"QI" Landmarks

1 00:00:06,000 --> 00:00:12,074 Watch Online Movies and Series for FREE www.osdb.link/lm 2 00:00:32,020 --> 00:00:34,660 Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening 3 00:00:34,660 --> 00:00:39,140 and welcome to QI, the show that knows that it knows nothing. 4 00:00:39,140 --> 00:00:42,220 Tonight is a litter of landmarks, learning and larceny. 5 00:00:42,220 --> 00:00:46,020 And joining me are the larksome David Mitchell. 6 00:00:49,420 --> 00:00:52,140 The laudable Colin Lane. 7 00:00:55,980 --> 00:00:58,700 The ladylike Jo Brand. 8 00:01:02,160 --> 00:01:05,920 And the live-in Alan Davies. 9 00:01:09,320 --> 00:01:13,200 So let's hear their buzzers. David goes... 10 00:01:17,080 --> 00:01:19,160 Oh. And Colin goes.... 11 00:01:23,160 --> 00:01:25,840 Oh, very larky. And Jo goes... 12 00:01:30,040 --> 00:01:31,440 And Alan goes... 13 00:02:00,280 --> 00:02:02,920 That's it, good. 14 00:02:02,920 --> 00:02:07,040 Well, if you've enjoyed QI, do tune in again next week. 15 00:02:07,040 --> 00:02:11,480 But don't forget that you have Spend A Penny cards. 16 00:02:11,480 --> 00:02:13,040 There is almost certainly... 17 00:02:17,280 --> 00:02:19,920 ...going to be a question that is lavatorial. 18 00:02:19,920 --> 00:02:22,868 And if you Spend A Penny when I ask the question, 19 00:02:22,892 --> 00:02:23,840 you get extra points. 20 00:02:23,840 --> 00:02:28,720 What about if we actually want to go during the recording? 21 00:02:28,720 --> 00:02:32,120 Well, you should find a little bottle and funnel underneath. 22 00:02:32,120 --> 00:02:34,200 Anyway. Now, last question first. 23 00:02:34,200 --> 00:02:36,320 Actually, why don't you do some of the work for a change? 24 00:02:36,320 --> 00:02:37,500 You can talk about one of two things. 25 00:02:37,500 --> 00:02:41,280 One is, what about the death of the last American Civil War pensioner, 26 00:02:41,280 --> 00:02:44,280 or the last thing you'd like to see on the London Underground? 27 00:02:44,280 --> 00:02:45,760 Choose. 28 00:02:47,800 --> 00:02:48,548 Jo? 29 00:02:48,572 --> 00:02:50,880 The last thing I'd like to see on the Underground 30 00:02:50,880 --> 00:02:53,320 is a dying American Civil War. 31 00:02:54,320 --> 00:02:56,920 Well, that would, that would put it all into one, wouldn't it? 32 00:02:56,920 --> 00:02:59,000 - Yes. Just trying to make it easy. - You're right. 33 00:02:59,000 --> 00:03:00,788 A dying American Civil War, 34 00:03:00,812 --> 00:03:03,040 or a dying American Civil War pensioner? 35 00:03:03,040 --> 00:03:06,880 No, a dying American Civil War... Pensioner. 36 00:03:06,880 --> 00:03:08,360 Yeah, all right, fair enough. 37 00:03:08,360 --> 00:03:10,880 If you can give me a date as to when you will be able to see 38 00:03:10,880 --> 00:03:13,188 the last pensioner from the American Civil War. 39 00:03:13,212 --> 00:03:14,080 It was in the 1860s. 40 00:03:14,080 --> 00:03:16,500 Well, it finished in 1865, didn't it, 41 00:03:16,500 --> 00:03:17,500 - the American Civil War? - Correct. 42 00:03:17,500 --> 00:03:19,508 You get a point for knowing the date date of the end of the Civil War. 43 00:03:19,532 --> 00:03:20,018 - Oh, do I? - Yeah. 44 00:03:20,042 --> 00:03:22,800 More than 100. 45 00:03:22,800 --> 00:03:25,240 And a lady as well! Ooh. 46 00:03:25,240 --> 00:03:31,560 More than 100 years after that is unlikely, so I'm going 1962. 47 00:03:31,560 --> 00:03:33,120 Well, that's not correct. 48 00:03:33,120 --> 00:03:35,348 That's very... Because that was... 49 00:03:35,372 --> 00:03:39,680 He'd have to have been a toddler during the American Civil War, and... 50 00:03:39,680 --> 00:03:42,308 He might be 115, I'm thinking. 51 00:03:42,332 --> 00:03:43,908 Well, we're talking about pensioners, not veterans. 52 00:03:43,932 --> 00:03:50,160 The last veteran to die, amazingly, died in 1956, aged 109. 53 00:03:50,160 --> 00:03:52,628 There he is. Woolson, his name was. 54 00:03:52,652 --> 00:03:54,600 And there's the toddler. 55 00:03:54,600 --> 00:03:57,828 And there is a great-great- great-grandchild, I'd imagine. 56 00:03:57,852 --> 00:03:59,560 A lot of them did live well into the 20th century, 57 00:03:59,560 --> 00:04:01,480 because they were teenagers during the war. 58 00:04:01,480 --> 00:04:03,800 So he was the last veteran to die. 59 00:04:03,800 --> 00:04:07,800 But pensioners could have received a pension from the United States Government. 60 00:04:07,800 --> 00:04:11,440 Because of their fathers, they would still get a pension. 61 00:04:11,440 --> 00:04:13,120 So it might still be ongoing, then. 62 00:04:13,120 --> 00:04:17,080 Well, that's the answer. Still alive. 63 00:04:17,080 --> 00:04:18,720 And here tonight! 64 00:04:18,720 --> 00:04:20,480 If only we could say that. 65 00:04:20,480 --> 00:04:22,720 Yee-ha! 66 00:04:23,720 --> 00:04:27,360 It's only $876 a year, but it's still a pension. 67 00:04:27,360 --> 00:04:32,280 And the last widow of a Civil War soldier died in 2008. 68 00:04:32,280 --> 00:04:32,748 Wow. 69 00:04:32,772 --> 00:04:35,040 - The last widow of a soldier? - Yeah. 70 00:04:35,040 --> 00:04:37,628 In 1934, Maudie Hopkins... 71 00:04:37,652 --> 00:04:40,508 - Shut the front door. -...married an 86-year-old veteran, 72 00:04:40,532 --> 00:04:43,268 called William Cantrell, who had fought as a teenager. 73 00:04:43,292 --> 00:04:45,280 How old was Maudie Hopkins? 74 00:04:45,280 --> 00:04:47,520 Well, she was pretty old when she died, but um... 75 00:04:47,520 --> 00:04:49,108 No, when she got married. 76 00:04:49,132 --> 00:04:51,280 Oh, she was young. Very young. 77 00:04:51,280 --> 00:04:51,828 - Really? - Yeah. 78 00:04:53,852 --> 00:04:54,400 She was a toddler. 79 00:04:56,560 --> 00:05:01,400 Alberta Martin, who died in 2004, she married aged 21, in 1927, 80 00:05:01,400 --> 00:05:05,440 an 81-year-old Confederate veteran, who died in 1931. 81 00:05:05,440 --> 00:05:07,520 She then married his grandson. 82 00:05:07,520 --> 00:05:10,840 That's rather peculiar, isn't it, to marry the grandson of your husband? 83 00:05:10,840 --> 00:05:13,400 How would you feel if you were the son, though? 84 00:05:13,400 --> 00:05:15,548 Yeah, you'd feel cut out, exactly. 85 00:05:15,572 --> 00:05:17,920 - She skipped a generation. - I know. 86 00:05:17,920 --> 00:05:19,948 She was 21 and she married... 87 00:05:19,972 --> 00:05:22,668 - Yes, step-grandson. - I see. 88 00:05:22,692 --> 00:05:24,468 It would be odd if she married her own grandson. 89 00:05:24,492 --> 00:05:26,800 Right. 90 00:05:26,800 --> 00:05:30,440 So pretty surprising that these things can be that close. 91 00:05:30,440 --> 00:05:34,000 I remember my father said that he remembers, as a boy, listening to Sibelius, 92 00:05:34,000 --> 00:05:38,200 the Finnish composer, talking on the radio and he spoke about how, 93 00:05:38,200 --> 00:05:41,720 when he was a boy, he had a music copyist, who was an old man, 94 00:05:41,720 --> 00:05:44,080 who'd been a copyist to Beethoven. 95 00:05:44,080 --> 00:05:47,560 My father listened to him giving a radio talk. That's pretty amazing. 96 00:05:47,560 --> 00:05:50,280 You don't have to go that far back, really, do you? Anyway. 97 00:05:50,280 --> 00:05:56,120 On a TV show once in England, I sat two spots away from Alan Davies. 98 00:05:56,120 --> 00:05:56,868 - God! - Yeah. 99 00:05:56,892 --> 00:06:00,320 That's a connection that you're going to boast about in years to come, isn't it? 100 00:06:00,320 --> 00:06:02,000 Yeah. It's pretty incredible. 101 00:06:02,000 --> 00:06:05,440 And he played with his pen for the whole programme. 102 00:06:06,440 --> 00:06:07,400 Yeah. 103 00:06:10,440 --> 00:06:13,320 - I can't get it off. - Oh, dear. Yeah. 104 00:06:13,320 --> 00:06:17,360 So, that's the Civil War answer, the last pensioner who's still alive. 105 00:06:17,360 --> 00:06:18,960 What about the London Underground? 106 00:06:18,960 --> 00:06:21,640 There was something, which is pretty grisly, that I imagine 107 00:06:21,640 --> 00:06:23,800 if you're a decent person wouldn't want to see, 108 00:06:23,800 --> 00:06:26,680 but which was seen by people who travelled on the Underground. 109 00:06:26,680 --> 00:06:29,240 It was the last of its kind to happen in Great Britain. 110 00:06:29,240 --> 00:06:32,920 And it's quite odd to imagine something relatively modern 111 00:06:32,920 --> 00:06:36,160 like an Underground system overlapping with this. 112 00:06:36,160 --> 00:06:38,428 Somebody not looking at their phone. 113 00:06:38,452 --> 00:06:39,840 No, no. 114 00:06:39,840 --> 00:06:43,560 2,000 people turned up to watch this event and many of them went by Tube. 115 00:06:43,560 --> 00:06:45,720 - Oh, a public execution. - Was it a hanging? 116 00:06:45,720 --> 00:06:48,960 It was a public execution, the last ever public execution in Britain. 117 00:06:48,960 --> 00:06:51,548 Well, let's say, you know, the most recent. 118 00:06:51,572 --> 00:06:52,480 Yes. 119 00:06:52,480 --> 00:06:54,228 We live in dark times. 120 00:06:54,252 --> 00:06:56,091 We do. They may well return. 121 00:06:56,115 --> 00:06:56,720 Yeah. 122 00:06:56,720 --> 00:07:01,440 Well, this one was in Newgate, which is now the Old Bailey, essentially. 123 00:07:01,440 --> 00:07:05,720 The Old Bailey is built on the ruins and the old cellars of Newgate are still there. 124 00:07:05,720 --> 00:07:08,160 And the walk that the dead man used to have to take, 125 00:07:08,160 --> 00:07:10,160 through archways of diminishing size. 126 00:07:10,160 --> 00:07:12,680 And there would be baying and crying outside, 127 00:07:12,680 --> 00:07:15,880 and then he'd go across and there'd be a little patch of blue sky, 128 00:07:15,880 --> 00:07:19,840 and then he'd ascend the steps and then the rope would be straight around him. 129 00:07:19,840 --> 00:07:22,640 And he was a Fenian, an Irish nationalist. 130 00:07:22,640 --> 00:07:24,560 He was called Michael Barrett. 131 00:07:24,560 --> 00:07:26,720 Many people believed he was actually innocent. 132 00:07:26,720 --> 00:07:29,200 A bomb was placed outside Clerkenwell Prison 133 00:07:29,200 --> 00:07:32,160 in order to blow a hole in it to free a Fenian prisoner. 134 00:07:32,160 --> 00:07:35,560 So it was probably a Fenian who did it and presumably a gang. 135 00:07:35,560 --> 00:07:40,080 He was the only one arrested and hanged, but on very slender evidence. 136 00:07:40,080 --> 00:07:42,640 But I think the fact of the matter is, you know, 137 00:07:42,640 --> 00:07:47,588 if hanging came back again, you'd get thousands of people going to watch it. 138 00:07:47,612 --> 00:07:49,300 - It'd be like a football match! - Of course! 139 00:07:49,300 --> 00:07:52,040 - If it was open to the public. - It would go viral. 140 00:07:52,040 --> 00:07:56,440 I don't think it's going to be that long before they have hanging on Big Brother. 141 00:07:56,440 --> 00:08:00,520 Well, there you are, the death of the last American Civil War pensioner is unusual 142 00:08:00,520 --> 00:08:03,800 because it hasn't yet happened, at least at time of going to press. 143 00:08:03,800 --> 00:08:05,760 And the last thing you'd probably want to go 144 00:08:05,760 --> 00:08:08,480 and see on the London Underground was the last public hanging. 145 00:08:08,480 --> 00:08:12,120 Now we move on to L for larceny. Would you rather get an e-mail 146 00:08:12,120 --> 00:08:15,480 from a Spanish prisoner or a Nigerian Prince? 147 00:08:17,880 --> 00:08:19,440 Well... 148 00:08:22,040 --> 00:08:23,748 A Nigerian Prince. 149 00:08:23,772 --> 00:08:25,640 Why is that, please, pray? 150 00:08:25,640 --> 00:08:27,240 - What? - Why is that, please? 151 00:08:29,160 --> 00:08:32,040 - I have no reason. I... - Oh, I see. 152 00:08:32,040 --> 00:08:33,920 - I'm using the 50/50 rule. - Oh, fair enough. 153 00:08:33,920 --> 00:08:34,868 - Yes, yes. - Yeah. 154 00:08:34,892 --> 00:08:36,840 I mean, they're both pretty bad options, to be honest. 155 00:08:36,840 --> 00:08:38,960 - I think we know... - Yes, can you trust a Nigerian Prince? 156 00:08:38,960 --> 00:08:41,560 Have you never had one of those e-mails? 157 00:08:41,560 --> 00:08:42,800 No, no, actually, I don't. No. 158 00:08:42,800 --> 00:08:45,588 Of course, Australian internet connection is so slow, 159 00:08:45,612 --> 00:08:48,760 you probably don't even get e-mails. You certainly can't... 160 00:08:48,760 --> 00:08:51,640 You certainly can't download movies or anything. 161 00:08:51,640 --> 00:08:54,800 No, look, I mean I love the country. It's not your fault. 162 00:09:03,280 --> 00:09:04,520 - Listen, Colin... - He's only going over there, 163 00:09:04,520 --> 00:09:08,240 because that's the only place he can get Wi-Fi. 164 00:09:08,240 --> 00:09:09,960 It's not your fault. 165 00:09:09,960 --> 00:09:14,200 I love the country, but I do love so much to hang shit on it... 166 00:09:14,200 --> 00:09:16,080 ...as much as I possibly can. 167 00:09:17,640 --> 00:09:19,360 Yeah? 168 00:09:19,360 --> 00:09:23,480 I had a letter from a Nigerian person and it said, 169 00:09:23,480 --> 00:09:27,400 ring this number and the number was in Spain, so what about that? 170 00:09:27,400 --> 00:09:31,480 And it went to a house where I no longer lived, 171 00:09:31,480 --> 00:09:34,200 addressed to the person who owned it before I owned it. 172 00:09:34,200 --> 00:09:37,480 - That's pretty weird. - Saying, you have won four million euros, 173 00:09:37,480 --> 00:09:39,760 or something like this. Ring this number. 174 00:09:39,760 --> 00:09:41,068 So I rang the number and I said... 175 00:09:41,092 --> 00:09:43,200 Why did you ring the number? 176 00:09:44,200 --> 00:09:46,720 Because, you know, what if it was true? 177 00:09:49,640 --> 00:09:52,200 I said, "I just wanted you to know 178 00:09:52,200 --> 00:09:54,500 that the person you've sent this to doesn't live here any more." 179 00:09:54,500 --> 00:09:55,588 "I don't know where he lives." 180 00:09:55,612 --> 00:09:57,500 And how did they respond? 181 00:09:57,500 --> 00:10:00,720 They said, "Oh, well, according to the terms of the win, 182 00:10:00,720 --> 00:10:05,120 the winnings can be passed on to the next owner of the house." 183 00:10:07,520 --> 00:10:09,720 So I said, "Oh, well, that would be me." 184 00:10:09,720 --> 00:10:12,188 I said, "This is beginning to sound like a scam." 185 00:10:12,212 --> 00:10:14,040 Did you? 186 00:10:14,040 --> 00:10:17,520 And then he said, in a really thick Nigerian accent, 187 00:10:17,520 --> 00:10:22,760 in feigned indignation, how dare I suggest such a thing. 188 00:10:22,760 --> 00:10:26,280 And I said, "Well, then send me four million euros forthwith." 189 00:10:26,280 --> 00:10:29,600 And he said, "Well, I'll need your bank account details." 190 00:10:29,600 --> 00:10:31,908 "I don't think so, sonny Jim," and that was the end of that. 191 00:10:31,932 --> 00:10:34,500 Yeah. Though some people do actually string them along, 192 00:10:34,500 --> 00:10:36,600 they're called 419 baiters. 193 00:10:36,600 --> 00:10:39,360 You bait them by pretending that you're really interested 194 00:10:39,360 --> 00:10:40,760 and you waste their time. 195 00:10:40,760 --> 00:10:44,520 And it's called 419, does anyone know the reason why 419 is attached to it? 196 00:10:46,920 --> 00:10:48,520 No. 197 00:10:50,600 --> 00:10:52,800 It's because, under the penal code of Nigeria, 198 00:10:52,800 --> 00:10:54,748 419 covers that type of fraud. 199 00:10:54,772 --> 00:10:56,700 - The penal code of Nigeria! - How do you like that? 200 00:10:56,700 --> 00:10:59,280 Now, now, now. 201 00:11:00,520 --> 00:11:02,508 You see what I love about those scams 202 00:11:02,532 --> 00:11:07,400 is the enormous sums of money, you know, they don't just put like six grand, 203 00:11:07,400 --> 00:11:11,080 which most people, let's be honest, might be quite pleased with. 204 00:11:11,080 --> 00:11:15,880 But they put, sort of, $500,000 billion. 205 00:11:15,880 --> 00:11:18,800 And so the thing is, like you know, that really cuts, 206 00:11:18,800 --> 00:11:21,240 - I'm just giving them some advice here... - Yes. 207 00:11:21,240 --> 00:11:23,640 That completely cuts down the number of people 208 00:11:23,640 --> 00:11:25,920 - who will believe something like that. - Yeah. 209 00:11:25,920 --> 00:11:31,160 Well, unfortunately, they, like all con artists, prey on the most weak 210 00:11:31,160 --> 00:11:34,600 and the most vulnerable, and of course, I suppose, the most greedy. 211 00:11:34,600 --> 00:11:37,680 There's an old rule in conning, in grifting, 212 00:11:37,680 --> 00:11:41,000 is that you can never con someone who isn't greedy. 213 00:11:41,000 --> 00:11:43,840 You know, all the great cons require people to want money. 214 00:11:43,840 --> 00:11:46,500 - I was not conned. - No, you weren't conned. That's right. 215 00:11:46,500 --> 00:11:48,500 I was just curious to see who this person was. 216 00:11:48,500 --> 00:11:49,500 I wasn't referring to you. 217 00:11:49,500 --> 00:11:51,440 I thought I might get some material out of it. 218 00:11:51,440 --> 00:11:52,228 Yeah. But... 219 00:11:52,252 --> 00:11:54,480 But the only way I could make it funny was by doing 220 00:11:54,480 --> 00:11:57,280 an appalling Nigerian accent, which is apparently "racist". 221 00:11:57,280 --> 00:12:01,360 And that would be inappropriate. This you must not do. 222 00:12:01,360 --> 00:12:02,508 That wasn't it, for example. 223 00:12:02,532 --> 00:12:04,440 - Yeah. And I can't do that. - No. 224 00:12:04,440 --> 00:12:07,080 One of the things Nigerians do, which is very pleasing, 225 00:12:07,080 --> 00:12:10,760 is they put the stress in very odd places on English words. 226 00:12:10,760 --> 00:12:12,640 So "I am not in that cat-EG-ory," 227 00:12:12,640 --> 00:12:15,400 they will say, and things like that, which I find very endearing, 228 00:12:15,400 --> 00:12:17,760 and I hope that's not patronising, it's not meant to be. 229 00:12:17,760 --> 00:12:18,920 - Er, but they... - It is. 230 00:12:18,920 --> 00:12:24,800 - They use, deliberately... - Australia, Nigeria... 231 00:12:24,800 --> 00:12:28,600 I'm patronising to everyone in equal measure, I assure you, Colin. 232 00:12:28,600 --> 00:12:30,760 Excellent, excellent. That makes me feel so much better. 233 00:12:30,760 --> 00:12:33,828 "What we just sent is, is a scam". 234 00:12:33,852 --> 00:12:35,480 So... Nice one. 235 00:12:35,480 --> 00:12:36,840 Things like that. 236 00:12:36,840 --> 00:12:39,800 They deliberately use spelling mistakes and bad grammar. 237 00:12:39,800 --> 00:12:41,400 Why would they do that? 238 00:12:41,400 --> 00:12:45,320 - To attract Australians. - You are basically right. 239 00:12:47,320 --> 00:12:48,280 You've got it. 240 00:12:54,840 --> 00:12:55,640 Now, then! 241 00:12:55,640 --> 00:12:58,520 - That's my one! - No, you can't touch it. 242 00:13:01,440 --> 00:13:04,120 We already know what Australians are like at losing things, 243 00:13:04,120 --> 00:13:07,400 we've known three times out of four. 244 00:13:10,840 --> 00:13:12,188 - Colin's possessions. - Yeah. 245 00:13:12,212 --> 00:13:15,280 What's the most recent result, though? 246 00:13:15,280 --> 00:13:18,160 The most recent... Three out of four we'll take, happily. 247 00:13:18,160 --> 00:13:21,400 But the reason, sadly, that they tend to use deliberately bad grammar 248 00:13:21,400 --> 00:13:24,640 and spelling is to get rid of people who will spot it 249 00:13:24,640 --> 00:13:27,840 and think it's not real, it's obviously not from a lawyer. 250 00:13:27,840 --> 00:13:32,160 But people who are more vulnerable, less educated are more likely to fall for it. 251 00:13:32,160 --> 00:13:35,240 So it is all the crueller and meaner for that reason. 252 00:13:35,240 --> 00:13:37,640 Like that word "refund" there, for example. 253 00:13:37,640 --> 00:13:41,160 It's really, really cruel, like all cons of that nature. 254 00:13:41,160 --> 00:13:42,680 - "Refvund..." - Yeah, exactly. 255 00:13:42,680 --> 00:13:44,920 Have you had the one where you get an e-mail 256 00:13:44,920 --> 00:13:48,280 supposedly from a friend saying, "Oh, I'm stuck in Malta..." 257 00:13:48,280 --> 00:13:50,760 - Yes, very much so. - I always send money to those. 258 00:13:50,760 --> 00:13:52,680 Actually, I got one from a friend of mine 259 00:13:52,680 --> 00:13:56,720 and he really was in trouble and I thought it was a scam and he died. 260 00:13:58,800 --> 00:14:01,040 But, you know, you can't win 'em all. 261 00:14:02,280 --> 00:14:03,348 That's not true. 262 00:14:03,372 --> 00:14:05,040 - That's not true, no. - No. 263 00:14:05,040 --> 00:14:08,120 Now, the first part of the question was about the Spanish prisoner, 264 00:14:08,120 --> 00:14:10,548 does that phrase mean anything to you? Does it ring a bell of any kind? 265 00:14:10,572 --> 00:14:11,480 No. 266 00:14:11,480 --> 00:14:14,000 The Spanish prisoner principle was really the same thing. 267 00:14:14,000 --> 00:14:16,160 It was a letter going all the way back, you're going 268 00:14:16,160 --> 00:14:18,840 hundreds and hundreds of years, from someone who claimed to be 269 00:14:18,840 --> 00:14:20,160 imprisoned by the Spanish, 270 00:14:20,160 --> 00:14:22,520 "Please send me money, I will pay you back 271 00:14:22,520 --> 00:14:26,400 a thousandfold and you can marry my beautiful daughter," and so on. 272 00:14:26,400 --> 00:14:27,840 It was a very early con trick. 273 00:14:27,840 --> 00:14:31,880 And in 1914, which was the year Nigeria was founded, 274 00:14:31,880 --> 00:14:35,588 the British Ambassador to Spain wrote to the Nigerian colonial officers 275 00:14:35,612 --> 00:14:37,600 warning them about the Spanish prisoner trick, 276 00:14:37,600 --> 00:14:39,500 saying, "It appears that perpetrators of this fraud 277 00:14:39,500 --> 00:14:43,840 are still endeavouring to victimise residents of the British colonies." 278 00:14:43,840 --> 00:14:46,560 "The public in Nigeria should be warned to be upon their guard." 279 00:14:46,560 --> 00:14:48,920 So it's possible that Nigerian criminals got this 280 00:14:48,920 --> 00:14:51,160 from their British colonial officers, in fact. 281 00:14:51,160 --> 00:14:53,440 It's a very ancient one. 282 00:14:53,440 --> 00:14:56,040 Now, how do you turn a camel into a mule? 283 00:14:57,040 --> 00:14:58,800 Chop its hump off. 284 00:14:58,800 --> 00:15:01,640 Well, it would turn it into a camel without humps. 285 00:15:01,640 --> 00:15:03,200 Cocaine. 286 00:15:03,200 --> 00:15:05,480 - What? - Great that you should know that. 287 00:15:05,480 --> 00:15:07,960 Slightly dodgy that you should know that, but charming. 288 00:15:07,960 --> 00:15:08,788 - Who was it? - What did they say? 289 00:15:08,812 --> 00:15:09,760 They said... 290 00:15:09,760 --> 00:15:11,908 - Who was it who just shouted, "Cocaine"? - "Cocaine." 291 00:15:11,932 --> 00:15:12,800 Yeah. 292 00:15:12,800 --> 00:15:15,348 Maybe just, you know, they want some cocaine. 293 00:15:15,372 --> 00:15:16,760 Yeah! Obviously! 294 00:15:16,760 --> 00:15:19,320 You get to the point, halfway through a show... 295 00:15:19,320 --> 00:15:21,320 Yeah, you need a little bit of a lift. 296 00:15:21,320 --> 00:15:24,240 And we've got waiters going around with all sorts of hard drugs. 297 00:15:24,240 --> 00:15:26,188 Just place your order. 298 00:15:26,212 --> 00:15:27,588 Did you read, there's so much cocaine being used in Britain, 299 00:15:27,612 --> 00:15:28,908 that it's in the water supply? 300 00:15:28,932 --> 00:15:30,268 - Goodness me! - Yes! 301 00:15:30,292 --> 00:15:32,200 - And ibuprofen as well. - Oh! 302 00:15:32,200 --> 00:15:35,400 - Do you? - Yeah, water will numb you and excite you. 303 00:15:37,400 --> 00:15:38,588 Very extraordinary. 304 00:15:38,612 --> 00:15:40,948 I knew about banknotes, that's true of banknotes, isn't it? 305 00:15:40,972 --> 00:15:42,548 There are banknotes in the water supply?! 306 00:15:42,572 --> 00:15:43,320 No! 307 00:15:46,600 --> 00:15:48,240 It's all very complicated. 308 00:15:48,240 --> 00:15:50,628 Well, there was a little hint shouted out there. 309 00:15:50,652 --> 00:15:51,280 Oh, so... 310 00:15:51,280 --> 00:15:52,468 When we used the word "mule". 311 00:15:52,492 --> 00:15:53,920 - A drug mule. - A drug mule. 312 00:15:53,920 --> 00:15:56,600 So how do you train a camel to be a drug mule? 313 00:15:56,600 --> 00:16:00,240 Just put some cocaine on its back and send it off into the desert? 314 00:16:00,240 --> 00:16:03,228 Yes, but how can you be sure where it was going? You'd want it to go where... 315 00:16:03,252 --> 00:16:04,428 Give it a compass. 316 00:16:04,452 --> 00:16:07,840 Well, sort of. This is L for learning. 317 00:16:07,840 --> 00:16:11,480 What you do first is you take the camel on the journey 318 00:16:11,480 --> 00:16:15,080 you want it to learn, which can be a very, very long one, all the way, 319 00:16:15,080 --> 00:16:17,948 say, from round about the Red Sea, or, or... 320 00:16:17,972 --> 00:16:19,960 London to Birmingham. 321 00:16:19,960 --> 00:16:21,600 ...all the way to Morocco. 322 00:16:21,600 --> 00:16:24,560 - Right across the desert. - And it only needs one go to learn it? 323 00:16:24,560 --> 00:16:26,280 You do it without feeding it at all and you only feed it 324 00:16:26,280 --> 00:16:30,360 when it gets to the end. So it kind of remembers this long journey... 325 00:16:30,360 --> 00:16:32,988 - Yeah, I'd bloody remember that! - Yeah, exactly! 326 00:16:33,012 --> 00:16:36,200 Wouldn't we all? So then, what you do is take it back to West Africa, 327 00:16:36,200 --> 00:16:38,480 where you get your drugs and you load it, 328 00:16:38,480 --> 00:16:41,440 you have nothing to do with it then, you then get a jeep or a plane 329 00:16:41,440 --> 00:16:43,960 up to Morocco and the thing will make its long journey, 330 00:16:43,960 --> 00:16:46,600 you sit in the hotel drinking beer and wait for it to come, 331 00:16:46,600 --> 00:16:48,800 and it will arrive at the place you last left it. 332 00:16:48,800 --> 00:16:50,520 There's something sad about that. 333 00:16:50,520 --> 00:16:52,640 It is very sad, it's very loyal and very good. 334 00:16:52,640 --> 00:16:55,560 So the camels take responsibility if they're caught? 335 00:16:55,560 --> 00:16:58,520 Well, there's no-one else to blame, is there, except the camels? 336 00:16:58,520 --> 00:17:03,120 So all we need now is to train camels to, you know, check into airlines... 337 00:17:03,120 --> 00:17:04,428 Yes! 338 00:17:04,452 --> 00:17:08,920 Because where you really want to smuggle drugs to is rich Western countries. 339 00:17:08,920 --> 00:17:11,360 You're only a few miles from Spain, and Spain is, you know, 340 00:17:11,360 --> 00:17:15,040 a big distribution point for these drugs, so I think that's the point. 341 00:17:15,040 --> 00:17:16,828 And camels can swim? 342 00:17:16,852 --> 00:17:18,880 No, you then take it off the camel. 343 00:17:18,880 --> 00:17:20,360 You take it off the camel? Right. 344 00:17:20,360 --> 00:17:22,668 You don't have to take the camel across to Spain... 345 00:17:22,692 --> 00:17:23,960 No. 346 00:17:23,960 --> 00:17:25,228 - ...by water? - Jet ski! 347 00:17:25,252 --> 00:17:26,920 Jet ski? 348 00:17:26,920 --> 00:17:28,268 - None of that! - Pedalo. 349 00:17:28,292 --> 00:17:31,120 Pedalo. Exactly. Um... 350 00:17:31,120 --> 00:17:35,960 Now, describe the aviation techniques of the Concrete Arrows. 351 00:17:35,960 --> 00:17:39,908 Well, concrete can't really fly, Stephen, can it, because it's very heavy. 352 00:17:39,932 --> 00:17:42,600 Well, are you saying a jumbo jet isn't heavy? 353 00:17:43,640 --> 00:17:45,160 Good point. 354 00:17:46,480 --> 00:17:49,000 - But they didn't make... - It needs a lot of thrust. 355 00:17:49,000 --> 00:17:50,988 When you're in an aeroplane, you can hear that noise, 356 00:17:51,012 --> 00:17:53,640 which is them filling it with helium. 357 00:17:53,640 --> 00:17:56,828 I'm assuming that's what the noise is and that's how it works. 358 00:17:56,852 --> 00:17:57,500 - Yes, exactly. - Yeah. 359 00:17:57,500 --> 00:17:59,520 We're just waiting for the cabin to fill with helium 360 00:17:59,520 --> 00:18:03,320 and then we will float gently up and then across the sea. 361 00:18:03,320 --> 00:18:07,320 Imagine the conversations you'd have in the plane if it was filled with helium. 362 00:18:07,320 --> 00:18:10,480 "All right, yeah." "Can I have a cup of tea, please?" 363 00:18:10,480 --> 00:18:13,240 It does stuff to your ears, so that's what you are hearing. 364 00:18:13,240 --> 00:18:15,640 - But it sounds normal. - Oh, yes. Good point. 365 00:18:17,500 --> 00:18:20,240 We look to you for all this information, we're very grateful for it. 366 00:18:20,240 --> 00:18:22,440 Well, naturally, of course, you are quite right in the sense 367 00:18:22,440 --> 00:18:25,320 that there have never been any flying vehicles built of concrete. 368 00:18:25,320 --> 00:18:29,160 But there have been concrete arrows that have a great deal to do with aviation. 369 00:18:29,160 --> 00:18:32,120 And we go back to the early days of aviation, in a country that 370 00:18:32,120 --> 00:18:35,240 was expanding perhaps more rapidly than any economy has ever expanded. 371 00:18:35,240 --> 00:18:37,228 And that was? The place... 372 00:18:37,252 --> 00:18:39,280 - America. America. - The United States of America, yes. 373 00:18:39,280 --> 00:18:42,640 And there's a large landmass and they had... 374 00:18:42,640 --> 00:18:44,600 Arrows to show the way across it? 375 00:18:44,600 --> 00:18:47,600 Well, yes, they had, but this was even faster. 376 00:18:47,600 --> 00:18:49,548 - Is that how big the arrows were? - No. 377 00:18:49,572 --> 00:18:50,800 No, those would be huge. 378 00:18:50,800 --> 00:18:53,280 - They would be huge. - They were big enough. 379 00:18:53,280 --> 00:18:57,760 They had 70-foot long concrete arrows every ten miles across the USA. 380 00:18:57,760 --> 00:19:00,000 And there's one that still exists. 381 00:19:00,000 --> 00:19:02,760 In 1933 they stopped the programme, because radio advances 382 00:19:02,760 --> 00:19:05,280 and so on had meant they were unnecessary for navigation. 383 00:19:05,280 --> 00:19:08,640 But before that, they really needed to find a way that aeroplanes 384 00:19:08,640 --> 00:19:11,000 didn't have to dive down into towns to look 385 00:19:11,000 --> 00:19:12,748 and see where they were, which before that... 386 00:19:12,772 --> 00:19:13,903 - Ask for directions. - Yeah, basically! 387 00:19:13,903 --> 00:19:16,520 - Go down along the high street. - "Where am I?" 388 00:19:16,520 --> 00:19:19,628 And what was common was that the towns that actually paint the name of the town 389 00:19:19,652 --> 00:19:21,440 on a large roof. 390 00:19:21,440 --> 00:19:24,500 Is that what those big, you see roofs with "TEAS" written on it. 391 00:19:24,500 --> 00:19:28,000 - Yeah, well, maybe. - Is that for pilots who fancy a scone? 392 00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:29,948 Yes, maybe, maybe. 393 00:19:29,972 --> 00:19:32,400 Teas, but no airport nearby, sorry. 394 00:19:33,560 --> 00:19:36,120 But there, yes, the arrows, straightforward. 395 00:19:36,120 --> 00:19:38,120 Really simple and it worked. 396 00:19:38,120 --> 00:19:40,240 Speaking of things visible from the air, 397 00:19:40,240 --> 00:19:42,760 can you imagine something that the French made 398 00:19:42,760 --> 00:19:46,280 visible from the air to try and win the First World War? 399 00:19:46,280 --> 00:19:50,560 Or at least to try not to be utterly crushed by the First World War. 400 00:19:50,560 --> 00:19:53,508 Something for the German spotter planes to see? 401 00:19:53,532 --> 00:19:54,120 Yes. 402 00:19:54,120 --> 00:19:57,440 The fake weaponry, something like that? Wooden tanks or something. 403 00:19:57,440 --> 00:19:59,508 Was it a great big baguette? 404 00:19:59,532 --> 00:20:01,640 It was a fake something. 405 00:20:01,640 --> 00:20:03,028 Fake Eiffel Tower? 406 00:20:03,052 --> 00:20:04,440 Well, and more. 407 00:20:04,440 --> 00:20:06,720 - Fake guillotine, fake Paris. - Fake Paris. 408 00:20:06,720 --> 00:20:09,840 A fake Paris, Colin, well done. Finally. Finally! 409 00:20:11,360 --> 00:20:13,560 Come on, Aussie, come on. 410 00:20:17,280 --> 00:20:20,828 And now you've had the pleasure of a whole audience being patronising to you. 411 00:20:20,852 --> 00:20:21,160 Yes. 412 00:20:22,320 --> 00:20:25,520 Come on, Aussie, come on. Yes, you're absolutely right. 413 00:20:25,520 --> 00:20:28,480 The French were very worried, as bombing technology was 414 00:20:28,480 --> 00:20:30,560 improving towards the end of the war, 415 00:20:30,560 --> 00:20:34,720 that their beloved Paris was going to go up in smoke and all the wonderful buildings. 416 00:20:34,720 --> 00:20:38,680 So, 15 miles to the north, on a stretch of the Seine, 417 00:20:38,680 --> 00:20:42,560 they built lots of buildings, including a Gare du Nord and even 418 00:20:42,560 --> 00:20:45,680 moving lights to suggest the railway tracks and other such things. 419 00:20:45,680 --> 00:20:49,388 Unfortunately, it was never completed, because they only had the idea in 1918 420 00:20:49,412 --> 00:20:50,960 and by November, of course, the war was over. 421 00:20:50,960 --> 00:20:53,840 - Was it to scale? - From the air, yes. I think it was. 422 00:20:53,840 --> 00:20:57,880 - Not like that London in Legoland. - No, not like that. 423 00:20:57,880 --> 00:21:02,040 They didn't get people over from, like, Hollywood to build it for them? 424 00:21:02,040 --> 00:21:05,120 You'd think they should've done. Or magicians, like Maskelyne, 425 00:21:05,120 --> 00:21:07,680 who did the famous camouflaging of the Suez Canal. 426 00:21:07,680 --> 00:21:10,840 Didn't he also do the fake army in Kent? 427 00:21:10,840 --> 00:21:13,640 I mean, he CLAIMED, actually, Maskelyne, he claimed rather a lot, 428 00:21:13,640 --> 00:21:16,560 that now people think he probably wasn't responsible for. 429 00:21:16,560 --> 00:21:23,480 Speaking of magicians and flying, you know, before, did you know that Houdini, er... 430 00:21:23,480 --> 00:21:29,400 He made the first powered flight in Australia? 431 00:21:29,400 --> 00:21:30,588 - Oh, I didn't know that! - Yes. 432 00:21:30,612 --> 00:21:32,960 He went to Australia specifically knowing 433 00:21:32,960 --> 00:21:35,520 no-one had ever flown there before, so he could be the first. 434 00:21:35,520 --> 00:21:37,268 - That's right. - That's the sort of bloke he was. 435 00:21:37,292 --> 00:21:38,560 He was a total showman, yeah. 436 00:21:38,560 --> 00:21:40,160 I did a run in a theatre in Broadway, 437 00:21:40,160 --> 00:21:43,000 which was the theatre where he did his famous elephant trick, 438 00:21:43,000 --> 00:21:46,440 and it has the deepest sub-stage, as they call it, the deepest area 439 00:21:46,440 --> 00:21:49,440 under the stage imaginable, because he kept two elephants there, 440 00:21:49,440 --> 00:21:52,640 And it's called the Belasco Theatre, and it's absolutely fantastic. 441 00:21:52,640 --> 00:21:53,548 They weren't still there, though? 442 00:21:53,572 --> 00:21:55,360 - They weren't still there. - No? 443 00:21:55,360 --> 00:21:59,000 A theatre in Newcastle, the Theatre Royal in Newcastle, under the stage has... 444 00:21:59,000 --> 00:22:01,480 It's actually a replica, because it burned in the '80s, 445 00:22:01,480 --> 00:22:05,120 but all the old Victorian wheels and ropes and pulleys... 446 00:22:05,120 --> 00:22:06,708 ...so you could have moving floors, and you could have a... 447 00:22:06,732 --> 00:22:07,440 Fabulous! 448 00:22:07,440 --> 00:22:10,480 ...stage a Grand National on a revolving stage. 449 00:22:10,480 --> 00:22:15,280 But all of that stuff was all run by sailors, but one time, 450 00:22:15,280 --> 00:22:17,960 they were running such elaborate stage work in that theatre, 451 00:22:17,960 --> 00:22:20,708 they had 190 crewmembers working under the stage. 452 00:22:20,732 --> 00:22:21,240 God! 453 00:22:21,240 --> 00:22:23,228 Using the rigging and doing all that stuff. 454 00:22:23,252 --> 00:22:24,708 Yeah. You should ask someone, if you're interested, 455 00:22:24,732 --> 00:22:27,840 to go round the Theatre Royal, Drury Lane, as well, cos that, 456 00:22:27,840 --> 00:22:31,480 not only has fantastic mechanisms, but also was on the steam main. 457 00:22:31,480 --> 00:22:34,880 People forget that London was on steam, in the same way that it was 458 00:22:34,880 --> 00:22:39,200 on gas and is now on electricity and, on the broadband, as it were. 459 00:22:39,200 --> 00:22:41,200 How do you spell that - broadband? 460 00:22:41,200 --> 00:22:42,640 Yes! 461 00:22:42,640 --> 00:22:44,960 B-R...? Broadband. 462 00:22:44,960 --> 00:22:47,480 - I'll write it up for you upside down. - Thank you. 463 00:22:47,480 --> 00:22:49,080 Now from flight to fight. 464 00:22:49,080 --> 00:22:53,720 Which military leader does this mighty Norfolk oak commemorate? 465 00:22:54,720 --> 00:22:56,040 Yes, Jo? 466 00:22:56,040 --> 00:22:57,680 Nigel Farage? 467 00:23:03,600 --> 00:23:05,080 Well, well. 468 00:23:06,560 --> 00:23:08,348 It's not a very big oak. 469 00:23:08,372 --> 00:23:09,160 No, it isn't mighty, is it? 470 00:23:09,160 --> 00:23:11,320 - So, it's... - So it's not that old, in fact. 471 00:23:11,320 --> 00:23:14,880 - Yeah, it could be... - It's about 80 years old, not quite 80. 472 00:23:14,880 --> 00:23:16,880 - Not quite 80. Kitchener? - It was a sapling. 473 00:23:16,880 --> 00:23:18,280 It was a sapling 78 years ago. 474 00:23:18,280 --> 00:23:20,788 So, no, it would be too late for Kitchener. 475 00:23:20,812 --> 00:23:22,720 Not Mosley? 476 00:23:22,720 --> 00:23:26,440 You're in the right ball park, but even more of a military leader. 477 00:23:26,440 --> 00:23:27,600 Not Hitler? 478 00:23:27,600 --> 00:23:31,520 Adolf, as you rightly say, Hit, as you pointed out, ler. 479 00:23:31,520 --> 00:23:32,908 Yes, he's... 480 00:23:32,932 --> 00:23:34,840 There's a commemorative oak tree in Norfolk? 481 00:23:34,840 --> 00:23:39,720 The fact is, everybody who won a gold medal in the 1936 Olympics 482 00:23:39,720 --> 00:23:43,520 in Berlin was presented with a sapling of an oak tree. 483 00:23:43,520 --> 00:23:45,880 - And they're known as... - OUR oak trees, Stephen? 484 00:23:45,880 --> 00:23:46,868 Ah, well... 485 00:23:46,892 --> 00:23:48,960 You mean they've got oak trees in Germany? 486 00:23:48,960 --> 00:23:52,960 Yes, I'm afraid the German for oak is eich, so Eichmann is oak-man. 487 00:23:52,960 --> 00:23:55,120 - Is it really? I feel soiled. - Hmm, yes. 488 00:23:55,120 --> 00:23:57,360 Some of the oak trees are on the German side. 489 00:23:57,360 --> 00:23:59,400 Yes, our word acorn and oak come from the eich. 490 00:23:59,400 --> 00:24:00,628 Stout, proud English oak, 491 00:24:00,652 --> 00:24:02,560 - why are we always going on about...? - Hearts of oak. I know. 492 00:24:02,560 --> 00:24:05,600 Anyway, the Hitler oaks, there are none left in Britain 493 00:24:05,600 --> 00:24:08,720 except the one in Norfolk, which is surviving, as you see. 494 00:24:08,720 --> 00:24:11,388 You would assume that it's not going to really last that long, 495 00:24:11,412 --> 00:24:13,360 once people watch this. 496 00:24:13,360 --> 00:24:15,800 Well, no, they might go and hack it down. 497 00:24:15,800 --> 00:24:17,628 A lot of Americans didn't keep theirs for that reason. 498 00:24:17,652 --> 00:24:19,600 Jesse Owens actually did keep his. 499 00:24:19,600 --> 00:24:21,360 He won, how many gold medals at the...? 500 00:24:21,360 --> 00:24:22,840 - Four. - Four, quite right. 501 00:24:22,840 --> 00:24:26,948 And one of his Hitler oaks survives in his old training school in Cleveland, Ohio. 502 00:24:26,972 --> 00:24:28,360 He gave another to his mother. 503 00:24:28,360 --> 00:24:30,348 Some US athletes threw theirs away, as I say. 504 00:24:30,372 --> 00:24:32,160 What a lovely present. 505 00:24:32,160 --> 00:24:35,120 Well, it was handed out by the committee, rather than Hitler himself, 506 00:24:35,120 --> 00:24:38,040 but they were, of course, associated so much with his regime. 507 00:24:38,040 --> 00:24:41,600 I gave my mum a pair of Saddam Hussein's pants for her birthday. 508 00:24:42,600 --> 00:24:46,040 Anyway, there you go. Congratulations to all those who did win. 509 00:24:46,040 --> 00:24:49,160 Now, Kyrgyzstan has a famous forest. 510 00:24:49,160 --> 00:24:49,948 Kyrgyzstan? 511 00:24:49,972 --> 00:24:53,400 - It's got a forest. - It has a forest in the shape of...? 512 00:24:53,400 --> 00:24:54,348 - Oh! - Oh... 513 00:24:54,372 --> 00:24:58,188 Is it something like their dictator's face? Or...? 514 00:24:58,212 --> 00:25:00,120 Well, they do have a famous dictator who is a bit mad, 515 00:25:00,120 --> 00:25:02,228 but actually, this is a symbol of dictatorship. 516 00:25:02,252 --> 00:25:03,080 Hammer and sickle? 517 00:25:03,080 --> 00:25:05,360 Not a hammer and sickle. More fascistic. 518 00:25:05,360 --> 00:25:08,040 Torture equipment? 519 00:25:08,040 --> 00:25:09,640 You might see it on an armband. 520 00:25:09,640 --> 00:25:12,320 - A swastika? - A Swastika is the right answer, yes. 521 00:25:15,800 --> 00:25:17,800 Um, no-one quite knows how it got there. 522 00:25:17,800 --> 00:25:20,560 They think it may be German prisoners of war who planted it 523 00:25:20,560 --> 00:25:23,160 as a little trick, because it was only visible from the air, 524 00:25:23,160 --> 00:25:25,520 but there is a better-known one from the air, which is 525 00:25:25,520 --> 00:25:28,160 in perhaps what you might call its country of origin, 526 00:25:28,160 --> 00:25:31,520 although you could argue that the swastika is an Indian symbol. 527 00:25:31,520 --> 00:25:33,468 Is it in the Black Forest somewhere? 528 00:25:33,492 --> 00:25:36,840 It's in Brandenburg, in Germany, which is in Prussia, and there it is! 529 00:25:36,840 --> 00:25:40,240 It only really expresses itself, because it's larch trees, 530 00:25:40,240 --> 00:25:42,880 as opposed to the trees around it, at the right time of year, 531 00:25:42,880 --> 00:25:45,240 when the larch trees go yellow, and they think it was 532 00:25:45,240 --> 00:25:50,240 planted in the '30s by enthusiastic Hitler Youth members. 533 00:25:50,240 --> 00:25:54,280 So they must be in a quandary, though, because it's an incredibly, 534 00:25:54,280 --> 00:25:56,108 er, divisive image, but... 535 00:25:56,132 --> 00:25:57,600 - Yes. - ...they are trees. 536 00:25:57,600 --> 00:25:59,788 No, you've pointed it out well and, as you probably know, 537 00:25:59,812 --> 00:26:02,240 it's illegal in Germany and they finally noticed it, 538 00:26:02,240 --> 00:26:04,480 somebody obviously flew over it and said, "Hang on!" 539 00:26:04,480 --> 00:26:05,228 "Hang on a minute!" 540 00:26:05,252 --> 00:26:07,868 They said, "Achtung, moment bitte." and so, 541 00:26:07,892 --> 00:26:09,960 - it was chopped down in the year 2000. - Oh, it was? 542 00:26:09,960 --> 00:26:12,108 Yeah, it was, so we are looking at an old photo. 543 00:26:12,132 --> 00:26:15,120 You wouldn't have to. You could just put in some other ones to fill it in 544 00:26:15,120 --> 00:26:16,828 - and turn it into a sort of harmless grid. - A square. 545 00:26:16,852 --> 00:26:18,120 Yes, that's true! 546 00:26:18,120 --> 00:26:20,360 That's true. 547 00:26:20,360 --> 00:26:22,480 It would be lovely for people flying over, going, 548 00:26:22,480 --> 00:26:26,480 "What a charming, harmless grid someone's put in the forest." 549 00:26:27,480 --> 00:26:31,840 So, good, excellent. Now, a question about language. 550 00:26:31,840 --> 00:26:36,320 Whom would you back in a fight, Chuck Norris or Communism? 551 00:26:39,480 --> 00:26:41,428 Instinctively, I'd back Communism. 552 00:26:41,452 --> 00:26:42,520 - Would you? - Yeah. 553 00:26:42,520 --> 00:26:44,960 What, out of preference or just because it's so mighty? 554 00:26:44,960 --> 00:26:47,840 It's a mighty international movement that kept 555 00:26:47,840 --> 00:26:50,760 millions in subjection, as opposed to just one guy. 556 00:26:51,760 --> 00:26:54,880 He's never really hit Britain in the way he has America, has he? 557 00:26:54,880 --> 00:26:56,228 Not like Jean-Claude or... 558 00:26:56,252 --> 00:26:57,840 - He's been and gone. - ...or Arnie. 559 00:26:57,840 --> 00:27:00,188 How can you match a bloke against 560 00:27:00,212 --> 00:27:03,000 - an abstract political theory, really? - Well, quite! 561 00:27:03,000 --> 00:27:06,200 And the fact is, the reality of Communism was, 562 00:27:06,200 --> 00:27:10,040 that it basically tried to keep from its people Western culture. 563 00:27:10,040 --> 00:27:14,480 And I experienced this. I was in New York and I had this guy who was driving me, 564 00:27:14,480 --> 00:27:18,480 and he was Romanian and, he spoke about picking his mother up 565 00:27:18,480 --> 00:27:21,960 from the airport when he managed to get her out of Ceausescu's Romania. 566 00:27:21,960 --> 00:27:25,000 And he said on the way, he stopped off at this corner supermarket, 567 00:27:25,000 --> 00:27:27,840 she followed him and he started plucking stuff off the shelves 568 00:27:27,840 --> 00:27:30,520 and then she'd disappeared, and he went round the aisle 569 00:27:30,520 --> 00:27:32,760 and she was on the floor sobbing her heart out. 570 00:27:32,760 --> 00:27:34,960 And he said, "What's the matter?" 571 00:27:34,960 --> 00:27:38,480 And she said, "They lied! They lied! All my life, they lied!" 572 00:27:38,480 --> 00:27:42,760 "They told us Westerners were poor and that only the very few were rich 573 00:27:42,760 --> 00:27:46,360 and you're just a driver and you can have all this?" 574 00:27:46,360 --> 00:27:48,400 "I cannot believe how they lied!" 575 00:27:48,400 --> 00:27:51,680 And I'm afraid, whatever one thinks about capitalism and Communism, 576 00:27:51,680 --> 00:27:54,800 the Ceausescus, they were so paranoid 577 00:27:54,800 --> 00:27:57,760 about their citizens finding out that, in the West, 578 00:27:57,760 --> 00:28:01,760 for all its faults, most people could eat to some degree, 579 00:28:01,760 --> 00:28:04,840 that they cut everything, even Tom and Jerry, you know the scenes 580 00:28:04,840 --> 00:28:07,028 in Tom and Jerry where there's a fridge with a big chicken? 581 00:28:07,052 --> 00:28:07,880 "Thomas!" 582 00:28:07,880 --> 00:28:09,600 Yeah, exactly, the Mammy character. 583 00:28:09,600 --> 00:28:11,840 They'd cut those out, so people wouldn't see that. 584 00:28:11,840 --> 00:28:15,200 It brings us round to this point is, under the Ceausescus, no element 585 00:28:15,200 --> 00:28:18,600 of Western prosperity was ever allowed to slip through culturally, 586 00:28:18,600 --> 00:28:22,160 so any films that showed any kind of prosperity were banned, 587 00:28:22,160 --> 00:28:28,760 but one woman, one woman on her own, imported 5,000 Western movies 588 00:28:28,760 --> 00:28:32,240 and dubbed them, hence the language point, she dubbed every character 589 00:28:32,240 --> 00:28:34,680 without making any distinction in the voices... 590 00:28:34,680 --> 00:28:38,440 ...but it was still an absolute feast 591 00:28:38,440 --> 00:28:42,760 in famine for the people of Romania who watched, amongst other things, 592 00:28:42,760 --> 00:28:47,360 Jaws, The Godfather 2, The Shining and lots of Chuck Norris movies. 593 00:28:47,360 --> 00:28:50,440 And they adored them! And, after Nicolae Ceausescu, 594 00:28:50,440 --> 00:28:54,360 she was the most well-known Romanian to a whole generation. 595 00:28:54,360 --> 00:28:56,880 Her name was Margareta Nistor, but they didn't know that, 596 00:28:56,880 --> 00:28:58,560 cos obviously she kept it all private 597 00:28:58,560 --> 00:29:00,720 and her story is being turned into a film called 598 00:29:00,720 --> 00:29:04,040 "Chuck Norris Versus Communism", hence that particular thing. 599 00:29:04,040 --> 00:29:05,360 - Yeah. - Wow. 600 00:29:05,360 --> 00:29:09,560 Anyway, when should you get out of bed and go to the lavatory? 601 00:29:10,840 --> 00:29:12,920 Yes? 602 00:29:12,920 --> 00:29:15,348 Before you go to the lavatory. 603 00:29:15,372 --> 00:29:16,720 Yes. 604 00:29:16,720 --> 00:29:19,040 That's right, it is obviously a lavatorial question, 605 00:29:19,040 --> 00:29:21,200 so you're right to spend your penny. 606 00:29:22,200 --> 00:29:23,720 Well done! 607 00:29:26,560 --> 00:29:30,320 So, er, yeah, Spend A Penny points are available. 608 00:29:30,320 --> 00:29:32,840 When should you get out of bed before you go to the lavatory? 609 00:29:32,840 --> 00:29:34,840 It seems a very strange question, doesn't it? 610 00:29:34,840 --> 00:29:36,520 - Well, every time, really! - Yeah! 611 00:29:36,520 --> 00:29:39,360 Now, we're going into the land of fairytales here, 612 00:29:39,360 --> 00:29:42,040 and it's one of the rather bizarre 1870 tellings 613 00:29:42,040 --> 00:29:45,720 of what was already by this time nearly 1,000 years old as a story, 614 00:29:45,720 --> 00:29:48,320 and that's the story of Little Red Riding Hood, 615 00:29:48,320 --> 00:29:50,320 and 1870, you think, is nice Victorians 616 00:29:50,320 --> 00:29:52,800 and there's a little Victorian girl in bed with the wolf. 617 00:29:52,800 --> 00:29:56,520 Now, this is how it goes, and please don't blame me, after she gets 618 00:29:56,520 --> 00:30:01,080 to the granny's house, the wolf asks her to perform a striptease. 619 00:30:01,080 --> 00:30:01,868 What?! 620 00:30:01,892 --> 00:30:05,560 And then, tells her to throw her clothes into the fire. 621 00:30:05,560 --> 00:30:10,640 Right? Once in bed, naked presumably, with the wolf, 622 00:30:10,640 --> 00:30:13,800 she realises that the wolf is not her grandmother. 623 00:30:13,800 --> 00:30:16,200 In front of whom she would be perfectly happy 624 00:30:16,200 --> 00:30:18,480 to do a striptease and burn her clothes! 625 00:30:18,480 --> 00:30:21,200 But when she was clothed, she would have realised? 626 00:30:21,200 --> 00:30:22,908 - But only... - Once in bed... 627 00:30:22,932 --> 00:30:24,480 - Once in bed! - ...she felt the fur. 628 00:30:24,480 --> 00:30:27,440 She knew her grandmother wasn't furry, yeah, so... 629 00:30:27,440 --> 00:30:30,520 So, to get away, she begs... 630 00:30:30,520 --> 00:30:33,160 ...she begs to be allowed to go to the lavatory. 631 00:30:33,160 --> 00:30:36,040 Right? This is in an 1870 version! I promise you, it's true. 632 00:30:36,040 --> 00:30:38,560 The wolf urges her just to have a dump in the bed. 633 00:30:40,040 --> 00:30:42,760 But she insists on going outside, then runs away, 634 00:30:42,760 --> 00:30:44,760 her life saved by her good manners. 635 00:30:44,760 --> 00:30:45,388 In the first... 636 00:30:45,412 --> 00:30:49,240 - It's not really la-di-da, though, is it? - No! 637 00:30:49,240 --> 00:30:50,188 It's a bit basic! 638 00:30:50,212 --> 00:30:52,840 "Oh, I see! Won't have a shit in the bed!" 639 00:30:56,720 --> 00:30:59,760 The first person to collect these fairytales, the best-known 640 00:30:59,760 --> 00:31:02,600 collector of them, was a Frenchman called... Do you know? 641 00:31:02,600 --> 00:31:05,200 The Mother Goose rhymes and other such things? 642 00:31:05,200 --> 00:31:08,760 Charles Perrault. And he collected the Little Red Riding Hood in which 643 00:31:08,760 --> 00:31:12,040 she falls asleep and nothing happens after she's fallen asleep, 644 00:31:12,040 --> 00:31:14,120 except she's eaten by the wolf. That's it. 645 00:31:14,120 --> 00:31:17,080 It's just a moral tale. Don't fall asleep in front of wolves. 646 00:31:17,080 --> 00:31:18,320 It's not very interesting. 647 00:31:18,320 --> 00:31:20,600 But early proto-versions are quite extraordinary. 648 00:31:20,600 --> 00:31:23,320 There's one in the 11th century, called The False Grandmother, 649 00:31:23,320 --> 00:31:26,600 where it's not a wolf, but an ogre who hangs up the grandmother's intestine, 650 00:31:26,600 --> 00:31:29,960 having eaten the grandmother, to use as a latch string on the door. 651 00:31:29,960 --> 00:31:33,960 When Little Red Riding Hood arrives, she eats granny's dismembered teeth 652 00:31:33,960 --> 00:31:36,760 and drinks her blood by accident, mistaking them for food. 653 00:31:36,760 --> 00:31:38,920 Mistaking it for food? 654 00:31:38,920 --> 00:31:41,920 For Granny's delicious Bloody Mary that she always has! 655 00:31:43,600 --> 00:31:46,120 But if you actually were to encounter a wolf in the wild, 656 00:31:46,120 --> 00:31:47,920 would that be a cause to run away? 657 00:31:47,920 --> 00:31:50,120 Oh, you're probably not... I mean, in general, 658 00:31:50,120 --> 00:31:53,440 the advice with wild animals is sort of terrifying, 659 00:31:53,440 --> 00:31:55,200 in that you're supposed, if you run away, 660 00:31:55,200 --> 00:31:57,920 that'll make them really angry and they can catch up with you, 661 00:31:57,920 --> 00:32:00,720 so you've got to make yourself look enormous but not threatening. 662 00:32:00,720 --> 00:32:03,800 Or you're meant to make a loud noise quietly or, you know... 663 00:32:05,200 --> 00:32:07,920 Make sure you get it right, that's the thing with each animal. 664 00:32:07,920 --> 00:32:11,400 "Definitely remember this pamphlet," is what they always say. 665 00:32:11,400 --> 00:32:13,840 In the case of the wolf, remember that it's a pack animal, 666 00:32:13,840 --> 00:32:17,000 so if you come across one, it's going to be the one that runs away. 667 00:32:17,000 --> 00:32:19,160 - Right. - It really is not going to attack you. 668 00:32:19,160 --> 00:32:20,520 And if it's a pack of wolves... 669 00:32:20,520 --> 00:32:22,920 If it's a pack of wolves, then really you've been warned 670 00:32:22,920 --> 00:32:26,280 by some severe howling and you're an idiot and you deserve to be eaten. 671 00:32:27,320 --> 00:32:30,320 I only hope you haven't passed your genes on and you win a Darwin Award. 672 00:32:30,320 --> 00:32:34,040 You could confuse... You could confuse the wolf and go to the toilet. 673 00:32:34,040 --> 00:32:36,560 - That's true! - And just see what it does. 674 00:32:36,560 --> 00:32:40,320 I'm sure there is one animal you're supposed to do a shit 675 00:32:40,320 --> 00:32:43,400 and that terrifies them, or makes a smell that confuses them... 676 00:32:43,400 --> 00:32:44,148 Yes! 677 00:32:44,172 --> 00:32:45,500 ...and it thinks you're their mother or something. 678 00:32:45,500 --> 00:32:48,948 The human animal, I think. If you're faced with a pack of humans 679 00:32:48,972 --> 00:32:51,760 and you do a shit, they will run away. 680 00:32:51,760 --> 00:32:54,200 - A very good way of keeping... - Yes. 681 00:32:55,520 --> 00:32:58,720 That's... That's... That's what I found anyway. 682 00:32:58,720 --> 00:33:01,188 It's a very good way of keeping a double seat on a coach. 683 00:33:01,212 --> 00:33:02,760 Yes. 684 00:33:02,760 --> 00:33:06,360 Another children's story that originally was pretty dark was 685 00:33:06,360 --> 00:33:10,120 written by, see if this will help you, Carlo Collodi. Does that help? 686 00:33:10,120 --> 00:33:12,960 Someone in the audience wanting to shout out again? Go on, then. 687 00:33:12,960 --> 00:33:15,160 - Pinocchio? - Pinocchio is the right answer. 688 00:33:15,160 --> 00:33:17,720 And in the original story, the first version, 689 00:33:17,720 --> 00:33:20,480 he kills Jiminy Cricket with a hammer. Who can blame him? 690 00:33:21,480 --> 00:33:23,828 Wouldn't you want to kill your conscience with a hammer? 691 00:33:23,852 --> 00:33:25,400 - Absolutely. - Yeah. 692 00:33:25,400 --> 00:33:28,240 Later, he's robbed and beaten and has his legs burnt off 693 00:33:28,240 --> 00:33:31,720 and eventually hanged by a cat and a fox for being smug. 694 00:33:31,720 --> 00:33:33,840 Um... That's me in trouble. 695 00:33:33,840 --> 00:33:37,040 In Cinderella, they cut their feet off, don't they? The ugly sisters 696 00:33:37,040 --> 00:33:39,500 cut their feet off to get their stumps in the slipper or something? 697 00:33:39,500 --> 00:33:40,500 Yes, that's right. They did. 698 00:33:40,500 --> 00:33:43,720 Yeah! All these stories are pretty grim, they are. 699 00:33:43,720 --> 00:33:47,480 Grimm literally, of course, um... Let's see how good your history is. 700 00:33:47,480 --> 00:33:50,880 Who can you see here? Let's have a look. 701 00:33:50,880 --> 00:33:53,240 It was filmed in 1902. 702 00:33:53,240 --> 00:33:56,640 Who is the august gentleman in the beard? 703 00:33:56,640 --> 00:33:58,080 George V? 704 00:34:00,720 --> 00:34:03,760 No, isn't it, it looks... It's Edward VII. 705 00:34:03,760 --> 00:34:07,080 It looks exactly like Edward VII. On the other hand, it isn't. 706 00:34:11,480 --> 00:34:13,468 - It's NOT Edward VII?! - No. 707 00:34:13,492 --> 00:34:14,000 It looks... 708 00:34:14,000 --> 00:34:16,300 - I know, it looks so like him. - It's Father Christmas. 709 00:34:16,300 --> 00:34:21,000 And it took place in 1902, which was the year of Edward VII's coronation. 710 00:34:21,000 --> 00:34:25,600 You could have played a Spend A Penny bonus, but I'll let you 711 00:34:25,600 --> 00:34:29,640 get extra points if you can spot the lavatory attendant in this? 712 00:34:31,080 --> 00:34:33,840 Is he going to the lavatory in the film? 713 00:34:35,240 --> 00:34:37,520 It's the man sitting down in the throne. 714 00:34:37,520 --> 00:34:40,840 The man you thought was Edward VII is in fact a lavatory attendant. 715 00:34:40,840 --> 00:34:42,920 He doesn't look so much like Edward VII now. 716 00:34:42,920 --> 00:34:45,200 - No, that's because he's in profile now. - Ah, I see. 717 00:34:45,200 --> 00:34:46,868 He did look a bit like him full-on. 718 00:34:46,892 --> 00:34:48,400 It's not HD either, is it? 719 00:34:48,400 --> 00:34:51,640 No, it's not HD. It's the early days of cinema and the early days of cinema were 720 00:34:51,640 --> 00:34:54,240 dominated by one nation more than any other, really. 721 00:34:54,240 --> 00:34:55,428 - And they were? - France. 722 00:34:55,452 --> 00:34:59,920 The French, yes, exactly. And in 1902, a French film-maker called George Melies, 723 00:34:59,920 --> 00:35:02,400 decided to film the coronation, but he wasn't allowed 724 00:35:02,400 --> 00:35:04,360 in Westminster Abbey, as soon as they heard 725 00:35:04,360 --> 00:35:06,880 how loud the film camera was when it was being cranked. 726 00:35:06,880 --> 00:35:08,500 So, they said, "We will have none of that nonsense here." 727 00:35:08,500 --> 00:35:13,240 So he decided to restage it, in France, and in a studio. 728 00:35:13,240 --> 00:35:15,120 And he found this lavatory attendant, 729 00:35:15,120 --> 00:35:18,360 who had a nice beard, who was the right size, 730 00:35:18,360 --> 00:35:21,680 big adipose deposit, a tubby chap, in other words. 731 00:35:21,680 --> 00:35:24,320 And he, basically, went through all the, you know, 732 00:35:24,320 --> 00:35:26,840 elements of the coronation as happened. 733 00:35:26,840 --> 00:35:30,080 And so it was the first filmed simulacrum of a coronation, 734 00:35:30,080 --> 00:35:31,920 but it wasn't the real thing. 735 00:35:31,920 --> 00:35:35,400 In fact, Edward was ill for the real day, so he was able then to go to England 736 00:35:35,400 --> 00:35:38,720 and film the carriages arriving and cut that into the footage. 737 00:35:38,720 --> 00:35:41,400 And so that was the only real part, the rest of it was made up. 738 00:35:41,400 --> 00:35:43,360 - And it put... - What was the catering like? 739 00:35:43,360 --> 00:35:45,500 Probably wonderful, if it was French, I should imagine. 740 00:35:45,500 --> 00:35:48,828 The film put to light the awkward fact that, in real life, the queen, 741 00:35:48,852 --> 00:35:51,580 Queen Alexandra, was quite a bit taller than Edward. 742 00:35:51,580 --> 00:35:53,300 That picture hides it as well, 743 00:35:53,300 --> 00:35:56,740 and it also shows bits of the coronation that didn't happen, 744 00:35:56,740 --> 00:35:59,228 because some bits were omitted because the king had been rather ill. 745 00:35:59,252 --> 00:36:00,140 Which is why he was late. 746 00:36:00,140 --> 00:36:02,940 What else? Oh, yes. The film went more smoothly than the real thing. 747 00:36:02,940 --> 00:36:05,500 In the actual ceremony the very elderly and almost blind 748 00:36:05,500 --> 00:36:08,140 Archbishop of Canterbury put the crown on backwards. 749 00:36:08,700 --> 00:36:11,500 - He then couldn't get up. - He shouldn't put it on at all. 750 00:36:11,500 --> 00:36:12,500 No! 751 00:36:15,340 --> 00:36:17,700 - He was larking about. - Yeah. 752 00:36:17,700 --> 00:36:20,500 He also had to kneel down to swear fealty to the King 753 00:36:20,500 --> 00:36:21,988 and then he couldn't get up again. 754 00:36:22,500 --> 00:36:24,548 So the King had to help him up. 755 00:36:24,572 --> 00:36:26,228 Well, that's what royalty should be, 756 00:36:26,252 --> 00:36:28,908 a blind Archbishop of Canterbury and a great big fat king 757 00:36:28,932 --> 00:36:31,348 who keeps getting terrible constipation 758 00:36:31,372 --> 00:36:33,696 and being unable to turn up at his own coronation. 759 00:36:33,720 --> 00:36:37,240 Exactly. But the film, you'll be pleased to know, was a huge success. 760 00:36:38,240 --> 00:36:39,880 It briefly made that lavatory attendant one of the most 761 00:36:39,880 --> 00:36:41,920 famous film stars in the world. 762 00:36:41,920 --> 00:36:45,240 In 1902 there weren't many to compare him with, but he was huge. 763 00:36:45,240 --> 00:36:47,708 He was one of the biggest film star of the world. 764 00:36:47,732 --> 00:36:48,840 Yeah, exactly. 765 00:36:48,840 --> 00:36:51,960 And the King saw it when it came out, and he enjoyed it hugely, apparently. 766 00:36:51,960 --> 00:36:55,000 According to a letter sent to us by Pauline Melies, 767 00:36:55,000 --> 00:36:57,920 who is the great-great-granddaughter of the film maker. 768 00:36:57,920 --> 00:37:00,280 Thank you, Pauline, for sending us that. 769 00:37:00,280 --> 00:37:01,588 Do you think Edward thought it was real? 770 00:37:01,612 --> 00:37:04,160 He lookt at it and said, "I think I've lost weight." 771 00:37:04,160 --> 00:37:05,320 Possibly. Possibly. 772 00:37:05,320 --> 00:37:07,840 So, in the film, The Coronation Of Edward VII, 773 00:37:07,840 --> 00:37:10,000 the man on the throne is a lavatory attendant. 774 00:37:10,000 --> 00:37:11,948 Now it's time for a bit of General Ignorance, 775 00:37:11,972 --> 00:37:13,360 so fingers on buzzers, please. 776 00:37:13,360 --> 00:37:15,160 Where is the Duchy of Cornwall? 777 00:37:15,500 --> 00:37:16,500 Yes? 778 00:37:18,000 --> 00:37:19,400 Devon? 779 00:37:19,600 --> 00:37:20,500 You're right. 780 00:37:20,500 --> 00:37:21,760 - Is it? - That's to say... 781 00:37:28,720 --> 00:37:31,200 That is to say, more of it is in Devon than is in Cornwall. 782 00:37:31,200 --> 00:37:33,148 It's mainly in Waitrose now. 783 00:37:33,172 --> 00:37:34,800 Yes, you're quite right. 784 00:37:34,800 --> 00:37:39,520 You know, in terms of value, one packet of those biscuits would buy you a farmhouse. 785 00:37:41,120 --> 00:37:43,800 Somebody from Australia, what's a duchy? 786 00:37:43,800 --> 00:37:46,760 Is it something you'd pass to the left-hand side, or...? 787 00:37:47,500 --> 00:37:49,440 A duchy is just another word for a dukedom. 788 00:37:49,440 --> 00:37:51,828 One of the titles that was given to the Prince of Wales 789 00:37:51,852 --> 00:37:54,520 when he was invested as Prince of Wales, in 1973, 790 00:37:54,520 --> 00:37:56,440 was the Duke of Cornwall, which is typical. 791 00:37:56,440 --> 00:37:58,280 There he was getting invested. 792 00:37:58,280 --> 00:37:59,708 That's the Cornish flag. 793 00:37:59,732 --> 00:38:00,640 And that's the Cornish flag. 794 00:38:00,640 --> 00:38:03,348 And that's pretty much all that can be said on that subject, I think, 795 00:38:03,372 --> 00:38:04,560 but you got it right. 796 00:38:04,560 --> 00:38:06,800 Now, what does a cowboy call his rope? 797 00:38:09,160 --> 00:38:10,760 A lasso. 798 00:38:10,760 --> 00:38:12,880 Oh, what a shame! 799 00:38:16,320 --> 00:38:20,320 - Does he call it a rope? - He does. You're on fire! 800 00:38:20,320 --> 00:38:21,360 - Come on! - Yeah. 801 00:38:26,680 --> 00:38:29,440 Lassos and lariats and so on, if you used that word, it would be a 802 00:38:29,440 --> 00:38:31,880 dead giveaway that you are, you know, like Billy Crystal, 803 00:38:31,880 --> 00:38:33,880 a city slicker in the world of the Wild West. 804 00:38:33,880 --> 00:38:35,708 They weren't invented in the Wild West, of course, 805 00:38:35,732 --> 00:38:37,720 obviously they'd been used before. 806 00:38:37,720 --> 00:38:40,960 Ancient Egyptians used them to capture antelopes and wild oxen. 807 00:38:40,960 --> 00:38:43,680 However, they didn't use horses, the ancient Egyptians. 808 00:38:43,680 --> 00:38:46,500 Oh, look at that, they're catching a hippo with one. That's very impressive. 809 00:38:46,500 --> 00:38:50,048 - Hippos are nasty, aren't they? - Oh, gosh, yes. 810 00:38:50,072 --> 00:38:53,240 They kill lots of people, even though they're vegetarians. 811 00:38:53,240 --> 00:38:56,000 Yeah. Usually by attacking boats and things like that. 812 00:38:56,000 --> 00:39:00,000 But NASA is planning to use a lasso to capture what, would you imagine? 813 00:39:00,000 --> 00:39:03,920 Stuff in space that's flying around dangerously, a bit like in Gravity? 814 00:39:03,920 --> 00:39:06,280 Well, it's not dangerous stuff, it's an asteroid, 815 00:39:06,280 --> 00:39:08,308 it plans to lasso an asteroid, would you believe. 816 00:39:08,332 --> 00:39:10,500 - Oh, God! - And drag it into orbit around the moon. 817 00:39:10,500 --> 00:39:13,160 - Why are all their ideas so ridiculous?! - I know. 818 00:39:13,160 --> 00:39:15,388 They're going to choose a small one, it's only about seven metres across. 819 00:39:15,412 --> 00:39:16,360 So, it shouldn't be too difficult. 820 00:39:16,360 --> 00:39:18,588 A specific type which would break up harmlessly 821 00:39:18,612 --> 00:39:20,280 in the Earth's atmosphere, in case it... 822 00:39:20,280 --> 00:39:23,560 I think they should send Sandra Bullock to do it. 823 00:39:23,560 --> 00:39:25,760 Which wonderful country is that there? 824 00:39:25,760 --> 00:39:27,139 Yes, look at it. 825 00:39:28,500 --> 00:39:29,500 Hi. 826 00:39:29,560 --> 00:39:31,040 It's about to be obliterated. 827 00:39:34,320 --> 00:39:35,680 You'd better stay here, 'Col. 828 00:39:35,680 --> 00:39:38,120 You can buy wonderful globes in Australia, can't you, 829 00:39:38,120 --> 00:39:41,000 where it's upside-down, because there's no reason to suppose 830 00:39:41,000 --> 00:39:42,440 that's the Earth the right way up. 831 00:39:42,440 --> 00:39:45,480 You know, a spaceship approaching Earth could easily see Australia at the top. 832 00:39:45,480 --> 00:39:49,160 Which company makes the most tyres in the world? 833 00:39:50,480 --> 00:39:51,800 Goodyear. 834 00:39:52,824 --> 00:39:54,828 I had a very good year, thank you. 835 00:39:54,852 --> 00:39:56,920 But no, no, not Goodyear. 836 00:39:56,944 --> 00:40:00,548 Harry Hill used to do that joke. So who used to play Bet Lynch in...? 837 00:40:00,572 --> 00:40:03,080 What's the character, Julie...? 838 00:40:03,080 --> 00:40:04,708 - Julie. - Julie, um... 839 00:40:04,732 --> 00:40:08,240 - Goodyear. - Yeah, not bad, thanks. 840 00:40:08,240 --> 00:40:11,080 It's like the... Who was that Austrian racing driver Niki, Niki? 841 00:40:11,080 --> 00:40:12,560 Lauda. 842 00:40:12,560 --> 00:40:13,880 WHO WAS THAT AUSTRIAN...? 843 00:40:16,760 --> 00:40:22,320 Did you know that that actress was stabbed, sad story, 844 00:40:22,320 --> 00:40:25,816 that actress who was stabbed, she was in Legally Blonde, Reese? 845 00:40:25,840 --> 00:40:26,640 Witherspoon? 846 00:40:26,640 --> 00:40:27,840 No, with a knife. 847 00:40:27,840 --> 00:40:28,960 Hey! 848 00:40:30,960 --> 00:40:32,920 Who's that actress who was in Friends? 849 00:40:32,920 --> 00:40:35,080 Courteney, Courteney...? What was her name? 850 00:40:35,080 --> 00:40:36,300 Cox. 851 00:40:36,300 --> 00:40:39,560 Caught any cock? No, not lately, you're supposed to say. 852 00:40:39,560 --> 00:40:43,560 No, silly. Silly, silly, silly, silly, silly. Sorry. 853 00:40:43,560 --> 00:40:45,760 - A good one to finish on. - Yeah, a very good one. 854 00:40:45,760 --> 00:40:48,280 So who makes the most tyres in the world? It's not Goodyear. 855 00:40:48,280 --> 00:40:49,868 - A major tyre manufacturer? - Dunlop? 856 00:40:49,892 --> 00:40:51,480 Yes. It's not Dunlop. 857 00:40:51,480 --> 00:40:54,000 Hankook? Hankook? 858 00:40:55,000 --> 00:40:56,440 - Firestone. - Firestone. No, not Firestone. 859 00:40:59,440 --> 00:41:00,028 Pirelli. 860 00:41:00,052 --> 00:41:00,880 If we get the right one, do we get points? 861 00:41:00,880 --> 00:41:01,668 Yes, you'll get... 862 00:41:01,692 --> 00:41:05,520 - Pirelli? - Not Pirelli, no. 863 00:41:05,520 --> 00:41:07,800 - Tyres, you know... - Continental? 864 00:41:07,800 --> 00:41:09,440 - Lego! - Lego! 865 00:41:09,440 --> 00:41:11,240 Oh, audience gets the answer. 866 00:41:11,240 --> 00:41:13,360 - It's Lego. - Lego. Very good. 867 00:41:13,360 --> 00:41:14,760 Very good, aren't they? 868 00:41:18,840 --> 00:41:21,668 It sort of depends how you define a tyre, doesn't it? 869 00:41:21,692 --> 00:41:22,760 It does. 870 00:41:22,760 --> 00:41:25,360 They're not pneumatic, it must be said, but then tyres, 871 00:41:25,360 --> 00:41:29,560 there were tyres before pneumatic tyres. 872 00:41:29,560 --> 00:41:32,640 Well, there you are, on that interesting Lego note, 873 00:41:32,640 --> 00:41:33,840 that's all for tonight. 874 00:41:33,840 --> 00:41:36,520 Leaving only the little matter of the scores. 875 00:41:36,520 --> 00:41:38,600 How interesting they are. 876 00:41:38,600 --> 00:41:43,068 I'm afraid to say, in a rather convincing last place, with minus 48, 877 00:41:43,092 --> 00:41:45,120 it's David Mitchell. 878 00:41:50,500 --> 00:41:51,500 And a full... 879 00:41:51,500 --> 00:41:53,708 A full 30 points ahead, with minus 18, 880 00:41:53,732 --> 00:41:54,560 Jo Brand. 881 00:41:59,840 --> 00:42:02,628 Most impressively, skating on nil points, 882 00:42:02,652 --> 00:42:03,640 Alan Davies! 883 00:42:05,664 --> 00:42:06,664 Thank you. 884 00:42:15,360 --> 00:42:17,680 Say what you like about them... 885 00:42:23,560 --> 00:42:25,360 Every cliche proven. 886 00:42:25,360 --> 00:42:32,000 Bad losers, bad winners, graceless, but unquestionably 887 00:42:32,000 --> 00:42:33,680 nearly always victorious, 888 00:42:33,680 --> 00:42:37,040 - our winner, Colin Lane with two points. - Yes! 889 00:42:43,720 --> 00:42:46,440 So, it's goodnight from Colin, David, Jo, Alan and me. 890 00:42:46,440 --> 00:42:51,520 And I leave you with the last words of British politician Henry Fox. 891 00:42:51,520 --> 00:42:55,040 "If Mr Selwyn calls again, show him up." 892 00:42:55,040 --> 00:42:57,800 "If I am alive, I shall be delighted to see him." 893 00:42:57,800 --> 00:43:00,600 "And if I am dead, he would be delighted to see ME." 894 00:43:00,600 --> 00:43:02,000 Goodnight. 894 00:43:03,305 --> 00:44:03,886