"It's Clarkson on TV" Episode #3.1

1 00:00:06,000 --> 00:00:12,074 2 00:00:22,190 --> 00:00:23,840 Thank you. 3 00:00:23,860 --> 00:00:27,480 Hello, and welcome to It's Clarkson On TV. 4 00:00:27,500 --> 00:00:29,120 Here's how it works. 5 00:00:29,140 --> 00:00:31,960 I review something I've seen on the television, 6 00:00:31,980 --> 00:00:34,170 and then you stand on your head 7 00:00:34,190 --> 00:00:36,960 while I ask you the capital of Mozambique. 8 00:00:36,980 --> 00:00:39,370 And if you know it's Maputo, 9 00:00:39,390 --> 00:00:42,930 your partner puts a block on a sort of seesaw. 10 00:00:42,950 --> 00:00:45,570 But if you DON'T know what it is... 11 00:00:45,590 --> 00:00:47,840 No, wait, this'd never work. 12 00:00:47,860 --> 00:00:49,370 Would it, Gordon? 13 00:00:50,550 --> 00:00:52,480 12 zones on the board. 14 00:00:52,500 --> 00:00:54,890 12 questions to be answered. 15 00:00:54,910 --> 00:00:58,370 Which zone you face when is luck of the draw. 16 00:00:58,390 --> 00:01:00,370 How you play it is down to you. 17 00:01:00,390 --> 00:01:03,960 12 stacks of bars, but only the gold ones add money. 18 00:01:03,980 --> 00:01:07,370 The bigger the stack you choose, the more it's worth - 19 00:01:07,390 --> 00:01:09,650 but the more the board will tilt. 20 00:01:09,670 --> 00:01:15,450 Silver bars won't add cash, but will help balance the board. 21 00:01:15,470 --> 00:01:18,840 Answer questions quickly, stack the bars. 22 00:01:18,860 --> 00:01:21,650 But get one wrong or run out of time, 23 00:01:21,670 --> 00:01:23,960 and you have to add a penalty. 24 00:01:23,980 --> 00:01:27,090 To win the total you've stacked, up to £100,000, 25 00:01:27,110 --> 00:01:29,090 you must complete the board. 26 00:01:29,110 --> 00:01:32,170 But if, at any time, it tips over, 27 00:01:32,190 --> 00:01:34,570 you crash out with nothing. 28 00:01:34,590 --> 00:01:36,120 It's simple. 29 00:01:36,140 --> 00:01:37,840 Yes, Gordon. 30 00:01:37,860 --> 00:01:39,570 It's simple in the same way 31 00:01:39,590 --> 00:01:43,730 that it's simple to explain the Maastricht Treaty to an otter. 32 00:01:44,910 --> 00:01:48,210 I think Gordon's problem is that he's a TV chef, 33 00:01:48,230 --> 00:01:51,890 and all TV chefs make out that what they're doing is easy, 34 00:01:51,910 --> 00:01:53,650 when it never is. 35 00:01:53,670 --> 00:01:56,250 They actually say, "Simply make a roux, 36 00:01:56,270 --> 00:01:58,960 "clarify the butter, and then bone the quail." 37 00:01:58,980 --> 00:02:02,120 And while you're rummaging around in the back of a kitchen cupboard, 38 00:02:02,140 --> 00:02:04,320 looking for your quail-boning equipment 39 00:02:04,340 --> 00:02:07,320 and then realising you don't have any roux in the fridge, 40 00:02:07,340 --> 00:02:11,250 they've moved on to making a jus out of a diced guava heart. 41 00:02:11,270 --> 00:02:14,930 Things are much simpler in America. 42 00:02:31,470 --> 00:02:33,650 Yup, it's the only cooking show 43 00:02:33,670 --> 00:02:36,480 where the dishes have a "street value". 44 00:02:38,030 --> 00:02:39,930 My favourite episode is the one 45 00:02:39,950 --> 00:02:43,650 where there's a cook who can't remember what it is she's forgotten. 46 00:02:43,670 --> 00:02:47,120 Where the fuck did I put my, um... thing? 47 00:02:47,140 --> 00:02:49,570 That's where you put the thing. OK. 48 00:02:49,590 --> 00:02:52,040 Where's my knife? Where's my shit? 49 00:02:52,060 --> 00:02:53,400 Shit, shit, shit, shit. 50 00:02:53,420 --> 00:02:56,450 Forgot what I was looking for. What the fuck was I looking for? 51 00:02:56,470 --> 00:02:57,810 Mm. 52 00:02:57,830 --> 00:03:01,650 And I'm afraid the tasting panel aren't much better. 53 00:03:01,670 --> 00:03:03,450 I'm into it, you guys. So am I. 54 00:03:03,470 --> 00:03:05,120 I taste the weed. 55 00:03:07,030 --> 00:03:09,400 I love the taste of unicorns. 56 00:03:09,420 --> 00:03:12,240 I definitely feel... 57 00:03:12,260 --> 00:03:14,960 I'm getting a little self-conscious. 58 00:03:14,980 --> 00:03:17,450 You're amazing. Can I just tell you, you're amazing. 59 00:03:17,470 --> 00:03:18,600 YOU'RE amazing. 60 00:03:18,620 --> 00:03:21,010 You like whipped cream? Do you like whipped cream? 61 00:03:21,030 --> 00:03:24,320 Do you like eating it off of somebody's body? 62 00:03:26,750 --> 00:03:30,010 Then, after that coherent debate on the cuisine, 63 00:03:30,030 --> 00:03:33,810 they all went to the 24-hour petrol station for some jaffa Cakes. 64 00:03:35,830 --> 00:03:38,530 Anyway, there's another cooking show in America 65 00:03:38,550 --> 00:03:41,600 where some Herbert drones on and on 66 00:03:41,620 --> 00:03:45,890 in the same way that wine snobs here drone on about wine juice. 67 00:03:45,910 --> 00:03:49,320 But this guy in the States is not talking about wine. 68 00:03:49,340 --> 00:03:51,530 He's talking about cannabis. 69 00:03:51,550 --> 00:03:55,730 Girl Scout is a cross between OG Kush and Durban Poison, 70 00:03:55,750 --> 00:03:57,290 which is a classic old-school, 71 00:03:57,310 --> 00:03:59,730 land-raised South African super high sativa. 72 00:03:59,750 --> 00:04:02,930 So while the OG Kush gives it the nice indica-dominant feel, 73 00:04:02,950 --> 00:04:05,760 the sativa and the Durban keeps you from going too far over the edge. 74 00:04:05,780 --> 00:04:07,090 It's a nice daytime thing. 75 00:04:07,110 --> 00:04:09,650 Known for its high THC count, so be careful. 76 00:04:09,670 --> 00:04:12,400 "A nice daytime thing"? 77 00:04:12,420 --> 00:04:15,530 What, like this breakfast gin? An ideal pick-me-up 78 00:04:15,550 --> 00:04:18,210 before I head into town to spend the rest of the day 79 00:04:18,230 --> 00:04:21,400 rambling incoherently at people on buses. 80 00:04:21,420 --> 00:04:25,120 Course, not all cookery shows involve drugs. 81 00:04:25,140 --> 00:04:26,930 Ainsley Harriott's, for example. 82 00:04:26,950 --> 00:04:29,400 Like a little food processor. 83 00:04:29,420 --> 00:04:32,960 Turn it up, it goes... 84 00:04:34,750 --> 00:04:36,170 Squeeze it. 85 00:04:36,190 --> 00:04:40,150 # Cream, coffee and booze 86 00:04:40,170 --> 00:04:44,150 # Creates a tiramisu. # 87 00:04:51,930 --> 00:04:54,790 Go on, get lost. 88 00:04:59,850 --> 00:05:02,380 Where does he THINK he is? 89 00:05:02,400 --> 00:05:04,710 Probably in Mary Berry's ketamine kitchen. 90 00:05:06,200 --> 00:05:08,820 Let's talk now about a BAFTA-winning show 91 00:05:08,840 --> 00:05:11,710 called Cruising With Jane McDonald, which is... 92 00:05:11,730 --> 00:05:13,460 not what you think it is. 93 00:05:13,480 --> 00:05:15,020 It's actually a chance 94 00:05:15,040 --> 00:05:17,380 for Jane to show us that cruises aren't just 95 00:05:17,400 --> 00:05:21,820 boats full of middle-aged women on the prowl for their third husbands. 96 00:05:21,850 --> 00:05:24,010 Good-looking? Yeah, he good-looking. 97 00:05:24,030 --> 00:05:26,900 He's young. Things are looking up! 98 00:05:26,930 --> 00:05:28,180 Is he married? 99 00:05:31,850 --> 00:05:34,730 Are you married? 100 00:05:34,750 --> 00:05:36,180 Oh. Are you sure? 101 00:05:36,200 --> 00:05:39,780 Are you married? Not yet. Not yet! Whoo! 102 00:05:39,800 --> 00:05:42,180 Are you married, Captain? No? 103 00:05:42,200 --> 00:05:45,140 Are you married yet? Not yet. Not yet? Ah... 104 00:05:45,160 --> 00:05:47,180 Are you still married, by the way? 105 00:05:47,200 --> 00:05:49,370 Oh. There you go. Anyway... 106 00:05:49,390 --> 00:05:52,700 Are you married? Yeah. Yeah. 107 00:05:52,720 --> 00:05:54,980 You all married? ALL: 108 00:05:55,000 --> 00:05:57,730 Hey, girls and boys, still single. 109 00:05:57,750 --> 00:06:01,170 They're not gonna marry you, Jane. They're the Village People. 110 00:06:03,080 --> 00:06:06,060 We must now talk about a programme called 111 00:06:06,080 --> 00:06:09,570 Around The World By Train With Tony Robinson, 112 00:06:09,590 --> 00:06:12,650 which stars Tony Robinson, who I hate. 113 00:06:12,670 --> 00:06:15,860 And here he is, showing us around Paris. 114 00:06:15,880 --> 00:06:18,260 Yay! Paris! 115 00:06:18,280 --> 00:06:20,450 As soon as you step out of the station, 116 00:06:20,470 --> 00:06:23,260 it just looks so foreign, doesn't it? 117 00:06:23,280 --> 00:06:25,180 Here we are. 118 00:06:25,200 --> 00:06:28,930 The Eiffel Tower. Have a good look, cos we're not hanging around. 119 00:06:28,950 --> 00:06:30,900 Let's go. 120 00:06:30,920 --> 00:06:33,260 'Scuse me, coming through. 121 00:06:33,280 --> 00:06:35,260 Sacre Coeur. 122 00:06:35,280 --> 00:06:37,980 But every year, more than 33 million people visit it. 123 00:06:38,000 --> 00:06:40,930 Beyond that yellow bus, there's the Eiffel Tower. 124 00:06:40,950 --> 00:06:43,500 This is the Place de la Concorde. 125 00:06:43,520 --> 00:06:46,370 You've got the Champs-Elysees there. 126 00:06:46,390 --> 00:06:50,060 I learned more about Paris watching 'Allo 'Allo. 127 00:06:52,280 --> 00:06:55,090 But then Tony said he was going to Stuttgart, and I thought, 128 00:06:55,110 --> 00:06:57,570 "Good. I don't know anything about Stuttgart, 129 00:06:57,590 --> 00:06:59,780 "except that Porsche is based there." 130 00:06:59,800 --> 00:07:03,420 So I was looking forward to hearing what Baldrick had to say about it. 131 00:07:03,440 --> 00:07:05,370 And here he is arriving there. 132 00:07:05,390 --> 00:07:08,260 I've left the French capital and rejoined the rails 133 00:07:08,280 --> 00:07:11,860 for the next leg of my journey, on a quick train to Stuttgart. 134 00:07:14,360 --> 00:07:17,260 From here, it's about three hours on to Munich. 135 00:07:18,520 --> 00:07:20,010 That was it! 136 00:07:20,030 --> 00:07:23,290 So all we know about Stuttgart is that it's got a station. 137 00:07:23,310 --> 00:07:24,650 But never mind, 138 00:07:24,670 --> 00:07:28,420 because now we're sitting down for a good, long look at Munich. 139 00:07:28,440 --> 00:07:31,060 Oh, and I should say that at the beginning of this show, 140 00:07:31,080 --> 00:07:33,860 Tony said he wasn't gonna do any cliched stuff. 141 00:07:33,880 --> 00:07:35,140 So in Munich, 142 00:07:35,160 --> 00:07:37,810 he certainly wasn't going to drink a massive beer 143 00:07:37,830 --> 00:07:39,980 while wearing lederhosen. 144 00:07:40,000 --> 00:07:43,140 This place has been here since 1589. 145 00:07:43,160 --> 00:07:46,260 It's incredibly famous. Everyone's drunk here: 146 00:07:46,280 --> 00:07:48,090 Hitler, Lenin... 147 00:07:48,110 --> 00:07:50,140 II 148 00:07:50,160 --> 00:07:54,060 Well, I haven't. There's actually a book that accompanies this series. 149 00:07:54,080 --> 00:07:56,700 Well, I say "book", it's actually a pamphlet. 150 00:07:56,720 --> 00:07:59,730 And if you think Tony was annoyingly brief 151 00:07:59,750 --> 00:08:02,140 in his coverage of major European cities, 152 00:08:02,160 --> 00:08:03,980 I should tell you that this is a man 153 00:08:04,000 --> 00:08:08,450 who once made a programme called The Second World War... 154 00:08:08,470 --> 00:08:11,930 which was 45 minutes long. 155 00:08:11,950 --> 00:08:14,980 "There was an Austrian painter, and then he shot himself." 156 00:08:15,000 --> 00:08:16,570 And that was the end. 157 00:08:16,590 --> 00:08:20,010 It was actually part of a ground-breaking television event 158 00:08:20,030 --> 00:08:23,060 that covered 500 years of history. 159 00:08:23,080 --> 00:08:26,370 In this series, I want to discover the other side of history. 160 00:08:26,390 --> 00:08:28,340 From the Tudors... 161 00:08:28,360 --> 00:08:31,140 You'll see why it did attract my attention! 162 00:08:31,160 --> 00:08:32,450 Disgusting. 163 00:08:32,470 --> 00:08:34,290 ...to the Victorians. 164 00:08:34,310 --> 00:08:35,730 Now, I should explain 165 00:08:35,750 --> 00:08:39,210 that was the punchy, grab-you-by-the-nuts trailer. 166 00:08:39,230 --> 00:08:41,860 The actual series was much shorter. 167 00:08:41,880 --> 00:08:43,620 It was basically, 168 00:08:43,640 --> 00:08:46,980 "There were dinosaurs, and then pyramids and then Jedward." 169 00:08:47,000 --> 00:08:49,060 Now, while you watch some adverts, 170 00:08:49,080 --> 00:08:52,290 I'm going to read one of Tony Robinson's books. 171 00:08:52,310 --> 00:08:54,210 I've got a selection of them here. 172 00:08:54,230 --> 00:08:55,860 There's Tony Robinson's 173 00:08:55,880 --> 00:08:58,450 Transgender Issues Within Sport: 174 00:08:58,470 --> 00:09:01,650 From International Competition To Local Changing Rooms. 175 00:09:03,470 --> 00:09:06,860 This is a good one. The Israeli-Palestine Conflict. 176 00:09:06,880 --> 00:09:09,540 Bit wordy for Tony, that one. 177 00:09:09,560 --> 00:09:11,980 The Complete History Of The British Empire. 178 00:09:12,000 --> 00:09:15,140 See you in a minute. 179 00:09:23,970 --> 00:09:26,110 Welcome back. Um, it was quite good. 180 00:09:26,130 --> 00:09:27,750 Bit of slavery. 181 00:09:27,770 --> 00:09:31,590 Um... And then all ended by Ben Kingsley in his underpants. 182 00:09:31,610 --> 00:09:34,000 Oh, and Robinson... 183 00:09:34,020 --> 00:09:36,360 I haven't finished with you yet, because... 184 00:09:36,380 --> 00:09:38,670 of all the people from Blackadder, 185 00:09:38,690 --> 00:09:40,920 how come you're the only one who got a knighthood? 186 00:09:40,940 --> 00:09:43,720 Rowan Atkinson, Stephen Fry, Hugh Laurie. 187 00:09:43,740 --> 00:09:45,160 None of them got one. 188 00:09:45,180 --> 00:09:48,560 People who wrote it, Ben Elton, Richard Curtis. No Sirs for them. 189 00:09:48,580 --> 00:09:51,000 Miranda Richardson isn't a Dame. 190 00:09:51,020 --> 00:09:54,640 Dunno. Perhaps you got yours for services to brevity. 191 00:09:54,660 --> 00:09:56,190 And if there was a prize 192 00:09:56,210 --> 00:09:59,000 for the most pretentious programme on television, 193 00:09:59,020 --> 00:10:00,920 I think I've found a winner. 194 00:10:00,940 --> 00:10:02,520 It's called Art Club, 195 00:10:02,540 --> 00:10:05,280 and it's hosted by a spectacle enthusiast 196 00:10:05,300 --> 00:10:07,230 called Grayson Perry. 197 00:10:07,250 --> 00:10:09,520 It's one of the most delicate things I've ever made, 198 00:10:09,540 --> 00:10:12,280 and it's a little bit frightening because of that. 199 00:10:12,300 --> 00:10:16,920 He's a kind of a... Hindu deity, 200 00:10:16,940 --> 00:10:21,200 mixed with a Christian reliquary... 201 00:10:21,220 --> 00:10:23,470 Madonna and child, 202 00:10:23,490 --> 00:10:26,920 with Alan as the kind of... 203 00:10:26,940 --> 00:10:30,030 surrogate father goddess. 204 00:10:30,050 --> 00:10:34,670 You might think it couldn't possibly get more pretentious than that, 205 00:10:34,690 --> 00:10:37,720 but then his wife piped up. 206 00:10:37,740 --> 00:10:40,390 Your God, your mother... 207 00:10:40,410 --> 00:10:43,670 your father, all rolled into one here. Yeah. 208 00:10:43,690 --> 00:10:47,390 Looking after a little inner child here. 209 00:10:47,410 --> 00:10:50,720 It's you looking after you, isn't it? 210 00:10:50,740 --> 00:10:52,110 It's true. 211 00:10:52,130 --> 00:10:55,310 Bet those two have never seen Top Gear. 212 00:10:55,330 --> 00:10:58,080 It's like listening to a party political broadcast 213 00:10:58,100 --> 00:11:00,000 for the Liberal Democrats. 214 00:11:00,020 --> 00:11:02,440 And it's not just those two, because sometimes, 215 00:11:02,460 --> 00:11:06,310 they invite a guest to come along and be pretentious as well. 216 00:11:21,380 --> 00:11:23,750 I wasn't calling it... I was just... 217 00:11:23,770 --> 00:11:28,230 Now, The Voice. One of the biggest shows on TV. 218 00:11:28,250 --> 00:11:31,870 I've never seen it, but I was told people come on and sing, 219 00:11:31,890 --> 00:11:34,390 and the judges can't see them, and it's all very nice. 220 00:11:34,410 --> 00:11:36,030 So I decided to have a look. 221 00:11:36,050 --> 00:11:38,080 You like bread? Yeah, I love bread. 222 00:11:38,100 --> 00:11:41,640 Just the whitest bread. 223 00:11:41,660 --> 00:11:44,470 I like baguettes. You know, those French baguettes. 224 00:11:44,490 --> 00:11:47,110 Do you like them? 225 00:11:47,130 --> 00:11:49,590 Oh, I do love tiger bread as well. 226 00:11:49,610 --> 00:11:51,360 Yeah, I like gluten-free bread. 227 00:11:51,380 --> 00:11:53,750 Very gripping, I'm sure, 228 00:11:53,770 --> 00:11:56,640 to hear that will.i.am is gluten intolerant. 229 00:11:56,660 --> 00:12:00,280 And that Sirjones likes a baguette. 230 00:12:00,300 --> 00:12:02,870 Wonder what Tony Robinson can tell us about bread? 231 00:12:02,890 --> 00:12:07,390 A flatbread, like something that you get in the kebab shop. 232 00:12:07,410 --> 00:12:10,080 Not much. 233 00:12:10,100 --> 00:12:14,310 Weird, though, that he thinks there were kebab shops in 1790. 234 00:12:14,330 --> 00:12:16,590 For people, perhaps, who didn't want a Big Mac. 235 00:12:16,610 --> 00:12:20,230 Or, as Tony would call it, to save time, "a Big". 236 00:12:20,250 --> 00:12:22,870 Now, I don't want to talk about Sir Robinson any more, 237 00:12:22,890 --> 00:12:25,030 because I want to move onto Gregg Wallace 238 00:12:25,050 --> 00:12:27,800 and his love of the word "however". 239 00:12:27,820 --> 00:12:29,280 I find the sauce a little bland. 240 00:12:29,300 --> 00:12:32,590 However, I find the smokiness of the fishcake inspired. 241 00:12:32,610 --> 00:12:35,030 Tropical sunshine! It was lovely. 242 00:12:35,050 --> 00:12:38,470 However, what I didn't think worked at all was the coconut snow. 243 00:12:38,490 --> 00:12:40,830 That sharp raspberry with the pistachio is a nice flavour. 244 00:12:40,850 --> 00:12:43,160 However, the pastry was far too hard. 245 00:12:43,180 --> 00:12:46,470 It's some real theatre. However... 246 00:12:46,490 --> 00:12:48,870 in my opinion, there's a little bit too much going on there. 247 00:12:48,890 --> 00:12:51,520 I like the way that your bird is cooked. 248 00:12:51,540 --> 00:12:54,590 However, I want the confit to be softer. 249 00:12:54,610 --> 00:12:57,310 It's nicely flavoured. However, the beefy mushroom flavour 250 00:12:57,330 --> 00:13:01,230 going through the soft potato and onion one is absolutely delicious. 251 00:13:01,250 --> 00:13:04,310 I don't like those mushroom balls. However, I love everything else. 252 00:13:04,330 --> 00:13:06,720 It's rich, and it's sweet, and it's chocolatey, 253 00:13:06,740 --> 00:13:08,560 and it tastes great. However, the texture, 254 00:13:08,580 --> 00:13:10,750 it needed to cook a little bit longer. 255 00:13:10,770 --> 00:13:12,360 It needed more pear. 256 00:13:12,380 --> 00:13:15,280 However, he made me a vinegar ice cream. 257 00:13:15,300 --> 00:13:19,750 Sounds like a GCSE lesson where they learn about conjunctions. 258 00:13:19,770 --> 00:13:21,670 "L am happily married. 259 00:13:21,690 --> 00:13:24,720 "However, I've just been on Twitter, and now I'm not." 260 00:13:26,380 --> 00:13:28,720 Meanwhile, on the news, we have Huw Edwards, 261 00:13:28,740 --> 00:13:32,390 who's become very attached to the word "now". 262 00:13:32,410 --> 00:13:34,280 Now on BBC One... Now, the European Union... 263 00:13:34,300 --> 00:13:35,920 Now, the First Minister of Scotland... 264 00:13:35,940 --> 00:13:37,230 Now, a five-step plan... 265 00:13:37,250 --> 00:13:39,160 Now, the Conservative MP... Now, last night... 266 00:13:39,180 --> 00:13:40,830 Now, experts in the care sector... 267 00:13:40,850 --> 00:13:43,160 Now, all schools... Now, the Cheltenham Festival... 268 00:13:43,180 --> 00:13:47,390 Now, from tomorrow, more than 70,000 Uber minicab drivers... 269 00:13:47,410 --> 00:13:51,230 To be honest, that is fair enough. He is presenting the news. 270 00:13:51,250 --> 00:13:54,720 You want to hear the word "now" in a programme about the news. 271 00:13:54,740 --> 00:13:56,920 If he was presenting a history programme, 272 00:13:56,940 --> 00:14:00,030 he'd begin every sentence with "then". 273 00:14:00,050 --> 00:14:02,720 Also, have you noticed that his new haircut 274 00:14:02,740 --> 00:14:06,200 makes him look like he's in an advert for erectile dysfunction? 275 00:14:09,180 --> 00:14:11,360 Now... Oh, God, it's catching. 276 00:14:11,380 --> 00:14:13,830 Er, but anyway, while we're on the subject of words, 277 00:14:13,850 --> 00:14:15,360 there's a trend in television 278 00:14:15,380 --> 00:14:17,870 to make boring shows sound less boring 279 00:14:17,890 --> 00:14:21,830 by putting words like "critical" or "ultimate" or "extreme" 280 00:14:21,850 --> 00:14:25,190 in the title. It's surely only a matter of time 281 00:14:25,210 --> 00:14:28,110 before we get Ultimate Antiques Roadshow, 282 00:14:28,130 --> 00:14:30,830 or Extreme Points Of View. 283 00:14:30,850 --> 00:14:33,000 Oh, wait, we've already got that. 284 00:14:33,020 --> 00:14:35,160 That's the Jeremy Vine radio show. 285 00:14:36,770 --> 00:14:41,470 Good example of this is a programme called Critical Incident. 286 00:14:44,380 --> 00:14:47,230 Oh, there it is. There it is. 287 00:14:52,330 --> 00:14:55,390 It's just an empty suitcase. Someone probably, er... 288 00:14:55,410 --> 00:14:58,310 just wanted to get it binned. Nothing in there. 289 00:15:00,770 --> 00:15:04,280 We'll dispose of it so we don't get any further calls. 290 00:15:07,180 --> 00:15:10,030 Get rid of this for us, please? Yeah, sure. It was just left here. 291 00:15:10,050 --> 00:15:12,390 Not exactly The Hurt Locker, is it? 292 00:15:14,300 --> 00:15:17,160 Because what they did there was find an empty suitcase, 293 00:15:17,180 --> 00:15:19,360 realise it was an empty suitcase 294 00:15:19,380 --> 00:15:21,390 and then give it to a passing cleaner. 295 00:15:21,410 --> 00:15:25,030 Now, I'm not saying the police NEVER deal with critical incidents. 296 00:15:25,050 --> 00:15:26,590 Of course they do. 297 00:15:26,610 --> 00:15:30,160 But the flaw with this programme is they can only ever show us 298 00:15:30,180 --> 00:15:33,200 what happened when the film crew was there. 299 00:15:33,220 --> 00:15:35,390 You're under arrest for stalking, 300 00:15:35,410 --> 00:15:38,920 possession of an offensive weapon... 301 00:15:46,770 --> 00:15:49,390 So, what they've done there is handcuffed a man 302 00:15:49,410 --> 00:15:51,160 who had a knife in his pocket. 303 00:15:51,180 --> 00:15:53,830 And then neither of them sustained any injury. 304 00:15:53,850 --> 00:15:57,230 So the only way they could make this situation seem critical 305 00:15:57,250 --> 00:16:00,800 is to wonder, after the event, what COULD have happened. 306 00:16:00,820 --> 00:16:03,670 The scariest part of it was how concealable it was. 307 00:16:05,820 --> 00:16:07,840 And if it hadn't been for Selina's reactions, 308 00:16:07,860 --> 00:16:10,230 we could have been dealing with something so much worse. 309 00:16:10,250 --> 00:16:12,160 Cos if that knife had come out of his pocket... 310 00:16:12,180 --> 00:16:13,670 we would've been in a lot of trouble. 311 00:16:13,690 --> 00:16:15,030 See? 312 00:16:15,050 --> 00:16:17,590 IF that knife had come out of his pocket. 313 00:16:17,610 --> 00:16:20,230 Yes, and IF it had been a hand grenade. 314 00:16:20,250 --> 00:16:23,440 And IF they were on the slopes of an erupting volcano, 315 00:16:23,460 --> 00:16:26,560 and IF they were surrounded by lions and bears, 316 00:16:26,580 --> 00:16:29,390 THEN it would have been a critical incident. 317 00:16:29,410 --> 00:16:31,360 But actually, it was just a man 318 00:16:31,380 --> 00:16:34,030 in someone's garden with a potato peeler. 319 00:16:36,850 --> 00:16:39,280 But then, later in the show, 320 00:16:39,300 --> 00:16:42,470 we were shown something even less critical than that. 321 00:16:42,490 --> 00:16:45,160 A crowd of well- behaved and sober young people 322 00:16:45,180 --> 00:16:47,360 had gathered outside a nightclub. 323 00:16:47,380 --> 00:16:49,440 There was nothing for it. 324 00:16:49,460 --> 00:16:52,080 They had to call in a voice-over artist 325 00:16:52,100 --> 00:16:53,950 and tell him to sound anxious. 326 00:17:06,610 --> 00:17:08,440 Guys! Stop pushing! 327 00:17:20,250 --> 00:17:22,720 What on earth can the police do 328 00:17:22,740 --> 00:17:25,920 to stop this critical incident from becoming extreme? 329 00:17:25,940 --> 00:17:27,560 Or even ultimate? 330 00:17:27,580 --> 00:17:29,750 We've finally, after some negotiation, 331 00:17:29,770 --> 00:17:31,460 managed to disperse the crowd. 332 00:17:31,480 --> 00:17:34,180 And they've gone into the club next door. 333 00:17:37,760 --> 00:17:39,660 So, there we are. 334 00:17:39,680 --> 00:17:42,490 Some young people couldn't get into a club, 335 00:17:42,510 --> 00:17:44,690 so they went into another one next door. 336 00:17:46,600 --> 00:17:48,220 And it isn't just Critical Incident 337 00:17:48,240 --> 00:17:50,770 that inserts drama where there is no drama. 338 00:17:50,790 --> 00:17:53,820 Emergency Road Rescue is at it as well. 339 00:17:56,150 --> 00:17:58,690 No gonnae be able to shift that. 340 00:18:09,990 --> 00:18:11,970 Probably got another quarter of a mile to go. 341 00:18:11,990 --> 00:18:14,970 Got tae go for it. 342 00:18:27,960 --> 00:18:31,490 That was a man, with an HGV licence, 343 00:18:31,510 --> 00:18:34,380 in an HGV, with mirrors and reversing lights, 344 00:18:34,400 --> 00:18:35,890 doing a three-point turn. 345 00:18:35,910 --> 00:18:39,740 And it's a snowplough, which was designed for snowy weather! 346 00:18:39,760 --> 00:18:43,530 So I trust, like me, the edge of your seat is currently untroubled. 347 00:18:45,150 --> 00:18:47,530 They have a similar show in Switzerland. 348 00:18:47,550 --> 00:18:52,100 However - to quote Gregg Wallace - it's just a tiny bit more exciting. 349 00:19:13,910 --> 00:19:17,330 Now, that was a helicopter landing in a blizzard on a mountain 350 00:19:17,350 --> 00:19:20,530 to rescue someone who was genuinely injured. 351 00:19:20,550 --> 00:19:24,410 Whereas in Britain, we have programmes about getting a puncture. 352 00:19:24,430 --> 00:19:29,020 And calling out the emergency critical ultimate response van. 353 00:19:30,320 --> 00:19:32,610 Not the most ideal place I've ever worked in. 354 00:19:32,630 --> 00:19:36,100 There's not really anywhere you can go for safety here. 355 00:19:36,120 --> 00:19:38,250 There's nothing but a drop. We're on a bridge. 356 00:19:51,840 --> 00:19:53,770 Seven minutes? 357 00:19:53,790 --> 00:19:55,970 Not sure I'd want him on my Formula One team. 358 00:19:57,680 --> 00:19:59,530 Anyway, that's almost it 359 00:19:59,550 --> 00:20:04,250 for this part of Extreme It's Clarkson On Ultimate TV. 360 00:20:04,270 --> 00:20:06,660 We've made it this far, thank God. 361 00:20:06,680 --> 00:20:08,890 But I dread to think what would have happened 362 00:20:08,910 --> 00:20:11,410 if there'd been a bear in the studio. 363 00:20:11,430 --> 00:20:14,490 See you after the break. 364 00:20:23,480 --> 00:20:27,530 Welcome back. Now, I want to talk about joinery. 365 00:20:27,550 --> 00:20:29,940 I don't WANT to, but I'm going to anyway, 366 00:20:29,960 --> 00:20:33,970 because this is how the not-very-interesting subject 367 00:20:33,990 --> 00:20:35,580 is covered in this country, 368 00:20:35,600 --> 00:20:39,580 on a surprisingly therapeutic and actually really rather nice show 369 00:20:39,600 --> 00:20:41,530 called The Repair Shop. 370 00:20:41,550 --> 00:20:46,050 This box is held together with finger joints, so... 371 00:20:46,070 --> 00:20:48,610 These little bits of wood here come together. 372 00:20:48,630 --> 00:20:51,100 First thing I need to do is take this top off 373 00:20:51,120 --> 00:20:53,380 and cut out that damaged wood on the front. 374 00:20:53,400 --> 00:20:54,770 So, here's the moment of truth. 375 00:20:54,790 --> 00:20:58,460 I have cut these new finger joints as snug as I can. 376 00:20:58,480 --> 00:20:59,740 I'm gonna give it a go. 377 00:21:03,790 --> 00:21:05,490 For James May, 378 00:21:05,510 --> 00:21:09,530 that is more erotic than Bridgerton. 379 00:21:09,550 --> 00:21:12,300 Anyway, here's how the Americans cover joinery. 380 00:21:12,320 --> 00:21:15,380 And I'll warn you, it's slightly less subtle. 381 00:21:15,400 --> 00:21:17,850 OK, let's get this deck war started! 382 00:21:17,870 --> 00:21:20,490 We've got two absolutely brutal long days ahead of us, 383 00:21:20,510 --> 00:21:22,130 to build two totally unique decks. 384 00:21:25,320 --> 00:21:27,460 Get the square frame up there NOW. 385 00:21:27,480 --> 00:21:29,330 Ryan, don't choke! 386 00:21:29,350 --> 00:21:31,850 Get that gate up! Get it up NOW! 387 00:21:31,870 --> 00:21:34,610 Don't worry about what he's doing! Come on, get it on! 388 00:21:36,070 --> 00:21:38,250 It ain't a party now, is it?! 389 00:21:38,270 --> 00:21:40,250 So, there we are. 390 00:21:40,270 --> 00:21:44,490 Two great nations divided by... different volume settings. 391 00:21:44,510 --> 00:21:48,380 And interestingly, Deck Wars is a show on The History Channel, 392 00:21:48,400 --> 00:21:50,890 which is weird, cos it's not history. 393 00:21:50,910 --> 00:21:53,330 I think The History Channel's got mission creep. 394 00:21:53,350 --> 00:21:55,530 They're covering anything that happened 395 00:21:55,550 --> 00:21:58,770 before what Huw Edwards would call "now". 396 00:21:58,790 --> 00:22:02,460 Another example of this is a show they have called Kings Of Pain, 397 00:22:02,480 --> 00:22:04,460 in which two men travel the world, 398 00:22:04,480 --> 00:22:07,100 being attacked by animals on purpose. 399 00:22:07,120 --> 00:22:09,820 To see which one hurts the most. 400 00:22:11,760 --> 00:22:14,410 It's looking at me, it's looking at me. 401 00:22:27,550 --> 00:22:30,580 Glad he's got that face mask on. 402 00:22:30,600 --> 00:22:33,610 Wouldn't want to catch coronavirus. 403 00:22:33,630 --> 00:22:36,530 And what's amazing is that his mate watched him and thought, 404 00:22:36,550 --> 00:22:39,330 "Wow, that looks incredibly painful. 405 00:22:39,350 --> 00:22:41,460 "So I'll have a go as well!" 406 00:22:42,630 --> 00:22:44,300 Whoa! 407 00:22:54,760 --> 00:22:57,510 Get it off! Argh! Get it off! 408 00:23:03,740 --> 00:23:06,200 Now, the reason why this pair of idiots 409 00:23:06,220 --> 00:23:09,560 travel the world being stung by scorpions and wasps and so on 410 00:23:09,580 --> 00:23:12,100 is so they could create this. 411 00:23:12,130 --> 00:23:14,350 The chart of pain. 412 00:23:14,380 --> 00:23:18,000 These are all the creatures that bit or stung them. 413 00:23:18,020 --> 00:23:19,670 You've got the scorpionfish 414 00:23:19,690 --> 00:23:22,000 and the harvester ant, the rove beetle, 415 00:23:22,020 --> 00:23:23,350 some kind of centipede, 416 00:23:23,380 --> 00:23:27,800 and then that snake at the top, scoring 25.75. 417 00:23:27,820 --> 00:23:31,200 For reference, Luis Suarez scored 19. 418 00:23:33,690 --> 00:23:36,080 However, I don't believe any of this. 419 00:23:36,100 --> 00:23:40,020 Because down at the bottom, look, scoring three, is the honey bee. 420 00:23:40,050 --> 00:23:43,140 And I'm sorry, but in my farm show on Amazon Prime, 421 00:23:43,170 --> 00:23:46,020 I was stung by one, and I'd describe the pain as... 422 00:23:46,050 --> 00:23:47,870 4,000. 423 00:23:47,890 --> 00:23:50,440 Oh, Shit! Ow! Christ! 424 00:23:50,460 --> 00:23:53,020 I've got one in my suit! 425 00:23:53,050 --> 00:23:55,670 How the fucking hell has that happened? Argh! 426 00:23:55,690 --> 00:23:58,950 It stung me right in the arse cheeks. Argh... 427 00:23:58,970 --> 00:24:02,100 This really... This is bad. Argh! 428 00:24:02,130 --> 00:24:06,080 It was agonising, and I was incredibly brave. 429 00:24:07,740 --> 00:24:09,020 Or so I thought, 430 00:24:09,050 --> 00:24:11,830 until I saw a brilliant documentary called Honeyland, 431 00:24:11,850 --> 00:24:15,080 which is about an old lady who collects honey in Macedonia 432 00:24:15,100 --> 00:24:19,920 whilst wearing almost no protective clothing at all. 433 00:24:32,610 --> 00:24:36,830 It's a phenomenal documentary, as good as any I've ever seen. 434 00:24:36,850 --> 00:24:39,020 And actually, there's some evidence in it 435 00:24:39,050 --> 00:24:41,800 that a cow could inflict even more pain 436 00:24:41,820 --> 00:24:44,750 than that reticulated python we saw earlier. 437 00:24:44,770 --> 00:24:47,080 Check out this hooved brute. 438 00:24:52,430 --> 00:24:55,370 Anyway, back to The History Channel. 439 00:24:55,400 --> 00:24:58,460 Which does occasionally do a show about history. 440 00:24:58,480 --> 00:25:01,490 There's one where a load of middle-aged divorcees 441 00:25:01,510 --> 00:25:04,460 with Harley-Davidson face furniture 442 00:25:04,480 --> 00:25:07,970 dress up as metal Morris dancers and then... 443 00:25:07,990 --> 00:25:09,490 hit each other. 444 00:25:17,240 --> 00:25:19,460 Ooh! Nice hit! 445 00:25:19,480 --> 00:25:22,290 That's gotta hurt. I don't care what helmet you have. 446 00:25:22,320 --> 00:25:24,610 Basically, then, it's Robot Wars 447 00:25:24,630 --> 00:25:27,120 for people who are too thick to make robots. 448 00:25:28,990 --> 00:25:31,410 It's called Knight Fight, and what I'd like to see 449 00:25:31,430 --> 00:25:34,490 is a British version, using British knights. 450 00:25:34,510 --> 00:25:36,490 Week one: 451 00:25:36,510 --> 00:25:39,410 Sir Elton John versus Sir Keir Starmer. 452 00:25:41,190 --> 00:25:44,460 Week two: Sir Philip Green versus Sir Tony Robinson. 453 00:25:44,480 --> 00:25:46,290 No, wait, that wouldn't work. 454 00:25:46,320 --> 00:25:48,770 Cos Tony'd be in the ring for two seconds 455 00:25:48,790 --> 00:25:51,330 and then remember he had to dash off to Moscow 456 00:25:51,350 --> 00:25:53,290 to make a three-minute documentary 457 00:25:53,320 --> 00:25:55,290 on the history of the Russian monarchy. 458 00:25:56,680 --> 00:25:59,240 To Bloodlands now, which, as far as I can work out, 459 00:25:59,270 --> 00:26:01,770 is just an excuse for James Nesbitt 460 00:26:01,790 --> 00:26:05,120 to stare moodily into the middle distance. 461 00:26:35,790 --> 00:26:37,810 I mean, look at this one. 462 00:26:37,830 --> 00:26:39,970 What's he seen over there? 463 00:26:41,990 --> 00:26:45,810 Is it some kind of weird dog? 464 00:26:45,830 --> 00:26:49,240 Anyway, if you want to know more about Bloodlands, 465 00:26:49,270 --> 00:26:50,690 here's the trailer. 466 00:26:51,790 --> 00:26:56,490 In '98, a handful of us were made aware of a possible assassin. 467 00:26:56,510 --> 00:26:57,890 We called him Goliath. 468 00:26:59,550 --> 00:27:02,850 These were cold-blooded executions. Yeah, enough. 469 00:27:02,870 --> 00:27:04,740 He also murdered my wife. 470 00:27:07,190 --> 00:27:09,330 Because of us. 471 00:27:09,350 --> 00:27:10,660 Terrified, Daddy. 472 00:27:16,150 --> 00:27:18,040 Argh! How's your daughter? 473 00:27:18,070 --> 00:27:19,770 Halt! Armed police! 474 00:27:19,790 --> 00:27:21,690 Have you ever been close to him? 475 00:27:23,960 --> 00:27:24,940 Not for me. 476 00:27:29,870 --> 00:27:31,120 Looks good. 477 00:27:31,150 --> 00:27:33,160 It isn't, but the thing is, 478 00:27:33,190 --> 00:27:36,370 the man behind Bloodlands also wrote Bodyguard. 479 00:27:36,400 --> 00:27:38,740 So let's see the trailer for that. 480 00:27:38,760 --> 00:27:42,120 Armed police! Get down, stay down! 481 00:27:42,150 --> 00:27:44,330 Officers will be arriving! 482 00:27:45,990 --> 00:27:49,330 The greatest threat to our national security is terrorism. 483 00:27:53,150 --> 00:27:55,490 No need to protect me. I'll do what's required. 484 00:27:56,830 --> 00:28:00,040 Get down! 485 00:28:04,270 --> 00:28:07,370 Looks like the Home Secretary couldn't be in safer hands. 486 00:28:10,630 --> 00:28:13,530 It's exactly the same! 487 00:28:13,550 --> 00:28:15,940 So, what about Line Of Duty, 488 00:28:15,960 --> 00:28:18,770 which is another programme from the same stable? 489 00:28:18,790 --> 00:28:20,810 Let's see the trailer for that. 490 00:28:20,830 --> 00:28:23,460 SIRENS Let's go, let's go! 491 00:28:23,480 --> 00:28:26,240 Job done. Nice work, lads. 492 00:28:27,710 --> 00:28:30,210 The hijack of a transport by armed men wearing balaclavas. 493 00:28:33,870 --> 00:28:37,370 The hijack required a police insider. 494 00:28:37,400 --> 00:28:40,120 My team will get to the root of anything. 495 00:28:40,150 --> 00:28:43,370 There's a code name. Didn't think it was real. H. 496 00:28:45,320 --> 00:28:47,970 When you work with someone, you take them at their word. 497 00:28:47,990 --> 00:28:50,970 There's no secrets in AC-12. 498 00:28:50,990 --> 00:28:54,370 This is a chance to crack the highest level corrupt officers - 499 00:28:54,400 --> 00:28:55,530 and the top man. 500 00:29:04,840 --> 00:29:09,150 What if this is how the BBC decides to trail all of its programmes? 501 00:29:09,170 --> 00:29:13,790 Drone shot, tense line of dialogue, some kind of gun action. 502 00:29:13,810 --> 00:29:16,670 How would that work for Countryfile? 503 00:29:21,410 --> 00:29:25,470 But one of the big finds was the discovery of skeletons. 504 00:29:25,490 --> 00:29:28,790 And there are even more waiting to be discovered. 505 00:29:28,810 --> 00:29:33,030 When you know what was here, you can feel something. 506 00:29:33,050 --> 00:29:36,110 Why would somebody schlep all the way from the Mediterranean 507 00:29:36,130 --> 00:29:38,150 to come to Northumberland? 508 00:29:38,170 --> 00:29:41,470 They've got to be sedated or released within 30 minutes. 509 00:29:41,490 --> 00:29:44,000 You might be surprised that in Northamptonshire, 510 00:29:44,020 --> 00:29:46,390 there is actually a search and rescue service here anyway. 511 00:29:46,410 --> 00:29:49,230 We don't look for people that know that they're lost. 512 00:30:02,810 --> 00:30:05,440 Anyway, that's all we have time for, I'm afraid, 513 00:30:05,460 --> 00:30:09,200 so let's end in the style of James Nesbitt. 514 00:30:17,850 --> 00:30:21,590 Sorry, but there's a really weird dog over there. 515 00:30:29,490 --> 00:30:32,280 It's literally got a shaved mons pudenda. 516 00:30:36,530 --> 00:30:38,080 It's moving towards me. 517 00:30:48,130 --> 00:30:52,590 Good night. 518 00:30:52,610 --> 00:30:54,590 Subtitles by accessibility@itv.com 518 00:30:55,305 --> 00:31:55,534