Zoolander 2

1 00:00:06,000 --> 00:00:12,074 Watch Online Movies and Series for FREE www.osdb.link/lm 2 00:01:52,154 --> 00:01:53,154 Sting! 3 00:01:53,196 --> 00:01:55,198 Sting, open up! It's Bieber! 4 00:01:56,116 --> 00:01:58,327 Sting! Come on! Sting! 5 00:01:58,410 --> 00:02:00,662 It's Bieber, bro! Open the door! 6 00:02:01,371 --> 00:02:02,414 Oh, fudge! 7 00:02:16,219 --> 00:02:17,763 You can't kill us all. 8 00:02:17,846 --> 00:02:19,723 We will protect the Chosen One. 9 00:03:40,470 --> 00:03:43,098 Peace out, world. Peace out. 10 00:04:02,409 --> 00:04:05,495 Valentina, he was pronounced dead 13 minutes ago. 11 00:04:05,579 --> 00:04:07,080 I can't believe it. 12 00:04:07,330 --> 00:04:10,208 Justin Bieber? No. 13 00:04:12,169 --> 00:04:15,547 The sixth pop star to die in the last year. 14 00:04:18,008 --> 00:04:20,177 And all with that look. 15 00:04:21,678 --> 00:04:24,014 As if they were trying to tell us something. 16 00:04:24,765 --> 00:04:26,266 That look. 17 00:04:28,977 --> 00:04:31,146 There's only one person on Earth 18 00:04:31,229 --> 00:04:33,148 who would know how to interpret this look. 19 00:04:33,857 --> 00:04:35,192 It's a dead end, Valentina. 20 00:04:35,275 --> 00:04:37,152 No one has seen that man in years. 21 00:04:38,987 --> 00:04:40,781 Then God help us all. 22 00:04:54,836 --> 00:04:56,296 {\an8}Shocking. Stupefying. 23 00:04:56,379 --> 00:04:59,132 {\an8}Something out of a Hollywood disaster movie. 24 00:04:59,216 --> 00:05:01,384 {\an8}Just a few of the ways New Yorkers described 25 00:05:01,468 --> 00:05:04,179 {\an8}what happened today as Derek Zoolander's 26 00:05:04,262 --> 00:05:05,847 {\an8}<i>Center for Kids Who Can't Read Good</i> 27 00:05:05,931 --> 00:05:08,767 {\an8}<i>and Who Wanna Learn to Do Other Stuff Good, Too</i> 28 00:05:08,850 --> 00:05:11,436 {\an8}<i>literally collapsed into the East River</i> 29 00:05:11,520 --> 00:05:14,189 {\an8}<i>only two days after its official opening.</i> 30 00:05:14,564 --> 00:05:16,566 {\an8}Students and teachers were evacuated. 31 00:05:16,817 --> 00:05:20,654 <i>And while Zoolander and his son Derek Jr. were unharmed,</i> 32 00:05:20,737 --> 00:05:23,740 <i>sadly, his wife, Matilda Jeffries-Zoolander,</i> 33 00:05:23,824 --> 00:05:26,159 {\an8}<i>has reportedly died.</i> 34 00:05:28,245 --> 00:05:31,081 I just feel lucky no one from my family was hurt! 35 00:05:32,749 --> 00:05:34,584 She was crushed by the book? 36 00:05:36,586 --> 00:05:38,088 <i>A vigil is being held tonight</i> 37 00:05:38,171 --> 00:05:41,508 {\an8}for the other chisel-cheeked lion of the modeling kingdom, 38 00:05:41,591 --> 00:05:43,844 {\an8}Hansel, who is reported to have sustained 39 00:05:43,927 --> 00:05:47,055 {\an8}permanent injury to his breathtaking face 40 00:05:47,138 --> 00:05:49,641 {\an8}<i>after being trapped beneath a burning beam.</i> 41 00:05:49,724 --> 00:05:52,143 {\an8}<i>Although authorities are still investigating,</i> 42 00:05:52,227 --> 00:05:54,521 {\an8}the cause of the disaster is believed to be 43 00:05:54,604 --> 00:05:57,190 {\an8}Zoolander's mind-boggling decision 44 00:05:57,274 --> 00:05:59,234 {\an8}<i>to build the reading center</i> 45 00:05:59,317 --> 00:06:02,445 {\an8}out of the actual materials that were used to construct 46 00:06:02,612 --> 00:06:05,657 {\an8}<i>the original architectural model.</i> 47 00:06:05,740 --> 00:06:08,034 {\an8}<i>Clothing designer Jacob Moogberg,</i> 48 00:06:08,118 --> 00:06:09,870 AKA Jacobim Mugatu 49 00:06:09,953 --> 00:06:12,664 was sentenced today to two consecutive life terms 50 00:06:12,747 --> 00:06:15,375 in a maximum security fashion prison 51 00:06:15,458 --> 00:06:17,544 {\an8}for his role in the attempted assassination 52 00:06:17,627 --> 00:06:19,170 {\an8}<i>of the Malaysian Prime Minister.</i> 53 00:06:19,254 --> 00:06:20,922 {\an8}<i>His co-conspirator, modeling agent</i> 54 00:06:21,006 --> 00:06:23,383 {\an8}Maury Ballstein, turned state's witness... 55 00:06:23,466 --> 00:06:26,303 {\an8}I'll give you anything you want on that <i>fakakta</i> fink. 56 00:06:26,386 --> 00:06:30,140 {\an8}...in exchange for relocation in the Witness Protection Program. 57 00:06:31,141 --> 00:06:34,477 Back in the news tonight, former model, negligent builder, 58 00:06:34,561 --> 00:06:37,230 now unfit parent, Derek Zoolander. 59 00:06:37,314 --> 00:06:41,902 {\an8}This footage was taken by a neighbor across from Zoolander's SoHo loft. 60 00:06:41,985 --> 00:06:44,613 {\an8}D.J., how did Mommy make it soft? 61 00:06:46,156 --> 00:06:49,910 {\an8}<i>The Child Protection Agency removed Zoolander's son, Derek Jr.</i> 62 00:06:49,993 --> 00:06:54,664 {\an8}late last night in a daring midnight raid placing him in the custody of the state. 63 00:06:56,583 --> 00:06:57,918 Which is why it pains me to say 64 00:06:58,001 --> 00:07:00,503 that effective immediately, I will retire from modeling 65 00:07:01,171 --> 00:07:04,549 and live alone as a hermit crab. 66 00:07:05,133 --> 00:07:08,261 {\an8}I will now be anonymous and known only as... 67 00:07:09,012 --> 00:07:10,180 {\an8}Eric 68 00:07:11,014 --> 00:07:12,098 Toolander. 69 00:07:14,142 --> 00:07:17,604 And finally tonight, here's something to make you feel old. 70 00:07:17,687 --> 00:07:19,022 Incredible as it may sound, 71 00:07:19,105 --> 00:07:22,943 of the over 3.7 million high school graduates this year 72 00:07:23,026 --> 00:07:26,446 less than 2% could tell you what a fax machine is, 73 00:07:26,529 --> 00:07:31,368 name a Caucasian President, or know who Derek Zoolander was. 74 00:07:31,785 --> 00:07:34,454 <i>Was... Was... Was...</i> 75 00:08:13,076 --> 00:08:14,703 Go away. 76 00:08:15,412 --> 00:08:17,664 Derek! Open up, it's me. 77 00:08:17,747 --> 00:08:19,791 I'm sorry, traveler, you must have lost your way. 78 00:08:19,874 --> 00:08:21,710 No one lives here by that name. 79 00:08:21,793 --> 00:08:24,295 Right. Sorry. I mean, Eric. 80 00:08:24,379 --> 00:08:25,672 I've got your mail. 81 00:08:37,809 --> 00:08:41,104 Billy Zane. It's been years. 82 00:08:41,771 --> 00:08:44,024 Where's my regular mailperson, Ingvar? 83 00:08:44,107 --> 00:08:45,358 He couldn't make it. 84 00:08:45,442 --> 00:08:47,944 I was in the neighborhood, I thought I'd stop by. 85 00:08:49,112 --> 00:08:50,655 Got your Netflix. 86 00:08:52,949 --> 00:08:54,534 <i>Jack Ryan</i> 87 00:08:54,617 --> 00:08:56,161 and <i>Jack Reacher.</i> 88 00:08:56,244 --> 00:08:58,163 Tonight's gonna be a total Jack-off. 89 00:08:59,330 --> 00:09:00,957 You have something else here. 90 00:09:03,668 --> 00:09:04,669 What is it? 91 00:09:04,961 --> 00:09:06,296 Open it. 92 00:09:21,644 --> 00:09:24,647 Gryootings, Derek Zoolownder. 93 00:09:25,148 --> 00:09:27,150 Are you a Boxtroll? 94 00:09:27,650 --> 00:09:29,277 That's Alexanya Atoz, 95 00:09:29,360 --> 00:09:31,905 owner of the largest fashion empire in the world. 96 00:09:31,988 --> 00:09:36,993 Because you are one of the world's true fishion icons, 97 00:09:37,327 --> 00:09:42,332 I have personal selected you to come to Rome... 98 00:09:43,124 --> 00:09:45,543 The Eturnanal Cyootee... 99 00:09:45,627 --> 00:09:48,379 To muddel my nyouest colleeauction 100 00:09:48,463 --> 00:09:51,466 by my hoottest now designer... 101 00:09:51,925 --> 00:09:54,260 Doon Atari. 102 00:09:54,969 --> 00:09:56,137 Who? 103 00:09:56,221 --> 00:09:57,931 Don Atari. 104 00:09:58,014 --> 00:09:59,599 He's "it" in fashion right now. 105 00:09:59,682 --> 00:10:01,476 People would die to be in his show. 106 00:10:01,893 --> 00:10:03,269 I can't. 107 00:10:03,812 --> 00:10:05,647 I'm a hermit crab now. 108 00:10:05,897 --> 00:10:08,817 - Gryootings, Derek Zoolownder. - I already told you! 109 00:10:08,900 --> 00:10:10,860 It's like you're not even listening to me! 110 00:10:17,200 --> 00:10:18,326 Derek... 111 00:10:19,494 --> 00:10:20,829 Eric. 112 00:10:21,371 --> 00:10:24,874 Maybe it's time to engage with the world again. 113 00:10:25,875 --> 00:10:28,128 Think about it, man. This could be a sign. 114 00:10:28,211 --> 00:10:30,713 And what if it's a stop sign, Billy? 115 00:10:31,256 --> 00:10:35,260 I used to be a successful model/fashion icon. 116 00:10:36,219 --> 00:10:38,805 Now, I'm just a model/failure. 117 00:10:39,681 --> 00:10:43,017 Slash-guy who is still a model/father. 118 00:10:43,518 --> 00:10:45,145 Slash-guy who killed his wife 119 00:10:45,228 --> 00:10:47,897 using cheap building materials that collapsed on her. 120 00:10:48,815 --> 00:10:53,194 Slash-guy who has got to stop beating himself up about that! 121 00:10:53,736 --> 00:10:55,655 Slash-guy who couldn't make spaghetti soft 122 00:10:55,738 --> 00:10:56,823 so they took away his son, 123 00:10:56,906 --> 00:10:59,409 so-slash-now he's alone and hiding from the world. 124 00:11:01,077 --> 00:11:02,245 Slash. 125 00:11:03,955 --> 00:11:07,792 Slash-have you ever even tried to get your son back? 126 00:11:11,087 --> 00:11:12,547 You can do that? 127 00:11:12,630 --> 00:11:16,134 Yeah. You'd hire a litigator, he files the appropriate paperwork... 128 00:11:16,217 --> 00:11:18,261 But I don't even know where he is. 129 00:11:18,928 --> 00:11:20,263 First things first. 130 00:11:21,347 --> 00:11:24,851 If you take this job that Alexanya's offering you, 131 00:11:24,934 --> 00:11:26,519 you could prove to Child Services 132 00:11:26,603 --> 00:11:29,397 that you're a productive member of society again. 133 00:11:31,524 --> 00:11:32,692 Go to Rome. 134 00:11:33,943 --> 00:11:35,361 Find yourself. 135 00:11:36,237 --> 00:11:38,907 Become the father you were meant to be 136 00:11:39,616 --> 00:11:41,951 and get your boy back. 137 00:11:54,339 --> 00:11:56,007 Safe journey, my friend! 138 00:11:57,800 --> 00:11:59,302 Thanks, Billy! 139 00:12:49,018 --> 00:12:50,353 What have you got? 140 00:12:58,653 --> 00:13:00,697 Ball and chain not happy. 141 00:13:11,582 --> 00:13:14,043 Sorry I'm late! Oh, my gosh. 142 00:13:14,836 --> 00:13:16,504 I was finishing up Shavasana 143 00:13:16,587 --> 00:13:19,632 and this sandstorm kicked up out of nowhere. 144 00:13:19,716 --> 00:13:21,217 I'm okay, though. 145 00:13:22,093 --> 00:13:24,012 Natalka, you look beautiful. 146 00:13:24,679 --> 00:13:25,722 Really? 147 00:13:26,222 --> 00:13:27,557 Yes, really. 148 00:13:28,558 --> 00:13:30,184 Dinner is ruined! 149 00:13:32,395 --> 00:13:34,814 Guys, I told you not to wait for me, didn't I? 150 00:13:34,897 --> 00:13:36,482 Remember, we talked about this. 151 00:13:37,066 --> 00:13:38,818 Can't we just take it slow? 152 00:13:39,027 --> 00:13:42,780 When I met you guys two years ago, it was the best orgy of my life. 153 00:13:43,364 --> 00:13:46,409 Let's get back to that feeling. It's there. 154 00:13:48,494 --> 00:13:49,829 Hansel. 155 00:13:51,831 --> 00:13:54,500 Every relationship has to evolve. 156 00:13:55,209 --> 00:13:58,212 And somehow, you've managed to stay the same. 157 00:13:59,130 --> 00:14:01,674 But you're gonna have to change, my man. 158 00:14:01,758 --> 00:14:03,634 'Cause change, she is a-comin'. 159 00:14:04,427 --> 00:14:05,428 What? 160 00:14:13,311 --> 00:14:14,687 Natalka. 161 00:14:20,693 --> 00:14:22,028 All of you? 162 00:14:27,617 --> 00:14:29,619 How is this even possible? 163 00:14:29,911 --> 00:14:31,662 We thought you'd be happy. 164 00:14:32,205 --> 00:14:34,374 Well, I am happy. 165 00:14:34,457 --> 00:14:35,792 That... 166 00:14:35,875 --> 00:14:39,295 It's just a lot to process, and that's what I'm doing. 167 00:14:40,004 --> 00:14:43,800 To be honest, I've never seen myself in this role, you know, as a... 168 00:14:44,133 --> 00:14:45,468 You mean a father? 169 00:14:45,718 --> 00:14:48,137 Well... I... 170 00:14:49,514 --> 00:14:50,754 Let me... I want to check on... 171 00:14:50,807 --> 00:14:52,475 On the camel here! 172 00:15:01,651 --> 00:15:03,403 Who am I? 173 00:15:06,489 --> 00:15:08,157 Who am I? 174 00:15:08,783 --> 00:15:10,118 Hey, Hansel! 175 00:15:13,579 --> 00:15:14,997 Billy Zane? 176 00:15:16,165 --> 00:15:17,500 Got your Netflix. 177 00:15:18,835 --> 00:15:20,169 And this. 178 00:15:42,483 --> 00:15:43,961 - Thanks very much. - No, it's my bag. 179 00:15:43,985 --> 00:15:45,111 Excuse me, I think that's... 180 00:15:45,194 --> 00:15:47,447 No, trust me, this is my bag. 181 00:15:47,530 --> 00:15:49,907 - Just look at the ticket right here. - Hansel. 182 00:15:49,991 --> 00:15:51,576 Never heard of him, honcho. 183 00:15:51,659 --> 00:15:54,245 Look right here at the ticket and you can see that... 184 00:15:56,038 --> 00:15:57,874 Derek Zoolander. 185 00:16:00,001 --> 00:16:02,837 Hi. It's been a long time. 186 00:16:03,379 --> 00:16:05,381 Yeah. Not long enough. 187 00:16:06,674 --> 00:16:09,719 Now, if you'll excuse me, I think I should peace. 188 00:16:10,011 --> 00:16:11,596 Wait a minute! 189 00:16:11,679 --> 00:16:13,031 We haven't seen each other since... 190 00:16:13,055 --> 00:16:16,058 Since the building you designed fell on my face and ruined my career? 191 00:16:16,142 --> 00:16:17,768 Yeah, it's been a while. 192 00:16:17,852 --> 00:16:19,729 It was an accident. I didn't mean to... 193 00:16:19,812 --> 00:16:22,940 You didn't mean to build the support beams out of popsicle sticks 194 00:16:23,024 --> 00:16:24,984 and highly-flammable rubber cement? 195 00:16:25,067 --> 00:16:26,360 That was just a little accident? 196 00:16:26,444 --> 00:16:27,445 Yeah. 197 00:16:28,446 --> 00:16:30,740 This is it. Forever. 198 00:16:31,115 --> 00:16:32,366 Because I promise you, 199 00:16:32,450 --> 00:16:35,661 this is the last time we will ever see each other. 200 00:16:35,745 --> 00:16:37,371 Right here, this moment. 201 00:16:37,622 --> 00:16:39,582 Good-bye forever. 202 00:16:40,041 --> 00:16:41,626 Works for me. 203 00:16:54,514 --> 00:16:57,308 Hope you're not an epiplectic, because we're about to get blinded. 204 00:16:57,391 --> 00:16:58,893 Yep. Here we go. 205 00:17:01,771 --> 00:17:03,189 Susan Boyle, right here! 206 00:17:05,107 --> 00:17:06,692 Take a picture of that! 207 00:17:06,776 --> 00:17:08,110 Vultures! 208 00:17:10,696 --> 00:17:12,990 I guess with my beard and your disgusting face, 209 00:17:13,074 --> 00:17:14,367 they don't know who we are. 210 00:17:14,450 --> 00:17:16,118 Derek! Hansel! 211 00:17:17,161 --> 00:17:18,454 Hey, boys. I'm Vip. 212 00:17:20,331 --> 00:17:22,041 - Vip? - Yeah. 213 00:17:22,124 --> 00:17:24,293 I'm in charge of social media for Don Atari. 214 00:17:24,377 --> 00:17:26,045 I've been working for him since I was 10. 215 00:17:26,128 --> 00:17:27,463 How old are you now? 216 00:17:27,922 --> 00:17:30,132 Eleven. Should we go to the hotel? 217 00:17:45,147 --> 00:17:49,068 Pretty strange, you and I both getting called back to the big stage like this. 218 00:17:49,527 --> 00:17:52,655 A gig's a gig. I'm just doing this to get my son back. 219 00:17:53,155 --> 00:17:56,742 Explain how doing a fashion show's gonna accomplish that. 220 00:17:56,826 --> 00:17:59,829 Simple. Child Services hears I'm working again, 221 00:18:00,162 --> 00:18:04,125 KKK, a responsible parent, and they give me my son back. 222 00:18:04,208 --> 00:18:06,043 Responsible parent? 223 00:18:06,586 --> 00:18:07,938 What? You don't think I could be one? 224 00:18:07,962 --> 00:18:10,798 No, it just brings up some junk from the past. 225 00:18:10,881 --> 00:18:13,801 I didn't have a father. It's kind of my big issue right now. 226 00:18:14,427 --> 00:18:15,595 You didn't have a father? 227 00:18:15,678 --> 00:18:19,890 Nah. All my mom ever told me was my dad was a beat cop. 228 00:18:21,225 --> 00:18:23,144 Always on the road. 229 00:18:23,227 --> 00:18:25,521 The road away from little Hansel. 230 00:18:34,196 --> 00:18:37,366 Valentina. You're going to want to see this. 231 00:18:44,707 --> 00:18:47,335 Check out Mr. Disco Barry Gibb. 232 00:18:50,630 --> 00:18:52,381 Zoolander is in Rome? 233 00:19:03,392 --> 00:19:05,227 Welcome to the Palazzo D'Caca. 234 00:19:05,311 --> 00:19:08,981 The entire hotel is biodegradable and made from reclaimed human waste. 235 00:19:09,940 --> 00:19:13,903 This is the ultra-exclusive, fully-toxic, Zero-Footprint Suite. 236 00:19:14,445 --> 00:19:16,447 The masseuses at the spa are all homeless. 237 00:19:16,530 --> 00:19:19,200 And the hotel has complimentary farm-to-table Wi-Fi. 238 00:19:19,950 --> 00:19:21,285 Wait... We're rooming together? 239 00:19:22,578 --> 00:19:24,372 There must be some mistake. 240 00:19:24,455 --> 00:19:26,707 - I'll call Billy Zane. - Good idea. 241 00:19:28,751 --> 00:19:30,920 Look, tiny phone! That is so retro. 242 00:19:31,003 --> 00:19:32,763 I'm gonna take a picture of it with my phone. 243 00:19:33,255 --> 00:19:34,895 <i>This is Billy Zane. I'm not here right...</i> 244 00:19:35,466 --> 00:19:38,094 Well, Don Atari is waiting for you down in the lobby. 245 00:19:38,219 --> 00:19:40,680 And don't drink the water or you'll die. 246 00:19:44,725 --> 00:19:46,936 - I just have one question. - Yeah? 247 00:19:48,270 --> 00:19:51,107 What in the world is farm-to-table Wi-Fi? 248 00:19:51,482 --> 00:19:52,525 You're asking me? 249 00:19:52,608 --> 00:19:54,860 <i>Muchacho,</i> I have no idea. 250 00:19:54,944 --> 00:19:56,570 - For serious? - No! 251 00:19:56,654 --> 00:19:58,840 Because when Vip said that, you had this look on your face, like, 252 00:19:58,864 --> 00:20:00,658 "I totally know what farm-to-table Wi-Fi is!" 253 00:20:00,741 --> 00:20:03,035 I was acting cool 'cause I thought you knew. 254 00:20:03,119 --> 00:20:04,495 I thought you knew! 255 00:20:04,578 --> 00:20:07,415 No, I just didn't want Vip to think I was uncool! 256 00:20:09,458 --> 00:20:11,627 I miss not knowing things with you. 257 00:20:11,877 --> 00:20:15,381 Yeah. Me, too. Why didn't we do this sooner? 258 00:20:15,631 --> 00:20:16,951 Because we've both been in hiding 259 00:20:17,007 --> 00:20:19,468 since the day I killed my wife and permanently disfigured you. 260 00:20:19,760 --> 00:20:21,595 Yeah, that's probably it. 261 00:20:23,639 --> 00:20:25,516 That was the day I lost the fire. 262 00:20:25,599 --> 00:20:26,976 The fire? 263 00:20:27,518 --> 00:20:29,353 The fire in my face. 264 00:20:30,312 --> 00:20:33,023 It's kind of my big issue right now. 265 00:20:33,107 --> 00:20:36,026 You still got it, D-Zone. You're Derek Zoolander. 266 00:20:36,110 --> 00:20:39,196 You stopped a Chinese throwing star in mid-air with a look. 267 00:20:42,324 --> 00:20:43,617 <i>I was there.</i> 268 00:20:45,119 --> 00:20:46,620 That's not me anymore. 269 00:20:46,704 --> 00:20:47,997 Yes, it is. 270 00:20:48,080 --> 00:20:50,750 Hey, flash me that beautiful look. 271 00:20:51,167 --> 00:20:53,085 Give me that incredible Magnum. 272 00:20:53,169 --> 00:20:54,170 No! 273 00:20:54,962 --> 00:20:57,381 - Think fast. Magnum. - Wait, no! 274 00:20:57,465 --> 00:20:58,632 Magnum! Now! 275 00:21:01,010 --> 00:21:02,803 Come on! You got this, but you got to focus! 276 00:21:04,638 --> 00:21:06,390 - Come on! - Hansel, stop! 277 00:21:06,474 --> 00:21:08,267 You got this! Yeah! 278 00:21:08,350 --> 00:21:09,935 Maybe we could try a wash cloth? 279 00:21:10,019 --> 00:21:11,687 - Tequila! - Hansel, no! 280 00:21:13,022 --> 00:21:15,357 No! It's not working! 281 00:21:16,233 --> 00:21:17,526 You're right. 282 00:21:22,531 --> 00:21:24,658 What happened to us? 283 00:21:26,410 --> 00:21:28,204 You mean me. 284 00:21:29,955 --> 00:21:31,290 You still have it. 285 00:21:31,373 --> 00:21:32,666 No, I don't. 286 00:21:32,750 --> 00:21:35,252 Look at this face. It's a horror show. 287 00:21:39,882 --> 00:21:42,802 Come on, Hansel. It can't be that bad. 288 00:21:42,885 --> 00:21:44,220 It is. 289 00:21:44,845 --> 00:21:46,388 - Take off your mask. - No. 290 00:21:46,514 --> 00:21:50,226 No way. No one's ever seen me without this mask. 291 00:21:50,351 --> 00:21:51,602 And no one ever will. 292 00:21:53,229 --> 00:21:55,064 I think I know the real you. 293 00:21:55,731 --> 00:21:58,234 And it has nothing to do with the way you look. 294 00:21:59,068 --> 00:22:00,528 You mean that? 295 00:22:00,611 --> 00:22:02,112 Of course, I do. 296 00:22:02,446 --> 00:22:03,531 Okay. 297 00:22:09,078 --> 00:22:10,621 It's disgusting! Put it back! 298 00:22:10,704 --> 00:22:12,724 I was wrong, please, put the mask back on! It's so gross! 299 00:22:12,748 --> 00:22:15,042 I can't be friends with you if you look like that! Please! 300 00:22:15,584 --> 00:22:17,670 It is so disgusting! Please, put it back! 301 00:22:17,753 --> 00:22:19,421 Please, Hansel, put it back, I was wrong! 302 00:22:19,505 --> 00:22:21,841 No. This feels good. 303 00:22:22,466 --> 00:22:23,860 Could you please put the mask back on 304 00:22:23,884 --> 00:22:25,487 so I can concentrate on what you're saying? 305 00:22:25,511 --> 00:22:27,930 No! I'm done hiding. 306 00:22:28,430 --> 00:22:31,475 Look, there's only one way for us to find ourselves. 307 00:22:31,600 --> 00:22:32,768 Know what that is? 308 00:22:33,227 --> 00:22:35,813 Look inward and connect with our authentic truth? 309 00:22:36,105 --> 00:22:38,482 No. I was gonna say become the two biggest, 310 00:22:38,566 --> 00:22:40,234 hottest models in the world again. 311 00:22:40,317 --> 00:22:41,443 Okay. 312 00:22:41,527 --> 00:22:44,113 Okay. So what say we get you cleaned up, 313 00:22:44,196 --> 00:22:45,823 shave that billy goat beard, 314 00:22:45,906 --> 00:22:49,702 go downstairs and show these punks what real fashion looks like? 315 00:23:29,533 --> 00:23:31,952 Oh, my God. Yes, dude! 316 00:23:32,036 --> 00:23:35,623 Yes! You guys look so lame. I love it, dude. 317 00:23:35,706 --> 00:23:38,542 You ninjas dressed up all old-school just to meet me. So Jedi. 318 00:23:38,626 --> 00:23:40,210 You guys suck. Both of you guys suck. 319 00:23:40,294 --> 00:23:41,712 You look great. 320 00:23:42,296 --> 00:23:43,505 Thanks. 321 00:23:43,881 --> 00:23:45,799 I'm Don Atari. What up? 322 00:23:46,800 --> 00:23:48,010 What up, Hansel? 323 00:23:48,093 --> 00:23:50,137 Yeah. That's sick. 324 00:23:50,512 --> 00:23:52,640 Wait a minute. "I'll call Billy." 325 00:23:53,057 --> 00:23:54,391 I just said that! 326 00:23:55,017 --> 00:23:56,977 I know. Like, 15 minutes ago, right? 327 00:23:57,061 --> 00:24:00,648 Vip told me, so I made these retro shirts with your old catchphrase on it. 328 00:24:01,357 --> 00:24:02,524 Cool. 329 00:24:02,733 --> 00:24:04,169 Hey, let me introduce my collective, dude. 330 00:24:04,193 --> 00:24:05,712 They're all losers, I hate these guys. 331 00:24:05,736 --> 00:24:07,738 We got TRS-80, KITT... 332 00:24:08,155 --> 00:24:09,823 Rubik, my man Gleek. 333 00:24:10,157 --> 00:24:13,035 This guy gives the best shitty tattoos ever. 334 00:24:13,118 --> 00:24:15,204 He's a genius. His tattoos are so stupid. 335 00:24:15,287 --> 00:24:16,914 He's the one who did my Colonel Sanders. 336 00:24:16,997 --> 00:24:19,625 Look at that, pretty epic? It sucks, I don't like it, dude. 337 00:24:20,876 --> 00:24:23,295 Why would I do this to myself? I never wanted this on me. 338 00:24:23,379 --> 00:24:25,379 I love it, dude. I got it when my grandfather died. 339 00:24:26,215 --> 00:24:28,968 That's really cool. So, what's the deal with the show? 340 00:24:29,426 --> 00:24:31,971 Yeah, where do you want us to fire up this chainsaw? 341 00:24:32,054 --> 00:24:35,391 Colosseum? Trevi Fountain? Spanish Steps? 342 00:24:36,600 --> 00:24:37,810 What? No way, dude. 343 00:24:37,893 --> 00:24:39,687 Those places are gnar-gnar bo-bo. 344 00:24:40,062 --> 00:24:42,207 We're holding it in an abandoned medical waste facility 345 00:24:42,231 --> 00:24:44,149 on top of an industrial trash heap. 346 00:24:44,233 --> 00:24:46,402 It's totally toxic, but super chill. 347 00:24:46,735 --> 00:24:48,487 Cool! Sounds dope. 348 00:24:48,570 --> 00:24:49,655 Yeah, fresh. 349 00:24:50,572 --> 00:24:54,034 What? You guys are like, "Sounds dope!" "Fresh!" 350 00:24:54,702 --> 00:24:56,870 They're doing the voices and everything! 351 00:24:56,954 --> 00:24:59,373 I didn't think you guys would do the voices. That's sick! 352 00:24:59,456 --> 00:25:01,750 "Sounds dope! Sounds fresh!" 353 00:25:02,626 --> 00:25:05,462 I don't like you guys. It's an honor to have you. 354 00:25:21,937 --> 00:25:23,063 Hey, retreads! 355 00:25:23,814 --> 00:25:25,482 I want to introduce you all to my muse 356 00:25:25,566 --> 00:25:27,246 and basically, like, the biggest supermodel 357 00:25:27,276 --> 00:25:28,819 in the whole world right now, dude. 358 00:25:28,902 --> 00:25:30,404 This is All. 359 00:25:31,196 --> 00:25:32,406 All what? 360 00:25:32,489 --> 00:25:33,824 We are All. 361 00:25:34,533 --> 00:25:38,203 So, are you like a male model or a female model? 362 00:25:38,412 --> 00:25:41,081 All is not defined by binary constructs. 363 00:25:41,665 --> 00:25:44,001 That's cool. I don't like labels, either. 364 00:25:44,084 --> 00:25:46,879 But I think he's asking, do you have a hot dog or a bun? 365 00:25:48,756 --> 00:25:50,466 Do you have a wiener or vergiener? 366 00:25:51,258 --> 00:25:54,094 All is all to all. 367 00:25:56,096 --> 00:25:58,932 By the way, All just married hermself, dude. 368 00:25:59,016 --> 00:26:00,934 Monomarriage is finally legal in Italy. 369 00:26:01,310 --> 00:26:02,853 I support that. 370 00:26:02,936 --> 00:26:04,605 Derek, that's pretty good, right? 371 00:26:08,525 --> 00:26:10,069 I'm sorry, are you not comfortable 372 00:26:10,152 --> 00:26:12,152 with people like All in the workplace or something? 373 00:26:12,446 --> 00:26:14,239 No. Of course, I am. 374 00:26:14,323 --> 00:26:16,217 I mean, like, if your son or whatever came to you and said, 375 00:26:16,241 --> 00:26:19,429 "Hey, Dad, I really want to marry All," like, wouldn't you be so stoked for that? 376 00:26:19,453 --> 00:26:21,288 Isn't that, like, exactly what you want? 377 00:26:21,371 --> 00:26:24,958 Imagine All walking in, being like, "We'll finally be together." 378 00:26:25,042 --> 00:26:27,336 You'd be, like, hella stoked for that, right? 379 00:26:28,045 --> 00:26:29,213 Yeah. 380 00:26:29,713 --> 00:26:31,548 I'd be, like, totally stoked. 381 00:26:32,591 --> 00:26:34,593 All is done here. Atari. 382 00:26:35,219 --> 00:26:36,512 See you, fools. 383 00:26:36,595 --> 00:26:39,306 Guys, Alexanya Atoz is here! 384 00:26:39,389 --> 00:26:40,849 The show must begin now! 385 00:26:43,060 --> 00:26:45,813 Wow. Alexanya Atoz. 386 00:26:45,896 --> 00:26:48,899 They say she doesn't walk. She just floats. 387 00:26:52,277 --> 00:26:54,154 She looks even better in person. 388 00:27:03,247 --> 00:27:05,874 I got those juices flowing again. 389 00:27:10,838 --> 00:27:13,841 Just put us out there. Let us do our thing. 390 00:27:16,927 --> 00:27:18,011 Come on! Come on! 391 00:27:18,554 --> 00:27:21,348 Chop chop! Lay down, lay down! 392 00:27:21,431 --> 00:27:23,767 Get in, get in. Take off your robes. 393 00:27:25,435 --> 00:27:27,104 Go! Go! Go! 394 00:27:28,856 --> 00:27:32,568 Derek! I have a really good feeling about this. 395 00:27:32,943 --> 00:27:35,279 I know. I feel so alive! 396 00:27:54,840 --> 00:27:56,091 "Old"? 397 00:27:58,010 --> 00:27:59,344 "Lamé"? 398 00:28:13,525 --> 00:28:14,651 Quit it, All! 399 00:28:15,819 --> 00:28:18,447 Hot dog! It's definitely a hot dog! 400 00:28:18,906 --> 00:28:19,948 All is done. 401 00:28:28,665 --> 00:28:29,708 "Prunes"? 402 00:28:47,601 --> 00:28:49,436 So let me tell you what I think worked. 403 00:28:49,519 --> 00:28:52,064 I think we got to shake off some of the rust. 404 00:28:52,147 --> 00:28:53,458 I was trying out a few new looks, 405 00:28:53,482 --> 00:28:54,792 although it might have been hard to see 406 00:28:54,816 --> 00:28:57,361 through all the dates, or, was it, you know, prunes? 407 00:28:57,444 --> 00:29:00,948 Hansel, are you insane? We were a joke out there. 408 00:29:01,281 --> 00:29:03,116 A total laughing stick. 409 00:29:03,200 --> 00:29:04,928 What do you want me to say? I mean, I know... 410 00:29:04,952 --> 00:29:07,597 I know we looked like idiots, but I'm trying to make the best of it! 411 00:29:07,621 --> 00:29:08,705 Knuck, knuck! 412 00:29:08,789 --> 00:29:09,998 Not now! We... 413 00:29:14,378 --> 00:29:15,712 You 414 00:29:16,129 --> 00:29:17,464 two 415 00:29:17,714 --> 00:29:19,508 vere amowzing. 416 00:29:20,801 --> 00:29:21,927 Deeryuck. 417 00:29:22,010 --> 00:29:24,680 Your feces so hundsome. 418 00:29:24,763 --> 00:29:27,182 Und, Hansel, so stemmy. 419 00:29:28,725 --> 00:29:31,853 Ridowkulously stemmy and hyot. 420 00:29:33,063 --> 00:29:35,649 I'm sorry. I can't understand a word that you're saying. 421 00:29:36,483 --> 00:29:39,278 I want to invite you to be my gyuests 422 00:29:39,361 --> 00:29:43,490 at the most elite fishion event in housetory. 423 00:29:44,700 --> 00:29:46,326 The IncrediBall. 424 00:29:47,619 --> 00:29:48,954 What! 425 00:29:49,204 --> 00:29:50,539 The IncrediBall? 426 00:29:50,664 --> 00:29:52,040 Is that like the Met Ball? 427 00:29:55,419 --> 00:29:58,088 No, sveet, stupid Deryuck. 428 00:29:58,755 --> 00:30:02,592 For the first time in the housetory of fishion, 429 00:30:02,676 --> 00:30:06,221 all of the most important designers will come together 430 00:30:06,305 --> 00:30:08,140 under one rureff. 431 00:30:09,182 --> 00:30:11,852 I trust you will be dere 432 00:30:12,269 --> 00:30:15,939 with your hyot and stemmy feces. 433 00:30:21,403 --> 00:30:23,447 Dudes. Holy Shazbot! What! 434 00:30:24,323 --> 00:30:26,867 You guys are gonna be the center-pizzle of IncrediBall! 435 00:30:26,950 --> 00:30:28,076 What does that mean? 436 00:30:28,577 --> 00:30:31,288 The center-pizzle of IncrediBall. 437 00:30:33,081 --> 00:30:35,083 That was bananas, Johnny. 438 00:30:39,087 --> 00:30:40,172 I'm done. 439 00:30:40,255 --> 00:30:42,299 What? Derek, what are you talking about? 440 00:30:42,382 --> 00:30:43,609 Did you not hear what they just said? 441 00:30:43,633 --> 00:30:45,552 We're going to be the center of the IncrediBall. 442 00:30:45,635 --> 00:30:48,597 I can only pray that nobody from Child Services attended the show 443 00:30:48,680 --> 00:30:50,599 or I'll never get little Derek back. 444 00:30:51,058 --> 00:30:52,160 What about all the attention? 445 00:30:52,184 --> 00:30:54,102 This is exactly what we were talking about! 446 00:30:54,644 --> 00:30:57,481 No, Hansel. It's exactly what you were talking about. 447 00:30:57,856 --> 00:31:02,778 We don't fit in anymore. Don Atari and All and that creepy little Vip! 448 00:31:02,861 --> 00:31:04,446 - I don't want any part of it! - Derek. 449 00:31:05,364 --> 00:31:06,531 Derek! 450 00:31:07,240 --> 00:31:09,534 Derek! D-rock! 451 00:31:34,643 --> 00:31:36,311 Derek Zoolander? 452 00:31:36,395 --> 00:31:37,562 Yes. 453 00:31:38,146 --> 00:31:39,898 Valentina Valencia. 454 00:31:39,981 --> 00:31:42,317 Interpol, Global Fashion Division. 455 00:31:42,401 --> 00:31:45,737 Fashion Police? We're clean, lady. Go harass somebody else. 456 00:31:46,071 --> 00:31:48,323 Besides, I'm out of fashion. 457 00:31:48,865 --> 00:31:50,158 I need to talk to you. 458 00:31:51,159 --> 00:31:53,245 It has to do with the death of Justin Bieber. 459 00:31:53,328 --> 00:31:55,163 His death is not my problem. 460 00:31:55,247 --> 00:31:59,000 Look, I'm trying to find out who's killing the pop stars of the world. 461 00:31:59,084 --> 00:32:01,169 And I think you're my only chance. 462 00:32:02,087 --> 00:32:05,257 What part of "not my problem" did you not understand? 463 00:32:05,340 --> 00:32:06,341 None of it. 464 00:32:08,969 --> 00:32:11,322 So you did understand the part about it not being my problem, 465 00:32:11,346 --> 00:32:14,599 or you didn't understand any part of it not being a part of my problem? 466 00:32:15,767 --> 00:32:17,018 No, no, no, Derek. 467 00:32:17,102 --> 00:32:19,705 I think what she's saying is that she understands what you're saying, 468 00:32:19,729 --> 00:32:20,897 but she doesn't accept it. 469 00:32:20,981 --> 00:32:23,024 Hansel! It's all too confusing. 470 00:32:23,817 --> 00:32:25,735 I thought coming here would help me find myself, 471 00:32:25,819 --> 00:32:27,612 and possibly my son. 472 00:32:27,696 --> 00:32:29,781 But this is more than I bargained for. 473 00:32:31,032 --> 00:32:34,494 This hermit crab is crawling back into his planetarium. 474 00:32:36,288 --> 00:32:40,041 I can use the database at Interpol to help you find your son. 475 00:32:42,711 --> 00:32:44,379 If you help me. 476 00:32:46,548 --> 00:32:48,300 I think we got to play ball with her. 477 00:32:48,383 --> 00:32:52,012 She's got some kind of database or something that she says 478 00:32:52,095 --> 00:32:53,763 will help us find little Derek. 479 00:32:57,684 --> 00:33:00,061 And she's hot. I trust her. 480 00:33:28,590 --> 00:33:31,676 So, before Bieber died, he Twitpic'd this look. 481 00:33:31,760 --> 00:33:35,055 He posted it to the blogspot for his summer concert tour. 482 00:33:35,597 --> 00:33:37,599 He was trying to send a message. 483 00:33:40,227 --> 00:33:42,229 It's Blue Steel, right? 484 00:33:43,939 --> 00:33:45,899 What are you, a fucking idiot? 485 00:33:47,984 --> 00:33:49,778 Yeah, that's Blue Steel. 486 00:33:50,737 --> 00:33:53,281 My question is, is Interpol one of those socialist things 487 00:33:53,365 --> 00:33:55,617 where they hire mentally-impaired people? 488 00:33:55,700 --> 00:33:57,536 I... I know. 489 00:33:58,286 --> 00:34:01,081 That's right. I heard your mother worked here. 490 00:34:02,707 --> 00:34:04,042 Snap! 491 00:34:06,503 --> 00:34:08,213 My mother doesn't work here. 492 00:34:09,923 --> 00:34:13,593 No more games, okay? Is this Blue Steel or not? 493 00:34:13,969 --> 00:34:15,303 Not even close. 494 00:34:15,804 --> 00:34:17,681 I knew what it was the moment I saw it. 495 00:34:18,181 --> 00:34:19,558 It's an old one... From the 90s. 496 00:34:19,641 --> 00:34:21,685 It was for a body lotion campaign I did. 497 00:34:22,102 --> 00:34:23,812 I called it "Aqua Vitae". 498 00:35:05,186 --> 00:35:06,855 Young forever. 499 00:35:07,188 --> 00:35:09,357 Moo! 500 00:35:14,738 --> 00:35:16,364 Still holds up. 501 00:35:17,198 --> 00:35:19,159 Notice the curvature of my right eyebrow. 502 00:35:19,242 --> 00:35:20,952 It's night and day from Blue Steel. 503 00:35:21,620 --> 00:35:22,662 He's right. 504 00:35:22,746 --> 00:35:26,583 When I overlay them, there are over 14,000 different facial anomalies. 505 00:35:26,958 --> 00:35:28,043 Wow. 506 00:35:28,126 --> 00:35:31,379 I had no idea there was so much subtlety involved. 507 00:35:33,214 --> 00:35:35,550 Please accept my apologies, Derek. 508 00:35:35,842 --> 00:35:37,344 None taken. 509 00:35:48,355 --> 00:35:51,232 Filippo, we need to find everything there is on Aqua Vitae. 510 00:35:54,277 --> 00:35:56,780 Hold on a second, lady. A deal's a deal. 511 00:35:57,989 --> 00:35:59,824 Now, you help me find my son. 512 00:35:59,949 --> 00:36:03,078 Sure. His name is Derek Jr.? 513 00:36:03,328 --> 00:36:04,329 Yes. 514 00:36:04,412 --> 00:36:06,247 Have you ever Facebooked him? 515 00:36:06,706 --> 00:36:09,376 No, thanks. Matilda facebooked 516 00:36:09,876 --> 00:36:11,378 and it killed her. 517 00:36:12,045 --> 00:36:13,046 Found him. 518 00:36:13,129 --> 00:36:15,882 He's at the Orphanage Del Piccolo Cletusi. 519 00:36:17,384 --> 00:36:19,928 Here. In Rome. 520 00:36:20,595 --> 00:36:21,888 Wait. What? 521 00:36:22,764 --> 00:36:23,890 He's in Rome. 522 00:36:23,973 --> 00:36:27,102 That's convenient. So we can hit that party at the IncrediBall. 523 00:36:27,769 --> 00:36:29,854 A little too convenient. 524 00:36:30,689 --> 00:36:33,900 Someone wants you here, guys. But who? 525 00:36:34,943 --> 00:36:35,944 Listen to me. 526 00:36:36,194 --> 00:36:40,323 Be careful at the orphanage. And trust no one at House of Atoz. 527 00:36:40,740 --> 00:36:42,450 I'll see what I can find. 528 00:37:10,645 --> 00:37:13,732 Thanks for coming with me. I feel kind of nervous. 529 00:37:13,815 --> 00:37:16,776 Hey. You're showing up. Feel good. 530 00:37:30,331 --> 00:37:32,500 - That must be him. - Where? 531 00:37:39,257 --> 00:37:41,801 He's even more gorgeous than I imagined. 532 00:37:43,511 --> 00:37:45,513 You're a lucky man. 533 00:37:46,848 --> 00:37:48,183 You there. Boy. 534 00:37:50,435 --> 00:37:52,437 - What's his name? - Who? 535 00:37:53,271 --> 00:37:54,314 Him? 536 00:37:55,440 --> 00:37:57,108 That's Fabrizio. 537 00:37:57,567 --> 00:37:58,902 Fabrizio. 538 00:37:59,694 --> 00:38:01,404 What a beautiful name. 539 00:38:02,155 --> 00:38:04,365 He used to be called Derek Jr. 540 00:38:04,783 --> 00:38:07,368 Really? That's strange, 'cause that's my name. 541 00:38:17,420 --> 00:38:18,755 Bye, mister. 542 00:38:19,964 --> 00:38:22,801 - Let's go. Let's go. - What? Why? 543 00:38:22,884 --> 00:38:25,220 - I can't do this. - Why not? 544 00:38:25,303 --> 00:38:28,389 He's fat! The fat one is Derek Jr. 545 00:38:28,807 --> 00:38:32,393 No, that chubby kid's name is Fatlander. I heard them call him that. 546 00:38:32,477 --> 00:38:34,813 Don't you get it? He switched the "Zoo" part with "Fat". 547 00:38:34,896 --> 00:38:37,899 That's how he came up with "Fatlander". Fat equals Zoo! 548 00:38:38,233 --> 00:38:41,194 So wait. You're saying that just because your son is fat 549 00:38:41,277 --> 00:38:43,696 that makes him some sort of terrible person? 550 00:38:45,073 --> 00:38:46,074 Maybe you're right. 551 00:38:46,157 --> 00:38:47,283 No, I'm asking. 552 00:38:47,367 --> 00:38:50,161 Does being fat make someone a terrible person? 553 00:38:50,245 --> 00:38:51,287 And I'm agreeing with you. 554 00:38:51,371 --> 00:38:54,707 I seriously think my fat son might be a terrible person. 555 00:38:58,253 --> 00:39:00,147 And it doesn't make him a good person, I know that. 556 00:39:00,171 --> 00:39:03,800 But I don't know what to say. I think you better puddle-talk it out. 557 00:39:16,354 --> 00:39:18,648 So I guess I have a lot to ponder. 558 00:39:19,858 --> 00:39:21,401 You sure do. 559 00:39:21,484 --> 00:39:23,820 Derek. 560 00:39:24,320 --> 00:39:26,197 What? Who's that? 561 00:39:26,281 --> 00:39:27,574 I don't know. It wasn't me. 562 00:39:28,324 --> 00:39:29,826 Derek. 563 00:39:30,159 --> 00:39:31,953 Derek. 564 00:39:32,954 --> 00:39:35,623 Ghost of Matilda? Is that really you? 565 00:39:35,957 --> 00:39:37,333 Yes, Derek. 566 00:39:37,417 --> 00:39:41,838 I'm sorry I haven't been in touch, but I've just been so dead. 567 00:39:42,338 --> 00:39:43,339 Listen. 568 00:39:43,798 --> 00:39:45,925 You must love our son. 569 00:39:46,217 --> 00:39:47,969 He needs you. 570 00:39:48,386 --> 00:39:51,139 But beware of the Headmaster. 571 00:39:52,056 --> 00:39:53,391 What's happening to you? 572 00:39:53,725 --> 00:39:55,560 Love our son. 573 00:39:56,895 --> 00:39:59,147 And beware the Headmaster. 574 00:40:00,732 --> 00:40:01,900 Hello. 575 00:40:03,234 --> 00:40:04,569 I'm the Headmaster. 576 00:40:05,194 --> 00:40:07,196 Derek Zoolander 577 00:40:07,739 --> 00:40:09,240 I'm assuming. 578 00:40:09,324 --> 00:40:11,993 Because I've never met you ever. 579 00:40:12,744 --> 00:40:16,247 Mr. Hansel informs me that you'd like to see your son. 580 00:40:16,831 --> 00:40:19,083 Easily arranged. Come. 581 00:40:23,546 --> 00:40:27,216 I should tell you, your son is incredibly gifted. 582 00:40:28,343 --> 00:40:29,427 Hello. 583 00:40:29,510 --> 00:40:32,347 <i>If you want to find the Spirits in the Material World,</i> 584 00:40:32,430 --> 00:40:35,558 <i>you need to talk to the Ghost in the Machine.</i> 585 00:40:35,642 --> 00:40:37,143 What? Who is this? 586 00:40:37,226 --> 00:40:39,354 <i>I have a Message in a Bottle for you,</i> 587 00:40:39,437 --> 00:40:42,231 <i>so don't go to The Police.</i> 588 00:40:42,857 --> 00:40:46,861 Okay, don't go to the police 'cause there's a message in a bottle. 589 00:40:46,945 --> 00:40:48,947 Okay, I got it. 590 00:40:49,405 --> 00:40:51,908 Now go prank call someone else, idiot. 591 00:40:52,367 --> 00:40:53,868 Here they are now. 592 00:41:00,083 --> 00:41:02,085 Hey, there, sport. 593 00:41:03,336 --> 00:41:05,630 I hear someone's a fat little smartypants. 594 00:41:09,425 --> 00:41:11,010 I'll leave you to it, then. 595 00:41:11,886 --> 00:41:13,137 I'm gonna let you two catch up 596 00:41:13,221 --> 00:41:15,098 and maybe hit the spa back at the Caca. 597 00:41:17,976 --> 00:41:20,979 Look, I know you have a lot of unresolved feelings, 598 00:41:21,062 --> 00:41:22,438 but I'm still your father. 599 00:41:22,897 --> 00:41:25,650 You're not my father. You weren't there. 600 00:41:25,733 --> 00:41:29,195 That wasn't my choice. I was there when you were little. 601 00:41:29,278 --> 00:41:31,781 Most kids play catch with their father. 602 00:41:32,240 --> 00:41:34,784 They don't go with them to a thong shoot. 603 00:41:35,368 --> 00:41:37,128 There are lots of starving children in Africa 604 00:41:37,203 --> 00:41:39,372 who would die to go to a thong shoot. 605 00:41:39,747 --> 00:41:40,748 What? 606 00:41:41,499 --> 00:41:44,961 Look, let me make it up to you. Let's go play ball-catching now. 607 00:41:45,294 --> 00:41:46,504 Ball-catching? 608 00:41:46,587 --> 00:41:48,881 So how's the family reunion going? 609 00:41:49,549 --> 00:41:53,177 Great. I'd like to check him out for a few hours, if that's okay. 610 00:41:53,261 --> 00:41:56,431 Sure. As long as he's back by sundown. 611 00:41:57,765 --> 00:41:59,434 He seems like a nice guy. 612 00:41:59,809 --> 00:42:01,477 You seem like an idiot. 613 00:42:02,562 --> 00:42:04,981 Okay, I think I know what would help right now. 614 00:42:05,440 --> 00:42:06,441 What? 615 00:42:07,483 --> 00:42:09,819 Frozen <i>chocolata gelato!</i> 616 00:42:22,123 --> 00:42:23,207 <i>Ciao!</i> 617 00:42:38,014 --> 00:42:39,891 Oh, my God! 618 00:42:50,651 --> 00:42:52,487 Hashtag, oops. 619 00:42:55,156 --> 00:42:58,951 You know, sometimes it takes an extremely traumatic experience 620 00:42:59,035 --> 00:43:01,287 to make you appreciate a good makeover. 621 00:43:01,370 --> 00:43:02,747 Am I right? 622 00:43:04,457 --> 00:43:05,625 Derek? 623 00:43:08,086 --> 00:43:09,629 Derek Jr.! 624 00:43:16,010 --> 00:43:18,387 {\an8}- Are you mentally insane? - What? 625 00:43:18,471 --> 00:43:21,641 What are you reading? <i>I Am Malalalala?</i> 626 00:43:21,974 --> 00:43:24,060 No books! Think of your mother. 627 00:43:25,478 --> 00:43:28,022 What's the big deal? Mom read tons of books. 628 00:43:28,356 --> 00:43:30,733 And a one-ton book killed her. 629 00:43:31,692 --> 00:43:34,112 The book didn't kill Mom. You did. 630 00:43:34,403 --> 00:43:36,364 And you nearly killed me, too. 631 00:43:37,198 --> 00:43:40,535 Come on. Look at us. We look ridiculous. 632 00:43:40,952 --> 00:43:43,162 What, okay, maybe your pants are a little loose. 633 00:43:43,246 --> 00:43:45,081 - Are you serious right now? - What? 634 00:43:45,414 --> 00:43:48,167 I don't want to be anything like you! 635 00:43:48,251 --> 00:43:49,377 You're a has-been! 636 00:43:50,002 --> 00:43:55,466 And you are the most narcissistic, self-involved person I've ever met! 637 00:43:56,467 --> 00:43:58,469 But that's not how I think of me. 638 00:43:59,303 --> 00:44:00,638 I'm going back to school. 639 00:44:01,848 --> 00:44:03,975 Little Derek, come back here! 640 00:44:04,058 --> 00:44:06,394 I thought we were gonna give each other facials! 641 00:44:12,775 --> 00:44:13,776 Wait. 642 00:44:15,069 --> 00:44:16,737 How did you learn to speak Italian? 643 00:44:16,821 --> 00:44:18,072 Because I'm smart! 644 00:44:19,407 --> 00:44:21,200 Mom was smart, too. 645 00:44:21,284 --> 00:44:25,079 The only stupid thing she ever did was fall in love with you. 646 00:44:26,581 --> 00:44:30,042 I don't even have the words to express what a burn that is. 647 00:44:32,003 --> 00:44:33,671 I don't know what to say. 648 00:44:34,422 --> 00:44:37,466 No, I mean I literally don't have the vocabulary to respond. 649 00:44:37,800 --> 00:44:40,136 You're like a walking Tyrannosaurus. 650 00:44:40,887 --> 00:44:43,222 You mean "walking thesaurus". 651 00:44:44,390 --> 00:44:45,808 I don't know. 652 00:44:46,851 --> 00:44:50,104 I guess it's nice that you want to reconnect or whatever. 653 00:44:50,188 --> 00:44:53,191 But we're too different. And it's too late. 654 00:44:54,942 --> 00:44:56,569 Thanks for the gelato. 655 00:45:15,004 --> 00:45:16,339 Orgy. 656 00:45:19,133 --> 00:45:21,260 {\an8}Hi, there, Hansel. 657 00:45:28,351 --> 00:45:30,853 I heard you 658 00:45:31,437 --> 00:45:32,855 are on the rebound. 659 00:45:32,939 --> 00:45:35,608 No, no. I'm still... Still committed. 660 00:45:35,691 --> 00:45:38,194 We're just taking a little time to kind of... 661 00:45:38,736 --> 00:45:41,739 Doesn't mean we can't enjoy each other's bodies. 662 00:45:42,949 --> 00:45:44,242 Damn it. 663 00:45:44,992 --> 00:45:46,327 Hansel. 664 00:45:47,161 --> 00:45:50,831 Meaningless sex always makes me feel better about myself. 665 00:45:54,210 --> 00:45:55,878 Come on. 666 00:46:19,235 --> 00:46:20,403 Hansel! 667 00:46:21,821 --> 00:46:22,989 We know you're in there! 668 00:46:23,072 --> 00:46:24,156 Stay here. Stay here. 669 00:46:25,324 --> 00:46:27,868 Hansel, let us in! We want to apologize! 670 00:46:28,953 --> 00:46:31,247 Come back to the pigpile, Hansel. 671 00:46:31,330 --> 00:46:34,792 Touch-a, touch-a, touch me. I want to be dirty. 672 00:46:34,875 --> 00:46:36,961 That's it. I've had enough. Everybody, back up. 673 00:46:37,044 --> 00:46:39,046 Back! Back! 674 00:46:43,217 --> 00:46:44,719 Hello! Hello! 675 00:46:46,053 --> 00:46:47,263 My gosh. 676 00:46:47,346 --> 00:46:48,389 God... 677 00:47:01,527 --> 00:47:02,695 Hansel. 678 00:47:02,778 --> 00:47:05,156 Okay. You guys have a talk. I'm going to a bar. 679 00:47:05,239 --> 00:47:07,116 That's a good idea. Yeah, go. 680 00:47:07,199 --> 00:47:08,200 Hey... 681 00:47:08,617 --> 00:47:10,494 You are a basic bitch. 682 00:47:11,412 --> 00:47:14,415 Come on, let's go. Come on. Out. 683 00:47:14,790 --> 00:47:16,167 I can kill you. 684 00:47:18,627 --> 00:47:20,755 Please. Let me just explain. 685 00:47:20,838 --> 00:47:23,758 Guys, you didn't even give me a chance to explain! 686 00:47:24,133 --> 00:47:26,844 Hansel, how can you expect to love 11 people 687 00:47:27,428 --> 00:47:29,555 when you don't even love yourself? 688 00:47:33,351 --> 00:47:35,353 I hope they were worth it. 689 00:47:36,437 --> 00:47:37,813 That's not fair. 690 00:47:38,064 --> 00:47:39,273 Kiefer! 691 00:47:39,440 --> 00:47:40,775 Kiefer! 692 00:47:44,737 --> 00:47:48,115 Hey, where'd everybody go? I wasn't done with that hippo. 693 00:47:53,621 --> 00:47:55,956 Who am I? 694 00:47:59,043 --> 00:48:00,252 Who am I? 695 00:48:03,255 --> 00:48:05,216 - Derek? - Hey, Hansel. 696 00:48:05,299 --> 00:48:07,468 Are you trying to figure out who you are, also? 697 00:48:07,802 --> 00:48:08,844 Yep. 698 00:48:09,470 --> 00:48:12,473 <i>Who am I?</i> 699 00:48:14,433 --> 00:48:15,768 Hey, Katy! 700 00:48:16,143 --> 00:48:19,730 Yeah, it's like, when will we find out who we really are? 701 00:48:20,064 --> 00:48:21,148 I know, right? 702 00:48:21,440 --> 00:48:22,775 Who am I? 703 00:48:23,401 --> 00:48:25,444 Neil deGrasse Tyson. 704 00:48:25,611 --> 00:48:27,071 Even you don't know who you are? 705 00:48:27,655 --> 00:48:29,740 In an ever-expanding universe, 706 00:48:29,824 --> 00:48:32,827 slowly pulling itself apart into nothingness, 707 00:48:33,536 --> 00:48:38,040 what use does the question "Who am I?" even have? 708 00:48:39,250 --> 00:48:43,170 Neil, I got to say, you're totally blowing my mind right now. 709 00:48:43,712 --> 00:48:45,256 That's what I do. 710 00:48:45,339 --> 00:48:48,134 I'm Neil deGrasse Tyson, bitch. 711 00:48:49,844 --> 00:48:53,055 Hansel! Derek! You have to come to Interpol! 712 00:48:53,180 --> 00:48:54,807 I have incredible news! 713 00:48:55,391 --> 00:48:58,269 We did a full diagnostic on your Aqua Vitae look, 714 00:48:58,352 --> 00:49:00,688 and a linguistics analysis on its etymology. 715 00:49:01,188 --> 00:49:03,607 The direct translation is "Water of Life." 716 00:49:03,691 --> 00:49:05,860 But many have interpreted it another way. 717 00:49:08,028 --> 00:49:09,572 "The Fountain of Youth." 718 00:49:10,948 --> 00:49:13,033 Okay, look, I only worked there for a summer. 719 00:49:13,117 --> 00:49:15,202 And, no, they don't give happy endings. 720 00:49:16,036 --> 00:49:18,873 No, Derek. The actual Fountain of Youth. 721 00:49:20,583 --> 00:49:25,379 Can you imagine if the Fountain of Youth indeed does exist... 722 00:49:26,088 --> 00:49:29,758 And if Alexanya Atoz could market such a liquid... 723 00:49:30,593 --> 00:49:32,428 <i>Do you ever get that feeling</i> 724 00:49:32,511 --> 00:49:36,307 <i>when you see beautiful teenager girl with perfect skin</i> 725 00:49:36,390 --> 00:49:39,685 <i>and you want to kill her and take her skin</i> 726 00:49:39,768 --> 00:49:41,645 <i>and put it on your skin?</i> 727 00:49:41,729 --> 00:49:43,522 <i>We bottled that feeling.</i> 728 00:49:43,731 --> 00:49:46,233 <i>House of Atoz Yowth Milk.</i> 729 00:49:47,318 --> 00:49:48,736 ...she would make billions. 730 00:49:50,988 --> 00:49:52,072 Excuse me. 731 00:49:54,575 --> 00:49:56,911 - Orgy? <i>- You are in serious danger.</i> 732 00:49:57,995 --> 00:50:00,122 <i>Don't Stand So Close To Me.</i> 733 00:50:00,206 --> 00:50:02,333 Come on. It's this prank caller again. 734 00:50:02,541 --> 00:50:03,901 - Put it on speaker. - What... Why? 735 00:50:03,959 --> 00:50:05,085 Just put it on speaker! 736 00:50:06,212 --> 00:50:07,296 Who is this? 737 00:50:07,588 --> 00:50:09,924 <i>I am your King of Pain.</i> 738 00:50:10,007 --> 00:50:13,511 Every breath this guy takes, I'm like, "What are you talking about?" 739 00:50:14,094 --> 00:50:15,095 <i>Jesus.</i> 740 00:50:15,179 --> 00:50:17,806 <i>Just meet me at Saint Peter's Basilica at midnight.</i> 741 00:50:20,100 --> 00:50:21,936 Sounds like this guy's really into Sting. 742 00:50:23,187 --> 00:50:24,939 I model my life after Sting. 743 00:50:25,481 --> 00:50:28,067 And Bieber was killed in front of Sting's villa. 744 00:50:29,235 --> 00:50:30,277 What? 745 00:51:15,531 --> 00:51:16,699 Forgive me, Father. 746 00:51:16,782 --> 00:51:18,826 I have many sins that I would like to confess. 747 00:51:19,994 --> 00:51:23,038 One of my sins has to do with the death of Justin Bieber. 748 00:51:32,172 --> 00:51:33,507 No way. 749 00:51:34,717 --> 00:51:35,884 Hey, Derek. 750 00:51:36,343 --> 00:51:37,511 Hey, Sting. 751 00:51:38,262 --> 00:51:40,222 And hello, sweet Hansel. 752 00:51:41,015 --> 00:51:42,141 Hi. 753 00:51:42,891 --> 00:51:44,351 You two know each other? 754 00:51:45,019 --> 00:51:46,645 Sadly, we've never met. 755 00:51:46,854 --> 00:51:48,606 And yet I feel like I've known you 756 00:51:49,481 --> 00:51:51,150 - my entire life. - My entire life. 757 00:51:53,861 --> 00:51:54,903 Tell me. 758 00:51:55,904 --> 00:51:57,698 Have you heard of the Fountain of Youth? 759 00:51:58,365 --> 00:52:01,452 Yes. Why does everybody keep asking me that? 760 00:52:02,119 --> 00:52:04,913 No, Derek, not the hand job joint you worked at in SoHo. 761 00:52:05,039 --> 00:52:06,415 The real Fountain of Youth. 762 00:52:07,333 --> 00:52:09,585 It dates back some 6,000 years. 763 00:52:10,753 --> 00:52:15,049 Its original location is thought to have been the Garden of Eden. 764 00:52:16,175 --> 00:52:19,887 You mean the Turkish bathhouse I used to work at in Tribeca? 765 00:52:22,056 --> 00:52:24,892 No, Derek. The Garden of Eden. 766 00:52:26,977 --> 00:52:29,480 <i>The birthplace of Adam and Eve</i> 767 00:52:30,564 --> 00:52:32,232 <i>and Steve.</i> 768 00:52:35,152 --> 00:52:37,071 Steve? Who's Steve? 769 00:52:38,322 --> 00:52:42,409 Steve is the original supermodel. The first of the purebloods. 770 00:52:42,660 --> 00:52:46,121 He was said to be so beautiful, with a look so powerful 771 00:52:46,246 --> 00:52:48,499 <i>that even the pools of water he gazed upon</i> 772 00:52:48,749 --> 00:52:50,417 <i>could not reflect his beauty back to him.</i> 773 00:52:52,252 --> 00:52:53,253 <i>That look...</i> 774 00:52:54,046 --> 00:52:57,007 That look was called <i>"El Niño".</i> 775 00:52:58,717 --> 00:53:02,096 But, honestly, I've never heard of Steve. 776 00:53:02,930 --> 00:53:06,308 Countless lives throughout history have been lost to make sure of that. 777 00:53:06,975 --> 00:53:10,437 Evil forces have hunted his offspring for centuries. 778 00:53:12,481 --> 00:53:14,316 <i>For the legend states</i> 779 00:53:14,483 --> 00:53:17,069 <i>that if you wrench the still-beating heart</i> 780 00:53:17,152 --> 00:53:20,364 <i>from the gorgeous body of a true descendent of Steve</i> 781 00:53:20,447 --> 00:53:22,324 <i>and drink its blood,</i> 782 00:53:22,408 --> 00:53:25,327 <i>you will obtain eternal beauty.</i> 783 00:53:27,287 --> 00:53:29,957 So the Fountain of Youth is not a fountain at all. 784 00:53:30,666 --> 00:53:32,209 The Fountain of Youth is... 785 00:53:32,292 --> 00:53:34,712 A person. And not just anyone. 786 00:53:35,295 --> 00:53:38,841 A direct descendent of Steve. The Chosen One. 787 00:53:39,633 --> 00:53:41,051 How do you know all this? 788 00:53:41,301 --> 00:53:45,389 Because I, and many rock stars like me, are his protectors. 789 00:53:46,557 --> 00:53:48,267 You see, there are only a few genes 790 00:53:48,350 --> 00:53:52,646 that separate the greatest rock stars in history from male models. 791 00:53:52,896 --> 00:53:54,356 Which genes are those? 792 00:53:54,982 --> 00:53:57,151 The ones for talent and intelligence. 793 00:53:57,735 --> 00:53:58,986 Of course. 794 00:53:59,278 --> 00:54:02,197 We were entrusted to protect the Chosen Ones. 795 00:54:02,781 --> 00:54:04,283 But who is the Chosen One? 796 00:54:04,575 --> 00:54:07,286 We believe it is your son. 797 00:54:08,454 --> 00:54:10,414 And that he is in grave danger. 798 00:54:11,540 --> 00:54:12,642 But he's back at the school! 799 00:54:12,666 --> 00:54:15,061 We have to get to him before something terrible happens to him! 800 00:54:15,085 --> 00:54:18,255 No. Wait. Hansel. Look into my eyes. 801 00:54:19,673 --> 00:54:21,550 Is there anything you want to ask me? 802 00:54:21,675 --> 00:54:23,177 Anything at all? 803 00:54:25,804 --> 00:54:28,474 Do you really have sex for ten hours? 804 00:54:30,976 --> 00:54:32,060 No comment. 805 00:54:32,686 --> 00:54:33,812 Fifteen. 806 00:54:36,565 --> 00:54:39,610 Farewell, my handsome boy. Farewell. 807 00:54:39,693 --> 00:54:40,819 Good-bye, Sting. 808 00:54:55,125 --> 00:54:56,251 Bolt cutters! 809 00:55:07,054 --> 00:55:08,222 He's gone! 810 00:55:10,766 --> 00:55:13,101 It's like no one was ever here. 811 00:55:15,479 --> 00:55:17,689 - It was a wig. - What? 812 00:55:17,773 --> 00:55:19,691 It was a wig the whole time. 813 00:55:19,775 --> 00:55:21,068 That was a wig? 814 00:55:21,235 --> 00:55:24,154 That Headmaster wasn't a good guy at all! 815 00:55:24,238 --> 00:55:25,239 No! 816 00:55:25,739 --> 00:55:28,784 No! No! No! 817 00:55:28,909 --> 00:55:31,578 Derek! Derek, relax! 818 00:55:37,918 --> 00:55:39,127 Don't do it. 819 00:55:40,170 --> 00:55:41,588 When you want to go to it. 820 00:55:48,929 --> 00:55:50,097 - Filippo. <i>- Si.</i> 821 00:55:50,222 --> 00:55:51,932 I need you to pull up everything you have 822 00:55:52,015 --> 00:55:54,184 on the man who was arrested back in 2001 823 00:55:54,268 --> 00:55:55,686 for brainwashing Zoolander. 824 00:55:55,811 --> 00:55:57,521 Facial scans to be cross-referenced 825 00:55:57,604 --> 00:56:00,274 with security footage of the headmaster of the orphanage. 826 00:56:03,610 --> 00:56:05,445 <i>It's a positive I.D.</i> 827 00:56:06,655 --> 00:56:09,324 {\an8}<i>The Headmaster didn't even have a name or papers.</i> 828 00:56:09,575 --> 00:56:12,411 {\an8}Oh, my God. It's the evil breakdancing DJ. 829 00:56:12,786 --> 00:56:16,456 {\an8}<i>He was arrested with Mugatu and his accomplice back in 2001.</i> 830 00:56:17,291 --> 00:56:19,960 It's Katinka Ingaborgovinananananana. 831 00:56:20,252 --> 00:56:21,378 Where are they now? 832 00:56:21,461 --> 00:56:24,089 <i>Ingaborgovinananananana disappeared off the grid.</i> 833 00:56:24,423 --> 00:56:26,884 <i>It looks like the Evil DJ came through the Swiss border</i> 834 00:56:26,967 --> 00:56:29,219 <i>with forged papers about three weeks ago.</i> 835 00:56:30,429 --> 00:56:32,264 <i>I suppose they could have...</i> 836 00:56:32,639 --> 00:56:35,183 Driven to Rome and kidnapped Derek's son. 837 00:56:35,726 --> 00:56:36,768 <i>Exactly!</i> 838 00:56:36,894 --> 00:56:39,563 Which means the person behind all of this is... 839 00:56:49,156 --> 00:56:50,240 Who? 840 00:56:52,868 --> 00:56:53,994 Who? 841 00:56:54,745 --> 00:56:56,079 Who are we talking about? 842 00:57:09,051 --> 00:57:10,469 {\an8}<i>Mugatu's in there.</i> 843 00:57:11,637 --> 00:57:13,430 For ten years, there has only been one name 844 00:57:13,513 --> 00:57:15,682 on the list of visitors that he will allow. 845 00:57:18,894 --> 00:57:20,228 Thank you. 846 00:57:21,730 --> 00:57:22,814 For what? 847 00:57:23,190 --> 00:57:24,399 For helping us. 848 00:57:28,362 --> 00:57:31,823 When I was a little girl growing up in Albacete, 849 00:57:31,907 --> 00:57:35,535 my room was covered in pictures of Derek Zoolander. 850 00:57:38,622 --> 00:57:41,375 The most amazing model alive. 851 00:57:45,337 --> 00:57:47,506 Except I'm not one anymore. 852 00:57:48,173 --> 00:57:49,800 My son called me a has-been. 853 00:57:52,552 --> 00:57:54,054 I'm a has-been. 854 00:57:55,472 --> 00:57:57,140 What kind of has-been were you? 855 00:58:01,937 --> 00:58:03,897 I was a swimsuit model. 856 00:58:04,314 --> 00:58:05,994 - I'm so sorry. - My heart goes out to you. 857 00:58:07,526 --> 00:58:11,321 I was never able to transition to print or runway. 858 00:58:12,614 --> 00:58:14,616 To your world of high fashion. 859 00:58:15,951 --> 00:58:17,411 Because of these. 860 00:58:18,537 --> 00:58:22,207 These intrusive, oversized naturals. 861 00:58:25,252 --> 00:58:28,171 These things could never fit into a sample size. 862 00:58:29,798 --> 00:58:31,133 Gross. 863 00:58:36,388 --> 00:58:38,348 You need to go for this now. 864 00:58:38,432 --> 00:58:40,142 Not later. Now. 865 00:58:40,600 --> 00:58:42,227 - Hansel, are you serious? - Yes. 866 00:58:42,310 --> 00:58:44,271 While Matilda lies warm in her grave? 867 00:58:44,438 --> 00:58:47,399 Matilda's been dead for years. You need to move on. 868 00:58:47,482 --> 00:58:50,193 Honestly, by now she's just a couple of teeth. 869 00:58:50,277 --> 00:58:51,528 A piece of spine. 870 00:58:51,611 --> 00:58:55,323 Maybe a little skull fragment, like that guy from <i>Tales from the Crypt.</i> 871 00:58:55,407 --> 00:58:56,616 The Crypt Keeper. 872 00:58:57,242 --> 00:58:59,703 Hansel, stop it! I'm not ready. 873 00:59:17,179 --> 00:59:21,099 The world's most notorious fashion criminals are in there. 874 00:59:22,142 --> 00:59:25,729 Be careful, Derek. He'll try to get inside your head. 875 00:59:26,146 --> 00:59:29,191 Don't worry. It's closed for business. 876 00:59:37,532 --> 00:59:39,326 Give 'em hell, Derek. 877 00:59:55,592 --> 00:59:58,512 You're goin' down, Zoolander! You're goin' down, listen to me! 878 00:59:58,678 --> 01:00:01,890 You better listen to the Hammer! Can't touch this! 879 01:00:01,973 --> 01:00:06,144 No! No! Zoolander can't touch Mugatu! No! 880 01:00:07,020 --> 01:00:08,313 Shut up, Hammer! 881 01:00:09,189 --> 01:00:12,109 Members Only. Members Only. 882 01:00:13,443 --> 01:00:15,904 Epaulettes are not a crime. 883 01:00:16,238 --> 01:00:19,449 Smart casual. Smart casual. 884 01:00:19,658 --> 01:00:21,451 Listen to me. You can't touch him! 885 01:00:21,701 --> 01:00:24,371 Mr. Hammer is wrong! 886 01:00:49,271 --> 01:00:52,232 Derek Zoolander. 887 01:00:54,901 --> 01:00:56,403 I've been expecting you. 888 01:01:03,451 --> 01:01:05,203 What have you done with my son? 889 01:01:06,580 --> 01:01:11,042 Hands. Our most overrated appendage. 890 01:01:12,210 --> 01:01:14,504 When not allowed the use of them, 891 01:01:14,588 --> 01:01:15,922 you'd be surprised how quickly 892 01:01:16,089 --> 01:01:18,633 feet can be trained to do the exact same thing. 893 01:01:28,268 --> 01:01:30,604 Your son is doing wonderfully. 894 01:01:32,105 --> 01:01:35,609 From what the school tells my offshore accountant... 895 01:01:35,775 --> 01:01:37,611 He's incredibly smart. 896 01:01:37,986 --> 01:01:39,237 Your accountant? 897 01:01:39,988 --> 01:01:42,741 Who do you think paid for that fancy orphanage? 898 01:01:42,824 --> 01:01:44,093 When he was taken away from you, 899 01:01:44,117 --> 01:01:46,912 someone had to make sure he got his eight square meals a day. 900 01:01:47,495 --> 01:01:49,831 Eight? You bastard! 901 01:01:54,961 --> 01:01:57,339 I'm sorry. I'd love to keep talking about this, but 902 01:01:58,089 --> 01:02:00,592 I seem to have developed a nasty itch. 903 01:02:03,136 --> 01:02:04,596 I'd ask you to scratch it for me, 904 01:02:04,679 --> 01:02:07,849 but no doubt you'd think I was just trying to trick you. 905 01:02:12,479 --> 01:02:16,149 Or you're trying to make me think I shouldn't help you. 906 01:02:16,483 --> 01:02:21,488 In which case, I should do the opposite of that and help you. 907 01:02:22,906 --> 01:02:24,324 Or don't help me. 908 01:02:24,950 --> 01:02:26,618 I think that's even a better option. 909 01:02:29,871 --> 01:02:33,250 You're trying to switch it around on me, but I won't take the bait. 910 01:02:33,959 --> 01:02:35,418 Sorry, Mugatu. 911 01:02:35,502 --> 01:02:38,296 I'm going with my first instinct. And helping you. 912 01:02:42,509 --> 01:02:44,177 I really wish you wouldn't. 913 01:02:44,261 --> 01:02:47,055 Too late. The die is cast. 914 01:02:47,180 --> 01:02:48,556 I'd prefer that you didn't. 915 01:02:48,640 --> 01:02:51,476 - I'm going to do it. - Please don't. 916 01:02:59,776 --> 01:03:01,278 Let me go! 917 01:03:01,569 --> 01:03:05,532 Not until you untie my straitjacket and put it on, okay? 918 01:03:06,700 --> 01:03:08,868 If I do, will you let me go? 919 01:03:09,661 --> 01:03:10,704 No! 920 01:03:12,080 --> 01:03:13,999 Which means you will let me go. 921 01:03:14,291 --> 01:03:15,750 So I'll do it. 922 01:03:16,209 --> 01:03:17,585 Oh, my gosh. 923 01:03:17,711 --> 01:03:18,878 Okay! 924 01:03:20,547 --> 01:03:23,550 Check and mate, Mugatu. 925 01:03:24,467 --> 01:03:25,760 Your move. 926 01:03:28,138 --> 01:03:29,806 You really are an idiot, aren't you? 927 01:03:30,849 --> 01:03:35,687 Like, super, super white hot, blazingly stupid. 928 01:03:38,356 --> 01:03:41,151 For ten long years... 929 01:03:41,401 --> 01:03:45,405 I've been plotting my escape from this dreadful place. 930 01:03:45,655 --> 01:03:48,825 <i>For ten long years. For ten long years.</i> 931 01:03:48,908 --> 01:03:53,705 Ten years spent creating some of the most realistic and lifelike masks 932 01:03:54,205 --> 01:03:55,790 <i>ever made.</i> 933 01:03:57,584 --> 01:03:58,710 One for you. 934 01:04:01,838 --> 01:04:03,298 And one for me. 935 01:04:06,760 --> 01:04:07,844 All so that today 936 01:04:08,845 --> 01:04:11,097 you can become me! 937 01:04:13,767 --> 01:04:15,602 And I can become... 938 01:04:17,062 --> 01:04:18,229 ...you! 939 01:04:24,361 --> 01:04:25,528 That's it? 940 01:04:25,987 --> 01:04:27,530 You'll never get away with this. 941 01:04:29,532 --> 01:04:32,327 All of the guards here are former male models. 942 01:04:32,410 --> 01:04:34,954 Somehow I don't think it's gonna be a problem. 943 01:04:35,288 --> 01:04:37,540 Guard! Guard! 944 01:04:38,124 --> 01:04:39,834 Will that be all, Mr. Zoolander? 945 01:04:40,001 --> 01:04:41,378 That will be all. 946 01:04:42,670 --> 01:04:43,838 No! 947 01:04:44,297 --> 01:04:45,298 No! 948 01:04:46,383 --> 01:04:48,426 Come back here, Mugatu! 949 01:04:48,593 --> 01:04:49,886 Mugatu! 950 01:05:30,927 --> 01:05:33,012 - Go get Derek! - What? 951 01:05:33,096 --> 01:05:34,431 Go get Derek! 952 01:05:34,514 --> 01:05:36,182 And tell my orgy I love them! 953 01:05:42,564 --> 01:05:43,606 Todd! 954 01:05:45,817 --> 01:05:48,445 Where's my goddamn latte? 955 01:06:14,304 --> 01:06:16,473 And here. 956 01:06:22,228 --> 01:06:23,228 What's that? 957 01:06:23,271 --> 01:06:25,732 I missed you, too. I know. 958 01:07:07,524 --> 01:07:09,192 Alexanya! 959 01:07:11,319 --> 01:07:12,403 Moo-Moo! 960 01:07:38,388 --> 01:07:39,556 Alexanya! 961 01:07:39,931 --> 01:07:41,641 No. Hey, sorry to interrupt. 962 01:07:41,724 --> 01:07:42,809 What? 963 01:07:44,060 --> 01:07:47,188 Don Atari, what are you doing here? Don't you knuck? 964 01:07:47,981 --> 01:07:51,067 Mugatu? What? No way, dude. 965 01:07:51,442 --> 01:07:53,570 I thought you were supposed to be in jail, dude. 966 01:07:53,987 --> 01:07:55,907 You're like some dangerous criminal that tried to 967 01:07:55,989 --> 01:07:57,574 assassinate a world leader, dude. 968 01:07:57,657 --> 01:08:00,577 That was some crazy retro-Bond shit. 969 01:08:00,660 --> 01:08:02,870 So corny. I loved it. 970 01:08:04,038 --> 01:08:05,164 Who are you? 971 01:08:06,332 --> 01:08:09,168 Hello! I know you been all Shawshanked out, but, 972 01:08:09,502 --> 01:08:12,422 like, seriously, I'm the new stupid king of fashion, whatever. 973 01:08:12,505 --> 01:08:13,881 Don Atari, baby. 974 01:08:14,549 --> 01:08:15,550 What! 975 01:08:16,217 --> 01:08:18,011 So you know who I am, right? 976 01:08:19,721 --> 01:08:21,097 Derelicte was the dumbest, dude. 977 01:08:21,180 --> 01:08:24,350 You and SpongeBob are, honestly, like, my biggest influences ever, dude. 978 01:08:25,351 --> 01:08:28,521 And did you just escape from prison in the most ingenious way possible? 979 01:08:30,732 --> 01:08:31,774 What? 980 01:08:32,150 --> 01:08:35,653 And did you engineer the abduction and fattening of the son of Zoolander, 981 01:08:35,737 --> 01:08:38,406 and the delivery of the Chosen One for ritual sacrifice 982 01:08:39,282 --> 01:08:40,867 as the key to the Fountain of Youth? 983 01:08:41,743 --> 01:08:42,869 Did you? 984 01:08:43,953 --> 01:08:45,371 Did you? Did you do that? 985 01:08:45,747 --> 01:08:46,998 - Naw. - Naw? 986 01:08:47,540 --> 01:08:48,666 Naw. 987 01:08:48,875 --> 01:08:50,209 - Naw? - Naw. 988 01:08:50,376 --> 01:08:51,628 Did you say "naw"? 989 01:08:52,378 --> 01:08:54,547 I said "naw". 990 01:08:55,173 --> 01:08:58,343 So, I just want to ask you again. 991 01:08:59,052 --> 01:09:02,889 Do you know 992 01:09:03,556 --> 01:09:07,143 who I am? 993 01:09:08,811 --> 01:09:10,146 Whatever, you're... 994 01:09:12,398 --> 01:09:14,108 I'm Jaca-boo-who? 995 01:09:14,567 --> 01:09:15,777 Jacobim Mugatu. 996 01:09:15,902 --> 01:09:18,821 That's right! I'm Jacobim Mugatu! 997 01:09:18,905 --> 01:09:21,824 Fashion genius. And you... 998 01:09:22,617 --> 01:09:24,285 You are no one! 999 01:09:24,577 --> 01:09:26,079 Do you understand me? 1000 01:09:26,871 --> 01:09:28,206 No one! 1001 01:09:28,623 --> 01:09:30,208 I'm the Mamba Bajamba! 1002 01:09:31,542 --> 01:09:33,503 I'm the Mamba Bajamba! 1003 01:09:34,671 --> 01:09:35,838 Todd! 1004 01:09:40,218 --> 01:09:42,970 You'll take my name into death! 1005 01:09:43,054 --> 01:09:46,094 You should know, I actually care about everybody and everything very truly... 1006 01:09:47,558 --> 01:09:50,603 That's right! I just killed a little hipster! 1007 01:09:50,937 --> 01:09:51,979 Yeah! 1008 01:09:52,188 --> 01:09:54,190 Prison changed me deeply! 1009 01:09:54,732 --> 01:09:57,819 It affected me psychologically. I'm a psycho! 1010 01:09:59,362 --> 01:10:02,281 This is just the beginning. Watch out! 1011 01:10:02,615 --> 01:10:04,158 Buyer beware! 1012 01:10:05,034 --> 01:10:07,495 Now where is that chubby little blood fountain? 1013 01:10:10,623 --> 01:10:11,624 Hansel! 1014 01:10:11,874 --> 01:10:13,835 Guys, Mugatz just killed Atari. 1015 01:10:14,127 --> 01:10:15,461 <i>For serious?</i> 1016 01:10:15,545 --> 01:10:17,380 Also, they're going to kill your son tonight. 1017 01:10:18,297 --> 01:10:19,424 What? 1018 01:10:19,507 --> 01:10:22,135 Hang on. I'm gonna try to get more intel. 1019 01:10:31,602 --> 01:10:33,980 What's going on? Why did you kidnap me? 1020 01:10:34,147 --> 01:10:37,066 I didn't kidnap you. Don't be a silly-billy. 1021 01:10:37,400 --> 01:10:41,529 I'm just a fun, non-threatening clown, that's what I am. 1022 01:10:42,655 --> 01:10:45,616 Who wants to massively increase your caloric intake. 1023 01:10:45,783 --> 01:10:46,784 Look. 1024 01:10:47,326 --> 01:10:48,494 Come here. 1025 01:10:48,578 --> 01:10:50,830 There's an all-you-can-eat pasta bar. 1026 01:10:53,958 --> 01:10:55,585 <i>Abbondanza!</i> 1027 01:10:55,710 --> 01:10:59,005 Spicy hot <i>pasta puttanesca</i> 1028 01:10:59,505 --> 01:11:01,215 which means "whore's pasta"! 1029 01:11:01,549 --> 01:11:04,635 As in a whore, who made this pasta. 1030 01:11:06,721 --> 01:11:08,389 Doesn't that look delicious? 1031 01:11:08,598 --> 01:11:12,935 Next, an all-you-can-eat lard bar. 1032 01:11:14,061 --> 01:11:15,813 Squirt, piggy, squirt! 1033 01:11:15,897 --> 01:11:17,648 Squirt it! Squirt! 1034 01:11:24,697 --> 01:11:29,035 All the lard you want! Fill your little tummy full of lard! 1035 01:11:29,452 --> 01:11:31,746 - Hansel, where is he now? <i>- He's okay.</i> 1036 01:11:32,121 --> 01:11:34,683 It's actually kind of nice. Mugatu's hooked him up with some snacks. 1037 01:11:34,707 --> 01:11:38,211 He's got like a lard bar and some cheesecake and stuff. 1038 01:11:38,336 --> 01:11:39,629 <i>And pasta, too.</i> 1039 01:11:39,796 --> 01:11:40,880 No! 1040 01:11:41,088 --> 01:11:44,217 No. You're right. He's fattening him for the slaughter. 1041 01:11:44,550 --> 01:11:46,219 You can drop this stupid act. 1042 01:11:46,719 --> 01:11:49,722 I know who you are. You're Jacob Moogberg. 1043 01:11:50,097 --> 01:11:51,808 And you're supposed to be in jail. 1044 01:11:52,433 --> 01:11:56,062 Hey! Jacob Moogberg died the day I put ebony and ivory 1045 01:11:56,145 --> 01:11:59,482 on skinny satin neckwear! You hear me? 1046 01:11:59,732 --> 01:12:01,609 Okay. I got to make my move. Later. 1047 01:12:02,235 --> 01:12:04,529 You listen to me, Biggie Smalls. 1048 01:12:04,904 --> 01:12:06,072 I went to prison! 1049 01:12:06,489 --> 01:12:09,408 You better scarf down that last bowl of whore pasta! 1050 01:12:09,492 --> 01:12:10,576 We roll in two! 1051 01:12:21,629 --> 01:12:23,256 You okay in there, little fella? 1052 01:12:23,506 --> 01:12:26,175 - We should call the police boat! - They'll never get here in time. 1053 01:12:27,009 --> 01:12:29,178 Who says swimsuit models are useless? 1054 01:12:30,137 --> 01:12:31,430 Wait. What are you doing? 1055 01:12:33,432 --> 01:12:35,184 How long can you hold your breath? 1056 01:12:35,560 --> 01:12:37,645 - What? - Take me from behind, Derek. 1057 01:12:38,646 --> 01:12:40,565 And grab me like your life depends on it. 1058 01:12:42,024 --> 01:12:43,442 Not like this. 1059 01:12:43,609 --> 01:12:47,113 Like this! For safety. And buoyancy. 1060 01:12:47,446 --> 01:12:48,614 Wait. What? 1061 01:12:48,739 --> 01:12:50,324 We are swimming back to Rome. 1062 01:12:51,117 --> 01:12:52,201 Okay. 1063 01:12:57,206 --> 01:12:58,666 I just talked to your dad. 1064 01:12:58,749 --> 01:13:00,543 And we've got to get you out of here pronto. 1065 01:13:01,043 --> 01:13:02,503 I never want to see him again. 1066 01:13:03,212 --> 01:13:05,214 What're you talking about? Your dad's a great guy. 1067 01:13:05,298 --> 01:13:06,632 He loves you like you're his own. 1068 01:13:07,174 --> 01:13:08,634 I am his own! 1069 01:13:08,843 --> 01:13:11,095 He's literally the worst father ever! 1070 01:13:11,637 --> 01:13:13,389 Do you know it would break your mom's heart 1071 01:13:13,472 --> 01:13:15,641 to hear you bugging out on your dad like this? 1072 01:13:16,559 --> 01:13:17,977 You knew my mom? 1073 01:13:18,644 --> 01:13:22,148 Yeah. One of the most amazing women I ever met. 1074 01:13:22,940 --> 01:13:23,941 Really? 1075 01:13:24,317 --> 01:13:26,235 You didn't want to cross her in the sack. 1076 01:13:26,652 --> 01:13:30,156 Those hips of hers would put a love lock on you to beat the band. 1077 01:13:31,657 --> 01:13:32,992 Wait, what? 1078 01:13:33,159 --> 01:13:34,911 I remember there was one night 1079 01:13:35,036 --> 01:13:39,081 she had me and your dad absolutely twisted in knots. 1080 01:13:39,165 --> 01:13:42,627 I was driving the freight train, your dad's tearing tickets in the caboose. 1081 01:13:44,211 --> 01:13:46,005 She had a mouth like Chinese fingercuffs. 1082 01:13:46,130 --> 01:13:50,259 You know where you try to pull it out but it just keeps getting tighter... 1083 01:13:50,343 --> 01:13:52,136 Stop it! God. 1084 01:13:52,720 --> 01:13:54,305 Look... I'm not going. 1085 01:13:54,472 --> 01:13:57,183 Well, Mugatu's planning to crack your chest open, 1086 01:13:57,266 --> 01:13:59,560 cut your heart out with a knife, and drink your blood! 1087 01:13:59,769 --> 01:14:00,770 What? 1088 01:14:00,853 --> 01:14:02,897 Here he comes. Everything's gonna be okay. 1089 01:14:04,023 --> 01:14:07,026 It's okay, it's okay. I was exaggerating. 1090 01:14:15,117 --> 01:14:17,203 It's D-Day, little dumpling. 1091 01:14:31,217 --> 01:14:32,551 You're an amazing swimmer. 1092 01:14:36,806 --> 01:14:38,849 Why are you doing this? 1093 01:14:39,058 --> 01:14:40,810 Don't talk with your mouth full. 1094 01:15:26,188 --> 01:15:27,773 It's soaking wet! It's ruined! 1095 01:15:27,857 --> 01:15:30,192 How are we gonna reach Hansel? We need a phone. 1096 01:15:30,276 --> 01:15:31,444 Wait a minute. 1097 01:15:35,531 --> 01:15:36,782 Like this one? 1098 01:15:44,999 --> 01:15:46,000 Derek. 1099 01:15:46,083 --> 01:15:47,519 - Hansel, where are you? - I don't know. 1100 01:15:47,543 --> 01:15:48,544 Some kind of tunnel. 1101 01:15:48,627 --> 01:15:50,796 <i>I think we're underneath the IncrediBall.</i> 1102 01:15:50,880 --> 01:15:53,049 <i>It smells like the ruins of an ancient bathhouse.</i> 1103 01:15:53,132 --> 01:15:54,717 It's at the Caracalla Baths. 1104 01:15:54,925 --> 01:15:57,805 I'll drop a pin or a needle or whatever and you can track my coordinates. 1105 01:15:57,845 --> 01:15:58,888 Cool. 1106 01:15:58,971 --> 01:16:00,931 They'll never let us in looking like this. 1107 01:16:07,438 --> 01:16:09,523 Interpol Fashion Division! 1108 01:16:10,024 --> 01:16:12,234 We need your vehicle and your clothes. Now! 1109 01:16:44,391 --> 01:16:47,228 Why is Anna Wintour walking away from the red carpet? 1110 01:17:05,329 --> 01:17:06,831 We have to get in there. 1111 01:17:08,040 --> 01:17:11,085 Every bathhouse I've ever worked at always had a rear entrance. 1112 01:17:11,585 --> 01:17:13,420 I'm sure this one's no different. Come on. 1113 01:17:21,679 --> 01:17:23,055 This is definitely it. 1114 01:17:23,806 --> 01:17:27,434 If I feel around here long enough, I should be able to find the hole... 1115 01:17:39,238 --> 01:17:40,406 Derek! 1116 01:17:40,990 --> 01:17:42,158 Hansel! 1117 01:17:43,576 --> 01:17:45,411 Boy, am I glad to see you guys. 1118 01:17:45,494 --> 01:17:48,038 Hansel, my son is going to die hating me. 1119 01:17:48,414 --> 01:17:50,166 Hating you? The last time I saw him, 1120 01:17:50,249 --> 01:17:51,893 he couldn't stop talking about how much he loves you. 1121 01:17:51,917 --> 01:17:54,170 - Really? He said that? - Yes. 1122 01:17:54,253 --> 01:17:57,631 Yes. I mean, I'm kind of paraphrasing, and you had to read between the lines 1123 01:17:57,756 --> 01:17:59,258 but, basically. 1124 01:17:59,341 --> 01:18:01,302 Shut up! Can we talk about this later? 1125 01:18:01,385 --> 01:18:04,013 Yeah, come on. Let's go! This way! 1126 01:18:26,744 --> 01:18:28,287 That's Alexander Wang. 1127 01:18:28,370 --> 01:18:30,039 And Vera Wang. 1128 01:18:30,623 --> 01:18:31,832 Both Wangs. 1129 01:18:34,001 --> 01:18:35,377 Marc Jacobs. 1130 01:18:36,212 --> 01:18:37,588 Tommy Hilfiger. 1131 01:18:38,088 --> 01:18:40,674 They are all here for the sacrifice. 1132 01:18:57,316 --> 01:18:59,985 In the beginning of time 1133 01:19:00,277 --> 01:19:04,573 God created Adam and Eve 1134 01:19:04,657 --> 01:19:06,992 and Steve! 1135 01:19:07,952 --> 01:19:09,620 Mugatu! 1136 01:19:10,162 --> 01:19:11,830 Mugatu! 1137 01:19:12,456 --> 01:19:14,124 Mugatu! 1138 01:19:14,291 --> 01:19:15,918 Mugatu! 1139 01:19:33,811 --> 01:19:35,187 - D.J. - Wait. 1140 01:19:35,312 --> 01:19:36,647 We don't have backup yet. 1141 01:19:40,276 --> 01:19:45,072 Jacobeem Mugowto has deliver us the Choosen Why-yun. 1142 01:19:48,367 --> 01:19:50,369 And behold. 1143 01:19:50,494 --> 01:19:55,040 God expunged Steve from the Garden, only to redeem us with eternal youth... 1144 01:19:55,124 --> 01:19:56,125 No. 1145 01:19:56,208 --> 01:19:59,545 ...bathed in the blood of the fat little Chosen One! 1146 01:20:01,005 --> 01:20:02,298 - Derek! - Derek, don't. 1147 01:20:02,381 --> 01:20:03,424 No! 1148 01:20:10,723 --> 01:20:12,641 I don't care if you're fat anymore, Derek Jr. 1149 01:20:12,725 --> 01:20:13,767 I love you. 1150 01:20:13,851 --> 01:20:16,270 Look, I have made a lot of mistakes in my life, 1151 01:20:16,353 --> 01:20:18,230 but you are by far the best one. 1152 01:20:18,314 --> 01:20:19,606 I was a mistake? 1153 01:20:19,732 --> 01:20:22,985 I think so. To tell you the truth, we were having so much sex, I can't remember. 1154 01:20:23,068 --> 01:20:25,070 Tell me about it, <i>muchacho.</i> 1155 01:20:26,196 --> 01:20:29,658 You're beautiful. You have the fire. You just need to believe it. 1156 01:20:29,950 --> 01:20:32,661 - The fire? - The fire in your face. 1157 01:20:33,078 --> 01:20:35,080 I lost it the day I killed your mom. 1158 01:20:36,332 --> 01:20:39,501 Look. It's a sad, scared little boy 1159 01:20:39,585 --> 01:20:42,755 talking to his fat son about their feelings. 1160 01:20:43,964 --> 01:20:45,924 You are responsible for all this! 1161 01:20:46,050 --> 01:20:48,385 You lured me to Italy so you could escape from prison. 1162 01:20:48,469 --> 01:20:51,263 You made Don Atari and Alexanya hire me to set this trap. 1163 01:20:51,597 --> 01:20:52,890 But enough is enough! 1164 01:20:53,307 --> 01:20:56,643 Enough is enough! Eat my blade, Junior! 1165 01:20:57,102 --> 01:20:59,480 Time to die, Chubby Checker! 1166 01:21:03,567 --> 01:21:04,985 Magnum, buddy. Now. 1167 01:21:06,904 --> 01:21:08,155 I can do this. 1168 01:21:22,628 --> 01:21:24,463 That did not work at all. 1169 01:21:26,465 --> 01:21:28,258 It just doesn't hold up, does it? 1170 01:21:29,176 --> 01:21:31,220 You sleuthed the whole thing out, Derek, 1171 01:21:31,303 --> 01:21:34,598 but you failed to de-sleuth the most important piece of the puzzle. 1172 01:21:34,681 --> 01:21:36,517 I owned the construction company 1173 01:21:36,600 --> 01:21:39,019 that built the Center for Kids Who Can't Read Good. 1174 01:21:40,979 --> 01:21:43,148 <i>I personally made sure they cut corners.</i> 1175 01:21:43,315 --> 01:21:44,525 Literally! 1176 01:21:46,151 --> 01:21:47,194 But that means that... 1177 01:21:47,277 --> 01:21:50,656 That's right, JuJu Bean. That's <i>How I Killed Your Mother!</i> 1178 01:21:51,532 --> 01:21:54,701 On CBS, right after <i>Two Broke Girls.</i> 1179 01:21:55,661 --> 01:21:57,121 Dad, it wasn't you! 1180 01:21:57,204 --> 01:21:58,539 It wasn't... 1181 01:21:58,705 --> 01:22:01,458 Wait. You called me Dad. 1182 01:22:02,167 --> 01:22:03,669 I guess I did. 1183 01:22:04,420 --> 01:22:06,463 Now you don't have the ceremonial knife! 1184 01:22:06,547 --> 01:22:09,049 Which means, no Fountain of Youth! 1185 01:22:09,675 --> 01:22:12,094 Come on, Derek! We need the blood! 1186 01:22:12,511 --> 01:22:16,515 Stop being so emotional, Derek. Just give him the goddamn knife. 1187 01:22:16,682 --> 01:22:18,434 Derek, we need the blood! 1188 01:22:18,517 --> 01:22:21,228 Blood of Steve! Blood of Steve! 1189 01:22:21,311 --> 01:22:24,481 Blood of Steve! Blood of Steve! 1190 01:22:24,857 --> 01:22:27,776 Blood of Steve! Give him back the knife, Derek. 1191 01:22:27,860 --> 01:22:32,489 Blood of Steve! Blood of Steve! 1192 01:22:32,573 --> 01:22:34,283 Shut up, Valentino! 1193 01:22:35,701 --> 01:22:38,203 Just shut up! Everyone shut up! 1194 01:22:38,328 --> 01:22:40,289 There is no Fountain of Youth! 1195 01:22:41,457 --> 01:22:42,541 What? 1196 01:22:43,041 --> 01:22:46,211 I mean, Adam and Eve and Steve? 1197 01:22:46,628 --> 01:22:49,506 Are you serious? You actually believed that crap? 1198 01:22:50,048 --> 01:22:51,216 What? 1199 01:22:51,467 --> 01:22:55,262 It's literally the stupidest thing I've ever heard! 1200 01:22:55,679 --> 01:22:59,683 I get it if Alexander Wang believes it, but the rest of you, come on! 1201 01:23:00,392 --> 01:23:04,062 Please. Without me, you'd still be cutting patterns at Men's Wearhouse. 1202 01:23:04,354 --> 01:23:06,732 Look, it's the White Witch from Narnia! 1203 01:23:08,400 --> 01:23:12,070 No, I'm sorry it's just Anna Wintour. I'll knock your teeth out! 1204 01:23:12,279 --> 01:23:14,448 I'll rip your goddamn tongue out! 1205 01:23:14,740 --> 01:23:16,992 Check out the new spring collection from Hilfiger... 1206 01:23:17,075 --> 01:23:18,785 Brought to you by white privilege! 1207 01:23:19,203 --> 01:23:21,872 You couldn't make a down jacket to save your life! 1208 01:23:22,247 --> 01:23:23,290 Asshole. 1209 01:23:23,665 --> 01:23:26,210 I don't understand. You're saying the legend isn't true? 1210 01:23:26,376 --> 01:23:28,462 Why are you doing all of this, then? 1211 01:23:28,795 --> 01:23:31,715 Because Marc, by Marc Jacobs 1212 01:23:32,799 --> 01:23:35,302 I knew that there'd only be one thing that would gather 1213 01:23:35,385 --> 01:23:40,766 the entire idiotic fashion world into one place with no exit! 1214 01:23:40,933 --> 01:23:42,059 Todd! Doors! 1215 01:23:47,356 --> 01:23:48,774 Todd! Silks! 1216 01:23:54,029 --> 01:23:58,283 For years you all left me to die in a stinking cell! 1217 01:23:58,492 --> 01:24:00,786 Well, now it's my turn! 1218 01:24:04,748 --> 01:24:06,792 I was living a peaceful life of reclusion. 1219 01:24:07,459 --> 01:24:08,835 Why drag me into this? 1220 01:24:10,546 --> 01:24:12,673 Because my big issue is 1221 01:24:12,756 --> 01:24:15,634 I hate you, Derek Zoolander! 1222 01:24:17,469 --> 01:24:20,973 Then why kill all those pop stars? Why kill Justin Bieber? 1223 01:24:21,932 --> 01:24:25,477 Really? You're asking me why I killed Justin Bieber? 1224 01:24:29,648 --> 01:24:30,983 Todd! Pooch! 1225 01:24:38,365 --> 01:24:39,533 It's a bomb! 1226 01:24:39,825 --> 01:24:41,493 Not just any bomb. 1227 01:24:41,702 --> 01:24:46,873 A device, designed by Philippe Starck in collaboration with Al-Qaeda 1228 01:24:46,999 --> 01:24:49,668 for their new spring explosive collection. 1229 01:24:50,127 --> 01:24:51,962 Todd! Floor! 1230 01:24:55,048 --> 01:24:58,051 When I throw this into this ancient pool of lava, 1231 01:24:58,218 --> 01:25:00,596 it will overflow, killing everyone in fashion. 1232 01:25:01,680 --> 01:25:03,348 Leaving only me. 1233 01:25:03,682 --> 01:25:05,142 You can't kill fashion! 1234 01:25:05,225 --> 01:25:08,020 I'm afraid fashion already killed itself. 1235 01:25:08,437 --> 01:25:11,106 Mugatu! I'm coming across! 1236 01:25:13,692 --> 01:25:14,860 Derek! 1237 01:25:15,485 --> 01:25:17,904 Heat is a temporal construct of the mind. 1238 01:25:18,030 --> 01:25:19,031 Yes. 1239 01:25:19,114 --> 01:25:20,616 It doesn't exist. 1240 01:25:25,162 --> 01:25:27,748 It's so hot! It's hot! 1241 01:25:34,004 --> 01:25:35,047 Jesus! 1242 01:25:35,130 --> 01:25:36,965 Stop it, Hansel! Stop it! 1243 01:25:38,592 --> 01:25:40,135 Derek, toss me the knife. 1244 01:25:40,218 --> 01:25:41,345 You got it! 1245 01:25:49,061 --> 01:25:50,187 Sorry. 1246 01:25:52,564 --> 01:25:53,774 So stupid. 1247 01:25:54,149 --> 01:25:57,027 What the hell is your problem? 1248 01:25:57,152 --> 01:25:58,987 You guys are the absolute worst. 1249 01:25:59,696 --> 01:26:01,573 Put the bomb down, Mugatu! 1250 01:26:02,991 --> 01:26:06,036 You're the bubble-butted Playboy model trying to take me down. 1251 01:26:06,370 --> 01:26:07,496 Swimsuit model! 1252 01:26:07,746 --> 01:26:10,165 <i>Sports Illustrated</i> cover, three years in a row! 1253 01:26:29,184 --> 01:26:31,603 - Katinka... - ...Ingaborgovinananananana! 1254 01:26:34,856 --> 01:26:37,943 Game on, my sexy sister. 1255 01:26:46,034 --> 01:26:48,203 Look! They're sexy fighting! 1256 01:26:59,881 --> 01:27:01,341 Awesome. 1257 01:27:04,428 --> 01:27:05,887 Tommy likee. 1258 01:27:09,474 --> 01:27:12,018 Hey, idiots! Maybe this will get your attention! 1259 01:27:12,102 --> 01:27:14,312 I've got a bomb in my hand and it's armed! 1260 01:27:20,485 --> 01:27:22,320 Derek, now! Magnum! Do it! 1261 01:27:22,738 --> 01:27:24,614 Fly, baby, fly! 1262 01:27:25,782 --> 01:27:27,242 Bust it out! 1263 01:27:34,916 --> 01:27:36,585 Yes! I knew it. 1264 01:27:48,722 --> 01:27:50,056 Hansel, I need your help. 1265 01:27:50,474 --> 01:27:51,641 Here, let me try! 1266 01:27:54,644 --> 01:27:57,314 It's not working! Derek, it's not working! 1267 01:27:57,522 --> 01:28:00,275 I can't hold it, Hansel! I don't have it! 1268 01:28:00,358 --> 01:28:02,569 You've got your son! I've got nothing. 1269 01:28:04,696 --> 01:28:06,114 Not anymore, Hansel. 1270 01:28:07,616 --> 01:28:08,909 Who's your daddy now? 1271 01:28:09,284 --> 01:28:12,996 I don't know who my daddy is! That's the whole point! 1272 01:28:13,246 --> 01:28:14,539 - Hansel. - What? 1273 01:28:17,083 --> 01:28:18,460 I am your father. 1274 01:28:20,045 --> 01:28:22,047 Holy shit. Sting? 1275 01:28:22,172 --> 01:28:23,715 Let's do this now. 1276 01:28:24,216 --> 01:28:25,884 Synchronicity. 1277 01:28:44,402 --> 01:28:47,989 Nice try, but that looks about as powerful as your fat son's... 1278 01:28:48,073 --> 01:28:49,950 I'm not fat! 1279 01:28:51,868 --> 01:28:53,578 He's plus size. 1280 01:28:55,330 --> 01:28:57,082 And I've got the fire. 1281 01:29:02,963 --> 01:29:05,966 <i>El Niño!</i> It's real. 1282 01:29:09,010 --> 01:29:10,470 It's so beautiful. 1283 01:29:12,222 --> 01:29:13,765 <i>Bellissima.</i> 1284 01:29:19,145 --> 01:29:21,064 The prophecy was true. 1285 01:29:22,774 --> 01:29:24,609 He is the Chosen One. 1286 01:29:31,783 --> 01:29:35,662 Hansel. He's still so hot right now. 1287 01:29:46,256 --> 01:29:49,134 No way! It's a glitter bomb! 1288 01:30:02,397 --> 01:30:03,815 Looks like you still have it. 1289 01:30:04,107 --> 01:30:06,693 I guess I do. Well, we do. 1290 01:30:11,698 --> 01:30:12,741 Your face! 1291 01:30:13,325 --> 01:30:14,743 How bad is it? 1292 01:30:15,160 --> 01:30:16,912 Welcome to my world, bro. 1293 01:30:17,162 --> 01:30:18,747 - Hansel! - Hansel! 1294 01:30:18,830 --> 01:30:20,332 - Orgy! - Hansel! 1295 01:30:24,336 --> 01:30:25,837 What are they doing here? 1296 01:30:26,880 --> 01:30:30,258 I knew how much they meant to you, so I called them on the way over. 1297 01:30:30,342 --> 01:30:31,843 You did that for me? 1298 01:30:32,510 --> 01:30:35,972 You're the best friend anyone could ever ask for, Derek Zoolander. 1299 01:30:40,352 --> 01:30:41,811 You look so beautiful. 1300 01:30:43,480 --> 01:30:44,856 We missed you so much. 1301 01:30:44,940 --> 01:30:46,107 And I've missed you, too. 1302 01:30:46,191 --> 01:30:49,277 And I'm ready to be a father. To all our children. 1303 01:30:51,571 --> 01:30:52,864 Minus one. 1304 01:30:54,449 --> 01:30:55,450 What? 1305 01:30:55,992 --> 01:30:57,661 I lost my baby. 1306 01:30:58,078 --> 01:30:59,162 No. 1307 01:30:59,871 --> 01:31:02,332 I guess kicking the door down wasn't such a good idea. 1308 01:31:04,000 --> 01:31:06,044 We're going to be a family, that's all that matters. 1309 01:31:14,552 --> 01:31:17,347 Wait. Are you sure? 1310 01:31:18,223 --> 01:31:20,725 You're right. We shouldn't. 1311 01:31:21,893 --> 01:31:26,231 Hey. It's okay, Dad. I don't think Mom would mind. 1312 01:31:33,321 --> 01:31:34,489 Matilda. 1313 01:31:35,198 --> 01:31:36,866 Go to her, Derek. 1314 01:31:37,742 --> 01:31:38,994 You're cool with it? 1315 01:31:39,285 --> 01:31:40,870 I'm totally cool with it. 1316 01:31:41,538 --> 01:31:45,208 I'm dead. Literally nothing bothers me anymore. 1317 01:31:46,251 --> 01:31:47,293 And guess what? 1318 01:31:47,419 --> 01:31:51,172 Mugatu live-streamed all of this to every fashion blog on the planet. 1319 01:31:51,715 --> 01:31:53,842 Everybody loves you guys again. 1320 01:31:54,467 --> 01:31:57,512 - Did you hear that? - We did it. We're back. 1321 01:31:57,595 --> 01:32:00,098 And famous. And totally self-realized. 1322 01:32:00,598 --> 01:32:02,392 Are you thinking what I'm thinking? 1323 01:32:03,059 --> 01:32:04,394 If you're thinking... 1324 01:32:04,602 --> 01:32:06,771 Lava pool party! 1325 01:32:08,982 --> 01:32:10,442 No! 1326 01:32:13,903 --> 01:32:14,946 {\an8}They're back! 1327 01:32:15,030 --> 01:32:17,198 {\an8}After six weeks in the burn ward, 1328 01:32:17,282 --> 01:32:21,828 <i>their disgusting facial scars healed by a miraculous hot lava treatment</i> 1329 01:32:21,911 --> 01:32:25,206 <i>Derek Zoolander and Hansel owning the runway once again</i> 1330 01:32:25,290 --> 01:32:30,628 {\an8}<i>after exposing fashion's top designers in yet another human sacrifice scandal.</i> 1331 01:32:30,754 --> 01:32:34,632 {\an8}This time with the aid of Interpol agent Valentina Valencia, 1332 01:32:34,716 --> 01:32:36,551 <i>now Zoolander's wife.</i> 1333 01:32:37,093 --> 01:32:38,595 <i>The two recently broke ground</i> 1334 01:32:38,678 --> 01:32:41,056 <i>for the Valentina Valencia Center For Swimsuit Models</i> 1335 01:32:41,139 --> 01:32:42,557 <i>Who Want To Be Taken Seriously</i> 1336 01:32:42,640 --> 01:32:45,268 {\an8}<i>And Maybe Transition Into Law Enforcement Too.</i> 1337 01:32:45,351 --> 01:32:49,147 Hansel, definitely back and fully self-realized. 1338 01:32:49,230 --> 01:32:51,900 <i>Now a model parent. And father of ten.</i> 1339 01:32:51,983 --> 01:32:56,571 As crowds at Paris Fashion Week go cray-cray for Derek Zoolander, Jr., 1340 01:32:56,654 --> 01:32:59,115 <i>the world's hottest plus size model-slash-</i> 1341 01:32:59,199 --> 01:33:00,575 <i>National Book Award winner-</i> 1342 01:33:00,658 --> 01:33:03,745 <i>slash-one-half of celebrity couple Zoolala.</i> 1343 01:33:03,828 --> 01:33:06,331 <i>Yes, these three are totally on fleek...</i> 1344 01:33:06,414 --> 01:33:09,209 <i>Redefining what it means to be really, really</i> 1345 01:33:09,292 --> 01:33:12,128 <i>ridiculously good-looking.</i> 1346 01:33:16,007 --> 01:33:17,509 <i>Pumped up with the sex appeal</i> 1347 01:33:17,675 --> 01:33:19,320 <i>'Bout to cop another feel Then I foot the bill</i> 1348 01:33:19,344 --> 01:33:23,014 <i>I got bang bang with the looks that kill Sashay, Shante, then hit the blue steel</i> 1349 01:33:23,098 --> 01:33:24,933 {\an8}<i>Trying to take a ride in the cool mobile</i> 1350 01:33:25,016 --> 01:33:26,976 {\an8}<i>You wanna keep me on the line 'Cause my culo real</i> 1351 01:33:27,060 --> 01:33:28,895 <i>Rockstar shit with the Goose on the chill</i> 1352 01:33:28,978 --> 01:33:31,064 <i>My pockets so fat, got a sumo deal</i> 1353 01:33:31,189 --> 01:33:34,818 <i>I'm a star, so the camera flicker Look at her go, blame it on the liquor</i> 1354 01:33:34,901 --> 01:33:38,279 <i>Doing it big, my selfie two figures Could give it up, but I ain't a quitter</i> 1355 01:33:38,363 --> 01:33:42,033 <i>Ooh, I be flyer than you World domination, I'm so Mugatu</i> 1356 01:33:42,117 --> 01:33:44,077 <i>Yes, I be smashin', plenty of fashion</i> 1357 01:33:44,160 --> 01:33:46,204 <i>Doing my anthem, Now give 'em the Magnum</i> 1358 01:33:46,287 --> 01:33:49,165 <i>Relax, don't do it When you wanna go to it</i> 1359 01:33:49,249 --> 01:33:51,334 <i>Relax, don't do it</i> 1360 01:33:53,169 --> 01:33:56,798 <i>Relax, don't do it When we got the club moving</i> 1361 01:33:56,881 --> 01:33:58,758 <i>Relax, don't do it</i> 1362 01:33:58,842 --> 01:34:03,179 <i>When you wanna come</i> 1363 01:34:16,234 --> 01:34:19,904 <i>Pack it up, old lames You just irrelevant to us</i> 1364 01:34:19,988 --> 01:34:23,658 <i>Old as the presidents Your style is like the republican twos</i> 1365 01:34:23,741 --> 01:34:26,870 <i>That's a definite Give grief to all your relatives</i> 1366 01:34:26,953 --> 01:34:30,456 <i>And next of kin and Gave 'em D-attention, no decificit</i> 1367 01:34:30,582 --> 01:34:33,334 <i>When I say ancient relics, Hansel and Derek,</i> 1368 01:34:33,418 --> 01:34:34,919 <i>I'm handsome, you jealous</i> 1369 01:34:35,003 --> 01:34:39,424 <i>I can tell it from your facial expressions Or I take it, you smell it</i> 1370 01:34:39,549 --> 01:34:45,096 <i>I'm sorry, Don Atari, but Donatella Suggested Valentino for the party</i> 1371 01:34:45,722 --> 01:34:48,933 <i>Shoot it in the right direction</i> 1372 01:34:49,267 --> 01:34:53,021 <i>Make it your intention</i> 1373 01:34:53,104 --> 01:34:54,981 <i>Live those dreams</i> 1374 01:34:55,064 --> 01:34:56,941 <i>Scheme those schemes</i> 1375 01:34:57,025 --> 01:34:59,027 <i>You gotta hit me</i> 1376 01:34:59,110 --> 01:35:00,945 <i>Hit me with those laser beams</i> 1377 01:35:01,029 --> 01:35:04,240 <i>Relax, don't do it When you wanna go to it</i> 1378 01:35:04,324 --> 01:35:08,077 <i>Relax, don't do it When you wanna come</i> 1379 01:35:08,161 --> 01:35:09,954 <i>Relax, don't do it</i> 1380 01:35:10,038 --> 01:35:11,915 <i>When we got the club moving</i> 1381 01:35:11,998 --> 01:35:13,708 <i>Relax, don't do it</i> 1382 01:35:13,791 --> 01:35:17,128 <i>When you wanna come</i> 1383 01:35:18,463 --> 01:35:21,966 <i>When you wanna come</i> 1384 01:35:30,516 --> 01:35:31,976 <i>Relax</i> 1384 01:35:32,305 --> 01:36:32,228