That Mitchell and Webb Look

1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:01,000 Hello. 2 00:00:01,000 --> 00:00:04,040 What's this, then? Cheap old food? 3 00:00:04,040 --> 00:00:06,360 That's right. Cheap old food. 4 00:00:06,360 --> 00:00:09,920 Two quid all you can carry, or 60p for a bucketful. 5 00:00:09,920 --> 00:00:11,720 Oh, that is very reasonable. 6 00:00:11,720 --> 00:00:13,600 Yeah, it's cheap. It's very cheap. 7 00:00:13,600 --> 00:00:15,920 I mean, it is all fine, this food. It's all proper. 8 00:00:15,920 --> 00:00:17,920 Oh, yeah, yeah, it's real food. 9 00:00:17,920 --> 00:00:19,240 It's proper food. 10 00:00:19,240 --> 00:00:23,920 I mean, it is old, but that's partly why it's cheap. 11 00:00:23,920 --> 00:00:25,080 Why else is it cheap? 12 00:00:25,080 --> 00:00:27,320 Well, it's not refrigerated or anything. 13 00:00:27,320 --> 00:00:28,320 Oh, yeah. 14 00:00:28,320 --> 00:00:32,200 I mean, it's just in a pile in a car park, as you can see. 15 00:00:32,200 --> 00:00:34,040 Is that a chicken? 16 00:00:34,040 --> 00:00:36,120 Well, it's some kind of bird. 17 00:00:36,120 --> 00:00:37,920 To be honest, I've been puzzling over that. 18 00:00:37,920 --> 00:00:41,360 I'm not 100% whether that was part of the original consignment 19 00:00:41,360 --> 00:00:45,000 of cheap old food, or whether it's just a bird 20 00:00:45,000 --> 00:00:48,160 that's gone and died there over the course of the day. 21 00:00:48,160 --> 00:00:49,160 Right. 22 00:00:49,160 --> 00:00:50,880 I mean, in a way, it's splitting hairs, 23 00:00:50,880 --> 00:00:52,920 cos everything's food in nature. 24 00:00:52,920 --> 00:00:56,960 Maybe it was looking for some food on its last legs, 25 00:00:56,960 --> 00:00:59,800 finally found a pile of cheap old food, 26 00:00:59,800 --> 00:01:02,800 and then ironically died before eating any. 27 00:01:02,800 --> 00:01:05,040 So it might not be that fresh? 28 00:01:05,040 --> 00:01:08,120 Oh, no, no, it's fresh, cos I'm sure it wasn't there yesterday. 29 00:01:08,120 --> 00:01:09,880 It's barely cold. 30 00:01:09,880 --> 00:01:13,000 But then again, if it's died of natural causes, 31 00:01:13,000 --> 00:01:15,720 it's not always a good idea to eat it, apparently. 32 00:01:15,720 --> 00:01:16,720 Yes, I've heard that. 33 00:01:16,720 --> 00:01:18,240 So as you go round with your bucket, 34 00:01:18,240 --> 00:01:22,400 it might be as well to steer clear of it and anything near it. 35 00:01:22,400 --> 00:01:24,640 Or that has touched it at all. 36 00:01:24,640 --> 00:01:27,000 Or that smells of it at all. 37 00:01:27,000 --> 00:01:28,400 OK, but it is safe. 38 00:01:28,400 --> 00:01:30,000 I mean, we're not going to get food poisoning. 39 00:01:30,000 --> 00:01:32,000 Really? Oh, that's good. 40 00:01:32,000 --> 00:01:33,960 Of course not, darling, because you're not allowed 41 00:01:33,960 --> 00:01:36,560 to just sell a pile of unsafe food in a car park. 42 00:01:36,560 --> 00:01:39,400 Right. 43 00:01:39,400 --> 00:01:43,160 Well, it is a bargain, then, so what do we do? 44 00:01:43,160 --> 00:01:47,000 Well, just literally take a bucket and help yourself. 45 00:01:47,000 --> 00:01:50,400 As you can see, there's sprouts, bacon, special K, 46 00:01:50,400 --> 00:01:54,760 turmeric, assorted meat parts, chew-its, wagon wheels, 47 00:01:54,760 --> 00:01:58,240 mustard, peas, Fanta, a fish, 48 00:01:58,240 --> 00:02:02,520 and cheese straws, banana milk, ice cream, some biscuits and a lamb. 49 00:02:02,520 --> 00:02:04,440 Smashing? Well, let's get cracking. 50 00:02:04,440 --> 00:02:08,480 Er, quick question. 51 00:02:08,480 --> 00:02:10,760 You haven't got kids, have you? No. 52 00:02:10,760 --> 00:02:12,640 Good, cos I'd feel bad. 53 00:02:12,640 --> 00:02:17,920 And you'd better start talking soon, Harper, 54 00:02:17,920 --> 00:02:20,360 or I swear to you I will throw you to the walls! 55 00:02:20,360 --> 00:02:24,680 I'm really sorry. That was... That was horrible. 56 00:02:24,680 --> 00:02:26,760 Sorry, mate. I don't know what it is. 57 00:02:26,760 --> 00:02:28,840 I've just been really snappy lately. 58 00:02:28,840 --> 00:02:30,680 That's OK. 59 00:02:30,680 --> 00:02:31,680 Thanks, Harper. 60 00:02:31,680 --> 00:02:34,880 Inspector, it's the chief constable on the phone. 61 00:02:34,880 --> 00:02:37,160 Something about an email you sent him? 62 00:02:37,160 --> 00:02:39,000 Oh, I know what that will be. 63 00:02:39,000 --> 00:02:41,880 Save us draft, save us draft. 64 00:02:41,880 --> 00:02:44,480 I'll see you in a minute, mate. 65 00:02:44,480 --> 00:02:46,000 I mean, I'll see you in a minute. 66 00:02:47,440 --> 00:02:49,640 BELL RINGS 67 00:02:49,640 --> 00:02:51,920 And so my accountant made it plain 68 00:02:51,920 --> 00:02:54,000 that if we didn't want to pay a heap of tax, 69 00:02:54,000 --> 00:02:55,560 then we had to get out. 70 00:02:55,560 --> 00:02:58,960 And so we looked at Monaco and the Cayman Islands, 71 00:02:58,960 --> 00:03:02,360 but the most fiscally efficient solution was to come here - 72 00:03:02,360 --> 00:03:03,360 the past. 73 00:03:03,360 --> 00:03:08,400 Andrew and Margaret Merrill are one of the first couples 74 00:03:08,400 --> 00:03:11,040 to spot the tax benefits of relocating themselves 75 00:03:11,040 --> 00:03:13,480 to before the invention of income tax. 76 00:03:13,480 --> 00:03:18,000 Their income tax bills alone have fallen by as much as 100%. 77 00:03:18,000 --> 00:03:20,920 When you are incredibly rich in the 21st century, 78 00:03:20,920 --> 00:03:23,920 the inland revenue literally tries to tax you 79 00:03:23,920 --> 00:03:25,320 more than poor people. 80 00:03:25,320 --> 00:03:31,880 And so it gave me quite a buzz to pop myself in the Wi-Fi, 81 00:03:31,880 --> 00:03:34,040 in the time machine, press the buttons 82 00:03:34,040 --> 00:03:37,120 and escape the clutches of the taxman forever. 83 00:03:37,120 --> 00:03:40,000 Can I ask how you made so much money in the first place? 84 00:03:40,000 --> 00:03:41,920 I am the inventor of a time machine. 85 00:03:43,920 --> 00:03:45,600 BELL RINGS 86 00:03:45,600 --> 00:03:48,600 How do you feel about moving to Margaret? 87 00:03:48,600 --> 00:03:52,480 Of course, one misses certain things about one's own time. 88 00:03:52,480 --> 00:03:55,240 My friends, my hairdresser, 89 00:03:55,240 --> 00:03:59,040 my entire cultural frame of reference and my home, of course. 90 00:03:59,040 --> 00:04:00,720 One final question, then. 91 00:04:00,720 --> 00:04:02,480 Isn't one of the privileges of wealth 92 00:04:02,480 --> 00:04:04,080 that you can live where you want to 93 00:04:04,080 --> 00:04:06,480 rather than just where you can afford to? 94 00:04:06,480 --> 00:04:09,760 So, given you both prefer to be in present-day England, 95 00:04:09,760 --> 00:04:13,320 why didn't you simply pay the extra tax and stay there? 96 00:04:13,320 --> 00:04:18,480 I think that's an unbelievably good question, don't you? 97 00:04:18,480 --> 00:04:20,840 And maybe if I'd invented a time machine 98 00:04:20,840 --> 00:04:23,280 that went backwards and forwards in time, 99 00:04:23,280 --> 00:04:25,480 I'd be rich enough to take that attitude. 100 00:04:25,480 --> 00:04:27,640 SHE GASPS 101 00:04:27,640 --> 00:04:36,120 But until we get any other leads, sir, it's the best we can do. 102 00:04:36,120 --> 00:04:39,280 The best you can do? I need evidence, not leads. 103 00:04:39,280 --> 00:04:40,560 I know, sir, but I'm not... 104 00:04:40,560 --> 00:04:42,720 Listen, love, I don't know what your problem is, 105 00:04:42,720 --> 00:04:44,560 whether you've got PMT or something, 106 00:04:44,560 --> 00:04:46,000 but this happens to be a police... 107 00:04:46,000 --> 00:04:47,720 I cannot believe I said that. 108 00:04:47,720 --> 00:04:49,400 I'm so sorry, Karen. 109 00:04:49,400 --> 00:04:51,960 Well, sir, it was a bit offensive, actually. 110 00:04:51,960 --> 00:04:54,600 I know, I know. I'm so sorry. 111 00:04:54,600 --> 00:04:56,440 I've just been really snappy lately. 112 00:04:56,440 --> 00:04:59,120 Yeah, well, it's my reason to make sexist remarks. 113 00:04:59,120 --> 00:05:01,560 Shut it, bitch! Who the hell do you think you... 114 00:05:01,560 --> 00:05:04,360 I'm so sorry. There I go again. 115 00:05:04,360 --> 00:05:06,160 I mean, I never used to be like this. 116 00:05:06,160 --> 00:05:09,160 I mean, this isn't the me you know, is it, Karen? 117 00:05:09,160 --> 00:05:10,960 No, sir. 118 00:05:10,960 --> 00:05:12,440 Bless you, Karen. 119 00:05:12,440 --> 00:05:17,800 People are so kind. 120 00:05:17,800 --> 00:05:21,120 Where the hell's my lunch?! 121 00:05:21,120 --> 00:05:37,720 Hello, it's television again. 122 00:05:37,720 --> 00:05:41,160 Well, we've made some changes in response to viewer feedback. 123 00:05:41,160 --> 00:05:44,880 Apparently, the profile shooting style looked absolutely mental, 124 00:05:44,880 --> 00:05:46,320 so we've changed that. 125 00:05:46,320 --> 00:05:48,400 Also, we've decided to have bits, 126 00:05:48,400 --> 00:05:50,160 rather than just hours and hours of us 127 00:05:50,160 --> 00:05:52,400 talking about the ins and outs of the process. 128 00:05:52,400 --> 00:05:54,960 So, from now on, when there's going to be a different bit, 129 00:05:54,960 --> 00:05:58,960 someone will say, "And now time for another bit of the endlessness," 130 00:05:58,960 --> 00:06:01,120 and leave the applause so. 131 00:06:01,120 --> 00:06:02,600 (CLAPS) 132 00:06:02,600 --> 00:06:04,400 (LAUGHTER) 133 00:06:04,400 --> 00:06:06,960 "And now time for another bit of the endlessness." 134 00:06:07,600 --> 00:06:09,000 (CLAPS) 135 00:06:09,000 --> 00:06:10,480 (LAUGHTER) 136 00:06:10,480 --> 00:06:15,800 So, Mr Winkleman, tell us about this rather splendid vase 137 00:06:15,800 --> 00:06:17,080 that we're both looking at. 138 00:06:17,080 --> 00:06:19,280 The vibration. The vibration. 139 00:06:19,280 --> 00:06:20,800 I can't stand it. 140 00:06:20,800 --> 00:06:22,840 It's all right, Mr Winkleman, it's quite normal. 141 00:06:22,840 --> 00:06:25,080 It's just the thermonuclear radion machine 142 00:06:25,080 --> 00:06:26,840 that we use to generate the television. 143 00:06:26,840 --> 00:06:28,080 It's quite safe. 144 00:06:28,080 --> 00:06:30,360 (CRACKING) 145 00:06:30,360 --> 00:06:33,040 Although, a rather amusing side effect 146 00:06:33,040 --> 00:06:36,840 is that all of our real hair fell out in the first 48 hours! 147 00:06:36,840 --> 00:06:38,640 (LAUGHTER) 148 00:06:38,640 --> 00:06:41,440 So, you were saying, the vase. 149 00:06:41,440 --> 00:06:44,440 Um, yes. Well, it's a family heirloom, 150 00:06:44,440 --> 00:06:47,440 which I think dates from 1760s. 151 00:06:47,440 --> 00:06:48,840 Well, that's fascinating. 152 00:06:48,840 --> 00:06:50,640 And I'd just like to point out to viewers 153 00:06:50,640 --> 00:06:52,840 that it's only through the new magic of television 154 00:06:52,840 --> 00:06:55,440 that they can actually see us looking at this vase 155 00:06:55,440 --> 00:06:57,040 and describing it to them. 156 00:06:57,040 --> 00:06:59,040 Yes, it's really very exciting. 157 00:06:59,040 --> 00:07:00,840 We did receive a letter from a viewer. 158 00:07:00,840 --> 00:07:03,040 I don't know why he wrote. He only had to shout. 159 00:07:03,040 --> 00:07:05,240 After all, we can hear you, we think. 160 00:07:05,240 --> 00:07:08,640 We did receive a letter asking why we didn't actually 161 00:07:08,640 --> 00:07:11,240 point the camera at the vase 162 00:07:11,240 --> 00:07:15,040 in such a way as it would appear on the television picture. 163 00:07:15,040 --> 00:07:17,240 You'll have to forgive us for getting a little bit technical 164 00:07:17,240 --> 00:07:18,440 for a moment there. 165 00:07:18,440 --> 00:07:21,640 Well, it's a lovely idea, and who knows, maybe one day, 166 00:07:21,640 --> 00:07:23,240 but I'm afraid, for the moment, 167 00:07:23,240 --> 00:07:25,440 the camera is far too heavy 168 00:07:25,440 --> 00:07:27,840 to move round and point at the vase. 169 00:07:27,840 --> 00:07:29,840 Have you got hot balls too? 170 00:07:29,840 --> 00:07:31,840 (LAUGHTER) 171 00:07:31,840 --> 00:07:38,840 So, who else shall we invite? 172 00:07:38,840 --> 00:07:41,240 Oh, Nehru. We've got to have Nehru. 173 00:07:41,240 --> 00:07:45,040 Oh, yeah, Nehru. He's always really good value. 174 00:07:45,040 --> 00:07:46,640 Although... 175 00:07:46,640 --> 00:07:47,640 What? 176 00:07:47,640 --> 00:07:51,040 Well, you remember last time, Nehru brought his little mate. 177 00:07:51,040 --> 00:07:53,640 Oh, God, yeah. What's his name? 178 00:07:53,640 --> 00:07:54,840 Gandhi, is it? 179 00:07:54,840 --> 00:07:56,640 That's it, Gandhi. 180 00:07:56,640 --> 00:07:58,840 I think he thought it was a toga party. 181 00:07:58,840 --> 00:08:00,240 Well, that's putting it nicely. 182 00:08:00,240 --> 00:08:02,440 That wasn't a toga, that was homemade pants. 183 00:08:02,440 --> 00:08:04,040 He said so. I told him, 184 00:08:04,040 --> 00:08:07,440 "I'd keep quiet about that if I were you, cos they look rubbish." 185 00:08:07,440 --> 00:08:09,640 I bet that went down like a cup of cold sick. 186 00:08:09,640 --> 00:08:10,840 Oh, yeah. 187 00:08:10,840 --> 00:08:13,640 I was just scared they were going to fall off. 188 00:08:13,640 --> 00:08:16,040 Well, there's nothing holding them up, as far as I can see, 189 00:08:16,040 --> 00:08:17,640 apart from goodwill. 190 00:08:17,640 --> 00:08:19,640 I mean, every time he crossed his legs, 191 00:08:19,640 --> 00:08:21,240 everyone just held their breath. 192 00:08:21,240 --> 00:08:22,840 (LAUGHTER) 193 00:08:22,840 --> 00:08:24,840 He seems pretty easygoing, though. 194 00:08:24,840 --> 00:08:26,040 He isn't, actually. 195 00:08:26,040 --> 00:08:28,440 It's all passive-aggressive with him. 196 00:08:28,440 --> 00:08:30,640 Oh, it's funny you should say that, 197 00:08:30,640 --> 00:08:33,640 because remember at Keith's bash, Gandhi was there. 198 00:08:33,640 --> 00:08:36,640 He was sitting in a big, low armchair with his feet apart, 199 00:08:36,640 --> 00:08:39,240 so, you know, no-one knew where to look. 200 00:08:39,240 --> 00:08:41,440 Anyway, Susan put some music on. 201 00:08:41,440 --> 00:08:42,640 Mm. 202 00:08:42,640 --> 00:08:45,640 Well, it turns out Gandhi doesn't like Phil Collins, 203 00:08:45,640 --> 00:08:47,240 so... 204 00:08:47,240 --> 00:08:50,840 ..so he puts down the Pringles and starts fasting. 205 00:08:50,840 --> 00:08:52,640 He didn't start fasting. 206 00:08:52,640 --> 00:08:55,040 He did. He started fasting. 207 00:08:55,040 --> 00:08:56,440 He said he wasn't going to eat 208 00:08:56,440 --> 00:08:59,240 until Susan put Katrina and the Waves back on. 209 00:08:59,240 --> 00:09:01,440 So he gets his own way, as per. 210 00:09:01,440 --> 00:09:02,840 We stand around all evening, 211 00:09:02,840 --> 00:09:04,840 listening to Katrina and the Waves on a loop, 212 00:09:04,840 --> 00:09:07,840 with Gandhi sitting in the corner with his bloody spinning wheel, 213 00:09:07,840 --> 00:09:09,640 trying to sing along. 214 00:09:09,640 --> 00:09:10,840 Wow. 215 00:09:10,840 --> 00:09:12,640 He's had a very difficult year. 216 00:09:12,640 --> 00:09:15,040 He was absolutely gutted not to get that advert. 217 00:09:15,040 --> 00:09:16,240 What advert? 218 00:09:16,240 --> 00:09:18,840 Well, you know Mr Muscle, the kitchen cleaner, 219 00:09:18,840 --> 00:09:22,240 as...as advertised by that weedy guy? 220 00:09:22,240 --> 00:09:24,440 Yeah. Well, they're launching it worldwide, 221 00:09:24,440 --> 00:09:27,040 and so they were looking for an Asian Mr Muscle. 222 00:09:27,040 --> 00:09:29,640 Oh, Gandhi'd be perfect for that. 223 00:09:29,640 --> 00:09:32,240 Well, he was down to the last two. 224 00:09:32,240 --> 00:09:33,640 Who'd they give it to? 225 00:09:33,640 --> 00:09:35,040 Krishnan Guru-Murthy. 226 00:09:35,040 --> 00:09:37,040 [LAUGHTER] 227 00:09:37,040 --> 00:09:41,440 Krishnan Guru-Murthy? 228 00:09:41,440 --> 00:09:43,440 He's not as thin as Gandhi, is he? 229 00:09:43,440 --> 00:09:46,640 No, but he is a lot easier to work with. 230 00:09:46,640 --> 00:09:48,040 Oh, what, the fasting? 231 00:09:48,040 --> 00:09:49,840 Well, if Gandhi doesn't like the way 232 00:09:49,840 --> 00:09:52,040 the new Mr Muscle foamer ad is being shot, 233 00:09:52,040 --> 00:09:54,040 then it's no point breaking for lunch 234 00:09:54,040 --> 00:09:57,440 and hoping that he calms down, cos he won't eat it. 235 00:09:57,440 --> 00:10:00,440 Essentially, he uses the same negotiating technique 236 00:10:00,440 --> 00:10:02,440 as a teenage girl. 237 00:10:02,440 --> 00:10:04,640 Well, there's no answer to these people. 238 00:10:04,640 --> 00:10:06,240 So India gets independence, 239 00:10:06,240 --> 00:10:08,640 and my niece Stephanie gets her driving lessons paid for 240 00:10:08,640 --> 00:10:09,840 -the way of the world. 241 00:10:09,840 --> 00:10:11,440 It's the way of the world. 242 00:10:11,440 --> 00:10:13,440 [LAUGHTER] 243 00:10:13,440 --> 00:10:16,440 BUZZER 244 00:10:16,440 --> 00:10:21,440 [SILENCE] 245 00:10:21,840 --> 00:10:23,840 [SILENCE] 246 00:10:23,840 --> 00:10:26,040 No, nothing. 247 00:10:26,040 --> 00:10:27,840 So it seems that television does not, 248 00:10:27,840 --> 00:10:30,840 despite the similarity of words, permit telepathy. 249 00:10:30,840 --> 00:10:34,840 Well, if you couldn't do it, I don't know who could. 250 00:10:34,840 --> 00:10:38,440 And now time for another bit of the endlessness, 251 00:10:38,440 --> 00:10:41,440 which we're calling Master Mind. 252 00:10:41,440 --> 00:10:42,640 . 253 00:10:42,640 --> 00:10:44,440 Yes, there's been some feeling here 254 00:10:44,440 --> 00:10:46,440 that it would be a diverting use of television 255 00:10:46,440 --> 00:10:48,440 to demonstrate the breadth of knowledge of you, 256 00:10:48,440 --> 00:10:50,440 the ordinary television... 257 00:10:50,440 --> 00:10:52,440 lookers? 258 00:10:52,440 --> 00:10:54,440 Do we have a name for them? 259 00:10:54,440 --> 00:10:56,440 Watchers? Seers? 260 00:10:56,440 --> 00:10:58,440 Er, Invisiblents? 261 00:10:58,440 --> 00:10:59,440 Well, we'll mull it over. 262 00:10:59,440 --> 00:11:01,440 In the meantime, whatever you're called, 263 00:11:01,440 --> 00:11:03,440 we've invited one of you into television house today. 264 00:11:03,440 --> 00:11:05,440 He's here now. His name is Mr Gregory Marsh, 265 00:11:05,440 --> 00:11:07,440 and he looks like this. 266 00:11:07,440 --> 00:11:09,440 TAPPING 267 00:11:09,440 --> 00:11:12,440 Good evening, television. 268 00:11:12,440 --> 00:11:15,440 Mr Marsh, you have, I believe, something of a master mind. 269 00:11:15,440 --> 00:11:17,440 I wouldn't go that far. 270 00:11:17,440 --> 00:11:19,440 Oh. Well, we'll press on nonetheless. 271 00:11:19,440 --> 00:11:21,440 Mr Marsh, please do us the honour 272 00:11:21,440 --> 00:11:24,440 of telling us all the things you know, starting now. 273 00:11:24,440 --> 00:11:26,440 Very well. 274 00:11:26,440 --> 00:11:28,440 There are four pecks in a bushel. 275 00:11:28,440 --> 00:11:31,440 Othello was composed by Verdi. 276 00:11:31,440 --> 00:11:35,440 The Battle of Crecy was fought in 1346. 277 00:11:35,440 --> 00:11:37,440 The largest land... 278 00:11:37,440 --> 00:11:40,440 Um, Cyril, I wonder if I might break in 279 00:11:40,440 --> 00:11:42,440 upon your bit of the television-ing for a moment. 280 00:11:42,440 --> 00:11:45,440 I wonder if this is the most efficient way 281 00:11:45,440 --> 00:11:48,440 of demonstrating the mastery of Mr Marsh's mind. 282 00:11:48,440 --> 00:11:52,440 Perhaps if you were rather to ask him questions 283 00:11:52,440 --> 00:11:56,440 about things he may or may not know, if you follow? 284 00:11:56,440 --> 00:11:58,440 No, I don't quite... 285 00:11:58,440 --> 00:12:00,440 Oh. Oh! 286 00:12:00,440 --> 00:12:02,440 Yes, that would be jolly good, wouldn't it? 287 00:12:02,440 --> 00:12:04,440 The cleverness of you. 288 00:12:04,440 --> 00:12:06,440 . 289 00:12:06,440 --> 00:12:08,440 Mr Marsh, will you please... 290 00:12:08,440 --> 00:12:12,440 Now, the fifth book of the New Testament is called Acts. 291 00:12:12,440 --> 00:12:14,440 Did you know that? 292 00:12:14,440 --> 00:12:16,440 Yes, I did. 293 00:12:16,440 --> 00:12:19,440 My Uncle Vanya was written by Chekhov. 294 00:12:19,440 --> 00:12:21,440 Did you know that? 295 00:12:21,440 --> 00:12:23,440 Yes, I did. 296 00:12:23,440 --> 00:12:25,440 Good. The principal language of Persia is Farsi. 297 00:12:25,440 --> 00:12:27,440 Did you know that? 298 00:12:27,440 --> 00:12:29,440 No, I didn't. 299 00:12:29,440 --> 00:12:31,440 Ah. Right. 300 00:12:31,440 --> 00:12:33,440 Do we stop there, then? 301 00:12:33,440 --> 00:12:35,440 Let's say we do. 302 00:12:35,440 --> 00:12:37,440 Very well. Mr Marsh, thank you for your time. 303 00:12:37,440 --> 00:12:39,440 You truly have a master mind. 304 00:12:39,440 --> 00:12:41,440 I wouldn't go that far. 305 00:12:41,440 --> 00:12:44,440 Now, back to Stanley for one of our regular looks 306 00:12:44,440 --> 00:12:46,440 at the handsome face. 307 00:12:46,440 --> 00:12:49,440 Right, well, I think I'm going to get changed 308 00:12:49,440 --> 00:12:51,440 and have a swim straight away. 309 00:12:51,440 --> 00:13:03,440 OK, changing now, so don't come round here. 310 00:13:03,440 --> 00:13:05,440 Just taking my shirt off at the moment, 311 00:13:05,440 --> 00:13:07,440 so it wouldn't be the end of the world, 312 00:13:07,440 --> 00:13:11,440 but still, I am changing, so don't come round here. 313 00:13:11,440 --> 00:13:15,440 Shoes and socks are still basically fine, no biggie, 314 00:13:15,440 --> 00:13:17,440 but don't come round here. I am changing. 315 00:13:17,440 --> 00:13:21,440 OK, trousers next, so, Defcon 4, increasingly, 316 00:13:21,440 --> 00:13:24,440 it is a bad time to come round the corner. 317 00:13:24,440 --> 00:13:26,440 Right, that's trousers off. OK, so here goes. 318 00:13:26,440 --> 00:13:28,440 I am now going to take off my underpants, 319 00:13:28,440 --> 00:13:30,440 so really don't come round here. 320 00:13:30,440 --> 00:13:32,440 All right, here goes. 321 00:13:32,440 --> 00:13:34,440 Right, I'm doing it! I'm doing it! 322 00:13:34,440 --> 00:13:36,440 Don't come round here! Don't come round here! 323 00:13:36,440 --> 00:13:38,440 I'm completely naked, my pants are around my feet. 324 00:13:38,440 --> 00:13:41,440 Right, you absolutely must not come round here now. 325 00:13:41,440 --> 00:13:43,440 If you do, you'll see the lot. 326 00:13:43,440 --> 00:13:45,440 OK, putting my trunks on. 327 00:13:45,440 --> 00:13:47,440 They're twisted! They're twisted! 328 00:13:47,440 --> 00:13:49,440 OK, no, it's OK. I'm getting in it. 329 00:13:49,440 --> 00:13:51,440 Ow! Stupid toggle. 330 00:13:51,440 --> 00:13:53,440 Just... Oopsie-daisy. Right, just rearranging. 331 00:13:53,440 --> 00:13:55,440 You can come round now. Don't come round. 332 00:13:55,440 --> 00:13:57,440 You can come round now. You can come round now. 333 00:13:57,440 --> 00:13:59,440 That's all fine. That's all fine. 334 00:13:59,440 --> 00:14:01,440 OK. 335 00:14:01,440 --> 00:14:03,440 Swim! 336 00:14:05,440 --> 00:14:07,440 (BUZZER) 337 00:14:07,440 --> 00:14:14,440 And now time for another bit of the endlessness. 338 00:14:14,440 --> 00:14:20,440 There. I think I've adjusted your microphone, Mr Temp. 339 00:14:20,440 --> 00:14:23,440 Thank you, Mr Garden. That's much more comfortable. 340 00:14:23,440 --> 00:14:26,440 This bit of the endlessness has a title, 341 00:14:26,440 --> 00:14:28,440 and its title is "What's My Line?" 342 00:14:28,440 --> 00:14:32,440 What's your line? 343 00:14:32,440 --> 00:14:34,440 I'm an architect. 344 00:14:34,440 --> 00:14:36,440 How interesting. 345 00:14:36,440 --> 00:14:39,440 What's your line? 346 00:14:39,440 --> 00:14:41,440 I'm a housewife. 347 00:14:41,440 --> 00:14:43,440 Good for you. 348 00:14:43,440 --> 00:14:45,440 What's your line? 349 00:14:45,440 --> 00:14:47,440 Every baker shop in the country has to order 350 00:14:47,440 --> 00:14:49,440 a certain amount of flour every week. 351 00:14:49,440 --> 00:14:51,440 And at the company which sells the flour, 352 00:14:51,440 --> 00:14:53,440 you need to know the amount of flour that's likely to be required 353 00:14:53,440 --> 00:14:55,440 at a particular place at a particular time. 354 00:14:55,440 --> 00:14:57,440 So someone has to work that out mathematically 355 00:14:57,440 --> 00:14:59,440 to ensure that sufficient supplies are available. 356 00:14:59,440 --> 00:15:01,440 Well, I'm his gardener. 357 00:15:01,440 --> 00:15:03,440 (LAUGHTER) 358 00:15:03,440 --> 00:15:05,440 Is that everyone? 359 00:15:05,440 --> 00:15:07,440 Well, that seemed to fly by. 360 00:15:07,440 --> 00:15:10,440 Although it could just be that it was incredibly short. 361 00:15:10,440 --> 00:15:14,440 Well, great. We'll certainly be doing "What's My Line?" again. 362 00:15:14,440 --> 00:15:17,440 Although we may have to tinker with the format slightly. 363 00:15:17,440 --> 00:15:20,440 It's almost as if we need to find a way of slowing down 364 00:15:20,440 --> 00:15:22,440 the process of finding out what people do. 365 00:15:22,440 --> 00:15:26,440 I know it sounds pointless, but oddly, I think it could help. 366 00:15:26,440 --> 00:15:29,440 Brilliant analysis, my close friend. 367 00:15:30,440 --> 00:15:32,440 I think my microphone needs adjusting now. 368 00:15:32,440 --> 00:15:37,440 OK, this is the bit where the poltergeist freaks out 369 00:15:37,440 --> 00:15:39,440 and starts chucking books at Jenny. 370 00:15:39,440 --> 00:15:41,440 You all right with that, Jenny? They're giving you padding and everything. 371 00:15:41,440 --> 00:15:43,440 Not really. It'll be very quick. 372 00:15:43,440 --> 00:15:45,440 I'm sure it's all been very carefully planned. 373 00:15:45,440 --> 00:15:47,440 Absolutely. So where's the poltergeist? 374 00:15:47,440 --> 00:15:50,440 Yeah. Oh, right, yeah, it's Keith, isn't it? 375 00:15:50,440 --> 00:15:53,440 Is he in there? Yeah. Do you want me to let him out of the box? 376 00:15:53,440 --> 00:15:55,440 If you would. 377 00:15:58,440 --> 00:16:00,440 (PAPER RUSTLES) 378 00:16:00,440 --> 00:16:07,440 Is he getting out? 379 00:16:07,440 --> 00:16:09,440 He's standing right next to you now. 380 00:16:09,440 --> 00:16:11,440 Ooh! It's quite spooky, isn't it? 381 00:16:11,440 --> 00:16:14,440 Right, anyway, Jenny says her line, "Is there anybody in... 382 00:16:14,440 --> 00:16:16,440 "Is there someone in here?" 383 00:16:16,440 --> 00:16:18,440 And then the poltergeist starts throwing books at her. 384 00:16:18,440 --> 00:16:21,440 You know, lots of books flying about, lots of action, 385 00:16:21,440 --> 00:16:23,440 but tell him not to get too carried away. 386 00:16:23,440 --> 00:16:25,440 Tell him not to aim at her face. 387 00:16:25,440 --> 00:16:27,440 Right. Will do. 388 00:16:29,440 --> 00:16:32,440 OK. Right, let's run up. 389 00:16:32,440 --> 00:16:34,440 Turn over. 390 00:16:34,440 --> 00:16:38,440 Invisible Darkness, scene 24, take one. 391 00:16:38,440 --> 00:16:40,440 Cue playback. And action. 392 00:16:40,440 --> 00:16:46,440 Is there someone in here? 393 00:16:46,440 --> 00:16:51,440 Is there someone in here? 394 00:16:51,440 --> 00:16:54,440 Cut! What's going on, Keith? 395 00:16:54,440 --> 00:16:56,440 Yeah, he's thinking about it. 396 00:16:56,440 --> 00:16:59,440 Yeah, well, he needs to do it, Keith. We're on a tight schedule here. 397 00:16:59,440 --> 00:17:01,440 Don't take that tone with him. You'll make him angry. 398 00:17:01,440 --> 00:17:03,440 I'm talking to you. 399 00:17:03,440 --> 00:17:05,440 Oh, you are making him so angry. 400 00:17:05,440 --> 00:17:08,440 You sure it's a real poltergeist? 401 00:17:08,440 --> 00:17:11,440 That's it! He's gone mental! Get the blanket! 402 00:17:11,440 --> 00:17:13,440 Get the blanket! 403 00:17:13,440 --> 00:17:15,440 Get the blanket! 404 00:17:15,440 --> 00:17:17,440 Get the blanket! He needs to go in the... 405 00:17:17,440 --> 00:17:22,440 I'm putting him in the rocks! 406 00:17:22,440 --> 00:17:24,440 I'm putting him in the rocks! 407 00:17:24,440 --> 00:17:45,440 Are you getting any? 408 00:17:45,440 --> 00:17:47,440 No. 409 00:17:47,440 --> 00:17:49,440 Neither am I. 410 00:17:49,440 --> 00:17:51,440 Cos I thought it would be all... 411 00:17:52,440 --> 00:17:54,440 That there would be quite a lot of... 412 00:17:54,440 --> 00:17:57,440 Yeah, so did I. 413 00:17:57,440 --> 00:18:02,440 Have you been down the bar? 414 00:18:02,440 --> 00:18:04,440 Yeah. 415 00:18:04,440 --> 00:18:06,440 Nothing doing. 416 00:18:06,440 --> 00:18:17,440 I can see... 417 00:18:19,440 --> 00:18:22,440 I don't know what's wrong with you guys. 418 00:18:22,440 --> 00:18:25,440 I think everyone's just very shy here. 419 00:18:25,440 --> 00:18:28,440 Are you telling me? None of you are getting any. 420 00:18:28,440 --> 00:18:31,440 You do remember why you came here in the first place, don't you? 421 00:18:31,440 --> 00:18:33,440 Yeah. 422 00:18:33,440 --> 00:18:35,440 But it's just very hard, though. 423 00:18:35,440 --> 00:18:38,440 Doesn't seem to bother the Abbot. 424 00:18:38,440 --> 00:18:40,440 Whoa! 425 00:18:41,440 --> 00:18:43,440 Whoo-hoo! 426 00:18:43,440 --> 00:18:57,440 Whoo-hoo! 427 00:18:57,440 --> 00:19:02,440 It's just so intimidating. 428 00:19:09,440 --> 00:19:11,440 No. 429 00:19:11,440 --> 00:19:13,440 What about you? 430 00:19:13,440 --> 00:19:15,440 Someone gave me their phone number. 431 00:19:15,440 --> 00:19:17,440 Oh, that's good. 432 00:19:17,440 --> 00:19:19,440 I mean, it was the number of the monastery, 433 00:19:19,440 --> 00:19:21,440 but I thought it was a good sign. 434 00:19:21,440 --> 00:19:23,440 Morning, Abbott. Morning, Abbott. 435 00:19:23,440 --> 00:19:26,440 Enjoy yourselves! That's what we're here for! 436 00:19:26,440 --> 00:19:36,440 Do you think they have this problem at the nunnery across the road? 437 00:19:36,440 --> 00:19:38,440 I don't think so. 438 00:19:39,440 --> 00:19:41,440 # Only love can do it 439 00:19:41,440 --> 00:19:44,440 # Only love can do it 440 00:19:44,440 --> 00:19:48,440 # Only love can do it... # 441 00:19:48,440 --> 00:19:50,440 It's different for girls. 442 00:19:50,440 --> 00:19:53,440 (audience laughing)