely you know it's not done to be rude. 185 00:14:06,335 --> 00:14:08,564 You were being rude about a woman l'm in love with. 186 00:14:08,695 --> 00:14:11,209 On the contrary, l was reminiscing about my wife. 187 00:14:11,335 --> 00:14:13,896 -lt comes to the same thing. -Things mostly do, you know. 188 00:14:14,016 --> 00:14:18,056 l'll wager that in a year's time it'll be you who'll be being rude about Marguerite 189 00:14:18,177 --> 00:14:19,576 and l will be being rhapsodic, 190 00:14:19,697 --> 00:14:22,131 and have quite forgotten how intolerably tiresome, 191 00:14:22,258 --> 00:14:27,207 vain, spendthrift, self-indulgent and generally bloody crafty she really is! 192 00:14:29,378 --> 00:14:32,929 Can you afford to take her off my hands? 193 00:14:39,061 --> 00:14:41,495 -Afford to? -Support her in the style 194 00:14:41,622 --> 00:14:45,661 to which she was not accustomed before she met me, but now is? 195 00:14:45,782 --> 00:14:49,219 Well, l'm not a millionaire, but l'm not starving either. 196 00:14:49,343 --> 00:14:51,380 The shop in London's doing all right, 197 00:14:51,503 --> 00:14:53,620 the one in Brighton's almost breaking even. 198 00:14:53,744 --> 00:14:55,860 -By this time next year... -This year, next year, sometime, never. 199 00:14:55,984 --> 00:14:59,375 What you're really saying is that, at present, you're skint. 200 00:14:59,505 --> 00:15:02,303 -We'll survive. -Survival is scarcely the point. 201 00:15:02,426 --> 00:15:04,098 Presumably, when you're married to Marguerite, 202 00:15:04,226 --> 00:15:07,139 you'll want a place on the Riviera, a fast car, couple of mistresses. 203 00:15:07,266 --> 00:15:09,303 Presumably? Just because you need those things? 204 00:15:09,427 --> 00:15:12,943 Oh, no, just this fading mansion, the slowest Bentley in Wiltshire, 205 00:15:13,068 --> 00:15:14,979 and only one mistress, l'm afraid. 206 00:15:15,108 --> 00:15:17,748 Tea, the Finnish bird, who runs the sauna in Salisbury. 207 00:15:17,949 --> 00:15:19,746 You know about Tea, do you? 208 00:15:19,869 --> 00:15:21,861 Marguerite and l have no secrets from each other. 209 00:15:21,989 --> 00:15:23,981 Not even mine, it seems. 210 00:15:24,590 --> 00:15:26,707 Tea is a Grelian goddess. 211 00:15:27,070 --> 00:15:28,584 Her golden hair smells of pine 212 00:15:28,711 --> 00:15:33,227 and her cobalt eyes are the secret forest pools of Finlandia. 213 00:15:33,952 --> 00:15:35,670 l hear that she's a well-scrubbed blonde 214 00:15:35,792 --> 00:15:38,102 with all the sex appeal of a second-hand jeep. 215 00:15:38,233 --> 00:15:40,111 Not so, dear boy, you can take it from me. 216 00:15:40,233 --> 00:15:42,667 Tea is an engaging little trollop and suits me mightily. 217 00:15:42,794 --> 00:15:45,069 Mind you, she takes a bit of keeping up with. 218 00:15:45,194 --> 00:15:49,234 lt's a good thing l am pretty much of an Olympic sexual athlete. 219 00:15:49,355 --> 00:15:53,554 Yes, l suppose these days you are concentrating more on the sprints 220 00:15:53,676 --> 00:15:55,473 than on the long distance stuff. 221 00:15:55,596 --> 00:15:58,634 Not so, dear boy, l'm in the pink of condition. 222 00:15:58,757 --> 00:16:01,749 l could copulate for England at any distance. 223 00:16:02,558 --> 00:16:03,832 Red. 224 00:16:04,918 --> 00:16:06,910 Well, as they say in the Olympics, 225 00:16:07,038 --> 00:16:10,748 ''lt's not the winning, it's the taking-part that counts.'' 226 00:16:11,040 --> 00:16:12,109 Are you going to marry her? 227 00:16:12,239 --> 00:16:14,913 Oh, no, no, no. l just want to live with her. 228 00:16:15,041 --> 00:16:16,235 So, what's stopping you? 229 00:16:16,360 --> 00:16:19,399 Basically, the firm of Prurient and Pry Ltd, 230 00:16:19,521 --> 00:16:21,797 whom you and Marguerite have seen fit to employ. 231 00:16:21,922 --> 00:16:23,719 Now, now, don't be so innocent. 232 00:16:23,842 --> 00:16:25,798 Those nicotine stained private detectives 233 00:16:25,923 --> 00:16:29,120 have been camping outside Tea's flat for the last week. 234 00:16:29,243 --> 00:16:30,756 lt was an insurance policy 235 00:16:30,884 --> 00:16:33,682 to keep you from changing your mind about the divorce. 236 00:16:33,804 --> 00:16:35,795 How did you know l wasn't having you watched? 237 00:16:35,925 --> 00:16:38,678 Why not? Afraid of what you might find out? 238 00:16:38,805 --> 00:16:42,435 -Or didn't you think that was possible? -Now, don't start doing a fertility dance. 239 00:16:42,566 --> 00:16:44,204 Of course l knew that they'd find you and Marguerite 240 00:16:44,326 --> 00:16:46,079 rutting away like crazed weasels, 241 00:16:46,207 --> 00:16:48,801 but why should l pay good money to have something confirmed 242 00:16:48,927 --> 00:16:50,963 which l'd known for months? 243 00:16:51,288 --> 00:16:52,482 Black. 244 00:16:52,608 --> 00:16:55,281 And, if you knew, why didn't you do something about it? 245 00:16:55,409 --> 00:16:56,603 Of course, l had to assure myself 246 00:16:56,729 --> 00:16:59,198 that you and Marguerite were going to be a fixture. 247 00:16:59,329 --> 00:17:02,128 You see, l want to lose the dear girl for life. 248 00:17:02,250 --> 00:17:07,769 Not just a two week Tindolini perm, set and touch-up. 249 00:17:11,092 --> 00:17:13,481 -Good shot. -Yes, it was. Yellow. 250 00:17:13,612 --> 00:17:15,011 You see, you don't know her as well as l do. 251 00:17:15,132 --> 00:17:16,691 You think you do, but you don't. 252 00:17:16,812 --> 00:17:20,169 lf you fail her, by which l mean cancelling the account at Harrods, 253 00:17:20,294 --> 00:17:22,603 or short-changing her on winter in Jamaica, 254 00:17:22,735 --> 00:17:25,886 she'll be back to me in a jiffy, mewing for support. 255 00:17:26,014 --> 00:17:29,850 And guilty wife or no, she may be entitled to get it. 256 00:17:30,736 --> 00:17:32,967 -Green. -Money isn't everything. 257 00:17:33,096 --> 00:17:36,089 And what if she is used to luxury? Whose fault is that? 258 00:17:36,217 --> 00:17:40,415 lt's not a fault, if you can afford it, but can you? 259 00:17:42,538 --> 00:17:44,847 Knowing you to be hard up. Brown. 260 00:17:44,978 --> 00:17:47,652 Has she shown any signs of mending her ways 261 00:17:47,779 --> 00:17:50,499 in these last idyllic three months? 262 00:17:51,019 --> 00:17:52,009 Blue. 263 00:17:52,140 --> 00:17:54,177 When, for instance, did she last turn down 264 00:17:54,300 --> 00:17:57,930 a Dom Perignon in favour of, no offence, mind you, 265 00:17:58,062 --> 00:18:01,019 the persuasive charms of Dago Red? 266 00:18:01,142 --> 00:18:02,370 Black. 267 00:18:05,103 --> 00:18:06,502 No, l'm not joking. 268 00:18:06,623 --> 00:18:09,741 How much has this brief liaison cost you, so far? 269 00:18:11,944 --> 00:18:16,336 And that old dad of yours in Soho, when did you last send him any money? 270 00:18:16,985 --> 00:18:21,537 We have talked about money. Often, l've told her we spend too much. 271 00:18:21,666 --> 00:18:23,384 She takes no notice? 272 00:18:23,747 --> 00:18:24,896 None. 273 00:18:25,507 --> 00:18:29,057 A silvery laugh, a coquettish turn of the head. 274 00:18:29,187 --> 00:18:30,985 Something like that. 275 00:18:31,549 --> 00:18:34,620 Well, it's to solve this little problem that l've invited you around here tonight 276 00:18:34,749 --> 00:18:39,107 and this, as they say, is where the plot thickens. 277 00:18:39,749 --> 00:18:41,024 What plot? 278 00:18:49,111 --> 00:18:50,784 Whatever are you doing with that cue in your hands? 279 00:18:50,912 --> 00:18:54,701 -l was waiting for you to miss. -Foolish boy. 280 00:18:56,513 --> 00:18:58,788 Once upon a time, my dear Milo, 281 00:18:58,914 --> 00:19:02,874 there was an Englishman called Andrew Wyke, 282 00:19:02,994 --> 00:19:04,747 who, in common with most of his countrymen, 283 00:19:04,875 --> 00:19:09,586 was virtually castrated by taxation. To avoid total emasculation 284 00:19:09,715 --> 00:19:12,754 his accountants advised him to put a considerable part of his money, 285 00:19:12,876 --> 00:19:17,792 some £250,000, into jewellery. 286 00:19:18,398 --> 00:19:20,150 His wife, of course, was delighted. 287 00:19:20,278 --> 00:19:22,747 Marguerite never told me that you had given her any jewellery. 288 00:19:22,878 --> 00:19:26,155 Nor did l, of course, it's still mine, as well she knows. 289 00:19:26,279 --> 00:19:28,669 We just thought it would be more amusing for her to wear it 290 00:19:28,799 --> 00:19:32,191 than for me to bank it. After all, it's fully insured. 291 00:19:33,081 --> 00:19:35,834 l see what you mean by the plot thickening. 292 00:19:35,961 --> 00:19:37,189 l'm glad you follow me so readily. 293 00:19:37,321 --> 00:19:40,200 You see, l want you to steal that jewellery. 294 00:19:47,684 --> 00:19:51,279 Tonight a choice, with Marguerite away, it's an admirable opportunity. 295 00:19:51,404 --> 00:19:52,473 What about the servants? 296 00:19:52,605 --> 00:19:56,724 l've sent Mr and Mrs Hawkins away to the seaside for a 48-hour paddle. 297 00:19:56,846 --> 00:20:01,078 They won't be back till Sunday night, so, you see, the house is empty. 298 00:20:06,287 --> 00:20:07,516 Cheers. 299 00:20:09,288 --> 00:20:11,119 Well, what do you say? 300 00:20:11,248 --> 00:20:14,286 -lt sounds distinctly criminal. -Well, of course it's criminal. 301 00:20:14,409 --> 00:20:17,481 All good moneymaking schemes in England have to be these days. 302 00:20:17,610 --> 00:20:19,886 Now, the jewellery, when it's not in the bank, 303 00:20:20,010 --> 00:20:24,482 lives in an ingeniously hidden safe somewhere here in the study. 304 00:20:24,611 --> 00:20:27,409 Where, for instance, would you look for it? 305 00:20:47,416 --> 00:20:53,765 A good likeness, would you say? Of course, it's 1 7... No, 18 years ago. 306 00:20:54,577 --> 00:20:56,647 l don't think you'd hide your safe behind it. 307 00:20:56,778 --> 00:20:58,734 l've seen that in too many movies. 308 00:20:58,858 --> 00:21:03,375 Good thinking! All right, then where? Are you up to finding it? 309 00:22:02,471 --> 00:22:06,589 There are certain skills best acquired in public bars, l suppose. 310 00:22:06,712 --> 00:22:10,830 -But whatever made you think? -You and your games. 311 00:22:10,953 --> 00:22:13,514 That is the only game in this room. 312 00:22:15,273 --> 00:22:17,993 Very clever. Anyway, the jewels are in there. 313 00:22:18,114 --> 00:22:20,025 All you have to do is steal them, sell them abroad, 314 00:22:20,155 --> 00:22:22,224 and live happily ever after with Marguerite. 315 00:22:22,355 --> 00:22:25,871 All l have to do is claim the insurance and live happily ever after with Tea. 316 00:22:25,995 --> 00:22:28,385 ls that what you asked me over to hear? 317 00:22:28,516 --> 00:22:32,510 A grotty little plot to defraud the insurance company? 318 00:22:32,637 --> 00:22:34,469 l'm sorry you found the plot grotty. 319 00:22:34,597 --> 00:22:37,237 Personally, l thought it was all rather nicely clear and simple. 320 00:22:37,358 --> 00:22:39,997 Look, supposing l do as you say and nick... 321 00:22:40,118 --> 00:22:42,872 Steal the jewels. lf l sell them under my own name, 322 00:22:42,999 --> 00:22:45,798 l'll get picked up the moment you report the loss. 323 00:22:45,919 --> 00:22:48,958 lf l sell them to a fence, always presuming l could find one, 324 00:22:49,080 --> 00:22:51,754 he'd carve me up, l'd get a fraction of their value. 325 00:22:51,881 --> 00:22:54,601 -Not with the fences l know. -What fences would you know? 326 00:22:54,722 --> 00:22:57,556 The finest in Europe. Prudent, yet prodigal. 327 00:22:57,682 --> 00:22:59,560 l first met them when l was researching 328 00:22:59,683 --> 00:23:02,038 for <i>The Deadly Affair</i> <i>of the Druce Diamond.</i> 329 00:23:02,163 --> 00:23:04,074 Surely you've read it. 330 00:23:04,644 --> 00:23:06,680 Pity. lt was an absolute corker. 331 00:23:06,804 --> 00:23:09,797 ln any case, on your behalf, 332 00:23:09,924 --> 00:23:13,077 l have already contacted a certain gentleman in Amsterdam. 333 00:23:13,205 --> 00:23:14,241 He'll treat you very well. 334 00:23:14,366 --> 00:23:16,561 You won't get the full amount for the jewels, of course, 335 00:23:16,685 --> 00:23:23,287 but you'll get about two-thirds, say, £1 70,000. 336 00:23:23,407 --> 00:23:25,319 You'll get it in cash. 337 00:23:25,928 --> 00:23:28,840 -A hundred and seventy thousand quid? -Cash. 338 00:23:30,849 --> 00:23:32,601 Why should this fellow pay so much? 339 00:23:32,729 --> 00:23:35,369 Because he will get what no fence ever gets, 340 00:23:35,489 --> 00:23:37,321 title to the jewels. 341 00:23:37,451 --> 00:23:40,045 You see, in addition to stealing the jewels, 342 00:23:40,170 --> 00:23:44,723 you have also to take the receipts l got for them. 343 00:23:45,612 --> 00:23:48,365 Now, what does my insurance company discover 344 00:23:48,492 --> 00:23:53,248 as it swings ponderously into action, antennae pulsing with suspicion? 345 00:23:53,374 --> 00:23:56,491 lt discovers that someone impersonating Andrew Wyke 346 00:23:56,614 --> 00:24:03,533 sold the jewels for £1 70,000 cash, but they still have to pay me. 347 00:24:04,335 --> 00:24:05,974 Hard cheese! 348 00:24:06,816 --> 00:24:09,012 Think it over. Take your time. 349 00:24:22,539 --> 00:24:27,853 Look, l know this sounds stupid, but have you had any experience? 350 00:24:27,981 --> 00:24:32,293 l mean, have you ever actually committed a crime before? 351 00:24:33,181 --> 00:24:35,776 St John Lord Merridew would have a pretty lean time of it 352 00:24:35,902 --> 00:24:38,097 if l didn't think up any crimes for him to solve. 353 00:24:38,222 --> 00:24:39,781 St John Lord who? 354 00:24:42,383 --> 00:24:44,659 -You're joking. -What about? 355 00:24:45,824 --> 00:24:48,020 Who is St John Lord Merridew? 356 00:24:48,144 --> 00:24:49,942 Why, even Marguerite, when l first met her, 357 00:24:50,065 --> 00:24:51,657 knew and adored him. 358 00:24:51,785 --> 00:24:55,665 He's my detective, known to millions throughout the civilised world. 359 00:24:55,786 --> 00:25:00,065 With a nose for smelling out evil superior to anything on the force. 360 00:25:00,187 --> 00:25:01,620 Oh, yes. 361 00:25:01,747 --> 00:25:05,457 The police are always stupid in the kind of books you write, aren't they? 362 00:25:05,588 --> 00:25:07,067 They never solve anything. 363 00:25:07,188 --> 00:25:10,818 lt's always the amateur sleuth who knows what's going on. 364 00:25:10,949 --> 00:25:15,307 But that's detective fiction. This is fact, this is real. 365 00:25:15,430 --> 00:25:17,580 l'm well aware of the difference, my dear Milo, 366 00:25:17,711 --> 00:25:21,590 but l'm also aware of my own not inconsiderable capabilities. 367 00:25:22,071 --> 00:25:24,506 Of course, if you doubt them or don't trust me... 368 00:25:24,632 --> 00:25:26,827 l'm not sure that l do. 369 00:25:26,953 --> 00:25:29,751 That's why it's a very difficult decision to make. 370 00:25:29,873 --> 00:25:31,546 Not at all difficult, perfectly simple. 371 00:25:31,673 --> 00:25:34,142 You have an expensive woman and no money. 372 00:25:34,274 --> 00:25:36,071 Yeah, but why don't you steal the bloody jewels 373 00:25:36,194 --> 00:25:37,547 and simply hand them over to me? 374 00:25:37,675 --> 00:25:41,384 l should have thought that was obvious. The burglary has to look real. 375 00:25:41,515 --> 00:25:43,746 This house has actually to be broken into. 376 00:25:43,876 --> 00:25:46,310 Then why don't you break into it? 377 00:25:46,437 --> 00:25:48,792 lt's a question of agility for one thing, dear boy. 378 00:25:48,917 --> 00:25:51,431 Milo, baby, hey, do me a favour. 379 00:25:51,557 --> 00:25:53,389 Let me handle this, you know what l mean? 380 00:25:53,518 --> 00:25:58,229 Crime is my bag. l got this caper all worked out to the last detail. 381 00:26:00,639 --> 00:26:04,872 £1 70,000. 382 00:26:06,680 --> 00:26:10,391 Cash, tax free. 383 00:26:11,842 --> 00:26:15,039 lt'd take an awful lot of Tindolini's tonsorial teasing 384 00:26:15,162 --> 00:26:17,313 to raise that kind of money. 385 00:26:18,003 --> 00:26:20,278 All right, l'll do it. 386 00:26:20,403 --> 00:26:23,282 -Where do you want me to break in? -Oh, no, no. Not so fast. 387 00:26:23,404 --> 00:26:27,159 -You've got to get disguised first. -What for? 388 00:26:27,285 --> 00:26:30,357 Well, suppose somebody saw you climbing in? 389 00:26:30,485 --> 00:26:32,681 Here? ln the middle of nowhere? 390 00:26:32,805 --> 00:26:34,876 l could hardly find this place with a bloody map! 391 00:26:35,006 --> 00:26:37,316 You never know. 392 00:26:37,807 --> 00:26:40,958 A dallying couple, a passing sheep rapist. 393 00:26:41,088 --> 00:26:43,397 Besides, dear boy, don't forget the clues we've got to leave 394 00:26:43,528 --> 00:26:45,485 for the police and the insurance company. 395 00:26:45,609 --> 00:26:48,521 We don't want your footsteps in the flower beds, 396 00:26:48,649 --> 00:26:50,605 or your coat button snagged on the window sill. 397 00:26:50,730 --> 00:26:53,608 No, no, no! You must be disguised! 398 00:26:53,730 --> 00:26:55,323 All right, how? 399 00:26:57,171 --> 00:26:59,810 Please to follow me, number one son. 400 00:27:03,372 --> 00:27:05,204 You know, my dear Milo, 401 00:27:05,332 --> 00:27:08,325 in the good old days, before television, that is, 402 00:27:08,453 --> 00:27:11,446 people constructed the pleasures of life for themselves. 403 00:27:11,574 --> 00:27:13,644 They amused each other and were in turn amused. 404 00:27:13,774 --> 00:27:17,324 They didn't just sit and stare. 405 00:27:17,454 --> 00:27:19,811 Why, in this house there was scarcely a weekend 406 00:27:19,935 --> 00:27:23,087 without its treasure hunts, charades, 407 00:27:23,216 --> 00:27:27,051 games of infinite variety, make up and dress up. 408 00:27:27,177 --> 00:27:30,887 There was virtually no end to the concealment of identity, 409 00:27:31,017 --> 00:27:32,656 but surely Marguerite has told you. 410 00:27:32,778 --> 00:27:35,133 Actually, she never mentioned it. 411 00:27:37,499 --> 00:27:39,456 lt was all some time ago. 412 00:27:40,300 --> 00:27:44,976 A few scenes from some of my books, lovingly recreated by an artist friend. 413 00:27:45,101 --> 00:27:47,661 The necrophilic barber of Tunbridge Wells 414 00:27:47,781 --> 00:27:52,094 and the doltish pie poisoner from the <i>Simple Simon</i> murders. 415 00:27:53,342 --> 00:27:55,856 And here's my favourite. Now, this really is ingenious... 416 00:27:55,983 --> 00:27:59,659 Andrew, we were looking for a disguise. 417 00:27:59,784 --> 00:28:01,422 Quite so, dear boy, so we were. 418 00:28:01,543 --> 00:28:05,059 Now, here we are, the old dressing up basket, 419 00:28:05,185 --> 00:28:09,064 our old treasure chest of make-believe. Let's see what we've got. 420 00:28:09,505 --> 00:28:14,375 This should suit. ltem, one black face mask, one black flat cap, 421 00:28:14,507 --> 00:28:17,101 a striped jersey and a bag marked ''swag''. 422 00:28:17,947 --> 00:28:20,382 Why not a neon sign with ''burglar'' on it? 423 00:28:20,588 --> 00:28:22,340 You may have a point. 424 00:28:23,269 --> 00:28:26,978 One of my favourites, the ecclesiastical house breaker, 425 00:28:27,109 --> 00:28:29,100 Brother Lightfingers. 426 00:28:29,229 --> 00:28:31,790 Perhaps we shall never know the identity of the cowled figure 427 00:28:31,909 --> 00:28:33,628 seen haunting the grounds of the old Manor House 428 00:28:33,750 --> 00:28:34,945 on the night of the terrible murder. 429 00:28:35,070 --> 00:28:38,188 lf living identity had happened. 430 00:28:38,311 --> 00:28:41,145 There are those to this day who claim to hear 431 00:28:41,272 --> 00:28:45,266 the agonised screams of the victim 432 00:28:45,393 --> 00:28:48,544 echoing through the chimney pots! 433 00:28:48,673 --> 00:28:52,064 For Christ's sake, Andrew, stop mucking about! 434 00:28:52,194 --> 00:28:55,824 Haven't you just got an old pair of sneakers, a raincoat 435 00:28:55,955 --> 00:28:57,708 and a sock l can pull over my head? 436 00:28:57,835 --> 00:29:02,785 Old pair of sneakers and a sock? Milo, where's your sense of style? 437 00:29:02,916 --> 00:29:05,908 We must give our crime the true sparkle of the '30s, 438 00:29:06,037 --> 00:29:08,790 a little amateur aristocratic quirkiness. 439 00:29:08,918 --> 00:29:11,512 Don't you feel the need to give your old arch enemy, 440 00:29:11,638 --> 00:29:14,790 lnspector Plodder, of the Yard, a run for his money? 441 00:29:16,519 --> 00:29:20,718 Monsieur Beaucaire. Milo, this is you. 442 00:29:20,840 --> 00:29:24,231 A full-bottomed wig, lots of beauty spots 443 00:29:26,321 --> 00:29:28,756 and all the snuff you could want. 444 00:29:31,122 --> 00:29:32,999 Groovy! 445 00:29:33,122 --> 00:29:36,559 Look, l might even do the whole thing in drag. 446 00:29:40,044 --> 00:29:42,512 Kiss me, you fool. 447 00:29:43,525 --> 00:29:45,959 l can fight it no longer, darling. 448 00:29:46,525 --> 00:29:50,280 lf you must go, don't look back, Andrew... 449 00:29:51,526 --> 00:29:53,404 Jesus Christ! Who's that? 450 00:29:53,527 --> 00:29:56,405 So that's where you've been, Auntie Borden, naughty girl. 451 00:29:56,527 --> 00:29:59,406 -Shall we decide on the dress, then? -No, l don't like it. 452 00:29:59,928 --> 00:30:02,362 Well, you are a choosy one, aren't you? 453 00:30:02,488 --> 00:30:04,444 There doesn't seem to be a very great deal left. 454 00:30:04,569 --> 00:30:07,130 We'll just have to settle for Joey. 455 00:30:08,490 --> 00:30:12,688 Joey. Now you're talking. 456 00:30:12,810 --> 00:30:14,039 A clown! 457 00:30:14,251 --> 00:30:15,730 Can't you see it all? 458 00:30:15,851 --> 00:30:19,891 The sawdust ring, the tinsel, the glitter, the lights! 459 00:30:20,011 --> 00:30:22,163 The elephants, the high wire, the roar of the crowds. 460 00:30:22,292 --> 00:30:25,045 There is Milo Tindle, the kiddies' delight! 461 00:30:25,173 --> 00:30:28,210 -Now, this is all right. -Off with your jacket! 462 00:30:29,294 --> 00:30:30,613 That's right, your shirt and your trousers. 463 00:30:30,735 --> 00:30:31,723 What for? 464 00:30:31,855 --> 00:30:34,653 We don't want the police to find any fibres from this beautiful frock. 465 00:30:34,775 --> 00:30:37,336 You've no idea how clever they are in those laboratories of theirs. 466 00:30:37,455 --> 00:30:39,094 We won't take any risks, you and l. 467 00:30:39,216 --> 00:30:42,527 That's right, down to your smalls. Don't be shy. 468 00:30:44,697 --> 00:30:47,973 l know a well brought up boy when l see one. 469 00:30:48,098 --> 00:30:50,009 Folds his trousers at night, huh? 470 00:31:04,901 --> 00:31:09,578 Hey, slap shoes. Do you know l've always wanted a pair of these? 471 00:31:09,702 --> 00:31:10,691 Yes, my boy. 472 00:31:10,822 --> 00:31:12,734 My father took me to the palladium when l was a kid. 473 00:31:12,862 --> 00:31:14,615 l might have caught on in show business, you know? 474 00:31:14,743 --> 00:31:17,052 You never know, a lot of my friends did. 475 00:31:17,184 --> 00:31:20,460 They got to the top. You know how? They danced their way through. 476 00:31:23,825 --> 00:31:26,898 You know, l guess vaudeville's loss was hairdressing's gain. 477 00:31:27,025 --> 00:31:29,665 -Talking of gain, are we ready? -Yes! 478 00:31:29,786 --> 00:31:33,017 Ladies and gentlemen, your attention please. 479 00:31:33,147 --> 00:31:35,058 The grand parade. 480 00:31:45,829 --> 00:31:47,979 Make way for Tindolini! 481 00:31:49,150 --> 00:31:53,621 The kiddies' favourite. Crazier than Kelly, greater than Grock! 482 00:31:54,751 --> 00:31:56,628 And now, ladies and gentlemen, 483 00:31:56,752 --> 00:32:01,622 in the centre ring, the king of the clowns, Milo Tindolini! 484 00:32:05,713 --> 00:32:09,424 -He thinks l'm funny. -You are funny. Turn it off! 485 00:32:11,954 --> 00:32:15,152 Now then, one glass cutter for breaking in with, 486 00:32:15,276 --> 00:32:17,915 one piece of putty for holding on to the cut piece of glass 487 00:32:18,036 --> 00:32:19,516 so it doesn't clatter to the ground 488 00:32:19,636 --> 00:32:21,389 and awake the ravenous Doberman Pinscher 489 00:32:21,516 --> 00:32:24,715 you suspect lurks inside and one stethoscope. 490 00:32:24,837 --> 00:32:27,227 -Stethoscope? -Safe breakers for the use of. 491 00:32:27,358 --> 00:32:31,352 The theory is you tried to pick the lock of the safe by listening to the tumblers, 492 00:32:31,479 --> 00:32:33,754 you failed and had to resort to dynamite. 493 00:32:33,879 --> 00:32:36,838 -Dynamite? What for? -Safes for the blowing open of. 494 00:32:36,960 --> 00:32:39,758 But you can leave all that to me. Now, how about a bizarre touch? 495 00:32:39,881 --> 00:32:43,954 Perhaps a tear-drenched pom-pom impaled upon a splinter of glass. 496 00:32:44,081 --> 00:32:46,072 Why not take a full page ad in <i>The Times</i> 497 00:32:46,202 --> 00:32:48,193 and sell tickets for the cops to come and watch? 498 00:32:48,322 --> 00:32:49,311 Pom-poms. 499 00:32:49,442 --> 00:32:51,319 Well, l was only trying to lighten lnspector Plodder's day 500 00:32:51,443 --> 00:32:52,432 for him, but if you don't like it... 501 00:32:52,563 --> 00:32:54,634 There is no such animal as lnspector Plodder 502 00:32:54,763 --> 00:32:56,834 outside your detective stories. 503 00:32:56,964 --> 00:32:58,636 lt'll probably be some sharp-eyed bloke 504 00:32:58,764 --> 00:33:01,153 who knows his job down to the last detail! 505 00:33:01,285 --> 00:33:03,241 You can bet your bottom dollar on that! 506 00:33:03,365 --> 00:33:06,438 And l can't move in this outfit! These bloody boots are ridiculous! 507 00:33:06,566 --> 00:33:10,879 But you loved them so. Do keep them on! Can't you see the headlines? 508 00:33:11,006 --> 00:33:14,887 ''Wiltshire paralysed, police baffled, where will Big Boots strike next?'' 509 00:33:15,008 --> 00:33:17,568 Right in the arse, that's where, mine. 510 00:33:18,128 --> 00:33:22,202 All those boots will tell the police is that a true professional 511 00:33:22,329 --> 00:33:24,797 realising that the flower beds would carry footprints, 512 00:33:24,930 --> 00:33:27,569 decided to disguise his own. 513 00:33:27,690 --> 00:33:30,045 Now, do come along. Now, have you got everything? 514 00:33:30,171 --> 00:33:32,890 Glass cutter, putty and... 515 00:33:33,011 --> 00:33:35,446 -Yes, yes, yes... l've got everything. -And the stethoscope? 516 00:33:35,571 --> 00:33:42,046 Milo, you are maudlin. You are the complete clown. 517 00:33:42,253 --> 00:33:43,208 Thank you. 518 00:33:45,414 --> 00:33:47,006 Very clever! 519 00:33:47,374 --> 00:33:50,572 Now, come along with me and listen carefully. 520 00:33:54,655 --> 00:33:57,329 Go around the house to your left, and cross the lawn diagonally. 521 00:33:57,456 --> 00:33:59,924 ln the far corner you'll find a shed, in the shed you'll find a ladder. 522 00:34:00,057 --> 00:34:03,254 Bring it back here and lean it up against the great window in the main room, 523 00:34:03,378 --> 00:34:04,891 so that you can break in on the upper landing. 524 00:34:05,018 --> 00:34:06,337 Understanding? 525 00:34:08,378 --> 00:34:09,971 -Upper landing? -Yeah. 526 00:34:10,099 --> 00:34:13,011 l suppose you couldn't come and hold the ladder steady for me, could you? 527 00:34:13,139 --> 00:34:16,257 Certainly not. l don't want my footprints in the flower beds. 528 00:34:16,380 --> 00:34:18,769 -l'm not very good at heights. -Well, don't look down. 529 00:34:18,901 --> 00:34:22,371 Concentrate instead on thick bundles of crisp pound notes, 530 00:34:22,501 --> 00:34:25,778 1 70,000 of them in cash, tax free. 531 00:34:25,902 --> 00:34:27,540 Good luck, Milo. 532 00:34:32,263 --> 00:34:34,255 Don't forget your gloves. 533 00:34:34,584 --> 00:34:36,255 What a way to make a living. 534 00:36:33,008 --> 00:36:34,839 Did you hear a noise, puss? 535 00:36:36,168 --> 00:36:38,637 And was that a footstep in the garden? 536 00:36:38,769 --> 00:36:42,843 No, no. l must be mistaken. There it is again. 537 00:37:05,054 --> 00:37:06,328 What's that? 538 00:37:06,455 --> 00:37:10,209 Someone outside, prowling around the grounds. l'm certain of it. 539 00:37:44,942 --> 00:37:48,219 Now, now, now. We mustn't imagine things. 540 00:37:48,343 --> 00:37:51,541 Who would harm a kindly old spinster like me? 541 00:37:51,664 --> 00:37:54,974 The front door's locked and the windows, too. 542 00:37:55,385 --> 00:38:00,255 Hey, no one could possibly break into our snug little home. 543 00:38:06,547 --> 00:38:09,506 For Christ's sake, Milo, they couldn't have made more noise on D-day! 544 00:38:09,627 --> 00:38:12,222 The bloody glass came out, my bloody boot got stuck, 545 00:38:12,347 --> 00:38:13,781 and l fell down the bloody ladder! 546 00:38:13,908 --> 00:38:16,662 Well, the bloody police must've heard it all the way to bloody Salisbury. 547 00:38:16,789 --> 00:38:17,938 l'm sorry! 548 00:39:05,758 --> 00:39:08,353 Somehow, l thought you'd be better than that at climbing ladders. 549 00:39:14,240 --> 00:39:17,199 -Now for the jewels. -Not straight away. 550 00:39:17,321 --> 00:39:19,119 You're not supposed to know where they are. 551 00:39:19,241 --> 00:39:23,201 You'll have to hunt about a bit first, disturb a few things. 552 00:39:23,322 --> 00:39:27,111 lf you'll be good enough to follow me Miss Rebecca... 553 00:39:37,805 --> 00:39:39,444 A turnstile to the bedrooms? 554 00:39:39,565 --> 00:39:43,036 One way or another, one always pays to get in. 555 00:39:49,648 --> 00:39:53,687 The mistress' bedroom, or would you know your way about? 556 00:39:53,808 --> 00:39:57,199 -The mistress or her bedroom? -lt's irrelevant. 557 00:39:57,929 --> 00:40:01,684 Now, Milo, where to begin? 558 00:40:02,010 --> 00:40:07,039 The bottom drawer, the trousseau drawer, the frillies! 559 00:40:07,171 --> 00:40:09,446 Take them out, vandalise them. 560 00:40:10,132 --> 00:40:13,727 Come on, Milo, you're a burglar, not a lady's maid. 561 00:40:13,853 --> 00:40:16,287 Don't pat them, ravage them. 562 00:40:16,533 --> 00:40:18,091 Come on, Milo. 563 00:40:19,934 --> 00:40:23,051 Excellent. Now, tear that. 564 00:40:23,295 --> 00:40:24,727 That's better. 565 00:40:24,855 --> 00:40:26,732 Now, where would m'lady hide the trophies 566 00:40:26,856 --> 00:40:29,211 of her skilled accomplishments? 567 00:40:29,336 --> 00:40:33,534 Her rubies, emeralds, diamonds, sapphires interleaved 568 00:40:33,656 --> 00:40:36,729 among her lace-edged underclothes, 569 00:40:36,857 --> 00:40:39,816 stuffed into the false bottoms of hat boxes, 570 00:40:39,938 --> 00:40:43,773 sewn into the hems of always the latest, had-to-have, 571 00:40:43,899 --> 00:40:46,619 at-once-discarded Parisian dresses, 572 00:40:46,739 --> 00:40:52,053 or perhaps secretly concealed in the back of this? 573 00:40:52,860 --> 00:40:55,659 What better safe deposit for deceit? 574 00:40:55,781 --> 00:40:58,899 How often has it reflected the bright eyes that betray? 575 00:40:59,022 --> 00:41:03,857 The mouth that lied and kissed and lied again! 576 00:41:03,983 --> 00:41:06,577 l thought it was me who was supposed to be doing the ravaging? 577 00:41:06,704 --> 00:41:09,423 So it was. So it was. Merely demonstrating, l was. 578 00:41:09,543 --> 00:41:12,263 Be a good fellow. Stamp on that, will you? 579 00:41:13,465 --> 00:41:15,342 -Why me? -l'm afraid if l broke it 580 00:41:15,465 --> 00:41:18,138 l'd get seven more years of Marguerite. 581 00:41:20,306 --> 00:41:21,659 Thank you. 582 00:41:27,708 --> 00:41:29,824 -Now, where's your bedroom? -My... 583 00:41:29,948 --> 00:41:33,180 -lt's my turn to demonstrate. -My dear Milo, 584 00:41:33,308 --> 00:41:35,904 having failed to find the jewels among the lady's personal possessions... 585 00:41:36,029 --> 00:41:37,099 lt'd be a bit suspicious, 586 00:41:37,229 --> 00:41:39,185 a professional burglar playing favourites. 587 00:41:39,310 --> 00:41:41,744 No, on the contrary, an intelligent burglar 588 00:41:41,871 --> 00:41:44,100 would immediately look for the next most likely hiding place. 589 00:41:44,231 --> 00:41:46,381 -Which is where? -The inevitable safe. 590 00:41:46,512 --> 00:41:49,424 Just blow it open and steal what's in it. 591 00:41:49,552 --> 00:41:51,031 Come on, Milo. 592 00:41:52,473 --> 00:41:53,508 Right. 593 00:42:01,594 --> 00:42:04,667 -What kind of charge you got here? -Enough for the job. 594 00:42:04,795 --> 00:42:07,947 l learnt about explosives for <i>The Diary of the Dynamited Duchess.</i> 595 00:42:08,076 --> 00:42:10,909 Ready? Stand by for the countdown. 596 00:42:14,597 --> 00:42:15,597 Five, a four, 597 00:42:15,597 --> 00:42:16,917 Five, a four, 598 00:42:17,038 --> 00:42:18,073 a three, 599 00:42:18,198 --> 00:42:19,267 a two, 600 00:42:19,398 --> 00:42:20,673 a one, 601 00:42:20,798 --> 00:42:21,867 a blast off. 602 00:42:52,605 --> 00:42:54,835 l've got it. l've got it. 603 00:43:00,246 --> 00:43:03,080 What are you shaking it for? lt's a jewel box, not a maraca. 604 00:43:03,207 --> 00:43:05,516 l thought it might have a secret catch. lt's locked, you see? 605 00:43:05,648 --> 00:43:06,636 Well, smash it open. 606 00:43:06,768 --> 00:43:10,444 Jesus, you have all the killer instinct of a 20-year-old Sealyham. 607 00:43:10,568 --> 00:43:13,367 lt's a very pretty box, it seemed such a waste. 608 00:43:24,371 --> 00:43:28,604 -Dear God. -Moses looks upon the Promised Land. 609 00:43:34,053 --> 00:43:35,771 They're fantastic. 610 00:43:46,415 --> 00:43:49,613 -Look at this ruby necklace. -Never much cared for it myself. 611 00:43:49,737 --> 00:43:53,412 Always thought it made Marguerite look like a blood sacrifice. 612 00:43:53,537 --> 00:43:58,407 l wish my old man could see these. He never knew what it was all about. 613 00:43:58,538 --> 00:44:03,169 Sitting there, every night, hunched over those watches of his. 614 00:44:03,299 --> 00:44:06,770 Squinting his eyesight away, and for what? 615 00:44:07,620 --> 00:44:11,819 To give me an education at a second-rate public school. 616 00:44:13,581 --> 00:44:16,096 l suppose he thought he had to. 617 00:44:16,221 --> 00:44:18,531 That he owed it to me 618 00:44:18,662 --> 00:44:21,540 and the brand new Anglo-Saxon world he'd adopted. 619 00:44:24,463 --> 00:44:25,782 Silly old bugger. 620 00:44:25,904 --> 00:44:30,341 Never thought his son would be tucking a fortune away into his pocket, eh? 621 00:44:30,985 --> 00:44:32,816 Family reminiscence, no matter how touching, 622 00:44:32,945 --> 00:44:34,742 is something we just haven't got time for at the moment. 623 00:44:34,865 --> 00:44:36,218 Do you mind? 624 00:44:41,787 --> 00:44:44,382 Now, this is the fun bit, where the householder, 625 00:44:44,507 --> 00:44:46,941 wrenched from his dreams by the sound of the explosion, 626 00:44:47,068 --> 00:44:49,901 surprises the burglar, and in the ensuing fight, 627 00:44:50,029 --> 00:44:52,020 the house is sacked. 628 00:44:52,149 --> 00:44:55,062 Why is it necessary for you to surprise me at all? 629 00:44:55,189 --> 00:44:57,340 Because, if l've seen you at close quarters, 630 00:44:57,470 --> 00:45:00,780 l can always describe you to the police, wrongly. 631 00:45:01,831 --> 00:45:04,299 ''Did you get a good look at the intruder's face, sir?'' 632 00:45:04,431 --> 00:45:07,902 ''Yes, lnspector, l did. l don't know if it was a trick of the light, 633 00:45:08,033 --> 00:45:10,990 ''but somehow, his face seemed not wholly human...'' 634 00:45:11,113 --> 00:45:12,751 How much sacking do you want done? 635 00:45:12,873 --> 00:45:15,104 A decent bit, l think. A few chairs upturned, 636 00:45:15,234 --> 00:45:16,667 ornaments put to the sword, that sort of thing. 637 00:45:16,794 --> 00:45:19,548 You know, convincing but not Carthaginian. 638 00:45:29,357 --> 00:45:31,666 You surely don't call that convincing. 639 00:45:31,797 --> 00:45:33,196 Milo. 640 00:45:40,958 --> 00:45:44,748 Let the literature fly to the four winds, 641 00:45:44,880 --> 00:45:50,433 let the contents of drawers be strewn like autumn leaves. 642 00:46:09,005 --> 00:46:11,280 Hey, that's my new manuscript! 643 00:46:17,407 --> 00:46:19,762 Let my secretary sort it out. 644 00:46:31,209 --> 00:46:33,484 -Enough? -For a starter. 645 00:46:33,610 --> 00:46:38,924 Now, let's see what accident does to artifice, seconds out of the ring. 646 00:46:39,050 --> 00:46:42,488 -What seconds? What for? -The ensuing fight, remember? 647 00:46:45,132 --> 00:46:47,283 -Hey! -Well, you're the underdog, aren't you? 648 00:46:47,412 --> 00:46:51,122 You got the support of the crowd, haven't you? What more do you want? 649 00:46:52,933 --> 00:46:54,731 -You've asked for this. -Don't let me out. 650 00:46:54,854 --> 00:46:56,254 My wife's gonna have a baby. 651 00:46:56,374 --> 00:46:58,127 Now, listen, tiger, don't get all het up. 652 00:46:58,254 --> 00:47:00,849 This fight is fixed, remember? This is where l take a dive, 653 00:47:00,975 --> 00:47:03,284 and you knock me out cold! 654 00:47:04,296 --> 00:47:05,855 -For real? -Naturally. 655 00:47:05,976 --> 00:47:08,695 When the police come, l'll have to show them a real lump. 656 00:47:08,817 --> 00:47:10,853 Yes, l thought you'd like this bit. 657 00:47:10,977 --> 00:47:12,855 You're dead right. 658 00:47:12,977 --> 00:47:15,412 Now, what shall l use? 659 00:47:15,538 --> 00:47:18,053 Not my opaline, if you don't mind. 660 00:47:20,099 --> 00:47:24,298 There it is. The original blunt instrument. 661 00:47:24,420 --> 00:47:26,217 The poker. 662 00:47:26,341 --> 00:47:28,171 -Right. Now, where do you want it? -Now steady. 663 00:47:28,301 --> 00:47:29,370 Now, don't get carried away. 664 00:47:29,501 --> 00:47:31,617 lt's not a murder weapon you are talking about, you know? 665 00:47:31,741 --> 00:47:32,731 -No? -No. 666 00:47:32,862 --> 00:47:34,534 We're discussing an object from which l receive, 667 00:47:34,662 --> 00:47:36,574 in the classic formula, a glancing blow, 668 00:47:36,702 --> 00:47:39,740 which will raise a lump without actually cracking the cranium. 669 00:47:39,863 --> 00:47:41,854 Why don't l just keep tapping you lightly on the head 670 00:47:41,984 --> 00:47:43,861 with the poker, until a lump comes up? 671 00:47:43,984 --> 00:47:45,383 Quite frankly, l've rather gone off the whole thing. 672 00:47:45,504 --> 00:47:48,258 Now, l know, you can always tie me up and gag me and leave me 673 00:47:48,385 --> 00:47:49,818 to be found by the cleaning woman. 674 00:47:49,945 --> 00:47:51,584 ''Lords of mercy, Mr Wyke! 675 00:47:51,705 --> 00:47:55,619 ''Whatever do we be doing there all trussed up like a turkey cock? 676 00:47:59,547 --> 00:48:01,617 ''God bless you, sir. You're trying out something 677 00:48:01,747 --> 00:48:03,943 ''for one of them creepy new books of yours. 678 00:48:04,068 --> 00:48:07,027 ''l know, now don't you mind me. l won't disturb thee. 679 00:48:07,149 --> 00:48:09,583 ''l'll just be getting on with me dusting.'' 680 00:48:09,709 --> 00:48:14,704 Andrew, if l don't knock you out, how have l tied you up? 681 00:48:14,830 --> 00:48:16,423 That's a very good question. 682 00:48:16,550 --> 00:48:18,951 Come to think of it, you could always hold a gun on me. 683 00:48:19,151 --> 00:48:22,383 We professional burglars don't fancy firearms much. 684 00:48:22,592 --> 00:48:24,071 We are English, after all. 685 00:48:24,272 --> 00:48:27,071 You could always conquer your Anglo-Saxon scruples. 686 00:48:27,193 --> 00:48:30,663 Besides, it will be my own revolver, which you had taken from me 687 00:48:30,794 --> 00:48:32,465 during the struggle. 688 00:48:32,714 --> 00:48:34,033 -ls that loaded? -Well, of course. 689 00:48:34,154 --> 00:48:35,189 What would be the use of it, otherwise? 690 00:48:35,315 --> 00:48:38,352 And l think it ought to go off once or twice as we tussle, 691 00:48:38,475 --> 00:48:41,228 blowing to smithereens the usual priceless heirlooms. 692 00:48:41,435 --> 00:48:43,745 -Why? -To lend credence to my story 693 00:48:43,876 --> 00:48:47,710 of your holding it on me, while you gagged me and tied me up. 694 00:48:47,837 --> 00:48:50,306 -All right? -Yeah. Yeah, l suppose so. 695 00:48:50,678 --> 00:48:53,067 Right. Now, what to sacrifice? 696 00:48:54,118 --> 00:48:56,952 What about this old codger up here? 697 00:48:57,078 --> 00:48:58,273 Put that down at once! 698 00:48:58,399 --> 00:48:59,798 That's my Edgar Allan Poe award, 699 00:48:59,919 --> 00:49:01,592 given me by the Mystery Writers of America 700 00:49:01,720 --> 00:49:05,713 for one of Merridew's greatest triumphs, <i>The Slaying of Jack Sprat.</i> 701 00:49:06,160 --> 00:49:08,880 lronically enough, for one who would eat no fat, 702 00:49:09,001 --> 00:49:12,198 he was murdered by an injection of concentrated cholesterol. 703 00:49:12,322 --> 00:49:13,437 Now. 704 00:49:14,723 --> 00:49:19,923 What do you say to the demolition of that gaudy, old Swansea puzzle jug? 705 00:49:29,045 --> 00:49:30,160 Puzzle jug? 706 00:49:30,285 --> 00:49:33,358 To solve the puzzle, pour some water out of it. 707 00:49:42,488 --> 00:49:45,367 -Very funny. -Marguerite thought it clever. 708 00:49:45,489 --> 00:49:47,525 Which ought to tell you something about Marguerite. 709 00:49:47,809 --> 00:49:50,165 Let us expose its shortcomings. 710 00:49:52,530 --> 00:49:54,964 Well, you might've said good shot. 711 00:49:55,210 --> 00:49:58,521 You bloody maniac! You could've killed me! 712 00:49:58,652 --> 00:50:02,611 Tut. Not dead-eyed Wyke, the demon gunman of Cloak Manor. 713 00:50:02,732 --> 00:50:04,211 Now, what next? 714 00:50:08,093 --> 00:50:12,372 The last tender memento of our Venetian honeymoon. 715 00:50:13,014 --> 00:50:15,813 l will not resist the temptation. 716 00:50:16,655 --> 00:50:21,571 Shucks. Gosh darn, if l ain't missed the dog-gone critter. 717 00:50:30,337 --> 00:50:31,736 You hit what you were aiming for, all right. 718 00:50:31,858 --> 00:50:33,258 Now don't be peevish, Milo. 719 00:50:33,378 --> 00:50:35,973 There's nothing like a little bit of mayhem to cheer one up. 720 00:50:36,099 --> 00:50:39,649 -Did you ever know Charlie Begby? -You know damned well l didn't. 721 00:50:39,780 --> 00:50:42,817 He was the very finest shot l ever did see. 722 00:50:42,940 --> 00:50:47,776 l once saw him bag six ducks with one shot, when he was blind drunk. 723 00:50:47,901 --> 00:50:49,176 The only thing was, they were china ducks 724 00:50:49,301 --> 00:50:50,940 in his auntie's drawing room. And l said, 725 00:50:51,062 --> 00:50:54,578 ''But Charlie, you can't do that. lt's the closed season.'' 726 00:50:57,463 --> 00:50:59,374 Told you he always laughs at my jokes. 727 00:50:59,504 --> 00:51:01,335 Even the bad ones. 728 00:51:02,024 --> 00:51:04,822 True, not as funny as all that. 729 00:51:04,945 --> 00:51:08,858 There's an open season all the year round for some creatures. 730 00:51:09,266 --> 00:51:12,064 Seducers and wife-stealers, for example. 731 00:51:12,266 --> 00:51:13,858 Now, that's a bad ltalian joke. 732 00:51:13,987 --> 00:51:16,182 You should know, it's your country of origin, is it not? 733 00:51:16,307 --> 00:51:20,745 No, actually, l'm English. l was born here in England. 734 00:51:20,868 --> 00:51:23,143 Were you now? Actually? 735 00:51:23,269 --> 00:51:25,419 Born in dear old, cradle-of-the-parliamentary-system 736 00:51:25,549 --> 00:51:29,065 who-screws-my-wife, merits-a-large-pink-gin, England? 737 00:51:29,190 --> 00:51:31,750 Sense-of-humour, fair-play England, l mean. 738 00:51:32,351 --> 00:51:34,228 Don't you believe it. That's the way a foreigner talks. 739 00:51:34,350 --> 00:51:37,309 What he really thinks in private is, ''Filthy, wet country! 740 00:51:37,432 --> 00:51:39,388 ''Ugly, red, cold men 741 00:51:39,512 --> 00:51:42,232 ''who don't know how to treat their pale, pink, cool women.'' 742 00:51:42,353 --> 00:51:44,309 And what brought all this on, then? 743 00:51:48,274 --> 00:51:51,186 -What are you doing with that gun? -Pretty obviously pointing it at you. 744 00:51:51,314 --> 00:51:53,146 l can see that, but why? 745 00:51:53,274 --> 00:51:55,994 Because l'm gonna kill you. 746 00:51:56,675 --> 00:51:58,667 You are gonna kill me? 747 00:51:58,795 --> 00:52:02,346 Jesus, here we go again with another one of your games. 748 00:52:02,476 --> 00:52:04,547 Another one? No, it's the same one. 749 00:52:04,677 --> 00:52:06,474 We've been playing it all evening. lt's called, 750 00:52:06,597 --> 00:52:09,988 ''You're going to die, and no one will suspect murder.'' 751 00:52:12,719 --> 00:52:16,712 You... You mean all that steal the jewel stuff was just... 752 00:52:17,079 --> 00:52:20,629 l invited you around here to set up the circumstances of your own death. 753 00:52:20,760 --> 00:52:24,310 The break-in, the disguise, jewels in your pocket, 754 00:52:24,441 --> 00:52:26,636 the house-holder aroused, grappled with the thief, 755 00:52:26,761 --> 00:52:31,962 and gun going off during the struggle and then the final fatal shot. 756 00:52:33,162 --> 00:52:36,235 Knock it off, Andrew, for God's sake. 757 00:52:36,364 --> 00:52:38,958 -lt ain't funny no more. -lt ain't, ain't it? 758 00:52:39,084 --> 00:52:41,996 -Can you find a flaw in it? -Marguerite. 759 00:52:42,125 --> 00:52:44,320 The cops'll trace a connection between Marguerite and me. 760 00:52:44,445 --> 00:52:46,437 -What nonsense. -They'll know that's why you did it. 761 00:52:46,565 --> 00:52:47,999 How was l expected to know who you were? 762 00:52:48,125 --> 00:52:49,844 The law will have every sympathy for me. 763 00:52:49,966 --> 00:52:53,482 Property's always been more highly regarded in England than people. 764 00:52:53,606 --> 00:52:54,926 Even Marguerite will assume that you were, 765 00:52:55,047 --> 00:52:57,278 after all, just an adventurer after her jewels. 766 00:52:57,408 --> 00:52:59,000 A petty sneak thief, 767 00:52:59,127 --> 00:53:03,041 who, in the end, found larceny less burdensome than matrimony. 768 00:53:03,329 --> 00:53:07,039 The way you're finding murder less burdensome than alimony? 769 00:53:07,730 --> 00:53:09,925 Wit in the face of adversity. Good! 770 00:53:10,050 --> 00:53:12,167 You've learnt something from the English. 771 00:53:12,290 --> 00:53:13,610 And here's something else, a sporting chance. 772 00:53:13,731 --> 00:53:14,925 Why don't you make a run for it? 773 00:53:15,051 --> 00:53:17,008 And give you the chance to shoot me down in cold blood? 774 00:53:17,132 --> 00:53:19,487 Hot blood, you mean. But l'll tell you what l'll do. 775 00:53:19,612 --> 00:53:21,763 l'll close my eyes, and count up to 20 slowly. 776 00:53:21,892 --> 00:53:24,407 That should give you a reasonable chance. Go on, Milo, off you go. 777 00:53:24,533 --> 00:53:25,682 One. 778 00:53:27,253 --> 00:53:28,606 One, 779 00:53:29,734 --> 00:53:30,883 two, 780 00:53:31,374 --> 00:53:32,603 three, 781 00:53:32,774 --> 00:53:33,969 four, 782 00:53:34,495 --> 00:53:35,724 five, 783 00:53:35,935 --> 00:53:37,129 six, 784 00:53:37,575 --> 00:53:38,691 seven, 785 00:53:39,136 --> 00:53:40,205 eight, 786 00:53:40,336 --> 00:53:41,530 nine, 787 00:53:41,936 --> 00:53:42,972 10, 788 00:53:43,216 --> 00:53:44,411 1 1 , 789 00:53:44,817 --> 00:53:45,932 12, 790 00:53:46,377 --> 00:53:47,606 13, 791 00:53:47,978 --> 00:53:49,172 1 4, 792 00:53:49,578 --> 00:53:50,693 15, 793 00:53:51,138 --> 00:53:52,367 16, 794 00:53:52,739 --> 00:53:53,967 1 7, 795 00:53:54,539 --> 00:53:55,689 18, 796 00:53:56,099 --> 00:53:57,533 19, 797 00:53:58,100 --> 00:54:00,934 and a 20. 798 00:54:06,821 --> 00:54:10,292 -You left them in that beautiful coat. -Oh, my God. 799 00:54:10,423 --> 00:54:13,176 Let's have you out of that car, shall we? 800 00:54:13,743 --> 00:54:16,895 Those lovely boots back on again, please. 801 00:54:36,668 --> 00:54:38,898 Now, of course, the only question left to be decided, 802 00:54:39,028 --> 00:54:41,020 is where the police shall find you. 803 00:54:41,909 --> 00:54:45,219 Of course, you could be lying sprawled over the desk in the study, 804 00:54:45,350 --> 00:54:48,228 like countless colonels, in countless studies, 805 00:54:48,350 --> 00:54:51,070 or propped up in the log basket like a rag doll. 806 00:54:51,190 --> 00:54:54,547 Which do you fancy, early Agatha Christie or vintage S.S. Van Dine? 807 00:54:54,672 --> 00:54:57,140 For Christ's sake, Andrew, you're talking of a murder! 808 00:54:57,272 --> 00:54:59,309 Of killing a real man! Don't you understand? 809 00:54:59,432 --> 00:55:01,901 l shouldn't use a gun at all. Perhaps best of all, 810 00:55:02,033 --> 00:55:04,706 a real 1930s murder weapon, the mashie niblick. 811 00:55:04,913 --> 00:55:07,303 l've got one in my golf bag. 812 00:55:29,318 --> 00:55:32,152 Dear, old mashie niblick. 813 00:55:32,279 --> 00:55:37,195 l think you'll be found in the fireplace, in a fair old mess. 814 00:55:37,320 --> 00:55:38,594 The body lay on its back. 815 00:55:38,720 --> 00:55:41,440 lts limbs, grotesquely splayed like a broken puppet. 816 00:55:41,561 --> 00:55:46,113 The whole head had been pulped as if by some supernatural force. 817 00:55:46,242 --> 00:55:49,120 ''My God,'' breathed the lnspector, blanching. 818 00:55:49,242 --> 00:55:51,757 ''Thompson, you'd better get a tarpaulin. 819 00:55:51,883 --> 00:55:55,797 ''Excuse me, sir, but was all this violence, strictly necessary?'' 820 00:55:55,924 --> 00:55:57,721 ''l'm sorry, lnspector. 821 00:55:57,845 --> 00:56:00,200 ''l'm afraid l lost control of myself when l saw him 822 00:56:00,325 --> 00:56:02,885 ''handling my wife's intimate garments.'' 823 00:56:03,165 --> 00:56:05,156 lt's too bloody elaborate. l'll tell you what. 824 00:56:05,286 --> 00:56:07,800 l think the scene the police find is simply this. 825 00:56:07,926 --> 00:56:11,363 After the fight, you flee up the stairs, back to your ladder again. 826 00:56:11,487 --> 00:56:13,239 Go on, Milo, flee. 827 00:56:13,368 --> 00:56:14,721 Up you go. 828 00:56:16,168 --> 00:56:17,567 Up you go. 829 00:56:27,810 --> 00:56:29,880 l catch you on the landing, 830 00:56:30,011 --> 00:56:32,809 and in the renewed struggle, l shoot you. 831 00:56:32,931 --> 00:56:37,801 Nothing succeeds like simplicity, don't you agree, Milo? 832 00:56:37,932 --> 00:56:41,812 On the morning of his execution, King Charles l put on two shirts. 833 00:56:42,573 --> 00:56:46,044 ''lf l tremble with the cold,'' he said, ''my enemies will say it was from fear. 834 00:56:46,174 --> 00:56:49,850 ''l will not expose myself to such reproaches.'' 835 00:56:49,975 --> 00:56:53,092 We must also attempt this Anglo-Saxon dignity, 836 00:56:53,216 --> 00:56:56,652 as you mount the steps to the scaffold. 837 00:56:58,336 --> 00:57:01,090 Look, 838 00:57:01,417 --> 00:57:04,888 l can't give anything back, can l? 839 00:57:06,698 --> 00:57:09,691 l mean, if it hadn't been me, 840 00:57:09,819 --> 00:57:12,174 it would've been somebody else. 841 00:57:13,499 --> 00:57:15,331 Please. 842 00:57:15,900 --> 00:57:18,050 l'll go away. 843 00:57:18,260 --> 00:57:21,094 You won't never hear of me, no more. 844 00:57:25,742 --> 00:57:27,858 Why, Andrew? 845 00:57:27,983 --> 00:57:30,052 Why me? 846 00:57:30,943 --> 00:57:32,058 Don't snivel. 847 00:57:32,183 --> 00:57:34,823 l must know why! 848 00:57:36,104 --> 00:57:39,495 l'm amazed you have to ask. 849 00:57:39,625 --> 00:57:41,617 l hate you. 850 00:57:42,106 --> 00:57:45,622 l hate your smarmy good looks, and your easy manner. 851 00:57:45,746 --> 00:57:49,217 l'll bet you're easy in a ski lodge, easy on a yacht, easy on a beach. 852 00:57:49,346 --> 00:57:52,578 l knew you'd wear a gold charm round your neck. 853 00:57:52,708 --> 00:57:56,747 And l'll bet your chest is hairy, and in summer, matted with sun oil. 854 00:57:56,868 --> 00:58:03,059 Above all, l hate you because you're a cowing, blue-eyed wop. 855 00:58:03,229 --> 00:58:05,141 And not one of me. 856 00:58:05,270 --> 00:58:09,503 A creeping, hairdressing seducer of silly women. 857 00:58:09,631 --> 00:58:14,626 A jumped-up pantry boy, who doesn't know his place! 858 00:58:14,752 --> 00:58:20,783 Did you really believe l'd give up my wife and jewellery to you? 859 00:58:20,913 --> 00:58:24,384 That l'd make myself that ridiculous? 860 00:58:26,154 --> 00:58:28,066 Why not? 861 00:58:28,194 --> 00:58:30,425 You're not in love with her. 862 00:58:30,555 --> 00:58:34,151 Whether l love her or not, l found her. 863 00:58:34,316 --> 00:58:36,148 l've kept her. 864 00:58:36,276 --> 00:58:38,996 She represents me. 865 00:58:39,117 --> 00:58:43,077 Once, she was in love with me. 866 00:58:46,718 --> 00:58:49,631 And now, she's in love with me. 867 00:58:49,759 --> 00:58:52,228 And that's what you can't forgive, isn't it? 868 00:58:52,359 --> 00:58:55,558 And after me, there'll be others. 869 00:58:55,680 --> 00:58:57,911 You're gonna kill them, too? 870 00:58:58,041 --> 00:59:00,794 You're mad! You're a bloody madman! 871 00:59:00,922 --> 00:59:03,800 And you are a young man, dressed as a clown, 872 00:59:03,922 --> 00:59:07,233 about to be murdered. 873 00:59:07,362 --> 00:59:10,196 Put the mask on, Milo. -No, no. 874 00:59:10,323 --> 00:59:15,239 -Put it on. -No, please. 875 00:59:15,365 --> 00:59:17,321 Put it on. 876 00:59:26,887 --> 00:59:30,880 Finally, at your moment of dying, you are yourself. 877 00:59:31,008 --> 00:59:34,444 A snivelling, dago clown. 878 00:59:34,568 --> 00:59:36,160 Farewell. 879 00:59:36,289 --> 00:59:38,280 <i>Puncinello.</i> 880 00:59:38,409 --> 00:59:40,605 Please! 881 01:04:42,311 --> 01:04:43,539 Good evening, sir. 882 01:04:43,671 --> 01:04:45,741 l was beginning to think there was no one at home. 883 01:04:45,871 --> 01:04:48,261 lndeed. And who might you be? 884 01:04:48,392 --> 01:04:53,592 Detective lnspector Doppler, sir, of the Wiltshire County Constabulary. 885 01:04:53,713 --> 01:04:57,627 l'm sorry to be calling so late, but l need to have a few words with you 886 01:04:57,753 --> 01:05:00,222 on a very important matter. 887 01:05:00,354 --> 01:05:01,503 Better come in. 888 01:05:01,635 --> 01:05:03,944 Wiltshire County Constabulary, you say? 889 01:05:04,075 --> 01:05:06,464 That's right, sir. l'm normally based in Salisbury, 890 01:05:06,596 --> 01:05:11,625 but your local man here asked me to pop over and give him a hand. 891 01:05:11,756 --> 01:05:15,067 Those were the days, sir. Tunes you could hum. 892 01:05:15,197 --> 01:05:18,713 There's a time for humming, lnspector. Would you care for an aquavit? 893 01:05:18,838 --> 01:05:21,717 -No thank you, sir. l've had my supper. -Well, perhaps you'd prefer a brandy, 894 01:05:21,839 --> 01:05:23,431 or are you going to tell me you never drink on duty? 895 01:05:23,799 --> 01:05:26,268 No, sir. l always drink on duty. 896 01:05:26,400 --> 01:05:29,676 l can't afford to on my own time. 897 01:05:29,801 --> 01:05:31,280 Caviar. 898 01:05:31,400 --> 01:05:33,710 So that's what that looks like. 899 01:05:33,921 --> 01:05:36,276 l've often wondered. 900 01:05:43,723 --> 01:05:47,273 Can't say l care for it all that much, sir. 901 01:05:48,564 --> 01:05:51,125 Tastes like fish eggs. 902 01:05:51,245 --> 01:05:52,234 Fancy. 903 01:05:52,365 --> 01:05:56,358 Now, let me take that nasty taste away with a splendid brandy. 904 01:05:56,486 --> 01:05:59,047 Do follow me, won't you, lnspector? 905 01:06:05,167 --> 01:06:09,286 These old antiques are very interesting, sir. 906 01:06:10,648 --> 01:06:14,562 You have quite a collection of toys. 907 01:06:14,690 --> 01:06:18,239 Autometer, lnspector. And they all work. 908 01:06:18,370 --> 01:06:22,046 l wouldn't have thought there was much point in having them if they didn't, sir. 909 01:06:22,171 --> 01:06:27,006 And now, as the cliché has it, what can l do for you, lnspector? 910 01:06:27,212 --> 01:06:32,367 l am investigating the disappearance of a Mr Milo Tindle. 911 01:06:32,573 --> 01:06:34,131 Do you know him, sir? 912 01:06:34,253 --> 01:06:36,643 Vaguely. 913 01:06:38,055 --> 01:06:42,014 He walked out of his cottage late last Friday afternoon 914 01:06:42,135 --> 01:06:44,491 and hasn't been seen since. 915 01:06:44,615 --> 01:06:46,607 Really, l'm afraid l'm not very much interested 916 01:06:46,736 --> 01:06:49,615 in the migratory habits of hair dressers. 917 01:06:49,737 --> 01:06:51,534 So you do know the gentleman then, sir? 918 01:06:51,657 --> 01:06:53,694 Well, l know his profession. 919 01:06:53,817 --> 01:06:57,128 l think my wife has mentioned he had a shop in London. 920 01:06:57,258 --> 01:07:00,296 When did you last see Mr Tindle, sir? 921 01:07:00,418 --> 01:07:02,774 Some months ago. l wouldn't remember, exactly. 922 01:07:02,900 --> 01:07:04,378 l'd have no reason to, really. 923 01:07:04,499 --> 01:07:08,129 That doesn't quite accord with our information. 924 01:07:08,261 --> 01:07:13,893 l wonder if you could put some water in this brandy for me please, sir? 925 01:07:14,022 --> 01:07:16,410 ln fact, two nights ago, 926 01:07:16,542 --> 01:07:19,774 he told Jack Benn, the licensee of the White Lion, 927 01:07:19,902 --> 01:07:21,734 he was on his way up to see you. 928 01:07:21,863 --> 01:07:24,617 Barmen are notorious opponents of exactitude, lnspector. 929 01:07:24,744 --> 01:07:26,939 Vinous gossip is their stock in trade. 930 01:07:27,064 --> 01:07:29,704 Vinous, as pertaining to wine, l assume, sir. 931 01:07:29,825 --> 01:07:31,736 Very good. 932 01:07:42,908 --> 01:07:44,899 And l was wondering if there was something else 933 01:07:45,028 --> 01:07:48,066 -you could correct for me, sir. -What is that? 934 01:07:48,188 --> 01:07:49,588 The impression, gained by a man, 935 01:07:49,708 --> 01:07:52,747 who happened to be passing your house on Friday night. 936 01:07:52,869 --> 01:07:56,943 -That shots were fired in here. -Shots? 937 01:07:57,070 --> 01:07:59,141 Three, our man thinks. 938 01:07:59,271 --> 01:08:01,740 -A car backfiring? -Oh, no, sir. 939 01:08:01,871 --> 01:08:04,511 l'm afraid that sort of occurrence only comes in, 940 01:08:04,632 --> 01:08:07,385 saving your presence, sir, detective stories. 941 01:08:07,512 --> 01:08:10,630 No, these were shots from a gun. Our man is positive. 942 01:08:10,753 --> 01:08:11,742 l see. 943 01:08:11,874 --> 01:08:14,752 May l ask why you've taken two days to come round and ask me 944 01:08:14,874 --> 01:08:18,184 -about all this? -Well, sir, these things 945 01:08:18,315 --> 01:08:22,274 always take a little longer to check out than you think. 946 01:08:22,555 --> 01:08:27,152 Your local man wanted to be sure of his facts before calling me in 947 01:08:27,276 --> 01:08:30,314 and before troubling a gentleman like yourself. 948 01:08:30,437 --> 01:08:34,113 -Facts? What facts? -Well, after our informant 949 01:08:34,238 --> 01:08:39,267 had reported the incident, we thought we'd better 950 01:08:39,399 --> 01:08:41,196 have a word with Mr Tindle 951 01:08:41,319 --> 01:08:44,198 to see if he could throw any light on the subject. 952 01:08:44,320 --> 01:08:49,031 And could he? The way to turn that off is to press that stop in, lnspector. 953 01:08:50,201 --> 01:08:52,157 -Thank you. -Thank you. 954 01:08:52,402 --> 01:08:58,000 He wasn't at his cottage, all day Saturday, nor all day today. 955 01:08:58,843 --> 01:09:02,678 We must've called there at least half a dozen times. 956 01:09:02,803 --> 01:09:05,602 By Jove, sir. Merridew would've been proud of you. 957 01:09:06,844 --> 01:09:09,120 Your detective, sir. 958 01:09:09,244 --> 01:09:12,283 That's praise, indeed, sir. l'm a great fan of his lordship. 959 01:09:12,405 --> 01:09:13,680 Are you really? 960 01:09:13,806 --> 01:09:15,205 Well, you must tell me which is your favourite. 961 01:09:15,326 --> 01:09:17,079 l, myself, have always had a special affection 962 01:09:17,247 --> 01:09:18,565 for <i>The Case of the Crucified Countess.</i> 963 01:09:18,687 --> 01:09:21,679 When we stepped inside Mr Tindle's cottage 964 01:09:21,808 --> 01:09:25,244 to make sure that no harm had come to him, 965 01:09:25,368 --> 01:09:27,758 we found this, sir. 966 01:09:27,889 --> 01:09:29,686 ''Urgent we talk. 967 01:09:29,809 --> 01:09:33,485 ''Come on Friday evening, about 6:30. 968 01:09:33,610 --> 01:09:34,804 ''Wyke.'' 969 01:09:34,930 --> 01:09:38,321 May l ask, is this your handwriting, sir? 970 01:09:38,451 --> 01:09:42,330 -Yes, it's mine, all right. -So Mr Tindle was here then, sir. 971 01:09:42,451 --> 01:09:45,091 -He was. -And was there an incident 972 01:09:45,212 --> 01:09:49,172 two nights ago, as a result of which shots were fired? 973 01:09:49,293 --> 01:09:52,888 ln a manner of speaking. lt was a game we were playing. 974 01:09:53,053 --> 01:09:56,171 A game, sir? What kind of game? 975 01:09:56,294 --> 01:10:01,893 -lt's called ''burglary''. -Burglary is not a game, sir. 976 01:10:02,776 --> 01:10:04,892 lsn't it about time you told me, 977 01:10:05,016 --> 01:10:07,770 l don't know the seriousness of my position? 978 01:10:07,896 --> 01:10:12,335 A man comes here. Shots are heard. He has disappeared. 979 01:10:12,458 --> 01:10:15,177 Now, what would you make out of that, if you were me, sir? 980 01:10:15,298 --> 01:10:16,777 An open and shut case, 981 01:10:16,899 --> 01:10:18,890 but things are not always what they seem, lnspector. 982 01:10:19,019 --> 01:10:20,293 Why, in <i>The Mystery of the Grand Dummy,</i> 983 01:10:20,420 --> 01:10:25,096 -your favourite, Lord Merridew... -l am waiting for an explanation, sir. 984 01:10:26,341 --> 01:10:30,493 Well, Tindle arrived about 6:30 and left about an hour and a half later. 985 01:10:30,622 --> 01:10:34,331 -l have not seen him since. -And nor has any one else, sir. 986 01:10:34,462 --> 01:10:38,695 But this is absurd. You're not suggesting l killed Tindle? 987 01:10:38,823 --> 01:10:42,338 Killed Tindle, sir? l never mentioned the word ''kill''. 988 01:10:42,464 --> 01:10:46,059 Come now, lnspector. You can't pull that old one on me. 989 01:10:46,184 --> 01:10:50,815 ''Garrotted, sir. May l ask how you knew her ladyship had been garrotted?'' 990 01:10:50,946 --> 01:10:52,617 ''Surely, you told me so, lnspector.'' 991 01:10:52,746 --> 01:10:56,376 ''No, sir. l never mentioned the word garrotted.'' 992 01:10:56,626 --> 01:11:01,747 l am sorry you find us so comic, sir. On the whole, what we do is necessary. 993 01:11:01,867 --> 01:11:04,666 You're just doing your job is the overworked phrase, isn't it? 994 01:11:04,789 --> 01:11:09,385 Possibly, sir. Very possibly. The overworked phrase that is, yeah. 995 01:11:09,509 --> 01:11:13,264 Your wife and Mr Tindle have been associating closely 996 01:11:13,390 --> 01:11:16,110 -for some time, sir. -l thought you'd know about that. 997 01:11:16,231 --> 01:11:19,223 You can't keep anything quiet in a small village. 998 01:11:19,391 --> 01:11:21,110 Perfectly true, sir. 999 01:11:21,231 --> 01:11:23,462 You're not suggesting a <i>crime passionnel?</i> 1000 01:11:23,592 --> 01:11:25,902 l do hope. Not with Marguerite. Oh, God. 1001 01:11:26,032 --> 01:11:27,989 That'd be like knifing somebody for the sake 1002 01:11:28,113 --> 01:11:30,991 of a tablespoon full of cold rice pudding. 1003 01:11:31,154 --> 01:11:34,510 l'm very partial to rice pudding, sir. 1004 01:11:34,634 --> 01:11:38,310 -l find it a great standby. -That's perfect. 1005 01:11:38,436 --> 01:11:41,314 ''All of you had either the means, motive or opportunity,'' 1006 01:11:41,435 --> 01:11:43,745 said lnspector Doppler, as he thoughtfully digested 1007 01:11:43,876 --> 01:11:49,235 another spoonful of his favourite pud. ''But only one of you had all three.'' 1008 01:11:49,357 --> 01:11:53,955 Exactly so, sir, and that person is you. 1009 01:11:56,599 --> 01:11:58,590 l suppose l better tell you what happened. 1010 01:11:58,719 --> 01:12:00,072 That would be helpful, sir. 1011 01:12:00,200 --> 01:12:02,270 Perhaps another drink would be helpful, too. 1012 01:12:02,400 --> 01:12:06,633 l'd love another drink, sir, but l think you'll find that the bottle is empty. 1013 01:12:06,761 --> 01:12:09,037 Quite right, lnspector. That, too, can be corrected. 1014 01:12:09,161 --> 01:12:11,198 Do come with me, won't you? 1015 01:12:11,322 --> 01:12:12,995 Now, as you seem to know, 1016 01:12:13,122 --> 01:12:15,317 Tindle was having an affair with my wife. 1017 01:12:15,443 --> 01:12:17,274 Now, l belong to that rare breed of men 1018 01:12:17,403 --> 01:12:19,520 who genuinely don't mind losing gracefully 1019 01:12:19,644 --> 01:12:21,919 to a gentleman who plays the game by the same rules. 1020 01:12:22,044 --> 01:12:25,720 But to be worsted by a flash, crypto-ltalian lover boy, 1021 01:12:25,845 --> 01:12:30,636 who mistakes my indifference for inadequacy is altogether too much! 1022 01:12:30,846 --> 01:12:33,919 You mean you couldn't bring yourself to accept the situation, sir? 1023 01:12:34,046 --> 01:12:35,035 ls that what you're saying? 1024 01:12:35,167 --> 01:12:39,400 l mean, it was a situation l refused to accept, lnspector. 1025 01:12:42,623 --> 01:12:46,333 Playing the game is very important to you, is it, sir? 1026 01:12:46,464 --> 01:12:49,342 Playing the game and games playing, yes, lnspector. 1027 01:12:49,585 --> 01:12:51,496 l'm not quite sure l see the difference, sir. 1028 01:12:51,625 --> 01:12:53,855 lt's perfectly simple, lnspector. 1029 01:12:53,986 --> 01:12:56,500 Playing the game is what every gentleman does. 1030 01:12:56,626 --> 01:12:59,699 Playing of particular games is my special passion. 1031 01:12:59,826 --> 01:13:03,662 ln a way, my whole life. 1032 01:13:09,268 --> 01:13:11,737 That sounds a bit sad to me, sir. 1033 01:13:11,869 --> 01:13:13,222 Like a child not growing up. 1034 01:13:13,350 --> 01:13:16,467 What's so sad about a child playing, lnspector? 1035 01:13:16,870 --> 01:13:19,943 Nothing, sir, if you're a child. 1036 01:13:21,351 --> 01:13:22,500 Let me tell you, lnspector, 1037 01:13:22,631 --> 01:13:25,942 l have played games of such complexity that Jung and Einstein 1038 01:13:26,072 --> 01:13:29,224 would've been proud to have been asked to participate in them. 1039 01:13:29,352 --> 01:13:33,266 l have achieved flights of the mind and flights of the psyche 1040 01:13:33,394 --> 01:13:35,862 unknown in ordinary human relationships. 1041 01:13:35,994 --> 01:13:41,308 And l've had a very great deal of not altogether innocent fun. 1042 01:13:45,997 --> 01:13:48,669 ls there nothing you would not consider a game, sir? 1043 01:13:48,797 --> 01:13:51,312 Duty, work, even marriage? 1044 01:13:51,557 --> 01:13:53,912 Please, lnspector. Don't include marriage. 1045 01:13:54,038 --> 01:13:58,554 Sex! Sex is the game. Marriage, the penalty. 1046 01:13:59,799 --> 01:14:03,235 Round and round, we jog towards each futile anniversary. 1047 01:14:03,360 --> 01:14:06,477 Pass go. Collect two hundred rows, 1048 01:14:06,601 --> 01:14:09,717 two hundred silences, two hundred scars. 1049 01:14:09,841 --> 01:14:11,194 ln the deep places. 1050 01:14:11,321 --> 01:14:15,315 Are you saying, sir, that because of your indifference to your wife, 1051 01:14:15,442 --> 01:14:18,081 you had no motive for murdering Mr Tindle? 1052 01:14:18,203 --> 01:14:20,842 l'm simply saying, lnspector, that in common with most men, 1053 01:14:20,963 --> 01:14:24,115 l want to have my cookie and ignore it. 1054 01:14:24,364 --> 01:14:26,719 That was rather witty, l thought. 1055 01:14:28,004 --> 01:14:30,075 And what have we here, sir? 1056 01:14:30,405 --> 01:14:32,760 lt's just an old dressing up basket. That's all. 1057 01:14:32,925 --> 01:14:38,284 A traditional place of concealment, l'm sure you'll agree. 1058 01:14:38,967 --> 01:14:41,686 Only of the identity, lnspector. 1059 01:14:43,127 --> 01:14:45,198 ln a game. 1060 01:14:45,328 --> 01:14:46,967 Shall we go? 1061 01:14:49,609 --> 01:14:52,077 -Shall we go? -Yes, sir. 1062 01:14:52,210 --> 01:14:53,723 Coming. 1063 01:14:58,451 --> 01:15:01,967 Anyway, l thought l'd teach young master Tindle a lesson 1064 01:15:02,092 --> 01:15:04,731 for his presumption. Test his mettle, as it were. 1065 01:15:04,852 --> 01:15:07,003 You may not agree with this, lnspector, but you take it from me. 1066 01:15:07,132 --> 01:15:09,852 The shortest way to a man's heart is through humiliation. 1067 01:15:09,973 --> 01:15:13,170 You soon find out what he's made of. 1068 01:15:13,294 --> 01:15:16,684 And how did you plan to go about this humiliation, sir? 1069 01:15:16,815 --> 01:15:20,775 To begin with, by convincing him that as my wife has expensive tastes, 1070 01:15:20,895 --> 01:15:22,454 and he was virtually a pauper, 1071 01:15:22,576 --> 01:15:27,127 he could solve that problem by stealing some valuable jewellery, 1072 01:15:27,257 --> 01:15:30,010 which l had in my safe. 1073 01:15:33,578 --> 01:15:37,332 l further persuaded him to take off his clothes and wear a disguise. 1074 01:15:37,459 --> 01:15:39,017 Appropriately enough, he chose, 1075 01:15:39,139 --> 01:15:41,573 out of that basket you examined, the costume of a clown. 1076 01:15:41,700 --> 01:15:46,330 ln that ludicrous outfit, he broke into the house and blew open my safe. 1077 01:15:48,061 --> 01:15:50,700 The jewels were in this box. 1078 01:15:55,983 --> 01:15:58,372 Good thinking, lnspector. 1079 01:16:03,224 --> 01:16:05,659 -Bravo. -And where are they now, sir? 1080 01:16:05,784 --> 01:16:07,821 l put them in the bank, yesterday. 1081 01:16:07,945 --> 01:16:10,221 -On a Saturday? -Yes, lnspector, on a Saturday. 1082 01:16:10,345 --> 01:16:12,734 l drove over to Salisbury and l put them in the night safe. 1083 01:16:12,866 --> 01:16:15,016 How very provident, sir. 1084 01:16:15,146 --> 01:16:18,378 May l ask what you did after he blew the safe open? 1085 01:16:18,507 --> 01:16:20,145 Tindle pocketed the jewels. 1086 01:16:20,268 --> 01:16:23,101 We struggled convincingly around the house as part of the game, 1087 01:16:23,228 --> 01:16:26,380 and he was about to make off, when l turned nasty and revealed 1088 01:16:26,509 --> 01:16:28,067 the true purpose of the evening. 1089 01:16:28,189 --> 01:16:30,146 This was, of course, that l had manoeuvred him 1090 01:16:30,270 --> 01:16:33,228 into a position where, by pretending to mistake him for a burglar, 1091 01:16:33,350 --> 01:16:36,468 l could legitimately shoot him. 1092 01:16:36,591 --> 01:16:40,903 When you revealed your intentions, sir, 1093 01:16:41,032 --> 01:16:43,148 what was Mr Tindle's reaction? 1094 01:16:43,272 --> 01:16:44,466 Electrifying! 1095 01:16:44,593 --> 01:16:46,424 He swallowed my story, hook, line and sinker. 1096 01:16:46,553 --> 01:16:48,908 He fell to his knees and pleaded for his life, 1097 01:16:49,033 --> 01:16:51,992 but l was implacable. l put the gun against his head 1098 01:16:52,114 --> 01:16:54,628 and shot him 1099 01:16:54,834 --> 01:16:57,474 with a blank cartridge. 1100 01:17:00,595 --> 01:17:03,906 You shot Mr Tindle with a blank cartridge, sir? 1101 01:17:04,036 --> 01:17:05,868 Fainted, dead away. 1102 01:17:05,997 --> 01:17:07,794 So my game was over. 1103 01:17:07,997 --> 01:17:10,751 lt was a most gratifying one. 1104 01:17:10,958 --> 01:17:16,113 You actually put a gun to his head and pulled the trigger 1105 01:17:16,239 --> 01:17:18,514 as a game? 1106 01:17:18,719 --> 01:17:21,678 Call it his initiation test, if you like. 1107 01:17:21,880 --> 01:17:24,030 He came here aping the gentry, 1108 01:17:24,160 --> 01:17:25,992 hoping for acceptance, but he had to be taught. 1109 01:17:26,121 --> 01:17:29,319 You don't join just like that. 1110 01:17:29,441 --> 01:17:34,392 There's such a thing as breeding! The quality that breeding brings. 1111 01:17:34,522 --> 01:17:36,593 lt cannot be acquired. 1112 01:17:36,723 --> 01:17:38,714 Of course, he failed his test abysmally. 1113 01:17:38,844 --> 01:17:40,959 He may well have done, sir, 1114 01:17:41,084 --> 01:17:44,998 but he also must have been put in fear of his life. 1115 01:17:46,245 --> 01:17:50,397 Such irresponsible action warrants a serious charge of assault. 1116 01:17:51,046 --> 01:17:53,276 l suppose that's marginally better than the charge of murder 1117 01:17:53,407 --> 01:17:55,602 you were contemplating a few minutes ago. 1118 01:17:55,767 --> 01:17:57,325 l still am contemplating it, sir. 1119 01:17:57,447 --> 01:17:59,518 Come now, lnspector, l told you what happened. 1120 01:17:59,647 --> 01:18:01,240 After a few minutes, he came to his senses, 1121 01:18:01,368 --> 01:18:03,598 realised shrewdly that he wasn't dead after all, 1122 01:18:03,728 --> 01:18:07,358 and after only a few too many brandies, lurched off home. 1123 01:18:07,569 --> 01:18:11,085 l'm sorry you appear to find this all quite so funny, Mr Wyke. 1124 01:18:12,370 --> 01:18:15,249 We may not take quite the same attitude. 1125 01:18:16,211 --> 01:18:17,963 Now, look here. 1126 01:18:19,252 --> 01:18:21,083 Why can't you see this from my point of view? 1127 01:18:21,212 --> 01:18:24,443 ln a sense, Tindle was a burglar. He was stealing my wife, wasn't he? 1128 01:18:24,573 --> 01:18:26,962 Which justified your torturing and then murdering him, sir? 1129 01:18:27,093 --> 01:18:29,288 Of course not. Don't you see? lt was a game. 1130 01:18:29,414 --> 01:18:32,133 -Just a bloody game. -Bloody indeed, sir. 1131 01:18:32,255 --> 01:18:34,689 l achieved what l set out to do, and that was all. 1132 01:18:34,814 --> 01:18:36,089 You may well have achieved murder, sir. 1133 01:18:36,215 --> 01:18:37,933 -No. -l believe so, sir. 1134 01:18:38,135 --> 01:18:40,696 No, l told you everything that happened. 1135 01:18:40,816 --> 01:18:42,613 Would you mind if l had a look around, sir? 1136 01:18:42,736 --> 01:18:44,647 Crawl about on all fours, if you like. 1137 01:18:44,777 --> 01:18:47,245 Get out your envelope and imprison hairs. 1138 01:18:47,378 --> 01:18:50,495 Gather ye blunt instruments while ye may. 1139 01:18:56,019 --> 01:19:00,252 Now, l ask myself, if l wanted to conceal Tindle's body, 1140 01:19:00,380 --> 01:19:03,452 where would l put it? 1141 01:19:03,581 --> 01:19:07,733 ln my good friend, Jolly Jack Tar the Sailor. 1142 01:19:26,385 --> 01:19:28,945 Very amusing, sir. 1143 01:19:29,065 --> 01:19:30,784 May l ask how you did that? 1144 01:19:30,906 --> 01:19:33,625 No. Jolly Jack and l have our little secret. 1145 01:19:33,827 --> 01:19:38,105 Then may l ask how you made those holes in the wall? 1146 01:19:38,228 --> 01:19:40,059 That one over there. 1147 01:19:40,188 --> 01:19:42,463 And this one over here. 1148 01:19:44,629 --> 01:19:48,542 -They look like bullet holes to me, sir. -Quite right, lnspector. 1149 01:19:48,670 --> 01:19:49,739 So they are. 1150 01:19:49,870 --> 01:19:53,705 l understood you, sir, say that you used a blank. 1151 01:19:53,950 --> 01:19:57,740 Two live bullets to set up the trick and one blank to complete it. 1152 01:19:57,872 --> 01:19:59,783 l had to persuade Tindle l was in earnest. 1153 01:19:59,952 --> 01:20:01,351 l see, sir. 1154 01:20:01,512 --> 01:20:02,866 One blank. 1155 01:20:03,033 --> 01:20:04,625 Then would you just show me please, sir, 1156 01:20:04,753 --> 01:20:07,552 where Mr Tindle was when you killed him? 1157 01:20:08,954 --> 01:20:12,105 -Pretended to kill him, you mean. -Quite so. 1158 01:20:12,314 --> 01:20:16,103 Then would you show me exactly where he was when the bullet hit him? 1159 01:20:16,236 --> 01:20:18,675 l keep telling you, it was not a real bullet. 1160 01:20:18,675 --> 01:20:19,552 l keep telling you, it was not a real bullet. 1161 01:20:19,756 --> 01:20:22,350 So you do, sir. So you do. 1162 01:20:22,597 --> 01:20:27,625 Very well, then. Where was he when the blank cartridge was fired? 1163 01:20:27,798 --> 01:20:30,232 He was standing, or l should say kneeling, 1164 01:20:30,358 --> 01:20:33,669 or, more accurately, cowering here. 1165 01:20:39,720 --> 01:20:41,676 About here you say, sir? 1166 01:20:41,801 --> 01:20:43,871 Two steps down. 1167 01:20:45,961 --> 01:20:46,997 That's it. 1168 01:20:47,122 --> 01:20:49,761 Were you close to Mr Tindle when you fired the gun? 1169 01:20:49,883 --> 01:20:53,193 Very. l was standing over him, in fact, with the gun against his head. 1170 01:20:53,323 --> 01:20:55,553 You see, it was the actual feel of the gun, 1171 01:20:55,683 --> 01:20:59,438 coupled with the noise of the explosion that did the trick. 1172 01:21:12,687 --> 01:21:15,997 The traditional tool of your trade, lnspector? 1173 01:21:56,175 --> 01:21:58,212 Joke blood, sir? 1174 01:22:01,297 --> 01:22:03,492 l don't think l quite follow, lnspector. 1175 01:22:03,617 --> 01:22:06,655 Here. On the banisters, 1176 01:22:06,777 --> 01:22:09,418 and underneath the carpet. 1177 01:22:14,019 --> 01:22:17,490 -lt's dry blood, sir. -Blood? 1178 01:22:17,620 --> 01:22:19,338 Where? 1179 01:22:25,861 --> 01:22:28,092 Don't touch it. 1180 01:22:28,223 --> 01:22:30,338 That's dried blood, all right. 1181 01:22:30,463 --> 01:22:32,294 Some more, over here. 1182 01:22:32,423 --> 01:22:35,017 Someone's been rubbing the carpet, you see that? 1183 01:22:35,144 --> 01:22:36,418 Deep in the pile. 1184 01:22:37,064 --> 01:22:38,942 That's blood, sir. 1185 01:22:41,265 --> 01:22:43,176 lt's still damp. 1186 01:22:44,385 --> 01:22:47,344 Will you explain to me how that got there? 1187 01:22:47,466 --> 01:22:49,422 l have no idea. 1188 01:22:49,547 --> 01:22:52,937 Tindle wasn't wounded or hurt in any way. 1189 01:22:53,067 --> 01:22:55,058 You must believe me. 1190 01:22:56,868 --> 01:23:01,067 With real bullets and real blood? 1191 01:23:01,189 --> 01:23:05,706 lsn't it about time we stopped talking about games, sir? 1192 01:23:05,829 --> 01:23:07,866 Look! Look at the window. 1193 01:23:07,990 --> 01:23:11,506 There, you can see the pane of glass he cut out in order to break in. 1194 01:23:11,631 --> 01:23:14,510 And down there, the imprint of the ladder in the flower bed 1195 01:23:14,631 --> 01:23:18,307 and the size 28 boots, or whatever the hell it was he was wearing. 1196 01:23:18,432 --> 01:23:19,581 Look, l can show you. 1197 01:23:19,712 --> 01:23:22,432 Over the years my eyes have been adequately trained 1198 01:23:22,553 --> 01:23:24,943 -to see things for themselves, sir. -l'm sure they have, lnspector. 1199 01:23:25,073 --> 01:23:28,749 l'm just trying to point out a few facts to substantiate my story. 1200 01:23:28,874 --> 01:23:32,311 Like the blown safe l showed you in the study 1201 01:23:32,435 --> 01:23:35,586 and like the dressing up basket you found in the cellar. 1202 01:23:35,716 --> 01:23:40,188 You say that Mr Tindle disguised himself as a clown. 1203 01:23:40,316 --> 01:23:43,867 l saw no such costume in that basket, 1204 01:23:43,997 --> 01:23:47,434 nor have you pointed out that mound of earth in the garden, 1205 01:23:47,558 --> 01:23:50,949 -have you, sir? -Mound of earth? 1206 01:23:53,159 --> 01:23:55,196 What mound of earth? 1207 01:23:55,320 --> 01:23:58,313 That one over by the far wall. 1208 01:23:58,440 --> 01:24:00,636 ln the shade of that cedar tree. 1209 01:24:00,761 --> 01:24:04,755 -l can't see anything. -Well, it's there, all right. 1210 01:24:04,881 --> 01:24:08,352 l saw it before l rang your bell. 1211 01:24:08,483 --> 01:24:11,600 l think we'd better go and have a look at it. 1212 01:24:23,005 --> 01:24:24,917 Together, sir. 1213 01:24:45,170 --> 01:24:46,398 Here we are, sir. 1214 01:24:46,531 --> 01:24:51,082 Now, would you say that had been freshly dug, sir? 1215 01:24:51,212 --> 01:24:52,200 How do l know? 1216 01:24:52,332 --> 01:24:54,607 lt's probably something the gardener's been doing. Ask him. 1217 01:24:54,732 --> 01:24:56,529 You'll find him somewhere, maundering about, 1218 01:24:56,652 --> 01:24:59,689 aching for an opportunity to slander his employer. They all do. 1219 01:24:59,813 --> 01:25:02,374 For my part, l've always found 1220 01:25:02,494 --> 01:25:05,133 that gardeners make excellent witnesses. 1221 01:25:05,254 --> 01:25:08,451 They're slow, they're methodical, and they're positive. 1222 01:25:08,575 --> 01:25:11,534 lnspector, l've had just about enough of this farce. 1223 01:25:11,655 --> 01:25:15,775 Do you really think l'd be fool enough to bury Tindle out here, in the garden, 1224 01:25:15,896 --> 01:25:18,889 leaving all that newly turned earth for everyone to find? 1225 01:25:19,017 --> 01:25:21,372 lf you weren't expecting us, sir, yes. 1226 01:25:21,497 --> 01:25:22,772 ln a couple of weeks, 1227 01:25:22,897 --> 01:25:25,731 with a little grass seed, or a few bulbs, 1228 01:25:25,858 --> 01:25:29,295 it'd be very difficult to tell it had ever been disturbed. 1229 01:25:29,419 --> 01:25:32,729 We in the police force know just how fond murderers are 1230 01:25:32,860 --> 01:25:34,691 of their back gardens, sir. 1231 01:25:34,820 --> 01:25:36,970 One's as near a murderer's heart in the garden 1232 01:25:37,101 --> 01:25:39,615 as anywhere else on earth, lnspector? 1233 01:25:39,741 --> 01:25:41,413 Excepting the bedroom, sir. 1234 01:25:41,541 --> 01:25:44,818 l think you'll find that's still the favourite. 1235 01:26:07,867 --> 01:26:11,064 There's no mistaking whose room this is, sir? 1236 01:26:17,428 --> 01:26:19,420 My wife showers. 1237 01:26:19,549 --> 01:26:21,221 l bathe. 1238 01:26:52,156 --> 01:26:56,150 Clothing all screwed up on the floor of the wardrobe. 1239 01:26:56,276 --> 01:26:58,472 That's not like you, sir. 1240 01:27:00,117 --> 01:27:04,350 Here's an interesting monogram. l W. 1241 01:27:04,478 --> 01:27:07,232 Or have l got this the wrong way up? 1242 01:27:08,959 --> 01:27:12,031 M T. 1243 01:27:12,160 --> 01:27:13,957 Let me see that. 1244 01:27:18,121 --> 01:27:22,081 Made by Owen and Tancredi of Percy Street. 1245 01:27:22,242 --> 01:27:25,871 For Mr Milo Tindle. November 12. 1246 01:27:26,683 --> 01:27:28,002 Tell me, sir. 1247 01:27:28,123 --> 01:27:31,594 When Mr Tindle lurched off, as you put it, 1248 01:27:31,724 --> 01:27:34,478 did he lurch naked? 1249 01:27:34,604 --> 01:27:38,439 And did he subsequently lurch naked through the streets of the village? 1250 01:27:38,565 --> 01:27:41,239 He changed back before he left into these clothes. 1251 01:27:41,365 --> 01:27:44,119 Do you still maintain, sir, that Mr Tindle 1252 01:27:44,246 --> 01:27:47,000 changed into the clown's costume in the cellar? 1253 01:27:47,126 --> 01:27:48,925 -Yes. -Another part 1254 01:27:49,047 --> 01:27:52,324 of the humiliation process, l suppose. 1255 01:27:52,448 --> 01:27:56,124 Then someone must have carried his clothing up from the cellar, 1256 01:27:56,249 --> 01:27:57,682 and placed them in this wardrobe. 1257 01:27:57,809 --> 01:28:00,165 -l did. -Why? 1258 01:28:00,289 --> 01:28:02,326 Because l thought they'd be better off in a wardrobe 1259 01:28:02,450 --> 01:28:05,601 than a dusty old cellar. More convenient. 1260 01:28:05,731 --> 01:28:08,529 All screwed up on the floor of a wardrobe? Why? 1261 01:28:08,651 --> 01:28:10,801 l didn't think it wouldn't be long before he'd be changing back. 1262 01:28:10,932 --> 01:28:14,641 -lt's all so baffling. -Not at all, sir. 1263 01:28:15,733 --> 01:28:18,725 You threw those clothes on the floor of the wardrobe 1264 01:28:18,853 --> 01:28:22,642 because you knew that Mr Tindle would not be needing them again. 1265 01:28:22,774 --> 01:28:24,969 Ever! That's right, sir, isn't it? 1266 01:28:25,095 --> 01:28:29,293 He changed back before he left and wore them when he went away. 1267 01:28:29,415 --> 01:28:31,771 l think you started this 1268 01:28:31,896 --> 01:28:34,490 exactly as you say you did. 1269 01:28:34,616 --> 01:28:39,486 As a game, in order to play a diabolical trick on Mr Tindle, 1270 01:28:39,618 --> 01:28:40,937 but that it went wrong. 1271 01:28:41,058 --> 01:28:44,494 Your third shot was not a blank as you had supposed, 1272 01:28:44,619 --> 01:28:47,532 but a live bullet, that killed Mr Tindle 1273 01:28:47,659 --> 01:28:49,537 stone dead! 1274 01:28:49,660 --> 01:28:53,779 Spattering blood on the banisters in the process. 1275 01:28:53,900 --> 01:28:57,610 Then, when you realised what you'd done, 1276 01:28:57,741 --> 01:28:59,220 you simply panicked, 1277 01:28:59,341 --> 01:29:01,412 like a thousand murderers before you, 1278 01:29:01,542 --> 01:29:04,932 and buried the corpse in the garden. 1279 01:29:05,063 --> 01:29:06,655 lt was very silly of you 1280 01:29:06,783 --> 01:29:09,456 not to clean the blood properly off the banisters 1281 01:29:09,584 --> 01:29:13,214 -and burn his clothes. -l swear, Tindle left here alive! 1282 01:29:13,344 --> 01:29:15,734 At the risk of appearing facetious, sir, 1283 01:29:15,864 --> 01:29:17,776 you had better tell that to the judge. 1284 01:29:17,905 --> 01:29:19,737 Look, there's only one way of dealing with this. 1285 01:29:19,866 --> 01:29:21,219 lf you think Tindle's out in the garden, 1286 01:29:21,346 --> 01:29:23,462 for Christ's sake, why don't you go dig him up? 1287 01:29:23,666 --> 01:29:25,259 We don't need to find him, sir. 1288 01:29:25,387 --> 01:29:28,299 lf Mr Tindle is not beneath that newly turned earth, 1289 01:29:28,428 --> 01:29:30,895 it would merely go to indicate that in your panic 1290 01:29:31,028 --> 01:29:32,620 you first thought of putting him there, 1291 01:29:32,748 --> 01:29:34,944 changed your mind and buried him somewhere else. 1292 01:29:35,069 --> 01:29:37,139 -Where? -That's not important, sir. 1293 01:29:37,269 --> 01:29:38,907 He'll turn up, sooner or later. 1294 01:29:39,030 --> 01:29:42,022 And if he doesn't, it scarcely matters. 1295 01:29:42,150 --> 01:29:44,870 We have your note summoning Mr Tindle here. 1296 01:29:44,990 --> 01:29:47,710 Shots were heard, bullet holes made. 1297 01:29:47,831 --> 01:29:50,141 Blood is on the banisters and the carpet. 1298 01:29:50,272 --> 01:29:51,991 His clothes were hidden in your wardrobe, 1299 01:29:52,112 --> 01:29:54,911 and he had disappeared. 1300 01:29:55,033 --> 01:29:57,025 Who needs a body? 1301 01:29:58,153 --> 01:29:59,473 Sir. 1302 01:30:00,874 --> 01:30:02,194 Come along, then. 1303 01:30:02,315 --> 01:30:04,987 -lt's time to go, sir. -No. l can't believe it... 1304 01:30:05,115 --> 01:30:08,710 l'm afraid, sir, that l must insist. 1305 01:30:08,836 --> 01:30:10,349 There is a police car at the end of the driveway. 1306 01:30:10,476 --> 01:30:12,991 l don't care if there's a fleet of police cars, 1307 01:30:13,116 --> 01:30:15,311 l'm not bloody well going! 1308 01:30:27,839 --> 01:30:29,831 Now, let's have no... 1309 01:30:29,960 --> 01:30:32,634 -Please, don't make it difficult. -Christ, you're hurting my arm! 1310 01:30:32,760 --> 01:30:35,912 Really, you give me no alternative, sir. lf you'll just cooperate. 1311 01:30:36,041 --> 01:30:38,077 Let me get my lawyer. lt's my right! 1312 01:30:38,202 --> 01:30:40,432 We can make a call from the police station. 1313 01:30:40,562 --> 01:30:44,078 We wouldn't want to do anything unconstitutional. 1314 01:30:44,203 --> 01:30:47,161 Come now, sir. Don't despair. 1315 01:30:47,283 --> 01:30:50,560 You may get off with as little as seven years. 1316 01:30:50,684 --> 01:30:52,277 Seven years! 1317 01:30:52,404 --> 01:30:56,478 Seven years to regret the playing of silly games 1318 01:30:56,605 --> 01:30:59,165 -that go wrong. -Spare me the sermon if you don't mind! 1319 01:30:59,286 --> 01:31:01,720 lt didn't go wrong, it all went bloody well right. 1320 01:31:01,846 --> 01:31:03,644 You think so, do you, sir? 1321 01:31:05,447 --> 01:31:08,599 We real life policemen are not as stupid 1322 01:31:08,728 --> 01:31:13,325 as we are sometimes portrayed by writers like yourself. 1323 01:31:13,448 --> 01:31:15,440 We may not have our monocles, 1324 01:31:15,569 --> 01:31:21,042 or our orchid houses, our deer stalkers or our shovel hats, 1325 01:31:21,250 --> 01:31:25,483 but we are reasonably effective, for all that, sir. 1326 01:31:25,611 --> 01:31:29,048 You seem to know a hell of a lot about detective stories, lnspector. 1327 01:31:29,172 --> 01:31:33,007 Yes, l have read quite a few in my time, sir. 1328 01:31:33,333 --> 01:31:38,852 And in recent years, l have come to believe that the detective story 1329 01:31:38,974 --> 01:31:41,887 is the normal recreation of noble minds, sir. 1330 01:31:42,014 --> 01:31:44,813 Who or what the hell are you? 1331 01:31:49,976 --> 01:31:54,732 Detective lnspector Doppler, sir. 1332 01:31:57,578 --> 01:32:01,287 lt is spelt like <i>"doppel",</i> 1333 01:32:01,419 --> 01:32:06,892 which, as l'm sure you know, means ''double'', 1334 01:32:08,460 --> 01:32:09,813 in German. 1335 01:32:11,380 --> 01:32:16,455 And for those whose minds run to these things, 1336 01:32:18,222 --> 01:32:21,738 it is virtually an anagram 1337 01:32:22,543 --> 01:32:23,942 of the word 1338 01:32:24,463 --> 01:32:25,737 ''plodder''. 1339 01:32:27,584 --> 01:32:29,859 So 1340 01:32:29,985 --> 01:32:32,419 lnspector Plodder 1341 01:32:33,425 --> 01:32:35,064 becomes 1342 01:32:35,186 --> 01:32:37,904 lnspector Doppler, 1343 01:32:40,786 --> 01:32:43,699 if you see what l mean, 1344 01:32:48,308 --> 01:32:49,297 sir. 1345 01:32:54,469 --> 01:32:55,789 Milo! 1346 01:32:56,670 --> 01:32:57,989 The same. 1347 01:32:58,910 --> 01:33:00,583 You shit. 1348 01:33:06,272 --> 01:33:11,393 You all-time, knock-down, champion bastard, Milo. 1349 01:33:12,313 --> 01:33:13,871 You're too kind. 1350 01:33:21,955 --> 01:33:25,345 l'm not saying it wasn't well done, it was extremely. 1351 01:33:25,476 --> 01:33:28,912 Yes, well, the thing was brilliant. 1352 01:33:29,076 --> 01:33:32,387 lncidentally, you forgot to take out your left eye. 1353 01:33:36,438 --> 01:33:38,349 Now he knows l'm funny. 1354 01:33:38,678 --> 01:33:40,589 Do have a drink, Milo. 1355 01:33:41,238 --> 01:33:42,831 l'm sorry. Do help yourself. 1356 01:33:42,959 --> 01:33:46,032 l'll have a wash first. l'm covered in makeup and spirit gum. 1357 01:33:46,159 --> 01:33:50,154 -Of course, use the kitchen. -No, l prefer the master bathroom. 1358 01:34:00,003 --> 01:34:02,392 Your very good health, sir. 1359 01:34:21,887 --> 01:34:25,767 l must say, l must congratulate you, Milo. 1360 01:34:25,888 --> 01:34:27,606 lt was first class. 1361 01:34:28,408 --> 01:34:31,606 You sure had me going there for a while. 1362 01:34:31,729 --> 01:34:33,082 For a while? 1363 01:34:37,970 --> 01:34:40,689 Well, it was quite a while, l concede. 1364 01:34:40,811 --> 01:34:43,200 But l got a bit suspicious towards the end, you know? 1365 01:34:43,332 --> 01:34:46,563 You did go on a bit, l thought. 1366 01:34:59,055 --> 01:35:01,728 What did you think of my performance? 1367 01:35:01,935 --> 01:35:06,009 The anguish of the innocent man trapped by circumstantial evidence. 1368 01:35:06,296 --> 01:35:09,289 -lt wasn't a performance. -Of course it was. 1369 01:35:09,416 --> 01:35:11,328 l had to be convincing. 1370 01:35:11,457 --> 01:35:13,414 Apparently l succeeded. 1371 01:35:13,978 --> 01:35:17,368 You just don't know how to lose at all, do you, Andrew? 1372 01:35:17,819 --> 01:35:20,458 All that crap you gave old Doppler 1373 01:35:20,579 --> 01:35:22,695 about the gentry losing gracefully. 1374 01:35:22,819 --> 01:35:24,538 Jesus! 1375 01:35:24,659 --> 01:35:28,700 l told you, you did well. lt was really good. 1376 01:35:28,981 --> 01:35:31,290 l loved your lnspector Doppler. 1377 01:35:31,421 --> 01:35:35,461 l'm glad you view the trifling masquerade in that light, sir. 1378 01:35:35,582 --> 01:35:37,937 Your makeup was damned good. First class. 1379 01:35:38,062 --> 01:35:42,295 -You didn't do that yourself, did you? -l am a hair dresser, don't forget. 1380 01:35:42,503 --> 01:35:45,780 l do have friends in the arts. 1381 01:35:47,905 --> 01:35:51,215 l suppose you sneaked... Slipped in here yesterday 1382 01:35:51,345 --> 01:35:53,621 -while l was in Salisbury. -Yes. 1383 01:35:53,745 --> 01:35:56,385 Dumped your clothes into my wardrobe 1384 01:35:56,506 --> 01:36:00,466 and sprinkled a little sacrificial blood onto the banisters. 1385 01:36:00,587 --> 01:36:04,342 lt wasn't my blood, l know you'll be relieved to hear. 1386 01:36:04,548 --> 01:36:06,743 l got it from a pig's liver. 1387 01:36:07,149 --> 01:36:10,061 Thought you could've used almost any dago wine. 1388 01:36:10,189 --> 01:36:11,669 l'll have that drink now. 1389 01:36:11,790 --> 01:36:13,382 -Of course. -Gin and tonic, l think. 1390 01:36:13,510 --> 01:36:16,423 Well, you richly deserve it, my dear fellow. Come along. 1391 01:36:19,791 --> 01:36:24,741 You know, l haven't congratulated you yet on your game. 1392 01:36:25,912 --> 01:36:29,030 -lt was jolly good. -You really think so? Good. 1393 01:36:29,153 --> 01:36:31,348 Must say l was rather delighted with it myself. 1394 01:36:31,473 --> 01:36:32,792 l say, 1395 01:36:32,913 --> 01:36:36,794 did you really think your last moment on earth had come? 1396 01:36:37,115 --> 01:36:38,229 Yes. 1397 01:36:38,715 --> 01:36:40,752 You're not cross, are you? 1398 01:36:42,075 --> 01:36:43,190 Cross? 1399 01:36:43,355 --> 01:36:45,108 l don't understand. 1400 01:36:45,236 --> 01:36:47,114 That's one of your words. 1401 01:36:47,356 --> 01:36:51,032 Look, as l explained to you when you were playing Doppler, 1402 01:36:51,157 --> 01:36:54,673 l had to test your mettle to see if, as l suspected, 1403 01:36:54,798 --> 01:36:57,266 you really were my sort of person. 1404 01:36:58,119 --> 01:37:01,031 -The games playing sort of person? -Exactly. 1405 01:37:02,039 --> 01:37:04,952 -And am l? -There's no question about it. 1406 01:37:05,400 --> 01:37:08,916 Compare your experience this weekend, my dear Milo, 1407 01:37:09,041 --> 01:37:10,839 with any other moments in your life. 1408 01:37:10,961 --> 01:37:12,759 Now if you're honest with yourself, you'll have to admit 1409 01:37:12,881 --> 01:37:16,717 that you lived more intensely in my company than in anybody else's, 1410 01:37:16,842 --> 01:37:18,834 not even with Marguerite. 1411 01:37:18,963 --> 01:37:22,273 Now, we know what it is to play a game, 1412 01:37:22,964 --> 01:37:24,317 you and l. 1413 01:37:24,844 --> 01:37:26,358 That's so rare. 1414 01:37:26,805 --> 01:37:30,081 Two people brought together, equally matched, 1415 01:37:30,565 --> 01:37:33,763 having the courage and the talents 1416 01:37:33,886 --> 01:37:36,526 to make of life a continuing charade 1417 01:37:36,646 --> 01:37:40,606 of bright fancies, happy invention. 1418 01:37:41,047 --> 01:37:43,846 To face out its emptiness 1419 01:37:44,848 --> 01:37:49,127 and its terrors by playing. 1420 01:37:49,689 --> 01:37:52,648 By just playing. 1421 01:37:53,970 --> 01:37:55,244 Haven't you forgotten 1422 01:37:55,371 --> 01:37:58,363 the jumped-up pantry boy who doesn't know his place? 1423 01:37:59,651 --> 01:38:02,609 We are from different worlds, you and me, Andrew. 1424 01:38:02,772 --> 01:38:03,887 ln mine, 1425 01:38:04,013 --> 01:38:07,925 there was no time for bright fancies and happy inventions. 1426 01:38:08,413 --> 01:38:10,131 No stopping for tea. 1427 01:38:11,334 --> 01:38:14,610 The only game we played was to survive. 1428 01:38:15,254 --> 01:38:16,813 Or go to the wall. 1429 01:38:17,415 --> 01:38:19,804 lf you didn't win, you just didn't finish. 1430 01:38:19,935 --> 01:38:21,574 Loser, lose all. 1431 01:38:25,177 --> 01:38:26,974 You probably don't understand that. 1432 01:38:27,097 --> 01:38:30,169 Understand or not, nothing you've said disproves my point. 1433 01:38:30,298 --> 01:38:32,016 Look at the way you chose to get back at me 1434 01:38:32,137 --> 01:38:34,368 by playing lnspector Doppler. 1435 01:38:35,018 --> 01:38:36,498 Simple revenge. 1436 01:38:37,019 --> 01:38:38,771 Paying back in kind. 1437 01:38:40,700 --> 01:38:42,019 Every wop knows about that. 1438 01:38:42,140 --> 01:38:45,895 Well, is honour satisfied? Score even? One set all? 1439 01:38:46,020 --> 01:38:47,056 Honour? 1440 01:38:50,101 --> 01:38:52,741 That's another one of your words. 1441 01:38:53,262 --> 01:38:55,493 l know 1442 01:38:55,622 --> 01:38:59,775 that you stripped me more than naked. 1443 01:38:59,903 --> 01:39:05,662 l know that you actually terrified me to death. 1444 01:39:07,265 --> 01:39:10,257 l stood on those stairs, looking down, 1445 01:39:10,386 --> 01:39:14,016 and realising that my coat sleeve button, 1446 01:39:14,146 --> 01:39:15,626 the banister, 1447 01:39:16,106 --> 01:39:18,985 the nail on my fourth finger 1448 01:39:19,308 --> 01:39:24,336 were absolutely the last things l was gonna see. Ever. 1449 01:39:25,909 --> 01:39:30,107 Then, l heard the sound 1450 01:39:30,229 --> 01:39:31,868 of my own death. 1451 01:39:32,230 --> 01:39:34,425 Now, that changes you, Andrew. 1452 01:39:34,551 --> 01:39:35,950 Believe me. 1453 01:39:36,071 --> 01:39:38,141 And l still owe you for that. 1454 01:39:38,271 --> 01:39:39,943 lt'll pass, it's shock, my dear fellow. 1455 01:39:40,072 --> 01:39:42,506 -Here, let me give you another... -l don't want 1456 01:39:42,633 --> 01:39:44,032 an even score. 1457 01:39:44,153 --> 01:39:46,189 And don't you give me any of that ''one set all'', 1458 01:39:46,313 --> 01:39:48,873 or ''The game's the thing, it's enough to take part'' crap. 1459 01:39:51,114 --> 01:39:53,150 My father just took part, 1460 01:39:53,474 --> 01:39:54,953 and his father, 1461 01:39:55,234 --> 01:39:56,668 and his father. 1462 01:39:56,795 --> 01:40:00,425 Losers! As far back as you can go. 1463 01:40:01,636 --> 01:40:03,514 Well, it stops with me! 1464 01:40:03,957 --> 01:40:06,425 With me, the Tindles start winning! 1465 01:40:08,077 --> 01:40:10,278 And others start losing. 1466 01:40:10,278 --> 01:40:10,516 And others start losing. 1467 01:40:14,639 --> 01:40:16,709 You, for example. 1468 01:40:17,800 --> 01:40:18,788 Me? 1469 01:40:19,800 --> 01:40:21,631 -Lose what? -A new game. 1470 01:40:22,160 --> 01:40:25,517 My kind. My rules, played my way. 1471 01:40:26,201 --> 01:40:27,635 And to start it, 1472 01:40:27,921 --> 01:40:29,833 l have killed someone. 1473 01:40:30,562 --> 01:40:32,041 You've killed someone. 1474 01:40:32,402 --> 01:40:34,553 Murdered someone. Committed murder. 1475 01:40:34,683 --> 01:40:36,355 You're not serious? 1476 01:40:37,323 --> 01:40:38,473 Deadly. 1477 01:40:39,084 --> 01:40:40,756 lt's a real game 1478 01:40:40,964 --> 01:40:42,602 and a real murder. 1479 01:40:43,205 --> 01:40:47,836 There's absolutely no point in playing another pretend game, isn't that right? 1480 01:40:47,965 --> 01:40:51,322 -Absolutely not. -We're past pretending now. 1481 01:40:52,127 --> 01:40:54,322 We'll leave that to the amateurs. 1482 01:40:54,446 --> 01:40:56,200 The gentlemen players, like you. 1483 01:40:56,487 --> 01:40:58,797 Look, Milo. l think perhaps another time. 1484 01:40:58,928 --> 01:41:02,638 -lt can't wait! -All right, all right. 1485 01:41:02,768 --> 01:41:04,566 We'll play your game. 1486 01:41:04,849 --> 01:41:06,646 Now whom did you kill? 1487 01:41:07,569 --> 01:41:09,686 Whom? Whom? 1488 01:41:10,730 --> 01:41:16,727 Who, besides yourself, is the closest to being someone you care about? 1489 01:41:16,931 --> 01:41:19,730 Would it be your girlfriend, Tea? 1490 01:41:21,132 --> 01:41:22,451 Possibly. 1491 01:41:23,373 --> 01:41:24,408 Why? 1492 01:41:24,773 --> 01:41:26,172 She's the one. 1493 01:41:28,613 --> 01:41:30,206 You killed Tea? 1494 01:41:30,494 --> 01:41:36,013 She, whose cobalt eyes were the secret forest pools of Finlandia. 1495 01:41:36,936 --> 01:41:38,688 l closed them. 1496 01:41:40,696 --> 01:41:43,052 -You? -Yes, l strangled her. 1497 01:41:44,057 --> 01:41:48,016 Right over there, on that rug, l strangled her. 1498 01:41:48,297 --> 01:41:53,167 And, yes, l screwed her first. 1499 01:41:55,819 --> 01:41:58,253 You raped and strangled... 1500 01:41:58,380 --> 01:41:59,938 No, not rape. 1501 01:42:00,580 --> 01:42:02,377 She wanted it. 1502 01:42:02,501 --> 01:42:03,934 You're lying. 1503 01:42:05,861 --> 01:42:08,330 You can't take me with a crude game like this. 1504 01:42:08,461 --> 01:42:11,181 Honestly, Milo, l gave you credit for better sport. 1505 01:42:11,302 --> 01:42:15,740 When l was here yesterday, planting the blood and clothes for old Doppler, 1506 01:42:15,863 --> 01:42:18,697 Tea showed up looking for you, 1507 01:42:18,824 --> 01:42:20,621 so l pitched her a little woo, 1508 01:42:20,745 --> 01:42:24,135 as you would've said in your day, and we danced cheek-to-cheek 1509 01:42:24,265 --> 01:42:27,224 to those cornball big band oldies of yours. 1510 01:42:27,346 --> 01:42:29,496 l mean, who but you would have them? 1511 01:42:29,706 --> 01:42:31,698 Anyway, it worked. 1512 01:42:32,226 --> 01:42:35,219 She got itchy, and l had to scratch, didn't l? 1513 01:42:35,547 --> 01:42:37,857 And afterwards, she got sleepy. 1514 01:42:37,988 --> 01:42:41,743 And that's when l did it, old boy. l wrung her neck. 1515 01:42:43,349 --> 01:42:45,499 She was under that freshly dug mound of earth 1516 01:42:45,629 --> 01:42:49,145 -that old Doppler took such a fancy to. -Was? You mean, she's not now? 1517 01:42:49,270 --> 01:42:50,670 No, l moved her. 1518 01:42:50,790 --> 01:42:53,259 Where to? The flooded gravel pit? 1519 01:42:53,390 --> 01:42:57,509 -Fu Manchu's abandoned glue factory? -lt doesn't matter where to. 1520 01:42:57,631 --> 01:43:00,431 The police will find her in due course, if they haven't found her already. 1521 01:43:00,553 --> 01:43:01,587 The police? 1522 01:43:01,713 --> 01:43:04,102 Yes, l phoned them about an hour ago 1523 01:43:04,233 --> 01:43:07,192 and asked them to meet me here at 10:00. 1524 01:43:07,314 --> 01:43:10,226 They should arrive in about 15 minutes. 1525 01:43:10,995 --> 01:43:13,065 l'm sure they will, too. 1526 01:43:13,195 --> 01:43:17,872 Led, no doubt, by intrepid, downy lnspector Doppler. 1527 01:43:17,996 --> 01:43:20,464 Nope. lt'll be a real cop, all right. 1528 01:43:20,676 --> 01:43:24,909 Detective Sergeant Tarrant, is his name. Check it, if you like. 1529 01:43:26,158 --> 01:43:28,592 l told him a lot about you, Andrew. 1530 01:43:28,718 --> 01:43:32,029 l said l knew you to be a man obsessed with games playing 1531 01:43:32,159 --> 01:43:34,673 and murder considered as a fine art. 1532 01:43:34,799 --> 01:43:38,190 Your life's great ambition, l said, of which you had often spoken, 1533 01:43:38,320 --> 01:43:41,074 was to commit an actual, real-life murder, 1534 01:43:41,200 --> 01:43:44,113 hide the body, then leave clues linking you with the crime 1535 01:43:44,242 --> 01:43:45,720 scattered about the house. 1536 01:43:45,841 --> 01:43:48,481 Convinced that the poor, simple-minded police 1537 01:43:48,602 --> 01:43:51,561 would never recognise them for what they were. 1538 01:43:51,683 --> 01:43:54,801 ''Please, sir, Andrew Wyke can't rest until he's committed a real murder, 1539 01:43:54,923 --> 01:43:57,484 ''which is gonna make fools out of all you coppers.'' 1540 01:43:57,604 --> 01:43:58,832 Honestly. 1541 01:43:59,205 --> 01:44:00,797 Tell that to the average desk sergeant, 1542 01:44:00,925 --> 01:44:04,759 and you'll find yourself strapped straight into the giggle jacket. 1543 01:44:04,885 --> 01:44:06,524 Not so, in fact. 1544 01:44:06,806 --> 01:44:11,197 l told them that if they didn't believe me, one look at your books 1545 01:44:11,327 --> 01:44:14,445 and the furnishings of your house would confirm what l said 1546 01:44:14,567 --> 01:44:17,001 about your obsessions. 1547 01:44:23,489 --> 01:44:26,527 l also told them that two days ago 1548 01:44:26,649 --> 01:44:29,449 your girlfriend came to my house in great distress, 1549 01:44:29,571 --> 01:44:32,722 saying that you suspected her of having affairs with other men, 1550 01:44:32,851 --> 01:44:34,409 and threatened to kill her. 1551 01:44:34,532 --> 01:44:37,092 l bet they believed every word of that. 1552 01:44:37,212 --> 01:44:39,601 ln the end, yes, they did. 1553 01:44:42,533 --> 01:44:44,683 My dear boy. 1554 01:44:45,414 --> 01:44:47,405 l do appreciate that in spite of your denials 1555 01:44:47,534 --> 01:44:50,003 you've been captivated by the spirit of games playing, 1556 01:44:50,134 --> 01:44:52,410 and the need, as you see it, to win at any cost, 1557 01:44:52,535 --> 01:44:56,370 but frankly, you are trying too hard 1558 01:44:56,496 --> 01:44:59,215 to be a big boy, too soon. 1559 01:45:08,299 --> 01:45:09,287 Hello. 1560 01:45:09,419 --> 01:45:12,217 Hello, Joyce? lt's Andrew. 1561 01:45:12,339 --> 01:45:14,456 Can... Can l speak to Tea? 1562 01:45:17,700 --> 01:45:20,055 She... What? 1563 01:45:22,141 --> 01:45:23,972 Been strangled? 1564 01:45:26,502 --> 01:45:27,981 Where was this? 1565 01:45:28,702 --> 01:45:30,819 When was it? 1566 01:45:31,063 --> 01:45:32,701 Where was she found? 1567 01:45:32,983 --> 01:45:34,053 What? 1568 01:45:35,904 --> 01:45:37,132 Joyce. 1569 01:45:37,264 --> 01:45:38,823 l can't understand what you... 1570 01:45:38,945 --> 01:45:41,379 Look, do try to control your... 1571 01:45:42,625 --> 01:45:43,695 What? 1572 01:45:45,065 --> 01:45:46,294 The police... 1573 01:45:47,146 --> 01:45:48,216 Asking... 1574 01:45:50,387 --> 01:45:51,536 Oh, my. 1575 01:45:58,508 --> 01:46:01,023 You should've believed me. 1576 01:46:01,149 --> 01:46:03,538 Now, we're gonna play the game. 1577 01:46:03,670 --> 01:46:07,902 ln a little over 13 minutes the law will arrive. 1578 01:46:08,191 --> 01:46:10,546 lt's going to be your giant brain 1579 01:46:10,951 --> 01:46:13,146 against their plodding ones. 1580 01:46:13,272 --> 01:46:15,786 Concealed about this room 1581 01:46:15,912 --> 01:46:20,225 are four clues incriminating you as Tea's murderer. 1582 01:46:20,953 --> 01:46:25,310 lncluding, as a final expression of your contempt for the police, 1583 01:46:25,434 --> 01:46:27,391 the murder weapon itself. 1584 01:46:28,275 --> 01:46:29,946 Now, are you ready? 1585 01:46:32,516 --> 01:46:35,952 You can't make a game out of real murder. 1586 01:46:36,156 --> 01:46:37,635 We'll see. 1587 01:46:37,757 --> 01:46:39,474 Now, remember, 1588 01:46:39,597 --> 01:46:40,871 four objects. 1589 01:46:40,997 --> 01:46:44,114 Those that you don't find, be sure the police will. 1590 01:46:44,238 --> 01:46:46,799 And they're all in plain view. 1591 01:46:46,919 --> 01:46:49,433 And the first object is 1592 01:46:49,559 --> 01:46:51,391 a crystal bracelet. 1593 01:46:52,759 --> 01:46:54,432 -The... What? -Yes. 1594 01:46:55,080 --> 01:46:59,040 -l tore it off her wrist. lt's inscribed... -All right. All right! 1595 01:46:59,161 --> 01:47:01,153 l know how it's inscribed. 1596 01:47:38,609 --> 01:47:41,362 -Would you like some help? -Yes. Damn you! 1597 01:47:41,569 --> 01:47:42,763 So soon? 1598 01:47:43,329 --> 01:47:45,446 Now, where's my list? 1599 01:47:45,571 --> 01:47:47,323 -Oh, God. -Here it is. 1600 01:47:48,570 --> 01:47:50,687 ''For any man with half an eye 1601 01:47:50,812 --> 01:47:53,565 ''what stands before him he may spy 1602 01:47:53,692 --> 01:47:58,847 ''but optics sharp it needs and keen to see what is not to be seen.'' 1603 01:47:58,973 --> 01:48:01,329 You said everything was in plain view! 1604 01:48:01,453 --> 01:48:03,603 Well, aren't l the shifty old sly boots, then? 1605 01:48:03,734 --> 01:48:06,487 You're not giving me anything of a chance, you bastard! 1606 01:48:06,615 --> 01:48:09,004 Now, think, think, think. 1607 01:48:09,135 --> 01:48:12,606 lt's in plain view, yet not to be seen. An optical trick's involved. 1608 01:48:12,735 --> 01:48:16,446 An optical... A key to see what is not to be seen 1609 01:48:17,737 --> 01:48:20,855 by the naked eye. lt's microscopic. 1610 01:48:20,977 --> 01:48:24,493 Only a fragment of it is showing. That's it. 1611 01:48:24,618 --> 01:48:27,577 The traditional tool of your trade, lnspector? 1612 01:48:32,540 --> 01:48:34,371 Why don't you ask yourself 1613 01:48:34,500 --> 01:48:38,210 how your man Merrydick, would go about the search? 1614 01:48:38,341 --> 01:48:40,731 Merridew! St John Lord Merridew! 1615 01:48:40,861 --> 01:48:42,773 Calm. Keep calm. 1616 01:48:42,902 --> 01:48:44,699 Think. What are the properties of crystal? 1617 01:48:44,822 --> 01:48:45,972 Hard, 1618 01:48:46,102 --> 01:48:47,252 brilliant, 1619 01:48:47,383 --> 01:48:48,816 transparent. 1620 01:48:50,223 --> 01:48:54,217 You look through it, but you don't see it. That's the trick. 1621 01:48:54,864 --> 01:48:57,902 Now, the only place to conceal a transparent thing, 1622 01:48:58,025 --> 01:49:01,143 so as to make it invisible, and yet leave it in plain view 1623 01:49:01,266 --> 01:49:04,144 is on or in another transparent thing like... 1624 01:49:04,267 --> 01:49:05,415 Like! 1625 01:49:13,908 --> 01:49:15,501 Clear as crystal. 1626 01:49:16,829 --> 01:49:19,627 But l don't need to destroy this, do l? 1627 01:49:19,749 --> 01:49:22,184 -She could've left it here anytime. -True. 1628 01:49:22,310 --> 01:49:23,630 Go on. What next? 1629 01:49:23,750 --> 01:49:27,026 The next object is much more incriminating. 1630 01:49:27,151 --> 01:49:28,789 Here's a little riddle, which l'm sure 1631 01:49:28,911 --> 01:49:31,506 one of your nannies must have taught you. 1632 01:49:31,672 --> 01:49:34,471 <i>Two brothers we are</i> <i>Great burdens we bear</i> 1633 01:49:34,592 --> 01:49:37,061 <i>On which we are bitterly pressed</i> 1634 01:49:37,193 --> 01:49:39,468 <i>The truth is to say</i> <i>We are full all the day</i> 1635 01:49:39,594 --> 01:49:41,709 <i>And empty when we go to rest</i> 1636 01:49:41,834 --> 01:49:44,871 l know that. l know that. Hold on. Just a minute. 1637 01:49:44,994 --> 01:49:48,385 Full all the day, empty when we go... l know! lt's a pair of shoes! 1638 01:49:48,515 --> 01:49:52,145 ln this case, one lady's left black shoe, size 6. 1639 01:49:53,956 --> 01:49:57,346 The other, l need hardly add, is on Tea's foot. 1640 01:49:57,477 --> 01:49:59,035 God! Poor Tea. 1641 01:50:03,278 --> 01:50:04,870 Poor Tea, eh? 1642 01:50:04,999 --> 01:50:06,512 That's better. 1643 01:50:06,679 --> 01:50:08,874 Do you know that's the first sign of sorrow you've shown 1644 01:50:09,000 --> 01:50:11,833 since you heard of her death? 1645 01:50:11,960 --> 01:50:13,393 You wouldn't put it here, anyway. 1646 01:50:13,521 --> 01:50:16,319 Or even upstairs among Marguerite's shoes. 1647 01:50:16,441 --> 01:50:19,990 -Too obvious. -Such grief is touching. 1648 01:50:20,122 --> 01:50:23,432 You really are the salt of the earth, you know that, Andrew? 1649 01:50:23,562 --> 01:50:26,122 By the way, that's a clue, if you're interested. 1650 01:50:27,003 --> 01:50:28,561 Salt of the earth? Earth? 1651 01:50:28,683 --> 01:50:30,480 lt's buried... No, you buried the other. 1652 01:50:30,604 --> 01:50:33,880 Salt, salt... Salt and pepper. Saltpeter... 1653 01:50:34,005 --> 01:50:36,235 Salt water... Salt... Cellar! 1654 01:50:36,365 --> 01:50:38,038 lt's in the cellar! 1655 01:51:11,332 --> 01:51:14,166 You're really turned on, aren't you, Andrew? 1656 01:51:15,653 --> 01:51:19,532 Even though the game you're playing is for your own life. 1657 01:51:20,134 --> 01:51:22,489 You're practically having it off. 1658 01:51:23,135 --> 01:51:24,534 Shoe, shoe! 1659 01:51:24,655 --> 01:51:26,293 l ask myself, 1660 01:51:26,415 --> 01:51:29,487 ''lf l was a black shoe, where would l hide? 1661 01:51:29,616 --> 01:51:32,414 ''lf l was as black as your hat. 1662 01:51:32,536 --> 01:51:35,654 ''lf l was as black as the ace of spades. 1663 01:51:35,777 --> 01:51:38,372 -''lf l was as black as...'' -Coal! 1664 01:51:40,578 --> 01:51:42,331 Dirty bastard! 1665 01:51:52,780 --> 01:51:54,931 You dirty son of a bitch! 1666 01:51:58,742 --> 01:52:00,255 You're getting warmer, 1667 01:52:00,382 --> 01:52:02,260 and blacker. 1668 01:52:02,382 --> 01:52:04,772 Must be quite a new experience for you. 1669 01:52:04,903 --> 01:52:06,655 l don't suppose blacks play much of a part 1670 01:52:06,783 --> 01:52:08,137 in the books you write, do they? 1671 01:52:08,263 --> 01:52:11,779 Except for the odd, eyeball rolling darkie 1672 01:52:11,905 --> 01:52:15,021 to take his place alongside the swarthy yid, 1673 01:52:15,145 --> 01:52:18,741 the oily Levantine and others of their kind. 1674 01:52:33,708 --> 01:52:35,347 Oh, l'm sorry it's so messy. 1675 01:52:35,469 --> 01:52:37,266 lt's only earth. 1676 01:52:37,389 --> 01:52:40,029 From Tea's first grave in your garden. 1677 01:52:45,751 --> 01:52:47,787 Not so bad. We're up of the clock, l think. 1678 01:52:47,912 --> 01:52:50,745 -Barely. -Well, what's next? 1679 01:52:52,873 --> 01:52:55,307 What do you find so damned amusing? 1680 01:52:56,153 --> 01:52:58,543 What the hell are you laughing at? 1681 01:53:00,674 --> 01:53:03,269 -Are you sure you're all right? -Yes, l'm all right. 1682 01:53:03,395 --> 01:53:05,034 -Jack. -Jack? 1683 01:53:05,155 --> 01:53:06,555 Simple minded twit! 1684 01:53:06,675 --> 01:53:08,029 You've been handing me the clue all along. 1685 01:53:08,156 --> 01:53:11,069 lt's Jolly Jack Tar. lt's on the sailor. 1686 01:53:11,196 --> 01:53:12,266 True! 1687 01:53:12,397 --> 01:53:14,149 That's where it is. 1688 01:53:15,557 --> 01:53:20,268 But this time, l am not going to tell you what it is. 1689 01:53:20,558 --> 01:53:21,877 All right. 1690 01:54:07,048 --> 01:54:09,403 He looked disappointed in you. 1691 01:54:09,528 --> 01:54:11,963 But then, it's no laughing matter. 1692 01:54:12,529 --> 01:54:13,757 Or is it? 1693 01:54:18,410 --> 01:54:19,889 Do that again. 1694 01:54:22,691 --> 01:54:25,285 My God, he's never winked at me before. 1695 01:54:40,574 --> 01:54:44,170 l suppose the other lash is on one of poor Tea's eyes. 1696 01:54:44,695 --> 01:54:46,129 She won't miss it. 1697 01:54:46,255 --> 01:54:47,974 They're both closed. 1698 01:54:49,896 --> 01:54:51,694 How much more time? 1699 01:54:51,817 --> 01:54:55,288 You've got about five minutes. Hardly enough, l'd say. 1700 01:54:55,417 --> 01:54:57,886 There's one more thing left, l think, the murder weapon. 1701 01:54:58,018 --> 01:54:59,610 You strangled her over there, with what? 1702 01:54:59,739 --> 01:55:04,416 -A rope, belt, scarf... -lt bit into her neck very deeply, Andrew. 1703 01:55:05,980 --> 01:55:07,572 l had to pry it loose. 1704 01:55:07,700 --> 01:55:11,774 You'll pay for that, l promise, you sadistic bloody wop! 1705 01:55:11,901 --> 01:55:14,370 l hope l didn't hear that correctly. 1706 01:55:18,143 --> 01:55:20,498 You're certain to need more help. 1707 01:55:21,223 --> 01:55:24,580 l'd hate to have to start giving you difficult ltalian clues, 1708 01:55:24,703 --> 01:55:28,777 -full of treachery and double meaning. -All right. All right. 1709 01:55:30,505 --> 01:55:33,463 As several wops have remarked from time to time... 1710 01:55:36,226 --> 01:55:37,978 Was that a clue? 1711 01:55:38,666 --> 01:55:40,622 Say the damn thing again. 1712 01:55:42,947 --> 01:55:44,825 No. Once more, please. 1713 01:55:54,310 --> 01:55:56,107 What's the time. No... 1714 01:55:57,230 --> 01:55:58,299 No. 1715 01:56:00,150 --> 01:56:01,470 Gold, gold! 1716 01:56:02,911 --> 01:56:04,139 All gold! 1717 01:56:09,393 --> 01:56:10,985 Gold scintillates? 1718 01:56:11,113 --> 01:56:13,149 Glitters. 1719 01:56:13,273 --> 01:56:15,549 All that glisters is not gold. 1720 01:56:15,673 --> 01:56:17,551 There will always be an England. 1721 01:56:17,674 --> 01:56:20,508 You strangled her with something golden and scintillating. 1722 01:56:24,276 --> 01:56:28,235 What's that? A musical clue. Right. Now, golden notes, 1723 01:56:28,357 --> 01:56:31,713 golden scales, golden... lt's a chord! 1724 01:56:31,837 --> 01:56:34,955 You strangled her with a golden cord, and like everybody does, 1725 01:56:35,078 --> 01:56:37,876 you hid it behind the bell pull! 1726 01:56:37,998 --> 01:56:39,954 No, damn it, you didn't. 1727 01:56:43,880 --> 01:56:46,189 Anything goes in olden days! 1728 01:56:46,320 --> 01:56:48,709 <i>ln olden days a glimpse of stocking</i> 1729 01:56:48,841 --> 01:56:50,433 <i>Was looked on as something shock...</i> 1730 01:56:50,560 --> 01:56:54,350 Stocking! Where do you put stockings? 1731 01:56:54,482 --> 01:56:57,758 On legs. Legs! The golden legs. 1732 01:56:59,123 --> 01:57:01,762 Not a golden leg in the blasted house. 1733 01:57:03,203 --> 01:57:04,876 ls it in this room? 1734 01:57:10,005 --> 01:57:11,199 Bastard! 1735 01:57:14,646 --> 01:57:17,525 <i>ln olden days a glimpse of stocking</i> 1736 01:57:17,647 --> 01:57:19,956 <i>Was looked at as something shocking</i> 1737 01:57:20,087 --> 01:57:23,876 <i>Now heaven knows, anything goes</i> 1738 01:57:25,128 --> 01:57:28,404 <i>The world has gone mad today</i> <i>And good...</i> 1739 01:57:39,491 --> 01:57:41,641 l think l can hear something. 1740 01:57:49,973 --> 01:57:51,088 Andrew! 1741 01:57:51,213 --> 01:57:52,249 Andrew! 1742 01:57:52,373 --> 01:57:53,443 What? 1743 01:57:53,574 --> 01:57:55,963 They're here. The police are here. 1744 01:57:59,255 --> 01:58:01,325 lt looks like you've had it. 1745 01:58:01,456 --> 01:58:03,685 -They're coming up the drive. -Keep them out! 1746 01:58:03,816 --> 01:58:05,169 Keep the police out? 1747 01:58:05,296 --> 01:58:06,854 lt's just not done, old boy. 1748 01:58:06,977 --> 01:58:08,774 But still, l'll try. 1749 01:58:10,257 --> 01:58:13,011 Just one more minute. 1750 01:58:13,138 --> 01:58:16,529 Stall them somehow. Please! 1751 01:58:16,658 --> 01:58:17,933 Remember, 1752 01:58:18,058 --> 01:58:19,890 in olden days 1753 01:58:20,019 --> 01:58:22,853 a glimpse of stocking. 1754 01:58:25,940 --> 01:58:26,930 Mr Tindle? 1755 01:58:27,061 --> 01:58:29,529 -Olden days... -l wasn't expecting to find you here, sir. 1756 01:58:29,661 --> 01:58:32,129 -Glimpse... -Good evening, Sergeant Tarrant. 1757 01:58:32,262 --> 01:58:34,014 Olden days... 1758 01:58:34,142 --> 01:58:35,973 Before tights, what? 1759 01:58:36,103 --> 01:58:38,822 Nylon. Before nylon, what? 1760 01:58:38,942 --> 01:58:40,171 Silk. 1761 01:58:40,583 --> 01:58:44,497 Well, what else. What... 1762 01:58:51,705 --> 01:58:52,821 Clock. 1763 01:58:58,026 --> 01:59:01,781 Stockings had clocks. 1764 01:59:01,908 --> 01:59:03,466 ln olden days... 1765 01:59:13,310 --> 01:59:14,584 Glimpse... 1766 01:59:18,071 --> 01:59:20,267 Now you see it, 1767 01:59:20,391 --> 01:59:21,825 now you don't. 1768 02:00:20,163 --> 02:00:23,156 lt wouldn't take long to dig up, Sergeant. 1769 02:00:23,284 --> 02:00:25,401 Why don't l have a go at it? 1770 02:00:25,764 --> 02:00:28,154 Well, surely... 1771 02:00:38,847 --> 02:00:41,203 Just let me tell him you're here. 1772 02:00:46,289 --> 02:00:47,438 Andrew. 1773 02:00:47,569 --> 02:00:48,843 ls it all right if l introduce 1774 02:00:48,969 --> 02:00:51,962 Detective Sergeant Tarrant and Constable Higgs? 1775 02:00:53,690 --> 02:00:56,921 Yes, of course. Come in, gentlemen. 1776 02:00:57,051 --> 02:00:59,612 Come in, do have... 1777 02:01:05,253 --> 02:01:09,690 Or should l say, lnspector Plodder 1778 02:01:09,814 --> 02:01:12,533 and Constable Freshface. 1779 02:01:16,054 --> 02:01:19,492 Thank you, Sergeant. We won't be needing you after all. 1780 02:01:20,656 --> 02:01:21,805 That's all right, sir. 1781 02:01:21,936 --> 02:01:25,646 Better to be safe than sorry, that's what l always say, sir. 1782 02:01:26,057 --> 02:01:29,016 -Good night, Sergeant. -Good night, sir. 1783 02:01:30,378 --> 02:01:32,175 Good night, Constable. 1784 02:01:33,539 --> 02:01:35,131 Good night, sir. 1785 02:01:55,222 --> 02:01:58,340 First, l suppose you'll want to know about Tea. 1786 02:01:59,063 --> 02:02:00,133 She did call yesterday 1787 02:02:00,264 --> 02:02:03,177 while l was setting up the Doppler scene, 1788 02:02:03,304 --> 02:02:06,217 and l told her about the trick that you played on me with the gun, 1789 02:02:06,345 --> 02:02:07,858 and she wasn't a bit surprised. 1790 02:02:07,985 --> 02:02:10,944 She knows only too well the kind of games you like to play, 1791 02:02:11,066 --> 02:02:14,820 the kind of humiliation you enjoy inflicting on other people. 1792 02:02:16,027 --> 02:02:20,783 l explained to her that l wanted to play a game and get even with you, 1793 02:02:20,907 --> 02:02:25,505 and l asked her to lend me a stocking, a shoe, a false eyelash 1794 02:02:25,629 --> 02:02:28,666 and that bracelet that you'd bought her. 1795 02:02:30,550 --> 02:02:33,622 And she was happy to help, 1796 02:02:33,751 --> 02:02:36,026 and so was her flatmate, Joyce. 1797 02:02:40,312 --> 02:02:42,507 Would you like to phone Tea? 1798 02:02:44,153 --> 02:02:46,030 She'll talk to you now. 1799 02:02:49,394 --> 02:02:53,308 But then, you wouldn't have very much to say to her, would you? 1800 02:02:55,315 --> 02:02:57,954 She's not really your mistress, is she? 1801 02:03:00,236 --> 02:03:05,311 She told me that you and her haven't made it together for over a year. 1802 02:03:07,677 --> 02:03:12,468 She also told me that you are practically impotent. 1803 02:03:13,638 --> 02:03:17,951 Not at all, in fact, the selector's choice for the next Olympics. 1804 02:03:19,400 --> 02:03:21,152 l warned you, Andrew. 1805 02:03:23,281 --> 02:03:25,636 l don't play games for the sport! 1806 02:03:27,442 --> 02:03:30,718 Particularly not games of humiliation. 1807 02:03:33,962 --> 02:03:36,113 l know too much about that. 1808 02:03:44,205 --> 02:03:45,923 Where are you going? 1809 02:03:47,685 --> 02:03:50,325 l'm going to get Marguerite's fur coat. 1810 02:03:51,727 --> 02:03:54,001 -She's not coming back? -No. 1811 02:04:02,408 --> 02:04:03,808 l live 1812 02:04:05,009 --> 02:04:06,921 as l want to live. 1813 02:04:07,049 --> 02:04:10,930 You know, l've been thinking of that writer you told me about. 1814 02:04:11,050 --> 02:04:14,521 And it is my opinion that your detective stories 1815 02:04:14,651 --> 02:04:19,008 are the normal recreation of snobbish, out-dated, 1816 02:04:19,132 --> 02:04:21,771 life-hating, ignoble minds. 1817 02:04:23,012 --> 02:04:24,853 l'll get that fur coat now. 1818 02:04:24,853 --> 02:04:25,091 l'll get that fur coat now. 1819 02:04:41,017 --> 02:04:42,291 You see. 1820 02:04:43,897 --> 02:04:45,216 You see. 1821 02:04:48,618 --> 02:04:49,892 lnspector, 1822 02:04:51,698 --> 02:04:53,690 l was working in my study 1823 02:04:54,539 --> 02:04:56,689 when l heard a noise in here, 1824 02:04:58,580 --> 02:05:01,811 so l took my revolver, 1825 02:05:03,181 --> 02:05:05,059 and l came in here 1826 02:05:05,222 --> 02:05:06,735 to investigate. 1827 02:05:08,662 --> 02:05:10,573 Here was this young man 1828 02:05:11,622 --> 02:05:13,534 running down the stairs 1829 02:05:14,103 --> 02:05:17,255 with my wife's fur coat over his arm. 1830 02:05:18,944 --> 02:05:20,981 l shouted for him to stop, 1831 02:05:21,465 --> 02:05:23,899 but he wouldn't pay any attention, 1832 02:05:24,345 --> 02:05:26,540 but ran on towards the door 1833 02:05:27,626 --> 02:05:29,617 hoping to make his escape. 1834 02:05:30,546 --> 02:05:33,141 Naturally, l fired. 1835 02:05:35,227 --> 02:05:37,024 l aimed low. 1836 02:05:38,188 --> 02:05:40,339 Believe me, lnspector, l did. 1837 02:05:41,268 --> 02:05:43,658 The most appalling thing happened. 1838 02:05:45,149 --> 02:05:46,741 l shot him dead. 1839 02:05:51,991 --> 02:05:53,549 That's all right, sir. 1840 02:05:53,832 --> 02:05:56,106 Don't distress yourself unduly. 1841 02:05:56,232 --> 02:05:58,951 A thing like that could happen to anyone. 1842 02:06:13,795 --> 02:06:15,673 l can't let you go now. 1843 02:06:17,155 --> 02:06:18,748 What do you mean? 1844 02:06:19,436 --> 02:06:20,870 Going about 1845 02:06:21,237 --> 02:06:22,955 telling everyone. 1846 02:06:23,877 --> 02:06:25,708 lt's just not possible. 1847 02:06:25,838 --> 02:06:28,113 Who... Whom would l tell? 1848 02:06:29,679 --> 02:06:30,997 Who'd be interested? 1849 02:06:31,119 --> 02:06:34,430 One person would be too many, even Marguerite. 1850 02:06:34,559 --> 02:06:35,628 Especially Marguerite. 1851 02:06:35,760 --> 02:06:37,751 What are you going to do then, Andrew? 1852 02:06:37,880 --> 02:06:39,280 Shoot me down? 1853 02:06:39,400 --> 02:06:42,279 -Play that old burglar game again? -That's right. 1854 02:06:42,401 --> 02:06:44,757 -lt wouldn't work now. -No? 1855 02:06:46,082 --> 02:06:47,595 Why not l wonder. 1856 02:06:47,722 --> 02:06:51,921 Because of what really happened after l left here last Friday night. 1857 02:06:53,403 --> 02:06:56,077 What really happened? 1858 02:06:56,204 --> 02:06:58,196 l did lurch home 1859 02:06:58,324 --> 02:07:01,874 dazed, dirty and humiliated. 1860 02:07:03,285 --> 02:07:05,242 And l sat up all night. 1861 02:07:07,566 --> 02:07:08,999 And in the morning, 1862 02:07:09,127 --> 02:07:11,357 l went to the police station 1863 02:07:12,047 --> 02:07:14,641 and l told them what you'd done to me. 1864 02:07:15,527 --> 02:07:17,598 And one of them, Detective Sergeant Tarrant, 1865 02:07:17,728 --> 02:07:19,401 yes, he's real. 1866 02:07:20,449 --> 02:07:23,885 He took me into a little room, and we had a long chat, 1867 02:07:24,770 --> 02:07:27,648 but l don't think he paid very much attention 1868 02:07:27,771 --> 02:07:29,488 to anything l said. 1869 02:07:30,611 --> 02:07:32,602 So l thought to myself, 1870 02:07:33,572 --> 02:07:35,608 ''He's not gonna do anything about this.'' 1871 02:07:35,732 --> 02:07:38,565 No? Why not? 1872 02:07:40,013 --> 02:07:43,005 You know the answer to that just as well as l do. 1873 02:07:43,133 --> 02:07:46,126 ln his eyes, l'm just some common little git 1874 02:07:46,494 --> 02:07:48,132 who's been screwing the wife of a local noble 1875 02:07:48,255 --> 02:07:49,608 and got what he deserved. 1876 02:07:49,734 --> 02:07:53,410 So perhaps the police won't come by as l said they would, 1877 02:07:53,535 --> 02:07:55,332 but even if they don't, 1878 02:07:55,456 --> 02:07:59,335 they'd never believe that burglar story of yours. Not now. 1879 02:08:00,457 --> 02:08:02,448 So, you see, you've lost. 1880 02:08:05,018 --> 02:08:07,692 You can't fool me any more, Milo. 1881 02:08:08,979 --> 02:08:12,016 l haven't believed a single word you've been saying. 1882 02:08:12,140 --> 02:08:13,618 lt's the truth. 1883 02:08:15,620 --> 02:08:16,894 Liar. 1884 02:08:17,020 --> 02:08:20,013 Phone Sergeant Tarrant if you don't believe me. 1885 02:08:21,021 --> 02:08:25,459 You come here and announce your intention to steal away my wife. 1886 02:08:26,143 --> 02:08:29,340 You pry into my manhood, 1887 02:08:29,463 --> 02:08:34,059 you lecture me on ignoble minds 1888 02:08:35,504 --> 02:08:38,702 and you mock the creation of my life, 1889 02:08:39,665 --> 02:08:42,624 St John Lord Merridew. 1890 02:08:47,027 --> 02:08:51,101 Well, they're all real bullets this time. 1891 02:08:54,628 --> 02:08:56,584 The game's over, Andrew. 1892 02:08:58,629 --> 02:09:00,301 l'm going home now. 1893 02:09:15,552 --> 02:09:18,544 Milo, you do see 1894 02:09:19,433 --> 02:09:22,824 l'm not really a very good games player. 1895 02:09:22,953 --> 02:09:24,865 l mean to say, 1896 02:09:24,994 --> 02:09:29,113 never play the same game three times running. 1897 02:10:50,092 --> 02:10:51,240 Andrew? 1898 02:10:53,212 --> 02:10:54,645 Don't forget. 1899 02:10:55,893 --> 02:10:58,248 Be sure and tell them 1900 02:10:59,533 --> 02:11:00,966 it was just 1901 02:11:02,414 --> 02:11:04,609 a bloody game. 1901 02:11:05,305 --> 02:12:05,344 Support us and become VIP member to remove all ads from www.OpenSubtitles.org