"It's Clarkson on TV" Special

1 00:00:06,000 --> 00:00:12,074 -== [ www.OpenSubtitles.org ] ==- 2 00:00:21,110 --> 00:00:25,190 Hello, and welcome to It's Clarkson On TV. 3 00:00:25,190 --> 00:00:27,350 Now, if you're anything like me, 4 00:00:27,350 --> 00:00:29,670 you'll have had to sign up for thousands of services 5 00:00:29,670 --> 00:00:32,870 just to watch all the things you want to see on TV. 6 00:00:32,870 --> 00:00:35,950 Obviously, there's the BBC TV licence, 7 00:00:35,950 --> 00:00:40,590 which is £53 for black and white, but - call me reckless - 8 00:00:40,590 --> 00:00:43,510 I decided to splash out. 9 00:00:43,510 --> 00:00:45,790 I went for colour. 10 00:00:45,790 --> 00:00:48,910 £157.50. 11 00:00:48,910 --> 00:00:51,950 And that was just the start, cos then there's Netflix, 12 00:00:51,950 --> 00:00:53,990 and Amazon, and BT Sport, 13 00:00:53,990 --> 00:00:56,990 and Sky, and Sky Movies, and Sky Sports, 14 00:00:56,990 --> 00:00:59,190 and PornHub Premium. 15 00:00:59,190 --> 00:01:04,750 And all of this is costing me £137 a month. 16 00:01:04,750 --> 00:01:07,430 That's why I'm doing this show reviewing TV, 17 00:01:07,430 --> 00:01:10,470 so I can claim it back against tax. 18 00:01:10,470 --> 00:01:14,430 However, I then realised I'd completely forgotten 19 00:01:14,430 --> 00:01:16,950 to subscribe to Icelandic television, 20 00:01:16,950 --> 00:01:19,110 which meant I wasn't able to see 21 00:01:19,110 --> 00:01:22,750 this hilariously bad-tempered man storming off a quiz show. 22 00:01:54,110 --> 00:01:56,310 He was brilliant, wasn't he? 23 00:01:56,310 --> 00:01:58,230 The other thing I wasn't able to watch, 24 00:01:58,230 --> 00:02:01,550 because I wasn't spending £7.99 a month on Disney+, 25 00:02:01,550 --> 00:02:04,630 was the much talked-about Mandalorian, 26 00:02:04,630 --> 00:02:07,910 which, so far as I can tell, is a marketing exercise 27 00:02:07,910 --> 00:02:12,630 designed to make you spend a further £21 on a small green doll. 28 00:02:13,990 --> 00:02:17,390 I'm gonna start the landing cycle, you'd better get back in your seat. 29 00:02:27,710 --> 00:02:32,430 Hey, what did I tell you? Back in your seat. 30 00:02:32,430 --> 00:02:36,030 Because so many people were talking about this, however, 31 00:02:36,030 --> 00:02:39,030 I eventually signed up, and I wish I hadn't. 32 00:02:39,030 --> 00:02:42,870 Because I'm sorry, but a bloke in a costume trying to look after his kid 33 00:02:42,870 --> 00:02:46,710 has a bit of a Fathers 4 Justice vibe. 34 00:02:48,150 --> 00:02:50,790 I genuinely don't get it. It's just a guy in a mask! 35 00:02:50,790 --> 00:02:52,990 He might be doing amazing things in there, 36 00:02:52,990 --> 00:02:55,270 but what's the point, when we can't see his face? 37 00:02:55,270 --> 00:02:57,750 It'd be like putting James Bond in a wheelie bin! 38 00:02:57,750 --> 00:03:00,750 Is he happy? Is he sad? Is he aroused? We don't know. 39 00:03:02,390 --> 00:03:05,350 And this, of course, brings me onto The Masked Singer, 40 00:03:05,350 --> 00:03:09,310 the show where someone comes on in a silly costume and sings, 41 00:03:09,310 --> 00:03:11,510 and then you have to guess who it is. 42 00:03:11,510 --> 00:03:13,230 Now, the problem I have with this show 43 00:03:13,230 --> 00:03:17,470 is that the person in the sausage and chips outfit could be anyone. 44 00:03:17,470 --> 00:03:20,470 Could be Moira Stuart, could be Sebastian Coe, 45 00:03:20,470 --> 00:03:22,510 could be my postman. 46 00:03:22,510 --> 00:03:25,310 And even if it does eventually turn out to be a postman, 47 00:03:25,310 --> 00:03:29,190 the panel of judges always goes berserk. 48 00:03:29,190 --> 00:03:34,110 ALL CHANT: Take it off, take it off, take it off, take it off! 49 00:03:37,310 --> 00:03:39,030 # Who's that behind the mask? # 50 00:03:39,030 --> 00:03:42,030 It's Glenn Hoddle! Yes, it's Glenn Hoddle, everybody! 51 00:03:42,030 --> 00:03:44,470 It's only Glenn Hoddle! 52 00:03:44,470 --> 00:03:48,710 England manager, player... Oh, my God! 53 00:03:50,270 --> 00:03:53,110 Why were you reacting like that to Glenn Hoddle? 54 00:03:53,110 --> 00:03:55,790 You've gone too big too soon. 55 00:03:55,790 --> 00:03:58,990 Cos what if, next week, it's Barack Obama? 56 00:04:00,630 --> 00:04:03,190 It's Barack Obama! 57 00:04:03,190 --> 00:04:06,190 Or UN weapons inspector Hans Blix? 58 00:04:07,950 --> 00:04:11,230 I would actually quite like to see him on Masked Singer. 59 00:04:11,230 --> 00:04:14,190 Anyway, inspired by The Masked Singer, 60 00:04:14,190 --> 00:04:16,870 this is what I've been hearing in my head 61 00:04:16,870 --> 00:04:19,390 when I was watching The Mandalorian. 62 00:04:19,390 --> 00:04:22,030 "Is it Glenn Hoddle? Is it Hans Blix?" 63 00:04:22,030 --> 00:04:24,710 Who's behind the mask? 64 00:04:24,710 --> 00:04:27,590 Take it off, take it off, take it off, take it off.... 65 00:04:27,590 --> 00:04:30,350 Take it off, take it off, take it off, take it off... 66 00:04:38,550 --> 00:04:40,990 Who are you? 67 00:04:40,990 --> 00:04:43,030 Come on! 68 00:04:43,030 --> 00:04:45,030 Who is it? 69 00:04:45,030 --> 00:04:46,910 He'll have to take it off eventually, 70 00:04:46,910 --> 00:04:49,990 especially if he wants to go into the Post Office. 71 00:04:49,990 --> 00:04:52,510 There's a sign on the door. 72 00:04:52,510 --> 00:04:54,510 And when he does take it off, you'll all go, 73 00:04:54,510 --> 00:04:56,270 "Oh, look, it's that guy from Narcos, 74 00:04:56,270 --> 00:04:59,230 "the one who did the clever sword dancing thing 75 00:04:59,230 --> 00:05:02,830 "in Game Of Thrones. He's brilliant. What a waste." 76 00:05:04,270 --> 00:05:07,230 Anyway, while I haven't really been enjoying watching 77 00:05:07,230 --> 00:05:09,230 a man with a bucket on his head, 78 00:05:09,230 --> 00:05:12,150 the big American drama I HAVE been glued to 79 00:05:12,150 --> 00:05:14,510 is Yellowstone on Amazon Prime, 80 00:05:14,510 --> 00:05:17,630 which is primarily an excuse for Kevin Costner 81 00:05:17,630 --> 00:05:21,510 to stare into the middle distance while saying something profound. 82 00:05:22,910 --> 00:05:24,950 When you know it's coming, 83 00:05:24,950 --> 00:05:28,230 tomorrow stops factoring into your decisions, 84 00:05:28,230 --> 00:05:30,590 cos you know you're never gonna see it. 85 00:05:33,310 --> 00:05:36,230 And then you... 86 00:05:36,230 --> 00:05:38,030 ..then you live. 87 00:05:38,030 --> 00:05:41,310 But Dad, I just said I was going into town and did you want anything? 88 00:05:43,270 --> 00:05:47,270 And I know the writers wanted Kevin to seem full of wisdom, 89 00:05:47,270 --> 00:05:51,230 but he just sounds like he's reading out inspirational quotes 90 00:05:51,230 --> 00:05:53,750 he's seen on Instagram. m 91 00:05:53,750 --> 00:05:58,390 All the angels are gone, son. There's only devils left. 92 00:05:58,390 --> 00:05:59,870 Well, the whole world's a test, son. 93 00:05:59,870 --> 00:06:02,070 Don't ever let it trick you into thinkin' different. 94 00:06:02,070 --> 00:06:04,950 Every man needs a dream, Dan, but... 95 00:06:04,950 --> 00:06:07,150 dreams take courage. 96 00:06:07,150 --> 00:06:09,910 I'll show you, genuinely, how they wrote this show. 97 00:06:09,910 --> 00:06:12,350 I've got my phone out while you were watching that, OK? 98 00:06:12,350 --> 00:06:15,030 And this is inspirational quotes on Instagram. 99 00:06:15,030 --> 00:06:17,470 I'm gonna not cheat, I'll just go along randomly. 100 00:06:17,470 --> 00:06:19,470 There's one. Ready? 101 00:06:21,190 --> 00:06:24,270 GRAVELLY VOICE: "A seed grows with no sound..." 102 00:06:24,270 --> 00:06:26,710 "but a tree falls with huge noise." 103 00:06:33,190 --> 00:06:37,670 "Destruction has noise, but creation is quiet." 104 00:06:43,990 --> 00:06:46,510 "If you don't like where you are... 105 00:06:46,510 --> 00:06:48,310 "move." 106 00:06:55,030 --> 00:06:59,270 Anyway, tragically, we must now move on... 107 00:06:59,270 --> 00:07:01,790 to Nigel Havers. 108 00:07:01,790 --> 00:07:05,190 He's a national treasure. Nobody hates him, 109 00:07:05,190 --> 00:07:08,630 apart from his agent, who, so far as I can tell, 110 00:07:08,630 --> 00:07:12,870 only ever gets him jobs that are humiliating and terrible. 111 00:07:12,870 --> 00:07:15,270 I mean, check out this scene 112 00:07:15,270 --> 00:07:19,230 that he was given in the ITV drama Finding Alice. 113 00:07:19,230 --> 00:07:23,190 Oh, no. It's a runny one. 114 00:07:23,190 --> 00:07:27,110 Oh. Oh, Dudley. Just get out of the way, would you? 115 00:07:27,110 --> 00:07:29,750 DOG WHINES 116 00:07:29,750 --> 00:07:32,030 Oh! Ah.... 117 00:07:32,030 --> 00:07:33,510 Have you got any wet wipes? 118 00:07:33,510 --> 00:07:36,470 No, they're bad. They make fatbergs. 119 00:07:36,470 --> 00:07:37,990 Ugh... 120 00:07:37,990 --> 00:07:41,750 Imagine Kevin Costner doing that. 121 00:07:43,950 --> 00:07:49,070 "Son, you only get out of a dog what you put in." 122 00:07:52,910 --> 00:07:57,150 But Nigel must have dreamed, after picking up the faeces, 123 00:07:57,150 --> 00:08:01,390 that his next job would be in The Night Manager, in Majorca, 124 00:08:01,390 --> 00:08:04,430 as the love interest of Elizabeth Debicki. 125 00:08:04,430 --> 00:08:07,710 Afraid not. Instead, his agent called to say, 126 00:08:07,710 --> 00:08:10,510 "Nige, we have got a great little gig, 127 00:08:10,510 --> 00:08:14,870 "where you go to a luxury hotel... and you work there." 128 00:08:17,550 --> 00:08:19,270 Does this all belong to one person? 129 00:08:19,270 --> 00:08:22,030 Yes, and we need to get these up as quickly as possible. 130 00:08:22,030 --> 00:08:24,230 Mr Havers. Yes. You will be making beds now. 131 00:08:24,230 --> 00:08:27,190 Oh, great. I'll introduce you, then, to Vaida... 132 00:08:27,190 --> 00:08:29,190 Oh, hello, Vaida. 133 00:08:29,190 --> 00:08:32,070 ..who will help you to make beds. Very nice to meet you. 134 00:08:32,070 --> 00:08:34,230 But I'm expecting you to make a bed. 135 00:08:34,230 --> 00:08:36,590 OK. So, I leave you for now. Right. 136 00:08:36,590 --> 00:08:38,830 And I'll come back later. OK. Thank you very much. 137 00:08:38,830 --> 00:08:41,150 After this, though, things looked up. 138 00:08:41,150 --> 00:08:43,350 They sent him off in the summer 139 00:08:43,350 --> 00:08:46,470 to go punting on a river and drive a sports car. 140 00:08:46,470 --> 00:08:48,990 There are three iconic buildings in Cambridge, 141 00:08:48,990 --> 00:08:52,390 but this is probably the most iconic. King's College. 142 00:08:58,550 --> 00:09:01,670 This is what you call motoring. 143 00:09:02,830 --> 00:09:04,710 Now, that all looks great, 144 00:09:04,710 --> 00:09:07,230 but it was right in the middle of the pandemic. 145 00:09:08,670 --> 00:09:10,870 Everyone else was at home, but not Havers. 146 00:09:10,870 --> 00:09:13,190 Even though he was nearly 70, 147 00:09:13,190 --> 00:09:17,430 he was made to go outside and ingest COVID for a month! 148 00:09:17,430 --> 00:09:19,870 Mind you, that was nothing 149 00:09:19,870 --> 00:09:22,950 compared to what his evil agent came up with next. 150 00:09:22,950 --> 00:09:26,510 A show called The Bidding Room. 151 00:09:28,070 --> 00:09:30,350 Wouldn't it be great if there was a place 152 00:09:30,350 --> 00:09:32,750 where you could bring all your interesting objects, 153 00:09:32,750 --> 00:09:35,750 have them valued, and then sell them? 154 00:09:35,750 --> 00:09:38,030 Hang on... There is! 155 00:09:38,030 --> 00:09:40,950 Yes, Nigel, eBay. 156 00:09:40,950 --> 00:09:44,110 The poor man was being made to take on 157 00:09:44,110 --> 00:09:46,950 a multi-billion dollar tech giant, 158 00:09:46,950 --> 00:09:50,070 armed only with a blazer, a winning smile, 159 00:09:50,070 --> 00:09:53,550 a cast of weirdos and some delusional punters, 160 00:09:53,550 --> 00:09:55,510 who arrive at the studio 161 00:09:55,510 --> 00:09:58,310 looking like they've just come from a fight at a wedding. 162 00:09:58,310 --> 00:10:02,390 Wow, OK. How long have you had this object for? 163 00:10:02,390 --> 00:10:04,350 Since I was a child. 164 00:10:04,350 --> 00:10:06,030 It's made of brass. Is it brass? 165 00:10:06,030 --> 00:10:07,910 It could be brass, it could be bronze. 166 00:10:07,910 --> 00:10:10,830 And what would you do with the money if you did sell it? 167 00:10:10,830 --> 00:10:14,310 A mortgage. 168 00:10:14,310 --> 00:10:19,070 So, this man believes that he will be able to pay off his mortgage 169 00:10:19,070 --> 00:10:22,110 by selling that hideous brass ornament 170 00:10:22,110 --> 00:10:24,750 to one of the panel of antique experts. 171 00:10:24,750 --> 00:10:27,230 So, let's see how he gets on. 172 00:10:27,230 --> 00:10:30,150 I'm out, but thanks. Ta. 173 00:10:30,150 --> 00:10:33,510 £25. £30. 174 00:10:33,510 --> 00:10:35,710 That is very far from a mortgage. 175 00:10:35,710 --> 00:10:39,430 All right, I'm back in, then. £35. Wow! 176 00:10:39,430 --> 00:10:43,190 I don't want to go any higher, but I'll offer you £40. Right. 177 00:10:44,230 --> 00:10:47,550 Well, that should be enough to get him on the ladder (!) 178 00:10:47,550 --> 00:10:49,790 Not the property ladder, just a stepladder. 179 00:10:49,790 --> 00:10:52,470 But then it turned out... No! 180 00:10:52,470 --> 00:10:56,150 OK, so, everybody else is out. What were you hoping to get for it? 181 00:10:56,150 --> 00:10:58,510 I was talking about thousands. 182 00:10:58,510 --> 00:11:00,070 Thousands? Yeah. 183 00:11:00,070 --> 00:11:04,470 Thousands? Yeah, because I thought it was very old, that's why. 184 00:11:04,470 --> 00:11:07,950 And old means, you know, value. 185 00:11:07,950 --> 00:11:10,790 As we're that far away, I'm just gonna withdraw my bid 186 00:11:10,790 --> 00:11:12,070 and say I'm out. 187 00:11:12,070 --> 00:11:15,270 That is not how an auction works, big boy. 188 00:11:15,270 --> 00:11:17,470 You can't put your hand up and then say, 189 00:11:17,470 --> 00:11:19,390 "Oh, no, I didn't mean it". 190 00:11:19,390 --> 00:11:21,670 Honestly, it's like the makers of that programme 191 00:11:21,670 --> 00:11:25,750 just saw a photograph of an auction and then guessed what was going on. 192 00:11:27,630 --> 00:11:29,470 I mean, look what happened in this next clip 193 00:11:29,470 --> 00:11:32,270 when someone turned up to sell them a shit plate. 194 00:11:34,430 --> 00:11:37,510 The Clarice Cliff pottery plate is a reproduction, 195 00:11:37,510 --> 00:11:40,270 and valued between £5 and £20. 196 00:11:40,270 --> 00:11:43,510 So, can Keeley persuade any of the dealers to buy? 197 00:11:43,510 --> 00:11:46,750 Unfortunately, I don't buy plates. 198 00:11:46,750 --> 00:11:48,950 What, ever? 199 00:11:48,950 --> 00:11:51,870 What do you eat off, the carpet? 200 00:11:51,870 --> 00:11:53,910 Anyway, I digress. 201 00:11:53,910 --> 00:11:59,030 So, let's get back to the producer's weird idea of what an auction is. 202 00:11:59,030 --> 00:12:00,710 Will you accept £20? 203 00:12:00,710 --> 00:12:02,910 Can you go higher? Cos it is really nice. 204 00:12:02,910 --> 00:12:05,830 I wouldn't pay more than £20 for a plate to put my toast on. 205 00:12:05,830 --> 00:12:09,390 Not 25? Not even 25? I'm very happy to pay £20 for it. 206 00:12:09,390 --> 00:12:12,310 Lucy, if you give her the 20, I'll give you the five. Thank you. 207 00:12:12,310 --> 00:12:14,710 Thank you, Moses, that's great, and we can share it. 208 00:12:14,710 --> 00:12:16,910 Yes. Well, I don't know about that. It's all yours. 209 00:12:16,910 --> 00:12:18,030 Aw. 210 00:12:18,030 --> 00:12:20,510 Let me just see if I've got this straight. 211 00:12:20,510 --> 00:12:24,950 If he sees someone buying tomatoes for a quid in a shop... 212 00:12:24,950 --> 00:12:28,830 Does he then give the shopkeeper an extra 50p to not have them? 213 00:12:30,310 --> 00:12:33,310 Cos I'm not gonna adopt that policy on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire. 214 00:12:33,310 --> 00:12:37,630 "You've won £32,000, so here's an extra grand from me." 215 00:12:37,630 --> 00:12:40,190 Right, let's take a break, 216 00:12:40,190 --> 00:12:42,590 where, undoubtedly, there will be an advert 217 00:12:42,590 --> 00:12:45,950 in which Nigel Havers is made to eat a urinal cake. 218 00:12:59,700 --> 00:13:01,740 Thank you. Welcome back. 219 00:13:01,740 --> 00:13:04,900 Now, I wanna talk about another national treasure. 220 00:13:04,900 --> 00:13:08,180 The comfortably-trousered Monty Don. 221 00:13:08,180 --> 00:13:11,700 A really important factor in why this looks so good 222 00:13:11,700 --> 00:13:16,660 is the soil, because it's very shallow and poor. 223 00:13:16,660 --> 00:13:20,620 And that means that all these plants are growing hard. 224 00:13:20,620 --> 00:13:23,660 They're nice and upright and strong, 225 00:13:23,660 --> 00:13:26,620 whereas if they were in lush, rich soil, 226 00:13:26,620 --> 00:13:29,540 they would be softer, and when the wind and the rain came 227 00:13:29,540 --> 00:13:31,780 it would smash them down. 228 00:13:31,780 --> 00:13:35,700 And this lovely, textured tapestry 229 00:13:35,700 --> 00:13:39,380 is dependent upon the toughness of the plants. 230 00:13:39,380 --> 00:13:44,100 Brilliant. A gardener telling us, with great authority and eloquence, 231 00:13:44,100 --> 00:13:46,540 about gardening. 232 00:13:46,540 --> 00:13:50,380 But a rare thing on television these days, because in recent years, 233 00:13:50,380 --> 00:13:53,740 the trend is for getting random celebrities 234 00:13:53,740 --> 00:13:57,780 to front shows on subjects about which they know nothing. 235 00:13:57,780 --> 00:14:02,020 So, you get a midwifing show hosted by a model. 236 00:14:02,020 --> 00:14:05,980 A property show presented by a footballer. 237 00:14:05,980 --> 00:14:09,100 A cookery show fronted by a car show presenter... 238 00:14:10,340 --> 00:14:12,660 And a car show hosted by a cricketer. 239 00:14:12,660 --> 00:14:15,900 And so, against this backdrop, 240 00:14:15,900 --> 00:14:18,900 who better to host a hard-hitting, insightful documentary 241 00:14:18,900 --> 00:14:22,740 about the catastrophic nuclear meltdown at Chernobyl 242 00:14:22,740 --> 00:14:25,820 than former Crufts presenter Ben Fogle? 243 00:14:25,820 --> 00:14:28,460 35 years ago, nuclear disaster 244 00:14:28,460 --> 00:14:31,820 rocked Chernobyl and the world. 245 00:14:31,820 --> 00:14:37,140 Now I have unprecedented access to the most radioactive place on Earth. 246 00:14:39,020 --> 00:14:41,180 Unprecedented access? 247 00:14:41,180 --> 00:14:44,020 Not really, Ben. I was there seven years before you, look. 248 00:14:44,020 --> 00:14:46,820 Richard Hammond was there in '86, 249 00:14:46,820 --> 00:14:50,580 for a show called When Pushing Buttons Goes Wrong. 250 00:14:52,740 --> 00:14:54,460 Anyway, this whole business 251 00:14:54,460 --> 00:14:58,700 of getting people to host shows for which they have no qualification 252 00:14:58,700 --> 00:15:01,020 has now got so out of hand 253 00:15:01,020 --> 00:15:05,500 that when they needed to get two beluga whales from China to Iceland, 254 00:15:05,500 --> 00:15:07,700 who do you think they called? 255 00:15:07,700 --> 00:15:09,620 I'm here because we're gonna try 256 00:15:09,620 --> 00:15:12,220 and bring two captive beluga whales from China 257 00:15:12,220 --> 00:15:17,580 all the way here, to the world's first ever beluga whale sanctuary. 258 00:15:17,580 --> 00:15:20,100 Nobody has ever tried to do this before. 259 00:15:20,100 --> 00:15:22,500 BELUGA WHALE SQUEAKS Yeah. Yeah. 260 00:15:22,500 --> 00:15:24,420 I mean, what could possibly go wrong? 261 00:15:25,740 --> 00:15:28,340 That's right. A Liverpudlian comedian. 262 00:15:28,340 --> 00:15:30,860 I mean, if I was booking a host for that show, 263 00:15:30,860 --> 00:15:33,060 I'd have got to John Bishop in the end, 264 00:15:33,060 --> 00:15:34,580 but only after I'd thought of 265 00:15:34,580 --> 00:15:36,860 literally everyone else in the world. 266 00:15:36,860 --> 00:15:38,580 Ban Ki-moon... 267 00:15:38,580 --> 00:15:41,260 Morten Harket from A-ha... 268 00:15:41,260 --> 00:15:44,820 Former West Ham midfielder Nigel Reo-Coker... 269 00:15:44,820 --> 00:15:46,620 Everybody. 270 00:15:46,620 --> 00:15:51,300 Still, as John said in that clip, what could possibly go wrong? 271 00:15:51,300 --> 00:15:56,220 Two female beluga whales, Little Grey and Little White, 272 00:15:56,220 --> 00:16:01,100 have been captive in a Chinese pool for nearly ten years. 273 00:16:01,100 --> 00:16:04,180 Well, that's one thing that's going to go wrong. 274 00:16:04,180 --> 00:16:07,180 They're two females. 275 00:16:07,180 --> 00:16:10,180 So the breeding programme will be a disaster. But what do I know? 276 00:16:10,180 --> 00:16:13,460 I'm just a military historian and farmer. 277 00:16:14,980 --> 00:16:18,660 Oh, and I should say this wrong host business isn't just a British thing. 278 00:16:18,660 --> 00:16:20,660 They've got the same problem in America. 279 00:16:20,660 --> 00:16:23,580 On Netflix, they have a new show about glass-making 280 00:16:23,580 --> 00:16:25,340 called Blown Away. 281 00:16:25,340 --> 00:16:28,020 Fascinating subject, with much to be learned. 282 00:16:28,020 --> 00:16:30,020 So, who did they get to host it? 283 00:16:30,020 --> 00:16:33,900 Yes, absolutely right, an inline skater called Nick Uhas, 284 00:16:33,900 --> 00:16:38,260 who really didn't have any kind of handle on the subject at all. 285 00:16:39,780 --> 00:16:42,940 What, exactly, is glass? 286 00:16:42,940 --> 00:16:46,660 So, what is glass? 287 00:16:46,660 --> 00:16:49,140 Anyway, moving on. 288 00:16:49,140 --> 00:16:53,020 What if you were making a show that solves disputes about pets? 289 00:16:53,020 --> 00:16:55,500 Who would you hire for that? 290 00:16:55,500 --> 00:16:57,140 Yes, you're right again, 291 00:16:57,140 --> 00:17:00,900 the baddie from the 1991 surfer movie Point Break. 292 00:17:02,220 --> 00:17:06,020 Each year, across the country, there are thousands of pet disputes. 293 00:17:06,020 --> 00:17:08,860 Those who want their cases tried by the best 294 00:17:08,860 --> 00:17:13,540 know there's only one man they can turn to. And he is thirsty for... 295 00:17:13,540 --> 00:17:16,340 Pet justice! 296 00:17:16,340 --> 00:17:18,300 Come here, goat! 297 00:17:19,940 --> 00:17:21,660 I can really swim... 298 00:17:21,660 --> 00:17:24,500 Ah! Ooh! Yeah! 299 00:17:25,700 --> 00:17:27,340 That make sense? 300 00:17:27,340 --> 00:17:31,260 No, Gary Busey. Yeah! 301 00:17:34,180 --> 00:17:37,100 Yes, children, that's what cocaine looks like. 302 00:17:39,060 --> 00:17:42,300 Now, I've actually nicked the system television executives use 303 00:17:42,300 --> 00:17:44,660 to make this kind of show these days. 304 00:17:44,660 --> 00:17:46,900 What they have is a bag of darts 305 00:17:46,900 --> 00:17:50,060 with celebrities' names on them, OK? 306 00:17:50,060 --> 00:17:51,660 And then, two dartboards. 307 00:17:51,660 --> 00:17:54,980 On the left, it's where the celebrity will be going, 308 00:17:54,980 --> 00:17:58,220 and on the right, what they'll be doing when they get there. 309 00:17:58,220 --> 00:18:01,340 So, ready? This is genuinely how it all works. 310 00:18:01,340 --> 00:18:04,100 We'll pop one out here. Who have we got? 311 00:18:04,100 --> 00:18:06,300 Nicholas Witchell, the BBC's Royal Correspondent. 312 00:18:06,300 --> 00:18:08,700 Let's find out where he's going. 313 00:18:08,700 --> 00:18:11,100 He's going "after dark". 314 00:18:11,100 --> 00:18:13,460 Let's find out what he's doing when he gets there. 315 00:18:13,460 --> 00:18:16,100 Oops! 316 00:18:16,100 --> 00:18:19,100 He was... I've been in pubs and people watch me playing darts, 317 00:18:19,100 --> 00:18:21,540 and go, "Oh, no, look, there's something wrong with him." 318 00:18:23,580 --> 00:18:26,260 Gyrocopting! 319 00:18:26,260 --> 00:18:30,060 Nicholas Witchell, after dark, gyrocopting. We haven't finished. 320 00:18:30,060 --> 00:18:32,820 We have not finished, ladies and gentlemen. 321 00:18:32,820 --> 00:18:35,500 That's just, we only have one show, so let's go here. 322 00:18:35,500 --> 00:18:37,540 Next one... Anthea Turner. 323 00:18:37,540 --> 00:18:39,740 Where is Anthea Turner going? 324 00:18:40,740 --> 00:18:42,660 Nowhere. 325 00:18:42,660 --> 00:18:45,100 Quite literally, Anthea. I'm sorry about that, 326 00:18:45,100 --> 00:18:47,700 but you are literally going - you're out of work. 327 00:18:47,700 --> 00:18:50,060 Oh, no, there we are. She's going to her nana's house. 328 00:18:52,220 --> 00:18:54,740 And when she's at her nana's house... 329 00:18:58,540 --> 00:19:01,940 Wait, wait, wait. Wait. 330 00:19:04,220 --> 00:19:06,460 I can't be that bad, I simply can't be. 331 00:19:06,460 --> 00:19:09,700 And yet, I am! 332 00:19:09,700 --> 00:19:11,020 We've gotta get it in, 333 00:19:11,020 --> 00:19:14,380 because television is waiting for this next huge show. 334 00:19:14,380 --> 00:19:16,700 Anthea Turner at her nana's house... 335 00:19:16,700 --> 00:19:20,100 Illegal forestry! 336 00:19:20,100 --> 00:19:21,900 So, here we are, we have a show. 337 00:19:21,900 --> 00:19:24,060 It's Anthea Turner, 338 00:19:24,060 --> 00:19:27,060 at her nana's house, doing illegal forestry! 339 00:19:27,060 --> 00:19:29,660 What do you think of that?! 340 00:19:29,660 --> 00:19:32,940 That is 180... 341 00:19:32,940 --> 00:19:34,580 viewers. 342 00:19:37,060 --> 00:19:39,820 My favourite example of this phenomenon 343 00:19:39,820 --> 00:19:42,900 is Interior Design Masters on BBC Two. 344 00:19:42,900 --> 00:19:45,420 Now, to make this Apprentice-style show, 345 00:19:45,420 --> 00:19:48,420 they found an expert - an Alan Sugar, if you will - 346 00:19:48,420 --> 00:19:50,820 then they found a Nick and some Margarets 347 00:19:50,820 --> 00:19:52,500 and some contestants. 348 00:19:52,500 --> 00:19:54,980 But then a TV exec said, 349 00:19:54,980 --> 00:19:58,020 "We need a celebrity to host this thing." 350 00:19:58,020 --> 00:20:00,620 And that was a problem. Who? 351 00:20:00,620 --> 00:20:02,940 They couldn't use Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen, 352 00:20:02,940 --> 00:20:05,660 cos he is actually an interior designer. 353 00:20:05,660 --> 00:20:09,700 Couldn't use Nigel Havers, cos he was in a wet market in Wuhan... 354 00:20:09,700 --> 00:20:11,620 ..adopting a pangolin. 355 00:20:11,620 --> 00:20:14,540 John Bishop was busy swimming back from China 356 00:20:14,540 --> 00:20:16,780 with a couple of dead whales under each arm. 357 00:20:18,220 --> 00:20:21,500 Kevin Costner was approached, and he wrote back saying, 358 00:20:21,500 --> 00:20:24,020 "You don't know how strong you are 359 00:20:24,020 --> 00:20:27,420 "until being strong's the only option you have." 360 00:20:29,580 --> 00:20:33,020 They couldn't really understand what he was on about, so in the end, 361 00:20:33,020 --> 00:20:35,180 they hired Alan Carr, 362 00:20:35,180 --> 00:20:37,500 who has to turn up at the end of every show, 363 00:20:37,500 --> 00:20:39,060 when the judging is happening, 364 00:20:39,060 --> 00:20:43,300 even though there is literally nothing for him to do. 365 00:20:48,140 --> 00:20:50,860 Staring immediately at a colleague all the time, 366 00:20:50,860 --> 00:20:52,300 that was my preference. 367 00:20:52,300 --> 00:20:54,900 Been a really tough decision this week. 368 00:20:54,900 --> 00:20:56,740 I'm sorry, Amy, it's you. 369 00:20:59,380 --> 00:21:02,980 Thank you very much for the opportunity. You're amazing. 370 00:21:02,980 --> 00:21:05,940 It's been lovely to show people what I can do. 371 00:21:07,060 --> 00:21:10,700 It is getting harder and harder to draw a line between these designers. 372 00:21:10,700 --> 00:21:13,580 It's really given me the confidence to do this, moving forwards, 373 00:21:13,580 --> 00:21:17,820 so thank you. It's been, it's been amazing. Thanks, Alan. 374 00:21:20,380 --> 00:21:23,100 He really is the hosting equivalent of a bay leaf. 375 00:21:24,380 --> 00:21:26,580 And that's not where his misery ends, 376 00:21:26,580 --> 00:21:28,780 because then, to promote the programme, 377 00:21:28,780 --> 00:21:32,540 they made him go on the endlessly dysfunctional One Show, 378 00:21:32,540 --> 00:21:36,780 where a former Miss India, on a screen from Los Angeles, 379 00:21:36,780 --> 00:21:40,180 thought that he was an actual interior designer. 380 00:21:40,180 --> 00:21:42,420 It was the, like, first time in about 15 years 381 00:21:42,420 --> 00:21:46,140 that I've spent time picking colours and cushions, 382 00:21:46,140 --> 00:21:48,580 and, you know, investing in my corner. 383 00:21:48,580 --> 00:21:51,380 So, I think what you do is such an integral part 384 00:21:51,380 --> 00:21:53,940 of most people's lives. 385 00:21:53,940 --> 00:21:55,060 So thank you, really. 386 00:21:55,060 --> 00:21:57,860 Is it - is it true that you... 387 00:22:01,780 --> 00:22:05,260 That show is so hopeless. 388 00:22:05,260 --> 00:22:07,540 It didn't even give Alan a chance 389 00:22:07,540 --> 00:22:10,460 to tell that deluded drivel enthusiast 390 00:22:10,460 --> 00:22:13,220 that he wasn't an interior designer. 391 00:22:13,220 --> 00:22:16,580 In fact, the only thing that annoys me on TV 392 00:22:16,580 --> 00:22:18,340 more than The One Show 393 00:22:18,340 --> 00:22:20,060 is the way the crowd at Wimbledon applaud 394 00:22:20,060 --> 00:22:23,900 when a pigeon lands on the pitch and then takes off again. 395 00:22:25,900 --> 00:22:28,620 The only time you hear less-deserved applause 396 00:22:28,620 --> 00:22:32,940 is when actors go on chat shows and do something ordinary, 397 00:22:32,940 --> 00:22:34,860 like, for example... 398 00:22:34,860 --> 00:22:37,660 putting on a hat and a pair of sunglasses. 399 00:22:37,660 --> 00:22:41,420 Anybody from... who knows Breaking Bad 400 00:22:41,420 --> 00:22:43,580 will recognise this thing. 401 00:22:43,580 --> 00:22:45,420 Wow. Oh, wow. Amazing. 402 00:22:45,420 --> 00:22:46,900 And my... And my glasses. 403 00:22:46,900 --> 00:22:49,100 Oh, wow. Oh... So, it's... 404 00:22:49,100 --> 00:22:50,660 There he is. Oh... 405 00:22:50,660 --> 00:22:53,980 Thank you. 406 00:22:53,980 --> 00:22:56,660 That's amazing. 407 00:22:56,660 --> 00:23:02,140 No. That's a 65-year-old man putting things on his head and face. 408 00:23:04,100 --> 00:23:06,460 And everyone bursts into a spasm of joy! 409 00:23:06,460 --> 00:23:09,420 He hadn't even bothered going into the studio. 410 00:23:09,420 --> 00:23:12,860 Ooh! And then there was the time when another elderly man 411 00:23:12,860 --> 00:23:15,060 said he'd once been to a nightclub. 412 00:23:15,060 --> 00:23:17,820 Have you ever been to Studio 54? Have you been to this place? 413 00:23:17,820 --> 00:23:20,260 No, I never went there, because - I think it was closed down. 414 00:23:20,260 --> 00:23:22,180 Michael, you might have been there. SHE GASPS 415 00:23:22,180 --> 00:23:24,380 I have been there, yeah. Have you been there? No. 416 00:23:24,380 --> 00:23:26,300 I did think you would have. 417 00:23:26,300 --> 00:23:28,500 I'm sorry, but if you're gonna applaud Michael Palin 418 00:23:28,500 --> 00:23:30,180 every time he says he's been somewhere, 419 00:23:30,180 --> 00:23:31,660 we're in for a long night. 420 00:23:33,020 --> 00:23:36,780 No, don't, because there are so many other mundane things 421 00:23:36,780 --> 00:23:39,300 to applaud as well. Just look at this lot. 422 00:23:39,300 --> 00:23:40,380 You posted this photo. 423 00:23:40,380 --> 00:23:44,740 This is you recording at the iconic Abbey Road Studios. 424 00:23:46,500 --> 00:23:49,060 And then we drank a whole bottle of champagne. OK. 425 00:23:49,060 --> 00:23:50,780 Hey! 426 00:23:50,780 --> 00:23:52,580 Now, that's a fight. 427 00:23:52,580 --> 00:23:53,620 Is this yours? 428 00:23:53,620 --> 00:23:55,380 To add to the thrill of being in 429 00:23:55,380 --> 00:23:58,060 one of the biggest Christmas movies of all time, Love Actually. 430 00:23:58,060 --> 00:24:01,500 ..playing Hugh Grant's... Were you his private secretary? 431 00:24:01,500 --> 00:24:03,180 Yeah. Yeah. I was. 432 00:24:03,180 --> 00:24:04,220 There you are. 433 00:24:04,220 --> 00:24:08,260 I mean, any guy can essentially do this at a wedding. 434 00:24:08,260 --> 00:24:10,820 Oh, wow! 435 00:24:13,860 --> 00:24:16,540 Goes along, goes along with any music. Sit down. 436 00:24:16,540 --> 00:24:19,740 This is why celebrities are all so weird. 437 00:24:19,740 --> 00:24:23,180 They expect to be applauded every time they make a cup of tea. 438 00:24:24,980 --> 00:24:27,340 I mean, Greg Davies, out of The Inbetweeners, 439 00:24:27,340 --> 00:24:30,340 once got applauded for being tall. 440 00:24:30,340 --> 00:24:33,980 Can I stand next to you? 441 00:24:39,300 --> 00:24:40,780 And you're not gonna believe this, 442 00:24:40,780 --> 00:24:42,740 but the next time he went on Norton's show, 443 00:24:42,740 --> 00:24:46,620 he got another round of applause for still being tall. 444 00:24:46,620 --> 00:24:49,540 Oh, look! Oh! Oh! 445 00:24:51,460 --> 00:24:54,260 You're taller. You're taller, yeah. 446 00:24:54,260 --> 00:24:57,020 Let me try this out, yeah? 447 00:24:58,540 --> 00:25:01,020 I'm six foot five. 448 00:25:03,580 --> 00:25:06,580 That's kind of the applause you get for a cheeky single 449 00:25:06,580 --> 00:25:08,940 at a village cricket match. 450 00:25:08,940 --> 00:25:11,100 Let me try the Tom Hanks dance. 451 00:25:14,460 --> 00:25:18,700 Thank you! And while we now sew the audience's arms back on, 452 00:25:18,700 --> 00:25:20,900 you lot go away and look at some adverts. 453 00:25:35,550 --> 00:25:37,710 Welcome back. 454 00:25:37,710 --> 00:25:40,590 Now, they recently made a documentary 455 00:25:40,590 --> 00:25:42,350 called The Truffle Hunters, 456 00:25:42,350 --> 00:25:45,590 which examined Italy's relationship with food. 457 00:25:45,590 --> 00:25:49,830 And it's just about the most beautiful, mouth-watering thing 458 00:25:49,830 --> 00:25:51,710 you have ever seen. 459 00:26:08,630 --> 00:26:11,590 Right. So, that's the Italians. 460 00:26:11,590 --> 00:26:15,470 Now let's look at a programme about Britain's relationship with food. 461 00:26:15,470 --> 00:26:17,070 Right. 462 00:26:17,070 --> 00:26:18,550 This is the gravy burger, yeah. 463 00:26:18,550 --> 00:26:20,990 There's a lot of gravy to be made, isn't there? 464 00:26:20,990 --> 00:26:24,710 So if you don't get in front, you're proper playing catch up. 465 00:26:24,710 --> 00:26:27,470 I'm not gonna run out. 466 00:26:27,470 --> 00:26:29,830 I'm hopeful that I'm not going to run out. 467 00:26:32,870 --> 00:26:35,150 It's like a little saucer, I feel posh. 468 00:26:35,150 --> 00:26:37,350 I couldn't wait for gravy. 469 00:26:37,350 --> 00:26:39,510 So, let's just analyse that. 470 00:26:39,510 --> 00:26:43,430 KFC, Colonel Sanders' secret recipe, shall we? 471 00:26:43,430 --> 00:26:47,950 Mix the lard and the chemical matter until it looks like slurry, 472 00:26:47,950 --> 00:26:51,910 pop it in the microwave, and then serve it in a plastic sample pot 473 00:26:51,910 --> 00:26:56,270 to a woman in a Ford B-MAX who says it makes her feel posh. 474 00:26:58,030 --> 00:26:59,990 I think that clearly demonstrates 475 00:26:59,990 --> 00:27:03,270 that we don't know much about food in this country. 476 00:27:03,270 --> 00:27:07,510 And yet we have this weird thing where every single person 477 00:27:07,510 --> 00:27:09,750 who's given something to eat on television 478 00:27:09,750 --> 00:27:12,390 always, always, always 479 00:27:12,390 --> 00:27:14,950 takes a moment, masticates 480 00:27:14,950 --> 00:27:17,110 and then says... 481 00:27:17,110 --> 00:27:20,430 "Mmm." 482 00:27:20,430 --> 00:27:22,390 It's hot and gorgeous. 483 00:27:22,390 --> 00:27:24,670 They're filling, aren't they? Mmm. 484 00:27:26,430 --> 00:27:28,030 Mmm. 485 00:27:31,030 --> 00:27:32,910 Mmm! 486 00:27:32,910 --> 00:27:36,550 And it's not just Matt, because when I say everyone does it, 487 00:27:36,550 --> 00:27:39,630 I do mean EVERYONE. 488 00:27:39,630 --> 00:27:42,830 Mmm... Mmm... Mmm, God. 489 00:27:42,830 --> 00:27:44,590 Mmm. 490 00:27:44,590 --> 00:27:46,230 Mmm. Mmm. 491 00:27:46,230 --> 00:27:48,870 Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. 492 00:27:48,870 --> 00:27:50,710 Mmm. Mmm. 493 00:27:50,710 --> 00:27:51,990 Mmm... 494 00:27:51,990 --> 00:27:53,710 Mmm. Mmm. 495 00:27:53,710 --> 00:27:55,670 Mmm. 496 00:27:55,670 --> 00:27:58,590 Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. That is delicious. 497 00:27:58,590 --> 00:28:01,910 Of course, the only time you're not allowed to make that noise 498 00:28:01,910 --> 00:28:05,470 is when you're trying your own food, Jamie. 499 00:28:07,070 --> 00:28:12,190 Mmm. 500 00:28:13,510 --> 00:28:15,550 Mmm. 501 00:28:15,550 --> 00:28:17,230 Mmm. 502 00:28:18,470 --> 00:28:19,950 Mmm! 503 00:28:19,950 --> 00:28:22,630 Mmm-mmm. 504 00:28:24,070 --> 00:28:28,310 But surely, you're thinking nobody is going to say, "Mmm", 505 00:28:28,310 --> 00:28:30,470 when they fill their mouths 506 00:28:30,470 --> 00:28:33,510 with a bit of Colonel Sanders' brown ejaculate. 507 00:28:35,150 --> 00:28:36,510 Let's find out, shall we? 508 00:28:41,990 --> 00:28:44,590 Mmm. 509 00:28:44,590 --> 00:28:48,430 I think that was probably an "Mmm..." 510 00:28:48,430 --> 00:28:50,190 as in heart... 511 00:28:50,190 --> 00:28:52,350 mmm-murmur. 512 00:28:54,310 --> 00:28:57,030 Mmm-medical emergency. 513 00:28:57,030 --> 00:28:58,990 Or the kid in the back. 514 00:28:58,990 --> 00:29:01,470 Mmm-Mum's dead. 515 00:29:03,710 --> 00:29:07,310 Would anyone like to see what KFC's gravy burger 516 00:29:07,310 --> 00:29:10,350 looks like in real life? Yeah. 517 00:29:10,350 --> 00:29:13,110 Well, luckily, a man on the internet called Burger Lad... 518 00:29:13,110 --> 00:29:14,870 I don't think that's his real name. 519 00:29:14,870 --> 00:29:16,550 ..took a photograph 520 00:29:16,550 --> 00:29:17,990 of the one he was served. 521 00:29:21,030 --> 00:29:23,230 Apparently, it's known as the Havers. 522 00:29:25,390 --> 00:29:27,990 Actually, that'll be Nigel's next job, clearing that up. 523 00:29:29,190 --> 00:29:31,790 Now, it's probably worth, at this point, 524 00:29:31,790 --> 00:29:34,830 watching some Italians in the Truffle Hunters movie 525 00:29:34,830 --> 00:29:37,830 savouring their food nasally. 526 00:29:47,990 --> 00:29:50,830 Let's compare and contrast that to what happens 527 00:29:50,830 --> 00:29:54,670 when people on Gordon Ramsay's 24 Hours To Hell And Back 528 00:29:54,670 --> 00:29:56,190 use their noses. 529 00:29:56,190 --> 00:29:58,550 Can you smell that? 530 00:29:58,550 --> 00:30:00,150 Yeah, I can smell it from here. 531 00:30:00,150 --> 00:30:03,310 Smell that. It's starting to turn. No, that's not good. 532 00:30:03,310 --> 00:30:06,270 My God. Now, just smell that. 533 00:30:09,270 --> 00:30:11,110 Oh, God! Yeah. 534 00:30:16,030 --> 00:30:17,750 Oh, my God! 535 00:30:17,750 --> 00:30:20,630 And the Oscar for best fake vomiting. 536 00:30:20,630 --> 00:30:22,230 The nominations are... 537 00:30:22,230 --> 00:30:25,750 Gordon Ramsay and Gordon Ramsay's second cameraman. 538 00:30:27,910 --> 00:30:31,190 The other extraordinary thing is the amount of shouting going on there. 539 00:30:31,190 --> 00:30:33,590 They were even louder than Chris Tarrant. 540 00:30:33,590 --> 00:30:36,590 The inventive engineer and his team physically hauled the church, 541 00:30:36,590 --> 00:30:40,030 which weighed 9,000 tonnes, along this path, 542 00:30:40,030 --> 00:30:41,750 across this extremely busy road, 543 00:30:41,750 --> 00:30:44,350 which wasn't even built at the time, 544 00:30:44,350 --> 00:30:46,990 past these blocks of flats... 545 00:30:46,990 --> 00:30:49,230 ..and into this small park, where, as you can see, 546 00:30:49,230 --> 00:30:50,670 it still stands today! 547 00:30:52,670 --> 00:30:54,870 Does he not know how microphones work? 548 00:30:54,870 --> 00:30:57,830 Imagine him doing Springwatch. 549 00:30:57,830 --> 00:31:01,390 "Look, a rabbit! See! Is that a badger?! 550 00:31:01,390 --> 00:31:05,350 "It's running away, for some reason!" 551 00:31:05,350 --> 00:31:09,110 And it turns out it's not just Gordon Ramsay and Chris Tarrant. 552 00:31:09,110 --> 00:31:11,670 The milk's good! I knew it! 553 00:31:11,670 --> 00:31:14,310 The milk's good, you can unload! So, they're ready for harvest?! 554 00:31:14,310 --> 00:31:15,510 They're ready for harvest. 555 00:31:15,510 --> 00:31:17,350 Billions and billions of bacteria! Yeah. 556 00:31:17,350 --> 00:31:18,630 No way! 557 00:31:18,630 --> 00:31:20,670 My apples can go and make cider! 558 00:31:20,670 --> 00:31:24,390 Gregg Wallace there, screaming like an angry testicle... 559 00:31:24,390 --> 00:31:27,110 ..over the deafening roar 560 00:31:27,110 --> 00:31:28,950 of apples growing. 561 00:31:28,950 --> 00:31:30,790 And that's all we've got time for, I'm afraid. 562 00:31:30,790 --> 00:31:32,790 So, until next time, take care... 563 00:31:32,790 --> 00:31:35,390 Good night! 564 00:31:37,110 --> 00:31:39,150 Subtitles by accessibility@itv.com 564 00:31:40,305 --> 00:32:40,388 Do you want subtitles for any video? -=[ ai.OpenSubtitles.com ]=-