"Mrs. Brown's Boys" Mammy's Talent

1 00:00:10,360 --> 00:00:11,997 MRS BROWN CACKLES 2 00:00:12,080 --> 00:00:15,917 ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Mrs Brown's Boys! 3 00:00:16,000 --> 00:00:18,637 ♪ She's Mrs Brown ♪ Agnes 4 00:00:18,720 --> 00:00:21,717 ♪ That's Mrs Brown ♪ Agnes 5 00:00:21,800 --> 00:00:24,520 ♪ Our Mrs Brown. ♪ 6 00:00:29,680 --> 00:00:31,717 SHE GRUNTS 7 00:00:31,800 --> 00:00:33,520 SHE GROANS 8 00:00:35,920 --> 00:00:38,237 Hello, campers! 9 00:00:38,320 --> 00:00:40,757 As they used to say in Hi-de-Hi! 10 00:00:40,840 --> 00:00:43,357 Hi-de-Hi!, you know, it was a comedy 11 00:00:43,440 --> 00:00:46,520 based in Maplins Holiday... Oh, it doesn't matter. 12 00:00:48,240 --> 00:00:50,917 We never had a real holiday when I was a child. 13 00:00:51,000 --> 00:00:52,517 AUDIENCE: Aww! 14 00:00:52,600 --> 00:00:53,837 We couldn't afford it. 15 00:00:53,920 --> 00:00:56,960 You see, my father invested all his money in sick horses. 16 00:00:58,600 --> 00:01:01,520 He didn't know they were sick at the time he backed them. 17 00:01:03,480 --> 00:01:05,597 No, no, we had nothing, thanks to him. 18 00:01:05,680 --> 00:01:08,117 Even at Holy Communion time, 19 00:01:08,200 --> 00:01:10,117 all the girls got little white dresses. 20 00:01:10,200 --> 00:01:13,797 Me? I got a veil, and he let me look out the window. 21 00:01:13,880 --> 00:01:15,277 Mm... 22 00:01:15,360 --> 00:01:17,037 All I had was hand-me-downs. AUDIENCE: Aww! 23 00:01:17,120 --> 00:01:21,197 I was the only girl in my ballet class with football boots. 24 00:01:21,280 --> 00:01:23,637 Hello, Mrs Brown, I'm just heading off. 25 00:01:23,720 --> 00:01:26,437 Oh, hello, Dr Flynn. I didn't know he was down for a checkup. 26 00:01:26,520 --> 00:01:29,037 No, I was just dropping in some pamphlets to Grandad 27 00:01:29,120 --> 00:01:31,677 that he asked me about, about homes. 28 00:01:31,760 --> 00:01:34,717 Oh, funeral homes. It's getting to that time, all right. 29 00:01:34,800 --> 00:01:37,517 Now, what we do is we let him pick the best coffin he can, 30 00:01:37,600 --> 00:01:40,917 and we'll bury him in a cardboard box. 31 00:01:41,000 --> 00:01:43,517 Not funeral homes, care homes. 32 00:01:43,600 --> 00:01:45,237 Care homes? 33 00:01:45,320 --> 00:01:47,117 Yeah. Some lovely ones. 34 00:01:47,200 --> 00:01:49,117 But I'm sure he'll choose what's right for him. 35 00:01:49,200 --> 00:01:51,877 I'm sure he will. Right, I'm off. 36 00:01:51,960 --> 00:01:54,200 Yeah, see you, Dr Flynn. 37 00:01:56,440 --> 00:01:59,037 Are you all right, Grandad? I'm fine. 38 00:01:59,120 --> 00:02:00,597 AUDIENCE: Aww! 39 00:02:00,680 --> 00:02:02,040 Are you here, Agnes? 40 00:02:03,440 --> 00:02:05,477 Do you want a cup of tea? 41 00:02:05,560 --> 00:02:07,717 Not if it's going to depress you. 42 00:02:07,800 --> 00:02:10,117 No, it's not... Do you feckin' want one or not? 43 00:02:10,200 --> 00:02:12,757 Yeah. I had to get out of the house. 44 00:02:12,840 --> 00:02:15,917 My Enzo is fixing his motorbike - in the kitchen. 45 00:02:16,000 --> 00:02:18,757 Why did you call him Enzo? Was his father Italian? 46 00:02:18,840 --> 00:02:21,240 I don't know, he paid me in sterling. 47 00:02:23,640 --> 00:02:26,077 I remember thinking, "That's the end, so..." 48 00:02:26,160 --> 00:02:28,357 So I called him Enzo! 49 00:02:28,440 --> 00:02:31,680 Well, I won't ask you about your youngest, Little Willy. 50 00:02:33,040 --> 00:02:35,437 I'd love to tell you it's a lo-o-ong story. 51 00:02:35,520 --> 00:02:37,200 But it's not. 52 00:02:38,840 --> 00:02:41,077 How are yous? How are you, Winnie? 53 00:02:41,160 --> 00:02:43,957 Cup of tea, Agnes, please. Coming up. 54 00:02:44,040 --> 00:02:46,437 Winnie, did I see you in the village this morning 55 00:02:46,520 --> 00:02:48,077 coming out of the joke shop? 56 00:02:48,160 --> 00:02:50,477 Yeah. I'm exhausted. 57 00:02:50,560 --> 00:02:52,557 I've been looking all morning for a costume. 58 00:02:52,640 --> 00:02:54,277 A costume? For what? 59 00:02:54,360 --> 00:02:57,317 For Father Damien's yearly thingy, you know, 60 00:02:57,400 --> 00:03:00,277 Stars Of Finglas. So, what costume did you pick? 61 00:03:00,360 --> 00:03:02,917 I'm not saying! It's a surprise. 62 00:03:03,000 --> 00:03:06,397 What is your talent? Impersonations. Oh! 63 00:03:06,480 --> 00:03:08,440 You should try impersonating a human. 64 00:03:10,680 --> 00:03:12,517 It's a surprise. 65 00:03:12,600 --> 00:03:14,437 I look forward to seeing it, so. 66 00:03:14,520 --> 00:03:15,997 Birdie? Yeah? 67 00:03:16,080 --> 00:03:19,677 Did Grandad mention anything to you about care homes? No, why? 68 00:03:19,760 --> 00:03:21,397 Nothing, just thinking. 69 00:03:21,480 --> 00:03:25,397 My mother was in a care home, Agnes, and she loved it there. 70 00:03:25,480 --> 00:03:27,597 I've never seen her so happy. 71 00:03:27,680 --> 00:03:29,677 Yeah, it was beautiful. 72 00:03:29,760 --> 00:03:31,477 Beautiful, yeah. 73 00:03:31,560 --> 00:03:33,437 Right, OK. I'll see yous. 74 00:03:33,520 --> 00:03:36,360 See you, Birdie. See you, Birdie. See you, Grandad! 75 00:03:40,080 --> 00:03:42,877 Oh, hello, Mrs Nicholson! Birdie. 76 00:03:42,960 --> 00:03:46,117 She's in the kitchen. As always. 77 00:03:46,200 --> 00:03:47,797 Morning, Agnes. 78 00:03:47,880 --> 00:03:50,357 Yeah, hello, Hilliary. Er... 79 00:03:50,440 --> 00:03:52,797 Do sit down. 80 00:03:52,880 --> 00:03:55,677 Morning, Hillary. Yes. 81 00:03:55,760 --> 00:03:58,557 I'm here on an important mission. Do you want tea? 82 00:03:58,640 --> 00:04:01,280 Have you got anything herbal? Me shampoo. 83 00:04:03,920 --> 00:04:05,437 No, thank you. 84 00:04:05,520 --> 00:04:08,037 So, I'm putting together a petition, 85 00:04:08,120 --> 00:04:10,157 and I'd like to get your signature. 86 00:04:10,240 --> 00:04:12,877 What's it about? Well, it's a demand... 87 00:04:12,960 --> 00:04:15,477 ...about the sewage plant. What about it? 88 00:04:15,560 --> 00:04:17,197 It stinks. 89 00:04:17,280 --> 00:04:19,597 I'm shocked! 90 00:04:19,680 --> 00:04:21,597 A sewage plant that stinks? 91 00:04:21,680 --> 00:04:23,477 But there's no reason for it. 92 00:04:23,560 --> 00:04:25,397 There are ways to reduce the... 93 00:04:25,480 --> 00:04:28,037 ...let's say emissions, that are not being implemented 94 00:04:28,120 --> 00:04:29,757 at our local plant. 95 00:04:29,840 --> 00:04:33,757 I'll sign it, but I know the council will say that, just like you, 96 00:04:33,840 --> 00:04:35,840 it's full of shit. 97 00:04:42,320 --> 00:04:44,237 Cathy, is there something bothering your mother? 98 00:04:44,320 --> 00:04:47,157 Not that I know of, Father. She did say she was worried about Grandad 99 00:04:47,240 --> 00:04:49,837 because he's not eating. She should do what my mother used to do. 100 00:04:49,920 --> 00:04:51,917 She'd get a spoonful of food and go, 101 00:04:52,000 --> 00:04:54,237 "The train is coming! Chug-a-chugga, chug-a-chugga!" 102 00:04:54,320 --> 00:04:56,637 "Choo-choo! Choo-choo!" 103 00:04:56,720 --> 00:04:59,157 And you'd eat your food? Oh, you'd have to, Cathy, 104 00:04:59,240 --> 00:05:02,560 otherwise she wouldn't untie you from the tracks. Stop! 105 00:05:04,880 --> 00:05:07,040 Aye, aye, here's the shite detective. 106 00:05:08,760 --> 00:05:11,117 Inspector Pooseau. 107 00:05:11,200 --> 00:05:14,117 Well, ladies, I've got vox populi. 108 00:05:14,200 --> 00:05:17,760 Oh good, well, keep using the cream twice a day. 109 00:05:19,040 --> 00:05:21,197 It's Latin, dear, "Voice of the people", 110 00:05:21,280 --> 00:05:22,757 the people have spoken. 111 00:05:22,840 --> 00:05:25,357 And what does vox popu-lilo say? 112 00:05:25,440 --> 00:05:28,997 My petition. 200 signatures have forced the sewage plant 113 00:05:29,080 --> 00:05:33,277 to implement changes to remove the foul odours it spews. 114 00:05:33,360 --> 00:05:35,477 That's nice. 115 00:05:35,560 --> 00:05:38,037 Veni, vidi, vici. What? 116 00:05:38,120 --> 00:05:40,680 I think Cathy got me a bottle of that for Christmas. 117 00:05:41,760 --> 00:05:43,917 Latin again. 118 00:05:44,000 --> 00:05:48,557 It's a well-known phrase. "I came, I saw, I conquered." 119 00:05:48,640 --> 00:05:50,877 I've used a phrase like that. Mm? 120 00:05:50,960 --> 00:05:53,717 I came, give me a fag, now feck off. 121 00:05:53,800 --> 00:05:57,240 AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND APPLAUDS 122 00:05:59,080 --> 00:06:01,400 You know, I did Latin in school. 123 00:06:03,040 --> 00:06:05,437 I was in your class in school, I don't remember that. 124 00:06:05,520 --> 00:06:07,637 Well, maybe it wasn't Latin. 125 00:06:07,720 --> 00:06:11,037 What language does the word "redundant" come from? 126 00:06:11,120 --> 00:06:14,720 English. Ah, it was English, so. 127 00:06:16,080 --> 00:06:18,960 It'll come in handy if I visit London. 128 00:06:20,520 --> 00:06:23,477 But you already... Birdie, just leave it there. 129 00:06:23,560 --> 00:06:25,797 I feel sorry for schoolkids nowadays, 130 00:06:25,880 --> 00:06:27,997 the amount of homework they get. 131 00:06:28,080 --> 00:06:29,997 Bono does be exhausted. 132 00:06:30,080 --> 00:06:33,037 Yeah, well, at least they don't get the cane any more, Agnes. 133 00:06:33,120 --> 00:06:35,637 I was terrified of our old teacher. 134 00:06:35,720 --> 00:06:38,197 With good reason. If we made a mistake, 135 00:06:38,280 --> 00:06:41,317 we got 20 lashes across our knuckles. 136 00:06:41,400 --> 00:06:44,357 In my school, we got our arses caned. 137 00:06:44,440 --> 00:06:46,717 OK... Mm. 138 00:06:46,800 --> 00:06:48,797 Mind you, I only ever got it the once. 139 00:06:48,880 --> 00:06:50,597 You must've been well behaved, so. 140 00:06:50,680 --> 00:06:52,640 No, I just encouraged the teacher. 141 00:06:54,240 --> 00:06:57,237 To hit you? Mind games, Agnes. 142 00:06:57,320 --> 00:06:59,357 He whipped me and I went... 143 00:06:59,440 --> 00:07:00,677 SHE GASPS 144 00:07:00,760 --> 00:07:02,240 "Thank you, sir." 145 00:07:04,480 --> 00:07:06,920 "I'm such a bad girl, aren't I, sir?" 146 00:07:08,920 --> 00:07:11,597 You mad bitch! 147 00:07:11,680 --> 00:07:13,320 Never caned me after that. 148 00:07:14,600 --> 00:07:16,477 Evening, ladies. Hello, Father. 149 00:07:16,560 --> 00:07:18,437 There seems to be a couple of empty slots 150 00:07:18,520 --> 00:07:20,277 on the entrance form for the Finglas Talent Show. 151 00:07:20,360 --> 00:07:22,157 What are you raising money for this year, Father? 152 00:07:22,240 --> 00:07:24,477 I'm changing the Holy Sacrament wafers to low fat, vegan 153 00:07:24,560 --> 00:07:26,517 and gluten free. 154 00:07:26,600 --> 00:07:29,720 We'll soon be getting "I Can't Believe It's Not Jesus". 155 00:07:33,760 --> 00:07:36,477 Father, I will not be in the talent show this year. 156 00:07:36,560 --> 00:07:38,957 What?! But it'll be crap without you, Mrs Brown. 157 00:07:39,040 --> 00:07:42,517 I know. Ah, don't worry, Father, I'll be there. 158 00:07:42,600 --> 00:07:45,597 Give me the form, love. I'm begging you, Mrs Brown. 159 00:07:45,680 --> 00:07:48,597 No, Father, I have too much on me mind at the moment and... 160 00:07:48,680 --> 00:07:50,517 ...Grandad's not himself. 161 00:07:50,600 --> 00:07:52,477 I was actually hoping you'd be a judge this year. 162 00:07:52,560 --> 00:07:54,757 She's made her decision, Father, so... 163 00:07:54,840 --> 00:07:56,237 ...deal with it. 164 00:07:56,320 --> 00:07:58,397 Well, just hold on, Winnie, let the Father speak. 165 00:07:58,480 --> 00:08:00,037 You wanted me on the panel? 166 00:08:00,120 --> 00:08:02,997 To replace me. Myself and Trevor have been working on an act. 167 00:08:03,080 --> 00:08:05,397 Now, now, Damien, we don't want to give it away. 168 00:08:05,480 --> 00:08:08,160 They'll never guess it! Simon & Garfunkel. 169 00:08:10,400 --> 00:08:13,037 I hate them. Me too, yeah. 170 00:08:13,120 --> 00:08:14,957 Are you going to Scarborough Fair? 171 00:08:15,040 --> 00:08:17,640 No, I'm not, now fuck off and take the guitar with you. 172 00:08:18,760 --> 00:08:20,597 I told you we should've done Oasis. 173 00:08:20,680 --> 00:08:22,597 Relax, Damien, we'll think of something else. 174 00:08:22,680 --> 00:08:24,677 Will you be a judge, Mammy? Who's the head judge? 175 00:08:24,760 --> 00:08:27,600 Mrs Nicholson. That's nice. 176 00:08:29,440 --> 00:08:31,280 I'll pass. 177 00:08:32,560 --> 00:08:34,557 Are you not entering the show, Birdie? 178 00:08:34,640 --> 00:08:36,757 No, I don't really have any talents. 179 00:08:36,840 --> 00:08:38,237 I've heard you sing. 180 00:08:38,320 --> 00:08:40,477 You sing like a bird, you do. Oh... 181 00:08:40,560 --> 00:08:41,960 Fuckin' goose. 182 00:08:43,600 --> 00:08:46,157 Yeah, but I'd be too shy, like, to sing in public, Agnes. 183 00:08:46,240 --> 00:08:48,717 Ah, there must be something you can do, Birdie? 184 00:08:48,800 --> 00:08:51,037 Ah feck it, I'm going to put me name down. 185 00:08:51,120 --> 00:08:53,077 Sure, what's the worst that can happen? 186 00:08:53,160 --> 00:08:55,197 That's the spirit, Birdie! Go, girl. 187 00:08:55,280 --> 00:08:57,437 I'll just need to find a place to hang me pole. 188 00:08:57,520 --> 00:09:00,997 AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND APPLAUDS 189 00:09:01,080 --> 00:09:02,960 BOTH CHOKE 190 00:09:04,280 --> 00:09:06,000 Breathe, Mrs McGoogan! 191 00:09:07,920 --> 00:09:10,677 Thanks, Maria. Oh! I'm all right now, love. 192 00:09:10,760 --> 00:09:11,917 Urgh! 193 00:09:12,000 --> 00:09:14,520 Are you all right, Mammy? Urgh! 194 00:09:16,000 --> 00:09:17,757 I went down the wrong pole. 195 00:09:17,840 --> 00:09:19,237 Hole! Hole! 196 00:09:19,320 --> 00:09:22,357 It went down the pole and then... Oh, urgh! 197 00:09:22,440 --> 00:09:24,877 Have you girls entered the competition? 198 00:09:24,960 --> 00:09:28,157 Oh, not yet. Father Damien wants one of us to be host. 199 00:09:28,240 --> 00:09:30,477 Oh, Maria, you'd be great at that. 200 00:09:30,560 --> 00:09:33,517 Thanks, Mrs Brown. Er, hello?! 201 00:09:33,600 --> 00:09:35,517 Hiya, Cathy. 202 00:09:35,600 --> 00:09:38,320 No, Maria, you really would be great at that. 203 00:09:40,000 --> 00:09:46,074 Support us and become VIP member to remove all ads from www.OpenSubtitles.org 204 00:10:03,960 --> 00:10:05,317 Hey, Ma! 205 00:10:05,400 --> 00:10:07,957 AUDIENCE CHEERS 206 00:10:08,040 --> 00:10:10,317 Hello, Mrs Brown. Hello, boys! 207 00:10:10,400 --> 00:10:13,157 Oh, let me guess, yous are promoting 208 00:10:13,240 --> 00:10:15,517 Murphy's Circus, coming to town next week. 209 00:10:15,600 --> 00:10:18,557 Ha, we sure are! How did you guess? 210 00:10:18,640 --> 00:10:20,597 Call it women's intuition. 211 00:10:20,680 --> 00:10:22,517 Well, what's your pitch? 212 00:10:22,600 --> 00:10:24,437 HE CLEARS THROAT DRAMATICALLY 213 00:10:24,520 --> 00:10:26,717 HE CLEARS THROAT WEAKLY 214 00:10:26,800 --> 00:10:29,997 Roll up, roll up, come and see the circus! 215 00:10:30,080 --> 00:10:32,557 See the fat man bouncing on the skinny man's... 216 00:10:32,640 --> 00:10:34,397 Willy, shut the tent, there's a draught coming 217 00:10:34,480 --> 00:10:36,717 from the elephant's... Ho-o-old your tickets 218 00:10:36,800 --> 00:10:38,320 for the next show! 219 00:10:40,600 --> 00:10:41,997 Very good. 220 00:10:42,080 --> 00:10:43,437 DOORBELL RINGS 221 00:10:43,520 --> 00:10:45,437 I'll get it, Ma. Thanks, Dermot. 222 00:10:45,520 --> 00:10:48,477 Well, Buster, I believe you're doing stand-up comedy 223 00:10:48,560 --> 00:10:52,397 at the talent show. Ha-ha, yeah! 224 00:10:52,480 --> 00:10:55,397 Ah, oh, I'm so sorry, wrong house. 225 00:10:55,480 --> 00:10:57,717 No, it's the right house, Father. 226 00:10:57,800 --> 00:11:00,280 My God, it's you, Birdie. 227 00:11:03,120 --> 00:11:05,600 So, Buster, give me a sample of your stand-up. 228 00:11:10,280 --> 00:11:14,157 I don't just mean stand up, I mean tell me a joke! 229 00:11:14,240 --> 00:11:16,037 A man walks into a bar, 230 00:11:16,120 --> 00:11:18,080 he says, "Ouch!" 231 00:11:20,960 --> 00:11:22,880 It's an iron bar. 232 00:11:24,360 --> 00:11:26,237 Buster, don't do that one. 233 00:11:26,320 --> 00:11:29,040 Hello, Mrs Brown. Ah, hello, Father Damien. 234 00:11:30,760 --> 00:11:33,720 Birdie?! The breasts threw me. 235 00:11:36,120 --> 00:11:39,517 I get that, Dermot, I can see your titties. 236 00:11:39,600 --> 00:11:42,000 Come on, Buster, let's get back to work. 237 00:11:43,080 --> 00:11:45,277 Dermo... A man walks into a bar... 238 00:11:45,360 --> 00:11:46,637 Heard it! 239 00:11:46,720 --> 00:11:48,637 Would you like a cup of tea, Father? No, thanks. 240 00:11:48,720 --> 00:11:50,357 I'm just here to make a final plea 241 00:11:50,440 --> 00:11:52,237 for you to judge the talent show. 242 00:11:52,320 --> 00:11:54,877 Thank you very much, but, no, I-I have too much on me mind. 243 00:11:54,960 --> 00:11:57,440 OK. Is it anything I can help with? 244 00:11:59,840 --> 00:12:01,397 Very nice. 245 00:12:01,480 --> 00:12:03,917 When are you going? 246 00:12:04,000 --> 00:12:06,837 I'm not feckin' going! Grandad wants to go. 247 00:12:06,920 --> 00:12:08,957 Oh... But I don't know why. 248 00:12:09,040 --> 00:12:12,797 Would you like me to talk to him? He listens to me. 249 00:12:12,880 --> 00:12:14,917 Really? Yes! 250 00:12:15,000 --> 00:12:16,480 I'll be glad to. 251 00:12:18,720 --> 00:12:21,517 Five, four, three... Hello, Grandad? 252 00:12:21,600 --> 00:12:23,117 ...two, one. I-I just want a word. 253 00:12:23,200 --> 00:12:24,757 Feck off! 254 00:12:24,840 --> 00:12:28,920 Right, Mrs Brown. That's me away. Bye! See you, Father. 255 00:12:33,200 --> 00:12:34,757 All right... 256 00:12:34,840 --> 00:12:36,357 ...what's all this about? 257 00:12:36,440 --> 00:12:39,677 What's all what about? This - care homes. 258 00:12:39,760 --> 00:12:41,237 I'm leaving. 259 00:12:41,320 --> 00:12:43,517 Are you, now? Yes. 260 00:12:43,600 --> 00:12:46,277 OK. Don't try and stop me. 261 00:12:46,360 --> 00:12:49,717 Stop you? I'll pack your buckin' bag for you. 262 00:12:49,800 --> 00:12:51,957 I can pack meself. 263 00:12:52,040 --> 00:12:53,757 "I can pack meself." 264 00:12:53,840 --> 00:12:55,717 I'm dying to see that. 265 00:12:55,800 --> 00:12:57,877 You lazy bastard. 266 00:12:57,960 --> 00:13:01,317 Talk to the hand because the leg ain't listening. 267 00:13:01,400 --> 00:13:04,400 The face! The face ain't listening. 268 00:13:05,640 --> 00:13:07,677 Sorry. I'm a bit deaf. 269 00:13:07,760 --> 00:13:10,317 Yeah, when it buckin' suits you. 270 00:13:10,400 --> 00:13:12,317 What's all this about, Agnes? 271 00:13:12,400 --> 00:13:13,917 That was intense. 272 00:13:14,000 --> 00:13:16,037 Grandad going on about care homes. 273 00:13:16,120 --> 00:13:17,597 No! 274 00:13:17,680 --> 00:13:19,960 You're too young for a care home, Agnes. 275 00:13:25,480 --> 00:13:28,157 I was caught completely off-guard. 276 00:13:28,240 --> 00:13:29,957 I wouldn't have known anything about it, 277 00:13:30,040 --> 00:13:31,797 only Dr Flynn blurted it out. 278 00:13:31,880 --> 00:13:34,277 Strange behaviour. It was. 279 00:13:34,360 --> 00:13:36,360 Is he even a doctor? 280 00:13:38,080 --> 00:13:41,320 I'm talking about Grandad. Grandad's not a doctor. 281 00:13:43,640 --> 00:13:44,960 Winnie, shut up. 282 00:13:46,120 --> 00:13:48,357 Maybe Grandad didn't mean it, Ma. 283 00:13:48,440 --> 00:13:51,477 Oh, he meant it all right, son. He packed three pairs of underpants. 284 00:13:51,560 --> 00:13:54,640 That's not confusion, son, that's commitment. 285 00:13:56,120 --> 00:13:58,277 Maybe he was just looking for attention. 286 00:13:58,360 --> 00:14:00,997 Maybe he was just looking for a kick in the arse. 287 00:14:01,080 --> 00:14:03,717 Well, that won't make him feel any better. 288 00:14:03,800 --> 00:14:05,480 It would make me feel better. 289 00:14:06,840 --> 00:14:09,157 It's not like Grandad to get emotional. 290 00:14:09,240 --> 00:14:11,397 Well Cathy, he did, I promise you. 291 00:14:11,480 --> 00:14:14,080 Even Winnie felt it, and she's dead inside. 292 00:14:18,320 --> 00:14:20,437 Dead. 293 00:14:20,520 --> 00:14:22,757 It doesn't make any sense, though. 294 00:14:22,840 --> 00:14:24,717 Why would Grandad want to go to a care home? 295 00:14:24,800 --> 00:14:27,557 They have pickleball. Cool! 296 00:14:27,640 --> 00:14:29,197 Focus, Damien. 297 00:14:29,280 --> 00:14:31,437 So, when is he talking about leaving? 298 00:14:31,520 --> 00:14:33,077 He didn't say. 299 00:14:33,160 --> 00:14:35,237 He told me he was going Friday evening. 300 00:14:35,320 --> 00:14:37,277 He told you?! 301 00:14:37,360 --> 00:14:39,080 He doesn't even buckin' like you. 302 00:14:40,920 --> 00:14:42,677 Did he mention why? 303 00:14:42,760 --> 00:14:44,640 Because you're a bossy bit... Sh! 304 00:14:46,200 --> 00:14:48,117 No, he didn't really. 305 00:14:48,200 --> 00:14:50,157 Mammy, just let him go. 306 00:14:50,240 --> 00:14:52,037 Do I look like I'm stopping him? 307 00:14:52,120 --> 00:14:53,437 Mammy! 308 00:14:53,520 --> 00:14:55,037 It's sad. 309 00:14:55,120 --> 00:14:56,797 It is sad. 310 00:14:56,880 --> 00:14:58,477 AUDIENCE: Aww! 311 00:14:58,560 --> 00:15:00,957 So sad. AUDIENCE: Aww! 312 00:15:01,040 --> 00:15:02,837 So very sad. 313 00:15:02,920 --> 00:15:04,597 AUDIENCE: Aww! 314 00:15:04,680 --> 00:15:07,397 So... so very, very sad. 315 00:15:07,480 --> 00:15:09,680 AUDIENCE: Aww! 316 00:15:10,840 --> 00:15:12,597 Right, who's up for a pint? 317 00:15:12,680 --> 00:15:15,037 Yeah. Yep! 318 00:15:15,120 --> 00:15:18,120 So that's the meeting done, then, is it? 319 00:15:20,080 --> 00:15:22,037 SHE SIGHS 320 00:15:22,120 --> 00:15:23,920 DOOR CLOSES 321 00:15:39,200 --> 00:15:41,597 Right, I-I'm off to the talent show. 322 00:15:41,680 --> 00:15:43,757 Will you be here when I get back? 323 00:15:43,840 --> 00:15:44,960 Probably not. 324 00:15:46,080 --> 00:15:47,997 AUDIENCE: Aww! 325 00:15:48,080 --> 00:15:50,600 Well, I'll... I'll say goodbye now, then. 326 00:15:52,520 --> 00:15:54,157 Goodbye. 327 00:15:54,240 --> 00:15:55,800 AUDIENCE: Aww! 328 00:15:57,480 --> 00:15:58,840 Thanks for... 329 00:16:00,080 --> 00:16:02,237 AUDIENCE: Aww! ...you know... 330 00:16:02,320 --> 00:16:04,397 ...everything. 331 00:16:04,480 --> 00:16:06,317 AUDIENCE: Aww! 332 00:16:06,400 --> 00:16:07,520 You're welcome. 333 00:16:08,880 --> 00:16:09,997 Good luck. 334 00:16:10,080 --> 00:16:11,800 AUDIENCE: Aww! 335 00:16:21,640 --> 00:16:23,517 Bye. 336 00:16:23,600 --> 00:16:25,837 AUDIENCE: Aww! 337 00:16:25,920 --> 00:16:28,400 SAD MUSIC PLAYS 338 00:16:31,040 --> 00:16:33,637 When is this going to end? 339 00:16:33,720 --> 00:16:36,317 Relax, Ma. It won't be long. 340 00:16:36,400 --> 00:16:37,997 What's Winnie's surprise? 341 00:16:38,080 --> 00:16:39,997 I don't know, she wouldn't tell me. 342 00:16:40,080 --> 00:16:42,080 Two men walk into a bar... 343 00:16:43,360 --> 00:16:45,557 You're funny, man. 344 00:16:45,640 --> 00:16:48,317 Ha-ha, Marco! Elvis. 345 00:16:48,400 --> 00:16:50,360 Uh-huh! 346 00:16:54,280 --> 00:16:55,677 AUDIENCE LAUGHS 347 00:16:55,760 --> 00:16:57,717 Who are you doing, Mark? 348 00:16:57,800 --> 00:16:59,757 Elvis! I'm doing Elvis, baby. 349 00:16:59,840 --> 00:17:01,357 WINNIE LAUGHS 350 00:17:01,440 --> 00:17:03,517 That's very good! 351 00:17:03,600 --> 00:17:05,517 Are you doing Elvis as well? 352 00:17:05,600 --> 00:17:07,480 No! What made you think that? 353 00:17:09,600 --> 00:17:11,717 Everybody ready? 354 00:17:11,800 --> 00:17:14,037 Maria, I don't think I can do this. 355 00:17:14,120 --> 00:17:16,157 Of course you can. Don't be frightened. 356 00:17:16,240 --> 00:17:19,120 Everybody out there wants everyone to succeed. Aargh! 357 00:17:23,680 --> 00:17:25,237 AUDIENCE CHEERS 358 00:17:25,320 --> 00:17:26,997 You look great, John! 359 00:17:27,080 --> 00:17:29,397 You look great too, Edward. But not as good as me, though. 360 00:17:29,480 --> 00:17:31,077 Yes, I do. No, you don't! 361 00:17:31,160 --> 00:17:33,437 Yes, I do-oo! You drive me mad, you do. 362 00:17:33,520 --> 00:17:35,077 I do, what about you? 363 00:17:35,160 --> 00:17:36,717 You're not even as handsome as me. 364 00:17:36,800 --> 00:17:38,637 Yes, I am. No, you're not! 365 00:17:38,720 --> 00:17:40,317 Yeah, that works great. 366 00:17:40,400 --> 00:17:42,320 Oh, we were rehearsing? 367 00:17:43,600 --> 00:17:45,480 I thought you were serious. 368 00:17:59,680 --> 00:18:01,400 AUDIENCE: Aww! 369 00:18:05,920 --> 00:18:09,000 SPOONS RATTLE 370 00:18:14,840 --> 00:18:16,560 Mother of God! 371 00:18:18,320 --> 00:18:20,197 AUDIENCE LAUGHS 372 00:18:20,280 --> 00:18:22,160 AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS 373 00:18:26,560 --> 00:18:28,440 I'll get the drinks in. 374 00:18:29,920 --> 00:18:32,117 Make mine a double, Dermot! 375 00:18:32,200 --> 00:18:36,077 I don't know if I can put up with much more of buckin' Evel Knievel. 376 00:18:36,160 --> 00:18:39,157 SHE SOUNDS BUZZER 377 00:18:39,240 --> 00:18:41,717 AUDIENCE: Aww! 378 00:18:41,800 --> 00:18:44,597 OK, well, we'll go to the judges. 379 00:18:44,680 --> 00:18:46,477 What do you say, Mother? 380 00:18:46,560 --> 00:18:48,997 Er... 381 00:18:49,080 --> 00:18:52,317 You need three things to be a star, 382 00:18:52,400 --> 00:18:54,077 and you don't have any of them. 383 00:18:54,160 --> 00:18:56,877 AUDIENCE: Aww! 384 00:18:56,960 --> 00:18:58,757 Dr Flynn? 385 00:18:58,840 --> 00:19:02,157 Well, I've always said there's nothing like a good spoon player. 386 00:19:02,240 --> 00:19:03,917 And that's you. 387 00:19:04,000 --> 00:19:05,800 Nothing like a good spoon player. 388 00:19:07,600 --> 00:19:10,237 Er, Sharon, what did you think? 389 00:19:10,320 --> 00:19:12,717 Well, I wasn't expecting much from my mother. 390 00:19:12,800 --> 00:19:14,757 And yet somehow, 391 00:19:14,840 --> 00:19:17,117 I feel short-changed. 392 00:19:17,200 --> 00:19:19,317 Well, I can sing something else. 393 00:19:19,400 --> 00:19:20,717 ALL: No! 394 00:19:20,800 --> 00:19:22,677 ♪ Oh, my old man's a dustman 395 00:19:22,760 --> 00:19:24,077 ♪ He wears a dustman's hat 396 00:19:24,160 --> 00:19:25,997 ♪ He wears cor-blimey trousers... ♪ 397 00:19:26,080 --> 00:19:28,557 Somebody take that feckin' cutlery off her! 398 00:19:28,640 --> 00:19:30,917 SHE SOUNDS BUZZER 399 00:19:31,000 --> 00:19:34,437 Mrs McGoogan, you will not be joining Mark in the final. 400 00:19:34,520 --> 00:19:35,997 AUDIENCE: Aww! 401 00:19:36,080 --> 00:19:38,477 (AS ELVIS) Thank you very much, man. Yeah! 402 00:19:38,560 --> 00:19:39,997 AUDIENCE: Aww! 403 00:19:40,080 --> 00:19:43,477 They went all-out this year - big stage, fancy lights. 404 00:19:43,560 --> 00:19:45,677 Yeah, but not much room for punters. 405 00:19:45,760 --> 00:19:48,917 I mean, there's more people on the panel than there is in the audience. 406 00:19:49,000 --> 00:19:50,917 Hello, Agnes. Hi, Cathy. 407 00:19:51,000 --> 00:19:52,757 You look great, Mrs Nicholson. 408 00:19:52,840 --> 00:19:55,357 I know. 409 00:19:55,440 --> 00:19:59,477 I was worried my posterior might look large in this outfit. 410 00:19:59,560 --> 00:20:01,077 Oh, don't be ridiculous. 411 00:20:01,160 --> 00:20:03,037 Yeah, cop on, Hidly. 412 00:20:03,120 --> 00:20:04,597 Oh, thank you. Ha! 413 00:20:04,680 --> 00:20:07,440 Her arse looks big in everything. Stop! 414 00:20:09,840 --> 00:20:11,797 Dermot, where's me drink? 415 00:20:11,880 --> 00:20:15,280 I asked for a nice Slow Screw Up Against The Wall. 416 00:20:19,960 --> 00:20:22,597 The bar's closed until after the show, Ma. 417 00:20:22,680 --> 00:20:24,957 Do you mean we have to sit through this sober?! 418 00:20:25,040 --> 00:20:29,317 Relax, Ma, it won't be that bad. 419 00:20:29,400 --> 00:20:33,117 OK, up next we have Buster Brady doing some stand-up comedy. 420 00:20:33,200 --> 00:20:36,320 Oh, God, shoot me now. 421 00:20:37,720 --> 00:20:39,637 Grandad's all set, Dermot. 422 00:20:39,720 --> 00:20:42,397 His bags are packed, ready to go to the home. 423 00:20:42,480 --> 00:20:44,357 I'm really going to miss him around the place, you know. 424 00:20:44,440 --> 00:20:46,877 Yeah, I will, too. Not me. 425 00:20:46,960 --> 00:20:49,077 Good riddance to bad rubbish, I say. 426 00:20:49,160 --> 00:20:51,197 AUDIENCE: Aww! 427 00:20:51,280 --> 00:20:53,397 APPLAUSE 428 00:20:53,480 --> 00:20:55,400 Keep it clean, Buster. 429 00:21:00,600 --> 00:21:02,197 Hello. 430 00:21:02,280 --> 00:21:07,120 I was an ugly baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped me mother. 431 00:21:10,400 --> 00:21:12,800 I know you're out there, I can hear you breathing. 432 00:21:23,280 --> 00:21:25,200 AUDIENCE: Aww! 433 00:21:34,400 --> 00:21:36,877 AUDIENCE: Aww! 434 00:21:36,960 --> 00:21:40,517 But when I was a kid, I knew I was loved. When I had a bath, 435 00:21:40,600 --> 00:21:43,357 my mother would throw me in a rubber duck, a battleship... 436 00:21:43,440 --> 00:21:44,920 A toaster. 437 00:21:47,520 --> 00:21:48,920 Yeah, ha... 438 00:21:50,960 --> 00:21:52,637 Three lesbians walked into a bar... 439 00:21:52,720 --> 00:21:55,397 BUZZER 440 00:21:55,480 --> 00:21:57,677 I can dance. ALL: No! 441 00:21:57,760 --> 00:21:58,880 Goodbye, Buster! 442 00:22:00,200 --> 00:22:01,957 AUDIENCE: Aww! 443 00:22:02,040 --> 00:22:07,037 Be honest, Mammy, you don't really want Grandad to leave. 444 00:22:07,120 --> 00:22:09,917 I booked his taxi for him. AUDIENCE: Aww! 445 00:22:10,000 --> 00:22:13,997 From the day that man set foot in our house the very first time, 446 00:22:14,080 --> 00:22:16,637 he's made no contribution to this household. 447 00:22:16,720 --> 00:22:19,197 All he does is take, take, take. 448 00:22:19,280 --> 00:22:21,957 I don't know, Ma. Remember when he caught Cathy's boyfriend 449 00:22:22,040 --> 00:22:23,997 sneaking in her bedroom window? 450 00:22:24,080 --> 00:22:25,440 No...?! 451 00:22:26,840 --> 00:22:30,117 If it wasn't for Grandad, Cathy could be married to Tommy Rizla now. 452 00:22:30,200 --> 00:22:31,557 Shut up, Dermot! 453 00:22:31,640 --> 00:22:34,640 Tommy buckin' Rizla? Well, at least she'd be married. 454 00:22:37,160 --> 00:22:39,397 You let that scumbag into our house? 455 00:22:39,480 --> 00:22:41,597 Yeah, well, Grandad bailed Dermot out of the police station 456 00:22:41,680 --> 00:22:43,037 for stealing cars. 457 00:22:43,120 --> 00:22:45,277 No! What kind? 458 00:22:45,360 --> 00:22:46,600 Police cars. 459 00:22:48,760 --> 00:22:51,597 OK! If you'll all put your hands together, please, 460 00:22:51,680 --> 00:22:54,877 for our final act of the evening, Birdie Flanagan. 461 00:22:54,960 --> 00:22:57,720 APPLAUSE 462 00:22:59,480 --> 00:23:01,357 What about when Daddy died? 463 00:23:01,440 --> 00:23:04,797 Grandad brought us all to the carnival in Bray to cheer us up. 464 00:23:04,880 --> 00:23:07,157 Now, that was a great day. The best. 465 00:23:07,240 --> 00:23:09,477 I don't remember that. 466 00:23:09,560 --> 00:23:12,677 That's cos you were in bed, Ma, crying. 467 00:23:12,760 --> 00:23:15,517 Um. excuse me, Dermot, I'd just buried my husband. 468 00:23:15,600 --> 00:23:17,757 And Grandad had just buried his son, Mammy. 469 00:23:17,840 --> 00:23:18,917 AUDIENCE: Aww! 470 00:23:19,000 --> 00:23:23,157 You might not have always seen it, but Grandad was really good to us. 471 00:23:23,240 --> 00:23:25,200 This is all news to me. 472 00:23:28,760 --> 00:23:30,517 Tommy buckin' Rizla? 473 00:23:30,600 --> 00:23:34,197 Oh, let it go, Mammy! Dermot, I will kill you! 474 00:23:34,280 --> 00:23:37,797 SLOW MUSIC 475 00:23:37,880 --> 00:23:40,237 ♪ And I 476 00:23:40,320 --> 00:23:43,917 ♪ Never thought I'd feel this way 477 00:23:44,000 --> 00:23:47,517 ♪ And as far as I'm concerned 478 00:23:47,600 --> 00:23:52,037 ♪ I'm glad I got the chance to say 479 00:23:52,120 --> 00:23:56,237 ♪ That I do believe I love you 480 00:23:56,320 --> 00:24:01,917 ♪ And if I should ever go away 481 00:24:02,000 --> 00:24:05,677 ♪ Well, then, close your eyes and try 482 00:24:05,760 --> 00:24:10,157 ♪ To feel the way we do today 483 00:24:10,240 --> 00:24:13,957 ♪ And then if you can remember... ♪ 484 00:24:14,040 --> 00:24:16,637 Where are you going? Something I have to do. 485 00:24:16,720 --> 00:24:20,837 ♪ Keep smiling, keep shining 486 00:24:20,920 --> 00:24:26,157 ♪ Knowing you can always count on me 487 00:24:26,240 --> 00:24:28,797 ♪ For sure 488 00:24:28,880 --> 00:24:33,317 ♪ That's what friends are for 489 00:24:33,400 --> 00:24:36,877 ♪ In good times, in bad times 490 00:24:36,960 --> 00:24:42,440 ♪ I'll be on your side forever more 491 00:24:44,960 --> 00:24:48,880 ♪ That's what friends are for... ♪ 492 00:24:59,200 --> 00:25:01,240 Right, let's go. 493 00:25:03,880 --> 00:25:06,397 What are you doing? If you're going, I'm going. 494 00:25:06,480 --> 00:25:08,917 AUDIENCE: Aww! 495 00:25:09,000 --> 00:25:11,197 Bloody taxi hasn't arrived yet. 496 00:25:11,280 --> 00:25:13,157 That's because I cancelled it. 497 00:25:13,240 --> 00:25:15,880 AUDIENCE: Yay! 498 00:25:17,160 --> 00:25:19,957 I don't want you to go. What are you saying? 499 00:25:20,040 --> 00:25:22,197 I'm saying stay! 500 00:25:22,280 --> 00:25:23,917 Please. 501 00:25:24,000 --> 00:25:28,157 I'll be no-one's burden. It's too buckin' late for that now. 502 00:25:28,240 --> 00:25:30,757 I'm kidding. 503 00:25:30,840 --> 00:25:34,477 Look, Grandad, I'll make a deal with you. 504 00:25:34,560 --> 00:25:37,080 If at any point I can't care for you... 505 00:25:38,360 --> 00:25:40,557 ...we'll go look at that home together. 506 00:25:40,640 --> 00:25:42,760 AUDIENCE: Aww! 507 00:25:46,000 --> 00:25:48,157 I'd love a pint. Well, come on, then. 508 00:25:48,240 --> 00:25:50,280 CHEERING 509 00:25:59,240 --> 00:26:01,120 Elvis is at the bar. 510 00:26:02,800 --> 00:26:06,157 ♪ Keep smiling, keep shining 511 00:26:06,240 --> 00:26:11,477 ♪ Knowing you can always count on me 512 00:26:11,560 --> 00:26:14,237 ♪ For sure 513 00:26:14,320 --> 00:26:18,717 ♪ That's what friends are for 514 00:26:18,800 --> 00:26:22,077 ♪ In good times, in bad times 515 00:26:22,160 --> 00:26:27,797 ♪ I'll be on your side forever mo-o-ore... ♪ 516 00:26:27,880 --> 00:26:30,197 Yeah, baby! 517 00:26:30,280 --> 00:26:36,517 BOTH: ♪ That's what friends are for. ♪ 518 00:26:36,600 --> 00:26:39,640 CHEERING 519 00:26:55,720 --> 00:26:57,317 Ah... 520 00:26:57,400 --> 00:27:00,557 Well, that's Father Damien's search 521 00:27:00,640 --> 00:27:04,920 for a star in Finglas over for another year. Thank God. 522 00:27:06,600 --> 00:27:09,597 It was a good night, though. Yeah. 523 00:27:09,680 --> 00:27:12,597 It's amazing how people can be entertaining. 524 00:27:12,680 --> 00:27:14,837 You know, I mean real people. 525 00:27:14,920 --> 00:27:18,637 The likes of Birdie getting up and whacking out that song. 526 00:27:18,720 --> 00:27:20,877 Or Mark, carpenter by day, 527 00:27:20,960 --> 00:27:23,240 king of rock and roll by night. 528 00:27:24,640 --> 00:27:27,117 I'd be lost without them. 529 00:27:27,200 --> 00:27:28,400 And Grandad. 530 00:27:30,040 --> 00:27:34,120 Is Grandad an arsehole? Abso-buckin'-lutely. 531 00:27:36,040 --> 00:27:40,597 But he's family, and in this house, we protect family. 532 00:27:40,680 --> 00:27:45,357 Mm, oh, oh, I know I give him a hard time sometimes but... 533 00:27:45,440 --> 00:27:47,317 ...that's only cos I love him. 534 00:27:47,400 --> 00:27:48,997 AUDIENCE: Aww! 535 00:27:49,080 --> 00:27:52,757 I-I wouldn't tell him that to his face. 536 00:27:52,840 --> 00:27:54,357 Too late! 537 00:27:54,440 --> 00:27:56,840 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 538 00:28:01,160 --> 00:28:03,477 Ya bastard! 539 00:28:03,560 --> 00:28:04,960 Bitch! 540 00:28:07,640 --> 00:28:09,637 Back to normal! 541 00:28:09,720 --> 00:28:11,200 Goodnight. 542 00:28:12,280 --> 00:28:18,357 ♪ Say hello to the queen of Dublin town 543 00:28:18,440 --> 00:28:24,477 ♪ As the best mum of all she wears the crown 544 00:28:24,560 --> 00:28:27,557 ♪ Mother hen watching all her chicks 545 00:28:27,640 --> 00:28:30,797 ♪ Sassy old lady full of tricks 546 00:28:30,880 --> 00:28:36,477 ♪ It's a safe bet she'd never let life get her down 547 00:28:36,560 --> 00:28:38,957 ♪ She's Mrs Brown... ♪ 548 00:28:39,040 --> 00:28:41,637 Goodnight! ♪ That's Mrs Brown 549 00:28:41,720 --> 00:28:42,917 ♪ Agnes 550 00:28:43,000 --> 00:28:45,797 ♪ Our Mrs Brown. ♪ 551 00:28:45,880 --> 00:28:48,000 MRS BROWN CACKLES 551 00:28:49,305 --> 00:29:49,728