"It's Clarkson on TV" Special

1 00:00:06,000 --> 00:00:12,074 Watch Online Movies and Series for FREE www.osdb.link/lm 2 00:00:18,350 --> 00:00:21,110 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 3 00:00:21,110 --> 00:00:25,190 Hello, and welcome to It's Clarkson On TV. 4 00:00:25,190 --> 00:00:27,350 Now, if you're anything like me, 5 00:00:27,350 --> 00:00:29,670 you'll have had to sign up for thousands of services 6 00:00:29,670 --> 00:00:32,870 just to watch all the things you want to see on TV. 7 00:00:32,870 --> 00:00:35,950 Obviously, there's the BBC TV licence, 8 00:00:35,950 --> 00:00:40,590 which is £53 for black and white, but - call me reckless - 9 00:00:40,590 --> 00:00:43,510 I decided to splash out. LAUGHTER 10 00:00:43,510 --> 00:00:45,790 I went for colour. LAUGHTER 11 00:00:45,790 --> 00:00:48,910 £157.50. LAUGHTER 12 00:00:48,910 --> 00:00:51,950 And that was just the start, cos then there's Netflix, 13 00:00:51,950 --> 00:00:53,990 and Amazon, and BT Sport, 14 00:00:53,990 --> 00:00:56,990 and Sky, and Sky Movies, and Sky Sports, 15 00:00:56,990 --> 00:00:59,190 and PornHub Premium. LAUGHTER 16 00:00:59,190 --> 00:01:04,750 And all of this is costing me £137 a month. 17 00:01:04,750 --> 00:01:07,430 That's why I'm doing this show reviewing TV, 18 00:01:07,430 --> 00:01:10,470 so I can claim it back against tax. LAUGHTER 19 00:01:10,470 --> 00:01:14,430 However, I then realised I'd completely forgotten 20 00:01:14,430 --> 00:01:16,950 to subscribe to Icelandic television, 21 00:01:16,950 --> 00:01:19,110 which meant I wasn't able to see 22 00:01:19,110 --> 00:01:22,750 this hilariously bad-tempered man storming off a quiz show. 23 00:01:22,750 --> 00:01:25,790 THEY SPEAK ICELANDIC 24 00:01:30,190 --> 00:01:32,230 APPLAUSE 25 00:01:32,230 --> 00:01:34,670 SMASHING, PRESENTER YELLS 26 00:01:34,670 --> 00:01:37,470 GLASS BREAKING, SHE SPEAKS ICELANDIC 27 00:01:37,470 --> 00:01:38,910 LAUGHTER 28 00:01:40,630 --> 00:01:46,430 THEY SPEAK ICELANDIC 29 00:01:49,870 --> 00:01:54,110 SMASHING AND CRASHING, LAUGHTER 30 00:01:54,110 --> 00:01:56,310 APPLAUSE He was brilliant, wasn't he? 31 00:01:56,310 --> 00:01:58,230 The other thing I wasn't able to watch, 32 00:01:58,230 --> 00:02:01,550 because I wasn't spending £7.99 a month on Disney+, 33 00:02:01,550 --> 00:02:04,630 was the much talked-about Mandalorian, 34 00:02:04,630 --> 00:02:07,910 which, so far as I can tell, is a marketing exercise 35 00:02:07,910 --> 00:02:12,630 designed to make you spend a further £21 on a small green doll. 36 00:02:12,630 --> 00:02:13,990 LAUGHTER 37 00:02:13,990 --> 00:02:17,390 I'm gonna start the landing cycle, you'd better get back in your seat. 38 00:02:23,990 --> 00:02:25,990 BABY YODA COOS 39 00:02:27,710 --> 00:02:32,430 Hey, what did I tell you? Back in your seat. 40 00:02:32,430 --> 00:02:36,030 Because so many people were talking about this, however, 41 00:02:36,030 --> 00:02:39,030 I eventually signed up, and I wish I hadn't. 42 00:02:39,030 --> 00:02:42,870 Because I'm sorry, but a bloke in a costume trying to look after his kid 43 00:02:42,870 --> 00:02:46,710 has a bit of a Fathers 4 Justice vibe. 44 00:02:46,710 --> 00:02:48,150 LAUGHTER 45 00:02:48,150 --> 00:02:50,790 I genuinely don't get it. It's just a guy in a mask! 46 00:02:50,790 --> 00:02:52,990 He might be doing amazing things in there, 47 00:02:52,990 --> 00:02:55,270 but what's the point, when we can't see his face? 48 00:02:55,270 --> 00:02:57,750 It'd be like putting James Bond in a wheelie bin! 49 00:02:57,750 --> 00:03:00,750 Is he happy? Is he sad? Is he aroused? We don't know. 50 00:03:00,750 --> 00:03:02,390 LAUGHTER 51 00:03:02,390 --> 00:03:05,350 And this, of course, brings me onto The Masked Singer, 52 00:03:05,350 --> 00:03:09,310 the show where someone comes on in a silly costume and sings, 53 00:03:09,310 --> 00:03:11,510 and then you have to guess who it is. 54 00:03:11,510 --> 00:03:13,230 Now, the problem I have with this show 55 00:03:13,230 --> 00:03:17,470 is that the person in the sausage and chips outfit could be anyone. 56 00:03:17,470 --> 00:03:20,470 Could be Moira Stuart, could be Sebastian Coe, 57 00:03:20,470 --> 00:03:22,510 could be my postman. LAUGHTER 58 00:03:22,510 --> 00:03:25,310 And even if it does eventually turn out to be a postman, 59 00:03:25,310 --> 00:03:29,190 the panel of judges always goes berserk. 60 00:03:29,190 --> 00:03:34,110 ALL CHANT: Take it off, take it off, take it off, take it off! 61 00:03:37,310 --> 00:03:39,030 # Who's that behind the mask? # CHEERING 62 00:03:39,030 --> 00:03:42,030 It's Glenn Hoddle! Yes, it's Glenn Hoddle, everybody! 63 00:03:42,030 --> 00:03:44,470 It's only Glenn Hoddle! 64 00:03:44,470 --> 00:03:48,710 England manager, player... Oh, my God! 65 00:03:48,710 --> 00:03:50,270 LAUGHTER 66 00:03:50,270 --> 00:03:53,110 Why were you reacting like that to Glenn Hoddle? 67 00:03:53,110 --> 00:03:55,790 You've gone too big too soon. 68 00:03:55,790 --> 00:03:58,990 Cos what if, next week, it's Barack Obama? 69 00:03:58,990 --> 00:04:00,630 LAUGHTER 70 00:04:00,630 --> 00:04:03,190 It's Barack Obama! 71 00:04:03,190 --> 00:04:06,190 Or UN weapons inspector Hans Blix? 72 00:04:06,190 --> 00:04:07,950 LAUGHTER 73 00:04:07,950 --> 00:04:11,230 I would actually quite like to see him on Masked Singer. 74 00:04:11,230 --> 00:04:14,190 Anyway, inspired by The Masked Singer, 75 00:04:14,190 --> 00:04:16,870 this is what I've been hearing in my head 76 00:04:16,870 --> 00:04:19,390 when I was watching The Mandalorian. 77 00:04:19,390 --> 00:04:22,030 "Is it Glenn Hoddle? Is it Hans Blix?" 78 00:04:22,030 --> 00:04:24,710 LAUGHTER Who's behind the mask? 79 00:04:24,710 --> 00:04:27,590 Take it off, take it off, take it off, take it off.... 80 00:04:27,590 --> 00:04:30,350 CROWD CHANTS: Take it off, take it off, take it off, take it off... 81 00:04:30,350 --> 00:04:34,270 THEY CHANT, LAUGHTER 82 00:04:38,550 --> 00:04:40,990 Who are you? LAUGHTER 83 00:04:40,990 --> 00:04:43,030 Come on! 84 00:04:43,030 --> 00:04:45,030 Who is it? LAUGHTER 85 00:04:45,030 --> 00:04:46,910 He'll have to take it off eventually, 86 00:04:46,910 --> 00:04:49,990 especially if he wants to go into the Post Office. 87 00:04:49,990 --> 00:04:52,510 LAUGHTER There's a sign on the door. 88 00:04:52,510 --> 00:04:54,510 And when he does take it off, you'll all go, 89 00:04:54,510 --> 00:04:56,270 "Oh, look, it's that guy from Narcos, 90 00:04:56,270 --> 00:04:59,230 "the one who did the clever sword dancing thing 91 00:04:59,230 --> 00:05:02,830 "in Game Of Thrones. He's brilliant. What a waste." 92 00:05:02,830 --> 00:05:04,270 LAUGHTER 93 00:05:04,270 --> 00:05:07,230 Anyway, while I haven't really been enjoying watching 94 00:05:07,230 --> 00:05:09,230 a man with a bucket on his head, 95 00:05:09,230 --> 00:05:12,150 the big American drama I HAVE been glued to 96 00:05:12,150 --> 00:05:14,510 is Yellowstone on Amazon Prime, 97 00:05:14,510 --> 00:05:17,630 which is primarily an excuse for Kevin Costner 98 00:05:17,630 --> 00:05:21,510 to stare into the middle distance while saying something profound. 99 00:05:21,510 --> 00:05:22,910 LAUGHTER 100 00:05:22,910 --> 00:05:24,950 When you know it's coming, 101 00:05:24,950 --> 00:05:28,230 tomorrow stops factoring into your decisions, 102 00:05:28,230 --> 00:05:30,590 cos you know you're never gonna see it. 103 00:05:33,310 --> 00:05:36,230 And then you... HE CHUCKLES 104 00:05:36,230 --> 00:05:38,030 ..then you live. 105 00:05:38,030 --> 00:05:41,310 But Dad, I just said I was going into town and did you want anything? 106 00:05:41,310 --> 00:05:43,270 LAUGHTER 107 00:05:43,270 --> 00:05:47,270 And I know the writers wanted Kevin to seem full of wisdom, 108 00:05:47,270 --> 00:05:51,230 but he just sounds like he's reading out inspirational quotes 109 00:05:51,230 --> 00:05:53,750 he's seen on Instagram. LAUGHTER 110 00:05:53,750 --> 00:05:58,390 All the angels are gone, son. There's only devils left. 111 00:05:58,390 --> 00:05:59,870 Well, the whole world's a test, son. 112 00:05:59,870 --> 00:06:02,070 Don't ever let it trick you into thinkin' different. 113 00:06:02,070 --> 00:06:04,950 Every man needs a dream, Dan, but... 114 00:06:04,950 --> 00:06:07,150 dreams take courage. LAUGHTER 115 00:06:07,150 --> 00:06:09,910 I'll show you, genuinely, how they wrote this show. 116 00:06:09,910 --> 00:06:12,350 I've got my phone out while you were watching that, OK? 117 00:06:12,350 --> 00:06:15,030 And this is inspirational quotes on Instagram. 118 00:06:15,030 --> 00:06:17,470 I'm gonna not cheat, I'll just go along randomly. 119 00:06:17,470 --> 00:06:19,470 There's one. Ready? 120 00:06:21,190 --> 00:06:24,270 GRAVELLY VOICE: "A seed grows with no sound..." 121 00:06:24,270 --> 00:06:26,710 "but a tree falls with huge noise." 122 00:06:26,710 --> 00:06:29,950 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 123 00:06:33,190 --> 00:06:37,670 "Destruction has noise, but creation is quiet." 124 00:06:37,670 --> 00:06:39,590 LAUGHTER 125 00:06:43,990 --> 00:06:46,510 "If you don't like where you are... 126 00:06:46,510 --> 00:06:48,310 "move." 127 00:06:48,310 --> 00:06:50,030 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 128 00:06:55,030 --> 00:06:59,270 Anyway, tragically, we must now move on... 129 00:06:59,270 --> 00:07:01,790 to Nigel Havers. 130 00:07:01,790 --> 00:07:05,190 He's a national treasure. Nobody hates him, 131 00:07:05,190 --> 00:07:08,630 apart from his agent, who, so far as I can tell, 132 00:07:08,630 --> 00:07:12,870 only ever gets him jobs that are humiliating and terrible. 133 00:07:12,870 --> 00:07:15,270 LAUGHTER I mean, check out this scene 134 00:07:15,270 --> 00:07:19,230 that he was given in the ITV drama Finding Alice. 135 00:07:19,230 --> 00:07:23,190 Oh, no. It's a runny one. 136 00:07:23,190 --> 00:07:27,110 Oh. Oh, Dudley. Just get out of the way, would you? 137 00:07:27,110 --> 00:07:29,750 DOG WHINES 138 00:07:29,750 --> 00:07:32,030 Oh! Ah.... LAUGHTER 139 00:07:32,030 --> 00:07:33,510 Have you got any wet wipes? 140 00:07:33,510 --> 00:07:36,470 No, they're bad. They make fatbergs. 141 00:07:36,470 --> 00:07:37,990 Ugh... 142 00:07:37,990 --> 00:07:41,750 AUDIENCE GROANS AND LAUGHS Imagine Kevin Costner doing that. 143 00:07:41,750 --> 00:07:43,950 LAUGHTER 144 00:07:43,950 --> 00:07:49,070 GRAVELLY VOICE: "Son, you only get out of a dog what you put in." 145 00:07:49,070 --> 00:07:52,910 LAUGHTER 146 00:07:52,910 --> 00:07:57,150 But Nigel must have dreamed, after picking up the faeces, 147 00:07:57,150 --> 00:08:01,390 that his next job would be in The Night Manager, in Majorca, 148 00:08:01,390 --> 00:08:04,430 as the love interest of Elizabeth Debicki. 149 00:08:04,430 --> 00:08:07,710 Afraid not. Instead, his agent called to say, 150 00:08:07,710 --> 00:08:10,510 "Nige, we have got a great little gig, 151 00:08:10,510 --> 00:08:14,870 "where you go to a luxury hotel... and you work there." 152 00:08:14,870 --> 00:08:17,550 LAUGHTER 153 00:08:17,550 --> 00:08:19,270 Does this all belong to one person? 154 00:08:19,270 --> 00:08:22,030 Yes, and we need to get these up as quickly as possible. 155 00:08:22,030 --> 00:08:24,230 Mr Havers. Yes. You will be making beds now. 156 00:08:24,230 --> 00:08:27,190 Oh, great. I'll introduce you, then, to Vaida... 157 00:08:27,190 --> 00:08:29,190 Oh, hello, Vaida. 158 00:08:29,190 --> 00:08:32,070 ..who will help you to make beds. Very nice to meet you. 159 00:08:32,070 --> 00:08:34,230 But I'm expecting you to make a bed. 160 00:08:34,230 --> 00:08:36,590 OK. So, I leave you for now. Right. LAUGHTER 161 00:08:36,590 --> 00:08:38,830 And I'll come back later. OK. Thank you very much. 162 00:08:38,830 --> 00:08:41,150 After this, though, things looked up. 163 00:08:41,150 --> 00:08:43,350 They sent him off in the summer 164 00:08:43,350 --> 00:08:46,470 to go punting on a river and drive a sports car. 165 00:08:46,470 --> 00:08:48,990 There are three iconic buildings in Cambridge, 166 00:08:48,990 --> 00:08:52,390 but this is probably the most iconic. King's College. 167 00:08:52,390 --> 00:08:55,590 HORN MUSIC 168 00:08:58,550 --> 00:09:01,670 This is what you call motoring. 169 00:09:02,830 --> 00:09:04,710 Now, that all looks great, 170 00:09:04,710 --> 00:09:07,230 but it was right in the middle of the pandemic. 171 00:09:07,230 --> 00:09:08,670 LAUGHTER 172 00:09:08,670 --> 00:09:10,870 Everyone else was at home, but not Havers. 173 00:09:10,870 --> 00:09:13,190 Even though he was nearly 70, 174 00:09:13,190 --> 00:09:17,430 he was made to go outside and ingest COVID for a month! 175 00:09:17,430 --> 00:09:19,870 LAUGHTER Mind you, that was nothing 176 00:09:19,870 --> 00:09:22,950 compared to what his evil agent came up with next. 177 00:09:22,950 --> 00:09:26,510 A show called The Bidding Room. 178 00:09:28,070 --> 00:09:30,350 Wouldn't it be great if there was a place 179 00:09:30,350 --> 00:09:32,750 where you could bring all your interesting objects, 180 00:09:32,750 --> 00:09:35,750 have them valued, and then sell them? 181 00:09:35,750 --> 00:09:38,030 Hang on... There is! 182 00:09:38,030 --> 00:09:40,950 Yes, Nigel, eBay. LAUGHTER 183 00:09:40,950 --> 00:09:44,110 The poor man was being made to take on 184 00:09:44,110 --> 00:09:46,950 a multi-billion dollar tech giant, 185 00:09:46,950 --> 00:09:50,070 armed only with a blazer, a winning smile, 186 00:09:50,070 --> 00:09:53,550 a cast of weirdos and some delusional punters, 187 00:09:53,550 --> 00:09:55,510 who arrive at the studio 188 00:09:55,510 --> 00:09:58,310 looking like they've just come from a fight at a wedding. 189 00:09:58,310 --> 00:10:02,390 Wow, OK. How long have you had this object for? 190 00:10:02,390 --> 00:10:04,350 Since I was a child. LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 191 00:10:04,350 --> 00:10:06,030 It's made of brass. Is it brass? 192 00:10:06,030 --> 00:10:07,910 It could be brass, it could be bronze. 193 00:10:07,910 --> 00:10:10,830 And what would you do with the money if you did sell it? 194 00:10:10,830 --> 00:10:14,310 A mortgage. LAUGHTER 195 00:10:14,310 --> 00:10:19,070 So, this man believes that he will be able to pay off his mortgage 196 00:10:19,070 --> 00:10:22,110 by selling that hideous brass ornament 197 00:10:22,110 --> 00:10:24,750 to one of the panel of antique experts. 198 00:10:24,750 --> 00:10:27,230 So, let's see how he gets on. 199 00:10:27,230 --> 00:10:30,150 I'm out, but thanks. Ta. 200 00:10:30,150 --> 00:10:33,510 £25. £30. 201 00:10:33,510 --> 00:10:35,710 That is very far from a mortgage. HE LAUGHS 202 00:10:35,710 --> 00:10:39,430 All right, I'm back in, then. £35. Wow! 203 00:10:39,430 --> 00:10:43,190 I don't want to go any higher, but I'll offer you £40. Right. 204 00:10:44,230 --> 00:10:47,550 Well, that should be enough to get him on the ladder (!) 205 00:10:47,550 --> 00:10:49,790 Not the property ladder, just a stepladder. 206 00:10:49,790 --> 00:10:52,470 LAUGHTER But then it turned out... No! 207 00:10:52,470 --> 00:10:56,150 OK, so, everybody else is out. What were you hoping to get for it? 208 00:10:56,150 --> 00:10:58,510 I was talking about thousands. 209 00:10:58,510 --> 00:11:00,070 Thousands? Yeah. 210 00:11:00,070 --> 00:11:04,470 Thousands? Yeah, because I thought it was very old, that's why. 211 00:11:04,470 --> 00:11:07,950 And old means, you know, value. 212 00:11:07,950 --> 00:11:10,790 As we're that far away, I'm just gonna withdraw my bid 213 00:11:10,790 --> 00:11:12,070 and say I'm out. 214 00:11:12,070 --> 00:11:15,270 That is not how an auction works, big boy. 215 00:11:15,270 --> 00:11:17,470 You can't put your hand up and then say, 216 00:11:17,470 --> 00:11:19,390 "Oh, no, I didn't mean it". 217 00:11:19,390 --> 00:11:21,670 Honestly, it's like the makers of that programme 218 00:11:21,670 --> 00:11:25,750 just saw a photograph of an auction and then guessed what was going on. 219 00:11:25,750 --> 00:11:27,630 LAUGHTER 220 00:11:27,630 --> 00:11:29,470 I mean, look what happened in this next clip 221 00:11:29,470 --> 00:11:32,270 when someone turned up to sell them a shit plate. 222 00:11:32,270 --> 00:11:34,430 LAUGHTER 223 00:11:34,430 --> 00:11:37,510 The Clarice Cliff pottery plate is a reproduction, 224 00:11:37,510 --> 00:11:40,270 and valued between £5 and £20. 225 00:11:40,270 --> 00:11:43,510 So, can Keeley persuade any of the dealers to buy? 226 00:11:43,510 --> 00:11:46,750 Unfortunately, I don't buy plates. 227 00:11:46,750 --> 00:11:48,950 What, ever? LAUGHTER 228 00:11:48,950 --> 00:11:51,870 What do you eat off, the carpet? LAUGHTER 229 00:11:51,870 --> 00:11:53,910 Anyway, I digress. 230 00:11:53,910 --> 00:11:59,030 So, let's get back to the producer's weird idea of what an auction is. 231 00:11:59,030 --> 00:12:00,710 Will you accept £20? 232 00:12:00,710 --> 00:12:02,910 Can you go higher? Cos it is really nice. 233 00:12:02,910 --> 00:12:05,830 I wouldn't pay more than £20 for a plate to put my toast on. 234 00:12:05,830 --> 00:12:09,390 Not 25? Not even 25? I'm very happy to pay £20 for it. 235 00:12:09,390 --> 00:12:12,310 Lucy, if you give her the 20, I'll give you the five. Thank you. 236 00:12:12,310 --> 00:12:14,710 Thank you, Moses, that's great, and we can share it. 237 00:12:14,710 --> 00:12:16,910 Yes. Well, I don't know about that. It's all yours. 238 00:12:16,910 --> 00:12:18,030 THEY LAUGH Aw. 239 00:12:18,030 --> 00:12:20,510 Let me just see if I've got this straight. 240 00:12:20,510 --> 00:12:24,950 If he sees someone buying tomatoes for a quid in a shop... 241 00:12:24,950 --> 00:12:28,830 Does he then give the shopkeeper an extra 50p to not have them? 242 00:12:28,830 --> 00:12:30,310 LAUGHTER 243 00:12:30,310 --> 00:12:33,310 Cos I'm not gonna adopt that policy on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire. 244 00:12:33,310 --> 00:12:37,630 "You've won £32,000, so here's an extra grand from me." 245 00:12:37,630 --> 00:12:40,190 LAUGHTER Right, let's take a break, 246 00:12:40,190 --> 00:12:42,590 where, undoubtedly, there will be an advert 247 00:12:42,590 --> 00:12:45,950 in which Nigel Havers is made to eat a urinal cake. 248 00:12:45,950 --> 00:12:49,790 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 249 00:12:57,780 --> 00:12:59,700 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 250 00:12:59,700 --> 00:13:01,740 Thank you. Welcome back. 251 00:13:01,740 --> 00:13:04,900 Now, I wanna talk about another national treasure. 252 00:13:04,900 --> 00:13:08,180 The comfortably-trousered Monty Don. 253 00:13:08,180 --> 00:13:11,700 A really important factor in why this looks so good 254 00:13:11,700 --> 00:13:16,660 is the soil, because it's very shallow and poor. 255 00:13:16,660 --> 00:13:20,620 And that means that all these plants are growing hard. 256 00:13:20,620 --> 00:13:23,660 They're nice and upright and strong, 257 00:13:23,660 --> 00:13:26,620 whereas if they were in lush, rich soil, 258 00:13:26,620 --> 00:13:29,540 they would be softer, and when the wind and the rain came 259 00:13:29,540 --> 00:13:31,780 it would smash them down. 260 00:13:31,780 --> 00:13:35,700 And this lovely, textured tapestry 261 00:13:35,700 --> 00:13:39,380 is dependent upon the toughness of the plants. 262 00:13:39,380 --> 00:13:44,100 Brilliant. A gardener telling us, with great authority and eloquence, 263 00:13:44,100 --> 00:13:46,540 about gardening. 264 00:13:46,540 --> 00:13:50,380 But a rare thing on television these days, because in recent years, 265 00:13:50,380 --> 00:13:53,740 the trend is for getting random celebrities 266 00:13:53,740 --> 00:13:57,780 to front shows on subjects about which they know nothing. 267 00:13:57,780 --> 00:14:02,020 So, you get a midwifing show hosted by a model. 268 00:14:02,020 --> 00:14:05,980 A property show presented by a footballer. 269 00:14:05,980 --> 00:14:09,100 A cookery show fronted by a car show presenter... 270 00:14:09,100 --> 00:14:10,340 LAUGHTER 271 00:14:10,340 --> 00:14:12,660 And a car show hosted by a cricketer. 272 00:14:12,660 --> 00:14:15,900 LAUGHTER And so, against this backdrop, 273 00:14:15,900 --> 00:14:18,900 who better to host a hard-hitting, insightful documentary 274 00:14:18,900 --> 00:14:22,740 about the catastrophic nuclear meltdown at Chernobyl 275 00:14:22,740 --> 00:14:25,820 than former Crufts presenter Ben Fogle? 276 00:14:25,820 --> 00:14:28,460 LAUGHTER 35 years ago, nuclear disaster 277 00:14:28,460 --> 00:14:31,820 rocked Chernobyl and the world. 278 00:14:31,820 --> 00:14:37,140 Now I have unprecedented access to the most radioactive place on Earth. 279 00:14:37,140 --> 00:14:39,020 GEIGER COUNTER BEEPS 280 00:14:39,020 --> 00:14:41,180 Unprecedented access? 281 00:14:41,180 --> 00:14:44,020 Not really, Ben. I was there seven years before you, look. 282 00:14:44,020 --> 00:14:46,820 LAUGHTER Richard Hammond was there in '86, 283 00:14:46,820 --> 00:14:50,580 for a show called When Pushing Buttons Goes Wrong. 284 00:14:50,580 --> 00:14:52,740 LAUGHTER 285 00:14:52,740 --> 00:14:54,460 Anyway, this whole business 286 00:14:54,460 --> 00:14:58,700 of getting people to host shows for which they have no qualification 287 00:14:58,700 --> 00:15:01,020 has now got so out of hand 288 00:15:01,020 --> 00:15:05,500 that when they needed to get two beluga whales from China to Iceland, 289 00:15:05,500 --> 00:15:07,700 who do you think they called? 290 00:15:07,700 --> 00:15:09,620 LAUGHTER I'm here because we're gonna try 291 00:15:09,620 --> 00:15:12,220 and bring two captive beluga whales from China 292 00:15:12,220 --> 00:15:17,580 all the way here, to the world's first ever beluga whale sanctuary. 293 00:15:17,580 --> 00:15:20,100 Nobody has ever tried to do this before. 294 00:15:20,100 --> 00:15:22,500 BELUGA WHALE SQUEAKS Yeah. Yeah. 295 00:15:22,500 --> 00:15:24,420 I mean, what could possibly go wrong? 296 00:15:24,420 --> 00:15:25,740 LAUGHTER 297 00:15:25,740 --> 00:15:28,340 That's right. A Liverpudlian comedian. 298 00:15:28,340 --> 00:15:30,860 I mean, if I was booking a host for that show, 299 00:15:30,860 --> 00:15:33,060 I'd have got to John Bishop in the end, 300 00:15:33,060 --> 00:15:34,580 but only after I'd thought of 301 00:15:34,580 --> 00:15:36,860 literally everyone else in the world. 302 00:15:36,860 --> 00:15:38,580 LAUGHTER Ban Ki-moon... 303 00:15:38,580 --> 00:15:41,260 Morten Harket from A-ha... LAUGHTER 304 00:15:41,260 --> 00:15:44,820 Former West Ham midfielder Nigel Reo-Coker... 305 00:15:44,820 --> 00:15:46,620 LAUGHTER Everybody. 306 00:15:46,620 --> 00:15:51,300 Still, as John said in that clip, what could possibly go wrong? 307 00:15:51,300 --> 00:15:56,220 Two female beluga whales, Little Grey and Little White, 308 00:15:56,220 --> 00:16:01,100 have been captive in a Chinese pool for nearly ten years. 309 00:16:01,100 --> 00:16:04,180 Well, that's one thing that's going to go wrong. 310 00:16:04,180 --> 00:16:07,180 They're two females. LAUGHTER 311 00:16:07,180 --> 00:16:10,180 So the breeding programme will be a disaster. But what do I know? 312 00:16:10,180 --> 00:16:13,460 I'm just a military historian and farmer. 313 00:16:13,460 --> 00:16:14,980 LAUGHTER 314 00:16:14,980 --> 00:16:18,660 Oh, and I should say this wrong host business isn't just a British thing. 315 00:16:18,660 --> 00:16:20,660 They've got the same problem in America. 316 00:16:20,660 --> 00:16:23,580 On Netflix, they have a new show about glass-making 317 00:16:23,580 --> 00:16:25,340 called Blown Away. 318 00:16:25,340 --> 00:16:28,020 Fascinating subject, with much to be learned. 319 00:16:28,020 --> 00:16:30,020 So, who did they get to host it? 320 00:16:30,020 --> 00:16:33,900 Yes, absolutely right, an inline skater called Nick Uhas, 321 00:16:33,900 --> 00:16:38,260 who really didn't have any kind of handle on the subject at all. 322 00:16:38,260 --> 00:16:39,780 LAUGHTER 323 00:16:39,780 --> 00:16:42,940 What, exactly, is glass? LAUGHTER 324 00:16:42,940 --> 00:16:46,660 HE IMITATES NICK: So, what is glass? LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 325 00:16:46,660 --> 00:16:49,140 Anyway, moving on. 326 00:16:49,140 --> 00:16:53,020 What if you were making a show that solves disputes about pets? 327 00:16:53,020 --> 00:16:55,500 Who would you hire for that? 328 00:16:55,500 --> 00:16:57,140 Yes, you're right again, 329 00:16:57,140 --> 00:17:00,900 the baddie from the 1991 surfer movie Point Break. 330 00:17:00,900 --> 00:17:02,220 LAUGHTER 331 00:17:02,220 --> 00:17:06,020 Each year, across the country, there are thousands of pet disputes. 332 00:17:06,020 --> 00:17:08,860 Those who want their cases tried by the best 333 00:17:08,860 --> 00:17:13,540 know there's only one man they can turn to. And he is thirsty for... 334 00:17:13,540 --> 00:17:16,340 Pet justice! LAUGHTER 335 00:17:16,340 --> 00:17:18,300 Come here, goat! HE ULULATES 336 00:17:18,300 --> 00:17:19,940 MONKEY SCREECHES, HE ROARS 337 00:17:19,940 --> 00:17:21,660 I can really swim... ALL IMITATE ANIMALS 338 00:17:21,660 --> 00:17:24,500 DOG BARKS Ah! Ooh! Yeah! 339 00:17:25,700 --> 00:17:27,340 That make sense? 340 00:17:27,340 --> 00:17:31,260 No, Gary Busey. Yeah! LAUGHTER 341 00:17:31,260 --> 00:17:34,180 APPLAUSE 342 00:17:34,180 --> 00:17:37,100 Yes, children, that's what cocaine looks like. 343 00:17:37,100 --> 00:17:39,060 LAUGHTER 344 00:17:39,060 --> 00:17:42,300 Now, I've actually nicked the system television executives use 345 00:17:42,300 --> 00:17:44,660 to make this kind of show these days. 346 00:17:44,660 --> 00:17:46,900 What they have is a bag of darts 347 00:17:46,900 --> 00:17:50,060 with celebrities' names on them, OK? 348 00:17:50,060 --> 00:17:51,660 And then, two dartboards. 349 00:17:51,660 --> 00:17:54,980 On the left, it's where the celebrity will be going, 350 00:17:54,980 --> 00:17:58,220 and on the right, what they'll be doing when they get there. 351 00:17:58,220 --> 00:18:01,340 So, ready? This is genuinely how it all works. 352 00:18:01,340 --> 00:18:04,100 We'll pop one out here. Who have we got? 353 00:18:04,100 --> 00:18:06,300 Nicholas Witchell, the BBC's Royal Correspondent. 354 00:18:06,300 --> 00:18:08,700 LAUGHTER Let's find out where he's going. 355 00:18:08,700 --> 00:18:11,100 He's going "after dark". LAUGHTER 356 00:18:11,100 --> 00:18:13,460 Let's find out what he's doing when he gets there. 357 00:18:13,460 --> 00:18:16,100 Oops! LAUGHTER 358 00:18:16,100 --> 00:18:19,100 He was... I've been in pubs and people watch me playing darts, 359 00:18:19,100 --> 00:18:21,540 and go, "Oh, no, look, there's something wrong with him." 360 00:18:21,540 --> 00:18:23,580 LAUGHTER 361 00:18:23,580 --> 00:18:26,260 Gyrocopting! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 362 00:18:26,260 --> 00:18:30,060 Nicholas Witchell, after dark, gyrocopting. We haven't finished. 363 00:18:30,060 --> 00:18:32,820 We have not finished, ladies and gentlemen. 364 00:18:32,820 --> 00:18:35,500 That's just, we only have one show, so let's go here. 365 00:18:35,500 --> 00:18:37,540 Next one... Anthea Turner. LAUGHTER 366 00:18:37,540 --> 00:18:39,740 Where is Anthea Turner going? 367 00:18:40,740 --> 00:18:42,660 Nowhere. LAUGHTER 368 00:18:42,660 --> 00:18:45,100 Quite literally, Anthea. I'm sorry about that, 369 00:18:45,100 --> 00:18:47,700 but you are literally going - you're out of work. 370 00:18:47,700 --> 00:18:50,060 Oh, no, there we are. She's going to her nana's house. 371 00:18:50,060 --> 00:18:52,220 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 372 00:18:52,220 --> 00:18:54,740 And when she's at her nana's house... 373 00:18:57,060 --> 00:18:58,540 LAUGHTER 374 00:18:58,540 --> 00:19:01,940 Wait, wait, wait. Wait. 375 00:19:01,940 --> 00:19:04,220 LAUGHTER, HE LAUGHS 376 00:19:04,220 --> 00:19:06,460 I can't be that bad, I simply can't be. 377 00:19:06,460 --> 00:19:09,700 And yet, I am! LAUGHTER 378 00:19:09,700 --> 00:19:11,020 We've gotta get it in, 379 00:19:11,020 --> 00:19:14,380 because television is waiting for this next huge show. 380 00:19:14,380 --> 00:19:16,700 Anthea Turner at her nana's house... 381 00:19:16,700 --> 00:19:20,100 Illegal forestry! CHEERING AND LAUGHTER 382 00:19:20,100 --> 00:19:21,900 So, here we are, we have a show. 383 00:19:21,900 --> 00:19:24,060 It's Anthea Turner, 384 00:19:24,060 --> 00:19:27,060 at her nana's house, doing illegal forestry! 385 00:19:27,060 --> 00:19:29,660 What do you think of that?! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 386 00:19:29,660 --> 00:19:32,940 That is 180... 387 00:19:32,940 --> 00:19:34,580 viewers. 388 00:19:34,580 --> 00:19:37,060 LAUGHTER 389 00:19:37,060 --> 00:19:39,820 My favourite example of this phenomenon 390 00:19:39,820 --> 00:19:42,900 is Interior Design Masters on BBC Two. 391 00:19:42,900 --> 00:19:45,420 Now, to make this Apprentice-style show, 392 00:19:45,420 --> 00:19:48,420 they found an expert - an Alan Sugar, if you will - 393 00:19:48,420 --> 00:19:50,820 then they found a Nick and some Margarets 394 00:19:50,820 --> 00:19:52,500 and some contestants. 395 00:19:52,500 --> 00:19:54,980 But then a TV exec said, 396 00:19:54,980 --> 00:19:58,020 "We need a celebrity to host this thing." 397 00:19:58,020 --> 00:20:00,620 And that was a problem. Who? 398 00:20:00,620 --> 00:20:02,940 They couldn't use Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen, 399 00:20:02,940 --> 00:20:05,660 cos he is actually an interior designer. 400 00:20:05,660 --> 00:20:09,700 Couldn't use Nigel Havers, cos he was in a wet market in Wuhan... 401 00:20:09,700 --> 00:20:11,620 LAUGHTER ..adopting a pangolin. 402 00:20:11,620 --> 00:20:14,540 John Bishop was busy swimming back from China 403 00:20:14,540 --> 00:20:16,780 with a couple of dead whales under each arm. 404 00:20:16,780 --> 00:20:18,220 LAUGHTER 405 00:20:18,220 --> 00:20:21,500 Kevin Costner was approached, and he wrote back saying, 406 00:20:21,500 --> 00:20:24,020 GRAVELLY VOICE: "You don't know how strong you are 407 00:20:24,020 --> 00:20:27,420 "until being strong's the only option you have." 408 00:20:27,420 --> 00:20:29,580 LAUGHTER 409 00:20:29,580 --> 00:20:33,020 They couldn't really understand what he was on about, so in the end, 410 00:20:33,020 --> 00:20:35,180 they hired Alan Carr, 411 00:20:35,180 --> 00:20:37,500 who has to turn up at the end of every show, 412 00:20:37,500 --> 00:20:39,060 when the judging is happening, 413 00:20:39,060 --> 00:20:43,300 even though there is literally nothing for him to do. 414 00:20:48,140 --> 00:20:50,860 Staring immediately at a colleague all the time, 415 00:20:50,860 --> 00:20:52,300 that was my preference. 416 00:20:52,300 --> 00:20:54,900 Been a really tough decision this week. 417 00:20:54,900 --> 00:20:56,740 LAUGHTER I'm sorry, Amy, it's you. 418 00:20:59,380 --> 00:21:02,980 Thank you very much for the opportunity. You're amazing. 419 00:21:02,980 --> 00:21:05,940 It's been lovely to show people what I can do. 420 00:21:07,060 --> 00:21:10,700 It is getting harder and harder to draw a line between these designers. 421 00:21:10,700 --> 00:21:13,580 It's really given me the confidence to do this, moving forwards, 422 00:21:13,580 --> 00:21:17,820 so thank you. It's been, it's been amazing. Thanks, Alan. 423 00:21:17,820 --> 00:21:20,380 Siobhan... LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 424 00:21:20,380 --> 00:21:23,100 He really is the hosting equivalent of a bay leaf. 425 00:21:23,100 --> 00:21:24,380 LAUGHTER 426 00:21:24,380 --> 00:21:26,580 And that's not where his misery ends, 427 00:21:26,580 --> 00:21:28,780 because then, to promote the programme, 428 00:21:28,780 --> 00:21:32,540 they made him go on the endlessly dysfunctional One Show, 429 00:21:32,540 --> 00:21:36,780 where a former Miss India, on a screen from Los Angeles, 430 00:21:36,780 --> 00:21:40,180 thought that he was an actual interior designer. 431 00:21:40,180 --> 00:21:42,420 It was the, like, first time in about 15 years 432 00:21:42,420 --> 00:21:46,140 that I've spent time picking colours and cushions, 433 00:21:46,140 --> 00:21:48,580 and, you know, investing in my corner. 434 00:21:48,580 --> 00:21:51,380 So, I think what you do is such an integral part 435 00:21:51,380 --> 00:21:53,940 of most people's lives. LAUGHTER 436 00:21:53,940 --> 00:21:55,060 So thank you, really. 437 00:21:55,060 --> 00:21:57,860 Is it - is it true that you... 438 00:21:57,860 --> 00:22:01,780 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 439 00:22:01,780 --> 00:22:05,260 That show is so hopeless. 440 00:22:05,260 --> 00:22:07,540 It didn't even give Alan a chance 441 00:22:07,540 --> 00:22:10,460 to tell that deluded drivel enthusiast 442 00:22:10,460 --> 00:22:13,220 that he wasn't an interior designer. 443 00:22:13,220 --> 00:22:16,580 In fact, the only thing that annoys me on TV 444 00:22:16,580 --> 00:22:18,340 more than The One Show 445 00:22:18,340 --> 00:22:20,060 is the way the crowd at Wimbledon applaud 446 00:22:20,060 --> 00:22:23,900 when a pigeon lands on the pitch and then takes off again. 447 00:22:23,900 --> 00:22:25,900 HE IMITATES APPLAUSE, LAUGHTER 448 00:22:25,900 --> 00:22:28,620 The only time you hear less-deserved applause 449 00:22:28,620 --> 00:22:32,940 is when actors go on chat shows and do something ordinary, 450 00:22:32,940 --> 00:22:34,860 like, for example... 451 00:22:34,860 --> 00:22:37,660 putting on a hat and a pair of sunglasses. 452 00:22:37,660 --> 00:22:41,420 Anybody from... who knows Breaking Bad 453 00:22:41,420 --> 00:22:43,580 will recognise this thing. 454 00:22:43,580 --> 00:22:45,420 Wow. Oh, wow. Amazing. 455 00:22:45,420 --> 00:22:46,900 And my... And my glasses. 456 00:22:46,900 --> 00:22:49,100 Oh, wow. Oh... So, it's... 457 00:22:49,100 --> 00:22:50,660 There he is. Oh... 458 00:22:50,660 --> 00:22:53,980 APPLAUSE Thank you. 459 00:22:53,980 --> 00:22:56,660 That's amazing. LAUGHTER 460 00:22:56,660 --> 00:23:02,140 No. That's a 65-year-old man putting things on his head and face. 461 00:23:02,140 --> 00:23:04,100 LAUGHTER 462 00:23:04,100 --> 00:23:06,460 And everyone bursts into a spasm of joy! 463 00:23:06,460 --> 00:23:09,420 He hadn't even bothered going into the studio. 464 00:23:09,420 --> 00:23:12,860 Ooh! And then there was the time when another elderly man 465 00:23:12,860 --> 00:23:15,060 said he'd once been to a nightclub. 466 00:23:15,060 --> 00:23:17,820 Have you ever been to Studio 54? Have you been to this place? 467 00:23:17,820 --> 00:23:20,260 No, I never went there, because - I think it was closed down. 468 00:23:20,260 --> 00:23:22,180 Michael, you might have been there. SHE GASPS 469 00:23:22,180 --> 00:23:24,380 I have been there, yeah. Have you been there? No. 470 00:23:24,380 --> 00:23:26,300 I did think you would have. 471 00:23:26,300 --> 00:23:28,500 I'm sorry, but if you're gonna applaud Michael Palin 472 00:23:28,500 --> 00:23:30,180 every time he says he's been somewhere, 473 00:23:30,180 --> 00:23:31,660 we're in for a long night. 474 00:23:31,660 --> 00:23:33,020 LAUGHTER 475 00:23:33,020 --> 00:23:36,780 No, don't, because there are so many other mundane things 476 00:23:36,780 --> 00:23:39,300 to applaud as well. Just look at this lot. 477 00:23:39,300 --> 00:23:40,380 You posted this photo. 478 00:23:40,380 --> 00:23:44,740 This is you recording at the iconic Abbey Road Studios. 479 00:23:44,740 --> 00:23:46,500 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 480 00:23:46,500 --> 00:23:49,060 And then we drank a whole bottle of champagne. OK. 481 00:23:49,060 --> 00:23:50,780 Hey! LAUGHTER 482 00:23:50,780 --> 00:23:52,580 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Now, that's a fight. 483 00:23:52,580 --> 00:23:53,620 Is this yours? 484 00:23:53,620 --> 00:23:55,380 To add to the thrill of being in 485 00:23:55,380 --> 00:23:58,060 one of the biggest Christmas movies of all time, Love Actually. 486 00:23:58,060 --> 00:24:01,500 ..playing Hugh Grant's... Were you his private secretary? 487 00:24:01,500 --> 00:24:03,180 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Yeah. Yeah. I was. 488 00:24:03,180 --> 00:24:04,220 There you are. 489 00:24:04,220 --> 00:24:08,260 I mean, any guy can essentially do this at a wedding. 490 00:24:08,260 --> 00:24:10,820 Oh, wow! LAUGHTER 491 00:24:10,820 --> 00:24:13,860 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 492 00:24:13,860 --> 00:24:16,540 Goes along, goes along with any music. Sit down. 493 00:24:16,540 --> 00:24:19,740 This is why celebrities are all so weird. 494 00:24:19,740 --> 00:24:23,180 They expect to be applauded every time they make a cup of tea. 495 00:24:23,180 --> 00:24:24,980 LAUGHTER 496 00:24:24,980 --> 00:24:27,340 I mean, Greg Davies, out of The Inbetweeners, 497 00:24:27,340 --> 00:24:30,340 once got applauded for being tall. 498 00:24:30,340 --> 00:24:33,980 Can I stand next to you? LAUGHTER 499 00:24:33,980 --> 00:24:36,340 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 500 00:24:39,300 --> 00:24:40,780 And you're not gonna believe this, 501 00:24:40,780 --> 00:24:42,740 but the next time he went on Norton's show, 502 00:24:42,740 --> 00:24:46,620 he got another round of applause for still being tall. 503 00:24:46,620 --> 00:24:49,540 LAUGHTER Oh, look! Oh! Oh! 504 00:24:49,540 --> 00:24:51,460 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 505 00:24:51,460 --> 00:24:54,260 You're taller. You're taller, yeah. 506 00:24:54,260 --> 00:24:57,020 LAUGHTER Let me try this out, yeah? 507 00:24:58,540 --> 00:25:01,020 I'm six foot five. 508 00:25:01,020 --> 00:25:03,580 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 509 00:25:03,580 --> 00:25:06,580 That's kind of the applause you get for a cheeky single 510 00:25:06,580 --> 00:25:08,940 at a village cricket match. LAUGHTER 511 00:25:08,940 --> 00:25:11,100 Let me try the Tom Hanks dance. 512 00:25:11,100 --> 00:25:13,260 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 513 00:25:14,460 --> 00:25:18,700 Thank you! And while we now sew the audience's arms back on, 514 00:25:18,700 --> 00:25:20,900 you lot go away and look at some adverts. 515 00:25:20,900 --> 00:25:23,540 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 516 00:25:28,500 --> 00:25:31,230 ROARS 517 00:25:32,110 --> 00:25:35,550 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 518 00:25:35,550 --> 00:25:37,710 Welcome back. 519 00:25:37,710 --> 00:25:40,590 Now, they recently made a documentary 520 00:25:40,590 --> 00:25:42,350 called The Truffle Hunters, 521 00:25:42,350 --> 00:25:45,590 which examined Italy's relationship with food. 522 00:25:45,590 --> 00:25:49,830 And it's just about the most beautiful, mouth-watering thing 523 00:25:49,830 --> 00:25:51,710 you have ever seen. 524 00:25:51,710 --> 00:25:54,590 OPERA MUSIC PLAYS 525 00:26:08,630 --> 00:26:11,590 Right. So, that's the Italians. 526 00:26:11,590 --> 00:26:15,470 Now let's look at a programme about Britain's relationship with food. 527 00:26:15,470 --> 00:26:17,070 Right. LAUGHTER 528 00:26:17,070 --> 00:26:18,550 This is the gravy burger, yeah. 529 00:26:18,550 --> 00:26:20,990 There's a lot of gravy to be made, isn't there? 530 00:26:20,990 --> 00:26:24,710 So if you don't get in front, you're proper playing catch up. 531 00:26:24,710 --> 00:26:27,470 I'm not gonna run out. 532 00:26:27,470 --> 00:26:29,830 I'm hopeful that I'm not going to run out. 533 00:26:29,830 --> 00:26:32,870 LAUGHTER 534 00:26:32,870 --> 00:26:35,150 It's like a little saucer, I feel posh. 535 00:26:35,150 --> 00:26:37,350 LAUGHTER I couldn't wait for gravy. 536 00:26:37,350 --> 00:26:39,510 So, let's just analyse that. 537 00:26:39,510 --> 00:26:43,430 KFC, Colonel Sanders' secret recipe, shall we? 538 00:26:43,430 --> 00:26:47,950 Mix the lard and the chemical matter until it looks like slurry, 539 00:26:47,950 --> 00:26:51,910 pop it in the microwave, and then serve it in a plastic sample pot 540 00:26:51,910 --> 00:26:56,270 to a woman in a Ford B-MAX who says it makes her feel posh. 541 00:26:56,270 --> 00:26:58,030 LAUGHTER 542 00:26:58,030 --> 00:26:59,990 I think that clearly demonstrates 543 00:26:59,990 --> 00:27:03,270 that we don't know much about food in this country. 544 00:27:03,270 --> 00:27:07,510 And yet we have this weird thing where every single person 545 00:27:07,510 --> 00:27:09,750 who's given something to eat on television 546 00:27:09,750 --> 00:27:12,390 always, always, always 547 00:27:12,390 --> 00:27:14,950 takes a moment, masticates 548 00:27:14,950 --> 00:27:17,110 and then says... 549 00:27:17,110 --> 00:27:20,430 "Mmm." LAUGHTER 550 00:27:20,430 --> 00:27:22,390 It's hot and gorgeous. 551 00:27:22,390 --> 00:27:24,670 They're filling, aren't they? Mmm. 552 00:27:24,670 --> 00:27:26,430 LAUGHTER 553 00:27:26,430 --> 00:27:28,030 Mmm. 554 00:27:31,030 --> 00:27:32,910 Mmm! LAUGHTER 555 00:27:32,910 --> 00:27:36,550 And it's not just Matt, because when I say everyone does it, 556 00:27:36,550 --> 00:27:39,630 I do mean EVERYONE. 557 00:27:39,630 --> 00:27:42,830 Mmm... Mmm... Mmm, God. 558 00:27:42,830 --> 00:27:44,590 Mmm. 559 00:27:44,590 --> 00:27:46,230 Mmm. Mmm. 560 00:27:46,230 --> 00:27:48,870 Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. 561 00:27:48,870 --> 00:27:50,710 Mmm. Mmm. 562 00:27:50,710 --> 00:27:51,990 Mmm... LAUGHTER 563 00:27:51,990 --> 00:27:53,710 Mmm. Mmm. 564 00:27:53,710 --> 00:27:55,670 Mmm. 565 00:27:55,670 --> 00:27:58,590 Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. That is delicious. 566 00:27:58,590 --> 00:28:01,910 Of course, the only time you're not allowed to make that noise 567 00:28:01,910 --> 00:28:05,470 is when you're trying your own food, Jamie. 568 00:28:07,070 --> 00:28:12,190 Mmm. 569 00:28:13,510 --> 00:28:15,550 Mmm. LAUGHTER 570 00:28:15,550 --> 00:28:17,230 Mmm. 571 00:28:18,470 --> 00:28:19,950 Mmm! 572 00:28:19,950 --> 00:28:22,630 Mmm-mmm. 573 00:28:22,630 --> 00:28:24,070 LAUGHTER 574 00:28:24,070 --> 00:28:28,310 But surely, you're thinking nobody is going to say, "Mmm", 575 00:28:28,310 --> 00:28:30,470 when they fill their mouths 576 00:28:30,470 --> 00:28:33,510 with a bit of Colonel Sanders' brown ejaculate. 577 00:28:33,510 --> 00:28:35,150 LAUGHTER, AUDIENCE GROAN 578 00:28:35,150 --> 00:28:36,510 Let's find out, shall we? 579 00:28:41,990 --> 00:28:44,590 Mmm. LAUGHTER 580 00:28:44,590 --> 00:28:48,430 I think that was probably an "Mmm..." 581 00:28:48,430 --> 00:28:50,190 as in heart... 582 00:28:50,190 --> 00:28:52,350 mmm-murmur. 583 00:28:52,350 --> 00:28:54,310 LAUGHTER 584 00:28:54,310 --> 00:28:57,030 Mmm-medical emergency. LAUGHTER 585 00:28:57,030 --> 00:28:58,990 Or the kid in the back. 586 00:28:58,990 --> 00:29:01,470 Mmm-Mum's dead. 587 00:29:01,470 --> 00:29:03,710 LAUGHTER 588 00:29:03,710 --> 00:29:07,310 Would anyone like to see what KFC's gravy burger 589 00:29:07,310 --> 00:29:10,350 looks like in real life? AUDIENCE: Yeah. 590 00:29:10,350 --> 00:29:13,110 Well, luckily, a man on the internet called Burger Lad... 591 00:29:13,110 --> 00:29:14,870 I don't think that's his real name. 592 00:29:14,870 --> 00:29:16,550 LAUGHTER ..took a photograph 593 00:29:16,550 --> 00:29:17,990 of the one he was served. 594 00:29:17,990 --> 00:29:21,030 LAUGHTER, AUDIENCE GROANS 595 00:29:21,030 --> 00:29:23,230 Apparently, it's known as the Havers. 596 00:29:23,230 --> 00:29:25,390 LAUGHTER 597 00:29:25,390 --> 00:29:27,990 Actually, that'll be Nigel's next job, clearing that up. 598 00:29:27,990 --> 00:29:29,190 LAUGHTER 599 00:29:29,190 --> 00:29:31,790 Now, it's probably worth, at this point, 600 00:29:31,790 --> 00:29:34,830 watching some Italians in the Truffle Hunters movie 601 00:29:34,830 --> 00:29:37,830 savouring their food nasally. 602 00:29:37,830 --> 00:29:42,510 THEY SNIFF, SERENE OPERATIC MUSIC 603 00:29:47,990 --> 00:29:50,830 Let's compare and contrast that to what happens 604 00:29:50,830 --> 00:29:54,670 when people on Gordon Ramsay's 24 Hours To Hell And Back 605 00:29:54,670 --> 00:29:56,190 use their noses. 606 00:29:56,190 --> 00:29:58,550 Can you smell that? 607 00:29:58,550 --> 00:30:00,150 Yeah, I can smell it from here. 608 00:30:00,150 --> 00:30:03,310 Smell that. It's starting to turn. No, that's not good. 609 00:30:03,310 --> 00:30:06,270 My God. Now, just smell that. 610 00:30:09,270 --> 00:30:11,110 Oh, God! Yeah. 611 00:30:11,110 --> 00:30:14,830 HE COUGHS AND RETCHES, AUDIENCE GROANS AND LAUGHS 612 00:30:16,030 --> 00:30:17,750 Oh, my God! 613 00:30:17,750 --> 00:30:20,630 And the Oscar for best fake vomiting. 614 00:30:20,630 --> 00:30:22,230 The nominations are... 615 00:30:22,230 --> 00:30:25,750 Gordon Ramsay and Gordon Ramsay's second cameraman. 616 00:30:25,750 --> 00:30:27,910 LAUGHTER 617 00:30:27,910 --> 00:30:31,190 The other extraordinary thing is the amount of shouting going on there. 618 00:30:31,190 --> 00:30:33,590 They were even louder than Chris Tarrant. 619 00:30:33,590 --> 00:30:36,590 The inventive engineer and his team physically hauled the church, 620 00:30:36,590 --> 00:30:40,030 which weighed 9,000 tonnes, along this path, 621 00:30:40,030 --> 00:30:41,750 across this extremely busy road, 622 00:30:41,750 --> 00:30:44,350 which wasn't even built at the time, 623 00:30:44,350 --> 00:30:46,990 past these blocks of flats... LAUGHTER 624 00:30:46,990 --> 00:30:49,230 ..and into this small park, where, as you can see, 625 00:30:49,230 --> 00:30:50,670 it still stands today! 626 00:30:50,670 --> 00:30:52,670 LAUGHTER 627 00:30:52,670 --> 00:30:54,870 Does he not know how microphones work? 628 00:30:54,870 --> 00:30:57,830 LAUGHTER Imagine him doing Springwatch. 629 00:30:57,830 --> 00:31:01,390 HE SHOUTS: "Look, a rabbit! See! Is that a badger?! 630 00:31:01,390 --> 00:31:05,350 "It's running away, for some reason!" 631 00:31:05,350 --> 00:31:09,110 And it turns out it's not just Gordon Ramsay and Chris Tarrant. 632 00:31:09,110 --> 00:31:11,670 The milk's good! I knew it! LAUGHTER 633 00:31:11,670 --> 00:31:14,310 The milk's good, you can unload! So, they're ready for harvest?! 634 00:31:14,310 --> 00:31:15,510 They're ready for harvest. 635 00:31:15,510 --> 00:31:17,350 Billions and billions of bacteria! Yeah. 636 00:31:17,350 --> 00:31:18,630 No way! 637 00:31:18,630 --> 00:31:20,670 My apples can go and make cider! 638 00:31:20,670 --> 00:31:24,390 Gregg Wallace there, screaming like an angry testicle... 639 00:31:24,390 --> 00:31:27,110 LAUGHTER ..over the deafening roar 640 00:31:27,110 --> 00:31:28,950 of apples growing. 641 00:31:28,950 --> 00:31:30,790 And that's all we've got time for, I'm afraid. 642 00:31:30,790 --> 00:31:32,790 So, until next time, take care... 643 00:31:32,790 --> 00:31:35,390 HE YELLS: Good night! LAUGHTER 644 00:31:35,390 --> 00:31:37,110 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 645 00:31:37,110 --> 00:31:39,150 Subtitles by accessibility@itv.com 645 00:31:40,305 --> 00:32:40,388