"It's Clarkson on TV" Episode #2.1

1 00:00:06,000 --> 00:00:12,074 2 00:00:24,370 --> 00:00:28,910 Hello, and welcome 3 00:00:28,930 --> 00:00:29,160 to It's Clarkson On TV, 4 00:00:29,180 --> 00:00:34,350 which is a TV show where I review things that I've seen on television. 5 00:00:34,370 --> 00:00:36,380 That from time to time 6 00:00:36,400 --> 00:00:37,760 Now, I should warn you at the outset 7 00:00:37,780 --> 00:00:39,790 a bit smutty and lavatorial. 8 00:00:39,810 --> 00:00:40,900 Things do get 9 00:00:47,670 --> 00:00:50,240 there was a moment when Meghan seemed, 10 00:00:50,260 --> 00:00:52,910 how can I put this politely...? 11 00:00:54,290 --> 00:00:56,420 ...to break wind. 12 00:00:59,990 --> 00:01:00,670 Six, seven months after our wedding? 13 00:01:00,690 --> 00:01:04,080 FART NOISE 14 00:01:04,510 --> 00:01:06,520 can we just hear that again? 15 00:01:06,540 --> 00:01:07,240 Sorry, can we, 16 00:01:07,260 --> 00:01:09,740 Because it really does sound like 17 00:01:09,760 --> 00:01:10,030 Piers Morgan had a point. 18 00:01:10,050 --> 00:01:13,220 Her pants really were on fire. 19 00:01:13,240 --> 00:01:15,200 The sad thing was, what was that, 20 00:01:15,220 --> 00:01:17,240 after our wedding? 21 00:01:17,260 --> 00:01:17,390 Six, seven months 22 00:01:20,820 --> 00:01:23,090 Now, I've had a note here 23 00:01:23,110 --> 00:01:26,280 from the legal department at ITV. 24 00:01:26,300 --> 00:01:28,580 They want it to be made plain 25 00:01:28,600 --> 00:01:30,640 that that was NOT a fart. 26 00:01:30,660 --> 00:01:32,670 But they want me to make it clear 27 00:01:32,690 --> 00:01:35,720 I've no idea how they know that, 28 00:01:35,740 --> 00:01:41,310 that the fart noise probably came out of Oprah's mouth. 29 00:01:42,190 --> 00:01:44,200 So we can move on to Bridgerton, 30 00:01:44,220 --> 00:01:45,670 So, I've done that, 31 00:01:47,570 --> 00:01:49,690 pulling up outside 32 00:01:49,710 --> 00:01:50,090 an agreeable house. 33 00:01:50,110 --> 00:01:54,770 All TV period dramas do this, it's a sort of coded warning to men 34 00:01:54,790 --> 00:01:56,800 any of what follows. 35 00:01:56,820 --> 00:01:57,720 That they will not enjoy 36 00:01:57,740 --> 00:02:02,080 It's a sign that no-one is going to point at a radar screen and say, 37 00:02:02,100 --> 00:02:04,470 IN AMERICAN ACCENT: 38 00:02:04,490 --> 00:02:04,560 Sir, you're gonna wanna see this. 39 00:02:04,580 --> 00:02:06,590 Secure the perimeter! 40 00:02:06,610 --> 00:02:06,700 Got hostiles inbound. 41 00:02:10,610 --> 00:02:12,840 You know none of that is going to happen. 42 00:02:22,660 --> 00:02:24,670 Was different, 43 00:02:24,690 --> 00:02:25,840 But this Regency drama 44 00:02:25,860 --> 00:02:27,880 the yellow lines in... 45 00:02:27,900 --> 00:02:28,440 not just because they left 46 00:02:30,990 --> 00:02:32,080 Er, no. 47 00:02:32,100 --> 00:02:33,870 If you thought there were some strange noises 48 00:02:33,890 --> 00:02:35,210 in the Meghan interview, 49 00:02:35,230 --> 00:02:38,890 you should hear some of the sounds the actors made in Bridgerton, 50 00:02:38,910 --> 00:02:42,090 once they'd found somewhere to park the horse. 51 00:02:42,110 --> 00:02:45,050 I mean, just watch this bit, OK, with your eyes shut. 52 00:02:57,740 --> 00:02:59,110 Was that the mixed doubles at Wimbledon? 53 00:03:03,010 --> 00:03:03,150 A kidney stone. 54 00:03:05,600 --> 00:03:11,450 Anyway, while you were watching 55 00:03:11,470 --> 00:03:15,670 'They're everywhere, in our shopping centres, 56 00:03:15,690 --> 00:03:20,250 'our transport stations, all across the globe.' 57 00:03:20,270 --> 00:03:23,950 Now, you might think they were using that Jason Bourne music 58 00:03:23,970 --> 00:03:28,020 to make an extremely dull topic seem dramatic, but no. 59 00:03:28,040 --> 00:03:30,050 Exciting programme I've ever seen. 60 00:03:30,070 --> 00:03:32,950 This turned out to be the most 61 00:03:38,190 --> 00:03:40,450 spiralling out of control, 62 00:03:40,470 --> 00:03:40,910 who know what it's like 63 00:03:40,930 --> 00:03:44,950 'to be eaten by an escalator.' 64 00:03:44,970 --> 00:03:47,520 This could happen to anybody, anywhere in the world. 65 00:03:50,630 --> 00:03:52,640 From the Anti-obesity Society. 66 00:03:52,660 --> 00:03:55,230 A subtle message there 67 00:03:55,250 --> 00:03:56,660 Use the stairs. 68 00:03:56,680 --> 00:03:58,690 Is Countryfile. 69 00:03:58,710 --> 00:04:02,480 Now, another show I love 70 00:04:02,500 --> 00:04:04,310 of ambition that's so endearing. 71 00:04:04,330 --> 00:04:06,630 I mean, the other week, after 72 00:04:06,650 --> 00:04:07,470 the rather wonderful Adam Henson 73 00:04:07,490 --> 00:04:09,800 had casually hit a lamb with a stick, 74 00:04:09,820 --> 00:04:14,140 Matt Baker took his super-neat 75 00:04:14,160 --> 00:04:14,330 side parting into the garden 76 00:04:23,020 --> 00:04:25,750 Whoa! You little... No, lost him. 77 00:04:30,180 --> 00:04:33,470 And there you have your own little watery haven. 78 00:04:33,490 --> 00:04:35,590 Wildlife will turn up before you know it. 79 00:04:37,850 --> 00:04:39,200 What wildlife?! 80 00:04:39,220 --> 00:04:41,230 With some gravel in it! 81 00:04:41,250 --> 00:04:42,250 It's a plastic washing-up bowl 82 00:04:42,270 --> 00:04:45,200 I suspect they were planning 83 00:04:45,220 --> 00:04:47,730 a rather elaborate lake 84 00:04:47,750 --> 00:04:48,050 with fountains and waterlilies, 85 00:04:48,070 --> 00:04:52,360 but yet again, the Countryfile team 86 00:04:52,380 --> 00:04:52,450 blew the show's entire budget 87 00:04:52,470 --> 00:04:55,050 on gack and hookers. 88 00:04:57,720 --> 00:05:00,170 They were famous throughout the BBC for doing that. 89 00:05:01,270 --> 00:05:03,280 Note from the legal team at ITV . 90 00:05:03,300 --> 00:05:05,810 I'm sorry, I've just had another 91 00:05:16,550 --> 00:05:18,920 from the BBC. 92 00:05:18,940 --> 00:05:21,330 Don't know what I'm supposed to do 93 00:05:21,350 --> 00:05:25,830 with that. So, erm... 94 00:05:25,850 --> 00:05:30,860 Let's stick with Countryfile, then, shall we? 95 00:05:30,880 --> 00:05:32,190 That Matt Baker 96 00:05:32,210 --> 00:05:35,270 doesn't know what the word "excited" means? 97 00:05:35,290 --> 00:05:39,270 Because I think he uses it when he means "boring". 98 00:05:39,290 --> 00:05:43,300 Colin, this is the chosen site, then? 99 00:05:43,320 --> 00:05:43,550 It's very exciting, actually, 100 00:05:43,570 --> 00:05:45,530 to wander across it, knowing what it will become. 101 00:05:45,550 --> 00:05:47,560 Is rip off a load of branches 102 00:05:47,580 --> 00:05:50,050 So, what we won't don't want to do 103 00:05:50,070 --> 00:05:52,100 See what happens. Let's go for it. 104 00:05:52,120 --> 00:05:52,910 You're gonna guide it down. 105 00:05:52,930 --> 00:05:54,740 Cheers. I'm excited. 106 00:05:54,760 --> 00:05:57,020 How much will you get involved 107 00:05:57,040 --> 00:05:59,210 and how much will you leave them be? 108 00:05:59,230 --> 00:06:01,150 F 109 00:06:02,520 --> 00:06:04,540 F 110 00:06:04,560 --> 00:06:06,830 F 111 00:06:06,850 --> 00:06:11,750 Exciting, isn't it? 112 00:06:11,770 --> 00:06:13,040 There would have been houses, 113 00:06:13,060 --> 00:06:18,500 probably grain storage inside this enclosure. 114 00:06:18,520 --> 00:06:20,330 Sort of feel something, can't you? 115 00:06:22,720 --> 00:06:23,400 It's just so... it's so exciting. 116 00:06:23,430 --> 00:06:26,930 He also has a habit of describing things 117 00:06:26,960 --> 00:06:29,420 that aren't fantastic as "fantastic". 118 00:06:29,450 --> 00:06:31,450 Fantastic. 119 00:06:31,480 --> 00:06:33,390 Oh, yes. I'll have a bit of that. 120 00:06:33,420 --> 00:06:35,400 This looks fantastic fun. 121 00:06:35,430 --> 00:06:35,560 What's going on, you two? 122 00:06:35,590 --> 00:06:39,370 Fantastic. 123 00:06:39,400 --> 00:06:40,030 Fantastic. 124 00:06:40,060 --> 00:06:42,530 Fantastic! 125 00:06:42,560 --> 00:06:45,210 What Matt says most of all though, 126 00:06:45,240 --> 00:06:47,700 is the Low Church, granny-friendly 127 00:06:47,730 --> 00:06:52,620 expression, "Oh, my word". 128 00:06:52,650 --> 00:06:55,760 He means to say is, "Just shoot me". 129 00:06:55,790 --> 00:07:01,460 Really?! Oh, my word. 130 00:07:01,490 --> 00:07:05,210 The Roman farmstead. Oh, my word. 131 00:07:05,240 --> 00:07:06,700 F 132 00:07:06,730 --> 00:07:09,480 Is he really? Wow. 133 00:07:09,510 --> 00:07:11,570 F 134 00:07:11,600 --> 00:07:11,710 Oh, my word. 135 00:07:11,740 --> 00:07:15,230 Oh, my word. You can get these... I've just seen it! 136 00:07:15,260 --> 00:07:23,260 That is absolutely huge! 137 00:07:27,490 --> 00:07:29,090 In Grampy Rupert's Windsor chair. 138 00:07:29,120 --> 00:07:31,390 Oh, can I? 139 00:07:31,420 --> 00:07:31,980 Oh, my word. 140 00:07:34,130 --> 00:07:35,390 Just shoot me. 141 00:07:36,980 --> 00:07:39,710 Anyway, now that we can speak "Matt Baker", 142 00:07:39,740 --> 00:07:43,600 let's have a look at him in his last ever appearance on The One Show. 143 00:07:47,040 --> 00:07:50,960 But we have commissioned The One Show's resident artist, 144 00:07:50,990 --> 00:07:53,210 who I know you love, I know you love him, Adebanji, 145 00:07:55,570 --> 00:07:55,650 to paint a lovely picture. 146 00:07:55,680 --> 00:07:58,170 Now, here it is. 147 00:07:58,200 --> 00:07:59,310 It's you and I on the sofa. 148 00:07:59,340 --> 00:08:03,390 Oh, my word. Look at that! 149 00:08:03,420 --> 00:08:08,900 Isn't it lovely! 150 00:08:08,930 --> 00:08:10,930 Like the mirror he holds up to me. 151 00:08:10,960 --> 00:08:12,540 And that's the problem, I don't 152 00:08:13,920 --> 00:08:18,490 And what is The One Show doing with a resident artist? 153 00:08:22,700 --> 00:08:23,350 Who had a resident artist 154 00:08:23,380 --> 00:08:27,540 was Louis XIV. 155 00:08:27,570 --> 00:08:34,140 The comfort zone of Matt Baker 156 00:08:34,170 --> 00:08:34,810 on breakfast television 157 00:08:34,840 --> 00:08:38,530 between the hosts and the weather people. 158 00:08:38,560 --> 00:08:42,420 Chilly outside and it's going to get colder 159 00:08:42,450 --> 00:08:43,280 as well. Why are you here, Carol? 160 00:08:45,810 --> 00:08:48,620 Because some of that was right, Naga... 161 00:08:48,650 --> 00:08:51,400 F 162 00:08:51,430 --> 00:08:53,490 Oh, that's stunning. 163 00:08:53,520 --> 00:08:53,640 £ 164 00:08:53,670 --> 00:08:55,170 Carol, if you just move out the way, 165 00:08:55,200 --> 00:08:57,240 it'll improve the picture 166 00:08:57,270 --> 00:08:57,400 a hell of a lot. 167 00:08:57,430 --> 00:09:00,240 Well, you should too, Nana... Nana! Naga! Sorry... 168 00:09:02,540 --> 00:09:04,350 Get it right, Carol. Come on. 169 00:09:04,380 --> 00:09:05,930 I'm not talking to her any more. 170 00:09:05,960 --> 00:09:08,200 At first, 171 00:09:08,230 --> 00:09:08,620 I thought this was just banter, 172 00:09:08,650 --> 00:09:10,650 the body language is pure... 173 00:09:10,680 --> 00:09:12,640 but in this clip 174 00:09:12,670 --> 00:09:15,780 ...Piers and Alex. 175 00:09:15,810 --> 00:09:20,310 F 176 00:09:20,340 --> 00:09:22,900 I'lljust go, shall I? 177 00:09:22,930 --> 00:09:24,930 Jolly weather woman, this happened. 178 00:09:24,960 --> 00:09:27,980 Then, after a gentle jibe from the 179 00:09:28,010 --> 00:09:31,280 Do you know what, 180 00:09:31,310 --> 00:09:32,900 Naga... Charlie, never. 181 00:09:32,930 --> 00:09:34,930 É 182 00:09:34,960 --> 00:09:35,430 £ 183 00:09:35,460 --> 00:09:37,620 é 184 00:09:37,650 --> 00:09:39,760 What's the point? What is the point? 185 00:09:44,060 --> 00:09:47,420 Is all the rage at the moment. 186 00:09:47,450 --> 00:09:50,420 Version of it. 187 00:09:50,450 --> 00:09:51,540 Even wanna do this interview, 188 00:09:51,570 --> 00:09:53,570 at what it says 189 00:09:53,600 --> 00:09:54,530 because I don't even wanna look 190 00:09:54,560 --> 00:09:56,420 at the bottom of that screen, 191 00:09:56,450 --> 00:10:00,530 so I'm just gonna switch off, 192 00:10:00,560 --> 00:10:02,960 Huge apologies. We didn't... 193 00:10:02,990 --> 00:10:05,290 It wasn't our intention 194 00:10:05,320 --> 00:10:06,260 to upset you. 195 00:10:06,290 --> 00:10:10,230 With whoever that was, 196 00:10:10,260 --> 00:10:14,540 because imagine being labelled a "wellness guru". 197 00:10:16,040 --> 00:10:18,040 At the bottom of the screen, 198 00:10:18,070 --> 00:10:19,030 Mind you, when it comes to captions 199 00:10:19,060 --> 00:10:22,060 it could be worse. 200 00:10:22,090 --> 00:10:22,420 Margaret Bates, for example. 201 00:10:22,450 --> 00:10:28,760 She's a visiting professor 202 00:10:28,790 --> 00:10:32,960 but this is what they called her on Panorama. 203 00:10:32,990 --> 00:10:34,960 A "fly-tipping expert". 204 00:10:34,990 --> 00:10:37,090 Perhaps that's what she does at weekends, 205 00:10:39,400 --> 00:10:41,870 lobs old fridges over hedges. 206 00:10:41,900 --> 00:10:42,570 Is a chap called Adam Linsell, 207 00:10:42,600 --> 00:10:44,600 and a committed charity worker. 208 00:10:44,630 --> 00:10:45,420 Who is an athlete 209 00:10:45,450 --> 00:10:47,450 by the BBC. 210 00:10:47,480 --> 00:10:51,700 And here's how he was billed 211 00:10:51,730 --> 00:10:54,200 How long, I wonder, will it be before we see this? 212 00:10:56,520 --> 00:10:57,810 "Hat expert". 213 00:10:59,790 --> 00:11:01,800 On British television 214 00:11:01,830 --> 00:11:02,870 The only magazine programme 215 00:11:02,900 --> 00:11:06,650 that's presented in what appears to be a foreign language. 216 00:11:06,680 --> 00:11:08,920 Er, it's got a quad-core processor, 217 00:11:08,950 --> 00:11:09,840 one gig of RAM, 218 00:11:09,870 --> 00:11:14,620 seven-inch LCD screen, so it's not HD, 219 00:11:14,650 --> 00:11:15,880 which is expandable to 32. 220 00:11:18,210 --> 00:11:20,820 Android 8.1 Go edition, 221 00:11:20,850 --> 00:11:22,850 the tech spec, is so low, 222 00:11:22,880 --> 00:11:26,850 er, and because the spec, 223 00:11:26,880 --> 00:11:28,880 when you turn the subtitles on, 224 00:11:28,910 --> 00:11:31,340 Now, the funny thing is, 225 00:11:31,370 --> 00:11:34,930 it transpires those are the actual words they're using. 226 00:11:34,960 --> 00:11:36,960 Fest every week for two reasons. 227 00:11:36,990 --> 00:11:39,240 But I find myself drawn to this tech 228 00:11:39,270 --> 00:11:41,590 One, it's hosted in part 229 00:11:41,620 --> 00:11:42,850 by a chap called Jon Bentley, 230 00:11:42,880 --> 00:11:44,730 in television, 231 00:11:44,760 --> 00:11:46,760 they give away in their competition. 232 00:11:46,790 --> 00:11:49,920 And two, because of the prizes 233 00:11:49,950 --> 00:11:52,560 Cuddly toy? Barbecue set? 234 00:11:52,590 --> 00:11:58,130 No! We are WAY beyond that here. 235 00:11:58,160 --> 00:12:00,170 Is what one person can win. 236 00:12:00,200 --> 00:12:08,200 Because this, for real, 237 00:12:08,340 --> 00:12:12,960 é 238 00:12:12,990 --> 00:12:15,340 F 239 00:12:15,370 --> 00:12:17,180 F 240 00:12:17,210 --> 00:12:20,180 £ 241 00:12:20,210 --> 00:12:23,340 F 242 00:12:23,370 --> 00:12:25,620 And that lot is just 243 00:12:25,650 --> 00:12:25,710 the tip of the tech iceberg! 244 00:12:25,740 --> 00:12:27,400 Fancy some top audio gear, too? 245 00:12:27,430 --> 00:12:31,310 A UE HYPERBOOM Bluetooth speaker, 246 00:12:31,340 --> 00:12:31,560 noise-cancelling earbuds 247 00:12:31,590 --> 00:12:34,400 and over-ear headphones, Spotify Premium for a year, 248 00:12:34,430 --> 00:12:39,790 plus three Amazon Echo Dots, so you can listen all over your home, 249 00:12:39,820 --> 00:12:44,600 with the Samsung Galaxy 521 Ultra 250 00:12:44,630 --> 00:12:47,810 And stay in style on the go with a Pure Air Pro electric scooter. 251 00:12:47,840 --> 00:12:50,130 É 252 00:12:50,160 --> 00:12:50,490 F 253 00:12:50,520 --> 00:12:52,530 F 254 00:12:52,560 --> 00:12:53,900 é 255 00:12:53,930 --> 00:12:57,150 and an Xbox Series X, 256 00:12:57,180 --> 00:12:58,420 both with five games, 257 00:12:58,450 --> 00:13:00,590 with Mario Kart Live, 258 00:13:00,620 --> 00:13:04,100 and, for a bit of VR gaming, and Oculus Quest 2 headset. 259 00:13:04,130 --> 00:13:06,510 It's not just next-gen gaming we've got you covered for. 260 00:13:06,540 --> 00:13:08,150 How about this tech to trick up your pad? 261 00:13:08,180 --> 00:13:10,920 An Amazon Echo Show 10, Ring video doorbell 262 00:13:10,950 --> 00:13:12,490 and five-piece Ring alarm kit, 263 00:13:12,520 --> 00:13:14,970 plus a Nest thermostat and Blink 5 264 00:13:15,000 --> 00:13:16,440 camera home security bundle. 265 00:13:16,460 --> 00:13:19,310 £ 266 00:13:19,330 --> 00:13:22,870 é 267 00:13:22,890 --> 00:13:25,690 F 268 00:13:25,710 --> 00:13:27,720 £ 269 00:13:27,740 --> 00:13:29,700 £ 270 00:13:29,720 --> 00:13:32,080 £ 271 00:13:32,100 --> 00:13:34,110 with a pair of techie bikes - 272 00:13:34,130 --> 00:13:34,530 Hit the open road 273 00:13:34,550 --> 00:13:40,200 a Giant Advanced road bike, Eovolt folding electric city bike, 274 00:13:40,220 --> 00:13:40,670 with integrated lights 275 00:13:40,690 --> 00:13:43,370 and a Fitbit Sense health-tracking smartwatch. 276 00:13:43,390 --> 00:13:47,340 Then kick back on the sofa with your brand-new home cinema set-up, 277 00:13:47,360 --> 00:13:51,280 including a 75-inch LG 4K TV with a Sonos Dolby Atmos soundbar, 278 00:13:51,300 --> 00:13:53,700 subwoofer and a pair 279 00:13:53,720 --> 00:13:53,920 of rear wireless speakers. 280 00:13:53,940 --> 00:13:56,190 Plus a 43-inch TV for the bedroom 281 00:13:56,210 --> 00:13:56,970 with an Anker portable projector. 282 00:13:56,990 --> 00:13:59,000 £ 283 00:13:59,020 --> 00:13:59,390 é 284 00:13:59,410 --> 00:14:05,660 F 285 00:14:05,680 --> 00:14:07,020 worth over £30,000, 286 00:14:07,040 --> 00:14:09,000 and you'd be simply mad to miss it! 287 00:14:11,050 --> 00:14:16,140 You... It is. It is. 288 00:14:19,300 --> 00:14:21,060 Which means it isn't here yet, 289 00:14:21,080 --> 00:14:24,810 so, while new try to access 290 00:14:24,830 --> 00:14:27,510 to see if you can still win 291 00:14:27,530 --> 00:14:32,200 See you in a minute. 292 00:14:35,900 --> 00:14:43,900 If you're the curious type, we've got you. 293 00:14:42,530 --> 00:14:45,150 Ancl apropos of nothing at all, 294 00:14:45,170 --> 00:14:47,620 one of the bands that competed to represent Sweden 295 00:14:47,640 --> 00:14:50,320 Eurovision Song Contest 296 00:14:50,340 --> 00:14:53,010 claim that they were singing in Swedish, 297 00:14:53,030 --> 00:14:55,320 but when it gets to the chorus, 298 00:14:55,340 --> 00:15:00,570 I'm not sure they were. 299 00:15:00,590 --> 00:15:06,210 # Hej, halla 300 00:15:08,720 --> 00:15:09,870 # Tanker inte alls ga hem 301 00:15:09,890 --> 00:15:14,540 # Tanker inte alls ga hem... # 302 00:15:19,250 --> 00:15:21,040 # Tanker inte alls ga hem. # 303 00:15:21,060 --> 00:15:26,770 Sadly, they were beaten into the number two slot by... 304 00:15:26,790 --> 00:15:28,810 the subject of mishearing, 305 00:15:28,830 --> 00:15:31,040 Ooh, actually, while we're on 306 00:15:31,060 --> 00:15:33,520 the current series of the critically 307 00:15:33,540 --> 00:15:35,600 acclaimed Line Of Duty was, for me, 308 00:15:35,620 --> 00:15:39,120 spoiled somewhat by everyone talking nonstop 309 00:15:39,140 --> 00:15:43,900 about what sounded like "jizz". 310 00:15:43,920 --> 00:15:45,930 Locate your CHIS. 311 00:15:45,950 --> 00:15:46,630 For a start, you could help us 312 00:15:46,650 --> 00:15:51,460 Handler's his contact. He reckons the CHIS has bottled it. 313 00:15:51,480 --> 00:15:54,670 £ 314 00:15:54,690 --> 00:15:55,620 a commercial thing with the CHIS. 315 00:15:55,640 --> 00:15:59,180 ...the handler, and fuck the CHIS. 316 00:15:59,200 --> 00:16:02,640 Now, apparently, they were actually saying "CHIS", 317 00:16:02,660 --> 00:16:05,130 which means "grass" or "snitch". 318 00:16:05,150 --> 00:16:08,720 I've, er, gone to the trouble of having it translated here, 319 00:16:08,740 --> 00:16:13,570 and it stands for "Covert Human Intelligence Source". 320 00:16:13,590 --> 00:16:15,740 Basically, then, human source. 321 00:16:17,340 --> 00:16:20,070 So, as we were. 322 00:16:20,090 --> 00:16:22,380 Now, Grand Designs, 323 00:16:22,400 --> 00:16:24,070 a big favourite of mine, 324 00:16:24,090 --> 00:16:29,500 noteworthy episode recently 325 00:16:29,520 --> 00:16:30,270 a self-confessed eco-warrior 326 00:16:30,290 --> 00:16:32,300 underground house 327 00:16:32,320 --> 00:16:33,970 decided to build a state-of-the-art 328 00:16:33,990 --> 00:16:36,320 that would be insulated and heated 329 00:16:36,340 --> 00:16:40,070 by the soil itself. 330 00:16:40,090 --> 00:16:40,940 Always-excellent Kevin McCloud 331 00:16:43,260 --> 00:16:46,270 to become... a little bit bemused. 332 00:16:46,290 --> 00:16:48,300 House, but with a difference. 333 00:16:48,320 --> 00:16:48,720 Essentially, it's an earth-sheltered 334 00:16:48,740 --> 00:16:49,820 It's a self-heating house. 335 00:16:49,840 --> 00:16:52,520 What we're doing 336 00:16:52,540 --> 00:16:55,500 er, transferring that heat 337 00:16:55,520 --> 00:16:57,570 transfer mechanism 338 00:16:57,600 --> 00:16:58,370 with an underfloor 339 00:16:58,400 --> 00:17:00,560 into the earth banks. 340 00:17:00,590 --> 00:17:02,590 The heat from summertime. 341 00:17:02,620 --> 00:17:06,000 Wahey! These earth banks will store 342 00:17:06,030 --> 00:17:10,010 Now, it turned out that the original design for this underground house 343 00:17:10,040 --> 00:17:12,610 so they had to come up with 344 00:17:12,640 --> 00:17:16,560 an expensive and complicated 345 00:17:16,590 --> 00:17:20,940 but, eventually, 346 00:17:20,970 --> 00:17:21,030 the important eco-work could begin. 347 00:17:21,060 --> 00:17:25,140 What we've got under here is earth. 348 00:17:25,170 --> 00:17:27,060 Then we've got polythene, and then, finally, 349 00:17:27,090 --> 00:17:30,340 this critical part of it, which is the polystyrene. 350 00:17:30,370 --> 00:17:36,170 At least the house has started to disappear... kind of. 351 00:17:36,200 --> 00:17:40,120 Is the ubiquitous, 352 00:17:40,150 --> 00:17:41,450 somewhere, buried under this, 353 00:17:41,480 --> 00:17:43,480 yards and yards of blue plastic. 354 00:17:43,510 --> 00:17:46,000 A house, and that is 355 00:17:46,030 --> 00:17:51,450 Eventually, of course, the house was finished, and here it is. 356 00:17:51,480 --> 00:17:53,480 And glass and polystyrene, 357 00:17:53,510 --> 00:17:55,970 It's a symphony of wood 358 00:17:56,000 --> 00:18:00,030 shrouding an interior filled with space-age technology, 359 00:18:00,060 --> 00:18:04,250 Italian ceramics and even a home cinema. 360 00:18:04,280 --> 00:18:06,280 With Grand Designs, 361 00:18:06,310 --> 00:18:08,920 Then, as is the way 362 00:18:08,950 --> 00:18:11,410 polystyrene enthusiastic 363 00:18:11,440 --> 00:18:11,910 who built it, 364 00:18:11,940 --> 00:18:13,500 and, given that it's this chap's business 365 00:18:13,530 --> 00:18:17,250 technology to hipsters, 366 00:18:17,280 --> 00:18:19,280 he was going to be honest 367 00:18:19,310 --> 00:18:19,800 I wondered if 368 00:18:19,830 --> 00:18:26,250 about how far over budget he'd gone. 369 00:18:30,450 --> 00:18:30,940 Which got blown almost straight away 370 00:18:30,960 --> 00:18:33,220 with having to go 371 00:18:33,240 --> 00:18:36,270 for the cast concrete approach. 372 00:18:36,290 --> 00:18:39,680 We've just been very careful, 373 00:18:39,700 --> 00:18:41,960 good purchasing decisions, 374 00:18:41,980 --> 00:18:42,910 at about 310. 375 00:18:42,930 --> 00:18:46,630 Right. 376 00:18:46,650 --> 00:18:48,660 That is amazing. 377 00:18:48,680 --> 00:18:48,820 He built that house for £310,000? 378 00:18:48,840 --> 00:18:54,910 But, of course, the big question is, 379 00:18:54,930 --> 00:18:55,640 technology actually work? 380 00:18:55,660 --> 00:18:58,970 Well, here are the couple, both wearing jumpers, 381 00:18:58,990 --> 00:19:00,330 and what about Kevin? 382 00:19:02,540 --> 00:19:02,630 Yeah, he hasn't taken his coat. 383 00:19:02,650 --> 00:19:04,660 And say the jury's out... 384 00:19:04,680 --> 00:19:06,530 So let's be fair 385 00:19:08,630 --> 00:19:08,770 buying gloves. 386 00:19:08,790 --> 00:19:13,710 Now, the reason why Kevin devoted a whole show to environmentalism 387 00:19:13,730 --> 00:19:18,270 is that it's compulsory these days. 388 00:19:18,290 --> 00:19:20,300 Everyone is. 389 00:19:20,320 --> 00:19:24,680 I'm talking about it now. 390 00:19:24,700 --> 00:19:25,240 Glaciers, even rain forests 391 00:19:25,260 --> 00:19:29,280 in a bid to raise awareness of climate change. 392 00:19:29,300 --> 00:19:31,580 DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: And by absorbing carbon, 393 00:19:31,600 --> 00:19:33,930 they are our greatest ally 394 00:19:33,950 --> 00:19:36,050 in combating climate change. 395 00:19:36,070 --> 00:19:42,190 F 396 00:19:42,210 --> 00:19:44,220 thanks to global warming. 397 00:19:44,240 --> 00:19:47,320 The animals were now refugees, 398 00:19:48,510 --> 00:19:51,740 Worried about the weather and the seasons 399 00:19:53,840 --> 00:19:53,880 and all the plastic everywhere. 400 00:19:54,910 --> 00:19:56,410 F 401 00:19:56,430 --> 00:19:58,080 F 402 00:20:00,090 --> 00:20:02,100 things that are important, 403 00:20:02,120 --> 00:20:04,030 It's weird. There are... lots of 404 00:20:04,050 --> 00:20:07,160 so why has television singled out climate change 405 00:20:07,180 --> 00:20:12,720 as the one thing we must all talk about all the time? 406 00:20:12,740 --> 00:20:15,050 As the one thing you can't do on a plane. 407 00:20:15,070 --> 00:20:16,920 There are big signs and announcements! 408 00:20:16,940 --> 00:20:19,770 And you think, yeah, but masturbating's not allowed, either. 409 00:20:19,790 --> 00:20:22,050 Or murdering. 410 00:20:22,070 --> 00:20:24,330 We already know that climate change 411 00:20:24,350 --> 00:20:26,740 is the biggest threat to humanity - 412 00:20:26,760 --> 00:20:32,110 after escalators, obviously - so why do we keep going on about it? 413 00:20:32,130 --> 00:20:34,910 Was being attacked 414 00:20:34,930 --> 00:20:36,940 she and her mates still found time 415 00:20:36,960 --> 00:20:37,910 by some giant space phlegm, 416 00:20:37,930 --> 00:20:41,910 to deliver a short lecture on the subject. 417 00:20:41,930 --> 00:20:44,300 DREG GRUNTS "Made in China"? 418 00:20:49,620 --> 00:20:54,360 F 419 00:20:54,380 --> 00:20:55,580 Global warming. Huh? 420 00:20:55,600 --> 00:20:57,920 The food chain collapses, 421 00:20:57,940 --> 00:21:00,710 mass migration and war. 422 00:21:01,850 --> 00:21:03,860 Are now in on the act. 423 00:21:03,880 --> 00:21:06,190 Even singing competitions 424 00:21:06,210 --> 00:21:09,280 # Please change the story Even singing competitions are now in on the act. 425 00:21:09,300 --> 00:21:14,350 # Rewind the clocks 426 00:21:14,370 --> 00:21:16,860 # This beautiful Earth 427 00:21:19,160 --> 00:21:20,610 # Cannot be lost 428 00:21:22,930 --> 00:21:24,470 # Stop hurting our planet 429 00:21:24,490 --> 00:21:31,330 # Like you don't care 430 00:21:31,350 --> 00:21:35,850 # For us to share... # 431 00:21:35,870 --> 00:21:38,280 I was watching that, thinking, 432 00:21:38,300 --> 00:21:41,570 "God, it's awful." It really was. 433 00:21:45,820 --> 00:21:49,460 just how much plastic there is in the judges' faces. 434 00:21:51,960 --> 00:21:54,890 The worst thing, though, were the lyrics. 435 00:21:54,910 --> 00:21:57,220 I've got them here, 436 00:21:57,240 --> 00:21:57,380 I went online and downloaded them. 437 00:21:57,400 --> 00:21:59,410 Take note of this. 438 00:21:59,430 --> 00:22:01,190 Ready? "All the grown-ups 439 00:22:01,210 --> 00:22:04,960 "Wake up and see that you must make a change." 440 00:22:04,980 --> 00:22:06,990 did kids start lecturing adults 441 00:22:07,010 --> 00:22:08,100 I'm sorry, but since when 442 00:22:09,490 --> 00:22:11,500 yelling at Donald Trump. 443 00:22:11,520 --> 00:22:11,660 I mean, take Thunberg 444 00:22:11,680 --> 00:22:13,530 If I shouted 445 00:22:13,550 --> 00:22:15,820 my dad would have been 446 00:22:15,840 --> 00:22:15,920 furious with me. 447 00:22:20,410 --> 00:22:22,330 the audacity to sing, 448 00:22:22,350 --> 00:22:27,170 "Don't listen to the fat cats," in front of Simon Cowell. 449 00:22:27,190 --> 00:22:29,940 They were lucky not to get a clip round the ear. 450 00:22:29,960 --> 00:22:33,180 And it does make me wonder if you reformed 451 00:22:33,210 --> 00:22:35,570 the St Winifred's School Choir today, 452 00:22:37,670 --> 00:22:37,790 what would the lyrics be? 453 00:22:37,810 --> 00:22:41,960 Grandma, we love you? I seriously doubt that. 454 00:22:43,110 --> 00:22:47,040 # Grandma, grandma we hate you 455 00:22:47,060 --> 00:22:55,060 # Burning all the fossil fuels 456 00:22:56,200 --> 00:22:56,510 # Now the birds and bees are gone 457 00:22:56,530 --> 00:23:00,450 # Cos you put your heating on 458 00:23:02,780 --> 00:23:07,960 # Clarkson, Clarkson selfish runt 459 00:23:07,980 --> 00:23:10,290 Whoa! Strong. Too strong. 460 00:23:10,310 --> 00:23:13,400 We're-off-the-air strong. 461 00:23:13,420 --> 00:23:16,700 Stop singing, and we're gonna take a short break. 462 00:23:16,720 --> 00:23:20,150 Back after this. 463 00:23:31,160 --> 00:23:33,170 we covered green issues, 464 00:23:33,190 --> 00:23:34,300 Right. In part two, 465 00:23:34,320 --> 00:23:36,630 which means we must move on 466 00:23:36,650 --> 00:23:37,080 to the other thing 467 00:23:37,100 --> 00:23:40,940 that must now be in every single show on television. 468 00:24:02,190 --> 00:24:03,740 Mm. 469 00:24:15,440 --> 00:24:17,460 I don't mean to impose. 470 00:24:17,480 --> 00:24:18,780 Are you going to watch? 471 00:24:18,800 --> 00:24:21,310 If you wish to continue, 472 00:24:21,330 --> 00:24:21,670 I can just sit quietly and wait. 473 00:24:23,130 --> 00:24:25,580 Now, obviously, there are certain shows and movies 474 00:24:25,600 --> 00:24:27,610 to insert an lesbian scene. 475 00:24:27,630 --> 00:24:28,940 Where you would struggle 476 00:24:33,740 --> 00:24:41,740 And certainly, when I sat down to watch the new remake of Das Boot, 477 00:24:42,980 --> 00:24:46,710 will be able to shoehorn 478 00:24:48,100 --> 00:24:49,960 Oh, how wrong I was. 479 00:25:11,010 --> 00:25:14,600 Has unlocked Pandora's Box. 480 00:25:14,620 --> 00:25:16,380 "Where's the male equivalent?" 481 00:25:16,400 --> 00:25:20,580 I mean, take the world of Formula 1. 482 00:25:20,600 --> 00:25:21,850 So statistically, 483 00:25:21,870 --> 00:25:24,170 quite a few of them 484 00:25:24,190 --> 00:25:24,550 are going to be gay. 485 00:25:24,570 --> 00:25:26,580 New series Drive To Survive, 486 00:25:26,600 --> 00:25:27,750 But if you look at Netflix's 487 00:25:27,770 --> 00:25:29,780 there's no evidence of it at all. 488 00:25:29,800 --> 00:25:32,110 Which is very good, by the way, 489 00:25:32,130 --> 00:25:33,490 Oh, yeah. 490 00:25:46,980 --> 00:25:49,740 Dye it? Just don't wash it, mate. 491 00:25:49,760 --> 00:25:52,160 You know I should actually... 492 00:25:52,180 --> 00:25:52,830 I'm not just saying that. 493 00:25:52,850 --> 00:25:55,630 No, not really. 494 00:25:55,650 --> 00:25:57,660 No, not really. 495 00:25:57,680 --> 00:25:59,330 F 496 00:25:59,350 --> 00:26:01,770 I haven't seen anything 497 00:26:01,790 --> 00:26:03,350 quite so overtly heterosexual 498 00:26:03,370 --> 00:26:05,270 in Top Gun. 499 00:26:07,480 --> 00:26:09,740 Now, have you noticed 500 00:26:09,760 --> 00:26:10,300 how University Challenge 501 00:26:10,320 --> 00:26:12,330 with stupid names? 502 00:26:12,350 --> 00:26:14,580 Seems to attract contestants 503 00:26:15,800 --> 00:26:18,140 é 504 00:26:22,210 --> 00:26:22,390 F 505 00:26:22,410 --> 00:26:24,420 F 506 00:26:26,770 --> 00:26:26,860 F 507 00:26:28,960 --> 00:26:29,310 F 508 00:26:42,730 --> 00:26:44,740 Mandate is correct. 509 00:26:44,760 --> 00:26:45,100 Mandate. 510 00:26:49,630 --> 00:26:52,610 And that is my favourite there, Jesus Cashman. 511 00:26:52,630 --> 00:26:56,160 Now, the thing is, we all know students like a prank. 512 00:26:56,180 --> 00:26:57,780 So how's this for a plan? 513 00:26:57,800 --> 00:26:59,810 Yes, OK? 514 00:26:59,830 --> 00:27:00,190 You've got Randle and Lamb. 515 00:27:00,210 --> 00:27:02,210 And you need two more contestants, 516 00:27:02,230 --> 00:27:06,060 and you're gonna be tempted to go for people 517 00:27:06,080 --> 00:27:06,880 or physics. 518 00:27:06,900 --> 00:27:13,780 Wrong. Choose them for their names. 519 00:27:13,800 --> 00:27:15,360 And hey presto, you get this. 520 00:27:15,380 --> 00:27:18,560 Woah, Black-Betty, Randle, Lamb. 521 00:27:18,580 --> 00:27:20,480 Brilliant! 522 00:27:20,510 --> 00:27:22,240 I mean, Woah, thick as pig shit, 523 00:27:22,260 --> 00:27:24,500 cos she gave you a laugh. 524 00:27:24,520 --> 00:27:25,940 It's like when you play Scrabble. 525 00:27:25,960 --> 00:27:28,220 Yes, you could get "underpass" 526 00:27:28,240 --> 00:27:29,910 on a... two treble word scores 527 00:27:29,930 --> 00:27:32,190 and that'd get you 179 points, 528 00:27:32,210 --> 00:27:34,110 but that's not playing properly. 529 00:27:34,130 --> 00:27:39,550 The right thing to do is to settle for four points, 530 00:27:39,570 --> 00:27:40,610 you put down is "arse". 531 00:27:42,050 --> 00:27:45,500 to look at some morons 532 00:27:45,520 --> 00:27:48,600 making fools of themselves on other quiz shows. 533 00:27:48,620 --> 00:27:50,630 That circles which English city?' 534 00:27:50,650 --> 00:27:53,680 'The M25 is an orbital motorway 535 00:27:53,700 --> 00:27:55,710 It's London. 536 00:27:55,730 --> 00:27:58,240 England? 537 00:27:58,260 --> 00:27:59,320 Abbreviated to H P? 538 00:27:59,340 --> 00:28:01,640 Er, Houses of Parliament. 539 00:28:01,660 --> 00:28:01,750 Horsepower. 540 00:28:01,770 --> 00:28:04,100 I need five capital cities 541 00:28:04,120 --> 00:28:04,850 outside of the UK 542 00:28:04,870 --> 00:28:07,780 that are further north than London. 543 00:28:09,340 --> 00:28:11,350 £ 544 00:28:11,370 --> 00:28:12,660 Manchester. 545 00:28:14,960 --> 00:28:15,820 Between 1991 and 1999, 546 00:28:15,840 --> 00:28:20,990 Peter Schmeichel was a goalkeeper for which English football club? 547 00:28:21,010 --> 00:28:21,190 Germany. 548 00:28:22,490 --> 00:28:23,990 Which ENGLISH football club? 549 00:28:24,010 --> 00:28:30,030 The didgeridoo is a traditional 550 00:28:30,050 --> 00:28:30,390 Australia. 551 00:28:30,410 --> 00:28:32,880 "Papillion" is the French word 552 00:28:32,900 --> 00:28:33,440 for which flying insect? 553 00:28:34,770 --> 00:28:36,380 Butterfly. 554 00:28:38,590 --> 00:28:38,680 So let's just get this straight. 555 00:28:38,700 --> 00:28:41,020 One of those contestants 556 00:28:41,040 --> 00:28:43,260 has gone through life 557 00:28:43,280 --> 00:28:44,520 is a flying insect? 558 00:28:44,540 --> 00:28:46,960 So she must know 559 00:28:46,980 --> 00:28:47,710 she's not that bright, 560 00:28:47,730 --> 00:28:50,980 and yet, she still woke up one morning and thought, 561 00:28:51,000 --> 00:28:53,010 I'll go on a quiz show." 562 00:28:53,030 --> 00:28:53,160 "Yeah, I think 563 00:28:54,610 --> 00:29:00,020 she is not the most stupid person 564 00:29:00,040 --> 00:29:02,050 my house will be like a museum 565 00:29:02,070 --> 00:29:04,230 And I think one day, like, 566 00:29:04,250 --> 00:29:06,570 for people when I die. 567 00:29:08,970 --> 00:29:10,930 You can pay to go and walk round Elvis's house. 568 00:29:10,950 --> 00:29:12,960 In my lifetime. 569 00:29:12,980 --> 00:29:13,160 I think that is gonna happen 570 00:29:14,810 --> 00:29:20,950 Gemma Collins there thinking that her house 571 00:29:20,970 --> 00:29:22,300 what "lifetime" means. 572 00:29:22,320 --> 00:29:27,130 And then there's Louise Redknapp, 573 00:29:27,150 --> 00:29:29,160 meant by the word "autobiography". 574 00:29:29,180 --> 00:29:30,630 Who it seems is unsure about what's 575 00:29:30,650 --> 00:29:33,540 I think people are describing it as an autobiography, 576 00:29:33,560 --> 00:29:35,570 if I can explain it, 577 00:29:35,590 --> 00:29:35,930 but it's actually more, 578 00:29:35,950 --> 00:29:38,210 I've really just talked about 579 00:29:38,230 --> 00:29:39,480 certain stages in my life, 580 00:29:39,500 --> 00:29:41,770 right from, you know, when I was younger 581 00:29:41,790 --> 00:29:45,730 right till now and then the second part of the chapter 582 00:29:45,750 --> 00:29:47,440 is just kind of 583 00:29:48,840 --> 00:29:50,850 that IS an autobiography. 584 00:29:50,870 --> 00:29:55,230 Yeah, Louise, 585 00:29:55,250 --> 00:29:57,240 that was the best TV could do 586 00:29:57,260 --> 00:29:57,800 And just when you thought 587 00:29:57,820 --> 00:30:00,100 to make your brain collapse 588 00:30:00,120 --> 00:30:02,020 in on itself like an imploding star, 589 00:30:02,040 --> 00:30:06,130 along came a new show called 590 00:30:06,150 --> 00:30:07,320 To Your Hair? 591 00:30:07,340 --> 00:30:09,790 'Would you risk your hair for £500?' 592 00:30:09,810 --> 00:30:12,090 You look like you've been electrocuted. 593 00:30:12,110 --> 00:30:14,870 'Two friends, one picks a crazy haircut...' 594 00:30:16,510 --> 00:30:18,520 for cash. 595 00:30:18,540 --> 00:30:19,850 '..The other answers questions 596 00:30:19,870 --> 00:30:23,870 'But one wrong answer could cost them big. 597 00:30:23,890 --> 00:30:26,240 And keep the cash?' 598 00:30:28,000 --> 00:30:30,010 and get the crazy cut? 599 00:30:30,030 --> 00:30:30,370 'Or lose it all 600 00:30:30,390 --> 00:30:32,940 'This is Darling, 601 00:30:32,960 --> 00:30:37,210 What Have You Done To Your Hair?' 602 00:30:37,230 --> 00:30:39,240 like that gets on television 603 00:30:39,260 --> 00:30:39,650 Now, the reason why inane drivel 604 00:30:39,670 --> 00:30:41,690 believe they need to dumb down, 605 00:30:41,710 --> 00:30:43,740 is that TV producers 606 00:30:43,760 --> 00:30:46,370 because the viewer can't handle complexity. 607 00:30:46,390 --> 00:30:50,150 However, a few hours after 40,000 people 608 00:30:50,170 --> 00:30:54,540 watched that idiot give someone a haircut, 609 00:30:54,560 --> 00:30:56,570 to watch this. 610 00:30:56,590 --> 00:31:01,490 14 million people tuned in 611 00:31:01,510 --> 00:31:01,850 at over 11,000 cases 612 00:31:03,140 --> 00:31:07,370 50 over 55, or 55% protection... 613 00:31:07,390 --> 00:31:13,020 Led to a 72% reduction in the number of people who developed... 614 00:31:13,040 --> 00:31:17,240 Of those, 86% are people within groups one to four... 615 00:31:17,260 --> 00:31:21,740 At 21 days, after just one dose of the vaccine... 616 00:31:21,760 --> 00:31:23,660 The great majority for whom have now been vaccinated 617 00:31:23,680 --> 00:31:27,900 make up 58% of those people... 618 00:31:27,920 --> 00:31:31,400 to 86% if they had a second dose. 619 00:31:31,420 --> 00:31:33,770 And we all understood 620 00:31:33,800 --> 00:31:34,540 every single word. 621 00:31:35,740 --> 00:31:37,790 Honestly, 622 00:31:37,810 --> 00:31:37,950 this is why I love television. 623 00:31:37,970 --> 00:31:41,310 It's got people who think dogs can fly, 624 00:31:41,330 --> 00:31:44,000 and lesbians and Matt Baker saying "Oh, my word", 625 00:31:44,020 --> 00:31:46,430 ancl documentaries about aircraft carriers 626 00:31:46,450 --> 00:31:50,920 and debates on Persian art, and Chris Whitty and sometimes, 627 00:31:50,940 --> 00:31:56,030 you find a nugget of pure genius, like this from the BBC's Orla Guerin 628 00:31:56,050 --> 00:32:01,730 on the crisis in Yemen. 629 00:32:01,750 --> 00:32:06,140 Down below it's mathematics, over here, it's Arabic language. 630 00:32:06,160 --> 00:32:09,230 Has already taught these children 631 00:32:09,250 --> 00:32:10,900 to be resilient. 632 00:32:10,920 --> 00:32:14,000 They say the pupils rarely miss a day. 633 00:32:14,020 --> 00:32:16,030 They're hungry for education. 634 00:32:16,050 --> 00:32:20,250 Now more than ever, 635 00:32:20,270 --> 00:32:21,310 have been extraordinary. 636 00:32:21,330 --> 00:32:23,760 The story she told about 637 00:32:23,780 --> 00:32:26,650 kids being shot by snipers 638 00:32:26,670 --> 00:32:28,680 It was epic journalism. 639 00:32:28,700 --> 00:32:29,030 Was harrowing beyond belief. 640 00:32:29,050 --> 00:32:31,370 And it was delivered to you 641 00:32:31,390 --> 00:32:33,760 by exactly the same machine 642 00:32:33,780 --> 00:32:35,180 that also brought you this. 643 00:32:35,200 --> 00:32:37,970 Lucas, my vagina is on fire. 644 00:32:37,990 --> 00:32:40,610 I feel like I'm getting an infection. 645 00:32:44,920 --> 00:32:46,560 It stinks, doesn't it? 646 00:32:50,970 --> 00:32:52,900 Oh, my word! Good night. 647 00:32:55,540 --> 00:32:57,040 Subtitles by accessibility@itv.com 647 00:32:58,305 --> 00:33:58,268