Marc Maron: Panicked

1 00:00:06,000 --> 00:00:12,074 Watch Online Movies and Series for FREE www.osdb.link/lm 2 00:00:25,608 --> 00:00:27,402 Thank you. 3 00:00:28,987 --> 00:00:32,991 Thank you. Thank you. 4 00:00:34,200 --> 00:00:36,202 Thank you. 5 00:00:38,163 --> 00:00:42,708 So, uh, I'm great. Um... 6 00:00:42,709 --> 00:00:44,418 everything is great. 7 00:00:44,419 --> 00:00:47,254 You know, I was a skeptic at first 8 00:00:47,255 --> 00:00:51,341 when he said he was gonna make everything great again, 9 00:00:51,342 --> 00:00:54,303 but, wow, I had no idea just how great it was gonna be. 10 00:00:54,304 --> 00:00:58,892 I mean, every day it's like, how much greater can this get? 11 00:01:01,144 --> 00:01:04,021 It's just gonna keep getting greater 12 00:01:04,022 --> 00:01:07,733 with this sociopathic huckster 13 00:01:07,734 --> 00:01:10,778 clown king and his buddies, 14 00:01:10,779 --> 00:01:15,365 the autistic billionaire techno fascist. 15 00:01:15,366 --> 00:01:16,533 And somehow or another, 16 00:01:16,534 --> 00:01:18,744 he managed to find an actual Jewish Nazi 17 00:01:18,745 --> 00:01:21,081 for deputy chief of staff. 18 00:01:23,041 --> 00:01:25,919 Guy's really got an eye for talent. 19 00:01:29,964 --> 00:01:31,131 And his supporters. 20 00:01:31,132 --> 00:01:33,592 I mean, just this army of shills 21 00:01:33,593 --> 00:01:38,013 and stooges and grifters, collaborators, 22 00:01:38,014 --> 00:01:42,060 unfuckable hate nerds. 23 00:01:44,604 --> 00:01:48,107 White nationalists, crypto dorks, 24 00:01:48,108 --> 00:01:51,568 wackjob Christian fascists. 25 00:01:51,569 --> 00:01:53,445 Yeah, you know, and then there's just about, 26 00:01:53,446 --> 00:01:55,948 like, 50 million people who decided, 27 00:01:55,949 --> 00:02:00,077 I just like the guy! 28 00:02:00,078 --> 00:02:01,995 And I actually hate them more than the rest of them, 29 00:02:01,996 --> 00:02:03,832 to be honest with you. 30 00:02:11,464 --> 00:02:14,258 I don't like the single issue Republican voters either, 31 00:02:14,259 --> 00:02:15,551 you know, 'cause I figure 32 00:02:15,552 --> 00:02:18,054 in for a penny, in for a reichsmark, you know? 33 00:02:23,476 --> 00:02:26,019 And I have peers, you know, people in my business 34 00:02:26,020 --> 00:02:29,022 who were single issue Republican voters, 35 00:02:29,023 --> 00:02:31,400 and their issue was, you know, twofold. 36 00:02:31,401 --> 00:02:33,402 I mean, they were anti-woke, you know, 37 00:02:33,403 --> 00:02:35,529 against any policy or language 38 00:02:35,530 --> 00:02:37,281 that could help the vulnerable get a leg up, 39 00:02:37,282 --> 00:02:39,074 and God knows that makes sense. 40 00:02:39,075 --> 00:02:42,494 So but they also were very worried 41 00:02:42,495 --> 00:02:43,579 about their free speech. 42 00:02:43,580 --> 00:02:45,122 They didn't want their free speech to be 43 00:02:45,123 --> 00:02:48,792 infringed upon, which it never was. 44 00:02:48,793 --> 00:02:49,918 I mean, they'd say things, 45 00:02:49,919 --> 00:02:51,670 and there'd be cultural pushback, 46 00:02:51,671 --> 00:02:54,757 and they were like, "That shouldn't be allowed." 47 00:02:56,759 --> 00:02:58,594 But, ultimately, all they really wanted 48 00:02:58,595 --> 00:03:01,096 was to be able to say the R word with impunity. 49 00:03:01,097 --> 00:03:04,641 That was why they voted. 50 00:03:04,642 --> 00:03:06,602 But along with that, you know, comes the collapse 51 00:03:06,603 --> 00:03:08,937 of the federal government, the destabilization 52 00:03:08,938 --> 00:03:10,939 of the global economy, tens of thousands 53 00:03:10,940 --> 00:03:12,733 of people being deported to places 54 00:03:12,734 --> 00:03:14,109 they might not have even come from, 55 00:03:14,110 --> 00:03:16,028 the actual suppression of speech 56 00:03:16,029 --> 00:03:18,780 and rights of LGBTQ people and women, 57 00:03:18,781 --> 00:03:20,574 and the rise of authoritarianism, 58 00:03:20,575 --> 00:03:22,242 and sometimes I feel like asking them, 59 00:03:22,243 --> 00:03:24,537 "Was it worth it, you fucking retard?" 60 00:03:35,381 --> 00:03:36,465 And I guess some of them would be like, 61 00:03:36,466 --> 00:03:38,300 "Yeah, it was, 'cause now on our podcast, 62 00:03:38,301 --> 00:03:41,679 we can bravely speak power to truth." 63 00:03:45,642 --> 00:03:48,645 Now that truth can no longer defend itself. 64 00:03:50,605 --> 00:03:55,108 We have to deal with the shittiest Kennedy. 65 00:03:55,109 --> 00:03:57,611 I mean, arguably, 66 00:03:57,612 --> 00:03:58,946 all the Kennedys have been flawed, 67 00:03:58,947 --> 00:04:02,659 but this guy is definitely the shittiest Kennedy. 68 00:04:04,953 --> 00:04:06,662 And now we're gonna hear questions 69 00:04:06,663 --> 00:04:09,539 we haven't heard in a long time like, 70 00:04:09,540 --> 00:04:12,043 "Oh, shit, bro, you got polio?" 71 00:04:14,420 --> 00:04:16,964 That sucks, dog. 72 00:04:16,965 --> 00:04:20,968 Well, you know Tesla is making an iron lung now. 73 00:04:20,969 --> 00:04:22,261 They're a little clunky looking, 74 00:04:22,262 --> 00:04:24,137 but they're bulletproof, 75 00:04:24,138 --> 00:04:25,764 and they come with a trailer hitch 76 00:04:25,765 --> 00:04:27,850 so you can still go out with us. 77 00:04:31,145 --> 00:04:34,732 'Cause we're not wearing masks in the car, dog. 78 00:04:37,277 --> 00:04:38,902 Other questions we'll probably hear. 79 00:04:38,903 --> 00:04:41,947 Maybe something like, "Hey, how was Paris?" 80 00:04:41,948 --> 00:04:46,868 I don't know, I think it was better before it was Russia. 81 00:04:46,869 --> 00:04:49,747 Really long baguette lines. 82 00:05:03,094 --> 00:05:05,512 And look, I don't know what to do really. 83 00:05:05,513 --> 00:05:06,930 I have no solutions, 84 00:05:06,931 --> 00:05:08,515 but, I mean, so much is happening, 85 00:05:08,516 --> 00:05:10,392 it's hard to even know what to protest against. 86 00:05:10,393 --> 00:05:12,060 I guess you could just make a sign 87 00:05:12,061 --> 00:05:17,441 that says, "Please just stop. This is crazy." 88 00:05:17,442 --> 00:05:20,110 And maybe you can bold, like, stop and crazy 89 00:05:20,111 --> 00:05:22,112 and then do your little artwork around it. 90 00:05:22,113 --> 00:05:25,324 You know, make it your own. It'll work. 91 00:05:25,325 --> 00:05:26,533 I don't know what to do. 92 00:05:26,534 --> 00:05:27,993 I've asked people, you know, "What should we do?" 93 00:05:27,994 --> 00:05:30,620 And I had a friend of mine say, "Well, you just have to be 94 00:05:30,621 --> 00:05:32,664 "a decent person, 95 00:05:32,665 --> 00:05:35,083 "treat other people with respect, 96 00:05:35,084 --> 00:05:38,420 and live your life with purpose and meaning." 97 00:05:38,421 --> 00:05:42,966 And then I'm like, "No, fuck, uh..." 98 00:05:42,967 --> 00:05:45,510 What gives my life meaning? 99 00:05:45,511 --> 00:05:48,431 Well, I guess errands. You know, errands. 100 00:05:50,600 --> 00:05:53,060 Like, if I got a few good errands a day, 101 00:05:53,061 --> 00:05:56,022 I'm pretty good with the purpose and meaning. 102 00:05:58,775 --> 00:06:00,484 Some people are boycotting Target. 103 00:06:00,485 --> 00:06:03,820 They're boycotting Tesla. They're boycotting Amazon. 104 00:06:03,821 --> 00:06:05,989 Yeah, good luck with that one. 105 00:06:05,990 --> 00:06:09,326 Try to run an errand if you're boycotting Amazon. 106 00:06:09,327 --> 00:06:11,203 Out there in the brick and mortar world, 107 00:06:11,204 --> 00:06:13,205 that could take weeks. 108 00:06:13,206 --> 00:06:14,831 You might have to go all the way to China 109 00:06:14,832 --> 00:06:16,542 for your air fryer. 110 00:06:18,961 --> 00:06:20,712 I was out there in that world, 111 00:06:20,713 --> 00:06:24,007 and I decided to go out and, you know, buy a vacuum, 112 00:06:24,008 --> 00:06:27,677 you know, with purpose and meaning. 113 00:06:27,678 --> 00:06:29,304 I bought one, and I brought it home, 114 00:06:29,305 --> 00:06:30,847 and I just-- right on the side of it, 115 00:06:30,848 --> 00:06:33,935 I etched, "This vacuum kills fascists." 116 00:06:38,022 --> 00:06:40,482 So I'm doing my part. 117 00:06:40,483 --> 00:06:42,192 I think some of you didn't get that reference, 118 00:06:42,193 --> 00:06:43,568 and also some of you are probably 119 00:06:43,569 --> 00:06:45,737 kind of still not over the fact that 120 00:06:45,738 --> 00:06:47,824 I actually said the R word. 121 00:06:50,618 --> 00:06:51,827 I know my audience. 122 00:06:51,828 --> 00:06:55,957 I'll get, like, probably two emails tomorrow. 123 00:06:57,834 --> 00:07:01,670 I know you think it's OK to say that word in satire, 124 00:07:01,671 --> 00:07:03,171 but it's still a hurtful word. 125 00:07:03,172 --> 00:07:05,966 Yeah, I get it. I understand. 126 00:07:05,967 --> 00:07:08,260 Progressives have really got to figure out how to deal 127 00:07:08,261 --> 00:07:10,972 with this buzzkill problem. 128 00:07:14,183 --> 00:07:16,560 I know these are important issues, 129 00:07:16,561 --> 00:07:18,687 but you do realize we annoyed 130 00:07:18,688 --> 00:07:20,689 the average American into fascism. 131 00:07:20,690 --> 00:07:24,277 You do realize that. 132 00:07:31,701 --> 00:07:34,579 No one can ruin a barbecue quicker than a liberal. 133 00:07:41,252 --> 00:07:42,836 So you want something from the grill? 134 00:07:42,837 --> 00:07:44,922 What about the genocide? 135 00:07:47,091 --> 00:07:48,508 Well, this cookout is a benefit 136 00:07:48,509 --> 00:07:49,885 for the victims of the genocide. 137 00:07:49,886 --> 00:07:52,262 OK, do you have veggie burgers? 138 00:07:52,263 --> 00:07:54,764 No, we don't. 139 00:07:54,765 --> 00:07:56,725 Do you want a hamburger? I can't eat murder. 140 00:07:56,726 --> 00:08:00,395 OK, so go over to the salad table, 141 00:08:00,396 --> 00:08:02,482 have some hummus. 142 00:08:07,528 --> 00:08:08,820 I don't know. It's hard to-- 143 00:08:08,821 --> 00:08:10,489 it's interesting, 144 00:08:10,490 --> 00:08:11,948 though, about, you know, 145 00:08:11,949 --> 00:08:13,909 being lefty or progressive or whatever. 146 00:08:13,910 --> 00:08:15,160 You know, we're all good people, 147 00:08:15,161 --> 00:08:17,454 and we lock into these things. There's no real unity. 148 00:08:17,455 --> 00:08:19,664 There's never been an actual American left 149 00:08:19,665 --> 00:08:21,875 that functioned in a unified way. 150 00:08:21,876 --> 00:08:23,793 You just lock into these little issues 151 00:08:23,794 --> 00:08:25,921 that you put your whole life into, 152 00:08:25,922 --> 00:08:29,466 and it makes you feel better, and it's not nothing. 153 00:08:29,467 --> 00:08:31,301 You know, it's proactive. I'm not saying it isn't. 154 00:08:31,302 --> 00:08:36,640 But I--look, I know what the sort of liberal conundrum is. 155 00:08:36,641 --> 00:08:39,351 'Cause, OK, so recently 156 00:08:39,352 --> 00:08:43,063 I started using this soy milk. OK? 157 00:08:43,064 --> 00:08:46,024 And it's kind of retro, you know, soy milk, 158 00:08:46,025 --> 00:08:47,692 but, you know, I'm plant-based now, 159 00:08:47,693 --> 00:08:49,236 and, you know, I need it for protein. 160 00:08:49,237 --> 00:08:51,696 So I locked into some old-school soy milk, 161 00:08:51,697 --> 00:08:54,032 you know, the Edensoy in the box. 162 00:08:54,033 --> 00:08:57,744 And I was so excited about, you know, getting that stuff. 163 00:08:57,745 --> 00:08:59,496 I'm like, "It's well-sourced." I'm very-- 164 00:08:59,497 --> 00:09:01,790 I'm enjoying Edensoy soy milk. 165 00:09:01,791 --> 00:09:03,416 And I talk about this on the show, 166 00:09:03,417 --> 00:09:06,294 and the next day, you know, of course, I get an email, 167 00:09:06,295 --> 00:09:10,882 and it says, "You might want to rethink Edensoy." 168 00:09:10,883 --> 00:09:15,554 And there's a link, and that can go anywhere. 169 00:09:15,555 --> 00:09:18,014 A link on an--you know, from an email you don't know, 170 00:09:18,015 --> 00:09:21,017 that could either bankrupt you or you lose your identity, 171 00:09:21,018 --> 00:09:22,519 or you could go down a rabbit hole 172 00:09:22,520 --> 00:09:24,563 that will make you crazy for the rest of your life. 173 00:09:24,564 --> 00:09:27,650 But I'm like-- I fucking opened it, so... 174 00:09:30,987 --> 00:09:32,279 So I opened it, and there was an article 175 00:09:32,280 --> 00:09:34,906 and it basically says that, you know, Edensoy, 176 00:09:34,907 --> 00:09:36,366 you know, it's an old company. 177 00:09:36,367 --> 00:09:39,119 It's a well-sourced company, but they're kind of religious. 178 00:09:39,120 --> 00:09:40,453 They're pro-life. 179 00:09:40,454 --> 00:09:41,830 So now I'm in that situation where 180 00:09:41,831 --> 00:09:44,457 it's sort of the liberal conundrum of, 181 00:09:44,458 --> 00:09:46,209 like, oh, fuck. 182 00:09:46,210 --> 00:09:49,963 You know, like, I really like this stuff, you know? 183 00:09:49,964 --> 00:09:52,549 And then you kind of keep going with it like, 184 00:09:52,550 --> 00:09:55,051 "Well, is it really gonna make a difference 185 00:09:55,052 --> 00:09:58,221 if I don't use it?" You know? 186 00:09:58,222 --> 00:09:59,848 And that went on for a few hours, 187 00:09:59,849 --> 00:10:02,183 but, uh-- 188 00:10:02,184 --> 00:10:06,521 but I'm still using it. 189 00:10:06,522 --> 00:10:10,150 But I don't enjoy it anymore, 190 00:10:10,151 --> 00:10:15,948 and I think that's really a progressive victory. 191 00:10:19,243 --> 00:10:20,994 And, look, I know, you know, we're, you know, 192 00:10:20,995 --> 00:10:25,248 sensitive and angry people and a bit self-righteous. 193 00:10:25,249 --> 00:10:28,335 We're flawed. We're frankly broken. 194 00:10:28,336 --> 00:10:30,712 And-- 195 00:10:30,713 --> 00:10:32,714 but we broke left, you know? 196 00:10:32,715 --> 00:10:36,092 So at least we're not hateful douchebags. 197 00:10:36,093 --> 00:10:38,637 It's a room full of empathy whores. 198 00:10:38,638 --> 00:10:41,514 You know? Like, can I help? 199 00:10:41,515 --> 00:10:42,891 Is there anything I can do to help? 200 00:10:42,892 --> 00:10:44,768 No, we're good. But I want to help. 201 00:10:44,769 --> 00:10:46,854 Just let me help. 202 00:10:50,024 --> 00:10:51,816 I have other issues. We all have issues. 203 00:10:51,817 --> 00:10:54,402 And, you know, I have, you know, mental things, 204 00:10:54,403 --> 00:10:56,029 problems that I should deal with, 205 00:10:56,030 --> 00:10:57,697 and I don't know really what to deal with. 206 00:10:57,698 --> 00:11:00,116 'Cause, people, my brain's just going all the time, 207 00:11:00,117 --> 00:11:01,910 and people say, "Well, you have to rest your mind." 208 00:11:01,911 --> 00:11:04,704 And I'm like, "I don't even understand what you just said. 209 00:11:04,705 --> 00:11:06,498 I don't even know what that means." 210 00:11:06,499 --> 00:11:08,917 If my brain rests for even three seconds, 211 00:11:08,918 --> 00:11:10,126 some other part of my brain goes, 212 00:11:10,127 --> 00:11:13,296 "You want me to open the worry folder? 213 00:11:13,297 --> 00:11:15,799 "Got a big list here. Let's do it. 214 00:11:15,800 --> 00:11:18,760 What do you want to think about all day long?" 215 00:11:18,761 --> 00:11:20,720 I have intrusive catastrophic thinking. 216 00:11:20,721 --> 00:11:22,138 That's my problem. 217 00:11:22,139 --> 00:11:23,139 But I'm not sure it's a problem. 218 00:11:23,140 --> 00:11:24,516 I'm not sure it's not reasonable. 219 00:11:24,517 --> 00:11:26,059 But I have, like-- 220 00:11:26,060 --> 00:11:28,061 there's an argument to be made that if you think 221 00:11:28,062 --> 00:11:29,354 the worst is gonna happen, 222 00:11:29,355 --> 00:11:31,648 anything shy of that is a victory. 223 00:11:31,649 --> 00:11:33,733 But to what end? 224 00:11:33,734 --> 00:11:34,818 You know? I'm exhausted. 225 00:11:34,819 --> 00:11:36,695 I'm tired of it. I can't control it anymore. 226 00:11:36,696 --> 00:11:38,113 Like, here's a good example. 227 00:11:38,114 --> 00:11:40,365 Like, I could right now, if you gave me 30 seconds, 228 00:11:40,366 --> 00:11:42,492 think, like, oh, did I leave the drawstring down 229 00:11:42,493 --> 00:11:45,538 for my blinds so my cat Charlie can hang himself? 230 00:11:48,082 --> 00:11:49,541 I'm thinking about it right now. 231 00:11:49,542 --> 00:11:50,834 Right now it's happening. 232 00:11:50,835 --> 00:11:53,169 And I can lock into that for hours. 233 00:11:53,170 --> 00:11:54,796 If my girlfriend doesn't text me back, 234 00:11:54,797 --> 00:11:56,756 like, within 15 minutes of me texting, 235 00:11:56,757 --> 00:11:59,884 I'm like, "Well, she's dead in a car. 236 00:11:59,885 --> 00:12:02,595 Now what am I gonna do with her dog?" 237 00:12:02,596 --> 00:12:04,682 All right, so... 238 00:12:07,768 --> 00:12:10,061 I think it's some sort of survival mechanism. 239 00:12:10,062 --> 00:12:12,272 'Cause when the world is really as frightening as it is 240 00:12:12,273 --> 00:12:14,816 on all levels, I think my brain is like, "Well, 241 00:12:14,817 --> 00:12:17,777 "if we use our imagination, we can make your life 242 00:12:17,778 --> 00:12:19,863 pretty scary and miserable. Why don't we do that?" 243 00:12:19,864 --> 00:12:23,450 That'll counter it. Good idea. 244 00:12:23,451 --> 00:12:25,827 I've gotten into this habit where I get on an airplane. 245 00:12:25,828 --> 00:12:28,538 I get on an airplane, and I'm relatively afraid of flying, 246 00:12:28,539 --> 00:12:29,998 but I have to do it a lot, but now it's kind of 247 00:12:29,999 --> 00:12:33,168 even more scary because they fired all the controllers now. 248 00:12:33,169 --> 00:12:34,919 So now when you get on a plane, 249 00:12:34,920 --> 00:12:36,546 you just picture one guy in there going, 250 00:12:36,547 --> 00:12:39,758 "I can't do this myself. 251 00:12:39,759 --> 00:12:42,510 "This is crazy. Where is everybody? 252 00:12:42,511 --> 00:12:43,845 "Get me a coffee. 253 00:12:43,846 --> 00:12:45,430 "I can't take my eyes off the screen. 254 00:12:45,431 --> 00:12:47,516 It's busy. It's very busy." 255 00:12:51,479 --> 00:12:53,271 But for some reason, I've gotten into this habit 256 00:12:53,272 --> 00:12:56,065 where I'll get on a plane and I'll just look around 257 00:12:56,066 --> 00:12:57,233 at the people sitting around me, 258 00:12:57,234 --> 00:12:59,903 and then I picture the plane falling out of the sky, 259 00:12:59,904 --> 00:13:02,405 just spiraling down. You know, people are crying. 260 00:13:02,406 --> 00:13:04,532 They're throwing up. Some people are praying. 261 00:13:04,533 --> 00:13:06,201 The masks are dangling. 262 00:13:06,202 --> 00:13:08,953 Blue water from the toilet is swirling around everywhere. 263 00:13:08,954 --> 00:13:10,538 And once I get through that, I'm like, 264 00:13:10,539 --> 00:13:13,166 "OK, I'm ready to take off." You know, I get-- 265 00:13:13,167 --> 00:13:14,501 But what am I preparing for? 266 00:13:14,502 --> 00:13:16,252 I mean, what if the worst did happen 267 00:13:16,253 --> 00:13:17,754 and it was crashing? 268 00:13:17,755 --> 00:13:21,257 Would I be like, "I kind of saw this coming, 269 00:13:21,258 --> 00:13:23,092 "and I knew you'd be the crying guy. 270 00:13:23,093 --> 00:13:25,012 I knew you'd be the crying guy." 271 00:13:28,808 --> 00:13:30,934 And I don't know if it's normal. 272 00:13:30,935 --> 00:13:31,935 I don't. 273 00:13:31,936 --> 00:13:33,311 My problem with having the kind of brain 274 00:13:33,312 --> 00:13:35,647 I have is that, like, I don't know 275 00:13:35,648 --> 00:13:38,316 if that's where all my creativity comes from. 276 00:13:38,317 --> 00:13:40,193 I don't know if all I'm doing is mining 277 00:13:40,194 --> 00:13:41,861 for gold in a river of panic. 278 00:13:41,862 --> 00:13:45,573 I don't know if that's the nature of my creativity. 279 00:13:45,574 --> 00:13:47,033 'Cause I'm sort of exhausted by it all, 280 00:13:47,034 --> 00:13:49,494 and I decided I would, you know, see a psychiatrist, 281 00:13:49,495 --> 00:13:50,829 and I went in for the full treatment. 282 00:13:50,830 --> 00:13:52,247 I didn't do it on Zoom. 283 00:13:52,248 --> 00:13:54,791 I wanted to be on a couch with a guy in a chair 284 00:13:54,792 --> 00:13:58,336 that I could judge for an hour. 285 00:13:58,337 --> 00:14:00,004 And I'm a little weird about medication. 286 00:14:00,005 --> 00:14:02,006 There's something about taking, you know, 287 00:14:02,007 --> 00:14:04,217 an SSRI that kind of bothers me. 288 00:14:04,218 --> 00:14:05,635 Now, I know they work for people, 289 00:14:05,636 --> 00:14:06,761 and people always tell me, you know, 290 00:14:06,762 --> 00:14:09,764 "Don't put down SSRIs." I'm not. 291 00:14:09,765 --> 00:14:13,142 I'm just talking about me. Am I--it's a weird-- 292 00:14:13,143 --> 00:14:15,186 here's an analogy about how I feel 293 00:14:15,187 --> 00:14:16,521 about those kind of medications. 294 00:14:16,522 --> 00:14:20,149 So I have a cat, Charlie, and Charlie's got problems. 295 00:14:20,150 --> 00:14:22,735 When I go away, Charlie will shit 296 00:14:22,736 --> 00:14:26,990 all over the house, I believe at me, 297 00:14:26,991 --> 00:14:28,324 and he'll beat up on the other cats. 298 00:14:28,325 --> 00:14:29,659 It's not just shit. I mean, he-- 299 00:14:29,660 --> 00:14:32,328 diarrhea all over the house when I leave. 300 00:14:32,329 --> 00:14:34,956 So coming home, it's an actual shit show. 301 00:14:34,957 --> 00:14:37,667 And all the other cats are hissing at each other. 302 00:14:37,668 --> 00:14:39,794 It's a nightmare. 303 00:14:39,795 --> 00:14:43,131 So I finally called the vet, and I was like, 304 00:14:43,132 --> 00:14:44,507 "You know, he's shitting all over the house. 305 00:14:44,508 --> 00:14:46,050 He's beating up on the other cats when I'm gone." 306 00:14:46,051 --> 00:14:48,511 And she goes, "Well, he has separation anxiety, 307 00:14:48,512 --> 00:14:52,432 and that's separation anxiety induced colitis." 308 00:14:52,433 --> 00:14:55,476 And I'm like, "OK, so what do I do?" 309 00:14:55,477 --> 00:14:58,479 And she goes, "Well, generally we'll prescribe Prozac 310 00:14:58,480 --> 00:15:02,609 for cats that have that." And I said, "I don't know. 311 00:15:02,610 --> 00:15:05,069 I don't know if I'm comfortable with that." 312 00:15:05,070 --> 00:15:06,696 She's like, "What are you talking about? 313 00:15:06,697 --> 00:15:11,701 "He's shitting all over the house, 314 00:15:11,702 --> 00:15:13,745 and he's beating up on the other cats." 315 00:15:13,746 --> 00:15:16,748 And I'm like, "Yeah, but I want him to be his authentic self. 316 00:15:16,749 --> 00:15:20,043 "You know, like, I don't want 317 00:15:20,044 --> 00:15:23,421 to diminish his personality." 318 00:15:23,422 --> 00:15:25,256 So needless to say, I'm looking forward 319 00:15:25,257 --> 00:15:27,134 to getting home tomorrow. 320 00:15:29,219 --> 00:15:31,930 But I did go to the psychiatrist, 321 00:15:31,931 --> 00:15:33,598 and I did tell him what was going on, 322 00:15:33,599 --> 00:15:35,475 and he said, "Well, you're not depressed." 323 00:15:35,476 --> 00:15:36,976 I'm like, "I know that." 324 00:15:36,977 --> 00:15:39,145 And he says, "You have obsessional anxiety." 325 00:15:39,146 --> 00:15:41,314 And the weird thing about anxiety and depression 326 00:15:41,315 --> 00:15:43,650 is I thought I was depressed in my life, 327 00:15:43,651 --> 00:15:45,443 but then I realized that if you're 328 00:15:45,444 --> 00:15:48,321 really anxious, eventually there's an arc to it. 329 00:15:48,322 --> 00:15:51,282 Your anxiety will exhaust you, and your brain 330 00:15:51,283 --> 00:15:52,993 will be like, "Well, let's just be sad." 331 00:15:54,912 --> 00:15:59,415 That's like the comfort zone at the end of the arc of anxiety. 332 00:15:59,416 --> 00:16:01,376 But he says I have obsessional anxiety. 333 00:16:01,377 --> 00:16:03,127 I told him I didn't want to be on an SSRI. 334 00:16:03,128 --> 00:16:05,296 He goes, "Well, there's another medication they have, 335 00:16:05,297 --> 00:16:07,633 but it generally doesn't work for people." 336 00:16:09,843 --> 00:16:11,427 And I said, "That sounds perfect for me. 337 00:16:11,428 --> 00:16:12,804 "That's really-- 338 00:16:12,805 --> 00:16:15,223 That sounds like the medicine I need to be on." 339 00:16:15,224 --> 00:16:19,478 And just to report in, it's not working. 340 00:16:21,146 --> 00:16:22,981 Now, look, I know the world we're living in, 341 00:16:22,982 --> 00:16:25,525 and I know it's difficult and it's scary 342 00:16:25,526 --> 00:16:28,695 to those of us who are reasonable and rational, 343 00:16:28,696 --> 00:16:30,613 and there's part of me, and this was kind of 344 00:16:30,614 --> 00:16:33,700 a revelation I had a few weeks ago. 345 00:16:33,701 --> 00:16:35,326 I said to myself, "Marc, why don't you just 346 00:16:35,327 --> 00:16:38,454 be entertaining? People need entertainment." 347 00:16:38,455 --> 00:16:40,915 And this was new to me. 348 00:16:40,916 --> 00:16:46,421 I don't think that I ever got into this to be entertaining. 349 00:16:46,422 --> 00:16:48,965 I just don't think that was my plan. 350 00:16:48,966 --> 00:16:51,342 I think I had things I wanted to say, 351 00:16:51,343 --> 00:16:53,678 and if I said them here, people would laugh at them 352 00:16:53,679 --> 00:16:55,847 and I'd realize, OK, I'm not alone, 353 00:16:55,848 --> 00:16:58,182 and it's working out. 354 00:16:58,183 --> 00:16:59,475 But then I realized, like, well, you know, 355 00:16:59,476 --> 00:17:00,601 you've been doing this a long time. 356 00:17:00,602 --> 00:17:02,437 Why don't you just, you know, try to be entertaining? 357 00:17:02,438 --> 00:17:05,440 People at this time could use some entertainment. 358 00:17:05,441 --> 00:17:08,401 OK. Now, look, you know me. 359 00:17:08,402 --> 00:17:11,529 I'm not an arena act. 360 00:17:11,530 --> 00:17:15,283 I turn them down all the time. 361 00:17:15,284 --> 00:17:17,452 I think I could do one arena if it were 362 00:17:17,453 --> 00:17:20,079 centrally located somewhere in the country, 363 00:17:20,080 --> 00:17:22,373 and I could just bus my fans in. 364 00:17:22,374 --> 00:17:25,293 You know, buses for Maron show, leaving out of Whole Foods 365 00:17:25,294 --> 00:17:27,838 parking lots in these cities. 366 00:17:30,382 --> 00:17:33,509 I'm not a casino act because I don't go to casinos. 367 00:17:33,510 --> 00:17:36,054 I find them, you know, disgusting and annoying. 368 00:17:36,055 --> 00:17:38,473 It's a job I could do. It's available to me. 369 00:17:38,474 --> 00:17:40,349 But I don't think any of my fans 370 00:17:40,350 --> 00:17:42,728 would be in Vegas on purpose. 371 00:17:48,150 --> 00:17:50,693 I think if you're my fan and you're in Vegas, 372 00:17:50,694 --> 00:17:53,362 you're probably walking around saying something like, 373 00:17:53,363 --> 00:17:55,239 "Why the fuck did Jenny have to have it here?" 374 00:17:55,240 --> 00:17:56,950 You know? 375 00:18:00,704 --> 00:18:02,455 And I think if you were my biggest fan 376 00:18:02,456 --> 00:18:04,832 and you saw a poster of me in the casino in Vegas, 377 00:18:04,833 --> 00:18:06,375 "Marc Maron tonight in the showroom," 378 00:18:06,376 --> 00:18:08,211 even if you were my biggest fan, 379 00:18:08,212 --> 00:18:12,256 you'd say, "Oh, that's a lot. 380 00:18:12,257 --> 00:18:13,466 "You know, I love him, but I think 381 00:18:13,467 --> 00:18:14,884 "he's coming to that place near us. 382 00:18:14,885 --> 00:18:16,094 "You know, we're just starting to get the hang 383 00:18:16,095 --> 00:18:17,470 of Vegas, you know?" 384 00:18:17,471 --> 00:18:19,388 And I understand. I understand. 385 00:18:19,389 --> 00:18:22,975 But the entertainment thing, I really believe 386 00:18:22,976 --> 00:18:24,936 that we do need entertainment. 387 00:18:24,937 --> 00:18:26,854 And I think it can be, you know, 388 00:18:26,855 --> 00:18:28,564 lighthearted and fun, 389 00:18:28,565 --> 00:18:31,485 and so I'm gonna try to do that now. 390 00:18:36,657 --> 00:18:38,575 Yeah. 391 00:18:43,831 --> 00:18:49,294 OK, so we had these big fires in Los Angeles. 392 00:18:52,673 --> 00:18:55,174 They were big. They were a scary time. 393 00:18:55,175 --> 00:18:56,717 Big fires, like huge ones. 394 00:18:56,718 --> 00:18:59,053 Two big ones and a lot of little ones popping up. 395 00:18:59,054 --> 00:19:01,055 It was a traumatic, fucked up time. 396 00:19:01,056 --> 00:19:04,767 And everybody got this app. I think it's called Watch Duty. 397 00:19:04,768 --> 00:19:06,227 And it was this app where you could see 398 00:19:06,228 --> 00:19:07,937 fires popping up in real time. 399 00:19:07,938 --> 00:19:10,481 So everybody in the Los Angeles area was refreshing 400 00:19:10,482 --> 00:19:11,941 the app every three minutes, 401 00:19:11,942 --> 00:19:13,192 and you just see these little fires. 402 00:19:13,193 --> 00:19:14,610 None of them were controllable. 403 00:19:14,611 --> 00:19:16,279 It was fucking crazy. 404 00:19:16,280 --> 00:19:17,864 And I didn't really understand the app. 405 00:19:17,865 --> 00:19:19,031 There was a lot of colors, 406 00:19:19,032 --> 00:19:21,200 a lot of different shades of colors. 407 00:19:21,201 --> 00:19:23,286 There was like a red that was fire, 408 00:19:23,287 --> 00:19:26,539 a red that was almost fire, a red that meant 409 00:19:26,540 --> 00:19:28,166 it's thinking about fire. 410 00:19:28,167 --> 00:19:30,418 And then there was other colors. 411 00:19:30,419 --> 00:19:32,003 One meant, like, you know, you got to leave. 412 00:19:32,004 --> 00:19:34,005 The other meant you think about leaving. 413 00:19:34,006 --> 00:19:36,757 And then there was the rest, like, just be ready to go. 414 00:19:36,758 --> 00:19:39,677 So I did not understand the app. 415 00:19:39,678 --> 00:19:41,929 There were mandatory evacuations. 416 00:19:41,930 --> 00:19:44,390 It was fucking crazy. All right. 417 00:19:44,391 --> 00:19:49,520 So in the middle of this fire, two fires, three fires, 418 00:19:49,521 --> 00:19:52,148 several fires, I was supposed to get, 419 00:19:52,149 --> 00:19:53,649 like, my--it was morning, 420 00:19:53,650 --> 00:19:55,526 and I was supposed to get my kitchen painted. 421 00:19:55,527 --> 00:19:56,736 The ceiling had leaked. 422 00:19:56,737 --> 00:19:58,279 So I was having a guy come over at, like, 7:30 423 00:19:58,280 --> 00:20:00,198 in the morning to paint the ceiling in my kitchen. 424 00:20:00,199 --> 00:20:02,074 And I looked at my app, 425 00:20:02,075 --> 00:20:04,660 and I was pretty sure I was in trouble. 426 00:20:04,661 --> 00:20:06,120 So I was like, "Fuck." 427 00:20:06,121 --> 00:20:08,956 And then the guy shows up with his paints at 7:30. 428 00:20:08,957 --> 00:20:10,249 He's like, "Can I paint?" 429 00:20:10,250 --> 00:20:14,086 And I'm like, "What about the fires?" 430 00:20:14,087 --> 00:20:16,047 And the guy said, "No, no, they're far away." 431 00:20:16,048 --> 00:20:17,506 I'm like, "Are you sure, dude?" 432 00:20:17,507 --> 00:20:19,175 He goes, "Yeah, they're far away." 433 00:20:19,176 --> 00:20:21,595 I'm like, "All right, then fucking paint." 434 00:20:28,227 --> 00:20:29,227 So then we go out to his truck 435 00:20:29,228 --> 00:20:30,394 to get more stuff out of the truck, 436 00:20:30,395 --> 00:20:32,146 and as we're standing in the street, 437 00:20:32,147 --> 00:20:34,899 this cloud of black smoke just starts 438 00:20:34,900 --> 00:20:36,651 enveloping the neighborhood, 439 00:20:36,652 --> 00:20:38,110 and we're both looking up at it, 440 00:20:38,111 --> 00:20:39,612 and now the once confident painter 441 00:20:39,613 --> 00:20:41,490 says, "Oh, you better go." 442 00:20:43,367 --> 00:20:45,409 And packs up his truck and leaves. 443 00:20:45,410 --> 00:20:47,203 So I'm like, "Oh shit, we're doing this." 444 00:20:47,204 --> 00:20:49,914 I'm full of panic. I go into the house. 445 00:20:49,915 --> 00:20:52,875 Now, I've got three cats and one carrier. 446 00:20:52,876 --> 00:20:56,087 That's not a porno movie. 447 00:20:56,088 --> 00:20:59,590 It's my life. Three cats, one carrier. 448 00:20:59,591 --> 00:21:01,259 Now, people that don't understand cats 449 00:21:01,260 --> 00:21:03,302 say, like, "Can't you just put them all in one carrier?" 450 00:21:03,303 --> 00:21:05,430 I'm like, "Are you out of your fucking mind?" 451 00:21:07,516 --> 00:21:10,434 I'll be lucky if I get one cat into a carrier. 452 00:21:10,435 --> 00:21:12,478 I have one cat carrier because I only take 453 00:21:12,479 --> 00:21:14,188 one cat to the vet at a time, 454 00:21:14,189 --> 00:21:15,982 and when I got to take a cat to the vet, 455 00:21:15,983 --> 00:21:19,235 I have to mentally prepare the night before 456 00:21:19,236 --> 00:21:21,904 and maybe leave the carrier open somewhere in the house, 457 00:21:21,905 --> 00:21:25,825 because I got one shot at getting that idiot in there. 458 00:21:25,826 --> 00:21:27,410 And if I don't get that cat in the box, 459 00:21:27,411 --> 00:21:28,619 we're not gonna find out why 460 00:21:28,620 --> 00:21:30,913 he's shitting all over the house. 461 00:21:30,914 --> 00:21:33,582 So now I'm in the house, and I'm filled with adrenaline, 462 00:21:33,583 --> 00:21:35,459 and they say that, you know, you can lift a car 463 00:21:35,460 --> 00:21:36,919 if you're filled with adrenaline. 464 00:21:36,920 --> 00:21:39,005 So I'm, like, focused, I'm locked down, 465 00:21:39,006 --> 00:21:40,923 and I get Charlie into that carrier 466 00:21:40,924 --> 00:21:43,801 in, like, a second. I'm like, "Go fuck yourself." 467 00:21:43,802 --> 00:21:45,887 And I shut the door. 468 00:21:50,642 --> 00:21:53,144 But I still got dumb Sammy and Buster. 469 00:21:53,145 --> 00:21:54,687 And I'm like, "What am I gonna do with these idiots?" 470 00:21:54,688 --> 00:21:57,440 And then I realized, on the porch, 471 00:21:57,441 --> 00:21:59,317 I have an un-run errand in the form of 472 00:21:59,318 --> 00:22:02,320 a wicker hamper that I was gonna bring to Goodwill. 473 00:22:02,321 --> 00:22:04,030 And I'm like, "Sammy's going in that." 474 00:22:04,031 --> 00:22:05,364 So I bring that into the house. 475 00:22:05,365 --> 00:22:07,950 I shove Sammy into the bag, I poke a hole in the top, 476 00:22:07,951 --> 00:22:09,618 and I wire him in. 477 00:22:09,619 --> 00:22:11,662 And now Buster's just sitting there like, "What's up?" 478 00:22:11,663 --> 00:22:14,458 And I'm like, "That Amazon box buddy." 479 00:22:16,335 --> 00:22:18,627 So I shoved Buster into the Amazon box, 480 00:22:18,628 --> 00:22:22,381 and I tape him in like I'm gonna send him somewhere, 481 00:22:22,382 --> 00:22:25,343 and I just poke holes in the top with a pen. 482 00:22:25,344 --> 00:22:26,510 And I'm, like, amazed. 483 00:22:26,511 --> 00:22:29,805 I'm like, "I did it. Look at this." 484 00:22:29,806 --> 00:22:31,640 And then I'm thinking, like, all right, what now? 485 00:22:31,641 --> 00:22:34,143 And then I realize, like, well, you got to get a go bag. 486 00:22:34,144 --> 00:22:35,811 Everyone talks about this go bag. 487 00:22:35,812 --> 00:22:37,229 That's the bag you got to get ready. 488 00:22:37,230 --> 00:22:39,523 You got to have it ready for when shit happens. 489 00:22:39,524 --> 00:22:41,025 So I didn't know what a go bag was really. 490 00:22:41,026 --> 00:22:43,402 I googled go bag, and the one on Google, 491 00:22:43,403 --> 00:22:45,321 definitely a post-apocalyptic go bag. 492 00:22:45,322 --> 00:22:47,281 Like, you need a hand-crank radio. 493 00:22:47,282 --> 00:22:50,534 You need, like, kerosene lamps. You need dried food. 494 00:22:50,535 --> 00:22:53,204 I'm like, "I'm just going over the hill to Hollywood." 495 00:22:53,205 --> 00:22:55,706 So in my go bag, I just put two pairs of underwear, 496 00:22:55,707 --> 00:22:58,626 a hoodie, and just all the cash I had in the house. 497 00:22:58,627 --> 00:23:00,336 I don't know why I brought the cash. 498 00:23:00,337 --> 00:23:01,670 I guess somewhere in my head I'm like, 499 00:23:01,671 --> 00:23:03,422 "There might be checkpoints, you know, 500 00:23:03,423 --> 00:23:05,925 and you got to grease those guys." 501 00:23:05,926 --> 00:23:09,261 I've seen the movies. 502 00:23:09,262 --> 00:23:10,930 So I'm loading all this stuff in the car, 503 00:23:10,931 --> 00:23:12,556 the cats in their boxes, 504 00:23:12,557 --> 00:23:14,058 and I put the go bag in the car, 505 00:23:14,059 --> 00:23:15,726 and then I look at my house 506 00:23:15,727 --> 00:23:17,186 for what I think might be the last time 507 00:23:17,187 --> 00:23:19,063 'cause it's gonna burn down. 508 00:23:19,064 --> 00:23:21,316 And part of me was like, "Oh, finally." 509 00:23:23,693 --> 00:23:25,069 Because there's a lot of stuff in that house 510 00:23:25,070 --> 00:23:28,489 I haven't been able to throw away for 40 years. 511 00:23:28,490 --> 00:23:31,117 Like, I could start with a clean slate. 512 00:23:31,118 --> 00:23:32,993 I mean, I still have books from college 513 00:23:32,994 --> 00:23:35,579 I think I'm gonna read. 514 00:23:35,580 --> 00:23:37,373 Like, some part of me thinks, like, I'm gonna 515 00:23:37,374 --> 00:23:38,707 get through the collected works of 516 00:23:38,708 --> 00:23:41,377 Alexander Pope at some point. 517 00:23:41,378 --> 00:23:43,963 He's a very important satirist of his day, 518 00:23:43,964 --> 00:23:47,425 and I should know that stuff. 519 00:23:47,426 --> 00:23:49,593 So I say goodbye to my house. I get into my car. 520 00:23:49,594 --> 00:23:50,803 I have no plan. 521 00:23:50,804 --> 00:23:53,347 I'm just gonna drive away from the smoke. 522 00:23:53,348 --> 00:23:56,892 And within five minutes, every cat evacuated its bowels 523 00:23:56,893 --> 00:24:02,022 and emptied its bladder into their respective containers. 524 00:24:02,023 --> 00:24:05,776 So now my car smells like a poorly run shelter, 525 00:24:05,777 --> 00:24:07,945 and my only thought is, "Fuck, I'm gonna have 526 00:24:07,946 --> 00:24:12,199 "to throw this car away 527 00:24:12,200 --> 00:24:16,203 "'cause whatever is leaking out of Buster's box 528 00:24:16,204 --> 00:24:20,207 is never gonna come out of that seat." 529 00:24:20,208 --> 00:24:21,876 So I don't really know where I'm going. 530 00:24:21,877 --> 00:24:23,169 And I decide, well, maybe you should get 531 00:24:23,170 --> 00:24:25,754 some real carriers for the other two cats. 532 00:24:25,755 --> 00:24:27,631 You know, and I was gonna go to Petco 533 00:24:27,632 --> 00:24:30,092 and, you know, get the stuff, 534 00:24:30,093 --> 00:24:32,052 and I thought Petco opened at 9:00, 535 00:24:32,053 --> 00:24:33,053 but it opened at 10:00. 536 00:24:33,054 --> 00:24:35,848 So now I'm in the parking of a Petco 537 00:24:35,849 --> 00:24:38,684 in a Toyota that smells like shit 538 00:24:38,685 --> 00:24:40,270 with three cats going... 539 00:24:42,731 --> 00:24:44,398 And it was kind of a profound moment 540 00:24:44,399 --> 00:24:46,150 'cause I realized this is who I am 541 00:24:46,151 --> 00:24:48,236 at the end of the world. 542 00:24:50,780 --> 00:24:52,782 This is where I end up. 543 00:24:55,952 --> 00:24:58,829 So I go in, I buy two carriers 544 00:24:58,830 --> 00:24:59,997 I got to assemble, 545 00:24:59,998 --> 00:25:02,583 and I buy litter, litter boxes, and cat food. 546 00:25:02,584 --> 00:25:06,170 All this shit I had 15 minutes away, 547 00:25:06,171 --> 00:25:09,173 but I did not think to pack a cat go bag. 548 00:25:09,174 --> 00:25:12,134 Guess I'm selfish. 549 00:25:12,135 --> 00:25:14,303 So now I'm driving, and I still don't really have a plan. 550 00:25:14,304 --> 00:25:16,639 And people are like, "Well, don't you have friend's house 551 00:25:16,640 --> 00:25:17,765 that you could stay at?" 552 00:25:17,766 --> 00:25:19,475 And I'm like, "Why would I do that?" 553 00:25:19,476 --> 00:25:21,435 Why would I stay at a friend's house for any reason? 554 00:25:21,436 --> 00:25:24,480 I don't stay at people's houses if they invite me on vacation. 555 00:25:24,481 --> 00:25:27,233 Why would you stay at a friend's house 556 00:25:27,234 --> 00:25:28,901 if you can afford a hotel? 557 00:25:28,902 --> 00:25:31,278 Why would you put yourself through that? 558 00:25:31,279 --> 00:25:32,988 Just being up at night wondering, like, 559 00:25:32,989 --> 00:25:34,406 can I use this towel? 560 00:25:34,407 --> 00:25:38,869 Like, why would you do that? 561 00:25:38,870 --> 00:25:41,205 And then you wake up, and they're all downstairs. 562 00:25:41,206 --> 00:25:43,040 We made breakfast. You want a pancake? 563 00:25:43,041 --> 00:25:45,209 I'm like, "No, I don't want a pancake. 564 00:25:45,210 --> 00:25:48,003 "I want a hotel. Is there a hotel around here? 565 00:25:48,004 --> 00:25:51,090 "I don't want to be rude, but I just need my space, 566 00:25:51,091 --> 00:25:56,887 "and I jerked off in that towel upstairs, 567 00:25:56,888 --> 00:25:59,975 Which is OK to do at a hotel." 568 00:26:02,394 --> 00:26:06,522 So I find a Hampton Inn in Hollywood, and I pull in, 569 00:26:06,523 --> 00:26:08,816 and there's a lot of other people there 570 00:26:08,817 --> 00:26:11,235 who were evacuating. It's kind of tense. 571 00:26:11,236 --> 00:26:13,988 And I go up to the front desk there and I go, 572 00:26:13,989 --> 00:26:14,989 "Do you have a room?" 573 00:26:14,990 --> 00:26:16,323 And the woman goes, "We do have a room." 574 00:26:16,324 --> 00:26:17,575 And I'm like, "Do you take pets?" 575 00:26:17,576 --> 00:26:19,285 And she says, "We'll take a pet." 576 00:26:19,286 --> 00:26:21,412 And I'm like, "OK, OK." 577 00:26:21,413 --> 00:26:23,539 'Cause, well, I knew I just had one pet 578 00:26:23,540 --> 00:26:25,207 that looked like a pet. I had the one carrier, right? 579 00:26:25,208 --> 00:26:27,334 So I'm gonna put on a show for this woman, you know? 580 00:26:27,335 --> 00:26:30,421 Which is ridiculous, 'cause she doesn't give a shit. 581 00:26:30,422 --> 00:26:32,256 You know, people always say service industry people, 582 00:26:32,257 --> 00:26:33,841 they don't care about their jobs anymore. 583 00:26:33,842 --> 00:26:36,510 And I'm like, "Yeah, but there's a good side to that. 584 00:26:36,511 --> 00:26:39,805 They don't care about their jobs anymore." 585 00:26:39,806 --> 00:26:41,849 So I still put on a show. I got the carrier. 586 00:26:41,850 --> 00:26:43,309 I'm like, "This is my pet." 587 00:26:43,310 --> 00:26:46,186 You know, and I take Charlie up to the room. 588 00:26:46,187 --> 00:26:49,273 And then I get the rolly thing and I put the hamper, 589 00:26:49,274 --> 00:26:52,818 the box, I put the go bag on it, 590 00:26:52,819 --> 00:26:54,653 and I'm just like, "This is my stuff." 591 00:26:54,654 --> 00:26:56,822 You know? 592 00:26:56,823 --> 00:26:58,658 And then out of the hamper, Sammy goes... 593 00:26:59,743 --> 00:27:00,868 And I'm like, "I don't know what that is. 594 00:27:00,869 --> 00:27:02,494 "That's crazy. 595 00:27:02,495 --> 00:27:04,163 "I'll figure it out when I get to the room. 596 00:27:04,164 --> 00:27:06,082 I don't know. It's crazy." 597 00:27:08,126 --> 00:27:10,544 So I get all the cats up to the room. 598 00:27:10,545 --> 00:27:12,463 And now, you know, I put together the carriers. 599 00:27:12,464 --> 00:27:13,714 I get them all in real carriers, 600 00:27:13,715 --> 00:27:16,216 and I'm just sitting on a bed. It's 10:30 in the morning. 601 00:27:16,217 --> 00:27:17,718 I'm sitting on a bed with three cats 602 00:27:17,719 --> 00:27:19,804 and carriers and cash. 603 00:27:21,598 --> 00:27:25,184 Like some dirty cat deal is gonna go down. 604 00:27:25,185 --> 00:27:26,477 You know, like, where are those Armenians 605 00:27:26,478 --> 00:27:29,897 with their cats? 606 00:27:29,898 --> 00:27:32,650 Let's get this going. 607 00:27:32,651 --> 00:27:34,026 And then I realized I'm gonna have to, 608 00:27:34,027 --> 00:27:35,444 you know, let them out, 609 00:27:35,445 --> 00:27:37,404 'cause they're gonna have to eat and go to the bathroom, 610 00:27:37,405 --> 00:27:38,405 and it's weird when you have cats 611 00:27:38,406 --> 00:27:40,282 and you let them out into an alien environment 612 00:27:40,283 --> 00:27:41,575 because it's kind of panicky. 613 00:27:41,576 --> 00:27:43,160 I knew it was enclosed, 614 00:27:43,161 --> 00:27:44,536 but you don't know what's gonna happen. 615 00:27:44,537 --> 00:27:47,247 I was afraid that Buster would wedge himself under the bed 616 00:27:47,248 --> 00:27:48,874 and I wouldn't be able to get him out, 617 00:27:48,875 --> 00:27:49,875 but I had to do it. 618 00:27:49,876 --> 00:27:51,377 So I let him out, and Sam gets out 619 00:27:51,378 --> 00:27:53,754 and he's like, "I don't know what's happening." 620 00:27:53,755 --> 00:27:55,172 Charlie gets out, bounces around 621 00:27:55,173 --> 00:27:56,173 for like five minutes. 622 00:27:56,174 --> 00:27:57,299 He's like, "Do we live here now? 623 00:27:57,300 --> 00:27:58,676 I can live here." 624 00:27:58,677 --> 00:28:02,221 And Buster wedged himself under the bed, so... 625 00:28:02,222 --> 00:28:04,098 so now I got the cats out, and I'm feeling, 626 00:28:04,099 --> 00:28:06,558 like, you know, exhausted. I'm a little nervous. 627 00:28:06,559 --> 00:28:07,851 I'm frightened. 628 00:28:07,852 --> 00:28:09,311 You know, there's fires all over the place. 629 00:28:09,312 --> 00:28:12,064 But I'm in a hotel, but I feel kind of freaked out, 630 00:28:12,065 --> 00:28:13,357 so I figure I'll call my girlfriend, 631 00:28:13,358 --> 00:28:15,943 who doesn't really like me, I don't think. 632 00:28:15,944 --> 00:28:17,736 I don't know why I date women who don't really like me. 633 00:28:17,737 --> 00:28:20,739 I guess I think I deserve it. But, you know, she's all right. 634 00:28:20,740 --> 00:28:22,991 She's scrappy, you know, Chicago. 635 00:28:22,992 --> 00:28:28,539 And I call her up and I'm like, "Hey, baby, look, I'm OK. 636 00:28:28,540 --> 00:28:30,416 "You know, I feel a little scared, 637 00:28:30,417 --> 00:28:32,710 but, you know, I'm in a hotel room." 638 00:28:32,711 --> 00:28:35,839 And she says, "Well, good. You did what you had to do." 639 00:28:38,133 --> 00:28:39,800 And I'm like, "Yeah, yeah, I just was calling 640 00:28:39,801 --> 00:28:43,554 to tell you I'm OK." She goes, "OK, good." 641 00:28:43,555 --> 00:28:45,639 And I'm like, "Yeah, I'm gonna call some other people, 642 00:28:45,640 --> 00:28:47,726 I think." 643 00:28:50,770 --> 00:28:53,397 So I call everyone I know in LA to see how they're doing. 644 00:28:53,398 --> 00:28:55,023 And, you know, I kind of settle down, 645 00:28:55,024 --> 00:28:57,317 and, you know, I'm feeling OK, 646 00:28:57,318 --> 00:28:59,027 and night is starting to fall, 647 00:28:59,028 --> 00:29:02,281 and I'm finally feeling relatively relaxed. 648 00:29:02,282 --> 00:29:04,616 And I'm looking out the window, which is four stories up 649 00:29:04,617 --> 00:29:06,326 and it's facing the Hollywood Hills. 650 00:29:06,327 --> 00:29:07,828 And right when I felt comfortable, 651 00:29:07,829 --> 00:29:11,290 an entire hillside just explodes in flame. 652 00:29:11,291 --> 00:29:12,916 And I immediately take it personal 653 00:29:12,917 --> 00:29:14,710 and I'm like, "Why the fuck is this happening to me?" 654 00:29:14,711 --> 00:29:16,754 And-- 655 00:29:16,755 --> 00:29:18,380 but it was a real moment as a cat owner, 656 00:29:18,381 --> 00:29:20,299 you know, in terms of what do I do? 657 00:29:20,300 --> 00:29:21,550 'Cause I really thought, like, I don't know 658 00:29:21,551 --> 00:29:23,218 if I got it in me to get these cats 659 00:29:23,219 --> 00:29:24,386 into these cages again. 660 00:29:24,387 --> 00:29:26,513 So if this is how we're gonna die, 661 00:29:26,514 --> 00:29:30,142 we're gonna die together, and it's gonna be OK. 662 00:29:30,143 --> 00:29:32,102 But I pulled up a news site on my phone, 663 00:29:32,103 --> 00:29:34,229 and I'm watching them put out the fire that I'm watching 664 00:29:34,230 --> 00:29:35,481 a mile away, out the window, 665 00:29:35,482 --> 00:29:37,232 and they get it out pretty quickly. 666 00:29:37,233 --> 00:29:41,236 So finally, I relax enough to get some sleep, 667 00:29:41,237 --> 00:29:43,530 and I wake up in the morning and I'm like, 668 00:29:43,531 --> 00:29:46,116 "All right, so now what do I do?" 669 00:29:46,117 --> 00:29:48,660 I don't know if I made it clear that 670 00:29:48,661 --> 00:29:52,623 this was not a mandatory evacuation. 671 00:29:52,624 --> 00:29:55,918 I just freaked out. I--the-- 672 00:29:55,919 --> 00:29:58,462 my house was never in danger in any way. 673 00:29:58,463 --> 00:30:01,549 I just didn't know how to read the app, so... 674 00:30:05,428 --> 00:30:07,638 So standing here, I'm like, "I guess we'll just go 675 00:30:07,639 --> 00:30:11,017 back to the house, you guys." 676 00:30:15,063 --> 00:30:18,690 So we drove back to the house, 677 00:30:18,691 --> 00:30:21,860 and I'm getting the cats out of the car, 678 00:30:21,861 --> 00:30:24,113 and I see my neighbors. They're going to work. 679 00:30:27,325 --> 00:30:30,744 And I was like, "How'd you guys make out last night?" 680 00:30:30,745 --> 00:30:34,414 And they said, "What are you talking about?" 681 00:30:34,415 --> 00:30:39,294 And I said, "Well, I evacuated for the night." 682 00:30:39,295 --> 00:30:42,840 And they said, "Why'd you do that?" 683 00:30:42,841 --> 00:30:47,344 And I said, "The painter-- I don't know. I don't know. 684 00:30:47,345 --> 00:30:48,762 "I don't know why. 685 00:30:48,763 --> 00:30:50,556 "I think I'll be asking myself that 686 00:30:50,557 --> 00:30:53,517 for probably a few months." 687 00:30:53,518 --> 00:30:55,519 And then I did sort of have to ask myself, "Well, 688 00:30:55,520 --> 00:30:57,729 what did you get out of this? What did you learn?" 689 00:30:57,730 --> 00:30:59,565 And, well, I learned I can get, you know, 690 00:30:59,566 --> 00:31:01,776 any cat into any box pretty quickly. 691 00:31:06,990 --> 00:31:11,994 And I learned that-- well, I also picked up 692 00:31:11,995 --> 00:31:13,787 a couple new carriers, 693 00:31:13,788 --> 00:31:18,417 and I left the shitty hamper at the hotel, 694 00:31:18,418 --> 00:31:22,797 so I can check that errand off the list. 695 00:31:26,301 --> 00:31:28,302 I was happy to be home, you know, 'cause primarily 696 00:31:28,303 --> 00:31:32,222 because I just had my house sealed for rats. 697 00:31:32,223 --> 00:31:34,308 This is something you can do. 698 00:31:34,309 --> 00:31:35,851 Yeah, I know you got rats in New York. 699 00:31:35,852 --> 00:31:37,227 OK, you never-- it's weird. 700 00:31:37,228 --> 00:31:38,896 The rats in LA, you never know they're there, 701 00:31:38,897 --> 00:31:40,397 and when you see one, you're like, "Oh, my God." 702 00:31:40,398 --> 00:31:44,359 You know, there's an excitement but a dread, but-- 703 00:31:44,360 --> 00:31:47,362 I live in an old house, and there's a crawlspace under it. 704 00:31:47,363 --> 00:31:49,823 It's basically a basement. Not much down there. 705 00:31:49,824 --> 00:31:51,867 There's a sofa, boxes of books, some tools, 706 00:31:51,868 --> 00:31:54,828 but I've gotten rats here and there down there before, 707 00:31:54,829 --> 00:31:58,498 and I generally trap them in kill traps, 708 00:31:58,499 --> 00:31:59,917 and I know there's probably a couple people 709 00:31:59,918 --> 00:32:01,293 in here that are thinking, like, well, 710 00:32:01,294 --> 00:32:04,755 you know, there are humane traps. 711 00:32:04,756 --> 00:32:09,385 And I'm not gonna drive a rat anywhere. 712 00:32:19,479 --> 00:32:25,276 I'm not gonna be in a car with a rat... 713 00:32:27,195 --> 00:32:29,655 Wondering how far I got to drive it 714 00:32:29,656 --> 00:32:33,743 until it doesn't know how to get to my house anymore. 715 00:32:35,828 --> 00:32:37,329 And there's also the outside chance 716 00:32:37,330 --> 00:32:42,209 that midway through the drive, I'll get attached to it, 717 00:32:42,210 --> 00:32:46,046 and I'll negotiate something like you can live at the house. 718 00:32:46,047 --> 00:32:48,048 As long as you don't bring your buddies over, 719 00:32:48,049 --> 00:32:50,217 it'll be cool. 720 00:32:50,218 --> 00:32:53,136 But the reason I'm talking about these rats 721 00:32:53,137 --> 00:32:55,222 is that I was in Vancouver 722 00:32:55,223 --> 00:32:59,518 for a few months, and, you know, I came back, 723 00:32:59,519 --> 00:33:02,020 and I had not been down in the crawl space in three months, 724 00:33:02,021 --> 00:33:04,648 and I went down there, and there was more rat shit 725 00:33:04,649 --> 00:33:06,650 there than I've ever seen in my life. 726 00:33:06,651 --> 00:33:08,610 Now, picture a lot of rat shit. 727 00:33:08,611 --> 00:33:11,697 Now picture the most you've ever seen in your life. 728 00:33:11,698 --> 00:33:12,864 It was crazy. 729 00:33:12,865 --> 00:33:15,909 And I was like, "What is happening?" 730 00:33:15,910 --> 00:33:21,081 So I go upstairs and I Google, "How much can one rat shit?" 731 00:33:21,082 --> 00:33:23,291 It's a lot. It's a lot more than you think. 732 00:33:23,292 --> 00:33:25,794 But even for a digestively challenged rat, 733 00:33:25,795 --> 00:33:27,879 this seemed, like, pretty prolific. 734 00:33:27,880 --> 00:33:31,133 So I assumed there was 100 rats down there. 735 00:33:31,134 --> 00:33:34,886 So I vacuum up all the rat shit with my Shop-Vac, 736 00:33:34,887 --> 00:33:36,638 and, of course, I get an email the next day 737 00:33:36,639 --> 00:33:37,639 from a listener who's like, 738 00:33:37,640 --> 00:33:39,766 "Hope you wore a mask with that. 739 00:33:39,767 --> 00:33:42,310 Lot of hantavirus out there." 740 00:33:42,311 --> 00:33:46,565 So now I got to be like, "Oh, fuck you." 741 00:33:46,566 --> 00:33:48,942 Now I got to walk around for weeks going, "Ahem, 742 00:33:48,943 --> 00:33:50,528 oh, fuck." 743 00:33:53,573 --> 00:33:56,616 I didn't get hantavirus, but I put like ten traps out 744 00:33:56,617 --> 00:33:59,036 in the basement, like, all over the place, 745 00:33:59,037 --> 00:34:02,122 and I came down a week later. No rats trapped. 746 00:34:02,123 --> 00:34:04,207 More shit, no rats trapped. 747 00:34:04,208 --> 00:34:05,584 So I'm like, "What is happening?" 748 00:34:05,585 --> 00:34:07,711 And then I wait another week. More shit. 749 00:34:07,712 --> 00:34:09,087 No rats trapped. 750 00:34:09,088 --> 00:34:10,422 So now I'm starting to freak out a little bit. 751 00:34:10,423 --> 00:34:12,340 So I figure I got to call a rat guy. 752 00:34:12,341 --> 00:34:14,718 So I Google rat guy. 753 00:34:14,719 --> 00:34:16,636 There's a rat guy in my neighborhood, 754 00:34:16,637 --> 00:34:19,389 not a corporate affiliated. He runs his own rat shop. 755 00:34:19,390 --> 00:34:21,850 And when you call him, 756 00:34:21,851 --> 00:34:23,685 you get that rat guy on the phone. 757 00:34:23,686 --> 00:34:24,686 I tell him what's up. 758 00:34:24,687 --> 00:34:25,812 He goes, "We can have a team over there. 759 00:34:25,813 --> 00:34:26,813 "I'll bring a team over. 760 00:34:26,814 --> 00:34:29,274 "We'll seal the whole house for rats, 761 00:34:29,275 --> 00:34:31,735 and you'll get a year warranty on it." 762 00:34:31,736 --> 00:34:33,195 And I'm like, "That sounds great." 763 00:34:33,196 --> 00:34:35,655 So he comes over, and he's looking around the crawl space, 764 00:34:35,656 --> 00:34:36,865 and he sees some holes. 765 00:34:36,866 --> 00:34:38,617 And he's like, "Yeah, we got to seal those holes." 766 00:34:38,618 --> 00:34:39,743 And then he says to me, "You know, 767 00:34:39,744 --> 00:34:42,120 "rats can get through a hole the size of a pencil." 768 00:34:42,121 --> 00:34:44,207 And I say, "No, they can't." 769 00:34:51,172 --> 00:34:53,048 And I say, "Make it a nickel size, 770 00:34:53,049 --> 00:34:56,010 and I'll believe ya." 771 00:35:00,014 --> 00:35:03,100 So he spends four hours with a team of people 772 00:35:03,101 --> 00:35:04,684 sealing the house up, 773 00:35:04,685 --> 00:35:07,062 and I'm downstairs with him after they're done, 774 00:35:07,063 --> 00:35:08,814 and I say to him, like, I say, 775 00:35:08,815 --> 00:35:10,107 "Look, I got a question for you. 776 00:35:10,108 --> 00:35:11,358 "Can they live in the walls? 777 00:35:11,359 --> 00:35:13,568 'Cause I think I hear them in the walls." 778 00:35:13,569 --> 00:35:16,363 And he says, "They don't live in walls, 779 00:35:16,364 --> 00:35:18,449 but they hang out in there." 780 00:35:26,999 --> 00:35:28,458 And I said, "What do you mean?" 781 00:35:28,459 --> 00:35:30,252 He goes, "Well, they move through the walls. 782 00:35:30,253 --> 00:35:31,670 "They'll spend time in the walls, 783 00:35:31,671 --> 00:35:32,712 "but they don't live there. 784 00:35:32,713 --> 00:35:35,048 They're just going from one place to the other." 785 00:35:35,049 --> 00:35:36,508 And I'm like, "Well, I had all traps, 786 00:35:36,509 --> 00:35:37,801 and they were still--" 787 00:35:37,802 --> 00:35:40,303 and I had this horrible realization, 788 00:35:40,304 --> 00:35:43,682 this moment of, like-- I think it was probably shame. 789 00:35:43,683 --> 00:35:47,770 And I said, "Wait, are they just coming here to shit?" 790 00:35:55,111 --> 00:35:59,239 And the guy says, "Yeah, I think they are." 791 00:35:59,240 --> 00:36:00,699 And then I'm like, "Why my house? 792 00:36:00,700 --> 00:36:03,660 "Why is my house the rat rest area 793 00:36:03,661 --> 00:36:06,204 for the entire neighborhood?" 794 00:36:06,205 --> 00:36:07,914 And he goes, "I don't know, 795 00:36:07,915 --> 00:36:10,750 but I found some pretty old rat shit down here." 796 00:36:10,751 --> 00:36:12,752 And my house was built in 1907. 797 00:36:12,753 --> 00:36:14,004 So I'm like, "How old?" 798 00:36:14,005 --> 00:36:18,758 He goes, "Well, we don't have carbon dating, but pretty old." 799 00:36:18,759 --> 00:36:20,135 So then I'm thinking, like, man, 800 00:36:20,136 --> 00:36:23,388 word must be out on the rat street. 801 00:36:23,389 --> 00:36:25,182 Like, if there's a rat within two or three miles 802 00:36:25,183 --> 00:36:26,850 from my house and they're hanging out with other rats, 803 00:36:26,851 --> 00:36:29,728 and one of them has to take a dump, they're like, 804 00:36:29,729 --> 00:36:32,898 "You ever been to Maron's? You got to go to Maron's. 805 00:36:32,899 --> 00:36:35,317 "He's got a couch down there. 806 00:36:35,318 --> 00:36:36,943 "I'm halfway through the collected works 807 00:36:36,944 --> 00:36:40,031 of Alexander Pope." 808 00:36:42,909 --> 00:36:45,912 My family's been going there for generations. 809 00:36:51,292 --> 00:36:53,294 I'm not happy. 810 00:36:55,046 --> 00:36:57,130 Are you? I mean... 811 00:36:57,131 --> 00:36:59,049 I don't even know if I can identify happiness. 812 00:36:59,050 --> 00:37:01,509 I don't even know if I know what the experience feels like. 813 00:37:01,510 --> 00:37:03,595 I don't know if I know the difference between 814 00:37:03,596 --> 00:37:06,056 I'm happy and, fuck, this is good coffee. 815 00:37:06,057 --> 00:37:08,433 I don't know. 816 00:37:08,434 --> 00:37:10,227 I don't know if I can identify happiness. 817 00:37:10,228 --> 00:37:13,271 And something happened recently that kind of illustrated that. 818 00:37:13,272 --> 00:37:15,357 Not long ago, I was changing my cats' water. 819 00:37:15,358 --> 00:37:16,650 I'm not bragging. 820 00:37:16,651 --> 00:37:19,194 But I was changing my cats' water, 821 00:37:19,195 --> 00:37:20,528 and one of my AirPods 822 00:37:20,529 --> 00:37:23,114 fell out of my head into the water. 823 00:37:23,115 --> 00:37:24,741 So I had the same reaction anybody would, 824 00:37:24,742 --> 00:37:27,953 which was, "Oh, fuck, God damn it. 825 00:37:27,954 --> 00:37:29,287 Not today." 826 00:37:29,288 --> 00:37:32,582 Any day. Any day. 827 00:37:32,583 --> 00:37:33,750 But I fished it out. 828 00:37:33,751 --> 00:37:35,168 I'm like... 829 00:37:35,169 --> 00:37:37,421 "Fuck, God damn it." 830 00:37:39,757 --> 00:37:44,010 And I put it back in my ear, and it worked, 831 00:37:44,011 --> 00:37:45,929 and I don't think I've ever experienced 832 00:37:45,930 --> 00:37:48,641 that kind of happiness before. 833 00:37:50,059 --> 00:37:54,771 I was like, "Oh, my God, everything is turning around. 834 00:37:54,772 --> 00:37:57,440 "Maybe fascism won't work out. 835 00:37:57,441 --> 00:37:59,442 "Maybe the Earth will cool down. 836 00:37:59,443 --> 00:38:00,902 "This is a big day. 837 00:38:00,903 --> 00:38:05,782 I can hear Pink Floyd in both of my old ears." 838 00:38:05,783 --> 00:38:06,825 My ears are old. 839 00:38:06,826 --> 00:38:08,451 The whole vessel is getting older. 840 00:38:08,452 --> 00:38:10,495 61 years old. That's crazy. 841 00:38:10,496 --> 00:38:12,123 I know. 842 00:38:15,209 --> 00:38:18,253 I didn't think I'd make it to 61, 843 00:38:18,254 --> 00:38:20,547 and I'm not thrilled that I did. 844 00:38:20,548 --> 00:38:22,382 I had a lot of opportunities to get out. 845 00:38:22,383 --> 00:38:24,718 None of them were on purpose, but they didn't work out. 846 00:38:24,719 --> 00:38:26,803 So here I stand before you. 847 00:38:26,804 --> 00:38:28,013 And as I'm getting older, 848 00:38:28,014 --> 00:38:29,723 I've become very obsessed with my posture. 849 00:38:29,724 --> 00:38:31,975 Like, I feel like, you know, I have to be up, 850 00:38:31,976 --> 00:38:34,311 like, around here, right? 851 00:38:34,312 --> 00:38:36,563 Because I see guys that are just a few years older 852 00:38:36,564 --> 00:38:38,732 than me, and it's just a slight shift in angle 853 00:38:38,733 --> 00:38:42,527 you know, from here to it's over. 854 00:38:42,528 --> 00:38:43,862 And then it's just the beginning 855 00:38:43,863 --> 00:38:49,617 of the slow descent into the hole that you prepaid for. 856 00:38:49,618 --> 00:38:51,077 My dad's around here right now, 857 00:38:51,078 --> 00:38:52,454 and I'm sort of like, "Just get in, man. 858 00:38:52,455 --> 00:38:54,372 "Just get in. 859 00:38:54,373 --> 00:38:55,999 "Come on. Enough is enough. 860 00:38:56,000 --> 00:38:57,292 "You don't even make sense anymore. 861 00:38:57,293 --> 00:38:59,378 Let's do this." 862 00:39:01,964 --> 00:39:03,548 I don't even know if I want to be buried. 863 00:39:03,549 --> 00:39:05,842 I think it's kind of morbid, and I don't know who it's for. 864 00:39:05,843 --> 00:39:07,927 It's definitely not for the person you bury. 865 00:39:07,928 --> 00:39:11,806 I think burial is primarily just so generations of people 866 00:39:11,807 --> 00:39:15,018 can drive by a cemetery in the distance, and an adult will go, 867 00:39:15,019 --> 00:39:17,896 "Your grandfather is buried up there." 868 00:39:17,897 --> 00:39:19,814 And a kid will go, "Can we go up there?" 869 00:39:19,815 --> 00:39:22,443 And the adult will say, "No, not today." 870 00:39:24,487 --> 00:39:27,405 Cremation is also an option, because then people get to ask, 871 00:39:27,406 --> 00:39:29,074 "Well, what'd they do with Marc's ashes?" 872 00:39:29,075 --> 00:39:30,575 And I imagine the answer would be, 873 00:39:30,576 --> 00:39:32,535 "I think they mixed them in with the wet food 874 00:39:32,536 --> 00:39:36,374 in small increments..." 875 00:39:38,167 --> 00:39:39,501 "Over several months." 876 00:39:39,502 --> 00:39:40,752 And then someone will go, 877 00:39:40,753 --> 00:39:44,255 "Ah, that sounds right for Maron." 878 00:39:44,256 --> 00:39:46,424 Then I read about green burial. This is interesting. 879 00:39:46,425 --> 00:39:48,134 It's kind of eco-friendly, progressive. 880 00:39:48,135 --> 00:39:50,220 This is where there's an allotted section 881 00:39:50,221 --> 00:39:52,847 of forest with no headstones, 882 00:39:52,848 --> 00:39:56,017 and I guess they just put you in a biodegradable bag 883 00:39:56,018 --> 00:39:58,728 and they just bury you under a tree out there. 884 00:39:58,729 --> 00:40:01,189 But my brain thinks, like, well, that land's not gonna be 885 00:40:01,190 --> 00:40:02,440 allotted for that forever. 886 00:40:02,441 --> 00:40:05,276 They're gonna develop it at some point, 887 00:40:05,277 --> 00:40:07,028 which means at some point in the future, 888 00:40:07,029 --> 00:40:10,532 some kid could just be digging around behind his house 889 00:40:10,533 --> 00:40:13,868 and be like, "I found a head." 890 00:40:13,869 --> 00:40:15,453 Some other kid at another tree says, 891 00:40:15,454 --> 00:40:18,581 "There's one over here too!" 892 00:40:18,582 --> 00:40:22,669 But I think that's what I'm gonna go with. 893 00:40:22,670 --> 00:40:24,129 Because how many opportunities 894 00:40:24,130 --> 00:40:27,216 do you get to really change a kid's life? 895 00:40:29,468 --> 00:40:33,930 And that's a big day, the day you find a head. 896 00:40:33,931 --> 00:40:35,640 That's probably the biggest day of your life. 897 00:40:35,641 --> 00:40:36,724 That's the most fucked up thing 898 00:40:36,725 --> 00:40:38,852 that's gonna happen to you your whole life, 899 00:40:38,853 --> 00:40:40,061 no matter how old you get. 900 00:40:40,062 --> 00:40:41,354 If someone goes, "What's the most fucked up 901 00:40:41,355 --> 00:40:42,355 thing that ever happened to you?" 902 00:40:42,356 --> 00:40:48,069 When I was eight, dude, we found heads. 903 00:40:48,070 --> 00:40:49,612 Wow. What'd you do with them? 904 00:40:49,613 --> 00:40:52,241 We put them in a bag and took them to school. 905 00:40:54,702 --> 00:40:57,329 What else do you do with heads? 906 00:41:01,459 --> 00:41:03,585 I mentioned my dad was still alive. 907 00:41:03,586 --> 00:41:07,630 He's 86 and pretty newly demented. 908 00:41:07,631 --> 00:41:10,633 Um, I like to say it that way, 909 00:41:10,634 --> 00:41:13,011 as opposed to has dementia 'cause that's sad. 910 00:41:13,012 --> 00:41:14,679 You know, newly demented. 911 00:41:14,680 --> 00:41:15,972 It's like, what's gonna happen? 912 00:41:15,973 --> 00:41:17,683 You know? 913 00:41:19,018 --> 00:41:22,270 'Cause it's gonna get weird before it gets sad, 914 00:41:22,271 --> 00:41:24,981 and it does. It gets weird. 915 00:41:24,982 --> 00:41:26,608 But it's engaging. It's interesting. 916 00:41:26,609 --> 00:41:27,942 If you can let go of who they were 917 00:41:27,943 --> 00:41:29,277 and just deal with what is, 918 00:41:29,278 --> 00:41:32,655 there's a lot to be gained from it. 919 00:41:32,656 --> 00:41:34,949 Because eventually the filter goes away. 920 00:41:34,950 --> 00:41:37,327 The statute of limitations on what they should 921 00:41:37,328 --> 00:41:40,622 or shouldn't tell their kid, that's gone. 922 00:41:40,623 --> 00:41:43,333 So if you have unresolved issues or questions, 923 00:41:43,334 --> 00:41:48,421 just reach into that bingo cage of memories 924 00:41:48,422 --> 00:41:50,632 and see if you can pull out that missing 925 00:41:50,633 --> 00:41:52,676 piece that'll make you a whole person. 926 00:41:57,723 --> 00:41:58,890 'Cause we don't know our parents. 927 00:41:58,891 --> 00:42:00,350 You don't really know them. 928 00:42:00,351 --> 00:42:01,893 And you don't know yourself sometimes. 929 00:42:01,894 --> 00:42:04,437 I mean, we all have issues that we don't really know 930 00:42:04,438 --> 00:42:06,022 where they come from necessarily. 931 00:42:06,023 --> 00:42:08,900 Like, for instance, I'm not great with relationships. 932 00:42:08,901 --> 00:42:10,318 And over the years, I've figured out 933 00:42:10,319 --> 00:42:13,112 it's for a pretty specific reason. 934 00:42:13,113 --> 00:42:15,949 I tend to put a premium, or I make-- 935 00:42:15,950 --> 00:42:17,659 I make sex the priority. 936 00:42:17,660 --> 00:42:19,744 In my brain, there's nothing better 937 00:42:19,745 --> 00:42:21,621 or more important than fucking. 938 00:42:21,622 --> 00:42:24,249 Now, yeah, well, I'm not saying it's not important, 939 00:42:24,250 --> 00:42:25,500 but as you get older, people are like, 940 00:42:25,501 --> 00:42:27,126 "Well, what about, you know, companionship 941 00:42:27,127 --> 00:42:28,753 and trust and intimacy?" 942 00:42:28,754 --> 00:42:31,214 I'm like, "Eh, I don't know." 943 00:42:31,215 --> 00:42:32,549 I find if you're focused, 944 00:42:32,550 --> 00:42:35,636 you can fuck right through intimacy. 945 00:42:41,392 --> 00:42:43,810 But as I get older, I realize it's not a great way to be. 946 00:42:43,811 --> 00:42:46,522 So, anyway, I'm having lunch with my dad. 947 00:42:50,109 --> 00:42:51,484 I visit him in Albuquerque, 948 00:42:51,485 --> 00:42:52,569 and we go to this Chinese place. 949 00:42:52,570 --> 00:42:53,903 And we're sitting there, 950 00:42:53,904 --> 00:42:55,613 and the waitress had put the soup down, 951 00:42:55,614 --> 00:42:57,156 and she's walking away, 952 00:42:57,157 --> 00:43:02,704 and my dad says, "Did you ever like the Orientals?" 953 00:43:02,705 --> 00:43:04,122 Yeah, we're not fixing that, all right? 954 00:43:04,123 --> 00:43:07,083 It's not even worth having that conversation. 955 00:43:07,084 --> 00:43:10,378 That ship has sailed. That's not what it's about. 956 00:43:10,379 --> 00:43:13,047 But for some reason, I saw an opportunity here, 957 00:43:13,048 --> 00:43:16,050 and I said, "Yes, I've dated Asian women before." 958 00:43:16,051 --> 00:43:18,636 And then for some reason, I look at my dad, and I said, 959 00:43:18,637 --> 00:43:23,600 "Is there anything better or more important than fucking?" 960 00:43:23,601 --> 00:43:27,271 And my dad, mid soup, goes, "Nope." 961 00:43:32,651 --> 00:43:34,235 And then you can have that moment where 962 00:43:34,236 --> 00:43:35,695 you're like, "That's where I get it. 963 00:43:35,696 --> 00:43:38,824 I get it-- I get it from my dad." 964 00:43:43,162 --> 00:43:45,371 But I guess the liability of that, 965 00:43:45,372 --> 00:43:48,374 of continuing to be who I am 966 00:43:48,375 --> 00:43:51,336 and not really being able to develop real partnerships, 967 00:43:51,337 --> 00:43:54,464 the liability of that mindset is that I'm just-- 968 00:43:54,465 --> 00:43:55,965 you're gonna end up alone. You know? 969 00:43:55,966 --> 00:44:00,887 I'm just gonna end up alone, just me and my dick 970 00:44:00,888 --> 00:44:04,932 sitting at home like, "No, we did it. 971 00:44:04,933 --> 00:44:06,893 "Good job. We've been through some stuff. 972 00:44:06,894 --> 00:44:08,728 Good job." 973 00:44:08,729 --> 00:44:10,188 But I guess if I get what my dad gets, 974 00:44:10,189 --> 00:44:12,399 it'll be more like, "You're not my dick." 975 00:44:15,027 --> 00:44:17,904 "Where's my dick? Whose dick is this? 976 00:44:17,905 --> 00:44:21,575 Who took my dick?" 977 00:44:26,747 --> 00:44:28,873 But he actually is not in that situation. 978 00:44:28,874 --> 00:44:34,504 He's got a wife that he took hostage years ago, 979 00:44:34,505 --> 00:44:36,422 and she's taking care of him. 980 00:44:36,423 --> 00:44:38,299 He's got this wife, and she's about 981 00:44:38,300 --> 00:44:39,676 15 years younger than him, 982 00:44:39,677 --> 00:44:42,387 and she's a born-again Christian Latina woman 983 00:44:42,388 --> 00:44:46,766 who's kind of Trumpy. Yeah, but who cares? 984 00:44:46,767 --> 00:44:50,561 She's taking care of him. 985 00:44:50,562 --> 00:44:52,648 I don't want to do it. 986 00:44:54,942 --> 00:44:56,984 I don't believe in Jesus, but I thank Jesus 987 00:44:56,985 --> 00:44:59,697 every day for Rosie. 988 00:45:03,742 --> 00:45:04,909 My brother and I don't really have 989 00:45:04,910 --> 00:45:08,121 an aftercare plan in place, and we might not need one, 990 00:45:08,122 --> 00:45:10,498 because Mexicans generally move the hospital bed 991 00:45:10,499 --> 00:45:12,792 right into the living room, and then they can just have 992 00:45:12,793 --> 00:45:17,130 Christmas around the dying Jew. 993 00:45:17,131 --> 00:45:20,759 I think there's a certain poetic symmetry to that, but-- 994 00:45:26,849 --> 00:45:29,016 But we do not have an aftercare plan in place. 995 00:45:29,017 --> 00:45:31,102 I know my brother and I have to put one in place, 996 00:45:31,103 --> 00:45:32,520 'cause you have to put these people 997 00:45:32,521 --> 00:45:34,188 somewhere eventually, right? 998 00:45:34,189 --> 00:45:38,277 Some sort of facility for like-minded people... 999 00:45:40,404 --> 00:45:42,739 Where they can all hang out and reintroduce themselves 1000 00:45:42,740 --> 00:45:45,992 to each other all day long and be just as excited 1001 00:45:45,993 --> 00:45:49,328 every time they meet the same person again that day. 1002 00:45:49,329 --> 00:45:50,496 And that's not nothing. 1003 00:45:50,497 --> 00:45:53,459 I mean, how fun is your life, you know? 1004 00:45:55,711 --> 00:45:57,044 A little backstory on my dad. 1005 00:45:57,045 --> 00:45:59,380 About 20 years ago, he had a business partner 1006 00:45:59,381 --> 00:46:01,591 that screwed him out of $200,000. 1007 00:46:01,592 --> 00:46:03,176 A long time ago. 1008 00:46:03,177 --> 00:46:07,264 But right now, all my dad talks about is killing that guy. 1009 00:46:13,437 --> 00:46:15,855 And we're just so happy he's having a recurring memory 1010 00:46:15,856 --> 00:46:20,485 with some consistency, even if it's a vengeful murder fantasy. 1011 00:46:20,486 --> 00:46:22,779 If that's what's keeping him tethered to reality, 1012 00:46:22,780 --> 00:46:23,946 we'll take it. All right? 1013 00:46:23,947 --> 00:46:27,784 It's a blessing. It's a blessing. 1014 00:46:27,785 --> 00:46:29,285 The plot thickens a little bit. 1015 00:46:29,286 --> 00:46:31,078 Not too long ago, my brother calls me. 1016 00:46:31,079 --> 00:46:33,289 He's in Florida. I'm in Los Angeles. 1017 00:46:33,290 --> 00:46:34,832 My dad's in Albuquerque. My brother calls. 1018 00:46:34,833 --> 00:46:36,292 He's all worked up. He's like-- 1019 00:46:36,293 --> 00:46:37,502 I'm like, "What's going on?" 1020 00:46:37,503 --> 00:46:39,712 He's like, "Well, Rosie just called 1021 00:46:39,713 --> 00:46:41,339 and dad's yelling at her." 1022 00:46:41,340 --> 00:46:42,965 And I'm like, "All right, well, just relax. 1023 00:46:42,966 --> 00:46:44,592 What's he yelling at her about?" 1024 00:46:44,593 --> 00:46:48,805 And my brother says, "Well, he wants bullets for his gun." 1025 00:46:48,806 --> 00:46:50,723 And I said, "Well, she took the bullets away. 1026 00:46:50,724 --> 00:46:52,892 Should be OK." He's like, "No, it's not OK. 1027 00:46:52,893 --> 00:46:54,268 "It's not safe, 1028 00:46:54,269 --> 00:46:56,020 "and when you go out there, you got to try to get 1029 00:46:56,021 --> 00:46:57,355 that gun out of the house." 1030 00:46:57,356 --> 00:46:59,690 So I said, "Well, just hold on. Let's just talk this through. 1031 00:46:59,691 --> 00:47:04,737 So he probably wants bullets to kill that guy, right?" 1032 00:47:04,738 --> 00:47:06,447 And my brother says, "What difference does it make?" 1033 00:47:06,448 --> 00:47:10,035 I'm like, "That guy is not a great guy." 1034 00:47:12,996 --> 00:47:14,080 Just hear me out. 1035 00:47:14,081 --> 00:47:16,707 Let's say we get dad the bullets. 1036 00:47:16,708 --> 00:47:18,417 He kills that guy. 1037 00:47:18,418 --> 00:47:21,505 They put him in jail. That takes a lot off our plate. 1038 00:47:26,218 --> 00:47:28,469 I'm just saying let's not look a gift horse in the mouth here. 1039 00:47:28,470 --> 00:47:31,931 You know, we can have the state cover the aftercare, 1040 00:47:31,932 --> 00:47:33,224 and if we time it out right, 1041 00:47:33,225 --> 00:47:34,433 he won't even know the difference. 1042 00:47:34,434 --> 00:47:37,436 It just seems like a win-win, bro, 1043 00:47:37,437 --> 00:47:40,439 if you think outside the box. 1044 00:47:40,440 --> 00:47:41,816 Now, as funny as that is, 1045 00:47:41,817 --> 00:47:46,654 which I believe it is, 1046 00:47:46,655 --> 00:47:49,949 my dad really wants to kill that guy. 1047 00:47:49,950 --> 00:47:52,493 So that means I had to have a conversation 1048 00:47:52,494 --> 00:47:54,453 with my father about that. 1049 00:47:54,454 --> 00:47:55,955 This is the kind of things you get to talk about 1050 00:47:55,956 --> 00:47:57,415 with a parent with dementia. 1051 00:47:57,416 --> 00:47:59,584 Conversations you never thought you would have. 1052 00:47:59,585 --> 00:48:02,587 I had to sit my dad down. My dad can barely walk. 1053 00:48:02,588 --> 00:48:05,840 And I had to sit my dad down and talk to him, man to man, 1054 00:48:05,841 --> 00:48:07,216 about this situation. 1055 00:48:07,217 --> 00:48:09,135 And I said, "So what's going on, Dad? 1056 00:48:09,136 --> 00:48:10,428 You want to kill that guy?" 1057 00:48:10,429 --> 00:48:13,431 And my dad says, "Yeah, I'm gonna fucking kill him." 1058 00:48:13,432 --> 00:48:15,517 And I'm like, "Not with that gun." 1059 00:48:18,478 --> 00:48:19,729 I said, "Well, are you just gonna drive 1060 00:48:19,730 --> 00:48:20,730 over there and kill him?" 1061 00:48:20,731 --> 00:48:22,023 He's like, "Yeah, I'm gonna drive over there, 1062 00:48:22,024 --> 00:48:24,400 and I'm gonna fucking kill him." 1063 00:48:24,401 --> 00:48:29,572 And I said, "Dad, can you even drive anymore?" 1064 00:48:29,573 --> 00:48:32,742 My dad gets indignant. He goes, "I can drive." 1065 00:48:32,743 --> 00:48:37,955 And then he says, "Nah, I don't know where I'm going." 1066 00:48:37,956 --> 00:48:41,043 So I think that guy is safe for now. 1067 00:48:47,049 --> 00:48:49,967 So what do you want to talk about? 1068 00:48:49,968 --> 00:48:52,054 Hitler... 1069 00:48:56,433 --> 00:48:59,143 Hitler was a fucking dick. 1070 00:48:59,144 --> 00:49:00,603 And I say it that way for a reason. 1071 00:49:00,604 --> 00:49:02,688 I mean, we all used to be on the same page with that, 1072 00:49:02,689 --> 00:49:06,651 but now it's not so clear, but Hitler was a fucking dick. 1073 00:49:06,652 --> 00:49:08,235 And, look, you know, I'm a Jew. 1074 00:49:08,236 --> 00:49:09,445 We were taught our whole lives 1075 00:49:09,446 --> 00:49:11,864 to stay away from Hitler, you know? 1076 00:49:11,865 --> 00:49:13,324 If you're ever walking down the street 1077 00:49:13,325 --> 00:49:16,452 and there's Hitler, you know, try to get off that street. 1078 00:49:16,453 --> 00:49:17,620 If you can't get off the street, 1079 00:49:17,621 --> 00:49:20,581 don't make eye contact, move by him quickly. 1080 00:49:20,582 --> 00:49:22,124 But the reason I'm bringing up Hitler 1081 00:49:22,125 --> 00:49:24,168 is we all know that Hitler and the Nazis 1082 00:49:24,169 --> 00:49:27,463 were the personification of pure evil on the planet Earth. 1083 00:49:27,464 --> 00:49:29,215 I mean, we have Nazis now. 1084 00:49:29,216 --> 00:49:32,385 You know, they're not as well-dressed. 1085 00:49:32,386 --> 00:49:34,804 They're kind of ragtag bunches of militia guys 1086 00:49:34,805 --> 00:49:37,848 wearing Under Armour and camo and night vision goggles, 1087 00:49:37,849 --> 00:49:39,433 and they get to choose their own hats, 1088 00:49:39,434 --> 00:49:42,229 which was unheard of in the '30s. 1089 00:49:46,149 --> 00:49:47,858 The original Nazis, they looked sharp. 1090 00:49:47,859 --> 00:49:50,653 You know, Hugo Boss. 1091 00:49:50,654 --> 00:49:52,822 That Hugo Boss designed a lot of the uniforms 1092 00:49:52,823 --> 00:49:54,240 for the upper echelon Nazis. 1093 00:49:54,241 --> 00:49:56,867 That's crazy 'cause it's still a brand. 1094 00:49:56,868 --> 00:50:00,413 No one ever talks about that. People just buy Hugo Boss. 1095 00:50:00,414 --> 00:50:01,789 They don't even give a shit. 1096 00:50:01,790 --> 00:50:04,083 They don't even know that he designed 1097 00:50:04,084 --> 00:50:05,251 uniforms for the Nazis. 1098 00:50:05,252 --> 00:50:07,336 They're just like, "Look at my Hugo Boss suit." 1099 00:50:07,337 --> 00:50:09,672 And I'm sitting here toiling over soy milk. 1100 00:50:09,673 --> 00:50:11,758 So... 1101 00:50:16,763 --> 00:50:18,556 But the thing about the Nazis and the reason 1102 00:50:18,557 --> 00:50:21,183 I'm bringing it up is, like, look, we know they're evil, 1103 00:50:21,184 --> 00:50:22,810 but it's almost mythic, and, you know, 1104 00:50:22,811 --> 00:50:24,228 it's historical, and a lot of us 1105 00:50:24,229 --> 00:50:26,063 don't have a personal connection 1106 00:50:26,064 --> 00:50:27,523 to what the Nazis were really like. 1107 00:50:27,524 --> 00:50:28,899 There's a distance there. 1108 00:50:28,900 --> 00:50:30,443 There's a detachment to it. 1109 00:50:30,444 --> 00:50:32,820 And I just want to explore this, 1110 00:50:32,821 --> 00:50:35,781 because I recently thought, like, 1111 00:50:35,782 --> 00:50:37,199 well, I want to check in with Hitler. 1112 00:50:37,200 --> 00:50:39,577 So I watched this six hour miniseries, 1113 00:50:39,578 --> 00:50:40,578 six different hours, 1114 00:50:40,579 --> 00:50:42,496 about the Nuremberg trials and Hitler. 1115 00:50:42,497 --> 00:50:44,457 And you think know most of that stuff, 1116 00:50:44,458 --> 00:50:47,668 and you might, but the thing that stunned me 1117 00:50:47,669 --> 00:50:49,545 was there's this sort of detachment to it. 1118 00:50:49,546 --> 00:50:51,714 So I'm watching each hour, and I'm kind of-- 1119 00:50:51,715 --> 00:50:53,257 you know, I'm like, "Oh, yeah, sure. 1120 00:50:53,258 --> 00:50:55,176 "The invasion of Europe. Sure, yep, the Holocaust. 1121 00:50:55,177 --> 00:50:56,177 Yeah, I knew that." 1122 00:50:56,178 --> 00:50:57,470 But I'm kind of passive about it. 1123 00:50:57,471 --> 00:50:59,013 It's not really landing. 1124 00:50:59,014 --> 00:51:02,016 And then something happens five and a half hours in. 1125 00:51:02,017 --> 00:51:04,643 Now, I don't want to spoil it for anybody. 1126 00:51:04,644 --> 00:51:06,187 He does die at the end. 1127 00:51:06,188 --> 00:51:08,856 But five and a half hours in, it's revealed-- 1128 00:51:08,857 --> 00:51:10,232 now I don't know if you knew this or not, 1129 00:51:10,233 --> 00:51:12,943 but before Hitler killed himself, 1130 00:51:12,944 --> 00:51:14,904 he killed his dog, 1131 00:51:14,905 --> 00:51:17,239 and after five and a half hours of watching that thing, 1132 00:51:17,240 --> 00:51:18,949 that's the moment out loud, I said, 1133 00:51:18,950 --> 00:51:21,953 "What a fucking asshole." 1134 00:51:24,915 --> 00:51:27,750 What kind of monster kills his dog? 1135 00:51:27,751 --> 00:51:29,293 I mean, I knew that other stuff, 1136 00:51:29,294 --> 00:51:33,589 but God damn it. Hitler is a fucking dick. 1137 00:51:33,590 --> 00:51:36,676 Jury's in on Hitler. 1138 00:51:40,889 --> 00:51:42,765 I think if Hitler were alive today, 1139 00:51:42,766 --> 00:51:45,852 he'd probably appear on Theo Von's podcast. 1140 00:51:49,856 --> 00:51:51,315 And Theo would be like, 1141 00:51:51,316 --> 00:51:53,192 "So y'all did a lot of meth, right? 1142 00:51:53,193 --> 00:51:55,653 "I mean, all the Nazis were all fucked up 1143 00:51:55,654 --> 00:51:57,404 "on meth, right, Hitler? 1144 00:51:57,405 --> 00:52:00,699 "That shit will make you crazy, dog. 1145 00:52:00,700 --> 00:52:01,951 "I did some meth once. 1146 00:52:01,952 --> 00:52:05,121 "I was up for three days, and then I ate a live bird. 1147 00:52:05,122 --> 00:52:09,583 "No shit, Hitler. A live bird, bro. 1148 00:52:09,584 --> 00:52:12,169 "Hey, Hitler, you probably didn't even hate the Jews. 1149 00:52:12,170 --> 00:52:15,965 "That was just the meth making you crazy, dog. 1150 00:52:15,966 --> 00:52:19,052 Hey, Hitler..." 1151 00:52:21,555 --> 00:52:23,347 "Do you want to apologize 1152 00:52:23,348 --> 00:52:26,767 "to all the Jews right now on my show? 1153 00:52:26,768 --> 00:52:29,479 No? I get it." 1154 00:52:36,570 --> 00:52:38,696 I'd like to think that these jokes are relevant. 1155 00:52:38,697 --> 00:52:41,949 I don't really know. 1156 00:52:41,950 --> 00:52:46,203 I'd like to think my jokes, you know, have impact, 1157 00:52:46,204 --> 00:52:49,039 but I don't know the nature of my relevance. 1158 00:52:49,040 --> 00:52:52,084 You know, I think at best, let's see, my relevance. 1159 00:52:52,085 --> 00:52:53,752 This is the arc of my relevance. 1160 00:52:53,753 --> 00:52:56,046 Maybe, like, a week or two from now, 1161 00:52:56,047 --> 00:52:59,925 maybe a couple of you will be making coffee or something, 1162 00:52:59,926 --> 00:53:01,051 and under your breath you'll be like, 1163 00:53:01,052 --> 00:53:03,138 "That was funny what that guy said." 1164 00:53:07,017 --> 00:53:10,686 That's sort of the full arc, I think. 1165 00:53:10,687 --> 00:53:12,396 Maybe if you want to take it a little further, 1166 00:53:12,397 --> 00:53:14,773 you'll be in conversation a few months from now 1167 00:53:14,774 --> 00:53:17,193 with some people, and they'll bring up something 1168 00:53:17,194 --> 00:53:19,195 I talked about, and then you'll be like, "Oh, my God, 1169 00:53:19,196 --> 00:53:22,114 "I just--I saw this comic talking about the same thing. 1170 00:53:22,115 --> 00:53:23,657 Do you know that comic Marc Maron?" 1171 00:53:23,658 --> 00:53:25,618 And maybe two out of the four will be like, "Oh, yeah, 1172 00:53:25,619 --> 00:53:26,952 I think I know that guy." 1173 00:53:26,953 --> 00:53:31,665 And then you'll paraphrase my joke badly, 1174 00:53:31,666 --> 00:53:33,626 and it won't get any laughs, 1175 00:53:33,627 --> 00:53:35,044 and then you have that awkward moment, 1176 00:53:35,045 --> 00:53:37,254 and you'll be like, "Was that even funny?" 1177 00:53:37,255 --> 00:53:40,049 So... 1178 00:53:40,050 --> 00:53:42,134 But I like to think I'm relevant, but I know-- 1179 00:53:42,135 --> 00:53:44,428 you know, I'm not totally delusional. 1180 00:53:44,429 --> 00:53:46,805 I know there's no joke that I'm going to do 1181 00:53:46,806 --> 00:53:49,600 that's gonna go viral and just make 1182 00:53:49,601 --> 00:53:52,102 all these new young Nazis just be like, 1183 00:53:52,103 --> 00:53:55,190 "Oh, man, I'm just mad at my dad, I think." 1184 00:53:59,444 --> 00:54:03,364 "I might be gay too. This is crazy. 1185 00:54:03,365 --> 00:54:07,243 "That Jew's joke really fucked with my head. 1186 00:54:07,244 --> 00:54:09,955 But that's what Jews do." 1187 00:54:13,375 --> 00:54:15,459 I've learned from doing that joke that gay men 1188 00:54:15,460 --> 00:54:19,880 don't like it for a very specific reason. 1189 00:54:19,881 --> 00:54:21,423 They don't like the association. 1190 00:54:21,424 --> 00:54:24,093 They don't like the idea that these incels 1191 00:54:24,094 --> 00:54:26,595 and these young Nazis are the way they are 1192 00:54:26,596 --> 00:54:29,306 because they're closeted or they're latent homosexuals. 1193 00:54:29,307 --> 00:54:31,475 They don't like the association. 1194 00:54:31,476 --> 00:54:35,730 And I hear them, and I get it, but I'm gonna stand by it 100%. 1195 00:54:38,066 --> 00:54:39,316 'Cause they're so gay. 1196 00:54:39,317 --> 00:54:42,027 Have you ever seen footage of a bunch of young Nazis? 1197 00:54:42,028 --> 00:54:44,113 It's like all that's missing is, like, dance music 1198 00:54:44,114 --> 00:54:47,574 and a theme of some kind, which I guess would be... 1199 00:54:47,575 --> 00:54:50,996 Nazis You know, like-- 1200 00:54:53,415 --> 00:54:55,374 An older gay guy came up to me after a show, 1201 00:54:55,375 --> 00:54:58,420 and he put it this way. He said, "We don't want 'em." 1202 00:55:02,424 --> 00:55:05,884 And I thought, uh, you do kind of, though. 1203 00:55:05,885 --> 00:55:07,011 I mean, they're so hot. 1204 00:55:07,012 --> 00:55:09,763 Have you seen some of those hot young Nazis? 1205 00:55:09,764 --> 00:55:12,475 Come on, who doesn't want to turn a Nazi? 1206 00:55:15,478 --> 00:55:19,106 Come on, old queen. You've still got game. 1207 00:55:19,107 --> 00:55:21,608 Do it for America. 1208 00:55:21,609 --> 00:55:26,114 Set them free with your cock. 1209 00:55:32,662 --> 00:55:36,749 All right, so this next bit 1210 00:55:36,750 --> 00:55:39,835 is gonna be difficult for you 1211 00:55:39,836 --> 00:55:42,046 as an audience, 1212 00:55:42,047 --> 00:55:44,631 but I just want you to know that I'm OK. 1213 00:55:44,632 --> 00:55:45,758 I can handle it. 1214 00:55:45,759 --> 00:55:49,136 I believe that I can get what I'm about to talk about 1215 00:55:49,137 --> 00:55:51,013 up to the level where it needs to be. 1216 00:55:51,014 --> 00:55:52,598 I've processed it. I'm OK. 1217 00:55:52,599 --> 00:55:53,974 So don't worry about me. 1218 00:55:53,975 --> 00:55:55,934 Whatever you do with it, that's on you. 1219 00:55:55,935 --> 00:56:00,689 But just know heading into this that I'm OK. 1220 00:56:00,690 --> 00:56:03,442 OK, trauma. 1221 00:56:03,443 --> 00:56:05,527 Now, I believe that everyone has trauma. 1222 00:56:05,528 --> 00:56:08,614 Everybody is on the spectrum of PTSD in some way. 1223 00:56:08,615 --> 00:56:11,033 And I'm a big fan of trauma therapy, 1224 00:56:11,034 --> 00:56:12,284 which is fairly new. This is-- 1225 00:56:12,285 --> 00:56:15,496 the idea of trauma therapy is where you bring up your trauma 1226 00:56:15,497 --> 00:56:17,748 into the present, and you process it 1227 00:56:17,749 --> 00:56:20,084 either through EMDR or talk therapy. 1228 00:56:20,085 --> 00:56:21,835 And the idea is you sort of disarm it, 1229 00:56:21,836 --> 00:56:23,796 you integrate it into who you are now, 1230 00:56:23,797 --> 00:56:26,382 so it's no longer repressed and constantly retriggered. 1231 00:56:26,383 --> 00:56:27,925 I think it's brilliant, 1232 00:56:27,926 --> 00:56:29,468 and I think one of the benefits of it 1233 00:56:29,469 --> 00:56:31,345 is that after you process your trauma, 1234 00:56:31,346 --> 00:56:34,598 you can decide which trauma or traumas 1235 00:56:34,599 --> 00:56:37,518 had the biggest impact on your life. 1236 00:56:37,519 --> 00:56:39,604 OK, that's the setup. 1237 00:56:45,151 --> 00:56:49,154 All right, so when I was a kid, my father was in the Air Force. 1238 00:56:49,155 --> 00:56:50,823 He was stationed up in Anchorage, Alaska, 1239 00:56:50,824 --> 00:56:53,200 for two years. I think I was six or seven. 1240 00:56:53,201 --> 00:56:55,119 My brother was probably four or five. 1241 00:56:55,120 --> 00:56:58,080 And during that time, we had a babysitter 1242 00:56:58,081 --> 00:57:01,625 who was a male babysitter, a guy, 1243 00:57:01,626 --> 00:57:05,003 and he wanted me and my brother to suck his dick. 1244 00:57:05,004 --> 00:57:07,548 I'm pretty sure I didn't do it, all right? 1245 00:57:07,549 --> 00:57:09,258 But as I get older, I'm like, 1246 00:57:09,259 --> 00:57:13,011 "How could I not have done it?" All right. 1247 00:57:13,012 --> 00:57:14,805 We told my dad about it. 1248 00:57:14,806 --> 00:57:16,849 And all I remember my dad saying, 1249 00:57:16,850 --> 00:57:18,183 it must have been a bigger conversation, 1250 00:57:18,184 --> 00:57:19,768 but all I remember him saying was, 1251 00:57:19,769 --> 00:57:21,478 "Yeah, his dad's a sergeant." 1252 00:57:21,479 --> 00:57:24,106 Now, I don't know how that's helpful, 1253 00:57:24,107 --> 00:57:26,275 and I don't know what it really meant. 1254 00:57:26,276 --> 00:57:28,777 I know it's a lot to take. 1255 00:57:28,778 --> 00:57:30,237 A couple of years later, we had moved, 1256 00:57:30,238 --> 00:57:32,114 and at this point, I'm in elementary school. 1257 00:57:32,115 --> 00:57:34,283 And I imagine most of your moms know how to fold 1258 00:57:34,284 --> 00:57:35,617 a lunch bag. It's not hard. 1259 00:57:35,618 --> 00:57:37,119 You crease it, fold it, crease it, fold it, 1260 00:57:37,120 --> 00:57:38,454 crease it again. 1261 00:57:38,455 --> 00:57:39,830 Make a little handle for your kid to take 1262 00:57:39,831 --> 00:57:41,498 to school on his lunch bag. 1263 00:57:41,499 --> 00:57:43,917 And my mom just couldn't do that. 1264 00:57:43,918 --> 00:57:47,129 She would just scrunch it up into this pillar of garbage, 1265 00:57:47,130 --> 00:57:48,964 and she would wrap my peanut butter and jelly 1266 00:57:48,965 --> 00:57:50,549 sandwiches in tinfoil, which made them 1267 00:57:50,550 --> 00:57:52,050 this gooey, fucked up mess. 1268 00:57:52,051 --> 00:57:54,261 All these other kids with their Glad sandwich bags 1269 00:57:54,262 --> 00:57:55,846 and their neatly folded lunch bags. 1270 00:57:55,847 --> 00:57:59,558 I got my trash sack. 1271 00:57:59,559 --> 00:58:01,268 And my mom thought I was a fat kid, 1272 00:58:01,269 --> 00:58:04,104 so she'd put a half a diet pill in my lunch bag. 1273 00:58:04,105 --> 00:58:06,273 Yeah, that went on for years. 1274 00:58:06,274 --> 00:58:07,399 And I'll be honest with you, 1275 00:58:07,400 --> 00:58:11,529 much worse than blowing the babysitter. 1276 00:58:17,702 --> 00:58:19,328 My mom put me in Cub Scouts. 1277 00:58:19,329 --> 00:58:20,496 Do I seem like the kind of grown man 1278 00:58:20,497 --> 00:58:23,415 that would be a good candidate for the scouts 1279 00:58:23,416 --> 00:58:25,083 as the kid you picture? 1280 00:58:25,084 --> 00:58:26,251 I don't even know why she did it. 1281 00:58:26,252 --> 00:58:27,336 I don't think she cared. 1282 00:58:27,337 --> 00:58:29,796 I think she just wanted more time to do her macramé 1283 00:58:29,797 --> 00:58:31,548 and smoke and drink Blue Nun. 1284 00:58:31,549 --> 00:58:34,343 Now, there's some parental responsibility 1285 00:58:34,344 --> 00:58:35,344 involved in Cub Scouts. 1286 00:58:35,345 --> 00:58:36,637 Your mom's got to sew the patches 1287 00:58:36,638 --> 00:58:39,348 on your little uniform and get you a little hat, 1288 00:58:39,349 --> 00:58:41,600 and there's a way to do it. It's in the manual. 1289 00:58:41,601 --> 00:58:43,352 My mom didn't read the manual. 1290 00:58:43,353 --> 00:58:45,187 She just sewed them wherever she felt like she-- 1291 00:58:45,188 --> 00:58:46,188 they looked cool. 1292 00:58:46,189 --> 00:58:47,856 I think there was one on my pants. 1293 00:58:47,857 --> 00:58:51,068 There's, like, a patch on the back of my shoulder. 1294 00:58:51,069 --> 00:58:53,571 She didn't get me a fucking hat. 1295 00:58:57,408 --> 00:59:01,328 My troop failed inspection because of me. 1296 00:59:01,329 --> 00:59:04,415 So much worse than blowing a babysitter. 1297 00:59:10,547 --> 00:59:13,131 Now, look, I don't want to trivialize 1298 00:59:13,132 --> 00:59:15,384 anyone's trauma or abuse, 1299 00:59:15,385 --> 00:59:17,177 and, you know, it's obviously horrible. 1300 00:59:17,178 --> 00:59:18,887 And who knows? Maybe in a couple of years, 1301 00:59:18,888 --> 00:59:21,181 I'll figure out that blowing the babysitter 1302 00:59:21,182 --> 00:59:24,017 is exactly why I'm the way I am. 1303 00:59:24,018 --> 00:59:27,479 And at that point, I guess I'll just quit doing stand up 1304 00:59:27,480 --> 00:59:30,567 and probably just do TED Talks. 1305 00:59:32,860 --> 00:59:38,615 Yeah, about blowing babysitters and related stuff, you know. 1306 00:59:38,616 --> 00:59:43,120 But that's not what's happening now. 1307 00:59:43,121 --> 00:59:44,413 And sometimes I wonder, you know, 1308 00:59:44,414 --> 00:59:47,374 what happened to that babysitter, you know? 1309 00:59:47,375 --> 00:59:49,167 What happened to that guy? 1310 00:59:49,168 --> 00:59:53,046 Is he somewhere up in Alaska 1311 00:59:53,047 --> 00:59:55,257 on stage in some B comedy room 1312 00:59:55,258 --> 00:59:58,344 doing his side of it? 1313 01:00:00,680 --> 01:00:02,180 Is he somewhere just standing there going, 1314 01:00:02,181 --> 01:00:05,517 "So my dad, the sarge, 1315 01:00:05,518 --> 01:00:08,145 "used to make me babysit when I was younger. 1316 01:00:08,146 --> 01:00:10,981 "What kind of guy babysits? 1317 01:00:10,982 --> 01:00:15,027 "So I just made the kids blow me. 1318 01:00:15,028 --> 01:00:16,820 "Oh, what are you too woke to laugh at that, 1319 01:00:16,821 --> 01:00:19,489 "you fucking babies? 1320 01:00:19,490 --> 01:00:21,575 "Am I gonna get canceled for my blowing 1321 01:00:21,576 --> 01:00:24,828 "the babysitter bit, you liberal pussies? 1322 01:00:24,829 --> 01:00:26,873 Fuck you." 1323 01:00:34,255 --> 01:00:39,843 My dad, the sarge, 1324 01:00:39,844 --> 01:00:43,263 taught me how to write my name in the snow with his dick. 1325 01:00:43,264 --> 01:00:45,390 Where you at, people? Too dark? 1326 01:00:45,391 --> 01:00:48,478 Is it too dark for you liberal babies? 1327 01:00:56,110 --> 01:00:57,904 My dad... 1328 01:01:00,615 --> 01:01:06,078 The sarge, used to say things like, 1329 01:01:06,079 --> 01:01:09,665 "Am I clear for landing," before he came on my back. 1330 01:01:09,666 --> 01:01:12,417 Is that the edge? Is that the edge? 1331 01:01:12,418 --> 01:01:14,878 Too dark for you little pussies? 1332 01:01:14,879 --> 01:01:17,799 You're gonna cancel me, you libtard fucks? 1333 01:01:24,180 --> 01:01:25,847 Takes everything I have not to do a full 1334 01:01:25,848 --> 01:01:28,184 one man show as that guy. 1335 01:01:30,144 --> 01:01:34,272 And, look, I... 1336 01:01:34,273 --> 01:01:36,358 I don't know where he came from 1337 01:01:36,359 --> 01:01:38,527 or why I manifested him. 1338 01:01:38,528 --> 01:01:40,862 I don't know why. 1339 01:01:40,863 --> 01:01:43,615 He's kind of an interesting character though, right? 1340 01:01:43,616 --> 01:01:45,826 It's challenging. 1341 01:01:45,827 --> 01:01:47,327 Like, at the beginning of that story, 1342 01:01:47,328 --> 01:01:50,415 you didn't think you'd have empathy for that guy, did you? 1343 01:01:55,628 --> 01:01:56,878 I'll let you off the hook a little bit. 1344 01:01:56,879 --> 01:01:59,798 So I was doing a show, 1345 01:01:59,799 --> 01:02:01,216 you know, leading up to this special. 1346 01:02:01,217 --> 01:02:05,429 I was doing a show in Vegas at a club, not a casino, 1347 01:02:05,430 --> 01:02:08,432 and, you know, I was working out that stuff, 1348 01:02:08,433 --> 01:02:10,559 and sometimes my dad's wife, Rosie, 1349 01:02:10,560 --> 01:02:12,436 drives him hundreds and hundreds of miles 1350 01:02:12,437 --> 01:02:14,980 to see me perform 'cause he gets a kick out of it. 1351 01:02:14,981 --> 01:02:17,274 And he came to see me, and, you know, 1352 01:02:17,275 --> 01:02:20,402 I was working on that bit. 1353 01:02:20,403 --> 01:02:22,988 And after the show, I was sitting 1354 01:02:22,989 --> 01:02:24,573 in the green room with him, you know, 1355 01:02:24,574 --> 01:02:28,034 just me and my demented dad, 1356 01:02:28,035 --> 01:02:29,661 and I said to him--I said, "Do you remember that? 1357 01:02:29,662 --> 01:02:32,122 Do you remember that babysitter thing?" 1358 01:02:32,123 --> 01:02:34,332 He goes, "I do." 1359 01:02:34,333 --> 01:02:40,046 And I said, "So did we blow him?" 1360 01:02:40,047 --> 01:02:42,132 And my dad said, "No, you guys didn't do that. 1361 01:02:42,133 --> 01:02:45,135 And I said, "OK, well, that's a relief." 1362 01:02:45,136 --> 01:02:47,137 And then we're just sitting there for like three minutes, 1363 01:02:47,138 --> 01:02:49,097 and I just hear my dad kind of mumble, like, 1364 01:02:49,098 --> 01:02:52,185 "His dad was a sergeant." 1365 01:02:56,147 --> 01:02:57,647 I still don't know what that means. 1366 01:02:57,648 --> 01:03:00,901 It was not really a helpful puzzle piece, 1367 01:03:00,902 --> 01:03:03,029 to be honest with you. 1368 01:03:08,075 --> 01:03:09,951 I know that bit's a lot, 1369 01:03:09,952 --> 01:03:13,623 and I'm not even sure it's necessary. 1370 01:03:17,794 --> 01:03:21,046 But, you know, you got to challenge yourself. 1371 01:03:21,047 --> 01:03:23,048 But I can lighten it up. 1372 01:03:23,049 --> 01:03:24,716 Let's cleanse the palate a little bit. 1373 01:03:24,717 --> 01:03:29,971 So my cat, Charlie, is kind of an asshole, 1374 01:03:29,972 --> 01:03:31,306 but all cats are assholes. 1375 01:03:31,307 --> 01:03:33,183 That's sort of why you get a cat. 1376 01:03:33,184 --> 01:03:34,768 You know, those people who like dogs, they're just-- 1377 01:03:34,769 --> 01:03:36,144 you know, they're just needy, 1378 01:03:36,145 --> 01:03:39,022 and, you know, cat people want a challenge. 1379 01:03:39,023 --> 01:03:40,148 They want to live with an animal 1380 01:03:40,149 --> 01:03:42,275 that they really don't know if it likes them at all 1381 01:03:42,276 --> 01:03:44,236 for as long as that animal lives, 1382 01:03:44,237 --> 01:03:47,781 and I think all cats are assholes at the beginning, 1383 01:03:47,782 --> 01:03:49,199 but that's-- you know, you like them. 1384 01:03:49,200 --> 01:03:51,743 At first you're sort of like, "This fucking asshole." 1385 01:03:51,744 --> 01:03:53,370 And then within like six months, 1386 01:03:53,371 --> 01:03:55,330 you're like, "Aw, look at the asshole." 1387 01:03:55,331 --> 01:03:58,208 You know, so 1388 01:03:58,209 --> 01:03:59,751 I had kind of a deep moment, 1389 01:03:59,752 --> 01:04:01,628 kind of a life changing moment with Charlie, 1390 01:04:01,629 --> 01:04:03,588 and I want to share it with you. 1391 01:04:03,589 --> 01:04:07,092 So I like to play with the scrunchy ball with Charlie. 1392 01:04:07,093 --> 01:04:08,468 It's a little scrunchy ball, and I'll throw it, 1393 01:04:08,469 --> 01:04:10,178 and he'll go play with it. Sometimes he'll fetch it. 1394 01:04:10,179 --> 01:04:11,847 Smart cat. I enjoy-- 1395 01:04:11,848 --> 01:04:14,808 I like to watch Charlie play with the ball. 1396 01:04:14,809 --> 01:04:16,893 But it doesn't matter where I play with that ball 1397 01:04:16,894 --> 01:04:18,270 in my house, upstairs or downstairs. 1398 01:04:18,271 --> 01:04:19,271 Within four minutes, 1399 01:04:19,272 --> 01:04:20,605 it's gonna end up under the stove. 1400 01:04:20,606 --> 01:04:24,025 I don't see it happen, but all scrunchy balls 1401 01:04:24,026 --> 01:04:26,611 will end up under the stove. 1402 01:04:26,612 --> 01:04:31,032 So, recently, I was on my knees with a broom handle 1403 01:04:31,033 --> 01:04:32,617 trying to get a scrunchy ball out. 1404 01:04:32,618 --> 01:04:34,119 I got my iPhone light. 1405 01:04:34,120 --> 01:04:35,620 I'm trying to get a scrunchy ball out 1406 01:04:35,621 --> 01:04:36,913 from under the stove, and I noticed Charlie's 1407 01:04:36,914 --> 01:04:38,957 just sitting there, and I realized, oh, shit, 1408 01:04:38,958 --> 01:04:42,044 he likes to watch me play with the ball. 1409 01:04:46,966 --> 01:04:51,137 This whole thing's been a setup all along. 1410 01:04:54,181 --> 01:04:56,349 OK, I have to set up a sound cue 1411 01:04:56,350 --> 01:05:00,145 on my phone for this last bit. 1412 01:05:00,146 --> 01:05:01,354 Sound guys are always like, "You know, 1413 01:05:01,355 --> 01:05:03,106 we can do it from the board." I'm like, "No, no, no. 1414 01:05:03,107 --> 01:05:06,151 Me and my phone have a thing." 1415 01:05:06,152 --> 01:05:08,445 I think my phone is my primary emotional partner, 1416 01:05:08,446 --> 01:05:11,072 to be honest with you. Right? 1417 01:05:11,073 --> 01:05:12,407 'Cause if you scroll on your phone, 1418 01:05:12,408 --> 01:05:14,826 you get everything you need. You know? 1419 01:05:14,827 --> 01:05:16,995 You get laughs. You learn things. 1420 01:05:16,996 --> 01:05:20,957 Sometimes you cry. Sometimes it's just moving. 1421 01:05:20,958 --> 01:05:24,085 You know, you feel understood and seen. 1422 01:05:24,086 --> 01:05:25,295 You know, all the things you should be getting 1423 01:05:25,296 --> 01:05:27,422 from your human partner who's sitting 1424 01:05:27,423 --> 01:05:31,092 across from you on their phone. 1425 01:05:31,093 --> 01:05:32,427 You check in with them like, 1426 01:05:32,428 --> 01:05:34,763 you know, "What are you laughing at?" 1427 01:05:34,764 --> 01:05:38,434 And they'll say, "I'll text it to you." 1428 01:05:43,439 --> 01:05:46,316 So I like to exercise because there's some part 1429 01:05:46,317 --> 01:05:47,692 of me that wants to live, 1430 01:05:47,693 --> 01:05:52,614 and I was doing this hike for a while. 1431 01:05:52,615 --> 01:05:54,866 I--It was a pretty hard hike, and I was doing it, like, 1432 01:05:54,867 --> 01:05:56,618 two or three times a week, 1433 01:05:56,619 --> 01:05:58,453 and it's a straight up hike. 1434 01:05:58,454 --> 01:06:01,873 It's, like, a steep incline for, like, 50 minutes, 1435 01:06:01,874 --> 01:06:03,166 and then you get to the top, 1436 01:06:03,167 --> 01:06:05,335 and you can kind of, you know, run or walk down. 1437 01:06:05,336 --> 01:06:08,672 And I did it not too long ago, and I got to the top, 1438 01:06:08,673 --> 01:06:11,007 and I just passed out. 1439 01:06:11,008 --> 01:06:12,842 I was by myself, and I passed out. 1440 01:06:12,843 --> 01:06:14,427 It was kind of scary. 1441 01:06:14,428 --> 01:06:18,264 But I'm gonna look at it as a near-death experience, 1442 01:06:18,265 --> 01:06:20,308 and I'll explain why. 1443 01:06:20,309 --> 01:06:23,103 Now, generally when I get to the top, 1444 01:06:23,104 --> 01:06:24,479 I do two stretches. 1445 01:06:24,480 --> 01:06:27,273 Like, I'll do like this one, which I think is called 1446 01:06:27,274 --> 01:06:29,609 the old Asian lady squat. 1447 01:06:29,610 --> 01:06:30,777 I think it's really called that. 1448 01:06:30,778 --> 01:06:33,279 I'm not making it racial just because. 1449 01:06:33,280 --> 01:06:36,366 But--and I think if you go to Chinatown and go to a park, 1450 01:06:36,367 --> 01:06:40,328 you will see at least four or five 87 to 104-year-old 1451 01:06:40,329 --> 01:06:43,415 Asian women sitting like this. 1452 01:06:43,416 --> 01:06:44,791 And then you'll have a moment where you're like, 1453 01:06:44,792 --> 01:06:46,877 "Holy shit, Marc is relevant." 1454 01:06:50,464 --> 01:06:52,173 Then from this stretch, I usually go 1455 01:06:52,174 --> 01:06:56,720 straight up into, like, a full-body stretch like that. 1456 01:06:56,721 --> 01:06:58,722 And for years in the middle of that stretch, 1457 01:06:58,723 --> 01:07:00,390 I've said to myself, "It's amazing 1458 01:07:00,391 --> 01:07:02,476 I haven't passed out." 1459 01:07:04,103 --> 01:07:05,729 But I'm a recovering drug addict, 1460 01:07:05,730 --> 01:07:06,896 so you get it where you can. 1461 01:07:06,897 --> 01:07:11,109 You know, you find those little edges in life to push it. 1462 01:07:11,110 --> 01:07:14,070 But I did pass out on this one particular time. 1463 01:07:14,071 --> 01:07:16,614 And a little backstory. 1464 01:07:16,615 --> 01:07:18,992 Well, a lot of you know already that several years ago, 1465 01:07:18,993 --> 01:07:22,620 my partner, Lynn, passed away tragically and very quickly. 1466 01:07:22,621 --> 01:07:24,581 And the interesting thing, or the sad thing, 1467 01:07:24,582 --> 01:07:27,667 but interesting mostly about grief 1468 01:07:27,668 --> 01:07:30,628 is that when you're in it at the beginning, 1469 01:07:30,629 --> 01:07:31,880 it's all consuming. 1470 01:07:31,881 --> 01:07:34,049 It takes over your mind, your heart, your spirit, 1471 01:07:34,050 --> 01:07:36,593 and you can't stop it, 1472 01:07:36,594 --> 01:07:38,470 and you don't know if it will ever go away, 1473 01:07:38,471 --> 01:07:40,847 and it's just horrendous. 1474 01:07:40,848 --> 01:07:42,724 And it doesn't go away, but eventually 1475 01:07:42,725 --> 01:07:44,476 it kind of integrates, and you live with it. 1476 01:07:44,477 --> 01:07:46,478 I think everybody lives with grief. 1477 01:07:46,479 --> 01:07:47,687 And the interesting thing about grief 1478 01:07:47,688 --> 01:07:50,440 is, like, it can be triggered by, like, a smell 1479 01:07:50,441 --> 01:07:52,567 or a food or, like, a song, 1480 01:07:52,568 --> 01:07:55,361 even if it's not attached to the person that you lost. 1481 01:07:55,362 --> 01:07:57,614 For some reason, some things will just trigger the grief. 1482 01:07:57,615 --> 01:08:00,241 And usually when it happens to me, I'll let it come up, 1483 01:08:00,242 --> 01:08:02,410 because, you know, why not feel it? 1484 01:08:02,411 --> 01:08:03,828 It reconnects you with that person, 1485 01:08:03,829 --> 01:08:06,915 and, you know, it's part of who you are. 1486 01:08:06,916 --> 01:08:10,126 OK, so when I was driving to this hike 1487 01:08:10,127 --> 01:08:12,253 the day I passed out, I'm in my car, 1488 01:08:12,254 --> 01:08:13,630 and I'm wondering, like, you know, like, 1489 01:08:13,631 --> 01:08:16,342 why is Taylor Swift so popular? 1490 01:08:18,594 --> 01:08:19,886 And then part of my brain is like, 1491 01:08:19,887 --> 01:08:21,346 "Well, just--why don't you just listen to some?" 1492 01:08:21,347 --> 01:08:22,430 I'm like, "I'm not doing that." 1493 01:08:22,431 --> 01:08:26,142 You know? But then I realized, like, 1494 01:08:26,143 --> 01:08:27,602 I'm a, you know, open-minded guy. 1495 01:08:27,603 --> 01:08:31,314 So I downloaded "Midnights," which, yeah, 1496 01:08:31,315 --> 01:08:32,732 which was the album at the time, 1497 01:08:32,733 --> 01:08:35,235 and so I'm hiking, you know, I'm just hiking, 1498 01:08:35,236 --> 01:08:39,030 and I'm listening to Taylor Swift. 1499 01:08:39,031 --> 01:08:40,657 And I'm thinking, like, well, this is OK. 1500 01:08:40,658 --> 01:08:42,700 I mean, I get it, it's good pop music. 1501 01:08:42,701 --> 01:08:44,619 I understand why she's popular. 1502 01:08:44,620 --> 01:08:48,039 You know, it's not for me, but I get it, 1503 01:08:48,040 --> 01:08:50,500 and I'll probably never listen to this album again, 1504 01:08:50,501 --> 01:08:55,171 but I'm glad I know why Taylor Swift is popular. 1505 01:08:55,172 --> 01:08:57,090 And then about halfway up the mountain, 1506 01:08:57,091 --> 01:08:59,260 this song comes on. All right, shh, shh, shh. 1507 01:09:01,262 --> 01:09:03,180 Shh. 1508 01:09:06,267 --> 01:09:09,060 <i>No words appear</i> 1509 01:09:09,061 --> 01:09:13,064 <i>Before me in the aftermath</i> 1510 01:09:13,065 --> 01:09:17,735 It's already sad. 1511 01:09:17,736 --> 01:09:20,655 <i>Salt streams out</i> 1512 01:09:20,656 --> 01:09:23,741 <i>My eyes and into my ears</i> 1513 01:09:23,742 --> 01:09:26,452 She's crying, you guys. 1514 01:09:26,453 --> 01:09:28,788 Hold on, hold on. Listen to this line. 1515 01:09:28,789 --> 01:09:32,083 <i>Every single thing I touch</i> 1516 01:09:32,084 --> 01:09:35,461 <i>Becomes sick with sadness</i> 1517 01:09:35,462 --> 01:09:39,716 What the fuck? 1518 01:09:39,717 --> 01:09:43,178 <i>- Because it's all over</i> - It's all over. 1519 01:09:43,179 --> 01:09:46,014 <i>All out to sea</i> 1520 01:09:46,015 --> 01:09:48,224 It's all out to sea. 1521 01:09:48,225 --> 01:09:51,270 Shh, here--oh, here come the three goodbyes. 1522 01:09:53,022 --> 01:09:55,190 <i>Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye</i> 1523 01:09:55,191 --> 01:09:57,151 Oh, my God! 1524 01:10:02,323 --> 01:10:05,408 So now I'm crying. I'm audibly crying. 1525 01:10:05,409 --> 01:10:08,453 I'm hiking up the hill, and I'm sobbing out loud. 1526 01:10:08,454 --> 01:10:09,746 But I just put it on repeat 1527 01:10:09,747 --> 01:10:12,665 'cause I want to feel the feels. 1528 01:10:12,666 --> 01:10:14,083 So I'm just hiking, and I'm going... 1529 01:10:14,084 --> 01:10:16,169 "Oh, God, this is terrible." 1530 01:10:16,170 --> 01:10:18,421 And then I bend down. I'm like, "Oh, no." 1531 01:10:18,422 --> 01:10:20,506 And then I go up and I'm like, "Oh, fuck." 1532 01:10:20,507 --> 01:10:22,593 And I just-- 1533 01:10:25,179 --> 01:10:27,055 I go down. 1534 01:10:27,056 --> 01:10:28,890 I just black out. 1535 01:10:28,891 --> 01:10:31,100 And I don't know if you've ever blacked out before, 1536 01:10:31,101 --> 01:10:33,144 but when you do, nothing is happening. 1537 01:10:33,145 --> 01:10:34,229 Nothing. 1538 01:10:34,230 --> 01:10:36,231 If you didn't wake up, you wouldn't be the wiser. 1539 01:10:36,232 --> 01:10:38,983 It'd just be gone. Nothing is happening. 1540 01:10:38,984 --> 01:10:40,026 But I woke up. 1541 01:10:40,027 --> 01:10:41,736 My head--my face was, like, on the ground. 1542 01:10:41,737 --> 01:10:43,446 Had a little pebble stuck to my face. 1543 01:10:43,447 --> 01:10:45,156 I was bleeding. She's going... 1544 01:10:45,157 --> 01:10:47,033 Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye 1545 01:10:47,034 --> 01:10:48,160 You know. 1546 01:10:53,666 --> 01:10:55,375 So, you know, I realized what happened. 1547 01:10:55,376 --> 01:10:57,126 I get it together, I brush myself off, 1548 01:10:57,127 --> 01:10:58,211 I drink some water. 1549 01:10:58,212 --> 01:11:01,130 I don't exactly know why I passed out, but I feel OK. 1550 01:11:01,131 --> 01:11:03,383 And I had this very deep realization, 1551 01:11:03,384 --> 01:11:04,467 this feeling. 1552 01:11:04,468 --> 01:11:06,386 I just thought in that moment, 1553 01:11:06,387 --> 01:11:10,348 like, I'm not afraid to die anymore 1554 01:11:10,349 --> 01:11:12,016 because there's just nothing. I'm just-- 1555 01:11:12,017 --> 01:11:13,309 you know, I don't think-- 1556 01:11:13,310 --> 01:11:16,938 I'm not afraid to die anymore as long as it happens quickly 1557 01:11:16,939 --> 01:11:19,024 and I have time to put that song on. 1558 01:11:22,569 --> 01:11:24,488 Thanks a lot. 1559 01:11:25,305 --> 01:12:25,245 Do you want subtitles for any video? -=[ ai.OpenSubtitles.com ]=-