"It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" Overage Drinking: A National Concern

1 00:00:10,067 --> 00:00:12,803 -[Mac] They are really going at it. -[Dee] Lot of tongue. 2 00:00:12,903 --> 00:00:14,470 [Dennis] Too much tongue. 3 00:00:14,570 --> 00:00:16,439 I think it's kind of weird that we're watching them, right? 4 00:00:16,539 --> 00:00:18,441 Well, it's hot. I think it'd be weird if we didn't watch them. 5 00:00:18,541 --> 00:00:21,111 They are super young though. 6 00:00:21,210 --> 00:00:24,213 -[Dennis] Yeah. -In fact, everybody here is super young. 7 00:00:25,214 --> 00:00:27,050 -[Dee] Oh, goddamn. -Oh, come on. 8 00:00:27,383 --> 00:00:30,252 -Hey, are you 21? -Yeah, what does it look like? 9 00:00:30,352 --> 00:00:31,620 Yeah, fuck off, grandpa. 10 00:00:31,722 --> 00:00:33,190 -[Dee gasps] -[Mac] Oh. 11 00:00:33,656 --> 00:00:35,391 -The mouth on him. -[Dennis] I mean... 12 00:00:35,491 --> 00:00:36,659 -[Dee] Heinous. -Wait a second. 13 00:00:36,760 --> 00:00:38,128 Didn't we, like, just deal with this? 14 00:00:38,227 --> 00:00:39,896 [Dee] We just dealt with something like this. 15 00:00:39,996 --> 00:00:41,064 -We did, right? -Not long ago. 16 00:00:41,164 --> 00:00:42,298 All right, let's kick 'em out. 17 00:00:42,398 --> 00:00:44,134 -Goddamn it, Son. -[son] Shit. 18 00:00:44,233 --> 00:00:45,902 -Oh, my God. -[parent] I can't believe you're in a bar. 19 00:00:46,002 --> 00:00:47,804 [parent 2] You are in so much trouble. 20 00:00:47,904 --> 00:00:49,638 How many times do we have to tell you to stay away from her? 21 00:00:49,740 --> 00:00:51,141 We're in love. 22 00:00:51,273 --> 00:00:52,776 Yeah, and there's nothing you can do about it. 23 00:00:52,876 --> 00:00:56,312 -[Mac] Ooh. -Oh, my God. That was riveting. 24 00:00:56,412 --> 00:00:58,581 [Dee] Yeah, turned into a real Romeo and Juliet thing, 25 00:00:58,681 --> 00:00:59,950 -didn't it? -Yeah. 26 00:01:00,050 --> 00:01:01,584 [parent 1] I don't know what to do with him. 27 00:01:01,684 --> 00:01:03,252 -He's gotta stop drinking. -[Dennis] Hey, guys. 28 00:01:03,787 --> 00:01:05,554 You guys look familiar. 29 00:01:06,422 --> 00:01:07,423 Yeah, you do too. 30 00:01:07,858 --> 00:01:10,426 Hang on a second. What are your names? 31 00:01:10,526 --> 00:01:12,294 I'm Trey. This is Tammy. 32 00:01:14,396 --> 00:01:19,301 Oh, shit. This is classic Tammy. 33 00:01:21,000 --> 00:01:27,074 34 00:01:43,626 --> 00:01:45,862 -[all speak indistinctly] -[Dennis] Exactly. 35 00:01:45,962 --> 00:01:47,964 [Charlie whispering] Trey and Tammy were lovers in high school, 36 00:01:48,064 --> 00:01:49,900 but she wanted to make Trey jealous by flirting with Dennis. 37 00:01:50,000 --> 00:01:51,802 Dee tried to bang Trey, but he was only using her 38 00:01:51,902 --> 00:01:53,236 to get back at Tammy and it worked. 39 00:01:53,335 --> 00:01:54,838 They slept together on their prom night. 40 00:01:54,938 --> 00:01:56,539 They had a baby that they named Trey Jr. 41 00:01:56,639 --> 00:01:58,909 Trey Jr.'s in love with that girl named Kerry Bitaberry, 42 00:01:59,009 --> 00:02:00,676 but Trey and Tammy hate Kerry Bitaberry 43 00:02:00,777 --> 00:02:02,813 because the Bitaberry family is trash, which they are. 44 00:02:02,913 --> 00:02:05,414 Dennis and Dee are, like, super obsessed with Trey and Tammy still. 45 00:02:05,514 --> 00:02:06,983 I can pretty much tell by their body language. 46 00:02:07,083 --> 00:02:09,019 I think they're gonna try to bang them. 47 00:02:10,419 --> 00:02:13,156 Huh? Did you say something? I wasn't listening. 48 00:02:13,256 --> 00:02:14,925 [whispering] Oh, yeah. That's Trey and Tammy. 49 00:02:15,025 --> 00:02:17,093 They were lovers in high school. Tammy tried to bang-- 50 00:02:17,194 --> 00:02:20,764 Dude, I don't give a flying fuck about any of this gossipy bullshit. 51 00:02:20,864 --> 00:02:23,900 -You're not into teen drama? -No, because I am an adult. 52 00:02:24,000 --> 00:02:28,171 And I like adult stories, like a sexual psychological thriller, you know? 53 00:02:28,271 --> 00:02:29,338 This has no weight to it. 54 00:02:29,706 --> 00:02:31,208 Well, this has been fun catching up. 55 00:02:31,308 --> 00:02:32,876 -[Dee] Yeah. -We're done? Okay. 56 00:02:32,976 --> 00:02:35,078 Yeah. Yeah, you know, we should do this more often. 57 00:02:35,178 --> 00:02:37,948 It's so hard to believe we haven't seen each other since high school. 58 00:02:38,048 --> 00:02:40,183 -Yeah. -Well, since we were in high school. 59 00:02:40,616 --> 00:02:42,418 You were 30. 60 00:02:42,518 --> 00:02:44,955 Okay. Well, let's not do that, you know? Time's all in your head, Tammy. 61 00:02:45,354 --> 00:02:47,057 And in your ass, apparently. 62 00:02:49,292 --> 00:02:51,427 -She's just making a joke. You look great. -It's true. 63 00:02:51,527 --> 00:02:53,763 Well, if our son ever comes back in here again, 64 00:02:53,864 --> 00:02:56,733 can you please send him home? Or at least not sell him alcohol? 65 00:02:56,833 --> 00:03:00,536 Speaking of which. I assume you will be picking up the tab, yeah? 66 00:03:00,636 --> 00:03:03,639 'Cause they kind of hustled out of here and you are legal guardians. 67 00:03:03,740 --> 00:03:05,308 Yeah. I actually think that's a law. 68 00:03:05,407 --> 00:03:07,744 I think you have to pick up your child's tab if... 69 00:03:08,377 --> 00:03:10,446 Here. Let's go. 70 00:03:10,546 --> 00:03:11,948 -You gave him way too much-- Okay. -Now. 71 00:03:12,048 --> 00:03:13,717 Oh, man. 72 00:03:13,817 --> 00:03:16,385 -What a trip down memory lane, huh? -[door opens, closes] 73 00:03:16,485 --> 00:03:18,822 -Trey looks good. -Yeah, so does Tammy. 74 00:03:18,922 --> 00:03:21,324 Yeah, sometimes I feel like she might be the one that got away. 75 00:03:21,423 --> 00:03:23,960 Hey, did you sense something off between them? 76 00:03:24,060 --> 00:03:26,129 Something was off, right? It was all in the body language. 77 00:03:26,229 --> 00:03:27,764 Yeah, there was a strain there, right? Right? 78 00:03:27,864 --> 00:03:30,566 There was a strain there. God, that's hot. 79 00:03:30,666 --> 00:03:33,904 -Is it? -Married, forbidden lust. 80 00:03:34,004 --> 00:03:35,504 -Uh-huh. -Ooh. 81 00:03:35,604 --> 00:03:37,807 I bet those two are just screaming for some strange. 82 00:03:37,908 --> 00:03:39,309 Yeah. 83 00:03:39,408 --> 00:03:41,111 [Charlie] This is classic Dee and Dennis stuff. 84 00:03:41,211 --> 00:03:42,846 I think they're gonna try to sleep with those two people 85 00:03:42,946 --> 00:03:44,480 that don't want to sleep with them at all. 86 00:03:44,580 --> 00:03:46,182 It's probably gonna wind up in a rape or a murder. 87 00:03:46,283 --> 00:03:47,250 What? 88 00:03:47,350 --> 00:03:48,651 Jesus Christ, man. 89 00:03:48,752 --> 00:03:50,153 You know we can hear you? I would never do that. 90 00:03:50,253 --> 00:03:51,755 -Well... -[sighs] Don't tell her though. 91 00:03:52,255 --> 00:03:54,357 [♪ jovial music] 92 00:03:56,558 --> 00:03:58,661 [Dee] This is very exciting. I got a couple of bits planned, 93 00:03:58,762 --> 00:04:00,663 -so just let me do my thing. -Oh, you... Don't do bits. 94 00:04:00,764 --> 00:04:02,165 No, no. Trust me. 95 00:04:02,265 --> 00:04:04,034 Dee, I think let's throw 'em off the scent at first. 96 00:04:04,134 --> 00:04:06,036 -I don't see how that's gonna be possible -[bell rings] 97 00:04:06,136 --> 00:04:08,171 -with all that cologne you're wearing. -That's actually not a cologne. 98 00:04:08,271 --> 00:04:10,774 No, that's a pheromone serum I heard about on Rogan. Super cool, man. 99 00:04:10,874 --> 00:04:13,810 It's like testicular fluid from, like, a bull's prostate or something like that. 100 00:04:13,910 --> 00:04:16,112 I know it sounds strange, but it's scientifically proven 101 00:04:16,212 --> 00:04:18,715 to intimidate males and drive females wild. 102 00:04:19,282 --> 00:04:20,582 Human females? 103 00:04:21,450 --> 00:04:22,886 Focus, Dee. Stop. All right, listen. 104 00:04:23,320 --> 00:04:25,621 Listen, once we get in there, let's split off by gender, okay? 105 00:04:25,722 --> 00:04:28,191 I'll have a man-to-man talk with Trey, and you do, I don't know, 106 00:04:28,291 --> 00:04:30,559 whatever it is that you females do when you're alone with each other. 107 00:04:30,659 --> 00:04:33,029 And then let's find an excuse to split off again-- 108 00:04:33,129 --> 00:04:35,732 -Uh, take a shit. -Too gross. 109 00:04:35,832 --> 00:04:37,533 Well, it's... A shit is all I can think about. 110 00:04:37,633 --> 00:04:40,337 It's overwhelming, the smell that's coming off of you. 111 00:04:40,437 --> 00:04:41,905 The smell isn't coming off right to you. 112 00:04:42,005 --> 00:04:44,074 It's a pheromonal thing because you're my sister, okay? 113 00:04:44,174 --> 00:04:46,376 If it was working on you, then we'd have a real problem, 114 00:04:46,475 --> 00:04:48,078 -wouldn't we? -That would be bad. All right. 115 00:04:48,610 --> 00:04:51,848 -Hey, Tammy. Hi. -Tammy, we were just in the neighborhood, 116 00:04:51,948 --> 00:04:53,917 so we thought we'd just swing by and say hi. 117 00:04:54,017 --> 00:04:55,752 -Yeah. -Oh. Hello. 118 00:04:57,486 --> 00:04:58,989 Are you expecting somebody else? 119 00:04:59,089 --> 00:05:01,490 No, no. I was just wondering what that smell was. 120 00:05:01,590 --> 00:05:05,095 -Oh. -I guess the lawn got fertilized. So... 121 00:05:05,195 --> 00:05:06,429 Oh. 122 00:05:06,528 --> 00:05:08,398 No, I think maybe, you're... 123 00:05:08,497 --> 00:05:11,167 Maybe you're smelling a cool spring breeze? 124 00:05:11,267 --> 00:05:12,902 Perhaps some freshly hung laundry. 125 00:05:13,003 --> 00:05:14,871 Did one of you step in dog shit? 126 00:05:17,841 --> 00:05:20,043 -I don't think so. -I know I didn't. 127 00:05:20,676 --> 00:05:24,280 Okay, well, come on in. Take your shoes off. 128 00:05:24,680 --> 00:05:26,648 -[Tammy] Jesus. -No problem. 129 00:05:27,283 --> 00:05:29,119 Don't. Just don't. 130 00:05:30,020 --> 00:05:32,122 [♪ jovial music] 131 00:05:34,523 --> 00:05:35,959 [door opens] 132 00:05:36,059 --> 00:05:37,593 Hey, dude. All right. Thanks for coming over, man. 133 00:05:37,694 --> 00:05:39,362 [groans] I need your help with something. 134 00:05:39,829 --> 00:05:41,398 -[sighs] -Okay, w... [sniffs] 135 00:05:41,865 --> 00:05:45,435 That smell. Has Dennis been here? I feel both intimidated and aroused. 136 00:05:45,534 --> 00:05:46,936 Know what that is? That's the old piss cans. 137 00:05:47,037 --> 00:05:48,371 I haven't changed them in, like, forever. 138 00:05:48,471 --> 00:05:49,773 Is that why you asked me over here? 139 00:05:49,873 --> 00:05:51,708 No. Look, remember when you said, like, 140 00:05:52,075 --> 00:05:54,978 you wanted, like, a sexual psychological thriller thing? 141 00:05:55,078 --> 00:05:56,713 You were more into those kind of stories. 142 00:05:56,813 --> 00:05:58,281 You wanna sink your teeth into something like that, 143 00:05:58,381 --> 00:06:00,083 you know what I mean? I got something for you. 144 00:06:00,183 --> 00:06:01,451 I'm listening. 145 00:06:01,550 --> 00:06:02,786 All right, take a look around this place. 146 00:06:02,886 --> 00:06:04,954 Something's missing. What is it? 147 00:06:05,055 --> 00:06:07,891 -A vacuum. -Stop. Come on, man. Be serious. 148 00:06:07,991 --> 00:06:11,660 I am dead serious. Buddy, how... I don't get it. 149 00:06:11,761 --> 00:06:14,330 I mean, how can you be so obsessed with cleaning the bar 150 00:06:14,431 --> 00:06:16,066 and yet you live in all this piss and shit? 151 00:06:16,166 --> 00:06:17,801 Dude, it's Frank. 152 00:06:17,901 --> 00:06:20,070 -It's both of you. -Will you stop? It's Frank that's missing. 153 00:06:20,170 --> 00:06:22,571 Well, how is that a psychological sex thriller? 154 00:06:22,671 --> 00:06:25,175 Well, I don't know what it is, but it's strange, you know what I mean? 155 00:06:25,275 --> 00:06:26,810 Like, he didn't come home last night. 156 00:06:26,910 --> 00:06:28,311 He hasn't been at the bar recently. 157 00:06:28,411 --> 00:06:30,513 Like some of his stuff's missing, you know? 158 00:06:30,612 --> 00:06:33,083 I keep finding these, like, weird piles of hair everywhere. 159 00:06:33,183 --> 00:06:35,018 The piles of hair could be from any one 160 00:06:35,118 --> 00:06:37,253 of the wild animals that probably lives here. 161 00:06:37,353 --> 00:06:39,089 Well, you gotta admit it's kind of strange. 162 00:06:39,189 --> 00:06:41,458 Well, I'm not exactly thrilled, so it's not a thriller. 163 00:06:41,558 --> 00:06:44,160 But it is a mystery, I'll give you that. Okay, I'll bite. 164 00:06:44,260 --> 00:06:46,162 Where do you and Frank go when you're not together? 165 00:06:46,262 --> 00:06:48,798 Well, if we're not together, we don't go anywhere. 166 00:06:48,898 --> 00:06:51,568 -Well, right now you're not together. -Well, I'm here. 167 00:06:52,268 --> 00:06:53,703 I recognize where you are. 168 00:06:53,803 --> 00:06:56,005 What we're trying to do is find out where Frank is. 169 00:06:56,106 --> 00:06:57,941 -Oh. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. -Okay. 170 00:06:58,041 --> 00:06:59,576 Uh, he could be anywhere, you know? 171 00:06:59,675 --> 00:07:01,177 He could go under the bridge. He goes there a lot. 172 00:07:01,277 --> 00:07:03,346 -All right, we're getting somewhere. -Yeah. 173 00:07:03,446 --> 00:07:05,681 -Okay, I guess we gotta go... -Check under the bridge. All right, cool. 174 00:07:05,782 --> 00:07:07,150 Yeah, you see? You're pretty good at this. 175 00:07:07,250 --> 00:07:09,685 -That rules out anything sexy. -Yeah. 176 00:07:09,786 --> 00:07:12,155 -Yeah. Okay, let's go. -All right. 177 00:07:17,227 --> 00:07:18,795 There he is. 178 00:07:18,895 --> 00:07:20,230 I thought you were taking a shit. 179 00:07:20,330 --> 00:07:22,866 No. Come on, don't be silly. 180 00:07:22,966 --> 00:07:26,369 It's just the excuse I made to sort of peel off and be alone with you. 181 00:07:26,469 --> 00:07:28,171 You were in the bathroom for, like, 20 minutes. 182 00:07:28,938 --> 00:07:33,309 Yeah, I took a shit. But you know what? That's your fault, mister. 183 00:07:33,409 --> 00:07:37,013 Because you get things moving inside me, you know? 184 00:07:37,914 --> 00:07:39,716 -That's kind of gross. -Okay. 185 00:07:39,816 --> 00:07:43,219 Listen, I'm trying to take a shot here, but you're making it hard. 186 00:07:43,319 --> 00:07:44,988 Take a shot with what? 187 00:07:45,088 --> 00:07:49,559 Like a suburban married drama, you know? A little infidelity. 188 00:07:49,658 --> 00:07:51,294 Okay. Look... 189 00:07:55,165 --> 00:07:59,936 If I'm being honest, uh, things aren't great between me and Tammy, 190 00:08:00,036 --> 00:08:02,238 -Ooh. -like sexually-wise right now. 191 00:08:02,338 --> 00:08:05,408 Maybe spicing things up in the bedroom might help. 192 00:08:05,508 --> 00:08:08,411 Yes. Okay, now you're talking. 193 00:08:08,511 --> 00:08:12,115 Okay. All right, let me finish up this laundry and then we can slip out of here. 194 00:08:13,349 --> 00:08:14,751 You always do the laundry? 195 00:08:14,851 --> 00:08:17,187 Yeah, and Tammy gets pissed if I do it half-assed. 196 00:08:17,287 --> 00:08:18,687 But I told her that I'd pick some things up 197 00:08:18,788 --> 00:08:21,558 at the supermarket after I walk the dogs. 198 00:08:21,658 --> 00:08:23,626 So, I could sneak out after lunch. 199 00:08:23,726 --> 00:08:25,929 So you do the grocery shopping, and you walk the dogs too? 200 00:08:26,029 --> 00:08:27,597 -And the laundry? -I do, yeah. Yeah. 201 00:08:27,697 --> 00:08:29,265 -Do you do the dishes? -I do. 202 00:08:29,365 --> 00:08:31,100 Tammy makes all the money, I don't know what to tell you. 203 00:08:31,201 --> 00:08:33,536 But like, I got some things on the side. 204 00:08:33,636 --> 00:08:36,139 I've been killing it at fantasy football. 205 00:08:36,506 --> 00:08:37,807 I gotta take a shit. 206 00:08:41,377 --> 00:08:43,580 -Tammy, Tammy, Tammy. -[chuckles] 207 00:08:43,680 --> 00:08:46,482 It's so great to be alone finally, isn't it? 208 00:08:46,583 --> 00:08:48,551 God, I swear there's a dead animal in here somewhere. 209 00:08:48,651 --> 00:08:49,953 There's no dead animal in here. 210 00:08:50,053 --> 00:08:51,287 Might have to fumigate the entire house. 211 00:08:51,387 --> 00:08:53,056 Enough with the smells. Let's... 212 00:08:53,656 --> 00:08:55,291 Let's focus on the feelings. 213 00:08:55,391 --> 00:08:57,126 The feelings? 214 00:08:57,227 --> 00:08:59,128 Yeah, well, you're feeling trapped. You're feeling depressed. 215 00:08:59,229 --> 00:09:03,132 Life used to be so exciting, and now it's dull and dreary. 216 00:09:03,233 --> 00:09:05,335 Well, being married isn't the easiest thing in the world. 217 00:09:05,435 --> 00:09:09,439 I can only imagine. I wouldn't know though. 218 00:09:09,539 --> 00:09:13,843 Yeah, I live free. Like a wild beast. 219 00:09:13,943 --> 00:09:15,311 Okay. 220 00:09:15,411 --> 00:09:17,347 Maybe Trey's gotten a little bit too complacent. 221 00:09:17,447 --> 00:09:22,085 Maybe old Tammy needs to take a page out of young Tammy's notebook. 222 00:09:22,552 --> 00:09:24,020 What are you talking about? 223 00:09:24,120 --> 00:09:26,356 Let's bang and make Trey jealous. 224 00:09:27,290 --> 00:09:28,758 [scoffs] 225 00:09:28,858 --> 00:09:31,294 Oh, God. That's what this is about? 226 00:09:32,028 --> 00:09:33,263 Yeah. 227 00:09:33,363 --> 00:09:34,897 I'm not gonna bang you. 228 00:09:36,099 --> 00:09:37,600 -Well... -Uh-uh. 229 00:09:49,612 --> 00:09:50,947 I have to take a shit. 230 00:09:51,814 --> 00:09:53,616 [Dennis sighs] 231 00:09:53,717 --> 00:09:55,518 -Trey's a pussy. I couldn't do it. -Yeah, I couldn't do it either. 232 00:09:55,618 --> 00:09:57,954 Tammy was all over me, but I found the whole thing boring. 233 00:09:58,054 --> 00:09:59,689 You know why? Because it's adult drama. 234 00:09:59,789 --> 00:10:01,291 That's why it's boring. 235 00:10:01,391 --> 00:10:03,359 Teen drama is exciting 'cause everything's brand-new. 236 00:10:03,459 --> 00:10:06,496 Adult stuff's just the same thing over and over and over and over. 237 00:10:06,596 --> 00:10:08,331 Yeah. See, teen drama's forged in lust. 238 00:10:08,431 --> 00:10:10,500 Adult drama's forged in sadness. 239 00:10:10,600 --> 00:10:12,703 So sad. He was folding the laundry. 240 00:10:12,802 --> 00:10:14,537 -What? -He does that every day. 241 00:10:14,637 --> 00:10:16,539 -She should be doing that. -Of course she should. 242 00:10:16,639 --> 00:10:18,941 You know what else? He goes grocery shopping. 243 00:10:19,042 --> 00:10:20,410 What? Why? 244 00:10:20,843 --> 00:10:23,012 Because he's a pussy like I said. 245 00:10:23,112 --> 00:10:26,249 Oh. Okay. Well, let's get out of here 'cause I do have to take shit for real. 246 00:10:26,784 --> 00:10:27,917 Not me. 247 00:10:28,985 --> 00:10:30,553 [♪ jovial music] 248 00:10:30,653 --> 00:10:32,588 I'm actually getting a little worried about Frank, man. 249 00:10:32,689 --> 00:10:35,425 All right, well, don't get melodramatic. This isn't a soap opera. 250 00:10:35,858 --> 00:10:38,428 Why do they call 'em that? There's no soap involved. 251 00:10:39,128 --> 00:10:41,097 -And no singing. -Right? Nothing operatic about it. 252 00:10:41,197 --> 00:10:43,666 No, not sure. Either way, it's not the kind of mystery we want. 253 00:10:43,767 --> 00:10:47,771 You see, we want a rising tension to make the comedy or tragedy 254 00:10:47,870 --> 00:10:49,072 feel more satisfying in the end. 255 00:10:49,172 --> 00:10:50,873 The wha... The tragedy? 256 00:10:50,973 --> 00:10:52,442 Yeah. We don't know what this is yet, Charlie. 257 00:10:52,542 --> 00:10:54,243 Well, how would a tragedy feel satisfying? 258 00:10:54,344 --> 00:10:56,045 Well, okay. What if we came down here and we found Frank 259 00:10:56,145 --> 00:10:58,014 with a bullet in his head and a suicide note? 260 00:10:58,114 --> 00:11:00,718 -Not satisfying. -Not satisfying. Very tragic. 261 00:11:00,818 --> 00:11:04,087 However, there could be an overall poetic sense of completion 262 00:11:04,187 --> 00:11:05,588 to his inevitable story arc 263 00:11:05,688 --> 00:11:07,791 due to Frank's historically terrible life choices. 264 00:11:08,224 --> 00:11:11,027 And somehow, as a viewer, 265 00:11:11,127 --> 00:11:12,595 I would feel satisfied by the... 266 00:11:12,696 --> 00:11:14,130 There would be a subconscious... 267 00:11:14,230 --> 00:11:15,965 Yeah, that's not gonna work for me at all, man. 268 00:11:16,065 --> 00:11:17,567 What the hell are you talking about, dude? 269 00:11:17,667 --> 00:11:19,202 -Well, it's the hero's journey. -There he is. 270 00:11:19,302 --> 00:11:21,739 [Charlie] Cricket. Hey, man. 271 00:11:22,372 --> 00:11:25,809 Shit. What's good, baby? What's popping? 272 00:11:25,942 --> 00:11:28,911 What's with the, uh, dreadlocks and the voice you're doing? 273 00:11:29,011 --> 00:11:30,980 Oh. Yeah no, ain't no voice, baby. 274 00:11:31,080 --> 00:11:33,149 I'm just evolving right down here under the bridge, you know what I mean? 275 00:11:33,249 --> 00:11:35,551 Just trying to spread my business to a more diverse clientele, 276 00:11:35,651 --> 00:11:37,721 -you know what I mean? -[Mac] No. I don't feel you, no. 277 00:11:37,821 --> 00:11:40,824 I feel like this is not cool. Like, is this a good plot twist? 278 00:11:40,923 --> 00:11:42,625 -What is this? -This is... 279 00:11:42,726 --> 00:11:44,127 There's nothing good about this. This is giving me the ick. 280 00:11:44,227 --> 00:11:45,995 Yeah, this is just... 281 00:11:46,095 --> 00:11:48,064 I feel like we're dancing around a very dangerous line here. 282 00:11:48,164 --> 00:11:50,466 You know, just having, like, a white guy talking like, you know, 283 00:11:50,566 --> 00:11:53,136 "What it is, man?" Is not... I'm just doing Cricket. 284 00:11:53,236 --> 00:11:55,638 -I'm just doing Cricket. Right? -We're not supposed to do it. 285 00:11:55,739 --> 00:11:57,306 We're past it as a society. 286 00:11:57,407 --> 00:11:59,810 It's okay for the detective to make fun of the suspect. 287 00:11:59,909 --> 00:12:02,445 Hold up. Why y'all saying suspect? Am I a suspect? 288 00:12:02,545 --> 00:12:04,815 Well, we don't know what you are yet, do we, Cricket? 289 00:12:04,914 --> 00:12:07,083 If this got something to do with that john who got his dick bit off, 290 00:12:07,183 --> 00:12:09,485 I don't know shit, all right? I wasn't there, and I didn't see shit. 291 00:12:09,585 --> 00:12:11,320 And I don't know where the dick is, okay? 292 00:12:11,421 --> 00:12:13,824 -You bit a dude's dick off, man? -No, I didn't bite it. No, no. 293 00:12:13,923 --> 00:12:15,958 They take the dick, and I don't know what they do with it, 294 00:12:16,058 --> 00:12:17,093 and I don't ask, okay? 295 00:12:17,193 --> 00:12:19,028 -Who's they? -Who's they? 296 00:12:19,128 --> 00:12:21,197 It doesn't matter 'cause I don't know shit, and I'm not talking. 297 00:12:21,297 --> 00:12:22,999 I'm gonna blow past this, especially 'cause I feel uncomfortable 298 00:12:23,099 --> 00:12:24,934 with you talking like this. Where's Frank? 299 00:12:25,034 --> 00:12:26,502 Whoa. 300 00:12:26,602 --> 00:12:29,272 -Now, that I really can't talk about. -Why not? 301 00:12:29,372 --> 00:12:32,041 Well, he made me sign an NDA, so this cricket ain't chirping. 302 00:12:32,141 --> 00:12:34,812 An NDA? That's good. That brings us right back around to a mystery. 303 00:12:34,912 --> 00:12:36,814 How's that good, dude? 304 00:12:36,914 --> 00:12:39,382 It means there's a paper trail. Cricket, do you have a copy of this NDA? 305 00:12:40,216 --> 00:12:43,319 Maybe I do. Maybe I don't. 306 00:12:43,419 --> 00:12:46,689 Stop with this, dude. Stop. I'm gonna kick the shit out of you, man. 307 00:12:46,790 --> 00:12:48,658 -Don't step to me. -[Charlie] Okay, all right. 308 00:12:48,759 --> 00:12:50,828 -All right, I won't. I won't, but... -[Mac] Don't step to him. 309 00:12:50,928 --> 00:12:52,495 I need to know where Frank is, bro. 310 00:12:52,595 --> 00:12:54,832 All right. You know... You know... Goddamn, fine. 311 00:12:54,932 --> 00:12:57,200 I'll give you this, but then your Marian the Librarian ass 312 00:12:57,300 --> 00:12:59,469 has gotta roll up out of here. Man, y'all blowing up my spot. 313 00:12:59,569 --> 00:13:01,971 -What is Marian the Librarian? <i>-The Music Man</i> . Know your culture. 314 00:13:02,071 --> 00:13:04,040 I feel so uncomfortable with this whole thing. 315 00:13:04,140 --> 00:13:06,576 "Matthew Mara is hereby barred from any communication 316 00:13:06,676 --> 00:13:09,011 about Frank Reynolds or Frank will sue his ass." 317 00:13:09,111 --> 00:13:10,980 Well, that doesn't help us at all, dude. 318 00:13:11,080 --> 00:13:13,717 Yes, it does. Look who his lawyer is. 319 00:13:13,817 --> 00:13:17,653 -Who? -Jack Kelly, attorney-at-lawyering. 320 00:13:20,958 --> 00:13:24,160 Okay, you're sure this wouldn't be better to handle at my office? 321 00:13:24,260 --> 00:13:27,330 You have an office? That in itself is a mysterious twist. 322 00:13:27,430 --> 00:13:29,232 No, he doesn't. He's talking about my mom's basement. 323 00:13:29,332 --> 00:13:31,267 I have a filing cabinet and a computer. 324 00:13:31,367 --> 00:13:33,704 You have a filing cabinet until the FBI comes. 325 00:13:33,804 --> 00:13:35,071 [stammering] 326 00:13:35,171 --> 00:13:37,039 It's so annoying we got to go through him. 327 00:13:37,139 --> 00:13:38,942 -[Jack] Okay, all right. -What is the deal with Frank and this NDA? 328 00:13:39,075 --> 00:13:41,410 He's been getting some of his affairs in order. 329 00:13:41,511 --> 00:13:44,680 What does that mean, his affairs? What's going on with him? Where is the guy? 330 00:13:44,781 --> 00:13:47,083 Okay, well, he passed info to me, 331 00:13:47,183 --> 00:13:49,753 but I only have permission to show Charlie. 332 00:13:49,853 --> 00:13:51,621 Why? 333 00:13:51,722 --> 00:13:54,090 Well, because he's the one listed as the president of Frank's foundation. 334 00:13:54,190 --> 00:13:58,461 Okay. Well, this is news to me. I'm sorry, what foundation? 335 00:13:58,561 --> 00:14:00,797 Yeah, and what's my role in the foundation? 336 00:14:00,898 --> 00:14:02,131 Um... 337 00:14:02,231 --> 00:14:05,601 Well, I'm not seeing you listed anywhere in here. 338 00:14:05,702 --> 00:14:08,638 That's impossible. Frank's always talking about me, isn't he? 339 00:14:08,739 --> 00:14:10,774 And how I should be more involved in his affairs. 340 00:14:10,874 --> 00:14:12,308 I'm gonna tell Charlie, 341 00:14:12,408 --> 00:14:14,443 and then after I leave, he can tell you if he likes. 342 00:14:14,544 --> 00:14:16,112 This is bullshit. 343 00:14:16,212 --> 00:14:17,781 Charlie, there's gotta be room for me in the foundation. 344 00:14:17,881 --> 00:14:19,649 I don't know. You know, there's a lot to think about 345 00:14:19,750 --> 00:14:21,450 now that I'm president, you know what I mean? 346 00:14:21,551 --> 00:14:24,320 I gotta find Frank. I gotta find out what I'm president of. 347 00:14:24,420 --> 00:14:26,455 You know, these are big decisions. 348 00:14:26,556 --> 00:14:27,824 They're kinda over your head, man. 349 00:14:28,257 --> 00:14:31,327 Yeah. All right, I'm gonna pass the info to you, okay? 350 00:14:31,828 --> 00:14:34,932 -Whoa! I didn't sign off on that maneuver. -[Mac laughs] 351 00:14:35,032 --> 00:14:36,332 Charlie, we've got an address. 352 00:14:36,432 --> 00:14:37,834 Yeah, but I didn't sign off on that, man. 353 00:14:37,935 --> 00:14:39,635 I needed to be able to do my job, all right? 354 00:14:39,736 --> 00:14:42,906 This is my job, getting the information, getting the facts. 355 00:14:43,006 --> 00:14:45,441 This is thrilling. What is this? 356 00:14:45,541 --> 00:14:49,612 Uh, it seems like we've transitioned into a bit of a political thriller. 357 00:14:49,713 --> 00:14:50,814 Ah. 358 00:14:50,914 --> 00:14:52,816 I like those. Needs a chase scene. 359 00:14:52,916 --> 00:14:54,918 You wanna chase me around the apartment? 360 00:14:55,018 --> 00:14:57,320 -No, we're not gonna do that -[Mac] I don't wanna be in that movie. 361 00:14:57,420 --> 00:14:58,688 with you, Uncle Jack. 362 00:15:03,860 --> 00:15:05,528 Well, I banged her. 363 00:15:05,929 --> 00:15:07,330 -[Dee] What? -Yeah. 364 00:15:07,430 --> 00:15:10,299 -Who? Tammy? -No, uh, Tammy's son's prom date. 365 00:15:10,399 --> 00:15:12,335 -Kerry Bitaberry? -Yeah. 366 00:15:12,435 --> 00:15:14,203 -Oh. -Yeah. 367 00:15:14,303 --> 00:15:16,472 Yeah, I was going for that forbidden teen drama thing, you know? 368 00:15:16,572 --> 00:15:18,674 I convinced her that Trey Jr. cheated on her, 369 00:15:18,775 --> 00:15:21,344 and the only way she could get back at him was to sleep with me. 370 00:15:21,444 --> 00:15:22,511 -[groans] -[chuckles] 371 00:15:22,612 --> 00:15:23,546 Gross. 372 00:15:23,646 --> 00:15:25,514 Yeah, and you know what? 373 00:15:25,615 --> 00:15:27,350 It was kinda gross, but probably not for the reasons you're thinking. 374 00:15:27,450 --> 00:15:29,118 It was gross because she wasn't satisfying to me. 375 00:15:29,218 --> 00:15:31,054 -[gasps] -She didn't know any moves, you know? 376 00:15:31,153 --> 00:15:33,489 I tried to teach her, but she wouldn't listen to any of my commands. 377 00:15:33,589 --> 00:15:35,058 -Can you believe this? -[gasps] 378 00:15:35,157 --> 00:15:36,793 Yeah, and now she's blowing up my phone, you know? 379 00:15:36,893 --> 00:15:38,895 She made me a playlist, like... We don't have a song. 380 00:15:38,996 --> 00:15:41,197 How could we have a song together? We listen to no music whatsoever. 381 00:15:41,297 --> 00:15:44,233 The whole thing was done in silence. Except for the noises that I was making. 382 00:15:44,333 --> 00:15:46,302 -Stop. -What's grossing you out? 383 00:15:46,402 --> 00:15:47,971 -The fact that she wasn't satisfying me? -The fact that she's a child. 384 00:15:48,071 --> 00:15:49,305 No, she's not a child. 385 00:15:49,405 --> 00:15:51,507 -She's 19 years old, I checked. -Still a teen. 386 00:15:51,607 --> 00:15:53,810 Well, she has to be a teen. I thought we were doing a Romeo and Juliet thing. 387 00:15:53,910 --> 00:15:55,712 Juliet was not banging an old man. 388 00:15:55,812 --> 00:15:57,380 Dee, you know what? Just stop. 389 00:15:57,480 --> 00:15:59,315 I think the fact that she was 19 is actually the reason 390 00:15:59,415 --> 00:16:01,550 why Trey and Tammy didn't want their son dating her, 391 00:16:01,651 --> 00:16:03,820 because she was robbing the cradle. You know? 392 00:16:03,920 --> 00:16:06,555 -Okay, all right. -Why are you so grossed out by this? 393 00:16:06,656 --> 00:16:08,591 -You know what? I gotta go. -Where are you going? 394 00:16:08,692 --> 00:16:10,559 I gotta go bang Trey Jr. 395 00:16:10,660 --> 00:16:11,895 Why? 396 00:16:11,995 --> 00:16:14,163 Because we're doing a thing and I gotta win. 397 00:16:19,970 --> 00:16:21,404 All right. 398 00:16:21,504 --> 00:16:23,239 His address is a storage unit. You think he's in there? 399 00:16:23,339 --> 00:16:25,042 I don't know, man. Yeah, this could be, like, 400 00:16:25,142 --> 00:16:26,977 the secret headquarters of the foundation or something. 401 00:16:27,077 --> 00:16:29,746 That seems more like a James Bond spy thing. 402 00:16:29,846 --> 00:16:31,915 That doesn't really fit. 403 00:16:32,015 --> 00:16:34,283 I don't know, dude. The foundation's got a lot of international stuff happening. 404 00:16:34,383 --> 00:16:36,318 You don't even know what the foundation is. 405 00:16:36,686 --> 00:16:39,823 -Got it. Sixty-nine. Sixty-nine. -Well, of course. 406 00:16:42,391 --> 00:16:44,527 -[Mac] No Frank. -Yeah. 407 00:16:44,627 --> 00:16:48,531 What is this? "Toys for the foundation. Ship to Africa." 408 00:16:49,198 --> 00:16:52,069 I told you we had international dealings, you know what I mean? 409 00:16:52,169 --> 00:16:54,537 Africa is a big market for us, you know? 410 00:16:55,005 --> 00:16:59,943 We do a lot of, you know, trading of... in the toy sector. 411 00:17:00,043 --> 00:17:01,912 You know, don't even ask too many questions about it. 412 00:17:02,012 --> 00:17:03,446 It's, like, annoying how much 413 00:17:03,546 --> 00:17:04,781 you're prying me about trying to be in the foundation. 414 00:17:04,881 --> 00:17:05,982 Let's see what's in here. 415 00:17:06,649 --> 00:17:08,752 I mean, like, maybe I can finagle you like a... 416 00:17:08,852 --> 00:17:12,655 like an entry level position, but I can't just put you on the board or... 417 00:17:12,756 --> 00:17:14,223 What am I looking at here? What is this? 418 00:17:14,725 --> 00:17:18,394 "Rhino." These are dick pills, man. Jesus. 419 00:17:18,494 --> 00:17:20,663 All right, well it took a sexual turn. That's kind of interesting. 420 00:17:20,764 --> 00:17:22,398 What is he doing in here with the dick pills? 421 00:17:22,498 --> 00:17:24,300 What's on the tape? What is this about? 422 00:17:24,400 --> 00:17:26,970 [Mac] I don't know. Should we watch it? I don't want to. 423 00:17:27,070 --> 00:17:29,039 Yeah, I'm a little concerned about what I might see here. 424 00:17:29,139 --> 00:17:32,641 I think you got to shield your eyes because he's most likely, 425 00:17:32,743 --> 00:17:35,311 almost definitely, for sure gonna be naked and fucking. 426 00:17:35,411 --> 00:17:38,314 -Let's just hit play and let's just see what it's about. -Okay, we'll just... 427 00:17:38,414 --> 00:17:41,550 -[Charlie] Let me know if he's got his... -Yeah, okay. 428 00:17:42,284 --> 00:17:46,156 <i>Hey, I'm Frank. I've had</i> <i>a few great loves in my life.</i> 429 00:17:46,255 --> 00:17:50,626 <i>I lost one to racial injustice.</i> <i>Another one OD'd.</i> 430 00:17:51,094 --> 00:17:54,430 <i>Lost a wife to a botched neck job, but that's a whole other story.</i> 431 00:17:55,297 --> 00:17:59,169 <i>But I haven't had a love in my life for a long time, you know?</i> 432 00:17:59,268 --> 00:18:01,604 <i>And I'm not sure how long</i> <i>I can go on without it.</i> 433 00:18:01,705 --> 00:18:04,141 [lighting striking, tape glitching] 434 00:18:04,741 --> 00:18:06,342 -That's it? -I don't know. 435 00:18:06,442 --> 00:18:08,477 Looks like he taped over some old <i>Highlander</i> episodes 436 00:18:08,577 --> 00:18:10,180 -and ran out of tape. -He always does that. 437 00:18:10,279 --> 00:18:11,715 He forgets where the tape... 438 00:18:11,815 --> 00:18:14,050 What is this, man? What's he doing? I don't get it. 439 00:18:14,151 --> 00:18:16,585 He's doing a lot of dick pills, 'cause these are all empty. 440 00:18:17,154 --> 00:18:20,656 Oh, shit. Oh, shit, dude. That's not good. 441 00:18:20,757 --> 00:18:24,326 Frank always said he wanted his dick and his heart to explode at the same time. 442 00:18:25,162 --> 00:18:26,462 Dude, did he kill himself? 443 00:18:27,130 --> 00:18:29,800 If he did, he did it hard as a rock. 444 00:18:29,900 --> 00:18:32,969 [♪ jovial music] 445 00:18:36,807 --> 00:18:38,074 Knock, knock. 446 00:18:39,341 --> 00:18:41,443 Jesus Christ. You are a boy. 447 00:18:42,279 --> 00:18:45,681 Sorry, you are a lot younger than I... than I remember. 448 00:18:45,782 --> 00:18:47,150 -Huh? -Yeah. 449 00:18:47,250 --> 00:18:48,819 In my head you looked a bit more like a man, 450 00:18:48,919 --> 00:18:50,586 but boy, are you not. You're a kid. You're a kid. 451 00:18:50,686 --> 00:18:53,422 -How in God's name did Dennis do this? -Do what? 452 00:18:53,522 --> 00:18:55,058 I'm trying to beat my brother. You wouldn't get it. 453 00:18:55,158 --> 00:18:56,993 -Are you the lady from the bar? -Yeah, yeah, yeah. 454 00:18:57,093 --> 00:18:59,062 Let's just power through and get to the hot part, right? 455 00:18:59,162 --> 00:19:01,731 So sex. Sex. 456 00:19:01,832 --> 00:19:05,601 You are inexperienced and sex is exciting and maybe a little nerve-wracking. 457 00:19:05,702 --> 00:19:07,938 The kids at my school have been sleeping with each other for a decade. 458 00:19:08,038 --> 00:19:11,407 I don't need your whole backstory. You are 18, right? 459 00:19:11,507 --> 00:19:12,909 I don't wanna be mean, 460 00:19:13,009 --> 00:19:14,711 but my granny isn't that much older than you. 461 00:19:16,146 --> 00:19:17,781 -Your granny? -Yeah. 462 00:19:18,715 --> 00:19:22,118 Um, I will have you know I went to high school with your mom. So... 463 00:19:22,219 --> 00:19:24,620 She said when she was in high school you were 40. 464 00:19:25,121 --> 00:19:26,890 -I was 30. -What's the difference? 465 00:19:26,990 --> 00:19:29,525 Ten years! Ten years is the diff... 466 00:19:29,625 --> 00:19:30,961 Listen to me, you little shit. 467 00:19:31,061 --> 00:19:32,528 Dennis slept with your prom date. 468 00:19:33,395 --> 00:19:37,234 Oh, yeah. Does that make you sad? 469 00:19:38,168 --> 00:19:41,972 Do you wanna suck your thumb, little boy? I gotta go. 470 00:19:44,841 --> 00:19:47,878 Well, you win, Dennis. I couldn't do it. 471 00:19:47,978 --> 00:19:50,113 So it wasn't really a win-lose thing maybe. 472 00:19:50,213 --> 00:19:52,115 Of course it was, all right. 473 00:19:52,215 --> 00:19:54,050 But to be very clear, the kid wanted to, I just am not a criminal. 474 00:19:54,150 --> 00:19:56,786 I'm not a criminal either. Kerry Bitaberry is 19 years old. 475 00:19:56,887 --> 00:20:00,257 The only crime here is Kerry Bitaberry's inability to satisfy a lover. 476 00:20:00,357 --> 00:20:02,893 Well, then I probably did Trey Jr. a favor by telling him. 477 00:20:02,993 --> 00:20:04,895 Yeah, I guess... Wait, what? You told him? 478 00:20:04,995 --> 00:20:06,830 Yeah, I told him. He took it pretty hard. 479 00:20:06,930 --> 00:20:10,166 It was juicy. I think he's gonna try and fight you after school. 480 00:20:10,566 --> 00:20:13,303 Although, watching a grown man be pummeled by a kid in his prime 481 00:20:13,402 --> 00:20:15,772 is more sad than dramatic, if I'm being honest. 482 00:20:15,872 --> 00:20:18,975 Goddamn it, Dee. Why'd you tell him? I mean, that's... 483 00:20:19,075 --> 00:20:20,744 <i>...two local teens</i> <i>attempted suicide</i> 484 00:20:20,844 --> 00:20:23,445 <i>when they drove off</i> <i>the Strawberry Mansion Bridge.</i> 485 00:20:23,545 --> 00:20:25,815 <i>Fortunately,</i> <i>the teens survived the crash,</i> 486 00:20:25,916 --> 00:20:30,186 <i>although both sustained injuries and will be likely severely disfigured.</i> 487 00:20:30,287 --> 00:20:32,621 Oh... 488 00:20:33,023 --> 00:20:35,792 Well, I could definitely kick his ass now, right? He's all jacked up. 489 00:20:35,892 --> 00:20:37,660 Wha... What? 490 00:20:37,761 --> 00:20:40,230 You're not gonna make me feel bad about this, okay? I don't feel bad. 491 00:20:42,265 --> 00:20:43,465 I don't feel anything. 492 00:20:43,565 --> 00:20:46,202 -[door opens] -Guys, we got a problem. 493 00:20:46,303 --> 00:20:47,536 Frank took all his dick pills. 494 00:20:47,636 --> 00:20:49,205 -[Dennis sighs] -Oh. 495 00:20:49,306 --> 00:20:51,473 -He's gonna commit suicide. -He's gonna commit suicide. 496 00:20:51,573 --> 00:20:53,176 Yeah, yeah. 'Cause his penis is... 497 00:20:53,276 --> 00:20:54,878 [Dee] Hey, speaking of suicide. 498 00:20:54,978 --> 00:20:56,713 Dennis almost killed a couple of teenagers. 499 00:20:56,813 --> 00:20:58,815 Yeah, they drove off a bridge, but they're still alive. 500 00:20:58,915 --> 00:21:00,383 Who? Kerry Bitaberry and Trey Jr.? 501 00:21:00,482 --> 00:21:01,684 -[Dee] That's them. -You bet. 502 00:21:01,785 --> 00:21:03,853 -That's classic Dennis. -Come on, man. 503 00:21:03,954 --> 00:21:06,555 Maybe teen drama does have some weight to it 'cause that's like a tragedy. 504 00:21:06,655 --> 00:21:10,193 Uh, well... I mean, it's really only a tragedy if they die. 505 00:21:10,293 --> 00:21:13,129 You know, if they're just, like, mangled and stuff, 506 00:21:13,229 --> 00:21:15,865 then I think it's nothing. It's not anything. 507 00:21:15,966 --> 00:21:18,534 -You know, maybe a horror film? -All right, well, we're still in a mystery 508 00:21:18,634 --> 00:21:20,669 -'cause Frank is missing. -[Dee] Uh, guys... 509 00:21:20,770 --> 00:21:22,638 <i>-...one of Philadelphia's own has been...</i> -I think I found him. 510 00:21:22,739 --> 00:21:24,975 <i>...selected to be</i> <i>the next</i> Golden Bachelor <i>.</i> 511 00:21:25,075 --> 00:21:28,878 <i>Local businessman and philanthropist, Frank Reynolds is looking for love.</i> 512 00:21:28,979 --> 00:21:32,282 <i>Frank's Global Youth Foundation</i> <i>brings joy to needy children.</i> 513 00:21:32,916 --> 00:21:37,187 <i>I want to share that joy with someone I can spend the rest of my life with.</i> 514 00:21:38,121 --> 00:21:41,424 Seems like a great guy. We hope you find true love, Frank. 515 00:21:41,523 --> 00:21:42,993 We'll be rooting for you. 516 00:21:43,994 --> 00:21:46,562 Well, that's what you call a plot twist. 517 00:21:46,662 --> 00:21:48,832 [♪ jovial music] 517 00:21:49,305 --> 00:22:49,425