"Austin" Episode #2.2

1 00:00:01,000 --> 00:00:02,280 I'm not his father. What did you say? 2 00:00:02,280 --> 00:00:04,200 Austin. I'm not his dad. 3 00:00:04,200 --> 00:00:06,600 DNA tests came back last night. Negative. 4 00:00:06,600 --> 00:00:08,760 What's going to happen with my book now? 5 00:00:08,760 --> 00:00:10,480 Book? What... What book? 6 00:00:10,480 --> 00:00:11,520 Right. 7 00:00:11,520 --> 00:00:14,200 Thank you for providing me this exchange of details. 8 00:00:14,200 --> 00:00:17,440 I'm not a scientist, but I think there's probably been 9 00:00:17,440 --> 00:00:19,720 some sort of mistake or mix-up at the lab. 10 00:00:19,720 --> 00:00:21,520 WOMAN: (ON PHONE) Confirmed. Yes. 11 00:00:21,520 --> 00:00:24,640 You are a 50% DNA match with Austin Hogan. 12 00:00:24,640 --> 00:00:25,640 Yes! 13 00:00:25,640 --> 00:00:26,960 You need to get an early night. 14 00:00:26,960 --> 00:00:28,400 You've got a book to finish. 15 00:00:29,960 --> 00:00:31,840 (ELEVATOR BELL DINGS) 16 00:00:33,160 --> 00:00:34,840 What do you mean she's moved it forward? 17 00:00:36,000 --> 00:00:37,680 Aye aye aye. 18 00:00:37,680 --> 00:00:38,960 The meetings clash. 19 00:00:38,960 --> 00:00:40,720 Well, I can't be in two places at the same time. 20 00:00:40,720 --> 00:00:42,520 Really? Because you can two-time people. 21 00:00:42,520 --> 00:00:45,240 Oh! Still? I'm sorry. I can't help it. 22 00:00:45,240 --> 00:00:48,200 It's like a completely automatic response now. 23 00:00:48,200 --> 00:00:50,000 It's OK, Dad. I'm a grown man. 24 00:00:50,000 --> 00:00:52,000 I'm happy to meet Greta alone. 25 00:00:52,000 --> 00:00:54,200 But do I really need an agent, though? 26 00:00:54,200 --> 00:00:55,400 Yes! Yes! 27 00:00:55,400 --> 00:00:57,640 And Greta is brilliant, apparently. 28 00:00:57,640 --> 00:00:59,080 Up and coming, according to Heidi. 29 00:00:59,080 --> 00:01:00,080 And if she takes you on, 30 00:01:00,080 --> 00:01:02,480 she'll do all the really irks and stuff so you don't have to. 31 00:01:02,480 --> 00:01:04,160 Like dealing with the publishers. 32 00:01:04,160 --> 00:01:05,360 But Dad's my publisher. 33 00:01:05,360 --> 00:01:06,920 I don't mind dealing with him. 34 00:01:06,920 --> 00:01:08,200 You've outgrown me, grasshopper. 35 00:01:08,200 --> 00:01:09,400 5,000 downloads. 36 00:01:09,400 --> 00:01:10,840 You are now a commodity. 37 00:01:10,840 --> 00:01:12,000 A commodity? 38 00:01:12,000 --> 00:01:14,400 You mean like zinc or coffee beans? 39 00:01:14,400 --> 00:01:16,000 Mm-hm. OK. 40 00:01:16,000 --> 00:01:18,040 Hey, well, don't panic. There are two of us, Julian. 41 00:01:18,040 --> 00:01:21,040 So you go in with Austin, and I'll take the Heidi meeting. 42 00:01:21,040 --> 00:01:22,320 Yeah? Sorry, Austin. 43 00:01:22,320 --> 00:01:24,120 I absolutely need to be in the Heidi meeting. 44 00:01:24,120 --> 00:01:25,800 Well, I absolutely need to be in the Heidi meeting. 45 00:01:25,800 --> 00:01:27,200 Do you, though? Don't you trust me? 46 00:01:27,200 --> 00:01:29,680 Well, of course I trust you, but I mean... 47 00:01:32,240 --> 00:01:33,240 Oh, my God. 48 00:01:33,240 --> 00:01:34,320 What? 49 00:01:34,320 --> 00:01:35,720 Oh, my God. You actually do. 50 00:01:35,720 --> 00:01:37,720 I didn't say anything. You actually think I'm incompetent. 51 00:01:37,720 --> 00:01:39,360 Oh, my God. Is this because I won't drive? 52 00:01:39,360 --> 00:01:41,400 Look, OK, fine. You take the meeting with Heidi. 53 00:01:41,400 --> 00:01:43,000 I'll take Austin. Yes, I will. 54 00:01:43,000 --> 00:01:44,760 Thank you. You're welcome. 55 00:01:45,680 --> 00:01:49,400 Uh, Dad, this publishing stuff is kind of confronting. 56 00:01:49,400 --> 00:01:51,440 I feel like my destiny is being controlled 57 00:01:51,440 --> 00:01:55,200 by people that I don't really know, some of whom could be idiots. 58 00:01:55,200 --> 00:01:57,400 Trust me, Austin, most of them are idiots. 59 00:01:59,000 --> 00:02:05,074 Watch Online Movies and Series for FREE www.osdb.link/lm 60 00:02:17,440 --> 00:02:21,240 Austin, your book is sensational. 61 00:02:21,240 --> 00:02:22,360 So you've read it, then? 62 00:02:22,360 --> 00:02:23,440 Almost a third of it. 63 00:02:23,440 --> 00:02:25,600 For an agent, that is high praise indeed. 64 00:02:25,600 --> 00:02:27,720 It's one of the best travel books I've come across. 65 00:02:27,720 --> 00:02:29,200 And then I thought to myself, 66 00:02:29,200 --> 00:02:31,880 who would actually want to read about an Australian man's wanderings 67 00:02:31,880 --> 00:02:33,080 through modern Britain? 68 00:02:33,080 --> 00:02:35,240 Is this one of those things where you're toying with us, or...? 69 00:02:35,240 --> 00:02:36,400 Everyone. 70 00:02:36,400 --> 00:02:38,000 Everyone will want to read this. 71 00:02:38,000 --> 00:02:39,600 Ah, good. It was. 72 00:02:39,600 --> 00:02:43,280 If we get the right strategy for the book and for you, Austin. 73 00:02:43,280 --> 00:02:45,440 So, how are you? 74 00:02:45,440 --> 00:02:48,120 It's, like, strangely hard to get a meeting with you, Heidi. 75 00:02:48,120 --> 00:02:49,560 Oh. Yeah. 76 00:02:49,560 --> 00:02:51,600 I mean, compared to the before times. 77 00:02:51,600 --> 00:02:53,000 Oh! Well, I don't know. 78 00:02:53,000 --> 00:02:55,600 You two are still very high up on my author priorities list. 79 00:02:55,600 --> 00:02:57,560 You know, not as high as before. (LAUGHS) 80 00:02:57,560 --> 00:02:59,560 But still, high-ish. 81 00:02:59,560 --> 00:03:01,880 Well, that might be about to change, because... 82 00:03:03,000 --> 00:03:04,000 Oh. 83 00:03:04,000 --> 00:03:06,800 ..we have a very exciting idea that we want to share. 84 00:03:06,800 --> 00:03:08,280 Oh, yeah. I'm sitting down. 85 00:03:08,280 --> 00:03:09,760 Do you want me to sit down even more? 86 00:03:10,720 --> 00:03:11,840 Uh, no. 87 00:03:11,840 --> 00:03:14,000 These opportunities don't come along every day. 88 00:03:14,000 --> 00:03:17,280 And when they do, you need to do everything you can to leverage them. 89 00:03:17,280 --> 00:03:19,400 Well, I, for one, am happy to take yes for an answer. 90 00:03:19,400 --> 00:03:20,640 Have I said yes yet, Julian? 91 00:03:20,640 --> 00:03:22,080 Well, it's probably yes, though, isn't it? 92 00:03:22,080 --> 00:03:25,480 So, I shall leave you two to disrupt publishing while I just check on... 93 00:03:25,480 --> 00:03:26,840 Right, so... 94 00:03:26,840 --> 00:03:29,000 Oh, Greta, quick note for whoever is lucky enough 95 00:03:29,000 --> 00:03:30,880 to publish this Meisterwerk. 96 00:03:30,880 --> 00:03:33,440 About halfway down the second page of chapter four, 97 00:03:33,440 --> 00:03:34,600 I've used a semicolon. 98 00:03:34,600 --> 00:03:35,960 I mean, some people are averse to them, 99 00:03:35,960 --> 00:03:37,440 but I'd like to keep it, if you don't mind. 100 00:03:37,440 --> 00:03:38,760 Yeah, I can't even find it. 101 00:03:38,760 --> 00:03:40,960 So, as long as Austin likes it. 102 00:03:40,960 --> 00:03:43,840 I've heard that is the Dom Perignon of punctuation. 103 00:03:43,840 --> 00:03:44,960 Great. 104 00:03:44,960 --> 00:03:46,520 Well, the semicolon stays. 105 00:03:46,520 --> 00:03:48,880 Fantastic. Catch you later. Fantastic. OK, ciao. 106 00:03:49,760 --> 00:03:51,680 (WHISPERS) Let's drop the semicolon. Already gone. 107 00:03:51,680 --> 00:03:55,280 So, I've spoken to a few publishers, and they like the book. 108 00:03:55,280 --> 00:03:58,440 But they've made it clear they won't publish it unless you prove 109 00:03:58,440 --> 00:04:00,840 you have a solid British origin story. 110 00:04:00,840 --> 00:04:05,080 Well, my father's British, and as he often quotes after two pints, 111 00:04:05,080 --> 00:04:06,560 that's nothing to be ashamed of. 112 00:04:06,560 --> 00:04:07,800 Yeah, they want more. 113 00:04:07,800 --> 00:04:10,200 You know, a bit of find your roots, family tree stuff. 114 00:04:10,200 --> 00:04:11,280 So, any royalty in there? 115 00:04:11,280 --> 00:04:13,600 Or perhaps an East End villain who once punched a cabbie? 116 00:04:13,600 --> 00:04:15,360 I honestly have no idea. 117 00:04:15,360 --> 00:04:18,920 Well, then have a look, and please discover that you are. 118 00:04:18,920 --> 00:04:23,080 Do you remember how I never wanted to do Big Bear TV? 119 00:04:23,080 --> 00:04:25,640 Yes. Cost me 15% of millions. 120 00:04:25,640 --> 00:04:30,160 So, well, over Christmas, Julian and I watched the horse... 121 00:04:30,160 --> 00:04:31,920 The Oscar winner. Mmm. 122 00:04:31,920 --> 00:04:36,640 Yeah, that's an animation, and it's just done really properly. 123 00:04:36,640 --> 00:04:37,880 It's expensive. 124 00:04:37,880 --> 00:04:39,520 Is it? Yes. 125 00:04:41,040 --> 00:04:42,760 So, how are we doing? Have we got a deal? 126 00:04:42,760 --> 00:04:44,840 Yeah, a bit of a non-starter. What? 127 00:04:44,840 --> 00:04:50,160 Yeah, Heidi says it's too expensive, probably, to do properly. 128 00:04:50,160 --> 00:04:51,640 You've got to be kidding me! 129 00:04:52,640 --> 00:04:54,560 (SIGHS) We had so many offers. 130 00:04:54,560 --> 00:04:56,520 Not just animation. Stop motion. 131 00:04:56,520 --> 00:04:58,440 I mean, what about live action? That's got to be cheap. 132 00:04:58,440 --> 00:04:59,800 Come on, Julian. 133 00:04:59,800 --> 00:05:01,120 A man in a furry suit? 134 00:05:01,120 --> 00:05:02,520 Furry? 135 00:05:02,520 --> 00:05:04,160 I mean, I don't know. 136 00:05:04,160 --> 00:05:06,200 (STAMMERS) It might be an interesting idea. 137 00:05:06,200 --> 00:05:07,400 Yeah, why not? 138 00:05:07,400 --> 00:05:09,040 You know, you could argue live action 139 00:05:09,040 --> 00:05:11,080 highlights the humanity of the characters. 140 00:05:11,080 --> 00:05:14,320 I think there was one company that wanted to do live action. 141 00:05:14,320 --> 00:05:15,600 I mean, I don't know, but... 142 00:05:15,600 --> 00:05:16,960 Oh, here they are. Yeah. 143 00:05:16,960 --> 00:05:18,480 Yeah, Australians. 144 00:05:18,480 --> 00:05:20,240 Ah, serendipity. Love Australia. 145 00:05:20,240 --> 00:05:22,600 No, you don't. You hate the sun, you don't like the wildlife, 146 00:05:22,600 --> 00:05:24,160 and Australians make you feel effeminate. 147 00:05:24,160 --> 00:05:25,160 And that's just the women. 148 00:05:25,160 --> 00:05:26,680 Oh, you will have to work with actors. 149 00:05:26,680 --> 00:05:27,880 I mean, have you met an actor before? 150 00:05:27,880 --> 00:05:30,040 I would bloody love to work with actors. 151 00:05:30,040 --> 00:05:31,840 Based on what? Billie Piper. 152 00:05:31,840 --> 00:05:33,000 You know, we met in that tea room. 153 00:05:33,000 --> 00:05:35,000 I don't want to go on about it, but, you know, a bit of a bond. 154 00:05:35,000 --> 00:05:37,320 And she didn't talk about her process at all. 155 00:05:37,320 --> 00:05:39,640 No. Julian, am I shouting into a well? 156 00:05:39,640 --> 00:05:41,240 It's a no. It's a hard no. 157 00:05:41,240 --> 00:05:42,320 Absolument non. 158 00:05:42,320 --> 00:05:44,560 I do not want to do live action. 159 00:05:45,880 --> 00:05:51,120 Ingrid, if we don't do this, Big Bear is dead. 160 00:05:51,120 --> 00:05:52,160 And he's never coming back. 161 00:05:52,160 --> 00:05:55,000 Not even for a book called Big Bear Meets The Grim Reaper. 162 00:06:00,120 --> 00:06:02,120 That look means yes. OK. 163 00:06:02,120 --> 00:06:03,400 Wrap it up. 164 00:06:05,120 --> 00:06:06,360 Oh. 165 00:06:07,400 --> 00:06:10,200 Close your eyes. Imagine how big you could be by 2030. 166 00:06:10,200 --> 00:06:12,120 OK, I'm imagining. 167 00:06:12,120 --> 00:06:13,600 Now triple it. 168 00:06:13,600 --> 00:06:16,240 Now I'm excited and terrified. Open your eyes. 169 00:06:16,240 --> 00:06:18,440 So, first we get the book out there and you with it. 170 00:06:18,440 --> 00:06:19,480 Now write this down. 171 00:06:19,480 --> 00:06:21,960 You're not neurodivergent anymore, you're neuro-spicy. 172 00:06:21,960 --> 00:06:24,200 Everything good? Yeah? You good? You good? 173 00:06:24,200 --> 00:06:25,320 Are we The Monkees. 174 00:06:25,320 --> 00:06:27,080 The Monkees, walking down the street? 175 00:06:27,080 --> 00:06:28,480 Page 42 - 176 00:06:28,480 --> 00:06:30,240 Austin refers to the Australians 177 00:06:30,240 --> 00:06:31,760 as having less problems than the British. 178 00:06:31,760 --> 00:06:33,240 I think we need to amend that to fewer. 179 00:06:33,240 --> 00:06:34,760 Otherwise we'll lose all the goodwill 180 00:06:34,760 --> 00:06:36,520 we built up with the semicolon. 181 00:06:36,520 --> 00:06:39,200 I am not going to let that man steamroller me anymore. 182 00:06:39,200 --> 00:06:40,280 And that is hard. 183 00:06:40,280 --> 00:06:41,800 He gets into everything. 184 00:06:41,800 --> 00:06:43,000 Like glitter. 185 00:06:43,000 --> 00:06:46,600 He's like that pathogenic fungus that gets into the brains of ants 186 00:06:46,600 --> 00:06:49,520 and turns them into zombies and then shoots spores through their eyes. 187 00:06:49,520 --> 00:06:50,720 He's that controlling. 188 00:06:50,720 --> 00:06:52,920 I'll tell you what's going to happen now. 189 00:06:52,920 --> 00:06:54,240 He's going to come back in here 190 00:06:54,240 --> 00:06:57,120 and he's going to pretend that he's just had the idea 191 00:06:57,120 --> 00:06:59,840 that maybe he should be the creative director. 192 00:06:59,840 --> 00:07:03,520 Where, in fact, he's probably been plotting that for months. 193 00:07:03,520 --> 00:07:06,800 Guys, quick thought about the Big Bear TV thing 194 00:07:06,800 --> 00:07:08,600 on the inter-office commute. 195 00:07:08,600 --> 00:07:10,520 Was it that you wanted to be creative director? 196 00:07:10,520 --> 00:07:11,560 No, it's not that I wanted... 197 00:07:11,560 --> 00:07:13,760 Alright, yes, it's that I want to be creative director 198 00:07:13,760 --> 00:07:14,760 of the Big Bear TV show. 199 00:07:14,760 --> 00:07:16,560 I just think there should be one voice at the top, 200 00:07:16,560 --> 00:07:18,160 and that voice should be mine. 201 00:07:18,160 --> 00:07:20,640 Yeah, he thinks I'm incompetent. 202 00:07:20,640 --> 00:07:23,240 No, because I came up with the original idea. 203 00:07:23,240 --> 00:07:25,840 I beg your pardon?! 204 00:07:25,840 --> 00:07:29,480 It was definitely me who had the idea about us doing a bear. 205 00:07:29,480 --> 00:07:31,960 Yeah, I'm the one who gave him his defining characteristic, 206 00:07:31,960 --> 00:07:33,520 which is that he's big. 207 00:07:33,520 --> 00:07:38,840 You think that the adjective trumps the actual bear? 208 00:07:38,840 --> 00:07:41,560 Yeah, I do, because there are millions of books about bears 209 00:07:41,560 --> 00:07:43,840 and hardly any of them are about big bears. 210 00:07:43,840 --> 00:07:47,160 So you two want me to work with you both again 211 00:07:47,160 --> 00:07:50,640 while your marriage just disintegrates in front of my eyes? 212 00:07:50,640 --> 00:07:52,120 Yes, please. Yes, please. 213 00:07:52,120 --> 00:07:53,680 (PHONE DINGS) Right. Great idea. 214 00:07:53,680 --> 00:07:56,160 Oh, dear, it's my one o'clock's waiting for me. 215 00:07:56,160 --> 00:07:58,480 Heidi, it's 10:50. 216 00:08:00,840 --> 00:08:02,720 Is it? 217 00:08:02,720 --> 00:08:06,120 Right, next, you always, always have to be authentic and open. 218 00:08:06,120 --> 00:08:09,640 So, what's a secret about you that very few people know about? 219 00:08:09,640 --> 00:08:12,480 I'm not telling you my secrets, Greta. We've only just met. 220 00:08:12,480 --> 00:08:14,120 You can just lie, make one up. 221 00:08:14,120 --> 00:08:15,920 I can't just lie about it. 222 00:08:15,920 --> 00:08:18,840 OK, fine, here's a secret about me. 223 00:08:18,840 --> 00:08:20,280 I can't wink. 224 00:08:20,280 --> 00:08:22,640 That's rather peculiar, but alright. 225 00:08:22,640 --> 00:08:25,240 Every time I try, both my eyes close. 226 00:08:25,240 --> 00:08:26,360 There have been so many dates 227 00:08:26,360 --> 00:08:29,000 where people confuse my flirting for Bell's palsy. 228 00:08:29,000 --> 00:08:30,680 That's my secret. What's yours? 229 00:08:30,680 --> 00:08:32,760 No, I don't think I can. 230 00:08:32,760 --> 00:08:35,720 Come on, I just told you something embarrassing and personal. 231 00:08:35,720 --> 00:08:37,560 (SIGHS) Alright. 232 00:08:37,560 --> 00:08:40,480 I always thought 'meme' was pronounced 'me-me'. 233 00:08:40,480 --> 00:08:43,360 Then my girlfriend said, "Austin, it's pronounced 'meme'," 234 00:08:43,360 --> 00:08:45,360 and I haven't heard from her since. 235 00:08:45,360 --> 00:08:47,120 So you're being ghosted? 236 00:08:47,120 --> 00:08:49,680 Perhaps true love will have to wait. 237 00:08:49,680 --> 00:08:52,400 Just for a bit, perhaps. 238 00:08:55,320 --> 00:08:56,880 Was that a wink? 239 00:08:56,880 --> 00:09:01,320 Let's just say my truths weren't lies. 240 00:09:01,320 --> 00:09:03,000 Hmm. 241 00:09:05,040 --> 00:09:07,520 And since when has Big Bear been a woman? 242 00:09:07,520 --> 00:09:10,040 I think Big Bear can be either. 243 00:09:10,040 --> 00:09:12,720 You were the one who said that Big Bear should be gender neutral. 244 00:09:12,720 --> 00:09:15,360 You were the one who said they shouldn't have genitals. 245 00:09:15,360 --> 00:09:19,120 You were the one who said, "Big Bear should exist beyond gender." 246 00:09:19,120 --> 00:09:21,520 Yeah, you were woke before the word even existed 247 00:09:21,520 --> 00:09:23,040 and, yes, I am saying that to annoy you. 248 00:09:23,040 --> 00:09:26,240 Dad, Greta says that she can't sell the book unless I show 249 00:09:26,240 --> 00:09:28,480 that I'm British enough to make fun of the British. 250 00:09:28,480 --> 00:09:31,640 So, I need to know my British origin story pronto. 251 00:09:31,640 --> 00:09:34,080 Can you possibly take me through that tomorrow? 252 00:09:34,080 --> 00:09:36,800 Unfortunately, I am available. Excellent. 253 00:09:36,800 --> 00:09:39,760 Also, it's not OK to have a crush on your agent, is it? 254 00:09:39,760 --> 00:09:41,840 Absolutely fine until about 10 years ago, 255 00:09:41,840 --> 00:09:44,320 then problematic, much like everything else in the world. 256 00:09:44,320 --> 00:09:45,440 Got it. 257 00:09:45,440 --> 00:09:47,280 I'll cancel the crush for now, at least. 258 00:09:47,280 --> 00:09:49,480 Austin, forever. Hmm? 259 00:09:49,480 --> 00:09:53,040 Yeah, doing that's like going back to an unexploded firework. 260 00:09:53,040 --> 00:09:55,200 You know, there's a big danger of it blowing up 261 00:09:55,200 --> 00:09:57,000 and removing quite a lot of your face. 262 00:09:57,000 --> 00:09:58,600 Fine. 263 00:09:58,600 --> 00:10:00,440 (INHALES DEEPLY, BLOWS HEAVILY) 264 00:10:00,440 --> 00:10:04,120 So which British origin story are you going to tell him? 265 00:10:04,120 --> 00:10:07,280 The easy one or the hard one? 266 00:10:07,280 --> 00:10:11,640 I'll tell him the story that's most beneficial to Austin moving forward. 267 00:10:19,480 --> 00:10:22,040 Now, Austin, 268 00:10:22,040 --> 00:10:26,080 not every origin story features mood lighting and soaring music. 269 00:10:26,080 --> 00:10:28,840 Sometimes it's just about two flawed people coming together, 270 00:10:28,840 --> 00:10:30,880 rather awkwardly, actually, 271 00:10:30,880 --> 00:10:33,040 and just attempting to make the best of things, OK? 272 00:10:33,040 --> 00:10:35,560 Right. My expectations have been lowered. 273 00:10:35,560 --> 00:10:38,000 Maybe lower them again, just to be on the safe side. 274 00:10:38,000 --> 00:10:39,440 Is that necessary? 275 00:10:39,440 --> 00:10:40,840 Yeah, take them down another notch. 276 00:10:40,840 --> 00:10:42,080 (SIGHS) 277 00:10:42,080 --> 00:10:43,920 Alright. 278 00:10:43,920 --> 00:10:45,640 OK, now, this building here, 279 00:10:45,640 --> 00:10:47,840 this is where your mother and I first met - 280 00:10:47,840 --> 00:10:49,400 Fork Yeah Catering, 281 00:10:49,400 --> 00:10:53,280 a place where the food was almost as good as the puns. 282 00:10:53,280 --> 00:10:54,480 In fact, it was up there 283 00:10:54,480 --> 00:10:57,240 that I asked her to accompany me to La Boheme. 284 00:10:57,240 --> 00:10:58,520 The opera? 285 00:10:58,520 --> 00:10:59,760 That's what she said. 286 00:10:59,760 --> 00:11:02,760 Opera turned out to be not quite your mother's cup of tea, 287 00:11:02,760 --> 00:11:05,120 but, well, she found me moderately amusing 288 00:11:05,120 --> 00:11:07,720 and we shared a certain corporeal desire. 289 00:11:07,720 --> 00:11:10,120 That's quite a disturbing visual. 290 00:11:10,120 --> 00:11:13,800 Also, I'm sensing some judgment about my mother's intellectual acumen. 291 00:11:13,800 --> 00:11:17,080 She knows a lot more about stationery than you're ever going to. 292 00:11:17,080 --> 00:11:18,280 Can't argue with that. 293 00:11:18,280 --> 00:11:20,040 I've always meant to ask you, Dad, 294 00:11:20,040 --> 00:11:23,400 how did you cope with dating my mother and stepmother simultaneously? 295 00:11:23,400 --> 00:11:25,000 How long have you got? 296 00:11:25,000 --> 00:11:26,560 It was 1995. 297 00:11:26,560 --> 00:11:30,000 I was at the peak of my powers, socially, creatively. 298 00:11:30,000 --> 00:11:32,160 And my hair was actually in a very good place, 299 00:11:32,160 --> 00:11:34,160 which I knew wouldn't last. 300 00:11:34,160 --> 00:11:35,320 You can't blame a chap 301 00:11:35,320 --> 00:11:38,240 for making the most of his short window of excellence. 302 00:11:38,240 --> 00:11:41,720 Do you have any photos depicting this short window of excellence? 303 00:11:41,720 --> 00:11:44,080 Austin, Austin, Austin. 304 00:11:44,080 --> 00:11:47,960 Listen, those of us that survived that hedonistic decade 305 00:11:47,960 --> 00:11:51,040 were far too busy enjoying ourselves to take photographs. 306 00:11:51,040 --> 00:11:55,160 And, uh, yeah, I lost the box with my photos in it during a move. 307 00:11:55,160 --> 00:11:56,640 Well, that's a bummer. 308 00:12:00,440 --> 00:12:03,200 (INHALES DEEPLY, EXHALES HEAVILY) 309 00:12:03,200 --> 00:12:07,200 Behold, and this is where you were conceived. 310 00:12:07,200 --> 00:12:10,680 I always thought too much information was a cliche until now. 311 00:12:10,680 --> 00:12:13,520 My old flat, third floor, second from the right. 312 00:12:13,520 --> 00:12:15,320 That's where the magic happened. 313 00:12:15,320 --> 00:12:16,840 Please stop talking, Dad. 314 00:12:16,840 --> 00:12:18,680 Afterwards, in a moment of vulnerability, 315 00:12:18,680 --> 00:12:21,120 I told your mother that I wanted to become a writer. 316 00:12:21,120 --> 00:12:22,840 She told me to stick to catering. 317 00:12:22,840 --> 00:12:25,600 And look at you now. You showed her. 318 00:12:25,600 --> 00:12:27,560 You don't usually go in for sarcasm. 319 00:12:27,560 --> 00:12:28,840 Everything OK? 320 00:12:28,840 --> 00:12:30,280 Truth be told, Dad, 321 00:12:30,280 --> 00:12:34,400 this isn't exactly the British origin story that I was hoping for. 322 00:12:34,400 --> 00:12:37,120 I wanted to know more about my ancestors. 323 00:12:37,120 --> 00:12:39,240 Even just grandparents would have been great. 324 00:12:39,240 --> 00:12:40,600 Whatever happened to them? 325 00:12:40,600 --> 00:12:43,200 This is solid gold material that I'm giving you. 326 00:12:43,200 --> 00:12:45,320 Earmarked for my memoirs, as it happens. 327 00:12:45,320 --> 00:12:47,160 But given to you gratis. 328 00:12:47,160 --> 00:12:48,400 You're welcome. 329 00:12:48,400 --> 00:12:50,920 I would like to know less about you having sex in the previous century 330 00:12:50,920 --> 00:12:52,400 and more about your parents. 331 00:12:52,400 --> 00:12:53,760 You know, my grandparents. 332 00:12:56,040 --> 00:12:57,240 They're dead, mate. 333 00:12:58,760 --> 00:13:01,520 Sorry you never got to meet them. 334 00:13:01,520 --> 00:13:04,240 Now it all makes sense why my origin story tour 335 00:13:04,240 --> 00:13:06,360 has been so deeply unsatisfying. 336 00:13:06,360 --> 00:13:08,840 You were concealing inner pain. 337 00:13:10,960 --> 00:13:13,360 Shall we continue being down in the dumps 338 00:13:13,360 --> 00:13:14,920 or should we just take our leave? 339 00:13:14,920 --> 00:13:16,400 Let's take our leave. 340 00:13:17,760 --> 00:13:20,800 Even you have to admit that if I'm the creative director, 341 00:13:20,800 --> 00:13:22,760 Big Bear stands a thousand percent more chance 342 00:13:22,760 --> 00:13:24,320 of retaining his joie de vivre. 343 00:13:24,320 --> 00:13:25,480 Are you taking your hormones? 344 00:13:25,480 --> 00:13:26,680 I wrote the books! 345 00:13:26,680 --> 00:13:29,520 I'm the one that faced the tyranny of the blank page. 346 00:13:29,520 --> 00:13:31,160 The words came before the pictures. 347 00:13:31,160 --> 00:13:32,800 World's tiniest violin! 348 00:13:32,800 --> 00:13:34,800 And that's actually not true! 349 00:13:34,800 --> 00:13:37,760 My preparatory sketches came long before the words. 350 00:13:37,760 --> 00:13:39,560 (LAUGHS) What, those rough drawings? 351 00:13:39,560 --> 00:13:41,440 Very detailed roughs. 352 00:13:41,440 --> 00:13:42,840 With a colour wash. 353 00:13:42,840 --> 00:13:44,800 No, no, I remember. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The scribbles. 354 00:13:44,800 --> 00:13:48,560 (GASPS) 'Scribbles'. Oh, my God! 355 00:13:48,560 --> 00:13:50,600 OK. This is a scribble. 356 00:13:51,400 --> 00:13:54,040 Right? And this is a sketch. 357 00:13:54,040 --> 00:13:56,160 Oh, can you tell the difference? Can you? 358 00:13:56,160 --> 00:13:57,360 Because I don't think you can. 359 00:13:57,360 --> 00:13:59,760 I feel like I'm not in my body. (STAMMERS) 360 00:13:59,760 --> 00:14:01,760 I'm actually feeling faint. 361 00:14:01,760 --> 00:14:03,200 (SIGHS) (EXHALES HEAVILY) 362 00:14:03,200 --> 00:14:07,040 Dad, do you need an air ambulance or a less exciting ambulance? 363 00:14:07,040 --> 00:14:09,080 No, no, I'm fine. I'm fine. 364 00:14:09,080 --> 00:14:10,680 It only feels like I'm having a stroke. 365 00:14:10,680 --> 00:14:12,000 Excellent. 366 00:14:12,000 --> 00:14:15,080 Now, since your version of my British origin story 367 00:14:15,080 --> 00:14:18,360 was a complete misfire, I've had to investigate it myself. 368 00:14:18,360 --> 00:14:21,080 Don't worry. I do have to sit down, though. Yeah? 369 00:14:21,080 --> 00:14:22,880 It's the stress. 370 00:14:22,880 --> 00:14:24,520 Dad, I am proud to report 371 00:14:24,520 --> 00:14:27,360 that you are a direct descendant of William the Conqueror. 372 00:14:27,360 --> 00:14:30,360 Yes, and I bet William's wife valued his contributions. 373 00:14:30,360 --> 00:14:34,640 Interestingly, William the Conqueror was a total bastard. 374 00:14:34,640 --> 00:14:36,640 And his wife had a name. 375 00:14:36,640 --> 00:14:40,040 I don't currently know what it was, but, you know, she had one. 376 00:14:40,040 --> 00:14:41,440 OK. 377 00:14:41,440 --> 00:14:42,520 (CLEARS THROAT) 378 00:14:42,520 --> 00:14:45,200 Your great-great-grandfather was sentenced to death 379 00:14:45,200 --> 00:14:49,080 for the crime of being in the company of gypsies for longer than a month. 380 00:14:49,080 --> 00:14:50,640 It figures. 381 00:14:50,640 --> 00:14:53,280 Your great-grandmother invented the windshield wiper in 1903. 382 00:14:53,280 --> 00:14:55,600 Exactly. Family genius for creativity. 383 00:14:55,600 --> 00:14:57,040 And your parents... 384 00:14:57,040 --> 00:14:58,400 And that's where it ends. 385 00:14:58,400 --> 00:15:01,440 ..are alive and well and running the Epsom post office. 386 00:15:01,440 --> 00:15:03,000 Hmm. 387 00:15:03,000 --> 00:15:06,200 Poked a bit of a wasp's nest there, Austin. 388 00:15:06,200 --> 00:15:08,000 Matilda of Flanders! 389 00:15:09,120 --> 00:15:10,560 That was her name. 390 00:15:12,360 --> 00:15:16,120 I should also say that during my origin story research, 391 00:15:16,120 --> 00:15:18,480 I discovered that the house you're currently living in 392 00:15:18,480 --> 00:15:20,720 once played host to a homicide. 393 00:15:20,720 --> 00:15:21,840 Of course it did. 394 00:15:21,840 --> 00:15:23,480 And some very keen swingers. 395 00:15:23,480 --> 00:15:24,680 Comic. 396 00:15:24,680 --> 00:15:27,920 Balance out the horror with... more horror. 397 00:15:27,920 --> 00:15:30,400 Are you quite alright? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. 398 00:15:30,400 --> 00:15:31,920 I don't know why you're worried. 399 00:15:31,920 --> 00:15:34,240 If anyone should be worried, it should be me. 400 00:15:34,240 --> 00:15:37,160 Your granny absolutely loathes me. 401 00:15:37,160 --> 00:15:39,440 She doesn't loathe you. Yes, she does. 402 00:15:39,440 --> 00:15:42,120 You know that she once said that I was so up myself... 403 00:15:42,120 --> 00:15:43,760 Oh, not in front of the children. 404 00:15:44,960 --> 00:15:48,400 Austin, do you know what passive aggression is? 405 00:15:48,400 --> 00:15:50,600 Yes, I believe Greta's already told me about that. 406 00:15:50,600 --> 00:15:51,760 OK, that's great. 407 00:15:51,760 --> 00:15:55,440 Because if it were a martial art, your grandparents would be senseis. 408 00:15:55,440 --> 00:15:57,120 OK, good to know. 409 00:15:57,120 --> 00:15:59,680 OK. Shall we go? 410 00:15:59,680 --> 00:16:00,680 Sure. 411 00:16:00,680 --> 00:16:04,120 I must say, I'm feeling quite up for another bout with the old witch. 412 00:16:04,120 --> 00:16:06,120 Witch? Granny. 413 00:16:06,120 --> 00:16:07,120 OK. 414 00:16:10,280 --> 00:16:11,800 (KNOCKS ON DOOR) 415 00:16:22,280 --> 00:16:23,400 Well, that's that, then. 416 00:16:23,400 --> 00:16:24,520 Shall we go and get an ice-cream? 417 00:16:24,520 --> 00:16:26,440 It's fine, Dad. I'll take it from here. 418 00:16:31,080 --> 00:16:33,200 Before you shut the door on me, 419 00:16:33,200 --> 00:16:38,440 I just want you to know that I come in peace and bearing gifts. 420 00:16:38,440 --> 00:16:40,280 My name is Austin Hogan. 421 00:16:40,280 --> 00:16:42,720 I love railways and I'm also your grandson. 422 00:16:42,720 --> 00:16:44,320 Probably should have started with that. 423 00:16:44,320 --> 00:16:47,160 Despite the travesties that my father may have committed, 424 00:16:47,160 --> 00:16:49,760 I would still like an introduction to you and your husband, 425 00:16:49,760 --> 00:16:52,400 who I believe is my grandfather. 426 00:16:53,960 --> 00:16:56,480 She's making tea. Great. 427 00:16:57,680 --> 00:16:58,920 I'm parched. 428 00:16:58,920 --> 00:17:00,400 You're not getting the good tea set. 429 00:17:00,400 --> 00:17:01,680 I wouldn't expect the good tea set. 430 00:17:01,680 --> 00:17:04,400 And it's debatable whether you'll get digestives. 431 00:17:06,680 --> 00:17:11,040 I can't believe we're only finding out we have a grandson now. 432 00:17:11,040 --> 00:17:15,440 Well, to be fair, Julian only found out about Austin quite recently. 433 00:17:15,440 --> 00:17:18,320 So you're still on the scene then, Ingrid? 434 00:17:18,320 --> 00:17:19,840 (LAUGHS) 435 00:17:19,840 --> 00:17:21,200 Yeah. 436 00:17:21,200 --> 00:17:24,200 I have actually been married to your son for quite a while now. 437 00:17:24,200 --> 00:17:28,200 Mike, take a picture of me with Austin. Is that OK? 438 00:17:28,200 --> 00:17:30,000 Yeah, of course. I'd be honoured. 439 00:17:30,000 --> 00:17:32,400 Do you know where the camera is? No. 440 00:17:32,400 --> 00:17:34,920 Can't believe you've still only got one phone between you. 441 00:17:34,920 --> 00:17:36,520 We only need one. 442 00:17:36,520 --> 00:17:38,440 If you spend all your time with someone, 443 00:17:38,440 --> 00:17:39,960 why would you need two phones? 444 00:17:39,960 --> 00:17:41,720 So you can call other people? 445 00:17:41,720 --> 00:17:43,640 Or maybe there's nobody else we want to talk to. 446 00:17:43,640 --> 00:17:45,360 15 years! 447 00:17:47,080 --> 00:17:51,320 You don't answer my calls, my emails, my letters. 448 00:17:51,320 --> 00:17:52,800 I don't even know what I've done. 449 00:17:52,800 --> 00:17:54,920 One day you just stopped communicating. 450 00:17:54,920 --> 00:17:56,680 You know exactly what you've done. 451 00:17:56,680 --> 00:17:57,680 I'm sorry, but I don't. 452 00:17:57,680 --> 00:17:59,280 I mean, could you give me a hint? 453 00:17:59,280 --> 00:18:05,600 You named Big Bear's wolf enemies, Elaine and Mike, after us. 454 00:18:05,600 --> 00:18:07,520 Broke your mother's heart. What are you talking about? 455 00:18:07,520 --> 00:18:09,280 What do you mean, what am I talking about? 456 00:18:09,280 --> 00:18:13,080 Those evil wolves that kidnap children have our names. 457 00:18:14,640 --> 00:18:17,120 Those wolves aren't named after you. 458 00:18:17,120 --> 00:18:20,320 They're named after Mike Nichols and Elaine May. 459 00:18:21,640 --> 00:18:22,840 Never heard of them. 460 00:18:22,840 --> 00:18:24,720 Allow me to explain. 461 00:18:24,720 --> 00:18:27,120 They were pioneers of modern sketch comedy, 462 00:18:27,120 --> 00:18:29,960 and then they went on to become writers and directors 463 00:18:29,960 --> 00:18:32,880 of some of the greatest films in modern cinema. 464 00:18:32,880 --> 00:18:35,160 Did either of them make Mamma Mia? 465 00:18:35,160 --> 00:18:36,200 No. 466 00:18:36,200 --> 00:18:37,920 Mamma Mia 2? 467 00:18:37,920 --> 00:18:39,920 The point is, those wolves aren't named after you. 468 00:18:39,920 --> 00:18:41,440 Ingrid... 469 00:18:42,760 --> 00:18:45,360 ..you help with the books, don't you? 470 00:18:45,360 --> 00:18:47,720 Um, if by help with the books 471 00:18:47,720 --> 00:18:51,560 you mean you illustrated every single one of them, yes. 472 00:18:51,560 --> 00:18:52,600 Yes, I do. 473 00:18:52,600 --> 00:18:57,280 And is it true that the wolves are named after Thiggy and Thingy? 474 00:18:57,280 --> 00:19:00,920 Um, after the director of The Graduate 475 00:19:00,920 --> 00:19:04,960 and the writer of The Birdcage? 476 00:19:04,960 --> 00:19:06,800 (GASPS) Well, I just... 477 00:19:06,800 --> 00:19:08,920 I can't believe you're even asking me that question. 478 00:19:08,920 --> 00:19:12,440 I mean, yeah, of course it's true! 479 00:19:12,440 --> 00:19:14,000 I don't know if I believe her. 480 00:19:14,000 --> 00:19:15,000 Neither do I. 481 00:19:15,000 --> 00:19:16,400 Oh, the phone, I found it. 482 00:19:16,400 --> 00:19:18,760 Oh, yes, well done, Austin. Where was it? 483 00:19:18,760 --> 00:19:20,560 It was just under the cushion. 484 00:19:20,560 --> 00:19:21,960 Shall we take the photo now? 485 00:19:21,960 --> 00:19:23,880 Here, OK, let's do that. 486 00:19:30,200 --> 00:19:31,760 Austin, isn't your grandmother 487 00:19:31,760 --> 00:19:34,040 the most attractive woman you have ever seen? 488 00:19:34,040 --> 00:19:36,200 I'm not really sure if it's appropriate for me 489 00:19:36,200 --> 00:19:38,560 to comment on that, but yes. 490 00:19:38,560 --> 00:19:41,040 Your grandfather's still my stag. 491 00:19:41,040 --> 00:19:42,120 (GROWLS) (CAMERA CLICKS) 492 00:19:42,120 --> 00:19:44,320 Would you like to take a photo of me as well? 493 00:19:44,320 --> 00:19:46,320 Oh, no, I don't think there's enough battery. 494 00:19:46,320 --> 00:19:48,000 We like you, Austin. Thanks. 495 00:19:48,000 --> 00:19:50,400 We're going to give you the number for the mobile phone. 496 00:19:50,400 --> 00:19:51,400 Thank you. 497 00:19:51,400 --> 00:19:53,480 It's turned off after 6pm, save the battery. 498 00:19:53,480 --> 00:19:54,960 Ah, right. 499 00:19:54,960 --> 00:19:55,960 (CLEARS THROAT) 500 00:19:55,960 --> 00:19:58,720 Grandma, do you happen to have any old photos of my dad? 501 00:19:58,720 --> 00:20:01,840 I'm not sure, we might have got rid of them during the last clear out. 502 00:20:01,840 --> 00:20:05,440 No, you wanted to, but I said keep some back just in case. 503 00:20:05,440 --> 00:20:07,400 Oh, yes, and they're down there 504 00:20:07,400 --> 00:20:10,040 under the board games and the takeaway leaflet. 505 00:20:10,040 --> 00:20:11,360 I know my place. 506 00:20:11,360 --> 00:20:13,040 Would you like some tea, Austin? 507 00:20:13,040 --> 00:20:14,200 Please and thank you. 508 00:20:15,240 --> 00:20:17,400 Now, that's a lovely picture. 509 00:20:19,440 --> 00:20:23,600 Now, what era of your father's life would you like to look at? 510 00:20:23,600 --> 00:20:27,480 Could I possibly see a photograph of Dad back in 1995 511 00:20:27,480 --> 00:20:31,280 when he was at the peak of his artistic powers 512 00:20:31,280 --> 00:20:33,840 and his hair was also in a really good place? 513 00:20:33,840 --> 00:20:35,240 Coming right up. 514 00:20:37,880 --> 00:20:40,640 There's me and Mike doing Keep Fit. 515 00:20:43,000 --> 00:20:45,800 Ooh, that one's a bit saucy. 516 00:20:45,800 --> 00:20:49,160 You must have at least one photo of me from the '90s. 517 00:20:49,160 --> 00:20:50,880 Here we are, look. 518 00:20:50,880 --> 00:20:53,880 There's your dad and Ingrid on one of their first dates. 519 00:20:53,880 --> 00:20:55,560 That's actually my mother. 520 00:20:55,560 --> 00:20:56,600 So it is. 521 00:20:57,840 --> 00:20:59,480 Isn't she pretty? 522 00:20:59,480 --> 00:21:01,000 I suppose she is. 523 00:21:06,320 --> 00:21:09,320 The Elaine and Mike characters weren't named after Nichols and May, 524 00:21:09,320 --> 00:21:10,320 were they? 525 00:21:10,320 --> 00:21:12,160 Oh, God, no. Named after Mum and Dad. 526 00:21:13,240 --> 00:21:15,000 (GASPS) Oh, God. Heidi. 527 00:21:15,000 --> 00:21:17,400 The Australian producers are calling us tonight. 528 00:21:17,400 --> 00:21:19,520 Well, that's got to be good, isn't it? 529 00:21:19,520 --> 00:21:21,560 I mean, they wouldn't be calling if they didn't want the show. 530 00:21:21,560 --> 00:21:23,360 But they might be calling to say they don't want it now. 531 00:21:23,360 --> 00:21:25,400 They could be saying that they'll just keep us in mind 532 00:21:25,400 --> 00:21:27,120 if they get a space available on their slate. 533 00:21:27,120 --> 00:21:29,000 Or they could be calling to yell at us 534 00:21:29,000 --> 00:21:31,080 for not accepting their original offer two years ago. 535 00:21:31,080 --> 00:21:32,440 OK, but now are we spiralling? 536 00:21:32,440 --> 00:21:34,880 Yeah, we're spiralling. We're spiralling. 537 00:21:34,880 --> 00:21:37,240 Phwoar! I don't want to be like my dad. 538 00:21:37,240 --> 00:21:40,040 I don't want to be the sort of person that never compromises. 539 00:21:41,520 --> 00:21:45,760 Julian, I think you are the opposite of your dad in every single way. 540 00:21:45,760 --> 00:21:48,480 And believe me, there is no higher compliment. 541 00:21:48,480 --> 00:21:52,280 Thank you. Thanks for having my back in there, by the way. 542 00:21:52,280 --> 00:21:53,440 Sensei. 543 00:21:53,440 --> 00:21:55,520 Sensei. 544 00:21:57,160 --> 00:21:59,160 Let's be joint creative directors. 545 00:22:02,280 --> 00:22:04,120 Joint creative directors? Mm. 546 00:22:05,520 --> 00:22:07,400 Yeah, that could work. 547 00:22:07,400 --> 00:22:09,000 You know, if they don't buy the show, 548 00:22:09,000 --> 00:22:11,600 it's at least allowed us to dream of keeping Big Bear alive 549 00:22:11,600 --> 00:22:14,840 and occasionally shopping from the Tesco Finest range. 550 00:22:17,480 --> 00:22:18,720 I think you're a genius. 551 00:22:19,880 --> 00:22:22,040 I think you're a genius. 552 00:22:22,040 --> 00:22:24,400 Julian, no, you're the genius. You're more of a genius than me. 553 00:22:24,400 --> 00:22:25,880 I'm more of a genius than you are? 554 00:22:25,880 --> 00:22:27,880 Sorry to break a tender moment, guys. 555 00:22:27,880 --> 00:22:30,960 Just a friendly reminder that you're not exactly alone. 556 00:22:30,960 --> 00:22:33,560 But feel free to continue when I'm not present. 557 00:22:34,880 --> 00:22:35,960 Sorry. Yeah. 558 00:22:35,960 --> 00:22:38,320 It's absolutely fair enough. Right. 559 00:22:38,320 --> 00:22:39,800 (MUTTERS INDISTINCTLY) 560 00:22:39,800 --> 00:22:40,800 Oof! 561 00:22:40,800 --> 00:22:41,800 Hey, Dad. 562 00:22:41,800 --> 00:22:45,440 I've just spoken to my stepmother, and I think we need to make a pact. 563 00:22:45,440 --> 00:22:46,560 No more lies. 564 00:22:46,560 --> 00:22:47,800 Sure. 565 00:22:47,800 --> 00:22:49,480 I'm sorry, I find it really difficult 566 00:22:49,480 --> 00:22:51,720 talking about my relationship with my parents. 567 00:22:51,720 --> 00:22:54,040 It's tough growing up being the least favourite child, 568 00:22:54,040 --> 00:22:55,760 especially when there's only one of you. 569 00:22:55,760 --> 00:22:58,200 That is quite sad, I'll admit. 570 00:22:58,200 --> 00:23:00,720 But still, no more lies. 571 00:23:00,720 --> 00:23:01,800 Sure. 572 00:23:01,800 --> 00:23:04,560 What do you think? Would you be tempted back into the marital bed? 573 00:23:04,560 --> 00:23:07,760 On that subject, may I suggest that you try this? 574 00:23:07,760 --> 00:23:09,480 It's called MANifestation. 575 00:23:09,480 --> 00:23:11,600 The scent of rare leathers and burnt driftwood. 576 00:23:11,600 --> 00:23:13,480 Mm. Ooh, yeah. 577 00:23:13,480 --> 00:23:14,840 That was an air dab. 578 00:23:14,840 --> 00:23:15,880 That was not an air dab. 579 00:23:15,880 --> 00:23:17,520 Flesh and cologne must meet. 580 00:23:17,520 --> 00:23:19,720 We agreed on no more lies, remember? 581 00:23:22,160 --> 00:23:23,760 Perfect. 582 00:23:23,760 --> 00:23:25,600 Smells very, um... 583 00:23:25,600 --> 00:23:27,000 Australian. 584 00:23:27,000 --> 00:23:29,520 Trust me, Dad, this is bound to help you. 585 00:23:29,520 --> 00:23:30,920 Yeah, that'll keep the flies off. 586 00:23:30,920 --> 00:23:32,560 (SIGHS) 587 00:23:34,600 --> 00:23:37,200 (BILL GROANS) 588 00:23:37,200 --> 00:23:40,480 Still got a headache that'd kill a small buffalo. 589 00:23:40,480 --> 00:23:42,200 We've been back for weeks, Dad. 590 00:23:43,200 --> 00:23:46,680 Besides, I thought you said jet lag was God's way of saying, 591 00:23:46,680 --> 00:23:49,240 "You should have flown premium economy." 592 00:23:49,240 --> 00:23:52,600 I think God's turned his back on premium economy. 593 00:23:52,600 --> 00:23:54,480 (PHONE RINGS) 594 00:23:54,480 --> 00:23:56,320 Ooh. 595 00:23:56,320 --> 00:23:58,360 Hello, sweetheart! 596 00:23:58,360 --> 00:24:00,560 Mum, I have some exciting news. 597 00:24:00,560 --> 00:24:03,040 My book has been picked up by a major publisher. 598 00:24:03,040 --> 00:24:04,800 You bloody legend! That's bloody marvellous! 599 00:24:04,800 --> 00:24:07,840 I was tasked with providing them my British origin story, 600 00:24:07,840 --> 00:24:10,200 which covered everything from where I was conceived... 601 00:24:10,200 --> 00:24:12,120 Oh, well, Austin, that's disgusting. 602 00:24:12,120 --> 00:24:13,520 ..to where I live now. 603 00:24:13,520 --> 00:24:17,320 But what's more interesting is the screenshot I just sent you. 604 00:24:17,320 --> 00:24:21,080 It's the Google Street View of my father and stepmother's house. 605 00:24:21,080 --> 00:24:24,840 And if you'll notice, there's a car parked out the front. 606 00:24:24,840 --> 00:24:25,880 Yeah? 607 00:24:25,880 --> 00:24:30,120 Now zoom in and take a gander at the two people inside it. 608 00:24:30,120 --> 00:24:31,960 Do they seem familiar to you? 609 00:24:33,360 --> 00:24:35,240 Because they seem familiar to me. 610 00:24:35,240 --> 00:24:37,080 Austin, love, I think we're breaking up. 611 00:24:37,080 --> 00:24:38,640 I can't hear you very well. 612 00:24:38,640 --> 00:24:40,120 Mum, we're on a Wi-Fi call. 613 00:24:40,120 --> 00:24:41,200 It doesn't break up. 614 00:24:41,200 --> 00:24:43,040 It's alright. I've pulled the Wi-Fi. 615 00:24:43,040 --> 00:24:45,840 Grandad, when you pull the Wi-Fi out of the modem, 616 00:24:45,840 --> 00:24:48,160 the mobile data automatically takes over. 617 00:24:48,160 --> 00:24:51,160 I know you did what you did because you love me. 618 00:24:51,160 --> 00:24:54,000 But in future, it would be nice if that love was expressed 619 00:24:54,000 --> 00:24:56,200 in a more legal way. 620 00:24:56,200 --> 00:24:58,200 He's totally onto us. (PHONE BEEPS) 621 00:24:58,200 --> 00:25:00,360 I've got to somehow spin this. 622 00:25:00,360 --> 00:25:02,960 Grandad, I can still hear you. 623 00:25:02,960 --> 00:25:04,600 You just turned your speaker off. 624 00:25:04,600 --> 00:25:05,800 Oh, bugger! 625 00:25:10,160 --> 00:25:12,520 Does this taste of air freshener? 626 00:25:12,520 --> 00:25:15,080 Oh, no, it's MANifestation. 627 00:25:15,080 --> 00:25:16,480 Aftershave. 628 00:25:16,480 --> 00:25:18,160 Austin insisted I wore it. 629 00:25:18,160 --> 00:25:20,040 You smell of an airport bathroom. 630 00:25:20,040 --> 00:25:21,200 Thank you. 631 00:25:21,200 --> 00:25:22,920 That's one of the more upscale bathrooms 632 00:25:22,920 --> 00:25:24,440 you've accused me of smelling like. 633 00:25:24,440 --> 00:25:26,200 (BOTH LAUGH) 634 00:25:27,200 --> 00:25:29,480 Um, something I've been meaning to ask you, actually. 635 00:25:29,480 --> 00:25:30,600 Well, that's strange, 636 00:25:30,600 --> 00:25:32,680 because there's something I've been meaning to ask you too. 637 00:25:32,680 --> 00:25:34,280 Oh, you first. 638 00:25:34,280 --> 00:25:36,720 Well, I believe that we have been experiencing 639 00:25:36,720 --> 00:25:38,400 something of a rapprochement. 640 00:25:38,400 --> 00:25:40,240 Certainement. We're getting on better here. 641 00:25:40,240 --> 00:25:41,400 Yeah, definitely. 642 00:25:41,400 --> 00:25:44,520 And while my feminine power absolutely rocks 643 00:25:44,520 --> 00:25:46,120 and I will surrender it for no man... 644 00:25:46,120 --> 00:25:47,320 Nach. 645 00:25:47,320 --> 00:25:50,360 .I. do still find you very, very... 646 00:25:50,360 --> 00:25:52,400 (PHONE RINGS) 647 00:25:52,400 --> 00:25:53,960 Hi! 648 00:25:53,960 --> 00:25:55,440 (LAUGHS) Hi! 649 00:25:55,440 --> 00:25:58,760 Hey, um, I've actually got Agatha on the line, 650 00:25:58,760 --> 00:26:02,320 the executive producer from Tree TV in Australia. 651 00:26:02,320 --> 00:26:03,560 G'day. 652 00:26:03,560 --> 00:26:04,760 It's goodnight here. 653 00:26:04,760 --> 00:26:06,240 (BAD ENGLISH ACCENT) Oh, hello. 654 00:26:06,240 --> 00:26:09,200 Top of the morning to you. (LAUGHS) 655 00:26:09,200 --> 00:26:10,880 (NORMAL ACCENT) So great, so great. 656 00:26:10,880 --> 00:26:11,880 (LAUGHS) 657 00:26:11,880 --> 00:26:15,080 Hey, I just want to say thank you for remembering us. 658 00:26:15,080 --> 00:26:16,160 (LAUGHS) 659 00:26:16,160 --> 00:26:18,040 Although we remembered you too. 660 00:26:18,040 --> 00:26:20,160 The second thing I want to say is... 661 00:26:20,160 --> 00:26:22,520 we want to buy your show. 662 00:26:23,560 --> 00:26:26,200 Oh, that's so fantastic to hear. 663 00:26:26,200 --> 00:26:29,920 Yeah, we actually have 40 territories worldwide 664 00:26:29,920 --> 00:26:32,440 who want a live-action version of Big Bear. 665 00:26:32,440 --> 00:26:36,280 However, 36 of those 40 don't want Julian anywhere near the project. 666 00:26:36,280 --> 00:26:38,680 That means that they are willing to accept... 667 00:26:38,680 --> 00:26:41,840 Sorry, you don't want me... what? 668 00:26:41,840 --> 00:26:43,880 No, Julian, this is a good thing. 669 00:26:43,880 --> 00:26:45,240 How? 670 00:26:45,240 --> 00:26:46,920 Yes, you may miss the first two seasons, 671 00:26:46,920 --> 00:26:50,360 but just imagine the impact you can have when we secretly, 672 00:26:50,360 --> 00:26:52,440 just quietly bring you back after that. 673 00:26:52,440 --> 00:26:53,600 Oh, right, yeah, 674 00:26:53,600 --> 00:26:55,680 after you've won all the awards and everyone hates each other? 675 00:26:55,680 --> 00:26:59,000 Yeah. You'll be our little rocket booster. 676 00:26:59,000 --> 00:27:00,640 (LAUGHS) 677 00:27:00,640 --> 00:27:02,040 Well, that doesn't sound patronising. 678 00:27:02,040 --> 00:27:04,360 Hey, I know you're not a bad guy. 679 00:27:04,360 --> 00:27:07,280 And I can't wait to work with you in three to four years' time. 680 00:27:07,280 --> 00:27:08,520 Well, I wish you all the best. 681 00:27:08,520 --> 00:27:10,600 And, Ingrid, I just want to say 682 00:27:10,600 --> 00:27:15,800 I can't wait to work with you as the creative director on Big Bear 683 00:27:15,800 --> 00:27:20,040 and for you to get the best possible outcome for the bear-niverse. 684 00:27:20,040 --> 00:27:22,000 Thanks so much, Agatha. No, thank you. 685 00:27:27,080 --> 00:27:29,280 Ooh, well, that's a turn-up. 686 00:27:32,600 --> 00:27:34,400 I don't really want to talk about it. 687 00:27:35,480 --> 00:27:36,960 I don't suppose you want to talk about 688 00:27:36,960 --> 00:27:38,400 why you don't want to talk about it? 689 00:27:38,400 --> 00:27:39,480 Not really. 690 00:27:57,520 --> 00:27:58,840 Hi, Heidi. 691 00:27:58,840 --> 00:28:01,920 I've been thinking about this TV adaptation. 692 00:28:01,920 --> 00:28:03,320 Yeah, we've always said we're a team. 693 00:28:03,320 --> 00:28:04,600 It's both of us or neither. 694 00:28:04,600 --> 00:28:06,240 No pair... BOTH: No bear. 695 00:28:06,240 --> 00:28:08,120 But what if Greta's the one? 696 00:28:08,120 --> 00:28:10,760 And it's our destiny to get married and be together forever? 697 00:28:10,760 --> 00:28:13,320 I was wondering if you might like to go to dinner with me. 698 00:28:13,320 --> 00:28:14,520 Yeah, sure, why not? 699 00:28:14,520 --> 00:28:16,440 Look, you can tell Austin's happy. 700 00:28:16,440 --> 00:28:19,240 Was this a friend date or a date date? 701 00:28:19,240 --> 00:28:20,560 Oh, bless you. 702 00:28:21,305 --> 00:29:21,910 Support us and become VIP member to remove all ads from www.OpenSubtitles.org